Image by Larisa Koshkina from Pixabay

A good friend of mine asked how I could both feel a lack of confidence in myself and yet have had a successful corporate career. It’s an interesting question and one many people might resonate with. The answer for me is quite simple; I never really brought all of me to the workplace, just the parts I was confident would be accepted.

But, as I often say, I wanted to learn how to learn to live life from the inside out, rather than keep parts of me packed away that I deemed “unacceptable” in some way. When I left my corporate career I moved cities, changed my lifestyle and my predominant focus was on the job of raising my kids, it still is.

Along the way I have listened, read, studied, analysed and absorbed huge amounts of information on the human psyche and really taken a good look at that inner world of mine whose entire landscape looked so different to my outer world nine years ago. I have regularly shared all that I’ve learned in a bid to find my true voice, and to presence the “real me” in the world.

Tomorrow I am taking a trip back to that city I left all those years ago. While I have done some consulting and coaching over that time, for the first time in nine years I will be attending a corporate type event there to support someone close to me. It’s a strange feeling, not at all negative, quite the opposite; I’m looking forward to it.

I’m curious to see how the conversations flow and how I feel. Incidentally someone mentioned to me earlier today about focusing on receiving – as me, the authentic essence of who I am rather than a version of me I deem acceptable. Well that can only happen if I presence the whole of me.

A small thing that used to regularly happen in my old roles, my skin would often get flushed when I was talking to someone I didn’t know, or directly to a group of people, the feel inside was “who am I to say this?”. I would also commonly see it in other people in interviews and other high stakes situations, but for me it was an indicator of the level of comfort I felt in my own skin.

I was knowledgeable and experienced in my arena, and I was knowledgeable about personality types, style preferences and the many other facets of human psychology and motivation that had been commonly dissected and prolifically written about in the last fifty years or more but there was so much more I sensed and felt.

As I listened to Tami Simon, Founder and CEO of Sounds True – a large, successful multimedia publisher – talk about her tussle with the phrase “spiritual entrepreneurship” I recognised that one of the biggest mismatches within me back then was not just my reluctance to talk about the context in which I see, approach and navigate life, but I lacked the understanding and the language with which to draw it out and discuss it on any level far less one integrated with my work.

Yet in the intervening years, many of my deep dives into learning have been on the topic of energy. Back in my corporate days, when asked, I simply stated my belief that we are all part of one energy coming into and out of form. This was an incredibly ambiguous understanding of life, and was something more just as a felt experience. Since then I have learned much more on how to harness my energy and find it an endlessly fascinating subject regardless of whether it’s scientific, experiential or anecdotal in nature.

The other major aspect about people I had a more of a sense for back then but, again, lacked the knowledge and experience to put it into useful language, is the outdated, dysfunctional and destructive patterns of behaviour that often occur between people whether in work, personal or other types of interdependent relationships.

Really I was “in it” all back then, I was living the dysfunctional patterns, I was sucked into a world that had me competing for energy, and only by being “in it” intensely for an extended period of time was I able to fully grasp the understanding of it all when I finally decided enough was enough.

What I wanted was to be and have all of me understood, seen and present, for that to be good enough and not too much. In order to do that I had to understand myself, then I had to learn skills to presence those parts of me that I’d kept hidden, and put the dysfunctional parts of me that were no longer serving a purpose in their rightful place – the past.

Just this week I had been talking to my partner about updating his bio on a particular website and we were contemplating the wording around the presence he brings to the learning arena when he facilities leadership development courses. A recent participant in one of his courses had been talking about this, and how comfortable they had felt in his presence in being able to open up and learn and share.

This is because he is so comfortable with himself, the materials and the technology (which can often go wrong) that there’s very little focus on his inner world, he is able to be more fully present on the learners’ side of the fence. That is the comfort level I want to feel within myself and embody when around others.

