I was watching a movie called Freedom Writers based on the real life story of Erin Gruwell who in 1994, as a naive straight-out-of-college teacher, worked with class of juvenile delinquents, gang members, drug pushers and underprivileged students. The school deemed these kids incapable of learning and felt it was more a matter of them being warehoused until they were old enough to drop out on their own – if they lived to see that day.

Instead of giving up, she inspires the kids to take an interest in their education and planning their future. She encourages them to keep journals, recording the stories of their lives to get them engaged, and assigns reading material that relates to their experiences before taking them on trips to places beyond the streets of their childhood lives, to museums and so forth, and teaching them about the wider world and other people’s struggles.

Specifically Erin uses The Diary of Anne Frank to show them, like them, a 13 year old girl who faced baseless hatred, bigotry, persecution and a system out to destroy her. Eventually, the class’ study of Anne Frank and their continual journal writing leads them to extend an invitation to one of Frank’s protectors, Miep Gies, and to raise enough money to bring her to their school.

When the old woman arrives, she tells the group, “I did what I had to do because it is the right thing to do—that is all.… Anyone, even a teenager, can turn on a small light in a dark room.” After a student calls her his hero, Gies quickly deflects the title: “I have read your letters, you are the heroes, you are the heroes every day. … Now your faces are engraved in my heart.”

The kids went on to graduate from high school, half went to college and some even went on to university and higher studies. The stories of Erin Gruwel and her students, as they move from their freshman year to senior years from 1994-1998 were collated and published in The Freedom Writers Diary, which is what the movie was based on.

It was a timely reminder for me of how – specifically in those years of adolescence – the difference it made to me have someone who believed in me. I was lucky in fact to have several people, two fantastic swimming coaches and others who just said the odd thing along the way that made me dig a little deeper and do that little bit extra that made all the difference to the outcomes.

There are so many ways in which kids’ self esteem can take knocks. Just recently my daughter related a story from her own classroom, where a teacher told her that her writing wasn’t good enough and, after flipping through her whole book told her she needed to “try harder”.

Apparently he then went on to tell the class that their writing can be a reflection on who they are. Ergo my daughter, who has struggled will dyslexic tendencies and made huge strides in her reading these last couple of years, received a message that isn’t good enough, and that she isn’t good enough. From all the study I’ve done on the human psyche and trauma I know this is one of the most common subconscious messages that people play in their heads.

But it’s not just kids who need to feel that belief. I saw an open post dedicated from husband to wife (a lady I know) that was inspiring. It was a page from N.R. Hart’s Poetry and Pearl’s 2 called Unexpected. It starts “She’s the girl you never saw coming. The unexpected one who calms you, centres you…she gets you, really gets you, like no one else ever has. She is your best friend, lover and soul mate wrapped up in the prettiest package” and so it goes on.

It’s a beautiful prose that reminds me of just how powerful having another see you and believe in you can be. But of course, it comes with a warning in my head. I know it’s normal and healthy to want others to see us and believe in us, but it’s not healthy when I need others to validate who I am.  That is the sign of codependency, when my very sense of self is shaped by that approval and disapproval, which is not a fun place to be.

I was also reminded of another aspect of believing in people this week when a friend of mine pointed out that there were times they felt I was trying to change them by empowering them, which can also be seen as a criticism. Again true, I am guilty of seeing people’s potential and forgetting that unless they can see that and want to reach for it, I’m a better friend that can accept them as they are.

My daughter’s teacher may have been trying to convey that he believed she can do better, for example, meanwhile it also implies that who she is isn’t good enough. It would be a different matter entirely if she had heard “I can read this, but I believe there’s a beautiful hand writer locked inside you waiting to be seen, if you want to explore that let me help”.

I think the key is really about allowing people to determine what is it is they want and helping them believe they can be it, do it or have it. I will admit I find it so much easier to believe in others than myself.  Human potential is something I’ve always been interested in and I do believe – objectively – we can each be, do, have whatever we believe we can.
Sometimes the circumstances of my life provide overwhelming evidence that maybe I can’t be, do or have the things I often don’t even allow myself to dream of. I get caught in a loop of inner voices and evidence of my not worthiness. Then I get so distracted with other things it just falls off the radar.

Until I watch something like Freedom Writers and that voice inside me says “remember” and I start to feel inspired again.

Lately I’ve chosen to set aside the inner voices that have distracted me constantly in a bid for justice. Fighting for what I want and deserve is something I became well practiced as growing up. But it’s also an illusion when it creates inner turmoil and not inner peace; the calm, clear knowing of inner peace. Where I’m not concerned with what others think, only how I feel. And from that place I know I’ll make good choices.

