 I realised, as I started to work with one of my kids about creating more awareness around their well being, and having a more balanced approach to their days, that I perhaps need to look at whether I have the right balance in my own life.
We seem to live in a society that values productivity that can be outwardly measured—things like achievements, tasks completed, and visible progress. But how can we recognise and value the less obvious aspects of well-being? Like many adolescents today, my kids struggle with social anxiety and healthily processing their emotions, which they feel very intensely. Recently, we did a project together focused on their well-being, and we both enjoyed it. Noticing how important processing time is for them, especially with all the academic and social input they receive, helped them understand the balance I try to maintain with screen time and boundaries. Here's how we did it:
I explained this by comparing it to eating without digesting or eliminating waste. As I illustrated this, they realised that all the academic, social, and emotional input they receive also needs to be processed similarly. Then we listed all the ways they naturally do this through activities like journaling, singing, drawing, or even showering—if they have the time. I’m trying to teach them that it's not just about what we accomplish externally, but also about noticing and making time for the things we need internally, like emotional balance and physical health, which aren't always as apparent. Next, we shaded in their current activities on a weekly calendar, and they could clearly see that processing time was missing when they stayed on their screen until late. I think this visual helped them understand the balance they need and why they have certain boundaries in place to help them manage that balance. We also explored what happens when they are out of balance. This can manifest in various ways—like feeling more tired, getting sick more often, struggling to cope with everyday challenges, and perceiving things as more intense or disproportionate to reality. All of these signs indicate that their well-being is being compromised when things aren't in balance. One tool we've been using to track how things are going is an emotions intensity scale, which we use for a quick check in; they rate the intensity of their feelings from 1 (not intense) to 10 (very intense). To build on that, I suggested adding a similar scale for physical feelings, to check in on how their body is doing. For the physical scale, they rate how they’re feeling physically, with 1 indicating they’re feeling very run down or unwell and 10 meaning they’re feeling really good and energised. A lower number on the physical scale shows they’re feeling more run down, while a higher number suggests they’re physically better. The idea is to have my children think about the two numbers each day—one reflecting how they're feeling emotionally and the other for their physical state. This helps them build awareness and track how both their emotions and physical condition change over time, and it also allows me to stay connected and understand how they’re doing, even when I’m not there. This practice also helps them recognise which activities require more energy and which need less, helping them plan their timing better—like when asking for sleepovers or lots of socialising. It also helps them notice the natural cyclical changes within their own body. A wise friend of mine recommended scheduling around the days of her menstrual cycle and ovulation because she knows her physical and emotional states change during those times. As best as she can, she works with that when planning activities and commitments. My kids may not be at that level of awareness yet, but they will get there. To be fair, it’s really only relatively recently I’ve started to do that myself. As I’ve been guiding my kids through this, I’ve noticed how their expanding social lives impact my own energy levels. Something as simple as driving to the local bowling alley in the evening to pick them up can leave me feeling drained when I’d normally be at home unwinding. I can always tell when I haven't picked up a book in a few days—my muscles are tight and stressed from overworking on the computer, signaling that I need more downtime to get lost in some fiction. Holding my own boundaries and prioritising self-care will become even more important as my kids grow and start to go through that phase where they burn the candle at both ends. I’ve experienced burnout enough times in my life to realise that I need balance. And just as I’m teaching my children to find their balance, I’m reminded that I need to maintain mine as well. As parents, we often focus so much on guiding our children that we forget to apply the same principles to ourselves. Just as our kids need balance to thrive, so do we. It's easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of daily life but, for me, recognising when I’m out of kilter is crucial. By modeling self-care and setting boundaries, I can teach my children by example that maintaining well-being is a lifelong practice. Reflecting on the importance of processing time, I'm reminded of how essential it is for all of us. Making room to reflect isn't just about improving our well-being; it's about recognising that in a world focused on productivity, the quieter, less visible moments of self-care and contemplation are equally important. By intentionally carving out this time, we nurture our emotional and physical health, ensuring we're fully present and ready to take on whatever life throws our way. In doing so, we're creating a more balanced, fulfilling life for ourselves and our loved ones. So, as you consider your own well-being today, remember the exercise we discussed: rate your emotional state from 1 to 10, with 1 being not intense at all and 10 being very intense. Then, rate your physical state from 1 to 10, with 1 being very run down and 10 being fully energised. How are you feeling today? If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Finding Balance: Making Big Changes Through Small Steps in a Complex Life, Start With the Self and the Rest Will Take Care of Its-Self, Make Choices That Will Have the Most Positive Impact in Your Life and Mastering the Art of Inner Harmony: A Journey from Turmoil to Tranquility. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.
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Beyond the Whiteboard: Rethinking Education for Diverse Learners and Our Collective Future8/18/2024  Navigating the challenges of raising children whose learning needs don’t align with the way the curriculum is taught requires us to consider both their experiences and our emotional responses. Reflecting with close friends on the challenges of motherhood, especially when raising children who struggle with school, I found myself wondering, “Are there parents out there whose kids genuinely find joy in life?”
While my kids enjoy certain aspects of life, their day-to-day experience with school is something they loathe. I often think how much more fulfilling it might feel to be the parent of children who are truly happy. Yet I also know that life’s challenges are where our opportunities for growth come from. In my fifties, I wouldn’t have half the resilience, competence, and confidence my kids see in me if I hadn’t been through some tough times. Not that we wish tough times on our kids, but they are an inevitable part of life, and I try to teach them that they can do hard things. I truly hope that as I watch them grow and mature into adulthood, I’ll see them flourishing, and that may bring a deeper sense of fulfillment in my role as a parent. I don’t remember being as miserable as my kids when I was growing up. I remember the thrill of climbing onto the top of communal garage blocks, running across rooftops, and playing games like Hide and Seek with friends in my younger years. Sure, there was angst over friendships and boyfriends, anxiety in new situations, and resistance to my mum’s behavior and opinions most of the time, but on the whole, school wasn’t something I actively resisted. On the contrary, it was an area where I found autonomy and independence. Through my competitive swimming, I experienced another world of independence outside the home, traveling to distant towns and staying away overnight. My mum used to say the biggest benefit of the intense training schedule was keeping me off the streets while doing something healthy. In high school, though, I always felt like I didn’t belong. I was “Shona the Swimmer” or, devastatingly once called, “Shona the Man” because I did Physical Education with the boys. I was dorky, wreaked of l'eau de chlorine, and often drifted off in class. But thankfully I didn’t have any learning difficulties; I did reasonably well academically. Reflecting on my childhood, I can’t help but contrast it with the experiences of my kids. It makes me think about what Abraham Hicks says—that the purpose of life is to experience joy. When we’re true to ourselves and follow our inner guidance, we naturally feel joyful. Growth happens as a by-product of that joy; we don’t need to force it. But then I think about how tough it is for kids with learning challenges. The traditional school environment can be so frustrating for them because it doesn’t fit how they naturally learn. Every day can feel like a great effort, and it’s hard for them to find any joy or motivation in that kind of setting. From kindergarten onward, my kids have balked at being in school. I didn’t fully understand why they seemed so exhausted and overwhelmed early on. Sure, there are days when they go without fuss, and occasionally things they look forward to, but both have (different) dyslexic and sensory challenges that make the learning environment particularly tough, leading to resistance and frustration. I think about the concept of optimal motivation, which involves aligning tasks with intrinsic goals or value. While I understand that there are things in life we might not want to do but have no choice about other than choosing our attitude, for most kids, this is a level beyond their understanding unless they regularly see it role-modeled. Their childhood is filled with obligations they have to fulfill because the government or their parents say so. For many kids, especially those who are neurodivergent, understanding and embracing the idea that they can choose their attitude toward learning tasks is both complex and often unattainable. They may struggle to see the purpose behind what they’re forced to learn in class, leading to feelings of frustration, resentment, or even helplessness. As children grow, how they internalize these experiences can significantly shape their adult behavior. Some may continue to comply out of fear of disappointing others, leading to a pattern of people-pleasing and self-sacrifice. Others might rebel, seeking to assert their autonomy but sometimes doing so in ways that are self-centered or harmful to others. Finding that balanced approach—being assertive yet mindful and compassionate—is rare and often requires a conscious effort in adulthood to unlearn deeply ingrained patterns. At the age my youngest is now, I was immersed in an intense routine—swimming morning and evening, attending school all day, and sneaking in late-night reading sessions by the hallway light. In contrast, my youngest doesn’t seem to have any strong interests outside of school. Social activities are rare, and by the end of the school day, they are completely drained, having expended all their energy at school. My older child, who overcame many early reading and writing challenges, would greatly benefit from a hands-on, project-based learning environment now that they are in high school. They thrive in settings involving experiments, arts, crafts, and building models. Unfortunately, traditional education still relies heavily on a lecture-based approach, where teachers present information and students are expected to follow along all at the same pace. This system can be particularly challenging for students with non-linear thinking, as it often exacerbates issues related to memory, organization, time management, concentration, and communication. On top of these learning challenges, my children also navigate typical social anxieties and emotional pressures of being teens—further complicated by screens and social media. These factors often lead to internalised stress, adding to their complexity of experience. Reflecting on their journey since kindergarten, I understand the value of both education and resilience, yet it’s heartbreaking as a parent to see every day feel like a struggle for my children. I often feel frustrated with how the education system seems to overlook opportunities to make learning more engaging and fulfilling. As I think about re-imagining education, it closely aligns with my current book project on healthcare, finding better ways to support people more holistically. While my current focus is on health, I’m eager to explore and share the stories of the people and organisations doing something different in terms of engaging our younger generations more holistically into the realms of learning. It’s been forty years since I sat in a classroom, and back then, neurodivergences were not recognized. Those who struggled with traditional methods were often misunderstood and labeled unfairly. I’ve encountered many intelligent individuals who were misjudged simply because the system didn’t accommodate their learning styles. Today, we recognize that learning differences exist, yet many educational systems still rely on outdated methods. This raises an important question: When will we embrace a more inclusive approach that truly supports diverse learning needs? As we reflect on these issues, I invite you to consider your own experiences with education and the impact of outdated systems. How can we collectively work towards a future where every child’s learning style is valued and supported? How can we advocate for changes that will make learning more engaging and effective for all students? Your insights and actions could be key to driving the transformation we so urgently need. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Finding Balance: Making Big Changes Through Small Steps in a Complex Life, The Silent Wins: How to Acknowledge and Celebrate Your Growth, Leaders Who Walk the Talk and Are Interested in People and Self Empowerment , Crafting a New Vision for Healthcare: How Our Personal Journeys Shape the Future and Evolving Education. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  Juggling multiple roles can make life complex. As a mum to children who are growing fast and navigating the increasing demands of school with dyslexic challenges, along with their expanding social landscapes and issues, this alone can be time-consuming. On top of this, I’m managing household responsibilities, negotiating a new childcare contract, and balancing my own self-care while nurturing relationships. Adding to the complexity is my pursuit of a new purpose.
I’m about to embark on research for a book on re-imagining healthcare and will be working on a future project about education. I’ll be curating stories and experiences of those offering alternatives to government systems, looking for commonalities and inspiration for how we might address healthcare and education in the future. Balancing this with my existing responsibilities feels overwhelming, especially when immediate concerns demand my full attention. Right on cue, I listened to a powerful conversation between Tami Simon and Otto Scharmer, addressing both personal empowerment and urgent societal changes. Their podcast, What Future Is Wanting to Emerge Through You? posed a profound question: “How do we move from just reacting against the issues of the past, toward sensing and actualising the future that is wanting to emerge?” In my world, this question translates to: “How can I contribute to evolving the world while managing all my current responsibilities?” Tami Simon, founder and CEO of Sounds True—one of my favorite publishing houses—and Dr. Otto Scharmer, a senior lecturer at MIT renowned for his Theory U framework, provided insights that made listening to their discussion a must. Theory U guides individuals and organisations in moving from existing patterns to emerging future possibilities. I’ll admit, I’m not much of an academic, and I often find theoretical discussions full of jargon challenging. However, Dr. Scharmer’s work on leadership, big-picture change, and tapping into emerging possibilities was so relevant that I paid close attention. In their conversation, they discussed key ideas including:
They also emphasized creating spaces that encourage positive change, focusing our efforts, the role of relationships, and the importance of deep listening and awakening the human spirit. These ideas offered a helpful perspective on how to navigate the complexity of my life:
My biggest take away was that small, intentional actions can lead to big changes over time. Dr. Scharmer emphasizes that transformative work doesn’t always (and, in fact, most often doesn’t) require grand gestures. Instead, by focusing on small, meaningful actions, we can make significant progress over time, aligning our daily efforts with our long-term goals. For those of us navigating complex lives, these principles can be transformative:
As you reflect on your own aspirations and responsibilities, consider how these practical steps might fit into your life. By applying these principles, you can manage your day-to-day challenges while steadily advancing toward your larger goals, creating a harmonious balance between current needs and future possibilities. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Learning the Fundamentals of More Healthy and Balanced Relationships, The Art of Learning to Have and Hold Boundaries Healthily When Healing From Trauma Responses, Navigating Life's Balancing Act Authentically with Pink and Intuition, Finding Your Balance and From Endings to Beginnings: Let Go to Embrace New Possibilities. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  It has been thirty years since I was diagnosed with panic disorder; it was a major turning point in my life for many reasons. I was fresh out of university, struggling to find my path in life. Juggling three jobs, I was involved in an unhealthy relationship, after having my heart broken the year before, and had been involved in a car accident that led to another critical experience in my life on the witness stand in court.
