 There are moments in life that naturally invite reflection. While the end of the calendar year is one of these, other moments—such as quiet evenings, the lunar cycle, birthdays, and holidays—also offer opportunities to pause and reflect. As we approached the Full Moon in November, I was reminded of its power to illuminate what truly drives me. I’d like to share the process I went through in case it’s helpful for anyone reflecting at the close of the year. Understanding Our Why For me, understanding my “why” is key to living a fulfilling life. As Colette Baron-Reid has said, when we are clear on our purpose—our “why”—our intentions align naturally and become magnets for positive change. What truly matters to me isn’t just the reason for my existence; it’s the compass that guides me through life’s complexities. It connects me to my purpose, empowers me to contribute meaningfully, and ensures that I’m living in alignment with my deepest truths. Without clarity on what matters, I risk wandering aimlessly, disconnected from the joy and meaning that make life rich and worthwhile. Though I’ve explored my values and beliefs many times, this time, I felt it was important to check in with fresh eyes and an open heart. So, I asked myself three key questions:
What Truly Matters to Us Reflecting on our “why” can reveal the essential pillars that shape our lives. When I took time to scribble mine down and then asked ChatGPT to help synthesize them into categories, this is what emerged:
Letting Go to Grow Growth often requires releasing what no longer serves us. For me, this means letting go of self-sacrifice, guilt, and old emotional burdens. Prioritising my well-being has taught me that self-care isn’t selfish—it’s essential. When we release the urge to “fix” everything, we create space for clarity, ease, and joy. Key Questions for Letting Go:
Practical Practices for Releasing Releasing can be tricky, especially when ingrained patterns have taken years to develop. There are often many layers to work through, and as we’ve spent years ingraining these patterns, the process requires a great deal of kindness and patience with ourselves. It’s not about quick fixes; it’s about gradual transformation. Here are some suggestions that can be helpful, especially when you notice old, redundant patterns emerging:
Releasing is a process, not a one-time event. Each small step we take creates more space for clarity, growth, and connection, even if the changes are subtle at first. I have to remind myself of this constantly, and to be patient with myself as I navigate this journey. Aligning Intentions with Our Heart’s Desires Connecting with our deeper "why" helps align our actions with what truly matters. When our intentions are clear, even the most mundane tasks can feel purposeful. Reflecting on these deeper motivations has reminded me of the incredible power of intention. For me, my "why" is about living a life of vitality, connection, and beauty, embracing each moment—smooth or bumpy—as part of the journey. Yet, balancing this vision with everyday responsibilities can be challenging. Tasks like car maintenance or paying bills can seem like obstacles, but I’ve learned to view them as essential parts of the foundation supporting the life I want to live. Steps to Align Intentions
When we approach our responsibilities with intention, we shift from resistance to alignment. Each step we take supports the life we’re meant to live. Your Invitation to Reflect As the New Year approaches, I invite you to reflect on your own “why.” Ask yourself:
These questions hold the key to unlocking your purpose and living a life that resonates with your deepest truths. I encourage you to take this moment to reflect, journal, or share your insights with a community. May this moment of reflection guide you toward greater clarity, connection, and joy on your journey forward. If you're reading this on Medium, LinkedIn, or another platform and would like to receive regular updates directly (and reliably) rather than relying on algorithms, you can subscribe to my blog to be the first to receive new posts. Each week, I share personal reflections and insights that connect what's happening in my life with the topics I explore If you enjoyed this post, you might also like: When Life Feels Like 'A Lot' - How to Reconnect and Recharge, Reclaim Your Power - How to Break Free from a World That Runs You and Beyond the Silver Bullet - Embrace the Upward Spiral of Transformation.
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 One of my kids was doing an assignment this week that had really caused them a lot of angst. When there is a neurodivergence at play, it can sometimes be hard to figure out whether that is the core issue or whether it’s just lack of interest, a learning style or personality trait. Honestly though, when it comes down to it, I’m not sure there’s much difference.
