When Evette Rose first asked me, "Do you know how to have boundaries without having to fight for them? And how to have peace, respect, love, and support without fighting for it?" I didn’t know the answer. I have kept this question close ever since and can now honestly say, "Yes."

Over time, I've learned to maintain my boundaries without getting overly triggered, even when dealing with people who disregard them. This has been mentally taxing, perplexing, and oftentimes frustrating. However, I now have the experience of holding my boundaries without triggering my prefrontal cortex to shut down, inducing mental paralysis and panic. This has reduced my stress and allowed me to remain calm and clear-headed.

Sometimes we can walk away from boundary violators, and sometimes we can’t, making it critical to learn how to navigate holding our boundaries, even if that means going through a legal process. Lawyers and court systems are not my favorite arena. In my early twenties, I experienced a car accident caused by a driver who fell asleep at the wheel. The driver denied causing the accident, leading us to court. I was naïve, believing that simply telling the truth would suffice.

The driver was dazed and didn’t offer much at the scene; he had driven straight over the central line, glancing off my car and crashing into the one behind, causing it to flip. We were stunned when he denied causing the crash. I remember us all sitting in one of the waiting rooms to be called one at a time to the witness stand.

Then came the moment when the driver’s lawyer, with his funny little wig you see in British TV dramas, looked at me and said with conviction, “I put it to you, Miss Keachie, that you were the one who crossed the central line and crashed into my client.” I was momentarily stunned, then enraged.

My mum had taught me nothing if not to be honest. That lesson had been locked in many years before. Facing the consequences of my actions isn’t something I’d shy away from; I learned from an early age to own my actions. To have this guy accuse me of the very thing he had done was infuriating. I think I responded with great indignance, that indeed I had not lost control and driven on the wrong side of the road, but I threw in a profanity for emphasis and got reprimanded by the judge, which then put me in freeze mode.

It turned out that the guy was training to be a driving instructor, and his conviction would end his career before it started. In order to get what he wanted, he saw no harm in accusing others of his own behaviour. Clearly, he was not brought up by parents like mine. I have to say, I’d rather be honorable, so I am glad they taught me to be that way. Naivety, though, was a lesson life has since shaken me out of.

There have been a couple of other occasions where I have found myself getting activated within the legal system, but it’s not the system itself; it’s how people often use it to exacerbate already stressful situations. Disputes over a deceased person’s estate, disputes over property, tax, land, custody battles—the list goes on.

In my life, I’ve certainly come up against some very self-serving people. To be fair, I think we are all driven to be self-serving; it’s our nature. If we don’t put our own needs first, who will? What I’m referring to are those people who do it at the expense of others, like the driver of that car. They are the ones our nervous systems are supposed to alert us to, but many of us have maladapted nervous systems.

Neural pathways begin to form in response to how well (or not) our needs are met in childhood, regardless of parents' intentions or love. Dr. Gabor Maté explains that children are inherently connected to their parents (or caregivers) for survival. Even small rejections can force children to choose between rejecting their parents or parts of themselves, as rejecting parents is not an option when we are little and completely reliant. Our set point of "safe" in the nervous system, the command center of a human’s fight-flight response, therefore directly relates to the home life we experienced growing up. 

For those with overt abuse, trauma is easily recognizable. But even for many with seemingly normal childhoods, developmental trauma may still exist. This makes rational sense when you consider that, for a long time, the focus of child-rearing has been on teaching children to be good and fit in. While important, this should come after establishing a healthy sense of self and safety, which is often overlooked. 

Common occurrences like leaving a baby to cry or forcing a child to eat on a schedule can feel rejecting to a child. While such treatment might make an adult feel isolated and unimportant, for a dependent child, these experiences can be profoundly devastating. Repeated instances can lead to developmental trauma, resulting in emotional overreactions and nervous system dysregulation in unrelated situations later in life.