One day, while sitting on a bus en route to meet my boyfriend at the time, I experienced (what I now know to be) a severe panic attack. I felt like my heart was going to explode and there was a vice-like sensation around my head. Desperate for air, I got off the bus and walked several miles to my destination. This episode left a lasting memory, particularly of lying in a cold dark cupboard at my boyfriend’s office for two hours before he could leave work. Once home, I was in bed for days with chest pains and nausea. Trips to the doctor resulted in misdiagnosis and multiple courses of antibiotics, leading to bouts of candidiasis. I was at home for months, with very low energy and unable to work because every time I ventured out anywhere significant I’d get these episodes like I’d had on the bus. Without the internet, I turned to self-help books and tried an anti-candida diet inspired by Dee McCaffrey’s work on nutrition. I had wondered whether I might have myalgic encephalomyelitis (ME), otherwise then known as chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS), which is a serious and often long-lasting illness that keeps people from doing their usual activities. A significant breakthrough came when a psychiatrist finally diagnosed my panic attacks. As I reflected on it back in 2019, in Want Better Health? Be Shrewd About Stress, this was back in the early 1990s, panic attacks were often dismissed as overreactions. And while ME and CFS are now recognised by the World Health Organisation, both being classified as diseases of the nervous system, neither were recognised as illnesses back then by “orthodox” medicine, and the psychiatrist had been rather scathing about this despite noting I was “clearly highly intelligent”. Nevertheless, I discovered Christine Ingham’s book Panic Attacks which explained the anatomy of panic attacks and how to invoke the parasympathetic nervous system to switch out of fight-or-flight mode, leading to my recovery. I still recommend that book to others today. Following my diagnosis, there was a trail of correspondence between the psychiatrist, the referring doctor at the hospital, and my regular doctor and I. As I wondered this week whether the impressions I was left with from that time reflected the reality, I dug out the correspondence and ran it through an AI engine, asking for an impression of the attitudes involved as a neutral observer. Overall, it pegged the psychiatrist as being critical, judgmental, condescending and dismissive, with implied superiority. However, while I took it entirely personally at the time, I think the psychiatrist’s derision was pointed partly at the referring doctor (to whom his letter was written) for encouraging any notion of ME. He had taken “the unusual step” of copying me in, in an attempt to improve communications between me and my various medical advisors”. Unsurprisingly, it actually achieved the opposite. Given that correspondence and my regular doctor’s response – which the AI noted as having an offhand attitude and making condescending remarks – I hadn’t been left with a false impression all those years ago. It fuelled an even greater determination to manage my own health, and out of it was born a stronger advocate for a more holistic approach to health. This remains my attitude, but with it now is the desire to create a vision of a different future. It’s funny to think that the prevailing attitude I came across 30 years ago is but just a moment in time. What we think of as standard medical care changes constantly. My daughter was asking about convalescence hospitals, as there are a few old ones, now museums, which can be visited around New Zealand. In my parent’s era, it was more common for people to be sent to one of those, rest and fresh air were a common prescription (and still the most sensible in many cases) but these days it’s all about micro surgeries and being in and out of hospital and back at work as fast as possible. Nick Polizzi’s docu-series Remedy presents quite a compelling and concise history of healing that also explains why so many of us are feeling polarized around (what we refer to as) the conventional healthcare system in the western world. For many, it just isn’t cutting it. So what is the alternative? It is a topic close to my heart. In the decades since that diagnosis I’ve been researching many aspects of health and healthcare in order to manage my own health and, in more recent years, that of my children. Much of the last decade has been focused on raising them and learning more about developmental and inherited trauma, as I applied this to my own healing. I started my kids on homeopathic treatment at age 4 and 2. Before this, both had multiple prescriptions for antibiotics, but they haven’t needed any since. My children are also no strangers to chiropractic care, predominantly to maintain a healthy nervous system, which also affects the immune system, and to ensure proper posture to prevent future issues. They are chronically out of alignment from sitting at school desks all day and using devices at other times. Overall though, apart from seasonal colds and flus – which are part of the body’s natural process – their health and well-being have greatly improved from a more holistic approach. Along the way I’ve tried and come across many alternative approaches to health, and it’s the stories of those practitioners and their clients that interest me. I am in the process of starting to more formally research the varying approaches to healthcare around the world, in Western societies and beyond, to curate stories, investigate similarities and weave together the commonalities and create a vision for our future healthcare. Imagine our current orthodox healthcare systems as a building on the right. I’m not interested in taking on that renovation project. Instead, I envision drawing a picture of an entirely different building on the left and bringing it to life with stories of places that already embody this vision. I see myself bringing people together, weaving ideas, spotting patterns, collaborating, and lending insight through my writing. Reflecting on my journey, I’ve recently realized just how my career and life experiences have uniquely equipped me for the task of researching and creating such a vision. My background in driving sustainable strategic people change, managing large teams and complex projects, and aligning business objectives with cultural transformation has provided me with invaluable skills and insights in understanding what it takes to create systemic changes. I’m always interested in people’s stories, and I’d love to hear from you if or someone you know can point me in the direction of people and organizations out there who are doing things more holistically. If you have a story to share or an organisation you admire for its different approach, please get in touch. Let's weave together a vision for a healthcare system that truly serves us all. In my 2019 article, I emphasized the importance of taking personal responsibility for our health. There isn't a one-size-fits-all solution for everyone; instead, we each need to find what feels right for us at any given time. I echo the same now. I encourage you to reflect on your own journey and consider how your experiences have shaped your approach to health and well-being. What insights have you gained along the way? How have these experiences influenced your understanding of what it means to live fully? Share your stories and thoughts, and let's learn from each other's paths as we work towards a more holistic vision for our future. Embrace life fully, recognizing the finite nature of our time here, and reclaim your power—your autonomy over your body, mind, and spirit. By doing so, you can live more authentically and richly. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Listening to the Signs – My Road to Health, You Have Amazing Options When it comes to Healthcare, Tuning In to Our Children’s Health (page 64) and Wake Up to the Truth About Healthcare and Healing. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  When Evette Rose first asked me, "Do you know how to have boundaries without having to fight for them? And how to have peace, respect, love, and support without fighting for it?" I didn’t know the answer. I have kept this question close ever since and can now honestly say, "Yes."
Over time, I've learned to maintain my boundaries without getting overly triggered, even when dealing with people who disregard them. This has been mentally taxing, perplexing, and oftentimes frustrating. However, I now have the experience of holding my boundaries without triggering my prefrontal cortex to shut down, inducing mental paralysis and panic. This has reduced my stress and allowed me to remain calm and clear-headed. Sometimes we can walk away from boundary violators, and sometimes we can’t, making it critical to learn how to navigate holding our boundaries, even if that means going through a legal process. Lawyers and court systems are not my favorite arena. In my early twenties, I experienced a car accident caused by a driver who fell asleep at the wheel. The driver denied causing the accident, leading us to court. I was naïve, believing that simply telling the truth would suffice. The driver was dazed and didn’t offer much at the scene; he had driven straight over the central line, glancing off my car and crashing into the one behind, causing it to flip. We were stunned when he denied causing the crash. I remember us all sitting in one of the waiting rooms to be called one at a time to the witness stand. Then came the moment when the driver’s lawyer, with his funny little wig you see in British TV dramas, looked at me and said with conviction, “I put it to you, Miss Keachie, that you were the one who crossed the central line and crashed into my client.” I was momentarily stunned, then enraged. My mum had taught me nothing if not to be honest. That lesson had been locked in many years before. Facing the consequences of my actions isn’t something I’d shy away from; I learned from an early age to own my actions. To have this guy accuse me of the very thing he had done was infuriating. I think I responded with great indignance, that indeed I had not lost control and driven on the wrong side of the road, but I threw in a profanity for emphasis and got reprimanded by the judge, which then put me in freeze mode. It turned out that the guy was training to be a driving instructor, and his conviction would end his career before it started. In order to get what he wanted, he saw no harm in accusing others of his own behaviour. Clearly, he was not brought up by parents like mine. I have to say, I’d rather be honorable, so I am glad they taught me to be that way. Naivety, though, was a lesson life has since shaken me out of. There have been a couple of other occasions where I have found myself getting activated within the legal system, but it’s not the system itself; it’s how people often use it to exacerbate already stressful situations. Disputes over a deceased person’s estate, disputes over property, tax, land, custody battles—the list goes on. In my life, I’ve certainly come up against some very self-serving people. To be fair, I think we are all driven to be self-serving; it’s our nature. If we don’t put our own needs first, who will? What I’m referring to are those people who do it at the expense of others, like the driver of that car. They are the ones our nervous systems are supposed to alert us to, but many of us have maladapted nervous systems. Neural pathways begin to form in response to how well (or not) our needs are met in childhood, regardless of parents' intentions or love. Dr. Gabor Maté explains that children are inherently connected to their parents (or caregivers) for survival. Even small rejections can force children to choose between rejecting their parents or parts of themselves, as rejecting parents is not an option when we are little and completely reliant. Our set point of "safe" in the nervous system, the command center of a human’s fight-flight response, therefore directly relates to the home life we experienced growing up. For those with overt abuse, trauma is easily recognizable. But even for many with seemingly normal childhoods, developmental trauma may still exist. This makes rational sense when you consider that, for a long time, the focus of child-rearing has been on teaching children to be good and fit in. While important, this should come after establishing a healthy sense of self and safety, which is often overlooked. Common occurrences like leaving a baby to cry or forcing a child to eat on a schedule can feel rejecting to a child. While such treatment might make an adult feel isolated and unimportant, for a dependent child, these experiences can be profoundly devastating. Repeated instances can lead to developmental trauma, resulting in emotional overreactions and nervous system dysregulation in unrelated situations later in life. More critically, these early experiences can instill unhelpful belief patterns such as "I’m unworthy," "I’m alone," "I’m powerless," "I’m not wanted," "I don’t belong," and/or "I’m worthless" to name a few. This often manifests as inherited patterns of behavior. James Redfield's "The Celestine Prophecy" describes four archetypal control strategies parents employ: Intimidators, Interrogators, Aloofs, and Poor Me's. These strategies perpetuate unhealthy patterns unless the cycle is broken. Addressing these patterns is crucial for personal growth. It’s these "normal" patterns that the legal system can exploit, profiting from dysregulated people chasing "justice." However, with self-regulation, one can navigate legal conflicts more calmly, even if they need a mediator to do so. To be fair, it would be hard for a mediator to help someone change a lifetime pattern of dysregulated behavior just to navigate one conversation. That is actually our responsibility, but mediators are taught methods that try to keep to the facts and take as much of the emotive reactions out of it as possible. For those interested in learning how to heal their nervous system, I discussed this more in The Path to Purpose and Clarity: How Healing Transforms Your Career Goals. It’s not an overnight job, but it’s worth the effort. In fact, it may even be your purpose in being here, to break those patterns in your family chain. But what I find interesting as I contemplate navigating the legal system once more is that there have also been times when I’ve done this with reasonable people. What was involved in those situations wasn’t any dispute; agreement had been reached without any huge emotional upheaval, and the legal system was, in fact, a series of cogs and wheels to navigate with form filling and following a set process, providing the right paperwork and fees, and so on. Now, when I think of Evette’s question, "Do you know how to have boundaries without having to fight for them? And how to have peace, respect, love, and support without fighting for it?" I understand that it doesn’t mean capitulating to boundary violators for peace. There is no peace in that. I have enough love and respect for myself to know that sometimes further action is required. Even if someone tries to create a fight, remember it takes two to have one. With my nervous system now in a healthy state, I trust that I can navigate even the legal system with patience, calm, and ease. Reflecting on these experiences, I've come to realise that maintaining boundaries and seeking justice doesn't have to be a combative process. It requires self-awareness, emotional regulation, and the courage to stand firm in our values, even in the face of opposition. Given that this can be an emotive topic, keep in mind my reflections are primarily a means for my own reflection and personal journey of self-growth, shared in case they resonate as opposed to being a strategy or a tool to influence others. As we navigate our own paths, it's important to ask ourselves: How can we create and uphold our boundaries in a way that promotes peace, respect, love, and support without resorting to conflict? Can we find the strength within to transform adversarial encounters into opportunities for growth and understanding? Embracing these questions can guide us towards a more harmonious and fulfilling journey, where our personal growth and the holding of boundaries are intertwined with compassion and self-awareness. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Normal Is Dysfunctional That Is the Growth Opportunity, What Is Holding You Back? Reclaim Your Worth, Your Love, Your Power, Do You Yearn for Better Outcomes? First Commit to Observing Your Reactions, Put Mature Parts of You in the Driving Seat for Better Results, Why Being Passive Can Be Powerful and Shine Your Inner Light - Let No One Keep You Down. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  “The more specific we are, the more universal something can become. Life is in the details. If you generalize, it doesn’t resonate. The specificity of it is what resonates” — Jacqueline Woodson
For years, I struggled to get specific about my career goals. I always felt a vague sense of wanting to do more, a purpose that seemed just out of reach. Despite having diverse experiences, I couldn’t pin down a clear direction. I read countless books and completed numerous questionnaires, striving to move beyond the nebulous desire to "evolve society". Even while helping others define and achieve their career goals, I faced my own challenge. A mentor once pointed out that my struggle might stem from a lack of confidence, exacerbated by poor boundaries and a harsh inner critic that left me feeling exhausted. She suggested that my energy was blocked by unresolved trauma and boundary issues, and that I was still fighting old battles. When she asked if I knew how to maintain boundaries without having to fight for them, I realised I didn’t. Despite having practiced boundary-setting extensively, I still needed deeper emotional healing. My nervous system, deeply ingrained with old survival responses, was not yet convinced it was safe to let go of its defensive stance. So I put in the work, the work to heal my nervous system. It’s not easy, and I needed help. There are many ways to achieve what I wanted to. Here are some of many examples:
Alongside many of these, I embraced nature, supportive relationships, art therapy and journaling. For me, a blend of these methods was transformative, with the Metaphysical Anatomy Technique by Evette Rose proving especially impactful. It was through this technique that I finally began to regulate my nervous system. I am now able to step back and think strategically again in triggering situations without getting thrown into a swirling vortex of panic and stagnation. "I was life a prisoner emerging from the dungeon into the sunlight. I expanded into the space of my own life" Tilda Swinton, 3000 years of Longing Released from the cycle of fight, flight, freeze, and fold, I could finally see what had been before me all along. I realised I yearned to contribute to conscious evolution through my skills in writing, coaching, and deep personal understanding, ideally in a collaborative, non-corporate setting where authenticity and growth are valued. Inspired by Sarah Durham Wilson’s work, I resonated with advice like surrounding myself with supportive, like-minded people and seeking out communities, organizations, or initiatives focused on conscious evolution and authentic living. But, more than any other is was these four questions that finally unlocked what had been there all along.
Funnily enough I knew as soon as I read them, answering those questions would unlock something in me, but I’d been avoiding doing that for months. I just wasn’t ready, I was healing. But one day, not so long ago, I sat and wrote out those answers, and found that illuminated the next steps for me. I then sat down with ChatGPT and I gave it my whole career experience and asked how my history has uniquely positioned me to make the contributions I want to in life, and in the blink of an eye it was busy telling me quite clearly how my life and experiences have equipped me for the road I want to take. The path to clarity and purpose isn't always straightforward. It often requires confronting deep-seated fears, healing old wounds, and exploring various modalities of support. Through my process, I’ve learned that specificity in our goals comes from understanding ourselves at a deeper level, including our needs, values, and boundaries. Jacqueline Woodson's words remind us that the details matter; they’re what make our personal narratives unique and universal. Just as I found my clarity through a mix of personal healing and reflection, you too can uncover the specifics that resonate with your own life. I encourage you to take a moment to reflect on your journey. Your contributions are valuable, and the world needs your authentic voice and experiences. Ask yourself: What does your ideal contribution to the world look like? What impact do you hope to make? Who do you want to help? And how do you want to spend your days? Remember, the journey to understanding and aligning with your true purpose is ongoing. Embrace it with patience and openness, knowing that each step you take is a part of your meaningful journey. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Embrace a Purposeful Life to Move From Anxiety to Absolute Authenticity, The Art of Learning to Have and Hold Boundaries Healthily When Healing From Trauma Responses and Take the Quantum Leap: Nurture Your Creativity and Intuition to Craft a Life of Purpose. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  Recently Evette Rose said to me “Take in the milestones you’ve achieved”. This reminded me of Sarah Durham Wilson’s work, which I revisited recently, and was struck by two key points: the importance of speaking to myself with kindness and compassion, and celebrating the wisdom and strength I've cultivated from my experiences.
