Are you someone typical of being kind to others while being hard on yourself?

I was talking to a mentor of mine about easing into my softness - in relation to myself - and observing how my body responds. Immediately I thought about the Empress archetype in Tarot. Her feminine energy is able to flow through any situation without needing to use force. When the energy of the Empress is present things feel easy and enjoyable, without strain or excessive effort. And because you are relaxed and present, creativity can move through you.

This was coming from a woman who combines the strength, confidence, and decisiveness of an alpha female with the nurturing, creative, and empathetic qualities of the Empress. This is a powerful blend that I think most of us would recognise as a powerful individual regardless of whether in a male or female body. I’m talking about someone who:

• Leads with Authority and Compassion: Confidently taking charge and taking decisive actions while also being empathetic and understanding, fostering a supportive environment for those around them.
• Inspires and Nurtures Growth: Their leadership encourages and cultivates the talents and growth of others, nurturing their development both personally and professionally.
• Balances Strength and Sensitivity: They demonstrate a strong presence and command respect, yet remain approachable and caring, creating a harmonious balance between authority and warmth.
• Empowers and Protects: They empower others to reach their full potential while also protecting and advocating for their well-being, ensuring a safe and thriving community.
• Drives Creativity and Innovation: Leveraging their creative instincts, they inspire innovation and progress, bringing fresh ideas and solutions to the table while maintaining a clear vision for the future.

I recognised aspects of myself in this also, particularly in relation to certain roles I held at times in my career, and the way I bring up my children. My mind jumped to something I read about the metaphysical interpretation of soft skin a few years back, that our skin reflects who we are on the inside. At the time I’d never really thought of myself as soft in any way, such is the armour I’d developed.

But then I recall a therapist once observing how it was funny that I was hard on the outide but soft on the inside, while my then partner was like a teddy bear on the outside but hard as nails inside. And then a conversation I’d had with my dad when the kids were younger came to mind, as he observed how he felt his role as grandparent (the good guy) was being undermined because I wasn’t playing the bad guy as their parent.  

Yes I had come to recognise these softer feminine qualities in myself. However, this is about nurturing me. She asked me to observe how I respond when easing into my softness, my beauty, my motherhood, when turning those things in on myself.

That brought to mind Sarah Durham Wilson’s work on the archetypal journey from maiden to mother. Her teaching is about internal growth, self-responsibility, and embracing the full spectrum of feminine energy. It's about moving from dependency and external validation to internal strength, resilience, and a nurturing capacity that can then be extended to the world.

Her focus is on healing the triple mother wound, which refers to a complex set of emotional and psychological issues that can arise from difficult or strained relationships with one's mother. It typically involves three main aspects:

1. Personal Mother Wound: This is the direct impact of the relationship with your own mother. It could include feelings of abandonment, neglect, emotional unavailability, or even abuse. These experiences can leave deep emotional scars and affect your self-esteem, relationships with others, and overall well-being.
2. Cultural Mother Wound: This refers to broader societal or cultural norms and expectations placed on mothers and motherhood. It includes societal pressures and stereotypes about what it means to be a "good" mother or a "perfect" mother, which can create unrealistic expectations and feelings of inadequacy for both mothers and their children.
3. Ancestral Mother Wound: This aspect acknowledges that our relationships with our mothers can be influenced by generational patterns and unresolved traumas passed down through families. It recognizes that emotional and behavioral patterns observed in our mothers may originate from their own upbringing and family history, impacting how they parent and relate to their children.

The triple mother wound describes the complex interplay of personal, cultural, and ancestral factors that shape our experiences and relationships with our mothers. It highlights how these dynamics can influence our emotional well-being, sense of identity, and relationships throughout our lives. Addressing and healing these wounds often involves deep self-reflection, therapy, and sometimes, exploring family histories to understand and break cycles of pain and dysfunction. By healing this, we can reclaim our power, lead lives rooted in love, authenticity, and profound inner wisdom.

In many ways this describes quite well the largest portion of the personal growth journey I’ve been on for a number of years. However, the challenge to turn that nurturing in on myself is still one that has holes. For example, when it comes to making time each day for self-care activities that nurture your body, mind, and soul, I’m doing pretty well. But when it comes to compassionate self-talk, I’m probably failing miserably. Developing a habit of speaking to myself with kindness and compassion, instead of self-criticism, requires more focus. My inner critic is probably on overdrive.

And I can be hit and miss on many of the other things Sarah Durham Wilson recommends: reconnecting with nature, embracing the Divine Feminine, mending relationships with maternal figures, inner child healing, shadow work, creating personal rituals (that mark significant transitions or honor your personal growth), celebrating your wisdom, setting boundaries, seeking professional support, building a supportive community and pursuing passions and purpose. Honestly, some of these things I’ve done and do really well, others I’ve hardly looked at.

And when I’m asked to observe how my body responds to easing into my softness, my femininity, well, that is hard on two levels. The first is that I’m still very new to observing what is going on for me in my body as opposed to my head. The body stores our emotions and any resultant stress, tension or pain. I’m one of those people who is learning to come into my heart from my head, so thank goodness for working with someone as transformative as Evette Rose.

Evette is renowned for her transformative Metaphysical Anatomy book, methods and techniques. As an author, trauma release practitioner, and personal development teacher, she rather sublimely guides people through deep-seated emotional wounds, uncovering their life purpose, and achieving profound personal growth. To me, she stands out as the queen of 'going inward’ and observing the body, and I am incredibly grateful to have her profound insight and guidance at this point on my personal journey.

As I navigate this journey of embracing my feminine softness and nurturing myself, I realise that, just as I've learned to celebrate the nurturing qualities I extend to others, I'm challenged to turn that same kindness inward.

Perhaps you, too, find echoes of your own journey here. Are you allowing yourself the same compassion you give to others? Remember that our journey towards self-kindness is a work in progress, a continual evolution, filled with moments of insight and growth. Let's each find the courage to soften into our vulnerabilities, recognising the strength that comes from embracing our authentic selves.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Presence Your True Needs, Talents and Desires to Step Into the State of Fullness , Take the Quantum Leap: Nurture Your Creativity and Intuition to Craft a Life of Purpose and Embracing the Feminine within All of Us. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

As I was walking along the beach today, I started reflecting on the journey that brought me here, to this beach that I rate among the most beautiful white sand beaches in the world. It was 17 degrees, with blue skies and a calm ocean. The sun was glittering on the water as it hung low in the sky, a reminder that next week brings our shortest day of the year.

While my journey to New Zealand officially began with a decision on the opposite side of the world in October 2004, it was the beaches of my childhood holidays that ignited that longing within me. As the long nights and awful weather of autumn set in during the early 2000s, coupled with more rounds of delays on the railway lines and mountains of claims and complaints to process, I decided that enough was enough—I needed more sun in my life.

Today, I appreciate the beautiful environment I have the privilege of living in. Every time I see the sun glittering across the waves, I can't help but think, "How lucky am I?"

For those who read my musings regularly, it's clear that much of my focus is on personal growth and empowerment. It's about owning my thoughts and feelings and using them as pointers to what needs to be seen and heard. When unhelpful patterns play out in our lives, it’s a sign of deeper work that needs attention.

As Tony Robbins says, "Energy flows where attention goes." That often presents a conundrum. It’s a fine balance between bypassing critical issues that limit our growth and putting so much attention on them that we manifest more of the issues we are trying to escape.

On the one hand, it’s not healthy to “put a positive spin on things” if it means ignoring psychological or physical ailments. I saw a quote this week from Zara Bas that resonated deeply:

"If you have to sacrifice your voice to keep the peace, it’s no longer peaceful. You’re internalizing the chaos instead."

On the other hand, if I focus so much on the chaos, I know I’m just inviting more chaos.

Striking a balance is crucial, and it can be more of an art than a science, especially if there are deep trauma patterns and ongoing chaos to deal with. That said, nothing is all bad or all good, I’ve discovered. Even in the extremes of life, we hear from survivors who demonstrate that amid atrocity, there often exists a seed of something else—something that shows us we have the capacity for both resilience and brilliance even in the darkest of times, perhaps even because of that time in darkness.

Personally I think it comes down to a decision. Perhaps even a series of decisions, like this:

1. This will not get the better of me, I will survive it and fulfill more of my potential as a result – I will become more capable, more confident, more resilient, more self aware, more self loving, and so forth
2. I will not spend all my time focusing on this, but neither will I ignore it. I have to create deliberate times where I can be absorbed in activities that remind me of all the wonderful things in my life
3. Repeat

A couple of weeks ago, I came across a picture of the 1970s Holly Hobby wallpaper I had in my bedroom as a girl. That took me back to a time that is a huge contrast to the present. There is so much for which I am grateful, both in terms of the values and skills I learned back then and the experiences I had (like those holidays by the sea), through to the way my journey has evolved and the values, boundaries, people, and places that are now part of my day-to-day existence.

What I have to keep reminding myself is to focus on and consciously appreciate the great things in my life, just as much as I value the lessons from the tough times. When I tune into my body, it’s not hard to tell when it’s weary or in pain. My job is to listen, to nurture myself, and to find the balance that keeps me thriving.

So, what about you? Are you caught up in the chaos, or can you find regular moments to savour the good stuff? Take a hard look at your life—acknowledge the struggles, but don’t forget to celebrate the victories. Life is a gritty, beautiful mix. Are you appreciating your share of the good?

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Switch Focus to Get Unstuck, , Intention Is the Key to Transforming Your Life, Win-Win-Win Giving, Sit With Your Sorrow, Wait as It Reveals the Lessons It Offers and Your Childhood Is Not Your Fault but It Is Your Responsibility. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

I was doing an exercise as part of Evette Rose’s Healing Your Boundaries course, which asked us to write down a list of things we enjoy doing for others and a list of things we resent doing. As I started to contemplate things I do for others, I began to question if I enjoy doing anything. I know there are things I don’t mind doing, and I do them because they are reasonable and align with my deeper values around relationships. But enjoy?

There was also a section that dealt with overcompensated boundaries, where people say “yes” all the time regardless of whether they want to do what is being asked, and conversely, say “no” all the time without giving the other person a chance to explain what they need or what kind of support is required. Both are trauma responses, where we have learned it’s safer to say yes or no all the time to feel safe.

It was interesting doing the course after first reading the accompanying book back in early 2020. At the time, I hadn’t even really begun to define my own boundaries, and I was not in a situation where my boundaries were respected, even if they were articulated.

It was useful then, at the start of my boundary journey, to understand why I had developed into a fairly boundary-less giver. But it was extremely useful to go through the course again, after having done a lot more work on boundaries these last few years, and deal with all the negative associations I have, given my history as an over-giver.

Then I read an article from Teal Swan on Empty Nesters which made me reconsider whether I might even be a natural giver, or if that was a trauma response from childhood. When I read, “Do you feel that you were called to be in a support role? To do all the things that parenting requires, such as caretaking, managing, relationship skills, organisation, focusing on others, structuring, communicating, educating, providing affection, anticipating needs and fulfilling them, behavioral management, supporting, guiding, protecting, nurturing, devoting yourself, etc.” I thought, “Mmm, do I feel called to that?”

True, later in the article she talks about how one of the most common things to experience in this transition is tiredness, if not absolute exhaustion. She says that tiredness needs to be tended to, not bulldozed. Exhaustion is certainly how I feel, not just after years of parenting, but including parenting.  

Then I reflected on how I'm part of another growing group - the part-empty nesters. When the kids we cared for so much 24/7 are now living between two homes due to separation. Two houses, two different sets of values; one not fully recognising the need for their emotional processing. Courts, not trauma-informed, focus mainly on physical abuse and overlook other crucial aspects. Yet as a parent, we want the highest level of care for our kids, not just the minimal standard the system deems acceptable.

Many of the points in the Empty Nesters article resonate with this situation, which is great. But there are also numerous other dynamics in "split living empty nesting": letting go of control, trusting in the higher plan for their life, teaching them how to self-manage at a much younger age, and dealing with resentment, exhaustion, trauma from the past, and overgiving, among others.

Then I watched the movie 3000 Years of Longing and when I heard lead actress Tilda Swinton say "I was like a prisoner emerging from the dungeon into the sunlight. I expanded into the space of my own life", I knew that shaking off these negative associations with giving is what would make me feel this way entirely.

I thought about my pattern of lifelong over-giving and something else Teal wrote: “For many empty nesters, their actual calling and actual purpose is to be in a support role. This is what drives them. It is what they can’t not do. Their purpose for being is to give their energy to something or someone that needs it and can take it and use it.”

I also felt the familiar tug of calling when she asked, “The real question for you to answer is: Do I want to use these skills and be in a new and different support role? Do I want to use these skills I have on something new or not? What you have to offer is very much needed and very much matters. So don’t slip into the illusion that you don’t matter anymore. Different things are now in need of what you have to give.”

Evette encourages us to focus on doing for others things that make us happy and joyful without feeling that we are losing our energy or time (they should energise us). She mentions how “Acts of goodwill should leave that warm feeling in your heart and you will know 100% that you don’t want anything in return. And even when you do these acts, always have boundaries with yourself, know and recognize your limits.”

I recall flying back from the UK after a quick two-day visit to see my mum, who was in the final stages of cancer at the time. I was utterly exhausted. The kids were young then, and their nana was able to look after them for five days while I undertook the grueling journey. Yet, as exhausted as I was, I couldn’t help but want to assist a poor lady who had become very sick and disoriented somewhere after Dubai.

It was the job of the flight attendants to help her, and they did, but she was on her own, so I sat with her and mainly just provided a sense of comfort in knowing someone was there and keeping an eye on her.

As a parent of young kids, part of my job was often tending sickness. Having been badly let down at times by the medical system, I had educated and trained myself over the years in understanding how phenomenal a healer our own body is, particularly when we can calm our mind and emotions. I learned that there was generally no need to rush to the doctor at the first sign of a fever, nor vomiting, as both – while distressing – are usually healing reactions. The best thing we can often offer is a sense of calm and confidence to help someone regulate their nerves and let their body do its thing.

As this memory popped into my head, a flood of others followed, and I recognized the truth in what Teal had said: “It is what they can’t not do.” This realisation prompted me to deeply consider my relationship with giving. Have I been giving from a place of genuine desire, or has it been a conditioned response rooted in trauma?

Reflecting on this question has been crucial in my journey of healing and boundary-setting. I encourage you to take a moment and ask yourself: Is your giving healthy and joyful, or is it a reaction to past experiences? Understanding the nature of your giving can be transformative, offering you the opportunity to heal and redefine your boundaries. It’s an essential step in ensuring that your acts of kindness nourish both you and those you care for.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Win-Win-Win Giving, You Know What’s Best for You, So Stop Giving Your Power Away, From Lone Wolf to Team Player - Navigating the Symphony of Collaboration in Life, Devote Your Attention to Ways You Impact Others and How You’re Truly Treated and Normal Is Dysfunctional That Is the Growth Opportunity. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

Watching the culmination of Bohemian Rhapsody, the movie, I was transported back to 13 July 1985 when Live Aid was played live to audiences at Wembley stadium in London and JFK Stadium in Philadelphia, which aired to millions of people around the world. An estimated 40% of the world’s population watched that day.

Queen stole the show, Freddie Mercury’s usual exuberant performance was entirely memorable in his blue jeans, white vest top and studded arm band; the movie did well to replicate the details. I knew all Queen’s songs well, my mum was an avid fan, and I vividly remember her exclaiming at his performance that day “look at that body (in its magnificence), he’s not gay!” The world has come a long way since.

As my thirteen year old self sat glued to the screen, I remember thinking:
•             “of course he’s gay”
•             “despite the vigor, there’s sadness here”

Perhaps this was a glimmer of the kind of intuition I’ve always taken for granted, perhaps it was just glaringly obvious. Certainly when Freddie and Brian May returned later in the concert to perform Is This the World We Created, the melancholy was palpable and well placed.

