I was watching Pink: All I Know So Far, a documentary film following the American singer-songwriter on her Beautiful Trauma World Tour in 2018-2019. While playing 156 shows in eighteen countries, her husband and young kids traveled with her. I was deeply moved as it reminded me of the time when my own kids were little and the relentless impossibility of trying to be fully present in the various roles as a mother, partner, and career and whatever else was needed of me.

As I watched her grueling training schedule and dedication to making her shows worthy of the money and effort people had put in to be there, I also watched her try to be present for both her kids, one of whom demanded so much more attention being both the younger and more extrovert child. There was something about her manner that reminded me of the times in my life that I’ve spun the plates and been there in a way that looks like I’m there, but really I think my essence had taken off into the stratosphere somewhere.

I particularly remember when my own kids were young, and life was really intense on a day-to-day basis. There was a time - when their undiagnosed dyslexic tendencies created so much strain on their little brains and levels of concentration at kindergarten and school - that every day I was dealing with at least one major meltdown from one of them.

Right amid that time, my mum (who lived on the other side of the world) was diagnosed with cancer. A family member who lived locally agreed to look after the kids for five days while I flew 12,000 miles and back to be with my mum in her last days. There wasn’t much sleep to be had in that five days and, less than a month later, I was flying back with my family to attend her funeral and catch up with the family my children didn’t really know. It was beyond exhausting.

As I watched Pink balance being a performer with her role as a mother, wife, and boss, it took me right back to that time when I felt like nothing more than a performing shell of a person who was running on empty. In the years since, I have dealt with - and overcome - chronic health issues, a gnarly separation and, like everyone else, the challenges and restrictions of the global pandemic.

So when someone asked me recently how my plans were progressing for relaunching my career, I gently reminded them that I’m 52, still parenting adolescent kids, getting over a recent house move that came at me sidewards, and – honestly - I’m pretty knackered right now. Not the kind of tiredness that a good sleep will fix. Exhausted with the rigors of life.

When I went to see my healthcare practitioner recently, I had been expecting – among oter things – to pick up a remedy for the kids. She said “Sorry I haven’t got to that. Every time I went to do it, something in me just said no”.

Now there’s a voice I trust, the voice of intuition. That same voice says no to me every time I think about building my client base. I check in with myself that I’m not just scared or stuck in a rut, but that isn’t it at all. It could just be timing, it could be something else, I’m open to the possibilities.

I’m a firm believer that when things are right they line up easily. Often it just takes saying yes to one thing and, from there, other things snowball. A friend of mine, who trained in trauma therapy a number of years ago now, has recently taken just a step. She said yes to a room in a clinic where one of her daughter’s was being treated, and from there lots of other opportunities have lined up with ease pretty quickly.

She didn’t take years to say yes to something because she was scared. The fact is, she was busy parenting and surviving, other things needed tended to first, including some of her own inner work. I can relate to being at that point. And I think that is okay.

At my age my parents had worked their career, raised their family and retired early. In my case I had my career, tried to have a family for years, finally had my kids later in life and still have a good few years of active parenting ahead.

At 52, I'm not rushing to meet societal expectations of retirement. Instead, I see the years in front as an opportunity to step into a role that authentically serves others and brings me joy. It's about embracing the "years of me," where I can live life on my terms and make a meaningful impact in a way that feels right for me.

I've come to realize that life isn't just about surviving; it's about finding what truly fills us with passion and joy. It's about honoring our intuition, trusting that when things align, they do so effortlessly. Just as my friend found unexpected opportunities by saying yes to one small step, I believe that by staying true to ourselves and our passions, we can pave the way for a fulfilling future.

As I reflect on Pink's journey and my own experiences, I'm reminded of the importance of listening to our intuition amidst life's chaos. This inner voice, the same one that guided my healthcare practitioner's decision and speaks to me about my career, isn't born out of fear or complacency—it's an innate knowing that some things require patience, alignment, and inner work before fully stepping into them.

So, to anyone else feeling the pull of intuition nudging them towards a path less traveled, I encourage you to trust it. Take a moment to pause, breathe, and listen to that inner voice guiding you towards a life filled with purpose and fulfillment. Because in the end, life isn't meant to be spent merely working and surviving—it's meant to be lived, fully and authentically.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Take the Quantum Leap: Nurture Your Creativity and Intuition to Craft a Life of Purpose, Where Talent Meets Passion: Cherish Your Life as a Career?, How to Use Your Intuition With Confidence in Business and in Life and Leverage the Astonishing Power of Intuition, Flow and Kindness. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

"Strength does not come from the body. It comes from the will." - Mahatma Gandhi

All my life I wondered what I was here for. The question of “what is the purpose of life?” was on my mind from a young age and, at every turn, the answer eluded me.

As a young teen training and competing in swimming events regularly, I thought the road to the Olympics was perhaps the path I was destined to pursue. But when I was told I had narrowly missed being chosen for the national squad one year, and if I could improve my time for the 100m breaststroke I’d be in with a chance, I seriously considered whether this was indeed my path.

After a few months I decided it wasn’t. I'm definitely more motivated around others, there’s a kind of effervescence I feel when there is that synergy between like-minded and like-hearted people. Younger me loved swimming because I was part of a great team with a great coach. And when certain people left and the team dynamic changed, my heart was no longer in it.

Then as I was approaching the end of my schooling and had to decide what to do next, I took the path of least resistance and went to university because – still unsure of my next move - it was the pragmatic choice. Some subjects I didn’t enjoy (advanced maths and statistics being good examples) and was really bad at, and others were a breeze and I liked them (like psychology and business studies).

Still not really knowing what I wanted to do, I went for one last study option and pursued a postgraduate diploma in human resource management. From there I fell into jobs in recruitment and then finally customer services – well, customer complaints. There I found a niche championing improvements based on customer feedback, which was what led me to the field of customer service transformation, specializing in the intricacies of people and culture.

Although the puzzle pieces of my professional journey were beginning to make more sense, I knew it wasn’t quite the right fit. Wherever my road was leading was still very unclear to me, it sat like a shadowy enigma in the background of my mind.

And, as much as I couldn’t see my career path, I couldn’t see myself either. Decades spent attempting to meet others’ expectations and striving for perfection left me frustrated, I was yearning for more clarity about my true identity.

But most importantly, at that point in my life there was one thing I was very clear on - and one purpose I had always known I wanted to fulfill – to be a mum. Younger me had envisaged that very clearly, I would meet someone, fall in love and we would have kids, happily ever after… well, not quite.

To make a long story short, heartbreak, feelings of unworthiness, and a series of tumultuous relationships dulled that once vivid dreams. Multiple miscarriages became poignant chapters in my journey, leading to the birth of my children at the age of forty.

Motherhood was a cracking open of the soul. My children are as different from each other as their parents are, yet a mix of us both; and both were demanding in their own ways. No longer was it possible to be superwoman and please everyone all of the time. Life put me under immense pressure at home and at work.

As being a parent was the one thing I was clear about, it took center stage and the complexities of nurturing two individual beings in their growth became the focal point. While my commitment to allowing my children to be true to themselves was unwavering, the journey also drove me to some dark places. Coming face to face with those moments when you realise you sound or act just like your parents, in ways that you do not want to, reverberated in unexpected ways. It challenged me to confront unhelpful patterns and undergo a pretty intense motherhood boot camp

Over the last decade I’ve learned extensively about trauma patterns, secure attachment and attunement, child development stages, toxic relationships, conflict management and wrangled with parts of myself until I came out of the wash clear enough to see. I emerged stronger, wiser and with something entirely new: boundaries.

All that and I was still unclear about my purpose in terms of what service I might be to the wider world in this life. I started to take on some life coaching clients, which felt good but not entirely on point. Than one day, as if orchestrated by the universe, a moment of clarity dawned.

Reading a description of a card depicting a compass, the words resonated deep within: "You are a Pathfinder guiding others on their journeys... Having followed your own path, you have evolved to embrace your gifts, establish your passions and desire to use them for the collective good..." Fifty-two years into my journey, the realisation struck – the struggle to see my path was, in fact, the path. The very challenges and uncertainties that seemed like detours were the transformative forces shaping me into a Pathfinder. Helping myself had became the cornerstone of being able to help others.

As I embraced this idea of being a Pathfinder, I totally resonated with a commitment to leading others on a quest for their truth and authenticity, illuminating obscured aspects of their situations or relationships. It was a revelation that spoke to the very core of my being, a purpose that had been veiled until that moment of clarity.

Yet, while I appreciate the independence of managing my workload and working one-on-one with clients, the synergy that arises from a great team is truly majestic. I find it puzzling when healthcare practitioners avoid discussing clients with each other for confidentiality reasons; I believe collaboration (with consent) could lead to a more holistic understanding and faster resolution of issues. Moving forward, I hold a vision of collaborating with like-minded and like-hearted individuals to achieve this kind of holistic approach through teamwork.

As I reflect on the myriad struggles life presented, I am reminded of a recent experience at a group Family Constellations session I attended. I witnessed an older lady - who had been abused by her father from the time she was a baby – take back her power and see herself clearly for the first time. Despite the harrowing experiences, she recognised her survival and the strength that had blossomed in the aftermath of her struggles.

While no one wishes such traumatic struggles upon anyone, it is a testament to human resilience. We have a remarkable capacity not only to endure but to transcend, rising above the challenges that life throws our way.

This journey of self-discovery has illuminated for me the strength that arises from navigating life's struggles. Reflecting on our individual paths, let us recognize that our ability to transform challenges into strengths is a testament to our resilience. Together, we can navigate the intricate paths of life, supporting one another on our quests for truth, authenticity, and personal growth.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy From the Roots of Anger to the Blossoming of Healthy Boundaries, Embrace Your Real Self, Weave Words Like Wands - Confessions of a Sarcastic Perfectionist, An Open Letter to an Old Friend, Looking Back to See the Clues to Your Destiny and The Quiet Whisperings of Truth That Inspire Our Life. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

I was listening to a class this week with Evette Rose about navigating anger on the path of life. She was talking about the physical processes that happen within our bodies when we become angry, and how our body has learned that feeling as a way of keeping us “safe” when it perceives danger.

Sometimes – maybe often, depending on the level of trauma in our past - the perceived danger is triggered not by our actual circumstances, but rather by an ingrained neurobiology from a time in our young lives when our best course of action was to get angry and lash out or to suppress the anger inwards on ourselves. In essence we get stuck in immature and unhealthy ways of dealing with things.

Then, listening to a Teal Swan meditation on Healthy Boundaries, I was asked to look back over my life, to reflect on the times that I didn’t feel good about myself: the times I felt stupid or wrong, guilty or angry with myself, the times I judged myself harshly, criticised myself, felt unacceptable, unsuccessful, not good enough or otherwise beat myself up thinking there was something wrong with me.

Reflecting back on the times I blamed myself for making mistakes, felt ashamed of myself, took too much responsibility for others, lost confidence in myself, sabotaged myself to placate others, put myself down in front of others, or allowed them to use, control or manipulate me or put me down, I recognised the truth in Lisa Romano’s words when she says “It takes courage to love the self others abandoned”.

Because that is, in essence, what happens. Growing up, the parts of us that don’t “fit in” are the parts we deny, suppress and disown. I know I worked hard as a youngster to be physically fit and develop physical and mental resilience in the world, perhaps because that kind of strength was valued in the people and culture around me.

Opening up emotionally wasn’t something anyone I knew really did, that kind of vulnerability was kept for within close and trusted relationships. As a result I didn’t necessarily see a lot of conscious, healthy role modeling around handling conflict, or – perhaps more crucially - repairing after a conflict. And yet, my intuitive and emotional self is highly adept at reading others’ emotional landscape.

That part of me that is more intuitive and sensitive was definitely kept far more hidden, and in my blind faith about safety within certain types of relationships (for example, I believed a romantic partnership or marriage was the safe place to share my true feelings and let people see my true self, because that is what I had seen role modeled, and I believed that grownups in workplaces would act professionally) I have experienced many things coming from left field to teach me that life isn’t quite like that.

Through strong imagery of sitting chest-high in the edge of the ocean, Teal’s meditation asks us to experience those feelings of having abandoned ourselves like waves coming in, crashing into our chest and washing over. Crucially, she asks that we practice sitting with those feelings until they pass.

It’s a practice of not moving into the hard wired responses of lashing out, fleeing, freezing or acquiescing when feeling strong emotions. Whether it’s me abandoning myself in the ways I described above (like blaming myself for mistakes), or someone else attacking me or manipulating me, or in some other way reflecting back to me the anger I often perpetrate upon myself, it takes practice to achieve emotional regulation.

I think perhaps the most shocking of experiences for me has always been those reflections of anger or subjugation from others, because as a kid I perpetrated that upon myself, taking it upon my shoulders to be perfect and avoid those kinds of responses.

However, I find life has a way of needling us in just the right way in order to try and evoke a growth response to develop beyond the unhealthy patterns and unprocessed emotions of those earlier times.

Evette asked the class to define what anger means to us, to consider what anger does (that we feel we can’t) in everyday life, and what does it allows us to feel – other than anger? These were thought provoking and provided valuable insights, as I could see that anger has been the way I’ve felt and expressed my boundaries in the past, and it gave me the outlet and bravery (with its surge of adrenaline) to express opinions I’d otherwise kept suppressed.

Boundaries are those things we will and won’t accept, how we assert them is a whole other communication skill to learn. Briana MacWilliam covers this really well in her attachment courses, and some people quite like the Non Violent Communication courses, but there is plenty of ways out these days to learn the skills.

What I’ve come to really appreciate is the ability to observe my feelings rather than be completely identified with them. This has taken time and practice, and was only possible after practicing meditation regularly. It gives me room to pause and the choice to react differently, in ways that are more healthy and productive.

That said, dealing with my own emotional reactions to insults, aggression, manipulative statements or other attacks, then asserting myself in a calm, rational manner, continues to be a challenge. All I can say is that, over time, I’m getting better. Things that would have thrown me off kilter for days or weeks now disperse in hours or minutes.

And part of that is also about owning who I am, completely.

So what if I live in a world (by this I mean the people and places who surround me) that tends to devalue the role of a stay-at-home parent and, instead, constantly promotes and cajoles you back into a workplace? I used to play that game; it led to burn out, illness.

I value my health and my role as a parent above what others think I should or shouldn’t be focused on. For me, the role is more than feeding, ferrying and clothing my kids. It’s a role that involved completely managing their lives when they are little, to gradually training them for more independence and then moving into a coaching role through their teens.

It’s a role that involves making the best healthcare and educational choices that match my values, and navigating a terrain no other generation of parents has had to navigate – technology (and it’s deliberately designed dopamine driving addiction). It’s a role that involves helping my children to emotionally regulate themselves and to be able to apply critical thinking to situations and relationships. It’s big, and it’s the fostering of the next generation.

So in the past where I would have defended my lack of engagement in the expected route back to the workplace, there is a subtle but healthy change, instead I advocate for my role. I value my role, and I’m immensely proud of the time, focus and energy I’ve put in and continue to put in.