Anyone who has transitioned from paid work to parenting knows the immediate challenge of tracking productivity in a traditional sense. However, this isn't just about parenting; it's about the myriad of life experiences that shape us, often without us noticing. These changes can be slow and incremental, only evident in hindsight, or sudden events that alter our world overnight. In our daily lives, we often fail to take stock of the progress we make and give ourselves credit for our achievements. Friendships that become invaluable, which take time to nurture and cultivate, health issues that profoundly affect us, travel that broadens our perspective, and the death of loved ones that shape us in unpredictable ways—all these experiences and more contribute to our growth. Reflecting on Sarah and Evette’s words, I thought about my life over the past ten years since leaving the corporate world. Child-rearing has been a significant part of this journey, a long game with the goal of raising children who express themselves authentically, have good boundaries, respect others' boundaries, and can live independently by adulthood. Until they reach milestones where more of the world rushes in to meet them - like going to high school, going into higher education, starting work, moving into their own places, navigating relationships and so forth - there’s not such a solid sense of how they are learning to hold themselves in the world. But there are many small moments of achievement along the way, from a child's thoughtful gesture to their creative expression, or mature handling of a disagreement. In fact, in every day, there’s often something that – if I’m looking – I can catch them doing right. That is not something that comes naturally to me, but I think it’s important. Recognising these milestones in our children is crucial, but so is acknowledging our own progress and growth. This self-recognition is not arrogance, arrogance has its base in superiority, it’s a comparison with others, whereas self recognition is to give yourself credit for what you have achieved relative to the person you were yesterday, or last week, or last year, and last decade etc. Prior to having children, my career had been in the field of transformation, which – a bit like parenting - is also a long game. But the rigors of corporate life, with regular performance reviews in place, forced me both to set goals and to work with my own teams and their departments to set goals and review progress also. The bottom line is that – when I had to – I took stock and tracked my achievements. It did make me realise, though, that the time spent hadn’t been wasted and that everything I think or do has a cause and effect in my life. Inspired by Evette and Sarah’s words, I started to write out all the things I’d been doing in my life in the last ten years. I’m not sure I saw them as accomplishments, but I realised there’s been some quite profound personal growth and healing, innovative parenting in education and healthcare, establishing a business, publishing quite a body of articles on personal growth and trauma, navigating several hefty and significant life transitions, including the death of my mum and several close family members, and have cultivating a vision for future projects. Updating my resume used to be a painful process, requiring me to dig really deep to be able to articulate my achievements and market myself authentically. This time I fed my experiences into an AI engine, which structured it for me beautifully. In summary it read “These accomplishments reflect a blend of personal resilience, professional expertise, and deep commitment to personal growth and societal contribution”. While these words feel like they might describe someone else, I’m learning to embrace them for myself, recognising the gap between my perception and reality. I am taking that in; because that is the gap I want to close. Taking time for self-recognition and pride in my achievements has helped me see how my past experiences have uniquely prepared me for future goals. Something I know we have all contended with, which highlights our resilience and adaptability, were the not insignificant challenges of the COVID19 pandemic. This included lockdowns, restrictions and varying degrees of polarization within families and societies, quite aside of the effects that the virus itself may have had on you and yours personally. What else are you not giving yourself credit for? What gains and growth have you accomplished that deserve recognition? How might acknowledging these achievements boost your confidence and shape your vision for the future? Your story is unique, and every step you’ve taken matters. Celebrate your milestones and let them guide you towards a fulfilling and empowered future. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy From Armor to Empowerment: Softening into Strength Through Self-Kindness, The Soul’s Yearning – How to Recognise Your Inner Work, Celebrate Often the Ways in Which You Are More Than Good Enough and Focus Not on What Was Taken but Embrace What Was Given. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. The Art of Learning to Have and Hold Boundaries Healthily When Healing From Trauma Responses7/7/2024  Emerging from years of work to change old patterns is a fascinating and often frustrating journey. These patterns, which once served a rational purpose, can become maladaptive as life evolves. For years, my wiring often led me to initially take a passive approach, expressing my feelings only when reaching a tipping point.
Anger fueled my confidence in speaking up, as did a sense of injustice or speaking on behalf of others. In nervous system terms, this is known as the fawning and then fighting responses. While I have been working on speaking up earlier and expressing boundaries more clearly and calmly, the “how” often catches me out; anger and injustice are hard habits to kick. Several insights resonated with me this week:
Seeing boundary-setting as an act of nurturing my own well-being and the health of my relationships has certainly been pivotal. It has involved healing a lot of old trauma, which has led to many changes in the landscape of my life—in terms of who is in it, where and how I live, and many other factors. But I wondered, “How does standing down marry up with asserting boundaries?” Over time, I’ve learned a few key strategies:
Letting Go of Control and Embracing Softness Letting go of the need to control every aspect of my environment has been another important lesson for me. I have a tendency to micromanage, which is a trauma response that arose out of a need for control. It was my safety strategy. However, it is also true that my authentic self does not like to be controlled by anyone, and this independence has been integral to my growth, expansion, and success. So, it’s about not throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Rather, my learning now is about receiving and easing into my softness while also maintaining my independence. My aim is to trust that things can unfold naturally without my constant intervention. I’m learning to be gentle with myself, understanding that shifting from a defensive mode to a more relaxed state is a process, and it’s okay to take it one step at a time. Here are some of the strategies I use:
In embracing the art of setting boundaries while healing from trauma responses, and learning to relinquish the need for micromanagement in favor of embracing my softness, it’s a profound journey with lots of ups and downs, self-discovery and healing. It has taught me the importance of assessing situations calmly, choosing my battles wisely, and prioritizing my well-being. Balancing my independence while cultivating trust in others and myself, I continue to evolve and find balance. As you reflect on your own journey, consider the patterns in your life—how do you approach setting boundaries? Are there areas where you might benefit from letting go of control and embracing a softer approach? Challenge yourself to explore these questions, for within them lies the path to deeper self-awareness and growth. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy You Don’t Need to Be Perfect to Make a Breakthrough, Change Unhealthy Reactions, Parts Work and Its Importance to Your Growth, Heal Your Past Hurts To Help You Fulfill Your Potential, and Who Do You Need to Become in Order to Realise Your Dreams? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  I was listening to author David Whyte being interviewed, and he talked about a great many wise and profound things. As I was driving and he was being asked to talk to the pervasive anxiety that seems to be preoccupying people at the moment, I was struck by the truths in his response about the role of our devices in magnifying the peripheral mind, which literally grounds us to our physical proximity.
We’re lonely because we are not grounded and immersed in our physicality, which makes us anxious. The sky above us, the trees and people around us, and the ground beneath our feet are all things, when we are aware of them and engaged with them, help soothe our nervous systems and give us a gentle but profound sense of belonging, He believes that this lower grade chronic anxiety was then exacerbated during the COVID years, when there was so much physical isolation. He rather beautifully said that, when we are present in our environment, it invites us deeper into “the one that waits”—that subtle but intuitive and wiser part of us. This ties in wonderfully with a challenge I was issued this week, to live a purposeful life, because without presence life becomes driven by distraction and default rater than purpose. Leading a purposeful life means to engage in actions and make decisions that align with our core values, passions, and goals. It involves a sense of direction and meaning, where our daily activities contribute to something larger than ourselves. When we speak and act according to our purpose, it means we are authentically aligned with what really, truly is needed in that moment. Sometimes though, I find I can get quite confused about what is actually needed in the moment. This is predominantly because I’ve been on a growth journey to learn how to have and hold healthy boundaries, and I am acutely aware that when I am overthinking something, it’s usually because an old pattern is triggered. The advice I was given, is to really look at the core driver behind my thoughts. Are they healthy? Are they driven by unresolved stress (i.e. an old pattern)? Or is this a flat out boundary that needs to be expressed? The more I can align and discern that, the more I am going to understand more clearly who I am. Confusion, Evette Rose says, is a mild type of dissociation. So when I’m feeling confused, it’s a good time to step back and acknowledge “okay, this is a protection barrier, a default, coming up, because whatever I am thinking or whatever is happening right now is making me feel unsafe or vulnerable”. Then, crucially, ask yourself “Is this situation truly something that should make me feel vulnerable and unsafe?” If the answer is no, then it’s an old wounded part of me. Evette recommended that I love that part of me and tell her “We are okay, where we are today. I see you. You are back there in the past; come to me, because here we are safe. In the here and now we are empowered, things are going well, we’ve learned a lot and we are safe”. Something I’d been confused about lately was the next step to take with my property manager on a number of outstanding things around the property that I’d been expecting to see in progress. I had followed up asking for an update a couple of weeks ago and have heard nothing in response. The delays and lack of communication are particularly annoying as the plans and expectations about timing were set by the property manager and the owners, not me. Applying Evette’s advice, I discerned that it is the lack of updates when commitments are made and not followed through in the time indicated, even when followed up, which was annoying me; not the work itself. Considering that this is my home and the significant rent I pay to live here, it seems reasonable to be kept in the loop, especially if there are delays or changes to plans. In essence it’s a matter of basic courtesy and respect for me, a personal boundary. With this in mind, I made sure my follow up was clear that, because I haven't heard back after my follow-up email about the outstanding work, I'm consequently feeling a bit disrespected and losing trust. That is my biggest concern, not the issues themselves. However, the reason I've been overthinking this, is because part of me looks forward to owning a home again. My sense of insecurity is separate from the property manager’s responsibilities, but staying informed would certainly ease my concerns and give me comfort that I might get a decent heads up if the owner’s decide to retire here any time soon, as is their eventual plan. That is work I need to do with the inner part of myself, which needs reassurance and reminding that, right now, in this present moment, we are safe. And should we need to find another rental before we buy somewhere again, that will work out to, as I have the capability and resources. In navigating these thoughts and challenges, I'm reminded of the importance of living a purposeful life. Sometimes that can mean something as obvious as “Am I pursuing a purposeful career?” or “Am I acting on purpose in my parenting?” but sometimes it’s about the gnarly distractions of everyday life and how to navigate those. In each case, it's about aligning our actions with our deepest values and aspirations, staying present in each moment, and finding clarity amidst confusion. Whether it's facing uncertainties with property management or exploring inner growth, each step we take towards authenticity and alignment brings us closer to a life filled with meaning and fulfillment.Take a moment to reflect on your journey—are your daily choices and actions leading you towards a life of purpose and connection? If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Be Purposeful in Your Focus - Your Glass Is Actually Still Half Full, Presence Your True Needs, Talents and Desires to Step Into the State of Fullness , Take the Quantum Leap: Nurture Your Creativity and Intuition to Craft a Life of Purpose and The Alchemy of Mentorship and Self-Discovery in Unlocking Growth. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  Are you someone typical of being kind to others while being hard on yourself?
I was talking to a mentor of mine about easing into my softness - in relation to myself - and observing how my body responds. Immediately I thought about the Empress archetype in Tarot. Her feminine energy is able to flow through any situation without needing to use force. When the energy of the Empress is present things feel easy and enjoyable, without strain or excessive effort. And because you are relaxed and present, creativity can move through you. This was coming from a woman who combines the strength, confidence, and decisiveness of an alpha female with the nurturing, creative, and empathetic qualities of the Empress. This is a powerful blend that I think most of us would recognise as a powerful individual regardless of whether in a male or female body. I’m talking about someone who:
I recognised aspects of myself in this also, particularly in relation to certain roles I held at times in my career, and the way I bring up my children. My mind jumped to something I read about the metaphysical interpretation of soft skin a few years back, that our skin reflects who we are on the inside. At the time I’d never really thought of myself as soft in any way, such is the armour I’d developed. But then I recall a therapist once observing how it was funny that I was hard on the outide but soft on the inside, while my then partner was like a teddy bear on the outside but hard as nails inside. And then a conversation I’d had with my dad when the kids were younger came to mind, as he observed how he felt his role as grandparent (the good guy) was being undermined because I wasn’t playing the bad guy as their parent. Yes I had come to recognise these softer feminine qualities in myself. However, this is about nurturing me. She asked me to observe how I respond when easing into my softness, my beauty, my motherhood, when turning those things in on myself. That brought to mind Sarah Durham Wilson’s work on the archetypal journey from maiden to mother. Her teaching is about internal growth, self-responsibility, and embracing the full spectrum of feminine energy. It's about moving from dependency and external validation to internal strength, resilience, and a nurturing capacity that can then be extended to the world. Her focus is on healing the triple mother wound, which refers to a complex set of emotional and psychological issues that can arise from difficult or strained relationships with one's mother. It typically involves three main aspects:
The triple mother wound describes the complex interplay of personal, cultural, and ancestral factors that shape our experiences and relationships with our mothers. It highlights how these dynamics can influence our emotional well-being, sense of identity, and relationships throughout our lives. Addressing and healing these wounds often involves deep self-reflection, therapy, and sometimes, exploring family histories to understand and break cycles of pain and dysfunction. By healing this, we can reclaim our power, lead lives rooted in love, authenticity, and profound inner wisdom. In many ways this describes quite well the largest portion of the personal growth journey I’ve been on for a number of years. However, the challenge to turn that nurturing in on myself is still one that has holes. For example, when it comes to making time each day for self-care activities that nurture your body, mind, and soul, I’m doing pretty well. But when it comes to compassionate self-talk, I’m probably failing miserably. Developing a habit of speaking to myself with kindness and compassion, instead of self-criticism, requires more focus. My inner critic is probably on overdrive. And I can be hit and miss on many of the other things Sarah Durham Wilson recommends: reconnecting with nature, embracing the Divine Feminine, mending relationships with maternal figures, inner child healing, shadow work, creating personal rituals (that mark significant transitions or honor your personal growth), celebrating your wisdom, setting boundaries, seeking professional support, building a supportive community and pursuing passions and purpose. Honestly, some of these things I’ve done and do really well, others I’ve hardly looked at. And when I’m asked to observe how my body responds to easing into my softness, my femininity, well, that is hard on two levels. The first is that I’m still very new to observing what is going on for me in my body as opposed to my head. The body stores our emotions and any resultant stress, tension or pain. I’m one of those people who is learning to come into my heart from my head, so thank goodness for working with someone as transformative as Evette Rose. Evette is renowned for her transformative Metaphysical Anatomy book, methods and techniques. As an author, trauma release practitioner, and personal development teacher, she rather sublimely guides people through deep-seated emotional wounds, uncovering their life purpose, and achieving profound personal growth. To me, she stands out as the queen of 'going inward’ and observing the body, and I am incredibly grateful to have her profound insight and guidance at this point on my personal journey. As I navigate this journey of embracing my feminine softness and nurturing myself, I realise that, just as I've learned to celebrate the nurturing qualities I extend to others, I'm challenged to turn that same kindness inward. Perhaps you, too, find echoes of your own journey here. Are you allowing yourself the same compassion you give to others? Remember that our journey towards self-kindness is a work in progress, a continual evolution, filled with moments of insight and growth. Let's each find the courage to soften into our vulnerabilities, recognising the strength that comes from embracing our authentic selves. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Presence Your True Needs, Talents and Desires to Step Into the State of Fullness , Take the Quantum Leap: Nurture Your Creativity and Intuition to Craft a Life of Purpose and Embracing the Feminine within All of Us. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  As I was walking along the beach today, I started reflecting on the journey that brought me here, to this beach that I rate among the most beautiful white sand beaches in the world. It was 17 degrees, with blue skies and a calm ocean. The sun was glittering on the water as it hung low in the sky, a reminder that next week brings our shortest day of the year.