A lot of what we call neurodivergence points to the divergence between the outdated curriculums and way things are taught, and the variety of brain wiring that makes up a unique individual. For my kids, and for myself, I’m more interested in exploring our uniqueness than wholly identifying with labels that limit us in some way. Of course labels are sometimes useful to help us understand ourselves and others, and to help them understand us. Tasked with writing a paragraph on the difference between Parliament and Government, my child’s anxiety caused a freeze response and they wrote nothing. After watching the provided videos and reviewing the assignment, my own brain struggled to retain the details of the governmental structure. I understood it in the moment but my brain decided "well we don't need to retain those details" (which is very typical of how my brain functions, remembering principles and patterns over details) so I couldn't have explained it any more than them, even seconds afterwards—particularly when the subject feels detached from practical significance. To help them re-engage with the topic, I guided them through a political spectrum quiz, which brought real-life relevance to abstract concepts like government policy. That was an eye opener, they could see how each question could be more than a full lesson on its own, considering social issues like same sex marriage and economic issues like crypto currency and so forth. So a more engaging question for them would be something like whether the structure of government is designed to navigate these issues most effectively and just what the balance is and should be between government intervention and personal freedom. Something else we discussed this week, which was also about understanding ourselves, was how one of my children’s friends doesn’t like to see them “copying” others. This is another interesting concept, where many believe it’s lame to copy. Quite aside of “imitation being the sincerest form of flattery” isn’t it fair to say that copying is about seeing something in/on others and thinking “oh that is a bit of me”. What if life is like a big smorgasbord where the things we admire and detest in others are actually aspects of our self? Annette Noontil says “we see in others what we have in ourselves”. These days there are so many ways to see and understand ourselves, it can be overwhelming. I stopped trying to label myself when, sitting with a Myres Briggs coach in my thirties, we deliberated over my responses to the questionnaire and saw multiple options. There are so many parts of me, like Taylor Swift’s Mirrorball my young teen likes to sing, that I just appreciate seeing different parts reflected back to me more clearly in the process of life. Recently I gained a new insight when someone close to me, who frequently uses a tool from Blanchard that aligns closely with the Four Elements personality model, commented that when they first met me they thought I was more of a Water personality, but now they know me a bit better they think I’m more of an Air type. I think models like this are useful in identifying the ways we can relate to people and their different motivations. I hadn’t looked at this model for a while, so as a reminder here’s a breakdown of all four elements:
Each element represents a different set of traits and tendencies, and people often have a dominant element that influences their personality, though they may also exhibit traits from the other elements to varying degrees. I see myself in Air, Water and Earth, less-so Fire, but I do understand where my friend was coming from as Air types tend to be thinkers and communicators, concerned with big-picture ideas and innovative thinking. In career terms I’ve always been more drawn to this, perhaps in relationships I approach with more of a Water element, and in every area of life I’m generally very organized and down to Earth. But when I heard Frederic Laloux describe his natural inclination to address problems on a systemic level, I could immediately see myself and my own career reflected in his words. He’s drawn to understanding and solving large-scale issues rather than focusing solely on individual cases. This approach is fundamental to systemic thinking, which involves analyzing and addressing the underlying structures and interconnections that contribute to complex problems. All the time I’ve spent pondering my purpose in terms of career path, and really the answer is so obvious, so Air, so me. This is why Fredric’s work resonated so deeply with my ten years ago, because I had gone into organisations and worked in change and transformation, and had always looked to solve issues on a systemic level. When I started running a complaints’ department in the UK railways nearly quarter a century ago, I met up with others doing the same things in different organisations, and formed a best