More critically, these early experiences can instill unhelpful belief patterns such as "I’m unworthy," "I’m alone," "I’m powerless," "I’m not wanted," "I don’t belong," and/or "I’m worthless" to name a few. This often manifests as inherited patterns of behavior. James Redfield's "The Celestine Prophecy" describes four archetypal control strategies parents employ: Intimidators, Interrogators, Aloofs, and Poor Me's. These strategies perpetuate unhealthy patterns unless the cycle is broken. Addressing these patterns is crucial for personal growth.

It’s these "normal" patterns that the legal system can exploit, profiting from dysregulated people chasing "justice." However, with self-regulation, one can navigate legal conflicts more calmly, even if they need a mediator to do so.

To be fair, it would be hard for a mediator to help someone change a lifetime pattern of dysregulated behavior just to navigate one conversation. That is actually our responsibility, but mediators are taught methods that try to keep to the facts and take as much of the emotive reactions out of it as possible.

For those interested in learning how to heal their nervous system, I discussed this more in The Path to Purpose and Clarity: How Healing Transforms Your Career Goals. It’s not an overnight job, but it’s worth the effort. In fact, it may even be your purpose in being here, to break those patterns in your family chain.

But what I find interesting as I contemplate navigating the legal system once more is that there have also been times when I’ve done this with reasonable people. What was involved in those situations wasn’t any dispute; agreement had been reached without any huge emotional upheaval, and the legal system was, in fact, a series of cogs and wheels to navigate with form filling and following a set process, providing the right paperwork and fees, and so on.

Now, when I think of Evette’s question, "Do you know how to have boundaries without having to fight for them? And how to have peace, respect, love, and support without fighting for it?" I understand that it doesn’t mean capitulating to boundary violators for peace. There is no peace in that. I have enough love and respect for myself to know that sometimes further action is required. Even if someone tries to create a fight, remember it takes two to have one. With my nervous system now in a healthy state, I trust that I can navigate even the legal system with patience, calm, and ease.

Reflecting on these experiences, I've come to realise that maintaining boundaries and seeking justice doesn't have to be a combative process. It requires self-awareness, emotional regulation, and the courage to stand firm in our values, even in the face of opposition. Given that this can be an emotive topic, keep in mind my reflections are primarily a means for my own reflection and personal journey of self-growth, shared in case they resonate as opposed to being a strategy or a tool to influence others.

As we navigate our own paths, it's important to ask ourselves: How can we create and uphold our boundaries in a way that promotes peace, respect, love, and support without resorting to conflict? Can we find the strength within to transform adversarial encounters into opportunities for growth and understanding? Embracing these questions can guide us towards a more harmonious and fulfilling journey, where our personal growth and the holding of boundaries are intertwined with compassion and self-awareness.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Normal Is Dysfunctional That Is the Growth Opportunity, What Is Holding You Back? Reclaim Your Worth, Your Love, Your Power, Do You Yearn for Better Outcomes? First Commit to Observing Your Reactions, Put Mature Parts of You in the Driving Seat for Better Results, Why Being Passive Can Be Powerful and Shine Your Inner Light - Let No One Keep You Down. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

“The more specific we are, the more universal something can become. Life is in the details. If you generalize, it doesn’t resonate. The specificity of it is what resonates” — Jacqueline Woodson

For years, I struggled to get specific about my career goals. I always felt a vague sense of wanting to do more, a purpose that seemed just out of reach. Despite having diverse experiences, I couldn’t pin down a clear direction. I read countless books and completed numerous questionnaires, striving to move beyond the nebulous desire to "evolve society".

Even while helping others define and achieve their career goals, I faced my own challenge. A mentor once pointed out that my struggle might stem from a lack of confidence, exacerbated by poor boundaries and a harsh inner critic that left me feeling exhausted. She suggested that my energy was blocked by unresolved trauma and boundary issues, and that I was still fighting old battles.

When she asked if I knew how to maintain boundaries without having to fight for them, I realised I didn’t. Despite having practiced boundary-setting extensively, I still needed deeper emotional healing. My nervous system, deeply ingrained with old survival responses, was not yet convinced it was safe to let go of its defensive stance.

