In New Zealand we have gone boots and all into lockdown this week after initially taking a getting-slowly-sucked-down-the-plughole-of-coronavirus-control-measures approach since the first case was reported here at the end of February.

I guess, having watched our fellow humans across the globe tackle it in different ways, the government here decided we were better to jump to the most stringent control measures. So one day, when our kids were at school, there was an unexpected nationwide address at 2pm announcing all this. By 3pm our kids were being picked up along with all their schoolwork, and non essential businesses closing for a minimum of four weeks.

While I know there are people who are worried about having enough income to get through, I feel gratitude for the decisive action the government here have taken, and what appears to be relatively good communication, support and quick decisions; it is quite refreshing. We have one friend who, within a day, received a decent hardship payment, but I am sure it is not all plain sailing for everyone.  
As I pondered the irony of finding myself overnight taking on the role of homeschool mum (a role I have always rejected in absolute self awareness despite my views on Evolving Education) I related strongly to a funny post someone shared “Day One of Home School: Two Students Suspended for Fighting, Teacher Fired.”

After a few days of infighting I decided that this was a golden opportunity for us as a family to get on a calmer footing and learn to communicate with each other more respectfully. In Be Accountable to Your Intentions and Find Blissful Peace I wrote about a tick sheet I created for myself, towards the end of last year, that was titled “I will speak respectfully to my children”. They get to decide each day if I get a tick or a cross.

Dr Laura Markham says “How can you expect a child to learn to control his own emotions if you don’t control yours? … If you were yelled at, it takes tremendous work not to yell…it’s not rocket science, it takes about three months.”

I followed her advice and, having seen it in action for a good few months, the kids were happy to get on board with a tick sheet of their own. For every five ticks, my youngest child gets a glass crystal, once she has collected five crystals she gets to choose what we, as a family, do for an hour. She has in mind our first activity: nail painting, including her dad.

I am also thinking about other opportunities for the kids to dictate their own learning and pace for a while, as well as looking after my partner who is currently undergoing a lengthy recovery from a rather bad riding accident.  Of course this is all while ensuring I take care of my own needs.

With the pace of life more natural than at any time since my childhood, this all feels like a golden opportunity to recalibrate. While we are not allowed to drive to the beach to take a walk, we are allowed to walk around our local neigbourhood, which has plenty of greenery.

I am also feeling blessed we have a garden that needs just a little bit of tending each day. It is enough to keep me connected to Mother Nature and not too much that I am overwhelmed, especially coming into autumn here. Our neighbours are friendly and helpful, and chats through the hedge and across the street are a welcome connection to other people outside of the electronic highway to everyone else.

My partner and I had already started an online course with Kelly McGonigal 40 Days to Positive Change, which is another blessing as it is not time heavy and supports all the changes we have had to make, as well as ones we want to make.

I’m even feeling blessed about the surge in theories and conspiracies, all of which are always interesting, I especially like this one as it made me think about what a virus (any virus) actually is. I don’t fully resonate with the conclusions, and - as always – I advocate just taking what resonates for you.

However, I’m not wading too deeply into any of that as these largely point to things outside my control at this juncture and there is a fine line between keeping myself informed and creating needless fear. It is much better that I focus the vast majority of my time on the things directly before me and on maintaining presence.

Meditation is always a non-negotiable for me, only fifteen minutes a day, but it keeps me consciously aware of my thought patterns and feelings and helps me course-correct pretty quickly. Last night when one of my kids refused to settle down to sleep, and kept bouncing out of bed well over an hour after her usual bed time, I found myself screaming “I just want to have some time to myself!” In light of that, today, Sunday, I’m taking some time out.

So is this the opportunity of a lifetime? An opportunity for us all to slow the pace, to reflect and think and make positive change? How can you turn the negatives into positives, what opportunities lie before you right now?

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy in Base Your Actions on Love Not Fear, What Is the Deal with Conspiracies? Want Better Health? Be Shrewd About Stress or Get out of Your Head and into Your Heart. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

What a crazy world I’ve lived in this week
LIfe full of that word virus yet it’s peace I seek

I don’t feel fear, not yet at least
More dismay at people preparing for famine than feast

Taking sensible steps is a chore in my head
Aspects of daily life getting harder is a thing one can dread

So each day I take the time
To seek that inner peace of mine

To gain some perspective on the conversations I hear
To choose rational thought and reclaim my inner peace over fear

It is not always easy I will admit
When I have an inbox full of things talking about it

I turn to my partner, my friends, my kids
Too much virus stuff, it gives me the skids

Yet the nuggets of gold are not hard to find
Mother Earth has taken a big out breath in areas human activity has declined

Life could actually slow down in a way
To help us contemplate the next positive play

The years after this virus hit
Will we make positive changes because of it?