practice forum that met regularly, which became really useful when we invested in a new system to drill down into root cause issues. Not only did I get a new management system out of that project, but a lifelong friend in one of my collaborators and lifelong interest in transformation. My focus on improvements and collaboration were at the heart of several awards that came my way, and that led to other opportunities on some more strategic projects and committees, as well earning me a mentor who I still look up to today. Then I moved not just countries but continents and started all over again in building networks and collaborations and focusing in transformation in different sectors, though always from a human perspective first and foremost. Then I had kids, and that Mirrorball of life made me take a good hard look at which aspects are really authentically me and which are more aspects of me that were developed in reaction to a need to survive in certain situations where I didn’t feel I could just be authentically me. I wanted to shake out those parts of me that were no longer serving me, the unhelpful thought patterns and behaviours that were holding me back from my full expression and potential. While parenting, I took a deep dive into the study of trauma, while walking my own path back to me. And it left me wondering, what’s next? Inspired by Sarah Durham Wilson’s work, I resonated with advice like surrounding myself with supportive, like-minded people and seeking out communities, organizations, or initiatives focused on conscious evolution and authentic living. And, as I said in The Path to Purpose and Clarity: How Healing Transforms Your Career Goals, more than any other is was four questions that finally unlocked what had been there all along, questions I’ll pose these at the end of this musing. And now I’m on a path of starting research for a series of books on reimagining healthcare, education and ourselves. These systemic changes are closest to my heart, but as I heard Frederic talk about our agricultural system, political systems, finance systems, justice systems and production and consumption systems, I know there is so much opportunity out there for the artists of the world to paint a new vision of our future. And I realise that this is my place, among the artists. If I can’t even retain detail of how the political system in the country I live works, I’m not the detail person; I’m definitely the person thinking about systemic change, the visionary, the Air type. We need all people, all gifts, all talents, all traits. We were each born with a unique cocktail of them, and we came here to use them in a unique way, so as I look at the faces of the teens arriving at school every day when I drop off my eldest, I can’t help feel motivated by the uninspired, disengaged look on their faces. I have to lead by example and do what I came to do, to be me, and to contribute to the world in a way that is uniquely me. And that is what I want for my own kids, and for you, and for your kids. In the end, our journey through understanding ourselves and navigating the challenges life presents is a deeply personal and transformative one. Just as I’ve explored the nuances of neurodivergence, learning styles, and personality traits, and found clarity in my own path, I encourage you to reflect on your unique experiences and strengths. Ask yourself:
These questions can serve as a compass, guiding us towards what resonates most deeply with us. Remember, there is no single path to fulfillment. Our journey is as unique as our fingerprint. Whether we are a detail-oriented Earth type, an empathetic Water type, an innovative Air type, or a passionate Fire type, each of these traits has a place and purpose in our world. As you move forward, keep in mind that every small step towards understanding and expressing your true self is a step towards a more meaningful and impactful life. Your journey is important, and your contribution matters. Let your own Mirrorball of experiences, passions, and insights guide you to create a future that reflects your most authentic self. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Shed the Layers of Pretence - What Does it Truly Mean to Be You?, How to Switch Between Your Life Roles With Grace and Ease, Focus Your Attention and Conquer Mental Spirals - Resolve to Learn from Its Path. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  Juggling multiple roles can make life complex. As a mum to children who are growing fast and navigating the increasing demands of school with dyslexic challenges, along with their expanding social landscapes and issues, this alone can be time-consuming. On top of this, I’m managing household responsibilities, negotiating a new childcare contract, and balancing my own self-care while nurturing relationships. Adding to the complexity is my pursuit of a new purpose.