Bringing myself back there I’ve started to see again the many reminders of who I am, what inspires me, what I’d love to offer and do in life. The job at hand now is to stay in that centre of inner peace and believe in myself enough to reach out and take the opportunities that are sure to come my way if only I am open to seeing them.

Because there are many people out there, kids growing up every day, and the many adults who try their best to raise these kids. Adults, while trying their best, who still have the inner doubts they had that were seeded there when they were kids, which have inevitably attracted many experiences to really enrich the idea that they are not worthy, or are not enough or are different and so on and so forth.

Breaking this chain is what calls me. It’s why I write to create awareness in myself and others, and why I feel called to be and do more to help kids as they are starting to grow, before life gathers too much momentum and shows them time and time again they are not worth it and stop believing it is even worth trying.

So what inspires you? Where have you felt called to be, do or have more than you are/have/do now? When there aren’t those around us who believe we can reach for what inspires us, we live in an age where it’s easier than ever to reach out and read, hear or watch the stories of those who have overcome the odds and made a difference anyway. Will you?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Magic Happens When You Believe in People, Shine Your Inner Light - Let No One Keep You Down, Start From Where You Are, Now Go and Be Great, Mankind’s Great Summons: Turn Your Pain Into Medicine and Heal the World and Finding Your Purpose – the Magic of Those Who Believe in You. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I know that might seems obvious, but the more personal work and development I do the more I realise just how often parts of my younger self take the reins by default.

There was a point this week in which I just felt utterly stuck and powerless. It was in relation to a reaction I’d had which, on the face of it, was an overreaction. It was in fact the perfect storm, an accumulation of slights and poor behaviour towards me which I had reaching breaking point on.

The reason I felt stuck and powerless in that moment wasn’t because there were no choices available to me, it was because I couldn’t see them clearly. I was in flight or fight mode, my prefrontal cortex (the thinking part of my brain) was closed for business, my nervous system was dysregulated.

And it wasn’t even that in itself that had made me feel so powerless. It was the knowledge that this was a pattern, a PTSD response to an ongoing toxic situation that is requiring a huge amount of time and persistence to extricate myself from, in tandem with the dearth in understanding among professionals and people generally about narcissistic abuse, which can leave me feeling very frustrated and isolated.

That is a topic for another day perhaps. This week’s lesson was more around the realisation that there is no quick fix in this situation. That making the shift within my nervous system and neurobiology will continue to require focus and practice.

The sympathetic nervous system controls “fight-or-flight” responses. In other words, this system prepares the body for strenuous physical activity. However, while this works well if I’m running from a tiger, it doesn’t help when the threat is more psychological or emotional in nature.

Whether it’s responding to something as chronic as the situation I’ve described, or it is some other threat (perceived or real), the real key is to get the parasympathetic nervous system back online. That is the part of my nervous system which regulates “rest and digest” functions and – more importantly – allows access to more the rational and creative thinking that can allow me to move forward more positively.

There are many ways to do this in the moment ranging from tapping to tension and trauma release exercises and everything in between. Guess what though? With the prefrontal cortex shut down it’s actually near impossible to remember what they are or even feel inspired to try them because every cell in my body is by then responding to what it believes is the equivalent of an immediate and urgent threat. Especially when caught up in the harried details of day to day life.

I was listening to a talk with Jodi Sternoff Cohen, founder of Vibrant Blue Oils, who describes smell as a great way to send a fast message to our brain to calm anxiety in the moment. Having lost her son in a car crash a few years ago, Jodi knows the value of having something that can help navigate life in the moment when our body or brain would otherwise be shutting down.

When she feels herself starting to spiral – or more accurately – become dysreguated, she sniffs an aromatherapy blend of clove and lime to help send a calming signal to her brain.

Of course that is not to say I am (or she is) advocating that I ignore what wants and needs to be processed, it’s simply recognizing that it’s not always possible or appropriate to do that in the moment. With so many mental and emotional pressures, the “threat” isn’t always as immediate or urgent as the body believes so it’s about how to take control and give myself the best opportunity of navigating these situations for the best outcomes.

Working with a client this week, I used a NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) technique that I described in What Resentment, Frustration and Pain Have to Do With Your Boundaries for making changes at a fundamental level. The pattern we were working with was one that many of us face when under stress, when we start becoming more withdrawn and less available not just to those around us, but also to opportunities and choices we just don’t see when we are closed off.