So I put in the work, the work to heal my nervous system. It’s not easy, and I needed help. There are many ways to achieve what I wanted to. Here are some of many examples:

• Physical modalities: yoga, massage, acupuncture, chiropractic, Tai Chi and Qigong, exercise 
• Psychological and emotional modalities: meditation, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Somatic Experiencing, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), The Completion Process, hypnotherapy       
• Nutritional and lifestyle approaches: healthy diet, supplements, adequate sleep, hydration
  
• Integrative and holistic approaches: Heilkunst homeopathy, Metaphysical Anatomy Technique, Ayurveda, Reiki, naturopathy, aromatherapy, sound therapy

Alongside many of these, I embraced nature, supportive relationships, art therapy and journaling. For me, a blend of these methods was transformative, with the Metaphysical Anatomy Technique by Evette Rose proving especially impactful. It was through this technique that I finally began to regulate my nervous system. I am now able to step back and think strategically again in triggering situations without getting thrown into a swirling vortex of panic and stagnation.

"I was life a prisoner emerging from the dungeon into the sunlight. I expanded into the space of my own life" Tilda Swinton, 3000 years of Longing

Released from the cycle of fight, flight, freeze, and fold, I could finally see what had been before me all along. I realised I yearned to contribute to conscious evolution through my skills in writing, coaching, and deep personal understanding, ideally in a collaborative, non-corporate setting where authenticity and growth are valued.

Inspired by Sarah Durham Wilson’s work, I resonated with advice like surrounding myself with supportive, like-minded people and seeking out communities, organizations, or initiatives focused on conscious evolution and authentic living.

But, more than any other is was these four questions that finally unlocked what had been there all along. 

1. What your ideal contribution to the world looks like? I want to help create a vision for new ways of educating kids and evolving healthcare. I also want to help people break free from self-limiting beliefs and habits. Plus, I like supporting people through life's big changes, including end-of-life transitions.
2. What impact do you want to make? I hope to positively influence humanity’s direction, nurturing a world where people recognize their power and our connection to the planet and all living things.
3. Who do you want to help? I want to help everyone, but especially those who are looking to grow and evolve consciously. I also want to support those who can't easily make changes themselves, like animals, plants, people nearing the end of life, children, and those with mental challenges.
4. How do you want to spend your days? I want to keep spending my days mostly at home, writing, and contributing to forums and working groups. I’m happy traveling for speaking engagements that can make a difference. But I want to wake up naturally, have time for self-care, and spend quality time with friends and family.

Funnily enough I knew as soon as I read them, answering those questions would unlock something in me, but I’d been avoiding doing that for months. I just wasn’t ready, I was healing. But one day, not so long ago, I sat and wrote out those answers, and found that illuminated the next steps for me.

I then sat down with ChatGPT and I gave it my whole career experience and asked how my history has uniquely positioned me to make the contributions I want to in life, and in the blink of an eye it was busy telling me quite clearly how my life and experiences have equipped me for the road I want to take.

The path to clarity and purpose isn't always straightforward. It often requires confronting deep-seated fears, healing old wounds, and exploring various modalities of support. Through my process, I’ve learned that specificity in our goals comes from understanding ourselves at a deeper level, including our needs, values, and boundaries.

Jacqueline Woodson's words remind us that the details matter; they’re what make our personal narratives unique and universal. Just as I found my clarity through a mix of personal healing and reflection, you too can uncover the specifics that resonate with your own life.

I encourage you to take a moment to reflect on your journey. Your contributions are valuable, and the world needs your authentic voice and experiences. Ask yourself: What does your ideal contribution to the world look like? What impact do you hope to make? Who do you want to help? And how do you want to spend your days? Remember, the journey to understanding and aligning with your true purpose is ongoing. Embrace it with patience and openness, knowing that each step you take is a part of your meaningful journey.
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If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Embrace a Purposeful Life to Move From Anxiety to Absolute Authenticity, The Art of Learning to Have and Hold Boundaries Healthily When Healing From Trauma Responses and Take the Quantum Leap: Nurture Your Creativity and Intuition to Craft a Life of Purpose. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

Recently Evette Rose said to me “Take in the milestones you’ve achieved”. This reminded me of Sarah Durham Wilson’s work, which I revisited recently, and was struck by two key points: the importance of speaking to myself with kindness and compassion, and celebrating the wisdom and strength I've cultivated from my experiences.