Nostalgia washed over me as I thought about that summer. My thirteen year old self had just been abroad with our swim team, to Schweinfurt in Germany. We had driven along the fence lines that divided East and West Germany and, that too, had made me think about the privileges, inequities and bigger context of life.

In the microcosm of my world, the swim team, my best friends and my on-again/off-again boyfriend were the central themes of my life. My parents were away on our usual annual vacation when I returned from Germany, so I stayed with my grandparents for a while. I remember that time with fondness, and a tinge of sadness, as it turned out to be their last summer (both died the following year).

In a classic case of “you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone”, the dawn of my teens was, in many ways, idyllic and a time of huge change.

And so it is now for my children who are moving into that stage of life. Going into high school is an adjustment from the relatively sheltered and wholesome school years prior. With tales from the playground of physical fights, bathrooms claimed by vaping and bullying, not to mention disturbing rumors of coerced acts shared online without consequences, the whole experience has proven more aggressive than anticipated.

No parent wants this experience for our kids. In fact, despite the almost four decades that have passed and my own experience having taken place on the opposite side of the world, not a lot has changed in that regard. The exception to this being, of course, technology and social media.

The microcosm of their world isn’t that different either, with life revolving around friends and romantic interests. But the wider world and its inequities are starting to enter the picture. And I am haunted by the chorus Freddie Mercury and Brian May sang at Live Aid:

Is this the world we created?
What did we do it for?
Is this the world we invaded
Against the law?
So it seems in the end
Is this what we’re all living for today?
The world that we created

How can so much yet so little have changed in four decades? We live in a world whose core systems and structures are still deeply flawed and bias. Schools have the same systemic issues, court systems remain oblivious to trauma (unless it’s blatant physical or sexual abuse), politics is a shambles, medical practitioners have become more squeezed in their ability to provide common sense health care, and the mentality now is simply to match a pharmaceutical solution to any ailment.

And with the introduction of social technology en mass, our collective attention seems far too entranced by the readily dispensed dopamine hits that deliver yet another way for us all to tap out of being present to and addressing these systemic issues. Just as our teens are becoming aware of the privileges, inequities and bigger context of life, we seem to be providing more ways to ignore it all.

Where is all this going to get us in another four decades?

About eight years ago, with a young family at home, I had a magical evening that took me back to that time in my teenage years once again. When Queen toured with Adam Lambert in 2014, playing at Auckland’s Vector Arena, I was drank in every second of the sounds, atmosphere and energy.

It was in fact the first time Queen had played in New Zealand since 1985, the same year as Live Aid. Although not a huge fan of reality TV, I had somehow come across the eighth season of American Idol back in 2009. Adam Lambert was the sole reason I kept watching, his vocal range and song interpretations were nothing short of exciting to listen to. Performing with Queen, Adam didn’t try to be Freddie, no one could be Freddie Mercury, but he was uniquely Adam, and played homage to Freddie in a way I think so few ever could.

I think this is the key to change on a mass scale. It starts with each and every one of us being uniquely us. That time in my life was also a turning point, it marked the end of my corporate life where I had tried to be everything to everyone, where I had come to realise that real change and transformation comes from within. It was the beginning of the journey to me.

I realised I might not be able to make change en mass, but I could be the best – and most authentic version – of me and I could hold the space in which my children could also be their authentic selves. I’ve discovered that many of the dysfunctional patterns I see in our world reflect the collective dysfunctional patterns within each of us, so through introspection and practice the things that are holding us back (and therefore hold our world back) can slowly be set free.

The bad habits we have, the unhelpful patterns we repeat in relationships, our “not enough” or “too much”, our pain and guilt, our anger and frustration, all of it can be eased, stood down. Instead of building more walls it’s time to take them down, just as the Berlin wall came down four years after I saw it’s extended border, there are walls within us that were built to keep us safe once upon an time but no longer serve us.

Just as Freddie Mercury's performance at Live Aid and my own teenage experiences offered profound insights, each of us has a past that holds valuable lessons. In a world where systemic issues often mask our true selves, embarking on a journey of introspection to dismantle the inner walls that hinder our growth can be invaluable. Real change begins within. By addressing what holds us back, we contribute to collective transformation.

What significant personal and cultural events were happening when you were thirteen? How did those pivotal moments shape you? Are there unhelpful patterns and behaviors you still see repeating in your life? Ask yourself about recurring themes in your relationships, your responses to stress, and steps to foster authenticity. Embrace introspection and let it guide you toward a more authentic life, breaking down inner walls just as the Berlin Wall fell, to shape a better world for future generations.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Normal Is Dysfunctional That Is the Growth Opportunity, How Can I Create a Better World?, Who were you at 22…what advice would you give your younger self?, Leaders Who Walk the Talk and Are Interested in People and Self Empowerment and Navigating Life's Balancing Act Authentically with Pink and Intuition. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

Although I had done a lot of personal growth work in my earlier career, when I left the corporate world ten years ago I determined to figure out who the real me is. I’ve read a lot of books, attended some courses, taught myself a lot of techniques and taken advantage of every free master class that resonated.

That said, it’s been a time in my life where my focus has been primarily based on raising mentally, emotionally and physically healthy kids, so neither time nor money for personal growth were in ready supply.

Despite these challenges, I remained resolute in confronting unhelpful patterns of thought and behaviour, determined to uncover my true values, needs, and desires, free from external influences. I wanted to know who the real Shona Keachie at my authentic core is.

I have taken lessons from my past and, as I read this week, know there's a reason for every path we walk. Every choice, every encounter, every triumph, every defeat, every love, every loss, has a purpose. Whether it's to build strength, to inspire change, to encourage forgiveness, or to facilitate growth, it marks a stepping stone on our path of self-discovery and every turn we take is valuable in its own unique way.

Recently, I have been reflecting on the transition from one life chapter to another, recognizing this as an opportunity for a significant energy shift. Sometimes in life, though, it can be extremely difficult to tell where exactly I’m going. It’s hard to see the forest for the trees, finding my own path can be a little difficult. And I need follow my own path, of that I am certain.

To build momentum and navigate my path forward, I acknowledge the need for guidance and support from others. I have some great friends around me with similar interests and values, but I also know that reaching out for help at a time of need is nothing to feel ashamed of. It’s been quite some time since I last had a mentor, and right now I can use someone who is further along the path than me in living their passion.

I understand I need a little help to evaluate my current situation and, while I probably have all the resources and capabilities within me to turn my dreams into reality, I could use a guide to provide insight. Then, after reading one of Santa Montefiore’s novels in which she wrote “Max reached out to the higher power he knew was with him on every step of his path and put out a simple request, one which, oddly, he had never asked before: Help me”, I put out my own request.

Within a week, an opportunity arose to engage with someone whose work I have long admired, someone I never thought to approach individually As I questioned making this investment in myself, I realised that this is one of the few people I admire and would trust to hold this space for me.

So I responded outlining my situation to sense check that this would be a good match and, within hours, I received a response that absolutely floored me with its razor sharp insight, articulating what I hadn’t been able to see quite so clearly from within the forest.

I immediately recognized the truth in their observation that my uncertainty about my path stemmed from previously poor boundaries with others and myself, especially because that harsh inner critic voice drove me to exhaustion, and my career was what covered/suppressed its root causes.

They noted my unresolved exhaustion trauma, stemming from past boundary challenges and connections with people, and observed that my core driver is internal struggle. Therefore my most toxic relationship is with that part of me, not other people, which is a survival response I no longer need, but haven’t yet felt safe to let go.

While being of service (in a way that invigorates me while helping others) is one of my top goals, I do spend a lot of time ruminating about things that aren’t serving my highest purpose. This can consume my mental energy. And when they asked me to list my most challenging emotions, from most intense to least intense, again I could see just how much anger (at myself for allowing those boundary infringements) still exhausts me and how little there is left for creating the career of my dreams and for parenting.

Having taken a somewhat anxious three and a half kilometer ride in a gondola dangling 330 metres above rainforest canopy last week while on holiday, it gave me a deeper appreciation for the value of having someone in my life who can not only see the bigger picture, but can help assuage my fears. Sometimes we just need help from someone more experienced.

Going after our highest ambitions, desires, and potential isn’t a solo effort. Listening to Sah D’Simone talk about his new book Spiritually, We he quoted a story about one of the Buddhists, a very developed disciple, that asked Buddha, “Hey, how important is friendship on the spiritual path?” And he replied, “Friendship is the path.” That really informed Sah’s book, how much our relationship with other people (and how we relate to others and how we engage with others) really informs the depth of our liberation.

So while I know a path will open up to me, one which gives me hope and excitement and the promise of something truly incredible waiting at the end of it, it’s not here just yet. First I need to clear my mental and emotional space, take care of myself, and regain my strength. Only then will I be ready to embark on the new path life has in store for me.

Investing in someone with passionate energy and enterprising resilience, who has alchemised their past struggles into their greatest strengths, will also certainly help inspire these qualities within me, and then I will be better able to determine the most effective course of action.

The final thing I read this week, which is related and really resonated, was “When you have planted a seed, it will take some time before it grows into a fruit-bearing tree. Earth is the slowest moving but most stable of the elements. They say that a watched pot never boils, and watched seed never seems to sprout”.

This isn’t the start of the next best thing, this is the start of a journey along the path of my next chapter in life, and expecting to see the journey ahead would be unrealistic. It’s simply time to take the next step I can see.

Seeking guidance is not a sign of weakness, but a testament to our commitment to self-improvement and authenticity. I encourage you, too, to reflect on your own journey. Are there areas where you could benefit from the insight of a mentor or the support of a friend? What steps can you take to clear your mental and emotional space, allowing yourself to grow and thrive? Remember, every path we walk has a purpose, and each step forward brings us closer to our true selves.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Finding Your Purpose – the Magic of Those Who Believe in You, From Lone Wolf to Team Player - Navigating the Symphony of Collaboration in Life, Believe In Yourself Even if You Feel No One Else Does and What Makes You Feel Uncomfortable and Is It a Growth Opportunity? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

Here is a post I wrote and feel honoured to have published on one of my favourite self growth platforms, Tiny Buddha. Discover my journey towards early assertiveness in conversations, sparked by a recent dilemma during my daughter's field trip planning. Overcoming past hesitations and fears, I learned to balance advocacy with relationship preservation. A poignant encounter with a struggling father reinforced the importance of self-regulation and assertiveness. Read how I navigated this path and why mastering assertive communication is crucial for personal growth and healthy relationships

Many years ago an old mentor of mine told me I had to create space in my life in order for something new to arise. Today, as I drew the Death card (I draw a tarot card each day, it’s fun, and I take what resonates from its meaning) that again reinforced that endings are a natural part of life, and that it is time to let go of what is no longer needed in order to create room for the new.

Last week I had been reflecting on the changing tides of parenting. After years and years of being present, observing, noticing, experiencing, and managing my children’s lives, they are now in a phase where it’s time to gradually let go so they can be more consciously present, observe, notice, experience and start to learn to manage more aspects of their own lives.

Additionally, the dynamics of split living and their father's preference for parallel parenting over co-parenting present their own set of opportunities and challenges. Despite the ongoing and time-consuming responsibilities in the coming years, including involvement in schools, healthcare, and other areas, the Death card reminds me to enjoy the new experiences that will emerge as the balance of responsibilities shifts from me to them, creating new space.

It begs the following questions, which come when any stage in life is coming to an end:

• Is it possible for me to be flexible enough to let go of what is dying away?
• Is it possible for me to be courageous enough to embrace the new without hesitation?
• What actions will I need to take in order to grieve appropriately for what has been lost?

Being on holiday without parental responsibilities (the children are on a separate trip with their dad) has given me that space to take a pause between chapters. The resort I’m staying in reminds me of one I stayed in with the children when they were much younger. As I watch families at the pool, it’s given me the time to reflect on that period of their childhood that was full of wonder but also – from a parenting perspective – rather intense.

As has happened often in the past, it’s another point at which I can look at my children through fresh eyes and see that they are more capable than ever before, giving me confidence that the changing tides are indeed ones on which something fresh and surprising can arrive.

In the last week I’ve consumed three novels, swam in one of the Seven Natural Wonder’s of the world, and spent a lot of time reflecting and relaxing in a beautiful place. At this time of the year Cairns is just the right temperature, with just the right amount of cloud coverage and, with great company to enjoy also, it’s been a beautiful retreat from the usual responsibilities of life.

And I suspect the things I’ve been drawn to hold clues as to the possibilities that can arrive on changing tides. Out at the Great Barrier Reef I again experienced this sense of connectedness with all of life, and the impact and ramifications of human consumption and ignorance. But, in equal measure, I saw life’s ability to regenerate and thrive, and the absolutely stunning results of that.

In a novel set in Auschwitz, written by Soraya Lane, I was deeply engrossed yet again in the ways in which people can rise to their potential in times of great trauma. This reinforced the message that the traumatic experiences I’ve had in my life are not in vain, they are a catalyst for something more, and something that can help others.

And in another novel by Tracey Rees, one of the characters (Jarvis) asks the other (Gwen) “I don’t know why you’re so shy when you’re so articulate. Do you ever try writing? Like books and stuff?” She is so astonished to be asked and yet he says “Seems like you fit the profile. You’re good with words and you clearly love stories. You’ve got an imagination, and you don’t look like the world holds much interest for you, no offence”.
Gwen is breathless, wondering if she really does fit the profile. “She loves books more than anything. She can never imagine herself being a go-getter, making money or selling houses o whatever normal people do…but in school her career’s advisor told her you can’t make money that way and you have to make a living…”

While I don’t see myself as a novelist, I’m more of a memoirist, I notice my affinity with her thoughts, and suspect that the things I have been drawn to are providing clues; clues that aren’t yet definitive answers or firm footholds, but are definite signposts of interest.

As this chapter of reflection draws to a close, I invite you to consider your own life: What endings are you facing, and how might you create space for something new? Are you flexible enough to let go of what no longer serves you and courageous enough to embrace the unknown? Reflect on the clues around you—they might just be pointing you toward a new and enriching chapter in your own story.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Take That First Brave Step Towards New Beginnings and Creative Energy, Even in Grief There Are lessons to Be Learned, Who Am I Now? and Take the Quantum Leap: Nurture Your Creativity and Intuition to Craft a Life of Purpose. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

As I write this, it’s Mother’s Day in New Zealand and yet my children and I are the furthest apart geographically we have ever been, on separate holidays. My kids are having a ball with their dad, and I’m having the first proper relaxing holiday I’ve had in many years.

Split living wasn’t something I ever envisaged, although it has its pros and cons like everything. In fact, I was just reflecting how I really didn’t envisage much at all and how many of my expectations about parenthood were really unconscious.

I always wanted to be a parent, and to do the best job I could, but beyond the “meeting someone, falling in love and having a family together” cliché, I hadn’t really put in huge amounts of thought to the specific role each parent would play in our children’s lives.

Despite growing up in an era where girls and boys were treated equally in many ways in the schooling system (we all did cooking classes and woodworking classes together, for example), there was the subtle yet powerful silent message that women stayed at home to look after the house and children, because – well – that is what the model was in the vast majority of households in 1970’s and 1980’s West of Scotland.

I grew up in a large extended family and many of my cousins were ten to fifteen years ahead of me, it felt that most years our family would attend at least one wedding and/or christening. Whether to have children was never really a question in my mind as I held each of my adorable little first cousins’ once removed.That unique fresh baby smell, the fragility and innocence and joy wrapped up in a bundle that needed so much attention was a beacon to move towards from a time before conscious memories or deliberation ever kicked in.

As I tussled with which direction to move in my career, wrangling at every turn as nothing felt like quite the right fit, there came a point among many questions, exercises and books that I drew out a map of my life. It was a long and winding road and I had been asked to make in moments and stages. I started at the end when I’d be a grandmother.