While my journey to New Zealand officially began with a decision on the opposite side of the world in October 2004, it was the beaches of my childhood holidays that ignited that longing within me. As the long nights and awful weather of autumn set in during the early 2000s, coupled with more rounds of delays on the railway lines and mountains of claims and complaints to process, I decided that enough was enough—I needed more sun in my life. Today, I appreciate the beautiful environment I have the privilege of living in. Every time I see the sun glittering across the waves, I can't help but think, "How lucky am I?" For those who read my musings regularly, it's clear that much of my focus is on personal growth and empowerment. It's about owning my thoughts and feelings and using them as pointers to what needs to be seen and heard. When unhelpful patterns play out in our lives, it’s a sign of deeper work that needs attention. As Tony Robbins says, "Energy flows where attention goes." That often presents a conundrum. It’s a fine balance between bypassing critical issues that limit our growth and putting so much attention on them that we manifest more of the issues we are trying to escape. On the one hand, it’s not healthy to “put a positive spin on things” if it means ignoring psychological or physical ailments. I saw a quote this week from Zara Bas that resonated deeply: "If you have to sacrifice your voice to keep the peace, it’s no longer peaceful. You’re internalizing the chaos instead." On the other hand, if I focus so much on the chaos, I know I’m just inviting more chaos. Striking a balance is crucial, and it can be more of an art than a science, especially if there are deep trauma patterns and ongoing chaos to deal with. That said, nothing is all bad or all good, I’ve discovered. Even in the extremes of life, we hear from survivors who demonstrate that amid atrocity, there often exists a seed of something else—something that shows us we have the capacity for both resilience and brilliance even in the darkest of times, perhaps even because of that time in darkness. Personally I think it comes down to a decision. Perhaps even a series of decisions, like this:
A couple of weeks ago, I came across a picture of the 1970s Holly Hobby wallpaper I had in my bedroom as a girl. That took me back to a time that is a huge contrast to the present. There is so much for which I am grateful, both in terms of the values and skills I learned back then and the experiences I had (like those holidays by the sea), through to the way my journey has evolved and the values, boundaries, people, and places that are now part of my day-to-day existence. What I have to keep reminding myself is to focus on and consciously appreciate the great things in my life, just as much as I value the lessons from the tough times. When I tune into my body, it’s not hard to tell when it’s weary or in pain. My job is to listen, to nurture myself, and to find the balance that keeps me thriving. So, what about you? Are you caught up in the chaos, or can you find regular moments to savour the good stuff? Take a hard look at your life—acknowledge the struggles, but don’t forget to celebrate the victories. Life is a gritty, beautiful mix. Are you appreciating your share of the good? If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Switch Focus to Get Unstuck, , Intention Is the Key to Transforming Your Life, Win-Win-Win Giving, Sit With Your Sorrow, Wait as It Reveals the Lessons It Offers and Your Childhood Is Not Your Fault but It Is Your Responsibility. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  I was doing an exercise as part of Evette Rose’s Healing Your Boundaries course, which asked us to write down a list of things we enjoy doing for others and a list of things we resent doing. As I started to contemplate things I do for others, I began to question if I enjoy doing anything. I know there are things I don’t mind doing, and I do them because they are reasonable and align with my deeper values around relationships. But enjoy?
There was also a section that dealt with overcompensated boundaries, where people say “yes” all the time regardless of whether they want to do what is being asked, and conversely, say “no” all the time without giving the other person a chance to explain what they need or what kind of support is required. Both are trauma responses, where we have learned it’s safer to say yes or no all the time to feel safe. It was interesting doing the course after first reading the accompanying book back in early 2020. At the time, I hadn’t even really begun to define my own boundaries, and I was not in a situation where my boundaries were respected, even if they were articulated. It was useful then, at the start of my boundary journey, to understand why I had developed into a fairly boundary-less giver. But it was extremely useful to go through the course again, after having done a lot more work on boundaries these last few years, and deal with all the negative associations I have, given my history as an over-giver. Then I read an article from Teal Swan on Empty Nesters which made me reconsider whether I might even be a natural giver, or if that was a trauma response from childhood. When I read, “Do you feel that you were called to be in a support role? To do all the things that parenting requires, such as caretaking, managing, relationship skills, organisation, focusing on others, structuring, communicating, educating, providing affection, anticipating needs and fulfilling them, behavioral management, supporting, guiding, protecting, nurturing, devoting yourself, etc.” I thought, “Mmm, do I feel called to that?” True, later in the article she talks about how one of the most common things to experience in this transition is tiredness, if not absolute exhaustion. She says that tiredness needs to be tended to, not bulldozed. Exhaustion is certainly how I feel, not just after years of parenting, but including parenting. Then I reflected on how I'm part of another growing group - the part-empty nesters. When the kids we cared for so much 24/7 are now living between two homes due to separation. Two houses, two different sets of values; one not fully recognising the need for their emotional processing. Courts, not trauma-informed, focus mainly on physical abuse and overlook other crucial aspects. Yet as a parent, we want the highest level of care for our kids, not just the minimal standard the system deems acceptable. Many of the points in the Empty Nesters article resonate with this situation, which is great. But there are also numerous other dynamics in "split living empty nesting": letting go of control, trusting in the higher plan for their life, teaching them how to self-manage at a much younger age, and dealing with resentment, exhaustion, trauma from the past, and overgiving, among others. Then I watched the movie 3000 Years of Longing and when I heard lead actress Tilda Swinton say "I was like a prisoner emerging from the dungeon into the sunlight. I expanded into the space of my own life", I knew that shaking off these negative associations with giving is what would make me feel this way entirely. I thought about my pattern of lifelong over-giving and something else Teal wrote: “For many empty nesters, their actual calling and actual purpose is to be in a support role. This is what drives them. It is what they can’t not do. Their purpose for being is to give their energy to something or someone that needs it and can take it and use it.” I also felt the familiar tug of calling when she asked, “The real question for you to answer is: Do I want to use these skills and be in a new and different support role? Do I want to use these skills I have on something new or not? What you have to offer is very much needed and very much matters. So don’t slip into the illusion that you don’t matter anymore. Different things are now in need of what you have to give.” Evette encourages us to focus on doing for others things that make us happy and joyful without feeling that we are losing our energy or time (they should energise us). She mentions how “Acts of goodwill should leave that warm feeling in your heart and you will know 100% that you don’t want anything in return. And even when you do these acts, always have boundaries with yourself, know and recognize your limits.” I recall flying back from the UK after a quick two-day visit to see my mum, who was in the final stages of cancer at the time. I was utterly exhausted. The kids were young then, and their nana was able to look after them for five days while I undertook the grueling journey. Yet, as exhausted as I was, I couldn’t help but want to assist a poor lady who had become very sick and disoriented somewhere after Dubai. It was the job of the flight attendants to help her, and they did, but she was on her own, so I sat with her and mainly just provided a sense of comfort in knowing someone was there and keeping an eye on her. As a parent of young kids, part of my job was often tending sickness. Having been badly let down at times by the medical system, I had educated and trained myself over the years in understanding how phenomenal a healer our own body is, particularly when we can calm our mind and emotions. I learned that there was generally no need to rush to the doctor at the first sign of a fever, nor vomiting, as both – while distressing – are usually healing reactions. The best thing we can often offer is a sense of calm and confidence to help someone regulate their nerves and let their body do its thing. As this memory popped into my head, a flood of others followed, and I recognized the truth in what Teal had said: “It is what they can’t not do.” This realisation prompted me to deeply consider my relationship with giving. Have I been giving from a place of genuine desire, or has it been a conditioned response rooted in trauma? Reflecting on this question has been crucial in my journey of healing and boundary-setting. I encourage you to take a moment and ask yourself: Is your giving healthy and joyful, or is it a reaction to past experiences? Understanding the nature of your giving can be transformative, offering you the opportunity to heal and redefine your boundaries. It’s an essential step in ensuring that your acts of kindness nourish both you and those you care for. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Win-Win-Win Giving, You Know What’s Best for You, So Stop Giving Your Power Away, From Lone Wolf to Team Player - Navigating the Symphony of Collaboration in Life, Devote Your Attention to Ways You Impact Others and How You’re Truly Treated and Normal Is Dysfunctional That Is the Growth Opportunity. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. Freddie Mercury, Live Aid, and Teenage Evolution: Reflecting on Change and Building Tomorrow6/2/2024  Watching the culmination of Bohemian Rhapsody, the movie, I was transported back to 13 July 1985 when Live Aid was played live to audiences at Wembley stadium in London and JFK Stadium in Philadelphia, which aired to millions of people around the world. An estimated 40% of the world’s population watched that day.
Queen stole the show, Freddie Mercury’s usual exuberant performance was entirely memorable in his blue jeans, white vest top and studded arm band; the movie did well to replicate the details. I knew all Queen’s songs well, my mum was an avid fan, and I vividly remember her exclaiming at his performance that day “look at that body (in its magnificence), he’s not gay!” The world has come a long way since. As my thirteen year old self sat glued to the screen, I remember thinking: • “of course he’s gay” • “despite the vigor, there’s sadness here” Perhaps this was a glimmer of the kind of intuition I’ve always taken for granted, perhaps it was just glaringly obvious. Certainly when Freddie and Brian May returned later in the concert to perform Is This the World We Created, the melancholy was palpable and well placed. Nostalgia washed over me as I thought about that summer. My thirteen year old self had just been abroad with our swim team, to Schweinfurt in Germany. We had driven along the fence lines that divided East and West Germany and, that too, had made me think about the privileges, inequities and bigger context of life. In the microcosm of my world, the swim team, my best friends and my on-again/off-again boyfriend were the central themes of my life. My parents were away on our usual annual vacation when I returned from Germany, so I stayed with my grandparents for a while. I remember that time with fondness, and a tinge of sadness, as it turned out to be their last summer (both died the following year). In a classic case of “you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone”, the dawn of my teens was, in many ways, idyllic and a time of huge change. And so it is now for my children who are moving into that stage of life. Going into high school is an adjustment from the relatively sheltered and wholesome school years prior. With tales from the playground of physical fights, bathrooms claimed by vaping and bullying, not to mention disturbing rumors of coerced acts shared online without consequences, the whole experience has proven more aggressive than anticipated. No parent wants this experience for our kids. In fact, despite the almost four decades that have passed and my own experience having taken place on the opposite side of the world, not a lot has changed in that regard. The exception to this being, of course, technology and social media. The microcosm of their world isn’t that different either, with life revolving around friends and romantic interests. But the wider world and its inequities are starting to enter the picture. And I am haunted by the chorus Freddie Mercury and Brian May sang at Live Aid: Is this the world we created? What did we do it for? Is this the world we invaded Against the law? So it seems in the end Is this what we’re all living for today? The world that we created How can so much yet so little have changed in four decades? We live in a world whose core systems and structures are still deeply flawed and bias. Schools have the same systemic issues, court systems remain oblivious to trauma (unless it’s blatant physical or sexual abuse), politics is a shambles, medical practitioners have become more squeezed in their ability to provide common sense health care, and the mentality now is simply to match a pharmaceutical solution to any ailment. And with the introduction of social technology en mass, our collective attention seems far too entranced by the readily dispensed dopamine hits that deliver yet another way for us all to tap out of being present to and addressing these systemic issues. Just as our teens are becoming aware of the privileges, inequities and bigger context of life, we seem to be providing more ways to ignore it all. Where is all this going to get us in another four decades? About eight years ago, with a young family at home, I had a magical evening that took me back to that time in my teenage years once again. When Queen toured with Adam Lambert in 2014, playing at Auckland’s Vector Arena, I was drank in every second of the sounds, atmosphere and energy. It was in fact the first time Queen had played in New Zealand since 1985, the same year as Live Aid. Although not a huge fan of reality TV, I had somehow come across the eighth season of American Idol back in 2009. Adam Lambert was the sole reason I kept watching, his vocal range and song interpretations were nothing short of exciting to listen to. Performing with Queen, Adam didn’t try to be Freddie, no one could be Freddie Mercury, but he was uniquely Adam, and played homage to Freddie in a way I think so few ever could. I think this is the key to change on a mass scale. It starts with each and every one of us being uniquely us. That time in my life was also a turning point, it marked the end of my corporate life where I had tried to be everything to everyone, where I had come to realise that real change and transformation comes from within. It was the beginning of the journey to me. I realised I might not be able to make change en mass, but I could be the best – and most authentic version – of me and I could hold the space in which my children could also be their authentic selves. I’ve discovered that many of the dysfunctional patterns I see in our world reflect the collective dysfunctional patterns within each of us, so through introspection and practice the things that are holding us back (and therefore hold our world back) can slowly be set free. The bad habits we have, the unhelpful patterns we repeat in relationships, our “not enough” or “too much”, our pain and guilt, our anger and frustration, all of it can be eased, stood down. Instead of building more walls it’s time to take them down, just as the Berlin wall came down four years after I saw it’s extended border, there are walls within us that were built to keep us safe once upon an time but no longer serve us. Just as Freddie Mercury's performance at Live Aid and my own teenage experiences offered profound insights, each of us has a past that holds valuable lessons. In a world where systemic issues often mask our true selves, embarking on a journey of introspection to dismantle the inner walls that hinder our growth can be invaluable. Real change begins within. By addressing what holds us back, we contribute to collective transformation. What significant personal and cultural events were happening when you were thirteen? How did those pivotal moments shape you? Are there unhelpful patterns and behaviors you still see repeating in your life? Ask yourself about recurring themes in your relationships, your responses to stress, and steps to foster authenticity. Embrace introspection and let it guide you toward a more authentic life, breaking down inner walls just as the Berlin Wall fell, to shape a better world for future generations. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Normal Is Dysfunctional That Is the Growth Opportunity, How Can I Create a Better World?, Who were you at 22…what advice would you give your younger self?, Leaders Who Walk the Talk and Are Interested in People and Self Empowerment and Navigating Life's Balancing Act Authentically with Pink and Intuition. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  Although I had done a lot of personal growth work in my earlier career, when I left the corporate world ten years ago I determined to figure out who the real me is. I’ve read a lot of books, attended some courses, taught myself a lot of techniques and taken advantage of every free master class that resonated.