Anyone who has transitioned from paid work to parenting knows the immediate challenge of tracking productivity in a traditional sense. However, this isn't just about parenting; it's about the myriad of life experiences that shape us, often without us noticing. These changes can be slow and incremental, only evident in hindsight, or sudden events that alter our world overnight.

In our daily lives, we often fail to take stock of the progress we make and give ourselves credit for our achievements. Friendships that become invaluable, which take time to nurture and cultivate, health issues that profoundly affect us, travel that broadens our perspective, and the death of loved ones that shape us in unpredictable ways—all these experiences and more contribute to our growth.

Reflecting on Sarah and Evette’s words, I thought about my life over the past ten years since leaving the corporate world. Child-rearing has been a significant part of this journey, a long game with the goal of raising children who express themselves authentically, have good boundaries, respect others' boundaries, and can live independently by adulthood.

Until they reach milestones where more of the world rushes in to meet them - like going to high school, going into higher education, starting work, moving into their own places, navigating relationships and so forth - there’s not such a solid sense of how they are learning to hold themselves in the world.

But there are many small moments of achievement along the way, from a child's thoughtful gesture to their creative expression, or mature handling of a disagreement. In fact, in every day, there’s often something that – if I’m looking – I can catch them doing right. That is not something that comes naturally to me, but I think it’s important.

Recognising these milestones in our children is crucial, but so is acknowledging our own progress and growth. This self-recognition is not arrogance, arrogance has its base in superiority, it’s a comparison with others, whereas self recognition is to give yourself credit for what you have achieved relative to the person you were yesterday, or last week, or last year, and last decade etc.

Prior to having children, my career had been in the field of transformation, which – a bit like parenting - is also a long game. But the rigors of corporate life, with regular performance reviews in place, forced me both to set goals and to work with my own teams and their departments to set goals and review progress also. The bottom line is that – when I had to – I took stock and tracked my achievements. It did make me realise, though, that the time spent hadn’t been wasted and that everything I think or do has a cause and effect in my life.

Inspired by Evette and Sarah’s words, I started to write out all the things I’d been doing in my life in the last ten years. I’m not sure I saw them as accomplishments, but I realised there’s been some quite profound personal growth and healing, innovative parenting in education and healthcare, establishing a business, publishing quite a body of articles on personal growth and trauma, navigating several hefty and significant life transitions, including the death of my mum and several close family members, and have cultivating a vision for future projects.

Updating my resume used to be a painful process, requiring me to dig really deep to be able to articulate my achievements and market myself authentically. This time I fed my experiences into an AI engine, which structured it for me beautifully. In summary it read “These accomplishments reflect a blend of personal resilience, professional expertise, and deep commitment to personal growth and societal contribution”.

While these words feel like they might describe someone else, I’m learning to embrace them for myself, recognising the gap between my perception and reality. I am taking that in; because that is the gap I want to close. Taking time for self-recognition and pride in my achievements has helped me see how my past experiences have uniquely prepared me for future goals.

Something I know we have all contended with, which highlights our resilience and adaptability, were the not insignificant challenges of the COVID19 pandemic. This included lockdowns, restrictions and varying degrees of polarization within families and societies, quite aside of the effects that the virus itself may have had on you and yours personally.

