Listening to a broadcast with Evette Rose earlier today on Finding Yourself Again, she said something that really resonated. It was along the lines of “To reconnect back to ourselves, our identity, who we are, what we want, what we need and what we like, requires some alone time. All these aspects of self become deeply challenged, influenced and tainted when our focus is so challenged just trying to cope, there’s no energy for it to be redirected back to us”.

Having just returned from an extended trip with my children, visiting friends and family who live so far away, it has been around two months since I last had any meaningful alone time. I’m talking about time that did not have anything or anyone scheduled into it and had no purpose other than to reconnect with myself.

I felt this all the more acutely because on the first day that I was set to have some time to myself, one of my offspring was sick and had to stay home from school. That is when it really hit me just how much I had been hanging on, awaiting that precious time. Thankfully, the day after she was well enough to go back to school and the kids were also staying at their dad’s that night. At last, a treasured twenty four hours with no plans.

I used the time to journal, to meditate, to take a walk on the beach and to connect in with my inner self. While doing so a conversation I had with my brother on the trip popped into my head. I had been reflecting on a strong personality I’d come across on my travels and how they like to be in control in order to remain confident and secure. He chuckled and asked who that might remind me of, and I conceded, smiling “Yes, yes, it takes one to know one, I know”.

Years ago my mum called me a control freak when I was making sandwiches for a picnic and she asked what she could do to help. While I’m generally a very organized person, I’m not great at assigning tasks to others in the moment, especially with two young kids in the background who also simultaneously wanted my attention. My brain seems to get overwhelmed and I freeze up, it’s easier just to work through things on my own.

I realised then that the very thing I had a pattern of trying to control was my own overwhelm.

During Evette’s broadcast she asked lots of questions like “Who are you (top three descriptions)? What are your strengths/weaknesses? What are your values? What gives you a sense of purpose/impact/meaning?” and so forth.

My sense of purpose has been on my mind forever but, certainly with the big trip, it’s been in focus as people have asked me time and again what I’m doing these days. Of the possibilities that exist, I am conscious that many of the choices are still a few years away since much of my time is still wrapped up in parenting. Yet many people have pointed out to me that I already make a difference in the way that I parent.

Over the years I have become increasingly aware how much productivity and economic contribution from adults is prized and expected above all else, I was very good at those things in my corporate life. Yet there are many others forms of contribution required this world in order for humanity to thrive, parenting being just one.

Really when I think about my sense of purpose it’s about being of service using my core strengths to help people connect in some way to their personal power and face psychological, emotional or spiritual challenges. It’s also about how we evolve the systems in society that are no longer serving us. How to help though, in ways that are uniquely me, is the (mainly elusive) question?

I liken this to walking through gardens and looking at a bed of flowers. Except in this case the flowers might be metaphorical careers, like writers or those who help people one on one, like coaches and psychotherapists. I identify with each “bed” a little, but not entirely. Instead I feel like I’m somewhere in a bed that is being cultivated and I just need time, nutrition and space enough to hold my sense of self long enough to pop through the surface and grow.

So when Evette asked about fears I thought instantly that my greatest fear is probably losing space that is already in short supply, space for connecting to myself and contemplating. I have a contemplative personality, a sensitivity I have run roughshod over in this society that values productivity.

I also fear the unknown at times. I wonder how can I define what I have to offer so it more closely matches who I am? How will I connect to my tribe? And so forth.

But when she asked what kind of person I want to be? What kind of people I admire and how can I cultivate these qualities? I knew straight away I want to be relaxed, at peace, trusting and trusted, helpful, inspired and inspiring. The most important quality is that connection to me.

I realise that overcoming my fears is a question of maintaining healthy boundaries around my “me” time, to allow the time to find myself again – over and over.  It’s as simple as that. Not easy, because life is busy and we have to make choices. As difficult as it can be, as much as I don’t like to let others down, I am starting to choose “me” more, because when I do it all flows from there.

Listening to a  beautiful podcast the other day with Belinda Womack, it had some great reminders of the massive support that's there seemingly shifting everything subtly behind the scenes in favour of my best and highest outcomes.  When I look in the rear view mirror and see how things lined up for me in the past, I can easily see the vast amount of things I didn't and couldn't have personally foreseen or planned. 