That one exercise demonstrates to me that my having children was never a question. The “meeting someone, falling in love and having a family” part seemed more problematic. Now I know why, which is a whole other story which I summed up recently in Devote Your Attention to Ways You Impact Others and How You’re Truly Treated, we are not always attracted to compatible or healthy relationships.

As I found myself on my third “live together” relationship, I again noticed how I was shouldering the vast majority of responsibilities in regard to running the house. With both of us working full time, I questioned why I was doing that but, suffice to say, didn’t do anything much about it.

Therefore, despite all that had been said beforehand in the rosy glow of shared dreams of having a family, I also found myself shouldering the vast majority of the responsibilities in regard to bringing up my children. This is no surprise really and I remember when a colleague was basking in her rosy glow, and was making her partner pre cooked meals for the days she was going away on a business trip, telling her that she was making herself a metaphorical bed she’d probably come to regret lying in once they had children.

The reality of having a baby is enormous. For a start, there is the sheer miracle of creation to start with. My children were pregnancies five and six, so when I finally sustained a pregnancy, that miracle felt very real as I watched a tiny human grow inside me.

Then there is the birthing process which – despite women having navigated since time immemorial – is nothing short of remarkable. For anyone who hasn’t actually seen a baby being born in their presence, it is worth a look at a photo of a wooden dilation chart showing a baby’s head (tip use those words as a prompt to search for one), and then look at an image of a human female’s pelvic bone to get a solid sense of the challenge.

All that was just to get to the starting line. Everyone told me how healthy breastfeeding is; no one told me that – at the outset – it would take up to ten hours of my day. Far less the wondrous world of “guess what baby is unhappy about”, which is the process of intimately getting to know whether our child is crying because it needs its nappy changed, needs fed, needs to sleep, is unwell or just needs comforted after its own rather traumatic ordeal of being born.

To imagine birth, think of being nestled comfortably in a relatively quiet and dark space then, all of a sudden feeling yourself thrust from that down through a narrow tube contracting and squeezing, with a diameter just fractionally wider than your head. It's a remarkable feat of flexibility and compression, not to mention quite a traumatic experience that unconsciously lives on in our bodies.

As our children grow and we become more attuned to their nature and needs, we notice patterns. When my teen daughter cries that I can’t possibly know how her body will respond to days of over exposure to social and screen time, together with a lack of sleep, I sigh inwardly. Years and years of being present, observing, noticing, experiencing, that is how mothers know.

And for all that we know, we have to gradually let go and let our children be present, observe, notice and experience their own body, their own thoughts and their own feelings. Along the way they too will be no doubt be attracted to incompatible or unhealthy situations and relationships in a bid to get to know themselves. Because it’s in the contrasts of life that we grow.

Not since infancy do we go through such rapid growth as in adolescence. As a mum navigating this time in my children’s lives, one of the hardest challenges isn’t letting go. In truth, letting go of the cumbersome impossibility of managing someone else’s life constantly is a relief. The hard part is not that, it’s that – in order not to expose our children to responsibilities they are not yet ready for – it has to be a gradual letting go.

Let me give another analogy to get a sense of this. If I’m driving and become aware I need to pee, but there’s no toilet for miles, I hold on. Then I see a road sign for the next rest break, I am counting down towards it. Then I run to the loo, barely able to hold on, and there’s a queue. Suddenly I’m wishing I’d prepared myself for this better, had somehow been able to let go gradually.

Letting go gradually is a unique mix of developmental stage and maturity, circumstances, and our own awareness of all these things and what they mean. And gradual isn’t like the steady running of a tap, it happens more in bursts or fits and starts.

Add in the mix that I’m not the only parent, like all children, ours are the manifestation of two sets of genetic material and life’s longing for itself. While I've always been deeply involved in managing our children's lives and have developed a certain approach based on my experiences and insights, his involvement now comes with its own unique style and preferences. This is another learning process which can also be challenging to navigate, especially given his preference for parallel parenting rather than co-parenting.

As I sit here on Mother’s Day, relishing my first day of a truly relaxing holiday, I can't help but reflect on the evolving phases of motherhood. Much like navigating through a series of twists and turns on a winding road, I find myself in a different phase now.

My ultimate goal remains: to nurture authentic, self-respecting humans who can thrive independently by the time they reach adulthood. However, now more than ever, the parenting journey feels like adjusting the flow of water from a tap. While the tap is still firmly on, I'm being challenged to find the right balance and flow to suit our current circumstances while keeping an eye on the long-term goal.

Perhaps as a parent you, too, have navigated twists and turns in your journey, discovering unexpected challenges and joys along the way. If you are not yet a parent, perhaps this will inspire you to do what I didn’t – and may have made my life a little easier – to get to know yourself, your needs, your expectations and your boundaries before becoming a parent. Either way, take a moment to consider how our experiences have shaped our understanding of parenthood and growth. Like the flow of water from a tap, may you find the right balance and rhythm to navigate the ever-changing currents of life.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Why Did I Not Know This About Parenthood?, Normal Is Dysfunctional That Is the Growth Opportunity, When Detours Define Your Destiny and Struggles Forge Your Strengths and Do We Need to Better Understand the Pivotal Role of Parenting to Evolve?. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

As I was driving home this morning, I noticed what a beautiful crisp autumnal morning it was. The sky was a clear blue, the trees were full of burnt orange leaves, alight in the morning sun and there was a low lying mist coming down from the mountains, laid on the foothills like a blanket.

For those in the northern hemisphere, in full spring, we are at very different places in our biorhythms for sure, with nights getting shorter instead of longer as they are here. Either way, seasonal change is upon us and, with it, an opportunity for reflection.

As I was driving back home from the mountains to my coastal town, I was listening to Dr. Jude Currivan being interviewed, Her words, along with the breathtaking views of nature I was seeing all around me, reminded me that despite the different experiences we are all having, everything is interconnected none the less.

While Dr. Currivan is a scientist - a cosmologist with a background in physics - and holds a Ph.D. in archaeology from the University of Reading, where she investigated ancient cosmologies – what I particularly love is that her work explores the intersection of science, consciousness and spirituality, emphasizing holistic approaches to understanding the universe.

Although much of my interest lies in the microcosm of human psychology, I always view it in relation to our part in the bigger whole. So I was particularly interested when the podcast delved into the topic of conscious evolution; this refers to the progression of self-awareness over time.

From single-celled organisms to complex human communities, each step signifies an increase in consciousness. This expansion of awareness extends from personal growth to collective, planetary, and universal levels. Just as individuals evolve through experiences and learning, so too does humanity and the universe as a whole.

So as I was driving along appreciating how seeming small acts of self awareness can make a huge difference in the world, I was also reflecting on the workshops I have been doing this week with Kate Northrop. Many of the wonderful concepts she talks about in relation to money were timely reminders for me of things I learned in my twenties from the likes of Alvin Hall and Robert Kiyosaki.

Back then I had begun to put many of the concepts - like offering more value rather than more time, and leveraging time and money to make passive income – into play, albeit I was still in an early phase of conscious learning. But between my move across continents to a country with a much smaller economy, and my focus on having and bringing up a family, I hadn’t thought about these principles in many years.

But Kate’s work is now based on something she only really learned the importance of in 2019, and wasn’t featured in any of the work I read or did thirty years ago either. And there’s certainly no spoiler in sharing that her belief that a relaxed nervous system is key to abundance, as she has discussed this concept in her books, talks, workshops, and interviews.

This is the same principle I’ve come to learn in my own work, and it has a universal application, it doesn’t just apply to money. But the beauty of Kate’s work is that this is where she goes deep with it and helps countless people break through their unconscious barriers in relation to this topic of finance specifically, so they are able to define and live the kind of life that is important to them.

It was interesting reflecting on my own path to purpose, which really has never been clear to me, other than my desire for a family and a knowing that I wanted to be of wider service to the world. Money was never a focus, but I was aware enough of it to know I didn’t want it to be an issue either.

I really only went to university because I had no better idea of what to do with my life at that point and, back in the 1980’s and early 90’s, the UK government was offering free education, along with grants for living expenses.  That was followed by postgraduate study in what is now called Human Resources, but I was still none the wiser about what I actually wanted to do as a career.

After a few years in the recruitment industry, I stumbled upon network marketing. In itself, it wasn’t for me, but it did lead to 7 years of personal development and growth on many fronts. As a consequence, I found myself drawn to customer experience roles. I was such a strong advocate for improving internal systems, processes, structures and cultures within organisations based on customer feedback that I won several awards, sat on various working groups, and many opportunities in that field opened up to me.

After emigrating, I continued working in that field, but it soon became evident that transformation was only possible in organisations when the top decision makers were able to see the value of it to the extent of driving it or getting behind it themselves.  Instead, in most organisations, customer experience transformation (which most substantively requires quite a bit in leadership training and development) is often seen as “nice to have” and transformation programmes are often cut in lieu of more short sighted goals.

When I exited that kind of work to bring up a family, I knew it wasn’t a field I wanted to return to at that corporate level because it requires such intrinsic change. However, what the intensity of bringing up children taught me, was that the desire and intellectual know-how alone don’t create intrinsic change.

Why? Because my own deep seated patterning kept tripping me up. As I’ve mentioned many times, for all sorts of reasons most of us end up with some really unhelpful belief patterns that get hardwired in there. Unseen, yet running the show: I’m not worthy, I don’t belong, I’m stupid, I’m too much, I’m not enough, I’m alone, I’m afraid… the list goes on.

These arise in childhood before our conscious memories; they are our ways of interpreting the world depending on many factors, including our earliest experiences and our natural personalities. We aren’t aware that these are then hard wired into our neurobiology, our nervous system, and so our sense of felt safety and “normal” are set in relation to these.

That means we may not always be attracted to compatible or healthy relationships – and that can include our relationship with money, health, sex, intimacy, people, fun, our confidence, and our connectedness with the world around us, among many other things.

So when I think back to a time a couple of decades ago where I created a “root cause” field in a new system we were installing to track customer issues, I think that in my enduring intrigue around the human psyche (and search for something meaningful to contribute) I was always looking for the root cause of dysfunction – the “why” behind a lack of success in many things despite desire, goal setting and right action.

And that is it. Listening to Dr. Jude Currivan discuss various big topics - including our interconnectedness with the cosmos, reframing the universe as a great thought rather than a great object, the significance of the laws of physics, the holographic nature of the cosmos, and the potential for conscious evolution - I can see the first steps are cultivating conscious awareness of our own dysfunction and sense of separateness.

As we navigate our individual paths, let's remember the profound interconnectedness of all things and the potential for conscious evolution within ourselves and the world around us. Whether it's in our relationship with money, our partnerships, our parenting, or any other aspect of our lives, let's embrace the journey of self-awareness and growth as a pathway back to unity, belonging, and to achieving our greatest potential in all things. What small step can you take today to foster greater awareness and connection in your life?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Embrace Your Evolution: Who Do You Want to Be this Time Next Year?, Embrace the Wonder of Your Senses Every Day to Embody Your Soul, How to Live in Conscious Self Awareness in the World, Trust That It’s Absolutely Okay to Not Know Where You’re Going and Normal Is Dysfunctional That Is the Growth Opportunity. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

“There’s a man out there who will tell you that she’s crazy, emotionally unstable, and aggressive. There’s also a man who will say he’s never felt more appreciated and respected, that she has created the safest space for him, and that being around her makes him feel nurtured, cared for, and at peace. Believe them both.

You get the woman you take care of, whatever you give her, she will reflect back to you. If you show up in confusion, gaslight her, or are hot and cold, of course she’ll seem like a lunatic. However, if you show up with clarity, know how to lead, and make this a safe space, you’ll see a totally different woman.”

I read this quote from Chris Perry this week, and it resonated with me on a couple of levels. Firstly, because I’ve been both those women and, secondly, because I now know that I get to choose how I show up, regardless of who I am with.

In our lives, we get to choose the people who are important to us. Unfortunately, because we don’t get to choose this so much as children and - and depending on the indoctrination we get around the role family plays in our life - it’s common to feel that there are certain people we are obligated to.

But there are always choices, sometimes extremely hard ones. Whether we feel duty bound by marriage, birth, children or other reasons, we do get to choose how close we let others get, and our reactions.

When Chris Perry says “whatever you give her, she will reflect back to you” I hear the truth in it, because life has shown me time and again, it will reflect back what I’m putting out and what I’m allowing.

In terms of relationships, for all sorts of reasons most of us end up with some really unhelpful belief patterns that seem hardwired in there. Unseen, yet running the show: I’m not worthy, I don’t belong, I’m stupid, I’m too much, I’m not enough, I’m alone, I’m afraid… the list goes on.

These arise in childhood before our conscious memories; they are our ways of interpreting the world depending on many factors, including our earliest experiences and our natural personalities. We aren’t aware that these are then hard wired into our neurobiology, and so our sense of felt safety and “normal” are set in relation to these.

That means we may not always be attracted to compatible or healthy relationships. With chemistry running the show, many people often find themselves entangled with another person who – if they really could look at them objectively – shares many traits with the parent, sibling or other key person from their childhood with whom there feels something outstanding.

It’s like a subconscious do-over, “if I can get this person (I’m attracted to) to love me, then at last I will feel complete and whole”.

I have gone through many of these kinds of relationships in my life, resulting in a prolonged crescendo of something that was very much like the first relationship Chris Perry describes. Remaining in that relationship out of the aforementioned sense of obligation, I found different ways to cope at different times. 

In the main, I was so busy in my role as a parent, and on eking time out for self care (despite the aggravation it caused), that I managed to simply miss or ignore a lot of behaviours that I should have addressed. Often I was too distracted to pick up on a lot of things that were really unhealthy. I didn’t actually step back to take a look at the picture properly. And I didn’t want to, because I prioritized being able to bring up my kids and knew that, if I looked too closely, things would have to change.

That decision was taken for me though, but by then I had done enough introspection and was far enough along the road as an observer in my life, to be able to take a really epic growth journey when moving on.

I realised this week just how far I’ve come when I’d been deliberating over whether to and how to respond to a tricky communication I’d received. This contained some matters that did need addressing, while also muddied with some spurious statements and old arguments. I decided to cover those with an acknowledgement that it’s clear we maintain differing perspectives on certain matters, which is to be expected given our unique viewpoints and experiences.

Brianna MacWilliam taught me a couple of years ago how to assess and heal my conflict style in relationships, to help stop a spiral before it begins. I am still in the phase of consciously applying what I learned; it hasn’t become my default yet, which is no surprise after a lifetime of reacting in other ways.

The rest of my response I kept neutral, sharing facts and observations, and this can be hard work because my wiring draws me towards wanting to get on the battlefield and “stand up for myself”. Whereas, in this situation I’ve learned that the most effective way to do that is by ensuring my communications are devoid of judgments and emotive language, while sticking to the key points I need to address.

Later that day I then drew a card (which I love doing each day as a way to connect with my intuition), it depicted a sword front and centre, with mountains and clouds below. On either side of the cross-guard hung two scales, equally balanced. The card, The Scales, is rich with imagery as the sword is adorned with a deep purple scarf wrapped once around the blade, as if caught flying in the wind from high in the east to low on the west, giving the effect of it wearing a sash. There is also a red thorny rose twisted around the hilt and blade.

This card shows up in a reading when there is some doubt over the right course of action, or to remind us that what we do now will have an effect in the future. I was in no doubt the card symbolized the thorny interaction I had been deliberating, and confirmed my intuition in terms of dealing with it in a balanced way. It was powerful symbolism, one that will stay with me, reminding me to draw on my experience from past battles and make wiser judgments to pave the way for harmony.

What has changed here is not, in Chris Perry’s terms, the way someone is with me. What has changed is the way I am in relationship to the people in my life. This is both in terms of how I treat people, and what I will accept from them.