That said, it’s been far from perfect. My time as a parent has been a collection of the good, the bad and the ugly. It’s been a massive learning curve and growth journey, with much healing taking place. In short though, it is a step in the right direction.

The direction I wanted to head was to cultivate kids who are closer than I was in knowing themselves at a younger age, and better able to identify things and people who are compatible with their beliefs and values. If they are able to distinguish toxic from healthy growth, and have confidence to navigate these scenarios even a little better than I was able to in my younger years, then we will have moved forward.

Imagine nurturing a generation unafraid to know themselves, confident in their beliefs, and capable of navigating life's intricate dance? Whether we raise children directly, we are all raising them indirectly through our example.

As you stand on the shore of your own emotional ocean, take a moment to reflect on the waves that have shaped your journey. Consider the insights gained from defining anger's role in your life. Challenge yourself to observe, not just react. Uncover the power to express boundaries with calm assertiveness, acknowledging the growth it brings, and choose the path of self-affirmation. Your journey, like the ebb and flow of the tides, has its own rhythm. In embracing your journey, you not only rewrite the narrative for yourself but contribute to a narrative of empowerment and authenticity for generations to come.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Mastering the Art of Inner Harmony: A Journey from Turmoil to Tranquility, Empower Yourself - When a Difficult Reaction Sends You Into a Tailspin, Do You Need to Heal Your Boundaries?, Change Unhealthy Reactions, Your Mind Will Try to Protect You By Resisting Your Healthy Boundaries and Expand Your Emotional Vocabulary to Get Your Real Needs Met. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

What I unconsciously learned as I grew in this world was to allow what was going on around me to dictate how I was feeling; this – of course – directly affected the quality of my life.

Being empathic, it would only take someone else’s bad or sad mood to throw me into a spin or the doldrums. Or a bad weather day or some news item to affect how I was feeling and, therefore, the attitude and approach I took to life.

I recall at one point on my corporate management journey going on a course about managing absenteeism and I’ll never forget the phrase “It might not be their fault, but it is their responsibility”. The whole idea being that we didn’t need to make someone feel bad about having to take time off of work, we could be compassionate, but we should also be holding to the boundaries set out in their employment contract around absences unless there were extenuating circumstances.

That idea stuck with me, and as I have evolved through my broader journey in life I can see that it might not be my fault that someone I’ve been dealing with has had a bad day, or is even a toxic personality, or that it has rained five days in a row, but it is my responsibility to manage my own mood and responses.

When I started regularly meditating nine years ago, I began to see that there are different layers within me. That I can observe my thoughts is indicative of another layer of consciousness doing the observing, that I am also identified with. Therefore I am both the thoughts and the observer.

Meditation, contrary to popular belief, is about observing my thoughts, and practicing letting them go rather than getting caught up in them. After practicing this in mediation, it began to happen more in my day to day life. I’d be caught up in some drama unfolding with my children, and suddenly I’d get a clear view of my thoughts and behaviour in the moment and be able to adjust it.

For a while this felt quite schizophrenic, but more and more it became normal practice for me to reframe my thoughts and behaviour in the moment. I began to see life around me as a mirror of what what going on inside me, and would look at any patterns with deep interest and started to get to know my inner self more intimately.

This is particularly true of the moments where I was (and still am) triggered into “flight or fight” mode, which can actually look like fight, flight, freeze and fold. My ability to step away and observe is almost always there, but my ability to reframe my experience in the moment is not, quite simply because my prefrontal cortex is closed for business until my nervous system naturally begins to relax (this can take a number of hours) or I take responsibility for regulating it.

Having experienced panic attacks in my life, and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) symptoms, learning how to manage my inner world became a priority for me. I didn’t want to just survive these episodes, I wanted to learn how to notice their onset and avert them.

Shifting to a calm centre, I’ve found, isn’t just a matter of deciding to, or saying a few mantras, it’s a very active process of self discovery, learning new skills and practice, practice, practice.

Even after all the inner work I’ve done:

• Uncovering parts of myself in conflict with each other (you might relate to it through conversations with a friend along the lines of “there’s a part of me that wants to earn more, but there’s another part of me that doesn’t believe I can” and so forth),
• Reframing the narrative going on so these parts are not creating inner conflict,
• Learning what I really value and believe in and creating healthy boundaries around that
• Learning the skills to hold and communicate those with others

Even after all that and more, things still come up to tip me off balance. It’s definitely an ongoing practice, but the intensity and the ability to regulate my body’s reactions is steadily getting better and better. Things are way less intense.

And here is another tool that I never thought I’d ever use – ChatGPT. If you ever need a neutral third party to take a look at your inner dialogue, or dialogue with others, I think it’s great, I wish I’d have had it when dealing with protracted, toxic legal correspondence a few years ago.

Just recently I was dealing with an email from my kid’s school, going back and forth about an action plan, I was querying the need for one and read the words “All good. Don’t complete one, not a problem” as a passive aggressive response and felt a bit annoyed. So I copied the whole email trail (minus identifying details, I don’t want those in the collective bucket of digital swill) and asked ChatGPT to tell me its
interpretation of the tone of this correspondence.

It felt the tone of the whole correspondence was accommodating of my individual views and quite collaborative. Knowing my Scots heritage, and how my own experiences with sarcasm have shaped my inner landscape, I recognised that I may – or may not – be misreading the tone. Either way, it would not have made for a constructive response if I had adopted the latter attitude.

So I drafted a response, asked ChatGPT whether that was straightforward, calm and rational and in keeping with the constructive discussion so far. It responds instantly, even with reams of information, and can suggest improvements if you ask it to.

While I reflect on my journey from allowing external circumstances to dictate the quality of my life to becoming the calm centre of my own experience, I can’t help but appreciate the transformative power of self-discovery and resilience. It’s a continuous process of learning, practicing new skills and actively engaging in the art of reframing thoughts and behaviours.

As you continue your own journey of self-discovery and resilience, consider embracing the support and insights available to you. Remember, it's not just about surviving but thriving, and every step you take towards a calm center contributes to a more fulfilling and empowered life.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Empower Yourself - When a Difficult Reaction Sends You Into a Tailspin, Do You Need to Heal Your Boundaries?, Change Unhealthy Reactions, Your Mind Will Try to Protect You By Resisting Your Healthy Boundaries and Expand Your Emotional Vocabulary to Get Your Real Needs Met. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

For much of the last couple of decades of my life I have, by necessity, been somewhat of a lone wolf. To use some UK slang, it’s been “heads down, bums up” in the parenting department in particular, while initially juggling a corporate career and then laterally navigating a particularly gnarly separation and dealing with life post-split with kids living between two homes.

Now that I’ve spent the time examining and integrating those experiences, a huge amount of personal growth has taken place and I have started to attract healthier relationships in all walks of life and feel quite settled and supported by people who understand and accept me more deeply.

In short, there’s more space to turn towards my purpose. So when a close friend of mine was facilitating a public Family Constellations session and it was my turn to look at what I wanted to dive deeper into, I was explaining how torn I feel about how to progress. In particular I have been resisting the coaching work I’ve been doing, and am good at.

Having asked me about the things I had been contemplating and wrangling with, I then expressed my deepest desire to be part of a team – a healthy, functional team –she expressed her surprise that the lone wolf wanted to run with a pack.

My friend has not known me in the times I’ve thrived as part of a work team. The last team I worked and flourished with was fourteen years ago. We were a small team, working on a large transformational project we all very much believed in. Each of us had very different personalities, with varying strengths, values and beliefs, but there was respect and trust and we were usually able to navigate tricky issues and come out stronger.

While I now have a burgeoning team mate in my personal life, many of life’s lessons in the “heads down, bums up” phase of my life were attached to learning healthy boundaries. The teachers of those lessons of course came in the shape of both personal and professional unhealthy relationships and team dynamics.

So it was profoundly interesting to have those solo versus collaborative parts of me represented by others in the Family Constellations work. It helped me to see the intricacies of what I was feeling far more clearly.

I'm definitely more motivated around others, there’s a kind of effervescence I feel when there is that synergy between like-minded and like-hearted people. It's why younger me loved swimming; I was part of a great team with a great coach. It's got a lot to do with why I left too, certain people left and the team dynamic changed, my heart was no longer in it.

Don’t get me wrong, I like the independence of managing my own workload and work times, and I like working with my clients’ one on one, but the more that comes from a great team is majestic. It's why I always loved medical dramas like House and Private Practice as they worked together in teams to help people. Private Practice was a great example of individual specialists working with their patients and clients, but they would discuss case loads and look for the synergies.

I always look at one of my healthcare practitioners sideward when they say they don't discuss clients with each other to protect confidentiality, I think they're missing a trick. I would love it if my various healthcare providers sat around the table to look at me more holistically; I can well imagine issues getting understood and ironed out far faster.

My friend thinks I’d make a wonderful Family Constellations facilitator, but that’s not what I feel called to. I love turning up as a participant, doing my part representing for others, but I haven't got the inclination to organise or facilitate in anything in that field. I love my own work, and prefer to refer people to other practitioners who specialize in things I don’t when needed – and wouldn’t that be all the better if it were in collaboration?

Having also mentioned I have a hankering to be involved in some sort of think tank around evolving education and healthcare, my friend also recommended a place called Heart Place Hospital who holistically resource frontline healthcare and educational professionals. I had a good poke around their website and they look to be doing some fantastic work.

It certainly piqued my interest, if somewhere like Heart Place Hospital developed a large enough reach - or if there were enough versions of this type of service with a big enough reach collectively - then those clients would be exactly the right kinds of people to sit down with, along with holistic and alternative healthcare and educational practitioners, to create a vision of a different future; that's the bit I'd love to be part of.

My various experiences have taught me that, while a team of people collaborating can most definitely achieve more than the sum of its parts, knowing my own interests, values, skill set, strengths, experience, gifts, beliefs and limitations are really important when contemplating being part of a team. For any collaboration to work it’s important to be clear about my role and that of others, and have healthy boundaries around it.

As this all played out in the Family Constellations session, I got to see more clearly that, while the part of me that works with clients loves collaboration, there’s also very distinctly a part of me that enjoys and needs time alone to recharge and practice self care, and that is okay.

Oftentimes in the past I’ve lost myself to the teams I’ve been a part of, giving far too much without taking time to recharge my own batteries. Some people can do that with just a good night’s sleep, but for me – especially while juggling so many roles in my life – it’s important to have time to contemplate, meditate, keep fit and healthy and spend time relaxing in my own company as well as with friends and loved ones.

Are there areas where you thrive as a lone wolf, and others where you yearn to be part of a team? Remember, the power of collaboration lies not only in achieving more together but also in understanding and honouring our individual needs and strengths. Here’s to creating a world where we can all thrive – whether as lone wolves, team players, or a harmonious blend of both. Together let’s continue exploring the transformative potential of collaboration in our personal and professional lives.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Do You Want to Make a Heartfelt Change to Your Career?, Weave Words Like Wands - Confessions of a Sarcastic Perfectionist, Break Free: The Honour, Privilege, Exhaustion and Horror of Being Mum, Is the Role for Managers Redundant in Today’s World?, What or Who Reminds You of How Good it Feels to Feel Good? and Embrace Your Authentic Self, Shed the Toxic People in Your Life. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

Talking to a friend about their career, they were saying how they’ve really changed tact these last few years. Whereas they used to be who they felt was expected of them in their role, now they bring much more of themselves to the workplace and feel happier to walk away (if there is a mismatch in expectations) and happier overall.

At the same time I saw a podcast interviewing Chip Conley about reclaiming our middle years as a time of regenerative possibilities “a time to activate our capacities for renewal and let our souls lead the dance”.  Certainly it’s common to go through life with aspirations to get good grades, get a good job, meet the love of your life and have children… only for many to discover they still feel unfulfilled – whether they were successful in those things or not.

Then I noticed something along a similar theme when reading about the New Moon on 9 February, which was reminding me that the only expectations I need to live up to are my own. Having felt the weight of having to perform for people in my life at various points – to act the way they wanted me to act – there’s a chance to shed the layers of pretence and connect with my inner truth.

Now whether someone is in their midlife years, or whether there’s a New Moon, does not negate the point. In fact, I very much hope my children grow up knowing how to dance to the beat of their own drum, but I also know the many ways in which they are expected to conform and where those voices in my head that I now contend with also came from.

I noticed a good friend taking some time out to play an online game after we had lunch together one day, whereas I had gotten on with some work. When I asked about it, they just casually said they were having a moment of downtime. I realised right there how prevalent the narrative in my head is about the need to be productive – or perhaps even moreso – the desire to be seen to be productive.

The same is true when I’m talking to people, or writing for an audience, I am often trying to watch for any words, phrase or references that might put people off. Why? I mean, I don’t want to offend people, but if I talk about something that puts someone off – New Moon’s may be a case in point – then really they’re not my kind of people.

And the more I trying to appeal to a broader range of people, the more I continue to perpetuate the myth that I don’t fit in, or don’t belong.

How did it all begin? As it does for most of us, in childhood, trying to please parents, teachers, coaches etc, because those people were critical to my survival back then, so the neural pathways and patterns started to form. Preferring harmony, I mainly acted the way others wanted because it was easier to go along with it than create confrontation.

However, feeling like I always have to be “on” for others leads to a disconnect from my authentic self, it creates anxiety and unease.

Coming back to the New Moon energies for me this week, it has the capacity to amplify any hidden negative feelings about my work that could be compromising my potential for success. While astrology isn’t predictive (it simply gives us an understanding of the influences at play, it’s then up to us how we use that energy) this is a theme that has been coming up for me a lot in recent weeks.

It went on to say the wisest words:

“The only way you can change the things you’re unhappy about is by acknowledging them and being clear about what it is that needs to change. It’s so much easier to work with things that are in your field of awareness rather than having them subconsciously sabotaging your life.”

“Gosh” I thought, “this is exactly what I’ve been trying to teach the kids lately”. They came home tetchy with each other one day and it quickly became clear there was some misdirected anger going on. The things that were triggering are things that would normally wash over. I asked “Is there something bugging you that you don’t feel able to talk about?”

As young adolescents, they haven’t yet quite developed the cognitive processing capacity to name the nuances of how they are feeling. And they most definitely don’t want to betray others by breaking confidences or sharing the details of sensitive information, nor would I expect them to.

However I do want them to learn to recognise when they feel bad, and where they are feeling it in their body. And to take an active part in feeling into and releasing that feeling whether through writing, drawing, dancing, sport – anything that allows them some creative expression rather than squashing everything down.

What I’ve learned over the years is that ignored, suppressed and denied emotions tend to come out sidewards – whether through sibling fights or overreacting to friends’ comments, sleepless nights, limited attention spans or getting sick, to name a few. It’s much healthier to encourage them to work through things and to lead by example.

So while serendipitously prompted by various conversations and a bit of astrological information, I know it’s important for me to look at my own unhealthy patterns, the things that are making me feel bad because I’m in some way compromising and suppressing the true me. The constant need to “look like I’m productive” and to “fit in” are just examples that are active within me right now.

Both are examples I became conscious of quite some time ago and have already consciously worked on many times. Creating new neural pathways – especially ones that kick in as an alternative to those well worn ones from childhood that are associated with our flight and fight response – is an ongoing practice.

