Listening to Terri Cole recently, she describes the high-functioning codependent (HFC) as someone who takes on more than their share of responsibility for others, often to their own detriment. It’s someone who appears successful and in control on the outside, yet struggles with deep-rooted patterns of people-pleasing, neglecting their own needs, and seeking validation from others, often sacrificing their well-being to maintain relationships or avoid conflict.

She said “the bandwidth that you’re bleeding for this level of over-functioning leaves you feeling exhausted, resentful, maybe a little bit bitter, underappreciated for all that you do, for all the people that you do it for in your life. You end up not fully self-expressed because you’re too busy managing everything”.

It’s a familiar role for me, one I’ve worked to unravel, yet hearing her describe it this way brought an ‘aha’ moment. It gave me a framework to revisit some old patterns I’ve been noticing – patterns that seem to show up even in unexpected places, like my car.

My not-so-old Mazda had been struggling, these modern diesel engines are designed to recirculate their exhaust emissions back through the engine and, due to a poor design, the exhaust system was overloaded with soot and may also to have been overpressurising the cooling system. I couldn’t help but wonder if my mechanical issues were nudging me at look my own inner state as well, as I could see the parallels.

Author Anette Noontil would tell me that it could indeed represent an internal pressure building up due to unresolved emotions, unaddressed issues, or stress that I've been carrying without fully acknowledging. The car’s system, under strain but without immediate warning lights, suggests that while I've been functioning well so far, there may be underlying tensions that, if left unresolved, could lead to a more significant mental, emotional or physical breakdown. 

So I started to thinking about what might be "clogging my inner world' so to speak and started looking at my inner voices. Despite all the work I’ve done—on boundaries, attachment and other healing, and personal growth—I still hear so many voices in my head: self-criticism, judgment, fear, longing. One night, when I was particularly tuned in, I caught a torrent of snippets, each carrying its own weight:”I’ve failed”, “I’m not a good enough parent”, “Why am I being so harsh?”, “You’re being unkind”, and the list went on and on.

Terri’s words helped me see how these voices, while shaped by care and responsibility, also reflect a draining of my emotional bandwidth. The more I try to keep everything together, the more I feel the strain—and the less room I have for kindness, love, and connection, especially with myself.

I’ve felt this strain physically too. Terri mentioned that as we get older, we have less tolerance for the lack of satisfaction that comes from this over functioning in relationships. Burnout is common, especially for women who are perimenopausal and hitting the wall because of all the physical changes.

Chronic stress has left its marks—weight gain, fatigue, and mood swings—but it’s also shaped how I show up in my relationships. When I look back on the romantic, more innocent and vulnerable person I once was in my younger days, I mourn the loss of her. Years of defensiveness, perfectionism, and survival mechanisms have distanced me from that part of myself. Now, in my relationships, I see how my guard goes up, even – or maybe particularly – when someone is being kind.

Taking a moment to acknowledge the enormity of what we're unpacking and giving ourselves permission to pause is invaluable. I’ve learned overwhelm is a natural part of growth, it doesn’t mean we’re starting over or failing; it means our system is processing and integrating new levels of awareness. Healing doesn’t happen in a straight line—it’s cyclical, with deeper layers revealing themselves over time. It’s okay to feel like this is a lot—because it is – and we’re allowed to take it one step at a time.

So I asked myself (or more accurately ChatGPT), when I notice the pattern, what can I do differently. Here are some questions we can ask ourselves:

1. "Am I carrying something right now that isn’t mine to carry?"
   This question invites us to pause and evaluate whether we're taking on responsibilities, emotions, or tasks that others can or should handle for themselves.
2. "What would it look like to assume love in this moment?"
   This helps us shift from defensiveness to openness, encouraging us to interpret others’ words or actions through the lens of care and connection rather than fear or mistrust.
3. "What part of me is trying to protect itself, and is this protection still needed?"
   This prompts self-reflection on defensiveness and creates an opening for trust and vulnerability.
4. "What’s the one thing that truly matters right now?"
   This question can help cut through the noise of competing priorities, aligning our energy with what feels most vital in the moment.
5. "What does the part of me that feels overwhelmed need most right now?"
   This shifts focus to nurturing ourselves rather than powering through or bypassing our feelings.
6. "What small step can I take that feels easeful and aligned?"
   Helps us release pressure of perfectionism and productivity and move forward without burning out.
7. "How can I model the behaviour I want to see in my kids right now?"
   Encourages us to embody the values and attitudes we hope to inspire in our next generation rather than directing them or solving their issues for them.
8. "How would I show up today if I truly believed everything is working out for me?"
   Grounds us in faith and alignment, countering fear-driven narratives.
9. " What would trusting myself and the process look like in this moment?"
   This question brings together themes of self-compassion, releasing control, and aligning with our deeper desires without being overwhelmed by external pressures

These questions invite us to pause, tune into our intuition, and take aligned action or rest—whatever feels most nurturing and authentic in the moment.

Perhaps what my car—and Terri’s concept of the HFC—are reminding me is that it’s okay to slow down, to clear the buildup, to stop running on fumes. It’s okay to make space for the softer, more vulnerable parts of myself. And maybe, just maybe, it’s through reconnecting with those parts that I can not only restore balance within but also show up more fully for the people I love.

Another key for me, as someone who relies so much on myself for everything, is to remember I’m not alone in this. Sure, I’ve built a foundation of resilience through personal growth, but I also now know I’m part of a larger community of people navigating similar patterns.

When I heard these words, it was the permission I needed to give myself:

“This isn’t the beginning of your journey—it’s a continuation, and you’re on a more advanced level now. Be gentle with yourself. Healing isn’t about eradicating every pattern at once; it’s about noticing them, choosing differently when you can, and accepting that transformation is a process, not a destination. You’re exactly where you need to be”.

What I needed to remember most is that overwhelm isn’t a sign of failure; it’s a natural part of the growth process. Awareness can make all the difference—it can turn a potential breakdown into an opportunity for a breakthrough.

Transformation comes when we fully engage with the struggle, embracing it rather than resisting. As Glennon Doyle wisely says, we need to "be in it" long enough to extract the lessons our challenges have to offer. Terri emphasises a key aspect of recovering from codependency is learning to hold space for discomfort—our own at others’ discomfort—without jumping into problem solving mode, and allowing it to guide us toward healing.

As I reflect on my journey and the process of unraveling these patterns, I invite you to pause and consider where you might be holding onto the weight of others' emotions or responsibilities. Healing and growth aren’t linear, and it’s okay to feel overwhelmed as you confront these deeper layers of yourself. Ask yourself:

• What am I carrying that isn’t mine to carry?
• How can I allow space for my softer, more vulnerable parts to show up?
• What small, easeful step can I take today that nurtures my soul and my well-being?
• And, most importantly, how can I be gentle with myself in this process, knowing that every step, no matter how small, is a part of my continued evolution?

Transformation happens in the moments where we sit with our discomfort and allow ourselves the grace to grow at our own pace. Your journey, just like mine, doesn’t have to be about perfection. It’s about noticing the patterns, taking action when we can, and giving ourselves permission to rest when we need it. Imagine what we could do with all that freed-up bandwidth—what we could create, how we could show up for ourselves, and the deeper connections we could cultivate with others.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Beyond the Silver Bullet - Embrace the Upward Spiral of Transformation, How to Fulfil Your Long Desired Yearning for Belonging, The People Who Hurt Us Are Vehicles for Our Growth and How Do I Honour What I Believe and Care Less What You Think?  To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

Does the thought of another holiday party leave you feeling anxious? As a bit of an introvert, I’ve often found social events draining—even more so when life is busy. I cherish casual, incidental interactions at work or school but struggle with purely social gatherings unless it’s close friends or family.

This time of year, invitations make my body anxious and my mind race with all the other commitments and issues in my life. It’s like a cartoon engine blowing its gasket—I feel completely overwhelmed. I feel completely overwhelmed and wonder how I’m going to steer the ship that is Shona around this particular iceberg.

Because I tend to be fairly outgoing and friendly in social settings, which is apparently quite common for a lot of introverts (and threw me off of recognising my introversion for a long time), people often don’t realise the energy cost behind the scenes. I’m one of those people who seems chatty and confident but ends up feeling like I’ve got a hangover the next day (and I don’t even drink). It’s just how I’m wired—my energy comes from quiet time, so I tend to pick and choose my peopling carefully.

It’s fascinating to see how introversion and extraversion show up differently in my kids. One thrives on social interaction like a magnet to energy, while the other is like me—appearing confident but needing quiet to recharge. Balancing these dynamics taught me the importance of understanding and honoring everyone’s energy levels, including my own.

Attempting to balance out the energy levels across a collective is more of an art than a science and it looks fabulous when I get it right, and ugly when I don’t. That said, when my mum was dying several ago now, it served as a turning point in my – what had been up to then - superwoman approach.

For a time I simply just couldn’t participate in anything other than essential tasks. My physical health took a turn for the worse, and I was definitely in the burnout zone. This of course necessitated a rethink and reprioritisation of the way I handled things, it kicked off a whole new approach to honouring my own needs and values that has led to a very different life today.

Learning how to hold my boundaries with grace has been a journey, and sometimes it’s still a bit clunky, but I’m getting better at it. Of course I don’t want people I know and communities I’m a part of to feel like I’m not interested, there’s a balance between honoring my introverted nature and exploring ways to engage meaningfully without overextending myself or feeling out of place.

Claire Zammit and Katherine Woodward Thomas's perspective on belonging offered me a helpful lens here—it’s about finding the right ways to contribute and connect that feel authentic to us, rather than forcing ourselves into spaces that don’t resonate.

Over the years, I’ve learned to protect my energy while still fostering connection. Here’s how I navigate the tricky dance of saying no gracefully while staying engaged in meaningful ways:

1. Acknowledging the Introversion: I am now clear and can embrace that I’m introverted, and fully recognise that it’s okay to prioritise my energy and well-being. It’s not about rejecting the community but choosing how and when to engage in ways that feel right for me.
2. Seeking Smaller Opportunities to Connect: Instead of large gatherings, I look for smaller, more meaningful ways to participate within my comfort zone—like having one-on-one conversations, casual chats in passing as part of the day to day routines, or helping with planning or behind-the-scenes tasks.
3. Redefining Belonging: I now know I don’t have to socialise like others in a group to belong. Belonging can also mean showing up as my authentic self in the ways I feel comfortable. Contributing doesn’t mean stretching myself thin—it might be as simple as sharing my perspective when asked or offering support in quieter ways.

To explain this perspective to someone in a group setting, I’ll use an A.I. generated guess at how one of my favourite introverts, author Glennon Doyle, would likely explain it with heartfelt honesty, vulnerability, and a touch of humor, leaning into the idea of embracing one’s truth unapologetically while still being kind to others. She might say something like this to her child’s school community:

"Thank you for putting this event together—it’s such a gift to the community! I’m a classic introvert and love connecting in smaller, quieter ways, like at pickup or playdates. Big events leave me drained and needing a day to recover, so I’m learning to honor that while cheering you on. Have a wonderful time!"

I like it because this approach acknowledges the effort of others, speaks to her truth with self-awareness, and gently explains why she might not attend without diminishing her care for the community. Obviously we’d each come up with our own version of that which feels just right for us and relevant to the situation, but it helps steer me in the right direction.

If you feel guilty for saying no to social events, remember that honouring our energy isn’t selfish—it’s essential. By understanding and embracing our needs, we can find authentic ways to connect that leave us feeling fulfilled rather than depleted. Whether it’s redefining belonging, seeking smaller opportunities to engage, or simply being honest about our boundaries, there’s power in showing up as our true self.

So next time you’re tempted to push past your limits, pause. Ask yourself what feels right, and give yourself permission to prioritise your well-being. Your energy—and your community—will thank you for it.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Reclaim Your Power - How to Break Free from a World That Runs You, Do You Need to Heal Your Boundaries?, Win-Win-Win Giving and How Do I Honour What I Believe and Care Less What You Think?  To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

Change is constant, but there are moments when it feels particularly unsettling. It’s in these times of uncertainty that the desire for stability—both externally and within ourselves—becomes most apparent. Psychologists call these the “big stressors”—like changes in relationships, moving house, or having children.

A good friend of mine recently bought her first home, and I couldn’t be happier for her—it’s been a long-held dream. She’s feeling a mix of excitement, relief, and renewal. After moving multiple times over the past few years to find stable rentals in New Zealand’s challenging market, she now has a place she can call her own.

I can relate to the relief she feels. I entered the rental market a couple of years ago after owning my own home for most of my adult life. Moving to this town almost a decade ago felt like a welcome change from the high cost of living in Auckland, and it allowed me to focus more on parenting. Our family settled into the community, and my children began school here. But when they needed to transition to two homes, the housing market had surged to near-Auckland prices. As a sole parent, buying became out of reach, and I found myself needing to rent.

The rental market can feel like a constant state of impermanence. Limited availability, rising rents, and the unpredictability of landlord decisions mean that housing stability is hard to find. After less than two years in my first rental, for example, the owners moved back in with only two months’ notice—just six weeks before Christmas. It was an exhausting scramble to find a new home. Now, I’m in a place owned by a couple who plan to retire here, which could mean staying for a while or facing another unexpected move.

The costs and physical energy required to pack and move repeatedly can make it hard to feel settled, like the place you’re in is truly a home. When my friend tells me she’s finding joy in simple things—like daydreaming about cosy evenings or planning a festive Christmas—it’s a stark contrast to last year when she barely had the energy to put up a tree. The physical exhaustion from constantly moving has been overwhelming, but now she’s experiencing a sense of calm as she settles into a space that represents security—a place from where she doesn’t have to move again. She mentioned that the kids are still processing the change, but they’ll soon begin to understand the depth of this new sense of safety and stability.

Why do we crave stability so strongly when change is inevitable? Psychologists say it’s because stability offers emotional comfort, a sense of predictability, and control. As humans, we naturally thrive on routines and familiar surroundings; these provide a sense of safety and grounding. Change, on the other hand, can bring uncertainty and trigger stress. From an evolutionary perspective, stability was key to survival, and our brains still respond to instability as a threat. In moments of change, this natural craving for stability can feel even more intense—offering a refuge, a safe space amid the unpredictability.

Adding to the sense of instability, this year has brought a series of unforeseen changes to the latest rental property I now live in. The owners have undertaken extensive work on the outside of the property, which has been more protracted than I expected. What initially seemed like a short-term project has unfolded in stages, often with minimal notice, leaving me uncertain about what to expect next.

I’ve been clear in expressing my need for more communication and respect for my space, yet the work has continued with occasional surprises. As a tenant, I view myself as a custodian of the home—caring for it and respecting it as our living space. As the eyes and ears on the ground, by discussing plans ahead of time, asking for feedback on the works, and showing understanding for any inconveniences, this could be a partnership that really benefits everyone involved to minimise disruption.

This external instability has prompted me to reflect on how I can maintain internal calm amid external change. In times like these, it’s so easy to slip into frustration and judgment, assuming that others should be more considerate, more communicative, or at least see things from my perspective. But the truth is, we can’t always change other people’s behaviour or values, only our response to them. And sometimes, what we react to most strongly isn’t the situation itself but the old voices and narratives within us that get triggered.

I recently came across two quotes from novels that capture this beautifully. In Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine, Eleanor begins to notice the difference between her own voice, which is calm and understanding, and her mother’s critical voice, which had often pushed her toward judgment. She says, “The voice in my own head—my own voice—was actually quite sensible and rational. It was Mummy’s voice that had done all the judging… I was getting to quite like my own voice, my own thoughts.” This quote resonates because it’s a reminder of how easily we slip into reactions shaped by others’ judgments or unexamined beliefs.

In another story, The Cassandra Complex, Cassandra speaks about the importance of listening to our own intuition, describing it as a “solidness” within—a safe place we each have that knows the truth. The idea that we each have a unique sensation or physical feeling where our truth lives struck me, particularly when she so eloquently said, “I get caught up with trying to read all the music around me instead of one note inside myself”. When I listen closely to my body’s signals, I can feel when something’s not right, or when I’m reacting from habit rather than from my authentic self.

These reflections have helped me see that the inner calm I’m looking for is already within me; it’s just about tuning into my own voice rather than getting caught up in frustration. When I tune in, I’m reminded of how I really want to show up in situations like this one with my landlord—with patience, constructive feedback, and respect for my own peace of mind. It’s a powerful shift that’s allowed me to feel more grounded and intentional.