What about you, are there recurring patterns in your interactions with others? What beliefs or past experiences might be influencing these patterns? How do you show up in your relationships, and what impact does this have on the dynamics? By exploring these questions with honesty and openness, we can uncover valuable insights that guide us towards deeper self-awareness and more fulfilling connections with those around us.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy What Do You Want From Your Relationships - Time to Take an Inventory?, How to Let Go of Your Attachment to Your Feelings, Expectations and Beliefs, Embrace Your Authentic Self, Shed the Toxic People in Your Life, Intention Is the Key to Transforming Your Life and Normal Is Dysfunctional That Is the Growth Opportunity. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

This week I was reminded of Sir Ken Robinson’s infamous TED talk he did back in 2006 called Do Schools Kill Creativity? There was a story he told he’d told about attending his son’s nativity play years before and, when the little boys who were playing the wise men were asked what gifts they had brought the baby Jesus, one said “gold”, another said “myrrh” and the third said “Frank sent this” instead of frankincense.

While they all chuckled, he noted that the four year old was of an age where he still took a chance and gave it a go even although he clearly didn’t comprehend the word. It was Sir Ken’s observation that – while not meaning to say that being wrong is the same thing as being creative – what we do know is that if we are not prepared to be wrong, we will never come up with anything original. And he contended that by the time most kids are adults, they have lost that capacity; they become frightened of being wrong.

He also noted that we run companies like this, stigmatizing mistakes, while running education systems where making mistakes are the worst thing we can do. The result being that we educate people out of their creative capacity. Prior to his death in 2020, after years as an educationalist, advising government and non profits, Sir Ken had been interviewed in 2019 and this remained his belief.

As I thought back on my own childhood, at home there was a strong sense of morality, where wrong deeds were punished. I do also remember many arguments between all members of the family on “who was right and who was wrong”.

And Sir Ken makes sense because being wrong in school meant more to me than just a poor academic record, it meant both overt and covert ridicule, wrath, punishment and a lot more besides. This goes a long way to explain a prevalent culture of fear about being wrong.

While there may be consensus on certain rights and wrongs among humans and interacting with our planet and species, this is often taken to the extreme with win-lose conversations happening daily in relationships, household, workplaces and in our wider community.

I was talking with someone close to me who runs a leadership development company, and one of their favourites is the Blanchard Conversational Capacity course that was inspired by and developed with Craig Weber and his book of the same name. In this sense conversational capacity is the ability to engage in constructive, learning-focused dialogue about difficult subjects, in challenging circumstances, and across tough boundaries.

While it’s seen as an essential competence for both personal and collective performance, we were having a good discussion about the challenges in implementing such important skills. As someone who is deeply interested in and studies overcoming developmental stress responses and trauma patterns, and applying those findings to my own life, I know firsthand how difficult it can be to go against your wiring.

I agree that when good skills are applied – even partially or intermittently - it can improve the quality of our conversations. But when conflict is perceived, even for those among us who did not suffer anything overtly and acutely traumatic growing up, this idea of it not being safe to be wrong is one widely hard-wired among us.

When our limbic system assesses and responds to perceived threats (because our nervous system is overloaded), our thinking brain shuts down as a protective mechanism to keep us safe. Depending on our unique experiences as we grew up, the degree of the threat perceived in “being wrong” could vary from a subconscious generalised anxiety to something more acute, particularly if there are other current stressors in our life.

The key to overcoming this is about learning how to remain present as an observer. And the key to this is some sort of regular contemplative or meditative practice that allows us to witness (rather than be completely identified with) our thoughts and feelings in real time, with curiosity. Practicing this on a daily basis is recommended.

What I’ve witnessed in myself over the years I’ve been practicing, are the many layers that are tied into this. There’s the perfectionist in me who wouldn’t dream of speaking up unless I knew I was right, and the pleaser in me that wants to appear interested in people and knowledgeable about their subject and has therefore learned about a lot of stuff, then there is the part of me that seeks approval tied in, as well as the part of me that would hate to come across with any kind of superiority, and the parent in me who wants to demonstrate it’s okay to be wrong…

It’s a long and winding road that led to the me that I am in my fifties, so patience is required in the unraveling. As things come up in my life, I realise constantly that I am a work in progress and – despite some really good work in recognizing and working on skills to create healthier patterns of thinking and behaviour- I am always recognising just how prevalent a lot of my old programming still is.

This week I was also reminded of some of the Gottman work on relationships and communication.  According to couples therapist Dr. John Gottman, the four behavioral predictors of divorce or break-up are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. Their destructive nature earned them the name The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in his work.

Rereading that reminded me again of the ways our earlier patterning affects our present behaviour. One of my personal ongoing challenges is with sarcasm. Hailing from the West of Scotland, it was a common way of expressing oneself, and it perhaps doesn’t help that my kids are currently watching reruns of Friends at the moment so I’m constantly in tears laughing at Chandler’s sarcastic humour.

But in terms of relationships, Gottman reminds us that using sarcasm is a common tool when someone is in a state of contempt, which can then make the other person feel ridiculed, because the aim of contempt is to make someone feel despised and worthless. Now I can honestly say that they vast majority of the time I use sarcasm, I am not doing so in a state of contempt. However, I have to be aware that if I’m using it to communicate with someone who happens to have a history of being on the received end of contempt, it can trigger all their old feelings of being ridiculed and treated poorly.

Gottman also highlights that criticising is different than offering a critique or voicing a complaint (which are about specific issues), it is an attack on a person’s character. Again, another common overhang from childhood – anyone remember at least one teacher ridiculing a pupil for their incompetence, attacking their character rather than the situation or their behaviour?

At best sarcasm is usually some form of pointing out a perceived error or wrong, whether self directed or not. And given the potential for entanglements in people feeling criticized or ridiculed it is probably best avoided. Through analysing the ways in which we commonly communicate, and observing our own triggers and patterns, we are then in a position to start practicing better skills.

In navigating the complexities of communication and personal growth, I think that self-awareness and empathy are our greatest tools. Reflecting on our past experiences, acknowledging our triggers, and actively practicing better communication skills can lead to richer, more fulfilling relationships and a deeper understanding of ourselves.

Let's challenge ourselves to embrace the discomfort of possibly being wrong, to “give it a go” and attempt to engage in constructive dialogue even in difficult circumstances, and to cultivate a culture of empathy and understanding in all aspects of our lives. By doing so, we not only honor our own journey of growth but also contribute to creating a more authentic, compassionate and connected world.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Mastering the Art of Inner Harmony: A Journey from Turmoil to Tranquility, Meditation 2.0 – The Road to Enlightenment?, Weave Words Like Wands - Confessions of a Sarcastic Perfectionist, What Makes You Feel Uncomfortable and Is It a Growth Opportunity? and Normal Is Dysfunctional That Is the Growth Opportunity. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

Lately I’ve become increasingly aware of thoughts in my head that just seem to be playing in a loop in the background; ruminating over my position on something deeply important to me. I know this has been a pattern for some time years and I started to get curious about the thoughts that had preceded these ones, at a time when this present issue didn’t exist.

There have inevitably been various forms of disparity with people who were in a position of influence in my life - previous bosses, colleagues, partners, friends and my parents. But I recognised that the prevalent narrative in my head goes beyond a healthy dialogue (and the thoughts that might lead up to that, or follow it) that takes place when people don’t agree.

I tend to jump forward in my head, predicting the varying interactions, emotional reactions, arguments and possible outcomes and playing over past conversations in an attempt to prepare for these by playing them out in my head, sometimes for months.

Then I came across an exercise I’d done a few years ago about my beliefs and – at the time – I’d written “Without approval (of those I care about) life is not worth living”. Wow, had I really believed that only a few short years ago?

I suspect that belief was an upgrade on a previous belief which would have sounded far more like “Without approval (from anyone influential) life is not worth living”. While the thoughts themselves are logical and helpful should I ever need to have these conversations, the constant replaying of them, adapting them, honing them, is far less healthy. It is a sign of hypervigilance that needs addressed because the circumstances don’t warrant that level of alertness and attention.

This points to old trauma and patterns of behaviour that would once have made sense, and supported my survival, but are now outdated. Ultimately about justifying my existence, my right to have my own opinion, needs, desires and so on. It’s as if I am unwittingly learning lines in a play that I might never act in, but by practicing so much I’m far more likely to attract and repeat these scenarios.

Something else I’d written in my journal around the same time popped out at me:

“The central tenet of my thoughts so far pertains to the arising of conscious awareness. Can people be regularly present with their inner thoughts and not experience the broader context of life? I would find that hard to believe. Regularly practicing meditation has brought me to that observation platform, firstly of my inner world and its self defeating programs as well as the capacity for change and transformation.

Secondly, it has brought me to the doorway of everything else unseen that lies beyond. Energy, metaphysical, spirit, god, name it what you will, within it a certain truth exists that opens the mind to an inescapable truth: I am the creator of my own reality, as are you.

It’s this idea, this knowing, I think that first has to reawaken. Once awake, once conscious of oneself and the oneness of all life, that is the point from which each person can start to look within at their own truths and guidance.

It seems to me though, that while the greatest and most truthful guidance lies within us, it is almost universally subverted by the fears we have each learned on our journey. As we reawaken to who we are, there is work to be done to recognise and heal the emotional signature of self limiting beliefs (the emotional signature arising from our earliest memories stored in our bodies and subconscious minds).”

It reminded me of an interview I’d listened to with Alexandra Roxo about her new book Dare to Feel, where she had come to similar conclusions. There are valid reasons why we sometimes guard our hearts. Yet when we keep them closed, we diminish our capacity to live life to its fullest. Alexandra Roxo has a gift for helping people "meet the difficult places" within us, to heal and open our hearts and "dare to feel" the emotions that were once too painful or overwhelming.

She recalls the great teacher Sally Kempton, talking about how we need to have meditated for quite a few years to have a certain amount of self-awareness and the ability to have a witness mindset at the same time.

This is where you have those moments where you’re witnessing, “Wow, I have fallen into the depths of shame. I’m [lying] on my bedroom floor crying right now. Wow, I’m very curious. I’m watching. I’m feeling.” And that’s not always possible to have that little bit of distance between us and our emotions. It takes a lot of practice.

Alexandra feels that it is the ability to hold some sort of a witness mindset and state based on some sort of a contemplative practice, which then allows us to actually stay with the feeling. When we are just starting out on the path, we don’t have that. So we probably shouldn’t really dive so deep into things, into our feelings, or into some of these human parts, on our own until we have established that level of awareness and ability.

So this was one of those moments where I’m witnessing “Wow, do I really think on some level that there’s a need to justifying my existence still with people who have an influence in my life?” For a start, I’ve done a lot of work on boundaries and juggling in my life in the last few years, in terms of who sits where at my VIP table.

So many of the disparities that occur are between me and people who I know care about me, and hold my best interests as equal to their own. Occasionally I have to spar with people for whom that is not that case, and I recognise more clearly now that some people really do not care about anything other than their own opinions and desires, regardless of the cost to others.

So I took my ruminating thoughts and looked at how it made me feel obsessively justifying myself like that – overwhelmed, unfocused, stressed, tired, pressured, annoyed, frustrated, provoked, let down disrespected, insignificant and anxious. And I looked at the kinds of feelings that would be counter to that – energetic, focused, excited, joyful, curious, empowered, trusting, peaceful, accepted, courageous, creative, valued, successful, inspired and proud.

Then I thought about the people and circumstances in my life that evoked those feelings and it evoked memories of the people who had believed in me in some way, who have supported me, championed me, taught me and helped me progress in life.

So now, as an antidote to the unhelpful, ruminating thoughts, when I consciously catch them, I’m taking the time to remember those others who believed in me, more than I believed in myself, and the feelings that invoked. And by – what feels like - some magical alchemy, this lifts the heavy feelings and I can breathe more easily and think more clearly from a healthy perspective.

This is often referred to as cognitive reframing or cognitive restructuring. By intentionally replacing negative or unhealthy narratives with more positive, empowering ones, we can gradually rewire our brain to default to healthier thought patterns. The goal isn't to ignore or suppress negative thoughts and emotions but rather to acknowledge them and actively choose more constructive ways of thinking and responding.

By examining our inner landscapes with compassion and curiosity, we can uncover hidden truths, release old wounds, and embrace the fullness of our being. Consider the beliefs, thought patterns, and emotions that shape your daily life. Are there any recurring themes or behaviours that might be rooted in past traumas or outdated beliefs? What steps can you take to cultivate greater self-awareness, emotional resilience, and inner peace?

Perhaps, like me, you've found solace in practices like meditation or insightful conversations with others. Or maybe you're just beginning to explore these avenues of self-discovery. Wherever you are on your journey, know that each messy moment offers an opportunity for growth and transformation. May we all dare to feel, dare to heal, and dare to live authentically, one mindful step at a time.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Who Do You Need to Become in Order to Realise Your Dreams? , What Resentment, Frustration and Pain Have to Do With Your Boundaries, Who Are You? Introduce the Remarkable Human Behind the Roles You Play , How to Attract People Who Love You the Way You Are: Accept and Approve of Yourself and How to Fulfil Your Long Desired Yearning for Belonging. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

In the midst of life's chaos, finding moments of stillness to connect with ourselves can be challenging. We live in a society that glorifies busyness, making it difficult to prioritize self-reflection and mindfulness. Yet, it's during these moments of quiet introspection that we can truly tap into our inner strength and wisdom, especially in times of stress or trauma.

Someone asked me this week whether I had a regular practice that really allows me to be completely present, something where my mind becomes an open channel and my muscles dissolve, so I can be in a state of being versus doing, which is an open and expansive state.

Often, achieving a state of inner peace through practices like meditation can seem elusive amid a myriad of daily responsibilities and societal pressures. The modern world bombards us with stimuli, leaving little room for quiet contemplation.

However, even brief moments of mindfulness can have a profound impact on our well-being. Taking just fifteen minutes to sit still and focus on the present moment—whether it's the rhythm of our breath or the ticking of a clock—can help us tune into our guiding voice and cultivate a sense of calm amidst the chaos.

But what happens when we find ourselves engulfed in the grip of stress or trauma? There are degrees of helpfulness I suspect, when practices that work well in the ordinary pressures of day to day life, may not be quite so helpful under times of prolonged stress or trauma.

Renowned somatic therapist and author Dr. Peter Levine offers invaluable insights into the profound connection between mind and body in his work on trauma healing. He emphasizes that even if we don't consciously remember traumatic events, our bodies often hold onto the residual effects, manifesting as tension, chronic symptoms, or fears. Just as de-stressing does, healing from trauma involves more than just addressing the psychological aspects; it requires reconnecting with our bodies.

I remember my chiropractor once said that, while my body might not be in an optimal state at all times, even if I just notice once in the day how tense my shoulders are and silently give them permission to “let go”, my body will be in better shape than it was.

Each “noticing” has a cumulative effect. Over time we create new neural pathways that support a more relaxed version of ourselves than we would otherwise be. When we are able to listen, observe and remain still for just a moment, we can comprehend things about ourselves and the world around us that we would otherwise have missed.

Listening to Dr Levine being interviewed about his latest book An Autobiography of Trauma: A Healing Journey, he was talking for the first time about his own traumatic events. He said we don’t need to go into the traumatic event/s themselves in order to heal the trauma blocking us in some way, but we do need to learn to resource ourselves in ways that are counter to the ways we are feeling from the trauma.

One example he gave was the powerlessness, overwhelm and terror he felt from the experience of being raped, and how those feelings would engulf him on occasion in situations that seemed unrelated. It has helped enormously to work through that trauma by resourcing himself with felt memories (the somatic experience) that counter the horrific experience, from times in his life where he had felt empowered, excited about life and full of vitality.

I was also listening to philosopher and writer Nate Klemp being interviewed this week about his new book Open in which he explores possible solutions to help us shift into a life of expansiveness, creativity and wonder.