What patterns and expectations are you carrying from the past? Embrace the wisdom of acknowledging and clarifying what needs to change. Share your reflections with someone you trust or journal them.  Let’s collectively move towards a space where authenticity takes precedence over society’s expectations.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Normal Is Dysfunctional That Is the Growth Opportunity, Expand Your Emotional Vocabulary to Get Your Real Needs Met, Here Is How to Recognise and Overcome Your True Fears, Who Are You? Introduce the Remarkable Human Behind the Roles You Play and Make the Choice to Feel Better About Yourself and Your Life. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

While working on a new website, I read something this week that gave me pause. It was an impactful reminder that clarity of thought sets the stage for what shows up in my life, to be transparent with my desires and focused in my pursuits – “Clear vision will guide you towards realizing your goals”.

Sometimes I get so embroiled in trying to make something happen, I forget this little golden nugget. I tend to pay heed when I read something that really resonates, so I parked my endeavors and reflected on some of the other words that had been popping out at me lately.

I’ve been picking up on words that encourage me to spend more time in nature, to nurture my inner world, to foster my feminine qualities and take some space to reflect.

There is a challenge that Chloe Couisins is offering with daily meditations that dwell upon cultivating qualities like creativity, nurturance, self love, our deep connection to mother Earth, abundance over flow and holding space for others. As soon as I looked at it, I knew that I’m feeling called to spend more time with my thoughts, or my not-thoughts, just my observance of the miracles of nature, and my deep gratitude for where I live and the life I am able to lead here with my kids growing up.

I also felt called by Chloe’s words around creating more than enough though our passions and our creativity, fostering that deep desire of wanting to rather than having to. I recognised that the ability to nurture those seeds, that haven’t yet taken form, stems from the ability to nurture myself.

As I was looking at the website as it is; it feels that it’s missing something vital. What I’ve developed, using the website as a canvas, represents the me that I am to an extent, it doesn’t quite fully capture that someone else I have become in recent years.

Years ago I wrote Coming Out – Psychically Speaking and yet I haven’t really fully embraced and embodied many of the abilities that opened up in me back then. I use them intuitively all the time, but I lack the language to describe them in a way that feels me.

I’m a real hybrid of the credible corporate people change and transformation, mixed in with a deep understanding of human psychology as we widely know and accept it, sitting alongside some intuitive skills that allow me to see things and knit things together for people that they had previously only sensed but couldn’t articulate.

It’s interesting that bringing things to light for others is part of my talent, and yet it’s the very thing I’m struggling with for myself.

So taking some time to cultivate those more intuitive aspects of myself, embracing the feminine, is what much of my journey these last few years points to.

It’s about going with the path of least resistance, allowing feminine energy to flow through any situation without the need for force. This in turn then allows my creativity to move through when I am relaxed and present.

I also took out my folder for a course I started a few years ago with Dr Jean Houston on Unlocking Your Quantum Powers, because deciding to press pause for a time on my website is far easier when I have something else with some structure – that is related to fostering my creativity - to focus on.

One client last year had an epiphany when we were working together; he said he needed to spend more time in the quantum field contemplating what he wanted before taking action, rather than throwing lots against the wall and hoping something stuck.

This is very much like the work I heard Dr Denis Waitley talk about years ago when recounting his time with the Olympic athletes, he got them to practice their performances over and over in their head, so by the time the starter’s whistle blew, they had lived that moment hundreds of times. But before that, there was a moment in each of those athletes’ lives – a moment that they knew, with absolute certainty – that they wanted to compete in the Olympics at the top of their sport.

That clarity, certainty and conviction isn’t necessary to begin something. I can – and have – tried much from the smorgasbord of life. But there comes a time to step back, and contemplate which my favourite elements were, and how I might weave those together in a way that fosters my deep desire of wanting to rather than having to.

Will you take the leap with me into the quantum field of possibilities? Are you ready to nurture your inner world and realise your desires and intentions? Let’s embrace our intuitive selves and weave a tapestry of authenticity, creativity and fulfillment.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How to Overcome Insecurities and Fears to Transform Your Life, How to Switch Between Your Life Roles With Grace and Ease, Presence Your True Needs, Talents and Desires to Step Into the State of Fullness, What Will It Take for You to Choose Happy? and Embracing the Feminine within All of Us. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

One of the things I’ve really been noticing lately are some of my less desirable traits. On the one hand, since it’s symptomatic of being around people I can be myself with, albeit it under stress, it is a huge boon since I’ve actively been on a personal growth journey for many years with a specific aim of expressing myself authentically. On the other hand, it’s a bit disconcerting to see all the worst parts of myself so clearly.

I mean, connection is all important to us humans as a social species interdependent on one another for survival. Any scary thought of being less than desirable to others is, therefore, understandable when put in the context of psychological survival.

But, on the other hand, to that perfectionist part of me that wanted to avoid “getting in trouble” or any kind of criticism, it still feels very uncomfortable to own those parts of me that can piss people off.

One of the things I have to remember is that most traits have their good and bad points and, when under stress, generally the more negative aspects of a trait come to the fore. One of those that comes most readily to mind is the quips that spew forth regularly when I’m around loved ones.

I was reading an article in which British actor and comedian Ricky Gervais was talking about the Brit’s propensity to “take the piss”. He said “We use irony as liberally as prepositions in every day speech. We tease our friends. We use sarcasm as a shield and a weapon. We avoid sincerity until it’s absolutely necessary. We mercilessly take the piss out of people we like or dislike basically. And ourselves.”

That part is very important. He reckons “Our brashness and swagger is laden with equal portions of self depreciation. This is our license to hand it out. It can be perceived as nasty if the recipients aren’t used to it, but it’s play fighting essentially. It’s almost a sign of affection if we like you, and ego bursting if we don’t.” Of course you have to be able to read the body language, tone, context and facial expressions to know which is which.

One of my all time favourite TV shows was House starring (another great actor and comedian) Hugh Laurie as Dr Gregory House. What I particularly loved was how House’s team would come together to solve medical mysteries. But House’s character was heavily sarcastic, which is a trait I can really relate to from growing up in the West of Scotland.

In one scene, House (talking about a patient) says “He did, however, get hit by a bullet. Just mentioning it.” One of his team, Cameron, responds “He was shot?” To which House inevitably comes back sarcastically with “No. Someone threw a bullet at him.”

As Hanan Parvez says, “Sarcasm is not good or bad, but it’s certainly a passive aggressive form of humour. On the one hand you have to be quick-witted, possesses strong observational skills and figure out how to point to the absurdity/obviousness/redundancy with creativity. It requires social intelligence, courage (since you risk offence each time) and strength of mind.

On the flip side you are making people look like an idiot, and people – like House – who’ve adopted sarcasm as a personality trait often feel contempt towards “the idiots” around them, but are too intelligent to be direct with the aggression.”

I agree with Hanan in that I find the more I trust someone – and vice versa – the more positive deposits are in our emotional bank accounts, and those cancel out any harm the sarcasm might unintentionally inflict. Certainly the Scot in me still enjoys the occasional verbal sparring when someone responds in like, it makes the conversation spicy and entertaining.

Not to mention that scientists have also shown that expressing sarcasm- or receiving sarcasm from trusted others – increases creativity without elevating conflict.

What I find it that, under stress, the sarcasm I use tends to lack the good natured light heartedness it might otherwise. Like anything, I have to be able to observe myself – or at least pick up cues from others – when the intensity is a bit much and needs dialed back.

It can, Hanan says, “in times of low self esteem, be used to boost self worth but it’s at another person’s expense and people don’t forget how you make them feel”.

That is the part that is important to me. As mentioned previously, I liked the challenge Dr Jean Houston sets “To use our words like wands”. I want to create magic not mayhem. So if I see a look of hurt or confusion in someone’s expression as I throw another quip their way, I know without doubt I need to be far more conscious and deliberately positive about what is coming out of my mouth.

Another aspect of my personality that can create moments of me wincing, when I observe it, is my discerning nature. Under stress, discernment can morph into judgment. As Michael Mamas wrote “To overcome being judgemental and to become discerning, you much find balance in yourself”.

It’s like this, I like what I like, and for good reason. It’s taken me a lifetime to figure out the foods that work for me, the most efficient way to hang my clothes on the line and a multitude of other variables that we have choices about in every day life.

Over the last couple of years I’ve lived without any other adult, it’s been the first time in my life that I have had such freedom over everything from décor and furnishings, the time I get up and go to bed each day, through to the way the food is cooked, or dishes stacked.

Then along comes another adult, and the thoughts and appreciation for the bigger things in life – like love and companionship – get put to the test as I start to see myself through their eyes in day to day life. Thankfully it’s not a person who thinks there is a right and wrong way to do things, only a way that works or doesn’t work for each of us.

But it’s entertaining and amazing how the way a vacuum chord is wound can raise questions in my head about how much I want to compromise in my life. How – despite my own beliefs in there not being right or wrong ways for doing things – I want to keep doing them my way. That in itself is fine, but I can see I need to let other people – especially my children – find their own right ways that work for them.

Personal growth comes in all guises, in the good, bad and the ugly. Some days, especially when I think of my own foibles, I think “why would anyone want to be around me?” It’s not always fun to see myself through others’ eyes, but it is helpful. That applies as much to the good as the bad, which can also be difficult to hear and own.

Bizarrely enough, when we essentially hear about all the things we are doing wrong as kids, it’s easy to make ourselves wrong and believe we aren’t good people, worthy of love. This becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy as we grow into adulthood. So recognising and reminding ourselves of our strengths is as important as working on those other things that go haywire and show up as weaknesses under stress.

What are the aspects of your own personality that you can be proud of and which are those that require a bit more attention in order to flourish in the way you’d like? Let’s strive together to use our words like wands so that, rather than rather than creating unintentional mayhem, we create magic in our relationships.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Make Choices That Will Have the Most Positive Impact in Your Life, Reclaim Your Personal Freedoms: The Path to Empowerment Amid Alluring Promises, Leaders Who Walk the Talk and Are Interested in People and Self Empowerment and Is It Time to Break Free of That Holding Pattern You’ve Been In? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

Each of us is held back in some way by our insecurities and self doubts. We let our limiting beliefs prevent us from pursuing the things that truly matter to us. Yet only through understanding our fears can we overcome them.

I was doing an interesting exercise with Evette Rose this week on boosting my prosperity vibration. She asked what my definition of prosperity is, what I need to hear/feel/know in order to feel prosperous and asked where in my life I already feel prosperous.

That was a lovely reflection as generally I have good health, I experience a lot of love in my life through my children, partner, friends and family, I live in a beautiful environment, I usually have a good balance of time to myself, I have money in the bank and access to healthy food, water and nature.

None of these things came about by accident, the way I currently live began as all things do, with an intention. Then followed the work to bring these things about, which certainly involved recognizing and overcoming many fears.

I’ve learned along the way that nothing is impossible, but if I lapse into pessimism and negativity based on my present or past circumstances, I run the risk of perpetuating more of the things I don’t want.

I’ve learned it’s important to calm my emotions , to remember that things tend to come more easily when I’m in a positive state of being which I miss out on when I’m stuck in a negative perspective.

I’ve learned that it’s better to work with the flow of events rather than against them, and sometimes that means disengaging from conflict with others or my own frustration if my ambitions aren’t playing out smoothly, and focusing on my mental and emotional state of being.

When I say I’ve learned these things, it’s like learning – knowing – that certain foods are good for us and others are toxic even though they may taste oh so good at the time. It’s easy to slip back into bad habits.

And that is exactly what I’d done just last week as I observed myself simmering with frustration about different aspects of my parenting role while on a trip. I had an accumulation of stress from the usual rounds of busy end of year events, intensified with a house move, so I recognised I needed a bit of self compassion and I needed to put a more positive part of my psyche in the driving seat – especially when I felt some heart flutters (I get stress related arrhythmia).

All it took in this instance was some reflection and journaling to reframe my thoughts and I felt like a weight had been lifted. My hearbeat went back to its regular rhythm and I enjoyed the rest of the trip. But when I came home, instead of taking some time for self care, I kept on “doing” and of course ended up with inflammation and congestion – my body’s way of saying “slow down”.

The learning is an ongoing daily process of applying what I’ve come to know when I’ve often tripped up and slipped back into bad habits.

The next area of my life to expand into is my career, and when Evette asked “How do you feel when you picture prosperity?” in relation to this I could immediately feel the fear of the stress associated with my previous career.

There still exists a fear of being overcome with the stress of losing myself. Yet finding me is the very thing I’ve worked towards quite deliberately over the last 9 years. I need faith to continue on my path but it goes hand-in-hand with the knowledge I’ve gained and I’m feeling ready to contribute more to the world around me.

I understand my fears, my body and nervous system in particular has much experience of me pushing through doing lots of things I don’t really want to be doing, particularly in relation to past income. The work I did previously held a certain amount of me that allowed the most authentic parts to shine on occasion, but it was too often overshadowed by parts that really are not me at all.

Yet I know I’m wiser now. Just as I’ve developed more solid boundaries in my personal relationships, the same is true of professional ones. There is zero need for me to expend energy trying to be anything other than exactly who I am, doing exactly what I want to do.

Talking to a cousin yesterday who is at a slightly later stage of life, I realised yet again that  life is too short not to do the things we love. I am passionate about rather a mixed bunch of things, from helping others (who are willing to go deep and want to help themselves) through change and transitions at all stages of life, including those who are dying, through to an avid interest in developing new systems of healthcare and education.

My life experiences have led me to accumulating a lot of knowledge and interest in all those things and I feel life is too short not to just embrace it all and do everything I can do while I can. Yet, at the same time, I recognise my existing commitments as a parent and my absolute desire to continue with that valuable role in my life.

The time feels absolutely right to step forward n some way, and certainly I have no intention of being held by my insecurities and self doubts. In what area of your life is it time to step forwards? Can you recognise some of the limiting beliefs that are preventing you from pursuing the things that truly matter? And are you prepared to devote some time to understanding your fears so you can overcome them?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Here Is How to Recognise and Overcome Your True Fears, How Is Your Ability to Connect With Abundance Right Now?, Are You Getting Distracted From Who You Came to Be This Life? and Let Yourself Fly. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I was reading some articles about dominant themes for 2024, one cited destruction lust as the primary theme. This means to be consumed, even at a subconscious level, with the desire for destruction of that which a person perceives to be against their best interests.

It said that “over the course of history, what you see is that when a society feels frustrated and failed enough by the very society they live in, they tend to elect and/or support a leader that promises to create drastic change and fulfill their destruction lust regarding whatever is causing them that frustration and pain.

And these leaders, who are poised to satisfy this destruction lust, are the very ones who instead bring about negative change motivated by self-interest rather than positive change motivated by actual care for the people.

These leaders exploit and manipulate the people’s pain and subsequent destruction lust for their own personal agendas. Throughout history, people have fallen into this trap again and again because the relief that destruction promises, blinds them to the consequences. And what it often takes to get elected, is the exact opposite of what the people actually need.”