That said, it’s been a time in my life where my focus has been primarily based on raising mentally, emotionally and physically healthy kids, so neither time nor money for personal growth were in ready supply. Despite these challenges, I remained resolute in confronting unhelpful patterns of thought and behaviour, determined to uncover my true values, needs, and desires, free from external influences. I wanted to know who the real Shona Keachie at my authentic core is. I have taken lessons from my past and, as I read this week, know there's a reason for every path we walk. Every choice, every encounter, every triumph, every defeat, every love, every loss, has a purpose. Whether it's to build strength, to inspire change, to encourage forgiveness, or to facilitate growth, it marks a stepping stone on our path of self-discovery and every turn we take is valuable in its own unique way. Recently, I have been reflecting on the transition from one life chapter to another, recognizing this as an opportunity for a significant energy shift. Sometimes in life, though, it can be extremely difficult to tell where exactly I’m going. It’s hard to see the forest for the trees, finding my own path can be a little difficult. And I need follow my own path, of that I am certain. To build momentum and navigate my path forward, I acknowledge the need for guidance and support from others. I have some great friends around me with similar interests and values, but I also know that reaching out for help at a time of need is nothing to feel ashamed of. It’s been quite some time since I last had a mentor, and right now I can use someone who is further along the path than me in living their passion. I understand I need a little help to evaluate my current situation and, while I probably have all the resources and capabilities within me to turn my dreams into reality, I could use a guide to provide insight. Then, after reading one of Santa Montefiore’s novels in which she wrote “Max reached out to the higher power he knew was with him on every step of his path and put out a simple request, one which, oddly, he had never asked before: Help me”, I put out my own request. Within a week, an opportunity arose to engage with someone whose work I have long admired, someone I never thought to approach individually As I questioned making this investment in myself, I realised that this is one of the few people I admire and would trust to hold this space for me. So I responded outlining my situation to sense check that this would be a good match and, within hours, I received a response that absolutely floored me with its razor sharp insight, articulating what I hadn’t been able to see quite so clearly from within the forest. I immediately recognized the truth in their observation that my uncertainty about my path stemmed from previously poor boundaries with others and myself, especially because that harsh inner critic voice drove me to exhaustion, and my career was what covered/suppressed its root causes. They noted my unresolved exhaustion trauma, stemming from past boundary challenges and connections with people, and observed that my core driver is internal struggle. Therefore my most toxic relationship is with that part of me, not other people, which is a survival response I no longer need, but haven’t yet felt safe to let go. While being of service (in a way that invigorates me while helping others) is one of my top goals, I do spend a lot of time ruminating about things that aren’t serving my highest purpose. This can consume my mental energy. And when they asked me to list my most challenging emotions, from most intense to least intense, again I could see just how much anger (at myself for allowing those boundary infringements) still exhausts me and how little there is left for creating the career of my dreams and for parenting. Having taken a somewhat anxious three and a half kilometer ride in a gondola dangling 330 metres above rainforest canopy last week while on holiday, it gave me a deeper appreciation for the value of having someone in my life who can not only see the bigger picture, but can help assuage my fears. Sometimes we just need help from someone more experienced. Going after our highest ambitions, desires, and potential isn’t a solo effort. Listening to Sah D’Simone talk about his new book Spiritually, We he quoted a story about one of the Buddhists, a very developed disciple, that asked Buddha, “Hey, how important is friendship on the spiritual path?” And he replied, “Friendship is the path.” That really informed Sah’s book, how much our relationship with other people (and how we relate to others and how we engage with others) really informs the depth of our liberation. So while I know a path will open up to me, one which gives me hope and excitement and the promise of something truly incredible waiting at the end of it, it’s not here just yet. First I need to clear my mental and emotional space, take care of myself, and regain my strength. Only then will I be ready to embark on the new path life has in store for me. Investing in someone with passionate energy and enterprising resilience, who has alchemised their past struggles into their greatest strengths, will also certainly help inspire these qualities within me, and then I will be better able to determine the most effective course of action. The final thing I read this week, which is related and really resonated, was “When you have planted a seed, it will take some time before it grows into a fruit-bearing tree. Earth is the slowest moving but most stable of the elements. They say that a watched pot never boils, and watched seed never seems to sprout”. This isn’t the start of the next best thing, this is the start of a journey along the path of my next chapter in life, and expecting to see the journey ahead would be unrealistic. It’s simply time to take the next step I can see. Seeking guidance is not a sign of weakness, but a testament to our commitment to self-improvement and authenticity. I encourage you, too, to reflect on your own journey. Are there areas where you could benefit from the insight of a mentor or the support of a friend? What steps can you take to clear your mental and emotional space, allowing yourself to grow and thrive? Remember, every path we walk has a purpose, and each step forward brings us closer to our true selves. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Finding Your Purpose – the Magic of Those Who Believe in You, From Lone Wolf to Team Player - Navigating the Symphony of Collaboration in Life, Believe In Yourself Even if You Feel No One Else Does and What Makes You Feel Uncomfortable and Is It a Growth Opportunity? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  “Speak your mind even if your voice shakes.” ~Maggie Kuhn Here is a post I wrote and feel honoured to have published on one of my favourite self growth platforms, Tiny Buddha. Discover my journey towards early assertiveness in conversations, sparked by a recent dilemma during my daughter's field trip planning. Overcoming past hesitations and fears, I learned to balance advocacy with relationship preservation. A poignant encounter with a struggling father reinforced the importance of self-regulation and assertiveness. Read how I navigated this path and why mastering assertive communication is crucial for personal growth and healthy relationships
 Many years ago an old mentor of mine told me I had to create space in my life in order for something new to arise. Today, as I drew the Death card (I draw a tarot card each day, it’s fun, and I take what resonates from its meaning) that again reinforced that endings are a natural part of life, and that it is time to let go of what is no longer needed in order to create room for the new.
Last week I had been reflecting on the changing tides of parenting. After years and years of being present, observing, noticing, experiencing, and managing my children’s lives, they are now in a phase where it’s time to gradually let go so they can be more consciously present, observe, notice, experience and start to learn to manage more aspects of their own lives. Additionally, the dynamics of split living and their father's preference for parallel parenting over co-parenting present their own set of opportunities and challenges. Despite the ongoing and time-consuming responsibilities in the coming years, including involvement in schools, healthcare, and other areas, the Death card reminds me to enjoy the new experiences that will emerge as the balance of responsibilities shifts from me to them, creating new space. It begs the following questions, which come when any stage in life is coming to an end:
Being on holiday without parental responsibilities (the children are on a separate trip with their dad) has given me that space to take a pause between chapters. The resort I’m staying in reminds me of one I stayed in with the children when they were much younger. As I watch families at the pool, it’s given me the time to reflect on that period of their childhood that was full of wonder but also – from a parenting perspective – rather intense. As has happened often in the past, it’s another point at which I can look at my children through fresh eyes and see that they are more capable than ever before, giving me confidence that the changing tides are indeed ones on which something fresh and surprising can arrive. In the last week I’ve consumed three novels, swam in one of the Seven Natural Wonder’s of the world, and spent a lot of time reflecting and relaxing in a beautiful place. At this time of the year Cairns is just the right temperature, with just the right amount of cloud coverage and, with great company to enjoy also, it’s been a beautiful retreat from the usual responsibilities of life. And I suspect the things I’ve been drawn to hold clues as to the possibilities that can arrive on changing tides. Out at the Great Barrier Reef I again experienced this sense of connectedness with all of life, and the impact and ramifications of human consumption and ignorance. But, in equal measure, I saw life’s ability to regenerate and thrive, and the absolutely stunning results of that. In a novel set in Auschwitz, written by Soraya Lane, I was deeply engrossed yet again in the ways in which people can rise to their potential in times of great trauma. This reinforced the message that the traumatic experiences I’ve had in my life are not in vain, they are a catalyst for something more, and something that can help others. And in another novel by Tracey Rees, one of the characters (Jarvis) asks the other (Gwen) “I don’t know why you’re so shy when you’re so articulate. Do you ever try writing? Like books and stuff?” She is so astonished to be asked and yet he says “Seems like you fit the profile. You’re good with words and you clearly love stories. You’ve got an imagination, and you don’t look like the world holds much interest for you, no offence”. Gwen is breathless, wondering if she really does fit the profile. “She loves books more than anything. She can never imagine herself being a go-getter, making money or selling houses o whatever normal people do…but in school her career’s advisor told her you can’t make money that way and you have to make a living…” While I don’t see myself as a novelist, I’m more of a memoirist, I notice my affinity with her thoughts, and suspect that the things I have been drawn to are providing clues; clues that aren’t yet definitive answers or firm footholds, but are definite signposts of interest. As this chapter of reflection draws to a close, I invite you to consider your own life: What endings are you facing, and how might you create space for something new? Are you flexible enough to let go of what no longer serves you and courageous enough to embrace the unknown? Reflect on the clues around you—they might just be pointing you toward a new and enriching chapter in your own story. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Take That First Brave Step Towards New Beginnings and Creative Energy, Even in Grief There Are lessons to Be Learned, Who Am I Now? and Take the Quantum Leap: Nurture Your Creativity and Intuition to Craft a Life of Purpose. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  As I write this, it’s Mother’s Day in New Zealand and yet my children and I are the furthest apart geographically we have ever been, on separate holidays. My kids are having a ball with their dad, and I’m having the first proper relaxing holiday I’ve had in many years.
Split living wasn’t something I ever envisaged, although it has its pros and cons like everything. In fact, I was just reflecting how I really didn’t envisage much at all and how many of my expectations about parenthood were really unconscious. I always wanted to be a parent, and to do the best job I could, but beyond the “meeting someone, falling in love and having a family together” cliché, I hadn’t really put in huge amounts of thought to the specific role each parent would play in our children’s lives. Despite growing up in an era where girls and boys were treated equally in many ways in the schooling system (we all did cooking classes and woodworking classes together, for example), there was the subtle yet powerful silent message that women stayed at home to look after the house and children, because – well – that is what the model was in the vast majority of households in 1970’s and 1980’s West of Scotland. I grew up in a large extended family and many of my cousins were ten to fifteen years ahead of me, it felt that most years our family would attend at least one wedding and/or christening. Whether to have children was never really a question in my mind as I held each of my adorable little first cousins’ once removed.That unique fresh baby smell, the fragility and innocence and joy wrapped up in a bundle that needed so much attention was a beacon to move towards from a time before conscious memories or deliberation ever kicked in. As I tussled with which direction to move in my career, wrangling at every turn as nothing felt like quite the right fit, there came a point among many questions, exercises and books that I drew out a map of my life. It was a long and winding road and I had been asked to make in moments and stages. I started at the end when I’d be a grandmother. That one exercise demonstrates to me that my having children was never a question. The “meeting someone, falling in love and having a family” part seemed more problematic. Now I know why, which is a whole other story which I summed up recently in Devote Your Attention to Ways You Impact Others and How You’re Truly Treated, we are not always attracted to compatible or healthy relationships. As I found myself on my third “live together” relationship, I again noticed how I was shouldering the vast majority of responsibilities in regard to running the house. With both of us working full time, I questioned why I was doing that but, suffice to say, didn’t do anything much about it. Therefore, despite all that had been said beforehand in the rosy glow of shared dreams of having a family, I also found myself shouldering the vast majority of the responsibilities in regard to bringing up my children. This is no surprise really and I remember when a colleague was basking in her rosy glow, and was making her partner pre cooked meals for the days she was going away on a business trip, telling her that she was making herself a metaphorical bed she’d probably come to regret lying in once they had children. The reality of having a baby is enormous. For a start, there is the sheer miracle of creation to start with. My children were pregnancies five and six, so when I finally sustained a pregnancy, that miracle felt very real as I watched a tiny human grow inside me. Then there is the birthing process which – despite women having navigated since time immemorial – is nothing short of remarkable. For anyone who hasn’t actually seen a baby being born in their presence, it is worth a look at a photo of a wooden dilation chart showing a baby’s head (tip use those words as a prompt to search for one), and then look at an image of a human female’s pelvic bone to get a solid sense of the challenge. All that was just to get to the starting line. Everyone told me how healthy breastfeeding is; no one told me that – at the outset – it would take up to ten hours of my day. Far less the wondrous world of “guess what baby is unhappy about”, which is the process of intimately getting to know whether our child is crying because it needs its nappy changed, needs fed, needs to sleep, is unwell or just needs comforted after its own rather traumatic ordeal of being born. To imagine birth, think of being nestled comfortably in a relatively quiet and dark space then, all of a sudden feeling yourself thrust from that down through a narrow tube contracting and squeezing, with a diameter just fractionally wider than your head. It's a remarkable feat of flexibility and compression, not to mention quite a traumatic experience that unconsciously lives on in our bodies. As our children grow and we become more attuned to their nature and needs, we notice patterns. When my teen daughter cries that I can’t possibly know how her body will respond to days of over exposure to social and screen time, together with a lack of sleep, I sigh inwardly. Years and years of being present, observing, noticing, experiencing, that is how mothers know. And for all that we know, we have to gradually let go and let our children be present, observe, notice and experience their own body, their own thoughts and their own feelings. Along the way they too will be no doubt be attracted to incompatible or unhealthy situations and relationships in a bid to get to know themselves. Because it’s in the contrasts of life that we grow. Not since infancy do we go through such rapid growth as in adolescence. As a mum navigating this time in my children’s lives, one of the hardest challenges isn’t letting go. In truth, letting go of the cumbersome impossibility of managing someone else’s life constantly is a relief. The hard part is not that, it’s that – in order not to expose our children to responsibilities they are not yet ready for – it has to be a gradual letting go. Let me give another analogy to get a sense of this. If I’m driving and become aware I need to pee, but there’s no toilet for miles, I hold on. Then I see a road sign for the next rest break, I am counting down towards it. Then I run to the loo, barely able to hold on, and there’s a queue. Suddenly I’m wishing I’d prepared myself for this better, had somehow been able to let go gradually. Letting go gradually is a unique mix of developmental stage and maturity, circumstances, and our own awareness of all these things and what they mean. And gradual isn’t like the steady running of a tap, it happens more in bursts or fits and starts. Add in the mix that I’m not the only parent, like all children, ours are the manifestation of two sets of genetic material and life’s longing for itself. While I've always been deeply involved in managing our children's lives and have developed a certain approach based on my experiences and insights, his involvement now comes with its own unique style and preferences. This is another learning process which can also be challenging to navigate, especially given his preference for parallel parenting rather than co-parenting. As I sit here on Mother’s Day, relishing my first day of a truly relaxing holiday, I can't help but reflect on the evolving phases of motherhood. Much like navigating through a series of twists and turns on a winding road, I find myself in a different phase now. My ultimate goal remains: to nurture authentic, self-respecting humans who can thrive independently by the time they reach adulthood. However, now more than ever, the parenting journey feels like adjusting the flow of water from a tap. While the tap is still firmly on, I'm being challenged to find the right balance and flow to suit our current circumstances while keeping an eye on the long-term goal. Perhaps as a parent you, too, have navigated twists and turns in your journey, discovering unexpected challenges and joys along the way. If you are not yet a parent, perhaps this will inspire you to do what I didn’t – and may have made my life a little easier – to get to know yourself, your needs, your expectations and your boundaries before becoming a parent. Either way, take a moment to consider how our experiences have shaped our understanding of parenthood and growth. Like the flow of water from a tap, may you find the right balance and rhythm to navigate the ever-changing currents of life. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Why Did I Not Know This About Parenthood?, Normal Is Dysfunctional That Is the Growth Opportunity, When Detours Define Your Destiny and Struggles Forge Your Strengths and Do We Need to Better Understand the Pivotal Role of Parenting to Evolve?. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  As I was driving home this morning, I noticed what a beautiful crisp autumnal morning it was. The sky was a clear blue, the trees were full of burnt orange leaves, alight in the morning sun and there was a low lying mist coming down from the mountains, laid on the foothills like a blanket.