​Will governments learn from this hullabaloo?
Who knows, but will you?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy in Base Your Actions on Love Not Fear, What Is the Deal with Conspiracies? Want Better Health? Be Shrewd About Stress or Get out of Your Head and into Your Heart. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I was listening to Claire Zammit coach someone this week in her workshop designed to help people break free from hidden power blocks. The particular block the lady had was around a deeply held desire to cultivate an intimate, growth-oriented relationship with a loving partner. Despite many attempts, she had yet to find the right person and has developed a story in her head about the universe perhaps having a different design for her life.

I recognised that story.

My deepest yearning is not the same; instead I feel a deep knowing that I am called to use my talents and gifts in service of others, but the answers about the next best step seem to evade me. Like the lady being coached, I have oftentimes accepted that – as my gran would say – what is for me won’t go by me, and I should just trust that life has a different plan right now.

But the yearning calls to me frequently, many times in each day; it refuses to remain subdued and feels like a dead weight inside. I constantly wonder what it is I am meant to be doing with my life, feeling a mix of emotions from the shame around a lack of contribution right now, to a lonely ache to be something more and blocked on moving forward.

Yet deep down I know life supports me in all I desire. I truly believe that, if something was not for me, I would not desire it. The desire is the seeds of creation I was born with, the beacon that calls me to the life I had intended when I volunteered to come forth.

I only have to look back on my life, and all the things that have happened, to see how life supports me. As Lance Allred, a former NBA player, said to Tami Simon in an interview about his new book The New Alpha Male:

“I’ve had to start over so many times in my life, and each time I look back and see how life has had my back, even when I didn’t feel like it did. And I can see how all of these experiences have set me up to be in a beautiful place that I could not have imagined in my own logical, analytical, left-brained head.”

Then a thought occurred to me last week as I caught part of a conversation between Jessica Ortner and a guest she was interviewing, it was about the upsides of sabotaging my success. As I chewed on that, I realised that, with not knowing my life path, there could be no more demands made on my time. I acknowledge I have a fear of overwhelm.

I’m someone who likes space around everything so I can fully experience and immerse myself in what is happening and have enough fluidity around it to dial it up or down or take it in a new direction. I don’t want the little spaces I’ve carved out taken up with other commitments.

When I dived into this using the parts work I described in Do You Really Know the Different Parts of You? I rediscovered the part of me who was joyful about some of the different aspects of working with people I experienced during my corporate career.

This more optimistic part of me was able to appreciate where the fear I had about overwhelm was coming from; life is busy. However, it was also a part of me that recognized there are many aspects of that busy life that are not bringing joy and – should I choose to redirect my energy to something more fulfilling – I can outsource those other aspects without feeling I’ve compromised anything.

It was the first time in a long while I had even reconnected with the part of me that believes that, not only can I have my deepest yearning, but it is my calling. This was very like the lady Claire was coaching, she had disconnected from her deepest desires and thus created a barrier between herself and the ways in which life was supporting her.

When Claire asked her to describe how it would feel to have the loving, connected relationship she was seeking, the lady gave a description that just sounded like a bullet point list we could all relate to in terms of words.

In that moment though I could hear so clearly what others have referred to in me, she was speaking from her head rather than her heart. I could not hear the yearning, the feeling, in her words. In contrast, when I was listening to Lance Allred talk I could hear the raw emotion when he talked about “so many deaths of so many dreams” and what it means to persevere.

Learning to tap into that heart space and be vulnerable is really the turning of a tide in my life. I’ve noticed it more in every aspect; the most authentic core of who I am is beginning to take its place in the sun.

What I found interesting, having been drawn to Claire Zammit’s work on Feminine Power and Lance Allred’s work on the New Alpha Male, is that both are singing from the same song sheet; both are deeply heart centred.