With this approach in mind, I’ve been exploring ways to handle the situation with patience and positivity. Here are some reflections I’ve found helpful for setting boundaries and maintaining peace, which are just as applicable in other challenging situations like workplace conflicts, family disagreements, or even navigating difficult conversations with friends or colleagues:
​

1. Focus on What We Can Control – Shift our attention to our mindset and actions.
2. Create Space – Limit engagement to avoid escalation, and take time to reflect.
3. Adapt & Stay Flexible – Embrace disruptions and find new ways to move forward.
4. Document & Clarify – Write things down to make sense of confusion and clarify our priorities.
5. Prioritise Our Well-Being – Invest in self-care to maintain resilience.
6. Set Boundaries – Practice emotional detachment and protect our peace.
7. Give Constructive Feedback – Foster growth by framing feedback as a tool for collaboration.

In short, these practices build resilience, respect, and collaboration. By applying them broadly, we can transform how we handle conflicts, disruptions, and boundaries in all areas of life—whether at work, in our relationships, or with ourselves.

By tuning into my inner voice and practising these reflections, I’m learning to approach challenges with greater peace and grace. It’s a process of breaking old patterns and creating more calm, not only for myself but as a foundation for others to follow.

Take a moment to reflect on your own sources of inner calm, what practices or mindsets help you navigate times of uncertainty? Whether it's focusing on what you can control, practicing patience, or simply giving yourself permission to step back and reset, let’s embrace the change around us with intentionality, cultivating peace even when external circumstances feel unstable. Because, after all, it’s not about controlling the chaos—it’s about finding our way through it, with grace. In embracing the inevitable changes around us, may we all find the inner calm that allows us to navigate the chaos with grace, creating stability not just for ourselves, but for those we share our journey with.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy What Makes You So Afraid of Conflict?, When Detours Define Your Destiny and Struggles Forge Your Strengths, When Life Throws Curveballs... Embrace the Twists and Turns of Parenthood with Confidence and Reclaim Your Personal Freedoms: The Path to Empowerment Amid Alluring Promises. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

When Evette Rose first asked me, "Do you know how to have boundaries without having to fight for them? And how to have peace, respect, love, and support without fighting for it?" I didn’t know the answer. I have kept this question close ever since and can now honestly say, "Yes."

Over time, I've learned to maintain my boundaries without getting overly triggered, even when dealing with people who disregard them. This has been mentally taxing, perplexing, and oftentimes frustrating. However, I now have the experience of holding my boundaries without triggering my prefrontal cortex to shut down, inducing mental paralysis and panic. This has reduced my stress and allowed me to remain calm and clear-headed.

Sometimes we can walk away from boundary violators, and sometimes we can’t, making it critical to learn how to navigate holding our boundaries, even if that means going through a legal process. Lawyers and court systems are not my favorite arena. In my early twenties, I experienced a car accident caused by a driver who fell asleep at the wheel. The driver denied causing the accident, leading us to court. I was naïve, believing that simply telling the truth would suffice.

The driver was dazed and didn’t offer much at the scene; he had driven straight over the central line, glancing off my car and crashing into the one behind, causing it to flip. We were stunned when he denied causing the crash. I remember us all sitting in one of the waiting rooms to be called one at a time to the witness stand.

Then came the moment when the driver’s lawyer, with his funny little wig you see in British TV dramas, looked at me and said with conviction, “I put it to you, Miss Keachie, that you were the one who crossed the central line and crashed into my client.” I was momentarily stunned, then enraged.

My mum had taught me nothing if not to be honest. That lesson had been locked in many years before. Facing the consequences of my actions isn’t something I’d shy away from; I learned from an early age to own my actions. To have this guy accuse me of the very thing he had done was infuriating. I think I responded with great indignance, that indeed I had not lost control and driven on the wrong side of the road, but I threw in a profanity for emphasis and got reprimanded by the judge, which then put me in freeze mode.

It turned out that the guy was training to be a driving instructor, and his conviction would end his career before it started. In order to get what he wanted, he saw no harm in accusing others of his own behaviour. Clearly, he was not brought up by parents like mine. I have to say, I’d rather be honorable, so I am glad they taught me to be that way. Naivety, though, was a lesson life has since shaken me out of.

There have been a couple of other occasions where I have found myself getting activated within the legal system, but it’s not the system itself; it’s how people often use it to exacerbate already stressful situations. Disputes over a deceased person’s estate, disputes over property, tax, land, custody battles—the list goes on.

In my life, I’ve certainly come up against some very self-serving people. To be fair, I think we are all driven to be self-serving; it’s our nature. If we don’t put our own needs first, who will? What I’m referring to are those people who do it at the expense of others, like the driver of that car. They are the ones our nervous systems are supposed to alert us to, but many of us have maladapted nervous systems.

Neural pathways begin to form in response to how well (or not) our needs are met in childhood, regardless of parents' intentions or love. Dr. Gabor Maté explains that children are inherently connected to their parents (or caregivers) for survival. Even small rejections can force children to choose between rejecting their parents or parts of themselves, as rejecting parents is not an option when we are little and completely reliant. Our set point of "safe" in the nervous system, the command center of a human’s fight-flight response, therefore directly relates to the home life we experienced growing up. 

For those with overt abuse, trauma is easily recognizable. But even for many with seemingly normal childhoods, developmental trauma may still exist. This makes rational sense when you consider that, for a long time, the focus of child-rearing has been on teaching children to be good and fit in. While important, this should come after establishing a healthy sense of self and safety, which is often overlooked. 

Common occurrences like leaving a baby to cry or forcing a child to eat on a schedule can feel rejecting to a child. While such treatment might make an adult feel isolated and unimportant, for a dependent child, these experiences can be profoundly devastating. Repeated instances can lead to developmental trauma, resulting in emotional overreactions and nervous system dysregulation in unrelated situations later in life.

More critically, these early experiences can instill unhelpful belief patterns such as "I’m unworthy," "I’m alone," "I’m powerless," "I’m not wanted," "I don’t belong," and/or "I’m worthless" to name a few. This often manifests as inherited patterns of behavior. James Redfield's "The Celestine Prophecy" describes four archetypal control strategies parents employ: Intimidators, Interrogators, Aloofs, and Poor Me's. These strategies perpetuate unhealthy patterns unless the cycle is broken. Addressing these patterns is crucial for personal growth.

It’s these "normal" patterns that the legal system can exploit, profiting from dysregulated people chasing "justice." However, with self-regulation, one can navigate legal conflicts more calmly, even if they need a mediator to do so.

To be fair, it would be hard for a mediator to help someone change a lifetime pattern of dysregulated behavior just to navigate one conversation. That is actually our responsibility, but mediators are taught methods that try to keep to the facts and take as much of the emotive reactions out of it as possible.

For those interested in learning how to heal their nervous system, I discussed this more in The Path to Purpose and Clarity: How Healing Transforms Your Career Goals. It’s not an overnight job, but it’s worth the effort. In fact, it may even be your purpose in being here, to break those patterns in your family chain.

But what I find interesting as I contemplate navigating the legal system once more is that there have also been times when I’ve done this with reasonable people. What was involved in those situations wasn’t any dispute; agreement had been reached without any huge emotional upheaval, and the legal system was, in fact, a series of cogs and wheels to navigate with form filling and following a set process, providing the right paperwork and fees, and so on.

Now, when I think of Evette’s question, "Do you know how to have boundaries without having to fight for them? And how to have peace, respect, love, and support without fighting for it?" I understand that it doesn’t mean capitulating to boundary violators for peace. There is no peace in that. I have enough love and respect for myself to know that sometimes further action is required. Even if someone tries to create a fight, remember it takes two to have one. With my nervous system now in a healthy state, I trust that I can navigate even the legal system with patience, calm, and ease.

Reflecting on these experiences, I've come to realise that maintaining boundaries and seeking justice doesn't have to be a combative process. It requires self-awareness, emotional regulation, and the courage to stand firm in our values, even in the face of opposition. Given that this can be an emotive topic, keep in mind my reflections are primarily a means for my own reflection and personal journey of self-growth, shared in case they resonate as opposed to being a strategy or a tool to influence others.

As we navigate our own paths, it's important to ask ourselves: How can we create and uphold our boundaries in a way that promotes peace, respect, love, and support without resorting to conflict? Can we find the strength within to transform adversarial encounters into opportunities for growth and understanding? Embracing these questions can guide us towards a more harmonious and fulfilling journey, where our personal growth and the holding of boundaries are intertwined with compassion and self-awareness.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Normal Is Dysfunctional That Is the Growth Opportunity, What Is Holding You Back? Reclaim Your Worth, Your Love, Your Power, Do You Yearn for Better Outcomes? First Commit to Observing Your Reactions, Put Mature Parts of You in the Driving Seat for Better Results, Why Being Passive Can Be Powerful and Shine Your Inner Light - Let No One Keep You Down. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

Emerging from years of work to change old patterns is a fascinating and often frustrating journey. These patterns, which once served a rational purpose, can become maladaptive as life evolves. For years, my wiring often led me to initially take a passive approach, expressing my feelings only when reaching a tipping point.

Anger fueled my confidence in speaking up, as did a sense of injustice or speaking on behalf of others. In nervous system terms, this is known as the fawning and then fighting responses. While I have been working on speaking up earlier and expressing boundaries more clearly and calmly, the “how” often catches me out; anger and injustice are hard habits to kick.

Several insights resonated with me this week:

• “Some people have lived their whole lives on watch, waiting for the next crisis to strike. These assaults often come from people we love the most - harsh judgments, limiting expectations, and limited views have all been heaped onto us. You've been fighting off these assaults for long enough.” I recognized this years ago, but it took many more years of attracting the same to finally set boundaries and learn how to hold them.
• “If your first response to a personal attack is to push back, you should switch to a disengagement strategy. Sometimes standing up for yourself means standing down.” While this resonates with my experience of reaching a tipping point, the words “standing down” resonated in terms of calming my nervous system. But I certainly don’t want to revert to my old pattern of keeping quiet just to maintain peace.
• “It's difficult to go out and accomplish something productive if you're always fending off impending attacks.” Yes! And not just productivity, it makes it extremely difficult for any kind of creativity to flow or to listen to our intuition.

Seeing boundary-setting as an act of nurturing my own well-being and the health of my relationships has certainly been pivotal. It has involved healing a lot of old trauma, which has led to many changes in the landscape of my life—in terms of who is in it, where and how I live, and many other factors. But I wondered, “How does standing down marry up with asserting boundaries?” Over time, I’ve learned a few key strategies:

1. Step Back and Assess: Instead of immediately reacting to perceived threats or attacks, I now choose to step back and assess the situation calmly. When I feel triggered, I take a moment to pause and breathe. I ask myself if the situation truly warrants my internal reaction. If not, I know it’s an old wound that needs tending to. Then I consider whether my present situation requires a response and, if so, what kind of response is appropriate. This happened just this week when there was a miscommunication over a meeting time. As I was sitting, waiting for the person to arrive, feelings of “they don’t care” and abandonment set in. It was immediately obvious to me that this was an overreaction and that I had an old wound to attend to. Tending old wounds is key to recovering from old patterns. It's too much to capture here, but I’ll list some other articles at the end that go into it more.
2. Choose Battles Wisely: I know standing down doesn't mean ignoring my boundaries but, instead, choosing not to engage in every battle. Setting my boundaries with kindness and understanding, both towards myself and others, helps diffuse potential conflicts and reduces the emotional toll on me. A good litmus test is to consider whether something I’m being asked to do, or something someone else is doing, is causing pain, resentment, or other discomfort (in this situation today, not because it’s triggering old wounds).
3. Prioritize Energy: I aim to prioritize my energy and focus on issues that truly matter by keeping my long-term well-being and goals in mind. Not every situation requires a response, which is a complete change of behavior for me. Sometimes, letting minor things go can reduce stress and help me maintain a sense of peace (again, using the litmus test of whether this present situation is creating pain, resentment, or other discomfort).
4. Calm the Nervous System: I also work on techniques to calm my nervous system. Practices like deep breathing, mindfulness, tapping, meditation, and grounding exercises help me shift out of fight mode and respond more thoughtfully.

Letting Go of Control and Embracing Softness

Letting go of the need to control every aspect of my environment has been another important lesson for me. I have a tendency to micromanage, which is a trauma response that arose out of a need for control. It was my safety strategy. However, it is also true that my authentic self does not like to be controlled by anyone, and this independence has been integral to my growth, expansion, and success. So, it’s about not throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

Rather, my learning now is about receiving and easing into my softness while also maintaining my independence. My aim is to trust that things can unfold naturally without my constant intervention. I’m learning to be gentle with myself, understanding that shifting from a defensive mode to a more relaxed state is a process, and it’s okay to take it one step at a time. Here are some of the strategies I use:

1. Identify Non-Negotiable Boundaries: As above, I’ve identified which boundaries are non-negotiable and which ones I can be more flexible with. This helps me focus on what really matters without feeling the need to control everything. I practice speaking up about my boundaries early on, but in a calm and measured way. This prevents situations from escalating and helps me maintain my peace.
2. Delegate and Trust: This is a tough one for me! Deciding which areas truly require my attention and control, and which can be delegated or allowed to unfold naturally, is also part of the process. Patience isn’t easily found in a triggered state, but consciously focusing on delegating helps conserve my energy for what matters most. Working on building trust in others' abilities to handle tasks is a work in progress... I start with small tasks and gradually increase as I see positive results. This reduces my need to micromanage.
3. Use Positive Affirmations: I find this a bit cliché, but affirmations to reinforce my goals can be useful, such as: "I am in control of my actions and reactions," "I trust others to handle tasks," and "I am independent and expansive." But to really buy in, I first make a list of examples of things I’ve done (no matter how small) that demonstrate I can do it.
4. Continuous Self-Assessment: Assessing how my approach to boundaries and control actually affects my well-being is a continual process. I try to find the right balance, and to be kind to myself when I feel the urge to control everything. Acknowledging that this is a trauma response and giving myself grace as I work on changing this pattern helps.
5. Writing and Visualizing: Writing down my thoughts and feelings helps me process emotions and gain clarity on my goals and progress. I often use the emotions wheel to name what I’m feeling inside. I also practice visualizing myself as calm, in control, and independent in meditations as a tool to guide my actions.
6. Therapeutic Approaches: I’ve explored many therapeutic approaches, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and somatic experiencing, to work through trauma responses and develop healthier coping mechanisms. Different approaches have helped at different times.
7. Engage in Nurturing Activities: Participating in activities that encourage me to ease into my softness, such as spending time in nature, creative activities, or engaging in nurturing self-care practices, is quite pivotal.
8. Stay Grounded in Core Values: Regularly reminding myself of my core values and what truly makes me feel expansive and independent helps me stay grounded in my authentic self while letting go of the need for excessive control. Talking to my closest friends, my partner, or a therapist about the journey provides support, offers perspective, and helps me stay true to my goals. I have one friend in particular with a phenomenal memory and, when I’ve told her my goals or ah ha moments, she can often pull them out of her memory banks at just the right moment – sometimes years later - to remind me and keep me on track.
9. Celebrate Small Steps: Acknowledging and celebrating the small steps I take towards balancing control and independence, recognizing my progress, and using it as motivation to keep moving forward isn’t something I’m particularly good at, but I know it’s important. Embracing my vulnerabilities and recognizing the strength that comes from being my authentic self has been a powerful part of this journey.

In embracing the art of setting boundaries while healing from trauma responses, and learning to relinquish the need for micromanagement in favor of embracing my softness, it’s a profound journey with lots of ups and downs, self-discovery and healing. It has taught me the importance of assessing situations calmly, choosing my battles wisely, and prioritizing my well-being. Balancing my independence while cultivating trust in others and myself, I continue to evolve and find balance.

As you reflect on your own journey, consider the patterns in your life—how do you approach setting boundaries? Are there areas where you might benefit from letting go of control and embracing a softer approach? Challenge yourself to explore these questions, for within them lies the path to deeper self-awareness and growth.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy You Don’t Need to Be Perfect to Make a Breakthrough, Change Unhealthy Reactions, Parts Work and Its Importance to Your Growth, Heal Your Past Hurts To Help You Fulfill Your Potential, and Who Do You Need to Become in Order to Realise Your Dreams? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

Here is a post I wrote and feel honoured to have published on one of my favourite self growth platforms, Tiny Buddha. Discover my journey towards early assertiveness in conversations, sparked by a recent dilemma during my daughter's field trip planning. Overcoming past hesitations and fears, I learned to balance advocacy with relationship preservation. A poignant encounter with a struggling father reinforced the importance of self-regulation and assertiveness. Read how I navigated this path and why mastering assertive communication is crucial for personal growth and healthy relationships

“There’s a man out there who will tell you that she’s crazy, emotionally unstable, and aggressive. There’s also a man who will say he’s never felt more appreciated and respected, that she has created the safest space for him, and that being around her makes him feel nurtured, cared for, and at peace. Believe them both.