Nate had been drawn to the topic after suffering from panic attacks and, after a period where he hadn’t been able to leave his house in months. He then had an opportunity to fly across the country to visit his wife’s parents. He knew if he didn’t go it would put his marriage in jeopardy, but he was scared stiff of taking that flight.

I related to this having experienced panic attacks back in my early twenties. For anyone who hasn’t experienced panic attacks, the physical symptoms are very real, it can feel like you are having a heart attack or a stroke, and are going to pass out.  Despite his fear, Nate took the trip. As he was about midway across the country, his pain and anxiety were at their peak. But there was nowhere to go. He couldn’t just step outside the plane, or go to the hospital for an ECG and get some help.

In that moment he sort of gave in, surrendering to come what may. What happened was that he moved through the episode into a state of expansiveness, oneness and release.

It was interesting, having been asked whether I had a regular practice that achieves this, I was relieved to hear Nate refer to same struggles and arrive at similar conclusions. These moments of complete oneness are born of regular practice, but they are not necessarily regular in themselves.
When we are going through stressful times in our lives, or prolonged stress or traumatic events, it’s particularly beneficial to learn how to be with ourselves and our mind.

Writer Belinda Alexandra reflects on how a traumatic experience and the subsequent legal proceedings led to her developing complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD). Feeling trapped in a nightmarish existence, she sought solace in flamenco dancing, which demanded total immersion of both body and soul.

She describes flamenco as a dance that requires genuine expression from deep within, embodying pride and resilience. Through her flamenco lessons, Belinda realized that adopting the posture and mindset of a confident dancer was incompatible with her feelings of victimhood. She found that conditioning the mind and body through confident poses and rhythmic music over time had a transformative effect on her emotions and reactions. Each stomp of her flamenco shoes became a defiant act against the powerlessness that had consumed her, forcing her to be fully present in the moment.

While Flamenco got her moving forward in life it was meditation that was the path out of her CPTSD. Belinda discovered her claim that she couldn’t meditate was a bit like saying she can’t speak French, or can’t crochet. Of course we can’t if we haven’t learned or practiced those skills. For her it was Dr Joe Dispenza’s meditations, which involve a vigorous type of breath work and deep concentration, that proved to not only increase her productivity, but calmed the hyper vigilance and triggers caused by trauma, and mild anxiety she’d experienced since childhood. She said “To have a peaceful, calm and observant mind for the first time was a revelation. The sense of connection with myself, and life and also something greater was so profound I would not have swapped it for anything in exchange”.

Sometimes sitting still for fifteen minutes to meditate and focus on something in the present moment – whether my breath or the ticking of a clock – is enough to keep my focus on the now and put me in touch with that guiding voice. Sometimes it isn’t.

While practices like meditation and flamenco dancing offer valuable tools for navigating stress and trauma, they are not a one-size-fits-all solution. Each individual's journey towards healing is unique, and it's essential to find practices that resonate with our own experiences and needs. For some, meditation may feel inaccessible or ineffective, but alternative approaches like breath work or visualization exercises may offer similar benefits. The key is to experiment with different techniques and find what works best for you.

I’m grateful for the frequent reminders in my life to cultivate presence, because – well – life can be busy. And at times it can be stressful, I have known burn out and I know what it is to suffer from post traumatic symptoms. But ahead there is a path I can carve that is one made from my authentic core, one  not made from the stress and reliving of old trauma, but built upon the healing of it, the moving past it.

What about you? We tell ourselves all sorts of things about what it means to fit in, to be part of society or to be accepted. Most of these narratives are planted in our subconscious and have roots in our youngest years and ancestry. In times of stress or trauma, it's natural to feel overwhelmed or disconnected from ourselves, but it's also an opportunity to lean into practices that help us reconnect with our inner wisdom and resilience.

As we navigate life's challenges, let us remember that healing is not a linear process. It's okay to stumble along the way, to feel lost or unsure of our next steps. What matters is that we continue to show up for ourselves, to cultivate compassion and self-awareness, and to seek out the support and resources we need to thrive. In the words of poet Rumi, "The wound is the place where the Light enters you." May we find solace in the depths of our own healing journey, knowing that even in our darkest moments, there is always the possibility of transformation and renewal.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Overwhelm? Worry? Lack of Confidence? Parts Work and Its Importance to Your Growth, Presence Your True Needs, Talents and Desires to Step Into the State of Fullness, A Useful Hack to Gain Clarity From the Things That Capture Your Attention and It’s Time to Get Savvy With That Thing Called Love. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

When I read something that really resonates with me, I have a journal that I capture that sentence or paragraph in. These words help me to understand parts of myself or my life in ways I haven’t been able to, they capture the essence of what I have also experienced or believe to be true. Some books I can consume and write nothing, even although I enjoy them, but reading Belinda Alexandra’s memoirs have resulted in many more journal entries than I’ve written in quite a while.

Belinda is one of my favorite novelists, and her latest book delves into the aftermath of a traumatic event that deeply impacted her life. It is interwoven with the stories of her family and ancestors that have inspired and Emboldened her.

Reading about Belinda's recovery process, I couldn't help but notice parallels with my own experiences.

When I wrote Who Are You Protecting? Why Telling Your Story Is Powerful I explored the reluctance many of us feel to share our experiences, even though doing so can be profoundly liberating. We often fail to realise that those around us may be enduring similar struggles in silence. Yet, it's these very patterns of secrecy and shame that perpetuate societal issues, underscoring the importance of bringing our stories into the light.

In that post, I shared how seemingly ordinary childhood experiences left me hyper-attuned to others, overly sensitive to criticism, and a perfectionist, especially in times of stress. While adaptive in some contexts, these traits proved detrimental to my relationships. Becoming a parent made it clear I needed to address certain aspects of myself, particularly my lack of healthy boundaries.

However, it wasn't until I weathered an unexpected separation and the accompanying trauma a few years ago that I truly began to grasp the lessons I needed to learn. Dealing with the legal system to reach agreements was an experience I wouldn't wish upon anyone. While legal advice is essential, I highly recommend mediation with neutral third parties whenever possible. My sense of justice and fairness was severely tested during this time as I received correspondence upon correspondence that appeared completely lacking in acknowledging my rights far less my opinions.

One of my favorite insights from Belinda's book is when she describes how, out of her traumatic situation, she became her own best and truest friend for life. "No one will stand up for me better than me," she writes. "The only person guaranteed to be in my life forever is me." This resonated deeply with me. Loved ones may come and go, and professionals may have their own agendas, but the only constant in my life is me. No one can represent me like I can, now that I know myself better.

Getting to know myself took time, energy and the willingness to keep learning. It requires being an observer in my own head, heart and body. As Belinda astutely observes, few are willing to undertake this introspective journey, preferring instead to distract themselves from confronting who they truly are – “as if they are afraid of what they might find”.

That is no wonder really, since we rejected parts of ourselves unconsciously as kids because they didn’t “fit in” to the family dynamic. Thus we have an unexplored but lurking fear that those parts of us are in some way dangerous to our survival. Yet, it's precisely in these moments of self-confrontation that we uncover our authenticity. As Belinda aptly puts it, "the more grounded I feel within myself, the less vulnerable I feel with others."

Among the most common insidious subconscious thought patterns among us humans are "I'm not worthy" and "I'm not good enough." These thoughts hinder us when dealing with people who lack empathy and compassion, and have an attitude of grandiosity or self-entitlement. I had to learn to back myself, understanding that I can't always rely on others to approve of what I do.

Somewhere in my mind I had thought that all people would be fair when confronted with rational and reasonable explanations, because that is how life was for me growing up. While I might not have been instantly seen or heard, if I really wanted something I presented an argument and was often acknowledged. Yet life has taught me since that many more people than I would have guessed are literally out for themselves regardless of the cost to others. Some feed on the explanations I was so used to needing to present.

As Belinda shared insights gleaned from her research for one of her novels, she suggests that life’s setbacks often harbor the very lessons we need to fulfill our ultimate purpose. While I wouldn’t wish traumatic experiences upon anyone, I've found solace in the opportunities they open for self-discovery and growth, and developing resilience and confidence in the face of adversity.

When Belinda talked about "people who – due to their own perverse and disordered psychology – delight in seeing us fail," I had my own experiences to draw upon. Learning to back myself, and recognising situations and people that are unhealthy, were important lessons to learn.

I encourage you to share your story with someone you trust, embracing vulnerability and authenticity. Reflect on moments of adversity or trauma that have shaped your journey. Consider how these experiences have impacted your relationship with yourself and others. Are there aspects of yourself you've hesitated to confront? By embracing self-awareness and compassion, it not only fosters personal growth and resilience, but it also paves the way for future generations to be more authentic.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Overwhelm? Worry? Lack of Confidence? Parts Work and Its Importance to Your Growth, Presence Your True Needs, Talents and Desires to Step Into the State of Fullness, A Useful Hack to Gain Clarity From the Things That Capture Your Attention and It’s Time to Get Savvy With That Thing Called Love. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I drew a picture of how I’d been experiencing life recently, this wasn’t something I pictured and then drew, I just let it evolve as I chose each of the coloured pencils I wanted to use one at a time. What emerged was this tiny constricted version of my mind self surrounded by a little dark vortex with lots of sharp instruments and lightning bolts aimed at penetrating the vortex. This was in the top left corner of the page.

In the top right corner there was a bright sun with light rays shining all across the page, though they were unable to penetrate the little vortex. In the foreground of the picture there was a larger than life lady emerging from the Earth, from the sea and land, surrounded with trees and life. She had her arms outstretched to embrace it.

I knew immediately that what I was drawing depicted the limited and constricted life I lead when I’m in my head too much. It’s a very visual and visceral way for me to capture how much is “out there”, just under my nose, to be embraced and enjoyed when I can be more present to my life.

It was when I was walking along the beach recently that I realised how much I was living in my head at that moment. I caught myself playing through a conversation I predicted having in the future, ruminating on the likely twists and turns and all my possible reactions and responses.

If this were a scenario happening next week that would perhaps be more understandable, but this is something that may never take place – though I understand that by ruminating upon it I’m making it far more likely to occur.

“Once you let your past decide how you experience the present, you have destroyed your future” - Sadhguru

It is true that those various sharp weapons and lightning bolts depict real events and people who have perpetrated some insidious expectations and behaviours upon me in the past. It is completely understandable when I look at my past why I developed various coping mechanisms that perhaps don’t serve me well in the present.

Nevertheless, the aspect that wanted to be seen when I drew my picture is the aspect of me that anticipates – and therefore perpetuates - boundary violations.

Andie MacDowell’s performance in a recent movie I watched was of a woman holding her boundaries artfully, gracefully and assertively, it was wonderful to witness. In Tara Road, based on the Maeve Binchy novel of the same name, Andie MacDowell plays Marilyn Vine, a grieving American mother who does a house swap with Irish mother Ria Lynch. Ria’s husband of many years – a high flying property manager called Danny Lynch - betrayed her and left her for a younger woman who was pregnant with his baby.

As the movie progresses a number of Ria’s so-called friends and neighbours try to encroach on Marilyn’s (Andie MacDowell’s) space by turning up at the house unannounced and trying to barge their way in.

The epitome of Andie MacDowell’s graceful maneuvering was when Ria’s ex - who still had a key for the house and just let himself in while this American, who is a stranger to him, is house sitting – tries to take Ria’s car keys and paperwork for the house. As the movie had progressed, it had become evident what a self centered scum bag Danny Lynch really was.  So my admiration for Andie’s character Marilyn was at its height when - despite Danny standing right in her personal space in the kitchen of the house – she gently holds her ground and skillfully asserts both her own boundaries and some on behalf of Ria also. 

Given my own history with those in my life who had no regard for my boundaries – not that I knew I even had any, or that there was such a thing until recent years – I found this performance exquisite role-modeling of how to assert them. This is something I’m learning to do, and could only aspire to the elegance with which they were demonstrated in Tara Road.

Despite having moved on physically from the people and circumstances that put me in that position all the time, while I’m ruminating about future interactions my mind is still trapped in the past, anticipating future dangers, which is stopping me fully embracing the present.

Yet, the truth is, there is no real danger here other than that which I create in my head. I have done a lot of inner work, learned and am applying new communication skills (though not as artfully or gracefully as Andie MacDowell’s character yet) and simply wouldn’t let such self-centered people into my life again.

My future is down to me, and it relies on me fully embracing my present.

As I navigate the tendency to anticipate and perpetuate boundary violations, I am reminded that true liberation lies in embracing the present moment fully. To do that, I have to keep applying the basic principles I learned and shared many years ago on a video on my website, and continue to apply in my life:

• The first is to practice becoming the observer of my mind, which is something I’ve been able to do far more easily after years of meditation practice;
• The second is to take an active role in how I’m feeling, rather than letting circumstances or people dictate my mood. This is built upon the first principle, and often requires different approaches depending on who the people and what the circumstances are;
• The third principle is to embrace change. Impermanence or transience are states of life here on Earth. Nothing remains the same, and when we learn or achieve one thing, another appears to keep us moving forwards.

Drawing inspiration from the graceful boundary-setting portrayed in the film "Tara Road," I am also reminded of the importance of asserting myself with dignity and grace. It is a lesson I continue to learn and integrate into my own journey of self-discovery and growth.

And as I reflect on the journey, depicted in my recent drawing and the insights gained from it, I am reminded of the intricate dance between past experiences, present challenges, and future aspirations. The imagery of the constricted mind surrounded by a vortex of past traumas, contrasted with the radiant sun and embracing figure of possibility, speaks volumes about the complexity of human existence.

What about you? As we continue to walk this path of self-discovery and empowerment, I invite you to join me in embracing the richness of the present moment and the boundless possibilities it holds. Together, let us cultivate a future rooted in mindfulness, resilience, and unshakeable self-belief.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy What Resentment, Frustration and Pain Have to Do With Your Boundaries, Presence Your True Needs, Talents and Desires to Step Into the State of Fullness, Take the Quantum Leap: Nurture Your Creativity and Intuition to Craft a Life of Purpose,  and Give Yourself the Gift of Presence to Relieve the Torture of Stress. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

I was watching Pink: All I Know So Far, a documentary film following the American singer-songwriter on her Beautiful Trauma World Tour in 2018-2019. While playing 156 shows in eighteen countries, her husband and young kids traveled with her. I was deeply moved as it reminded me of the time when my own kids were little and the relentless impossibility of trying to be fully present in the various roles as a mother, partner, and career and whatever else was needed of me.

As I watched her grueling training schedule and dedication to making her shows worthy of the money and effort people had put in to be there, I also watched her try to be present for both her kids, one of whom demanded so much more attention being both the younger and more extrovert child. There was something about her manner that reminded me of the times in my life that I’ve spun the plates and been there in a way that looks like I’m there, but really I think my essence had taken off into the stratosphere somewhere.

I particularly remember when my own kids were young, and life was really intense on a day-to-day basis. There was a time - when their undiagnosed dyslexic tendencies created so much strain on their little brains and levels of concentration at kindergarten and school - that every day I was dealing with at least one major meltdown from one of them.

Right amid that time, my mum (who lived on the other side of the world) was diagnosed with cancer. A family member who lived locally agreed to look after the kids for five days while I flew 12,000 miles and back to be with my mum in her last days. There wasn’t much sleep to be had in that five days and, less than a month later, I was flying back with my family to attend her funeral and catch up with the family my children didn’t really know. It was beyond exhausting.

As I watched Pink balance being a performer with her role as a mother, wife, and boss, it took me right back to that time when I felt like nothing more than a performing shell of a person who was running on empty. In the years since, I have dealt with - and overcome - chronic health issues, a gnarly separation and, like everyone else, the challenges and restrictions of the global pandemic.