I’m about to embark on research for a book on re-imagining healthcare and will be working on a future project about education. I’ll be curating stories and experiences of those offering alternatives to government systems, looking for commonalities and inspiration for how we might address healthcare and education in the future. Balancing this with my existing responsibilities feels overwhelming, especially when immediate concerns demand my full attention. Right on cue, I listened to a powerful conversation between Tami Simon and Otto Scharmer, addressing both personal empowerment and urgent societal changes. Their podcast, What Future Is Wanting to Emerge Through You? posed a profound question: “How do we move from just reacting against the issues of the past, toward sensing and actualising the future that is wanting to emerge?” In my world, this question translates to: “How can I contribute to evolving the world while managing all my current responsibilities?” Tami Simon, founder and CEO of Sounds True—one of my favorite publishing houses—and Dr. Otto Scharmer, a senior lecturer at MIT renowned for his Theory U framework, provided insights that made listening to their discussion a must. Theory U guides individuals and organisations in moving from existing patterns to emerging future possibilities. I’ll admit, I’m not much of an academic, and I often find theoretical discussions full of jargon challenging. However, Dr. Scharmer’s work on leadership, big-picture change, and tapping into emerging possibilities was so relevant that I paid close attention. In their conversation, they discussed key ideas including:
They also emphasized creating spaces that encourage positive change, focusing our efforts, the role of relationships, and the importance of deep listening and awakening the human spirit. These ideas offered a helpful perspective on how to navigate the complexity of my life:
My biggest take away was that small, intentional actions can lead to big changes over time. Dr. Scharmer emphasizes that transformative work doesn’t always (and, in fact, most often doesn’t) require grand gestures. Instead, by focusing on small, meaningful actions, we can make significant progress over time, aligning our daily efforts with our long-term goals. For those of us navigating complex lives, these principles can be transformative:
As you reflect on your own aspirations and responsibilities, consider how these practical steps might fit into your life. By applying these principles, you can manage your day-to-day challenges while steadily advancing toward your larger goals, creating a harmonious balance between current needs and future possibilities. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Learning the Fundamentals of More Healthy and Balanced Relationships, The Art of Learning to Have and Hold Boundaries Healthily When Healing From Trauma Responses, Navigating Life's Balancing Act Authentically with Pink and Intuition, Finding Your Balance and From Endings to Beginnings: Let Go to Embrace New Possibilities. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  I was listening to author David Whyte being interviewed, and he talked about a great many wise and profound things. As I was driving and he was being asked to talk to the pervasive anxiety that seems to be preoccupying people at the moment, I was struck by the truths in his response about the role of our devices in magnifying the peripheral mind, which literally grounds us to our physical proximity.
We’re lonely because we are not grounded and immersed in our physicality, which makes us anxious. The sky above us, the trees and people around us, and the ground beneath our feet are all things, when we are aware of them and engaged with them, help soothe our nervous systems and give us a gentle but profound sense of belonging, He believes that this lower grade chronic anxiety was then exacerbated during the COVID years, when there was so much physical isolation. He rather beautifully said that, when we are present in our environment, it invites us deeper into “the one that waits”—that subtle but intuitive and wiser part of us. This ties in wonderfully with a challenge I was issued this week, to live a purposeful life, because without presence life becomes driven by distraction and default rater than purpose. Leading a purposeful life means to engage in actions and make decisions that align with our core values, passions, and goals. It involves a sense of direction and meaning, where our daily activities contribute to something larger than ourselves. When we speak and act according to our purpose, it means we are authentically aligned with what really, truly is needed in that moment. Sometimes though, I find I can get quite confused about what is actually needed in the moment. This is predominantly because I’ve been on a growth journey to learn how to have and hold healthy boundaries, and I am acutely aware that when I am overthinking something, it’s usually because an old pattern is triggered. The advice I was given, is to really look at the core driver behind my thoughts. Are they healthy? Are they driven by unresolved stress (i.e. an old pattern)? Or is this a flat out boundary that needs to be expressed? The more I can align and discern that, the more I am going to understand more clearly who I am. Confusion, Evette Rose says, is a mild type of dissociation. So when I’m feeling confused, it’s a good time to step back and acknowledge “okay, this is a protection barrier, a default, coming up, because