And I know deeply within my fibers that when I feel connected to me I see those signs and hear my inner guidance much more clearly. Where inspiration flows I shall follow the symbols, signs and furiously ride the wave from that standpoint rather than swimming against the tide. All of it stems from connecting into me.

What about you, what areas of your life would benefit from more “me” time? And how will you make this a priority?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Shift Focus and Make Time for You, You Will Flourish When You Take Alone Time to Hear Your Heart, The Power of Time Out This Holiday Season - Reconnect With the Real You and What to Do if You Feel Trapped By Your Circumstances.  To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

“What’s for you won’t go by you” is an old Scots’ phrase that my gran used to repeat often. It always resonated for me, and so I know not to ever regret decisions I’ve made in life because, one way or another, what is meant to be will be.

As I headed back to my adopted land with my children from a busy, month long trip to reconnect with family and friends in the land of my birth, I was thinking that - first and foremost - I must come home to myself. In reconnecting with others I found aspects of me there, and felt sated where I found them.

But it also feels like parts of me are still missing, I cannot say what they are, but I will only find them when alone. I need to reconnect with me, and my life in New Zealand allows for that, in many ways it is a simpler life and closer to nature.

Meanwhile there is the familiar grief, encompassing the usual feelings of returning from a long awaited vacation, but also more than that. There is a nagging thought “Why did I move quite so far from all that I knew and those that I loved all those years ago?”

It’s not that I regret moving from the place I was born, and it’s that not that I don’t love the place I’ve moved to, just that those worlds are quite so far from each other. As Helen Keller said “What we once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us”.

In perfect timing – and by coincidence as I was reading text from an unrelated email - I saw the words “It is too late to alter this circumstance, you must move on. Worrying is useless since you can't alter anything”. There was the truth I needed to hear, the one that put the ache in my heart into context.

Of course it won’t be true forever, but right now it is, and I trust that that this means it also serves a purpose beyond providing stability for the children. There will be ways, likely many ways, in which being where I am right now serves me. What that helped me do though was face “what is” instead of resisting it, and wishing I could change something I can’t.

But I am not going to bypass my feelings, I feel sorrow, of that there is no doubt. And I feel gratitude for the grieving process because that means there is something wonderful I miss, and that means there was – and still is – a lot of love for the people and land of my birth.

Henry David Thoreau said “Never smother your sorrow, but tend and cherish it ‘til it comes to have a separate and integral interest”. So I shall sit with my feelings as if I’m sitting with someone of great interest, and I shall open up to what they might actually be pointing to beyond that which may seem obvious.

What I’m searching for is a new perspective they might have to offer, or a seed of some new thought that will help me in my journey ahead. As if to affirm my process I received an email about spiritual bypassing this morning and Danielle LaPorte said:

“Spiritual bypassing is when you put a spiritual spin on a negative to avoid uncomfortable feelings. Before you find the gift in the pain, you have to face the pain in the gift”.

What that will reveal I have yet to discover. I will intentionally journal about it, and set aside time to ponder and process it, until I feel it is done and I have integrated the decision I made with the fabric of me.

In the not-too-distant past I did this with a bad relationship and, by not just diving on into another relationship, I learned the joy and benefits of being on my own for a while. I leaned about the unhealthy thought and behaviour patterns I’d been playing out time and again in attracting unhealthy relationships. I sat with my pain, I honoured it and I learned about boundaries, secure attachment, self love and authentic communication.

Instead of looking for people, things, circumstances outside of myself to take away my pain, I looked upon it as a teacher and learned the lessons it had to share. As a result, my life and particularly my primary relationship, is so much richer and healthier for having done so. 

Where is there sorrow in your life that you haven’t really dealt with? In what ways might that be affecting you? Is it time to get curious, sit down with the pain and see what lessons it has to offer, and the ways it might enhance the quality of your life in doing so?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Mankind’s Great Summons: Turn Your Pain Into Medicine and Heal the World, Reconnect With Loved Ones to Gain Some Perspective on Life, The Inevitable Pain of Returning to Love After Years of Abandoning Yourself and Pain as a Powerful Catalyst for Self Awareness and Growth.  To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

If I see, read or hear a phrase that really puts words to something I already feel or have experienced – whether or not it’s contained within a book, movie, someone’s belief, forecast or something I don’t otherwise resonate with - I capture it and weave it into the tapestry of “me”. It gives me greater clarity on who I am and my journey in this life.