So when someone asked me recently how my plans were progressing for relaunching my career, I gently reminded them that I’m 52, still parenting adolescent kids, getting over a recent house move that came at me sidewards, and – honestly - I’m pretty knackered right now. Not the kind of tiredness that a good sleep will fix. Exhausted with the rigors of life.

When I went to see my healthcare practitioner recently, I had been expecting – among oter things – to pick up a remedy for the kids. She said “Sorry I haven’t got to that. Every time I went to do it, something in me just said no”.

Now there’s a voice I trust, the voice of intuition. That same voice says no to me every time I think about building my client base. I check in with myself that I’m not just scared or stuck in a rut, but that isn’t it at all. It could just be timing, it could be something else, I’m open to the possibilities.

I’m a firm believer that when things are right they line up easily. Often it just takes saying yes to one thing and, from there, other things snowball. A friend of mine, who trained in trauma therapy a number of years ago now, has recently taken just a step. She said yes to a room in a clinic where one of her daughter’s was being treated, and from there lots of other opportunities have lined up with ease pretty quickly.

She didn’t take years to say yes to something because she was scared. The fact is, she was busy parenting and surviving, other things needed tended to first, including some of her own inner work. I can relate to being at that point. And I think that is okay.

At my age my parents had worked their career, raised their family and retired early. In my case I had my career, tried to have a family for years, finally had my kids later in life and still have a good few years of active parenting ahead.

At 52, I'm not rushing to meet societal expectations of retirement. Instead, I see the years in front as an opportunity to step into a role that authentically serves others and brings me joy. It's about embracing the "years of me," where I can live life on my terms and make a meaningful impact in a way that feels right for me.

I've come to realize that life isn't just about surviving; it's about finding what truly fills us with passion and joy. It's about honoring our intuition, trusting that when things align, they do so effortlessly. Just as my friend found unexpected opportunities by saying yes to one small step, I believe that by staying true to ourselves and our passions, we can pave the way for a fulfilling future.

As I reflect on Pink's journey and my own experiences, I'm reminded of the importance of listening to our intuition amidst life's chaos. This inner voice, the same one that guided my healthcare practitioner's decision and speaks to me about my career, isn't born out of fear or complacency—it's an innate knowing that some things require patience, alignment, and inner work before fully stepping into them.

So, to anyone else feeling the pull of intuition nudging them towards a path less traveled, I encourage you to trust it. Take a moment to pause, breathe, and listen to that inner voice guiding you towards a life filled with purpose and fulfillment. Because in the end, life isn't meant to be spent merely working and surviving—it's meant to be lived, fully and authentically.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Take the Quantum Leap: Nurture Your Creativity and Intuition to Craft a Life of Purpose, Where Talent Meets Passion: Cherish Your Life as a Career?, How to Use Your Intuition With Confidence in Business and in Life and Leverage the Astonishing Power of Intuition, Flow and Kindness. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

"Strength does not come from the body. It comes from the will." - Mahatma Gandhi

All my life I wondered what I was here for. The question of “what is the purpose of life?” was on my mind from a young age and, at every turn, the answer eluded me.

As a young teen training and competing in swimming events regularly, I thought the road to the Olympics was perhaps the path I was destined to pursue. But when I was told I had narrowly missed being chosen for the national squad one year, and if I could improve my time for the 100m breaststroke I’d be in with a chance, I seriously considered whether this was indeed my path.

After a few months I decided it wasn’t. I'm definitely more motivated around others, there’s a kind of effervescence I feel when there is that synergy between like-minded and like-hearted people. Younger me loved swimming because I was part of a great team with a great coach. And when certain people left and the team dynamic changed, my heart was no longer in it.

Then as I was approaching the end of my schooling and had to decide what to do next, I took the path of least resistance and went to university because – still unsure of my next move - it was the pragmatic choice. Some subjects I didn’t enjoy (advanced maths and statistics being good examples) and was really bad at, and others were a breeze and I liked them (like psychology and business studies).

Still not really knowing what I wanted to do, I went for one last study option and pursued a postgraduate diploma in human resource management. From there I fell into jobs in recruitment and then finally customer services – well, customer complaints. There I found a niche championing improvements based on customer feedback, which was what led me to the field of customer service transformation, specializing in the intricacies of people and culture.

Although the puzzle pieces of my professional journey were beginning to make more sense, I knew it wasn’t quite the right fit. Wherever my road was leading was still very unclear to me, it sat like a shadowy enigma in the background of my mind.

And, as much as I couldn’t see my career path, I couldn’t see myself either. Decades spent attempting to meet others’ expectations and striving for perfection left me frustrated, I was yearning for more clarity about my true identity.

But most importantly, at that point in my life there was one thing I was very clear on - and one purpose I had always known I wanted to fulfill – to be a mum. Younger me had envisaged that very clearly, I would meet someone, fall in love and we would have kids, happily ever after… well, not quite.

To make a long story short, heartbreak, feelings of unworthiness, and a series of tumultuous relationships dulled that once vivid dreams. Multiple miscarriages became poignant chapters in my journey, leading to the birth of my children at the age of forty.

Motherhood was a cracking open of the soul. My children are as different from each other as their parents are, yet a mix of us both; and both were demanding in their own ways. No longer was it possible to be superwoman and please everyone all of the time. Life put me under immense pressure at home and at work.

As being a parent was the one thing I was clear about, it took center stage and the complexities of nurturing two individual beings in their growth became the focal point. While my commitment to allowing my children to be true to themselves was unwavering, the journey also drove me to some dark places. Coming face to face with those moments when you realise you sound or act just like your parents, in ways that you do not want to, reverberated in unexpected ways. It challenged me to confront unhelpful patterns and undergo a pretty intense motherhood boot camp

Over the last decade I’ve learned extensively about trauma patterns, secure attachment and attunement, child development stages, toxic relationships, conflict management and wrangled with parts of myself until I came out of the wash clear enough to see. I emerged stronger, wiser and with something entirely new: boundaries.

All that and I was still unclear about my purpose in terms of what service I might be to the wider world in this life. I started to take on some life coaching clients, which felt good but not entirely on point. Than one day, as if orchestrated by the universe, a moment of clarity dawned.

Reading a description of a card depicting a compass, the words resonated deep within: "You are a Pathfinder guiding others on their journeys... Having followed your own path, you have evolved to embrace your gifts, establish your passions and desire to use them for the collective good..." Fifty-two years into my journey, the realisation struck – the struggle to see my path was, in fact, the path. The very challenges and uncertainties that seemed like detours were the transformative forces shaping me into a Pathfinder. Helping myself had became the cornerstone of being able to help others.

As I embraced this idea of being a Pathfinder, I totally resonated with a commitment to leading others on a quest for their truth and authenticity, illuminating obscured aspects of their situations or relationships. It was a revelation that spoke to the very core of my being, a purpose that had been veiled until that moment of clarity.

Yet, while I appreciate the independence of managing my workload and working one-on-one with clients, the synergy that arises from a great team is truly majestic. I find it puzzling when healthcare practitioners avoid discussing clients with each other for confidentiality reasons; I believe collaboration (with consent) could lead to a more holistic understanding and faster resolution of issues. Moving forward, I hold a vision of collaborating with like-minded and like-hearted individuals to achieve this kind of holistic approach through teamwork.

As I reflect on the myriad struggles life presented, I am reminded of a recent experience at a group Family Constellations session I attended. I witnessed an older lady - who had been abused by her father from the time she was a baby – take back her power and see herself clearly for the first time. Despite the harrowing experiences, she recognised her survival and the strength that had blossomed in the aftermath of her struggles.

While no one wishes such traumatic struggles upon anyone, it is a testament to human resilience. We have a remarkable capacity not only to endure but to transcend, rising above the challenges that life throws our way.

This journey of self-discovery has illuminated for me the strength that arises from navigating life's struggles. Reflecting on our individual paths, let us recognize that our ability to transform challenges into strengths is a testament to our resilience. Together, we can navigate the intricate paths of life, supporting one another on our quests for truth, authenticity, and personal growth.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy From the Roots of Anger to the Blossoming of Healthy Boundaries, Embrace Your Real Self, Weave Words Like Wands - Confessions of a Sarcastic Perfectionist, An Open Letter to an Old Friend, Looking Back to See the Clues to Your Destiny and The Quiet Whisperings of Truth That Inspire Our Life. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

I was listening to a class this week with Evette Rose about navigating anger on the path of life. She was talking about the physical processes that happen within our bodies when we become angry, and how our body has learned that feeling as a way of keeping us “safe” when it perceives danger.

Sometimes – maybe often, depending on the level of trauma in our past - the perceived danger is triggered not by our actual circumstances, but rather by an ingrained neurobiology from a time in our young lives when our best course of action was to get angry and lash out or to suppress the anger inwards on ourselves. In essence we get stuck in immature and unhealthy ways of dealing with things.

Then, listening to a Teal Swan meditation on Healthy Boundaries, I was asked to look back over my life, to reflect on the times that I didn’t feel good about myself: the times I felt stupid or wrong, guilty or angry with myself, the times I judged myself harshly, criticised myself, felt unacceptable, unsuccessful, not good enough or otherwise beat myself up thinking there was something wrong with me.

Reflecting back on the times I blamed myself for making mistakes, felt ashamed of myself, took too much responsibility for others, lost confidence in myself, sabotaged myself to placate others, put myself down in front of others, or allowed them to use, control or manipulate me or put me down, I recognised the truth in Lisa Romano’s words when she says “It takes courage to love the self others abandoned”.

Because that is, in essence, what happens. Growing up, the parts of us that don’t “fit in” are the parts we deny, suppress and disown. I know I worked hard as a youngster to be physically fit and develop physical and mental resilience in the world, perhaps because that kind of strength was valued in the people and culture around me.

Opening up emotionally wasn’t something anyone I knew really did, that kind of vulnerability was kept for within close and trusted relationships. As a result I didn’t necessarily see a lot of conscious, healthy role modeling around handling conflict, or – perhaps more crucially - repairing after a conflict. And yet, my intuitive and emotional self is highly adept at reading others’ emotional landscape.

That part of me that is more intuitive and sensitive was definitely kept far more hidden, and in my blind faith about safety within certain types of relationships (for example, I believed a romantic partnership or marriage was the safe place to share my true feelings and let people see my true self, because that is what I had seen role modeled, and I believed that grownups in workplaces would act professionally) I have experienced many things coming from left field to teach me that life isn’t quite like that.

Through strong imagery of sitting chest-high in the edge of the ocean, Teal’s meditation asks us to experience those feelings of having abandoned ourselves like waves coming in, crashing into our chest and washing over. Crucially, she asks that we practice sitting with those feelings until they pass.

It’s a practice of not moving into the hard wired responses of lashing out, fleeing, freezing or acquiescing when feeling strong emotions. Whether it’s me abandoning myself in the ways I described above (like blaming myself for mistakes), or someone else attacking me or manipulating me, or in some other way reflecting back to me the anger I often perpetrate upon myself, it takes practice to achieve emotional regulation.

I think perhaps the most shocking of experiences for me has always been those reflections of anger or subjugation from others, because as a kid I perpetrated that upon myself, taking it upon my shoulders to be perfect and avoid those kinds of responses.

However, I find life has a way of needling us in just the right way in order to try and evoke a growth response to develop beyond the unhealthy patterns and unprocessed emotions of those earlier times.

Evette asked the class to define what anger means to us, to consider what anger does (that we feel we can’t) in everyday life, and what does it allows us to feel – other than anger? These were thought provoking and provided valuable insights, as I could see that anger has been the way I’ve felt and expressed my boundaries in the past, and it gave me the outlet and bravery (with its surge of adrenaline) to express opinions I’d otherwise kept suppressed.

Boundaries are those things we will and won’t accept, how we assert them is a whole other communication skill to learn. Briana MacWilliam covers this really well in her attachment courses, and some people quite like the Non Violent Communication courses, but there is plenty of ways out these days to learn the skills.

What I’ve come to really appreciate is the ability to observe my feelings rather than be completely identified with them. This has taken time and practice, and was only possible after practicing meditation regularly. It gives me room to pause and the choice to react differently, in ways that are more healthy and productive.

That said, dealing with my own emotional reactions to insults, aggression, manipulative statements or other attacks, then asserting myself in a calm, rational manner, continues to be a challenge. All I can say is that, over time, I’m getting better. Things that would have thrown me off kilter for days or weeks now disperse in hours or minutes.

And part of that is also about owning who I am, completely.

So what if I live in a world (by this I mean the people and places who surround me) that tends to devalue the role of a stay-at-home parent and, instead, constantly promotes and cajoles you back into a workplace? I used to play that game; it led to burn out, illness.

I value my health and my role as a parent above what others think I should or shouldn’t be focused on. For me, the role is more than feeding, ferrying and clothing my kids. It’s a role that involved completely managing their lives when they are little, to gradually training them for more independence and then moving into a coaching role through their teens.

It’s a role that involves making the best healthcare and educational choices that match my values, and navigating a terrain no other generation of parents has had to navigate – technology (and it’s deliberately designed dopamine driving addiction). It’s a role that involves helping my children to emotionally regulate themselves and to be able to apply critical thinking to situations and relationships. It’s big, and it’s the fostering of the next generation.

So in the past where I would have defended my lack of engagement in the expected route back to the workplace, there is a subtle but healthy change, instead I advocate for my role. I value my role, and I’m immensely proud of the time, focus and energy I’ve put in and continue to put in.

That said, it’s been far from perfect. My time as a parent has been a collection of the good, the bad and the ugly. It’s been a massive learning curve and growth journey, with much healing taking place. In short though, it is a step in the right direction.

The direction I wanted to head was to cultivate kids who are closer than I was in knowing themselves at a younger age, and better able to identify things and people who are compatible with their beliefs and values. If they are able to distinguish toxic from healthy growth, and have confidence to navigate these scenarios even a little better than I was able to in my younger years, then we will have moved forward.

Imagine nurturing a generation unafraid to know themselves, confident in their beliefs, and capable of navigating life's intricate dance? Whether we raise children directly, we are all raising them indirectly through our example.

As you stand on the shore of your own emotional ocean, take a moment to reflect on the waves that have shaped your journey. Consider the insights gained from defining anger's role in your life. Challenge yourself to observe, not just react. Uncover the power to express boundaries with calm assertiveness, acknowledging the growth it brings, and choose the path of self-affirmation. Your journey, like the ebb and flow of the tides, has its own rhythm. In embracing your journey, you not only rewrite the narrative for yourself but contribute to a narrative of empowerment and authenticity for generations to come.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Mastering the Art of Inner Harmony: A Journey from Turmoil to Tranquility, Empower Yourself - When a Difficult Reaction Sends You Into a Tailspin, Do You Need to Heal Your Boundaries?, Change Unhealthy Reactions, Your Mind Will Try to Protect You By Resisting Your Healthy Boundaries and Expand Your Emotional Vocabulary to Get Your Real Needs Met. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

What I unconsciously learned as I grew in this world was to allow what was going on around me to dictate how I was feeling; this – of course – directly affected the quality of my life.

Being empathic, it would only take someone else’s bad or sad mood to throw me into a spin or the doldrums. Or a bad weather day or some news item to affect how I was feeling and, therefore, the attitude and approach I took to life.

I recall at one point on my corporate management journey going on a course about managing absenteeism and I’ll never forget the phrase “It might not be their fault, but it is their responsibility”. The whole idea being that we didn’t need to make someone feel bad about having to take time off of work, we could be compassionate, but we should also be holding to the boundaries set out in their employment contract around absences unless there were extenuating circumstances.

That idea stuck with me, and as I have evolved through my broader journey in life I can see that it might not be my fault that someone I’ve been dealing with has had a bad day, or is even a toxic personality, or that it has rained five days in a row, but it is my responsibility to manage my own mood and responses.

When I started regularly meditating nine years ago, I began to see that there are different layers within me. That I can observe my thoughts is indicative of another layer of consciousness doing the observing, that I am also identified with. Therefore I am both the thoughts and the observer.