It’s interesting as a recent article in Time Magazine talks about how globally more voters than ever in history will head to the polls in at least 64 countries (plus the European Union), representing a combined population of about 49% of the people in the world that are meant to be holding national elections, the results of which – for many – will prove consequential for years to come. 

In New Zealand we will certainly be seeing the ramifications of the 2020 election in which the Labour Party won a historic victory, being the first party to form a majority government in the MMP era, for many years to come. It is not unsurprising the pendulum swung in the opposite direction last year when the national election then saw the worst defeat of a sitting government since the introduction of the MMP system; with Labour losing almost half their electoral seats in Parliament.

What really struck me, as I was applying some critical thinking to whether and whom to vote for last year, was how the left/right arguments were so dominant and distracting. When plotting where political parties sit on a continuum, there appears little notice or credence to the other axis that represents a continuum between personal power and a nanny state.

After the complete loss of many personal freedoms during Jacinda Arden’s time in power, it was something I personally paid a lot of attention to. As far as I can see, fear drove many of the supporters of her party’s decisions to fall in behind them without critical questions being raised.

When I wrote Is It Time to Break Free of That Holding Pattern You’ve Been In? there was a recommendation to evaluate decisions from the perspective of imagining how we might feel looking back on those decisions after we are dead. And to become as aware as possible of the positive and negative consequences of those decisions before we make them.

In the article about 2024, it was suggested that it will be a pivotal year and decisions will play such a big role that decision making is a contender for the dominant theme.

It says ”When it comes to making decisions this year, each and every one of us must gather all the information possible, without only seeking information that confirms our biases. We must also deeply know our values.”
Knowing my values hasn’t always been easy to articulate. Among things I value most deeply - and believe in vehemently - are human potential and personal empowerment. I like the article’s reminder to share inspiring and heartwarming stories and post beautiful images that remind people of the magic of life on Earth. Human potential may not always be obvious and yet it is always there, ready to be unleashed through the making of intentional choices and purposeful decisions. This, it suggests, is the antidote to the desire for destruction.

I can well believe it. I think one thing we humans all share is a strong desire for freedom of choice. From Mel Gibson’s well known movie battle cry “Freedom!” as William Wallace in the movie Braveheart, through to  Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning, books and movies – fiction and non-fiction – abound with the theme of our human capacity when our freedom is thwarted.

Years ago I commented (in a company I worked for) on how marvelous it would be if we could repurpose every person in our call centres, give them the freedom to bring their own values, talents and gifts to work every day in order to best serve the company’s main goals and aspirations. The response was interesting; it flushed out fears of how people would take advantage and couldn’t be trusted.

Perhaps. I have read about various experiments where people have been given freedoms they had wanted and abused them, but those experiments then show what is only logic – when faced with the natural consequences of their choices (rather than society’s punitive consequences) over the longer term - behaviours changed and people become more responsible and accountable.

I believe in the potential of human beings to achieve great things, to recognise their interconnectedness and act with cumulative effects in mind. I believe good decision making requires people to practice making decisions full stop, we will make bad decisions along the way, but we will learn.

As mentioned, throughout history, people have fallen into the trap again and again of following, electing and/or support a leader that promises to create drastic change and fulfill their destruction lust regarding whatever is causing them that frustration and pain, heedless of the consequences.

These are patterns that we can see when we step back. To be able to do this, I need space and time to think and contemplate. What space and time to contemplate do most people take in today’s world? As we move forward and we are faced with decisions about which leaders to follow and support, especially when they promise drastic change, it will be more vital than ever to be able to step back and really critically examine all of those promises and consequences and not just be blinded be people promising to take away pain points.

So how well can you articulate your own values? Where are the pain points in your own life that could blind you to making good decisions? And where and when can you make regular time in your life for reflection and contemplation so that you are able to maintain a broader perspective?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Leverage the Astonishing Power of Intuition, Flow and Kindness, How to Receive and Be More Confident in Your Needs, Desires and Opinions, Explore Your Limitless Potential, Is It Time to Break Free of That Holding Pattern You’ve Been In? and Life – Will You Take the Easy Way or the Hard Way? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I was listening to a lady recount the day she changed her relationship with money. She had gone to a seminar and watched as a guy took a wad of notes from his wallet and asked them to look at the money that was there. She felt repulsed and began to wonder if this had been a waste of her time and money, she had thought this wasn’t in the least bit spiritual, which is what she had wanted.

But the man challenged her – the whole audience – about the thoughts and feelings that had arisen in them as he had asked them to look at that wad of money he was holding. He asked them to imagine how different those thoughts and feelings would be if – instead of a pile of money – he’d brought out his 5 year old grandson and asked the audience to admire him instead of cash.

He was simply and powerfully pointing to how our inner narrative can repel or attract things.

This spurred on a thought within me about the thoughts, feelings and intentions I hold towards everything I’m doing/focusing on in life – or deliberately ignoring and therefore passively focusing on - in my life. Everything from sharing these musings each week about my personal growth journey, to the swims and walks I take, the parenting role I hold, the various other relationships I have with people, things like my health, money and the roles and purpose I have in life.

It led to a bit of a shake up about where my time and attention are focused and the intentions I hold towards these things. I wondered that I had not really revisited my intent towards these things in quite some time, life got busy and I got distracted. I find there is never a better time than when something creeps into my awareness and wants to be seen to address it. To ignore it is to stagnate really.

I also took the time to really look back at this time last year and where I stand in relation to all these things in my life today. I recalled the course I was doing at the time on psychological and neurological attachment patterns, and Briana MacWilliam’s words came to mind:

“When we are in the throes of attachment hunger, we don’t prioritise compatibility of values and beliefs because they don’t feel so immediate to our existential survival, but they are of course vital to the long term success of any relationship... Once you (get clear on your own priorities and) clean up your communications, you might realise a lot of what has held important relationships together was an attachment narrative trying to relive and revise an old wound. Once you tend that wound you realise that was the purpose of the whole relationship and you can lovingly let it go.”

This speaks to a huge part of the personal growth journey I’ve been on in recent years, and I felt quite gratified as I looked back on the work I was doing a year ago and seeing how far I’d come. I feel far more grounded within myself, there is far more spaciousness around my thoughts and my closest relationships are now far more compatible with aligned values, beliefs and aspirations.

I thought about my intentions in that regards and vowed to continue the good work, determined to role model healthy behaviours for my kids. Taking stock also increased my gratitude for the people in my life, and my confidence that I’m now attracting more harmonious relationships, which had been a goal of mine for a long time.

I've been on a huge growth journey both mentally, emotionally and spiritually since leaving the corporate world in 2014, and have continued publishing my life lessons weekly. That now amounts to rather a large body of work (of almost 500 articles) and I thought about how my personal growth has started shifting lately more from personal empowerment (which has been the theme of the vast majority of what I’ve written) to life purpose.

I will probably continue with a few coaching spots I would also like to work on some think tanks around the creation of new healthcare and education systems. I enjoy working with people in every transition of life, even death is one I've been called to walk with people on these last few years in some rather beautiful experiences.

I'm creating and contemplating in my imagination the possibilities for expansion, and the creative clay with which I'm presenting myself to the world – my website – will no doubt evolve to reflect the vibrational beacon of who I am and what I offer: authenticity.

There is also the other intention I have been cultivating recently, which is a desire to become more relaxed in my body more of the time. Some questions I read this week from Brad Spencer, that help with this thinking are: “What brings you joy? Should you be content? When was the last time you felt completely at ease? Why? Are you able to follow your passion/s?”

Again, I’ve travelled a long way on this one, especially as my relationships have become more harmonious, but I’ve yet to apply these same principles to career expansion, so I’m both excited and somewhat terrified at the prospect, but I trust that my intentions are healthy and I’ll be fine.

What about you, how might your awareness of your intentions influence the way you approach your relationships, career, health, finances and personal growth moving forwards?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Leverage the Astonishing Power of Intuition, Flow and Kindness, How to Receive and Be More Confident in Your Needs, Desires and Opinions, Explore Your Limitless Potential, Is It Time to Break Free of That Holding Pattern You’ve Been In? and Life – Will You Take the Easy Way or the Hard Way? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Just as I was about to start writing I saw a note from Morgan Harper Nichols which said:
 
“When you start to feel
Like things should have
Been better this year,
Remember the mountains and valleys that got you here
 
They are no accidents
And those moments were not in vain
You are not the same
 
You have grown and you are growing
You are breathing, you are living
You are wrapped in endless, boundless grace, and things will get better
There’s more to you than yesterday.”
 
This felt quite apt as I had just been contemplating the nature of endurism, which I’d been reading about in an article by Teal Swan. She writes about this as staying in a situation that is against your best interests because there is a perception of powerlessness – specifically there is a perception that there is no way to make an improvement to the situation.
 
This week I have spent time with some amazing people who are enduring in so many aspects of life. I’ve been deeply struck and moved by the lack of dignity and support available for those people in our society who become unable to physically care for themselves. So much responsibility is placed on those closest to them, regardless of how physically able they are themselves.
 
Some of that responsibility is self driven, from a perceived lack of choices. So when I read Teal’s words of advice to “make a decision to get out of any holding pattern in your life rather than passively wait for change” it resonated. Her recommendation is to evaluate decisions from the perspective of imagining how we might feel looking back on those decisions after we are dead. And to become as aware as possible of the positive and negative consequences of those decisions before we make them.
 
I can see through observing others this week in a holding pattern, I too have been in a holding pattern when it comes to parenting versus my career, and I can feel that the time is now right to break free of it.
 
Holding patterns are not bad or good inherently. As Morgan Harper Nichols said above, we have grown and we are growing. Life never stands still in all aspects.
 
I may have been in a holding pattern with regards my career in some ways for a good few years now; I haven’t actively pursued anything other than my goals as a parent, my personal health and wellbeing and my personal authenticity and growth. Yet, as a result, I am far from the same person that exited the corporate world when my children were young.
 
What may appear as a juxtaposition to Teal’s words about passively waiting for change, were words I read from Brad Spencer that also resonated:
 
“In our modern Society it may sound crazy to let go of control, but the ancient masters knew that it is often better to let nature take its course instead of try to control things. Everything is vibration and a calm, peaceful mind creates a vibration that allows for perfect harmony to manifest in our world. Take our hands off the wheel for a while and allow the world to shape itself.”
 
In truth I do not see these as contradictory, I see them as complimentary. There is a time for passivity, and a time for action. In creating anything new or any kind of change, it’s a process. That process usually begins with observation, with noticing what is and what isn’t, with what is wanted and what is unwanted.
 
There are so many facets to our lives, it would make sense that each one is in varying stages and degrees of reinvention. Certainly as I read Teal’s words about breaking free of holding patterns, it was the career aspect of my life that stepped forward, other aspects are a different phases and not calling me to make decisions.
 
What I have noticed is it’s the first time in a long time I’ve felt so called to action on that front, and – crucially - the timing feels right, not forced from any kind of panic. It is more that I have a sense that the career butterfly has emerged from its chrysalis and is drying its wings. It’s just the right time.
 
If I were to look back at this moment in time from my death and decide to take no action, I can only imagine many more negative ramifications than positive ones. Every stage of life builds on the previous one and – as Brad Spencer says – “You can only go ahead once you’re ready to use what you’ve learned in the past to create a future”.
 
As I was reminded while watching The Second Best Marigold Hotel this week “There is no present like the time”, meaning – as the movie’s director said – “that things don’t go on forever, and what life actually is and what its possibilities are have to be seized”. The contradiction is that, as Judi Dench’s character says “How many new lives can we have?” and the answer is “As many as we like, while we can”. 
 
So what in your life has been waiting in the wings? What aspect has been in a bit of a holding pattern and has the time has come to take action? You have the power to navigate life's crossroads. Enduring through challenges isn't merely about resilience; it's about recognizing when the time is ripe to break free from stagnant situations. Embracing change is a deliberate choice, harnessing the wisdom gained through experience to propel yourself forward into the uncharted territories of personal evolution.
 
If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy What to Do if You Feel Trapped By Your Circumstances, How to Break Free of Addictive Relationship Patterns, Honour Your Story but Free Yourself of Its Shackles, Break Free: The Honour, Privilege, Exhaustion and Horror of Being Mum and Autonomy – Break Free of Money Fears. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

As I was having lunch with a friend this week she was telling me about a broadcast she had watched with Pam Gregory, all about who you want to be this time next year. This piqued my interest because it’s not what I want to achieve or do, it’s about the kind of person I want to be.
 
This made for some interesting lunchtime conversation around the table. One person wanted to focus more on their self care and on having better boundaries, another wanted to be more present with the people they love more of the time without losing themselves, and I said wanted to feel more relaxed overall.
 
Given I’ve just moved home this might not be too hard comparing year on year but, in general, I want to feel my nervous system activated less often. It’s like the title of Richard Carlson’s book Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff and It’s All Small Stuff.
 
What I’ve discovered over the years is that knowing something like that in my mind isn’t sufficient to change my body’s responses. For years as kids we are surrounded by adults who have sufficient dominion over our lives that who we want to be often pales in comparison to who parents, teachers, coaches, friends, and other caregivers and influential leaders – especially as depicted in music and on our screens thin we should be.
 
So we grow up essentially trying to fit that mold or pretending that we do. That creates neurobiology that is so entrenched by the time we reach adulthood, it’s hard to change. Hard, not impossible, but it does require a lot of conscious focus as I have talked about in articles like Are the People You Surround Yourself With a Match to What You Want From Life? and Your Childhood Is Not Your Fault but It Is Your Responsibility.

But now I have a goal of being relaxed, that too adds another dimension to my decisions. The last time I moved house I don’t think I stopped until the house was fully unpacked and everything was just how I wanted it. In fact, it was pretty much all done and dusted in under two weeks.
 
This time I’m pacing myself. For example, quite aside of unpacking, my commitment to reflect on my personal growth and publish my weekly reflections is non-negotiable in my life. If I haven’t started writing it by publishing day, it usually becomes my main priority and focus. Not today. I woke up, got the kids ready and dropped them off, took a walk on the beach had lunch with a loved one and then caught up with some family.
 
Only now, late afternoon, am I reflecting on what’s captured my imagination this week. And in all of that the house had remained pretty much as it was when I awoke. I may unpack some boxes this evening, I may not.
 
I know some people take this approach quite naturally, but my strong preference is for a clutter free environment and my pattern of behaviour when unpacking is usually to work solidly for hours until the job is done. Having a lot of clutter makes me anxious and stressed, so teaching my body to take time out and relax while surrounded by temporary chaos is very much a conscious practice.
 
So who do you want to be this time next year? Do you have a desire to become a better version of yourself, to focus not just on personal achievements but on inner transformation? What can you do to support your evolution towards that? And what deeply ingrained patterns will you need to break free of in order to achieve your goals?
 
If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy When the Thing That Binds You is the Road to Freedom, What Are Our Thought Patterns Really Doing for Us?, Draw Solitude Around You Like a Warm Blanket - Get To Know Yourself and Who Are You Not to Pursue Your Dreams? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

My friend asked me today whether I was getting excited about my pending house move. While it’s only days away there are a lot of moving parts to making it happen and so I’m not sure I feel more than a glimmer of excitement at this point, it’s like a tiny flicker of light at the end of the tunnel.
 