In fact one of the principles Tami Simon was talking about was Leading with Presence. She took some time to define what she meant by the state of presence and started by defining what it feels like to her when she is with someone who is embodying presence:

“There’s an openness, a spaciousness, a welcome anything quality about them, both grounded and big at the same time – big as in receptive, anything could be said or shared. There’s a feeling of care, their hearts are present, and a type of immediate generosity, they’re not distracted, they’re not sketchy, they’re not trying to convince me of something and , also, it’s attractive, it’s a quality I want to be around, it soothes me, helps bring out my best, I feel connected.”

She makes the point that we can be these people who embody presence for the people we work with, and when we do we bring out the best in other people “Being in presence, acting from presence, creating from presence is tremendously rewarding. We experience ourselves as undivided, we are in the moment, fully engaged, it feels good, we feel good. It feels substantial.”

That is exactly where I set my compass when I exited the corporate world in that city all those years ago, and now as I revisit I can feel just how far I have come on that journey. I don’t think I’m comfortably operating there “out in the world” consistently by any means, it’s more like I was transplanted and the shoots are now emerging.

I am now in a state of curiosity rather than fear, and I know I have the skills to stand in my authenticity and navigate whatever life throws my way. It might be that my conversations start out a bit clunky, but with time and continuing curiosity in others I know that my own confidence will grow. 

What about you? Are your inner and outer worlds in alignment? Are you able to return to a state of presence time and again? If so, what advice do you have for others? And – if not – what can you do to experience yourself as less divided, in the moment, fully engaged, and substantial?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Live ‘what is’ – Choose This Moment, Meditation – the Cornerstone to Your Success, Give Yourself the Gift of Presence to Relieve the Torture of Stress, Presence Your True Needs, Talents and Desires to Step Into the State of Fullness, You Will Flourish When You Take Alone Time to Hear Your Heart and Normal Is Dysfunctional That Is the Growth Opportunity. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I’ve noticed lately how sarcastic I have been and suspect it’s because I revisited my roots in the UK recently, sarcasm and self depreciation were definitely two tenets of my upbringing. Fortunately my partner finds my commentary quite amusing most of the time but when I made a comment about something being nice recently and he asked “Are you being serious?” I thought perhaps it’s time to be a bit more mindful of getting those old patterns back under control.

Then I was listening to an interview with Maggie Smith, author of the poem Good Bones that went viral in 2016, being interviewed about her memoir called You Could Make This Place Beautiful. She was being asked about what inspires her to write and she was saying that she often hears, sees, smells, touches or tastes something that captures her attention and notes it down. Later when she revisits it, the things she writes about that naturally snowball from that initial thought are often things that make her uncomfortable.

My sarcasm and self depreciation are such things.

But I was quite literally immersed in a culture of these for a long time. They’re so familiar and comfortable, so easy to slip into it, yet really sarcasm is a very passive aggressive way of poking fun and criticizing and self depreciation can keep people small.

That said it has been many years since sarcasm was my predominant mode of communication, having spent a long time living with someone where - if I ever delivered a mere whiff of anything remotely critical - it wouldn’t go well if I was sarcastic, so then I learned to remain silent much of the time. This does nothing to help create healthy boundaries.  

I also have a difficult relationship with self depreciation. While trying to make oneself, your abilities or your achievements seem less important, seems to be the accepted modus operandi in many cultures, it doesn’t actually make it easy to speak confidently or feel as confident about any of those things.

That lack of confidence again feeds into poor boundaries, one of the biggest unhealthy patterns I’ve been learning to overcome in recent years. It also feeds into difficulties in promoting the kind of help I can offer people; the skills, abilities and experience that can make a difference in other’s lives.

It’s interesting to reflect on these things that seemed so natural when I was growing up, and the ways in which those habits really keep me from fully, healthily and confidently expressing myself and living my best life. And also how many people I may have inadvertently insulted along the way?

One analogy Maggie Smith made was how all these versions of us are still in there, like a set of Russian dolls. The goal is to integrate them so they are a unified whole rather than warring factions. Since I find it uncomfortable to confront my sarcasm, it tells me I haven’t achieved the kind of inner peace I’d like with that part of me.