You get the woman you take care of, whatever you give her, she will reflect back to you. If you show up in confusion, gaslight her, or are hot and cold, of course she’ll seem like a lunatic. However, if you show up with clarity, know how to lead, and make this a safe space, you’ll see a totally different woman.”

I read this quote from Chris Perry this week, and it resonated with me on a couple of levels. Firstly, because I’ve been both those women and, secondly, because I now know that I get to choose how I show up, regardless of who I am with.

In our lives, we get to choose the people who are important to us. Unfortunately, because we don’t get to choose this so much as children and - and depending on the indoctrination we get around the role family plays in our life - it’s common to feel that there are certain people we are obligated to.

But there are always choices, sometimes extremely hard ones. Whether we feel duty bound by marriage, birth, children or other reasons, we do get to choose how close we let others get, and our reactions.

When Chris Perry says “whatever you give her, she will reflect back to you” I hear the truth in it, because life has shown me time and again, it will reflect back what I’m putting out and what I’m allowing.

In terms of relationships, for all sorts of reasons most of us end up with some really unhelpful belief patterns that seem hardwired in there. Unseen, yet running the show: I’m not worthy, I don’t belong, I’m stupid, I’m too much, I’m not enough, I’m alone, I’m afraid… the list goes on.

These arise in childhood before our conscious memories; they are our ways of interpreting the world depending on many factors, including our earliest experiences and our natural personalities. We aren’t aware that these are then hard wired into our neurobiology, and so our sense of felt safety and “normal” are set in relation to these.

That means we may not always be attracted to compatible or healthy relationships. With chemistry running the show, many people often find themselves entangled with another person who – if they really could look at them objectively – shares many traits with the parent, sibling or other key person from their childhood with whom there feels something outstanding.

It’s like a subconscious do-over, “if I can get this person (I’m attracted to) to love me, then at last I will feel complete and whole”.

I have gone through many of these kinds of relationships in my life, resulting in a prolonged crescendo of something that was very much like the first relationship Chris Perry describes. Remaining in that relationship out of the aforementioned sense of obligation, I found different ways to cope at different times. 

In the main, I was so busy in my role as a parent, and on eking time out for self care (despite the aggravation it caused), that I managed to simply miss or ignore a lot of behaviours that I should have addressed. Often I was too distracted to pick up on a lot of things that were really unhealthy. I didn’t actually step back to take a look at the picture properly. And I didn’t want to, because I prioritized being able to bring up my kids and knew that, if I looked too closely, things would have to change.

That decision was taken for me though, but by then I had done enough introspection and was far enough along the road as an observer in my life, to be able to take a really epic growth journey when moving on.

I realised this week just how far I’ve come when I’d been deliberating over whether to and how to respond to a tricky communication I’d received. This contained some matters that did need addressing, while also muddied with some spurious statements and old arguments. I decided to cover those with an acknowledgement that it’s clear we maintain differing perspectives on certain matters, which is to be expected given our unique viewpoints and experiences.

Brianna MacWilliam taught me a couple of years ago how to assess and heal my conflict style in relationships, to help stop a spiral before it begins. I am still in the phase of consciously applying what I learned; it hasn’t become my default yet, which is no surprise after a lifetime of reacting in other ways.

The rest of my response I kept neutral, sharing facts and observations, and this can be hard work because my wiring draws me towards wanting to get on the battlefield and “stand up for myself”. Whereas, in this situation I’ve learned that the most effective way to do that is by ensuring my communications are devoid of judgments and emotive language, while sticking to the key points I need to address.

Later that day I then drew a card (which I love doing each day as a way to connect with my intuition), it depicted a sword front and centre, with mountains and clouds below. On either side of the cross-guard hung two scales, equally balanced. The card, The Scales, is rich with imagery as the sword is adorned with a deep purple scarf wrapped once around the blade, as if caught flying in the wind from high in the east to low on the west, giving the effect of it wearing a sash. There is also a red thorny rose twisted around the hilt and blade.

This card shows up in a reading when there is some doubt over the right course of action, or to remind us that what we do now will have an effect in the future. I was in no doubt the card symbolized the thorny interaction I had been deliberating, and confirmed my intuition in terms of dealing with it in a balanced way. It was powerful symbolism, one that will stay with me, reminding me to draw on my experience from past battles and make wiser judgments to pave the way for harmony.

What has changed here is not, in Chris Perry’s terms, the way someone is with me. What has changed is the way I am in relationship to the people in my life. This is both in terms of how I treat people, and what I will accept from them.

What about you, are there recurring patterns in your interactions with others? What beliefs or past experiences might be influencing these patterns? How do you show up in your relationships, and what impact does this have on the dynamics? By exploring these questions with honesty and openness, we can uncover valuable insights that guide us towards deeper self-awareness and more fulfilling connections with those around us.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy What Do You Want From Your Relationships - Time to Take an Inventory?, How to Let Go of Your Attachment to Your Feelings, Expectations and Beliefs, Embrace Your Authentic Self, Shed the Toxic People in Your Life, Intention Is the Key to Transforming Your Life and Normal Is Dysfunctional That Is the Growth Opportunity. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

This week I was reminded of Sir Ken Robinson’s infamous TED talk he did back in 2006 called Do Schools Kill Creativity? There was a story he told he’d told about attending his son’s nativity play years before and, when the little boys who were playing the wise men were asked what gifts they had brought the baby Jesus, one said “gold”, another said “myrrh” and the third said “Frank sent this” instead of frankincense.

While they all chuckled, he noted that the four year old was of an age where he still took a chance and gave it a go even although he clearly didn’t comprehend the word. It was Sir Ken’s observation that – while not meaning to say that being wrong is the same thing as being creative – what we do know is that if we are not prepared to be wrong, we will never come up with anything original. And he contended that by the time most kids are adults, they have lost that capacity; they become frightened of being wrong.

He also noted that we run companies like this, stigmatizing mistakes, while running education systems where making mistakes are the worst thing we can do. The result being that we educate people out of their creative capacity. Prior to his death in 2020, after years as an educationalist, advising government and non profits, Sir Ken had been interviewed in 2019 and this remained his belief.

As I thought back on my own childhood, at home there was a strong sense of morality, where wrong deeds were punished. I do also remember many arguments between all members of the family on “who was right and who was wrong”.

And Sir Ken makes sense because being wrong in school meant more to me than just a poor academic record, it meant both overt and covert ridicule, wrath, punishment and a lot more besides. This goes a long way to explain a prevalent culture of fear about being wrong.

While there may be consensus on certain rights and wrongs among humans and interacting with our planet and species, this is often taken to the extreme with win-lose conversations happening daily in relationships, household, workplaces and in our wider community.

I was talking with someone close to me who runs a leadership development company, and one of their favourites is the Blanchard Conversational Capacity course that was inspired by and developed with Craig Weber and his book of the same name. In this sense conversational capacity is the ability to engage in constructive, learning-focused dialogue about difficult subjects, in challenging circumstances, and across tough boundaries.

While it’s seen as an essential competence for both personal and collective performance, we were having a good discussion about the challenges in implementing such important skills. As someone who is deeply interested in and studies overcoming developmental stress responses and trauma patterns, and applying those findings to my own life, I know firsthand how difficult it can be to go against your wiring.

I agree that when good skills are applied – even partially or intermittently - it can improve the quality of our conversations. But when conflict is perceived, even for those among us who did not suffer anything overtly and acutely traumatic growing up, this idea of it not being safe to be wrong is one widely hard-wired among us.

When our limbic system assesses and responds to perceived threats (because our nervous system is overloaded), our thinking brain shuts down as a protective mechanism to keep us safe. Depending on our unique experiences as we grew up, the degree of the threat perceived in “being wrong” could vary from a subconscious generalised anxiety to something more acute, particularly if there are other current stressors in our life.

The key to overcoming this is about learning how to remain present as an observer. And the key to this is some sort of regular contemplative or meditative practice that allows us to witness (rather than be completely identified with) our thoughts and feelings in real time, with curiosity. Practicing this on a daily basis is recommended.

What I’ve witnessed in myself over the years I’ve been practicing, are the many layers that are tied into this. There’s the perfectionist in me who wouldn’t dream of speaking up unless I knew I was right, and the pleaser in me that wants to appear interested in people and knowledgeable about their subject and has therefore learned about a lot of stuff, then there is the part of me that seeks approval tied in, as well as the part of me that would hate to come across with any kind of superiority, and the parent in me who wants to demonstrate it’s okay to be wrong…

It’s a long and winding road that led to the me that I am in my fifties, so patience is required in the unraveling. As things come up in my life, I realise constantly that I am a work in progress and – despite some really good work in recognizing and working on skills to create healthier patterns of thinking and behaviour- I am always recognising just how prevalent a lot of my old programming still is.

This week I was also reminded of some of the Gottman work on relationships and communication.  According to couples therapist Dr. John Gottman, the four behavioral predictors of divorce or break-up are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. Their destructive nature earned them the name The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in his work.

Rereading that reminded me again of the ways our earlier patterning affects our present behaviour. One of my personal ongoing challenges is with sarcasm. Hailing from the West of Scotland, it was a common way of expressing oneself, and it perhaps doesn’t help that my kids are currently watching reruns of Friends at the moment so I’m constantly in tears laughing at Chandler’s sarcastic humour.

But in terms of relationships, Gottman reminds us that using sarcasm is a common tool when someone is in a state of contempt, which can then make the other person feel ridiculed, because the aim of contempt is to make someone feel despised and worthless. Now I can honestly say that they vast majority of the time I use sarcasm, I am not doing so in a state of contempt. However, I have to be aware that if I’m using it to communicate with someone who happens to have a history of being on the received end of contempt, it can trigger all their old feelings of being ridiculed and treated poorly.

Gottman also highlights that criticising is different than offering a critique or voicing a complaint (which are about specific issues), it is an attack on a person’s character. Again, another common overhang from childhood – anyone remember at least one teacher ridiculing a pupil for their incompetence, attacking their character rather than the situation or their behaviour?

At best sarcasm is usually some form of pointing out a perceived error or wrong, whether self directed or not. And given the potential for entanglements in people feeling criticized or ridiculed it is probably best avoided. Through analysing the ways in which we commonly communicate, and observing our own triggers and patterns, we are then in a position to start practicing better skills.

In navigating the complexities of communication and personal growth, I think that self-awareness and empathy are our greatest tools. Reflecting on our past experiences, acknowledging our triggers, and actively practicing better communication skills can lead to richer, more fulfilling relationships and a deeper understanding of ourselves.

Let's challenge ourselves to embrace the discomfort of possibly being wrong, to “give it a go” and attempt to engage in constructive dialogue even in difficult circumstances, and to cultivate a culture of empathy and understanding in all aspects of our lives. By doing so, we not only honor our own journey of growth but also contribute to creating a more authentic, compassionate and connected world.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Mastering the Art of Inner Harmony: A Journey from Turmoil to Tranquility, Meditation 2.0 – The Road to Enlightenment?, Weave Words Like Wands - Confessions of a Sarcastic Perfectionist, What Makes You Feel Uncomfortable and Is It a Growth Opportunity? and Normal Is Dysfunctional That Is the Growth Opportunity. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

I was listening to a class this week with Evette Rose about navigating anger on the path of life. She was talking about the physical processes that happen within our bodies when we become angry, and how our body has learned that feeling as a way of keeping us “safe” when it perceives danger.

Sometimes – maybe often, depending on the level of trauma in our past - the perceived danger is triggered not by our actual circumstances, but rather by an ingrained neurobiology from a time in our young lives when our best course of action was to get angry and lash out or to suppress the anger inwards on ourselves. In essence we get stuck in immature and unhealthy ways of dealing with things.

Then, listening to a Teal Swan meditation on Healthy Boundaries, I was asked to look back over my life, to reflect on the times that I didn’t feel good about myself: the times I felt stupid or wrong, guilty or angry with myself, the times I judged myself harshly, criticised myself, felt unacceptable, unsuccessful, not good enough or otherwise beat myself up thinking there was something wrong with me.

Reflecting back on the times I blamed myself for making mistakes, felt ashamed of myself, took too much responsibility for others, lost confidence in myself, sabotaged myself to placate others, put myself down in front of others, or allowed them to use, control or manipulate me or put me down, I recognised the truth in Lisa Romano’s words when she says “It takes courage to love the self others abandoned”.

Because that is, in essence, what happens. Growing up, the parts of us that don’t “fit in” are the parts we deny, suppress and disown. I know I worked hard as a youngster to be physically fit and develop physical and mental resilience in the world, perhaps because that kind of strength was valued in the people and culture around me.

Opening up emotionally wasn’t something anyone I knew really did, that kind of vulnerability was kept for within close and trusted relationships. As a result I didn’t necessarily see a lot of conscious, healthy role modeling around handling conflict, or – perhaps more crucially - repairing after a conflict. And yet, my intuitive and emotional self is highly adept at reading others’ emotional landscape.

That part of me that is more intuitive and sensitive was definitely kept far more hidden, and in my blind faith about safety within certain types of relationships (for example, I believed a romantic partnership or marriage was the safe place to share my true feelings and let people see my true self, because that is what I had seen role modeled, and I believed that grownups in workplaces would act professionally) I have experienced many things coming from left field to teach me that life isn’t quite like that.

Through strong imagery of sitting chest-high in the edge of the ocean, Teal’s meditation asks us to experience those feelings of having abandoned ourselves like waves coming in, crashing into our chest and washing over. Crucially, she asks that we practice sitting with those feelings until they pass.

It’s a practice of not moving into the hard wired responses of lashing out, fleeing, freezing or acquiescing when feeling strong emotions. Whether it’s me abandoning myself in the ways I described above (like blaming myself for mistakes), or someone else attacking me or manipulating me, or in some other way reflecting back to me the anger I often perpetrate upon myself, it takes practice to achieve emotional regulation.

I think perhaps the most shocking of experiences for me has always been those reflections of anger or subjugation from others, because as a kid I perpetrated that upon myself, taking it upon my shoulders to be perfect and avoid those kinds of responses.

However, I find life has a way of needling us in just the right way in order to try and evoke a growth response to develop beyond the unhealthy patterns and unprocessed emotions of those earlier times.

Evette asked the class to define what anger means to us, to consider what anger does (that we feel we can’t) in everyday life, and what does it allows us to feel – other than anger? These were thought provoking and provided valuable insights, as I could see that anger has been the way I’ve felt and expressed my boundaries in the past, and it gave me the outlet and bravery (with its surge of adrenaline) to express opinions I’d otherwise kept suppressed.

Boundaries are those things we will and won’t accept, how we assert them is a whole other communication skill to learn. Briana MacWilliam covers this really well in her attachment courses, and some people quite like the Non Violent Communication courses, but there is plenty of ways out these days to learn the skills.

What I’ve come to really appreciate is the ability to observe my feelings rather than be completely identified with them. This has taken time and practice, and was only possible after practicing meditation regularly. It gives me room to pause and the choice to react differently, in ways that are more healthy and productive.

That said, dealing with my own emotional reactions to insults, aggression, manipulative statements or other attacks, then asserting myself in a calm, rational manner, continues to be a challenge. All I can say is that, over time, I’m getting better. Things that would have thrown me off kilter for days or weeks now disperse in hours or minutes.

And part of that is also about owning who I am, completely.

So what if I live in a world (by this I mean the people and places who surround me) that tends to devalue the role of a stay-at-home parent and, instead, constantly promotes and cajoles you back into a workplace? I used to play that game; it led to burn out, illness.

I value my health and my role as a parent above what others think I should or shouldn’t be focused on. For me, the role is more than feeding, ferrying and clothing my kids. It’s a role that involved completely managing their lives when they are little, to gradually training them for more independence and then moving into a coaching role through their teens.

It’s a role that involves making the best healthcare and educational choices that match my values, and navigating a terrain no other generation of parents has had to navigate – technology (and it’s deliberately designed dopamine driving addiction). It’s a role that involves helping my children to emotionally regulate themselves and to be able to apply critical thinking to situations and relationships. It’s big, and it’s the fostering of the next generation.