That made me think about this time of year generally. The last couple of months have been crazy busy, house move aside, with the promise of the seasonal respite just on the horizon, it’s a familiar feeling. I don’t know if it’s because the birth of my children and my own birth all coincide with this time of year also, but the turning of the year has always felt like a potent time for me when it comes to reflection and new beginnings and creative energy.
 
I was reflecting on how I could get from where I am now (which is this crazy busy part, full of duties and obligations of parenthood) to a place of feeling more relaxed while standing in my power, when I was reminded that creative endeavors have the power to rejuvenate.
 
A few years ago, when I was talking to the kids’ healthcare practitioner about after-school activities, and how my kids were totally wrung out after school, she reminded me that doing things we love can give us more energy when we don’t feel obligated to do it.
 
So when I read words that were focused on being enthusiastic about a new endeavour and “having the energy to carry it through” I thought immediately of a project I’ve been working on and have had to lay down a few times in order to carry out my other responsibilities. Then I looked back at this time last year and reflected on how far I’d come despite the start/stop nature of it, and decided things are actually going pretty well.
 
Here is the thing, I have very little to show for my endeavours right now, but I know how much inner reflection, personal growth work and creative thinking has gone on and I feel very much more aligned and able to carry out my future vision and plans than I did this time last year.
 
It’s like the house I’ve watched being built across from the back of where I’m living, for months there was just an empty site, then there were materials delivered to the site and still nothing happened for many more months. Presumably in the background there were plans being drawn up, finances getting aligned, legalities to navigate, workers to line up and so forth.
 
Finally foundations were dug and laid, and slowly a frame went up. At first I thought from the frame it was going to be a single level house, but over time it became apparent that not only was it going to be a double story building, there are some other interesting expansive features that have resulted in quite an impressive build. Even now, the owners are not yet in, there is much work to be done now on the inside, those finishing touches before they get to live in it and make it their home.
 
And so it is with many creative endeavors I find, I need to cultivate the right motivation and qualities, to tap into my creativity, passion and ambition to succeed. And if that needs to happens over months, years or decades, I now realise that is okay.
 
At times it feels like motherhood has been a massive divergence from living my life purpose, or even in getting clear about what that was. But in truth it’s probably been more like the cracking open of the nut that needed to take seed in order to grow.

Taking brave steps towards a future that lies only in my imagination – and even then is only partly apparently – feels a bit like when Bilbo Baggins remarked in The Lord of the Rings “It’s a dangerous business, going out your front door”. Sometimes I have to push myself to take those small steps towards my vision and goals, and sometimes I don’t when I could, but that is okay, slow and steady often wins the race.
 
What about you, what are you compelled to do? What excites you most? Are you aware of how to access your own creative potential? Or willing to push yourself towards your objectives? If not, perhaps just learning those skills is the first step. Whatever it is, if you’ve been hesitating to move forwards, make the most of the seasonal reflection and downtime coming up to revisit your dreams, and take that first brave step towards a deeply meaningful and fulfilling life.
 
If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Who Are You Not to Pursue Your Dreams? You Know What’s Best for You, So Stop Giving Your Power Away, Trust That It’s Absolutely Okay to Not Know Where You’re Going, Life of Your Dreams? and Give Yourself the Gift of Presence to Relieve the Torture of Stress. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

“My hope for you is that you become the fullest expression of yourself.
 
This is the road to maturity.
 
I want you to know you can do hard things and facing bad feelings won't kill you, in fact it's the key to your best life.
 
The day you realise:

• you take full responsibility for your own feelings, without blame, shame or guilt being placed on others, and
• you let others have their own feelings without judgments or taking on any needless blame

 
is the day you are available to fulfill your potential and become the most authentic version of you.
 
After a hard day, take responsibility for your feelings and deal with life, it will make you stronger and more mature than any substance, drink, device or other distraction will.
 
Feel your feelings, name them, and own them. Every day.
 
Don't tap out. And if you do, be kind to yourself. Those who succeed in maturing into the fullest expression of themselves keep failing and keep getting back up.
 
The world needs more mature people. You can do this. I love you.”
 
I wrote this for my children, but it has been my personal mission for some time and my highest hope for humanity in this next period of human evolution.
 
I wrote it because they’re at an age and stage of curiosity about the things adults do, things that aren’t healthy, and particularly toxic and harmful to growing minds and bodies, like drinking and drugs and all the other things they can’t and shouldn’t do or try until they are older.
 
It made me think about what really is important, and certainly substance use isn’t something to be flippant or casual about. It's not something I do or support, but neither do I want to create big resistance to it, which will just make them more determined to try it because they see it in many places.
 
But toxic substances aside, I see many of our next generation tapped out on screens, not feeling their feelings. It’s the consumerist society; shopping and eating rubbish are in the quick dopamine hit category. Is that just a precursor?
 
We have a generation who have just been through a prolonged period of social isolation in their critical formative years of social and emotional development. Mental health issues are bound to be on the rise, and they are.
 
When I see what I saw in my own youth, the blatant hypocrisy of adults - be it in people I know, or on TV, or in the media, the hypocrisy of my youth alerts my nervous system “danger”, someone is trying to paint a distorted reality.
 
What comes to mind is “What you do speaks so loudly I cannot hear what you say”. Ralph Waldo Emerson's famous quote is as accurate and meaningful today as it was back in the 1800's. Many of us know it in its more generalized form: actions speak louder than words.
 
I am a truth teller and while those who have confused, undermined, disoriented and pulled the rug from under me in the past with their lies and hypocrisy have left an indelible mark on my life, that mark is now a reminder to ignore their nonsense and see through the distortion. 
 
But I also remember that to engage in unnecessary arguments is to shout at an empty boat. It is not necessary as I'm already standing on solid ground. 
 
What it boils down to for me as a parent is that it is natural for kids to be curious about things they see and hear about, particularly if they are not allowed those things. Making a big deal of it is only going to pique interest, but endorsing it isn’t the answer either.
 
For my own part, I try and practice what I preach, sometimes I fail, but I own it quickly these days. It’s not always been an easy journey; there have been some uncomfortable and downright painful moments over the years as life has reflected back to me aspects of myself through others that I need to look at.
 
My gran used to say “Oh to see ourselves as others see us”, which was a quote from a Burns’ poem where he essentially says in his fine Scots language is “To see ourselves as others see us would free us from many a blunder and foolish notion”. Over the years I have had those moments of seeing myself through others’ eyes, and it’s taught me not to judge others as much because I’ve been there myself.
 
So for all that, I am back where I started
 
“My hope for you is that you become the fullest expression of yourself.
 
This is the road to maturity.
 
I want you to know you can do hard things and facing bad feelings won't kill you, in fact it's the key to your best life.
 
The day you realise:

• you take full responsibility for your own feelings, without blame, shame or guilt being placed on others, and
• you let others have their own feelings without judgments or taking on any needless blame

 
is the day you are available to fulfill your potential and become the most authentic version of you.
 
After a hard day, take responsibility for your feelings and deal with life, it will make you stronger and more mature than any substance, drink, device or other distraction will.
 
Feel your feelings, name them, and own them. Every day.
 
Don't tap out. And if you do, be kind to yourself. Those who succeed in maturing into the fullest expression of themselves keep failing and keep getting back up.
 
The world needs more mature people. You can do this. I love you.”
 
If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How to Let Go of Your Attachment to Your Feelings, Expectations and Beliefs, Switch Focus to Get Unstuck,  Leverage Your Feelings to Find Your Authentic Self, How Exploring Mortality, Love, and Grief to Leads to Poignant and Profound Insights and Do You Always Express Your True Feelings? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I read a quote by Nicola Jane Hobbs this week who said:
“Growing up I never knew a relaxed woman, Successful women? Yes, Productive women? Plenty. Anxious and afraid and apologetic women? Heaps of them. But relaxed women? At ease women?  Women who aren’t afraid to take up space in the world? Women who prioritise rest and pleasure and joy? Women who give themselves unconditional permission to relax – without guilt, without apology, without feeling like they need to earn it? I’m not sure I’ve ever met a woman like that. But I would like to become one. I would like us all to become one.”

I’m sure many men would also resonate with aspects of that, and some women may not, but for me it was a take note moment that has led to a deeper reflection on navigating societal norms and parenting realities.

As my eldest born is crossing a Rubicon right now, traversing the road to her last years of required schooling, and we have been asked to write something for them. As I was doing that, I reflected on the archetype that is considered “normal” in our society.

I would describe it as the person who is physically very capable, who attends school and finds learning in the school system both enjoyable and fairly easy; someone who has their own opinions and can think for themselves once leaving the school system, yet doesn’t create waves within the system, in fact they shine as a beacon of the system’s success, passing exams and getting good comments from teachers because they are helpful and do not cause any issues or stress.

They are: compliant; have good manners, good attendance and good grades; are fully vaccinated; help when required; and grow up to make money for the systems. If they are female, they don’t show any aggression and, if they are male, they don’t show any emotions. Either way, show no weakness – with weakness defined as anything that doesn’t fall within the desirable archetype’s behaviours.

This norm is an aggregate of different aspects and, while there are no doubt people who can tick all those boxes, many fall outside of the norm in a least one or two aspects, and many can’t relate to any those things as being true and easy for them at all.  Most definitely “relaxed” is not a word I associate with any of it, and I suspect that is because many people are not being fully themselves in order to fit inside the norm.

So what I reflected for my eldest child is that it is my highest hope that they deeply discover what is true and authentic for them and live in accordance with that.

Then I was talking to a friend of a friend this week about the role of being a mother. Although I had become disenfranchised with the healthcare system in my early twenties, when it let me down in every way, it wasn’t until I became a mother that I well and truly butted up against the norms and systems, and it forced me into a choice to “come out” as me or continue to be so stressed and ill that I suffered a painful decline.

Again, I’m sure many men who have chosen to become full time parents may resonate with aspects of what I am about to say, but I can only speak from my own experience as a woman.

My first born was pregnancy number five, becoming a mum was not an easy road for me, but it was something innately felt I wanted and yearned for. What I had also envisaged was providing a stable home for my kids and bringing them up as a joint team. That did not happen.

Instead I birthed children and then realised that – while I am responsible for them – I do not have free rein to bring them up as I would like. In fact, I don’t even have the right to be a full time parent.

I think of it as miraculous that women can grow actual human beings inside us. After years of trying, I literally gave my
body and heart over to incubating and growing two new physical lives. Then, for the first six months, I watched in wonder and awe as their physical growth was entirely down to the milk my body produced.

As wondrous as it was, it was also grueling – especially being in my forties by then - and it literally sucked the life out of my physical and emotional reserves. There’s no recovery time, no spa break from being mum, and no community around to easily support each other in the way our species was designed to live.

I continued to feed my kids as they started eating solid food, and was fully responsible for their care and wellbeing for a decade. It wasn’t the team effort I had envisaged, instead it was a baptism of fire, coming up against every part of myself I’d denied and disowned and every mask I’d ever worn was ripped from my grasp.

When they started living part of the week with their father and part with me, it was both a welcome relief from the intensity and relentless nature of conscious hands on parenting, and an unequivocal stab to my heart. I fully support my children in having a relationship with their father, I always have, but I did not choose to – and never would have – given up half my time with my children as they are growing.

Of course that is only the physical hands-on time, it’s not that my parenting brain (which is concerned with their psychological, emotional and physical wellbeing, as well as all the events and commitments coming up) switches off. There are always things to organize and pitfalls to navigate.

My friend’s friend, who I have known for some time, has found herself working with women who are finding themselves navigating the legal system as they separate from partnerships that – if they weren’t toxic before - become toxic in the system. Having firsthand experience of this ourselves, it was an interesting and meaningful conversation.

She tells a story of the lawyer who was minimizing the role of a parenting in a mediation meeting. Being proud of her role as a parent, she pointedly asked the lawyer why she was trying to devalue the role. Then, as the ex spouse had a tantrum and left the room, she said to the lawyer words to the effect “Had he been parented with the kind of conscious care required to grow a mature adult, perhaps he wouldn’t be having a toddler tantrum right now”.

In this country, people who give up careers to look after children are supported in principle through a section of relationship law that recognises the economic inequity that causes (in terms of lost opportunity for career progression, building of retirement funds etc). However, in most cases it fails miserably to address the inequity and the stay-at-home parent is left floundering financially in comparison to their ex partner.

The government does not recognise parenting as a job in itself and only provide support for sole parents who are in other work or seeking other work.

Then I was trialing a questionnaire for a friend who is learning a new coaching technique, and it was all about motivation in your job. I considered doing this in relation to my coaching and consulting career, but decided instead I would do it with my role as a parent in mind.

I was asked about my top five positive emotions in regard to my job, and my top five negative emotions. The positive emotions all related to the honour and privilege it is to pave the way for little humans to grow in their journey of life. The negative emotions all relate to the sheer isolation and exhaustion of parenting in today’s society, and the requirements and expectations put on us by norms in government and healthcare systems especially.

I do not like “the nanny state” approach, I believe in the personal power and potential within all humans to be connected, conscious and responsible citizens. I particularly believe that it’s our entry into this world that can either cultivate a sense of this innate power or quash it altogether, leading to a win-lose mentality which is really a zero sum game.

We are all having fluoride added to our water here locally because the government “can’t trust” a portion of our society to use fluoride toothpaste regularly. Where does the intervention stop? I feel we are people being micromanaged on a vast scale using fear as the main tactic.

So in my reflections to my daughter I urged her – as I always do with my children - to be who they feel themselves to be. I’m not a renegade encouraging them to butt up against the systems, I want to be a relaxed woman remember, I can’t go to war and be relaxed.

I saw the Eight of Swords tarot card this week that depicts precisely what I’m pointing to. It depicts a woman who is bound and blindfolded, encircled by eight swords planted in the ground, that look like bars surrounding her. There are certainly methods for her to flee, but due to her blindness and tied arms, there is no way for her to do so securely.

Here was the advice given, wise words:
“Always remember that you have alternatives and that even being tied does not take away your power - the female has options, they're just not simple ones. Stop thinking or at least slow your thought process. The swords surrounding the woman represent the thoughts that are keeping her trapped and blinded to the truth of her circumstances. If you feel like your mind is racing and you can't slow down, take ten to fifteen minutes today to sit with your eyes closed and focus on just one thing. Whether it is your breathing or the sound of a fan in the room, focusing on something that is happening in the present moment will help you get out of your head so you can see things a little more clearly.”

I can see – clearly – what I don’t want, and I can orientate in a completely different direction. Some aspects of life are beyond my control and if I dwell on those too much I become frustrated and anxious. The best course of action is to focus on the one thing I do have control over, me.  

That is precisely where I encourage my children to focus, on themselves, their reactions and their inner world. And if they are casting their eyes and hearts to the future, envisage it as one where there are obvious and healthier alternatives to those that exist today. That is where my energy belongs, in the creation of the new, not fighting the old,
outdated things I cannot change.