The exercise takes a look at what is showing up in the environment that isn’t wanted. I suspect many can relate to there being a constant tension between too much/not enough work when self employed and feeling a bit stuck. So we started to peel back the layers and look at what sort of behaviours and habits surface in this environment, what beliefs drive those, what are the values driving those beliefs, and therefore what part of the psyche is that person identified with.

Often in stressful situations it’s the survivor in us that takes the driving seat. But going through this process helped us to see exactly what part of their identity was taking the lead, and an opportunity to switch it out to something more positive, like the part of them that thrives on challenges.

With the thriver in the driving seat we then start to look at what the thriver values, what those beliefs look like and therefore what sorts of habits and behaviours show up – and what results - when that part of the psyche drives the outcomes instead.

I find it’s a good tool for creating a shift in both my thinking and energy and taking more control of my experiences rather than being a slave to them.

When I apply this logic to my own situation, and the accumulation of slights and poor behaviour towards me, I can see it sends me into rumination, defence, anger and grief. I become dysregulated and enraged, I believe that I have to respond now, and if I don’t stick up for myself who will? I believe no one understands and I can’t focus on anything else except getting this immediate threat sorted.

This is the reaction of my child-self, a warrior spirit that values justice, reasonable behaviour, rational argument, standing up for myself and quelling the threat. But the threat is – more often than not – not immediate.

Instead if I put my more mature feminine self in the driver’s seat, that part of me that values inner peace, flow and self integrity, things start to look and feel quite different. That part of me believes that what others think of me is their business, only the VIPs in my life get explanations. That part of me truly believes that – with my focus on positive outcomes – I can trust something much greater than myself to figure out the how, I take only inspired action.

And of course that shows up through more supportive habits and behaviours. I meditate, practice gratitude, actively regulate my nervous system, set positive intentions and focus my energy and attention on inner peace. It’s no surprise then that, when this part of me takes the driving seat, things go with more ease.

It’s an active practice, and I can justify both those parts of me being in the driving seat, but I know which one feels better, and which creates the kind of shifts I’m looking for in my life.

If there is an issue you’re stuck with in your life, what part of you is in the driving seat? And what is an alternative that would create an immediate shift and drive better outcomes?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Want Better Health? Be Shrewd About Stress, What Makes You So Afraid of Conflict?, How to Break Free of Addictive Relationship Patterns, What to Do if You Feel Trapped By Your Circumstances and Be Virtuous – Be Victorious. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Image by Pexels from Pixabay 

My daughter got me thinking this week when she exclaimed she doesn’t really know “what I do”. I realised it was time to get loud and proud about the aspects of introversion that are often hard to explain to the outer world and how this shows up in my life in terms of how I choose to spend my time.

In short, introversion is used to describe those of us who feel more comfortable and become more energised by focusing on our inner thoughts, feelings and ideas rather than what is happening externally.

In typical fashion, as I pondered how to explain this, a friend then asked me this weekend how I’d spent my day. I responded “Doing typical introvert type things: thinking, reading, writing and going for a beach walk”. It has been a big week, which in my terms translates to “lots of my energy has been focused outward”.

I figured if anyone is really interested they’d ask what I like to read, write and think about, though of course my friends know me well enough to get the general idea as (being friends) we share lots of common interests.

For my daughter though, the things I’m interested in aren’t particularly on her radar at her age. She sees all the visible things I do like grocery shopping, washing clothes, housekeeping, taking her and her sister to school, extracurricular activities, play dates and appointments and ensuring they are equipped for all those things.

What she won’t notice so much is the thought, planning and organising that goes into a lot of the parenting I do. Like trying to figure out what is good and healthy for the kids in this world of 24/7 online streaming, a smorgasbord of processed food and consumerist choices, and established systems of “norms” (in terms of healthcare, education etc) that get seeded in our psyche one way or another through media, advertising and social conditioning.

Then once those decisions are made it’s about holding those boundaries with persistence and patience and helping the kids regulate their emotional responses which requires a lot of “outward attention juice”, and can be pretty draining if I’m honest. Then constantly reassessing boundaries as the kids grow. That is aside of the specific personal growth and challenges the kids face at each stage, like learning to develop their will, or dealing with conflict healthily.

On one hand, it’s amazing to be able to apply all that I’m interested in (in terms of psychology, human potential, trauma and evolution and so on), but it can be exhausting.

Then of course there are things like: paying bills, taking care of finances and other paperwork such as insurances, taxes and so on; looking after the car, the cat, taking back library books, taking the kids for haircuts and dental appointments and many other details. Sickness, are they sick or just tired or avoidant? How sick are they? What treatment do they need?