So in the past where I would have defended my lack of engagement in the expected route back to the workplace, there is a subtle but healthy change, instead I advocate for my role. I value my role, and I’m immensely proud of the time, focus and energy I’ve put in and continue to put in.

That said, it’s been far from perfect. My time as a parent has been a collection of the good, the bad and the ugly. It’s been a massive learning curve and growth journey, with much healing taking place. In short though, it is a step in the right direction.

The direction I wanted to head was to cultivate kids who are closer than I was in knowing themselves at a younger age, and better able to identify things and people who are compatible with their beliefs and values. If they are able to distinguish toxic from healthy growth, and have confidence to navigate these scenarios even a little better than I was able to in my younger years, then we will have moved forward.

Imagine nurturing a generation unafraid to know themselves, confident in their beliefs, and capable of navigating life's intricate dance? Whether we raise children directly, we are all raising them indirectly through our example.

As you stand on the shore of your own emotional ocean, take a moment to reflect on the waves that have shaped your journey. Consider the insights gained from defining anger's role in your life. Challenge yourself to observe, not just react. Uncover the power to express boundaries with calm assertiveness, acknowledging the growth it brings, and choose the path of self-affirmation. Your journey, like the ebb and flow of the tides, has its own rhythm. In embracing your journey, you not only rewrite the narrative for yourself but contribute to a narrative of empowerment and authenticity for generations to come.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Mastering the Art of Inner Harmony: A Journey from Turmoil to Tranquility, Empower Yourself - When a Difficult Reaction Sends You Into a Tailspin, Do You Need to Heal Your Boundaries?, Change Unhealthy Reactions, Your Mind Will Try to Protect You By Resisting Your Healthy Boundaries and Expand Your Emotional Vocabulary to Get Your Real Needs Met. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

For much of the last couple of decades of my life I have, by necessity, been somewhat of a lone wolf. To use some UK slang, it’s been “heads down, bums up” in the parenting department in particular, while initially juggling a corporate career and then laterally navigating a particularly gnarly separation and dealing with life post-split with kids living between two homes.

Now that I’ve spent the time examining and integrating those experiences, a huge amount of personal growth has taken place and I have started to attract healthier relationships in all walks of life and feel quite settled and supported by people who understand and accept me more deeply.

In short, there’s more space to turn towards my purpose. So when a close friend of mine was facilitating a public Family Constellations session and it was my turn to look at what I wanted to dive deeper into, I was explaining how torn I feel about how to progress. In particular I have been resisting the coaching work I’ve been doing, and am good at.

Having asked me about the things I had been contemplating and wrangling with, I then expressed my deepest desire to be part of a team – a healthy, functional team –she expressed her surprise that the lone wolf wanted to run with a pack.

My friend has not known me in the times I’ve thrived as part of a work team. The last team I worked and flourished with was fourteen years ago. We were a small team, working on a large transformational project we all very much believed in. Each of us had very different personalities, with varying strengths, values and beliefs, but there was respect and trust and we were usually able to navigate tricky issues and come out stronger.

While I now have a burgeoning team mate in my personal life, many of life’s lessons in the “heads down, bums up” phase of my life were attached to learning healthy boundaries. The teachers of those lessons of course came in the shape of both personal and professional unhealthy relationships and team dynamics.

So it was profoundly interesting to have those solo versus collaborative parts of me represented by others in the Family Constellations work. It helped me to see the intricacies of what I was feeling far more clearly.

I'm definitely more motivated around others, there’s a kind of effervescence I feel when there is that synergy between like-minded and like-hearted people. It's why younger me loved swimming; I was part of a great team with a great coach. It's got a lot to do with why I left too, certain people left and the team dynamic changed, my heart was no longer in it.

Don’t get me wrong, I like the independence of managing my own workload and work times, and I like working with my clients’ one on one, but the more that comes from a great team is majestic. It's why I always loved medical dramas like House and Private Practice as they worked together in teams to help people. Private Practice was a great example of individual specialists working with their patients and clients, but they would discuss case loads and look for the synergies.

I always look at one of my healthcare practitioners sideward when they say they don't discuss clients with each other to protect confidentiality, I think they're missing a trick. I would love it if my various healthcare providers sat around the table to look at me more holistically; I can well imagine issues getting understood and ironed out far faster.

My friend thinks I’d make a wonderful Family Constellations facilitator, but that’s not what I feel called to. I love turning up as a participant, doing my part representing for others, but I haven't got the inclination to organise or facilitate in anything in that field. I love my own work, and prefer to refer people to other practitioners who specialize in things I don’t when needed – and wouldn’t that be all the better if it were in collaboration?

Having also mentioned I have a hankering to be involved in some sort of think tank around evolving education and healthcare, my friend also recommended a place called Heart Place Hospital who holistically resource frontline healthcare and educational professionals. I had a good poke around their website and they look to be doing some fantastic work.

It certainly piqued my interest, if somewhere like Heart Place Hospital developed a large enough reach - or if there were enough versions of this type of service with a big enough reach collectively - then those clients would be exactly the right kinds of people to sit down with, along with holistic and alternative healthcare and educational practitioners, to create a vision of a different future; that's the bit I'd love to be part of.

My various experiences have taught me that, while a team of people collaborating can most definitely achieve more than the sum of its parts, knowing my own interests, values, skill set, strengths, experience, gifts, beliefs and limitations are really important when contemplating being part of a team. For any collaboration to work it’s important to be clear about my role and that of others, and have healthy boundaries around it.

As this all played out in the Family Constellations session, I got to see more clearly that, while the part of me that works with clients loves collaboration, there’s also very distinctly a part of me that enjoys and needs time alone to recharge and practice self care, and that is okay.

Oftentimes in the past I’ve lost myself to the teams I’ve been a part of, giving far too much without taking time to recharge my own batteries. Some people can do that with just a good night’s sleep, but for me – especially while juggling so many roles in my life – it’s important to have time to contemplate, meditate, keep fit and healthy and spend time relaxing in my own company as well as with friends and loved ones.

Are there areas where you thrive as a lone wolf, and others where you yearn to be part of a team? Remember, the power of collaboration lies not only in achieving more together but also in understanding and honouring our individual needs and strengths. Here’s to creating a world where we can all thrive – whether as lone wolves, team players, or a harmonious blend of both. Together let’s continue exploring the transformative potential of collaboration in our personal and professional lives.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Do You Want to Make a Heartfelt Change to Your Career?, Weave Words Like Wands - Confessions of a Sarcastic Perfectionist, Break Free: The Honour, Privilege, Exhaustion and Horror of Being Mum, Is the Role for Managers Redundant in Today’s World?, What or Who Reminds You of How Good it Feels to Feel Good? and Embrace Your Authentic Self, Shed the Toxic People in Your Life. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

One of the things I’ve really been noticing lately are some of my less desirable traits. On the one hand, since it’s symptomatic of being around people I can be myself with, albeit it under stress, it is a huge boon since I’ve actively been on a personal growth journey for many years with a specific aim of expressing myself authentically. On the other hand, it’s a bit disconcerting to see all the worst parts of myself so clearly.

I mean, connection is all important to us humans as a social species interdependent on one another for survival. Any scary thought of being less than desirable to others is, therefore, understandable when put in the context of psychological survival.

But, on the other hand, to that perfectionist part of me that wanted to avoid “getting in trouble” or any kind of criticism, it still feels very uncomfortable to own those parts of me that can piss people off.

One of the things I have to remember is that most traits have their good and bad points and, when under stress, generally the more negative aspects of a trait come to the fore. One of those that comes most readily to mind is the quips that spew forth regularly when I’m around loved ones.

I was reading an article in which British actor and comedian Ricky Gervais was talking about the Brit’s propensity to “take the piss”. He said “We use irony as liberally as prepositions in every day speech. We tease our friends. We use sarcasm as a shield and a weapon. We avoid sincerity until it’s absolutely necessary. We mercilessly take the piss out of people we like or dislike basically. And ourselves.”

That part is very important. He reckons “Our brashness and swagger is laden with equal portions of self depreciation. This is our license to hand it out. It can be perceived as nasty if the recipients aren’t used to it, but it’s play fighting essentially. It’s almost a sign of affection if we like you, and ego bursting if we don’t.” Of course you have to be able to read the body language, tone, context and facial expressions to know which is which.

One of my all time favourite TV shows was House starring (another great actor and comedian) Hugh Laurie as Dr Gregory House. What I particularly loved was how House’s team would come together to solve medical mysteries. But House’s character was heavily sarcastic, which is a trait I can really relate to from growing up in the West of Scotland.

In one scene, House (talking about a patient) says “He did, however, get hit by a bullet. Just mentioning it.” One of his team, Cameron, responds “He was shot?” To which House inevitably comes back sarcastically with “No. Someone threw a bullet at him.”

As Hanan Parvez says, “Sarcasm is not good or bad, but it’s certainly a passive aggressive form of humour. On the one hand you have to be quick-witted, possesses strong observational skills and figure out how to point to the absurdity/obviousness/redundancy with creativity. It requires social intelligence, courage (since you risk offence each time) and strength of mind.

On the flip side you are making people look like an idiot, and people – like House – who’ve adopted sarcasm as a personality trait often feel contempt towards “the idiots” around them, but are too intelligent to be direct with the aggression.”

I agree with Hanan in that I find the more I trust someone – and vice versa – the more positive deposits are in our emotional bank accounts, and those cancel out any harm the sarcasm might unintentionally inflict. Certainly the Scot in me still enjoys the occasional verbal sparring when someone responds in like, it makes the conversation spicy and entertaining.

Not to mention that scientists have also shown that expressing sarcasm- or receiving sarcasm from trusted others – increases creativity without elevating conflict.

What I find it that, under stress, the sarcasm I use tends to lack the good natured light heartedness it might otherwise. Like anything, I have to be able to observe myself – or at least pick up cues from others – when the intensity is a bit much and needs dialed back.

It can, Hanan says, “in times of low self esteem, be used to boost self worth but it’s at another person’s expense and people don’t forget how you make them feel”.

That is the part that is important to me. As mentioned previously, I liked the challenge Dr Jean Houston sets “To use our words like wands”. I want to create magic not mayhem. So if I see a look of hurt or confusion in someone’s expression as I throw another quip their way, I know without doubt I need to be far more conscious and deliberately positive about what is coming out of my mouth.

Another aspect of my personality that can create moments of me wincing, when I observe it, is my discerning nature. Under stress, discernment can morph into judgment. As Michael Mamas wrote “To overcome being judgemental and to become discerning, you much find balance in yourself”.

It’s like this, I like what I like, and for good reason. It’s taken me a lifetime to figure out the foods that work for me, the most efficient way to hang my clothes on the line and a multitude of other variables that we have choices about in every day life.

Over the last couple of years I’ve lived without any other adult, it’s been the first time in my life that I have had such freedom over everything from décor and furnishings, the time I get up and go to bed each day, through to the way the food is cooked, or dishes stacked.

Then along comes another adult, and the thoughts and appreciation for the bigger things in life – like love and companionship – get put to the test as I start to see myself through their eyes in day to day life. Thankfully it’s not a person who thinks there is a right and wrong way to do things, only a way that works or doesn’t work for each of us.

But it’s entertaining and amazing how the way a vacuum chord is wound can raise questions in my head about how much I want to compromise in my life. How – despite my own beliefs in there not being right or wrong ways for doing things – I want to keep doing them my way. That in itself is fine, but I can see I need to let other people – especially my children – find their own right ways that work for them.

Personal growth comes in all guises, in the good, bad and the ugly. Some days, especially when I think of my own foibles, I think “why would anyone want to be around me?” It’s not always fun to see myself through others’ eyes, but it is helpful. That applies as much to the good as the bad, which can also be difficult to hear and own.

Bizarrely enough, when we essentially hear about all the things we are doing wrong as kids, it’s easy to make ourselves wrong and believe we aren’t good people, worthy of love. This becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy as we grow into adulthood. So recognising and reminding ourselves of our strengths is as important as working on those other things that go haywire and show up as weaknesses under stress.

What are the aspects of your own personality that you can be proud of and which are those that require a bit more attention in order to flourish in the way you’d like? Let’s strive together to use our words like wands so that, rather than rather than creating unintentional mayhem, we create magic in our relationships.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Make Choices That Will Have the Most Positive Impact in Your Life, Reclaim Your Personal Freedoms: The Path to Empowerment Amid Alluring Promises, Leaders Who Walk the Talk and Are Interested in People and Self Empowerment and Is It Time to Break Free of That Holding Pattern You’ve Been In? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

When confronted with death, it always brings life into sharper focus I find. This time of year for me is traditionally one where memories of life and death meet together in great contrast. It’s the time when both my children were born, and the memories and circumstances of their births are always recalled in detail. But it’s also the time when my mum was in the final weeks of her life and the reliving of that time coexists alongside the happier memories.

I was listening to a podcast with one of the most celebrated and influential spoken word poets of our time, Andrea Gibson, on facing mortality. When Andrea was diagnosed with an aggressive form of ovarian cancer, all that was truly important in their life became all that was important, they stopped dwelling on the ifs, buts and maybes.

Their journey has been profound and transformative. Facing a fierce cancer diagnosis (that they had lived in fear of all their life due to family history), they describe a radical shift in perspective post investigative surgery. Andrea had spent her life in fear of dying and it has taken staring death in the face to really live.

Their worst fear had become real but, instead of fear, they felt a sudden acceptance and peace. The experience altered their perception of life and relationships, and fostered a deep appreciation and love for those around them. This newfound outlook led them to believe that every life event, even cancer or death, was part of their spiritual evolution. They found peace in surrendering to life's challenges, discovering that saying "yes" to difficulty could open doors to immense joy.

They learned to relax, give, focus on the present, and approach relationships with a sense of mystery, allowing the people closest to them to show up anew without past expectations. Additionally, they embraced things that had previously terrified them as a way to confront and overcome fear. Despite the possibility of imminent death, they express profound peace, happiness, clarity, and gratitude for life itself.

I also appreciated her saying “Sometimes people can navigate an illness like this with a lot of rage, for example. I don’t think that my way is necessarily better than that, because I’ve had plenty of rage in my life. Maybe that other person didn’t ever express anger or feel rage, and that could be the waking up for another individual.”

A good friend of mine also lost a close friend this week, it was (in some ways) beautiful to bear witness to as my friend described standing by her friend’s bedside to say their final goodbyes. There was a knowing that their friend’s consciousness was no longer fully inhabiting their body, and that there was a peaceful unfolding into the love beyond.

Grief, though, isn’t always about people dying, this time of year is also the wind down of the calendar year, and my solar year, it’s a season in which I traditionally find myself reflecting on whatever aspects of life are playing out within that and the things that have changed or need to change.

There is a lot that has altered, and more is upon me, with life circumstances changing as my kids grow and we move to a new part of town. But there’s also the inner journey and the unhealthy patterns that emerge under duress, the ongoing learning and growth that occurs as part of life’s opportunities to grow more into my potential.

Among all of that grief is a natural part of the cycle of change. I read a quote by Jamie Anderson the other day:

“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give but cannot. All that unspent love gathered up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.”

When I read this I was not sure I wholly agreed with that sentiment. Although part of me agreed it’s true at least some of the time, I think another part of grief is the regrets that are expressed. That said, regrets are about not loving ourselves or others in ways we could have and, since we can’t change the past, perhaps that too could be seen as love with no place to go.

And as I type, my grand-aunt’s family has gathered around her but she is not yet in a state of surrender. I certainly have regrets about not having made it over to Canada for a visit before this moment. When my grand-aunt and her family emigrated by ship back in the 1960s, there was no thought of regular visits. But thankfully airplanes made a relationship possible that I would never otherwise have known.

It always seemed very exciting to me when our Canadian relatives visited, I remember my grand-uncle’s baseball caps as a thing that represented a whole different world as no one in Scotland wore them back then. As I later emigrated to a different part of the world, I think it was in part inspired by those earlier relatives who had made new lives abroad.

But I would have loved to visit. My grandparents took a trip over there many decades ago before they died, and my parents followed suit some years later. Despite the distance, made smaller by today’s technology, our family’s ties and relationship has deepened – and that is in no small part due to the lady I like to think of as a strong matriarch. Energetically there is a part of me now with my grand-aunt by her bedside, and another part in the subliminal space in-between where I envisage her sitting atop a meadow looking over a lake contemplating her life.