The same when it comes to any self depreciating behaviour. It is the fear of being seen to display opposite behaviours – like being seen as cocky, overbearing or, worst of all, bigheaded – that drives me to the opposite end of the spectrum. It would be more balanced to cultivate a healthy sense of confidence and have humility.

Further on in her interview, Maggie was talking about life as a single parent and main caregiver and was asked about the lessons she’d learned from the breakdown of her marriage and whether her reflections in writing her memoirs had led her to imagine the type of partner and relationship she would now like.

As she was responding, a younger version of me resonated with her when she talked about preferring to live separately to another partner as – while she is solely responsible for the house and kids that gives her clarity in what she is responsible for and doesn’t allow resentment to occur.

That was exactly how I had felt too a couple of years ago, but it makes for a lonely existence. Maggie said she doesn’t trust that her unhealthy caregiving patterns not to kick in again. That is great recognition and honesty. However, it also helped me see that this was an area of my own life that once upon a time would have also made me uncomfortable.

Nowadays, after doing work on learning about and cultivating secure attachment, learning about my own needs, wants and desires, learning about boundaries and how to hold conversations to communicate about them and hold them, now I feel more comfortable and confident about cohabiting again in the future.

What I also feel very comfortable with is feeling uncomfortable. I see it as a sign that there is something juicy for me to look at. It doesn’t mean I’ll be able to leap right in and change my response at the outset, but it does indicate there’s something for me to look at, perhaps some skills I need to learn, or risks I need to take in order to grow and live my best life.

In the last few weeks, what are the sorts of things that have come up for you and made you feel uncomfortable? Why do they make you uncomfortable? If you could wave a magic wand would you like to feel more confident about that? Perhaps life is presenting you with an invaluable growth opportunity, will you take it?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How Would It Feel to Have More Ease, Joy and Flow in Your Life?, The Almighty Growth Opportunity in Dealing With Emotionally Unavailable People, Are You Willing to Take Your Sovereignty While Allowing Other People Theirs? and Normal Is Dysfunctional That Is the Growth Opportunity. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

One of the things I’ve really been struggling lately is shifting gears between the different areas of my life, and being able to be fully present in each one. I had heard once that men find it easier to compartmentalize than women but, whether it’s true or not, I don’t think compartmentalizing is the answer.

I think of it like stuffing all the toys back into the toy box and forgetting they’re there. In fact one definition of compartmentalizing is it’s a form of psychological defence mechanism in which thoughts and feelings that seem to conflict are kept separate or isolated from each other in the mind.

Those with post traumatic stress disorder may use compartmentalizing as a way to separate positive and negative aspects of themselves – though in truth we all tend to be a conglomeration of parts with different (and often conflicting) beliefs about ourselves and the world. Our stress levels and psychological state often determine which part of us in the driving seat and which narratives we have playing in our head.

For me it’s all about the different roles I play in life, and how I shift between them with ease and grace. With my kids living between two residences, there are days when I’m fully in school mum mode, and other days when the practicalities of drop offs, pick-ups, pack lunches and homework are not my responsibility. For any parent, though, they will understand that doesn’t mean I can fully shift out of parenting mode.

In my kids absence this last couple of days I’ve still been contending with applications for secondary education, juggling dental appointments, planning and organizing for upcoming birthdays, holidays and so forth, as well as hearing downloads of their day and giving advice and cheering on where necessary.

Then there’s me in my role as partner, sometimes it’s just us, other times it’s us and the kids, and those can be quite different modes energetically. That’s aside of socializing with friends which again can be alone, with my partner of the kids or both, and then there’s me-time.

Me time can be the things I do that are about self care, health and wellbeing, or it can be about focusing on sculpting what comes next in my career, whether it’s study, contemplation, or exploration and trying out different things.

It’s in my nature to get fully engrossed in what I’m doing, particularly in that last part where I’m sculpting and in the process of creation; I suspect I could get endlessly lost in there. Yet it’s inevitable that none of the toys from each of these boxes are ever fully locked away in my heart or mind. But crossing from one to the other and back again can take a tremendous amount of energy, particularly if it involves some of my least favoured tasks and commitments.