This is all completely aside of the business coaching work I’ve started doing or the hours of preparation involved over the last year in responding to a constant stream of lawyer’s letters. Last week I attended a mediation that probably took around 25 hours of my time to prepare for.

This was mixed among a week where my kids were attending their first session of an 8-week course about managing big changes in their life (and one was very apprehensive and therefore required a lot of attention and focus to get there in a positive frame of mind) and two higher education open evenings that each lasted over two and half hours at a time. So at times we would normally be at home relaxing instead we were out among hundreds of people with our attention focused outward.

According to psychologist Jonathan Cheek introverts come in many types and have a blend of qualities from among the others:

• Social introverts - This type of introvert prefers small versus large groups of people. They prefer a quiet night at home over a night out.
  
• Thinking introverts - Introverts in this category tend to spend a lot of time thinking. They are introspective and creative.
  
• Anxious introverts - Anxious introverts often feel unsettled or nervous around people during social interactions.
  
• Inhibited introverts - This type of introvert tends to over think, spending a significant amount of time considering a decision before doing anything.
  

Of course people don’t always fit in neat boxes but, in general, I would agree that like most introverts: being around lots of people drains my energy, I enjoy solitude, I have a small circle of close friends, people might find it difficult to get to know me, too much stimulation leaves me feeling distracted and dissociated, I am very self aware, I like to learn by watching before doing and I have always been drawn to jobs that involve independence.  

Parenting, though, takes things to a whole new level as I am no longer thinking and doing just for myself, I am thinking and doing for three – to greater or lesser extents – throughout years of dependence to independence. And I have to admit in recent conversations with male friends of mine it came to my attention how much of this really is “unseen” to them.

All are what I would call hands-on dads, who actively look after their children and take them to various activities as well as actively helping in the household, one described it well when he told me his wife would say it’s a 70/30 split whereas he’d say more like 60/40. I asked whether he had considered all these “unseen” components of planning and organizing and he admitted that his wife probably does the lion’s share of those.

Given that a lot of this thought and then putting it into action is a real mix of introverted and extravert activity, I imagine it’s all draining in some way to most people. In most families (from what I’ve observed mixing with other parents through school and socially) it does seem like it’s women who still take on this less acknowledged role with their children, despite some also holding down other jobs when, in fact, it is a job in itself.

Some time ago I read that western society, in particular, not only encourages but assumes extraversion. Being productive is highly valued and that means visible effort and results – and those results generally need to be linked directly to money to hold any validity.

There are different estimates and, according to some, extroverts outnumber introverts by about three to one. Author Jonathan Rauch says “While introverts are often labelled as shy, aloof and arrogant, these perceptions often result from the failure of extroverts to understand how introverts function”.

He suggests that extroverts assume that company - especially their own – is always welcome. “They cannot imagine why someone would need to be alone; indeed, they often take umbrage at the suggestion. As often as I have tried to explain the matter to extroverts, I have never sensed that any of them really understood."

This is true. And I can assure you that never has it been so important to me as through the parenting years to ensure I focus on self care also. Writing these articles gives me focus, Annette Noontil says “If we have to do for others at least make sure we are learning from it”, that is great advice and taking the time each week to focus on and share what I’ve learned is healthy for me.

As are regular beach walks, doing my meditation, going for a swim and doing some yoga as well as making time for my close friends and deeper connection with others who share my interests.

All in all, given that every single thing we do starts with a thought and our state of being, I get the sense thought the power of taking this inward time is unseen and undervalued next to doing in our society, certainly that has been my experience – and yet it is key to our growth and evolution.

Where do you sit on the scale of introversion to extraversion? Do you have friends and family you could relate to in reading this? If you can relate to it yourself how did it help you? Are there any tips or insights you’d like to share on introversion?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Be Who You Are, Who Are You? Introduce the Remarkable Human Behind the Roles You Play, How My Kids Helped Me Find My Purpose and Say Yes to You. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I’m no stranger to being responsible and taking responsibility, perhaps because I’m the eldest in my family, or perhaps it’s just my nature or the way I was brought up. Regardless, if anything, I have an over developed sense of responsibility and often don’t even see the ways in which I am taking on responsibilities that might be better taken by others.

I did a brainstorming exercise with a stay-at-home parent who was feeling quite stuck, asking:

1. What responsibilities do you pick up within your family?
2. What do you do in the way of self care?
3. What lights you up?
4. What blocks you?