There is wealth of mixed feelings inside me right now, sitting alongside grief and what feels like an almost perpetual state of tiredness, stress and overwhelm. While I’m disappointed and embarrassed in not having made it over there all these years, I’m also in awe of the fortitude and generosity my grand-aunt demonstrated both because of and in spite of her own childhood hardships, the journey they made to start a new life, and the connection she maintained with and through the family despite the distance.

I will also feel relief for her when that final surrender comes, and I feel richer for the knowledge and love she imparted over the years. Having lost my own grandparents nearly forty years ago, her stories have helped me understand them and myself more, and I have also developed relationships within her family too that add another level of love and belonging to my life.

What I notice is that no feeling is an island, and grief is a good example of that. Whether it’s bad news or regrets of my own, or someone close to me passing, it’s always a mixture of blessings, some feel good and some feel bad. The point is to feel them all, I think, and to learn from what we can - for that is how we best honour ourselves, the things and the people we grieve.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Reconnect With Loved Ones to Gain Some Perspective on Life, Even in Grief There Are lessons to Be Learned, Celebrate Often the Ways in Which You Are More Than Good Enough, Pain as a Powerful Catalyst for Self Awareness and Growth and Sit With Your Sorrow, Wait as It Reveals the Lessons It Offers. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

It is that time of year again, the two month lead up to the festive season and suddenly demands on my calendar go nuts. The weird thing is that I forget this, the kids go into their final term at school for the year and I think of it like any other term – in parent language - it’s a time to get things done without distraction.

I can’t remember if it was this crazy when I lived in the UK, I think so. Certainly here in the southern hemisphere where the school year runs from the start to the end of the calendar year, there is an avalanche of plays, activities, camps, shows and such forth. In the workplace everyone seems to want to get everything done before mid December, which seems to mark the end of any activity except shopping and socializing until February,

When I travelled to the UK earlier this year I was reminded of the hectic pre-holiday “getting it all done” energy which, in essence, means do everything you would normally in advance of when you go so you can relax and enjoy your vacation. This next couple of months is like that on steroids.

I decided, after someone expressed some frustration to me, that I wasn’t buying into beating myself up. Having updated a friend on where I am at in life, I had been talking about creating my business website, they said (in paraphrase) “it may just be my frustration, but I think with all your skills you should just be out there being of service and not wasting time on that”.

It stung, I won’t lie, because I’m part of – and was brought up in – a society that highly prizes productivity and doing. To procrastinate is a sin of gargantuan proportion. And yet, as I pointed out, I do actually have a job as a parent, and I do also already work in my career, I’m not waiting on anything other than right timing.

Walking along the beach today I thought about how it’s easier to catch a wave than battle against them. In fact I advise people to wait for those moments when things are lined up and you can act with ease rather than feel you’re battling against everything.

I also thought about how hard on myself I was being, and why the implication I might be procrastinating in any way stung. Technically procrastination is to put something off, yes, I agree with that if it’s not right timing and it isn’t urgent. I think the inference that I may never get around to that thing is what offends more.

I only have to look in my rear view mirror to see that in some ways I’m an over achiever, the things I commit to I embrace fully and seriously and – if I try to do everything that life offers up on its plate - I get prone to burn out.

Once my nervous system kicks into flight or fight, it gets harder to distinguish between what is urgent and what is important, everything feels that way, and I go into hyperdrive trying to get it all done. So after years of following the same old unhealthy patterns, now I tend to tell myself it’s absolutely okay not to get everything done.

Migraines, kidney stones, chronic muscle tension, back pain, heart palpitations and arrhythmia (among other things) have all played a part in my story along the way. I’ve invested a lot of time and energy in my wellbeing and getting healthy mentally, emotionally and physically, so I’m not about to start buying into old narratives that simply do not serve me or anyone close to me.

I’m enjoying cultivating the new website in my imagination. The domain name was purchased some time ago, but the timing to actually apply the creative process to it has been off. It’s like a sculptor with clay, when creating something from nothing but the raw material, to bring it to life requires space to get into that fluidity of creation.

I suspect that the timing is almost upon me even in this busy period. There are days coming up where I may be alone for a few days at a time, and those could be just right for the inspiration to flow. Or not: I’ve learned too much about life to know it does not always go as planned. But I also know if I hold an intention, which is now building to some excited anticipated as I imagine some of the words and images I’ll use, the right time will present itself and it will all flow beautifully and intensely.

As I was listening to an interview with Megan Devine about her books It’s Okay That You’re Not Okay and How to Carry What Can’t Be Fixed, I acknowledged what an intense journey I’ve been on in recent years. There have been the trials of motherhood, losing my own mother, the deep trauma work I’ve done and all I’ve learned in that field, not to mention a rather toxic separation mirrored in many ways with what was happening socially (or one could say antisocially) with the global response to the pandemic.

There is absolutely no doubt that I’ve been grieving for many things on many levels, and allowing myself that space and time to heal and to get comfortable with the things that have happened that I cannot change. Taking the time to actually consider my mental, emotional and physical landscape like this is important.

It’s often the case we expect to “have a good night’s sleep” and be restored to full energy and ready to take on the next thing the next day. Certainly as I’ve gotten older I’ve realised there are lots of things getting processed on lots of levels at any one time, and the tank is not always anywhere near full.

I acknowledge, for example, that creating life in my womb and growing a number of humans in there (not all of whom made it through), then birthing and feeding actual humans who grew from virtually nothing to substantial - all from being fed only by my body for almost two years at a time – comes at a cost that even many years later I don’t feel fully recovered from.

Thus, as I enter crazy season on the calendar, as a mum of some amazing adolescents, partner to an incredible human, cultivator of growth, expansion and big dreamer of servitude aligned with my purpose, and friend and family member to many more beautiful people I love, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it’s absolutely okay not to get everything done and say no to people at times.

What about you? As you enter one of the busiest times of the year, are you able to appreciate all that you are, and all you have accomplished, and still be absolutely okay not to get everything done and say no to people?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Make Choices That Will Have the Most Positive Impact in Your Life, Who is in the Driving Seat – My Ego or My True Self?, How to Make Me-Time a Top Priority, Give Yourself the Gift of Presence to Relieve the Torture of Stress and Sit With Your Sorrow, Wait as It Reveals the Lessons It Offers. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

One of the things I’ve really been struggling lately is shifting gears between the different areas of my life, and being able to be fully present in each one. I had heard once that men find it easier to compartmentalize than women but, whether it’s true or not, I don’t think compartmentalizing is the answer.

I think of it like stuffing all the toys back into the toy box and forgetting they’re there. In fact one definition of compartmentalizing is it’s a form of psychological defence mechanism in which thoughts and feelings that seem to conflict are kept separate or isolated from each other in the mind.

Those with post traumatic stress disorder may use compartmentalizing as a way to separate positive and negative aspects of themselves – though in truth we all tend to be a conglomeration of parts with different (and often conflicting) beliefs about ourselves and the world. Our stress levels and psychological state often determine which part of us in the driving seat and which narratives we have playing in our head.

For me it’s all about the different roles I play in life, and how I shift between them with ease and grace. With my kids living between two residences, there are days when I’m fully in school mum mode, and other days when the practicalities of drop offs, pick-ups, pack lunches and homework are not my responsibility. For any parent, though, they will understand that doesn’t mean I can fully shift out of parenting mode.

In my kids absence this last couple of days I’ve still been contending with applications for secondary education, juggling dental appointments, planning and organizing for upcoming birthdays, holidays and so forth, as well as hearing downloads of their day and giving advice and cheering on where necessary.

Then there’s me in my role as partner, sometimes it’s just us, other times it’s us and the kids, and those can be quite different modes energetically. That’s aside of socializing with friends which again can be alone, with my partner of the kids or both, and then there’s me-time.

Me time can be the things I do that are about self care, health and wellbeing, or it can be about focusing on sculpting what comes next in my career, whether it’s study, contemplation, or exploration and trying out different things.

It’s in my nature to get fully engrossed in what I’m doing, particularly in that last part where I’m sculpting and in the process of creation; I suspect I could get endlessly lost in there. Yet it’s inevitable that none of the toys from each of these boxes are ever fully locked away in my heart or mind. But crossing from one to the other and back again can take a tremendous amount of energy, particularly if it involves some of my least favoured tasks and commitments.

And in the very serendipitous way it does, life has presented me with reminders of antidotes – from two different sources this week – that have the potential to help me manage these gears changes with more grace and ease.

The first was in a podcast about reverse meditation with Andrew Holecek. It reminded me that the key to ease is to sit with the pain. I think of it as symbolically sitting down at the kitchen table with those uncomfortable feelings embodied as a part of me sitting across from me with a cup of tea, while I look them right in the eye and listen good to what they have to say.

Andrew says that “When we are being invited – and sometimes even pushed – out of our comfort zones, this is where the rubber meets the road, it’s where growth really takes place”.

He points out that meditation, much like sport, can mean many things to many different people. There is a level of calming the mind, which is often referred to as mindfulness, but it offers so much more and “we are invited to go much further, so much deeper, where we can say yes to whatever arises”. 

He cites Krishnamurti who – when he was allegedly asked in the latter stages of his life after 70 something years of teaching – “What is the secret to your unflappable contentment?” he responded “I don’t mind what happens”. I think this is a beautiful reminder to lean into what is unwanted and see what it has to offer as a lesson for growth.

Andrew’s approach has developed over the years after first being introduced to the principles of it over a quarter century ago in a three-year retreat which was a traditional training in the Tiebetan Buddist curriculum. He says his confidence and conviction really comes from his direct personal experience because, although he has done exhaustive literature analysis and study in other traditions also, his real confidence comes from intensive exposure and practice.

I think this is true of all of us, if I put into practice the things that resonate with me then I become an advocate of them. Isn't it bliss the way our essence just pulls in what's in alignment with our unique vibration?

The second great antidote to my discomfort came from finally reading through some material from Claire Zammit that I’ve had for a few years now, about learning the meta skills that catalyze the functional skills of writing, coaching, facilitation, leading etc - learning what really makes the difference between someone solid in these skills versus those people who really seem to crack others open and light them up with (what appears from the outside to be) a magical ability to generate ideas, connections and catalyze breakthroughs that inspire awe.

I find Claire interesting because she came into her present work having been a solid coach and then doing a PhD to understand what makes that difference between someone good and someone phenomenal. In her research she interviewed and got to know many successful people. I think that may have been how she met Dr Jean Houston whose Quantum Powers course I did through Claire’s company Feminine Power a few years ago.

Jean is in her late 80s now, she did her apprenticeship with the iconic anthropologist Margaret Mead, and she met all sorts of interesting people like Einstein. She's been working in the field of human potential for half a century and really gets the science behind quantum transformation.

All of this lends to the depth and resonance I feel in Claire’s work, where she talks about the fundamental underpinning of all meta skills, the skill to be present and to create space to allow for meaningful interaction. She says "There is really no such thing as a resistant client or resistant group, what there is, is the absence of a space of depth for transformation to happen".

Hers is a three-part process to cultivate presence, and one of those is also a three-part process on where your attention lies. She recommends that firstly you bring your attention into you, bringing awareness into yourself, breathing down into your belly. Then you take your attention out to the edges of the room, becoming aware of the space in and around you and, only then, your attention goes onto the other person (or people). She also recommends imagining you are communicating deeply, belly breath to belly breath.

Well that is my one paragraph take on what obviously has more nuances when learned and practiced.

When I reflect on these antidotes to the stress I’ve found in changing gears, I have heard similar things presented in different ways from different sources at different points in my life, but these two just clicked into place nicely this week and were good reminders to lean into what I was feeling and how to create space within and around me to connect with others.

What about you, do you struggle in shifting gears between the different people and areas of your life? If so, what practices could you start or revisit in order to cultivate more of a sense of spaciousness and ease around those gear changes?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Shift Focus and Make Time for You, Want Better Health? Be Shrewd About Stress, Meditation – the Cornerstone to Your Success, How to Make Me-Time a Top Priority  and Meditation 2.0 – The Road to Enlightenment? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

A few years ago I recall writing about relationships as a series of moments, and this is very much how my life feels at present. On another continent, visiting friends and family I haven’t seen in many years, I’m experiencing some beautiful but fleeting reconnections.

I left my homeland seventeen years ago, and have been back only once in that time when I lost my mum, that was six years ago. I vowed then not to leave it so long, life had gotten in the way and I wanted my children to know this part of their roots and know the people that are part of their story.

We had planned to make this trip back in 2020 and, of course, with pandemic restrictions we – like most other people on the planet – had to put those plans on hold. So there has been a long period of anticipation, plans made and unmade. And so as plans long held in abeyance come to fruition I am revelling in the moments of reconnection.

Then, just like that, they are gone and a state of grief sets in. Why had I chosen to leave these wonderful people? I may not have had the greatest success in my life when it came to romantic relationships, but friends I tended to choose well, and I had already been blessed with a large and lovely family. Visiting with those I’ve stayed in touch with over the years is an absolute joy.

And it’s so deliciously easy, resuming conversations as though the intervening years hadn’t transpired, meeting children who have been born and grown, getting reacquainted and sharing our joys and woes. I miss these people, my people, and as many more long anticipated moments are coming and going I am pondering on the decisions I have made, the life I have in my new home.

I also miss the good friends and loved ones that live in that land, and whom and look forward to seeing again when I return. As I mused on this with my partner, who is one of those from whom I am apart right now, I was reflecting on how very lucky I am really to have all these wonderful people in my life.

He reminded me that life is just a series of moments, and the good thing is that we get to plan more. “Good or bad, life passes and things change” he said, I couldn’t agree more. What remains consistent is my love for those people in my life, whether I see them on a daily basis or not more than once in many years, my connection to and with them remains and – for that – I am grateful.

This land from which I hailed also remains. Once upon a time it was on my doorstep, with its entirety of consumer choices and long and rich history etched in places one can visit on rainy days. While I’m enjoying it now, I know it too will soon be half a world away once more. But then I think of the relative simplicity of the life to which I am returning, the one where I take my regular beach walks and commune with nature, and feel blessed to have all of this in my life.

What about you? Who are the people and places in your life who have meant so much to you? Are there moments of connection and reconnection you have planned so you can savour the anticipation and then reflect upon the richness afterwards? It really is an exercise in gratitude for me, taking time out of my normal routines, and it’s giving me a greater perspective and appreciation for all that I have in my life.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Relationships are Just a Series of Moments – True Love Lies Within, Give Yourself the Gift of Presence to Relieve the Torture of Stress, What or Who Do You Call Home and Is It Your Happy Place? and An Open Letter to an Old Friend.  To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

I was listening to Melissa Bernstein, cofounder of Melissa and Doug toys, being interviewed this week and she said something about friendships that I thought was really profound. Now in her late fifties, she said she hadn’t really enjoyed any close friendships (outside of her marriage) until the last few years, and the main reason for that is it was only recently she allowed herself to be vulnerable enough to cultivate relationships outside her family.

That struck me as a really great definition of the close friendships I cultivate, the ones that thrive and endure are the ones in which I feel I can be my true self – which has really been my most vulnerable self. The parts of me that I’ve been taught may not be accepted if I presence them in the world, for fear I might look weak or selfish or other traits which may be frowned upon and not accepted.

Growing up there are generally parts of us that we hide away, out of survival instinct, in order to fit into the family unit and societal norms around us. Growing up in the west of Scotland, sectarianism was rife for example. In recent years, differences have become more pronounced with the rise of social media and global environment and climate challenges, the COVID19 pandemic, power and governance issues and emerging technologies. Opinions seem to have become more polarized and certain values or beliefs unwise to express unless they align with the mainstream narrative.

But what I am talking about, aside of my opinions on such matters, are things like whether and how I might express my emotions. Was it safe to express anger, fear, hope, happiness, or sadness at all? Never mind in the various shades and forms these emotions come in. In a recent novel I read, set back in the height of coal mining era, I was reminded how entire communities adopted deferential attitudes about what could be achieved and what they could become.

It reminds me of the “crabs in a bucket” mentality. A crab placed alone in a bucket will easily climb out and escape, but when you place it in the bucket with a few other crabs, this interesting phenomenon occurs: One at a time, as the crabs try to escape, other crabs will pull them back down to their misery and the group's collective demise.

Wherever I picked up my inner narratives, after years of practicing mindfulness, I’m now very aware of the voices in my head that act just like those crabs to collectively keep me constrained.  I have all sorts of voices about my limitations, what expectations there are on me, what might happen if I should presence my beliefs, desires, opinions etc in the world. Conversely I’ve also become acutely aware of what those beliefs, needs, desires and so on actually are.