While reflecting on societal norms and systems that confine individuals, particularly women, and the struggle faced in parenting and navigating these norms within predetermined archetypes and expectations, I advocate for authenticity.
What about you? Are you focusing on what you can control and envisioning a future with better alternatives, rather than being trapped by the limitations of existing systems? As author Scott Stabile says “Unlearn what you are not, and remember who you are... unlearn and remember… this is one path to freedom”.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy What to Do if You Feel Trapped By Your Circumstances, Do We Need to Better Understand the Pivotal Role of Parenting to Evolve?, Why Did I Not Know This About Parenthood?, You Have Amazing Options When it comes to Healthcare, Evolving Education, and Womanhood: A Story of Our Time. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

When confronted with death, it always brings life into sharper focus I find. This time of year for me is traditionally one where memories of life and death meet together in great contrast. It’s the time when both my children were born, and the memories and circumstances of their births are always recalled in detail. But it’s also the time when my mum was in the final weeks of her life and the reliving of that time coexists alongside the happier memories.

I was listening to a podcast with one of the most celebrated and influential spoken word poets of our time, Andrea Gibson, on facing mortality. When Andrea was diagnosed with an aggressive form of ovarian cancer, all that was truly important in their life became all that was important, they stopped dwelling on the ifs, buts and maybes.

Their journey has been profound and transformative. Facing a fierce cancer diagnosis (that they had lived in fear of all their life due to family history), they describe a radical shift in perspective post investigative surgery. Andrea had spent her life in fear of dying and it has taken staring death in the face to really live.

Their worst fear had become real but, instead of fear, they felt a sudden acceptance and peace. The experience altered their perception of life and relationships, and fostered a deep appreciation and love for those around them. This newfound outlook led them to believe that every life event, even cancer or death, was part of their spiritual evolution. They found peace in surrendering to life's challenges, discovering that saying "yes" to difficulty could open doors to immense joy.

They learned to relax, give, focus on the present, and approach relationships with a sense of mystery, allowing the people closest to them to show up anew without past expectations. Additionally, they embraced things that had previously terrified them as a way to confront and overcome fear. Despite the possibility of imminent death, they express profound peace, happiness, clarity, and gratitude for life itself.

I also appreciated her saying “Sometimes people can navigate an illness like this with a lot of rage, for example. I don’t think that my way is necessarily better than that, because I’ve had plenty of rage in my life. Maybe that other person didn’t ever express anger or feel rage, and that could be the waking up for another individual.”

A good friend of mine also lost a close friend this week, it was (in some ways) beautiful to bear witness to as my friend described standing by her friend’s bedside to say their final goodbyes. There was a knowing that their friend’s consciousness was no longer fully inhabiting their body, and that there was a peaceful unfolding into the love beyond.

Grief, though, isn’t always about people dying, this time of year is also the wind down of the calendar year, and my solar year, it’s a season in which I traditionally find myself reflecting on whatever aspects of life are playing out within that and the things that have changed or need to change.

There is a lot that has altered, and more is upon me, with life circumstances changing as my kids grow and we move to a new part of town. But there’s also the inner journey and the unhealthy patterns that emerge under duress, the ongoing learning and growth that occurs as part of life’s opportunities to grow more into my potential.

Among all of that grief is a natural part of the cycle of change. I read a quote by Jamie Anderson the other day:

“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give but cannot. All that unspent love gathered up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.”

When I read this I was not sure I wholly agreed with that sentiment. Although part of me agreed it’s true at least some of the time, I think another part of grief is the regrets that are expressed. That said, regrets are about not loving ourselves or others in ways we could have and, since we can’t change the past, perhaps that too could be seen as love with no place to go.

And as I type, my grand-aunt’s family has gathered around her but she is not yet in a state of surrender. I certainly have regrets about not having made it over to Canada for a visit before this moment. When my grand-aunt and her family emigrated by ship back in the 1960s, there was no thought of regular visits. But thankfully airplanes made a relationship possible that I would never otherwise have known.

It always seemed very exciting to me when our Canadian relatives visited, I remember my grand-uncle’s baseball caps as a thing that represented a whole different world as no one in Scotland wore them back then. As I later emigrated to a different part of the world, I think it was in part inspired by those earlier relatives who had made new lives abroad.

But I would have loved to visit. My grandparents took a trip over there many decades ago before they died, and my parents followed suit some years later. Despite the distance, made smaller by today’s technology, our family’s ties and relationship has deepened – and that is in no small part due to the lady I like to think of as a strong matriarch. Energetically there is a part of me now with my grand-aunt by her bedside, and another part in the subliminal space in-between where I envisage her sitting atop a meadow looking over a lake contemplating her life.

There is wealth of mixed feelings inside me right now, sitting alongside grief and what feels like an almost perpetual state of tiredness, stress and overwhelm. While I’m disappointed and embarrassed in not having made it over there all these years, I’m also in awe of the fortitude and generosity my grand-aunt demonstrated both because of and in spite of her own childhood hardships, the journey they made to start a new life, and the connection she maintained with and through the family despite the distance.

I will also feel relief for her when that final surrender comes, and I feel richer for the knowledge and love she imparted over the years. Having lost my own grandparents nearly forty years ago, her stories have helped me understand them and myself more, and I have also developed relationships within her family too that add another level of love and belonging to my life.

What I notice is that no feeling is an island, and grief is a good example of that. Whether it’s bad news or regrets of my own, or someone close to me passing, it’s always a mixture of blessings, some feel good and some feel bad. The point is to feel them all, I think, and to learn from what we can - for that is how we best honour ourselves, the things and the people we grieve.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Reconnect With Loved Ones to Gain Some Perspective on Life, Even in Grief There Are lessons to Be Learned, Celebrate Often the Ways in Which You Are More Than Good Enough, Pain as a Powerful Catalyst for Self Awareness and Growth and Sit With Your Sorrow, Wait as It Reveals the Lessons It Offers. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Sometimes there is just no getting around it, one task at a time, one way or another, I just have to roll up my sleeves and get stuck in.

And if I have to knuckle down to some tasks or work I’d rather not be doing, then the messages that have really been reinforced to me this week are:

• Sense check the work is aligned with my goals or aspirations. Does it reflect who I am now and who I want to become?
• Take the time to consider the choices I have first. Is this a task that actually needs to happen? By when? By who?
• If I am doing something for someone else on a regular basis that they are perfectly capable of doing themselves, then stop, it is keeping us both small
• Work on things I’m most passionate about as we tend to excel most when the hard work is meaningful and enjoyable to us
• If I must do things I don’t enjoy, try and learn something from them so I can grow
• When I have choices, do something that excites me, something I would do even if it doesn’t pay money
• Look before I leap, take a breath before taking action, do work in the quantum field of my imagination, visualizing what I want as an end result before wading in

The last time I had to enter the rental market was in 2006 when I arrived here in my new country. Back then I could just walk into a rental agency, the agent showed me four or five properties that met my criteria, and I chose the one that I loved.

The one I chose represented so many aspects of the benefits of moving here at that time, larger homes and gardens were standard back then, compared to the high density housing of the UK. So, while it wasn’t lavish, I relished having a home with the kind of space I could only have dreamed of living in before I emigrated.

These days everything is online and every advert says “do not text or call”. There is a link to press if you’d like to view a property, another if you’d like to put an application in. Neither of these appears to gain instant traction, so a steep learning curve has ensued.

Although I rent my current property, I just sort of fell into it through a friend. While I am grateful for that, it ticked all our boxes at the time - it was a safe and tidy place to live without having to wade through the arduous and competitive processes of the market itself – it doesn’t really reflect who we are now.

As I thought back to my experiences of 2006, I reflected on the rental I took then and realised I have the same opportunity now to be discerning and look for a place that represents the “us” that we are growing into. Despite the competition, I’ve realised that – while the market is moving quickly and properties are getting snapped up - there are also fresh properties coming online every week.

A lot of my personal growth journey has been about looking before I leap, taking a breath before taking action, doing work in the quantum field of my mind, visualizing what I want as an end result before wading in, but there comes a time when the work has to be done.

I don’t need to jump at just anywhere this red hot second though, there are more properties becoming available each week in the area I want to move to, and I have a great rental and credit record, no pets, so I should be a solid candidate for the places I apply to.

Therefore, with my gran’s words “what’s for you won’t go by you” in my mind, there’s probably a few weeks to sift through various options. There’s a real chance to get into the kind of place I really feel at home in, somewhere that not only feels safe and comfortable, but that I love, and provides the space to grow into the next stage of our journey.

I have had to do a quick study of the market, learn the art of renting afresh and I have to make full applications for places just in order to get a viewing. In itself, that hasn’t been fun. But, as I learned from Annette Noontil years ago, if you must do things you don’t enjoy, try and learn something from them so you can grow.

This is what I also taught my kids a few years ago about overwhelming tasks, like emptying the dishwasher when they are tired, just start somewhere and keep doing one thing at a time, they soon learned the art of stacking and unloading to best effect.

And the other thing Annette taught me was that if I’m doing something for someone else on a regular basis that they are perfectly capable of doing themselves, kids included, then stop. Doing other people’s responsibilities isn’t doing them a favour, it is stifling them and prohibiting their growth.

But in this case, finding a home is my responsibility and it is as overwhelming as it is meaningful, so this last week has been about just jumping in and starting somewhere, and I’ve learned a lot.

Coincidently, despite seventeen years having passed, and me moving a three-hour drive from where I originally located in 2006, much to my surprise I came across that very same agent here renting properties. I took this as a good omen.

So not only have a knuckled down to a task I dreaded, I’m actually now quite excited about the possibilities it affords.

I also read a reminder this week encouraging me to work on things I’m most passionate about as we tend to excel most when the hard work is meaningful and enjoyable to us. Where we live is most definitely meaningful to us and, I was also thinking about a young family member of mine struggling with subjects they’ve chosen at school, to which this equally applies.

I think about the choices my own kids will make in the coming years and I say “Find something that excites you, something you would do even if it doesn’t pay money. This is the way you become the best at what you do, then people can’t help but pay you for your work.”

Sure, sometimes there are tasks we just have to knuckle down to because of the outcomes we want, but taking the time to consider the choices we have first is critical to our future happiness.

What tasks are you doing – or about to do – that you might not enjoy? Check if they align with your goals, assess their necessity and priority, delegate when possible, learn from disliked tasks, prioritize passions, choose excitement over monetary gain, and visualize outcomes before acting.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Give Yourself Permission to Live Life in Alignment With Your True Nature, You Know What’s Best for You, So Stop Giving Your Power Away, Live ‘what is’ – Choose This Moment, An Open Letter to an Old Friend and Switch Focus to Get Unstuck. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

This is one of those life lessons I never enjoy, but I know from repeated experiences now that the feeling in my solar plexus of immediate retraction and tension – like a kick in the guts – is one that is going to be transformative in one way or another.

This week my landlord gave me notice they're moving in, as they have sold their main home, and I only have two months to find somewhere else and move. With the holiday season fast approaching, and receiving the email out of the blue, my nervous system went into fight or flight mode instantly.

To the outside world I had retreated, I shared the news with my close friends and then became very quiet for some hours as I absorbed the blow and began to process it. My mind was a blank, as my prefrontal cortex had shut down, which is generally what happens when we get a shock. 

In classic terms, the body senses danger – as if a tiger is about to strike – and gets our limbs ready to take action. The desire to take action was definitely there, overwhelming I observed, but there was no physical action to be taken so my mind seemed to swim around in useless circles.

And yet, somewhere within, there was a voice saying “It’s okay, you’ve dealt with this before, you know things are always working out even when you can’t see it yet, trust it will be okay”. This is the voice of experience.

Over the years there have been many kick in the gut moments that have forever changed the course of my life. When job restructures have happened and redundancies arisen, relationships have ended, people have abused their position and privilege, or people close to me have been diagnosed terminally ill or died. All of it comes as a shock, and yet here I am, I have survived it all and am somehow more as a result.

Serendipitously I had read a reminder just the day before I got the news that - like any upheaval or abrupt change - there is a sudden and jarring shift brought on by unpleasant and unexpected life events. But what I’ve learned is that I don't need to be scared, change is good. I was reminded that its abrupt aspect makes it something that is usually seen as negative but change often happens unexpectedly.

I was able to see the smaller, immediate blessings of the timing of the news. I’d just been for a walk on the beach, having spent the day catching up on some things that I’d been waiting to press forwards on. If I’d have received the news the day before, when life was in a more frazzled mode, it would have been tougher to receive.

There was no doubt that a part of me was definitely freaking out, especially with the responsibility for my dependant kids, but I have a deep knowing that all things work out. I thought about the absolute worst case scenario – putting things in storage and living in temporary accommodation for a while – which isn’t desirable by a long way, but it beats living in a car or the streets.

The key, I knew, is in how I responded. Chaotic or unpredictable energy flows in and out of all our lives, but I’ve learned it’s important to try to let events unfold naturally. And, most importantly, this type of energy can actually be connected with the idea that with unpredictability comes exciting, unforeseen possibilities.

The only immediate action I took was to inquire about the availability of movers at that tricky time of year, because the only certain thing is that we need to get our things out of the house and clean it by the date we have been given. 

The housing market here is like many other places around the world with interest rates going up and making home loan repayments unaffordable to many people. As a consequence, the cost of renting is going up too.

With interest rates on home loans going up, conversely there are less people willing to buy and house prices are becoming more within reach than they have in the last few years. So there may be an opportunity to get back in on the market.

My mind then wandered over the next couple of days and I began to get clearer thoughts. Of course I’ve had a look at what properties there are for rent and for sale, but the words of author and seasoned business leader Ken Blanchard rang in my ears. When asked how he starts each day he responded “with quiet time”.

Over the years, as I have learned to regularly practice meditation and observe the thoughts in my mind, I too have began to place an extremely high value on the premise of “doing nothing” first. I guess that is where old adages like “look before you leap” and “measure twice, cut once” come from.

Of course, there is the flip side where I could procrastinate and do nothing for too long, but that is unlikely; it’s not in my wiring. What I am pointing to is about taking a breath, letting my body come out of fight and flight, and weighing up my options. Regardless of where and how I move, there are pros and cons. The fact is I have to move, that I'm not in control of, but everything else I am.

I can’t bring this particular story to a conclusion on exactly why it’s the best thing that could have happened, but I know that whether it’s because it leads to my kids being closer to school, or getting back on the housing ladder, or me springboarding my business or all of those things and/or something else entirely, it will lead to something better.

Why? Because that has been the pattern my whole life. Like a game of snakes and ladders, sometimes change leads to leaps forward, sometimes life takes a temporary slide backwards, but always through changes I’ve grown, and – ultimately – I’m happier and more confident today than at any other time in my life. And that, I believe, is how it should be; always changing, always growing.

What about you? Can you think back to the times in your own life where you’ve received some news that has felt like a kick in the guts? In what ways has it pushed you towards your potential? As chaotic or unpredictable energy flows in and out of all our lives, let’s consciously connect it with the idea that with unpredictability comes exciting, unforeseen possibilities that turn out to be the best thing that could have happened.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How to Take Control of Those Curve Balls, How to Stop Yourself Getting Sucked Into Negative Experiences, Reclaim the Sweet Spot of Being in Your Element and Life – Will You Take the Easy Way or the Hard Way?. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

A friend of mine recently set an intention to take exquisite care of herself, and that word exquisite really grabbed my attention: its meaning pertains to something extremely beautiful and intensely felt. I love it because it sets the bar far higher than a general statement about taking care of oneself.