How heart centred are you? If you need help making that shift there are so many resources out there, including the ones I’ve mentioned here and the many others mentioned in my other articles. But the key thing is to become aware of our subconscious patterns and blocks and – to steal’s Lance’s phrase -  “catch them quicker” and recentre ourselves in alignment with our deepest desires.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy in Get out of Your Head and into Your Heart. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I can see that loving me for who I am, today, not what I can be tomorrow, and loving my life for what it is today, is a worthy goal in every respect. But if I can’t do it today, if I can’t love myself, will I beat myself up? Or will I allow in enough love, enough understanding, to be gentle with myself and simply try again tomorrow, knowing I am doing the best I can?

I don’t find it easy to be kind to myself. Growing up I learned I often had to be something else, someone else, than who I was being in that moment, to be loveable. This was inadvertent, through a combination of messages about acceptable behaviours and my parents’ reactions to my thoughts, desires and requests; it was certainly not intentional on their part.

Then, in early adulthood, I fell totally and utterly in love. Finally, I felt I had someone who could love me for me, someone who brought out something more light-hearted in me. But less than two years later, he left me.

As I was swallowed by a gaping chasm of pain, loneliness and grief, I blamed myself for being too needy and too serious.  Maybe I was those things, but I can see now I was still loveable; the only person who didn’t understand that was me.

I beat myself up about that for decades, decades, and kept playing out some version of needing to be more in my life in order to be happy. And did it make me happy? No, according to an amazing lady I met recently who has the capacity to reflect back to me exactly who I am being in that moment, formidable is what I have become.

This is not gentle; it is not kind; it is not loving; it is harsh.

With my partner incapacitated at the moment, having broken his leg, this is probably the most time we have had together since our children were born. It has led to some interesting and introspective conversations about the things our children are reflecting back to us, things that we might want to change about ourselves and our habits.  

I’ve always known how different my partner and I are, but what these conversations have crystallised for me is just how self satisfied my partner is versus my opposite sense of self dissatisfaction.  He has a self satisfied light that beams from him; it was one of the first things that attracted me to him.

In truth, I believe that light is within us all, it is just that it’s often obscured.

In our parenting, while my partner and I each recognise aspects of ourselves that are less than desirable, our reactions to that are quite different. I am hard on myself, feeling less than, and driven to change. He is far gentler with himself and, while wanting and committing to change, still remains essentially self satisfied.

It is not that I haven’t felt the satisfaction of the expansive and joyful feeling of connecting with the source of who I am, it is more that many of my thoughts and beliefs disconnect me. The sense of self worth I have was not built from the inside out; it was built on trying to please others outside myself.

This is something I have sought to fix on the journey to me, and I have spent the last few years getting to know many of the parts of me that I have denied, rejected or disowned. But my reaction to these recent conversations with my partner has given me another lens through which to look. I can consider that the path to enlightenment is also, paradoxically, another path upon which I can opt to beat myself up.

Spiritual growth is something I thrive on, and there is no doubt it is a good thing. However, if I see the growth as necessary for me to be somehow more worthy than I am today, then I know that is not serving me. It is, in fact, contradicting the very growth I seek.

Being gentle with myself, while learning to love all the parts of me, is something I am yearning and learning, slowly. It takes vulnerability and willingness to set strong boundaries around my own needs and desires.

Meanwhile, I know that every day of my life I’ve done the best I could, with what I knew, felt and believed at the time. I can’t change the past, but I can change how I view it, and I can certainly change how I view things in the present.

What about you, how hard are you on yourself? Do you fear that going easier on yourself will lead to more disappointment or not meeting other people’s expectations? Do you feel worthy of love? I like to look at it this way, would you benefit from more love? And if you are not able to give it to yourself, do you think others will be able to love you enough to make up for that?

I pray that we each find ways to let the love in, because I don’t have to use much imagination to picture this world full of people who are withholding themselves from love. But a world full of self loving people?  Now, that would be quite something.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Why Resenting Your Parents is Healthy, You Are the Gift Your Ancestors Gave to the World, The People Who Hurt Us Are Vehicles for Our Growth, Whose Energy Is This Anyway? Stop Taking on Board How Others Are Feeling and You Are Not as Important to Your Parents as You (or They) Think. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. Heal Your Past Hurts To Help You Fulfill Your Potential.

I want to acknowledge the many awful moments that my children have experienced the worst of who I am. Moments where I’ve dropped into flight or fight mode and spewed forth the worst of who my parents were to me in those same moments.

You know the moments, the ones where you suddenly realise how much you sound like your mother or father?