And, more than that, over the last number of years I have started to be open about those with friends I could trust being vulnerable with. Like the fictional novel I read of the young lad from an old coal mining town destined to repeat his family’s role in the small community he didn’t feel he belonged to, he started to slowly find kin. People of like mind and heart, oddities like him, supported him and believed in him to become who he wanted to be.

For my own part there were many years when I’d keep attracting people, who were more like those who had contributed to my earlier narratives, in a subconscious bid to try to get them change their mind; to approve of me, support me. And the pain of that rejection felt so familiar I tricked myself for a long time into believing that is how it is supposed to be.

Now I am surrounded by a carefully curated group of people in my life who tick the boxes on Sasha Tozzi’s list of Choose people who:

• Choose you
• Ask how you are
• See you
• Let you be you
• Feel good to your nervous system
• You can breathe easily around
• You don’t need to perform for
• Are good for your mental health
• Want to see you win
• Don’t try to control you

The level of vulnerability – meaning the parts of authentic me that I express – with people depends on whether there are seated at my V.I.P table or have the potential to be. That also applies to where I invest my time and energy, because I know whatever I give the majority of my attention to will be my greatest contribution in life, good or bad.

As I embark on a new romantic relationship in my life, this also brings with it all the characters that feature prominently in my partner’s life. It’s been a good check in on my own growth and boundaries as I meet new people and assess how compatible I am with them and where to invest my energy according to Sasha’s little check list. Although intentional, I can’t express how grateful I am to have met someone who is also mindful of their own healthy boundaries and who cultivates relationships in a similar way.

Ultimately it comes down to whether I spend time with people who drain my energy or boost my energy. At worst I want to spend time with those where there is a neutral net effect, where the energy flow back and forth is pretty equal. At best, I love those times and people with whom my energy gets amplified and expanded due to a mutually positive focus.

Those who constantly drain my energy I either no longer engage with or – if I have to – I have some very strong boundaries around how and when we interact. As time goes on this gets easier and easier to manage as I’m supported by more and more people who are more “me”.

What about you? Are the people you surround yourself with more aligned with old narratives or the more authentic you? Are you able to be vulnerable with them and feel positively supported? Who boosts or drains your energy? Are you being helped or hindered in living your best life?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy I Am Enough, Are the People You Surround Yourself With a Match to What You Want From Life? Is It Time to Really Embrace, Enjoy and Embody Your Sexual Truth? Choose Kindness and  How to Deal With Not Being Liked – Those People Who Do Not Treat You Well. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

On my wall I have a reminder that the road to interdependence means that instead of being continually being focused on the wants, needs or problems of others in order to gain approval, feel worthy and/or in control of the outcomes (to avoid dealing with my own emotional pain), I would do well to:

• Respect people for where they are at – nobody needs to be saved
  
• Resist the urge to solve others’ problems and give unsolicited advice, which can rob others of their dignity
  
• Resist the urge to do for others what they can do for themselves, which robs them of the opportunity to take responsibility and grow
  

This also means teaching my kids to look inside themselves for answers and caring for myself so others will respect me (because I’ve respected myself).

Rescuing others has been a way of being most of my life, which was born from a childhood fear of disappointing others, a common pattern apparently.

It’s so tempting when I see or read something that I think would be useful or enlightening for someone I know and love, not to pass it on.

Just this morning I was reading Evette Rose’s book on Metaphysical Anatomy about the emotional causes of a particular autoimmune disorder on behalf of someone I love, who had asked me to do so. As I was reading this paragraph struck me:

“You suppressed your truth and your boundaries, leaving you unable to discern when situations are becoming unhealthy or even abusive. The longer you stay in an abusive environment, the more acceptable it becomes. Your circumstances become normalized and you feel comfortable being uncomfortable”.

It struck me because it’s exactly what I had done myself in previous relationships, although I manifest a different set of symptoms physically than those I was reading about in this case. However, as I read it I also thought immediately of another close friend who is in that kind of environment right now. The urge to share the words I was reading was quite strong.

Then I thought about Glennon Doyle’s advice in Untamed where she talks about those moments when it’s time to “be in” something:

“I stayed in my addictions until I knew. I stayed in my marriage until I knew. I stayed in my religion until I knew. Just like I stayed in my pain and shame until I knew. And now I know…
I will not stay ever again in a room or conversation or relationship or institution that requires me to abandon myself. When my body tells me the truth I’ll believe it, I’ll trust myself….
But for others to my left or my right who must stay, I’ll send them my strength and solidarity and then I will slowly, deliberately and lightly walk away… because it’s that time for them, because they have to know what love and freedom and god are not before they know what they are”.

I know it’s my friend’s time to “be in” his less than ideal situation, it’s his time to stay.

And I also heed Michael Beckwith’s advice when someone asked him if we have a loved one who is “in it” and/or who is ill, and they are resistant to our thoughts about their wellbeing, what should we do? His advice was “All you can do is love them. Until they ask you a question you are trespassing on their paradigm. Just love them in the meantime so they aren’t resistant to you”.

He makes the point that there is always a breakdown before there is a breakthrough, and I have come to see the wisdom in all of this over the years. So for now I send my friend my strength, solidarity and love.

I am grateful for the friends I do have that are on the same conscious journey, it does make it easier to compare notes. Although sometimes we are the antagonist in each others’ stories for that very reason of mutual unwinding of old patterns, which can be pretty dicey in the uncomfortable heated moments of big feelings being expressed.

Recently a close friend and I did just that dance with each other twice in one month, the energy being discharged between us was pretty phenomenal as we were right in the heat of old patterns of feeling unseen, mistrusted, or unheard. Thankfully we were able – with good ongoing conversation – to wade our way through what was going on for each of us.

Truly, it was not my friend’s fault that I was rattled, nor mine for her, our reactions were overreactions in the circumstances, and each of us knew that meant we had triggered some old patterns that ran deep, back in our childhood selves. That is the beauty of the conscious unwinding of old patterns, and it brought us closer together as we each resolved our own inner conflict.

The reminder that the road to interdependence, the most healthy way of being in relationship with others, means that whenever I feel the urge to “help” I have to stop and listen to what is going on for me before taking any action. I don’t always manage it, but I’m getting better at it with practice, and it always reveals something that wants to be seen and understood within me.

Where are you along this path? Do you feel compelled to step in and give advice or help others? Perhaps this article has created that compulsion to share with a particular someone who could do with heeding its lesson. My reaction now would be to look in the mirror and wonder where or why I might be trying to gain approval, feel worthy and/or in control of the outcomes in to avoid dealing with my own unresolved pain - for that is what I think the urge is really all about.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy  Your Childhood Is Not Your Fault but It Will Be Your Limitation, Get Emotionally Healthy - Is It Time to Break the Chain of Pain?, Who Do You Need to Become in Order to Realise Your Dreams?, Does Your Heart Long to Be Accepted for Being Just You? and The Inevitable Pain of Returning to Love After Years of Abandoning Yourself. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Image by StockSnap from Pixabay

I know this sounds like an easy question, but as someone who has often accepted far less from relationships of every kind than I should have in my life, I can honestly say it’s actually a very strange sensation to develop healthy relationships at first. It doesn’t feel right, and can even feel a bit like a red flag.

As it’s our subconscious mind that is in charge of our instant biochemical attraction to people, this means we become attracted to those who fit its definition of what feels right. The subconscious is largely driven by what it felt like to be at home (in childhood) and be around our siblings and parents growing up.

Given that most of us experienced conditional love we might then subconsciously form beliefs such as: relationships hurt, they are a roller-coaster, or that it’s a chase. Or we might be conditioned to expect let down, or have low standards for how people show up for us in our lives.

For quite some time I have been studying and scrutinizing relationships of all kinds, both personal and professional. The aim has been to really get better at having more healthy relationships, rather than giving away too much of myself or pulling back and not participating.

I have learned a whole lot about my own needs, values, desires, priorities, and how to have healthy boundaries with others. Recently a lot of my learning has been through personal relationships, but the lessons are equally applicable to the professional relationships I have now, those and in the past and those I will have in the future.

I read a quote from coach and therapist Briana MacWilliam, who teaches Attachment in Adult Relationships which, while she is talking predominantly about romantic partnerships, I think captures the essence of the difference between what is unhealthy and what is healthy in all types of relationships. She says:

“A soulmate relationship is powerful and important, and primarily intended for soul growth. They may be passionate and fiery, and have a sense of urgency about them. Thus, there is an antagonistic quality to them. 

Ascended partnerships, however, while still passionate, are less antagonistic. There is no sense of urgency, rather a feeling of coming home (to yourself). Of course, there is still soulful expansion, but the curriculum changes. You come together as partners to experience your relationships as an inspiration for purposeful work.”
Healthy relationships can feel strange at first precisely because they lack the unhealthy components of relationships that serve only to perpetuate feelings of lack and antagonism.

In a friendship I am forging at the moment, it has utterly lacked the qualities that many prior relationships have. For me those have been about things like: needing to win the other person over by ticking their boxes, not presencing my needs, coming on too strongly, convincing them of my right to have my own opinions (and that those are worthy) and the sense of challenge in proving all of that as well as not being too self important to relate to anyone. All those have the hallmark of taking a square peg and making it work in a round hole. So when I realised that, in this case, the hole was square, it all seemed too easy.

This is precisely the same conversation I had with one of my kids earlier in the week when they asked whether I thought they were “high maintenance”. After an exploratory conversation around this, I discovered that what was being pointed to in this instance was their quirky sense of humour and deep thinking nature. By the end of our conversation, my daughter had reframed “high maintenance” as “incompatible with certain people” especially those who like more conventional and surface type interactions.

It sounds so simple, to seek relationships where we have a lot in common with people, or our strengths and talents are welcomed and compatible, and yet I realise in retrospect that I have been chasing the subconscious challenge of being accepted for who I am among people who are simply as incompatible as those I grew up around.

Amid this sense of “all too easy” ease in the building of my newest friendships, I am consciously aware that my lack of usual angst is a good thing, and have stuck with it. The reward for doing so is beautifully burgeoning relationships that feel in the realms of “together we can be/do/learn more” in a healthy and satisfying way. Certainly my nervous system appreciates the difference and that opens up the channels for creativity and growth as never before. It feels like the brakes are off.

So how many of your relationships feel like a good fit for you? And in which are you striving to presence yourself and become accepted for who you really are? Is it time to seek relationships where you have a lot in common with people, or your strengths and talents are welcomed and compatible, so that you can accelerate your growth and expansion in life?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy  Are You Ready for More Healthy Relationships? How Would It Feel to Have More Ease, Joy and Flow in Your Life? Learning the Fundamentals of More Healthy and Balanced Relationships, How to Surrender to the More Loving Inner Self and What Do You Want From Your Relationships - Time to Take an Inventory? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

For those of us who tend to worry about what others think, whether we will or have upset someone, whether the work we have done is or was or will be good enough, whether we are, in fact, good enough in ourselves – whether we are worthy, deserving beings of others’ time, attention or admiration – perhaps it is time to turn the tables and ask ourselves that question: is this (person/situation) good enough for me?

Lost in another captivating Tracey Rees novel this week, I read those words as one character challenged another to ask herself that question in every moment of a date she was going on. The challenge dropped into my psyche the way just the right lens does when the optometrist is doing a refraction test and suddenly everything on the board in front of me becomes very clear.

An old acquaintance read one of my musings this week and encouraged me to keep following my heart. They believe that by doing so, this makes the world a better place, as do I. It reminded me of one of the dimensions of compatibility that Briana MacWilliam talks about on her courses – having unconditional regard for another person.

She defines this as having appreciation for someone because you believe in who they are, regardless of what they give you. And you believe that in simply being who they are, they contribute to the good of humankind and you like being around their energy.

I can honestly say that this is a quality I look for and attract in most friendships, yet, I’ve allowed its absence in many of my romantic relationships. As I’ve mentioned a few times recently, it’s our subconscious mind that is in charge of our instant biochemical attraction to someone.

As it is much more primal and in charge of our emotions, this allows us to become attracted to people who fit its definition of love, which is largely driven by what it felt like to be at home (in childhood) and be around our siblings and parents growing up.

Most of us experienced conditional love that has painful associations that then lie at the root of problems in our love relationships.  We might subconsciously form the belief that love hurts, that it’s a roller-coaster, or that it’s a chase. Or we might be conditioned to expect let down, or have low standards for how people show up for us in our lives. 

I always felt growing up that life is far more relative than the absolute rights and wrongs I was taught. And that those rules were shaping me into someone that was not entirely me, and pressing parts of me into an oblivion that I have slowly started to uncover and unravel as life has taught me some harsh lessons.

Often in romantic relationships I’ve perhaps unsurprisingly attracted people who also wanted me to fit their shape of what was right for them and – perhaps because I was used to doing it – that is what I often did. I still catch myself doing it at times and then I rebel in all sorts of covert ways, maybe in being overly analytical, psychoanalyzing people and situations in order to understand and cope with them.

Not so long ago I found myself apologizing to a friend who, in other circumstances, may have been more of a romantic relationship. But I had found myself psychoanalyzing their situation uninvited and it was creating resentment. The truth was I was probably doing it because I had become resentful of the energy imbalance in the relationship; I was overinvested and insecure, giving too much, and trying to rationalise out the imbalance.

In other words, I was not receiving what I needed from the relationship so I was feeling that I was not good enough and doubling down my efforts to be more, do more, give more. All this instead of presencing my needs, taking the reaction to that as information about whether and how to proceed with the relationship, and recognizing that it was not good enough for me in the form it had taken.

Old habits die hard, but when I read that question and asked whether this relationship was good enough for me, I realised straight away that it is not, and the many ways in which I’d given away my own boundaries in a repeat of the times previously when I’d unconsciously followed the same pattern.

This isn’t about assigning absolute levels of worthiness to individual beings, it’s about wherever they are/the situation is in relation to my priories and needs. We are all different and inherently worthy, it’s simply about finding a match rather than trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.

I have to say, relationships are both an art and science, and they can’t be forced. It would be like forcing a flower to open, destroying its beauty in the process.

Yes it is hard to walk away from something that is a part match, because those parts that are compatible and do feel good are alluring for a time. But as Glennon Doyle says, once we imagine more for ourselves there is no going back; to stay is to become bitter and sick and live in quiet desperation.

This is as applicable in romantic relationships as it is in a career, or any close friendship or relationship. If I haven’t been clear about what my needs are, that is down to me to presence them, but understanding that it is no one’s duty to meet them, that is their choice.

I am now committed to a path where, if I’ve presented my needs, and that situation or person cannot or will not meet them, then it is up to me to reposition that relationship accordingly (for example, a potential mate may become a friend or an acquaintance, a potential career may become a short consulting assignment etc) or walk away.

So ask yourself, if you worry about what others think, whether you will or have upset someone, whether the work you have done is or was or will be good enough, whether you are, in fact, good enough in yourself, what covert ways do you go about getting your needs met? And how does this usually work out for you? Perhaps it is time to turn the tables and ask yourself that question: is this (person/situation) good enough for me?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy  I Am Enough, Trust That It’s Absolutely Okay to Not Know Where You’re Going, How Do You Know When You Are the Best and Highest Version of Yourself?, Which Dimensions of Compatibility Are Most Important to You?  and How to Appreciate Our Differences Enough to Admire and Want to Embrace Them. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

“Having clear boundaries means that we are in touch with the healthy, loving part of ourselves to know what does and does not work for our higher good, and to choose accordingly.” ~Michael Mirdad

Over the last few years I’ve been doing a lot of work around boundaries, identifying my own needs, wants and desires and learning the skills of communicating and holding them in a healthy way. However, it wasn’t until my boundaries around sex were a bit challenged that I realised I had been unquestioningly operating from a paradigm of “sex belongs in a committed relationship” for as long as I can remember.

This paradigm had not resulted in good experiences or entirely healthy or fulfilling relationships. I twisted my priorities, compromised in ways that are not for my higher good across many of my needs and beliefs, shamed myself and tried to shape those significant others in fruitless attempts to fit “the whole of me” into this version of life.

Even if there was great sexual chemistry and intimacy, there was always other dimensions of me packed away painfully unable to fully express themselves, if at all, within the confines of those “committed relationships”. But there were also times when I found myself compatible with people in other areas and entered into a full romantic relationship with them, even although there really was no chemistry.