Since it was mentioned last week I’ve been sitting with the idea, and yesterday I got a true taste of what it really means for me. In short, the more I take care of myself on all levels, the more grateful I feel, and then I feel lighter, happier and am more focused and productive with less effort.

For the first time in a long while I had a massage booked in and, as I was driving to my appointment, I began to appreciate just what a beautiful day it was. The sun was out and the sky was cobalt blue, an aberration in the midst of an otherwise rainy week.

Driving along I noticed how green the hills around me looked and I started to talk to my body (in my head) as if it were another person. I expect a lot of my body and so I was thanking it for all that it holds for me and apologizing I hadn’t been for a massage in some time. As I lay on the massage table, I tuned into my body and the hour that followed was most definitely a practice in appreciation for the very apparent strain and tension that I had put upon my body and was now being unwound.

I know that a lot of that strain and tension doesn’t just come from the physical expectations I put on myself, but also the mental and emotional pressures that accumulate in various places throughout my body. As such, I try to be mindful of the foods I’m eating, the environments I put myself in and the thoughts and feelings I entertain.

My friend was asking me about how to stop the constant churning and spiraling of thoughts that go through our heads at busy or stressful times. I’m most definitely not immune to those, but find it has really helped me to be able to disassociate myself from those thoughts and become a curious observer of them.

This is a skill definitely made easier having practiced meditation regularly for a number of years, but starting with journaling is also a good tool, or anything out in nature where I can connect with Earth’s natural rhythms. All of that helps me become conscious of my thoughts and more curious about them. I’ve got enough experience to know that my thoughts and, therefore, feelings, directly correlate to which part of me is currently in the driving seat, and I have enough wisdom to know I can switch drivers.

Over the weekend I had gotten into a bit of a spiral with my favourite person to hang out with being temporarily in another continent and time zone. I knew it wouldn’t serve me to stay in a funk about it, and in many ways I was relishing some focused me-time. I took a moment to notice the gap I was feeling, I talked about it briefly with some friends, wrote about it in my journal, and really felt into and explored what was going on for me.

In my inner work over the years I’ve dealt with abandonment trauma and how it has showed up in my life in various ways, and spent the time needed in integrating those experiences within my psyche so these situations don’t continue to throw me for a loop. While this was a much healthier situation, there were definitely shades of those old feelings rising up, so I took the time to acknowledge them and get myself into a better space.

However, after my massage, I was far from unhelpful thoughts spiraling, quite the opposite. I was basking in appreciation of such an exquisite massage and thought I’d take advantage of that momentum and headed to the beach for a walk.

Because I was in such a good place mentally, emotionally and physically, I was able to really take in and appreciate the beauty of my surroundings and all the people, birds and dogs that were also sharing that space. While my walks on the beach are also a regular practice in appreciation for me, there are times when my energy isn’t quite so open and expansive; I’m sometimes there simply in need of a big breath of fresh air.

However, yesterday’s walk was exquisite. I was warm, protected against any sun damage, and able to walk freely alongside the ocean and appreciate the sparkling sunlight dancing on the waves, and the sea as it rushed in over my feet a number of times. As I looked out to the horizon I saw the island one of my children’s classes will soon be camping on, and imagined how lovely it will be in such glorious weather.

I left a voice drop for my favourite person telling them what I appreciate about having them in my life, and how much I’m looking forward to reconnecting when they return. But I also appreciate how much life has given each of us in the time apart; it truly has been a blessing in many ways.

Things had aligned yesterday to such an extent that I even had time for swim at my local outdoor pool later on with my friend. It really was a beautiful day that filled me up in so many ways. When I sat down to do some creative, yet technical, work I’d been putting off for a long time, it flowed with more clarity and ease than I could have hoped for.
When I awoke this morning, a daily calendar reminder flashed up to jog my memory to take a moment to tune into what receiving feels like, and to appreciate the decisions I’ve made that support my wellbeing. Immediately yesterday’s experiences came to mind (and were felt in my body)  and with ease I added so many more things to my list.

As I reflect, I can see that there are times I am simply in rescue mode. I take my beach walks or go for a swim because it’s all I can do in that moment to simply show up. What I get out of these things is often a much needed out-breath, but the more present I can be to the practice of appreciating things like my body, my situation, my people, my surroundings and my own wellbeing, the more exquisite care I can take of me and them.

What about you, what do you do to take care of yourself and is it exquisite? How can you adopt an extremely beautiful and intensely felt approach to self care in your life so that you feel lighter, happier, more open yet more focused and productive with less effort?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Self Care – When You Should Put Your Needs First, Start With the Self and the Rest Will Take Care of Its-Self, Why Do Some People Seem so Self Absorbed and Not Care About Others?, Make Choices That Will Have the Most Positive Impact in Your Life and Meditation – the Cornerstone to Your Success. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Wow did I spiral this week. One moment I was standing outside a changing room for hours while my adolescent daughter tried on many dresses for a school ball, then the next I was telling my closest friend how disempowered I felt, the pointless nature of trying to change the school system, and how I felt I didn’t belong (anywhere) and really what was the point of living.

How did I get from there to there? It was a classic trigger. Other than aching back and feet, the shopping trip had been relatively successful. It wasn’t until 5.30am the next morning (i.e. still sleep time in my world) that I started to get activated after my child awoke me fretting about her dress choice.

She was fretting because her friend liked another dress more than the one she had chosen, so she started second guessing her decision. After a chat about it being okay to listen to others whose style you like, while also backing and trusting your own choices, she promptly went back to sleep.

We had talked about how to see liking things other people wear as life reflecting back to you parts of your own unique style - then using that to guide your choices based on what colours and styles suit your body and personality best. It helped her realise her friend was projecting the photos of dresses (my daughter) tried on against her own body and personality.

With that addressed, the conversation led to why there was so much emphasis on an outfit for this particular ball anyway? It had traditionally been a renaissance themed ball where the kids do a Shakespearian play and keep their costumes on afterwards to do a bit of period dancing, with parents dressing up as optional. This year though they are doing a retro version of a Shakespearean play so the dress code is a little different, with an initial direction to have the kids wear their “good clothes”.

Unfortunately this falls only a few weeks before their final graduation party and, for my fashion conscious youngster, what she is going to wear to that particular event has been a source of many a conversation for most of the year. The traditional renaissance ball hadn’t been a thought in her head.

Therein lay the start of my spiral. Tired, with a busy day ahead, I questioned why I had to deal with two school balls in the space of a month anyway, it is nonsensical. This led to an evocation of memories of the many times in the past where the school have made choices that made no sense to me and, frankly, made my life more difficult than it needs to be.

The perfect storm of being tired, awoken and past triggers meant I was unable to get back to sleep as I played this around and around in my head. Just as I was finally dosing off, my other child awoke, and so the day began.

My friend later noticed I was lacking my usual luster, so that led to a recount of the night’s events and, by then, the dredged up memories of the times gone past where I’d tried to engage and initiate change at the school over the years and how these approaches were not welcomed by parents on the whole.

This sense of powerlessness evoked further memories of like-circumstances, as a spiral does, and so before I knew it I was honestly feeling like “what was the point of life” even. This, thankfully, I knew for what it was, a moment in time of feeling unseen, unheard and powerless. But I wasn’t completely identified with it, after years of personal development, meditation, introspection and inner work, I could see I’d allowed myself to freefall right in.

There had been many warning points prior where I could have pulled myself out. But I was too tired and activated and it was too tempting to just go with the lure of all those past voices that had worn pathways in my brain over and over in my earlier years.

The key here is to know that once I’m freefalling like that, the only way up is to hit rock bottom first. Trying to stop the thought and feelings spiral once it has gathered momentum is like trying to stop an avalanche, it’s better to simply let it take its course and be curious about it, as if I’m watching it happen from afar.

Thankfully my friend knew I wasn’t looking for answers, I just needed to feel heard. If I hadn’t had a friendly ear, I’d have written a journal entry about it instead to make sense of how I was feeling, or drawn a picture showing how my feelings and thoughts had tracked. I also get myself out in nature to switch up the energy and remind me that – despite these seemingly colossal events in my head – life still exists in the natural world around me at a much more even and predictable pace.

It makes logical sense that our brain reaches for like-thoughts and a spiral can go up or down. In this case, if I had taken the discussion with my daughter as a successful coaching conversation about self trust and confidence, I could have created a better and better feeling spiral. But in my tired and overwhelmed state it went the other way.

Such is life, I observed it with interest. Do I really believe I’m powerless to change anything? No.
Of course I have since spoken to the school teacher in my calmer state and she has steered the kids in a more practical direction, common sense prevailed. But even if it hadn’t, I recognise that the school will make choices and listen (or not listen) to me or other parents and act as they decide to and as is their right.

One of the toughest lessons I’ve found in a life where I learned about having and holding personal boundaries only in recent years, is allowing others to have their own opinions also, and for that to be okay even if they do not agree with mine.

I was reminded by the scene in Disney’s Frozen 2 we rewatched last weekend, Olaf was playing with the local children as a crisis unfolded and said “We’re calling this controlling what you can when things feel out of control”. There have been many times in my life others have tried to exert control over me when they had no right to, and my responses to that have been varied. Now I have the skills to manage things differently.

A few years back, in Your Childhood Is Not Your Fault but It Will Be Your Limitation, I wrote about the many ways in which the things we unwittingly learned in our early years can hamper us, and control patterns are central to the theme.

When we take responsibility for our shortcomings and seek to heal them, we break a cycle that has been repeating uninterrupted for thousands of years. We each become less encumbered, more connected, happier and more able to fulfill our potential. We become the very best version of ourselves, and that reflects into all our relationships.

But, that also includes stuffing it up along the way. I’m not perfect, I’m always learning and growing, and that is okay. Sometimes I’m the best version of me, sometimes I’m not, but I’m always learning. Once upon a time, that little spiral would have set me on edge for days, I’d have been on a crusade and nothing good would have come of it. Now it was just thought form that moved through within a few hours.

What about you, do you get unhelpful thought spirals at times? How do you move through them? And are there ways in which you can observe what is happening so you can catch your reaction earlier in the process?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Change Unhealthy Reactions, Empower Yourself - When a Difficult Reaction Sends You Into a Tailspin, Make the Invisible Visible - Celebrate the Gold in Your Emotional Reactions and Your Childhood Is Not Your Fault but It Will Be Your Limitation. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

It is that time of year again, the two month lead up to the festive season and suddenly demands on my calendar go nuts. The weird thing is that I forget this, the kids go into their final term at school for the year and I think of it like any other term – in parent language - it’s a time to get things done without distraction.

I can’t remember if it was this crazy when I lived in the UK, I think so. Certainly here in the southern hemisphere where the school year runs from the start to the end of the calendar year, there is an avalanche of plays, activities, camps, shows and such forth. In the workplace everyone seems to want to get everything done before mid December, which seems to mark the end of any activity except shopping and socializing until February,

When I travelled to the UK earlier this year I was reminded of the hectic pre-holiday “getting it all done” energy which, in essence, means do everything you would normally in advance of when you go so you can relax and enjoy your vacation. This next couple of months is like that on steroids.

I decided, after someone expressed some frustration to me, that I wasn’t buying into beating myself up. Having updated a friend on where I am at in life, I had been talking about creating my business website, they said (in paraphrase) “it may just be my frustration, but I think with all your skills you should just be out there being of service and not wasting time on that”.

It stung, I won’t lie, because I’m part of – and was brought up in – a society that highly prizes productivity and doing. To procrastinate is a sin of gargantuan proportion. And yet, as I pointed out, I do actually have a job as a parent, and I do also already work in my career, I’m not waiting on anything other than right timing.

Walking along the beach today I thought about how it’s easier to catch a wave than battle against them. In fact I advise people to wait for those moments when things are lined up and you can act with ease rather than feel you’re battling against everything.

I also thought about how hard on myself I was being, and why the implication I might be procrastinating in any way stung. Technically procrastination is to put something off, yes, I agree with that if it’s not right timing and it isn’t urgent. I think the inference that I may never get around to that thing is what offends more.

I only have to look in my rear view mirror to see that in some ways I’m an over achiever, the things I commit to I embrace fully and seriously and – if I try to do everything that life offers up on its plate - I get prone to burn out.

Once my nervous system kicks into flight or fight, it gets harder to distinguish between what is urgent and what is important, everything feels that way, and I go into hyperdrive trying to get it all done. So after years of following the same old unhealthy patterns, now I tend to tell myself it’s absolutely okay not to get everything done.

Migraines, kidney stones, chronic muscle tension, back pain, heart palpitations and arrhythmia (among other things) have all played a part in my story along the way. I’ve invested a lot of time and energy in my wellbeing and getting healthy mentally, emotionally and physically, so I’m not about to start buying into old narratives that simply do not serve me or anyone close to me.

I’m enjoying cultivating the new website in my imagination. The domain name was purchased some time ago, but the timing to actually apply the creative process to it has been off. It’s like a sculptor with clay, when creating something from nothing but the raw material, to bring it to life requires space to get into that fluidity of creation.

I suspect that the timing is almost upon me even in this busy period. There are days coming up where I may be alone for a few days at a time, and those could be just right for the inspiration to flow. Or not: I’ve learned too much about life to know it does not always go as planned. But I also know if I hold an intention, which is now building to some excited anticipated as I imagine some of the words and images I’ll use, the right time will present itself and it will all flow beautifully and intensely.

As I was listening to an interview with Megan Devine about her books It’s Okay That You’re Not Okay and How to Carry What Can’t Be Fixed, I acknowledged what an intense journey I’ve been on in recent years. There have been the trials of motherhood, losing my own mother, the deep trauma work I’ve done and all I’ve learned in that field, not to mention a rather toxic separation mirrored in many ways with what was happening socially (or one could say antisocially) with the global response to the pandemic.

There is absolutely no doubt that I’ve been grieving for many things on many levels, and allowing myself that space and time to heal and to get comfortable with the things that have happened that I cannot change. Taking the time to actually consider my mental, emotional and physical landscape like this is important.

It’s often the case we expect to “have a good night’s sleep” and be restored to full energy and ready to take on the next thing the next day. Certainly as I’ve gotten older I’ve realised there are lots of things getting processed on lots of levels at any one time, and the tank is not always anywhere near full.

I acknowledge, for example, that creating life in my womb and growing a number of humans in there (not all of whom made it through), then birthing and feeding actual humans who grew from virtually nothing to substantial - all from being fed only by my body for almost two years at a time – comes at a cost that even many years later I don’t feel fully recovered from.

Thus, as I enter crazy season on the calendar, as a mum of some amazing adolescents, partner to an incredible human, cultivator of growth, expansion and big dreamer of servitude aligned with my purpose, and friend and family member to many more beautiful people I love, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it’s absolutely okay not to get everything done and say no to people at times.