It can be as simple as picking up a random book and reading a random sentence then interpreting how it may apply to any current dilemmas. As I’m on the move at the moment visiting family and friends, I haven’t had a lot of time or space for reading, reflection and contemplation. But even just scrolling through and keeping my email inbox tidy, a few things have popped out at me.

It was fun scanning through some astrological and tarot reading promotional emails. In my experience some people throw out the baby with the bathwater when it comes to anything prophetic.  Whereas I take what resonates and ditch the rest. That is the hack, it’s my quick way to my truth.

Words like “A new chapter is about to unfold”, “Life is a series of ebb and flow. As one chapter ends another begins” and “You’re at a pivotal moment in your life where you have an opportunity to unveil the deeper meaning to everything you’ve gone through thus far” really hit home.

I certainly feel myself on the brink of a new creative era and endeavours, I’ve been moving through a transit period as I have revisited the country where I was born and caught up with many of the people in my life who I love and grew up with. The question that I’ve been asked time and again over the last month is “So what are you doing now/going to do next?” While I write, coach and parent, what comes next still remains elusive; I had been hoping I’d gain some clarity while on the move.

To that end, I’m attuned to any words that help me find clarity and direction. Here are some questions that stood out among many of the things I’ve scanned while keeping my inbox tidy:

• What do you think would make you happy?
• Do you have a sense of accomplishment? Could you give me a sense of accomplishment?
• What might you do to make your life me complete?
• Is there already completeness or goodness in your life that you can’t see or appreciate?

But there were many many other words that caught my attention in just the last few days. Here is a conglomeration that describes perfectly who I am and the journey so far:

I aspire to being a better parent, spouse and, most importantly, an emotionally mature person. I seek to be kind, loving and compassionate. Family will always come first.

We have been taught to give our power away to circumstances and tend to believe we only feel good when something good happens. This creates a dangerous loop as it is our emotional state that manifests our circumstances, not the other way around.

My instinctive reaction is to control my emotional responses, keep my feelings under lock and key, and view things objectively. However this outward stability can mask deep pain and anxiety within. Rather than repressing emotions, which leads to poor health and depression, I am learning to let down my guard to allow myself to rely on the support of others.

The goal is also to learn to share some of the responsibilities I place on my shoulders with others. Through this, and showing my vulnerabilities, I have released many negative emotional patterns and unconscious fears. Much of my focus has been on developing empathy, self love and openness to dissolve walls put up to protect myself and find greater closeness with loved ones.

The main goal of maintaining peace and prosperity, which includes maintaining peace in and around people I love and care about, will always be assisting people in identifying what they are experiencing and determining how to address bad feelings. The same applies to me, this wisdom has been acquired through personal experience and empathy.

I have an innate understanding of the human condition and communication, which allows me to sense the mood and body language of others simply by looking at them or chatting to them briefly. I also have an ability to change personality and style effortlessly, to blend in with social surroundings. While that may serve me well in some situations it also means I can (and have) explain(ed) everything away with inventive excuses, keeping the heavy emotions of past mistakes at bay.

So I have had to learn to confront difficult and uncomfortable things head on, often shining the light of reason on them to soften the blow. But I’ve also learned to allow my own intuitive gifts to connect to my divinity.

My interests are varied and I am generally a quick study. Because of this, change is very important as I hate feeling “stuck”. I want to experience every flavour life has to offer. Gifted with an impressive way with words, I am able to excel in any area of life which relies on the power of language. And it is true that I am also a natural peace maker.

Justice wants us to take responsibility for what we’ve done, or for what others have done to us. While many of us would confess to avoiding responsibility, even fewer will admit to taking on blame we don’t deserve. This is certainly true when I look back and observe the patterns of anxious attachment attracting avoidant attachment and the people pleaser/rescuer attracting those with narcissistic traits.

Therefore I have had to learn to tell it as it is, to myself at the very least – no filters, spins or extraneous details. They say the truth hurts but also promise “it will set you free”. I can attest that this is true, now I know and love myself far more for who I really am, and am more attracted to those who appreciate that without me having to twist myself into different shapes to fit.