And in the very serendipitous way it does, life has presented me with reminders of antidotes – from two different sources this week – that have the potential to help me manage these gears changes with more grace and ease.

The first was in a podcast about reverse meditation with Andrew Holecek. It reminded me that the key to ease is to sit with the pain. I think of it as symbolically sitting down at the kitchen table with those uncomfortable feelings embodied as a part of me sitting across from me with a cup of tea, while I look them right in the eye and listen good to what they have to say.

Andrew says that “When we are being invited – and sometimes even pushed – out of our comfort zones, this is where the rubber meets the road, it’s where growth really takes place”.

He points out that meditation, much like sport, can mean many things to many different people. There is a level of calming the mind, which is often referred to as mindfulness, but it offers so much more and “we are invited to go much further, so much deeper, where we can say yes to whatever arises”. 

He cites Krishnamurti who – when he was allegedly asked in the latter stages of his life after 70 something years of teaching – “What is the secret to your unflappable contentment?” he responded “I don’t mind what happens”. I think this is a beautiful reminder to lean into what is unwanted and see what it has to offer as a lesson for growth.

Andrew’s approach has developed over the years after first being introduced to the principles of it over a quarter century ago in a three-year retreat which was a traditional training in the Tiebetan Buddist curriculum. He says his confidence and conviction really comes from his direct personal experience because, although he has done exhaustive literature analysis and study in other traditions also, his real confidence comes from intensive exposure and practice.

I think this is true of all of us, if I put into practice the things that resonate with me then I become an advocate of them. Isn't it bliss the way our essence just pulls in what's in alignment with our unique vibration?

The second great antidote to my discomfort came from finally reading through some material from Claire Zammit that I’ve had for a few years now, about learning the meta skills that catalyze the functional skills of writing, coaching, facilitation, leading etc - learning what really makes the difference between someone solid in these skills versus those people who really seem to crack others open and light them up with (what appears from the outside to be) a magical ability to generate ideas, connections and catalyze breakthroughs that inspire awe.

I find Claire interesting because she came into her present work having been a solid coach and then doing a PhD to understand what makes that difference between someone good and someone phenomenal. In her research she interviewed and got to know many successful people. I think that may have been how she met Dr Jean Houston whose Quantum Powers course I did through Claire’s company Feminine Power a few years ago.

Jean is in her late 80s now, she did her apprenticeship with the iconic anthropologist Margaret Mead, and she met all sorts of interesting people like Einstein. She's been working in the field of human potential for half a century and really gets the science behind quantum transformation.

All of this lends to the depth and resonance I feel in Claire’s work, where she talks about the fundamental underpinning of all meta skills, the skill to be present and to create space to allow for meaningful interaction. She says "There is really no such thing as a resistant client or resistant group, what there is, is the absence of a space of depth for transformation to happen".

Hers is a three-part process to cultivate presence, and one of those is also a three-part process on where your attention lies. She recommends that firstly you bring your attention into you, bringing awareness into yourself, breathing down into your belly. Then you take your attention out to the edges of the room, becoming aware of the space in and around you and, only then, your attention goes onto the other person (or people). She also recommends imagining you are communicating deeply, belly breath to belly breath.

Well that is my one paragraph take on what obviously has more nuances when learned and practiced.

When I reflect on these antidotes to the stress I’ve found in changing gears, I have heard similar things presented in different ways from different sources at different points in my life, but these two just clicked into place nicely this week and were good reminders to lean into what I was feeling and how to create space within and around me to connect with others.

What about you, do you struggle in shifting gears between the different people and areas of your life? If so, what practices could you start or revisit in order to cultivate more of a sense of spaciousness and ease around those gear changes?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Shift Focus and Make Time for You, Want Better Health? Be Shrewd About Stress, Meditation – the Cornerstone to Your Success, How to Make Me-Time a Top Priority  and Meditation 2.0 – The Road to Enlightenment? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Having to make a tough decision this week to say goodbye to our cat, a most faithful and loving companion over the last seventeen years, I was mulling over all the options and their repercussions. Simultaneously I was thinking through the best way to approach it with the kids and how to walk with them through the grief process, particularly since they were at their other home at the time.

