Heal Your Past Hurts To Help You Fulfill Your Potential

Image by Vishwam Heckert from Pixabay 

I want to acknowledge the many awful moments that my children have experienced the worst of who I am. Moments where I’ve dropped into flight or fight mode and spewed forth the worst of who my parents were to me in those same moments.

You know the moments, the ones where you suddenly realise how much you sound like your mother or father?

I also acknowledge the many awful moments in my life where my partners have experienced the worst of who I am. These were the moments I also dropped into flight or fight mode, or the sympathetic nervous system response, reacting to something that reminded me of the way I was treated as a child, only this time I wasn’t powerless to hold back my fury at such treatment.

You know the moments, the ones where you feel criticized, undervalued, blamed, or the many myriad of emotions that our parents used elicit in us as we were growing up?

I am not perfect, and I am not always right, if there is such a thing. But I do observe most of us walking around as our child selves dressed in adult skin. The real test is under stress, which is when we revert to old patterns.

I know that it would have helped me a lot growing up to have heard “it is not you; it is my stuff that I am dealing with”. Instead I heard “it is you, it is your bad behaviour that is making me act like this towards you.”

As a child, I had no context of the family history, I had no concept of what either of my parents had suffered themselves growing up, but I saw it written in their behaviours, and I thought I was to blame.
This is not about the atrocities that happen, though it applies to those things too, it is about the far more pervasive emotional abuse that occurs unknowingly in most households.

If I interact with others outside the home and have friends and colleagues who think I’m a nice person, it is lovely. But if I then walk through the door of my home each day and become someone less than lovely, it is a huge warning sign that I’m being inauthentic. 

The exhausting pretense of going out into the world and acting in ways I was taught and learned were appropriate means I then come home and am too tired, perhaps too hurt even, to keep that all up.
How I interact with my children, the example I show them in terms of my own emotional equilibrium and how I maintain it, is everything.

I can yell at them from the kitchen like a director shooting a movie and expecting absolute compliance, or I can walk over to where they are and look them in the eyes while talking to them. I mean, if I had a guest in my house, I wouldn’t just yell at them would I?

I can carry on yelling at them to hurry up while I myself am barely making it to the car on time, distracted by a message on my phone. Or I can ignore my phone and be more present with my kids and help get them to the car on time with much less fuss. Heck, we could even make a game out of it.

All of this seems so ridiculous and yet it is normal. Generation after generation unintentionally and unwittingly repeating wounds and hurts; until someone says “no more”.

For me personally, I have to be that person. I can’t accept behaviour from myself that perpetuates constant pain and mediocrity. If I am to fulfill my potential, if my kids have any hope of fulfilling theirs, we must unburden ourselves of these patterns.

​From all I have been able to ascertain, although many people tend to spend many hours in therapists offices around the world delving into their childhood, it takes more than just recognising where these behaviours and patterns come from. I have known many people able to recite quite aptly exactly why they are the way they are, and yet feel powerless to change.

Despite the best of intentions, without actual healing taking place, each time I get triggered, my sympathetic nervous system is turned on and, boom, I am back in child mode. That takes a huge amount of willpower and persistence to overcome.

True healing only ever seems to take place if the memories of the relevant events are refocused while in an open and relaxed state. As I mentioned at the outset, it would have helped me a lot growing up to have heard “it is not you; it is my stuff that I am dealing with”. Instead I heard “it is you, it is your bad behaviour that is making me act like this towards you.” That creates a shame state which is totally destructive.

Instead, if I can go back into some of those early memories in a relaxed state, preferably guided by someone who is experienced in this type of work, I can acknowledge that child-me deserved better. I can then refocus the memories away from an attachment to me being somehow bad, by recognising the real culprit; my parents’ own childhood traumas.

In Your Childhood Is Not Your Fault but It Will Be Your Limitation I talk about The Completion Process by Teal Swan, one of the most powerful techniques for healing I’ve used (and continue to use). Here is a link to an enlightening video of her doing this process with a client, it is certainly excellent at demonstrating just how early in our life these traumas occur and the patterns begin, and how to heal them.

There is also this other article that gives a great overview of trauma recognition and releasing techniques. Marisa Peers is another good self help source. Family Constellations is a possible way to go; there are many ways to conquer our shortcomings and suffering, it is just a question of finding something and someone who works for you.

As I said to someone else this week, you are never too old to heal. If there is breath still in us, I believe it is in fact our duty. I truly hope that you will make the quest to give yourself the love you deserve a priority in your life. It really will be a huge gift to you, but also an amazing legacy for your family. I will be cheering you on and celebrating as you step into your best life, giving us all hope and inspiration.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy You Are the Gift Your Ancestors Gave to the World, The People Who Hurt Us Are Vehicles for Our Growth, Whose Energy Is This Anyway? Stop Taking on Board How Others Are Feeling and Want Better Health? Be Shrewd About Stress. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.