This was not a paradigm that allowed for free expression. It was constricting, there was always over-compromise and incompatibility.

I was brought up to believe that love was a feeling, one “you will just know when you feel it”. It turns out that “feeling” of attraction is a biochemical response, based on the neurobiology being wired through the years our childhood where our home life and relationships with our siblings and parents becomes our subconscious definition of love. For most of us this love was conditional.

This was reinforced in movies and TV, this mythical feeling seemed to have people do all sorts of major life changing things for love. So giving away parts of myself, not having all my needs met, wasn’t even a conscious concern, my biochemical reactions were running the show. That didn’t mean I didn’t feel the pain of having parts of myself locked away, it just meant I was used to that feeling, it felt normal.

Now I know the best relationships are the ones which are built on compatibility, and there are so many dimensions to that. It's far more than just whether you're friends and have chemistry, which is how I would have defined a good relationship up until the last few years.

Compatibility is multi dimensional, and there are a few models out there that attempt to define the various dimensions. But really we get to decide what is important and to what degree. These are things like values and beliefs, sexual chemistry, emotional intimacy, humour, interests, future goals, spirituality, affection, financial beliefs, how well you both contribute to the day to day routines and necessary functions of the home, how safe your nervous system/body feels around the other person, and even appreciating someone because you believe in who they are, regardless of what they give you, you like being around their energy.

I’m an ideas person, I have big ideas about the ways in which our world will evolve, and yet in very few of my relationships have I experienced people who “get me” in that way. Most often I was disregarded for my talents and capacity for ideas and steered more towards what I could bring to the table practically. I didn’t presence myself in that way, I was used to it, it was normal in my childhood home and the society I was brought up among. And that is just one way in which I’ve over-compromised.

In her first novel Amy Snow, set in the early Victorian era of high society England, Tracey Rees captures beautifully the kind of attitudes that perpetuated female oppression that were still evident in my own childhood; and still exist in many places in the world today.

The novel centres around Amy Snow, named for the bank of snow she was abandoned on as a baby. Amy was found by eight-year-old Aurelia Vennaway, the only heir of Lord and Lady Vennaway. It is through Aurelia’s stubborn wanting that Amy is allowed to remain in their home, brought up by the servants and despised by the masters. Aurelia, however, treats her as a little sister; she is Amy’s only advocate and becomes the light of her life and centre of her existence.

When Aurelia dies of illness in her twenties, the now seventeen-year-old Amy must leave her so called home and go on a journey of discovery to seek her own identity and place in the world. Aurelia has left her a trail to follow that exposes Amy to more people, places, ideas and ideals, giving her choices beyond her upbringing. It is through this journey that there are so many parallels with any of us who are making our way in the world – whether for the first time or starting over…again.

This paragraph, expressed by Aurelia’s mother – Lady Vennaway - captures something of the attitudes I was brought up regarding sex:

“She had loved every moment with him she told me. More than anything she had loved their coupling – in the hay loft behind the dairy! She felt her soul flood with light, so she said. I stopped her there, I would listen to no more. I had extensive experience of these things after all, and her suggestion that it could be enjoyable was obscene. Profane!”

But the young heiress had found her own way in these matters, despite not marrying due to her illness, and advises Amy posthumously through letters of a love affair she had:

“I pray for you that you might experience what I felt, when you are ready and the time is right. It was as soft and silky as the twilight and as luminous as the stars. It felt as though the whole world was ordering itself around me. I felt I were drinking him in through my fingers, palms, lips…absorbing every inch to store in my memory. There was a fever to it, Amy, that was greater than I could have imagined. It felt ancient. It felt sacred. I am still marveling, years later, at the wonder of it and that it is so forbidden.”

As Amy starts out on her journey she meets two very different men, one she falls in love with, the other she is rather duped by in a way that “offends her sensibilities”. Again, I could relate to this from the kind of men I was warned about growing up:

“Thinking of Quentin Garland’s shameless usage of me makes my skin crawl. I feel so horribly stupid when I remember all the moments that my instincts told me the truth and I barely noticed, so bedazzled was I by the elegant figure he cut. I felt honoured and validated by his attentions when I was in low spirits, when I felt like an outcast, yet it was all mixed up in a sense that something wasn’t right. My instincts whispered to me but my insecurities made me deaf to them….By what right did he decide that my life, my heart, my future might be employed to serve his interests! Despicable regard for humanity!”

One of the people Amy has met on her journey is the indomitable and rather formidable elderly Mrs  Riversthorpe. She sets Amy straight:

“Pfff, sensibilities! Amy, you were born into disgrace and have been treated as such most of your life… You’re a young woman travelling alone in a society that reviles independence in a woman, you invite censure and misunderstanding! You can’t afford sensibilities!

I was young when I was seduced by a scoundrel who abandoned me.. A similar thing had happened a few years earlier to another young lady of my acquaintance. She killed herself for the shame of it…Clearly I made a different choice, anyone who would rather be dead than disgraced s a fool…

That was sixty five years ago. They have not all been easy years, they have not all been pretty, and they were filled with trials, but they were my years – all mine – and no one can tell me I should not have had them.

I have been talked about, you may believe it. Many of the stories are true, and many are not. That is the way of it when you step outside the cage. But I will not deign to correct a single one of them. So here you are, you find me not respectable but powerful, which is a different thing altogether.”

I suspect we all need a Mrs Riversthorpe in our lives to set our priorities straight. Now that I have weeded out this limiting belief that was taught to me but actually doesn't belong to me, that sex has to be part of a committed relationship, I am on a different track. I have a different view of it.

After a long, hard look I’ve discovered that my own truth is as long as I feel like I can delight in someone - and vice versa - with reverence, then that is what matters most. There has to be attraction, desire and respect. 

I am sad that I allowed the oppression that “sex only belongs in a committed relationship” brought, instead of allowing myself full and free expression. But I am wiser now, softer, more relaxed and in myself.

This part of me says I need not commit myself to a relationship if it were to mean giving away other parts of myself, I am free to express those also, I just need to sit people at my table accordingly. The other part was an illusion, a constriction of society’s making, a mother trying to do the right thing protecting her daughter’s virtue.

But I was never flighty of nature, I was always as deep as the ocean, there was never any real need to protect. Instead it created alarm, stagnation, held me back. I know pleasure and I know pain, I am now free to choose the former where there is attraction, desire and reverence. There is sanctity and healing to be found here in the empowerment and full expression of oneself in the embodied form.

There has been grief that it has taken me so long to learn this, but also gratitude that I finally have. If I can borrow from Tracey Rees for one final quote as Amy comes to the journey’s end that Aurelia set out for her, and she burns her letters to ensure her secrets remain so:

“My own chronicles too I set alight, the pages that I have covered with heartache and memories… they flare and flourish and suddenly they are gone. I say farewell to that whole part of my life. I shed my misfortunes in the fire, they do not define me. And in this way I claim another blank canvas on which to paint my identity – and my future.”

What I have come to believe is that sex is sacred, it is ancient, empowering, healing and should be treated as such. But the only relationship I need to be committed to is the one with myself. What is your relationship with your sexuality? And is it one that limits you or does it set you free?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy  Should We Abandon Happiness as the Impossible Dream? Do You Need to Change Your Narrative Around Sexuality? Relationships are Just a Series of Moments – True Love Lies Within and How Do You Know When You Are the Best and Highest Version of Yourself? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I’ve been having some beautiful conversations this week on compatibility in relationships and some major insights into my own drivers and patterns that have – until now – led me towards some very incompatible partners.

As I talked about in How to Make Home a Happy Place Where You Are Loved, Supported and Encouraged, it’s our subconscious mind that is in charge of our instant biochemical attraction to someone. As it is much more primal and in charge of our emotions, this allows us to become attracted to someone who fits its definition of love, which is largely driven by what it felt like to be at home (in childhood) and be around our siblings and parents growing up.

Most of us experienced conditional love that has painful associations which cause the problems in our love relationships.  We might subconsciously form the belief that love hurts, that it’s a roller-coaster, that it’s a chase. Or we might be conditioned to expect let down, or have low standards for how people show up for us in our lives. 

Not appreciating any of this as I ventured into womanhood, my only guidance to the question “How do I know if I'm in love?" was that it is a feeling "you will just know". This was reinforced in movies and TV, and this mythical feeling seemed to have people do all sorts of major life changing things for love. So giving away parts of myself, not having all my needs met, wasn’t even a conscious concern, my biochemical reactions were running the show.

As I gained more experience in the mirror of my relationships, I started to define successful love relationships as having two components: chemistry and friendship. Even then, I ended up committing to relationships that really only ever had one of those at best.

I was pondering the definition of a good friend a little yesterday, and concluded that friendship is as subjective as chemistry, and dependant on our personal experiences and priorities. It can also be very multidimensional – like I may have certain fun friends, others to ponder my ideas and deep thoughts with, others to engage in certain activities with and so forth.

Last year when I was doing a course on Attachment Theory with Briana MacWilliam, she talked about the different dimensions of relationship compatibility. We looked at values and beliefs, as well as things like sexual chemistry, emotional intimacy, humour, interests, future goals and spirituality. Other dimensions were introduced that I hadn’t thought about before:

• Unconditional Regard – appreciation for someone because you believe in who they are, regardless of what they give you. And you believe that by being who they are they contribute to the good of humankind, and you like being around their energy
  
• Domesticity – how well you both contribute to the day to day routines and necessary functions of the home. Affection – the importance of physical affection, outside of sexual intercourse or behaviours
• Intellectualism – how much you like talking about ideas versus issues of the mundane
• Generosity – a willingness to be generous in the relationship and towards each other without feeling depleted, manipulated or taken advantage of
• Cultural influences – the impact of culture and tradition (and potentially intersecting systems of oppression) on you and your partner

And I added in a few of my own around financial beliefs, maturity (the degree to which we each take responsibility for our own reactions and behaviours, lean into any conflict and are willing to grow personally) and the degree to which my body/nervous system feels safe.

This gives me a much clearer picture, and also plays into that pondering about the definition of a good friend and the concept about where people sit at my table. It really all comes down to compatibility. And if I was going to live in the same house and share a life with another person again I'd want that compatibility to be high.

By the same token, there's nothing wrong with incompatibility if it's your soul's calling to growth, but I will attest it is often a painful way to grow. After 50 years of incompatibilities I'm grateful for the resultant lessons, but personally I’m happy to try out something more compatible now.

There are different ideas on dimensions of compatibility used in various approaches and captured in different studies, it’s worth doing a search to have a look through and see which resonate most with you if the ones mentioned here aren’t capturing your needs.

While Briana’s purpose was to make me think about what aspects in a relationship are most important to me, it is not a blueprint for a partner so much as an aide to look at the different dimensions of a current/possible partnership and get very clear on where I may automatically be giving parts of myself away instead of making conscious, thought out choices.

As mentioned, Giving away parts of myself is a concept I am familiar with in love partnerships. I had never thought of any of it in a logical way, it was just a case of following the feeling. The consequences, as Robin Norwood opens with in her 1985 book Women Who Love too Much:

• When being in love means being in pain
  
• When most of our conversations with intimate friends are about him, his problems, his thoughts, his feelings – and nearly all our sentences start with “he…”
  
• When we excuse his moodiness, bad temper, indifference, put-downs or problems due to an unhappy childhood and we try to become his therapist
  
• When we read a self help book and underline all the passages we think would help him
  
• When we don’t like his basic characteristics, values and behaviours but we put up with them thinking that if we are attractive and loving enough he will want to change for us
  
• When our relationship jeopordises our emotional wellbeing and perhaps even our physical health and safety
  

All these are things I have experienced and all are signs of giving too much, because what I am giving away is parts of myself, my own wants, needs and desires. When I looked at Briana's compatibility dimensions, and added a few of my own, and the degree to which each is important, it soon became clear just how much I'd been compromising myself in so many areas.

Especially when I look at things such as how much I enjoy talking about ideas versus issues of the mundane, and appreciating someone because you believe in who they are regardless of what they give you. Being an ideas person myself, while it's not so important to me to match with another ideas person, it is important that they hold my ideas in high regard.

And yet in very few of my relationships have I experienced people who “get me” in that way. Most often I would find I was disregarded for my talents and capacity for ideas and steered more towards what I could bring to the table practically. This is a reflection also of my childhood experiences.

That then got me thinking about what it might be like to be with someone with big ideas of their own, maybe a humanitarian type, or ecologist, someone with ideas and ideals about something bigger than themselves. I'd certainly love to be around more thinkers, movers and shakers who want to change the world.

I can see now that being led by that biochemistry in the past (which arises from our subconscious childhood wiring) thinking that's "love" and therefore make everything else work, really suppressed so many parts of me. Something I’m no longer willing to do.

So what about you, which relationships are regularly causing you to feel constricted and unhappy? What parts of yourself are you unconsciously giving away? And is it time to look more closely at the various different dimensions of compatibility and how important they are to you?  

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How to Let Go of Your Attachment to Your Feelings, Expectations and Beliefs, What Resentment, Frustration and Pain Have to Do With Your Boundaries, Draw Solitude Around You Like a Warm Blanket - Get To Know Yourself and What Do You Want From Your Relationships - Time to Take an Inventory? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I was drawn by a simple exercise this week, when asked “What did it feel like to be at home (in childhood) and what did it feel like to be around your siblings and parents growing up?” The output of this is our subconscious definition of love, of what feels normal for “home”.

In her article on Why Relationships Hurt, Teal Swan says “If you really think about it, I bet you could come up with a description of what your perfect relationship would feel like. The relationship you consciously want would be unconditionally loving and supportive, intimate and fun. But no matter what you do, you can’t find that relationship. It’s like you are cursed. You keep ending up with partners who make you feel, unloved, unsupported, undervalued, unseen and stressed”.

She makes the point that it’s our subconscious mind, the one that is in charge of our instant biochemical attraction to someone, which is much more primal and in charge of our emotions, which only allows us to become attracted to someone who fits its definition of love. “For many of us” she says “home was a mix of good feelings and bad feelings, but it’s the painful associations that we have with home that cause the problems in our love relationships”. 

I have had a plaque up on my bookcase for a few years that says “Home is our haven, a happy place where we are supported and encouraged, a place where we are loved and can love” so I always knew what my perfect relationship would look like. But certainly going through Teal’s exercise and then looking back at the past and present relationships where there was/is emotional attachment, specifically the negative qualities, the truth of Teal’s premise quickly revealed itself.

She says that becoming aware of our emotional drives is the first step towards becoming vigilant about the partners we choose, and it clears up the confusion we feel in our current relationships by allowing us to see the dynamics for what they are. The more awareness we have about something, the easier it is to make changes according to that expanded awareness.

Recently I have been mentally and emotionally tussling over a close friend who really struggles to express their feelings about anything or anyone, they are what could be termed emotionally unavailable.

It is unusual for me to have friends like this, more often my friend space is the one in which I’ve always taken my emotions to be untangled and brought into awareness, especially close friends. However, this friendship involves some of that biochemical attraction and thus has the potential to be rather entangled.

As I have learned more about healthy boundaries these last few years, one of the key things that sticks with me from Terri Cole’s teachings is her concept of the VIP (very important people) area at your metaphorical table. It’s about placing people “at your table” according to the levels of trust, intimacy and attention they have earned.

Now that was a new concept to me. Family members and those people I had developed love relationships with (based on our biochemical attraction) were historically granted automatic access to the VIP area without any thought to earning trust or healthy boundaries whatsoever.

So it has been an interesting experience to review all my past and present close relationships through a lens of more conscious awareness of the painful associations I have with “home” that cause the problems in my love life.

Specifically a pattern that creates a familiar ache to me is that of attracting emotionally unavailable people. This involves me on a quest to get that person to trust and love me enough that they feel safe to express their true feelings. And then, rather contradictorily, I want those people to see and nurture the real me rather than continue to treat me as a well they drain in order to fill themselves up.

Another friend of mine, who also has a history of over giving in relationships and then left feeling, unseen, undervalued and disrespected, was also likening our love relationships to wells that we try to fill with our love and knowing so that ultimately we can finally see the reflection of our self in those waters i.e. that we are seeking validation through giving to others.

Whereas, being attracted to those wells because of their potential rather than the reality is like sitting on the edges, shouting down encouraging instructions towards the switches that will surely fill their wells, but they simply just flap around in the bottom like a fish out of water, and we pour our love in anyway.