For those in the northern hemisphere, in full spring, we are at very different places in our biorhythms for sure, with nights getting shorter instead of longer as they are here. Either way, seasonal change is upon us and, with it, an opportunity for reflection. As I was driving back home from the mountains to my coastal town, I was listening to Dr. Jude Currivan being interviewed, Her words, along with the breathtaking views of nature I was seeing all around me, reminded me that despite the different experiences we are all having, everything is interconnected none the less. While Dr. Currivan is a scientist - a cosmologist with a background in physics - and holds a Ph.D. in archaeology from the University of Reading, where she investigated ancient cosmologies – what I particularly love is that her work explores the intersection of science, consciousness and spirituality, emphasizing holistic approaches to understanding the universe. Although much of my interest lies in the microcosm of human psychology, I always view it in relation to our part in the bigger whole. So I was particularly interested when the podcast delved into the topic of conscious evolution; this refers to the progression of self-awareness over time. From single-celled organisms to complex human communities, each step signifies an increase in consciousness. This expansion of awareness extends from personal growth to collective, planetary, and universal levels. Just as individuals evolve through experiences and learning, so too does humanity and the universe as a whole. So as I was driving along appreciating how seeming small acts of self awareness can make a huge difference in the world, I was also reflecting on the workshops I have been doing this week with Kate Northrop. Many of the wonderful concepts she talks about in relation to money were timely reminders for me of things I learned in my twenties from the likes of Alvin Hall and Robert Kiyosaki. Back then I had begun to put many of the concepts - like offering more value rather than more time, and leveraging time and money to make passive income – into play, albeit I was still in an early phase of conscious learning. But between my move across continents to a country with a much smaller economy, and my focus on having and bringing up a family, I hadn’t thought about these principles in many years. But Kate’s work is now based on something she only really learned the importance of in 2019, and wasn’t featured in any of the work I read or did thirty years ago either. And there’s certainly no spoiler in sharing that her belief that a relaxed nervous system is key to abundance, as she has discussed this concept in her books, talks, workshops, and interviews. This is the same principle I’ve come to learn in my own work, and it has a universal application, it doesn’t just apply to money. But the beauty of Kate’s work is that this is where she goes deep with it and helps countless people break through their unconscious barriers in relation to this topic of finance specifically, so they are able to define and live the kind of life that is important to them. It was interesting reflecting on my own path to purpose, which really has never been clear to me, other than my desire for a family and a knowing that I wanted to be of wider service to the world. Money was never a focus, but I was aware enough of it to know I didn’t want it to be an issue either. I really only went to university because I had no better idea of what to do with my life at that point and, back in the 1980’s and early 90’s, the UK government was offering free education, along with grants for living expenses. That was followed by postgraduate study in what is now called Human Resources, but I was still none the wiser about what I actually wanted to do as a career. After a few years in the recruitment industry, I stumbled upon network marketing. In itself, it wasn’t for me, but it did lead to 7 years of personal development and growth on many fronts. As a consequence, I found myself drawn to customer experience roles. I was such a strong advocate for improving internal systems, processes, structures and cultures within organisations based on customer feedback that I won several awards, sat on various working groups, and many opportunities in that field opened up to me. After emigrating, I continued working in that field, but it soon became evident that transformation was only possible in organisations when the top decision makers were able to see the value of it to the extent of driving it or getting behind it themselves. Instead, in most organisations, customer experience transformation (which most substantively requires quite a bit in leadership training and development) is often seen as “nice to have” and transformation programmes are often cut in lieu of more short sighted goals. When I exited that kind of work to bring up a family, I knew it wasn’t a field I wanted to return to at that corporate level because it requires such intrinsic change. However, what the intensity of bringing up children taught me, was that the desire and intellectual know-how alone don’t create intrinsic change. Why? Because my own deep seated patterning kept tripping me up. As I’ve mentioned many times, for all sorts of reasons most of us end up with some really unhelpful belief patterns that get hardwired in there. Unseen, yet running the show: I’m not worthy, I don’t belong, I’m stupid, I’m too much, I’m not enough, I’m alone, I’m afraid… the list goes on. These arise in childhood before our conscious memories; they are our ways of interpreting the world depending on many factors, including our earliest experiences and our natural personalities. We aren’t aware that these are then hard wired into our neurobiology, our nervous system, and so our sense of felt safety and “normal” are set in relation to these. That means we may not always be attracted to compatible or healthy relationships – and that can include our relationship with money, health, sex, intimacy, people, fun, our confidence, and our connectedness with the world around us, among many other things. So when I think back to a time a couple of decades ago where I created a “root cause” field in a new system we were installing to track customer issues, I think that in my enduring intrigue around the human psyche (and search for something meaningful to contribute) I was always looking for the root cause of dysfunction – the “why” behind a lack of success in many things despite desire, goal setting and right action. And that is it. Listening to Dr. Jude Currivan discuss various big topics - including our interconnectedness with the cosmos, reframing the universe as a great thought rather than a great object, the significance of the laws of physics, the holographic nature of the cosmos, and the potential for conscious evolution - I can see the first steps are cultivating conscious awareness of our own dysfunction and sense of separateness. As we navigate our individual paths, let's remember the profound interconnectedness of all things and the potential for conscious evolution within ourselves and the world around us. Whether it's in our relationship with money, our partnerships, our parenting, or any other aspect of our lives, let's embrace the journey of self-awareness and growth as a pathway back to unity, belonging, and to achieving our greatest potential in all things. What small step can you take today to foster greater awareness and connection in your life? If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Embrace Your Evolution: Who Do You Want to Be this Time Next Year?, Embrace the Wonder of Your Senses Every Day to Embody Your Soul, How to Live in Conscious Self Awareness in the World, Trust That It’s Absolutely Okay to Not Know Where You’re Going and Normal Is Dysfunctional That Is the Growth Opportunity. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  “There’s a man out there who will tell you that she’s crazy, emotionally unstable, and aggressive. There’s also a man who will say he’s never felt more appreciated and respected, that she has created the safest space for him, and that being around her makes him feel nurtured, cared for, and at peace. Believe them both.
You get the woman you take care of, whatever you give her, she will reflect back to you. If you show up in confusion, gaslight her, or are hot and cold, of course she’ll seem like a lunatic. However, if you show up with clarity, know how to lead, and make this a safe space, you’ll see a totally different woman.” I read this quote from Chris Perry this week, and it resonated with me on a couple of levels. Firstly, because I’ve been both those women and, secondly, because I now know that I get to choose how I show up, regardless of who I am with. In our lives, we get to choose the people who are important to us. Unfortunately, because we don’t get to choose this so much as children and - and depending on the indoctrination we get around the role family plays in our life - it’s common to feel that there are certain people we are obligated to. But there are always choices, sometimes extremely hard ones. Whether we feel duty bound by marriage, birth, children or other reasons, we do get to choose how close we let others get, and our reactions. When Chris Perry says “whatever you give her, she will reflect back to you” I hear the truth in it, because life has shown me time and again, it will reflect back what I’m putting out and what I’m allowing. In terms of relationships, for all sorts of reasons most of us end up with some really unhelpful belief patterns that seem hardwired in there. Unseen, yet running the show: I’m not worthy, I don’t belong, I’m stupid, I’m too much, I’m not enough, I’m alone, I’m afraid… the list goes on. These arise in childhood before our conscious memories; they are our ways of interpreting the world depending on many factors, including our earliest experiences and our natural personalities. We aren’t aware that these are then hard wired into our neurobiology, and so our sense of felt safety and “normal” are set in relation to these. That means we may not always be attracted to compatible or healthy relationships. With chemistry running the show, many people often find themselves entangled with another person who – if they really could look at them objectively – shares many traits with the parent, sibling or other key person from their childhood with whom there feels something outstanding. It’s like a subconscious do-over, “if I can get this person (I’m attracted to) to love me, then at last I will feel complete and whole”. I have gone through many of these kinds of relationships in my life, resulting in a prolonged crescendo of something that was very much like the first relationship Chris Perry describes. Remaining in that relationship out of the aforementioned sense of obligation, I found different ways to cope at different times. In the main, I was so busy in my role as a parent, and on eking time out for self care (despite the aggravation it caused), that I managed to simply miss or ignore a lot of behaviours that I should have addressed. Often I was too distracted to pick up on a lot of things that were really unhealthy. I didn’t actually step back to take a look at the picture properly. And I didn’t want to, because I prioritized being able to bring up my kids and knew that, if I looked too closely, things would have to change. That decision was taken for me though, but by then I had done enough introspection and was far enough along the road as an observer in my life, to be able to take a really epic growth journey when moving on. I realised this week just how far I’ve come when I’d been deliberating over whether to and how to respond to a tricky communication I’d received. This contained some matters that did need addressing, while also muddied with some spurious statements and old arguments. I decided to cover those with an acknowledgement that it’s clear we maintain differing perspectives on certain matters, which is to be expected given our unique viewpoints and experiences. Brianna MacWilliam taught me a couple of years ago how to assess and heal my conflict style in relationships, to help stop a spiral before it begins. I am still in the phase of consciously applying what I learned; it hasn’t become my default yet, which is no surprise after a lifetime of reacting in other ways. The rest of my response I kept neutral, sharing facts and observations, and this can be hard work because my wiring draws me towards wanting to get on the battlefield and “stand up for myself”. Whereas, in this situation I’ve learned that the most effective way to do that is by ensuring my communications are devoid of judgments and emotive language, while sticking to the key points I need to address. Later that day I then drew a card (which I love doing each day as a way to connect with my intuition), it depicted a sword front and centre, with mountains and clouds below. On either side of the cross-guard hung two scales, equally balanced. The card, The Scales, is rich with imagery as the sword is adorned with a deep purple scarf wrapped once around the blade, as if caught flying in the wind from high in the east to low on the west, giving the effect of it wearing a sash. There is also a red thorny rose twisted around the hilt and blade. This card shows up in a reading when there is some doubt over the right course of action, or to remind us that what we do now will have an effect in the future. I was in no doubt the card symbolized the thorny interaction I had been deliberating, and confirmed my intuition in terms of dealing with it in a balanced way. It was powerful symbolism, one that will stay with me, reminding me to draw on my experience from past battles and make wiser judgments to pave the way for harmony. What has changed here is not, in Chris Perry’s terms, the way someone is with me. What has changed is the way I am in relationship to the people in my life. This is both in terms of how I treat people, and what I will accept from them. What about you, are there recurring patterns in your interactions with others? What beliefs or past experiences might be influencing these patterns? How do you show up in your relationships, and what impact does this have on the dynamics? By exploring these questions with honesty and openness, we can uncover valuable insights that guide us towards deeper self-awareness and more fulfilling connections with those around us. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy What Do You Want From Your Relationships - Time to Take an Inventory?, How to Let Go of Your Attachment to Your Feelings, Expectations and Beliefs, Embrace Your Authentic Self, Shed the Toxic People in Your Life, Intention Is the Key to Transforming Your Life and Normal Is Dysfunctional That Is the Growth Opportunity. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  This week I was reminded of Sir Ken Robinson’s infamous TED talk he did back in 2006 called Do Schools Kill Creativity? There was a story he told he’d told about attending his son’s nativity play years before and, when the little boys who were playing the wise men were asked what gifts they had brought the baby Jesus, one said “gold”, another said “myrrh” and the third said “Frank sent this” instead of frankincense.