whatever I am thinking or whatever is happening right now is making me feel unsafe or vulnerable”. Then, crucially, ask yourself “Is this situation truly something that should make me feel vulnerable and unsafe?” If the answer is no, then it’s an old wounded part of me. Evette recommended that I love that part of me and tell her “We are okay, where we are today. I see you. You are back there in the past; come to me, because here we are safe. In the here and now we are empowered, things are going well, we’ve learned a lot and we are safe”. Something I’d been confused about lately was the next step to take with my property manager on a number of outstanding things around the property that I’d been expecting to see in progress. I had followed up asking for an update a couple of weeks ago and have heard nothing in response. The delays and lack of communication are particularly annoying as the plans and expectations about timing were set by the property manager and the owners, not me. Applying Evette’s advice, I discerned that it is the lack of updates when commitments are made and not followed through in the time indicated, even when followed up, which was annoying me; not the work itself. Considering that this is my home and the significant rent I pay to live here, it seems reasonable to be kept in the loop, especially if there are delays or changes to plans. In essence it’s a matter of basic courtesy and respect for me, a personal boundary. With this in mind, I made sure my follow up was clear that, because I haven't heard back after my follow-up email about the outstanding work, I'm consequently feeling a bit disrespected and losing trust. That is my biggest concern, not the issues themselves. However, the reason I've been overthinking this, is because part of me looks forward to owning a home again. My sense of insecurity is separate from the property manager’s responsibilities, but staying informed would certainly ease my concerns and give me comfort that I might get a decent heads up if the owner’s decide to retire here any time soon, as is their eventual plan. That is work I need to do with the inner part of myself, which needs reassurance and reminding that, right now, in this present moment, we are safe. And should we need to find another rental before we buy somewhere again, that will work out to, as I have the capability and resources. In navigating these thoughts and challenges, I'm reminded of the importance of living a purposeful life. Sometimes that can mean something as obvious as “Am I pursuing a purposeful career?” or “Am I acting on purpose in my parenting?” but sometimes it’s about the gnarly distractions of everyday life and how to navigate those. In each case, it's about aligning our actions with our deepest values and aspirations, staying present in each moment, and finding clarity amidst confusion. Whether it's facing uncertainties with property management or exploring inner growth, each step we take towards authenticity and alignment brings us closer to a life filled with meaning and fulfillment.Take a moment to reflect on your journey—are your daily choices and actions leading you towards a life of purpose and connection? If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Be Purposeful in Your Focus - Your Glass Is Actually Still Half Full, Presence Your True Needs, Talents and Desires to Step Into the State of Fullness , Take the Quantum Leap: Nurture Your Creativity and Intuition to Craft a Life of Purpose and The Alchemy of Mentorship and Self-Discovery in Unlocking Growth. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  Although I had done a lot of personal growth work in my earlier career, when I left the corporate world ten years ago I determined to figure out who the real me is. I’ve read a lot of books, attended some courses, taught myself a lot of techniques and taken advantage of every free master class that resonated.
That said, it’s been a time in my life where my focus has been primarily based on raising mentally, emotionally and physically healthy kids, so neither time nor money for personal growth were in ready supply. Despite these challenges, I remained resolute in confronting unhelpful patterns of thought and behaviour, determined to uncover my true values, needs, and desires, free from external influences. I wanted to know who the real Shona Keachie at my authentic core is. I have taken lessons from my past and, as I read this week, know there's a reason for every path we walk. Every choice, every encounter, every triumph, every defeat, every love, every loss, has a purpose. Whether it's to build strength, to inspire change, to encourage forgiveness, or to facilitate growth, it marks a stepping stone on our path of self-discovery and every turn we take is valuable in its own unique way. Recently, I have been reflecting on the transition from one life chapter to another, recognizing this as an opportunity for a significant energy shift. Sometimes in life, though, it can be extremely difficult to tell where exactly I’m going. It’s hard to see the forest for the trees, finding my own path can be a little difficult. And I need follow my own path, of that I am certain. To build momentum and navigate my path forward, I acknowledge the need for guidance and support from others. I have some great friends around me with similar interests and values, but I also know that reaching out for help at a time of need is nothing to feel ashamed of. It’s been quite some time since I last had a mentor, and right