What about you? As you enter one of the busiest times of the year, are you able to appreciate all that you are, and all you have accomplished, and still be absolutely okay not to get everything done and say no to people?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Make Choices That Will Have the Most Positive Impact in Your Life, Who is in the Driving Seat – My Ego or My True Self?, How to Make Me-Time a Top Priority, Give Yourself the Gift of Presence to Relieve the Torture of Stress and Sit With Your Sorrow, Wait as It Reveals the Lessons It Offers. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

It’s easy to get caught up in tasks and thoughts, so easy that full days can slip by without much room for feeling very present in my surroundings even. Overthinking leads to anxiety, and I’ve experienced enough of that in my life to have become actively aware of managing my presence and not getting too caught up and identified with my thoughts.

I’ve found the best way back to reality is by focusing on the senses: listening to the sounds in the room, focusing on my breath, or a single point in the room or around me for a few minutes, taking the time to notice the aromas around me or to feel the texture of something, pet an animal or sit and savour the taste of a drink or some food.

I pulled out an old workbook from a course by marketing guru Julia Stege this week, and the questions really popped out at me. She asks questions like what am I here on Earth to do? What do I want my impact in the world to be? What is most important to me, to my soul, right now? The one I really liked was writing a list of words that reflect what my soul is about.

Words like authenticity, transformation, alignment, evolution, empowerment and multidimensional sprang to mind, but there were many more, like beauty, love and luminosity which made me ponder on the things that connect quickly to the soul, and reflect my inner world on the outside. Nature is one very obvious answer, and seeing the beauty in it.

As I type, I can hear the birds outside, and – at a glance – I can see some beautiful red and yellow tulips that have popped up in the garden. It’s Spring here, the sun is peeping out from behind the clouds which always pours a magical luminescence on everything. And there is enough blue in the sky to remind me that Summer is on its way.

One of my favourite things to do when I feel stuck is to look at big vistas, I’m sure it’s my soul’s way of reminding me of the big picture in life. Nothing is ever permanent, and everything changes over time. That is why I love to walk on the beach, to watch the waves breaking on the shore, and slowly turning the shells of the sea creatures who are no longer alive into the stunning golden sand that warms my feet.

I love looking to the horizon, whether on a beach or high up on a hill or mountain, and I love looking up at the stars at night. I read yesterday a beautiful verse about stars “A star shines its light without expectation. It draws its seemingly infinite power from an unknown source and burns brightly with a lifespan we can hardly comprehend”.  While I’m unsure of the author, the words resonate.

When I take the time to look up at the night sky and see thousands of stars flickering in the night sky I can’t help but feel a sense of wonder and perspective. It’s also a very calm feeling, no matter what is going on here down on Earth at any particular time, there are some things that just march on regardless. It instantly fills me with peace, wonder and awe.

I’ve done a lot of cerebral and emotional work on identifying my true values, beliefs, talents, desires and so forth, communicating them through healthy boundaries and practicing watching out for old unhealthy patterns resurfacing. But the key to living my life with my inner and outer worlds in alignment is to continually focus on my presence in the world around me.

The easiest way to embody who I am on a soul level is to embrace the wonder of life through my senses on a regular basis. It’s about taking many micro breaks in my thinking throughout the day, regularly meditating, contemplating and having enough larger breaks away from my routine throughout the year to remain tuned in to what’s really on-purpose for me.

What about you, what are you here on Earth to do and are you living in alignment with that? What do you want your impact in the world to be? What is most important to you, to your soul, right now? Will you write a list of words that reflect what your soul is about? And will you embrace the wonder of your senses every day to embody these?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Presence Your True Needs, Talents and Desires to Step Into the State of Fullness, How to Be More Present in the Moment, Fully Engaged, and Substantial, How to Switch Between Your Life Roles With Grace and Ease  and Give Yourself the Gift of Presence to Relieve the Torture of Stress. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Having reflected on a brand relaunch I attended recently, I started to think more deeply about my personal brand. In many ways my career has been about helping organisations become more aligned with the kind of brand they want to cultivate with their customers.

My own personal journey has been about living life on the outside aligned with my inner world - the internal vision, values, beliefs, talents, passions and so forth that I hold - so that the things I care most deeply about are the things I get to express authentically in the world.  Now I help others do the same.

For many, the word brand belongs with a marketing function, and a rebrand will typically involve some of the senior folks in an organisation, the people who have more strategic roles, and this usually happens when the organisation wants to change something about the way they are perceived in the market. 

The vision and values of an organisation are clearly linked in with this, as should everything else be in an organisation – from the language and visuals used to attract and recruit new employees, through to the types of questions being asked and evaluations being used to ensure the right kind of people both are attracted to and retained by the organisation over the longer term.

The experience customers have with the organisation, be it a service or product they use, or person or bit of technology they interact with, or a billboard they see, should be aligned with and embodied by the direction setters’ strategic thinking about how they want the organisation to be perceived.

If a company values diversity and inclusion, for example, I should see this in the people who represent the company; I should experience inclusion within the company if I work for them, or in interacting with the company as a potential associate or client.

If a business wants to appear relevant to the next generation, it needs to employ people who also want to be relevant to (and are interested in) the next generation. So that those people dress, talk and act in ways that both honour their own authenticity and generation while connecting with the younger age bracket.

If an organisation provides a particular service or product, then it needs to live and breathe those services and products internally. For example, if a training and development company isn’t training and developing its own people, and being led from the front by the key decision makers demonstrating their own commitment to continuous growth and learning, it all smacks of a certain lack of commitment and sincerity.

In reality, most people (employees and customers alike) confuse brand with nothing more than a new “strap line”, colour palette, visuals, and fonts. Tremendous amounts of work and money go into new livery, shop fronts, uniforms, leaflets, websites and so forth but little else of substance happens.

At the event I was attending, I got to hear about the new strap line and I got to see the new look, but I had expected reassurances about maintaining all the things that we loved about their work, while showcasing some of the newer and cutting edge things coming down the line.

I listened to a case study about the return on investment a client got from using this company’s products and then we split into conversation groups about issues we were currently facing in the workplace which, while valid, didn’t seem to obviously connect in with the re-brand’s key focus.

None of this is unusual, and nor was it uninteresting or unproductive, but I mourned the opportunity to really be captivated by the brand and excited about its future and the ways in which I might be able to leverage and promote it in my own business.

That said, there’s never actually any opportunity wasted. As I listened to all the discussion at the event I was attending, it helped me really gain clarity on what I love. While I used to thrive on coming in and giving organisations a great shake down, to see what was on-brand and what wasn’t, what it actually helped me orientate towards was getting really clear on my own personal brand.

Nine years ago, I set out on the deliberate journey to align my outer and inner worlds. I worked hard to identify my own passions, needs, talents, beliefs and so forth, as well as shake out all the unhelpful skeletons in my own closet; many of the unhelpful and dysfunctional ways of perceiving things and reacting.

Along the way I learned new communication skills to hold and communicate my personal boundaries, I learned new ways to deal with high conflict personalities and I learned a great deal more about the human psyche and trauma, among many other useful things.

I now need to relook at what I present to the world through my online presence, the way I speak about “what I do” when people ask and any other aspects needed to attract more of the people and things I really enjoy getting engaged with.

While I might be able to see where other people or organisations are out of synch with what they say they stand for, I also want to make darn sure I’m in alignment and that my own personal brand shines through in that way more often than not.

On any given day, I know different parts of me can be in the driving seat depending on what else is happening in my life, and old unhelpful stories come up. It’s my job to recognise those for what they are and shift to a more productive state, which is something I can now do with more and more ease.

I know that I want to help others’ align their outer and inner worlds so that they are able to gain clarity, inner peace, wisdom and confidence to achieve whatever their essential or authentic self wants to achieve, I also know I have to do that from a place of groundedness and profound insight.

While I genuinely love helping people discover their unique gifts, talents and contributions - and helping them uncover and move past any roadblocks to achieving their goals in all areas of their life - I can only do that if I am living the same way. Because I so highly value that perspective, being in a place of alignment is a must do for me, it’s as important as breathing.

And the results for me are becoming evident in the many life changes that have occurred along the way. There are some new circumstances and people that I’ve attracted in recent years, and some old ones I had to let go of, in order to be more “me”.

What about you, are your outer and inner worlds on the same page? Is your personal brand one that actually exudes the real essence of who you are rather than some other version of you that you shaped yourself into in order to be accepted long ago? Do you truly attract “your” kind of people into your life, or are you always stuck in a dynamic of having to prove yourself to key figures?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Who is in the Driving Seat – My Ego or My True Self?, Trust That It’s Absolutely Okay to Not Know Where You’re Going, Ways to Reach for Growth Rather Than Reacting With Old Conditioned Constriction, Put Mature Parts of You in the Driving Seat for Better Results and Are the Most Loving, Courageous and Compassionate Parts of You in the Driving Seat? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

When catching up with some friends last weekend they asked what had brought us to the area. We explained it was a corporate event, a brand relaunch, and they then went on to express their misgivings about such things. It started with an eye roll, followed by a not atypical tale of many rounds of consultants having passed through their organisation over the years to talk about the culture, vision and brand and so forth and, ultimately, “nothing ever changes”.

It’s interesting, many people who have worked in organisations will have brushed up against something similar, and many express similar feelings about “those types of initiatives”. And no wonder really. All our friend wants is clear recognition of their value, whereas they constantly feel no one appreciates them or the vital nature of their role.

For me, this big picture stuff and how it connects in across an organisation was – and still is (though in quite a different way) – my livelihood for many years. I can acutely remember arriving in New Zealand in 2006 and, in the process of carving out a new life for myself, meeting lots of new people who would inevitably ask “What do you do?” The answer to that was that I worked in Customer Experience transformation, which would generally elicit a blank stare.

Further explanations about working with people, culture, leadership development, brand, communications, processes and systems and so forth would then cause foreheads to crease and a pained expression to appear.

While it is true that many people have never worked in an organisation that has the luxury of splitting the multifaceted aspects of running a business into large departments (like operations, customer services, human resources, marketing, communications, finance, technology and so forth), even those that do often don’t get the depth and breadth of change required to change their customers’ experience of the organisation – far less equate it to the experience most of the employees are having inside the organisation.

Yet there are few among us these days that haven’t been sent down the endless rabbit holes of automated phone systems and, when we eventually reach that glorious moment of reaching an actual human, it is short lived when it becomes the latest in a long list of unhelpful encounters over some quite simple thing.

Regardless of a person’s personal experience of all things corporate and the associated language and jargon, most people can relate to having sub optimal interactions with some kind of organisation or business. And many of us will relate with my friend’s experience of feeling undervalued and unrecognized in their work.

Whether – and how – organisations deal with these interactions was my bread and butter. I had come from a country that was densely populated and, the larger the organisation, the more complex the changes and transformation were to improve things. Why? Because there are more people involved.

All this I am sure seems obvious. Just as I would have hoped the links between employee satisfaction, customer satisfaction and sustainable profits were.

And yet… in every large organisation I was involved in that said it wanted to transform the customer experience, it often didn’t happen. Why? The prevalent issue is that the person or people who actually make decisions on the direction of an organization most often were not the ones driving it.  This might be the CEO, managing director, a board member, an owning group, politicians and so forth.

As I socialized with people from various training and development functions last week, I observed that the conversations hadn’t really changed much in the six years since I’d last been involved with a large organisation. Sure, topics such as flexible ways of working and artificial intelligence are new, but the endemic problems in leading change and transformation still exist – in short the people who need to lead it don’t.

From my observations, many CEO’s, managing directors, board members, and those at similar levels of leadership among owning groups and politicians, don’t have a people focus. It’s rare to find Human Resource or Customer Experience professionals in those roles, more often it’s people with an operational or financial bent, with qualifications in business economics, finance and accounting most common. Yet these people are leading people who serve people.

As much as I used to enjoy compiling monthly financial reports (which is about as much as I enjoy sticking pins in my eyes) the same I am sure is true in reverse for those whose natural bent is numbers and logic compared with psychology and people. None of the departments in large organisations are superfluous to requirements, yet careers have been carved out in a way that can makes many professionals oblivious to the value of their peers and colleagues in other areas.

One guy I met last week runs a fantastic networking organisation for CEOs, a place where those at the pinnacle of the organisation structure can come along and hear about the different issues they are each facing and brainstorm ideas together. As he said, it can be the loneliest job in any organisation.

I think most of us can relate to getting placements or new jobs we felt quite nervous about starting, and I know from my many conversations with CEOs across many fields and organisation sizes, it’s really no different. Except… I would say there is an added pressure of having the position at the top and a sense of – whether rational or not – “I should know all the answers”.

Terms like servant leadership have been around for many decades, but it really is rare to meet individuals in those positions who have the level of self confidence that is needed to take that approach. Many have an egotistical confidence, sure, but the kind of confidence I’m talking about requires a lot of inner personal work, which many have never had the opportunity to explore. And it is fair to say that the many messages we all receive growing up about success (through media, stories, modeled in family systems, education and so forth) are often rife with not showing any weakness.

It’s also understandable why people and teams start operating in isolation or competition and don’t really have a grasp on what their interrelationship with every other department needs to be in order to deliver the basic product or service well never mind to deliver strategic things like new vision statements, values, culture and brand.

Really the kind of change and transformation programmes that can make a real difference is where the person who sets the direction for the organisation has undergone a lot of personal growth and transformation or leads the way by embracing it personally.

Coming back to that friend with their eye roll, I can well understand their cynicism. And that little venture back into corporate life has given me clarity and assurance on the types of organisations and people I like to work with, really it’s the ones where I can makes the biggest difference.

When I left Auckland nine years ago, I swore never to return to that scale of corporate transformation. “Never say never” my old boss said. He’s right of course, but it would take someone out of the norm with extraordinary commitment to entice me back.

I notice it often takes being “in” something that I don’t like or want – be it a career, relationship or otherwise – to know what I do want. I’m far happier these days working with those people who run smaller businesses, where who they are and what they do affect changes far more quickly because the buck stops with them be it on finances, recruitment choices, how they develop their staff or the look of the website.

Moreover, I work with people to align their business direction with their personal values and passions. I’m not interested in anything other than helping folks’ line up their inner world with their outer world as I think that is when not only are they happier, they attract and are attracted to, people with similar interests and goals, and it sets the context for a much more contented, more productive workplace with happier staff, customers and balance sheet.

What have you been “in” that has given you the kind of impetus to follow your heart in another direction? Do you recognise any of these issues in your own workplace? What changes can you make to your working choices to live a happier life? Sometimes the biggest change and transformation we have to make is the one within ourselves to be able move on and try something different, something more aligned with our own inner passions, talents and desires.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Do You Want to Make a Heartfelt Change to Your Career?, Profit, Purpose and Personal Fulfillment Can Thrive Together - A Remarkable New Organisational Construct, Make Choices That Will Have the Most Positive Impact in Your Life, Leadership: Why Trust Leads to Better Business Outcomes, From Frustrating to Fantastic – How Do We Get Organisations to Meet Our Needs? and Normal Is Dysfunctional That Is the Growth Opportunity. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.