I also acknowledge the many awful moments in my life where my partners have experienced the worst of who I am. These were the moments I also dropped into flight or fight mode, or the sympathetic nervous system response, reacting to something that reminded me of the way I was treated as a child, only this time I wasn’t powerless to hold back my fury at such treatment.

You know the moments, the ones where you feel criticized, undervalued, blamed, or the many myriad of emotions that our parents used elicit in us as we were growing up?

I am not perfect, and I am not always right, if there is such a thing. But I do observe most of us walking around as our child selves dressed in adult skin. The real test is under stress, which is when we revert to old patterns.

I know that it would have helped me a lot growing up to have heard “it is not you; it is my stuff that I am dealing with”. Instead I heard “it is you, it is your bad behaviour that is making me act like this towards you.”

As a child, I had no context of the family history, I had no concept of what either of my parents had suffered themselves growing up, but I saw it written in their behaviours, and I thought I was to blame.
This is not about the atrocities that happen, though it applies to those things too, it is about the far more pervasive emotional abuse that occurs unknowingly in most households.

If I interact with others outside the home and have friends and colleagues who think I’m a nice person, it is lovely. But if I then walk through the door of my home each day and become someone less than lovely, it is a huge warning sign that I’m being inauthentic. 

The exhausting pretense of going out into the world and acting in ways I was taught and learned were appropriate means I then come home and am too tired, perhaps too hurt even, to keep that all up.
How I interact with my children, the example I show them in terms of my own emotional equilibrium and how I maintain it, is everything.

I can yell at them from the kitchen like a director shooting a movie and expecting absolute compliance, or I can walk over to where they are and look them in the eyes while talking to them. I mean, if I had a guest in my house, I wouldn’t just yell at them would I?

I can carry on yelling at them to hurry up while I myself am barely making it to the car on time, distracted by a message on my phone. Or I can ignore my phone and be more present with my kids and help get them to the car on time with much less fuss. Heck, we could even make a game out of it.

All of this seems so ridiculous and yet it is normal. Generation after generation unintentionally and unwittingly repeating wounds and hurts; until someone says “no more”.

For me personally, I have to be that person. I can’t accept behaviour from myself that perpetuates constant pain and mediocrity. If I am to fulfill my potential, if my kids have any hope of fulfilling theirs, we must unburden ourselves of these patterns.

​From all I have been able to ascertain, although many people tend to spend many hours in therapists offices around the world delving into their childhood, it takes more than just recognising where these behaviours and patterns come from. I have known many people able to recite quite aptly exactly why they are the way they are, and yet feel powerless to change.

Despite the best of intentions, without actual healing taking place, each time I get triggered, my sympathetic nervous system is turned on and, boom, I am back in child mode. That takes a huge amount of willpower and persistence to overcome.

True healing only ever seems to take place if the memories of the relevant events are refocused while in an open and relaxed state. As I mentioned at the outset, it would have helped me a lot growing up to have heard “it is not you; it is my stuff that I am dealing with”. Instead I heard “it is you, it is your bad behaviour that is making me act like this towards you.” That creates a shame state which is totally destructive.

Instead, if I can go back into some of those early memories in a relaxed state, preferably guided by someone who is experienced in this type of work, I can acknowledge that child-me deserved better. I can then refocus the memories away from an attachment to me being somehow bad, by recognising the real culprit; my parents’ own childhood traumas.

In Your Childhood Is Not Your Fault but It Will Be Your Limitation I talk about The Completion Process by Teal Swan, one of the most powerful techniques for healing I’ve used (and continue to use). Here is a link to an enlightening video of her doing this process with a client, it is certainly excellent at demonstrating just how early in our life these traumas occur and the patterns begin, and how to heal them.

There is also this other article that gives a great overview of trauma recognition and releasing techniques. Marisa Peers is another good self help source. Family Constellations is a possible way to go; there are many ways to conquer our shortcomings and suffering, it is just a question of finding something and someone who works for you.

As I said to someone else this week, you are never too old to heal. If there is breath still in us, I believe it is in fact our duty. I truly hope that you will make the quest to give yourself the love you deserve a priority in your life. It really will be a huge gift to you, but also an amazing legacy for your family. I will be cheering you on and celebrating as you step into your best life, giving us all hope and inspiration.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy You Are the Gift Your Ancestors Gave to the World, The People Who Hurt Us Are Vehicles for Our Growth, Whose Energy Is This Anyway? Stop Taking on Board How Others Are Feeling and Want Better Health? Be Shrewd About Stress. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.