now I can use someone who is further along the path than me in living their passion. I understand I need a little help to evaluate my current situation and, while I probably have all the resources and capabilities within me to turn my dreams into reality, I could use a guide to provide insight. Then, after reading one of Santa Montefiore’s novels in which she wrote “Max reached out to the higher power he knew was with him on every step of his path and put out a simple request, one which, oddly, he had never asked before: Help me”, I put out my own request. Within a week, an opportunity arose to engage with someone whose work I have long admired, someone I never thought to approach individually As I questioned making this investment in myself, I realised that this is one of the few people I admire and would trust to hold this space for me. So I responded outlining my situation to sense check that this would be a good match and, within hours, I received a response that absolutely floored me with its razor sharp insight, articulating what I hadn’t been able to see quite so clearly from within the forest. I immediately recognized the truth in their observation that my uncertainty about my path stemmed from previously poor boundaries with others and myself, especially because that harsh inner critic voice drove me to exhaustion, and my career was what covered/suppressed its root causes. They noted my unresolved exhaustion trauma, stemming from past boundary challenges and connections with people, and observed that my core driver is internal struggle. Therefore my most toxic relationship is with that part of me, not other people, which is a survival response I no longer need, but haven’t yet felt safe to let go. While being of service (in a way that invigorates me while helping others) is one of my top goals, I do spend a lot of time ruminating about things that aren’t serving my highest purpose. This can consume my mental energy. And when they asked me to list my most challenging emotions, from most intense to least intense, again I could see just how much anger (at myself for allowing those boundary infringements) still exhausts me and how little there is left for creating the career of my dreams and for parenting. Having taken a somewhat anxious three and a half kilometer ride in a gondola dangling 330 metres above rainforest canopy last week while on holiday, it gave me a deeper appreciation for the value of having someone in my life who can not only see the bigger picture, but can help assuage my fears. Sometimes we just need help from someone more experienced. Going after our highest ambitions, desires, and potential isn’t a solo effort. Listening to Sah D’Simone talk about his new book Spiritually, We he quoted a story about one of the Buddhists, a very developed disciple, that asked Buddha, “Hey, how important is friendship on the spiritual path?” And he replied, “Friendship is the path.” That really informed Sah’s book, how much our relationship with other people (and how we relate to others and how we engage with others) really informs the depth of our liberation. So while I know a path will open up to me, one which gives me hope and excitement and the promise of something truly incredible waiting at the end of it, it’s not here just yet. First I need to clear my mental and emotional space, take care of myself, and regain my strength. Only then will I be ready to embark on the new path life has in store for me. Investing in someone with passionate energy and enterprising resilience, who has alchemised their past struggles into their greatest strengths, will also certainly help inspire these qualities within me, and then I will be better able to determine the most effective course of action. The final thing I read this week, which is related and really resonated, was “When you have planted a seed, it will take some time before it grows into a fruit-bearing tree. Earth is the slowest moving but most stable of the elements. They say that a watched pot never boils, and watched seed never seems to sprout”. This isn’t the start of the next best thing, this is the start of a journey along the path of my next chapter in life, and expecting to see the journey ahead would be unrealistic. It’s simply time to take the next step I can see. Seeking guidance is not a sign of weakness, but a testament to our commitment to self-improvement and authenticity. I encourage you, too, to reflect on your own journey. Are there areas where you could benefit from the insight of a mentor or the support of a friend? What steps can you take to clear your mental and emotional space, allowing yourself to grow and thrive? Remember, every path we walk has a purpose, and each step forward brings us closer to our true selves. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Finding Your Purpose – the Magic of Those Who Believe in You, From Lone Wolf to Team Player - Navigating the Symphony of Collaboration in Life, Believe In Yourself Even if You Feel No One Else Does and What Makes You Feel Uncomfortable and Is It a Growth Opportunity? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  Many years ago an old mentor of mine told me I had to create space in my life in order for something new to arise. Today, as I drew the Death card (I draw a tarot card each day, it’s fun, and I take what resonates from its meaning) that again reinforced that endings are a natural part of life, and that it is time to let go of what is no longer needed in order to create room for the new.