What else are you not giving yourself credit for? What gains and growth have you accomplished that deserve recognition? How might acknowledging these achievements boost your confidence and shape your vision for the future? Your story is unique, and every step you’ve taken matters. Celebrate your milestones and let them guide you towards a fulfilling and empowered future.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy From Armor to Empowerment: Softening into Strength Through Self-Kindness, The Soul’s Yearning – How to Recognise Your Inner Work, Celebrate Often the Ways in Which You Are More Than Good Enough and Focus Not on What Was Taken but Embrace What Was Given. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

Emerging from years of work to change old patterns is a fascinating and often frustrating journey. These patterns, which once served a rational purpose, can become maladaptive as life evolves. For years, my wiring often led me to initially take a passive approach, expressing my feelings only when reaching a tipping point.

Anger fueled my confidence in speaking up, as did a sense of injustice or speaking on behalf of others. In nervous system terms, this is known as the fawning and then fighting responses. While I have been working on speaking up earlier and expressing boundaries more clearly and calmly, the “how” often catches me out; anger and injustice are hard habits to kick.

Several insights resonated with me this week:

• “Some people have lived their whole lives on watch, waiting for the next crisis to strike. These assaults often come from people we love the most - harsh judgments, limiting expectations, and limited views have all been heaped onto us. You've been fighting off these assaults for long enough.” I recognized this years ago, but it took many more years of attracting the same to finally set boundaries and learn how to hold them.
• “If your first response to a personal attack is to push back, you should switch to a disengagement strategy. Sometimes standing up for yourself means standing down.” While this resonates with my experience of reaching a tipping point, the words “standing down” resonated in terms of calming my nervous system. But I certainly don’t want to revert to my old pattern of keeping quiet just to maintain peace.
• “It's difficult to go out and accomplish something productive if you're always fending off impending attacks.” Yes! And not just productivity, it makes it extremely difficult for any kind of creativity to flow or to listen to our intuition.

Seeing boundary-setting as an act of nurturing my own well-being and the health of my relationships has certainly been pivotal. It has involved healing a lot of old trauma, which has led to many changes in the landscape of my life—in terms of who is in it, where and how I live, and many other factors. But I wondered, “How does standing down marry up with asserting boundaries?” Over time, I’ve learned a few key strategies:

1. Step Back and Assess: Instead of immediately reacting to perceived threats or attacks, I now choose to step back and assess the situation calmly. When I feel triggered, I take a moment to pause and breathe. I ask myself if the situation truly warrants my internal reaction. If not, I know it’s an old wound that needs tending to. Then I consider whether my present situation requires a response and, if so, what kind of response is appropriate. This happened just this week when there was a miscommunication over a meeting time. As I was sitting, waiting for the person to arrive, feelings of “they don’t care” and abandonment set in. It was immediately obvious to me that this was an overreaction and that I had an old wound to attend to. Tending old wounds is key to recovering from old patterns. It's too much to capture here, but I’ll list some other articles at the end that go into it more.
2. Choose Battles Wisely: I know standing down doesn't mean ignoring my boundaries but, instead, choosing not to engage in every battle. Setting my boundaries with kindness and understanding, both towards myself and others, helps diffuse potential conflicts and reduces the emotional toll on me. A good litmus test is to consider whether something I’m being asked to do, or something someone else is doing, is causing pain, resentment, or other discomfort (in this situation today, not because it’s triggering old wounds).
3. Prioritize Energy: I aim to prioritize my energy and focus on issues that truly matter by keeping my long-term well-being and goals in mind. Not every situation requires a response, which is a complete change of behavior for me. Sometimes, letting minor things go can reduce stress and help me maintain a sense of peace (again, using the litmus test of whether this present situation is creating pain, resentment, or other discomfort).
4. Calm the Nervous System: I also work on techniques to calm my nervous system. Practices like deep breathing, mindfulness, tapping, meditation, and grounding exercises help me shift out of fight mode and respond more thoughtfully.