While they all chuckled, he noted that the four year old was of an age where he still took a chance and gave it a go even although he clearly didn’t comprehend the word. It was Sir Ken’s observation that – while not meaning to say that being wrong is the same thing as being creative – what we do know is that if we are not prepared to be wrong, we will never come up with anything original. And he contended that by the time most kids are adults, they have lost that capacity; they become frightened of being wrong. He also noted that we run companies like this, stigmatizing mistakes, while running education systems where making mistakes are the worst thing we can do. The result being that we educate people out of their creative capacity. Prior to his death in 2020, after years as an educationalist, advising government and non profits, Sir Ken had been interviewed in 2019 and this remained his belief. As I thought back on my own childhood, at home there was a strong sense of morality, where wrong deeds were punished. I do also remember many arguments between all members of the family on “who was right and who was wrong”. And Sir Ken makes sense because being wrong in school meant more to me than just a poor academic record, it meant both overt and covert ridicule, wrath, punishment and a lot more besides. This goes a long way to explain a prevalent culture of fear about being wrong. While there may be consensus on certain rights and wrongs among humans and interacting with our planet and species, this is often taken to the extreme with win-lose conversations happening daily in relationships, household, workplaces and in our wider community. I was talking with someone close to me who runs a leadership development company, and one of their favourites is the Blanchard Conversational Capacity course that was inspired by and developed with Craig Weber and his book of the same name. In this sense conversational capacity is the ability to engage in constructive, learning-focused dialogue about difficult subjects, in challenging circumstances, and across tough boundaries. While it’s seen as an essential competence for both personal and collective performance, we were having a good discussion about the challenges in implementing such important skills. As someone who is deeply interested in and studies overcoming developmental stress responses and trauma patterns, and applying those findings to my own life, I know firsthand how difficult it can be to go against your wiring. I agree that when good skills are applied – even partially or intermittently - it can improve the quality of our conversations. But when conflict is perceived, even for those among us who did not suffer anything overtly and acutely traumatic growing up, this idea of it not being safe to be wrong is one widely hard-wired among us. When our limbic system assesses and responds to perceived threats (because our nervous system is overloaded), our thinking brain shuts down as a protective mechanism to keep us safe. Depending on our unique experiences as we grew up, the degree of the threat perceived in “being wrong” could vary from a subconscious generalised anxiety to something more acute, particularly if there are other current stressors in our life. The key to overcoming this is about learning how to remain present as an observer. And the key to this is some sort of regular contemplative or meditative practice that allows us to witness (rather than be completely identified with) our thoughts and feelings in real time, with curiosity. Practicing this on a daily basis is recommended. What I’ve witnessed in myself over the years I’ve been practicing, are the many layers that are tied into this. There’s the perfectionist in me who wouldn’t dream of speaking up unless I knew I was right, and the pleaser in me that wants to appear interested in people and knowledgeable about their subject and has therefore learned about a lot of stuff, then there is the part of me that seeks approval tied in, as well as the part of me that would hate to come across with any kind of superiority, and the parent in me who wants to demonstrate it’s okay to be wrong… It’s a long and winding road that led to the me that I am in my fifties, so patience is required in the unraveling. As things come up in my life, I realise constantly that I am a work in progress and – despite some really good work in recognizing and working on skills to create healthier patterns of thinking and behaviour- I am always recognising just how prevalent a lot of my old programming still is. This week I was also reminded of some of the Gottman work on relationships and communication. According to couples therapist Dr. John Gottman, the four behavioral predictors of divorce or break-up are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. Their destructive nature earned them the name The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in his work. Rereading that reminded me again of the ways our earlier patterning affects our present behaviour. One of my personal ongoing challenges is with sarcasm. Hailing from the West of Scotland, it was a common way of expressing oneself, and it perhaps doesn’t help that my kids are currently watching reruns of Friends at the moment so I’m constantly in tears laughing at Chandler’s sarcastic humour. But in terms of relationships, Gottman reminds us that using sarcasm is a common tool when someone is in a state of contempt, which can then make the other person feel ridiculed, because the aim of contempt is to make someone feel despised and worthless. Now I can honestly say that they vast majority of the time I use sarcasm, I am not doing so in a state of contempt. However, I have to be aware that if I’m using it to communicate with someone who happens to have a history of being on the received end of contempt, it can trigger all their old feelings of being ridiculed and treated poorly. Gottman also highlights that criticising is different than offering a critique or voicing a complaint (which are about specific issues), it is an attack on a person’s character. Again, another common overhang from childhood – anyone remember at least one teacher ridiculing a pupil for their incompetence, attacking their character rather than the situation or their behaviour? At best sarcasm is usually some form of pointing out a perceived error or wrong, whether self directed or not. And given the potential for entanglements in people feeling criticized or ridiculed it is probably best avoided. Through analysing the ways in which we commonly communicate, and observing our own triggers and patterns, we are then in a position to start practicing better skills. In navigating the complexities of communication and personal growth, I think that self-awareness and empathy are our greatest tools. Reflecting on our past experiences, acknowledging our triggers, and actively practicing better communication skills can lead to richer, more fulfilling relationships and a deeper understanding of ourselves. Let's challenge ourselves to embrace the discomfort of possibly being wrong, to “give it a go” and attempt to engage in constructive dialogue even in difficult circumstances, and to cultivate a culture of empathy and understanding in all aspects of our lives. By doing so, we not only honor our own journey of growth but also contribute to creating a more authentic, compassionate and connected world. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Mastering the Art of Inner Harmony: A Journey from Turmoil to Tranquility, Meditation 2.0 – The Road to Enlightenment?, Weave Words Like Wands - Confessions of a Sarcastic Perfectionist, What Makes You Feel Uncomfortable and Is It a Growth Opportunity? and Normal Is Dysfunctional That Is the Growth Opportunity. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  Lately I’ve become increasingly aware of thoughts in my head that just seem to be playing in a loop in the background; ruminating over my position on something deeply important to me. I know this has been a pattern for some time years and I started to get curious about the thoughts that had preceded these ones, at a time when this present issue didn’t exist.
There have inevitably been various forms of disparity with people who were in a position of influence in my life - previous bosses, colleagues, partners, friends and my parents. But I recognised that the prevalent narrative in my head goes beyond a healthy dialogue (and the thoughts that might lead up to that, or follow it) that takes place when people don’t agree. I tend to jump forward in my head, predicting the varying interactions, emotional reactions, arguments and possible outcomes and playing over past conversations in an attempt to prepare for these by playing them out in my head, sometimes for months. Then I came across an exercise I’d done a few years ago about my beliefs and – at the time – I’d written “Without approval (of those I care about) life is not worth living”. Wow, had I really believed that only a few short years ago? I suspect that belief was an upgrade on a previous belief which would have sounded far more like “Without approval (from anyone influential) life is not worth living”. While the thoughts themselves are logical and helpful should I ever need to have these conversations, the constant replaying of them, adapting them, honing them, is far less healthy. It is a sign of hypervigilance that needs addressed because the circumstances don’t warrant that level of alertness and attention. This points to old trauma and patterns of behaviour that would once have made sense, and supported my survival, but are now outdated. Ultimately about justifying my existence, my right to have my own opinion, needs, desires and so on. It’s as if I am unwittingly learning lines in a play that I might never act in, but by practicing so much I’m far more likely to attract and repeat these scenarios. Something else I’d written in my journal around the same time popped out at me: “The central tenet of my thoughts so far pertains to the arising of conscious awareness. Can people be regularly present with their inner thoughts and not experience the broader context of life? I would find that hard to believe. Regularly practicing meditation has brought me to that observation platform, firstly of my inner world and its self defeating programs as well as the capacity for change and transformation. Secondly, it has brought me to the doorway of everything else unseen that lies beyond. Energy, metaphysical, spirit, god, name it what you will, within it a certain truth exists that opens the mind to an inescapable truth: I am the creator of my own reality, as are you. It’s this idea, this knowing, I think that first has to reawaken. Once awake, once conscious of oneself and the oneness of all life, that is the point from which each person can start to look within at their own truths and guidance. It seems to me though, that while the greatest and most truthful guidance lies within us, it is almost universally subverted by the fears we have each learned on our journey. As we reawaken to who we are, there is work to be done to recognise and heal the emotional signature of self limiting beliefs (the emotional signature arising from our earliest memories stored in our bodies and subconscious minds).” It reminded me of an interview I’d listened to with Alexandra Roxo about her new book Dare to Feel, where she had come to similar conclusions. There are valid reasons why we sometimes guard our hearts. Yet when we keep them closed, we diminish our capacity to live life to its fullest. Alexandra Roxo has a gift for helping people "meet the difficult places" within us, to heal and open our hearts and "dare to feel" the emotions that were once too painful or overwhelming. She recalls the great teacher Sally Kempton, talking about how we need to have meditated for quite a few years to have a certain amount of self-awareness and the ability to have a witness mindset at the same time. This is where you have those moments where you’re witnessing, “Wow, I have fallen into the depths of shame. I’m [lying] on my bedroom floor crying right now. Wow, I’m very curious. I’m watching. I’m feeling.” And that’s not always possible to have that little bit of distance between us and our emotions. It takes a lot of practice. Alexandra feels that it is the ability to hold some sort of a witness mindset and state based on some sort of a contemplative practice, which then allows us to actually stay with the feeling. When we are just starting out on the path, we don’t have that. So we probably shouldn’t really dive so deep into things, into our feelings, or into some of these human parts, on our own until we have established that level of awareness and ability. So this was one of those moments where I’m witnessing “Wow, do I really think on some level that there’s a need to justifying my existence still with people who have an influence in my life?” For a start, I’ve done a lot of work on boundaries and juggling in my life in the last few years, in terms of who sits where at my VIP table. So many of the disparities that occur are between me and people who I know care about me, and hold my best interests as equal to their own. Occasionally I have to spar with people for whom that is not that case, and I recognise more clearly now that some people really do not care about anything other than their own opinions and desires, regardless of the cost to others. So I took my ruminating thoughts and looked at how it made me feel obsessively justifying myself like that – overwhelmed, unfocused, stressed, tired, pressured, annoyed, frustrated, provoked, let down disrespected, insignificant and anxious. And I looked at the kinds of feelings that would be counter to that – energetic, focused, excited, joyful, curious, empowered, trusting, peaceful, accepted, courageous, creative, valued, successful, inspired and proud. Then I thought about the people and circumstances in my life that evoked those feelings and it evoked memories of the people who had believed in me in some way, who have supported me, championed me, taught me and helped me progress in life. So now, as an antidote to the unhelpful, ruminating thoughts, when I consciously catch them, I’m taking the time to remember those others who believed in me, more than I believed in myself, and the feelings that invoked. And by – what feels like - some magical alchemy, this lifts the heavy feelings and I can breathe more easily and think more clearly from a healthy perspective. This is often referred to as cognitive reframing or cognitive restructuring. By intentionally replacing negative or unhealthy narratives with more positive, empowering ones, we can gradually rewire our brain to default to healthier thought patterns. The goal isn't to ignore or suppress negative thoughts and emotions but rather to acknowledge them and actively choose more constructive ways of thinking and responding. By examining our inner landscapes with compassion and curiosity, we can uncover hidden truths, release old wounds, and embrace the fullness of our being. Consider the beliefs, thought patterns, and emotions that shape your daily life. Are there any recurring themes or behaviours that might be rooted in past traumas or outdated beliefs? What steps can you take to cultivate greater self-awareness, emotional resilience, and inner peace? Perhaps, like me, you've found solace in practices like meditation or insightful conversations with others. Or maybe you're just beginning to explore these avenues of self-discovery. Wherever you are on your journey, know that each messy moment offers an opportunity for growth and transformation. May we all dare to feel, dare to heal, and dare to live authentically, one mindful step at a time. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Who Do You Need to Become in Order to Realise Your Dreams? , What Resentment, Frustration and Pain Have to Do With Your Boundaries, Who Are You? Introduce the Remarkable Human Behind the Roles You Play , How to Attract People Who Love You the Way You Are: Accept and Approve of Yourself and How to Fulfil Your Long Desired Yearning for Belonging. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  In the midst of life's chaos, finding moments of stillness to connect with ourselves can be challenging. We live in a society that glorifies busyness, making it difficult to prioritize self-reflection and mindfulness. Yet, it's during these moments of quiet introspection that we can truly tap into our inner strength and wisdom, especially in times of stress or trauma.
Someone asked me this week whether I had a regular practice that really allows me to be completely present, something where my mind becomes an open channel and my muscles dissolve, so I can be in a state of being versus doing, which is an open and expansive state. Often, achieving a state of inner peace through practices like meditation can seem elusive amid a myriad of daily responsibilities and societal pressures. The modern world bombards us with stimuli, leaving little room for quiet contemplation. However, even brief moments of mindfulness can have a profound impact on our well-being. Taking just fifteen minutes to sit still and focus on the present moment—whether it's the rhythm of our breath or the ticking of a clock—can help us tune into our guiding voice and cultivate a sense of calm amidst the chaos. But what happens when we find ourselves engulfed in the grip of stress or trauma? There are degrees of helpfulness I suspect, when practices that work well in the ordinary pressures of day to day life, may not be quite so helpful under times of prolonged stress or trauma. Renowned somatic therapist and author Dr. Peter Levine offers invaluable insights into the profound connection between mind and body in his work on trauma healing. He emphasizes that even if we don't consciously remember traumatic events, our bodies often hold onto the residual effects, manifesting as tension, chronic symptoms, or fears. Just as de-stressing does, healing from trauma involves more than just addressing the psychological aspects; it requires reconnecting with our bodies. I remember my chiropractor once said that, while my body might not be in an optimal state at all times, even if I just notice once in the day how tense my shoulders are and silently give them permission to “let go”, my body will be in better shape than it was. Each “noticing” has a cumulative effect. Over time we create new neural pathways that support a more relaxed version of ourselves than we would otherwise be. When we are able to listen, observe and remain still for just a moment, we can comprehend things about ourselves and the world around us that we would otherwise have missed. Listening to Dr Levine being interviewed about his latest book An Autobiography of Trauma: A Healing Journey, he was talking for the first time about his own traumatic events. He said we don’t need to go into the traumatic event/s themselves in order to heal the trauma blocking us in some way, but we do need to learn to resource ourselves in ways that are counter to the ways we are feeling from the trauma. One example he gave was the powerlessness, overwhelm and terror he felt from the experience of being raped, and how those feelings would engulf him on occasion in situations that seemed unrelated. It has helped enormously to work through that trauma by resourcing himself with felt memories (the somatic experience) that counter the horrific experience, from times in his life where he had felt empowered, excited about life and full of vitality. I was also listening to philosopher and writer Nate Klemp being interviewed this week about his new book Open in which he explores possible solutions to help us shift into a life of expansiveness, creativity and wonder. Nate had been drawn to the topic after suffering from panic attacks and, after a period where he hadn’t been able to leave his house in months. He then had an opportunity to fly across the country to visit his wife’s parents. He knew if he didn’t go it would put his marriage in jeopardy, but he was scared stiff of taking that flight. I related to this having experienced panic attacks back in my early twenties. For anyone who hasn’t experienced panic attacks, the physical symptoms are very real, it can feel like you are having a heart attack or a stroke, and are going to pass out. Despite his fear, Nate took the trip. As he was about midway across the country, his pain and anxiety were at their peak. But there was nowhere to go. He couldn’t just step outside the plane, or go to the hospital for an ECG and get some help. In that moment he sort of gave in, surrendering to come what may. What happened was that he moved through the episode into a state of expansiveness, oneness and release. It was interesting, having been asked whether I had a regular practice that achieves this, I was relieved to hear Nate refer to same struggles and arrive at similar conclusions. These moments of complete oneness are born of regular practice, but they are not necessarily regular in themselves. When we are going through stressful times in our lives, or prolonged stress or traumatic events, it’s particularly beneficial to learn how to be with ourselves and our mind. Writer Belinda Alexandra reflects on how a traumatic experience and the subsequent legal proceedings led to her developing complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD). Feeling trapped in a nightmarish existence, she sought solace in flamenco dancing, which demanded total immersion of both body and soul. She describes flamenco as a dance that requires genuine expression from deep within, embodying pride and resilience. Through her flamenco lessons, Belinda realized that adopting the posture and mindset of a confident dancer was incompatible with her feelings of victimhood. She found that conditioning the mind and body through confident poses and rhythmic music over time had a transformative effect on her emotions and reactions. Each stomp of her flamenco shoes became a defiant act against the powerlessness that had consumed her, forcing her to be fully present in the moment. While Flamenco got her moving forward in life it was meditation that was the path out of her CPTSD. Belinda discovered her claim that she couldn’t meditate was a bit like saying she can’t speak French, or can’t crochet. Of course we can’t if we haven’t learned or practiced those skills. For her it was Dr Joe Dispenza’s meditations, which involve a vigorous type of breath work and deep concentration, that proved to not only increase her productivity, but calmed the hyper vigilance and triggers caused by trauma, and mild anxiety she’d experienced since childhood. She said “To have a peaceful, calm and observant mind for the first time was a revelation. The sense of connection with myself, and life and also something greater was so profound I would not have swapped it for anything in exchange”. Sometimes sitting still for fifteen minutes to meditate and focus on something in the present moment – whether my breath or the ticking of a clock – is enough to keep my focus on the now and put me in touch with that guiding voice. Sometimes it isn’t. While practices like meditation and flamenco dancing offer valuable tools for navigating stress and trauma, they are not a one-size-fits-all solution. Each individual's journey towards healing is unique, and it's essential to find practices that resonate with our own experiences and needs. For some, meditation may feel inaccessible or ineffective, but alternative approaches like breath work or visualization exercises may offer similar benefits. The key is to experiment with different techniques and find what works best for you. I’m grateful for the frequent reminders in my life to cultivate presence, because – well – life can be busy. And at times it can be stressful, I have known burn out and I know what it is to suffer from post traumatic symptoms. But ahead there is a path I can carve that is one made from my authentic core, one not made from the stress and reliving of old trauma, but built upon the healing of it, the moving past it. What about you? We tell ourselves all sorts of things about what it means to fit in, to be part of society or to be accepted. Most of these narratives are planted in our subconscious and have roots in our youngest years and ancestry. In times of stress or trauma, it's natural to feel overwhelmed or disconnected from ourselves, but it's also an opportunity to lean into practices that help us reconnect with our inner wisdom and resilience. As we navigate life's challenges, let us remember that healing is not a linear process. It's okay to stumble along the way, to feel lost or unsure of our next steps. What matters is that we continue to show up for ourselves, to cultivate compassion and self-awareness, and to seek out the support and resources we need to thrive. In the words of poet Rumi, "The wound is the place where the Light enters you." May we find solace in the depths of our own healing journey, knowing that even in our darkest moments, there is always the possibility of transformation and renewal. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Overwhelm? Worry? Lack of Confidence? Parts Work and Its Importance to Your Growth, Presence Your True Needs, Talents and Desires to Step Into the State of Fullness, A Useful Hack to Gain Clarity From the Things That Capture Your Attention and It’s Time to Get Savvy With That Thing Called Love. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  When I read something that really resonates with me, I have a journal that I capture that sentence or paragraph in. These words help me to understand parts of myself or my life in ways I haven’t been able to, they capture the essence of what I have also experienced or believe to be true. Some books I can consume and write nothing, even although I enjoy them, but reading Belinda Alexandra’s memoirs have resulted in many more journal entries than I’ve written in quite a while.