Last week I had been reflecting on the changing tides of parenting. After years and years of being present, observing, noticing, experiencing, and managing my children’s lives, they are now in a phase where it’s time to gradually let go so they can be more consciously present, observe, notice, experience and start to learn to manage more aspects of their own lives. Additionally, the dynamics of split living and their father's preference for parallel parenting over co-parenting present their own set of opportunities and challenges. Despite the ongoing and time-consuming responsibilities in the coming years, including involvement in schools, healthcare, and other areas, the Death card reminds me to enjoy the new experiences that will emerge as the balance of responsibilities shifts from me to them, creating new space. It begs the following questions, which come when any stage in life is coming to an end:
Being on holiday without parental responsibilities (the children are on a separate trip with their dad) has given me that space to take a pause between chapters. The resort I’m staying in reminds me of one I stayed in with the children when they were much younger. As I watch families at the pool, it’s given me the time to reflect on that period of their childhood that was full of wonder but also – from a parenting perspective – rather intense. As has happened often in the past, it’s another point at which I can look at my children through fresh eyes and see that they are more capable than ever before, giving me confidence that the changing tides are indeed ones on which something fresh and surprising can arrive. In the last week I’ve consumed three novels, swam in one of the Seven Natural Wonder’s of the world, and spent a lot of time reflecting and relaxing in a beautiful place. At this time of the year Cairns is just the right temperature, with just the right amount of cloud coverage and, with great company to enjoy also, it’s been a beautiful retreat from the usual responsibilities of life. And I suspect the things I’ve been drawn to hold clues as to the possibilities that can arrive on changing tides. Out at the Great Barrier Reef I again experienced this sense of connectedness with all of life, and the impact and ramifications of human consumption and ignorance. But, in equal measure, I saw life’s ability to regenerate and thrive, and the absolutely stunning results of that. In a novel set in Auschwitz, written by Soraya Lane, I was deeply engrossed yet again in the ways in which people can rise to their potential in times of great trauma. This reinforced the message that the traumatic experiences I’ve had in my life are not in vain, they are a catalyst for something more, and something that can help others. And in another novel by Tracey Rees, one of the characters (Jarvis) asks the other (Gwen) “I don’t know why you’re so shy when you’re so articulate. Do you ever try writing? Like books and stuff?” She is so astonished to be asked and yet he says “Seems like you fit the profile. You’re good with words and you clearly love stories. You’ve got an imagination, and you don’t look like the world holds much interest for you, no offence”. Gwen is breathless, wondering if she really does fit the profile. “She loves books more than anything. She can never imagine herself being a go-getter, making money or selling houses o whatever normal people do…but in school her career’s advisor told her you can’t make money that way and you have to make a living…” While I don’t see myself as a novelist, I’m more of a memoirist, I notice my affinity with her thoughts, and suspect that the things I have been drawn to are providing clues; clues that aren’t yet definitive answers or firm footholds, but are definite signposts of interest. As this chapter of reflection draws to a close, I invite you to consider your own life: What endings are you facing, and how might you create space for something new? Are you flexible enough to let go of what no longer serves you and courageous enough to embrace the unknown? Reflect on the clues around you—they might just be pointing you toward a new and enriching chapter in your own story. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Take That First Brave Step Towards New Beginnings and Creative Energy, Even in Grief There Are lessons to Be Learned, Who Am I Now? and Take the Quantum Leap: Nurture Your Creativity and Intuition to Craft a Life of Purpose. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  I was watching Pink: All I Know So Far, a documentary film following the American singer-songwriter on her Beautiful Trauma World Tour in 2018-2019. While playing 156 shows in eighteen countries, her husband and young kids traveled with her. I was deeply moved as it reminded me of the time when my own kids were little and the relentless impossibility of trying to be fully present in the various roles as a mother, partner, and career and whatever else was needed of me.