In our conscious knowing my friend and I agree this is unrealistic, unfair and unnecessary because, when we need no one to fill our cup, we stop going to the well. There is no need for someone to do x so I can feel y. That's the point we say "this isn't a compatible match" and move on rather than trying to keep flogging the same looking for a different response.

My friend and I, deep thinkers as we are, also took this into the arena of the degree to which someone is self contained versus dependant on others. But we agreed that, in general terms, the human experience is designed for interdependence, we see ourselves relationally through others and are wired for connection and security in those relationships for our survival.

Her view is that healthy may look something more like “Unless I can see that your well is full and plentiful, I ask nothing of you, because I realise how unfair of me it is to show up in all of my ability to know, and expect you to reach the same knowing as me, so that I can drink from your well”. We both also agree it’s important therefore to fill our own wells rather than expecting someone else to.

For me this has been a journey of self awareness and self respect. Using my knowing to fill up my own well with commitment to self care (which translates in my life as things like regular meditation, swims, beach walks, yoga, reading and so forth) and self respect (which has been about increasing self awareness, committing to self growth, defining and learning to hold boundaries, and learning to pick and choose where – and if – people sit at my table). 

Consciously moving people to different positions at my table has been a process of deciding how much of my personal thoughts and feelings I share with them, how often I interact with them and in what ways, and – in some cases – stopping any interaction at all. This hasn’t and isn’t always an easy process, but it is necessary and empowering, it is what strengthens my new found self respect and self love which – ultimately – attracts more of the kinds of people I consciously want in my life and the home I wish to create.

So who is sitting in the VIP area in your life right now? Are they people who are draining your well and causing you pain? Or are they the kind of people who enhance your feeling of wellness, who amplify all the best parts of you and your experience? And what can you do today to start shifting towards that more positive dynamic?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy When Life Sends You Love Go Follow Your Destiny, You Deserve Kindness, Should We Abandon Happiness as the Impossible Dream? What or Who Reminds You of How Good it Feels to Feel Good? and Surrender to Your Inner Self.  To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I have been reading Florence Grace by author Tracey Rees, a saga set in the Victorian era. Someone who endorsed it said “the whole book feels so very wise, as if it contains half the answers to life”, I concur, it really did feel like that. I find the truths of life get reflected in many ways, and relish it when they turn up in stories.

Life can present us with all sorts of challenges, certainly my own has been full of ups and downs and yet I wouldn’t change any of it. In this story, when Florrie’s Cornish grandmother dies leaving her an orphan, she is taken in by the other side of her family she never knew and leaves the hardworking Cornish life she has grown up with to be reshaped as a lady into London society.

Although only a young teenager, she and her tempestuous cousin Turlington are immediately drawn to one another. Over the years they grow ever closer as she matures but, as cousins, their grandfather forbids any relationship. And so begins a secret affair until their grandfather dies with unexpected consequences, upon which Turlingon spirals back into drink, darkness and disappearing; as has been his pattern when he hits upon life’s challenges. Florence reflects:

Suddenly I remembered a sunlit morning years ago, waiting impatiently for Old Rilla to come home so I could tell her of meeting (the brothers) Sanderson and Turlington at the dance in Truro and ask her what it all meant.

“When life wants you to take a step forward, she had said, when it wants you to learn something, it sends you love...

Love is a strange and mystical force. It leads you down avenues you would never otherwise tread. It is always – always – about so much more than the coming together of two people. If we want a life we listen”.

Well I was learning and the lessons were hard, I remembered something else she said “It is not for the faint hearted. Love is no storybook emotion. It is like the sea. It is the most beautiful thing there is but it also has the potential to destroy everything. It takes lives, changes lives, beguiles us and lures us and disappoints us. It breaks hearts. It can send you mad. To think love and marriage are the same thing is like thinking the sea and a bucket of water are the same”.

As she has some space and reflects on their relationship she comes to understand how she loses herself around Turlington. Theirs was no harmonious union that would enrich them both, it was more of a compelling force that seemed to want to consume until they could do nothing but implode.

Throughout the book, Florence has flashes of insight about people and their character as she meets them, much as I do. And, at times, she meets people that she instantly recognises as kindred spirits, as do I. Eventually she comes to her knowing and decides to return to her life in Cornwall, she tells Old Rilla:

When I first saw Turlington again in London my soul whispered to me then, Kindred, it said. And something about that word – I was not even sure what it meant then – made me trust him. I thought my heart was safe with him.

“What else did it say, was it only kindred?” asked Old Rilla.

“No, it said kindred then it said broken and lonely. Oh.”

Old Rilla waved her hand as if dispersing midges. “The beginning, middle and end of it, all there in those three words. How could you ever be safe with someone broken and lonely? Yet how could you ever have avoided what happened since he was kindred?”

I was young, I agreed, I had no wisdom.

She shook her head ”Even then, there is no wisdom can protect you from the people you were sent here to love, nor the lessons you were meant to learn. Not every love story has a happy ending. It makes it no less a love story for all that. The next time Kindred comes knocking at your door – and it will – you will have no say in the matter”.

I frowned, promising myself I would never let myself believe that feeling of destiny again. In fact, if I ever felt t again, I would run as far away as possible.

As time goes on Florence reconciles herself and, in her heart, wishes Turlington well from afar as she pursues a new life back in Cornwall on her own terms.

In my own life I have also been drawn to relationships that felt kindred, and this led me to question my intuition. When the lessons life wanted me to learn were about my own unhelpful tendencies and patterns of behaviour (hyper attunement to others, anxious attachment, codependency etc) there was a time when I lost my trust in my own judgment, including my intuition. 

But as I look back, the other words that came up as first impressions of the kindred people I was drawn to, were words like “trouble”, “misunderstood”, “cool/distant”, “uncompromising” and “self centred”. I can see how all of these were ultimately helpful in my stepping forwards and learning things like self respect, self care, self love, healthy boundaries and how to self regulate.

Over time I have rebuilt a better faith in my judgment and I now trust my intuition again. Yes there were times I stayed in the story longer than needs be, but I wouldn’t change any of it for the lessons I learned and the gifts I have, my children included.

It did make me smile when, in the postscript of the novel (set a few years later), kindred does indeed come knocking again:

A stranger comes to call “Do I not need any help?” he wonders.

I do not. There is work to be done certainly, but there are three of us living here already to do it. However, the stranger is beautiful. I hesitate. I look into his eyes and see constellations there, my head swims a little. I am taken by an unaccountable longing to put my arms around him; somehow I know what it would feel to hold him.

A gentle man. Warm. Kindred.

I know this feeling. I know instinct is one thing, reality another. I know nothing about him – whether he is married, whether he drinks, if he has a hidden temper. I should thank him, decline and offer some food for his journey. Instead, I follow my heart. It’s the only way to live a life. “Would you like to come in?” I ask.

That was a beautiful way to end the story, a valuable reminder that when life sends you love, if you want to live a life, trust it and follow your destiny.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Step in the Direction of Your Destiny, How to Live in Conscious Self Awareness in the World, Embrace Compassion Over Combat to Step Into Your True Power, Are You Willing to Take Your Sovereignty While Allowing Other People Theirs? and Looking Back to See the Clues to Your Destiny.  To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I was reading my course notes on healing attachment wounds this week and marveling at the ways my attachment to certain feelings, expectations and beliefs shows up in my life through relationships.

While I learned about attachment theory at university many years ago, I’ve enjoyed this deep dive into understanding the neurological wiring and physiological responses the survival part of our brain drives depending on whether closeness or distance feels safer to us.

As Briana MacWilliams explains, this wiring is determined by the extent to which the parenting we received was supportive and loving versus critical and demeaning and many of us grow up with insecure attachment styles. That said, our wiring is malleable and will change if we meet the growth challenges. In other words, I can feel more secure by:

• understanding attachment wounds more
  
• recognising when I’m triggered
  
• learning to differentiate between what is reasonable and unreasonable
  
• developing better communication skills
  
• and meeting my own needs while also respecting those of others.
  

Attachment styles can be thought of in the sense of whether we behave in ways that are highly avoidant or highly anxious, with those who are low in both avoidance and anxiety being considered more secure in themselves. There are many ways and layers with which to define this, but broadly those with:

• anxious attachment tend to struggle with feelings of unworthiness, respond to a familiar type of emotional unavailability in partners, are terrified of abandonment, will do anything to preserve the relationship and tend to get stuck on potential and wind up settling for “the best they could hope for”. When they feel threatened they try to control the situation. In other words, this type will avoid anxiety by searching for temporary relief through an outside source. As Briana says, “It’s like putting numbing spray on a festering wound”.
  
• avoidant attachment tend to struggle with feelings of rejection and a fear of being consumed.  They believe that relationships come at the cost of personal freedom and need a lot of space. In other words, this type will avoid anxiety by being dismissive and cutting themselves off/withdrawing from outside sources. In Briana’s words “It’s like cutting off a whole limb to treat a minor abrasion”.
  
• disorganised/fearful avoidant attachment (who can be both highly avoidant and highly anxious) want love and connection but are also afraid it’s a façade, that they are being manipulated and used. They tend to be predictably unpredictable and to cut themselves off, dissociate and then attempt to reconnect. In Briana’s words “It’s like numbing a wound before cutting off the limb and then trying to sew it back on again”.
  
• secure attachment generally are open to new relationships, believing they meet people when the time is right. They are looking for shared values, goals and emotional honesty and know that compatibility is the true foundation for lasting relationships and connection.
  

One of my close friends and I often fall into what’s popularly called “the anxious –avoidant trap”. The person with anxious attachment (me in my unconscious “wired” state) moves towards intimacy, and the person with avoidant attachment (my friend) moves away from intimacy to regain their space. It’s been very useful to recognise this pattern, though in truth my friend is probably more wired with both anxiety and avoidance reactions.

It is perhaps a sign of rising to the growth challenges anxious attachment presents that I am able to now recognise this pattern and, despite loving them deeply, have no desire to be in a romantic relationship with them while they maintain such a fear of emotional intimacy. I’m quite happy to have them as just a friend.

I have noticed, however, just how often my old patterning can kick in and I feel quite hurt about something they have said or not said). When this happens I now take a look at the narrative in my head running those hurt feelings, and unearth whether these (generally) unspoken expectations are reasonable or unreasonable.

Once I shine a light on whatever is driving the narrative I often discover I’m being unreasonable with both myself and them, and old patterns and beliefs are running the show. I acknowledge that is not always the case, I have also learned the hard way to discern through other relationships when more toxic patterns emerge, like gaslighting, and then it’s time to disengage.

However, if I can see I’m being unreasonable, and old patterns and beliefs are at play, it provides a good opportunity for me to reframe the narrative in a more healthy way. I described one way to do that in What Resentment, Frustration and Pain Have to Do With Your Boundaries but there are many ways to do this and it’s been a matter of finding what works for me in which situations.

It’s with regularity lately though that I see that many of the painful feelings inside me are less about unearthed healthy boundaries, and more about a narrative that no longer serves me or that I actually even believe anymore.

Just this week in a conversation with my friend about something that happened many years ago, I felt that familiar pain arise and started to take stock. My whole “poor wee me” narrative was just one perspective, my friend had quite a different take, both wounds were fuelled by fear and had elicited our typical anxious/avoidant dance.

Then I realised there is no feeling they can elicit from me that isn’t simply a reflection of what is already within me. And it’s a choice as to which of those feelings, which of those expectations and beliefs driving those feelings, are actually true for me now.

I have no need to subjugate myself. That was a coping mechanism which, as Briana MacWilliam puts it, “was once the most functional way to get one’s needs met in a dysfunctional system or environment”.

More often than not, it’s a simple decision to take a more mature, more secure stance that shifts the feelings within me. It’s about holding true to the types of feelings I want to feel but letting go of attaching those to any particular person. That can also mean letting go of relationships with specific people entirely on occasion, but more often than not it just assigns them to a different category in my mind.

In this way I can see I’m actually not so quite “attached” to my feelings, expectations and beliefs are I thought I was. As I grow, emotional fragility becomes emotional intelligence, gullibility becomes adaptability, self abandonment becomes forgiveness, desperation becomes expression, smothering becomes nurturing, people pleasing becomes more healthy generosity and kindness and self depreciation becomes self reflection.

In what ways could you grow by reexamining and attaching new meaning to your feelings, expectations and beliefs?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy I Really Want to Go From Overwhelm to Clarity and Confidence, Ways to Reach for Growth Rather Than Reacting With Old Conditioned Constriction, Put Mature Parts of You in the Driving Seat for Better Results  and Overcome the Greatest Human Fear – Be the True You. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. With thanks to BrianaMacWilliam for the insights and guidance.

This week brought an end to a busy period for me over our summer, where my attention has been focused outward and I haven’t had a lot of time to think about either my present circumstances or my future hopes and dreams.

The first thing that happened was I fell into a slump, the reality of where I am versus where I want to be hitting me like a juggernaut. Sometimes it’s easier to keep busy and just not think about “what is”, but then that line of thought spiralled me into grieving for the decades of my life where I’d done just that.

It's like author Edith Eger talked about in relation to the concentration camps, when she was imprisoned her focus was on survival and keeping her soul in the light. When released she became imprisoned in the darkness of her mind until she finally grieved and processed what had happened in the camp.

I have a close friend that shows me frequently, inadvertently through their own situation, a reflection of the prison I'd put myself in for many years. Also, given their generous and kind nature, they unconsciously illustrate to me the ridiculousness of people like us subjugating to others who take advantage of that nature without getting our own needs met, nor receiving any reciprocation of respect or kindness.

That looking glass is there in my life to – among other things I’m sure - allow me to grieve for my own poor choices that I made in the past. That, coupled with the loss of distraction, and I felt quite depressed at the landscape of my current reality. Heaviness had set in across my chest and I found myself ruminating about “what is” and “where to next”.

Currently I sit in an in-between space in my life, in between shaking out the things I don’t want and attracting all the things I do want. I’m very aware as I transition into a new phase of my existence I’m journeying towards aligning my inner and outer worlds in every area of my life.

More and more I embrace the saying my gran repeated many times “what’s for you won’t go by you”, more and more I have absolute trust in the flow and serendipity of life.

However, it is hard to be in the flow of life when I’m spending too much time noticing that my “reality” isn’t what I’d like. It’s like one minute lying back with my lifebelt on just enjoying the trip downstream, then the next deciding it’s all down to me to get where I need to go and struggling against the current to get to the bank and exit the river and do it all on foot.

To stay in the flow I have to make “now” fun, give myself something to be excited about. I was reminded by another friend of my own inner voice speaking about a year ago when I had to start negotiating the time my children would spend at their father’s house versus mine:

"Use this time (without children) not to fulfil tasks and be productive but to fill your heart. If you will fill your heart it will change your vibe and the rumination will naturally drop away".

I’d been drawn to an article this week about unique ways to start having fun, but when I did some of those I was still stuck in my spiral and it really just pointed me back to the things that are currently not in my life that need their own time to manifest. However, there were some great ways in there to uncover your heart’s true desires. It reminded me of the saying:

“If you want to know where your heart is, look where your mind goes when it wanders”.

So my friend jumped in with a little bucket list exercise, and once I’d laid out the big stuff (my vocation and intimate relationships) that need their own time to become evident and for me to be in the right heart space, it cleared the way for ideas to come up around some of the things I can do now or at least plan to do in the near future.

For example, I am booked to travel and see family overseas this year and, although I will have my children with me, it also provides an opportunity to catch up with some dear friends I haven’t seen in many years. I’d like to travel there more often in future, once in seventeen years has in no way been enough so I’m excited about this second trip.

That of course led to a discussion about travel and all the places in the world we would like to see, some of which I could certainly plan in the next few years. Then we got on to talking about perhaps going to some kind of retreat, or going to see one or two of my favourite teachers at a live event, something to directly nurture my spiritual side.

And inevitably this opened up a much wider realm of possibilities for all sorts of things I might want to pursue right now, from a wardrobe revamp to other things I want to study and learn about.

As we batted ideas back and forth, it sparked some light into my life again and I do feel more excited about the possibilities that lie in the present.

Sometimes it’s just not possible to make certain dreams come true this very second. However, in order to enjoy life and to be in the right frame of mind, heart space and open to receive when things do line up, perhaps it is time to consider what possibilities there are that you can get excited about in your life right now?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Have Fun Not Knowing What You Want to Offer the World, Meditation – the Cornerstone to Your Success, How to Withstand the Assault of Self Doubt and Go After Your Dreams and When Life Is Getting You Down – How to Lift Yourself Up. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.