It was an interesting exercise, particularly because that first list was huge compared to the others and I recognised a lot of the things I do in there too. After listing all the stuff they had done just in the last day or so, then looking at which of those things they actually enjoy doing (which was a small proportion), it was evident as to why there was an overriding sense of feeling stuck.

It was also useful to start questioning whether:

• Are all the things you are doing necessary?
• Which of these things needs to be done by you?
• Which of these things would be better done by someone else in the family? Or outsourced?

One of the more challenging things I’ve found as a parent is the constant shifting capabilities and developmental needs of my kids. Frankly I’d be happier to just set boundaries as a one-time deal “This is the way we operate and this is what is expected of you” and never think about it again.

Of course that just doesn’t work because the ability of each child is always shifting through the ages and stages, just when I start to feel we have reached some solid ground there it goes shifting again.

I like to understand the broad principles of the way things work and, of all the useful resources I have ever read or heard on parenting, it was a talk on the ages and stages by a lady Mary Willow (who runs Plum Parenting) that has stuck with me.

Mary talked about the broad development categories of our kids:

• Ages 0-7 is about physical growth
• Ages 7-14 is about social/emotional development
• Ages 14-21 is about cognitive development

And she goes into the detail of what this looks like at each stage: the kinds of reasonable expectations we could have and the useful and healthy ways to parent our kids through all of it. Obviously none of these stages are exclusive, there are crossovers, but it’s broadly the age ranges where those capabilities take big growth spurts.

My own kids are in that middle band, still at an age where they need hands on managing and organising throughout their primary and intermediate years. Standing yelling at them from one end of the house to “tidy their room” or similar is as ineffectual as it is energy draining. It usually requires some hands on working alongside to begin, and calm, mindful face-to-face reminders as they get older.

Kids do gradually take more responsibility for planning, organising and logistics, but it requires active management by a parent until they are at least 14 or 15, and probably beyond for most teens today. This has become more noticeable to me as my kids are adjusting to a split living situation and they have to pack and plan ahead a lot more than they or I are used to. It’s a constant juggle of assessing:

• What they are capable of doing for themselves without prompting?
• What do I have to help them to do to help them towards independence?
• What do I just need to do for them at this stage?

That middle one is the challenge. With my tendencies towards over responsibility, perfectionism and efficacy, it can often seem easier just to “do it myself”. It certainly requires a lot of patience and persistence to help others in their independence. 

This isn’t exclusive to parenting though. I am reading Atul Gawande’s book Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the End, it examines – in a world where people are living a lot longer – what the quality of that life is like for those in their twilight years and whether the medical approach is working.

He also examines other circumstances, such as serious or terminal illness, where people become dependent on others. These conclusions, I feel, also apply to children:

• “Many of the things we want for those we care about are the things we would adamantly oppose for ourselves because they would infringe on our sense of self”
• “We want autonomy for ourselves and safety for those we love. That remains the main paradox and problem for the frail”
• “Safety and protection are not all we seek in life, we seek a life with worth and purpose and yet are routinely denied the conditions that might make it possible”

And while I might consider myself very independent, able bodied and sound of mind at this point in my life – and thus author of my own story to a greater degree – there is no denying my interdependence on others.

I was talking to the kids about respectful communication this week, and asking the reasons why they would want to communicate respectfully. Of course, as children who attend school and have been brought up in a society that uses contrived punishments as commonplace, their first thoughts were about the people and ways in which they would get punished.

It took a while, and a lot of prompting, to get them to think through the natural consequences of being disrespectful. Our inherent interconnection and interdependence can be ruptured so easily without this basic respect.

What I have come to a deeper appreciation of is, while it might be easier to get a young child or a frail elderly person dressed by doing it for them (rather than helping them to do it themselves), or to make my children’s beds (rather than patiently helping and reminding them and managing the process until it is routine), my energy is better invested towards helping others be as autonomous as they are able.

Otherwise, as Annette Noontil says, “When you do for others what they can learn to do for themselves you are taking away their opportunity to learn and grow and it makes them weak. They become dependent on you or others and will resent it.”

Not only that, I realised, it’s all energy that I could be redirecting into my own growth and learning and doing the things I love doing.

So in which ways do you do things for others that you could better serve them by helping do things for themselves?
 
If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Ways to Reach for Growth Rather Than Reacting With Old Conditioned Constriction, Resentment, the Family Business. Are You Willing to Let It Go? Make the Invisible Visible - Celebrate the Gold in Your Emotional Reactions and Are You Overly Responsible? Actually Seeing Yourself Through Fresh Eyes. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.