Meditation, contrary to popular belief, is about observing my thoughts, and practicing letting them go rather than getting caught up in them. After practicing this in mediation, it began to happen more in my day to day life. I’d be caught up in some drama unfolding with my children, and suddenly I’d get a clear view of my thoughts and behaviour in the moment and be able to adjust it.

For a while this felt quite schizophrenic, but more and more it became normal practice for me to reframe my thoughts and behaviour in the moment. I began to see life around me as a mirror of what what going on inside me, and would look at any patterns with deep interest and started to get to know my inner self more intimately.

This is particularly true of the moments where I was (and still am) triggered into “flight or fight” mode, which can actually look like fight, flight, freeze and fold. My ability to step away and observe is almost always there, but my ability to reframe my experience in the moment is not, quite simply because my prefrontal cortex is closed for business until my nervous system naturally begins to relax (this can take a number of hours) or I take responsibility for regulating it.

Having experienced panic attacks in my life, and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) symptoms, learning how to manage my inner world became a priority for me. I didn’t want to just survive these episodes, I wanted to learn how to notice their onset and avert them.

Shifting to a calm centre, I’ve found, isn’t just a matter of deciding to, or saying a few mantras, it’s a very active process of self discovery, learning new skills and practice, practice, practice.

Even after all the inner work I’ve done:

• Uncovering parts of myself in conflict with each other (you might relate to it through conversations with a friend along the lines of “there’s a part of me that wants to earn more, but there’s another part of me that doesn’t believe I can” and so forth),
• Reframing the narrative going on so these parts are not creating inner conflict,
• Learning what I really value and believe in and creating healthy boundaries around that
• Learning the skills to hold and communicate those with others

Even after all that and more, things still come up to tip me off balance. It’s definitely an ongoing practice, but the intensity and the ability to regulate my body’s reactions is steadily getting better and better. Things are way less intense.

And here is another tool that I never thought I’d ever use – ChatGPT. If you ever need a neutral third party to take a look at your inner dialogue, or dialogue with others, I think it’s great, I wish I’d have had it when dealing with protracted, toxic legal correspondence a few years ago.

Just recently I was dealing with an email from my kid’s school, going back and forth about an action plan, I was querying the need for one and read the words “All good. Don’t complete one, not a problem” as a passive aggressive response and felt a bit annoyed. So I copied the whole email trail (minus identifying details, I don’t want those in the collective bucket of digital swill) and asked ChatGPT to tell me its
interpretation of the tone of this correspondence.

It felt the tone of the whole correspondence was accommodating of my individual views and quite collaborative. Knowing my Scots heritage, and how my own experiences with sarcasm have shaped my inner landscape, I recognised that I may – or may not – be misreading the tone. Either way, it would not have made for a constructive response if I had adopted the latter attitude.

So I drafted a response, asked ChatGPT whether that was straightforward, calm and rational and in keeping with the constructive discussion so far. It responds instantly, even with reams of information, and can suggest improvements if you ask it to.

While I reflect on my journey from allowing external circumstances to dictate the quality of my life to becoming the calm centre of my own experience, I can’t help but appreciate the transformative power of self-discovery and resilience. It’s a continuous process of learning, practicing new skills and actively engaging in the art of reframing thoughts and behaviours.

As you continue your own journey of self-discovery and resilience, consider embracing the support and insights available to you. Remember, it's not just about surviving but thriving, and every step you take towards a calm center contributes to a more fulfilling and empowered life.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Empower Yourself - When a Difficult Reaction Sends You Into a Tailspin, Do You Need to Heal Your Boundaries?, Change Unhealthy Reactions, Your Mind Will Try to Protect You By Resisting Your Healthy Boundaries and Expand Your Emotional Vocabulary to Get Your Real Needs Met. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

For much of the last couple of decades of my life I have, by necessity, been somewhat of a lone wolf. To use some UK slang, it’s been “heads down, bums up” in the parenting department in particular, while initially juggling a corporate career and then laterally navigating a particularly gnarly separation and dealing with life post-split with kids living between two homes.

Now that I’ve spent the time examining and integrating those experiences, a huge amount of personal growth has taken place and I have started to attract healthier relationships in all walks of life and feel quite settled and supported by people who understand and accept me more deeply.

In short, there’s more space to turn towards my purpose. So when a close friend of mine was facilitating a public Family Constellations session and it was my turn to look at what I wanted to dive deeper into, I was explaining how torn I feel about how to progress. In particular I have been resisting the coaching work I’ve been doing, and am good at.

Having asked me about the things I had been contemplating and wrangling with, I then expressed my deepest desire to be part of a team – a healthy, functional team –she expressed her surprise that the lone wolf wanted to run with a pack.

My friend has not known me in the times I’ve thrived as part of a work team. The last team I worked and flourished with was fourteen years ago. We were a small team, working on a large transformational project we all very much believed in. Each of us had very different personalities, with varying strengths, values and beliefs, but there was respect and trust and we were usually able to navigate tricky issues and come out stronger.

While I now have a burgeoning team mate in my personal life, many of life’s lessons in the “heads down, bums up” phase of my life were attached to learning healthy boundaries. The teachers of those lessons of course came in the shape of both personal and professional unhealthy relationships and team dynamics.

So it was profoundly interesting to have those solo versus collaborative parts of me represented by others in the Family Constellations work. It helped me to see the intricacies of what I was feeling far more clearly.

I'm definitely more motivated around others, there’s a kind of effervescence I feel when there is that synergy between like-minded and like-hearted people. It's why younger me loved swimming; I was part of a great team with a great coach. It's got a lot to do with why I left too, certain people left and the team dynamic changed, my heart was no longer in it.

Don’t get me wrong, I like the independence of managing my own workload and work times, and I like working with my clients’ one on one, but the more that comes from a great team is majestic. It's why I always loved medical dramas like House and Private Practice as they worked together in teams to help people. Private Practice was a great example of individual specialists working with their patients and clients, but they would discuss case loads and look for the synergies.

I always look at one of my healthcare practitioners sideward when they say they don't discuss clients with each other to protect confidentiality, I think they're missing a trick. I would love it if my various healthcare providers sat around the table to look at me more holistically; I can well imagine issues getting understood and ironed out far faster.

My friend thinks I’d make a wonderful Family Constellations facilitator, but that’s not what I feel called to. I love turning up as a participant, doing my part representing for others, but I haven't got the inclination to organise or facilitate in anything in that field. I love my own work, and prefer to refer people to other practitioners who specialize in things I don’t when needed – and wouldn’t that be all the better if it were in collaboration?

Having also mentioned I have a hankering to be involved in some sort of think tank around evolving education and healthcare, my friend also recommended a place called Heart Place Hospital who holistically resource frontline healthcare and educational professionals. I had a good poke around their website and they look to be doing some fantastic work.

It certainly piqued my interest, if somewhere like Heart Place Hospital developed a large enough reach - or if there were enough versions of this type of service with a big enough reach collectively - then those clients would be exactly the right kinds of people to sit down with, along with holistic and alternative healthcare and educational practitioners, to create a vision of a different future; that's the bit I'd love to be part of.

My various experiences have taught me that, while a team of people collaborating can most definitely achieve more than the sum of its parts, knowing my own interests, values, skill set, strengths, experience, gifts, beliefs and limitations are really important when contemplating being part of a team. For any collaboration to work it’s important to be clear about my role and that of others, and have healthy boundaries around it.

As this all played out in the Family Constellations session, I got to see more clearly that, while the part of me that works with clients loves collaboration, there’s also very distinctly a part of me that enjoys and needs time alone to recharge and practice self care, and that is okay.

Oftentimes in the past I’ve lost myself to the teams I’ve been a part of, giving far too much without taking time to recharge my own batteries. Some people can do that with just a good night’s sleep, but for me – especially while juggling so many roles in my life – it’s important to have time to contemplate, meditate, keep fit and healthy and spend time relaxing in my own company as well as with friends and loved ones.

Are there areas where you thrive as a lone wolf, and others where you yearn to be part of a team? Remember, the power of collaboration lies not only in achieving more together but also in understanding and honouring our individual needs and strengths. Here’s to creating a world where we can all thrive – whether as lone wolves, team players, or a harmonious blend of both. Together let’s continue exploring the transformative potential of collaboration in our personal and professional lives.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Do You Want to Make a Heartfelt Change to Your Career?, Weave Words Like Wands - Confessions of a Sarcastic Perfectionist, Break Free: The Honour, Privilege, Exhaustion and Horror of Being Mum, Is the Role for Managers Redundant in Today’s World?, What or Who Reminds You of How Good it Feels to Feel Good? and Embrace Your Authentic Self, Shed the Toxic People in Your Life. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

Talking to a friend about their career, they were saying how they’ve really changed tact these last few years. Whereas they used to be who they felt was expected of them in their role, now they bring much more of themselves to the workplace and feel happier to walk away (if there is a mismatch in expectations) and happier overall.

At the same time I saw a podcast interviewing Chip Conley about reclaiming our middle years as a time of regenerative possibilities “a time to activate our capacities for renewal and let our souls lead the dance”.  Certainly it’s common to go through life with aspirations to get good grades, get a good job, meet the love of your life and have children… only for many to discover they still feel unfulfilled – whether they were successful in those things or not.

Then I noticed something along a similar theme when reading about the New Moon on 9 February, which was reminding me that the only expectations I need to live up to are my own. Having felt the weight of having to perform for people in my life at various points – to act the way they wanted me to act – there’s a chance to shed the layers of pretence and connect with my inner truth.

Now whether someone is in their midlife years, or whether there’s a New Moon, does not negate the point. In fact, I very much hope my children grow up knowing how to dance to the beat of their own drum, but I also know the many ways in which they are expected to conform and where those voices in my head that I now contend with also came from.

I noticed a good friend taking some time out to play an online game after we had lunch together one day, whereas I had gotten on with some work. When I asked about it, they just casually said they were having a moment of downtime. I realised right there how prevalent the narrative in my head is about the need to be productive – or perhaps even moreso – the desire to be seen to be productive.

The same is true when I’m talking to people, or writing for an audience, I am often trying to watch for any words, phrase or references that might put people off. Why? I mean, I don’t want to offend people, but if I talk about something that puts someone off – New Moon’s may be a case in point – then really they’re not my kind of people.

And the more I trying to appeal to a broader range of people, the more I continue to perpetuate the myth that I don’t fit in, or don’t belong.

How did it all begin? As it does for most of us, in childhood, trying to please parents, teachers, coaches etc, because those people were critical to my survival back then, so the neural pathways and patterns started to form. Preferring harmony, I mainly acted the way others wanted because it was easier to go along with it than create confrontation.

However, feeling like I always have to be “on” for others leads to a disconnect from my authentic self, it creates anxiety and unease.

Coming back to the New Moon energies for me this week, it has the capacity to amplify any hidden negative feelings about my work that could be compromising my potential for success. While astrology isn’t predictive (it simply gives us an understanding of the influences at play, it’s then up to us how we use that energy) this is a theme that has been coming up for me a lot in recent weeks.

It went on to say the wisest words:

“The only way you can change the things you’re unhappy about is by acknowledging them and being clear about what it is that needs to change. It’s so much easier to work with things that are in your field of awareness rather than having them subconsciously sabotaging your life.”

“Gosh” I thought, “this is exactly what I’ve been trying to teach the kids lately”. They came home tetchy with each other one day and it quickly became clear there was some misdirected anger going on. The things that were triggering are things that would normally wash over. I asked “Is there something bugging you that you don’t feel able to talk about?”

As young adolescents, they haven’t yet quite developed the cognitive processing capacity to name the nuances of how they are feeling. And they most definitely don’t want to betray others by breaking confidences or sharing the details of sensitive information, nor would I expect them to.

However I do want them to learn to recognise when they feel bad, and where they are feeling it in their body. And to take an active part in feeling into and releasing that feeling whether through writing, drawing, dancing, sport – anything that allows them some creative expression rather than squashing everything down.

What I’ve learned over the years is that ignored, suppressed and denied emotions tend to come out sidewards – whether through sibling fights or overreacting to friends’ comments, sleepless nights, limited attention spans or getting sick, to name a few. It’s much healthier to encourage them to work through things and to lead by example.

So while serendipitously prompted by various conversations and a bit of astrological information, I know it’s important for me to look at my own unhealthy patterns, the things that are making me feel bad because I’m in some way compromising and suppressing the true me. The constant need to “look like I’m productive” and to “fit in” are just examples that are active within me right now.

Both are examples I became conscious of quite some time ago and have already consciously worked on many times. Creating new neural pathways – especially ones that kick in as an alternative to those well worn ones from childhood that are associated with our flight and fight response – is an ongoing practice.

What patterns and expectations are you carrying from the past? Embrace the wisdom of acknowledging and clarifying what needs to change. Share your reflections with someone you trust or journal them.  Let’s collectively move towards a space where authenticity takes precedence over society’s expectations.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Normal Is Dysfunctional That Is the Growth Opportunity, Expand Your Emotional Vocabulary to Get Your Real Needs Met, Here Is How to Recognise and Overcome Your True Fears, Who Are You? Introduce the Remarkable Human Behind the Roles You Play and Make the Choice to Feel Better About Yourself and Your Life. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

While working on a new website, I read something this week that gave me pause. It was an impactful reminder that clarity of thought sets the stage for what shows up in my life, to be transparent with my desires and focused in my pursuits – “Clear vision will guide you towards realizing your goals”.

Sometimes I get so embroiled in trying to make something happen, I forget this little golden nugget. I tend to pay heed when I read something that really resonates, so I parked my endeavors and reflected on some of the other words that had been popping out at me lately.

I’ve been picking up on words that encourage me to spend more time in nature, to nurture my inner world, to foster my feminine qualities and take some space to reflect.

There is a challenge that Chloe Couisins is offering with daily meditations that dwell upon cultivating qualities like creativity, nurturance, self love, our deep connection to mother Earth, abundance over flow and holding space for others. As soon as I looked at it, I knew that I’m feeling called to spend more time with my thoughts, or my not-thoughts, just my observance of the miracles of nature, and my deep gratitude for where I live and the life I am able to lead here with my kids growing up.

I also felt called by Chloe’s words around creating more than enough though our passions and our creativity, fostering that deep desire of wanting to rather than having to. I recognised that the ability to nurture those seeds, that haven’t yet taken form, stems from the ability to nurture myself.

As I was looking at the website as it is; it feels that it’s missing something vital. What I’ve developed, using the website as a canvas, represents the me that I am to an extent, it doesn’t quite fully capture that someone else I have become in recent years.

Years ago I wrote Coming Out – Psychically Speaking and yet I haven’t really fully embraced and embodied many of the abilities that opened up in me back then. I use them intuitively all the time, but I lack the language to describe them in a way that feels me.

I’m a real hybrid of the credible corporate people change and transformation, mixed in with a deep understanding of human psychology as we widely know and accept it, sitting alongside some intuitive skills that allow me to see things and knit things together for people that they had previously only sensed but couldn’t articulate.

It’s interesting that bringing things to light for others is part of my talent, and yet it’s the very thing I’m struggling with for myself.

So taking some time to cultivate those more intuitive aspects of myself, embracing the feminine, is what much of my journey these last few years points to.

It’s about going with the path of least resistance, allowing feminine energy to flow through any situation without the need for force. This in turn then allows my creativity to move through when I am relaxed and present.

I also took out my folder for a course I started a few years ago with Dr Jean Houston on Unlocking Your Quantum Powers, because deciding to press pause for a time on my website is far easier when I have something else with some structure – that is related to fostering my creativity - to focus on.

One client last year had an epiphany when we were working together; he said he needed to spend more time in the quantum field contemplating what he wanted before taking action, rather than throwing lots against the wall and hoping something stuck.