Probably as a result of all that, I can understand and sympathise with the pain of others and reach out to those in need. I resonate with igniting our inner light, allowing our inner wisdom to steer us in understanding meaning and applying it to our voyage of self exploration and personal development.

I am told that what makes me special is the unique way I approach everything I do with imagination and originality. Because of this I am told I will succeed in any artistic endeavour, such as writing, designing, dance, illustration or any vocation that requires you to inspire others. I can only hope this is true, but as it caught my attention, I have recorded it here.

Everything I’ve captured here about myself is actually taken from phrases given in those various quickfire promotional emails to me this week. I’m simply using this as an illustration to demonstrate that we do not need to be master of our own words, we only need to be master of our hearts and minds, and it’s perfectly okay to use others’ words to help us gain greater clarity and understanding of ourselves and our journey.

So what about you, is there anything contained in here that resonates for you? Would it help to perhaps capture some of the words you read/see/hear that could give you clarity on questions that remain unanswered for you? Give it a try this week and let me know what captures your attention.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How to Use Your Intuition With Confidence in Business and in Life, Leverage the Astonishing Power of Intuition, Flow and Kindness, Overwhelm? Worry? Lack of Confidence? Parts Work and Its Importance to Your Growth and What to Do if You Feel Trapped By Your Circumstances.  To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

One of the book’s Dr Gabor Mate has written is called When the Body Says No. I saw a short post by Organisational Psychologist Lisa Zigarmi last week that sums up the premise quite well, she said:

"We often forget that there is a whole other intelligence system available to us outside our minds. It's called the body. When making choices, leaders can forget to consult other intelligence systems like their body and emotions. These elegant systems are constantly ready to give us meaningful information, if we're open to listening. Modern conditioning has made leading a thinking-only endeavor. What if you heeded your body and emotional data too? Could you make more accurate decisions or aligned choices?”

While Gabor presents the reader with examples and evidence that relates to quite serious and chronic illness that results from continually ignoring these elegant systems, these days I appreciate the wisdom in listening far sooner than I have in the past.

At the moment I’m oversees with my children, visiting family and friends that they have only once met before in their lives and, even then, under rather sad circumstances. Aside of being long past overdue on connecting in with these wonderful people and places myself, I wanted my kids to know this side of their family and gain a deeper sense of their heritage.

However, after an extremely busy ten days – a holiday within the holiday – I am wrung out. A run of check-in’s/checkout’s, cheerleading my tired kids though a few tours, navigating unfamiliar transport systems, and a whole lot of driving, I have a sore head from all the tight muscles around my shoulders and neck, and frankly feel a bit nauseas.

As I woke up this morning and, as happens when arriving back from a holiday (even when it’s within another holiday), was confronted by many things I need to do, I groaned and realised it’s time to make some decisions because I can’t do it all; and certainly not all at once.

Although I only have a week left before I head back to the land I now call home, my body is saying “please relax, slow down, and take some time for some self care”.

So rather than shoe horn in many more things I would like to do, and many more catch ups with the people I have so enjoyed reconnecting with, I have to admit that we are all tired and –even if we left today - we have actually had a wonderful trip that has already met the expectations and desires that I had for it.

And as I sat here reflecting on what lessons I’d learned this week, and thinking “gosh I’d better get typing as I haven’t missed a week’s reflection in over eight years” I realised that this too is playing its part in the overwhelm, which is not its purpose.

So this week is short and sweet, I recognise these days that I can’t do everything and don’t want to. I want to make choices that will have the most positive impact on my (and my children’s) lives. What I’m choosing is a nice family lunch and a therapeutic massage tomorrow, as well as giving myself a few days to get through the things that will have to happen in order for my kids and I to travel home next week – rather than trying to get it all done now.

What about you? Are you busy trying to push through, or are you taking the time to tune into your body and emotions and really consider the choices that will have the most positive impact on your life overall?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Your Mind Will Try to Protect You By Resisting Your Healthy Boundaries, Walking the Line – When to Make Decisions for Our Kids, Who Cares How You Feel? and Stay or Go? Awesome Ways to Make a Breakthrough.  To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.