Reflecting on the ways the kids handled themselves in previous times when faced with loss and change, my partner asked whether I ever give myself credit for the way I handle things?

Then listening to a podcast with Friedemann Schaub on Becoming the Empowered Leader of Your Own Mind, I was again drawn to look at some of the internal narratives going on in my head. I was constantly searching for the ways I could have done things differently, been better, rather than cutting myself a break and recognizing that my cat had had a long and happy life. Even in the last few years when she had been declining in health, she hadn’t suffered and was – until last week when she got really sick – a happy and vibrant cat.

Friedemann was asked how he had overcome his own inner critic, the often subconscious narrative that can determine our quality of life through our emotional state and wellbeing. He pointed to our inner essence and how, even though we can connect with this at times and feel into the fullness of ourselves and know we are enough, this is like a GPS system that we – as the drivers of our lives – can ignore.  

He talked about the way we speak to ourselves and make decisions through our subconscious and conscious minds and likened the narrative to the way we were spoken to growing up. Schaub pointed out that we often speak to and think of our loved ones in ways we ourselves would benefit from, yet we retain the harshest of the voices as our own inner critic, mostly in our subconscious mind.

In overcoming this, aside of learning how to tune in and hear what we are actually saying to ourselves, it’s also about reprogramming the voice, about learning to appreciate those qualities, decisions and actions that validate our inherent “enoughness”.

I could hear the similarity between what he was pointing to and what my partner had asked me, and I could also see the pervasive way I’m tough on myself, and expect a lot – probably too much most of the time. Despite knowing I can’t be everything to everyone, I admit that the narratives running my thought processes still expect that when left unchecked.

I like serendipities, and I like Friedemann’s pragmatism, I liked his practice of taking time out on a daily basis to recognise the many ways in which I am already good enough. To his point, it’s not all weighted on singular big decisions either, it’s about recognising the many unseen decisions we make every day that point to more of our “enoughness”.

Recognizing where we are being enough is only one aspect of retraining the inner critic to an inner cheerleader. Not feeling that we are enough is just one narrative, apparently one of the most common narratives, but there are many and can all coexist: being too much, being different, being a burden, being alone, being crazy, being a failure and so on. All narratives that don’t serve our wellbeing.

So I’ve created a reminder each day on my phone to take a moment to reflect on and appreciate the decisions I’ve made that day that support my wellbeing. I know just how harmful the stress created by my inner critic can be to my health, and it’s down to me to change that narrative and adjust my own expectations of myself.

As I say that I’m busy typing this reflection aware that I’m feeling guilty about the time it’s taking away from being present with my partner today, despite the fact he is cheering me on. I still have this awareness of other people’s emotional landscapes and desires and a narrative in my head about fulfilling those and I’ve been beating myself up for not getting this done at an earlier opportunity.

Despite the irrationality of that, given the busy week I’ve had, I know it is all a delicate balance and I will take the time later today to appreciate that I have kept my commitment to myself in reflecting and typing up the week’s growth opportunities. I will also take the opportunity to reflect on the many lovely moments I have had with my partner this week.

The irony is, if there was one teacher in my life that modeled being enough, it was my cat. Cats universally seem to just exude enoughness and mine was no exception. She would simply eat, drink, go out for a mosey around, come sit on my lap or take herself off for a nap elsewhere in a cozy spot whenever she felt like it.

In what ways is your inner critic being constantly harsh on you?  If you were someone you love, what would you tell yourself instead? Is time to perhaps recognise all the ways in which you are already good enough and deliberately practice retraining your inner critic into an inner cheerleader?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Value Your Uniqueness, Make the Choice to Feel Better About Yourself and Your Life, An Open Letter to an Old Friend, Here Is a New Paradigm - Ask “Is This Good Enough for ME?” and I Am Enough.  To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.