Belinda is one of my favorite novelists, and her latest book delves into the aftermath of a traumatic event that deeply impacted her life. It is interwoven with the stories of her family and ancestors that have inspired and Emboldened her. Reading about Belinda's recovery process, I couldn't help but notice parallels with my own experiences. When I wrote Who Are You Protecting? Why Telling Your Story Is Powerful I explored the reluctance many of us feel to share our experiences, even though doing so can be profoundly liberating. We often fail to realise that those around us may be enduring similar struggles in silence. Yet, it's these very patterns of secrecy and shame that perpetuate societal issues, underscoring the importance of bringing our stories into the light. In that post, I shared how seemingly ordinary childhood experiences left me hyper-attuned to others, overly sensitive to criticism, and a perfectionist, especially in times of stress. While adaptive in some contexts, these traits proved detrimental to my relationships. Becoming a parent made it clear I needed to address certain aspects of myself, particularly my lack of healthy boundaries. However, it wasn't until I weathered an unexpected separation and the accompanying trauma a few years ago that I truly began to grasp the lessons I needed to learn. Dealing with the legal system to reach agreements was an experience I wouldn't wish upon anyone. While legal advice is essential, I highly recommend mediation with neutral third parties whenever possible. My sense of justice and fairness was severely tested during this time as I received correspondence upon correspondence that appeared completely lacking in acknowledging my rights far less my opinions. One of my favorite insights from Belinda's book is when she describes how, out of her traumatic situation, she became her own best and truest friend for life. "No one will stand up for me better than me," she writes. "The only person guaranteed to be in my life forever is me." This resonated deeply with me. Loved ones may come and go, and professionals may have their own agendas, but the only constant in my life is me. No one can represent me like I can, now that I know myself better. Getting to know myself took time, energy and the willingness to keep learning. It requires being an observer in my own head, heart and body. As Belinda astutely observes, few are willing to undertake this introspective journey, preferring instead to distract themselves from confronting who they truly are – “as if they are afraid of what they might find”. That is no wonder really, since we rejected parts of ourselves unconsciously as kids because they didn’t “fit in” to the family dynamic. Thus we have an unexplored but lurking fear that those parts of us are in some way dangerous to our survival. Yet, it's precisely in these moments of self-confrontation that we uncover our authenticity. As Belinda aptly puts it, "the more grounded I feel within myself, the less vulnerable I feel with others." Among the most common insidious subconscious thought patterns among us humans are "I'm not worthy" and "I'm not good enough." These thoughts hinder us when dealing with people who lack empathy and compassion, and have an attitude of grandiosity or self-entitlement. I had to learn to back myself, understanding that I can't always rely on others to approve of what I do. Somewhere in my mind I had thought that all people would be fair when confronted with rational and reasonable explanations, because that is how life was for me growing up. While I might not have been instantly seen or heard, if I really wanted something I presented an argument and was often acknowledged. Yet life has taught me since that many more people than I would have guessed are literally out for themselves regardless of the cost to others. Some feed on the explanations I was so used to needing to present. As Belinda shared insights gleaned from her research for one of her novels, she suggests that life’s setbacks often harbor the very lessons we need to fulfill our ultimate purpose. While I wouldn’t wish traumatic experiences upon anyone, I've found solace in the opportunities they open for self-discovery and growth, and developing resilience and confidence in the face of adversity. When Belinda talked about "people who – due to their own perverse and disordered psychology – delight in seeing us fail," I had my own experiences to draw upon. Learning to back myself, and recognising situations and people that are unhealthy, were important lessons to learn. I encourage you to share your story with someone you trust, embracing vulnerability and authenticity. Reflect on moments of adversity or trauma that have shaped your journey. Consider how these experiences have impacted your relationship with yourself and others. Are there aspects of yourself you've hesitated to confront? By embracing self-awareness and compassion, it not only fosters personal growth and resilience, but it also paves the way for future generations to be more authentic. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Overwhelm? Worry? Lack of Confidence? Parts Work and Its Importance to Your Growth, Presence Your True Needs, Talents and Desires to Step Into the State of Fullness, A Useful Hack to Gain Clarity From the Things That Capture Your Attention and It’s Time to Get Savvy With That Thing Called Love. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  I drew a picture of how I’d been experiencing life recently, this wasn’t something I pictured and then drew, I just let it evolve as I chose each of the coloured pencils I wanted to use one at a time. What emerged was this tiny constricted version of my mind self surrounded by a little dark vortex with lots of sharp instruments and lightning bolts aimed at penetrating the vortex. This was in the top left corner of the page.
In the top right corner there was a bright sun with light rays shining all across the page, though they were unable to penetrate the little vortex. In the foreground of the picture there was a larger than life lady emerging from the Earth, from the sea and land, surrounded with trees and life. She had her arms outstretched to embrace it. I knew immediately that what I was drawing depicted the limited and constricted life I lead when I’m in my head too much. It’s a very visual and visceral way for me to capture how much is “out there”, just under my nose, to be embraced and enjoyed when I can be more present to my life. It was when I was walking along the beach recently that I realised how much I was living in my head at that moment. I caught myself playing through a conversation I predicted having in the future, ruminating on the likely twists and turns and all my possible reactions and responses. If this were a scenario happening next week that would perhaps be more understandable, but this is something that may never take place – though I understand that by ruminating upon it I’m making it far more likely to occur. “Once you let your past decide how you experience the present, you have destroyed your future” - Sadhguru It is true that those various sharp weapons and lightning bolts depict real events and people who have perpetrated some insidious expectations and behaviours upon me in the past. It is completely understandable when I look at my past why I developed various coping mechanisms that perhaps don’t serve me well in the present. Nevertheless, the aspect that wanted to be seen when I drew my picture is the aspect of me that anticipates – and therefore perpetuates - boundary violations. Andie MacDowell’s performance in a recent movie I watched was of a woman holding her boundaries artfully, gracefully and assertively, it was wonderful to witness. In Tara Road, based on the Maeve Binchy novel of the same name, Andie MacDowell plays Marilyn Vine, a grieving American mother who does a house swap with Irish mother Ria Lynch. Ria’s husband of many years – a high flying property manager called Danny Lynch - betrayed her and left her for a younger woman who was pregnant with his baby. As the movie progresses a number of Ria’s so-called friends and neighbours try to encroach on Marilyn’s (Andie MacDowell’s) space by turning up at the house unannounced and trying to barge their way in. The epitome of Andie MacDowell’s graceful maneuvering was when Ria’s ex - who still had a key for the house and just let himself in while this American, who is a stranger to him, is house sitting – tries to take Ria’s car keys and paperwork for the house. As the movie had progressed, it had become evident what a self centered scum bag Danny Lynch really was. So my admiration for Andie’s character Marilyn was at its height when - despite Danny standing right in her personal space in the kitchen of the house – she gently holds her ground and skillfully asserts both her own boundaries and some on behalf of Ria also. Given my own history with those in my life who had no regard for my boundaries – not that I knew I even had any, or that there was such a thing until recent years – I found this performance exquisite role-modeling of how to assert them. This is something I’m learning to do, and could only aspire to the elegance with which they were demonstrated in Tara Road. Despite having moved on physically from the people and circumstances that put me in that position all the time, while I’m ruminating about future interactions my mind is still trapped in the past, anticipating future dangers, which is stopping me fully embracing the present. Yet, the truth is, there is no real danger here other than that which I create in my head. I have done a lot of inner work, learned and am applying new communication skills (though not as artfully or gracefully as Andie MacDowell’s character yet) and simply wouldn’t let such self-centered people into my life again. My future is down to me, and it relies on me fully embracing my present. As I navigate the tendency to anticipate and perpetuate boundary violations, I am reminded that true liberation lies in embracing the present moment fully. To do that, I have to keep applying the basic principles I learned and shared many years ago on a video on my website, and continue to apply in my life:
Drawing inspiration from the graceful boundary-setting portrayed in the film "Tara Road," I am also reminded of the importance of asserting myself with dignity and grace. It is a lesson I continue to learn and integrate into my own journey of self-discovery and growth. And as I reflect on the journey, depicted in my recent drawing and the insights gained from it, I am reminded of the intricate dance between past experiences, present challenges, and future aspirations. The imagery of the constricted mind surrounded by a vortex of past traumas, contrasted with the radiant sun and embracing figure of possibility, speaks volumes about the complexity of human existence. What about you? As we continue to walk this path of self-discovery and empowerment, I invite you to join me in embracing the richness of the present moment and the boundless possibilities it holds. Together, let us cultivate a future rooted in mindfulness, resilience, and unshakeable self-belief. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy What Resentment, Frustration and Pain Have to Do With Your Boundaries, Presence Your True Needs, Talents and Desires to Step Into the State of Fullness, Take the Quantum Leap: Nurture Your Creativity and Intuition to Craft a Life of Purpose, and Give Yourself the Gift of Presence to Relieve the Torture of Stress. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  I was watching Pink: All I Know So Far, a documentary film following the American singer-songwriter on her Beautiful Trauma World Tour in 2018-2019. While playing 156 shows in eighteen countries, her husband and young kids traveled with her. I was deeply moved as it reminded me of the time when my own kids were little and the relentless impossibility of trying to be fully present in the various roles as a mother, partner, and career and whatever else was needed of me.
As I watched her grueling training schedule and dedication to making her shows worthy of the money and effort people had put in to be there, I also watched her try to be present for both her kids, one of whom demanded so much more attention being both the younger and more extrovert child. There was something about her manner that reminded me of the times in my life that I’ve spun the plates and been there in a way that looks like I’m there, but really I think my essence had taken off into the stratosphere somewhere. I particularly remember when my own kids were young, and life was really intense on a day-to-day basis. There was a time - when their undiagnosed dyslexic tendencies created so much strain on their little brains and levels of concentration at kindergarten and school - that every day I was dealing with at least one major meltdown from one of them. Right amid that time, my mum (who lived on the other side of the world) was diagnosed with cancer. A family member who lived locally agreed to look after the kids for five days while I flew 12,000 miles and back to be with my mum in her last days. There wasn’t much sleep to be had in that five days and, less than a month later, I was flying back with my family to attend her funeral and catch up with the family my children didn’t really know. It was beyond exhausting. As I watched Pink balance being a performer with her role as a mother, wife, and boss, it took me right back to that time when I felt like nothing more than a performing shell of a person who was running on empty. In the years since, I have dealt with - and overcome - chronic health issues, a gnarly separation and, like everyone else, the challenges and restrictions of the global pandemic. So when someone asked me recently how my plans were progressing for relaunching my career, I gently reminded them that I’m 52, still parenting adolescent kids, getting over a recent house move that came at me sidewards, and – honestly - I’m pretty knackered right now. Not the kind of tiredness that a good sleep will fix. Exhausted with the rigors of life. When I went to see my healthcare practitioner recently, I had been expecting – among oter things – to pick up a remedy for the kids. She said “Sorry I haven’t got to that. Every time I went to do it, something in me just said no”. Now there’s a voice I trust, the voice of intuition. That same voice says no to me every time I think about building my client base. I check in with myself that I’m not just scared or stuck in a rut, but that isn’t it at all. It could just be timing, it could be something else, I’m open to the possibilities. I’m a firm believer that when things are right they line up easily. Often it just takes saying yes to one thing and, from there, other things snowball. A friend of mine, who trained in trauma therapy a number of years ago now, has recently taken just a step. She said yes to a room in a clinic where one of her daughter’s was being treated, and from there lots of other opportunities have lined up with ease pretty quickly. She didn’t take years to say yes to something because she was scared. The fact is, she was busy parenting and surviving, other things needed tended to first, including some of her own inner work. I can relate to being at that point. And I think that is okay. At my age my parents had worked their career, raised their family and retired early. In my case I had my career, tried to have a family for years, finally had my kids later in life and still have a good few years of active parenting ahead. At 52, I'm not rushing to meet societal expectations of retirement. Instead, I see the years in front as an opportunity to step into a role that authentically serves others and brings me joy. It's about embracing the "years of me," where I can live life on my terms and make a meaningful impact in a way that feels right for me. I've come to realize that life isn't just about surviving; it's about finding what truly fills us with passion and joy. It's about honoring our intuition, trusting that when things align, they do so effortlessly. Just as my friend found unexpected opportunities by saying yes to one small step, I believe that by staying true to ourselves and our passions, we can pave the way for a fulfilling future. As I reflect on Pink's journey and my own experiences, I'm reminded of the importance of listening to our intuition amidst life's chaos. This inner voice, the same one that guided my healthcare practitioner's decision and speaks to me about my career, isn't born out of fear or complacency—it's an innate knowing that some things require patience, alignment, and inner work before fully stepping into them. So, to anyone else feeling the pull of intuition nudging them towards a path less traveled, I encourage you to trust it. Take a moment to pause, breathe, and listen to that inner voice guiding you towards a life filled with purpose and fulfillment. Because in the end, life isn't meant to be spent merely working and surviving—it's meant to be lived, fully and authentically. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Take the Quantum Leap: Nurture Your Creativity and Intuition to Craft a Life of Purpose, Where Talent Meets Passion: Cherish Your Life as a Career?, How to Use Your Intuition With Confidence in Business and in Life and Leverage the Astonishing Power of Intuition, Flow and Kindness. 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