Letting Go of Control and Embracing Softness

Letting go of the need to control every aspect of my environment has been another important lesson for me. I have a tendency to micromanage, which is a trauma response that arose out of a need for control. It was my safety strategy. However, it is also true that my authentic self does not like to be controlled by anyone, and this independence has been integral to my growth, expansion, and success. So, it’s about not throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

Rather, my learning now is about receiving and easing into my softness while also maintaining my independence. My aim is to trust that things can unfold naturally without my constant intervention. I’m learning to be gentle with myself, understanding that shifting from a defensive mode to a more relaxed state is a process, and it’s okay to take it one step at a time. Here are some of the strategies I use:

1. Identify Non-Negotiable Boundaries: As above, I’ve identified which boundaries are non-negotiable and which ones I can be more flexible with. This helps me focus on what really matters without feeling the need to control everything. I practice speaking up about my boundaries early on, but in a calm and measured way. This prevents situations from escalating and helps me maintain my peace.
2. Delegate and Trust: This is a tough one for me! Deciding which areas truly require my attention and control, and which can be delegated or allowed to unfold naturally, is also part of the process. Patience isn’t easily found in a triggered state, but consciously focusing on delegating helps conserve my energy for what matters most. Working on building trust in others' abilities to handle tasks is a work in progress... I start with small tasks and gradually increase as I see positive results. This reduces my need to micromanage.
3. Use Positive Affirmations: I find this a bit cliché, but affirmations to reinforce my goals can be useful, such as: "I am in control of my actions and reactions," "I trust others to handle tasks," and "I am independent and expansive." But to really buy in, I first make a list of examples of things I’ve done (no matter how small) that demonstrate I can do it.
4. Continuous Self-Assessment: Assessing how my approach to boundaries and control actually affects my well-being is a continual process. I try to find the right balance, and to be kind to myself when I feel the urge to control everything. Acknowledging that this is a trauma response and giving myself grace as I work on changing this pattern helps.
5. Writing and Visualizing: Writing down my thoughts and feelings helps me process emotions and gain clarity on my goals and progress. I often use the emotions wheel to name what I’m feeling inside. I also practice visualizing myself as calm, in control, and independent in meditations as a tool to guide my actions.
6. Therapeutic Approaches: I’ve explored many therapeutic approaches, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and somatic experiencing, to work through trauma responses and develop healthier coping mechanisms. Different approaches have helped at different times.
7. Engage in Nurturing Activities: Participating in activities that encourage me to ease into my softness, such as spending time in nature, creative activities, or engaging in nurturing self-care practices, is quite pivotal.
8. Stay Grounded in Core Values: Regularly reminding myself of my core values and what truly makes me feel expansive and independent helps me stay grounded in my authentic self while letting go of the need for excessive control. Talking to my closest friends, my partner, or a therapist about the journey provides support, offers perspective, and helps me stay true to my goals. I have one friend in particular with a phenomenal memory and, when I’ve told her my goals or ah ha moments, she can often pull them out of her memory banks at just the right moment – sometimes years later - to remind me and keep me on track.
9. Celebrate Small Steps: Acknowledging and celebrating the small steps I take towards balancing control and independence, recognizing my progress, and using it as motivation to keep moving forward isn’t something I’m particularly good at, but I know it’s important. Embracing my vulnerabilities and recognizing the strength that comes from being my authentic self has been a powerful part of this journey.

In embracing the art of setting boundaries while healing from trauma responses, and learning to relinquish the need for micromanagement in favor of embracing my softness, it’s a profound journey with lots of ups and downs, self-discovery and healing. It has taught me the importance of assessing situations calmly, choosing my battles wisely, and prioritizing my well-being. Balancing my independence while cultivating trust in others and myself, I continue to evolve and find balance.

As you reflect on your own journey, consider the patterns in your life—how do you approach setting boundaries? Are there areas where you might benefit from letting go of control and embracing a softer approach? Challenge yourself to explore these questions, for within them lies the path to deeper self-awareness and growth.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy You Don’t Need to Be Perfect to Make a Breakthrough, Change Unhealthy Reactions, Parts Work and Its Importance to Your Growth, Heal Your Past Hurts To Help You Fulfill Your Potential, and Who Do You Need to Become in Order to Realise Your Dreams? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.