This is very much like the work I heard Dr Denis Waitley talk about years ago when recounting his time with the Olympic athletes, he got them to practice their performances over and over in their head, so by the time the starter’s whistle blew, they had lived that moment hundreds of times. But before that, there was a moment in each of those athletes’ lives – a moment that they knew, with absolute certainty – that they wanted to compete in the Olympics at the top of their sport.

That clarity, certainty and conviction isn’t necessary to begin something. I can – and have – tried much from the smorgasbord of life. But there comes a time to step back, and contemplate which my favourite elements were, and how I might weave those together in a way that fosters my deep desire of wanting to rather than having to.

Will you take the leap with me into the quantum field of possibilities? Are you ready to nurture your inner world and realise your desires and intentions? Let’s embrace our intuitive selves and weave a tapestry of authenticity, creativity and fulfillment.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How to Overcome Insecurities and Fears to Transform Your Life, How to Switch Between Your Life Roles With Grace and Ease, Presence Your True Needs, Talents and Desires to Step Into the State of Fullness, What Will It Take for You to Choose Happy? and Embracing the Feminine within All of Us. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

One of the things I’ve really been noticing lately are some of my less desirable traits. On the one hand, since it’s symptomatic of being around people I can be myself with, albeit it under stress, it is a huge boon since I’ve actively been on a personal growth journey for many years with a specific aim of expressing myself authentically. On the other hand, it’s a bit disconcerting to see all the worst parts of myself so clearly.

I mean, connection is all important to us humans as a social species interdependent on one another for survival. Any scary thought of being less than desirable to others is, therefore, understandable when put in the context of psychological survival.

But, on the other hand, to that perfectionist part of me that wanted to avoid “getting in trouble” or any kind of criticism, it still feels very uncomfortable to own those parts of me that can piss people off.

One of the things I have to remember is that most traits have their good and bad points and, when under stress, generally the more negative aspects of a trait come to the fore. One of those that comes most readily to mind is the quips that spew forth regularly when I’m around loved ones.

I was reading an article in which British actor and comedian Ricky Gervais was talking about the Brit’s propensity to “take the piss”. He said “We use irony as liberally as prepositions in every day speech. We tease our friends. We use sarcasm as a shield and a weapon. We avoid sincerity until it’s absolutely necessary. We mercilessly take the piss out of people we like or dislike basically. And ourselves.”

That part is very important. He reckons “Our brashness and swagger is laden with equal portions of self depreciation. This is our license to hand it out. It can be perceived as nasty if the recipients aren’t used to it, but it’s play fighting essentially. It’s almost a sign of affection if we like you, and ego bursting if we don’t.” Of course you have to be able to read the body language, tone, context and facial expressions to know which is which.

One of my all time favourite TV shows was House starring (another great actor and comedian) Hugh Laurie as Dr Gregory House. What I particularly loved was how House’s team would come together to solve medical mysteries. But House’s character was heavily sarcastic, which is a trait I can really relate to from growing up in the West of Scotland.

In one scene, House (talking about a patient) says “He did, however, get hit by a bullet. Just mentioning it.” One of his team, Cameron, responds “He was shot?” To which House inevitably comes back sarcastically with “No. Someone threw a bullet at him.”

As Hanan Parvez says, “Sarcasm is not good or bad, but it’s certainly a passive aggressive form of humour. On the one hand you have to be quick-witted, possesses strong observational skills and figure out how to point to the absurdity/obviousness/redundancy with creativity. It requires social intelligence, courage (since you risk offence each time) and strength of mind.

On the flip side you are making people look like an idiot, and people – like House – who’ve adopted sarcasm as a personality trait often feel contempt towards “the idiots” around them, but are too intelligent to be direct with the aggression.”

I agree with Hanan in that I find the more I trust someone – and vice versa – the more positive deposits are in our emotional bank accounts, and those cancel out any harm the sarcasm might unintentionally inflict. Certainly the Scot in me still enjoys the occasional verbal sparring when someone responds in like, it makes the conversation spicy and entertaining.

Not to mention that scientists have also shown that expressing sarcasm- or receiving sarcasm from trusted others – increases creativity without elevating conflict.

What I find it that, under stress, the sarcasm I use tends to lack the good natured light heartedness it might otherwise. Like anything, I have to be able to observe myself – or at least pick up cues from others – when the intensity is a bit much and needs dialed back.

It can, Hanan says, “in times of low self esteem, be used to boost self worth but it’s at another person’s expense and people don’t forget how you make them feel”.

That is the part that is important to me. As mentioned previously, I liked the challenge Dr Jean Houston sets “To use our words like wands”. I want to create magic not mayhem. So if I see a look of hurt or confusion in someone’s expression as I throw another quip their way, I know without doubt I need to be far more conscious and deliberately positive about what is coming out of my mouth.

Another aspect of my personality that can create moments of me wincing, when I observe it, is my discerning nature. Under stress, discernment can morph into judgment. As Michael Mamas wrote “To overcome being judgemental and to become discerning, you much find balance in yourself”.

It’s like this, I like what I like, and for good reason. It’s taken me a lifetime to figure out the foods that work for me, the most efficient way to hang my clothes on the line and a multitude of other variables that we have choices about in every day life.

Over the last couple of years I’ve lived without any other adult, it’s been the first time in my life that I have had such freedom over everything from décor and furnishings, the time I get up and go to bed each day, through to the way the food is cooked, or dishes stacked.

Then along comes another adult, and the thoughts and appreciation for the bigger things in life – like love and companionship – get put to the test as I start to see myself through their eyes in day to day life. Thankfully it’s not a person who thinks there is a right and wrong way to do things, only a way that works or doesn’t work for each of us.

But it’s entertaining and amazing how the way a vacuum chord is wound can raise questions in my head about how much I want to compromise in my life. How – despite my own beliefs in there not being right or wrong ways for doing things – I want to keep doing them my way. That in itself is fine, but I can see I need to let other people – especially my children – find their own right ways that work for them.

Personal growth comes in all guises, in the good, bad and the ugly. Some days, especially when I think of my own foibles, I think “why would anyone want to be around me?” It’s not always fun to see myself through others’ eyes, but it is helpful. That applies as much to the good as the bad, which can also be difficult to hear and own.

Bizarrely enough, when we essentially hear about all the things we are doing wrong as kids, it’s easy to make ourselves wrong and believe we aren’t good people, worthy of love. This becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy as we grow into adulthood. So recognising and reminding ourselves of our strengths is as important as working on those other things that go haywire and show up as weaknesses under stress.

What are the aspects of your own personality that you can be proud of and which are those that require a bit more attention in order to flourish in the way you’d like? Let’s strive together to use our words like wands so that, rather than rather than creating unintentional mayhem, we create magic in our relationships.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Make Choices That Will Have the Most Positive Impact in Your Life, Reclaim Your Personal Freedoms: The Path to Empowerment Amid Alluring Promises, Leaders Who Walk the Talk and Are Interested in People and Self Empowerment and Is It Time to Break Free of That Holding Pattern You’ve Been In? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

Each of us is held back in some way by our insecurities and self doubts. We let our limiting beliefs prevent us from pursuing the things that truly matter to us. Yet only through understanding our fears can we overcome them.

I was doing an interesting exercise with Evette Rose this week on boosting my prosperity vibration. She asked what my definition of prosperity is, what I need to hear/feel/know in order to feel prosperous and asked where in my life I already feel prosperous.

That was a lovely reflection as generally I have good health, I experience a lot of love in my life through my children, partner, friends and family, I live in a beautiful environment, I usually have a good balance of time to myself, I have money in the bank and access to healthy food, water and nature.

None of these things came about by accident, the way I currently live began as all things do, with an intention. Then followed the work to bring these things about, which certainly involved recognizing and overcoming many fears.

I’ve learned along the way that nothing is impossible, but if I lapse into pessimism and negativity based on my present or past circumstances, I run the risk of perpetuating more of the things I don’t want.

I’ve learned it’s important to calm my emotions , to remember that things tend to come more easily when I’m in a positive state of being which I miss out on when I’m stuck in a negative perspective.

I’ve learned that it’s better to work with the flow of events rather than against them, and sometimes that means disengaging from conflict with others or my own frustration if my ambitions aren’t playing out smoothly, and focusing on my mental and emotional state of being.

When I say I’ve learned these things, it’s like learning – knowing – that certain foods are good for us and others are toxic even though they may taste oh so good at the time. It’s easy to slip back into bad habits.

And that is exactly what I’d done just last week as I observed myself simmering with frustration about different aspects of my parenting role while on a trip. I had an accumulation of stress from the usual rounds of busy end of year events, intensified with a house move, so I recognised I needed a bit of self compassion and I needed to put a more positive part of my psyche in the driving seat – especially when I felt some heart flutters (I get stress related arrhythmia).

All it took in this instance was some reflection and journaling to reframe my thoughts and I felt like a weight had been lifted. My hearbeat went back to its regular rhythm and I enjoyed the rest of the trip. But when I came home, instead of taking some time for self care, I kept on “doing” and of course ended up with inflammation and congestion – my body’s way of saying “slow down”.

The learning is an ongoing daily process of applying what I’ve come to know when I’ve often tripped up and slipped back into bad habits.

The next area of my life to expand into is my career, and when Evette asked “How do you feel when you picture prosperity?” in relation to this I could immediately feel the fear of the stress associated with my previous career.

There still exists a fear of being overcome with the stress of losing myself. Yet finding me is the very thing I’ve worked towards quite deliberately over the last 9 years. I need faith to continue on my path but it goes hand-in-hand with the knowledge I’ve gained and I’m feeling ready to contribute more to the world around me.

I understand my fears, my body and nervous system in particular has much experience of me pushing through doing lots of things I don’t really want to be doing, particularly in relation to past income. The work I did previously held a certain amount of me that allowed the most authentic parts to shine on occasion, but it was too often overshadowed by parts that really are not me at all.

Yet I know I’m wiser now. Just as I’ve developed more solid boundaries in my personal relationships, the same is true of professional ones. There is zero need for me to expend energy trying to be anything other than exactly who I am, doing exactly what I want to do.

Talking to a cousin yesterday who is at a slightly later stage of life, I realised yet again that  life is too short not to do the things we love. I am passionate about rather a mixed bunch of things, from helping others (who are willing to go deep and want to help themselves) through change and transitions at all stages of life, including those who are dying, through to an avid interest in developing new systems of healthcare and education.

My life experiences have led me to accumulating a lot of knowledge and interest in all those things and I feel life is too short not to just embrace it all and do everything I can do while I can. Yet, at the same time, I recognise my existing commitments as a parent and my absolute desire to continue with that valuable role in my life.

The time feels absolutely right to step forward n some way, and certainly I have no intention of being held by my insecurities and self doubts. In what area of your life is it time to step forwards? Can you recognise some of the limiting beliefs that are preventing you from pursuing the things that truly matter? And are you prepared to devote some time to understanding your fears so you can overcome them?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Here Is How to Recognise and Overcome Your True Fears, How Is Your Ability to Connect With Abundance Right Now?, Are You Getting Distracted From Who You Came to Be This Life? and Let Yourself Fly. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I was reading some articles about dominant themes for 2024, one cited destruction lust as the primary theme. This means to be consumed, even at a subconscious level, with the desire for destruction of that which a person perceives to be against their best interests.

It said that “over the course of history, what you see is that when a society feels frustrated and failed enough by the very society they live in, they tend to elect and/or support a leader that promises to create drastic change and fulfill their destruction lust regarding whatever is causing them that frustration and pain.

And these leaders, who are poised to satisfy this destruction lust, are the very ones who instead bring about negative change motivated by self-interest rather than positive change motivated by actual care for the people.

These leaders exploit and manipulate the people’s pain and subsequent destruction lust for their own personal agendas. Throughout history, people have fallen into this trap again and again because the relief that destruction promises, blinds them to the consequences. And what it often takes to get elected, is the exact opposite of what the people actually need.”

It’s interesting as a recent article in Time Magazine talks about how globally more voters than ever in history will head to the polls in at least 64 countries (plus the European Union), representing a combined population of about 49% of the people in the world that are meant to be holding national elections, the results of which – for many – will prove consequential for years to come. 

In New Zealand we will certainly be seeing the ramifications of the 2020 election in which the Labour Party won a historic victory, being the first party to form a majority government in the MMP era, for many years to come. It is not unsurprising the pendulum swung in the opposite direction last year when the national election then saw the worst defeat of a sitting government since the introduction of the MMP system; with Labour losing almost half their electoral seats in Parliament.

What really struck me, as I was applying some critical thinking to whether and whom to vote for last year, was how the left/right arguments were so dominant and distracting. When plotting where political parties sit on a continuum, there appears little notice or credence to the other axis that represents a continuum between personal power and a nanny state.

After the complete loss of many personal freedoms during Jacinda Arden’s time in power, it was something I personally paid a lot of attention to. As far as I can see, fear drove many of the supporters of her party’s decisions to fall in behind them without critical questions being raised.

When I wrote Is It Time to Break Free of That Holding Pattern You’ve Been In? there was a recommendation to evaluate decisions from the perspective of imagining how we might feel looking back on those decisions after we are dead. And to become as aware as possible of the positive and negative consequences of those decisions before we make them.

In the article about 2024, it was suggested that it will be a pivotal year and decisions will play such a big role that decision making is a contender for the dominant theme.

It says ”When it comes to making decisions this year, each and every one of us must gather all the information possible, without only seeking information that confirms our biases. We must also deeply know our values.”
Knowing my values hasn’t always been easy to articulate. Among things I value most deeply - and believe in vehemently - are human potential and personal empowerment. I like the article’s reminder to share inspiring and heartwarming stories and post beautiful images that remind people of the magic of life on Earth. Human potential may not always be obvious and yet it is always there, ready to be unleashed through the making of intentional choices and purposeful decisions. This, it suggests, is the antidote to the desire for destruction.

I can well believe it. I think one thing we humans all share is a strong desire for freedom of choice. From Mel Gibson’s well known movie battle cry “Freedom!” as William Wallace in the movie Braveheart, through to  Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning, books and movies – fiction and non-fiction – abound with the theme of our human capacity when our freedom is thwarted.

Years ago I commented (in a company I worked for) on how marvelous it would be if we could repurpose every person in our call centres, give them the freedom to bring their own values, talents and gifts to work every day in order to best serve the company’s main goals and aspirations. The response was interesting; it flushed out fears of how people would take advantage and couldn’t be trusted.

Perhaps. I have read about various experiments where people have been given freedoms they had wanted and abused them, but those experiments then show what is only logic – when faced with the natural consequences of their choices (rather than society’s punitive consequences) over the longer term - behaviours changed and people become more responsible and accountable.

I believe in the potential of human beings to achieve great things, to recognise their interconnectedness and act with cumulative effects in mind. I believe good decision making requires people to practice making decisions full stop, we will make bad decisions along the way, but we will learn.

As mentioned, throughout history, people have fallen into the trap again and again of following, electing and/or support a leader that promises to create drastic change and fulfill their destruction lust regarding whatever is causing them that frustration and pain, heedless of the consequences.

These are patterns that we can see when we step back. To be able to do this, I need space and time to think and contemplate. What space and time to contemplate do most people take in today’s world? As we move forward and we are faced with decisions about which leaders to follow and support, especially when they promise drastic change, it will be more vital than ever to be able to step back and really critically examine all of those promises and consequences and not just be blinded be people promising to take away pain points.

So how well can you articulate your own values? Where are the pain points in your own life that could blind you to making good decisions? And where and when can you make regular time in your life for reflection and contemplation so that you are able to maintain a broader perspective?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Leverage the Astonishing Power of Intuition, Flow and Kindness, How to Receive and Be More Confident in Your Needs, Desires and Opinions, Explore Your Limitless Potential, Is It Time to Break Free of That Holding Pattern You’ve Been In? and Life – Will You Take the Easy Way or the Hard Way? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.