As I watched her grueling training schedule and dedication to making her shows worthy of the money and effort people had put in to be there, I also watched her try to be present for both her kids, one of whom demanded so much more attention being both the younger and more extrovert child. There was something about her manner that reminded me of the times in my life that I’ve spun the plates and been there in a way that looks like I’m there, but really I think my essence had taken off into the stratosphere somewhere. I particularly remember when my own kids were young, and life was really intense on a day-to-day basis. There was a time - when their undiagnosed dyslexic tendencies created so much strain on their little brains and levels of concentration at kindergarten and school - that every day I was dealing with at least one major meltdown from one of them. Right amid that time, my mum (who lived on the other side of the world) was diagnosed with cancer. A family member who lived locally agreed to look after the kids for five days while I flew 12,000 miles and back to be with my mum in her last days. There wasn’t much sleep to be had in that five days and, less than a month later, I was flying back with my family to attend her funeral and catch up with the family my children didn’t really know. It was beyond exhausting. As I watched Pink balance being a performer with her role as a mother, wife, and boss, it took me right back to that time when I felt like nothing more than a performing shell of a person who was running on empty. In the years since, I have dealt with - and overcome - chronic health issues, a gnarly separation and, like everyone else, the challenges and restrictions of the global pandemic. So when someone asked me recently how my plans were progressing for relaunching my career, I gently reminded them that I’m 52, still parenting adolescent kids, getting over a recent house move that came at me sidewards, and – honestly - I’m pretty knackered right now. Not the kind of tiredness that a good sleep will fix. Exhausted with the rigors of life. When I went to see my healthcare practitioner recently, I had been expecting – among oter things – to pick up a remedy for the kids. She said “Sorry I haven’t got to that. Every time I went to do it, something in me just said no”. Now there’s a voice I trust, the voice of intuition. That same voice says no to me every time I think about building my client base. I check in with myself that I’m not just scared or stuck in a rut, but that isn’t it at all. It could just be timing, it could be something else, I’m open to the possibilities. I’m a firm believer that when things are right they line up easily. Often it just takes saying yes to one thing and, from there, other things snowball. A friend of mine, who trained in trauma therapy a number of years ago now, has recently taken just a step. She said yes to a room in a clinic where one of her daughter’s was being treated, and from there lots of other opportunities have lined up with ease pretty quickly. She didn’t take years to say yes to something because she was scared. The fact is, she was busy parenting and surviving, other things needed tended to first, including some of her own inner work. I can relate to being at that point. And I think that is okay. At my age my parents had worked their career, raised their family and retired early. In my case I had my career, tried to have a family for years, finally had my kids later in life and still have a good few years of active parenting ahead. At 52, I'm not rushing to meet societal expectations of retirement. Instead, I see the years in front as an opportunity to step into a role that authentically serves others and brings me joy. It's about embracing the "years of me," where I can live life on my terms and make a meaningful impact in a way that feels right for me. I've come to realize that life isn't just about surviving; it's about finding what truly fills us with passion and joy. It's about honoring our intuition, trusting that when things align, they do so effortlessly. Just as my friend found unexpected opportunities by saying yes to one small step, I believe that by staying true to ourselves and our passions, we can pave the way for a fulfilling future. As I reflect on Pink's journey and my own experiences, I'm reminded of the importance of listening to our intuition amidst life's chaos. This inner voice, the same one that guided my healthcare practitioner's decision and speaks to me about my career, isn't born out of fear or complacency—it's an innate knowing that some things require patience, alignment, and inner work before fully stepping into them. So, to anyone else feeling the pull of intuition nudging them towards a path less traveled, I encourage you to trust it. Take a moment to pause, breathe, and listen to that inner voice guiding you towards a life filled with purpose and fulfillment. Because in the end, life isn't meant to be spent merely working and surviving—it's meant to be lived, fully and authentically. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Take the Quantum Leap: Nurture Your Creativity and Intuition to Craft a Life of Purpose, Where Talent Meets Passion: Cherish Your Life as a Career?, How to Use Your Intuition With Confidence in Business and in Life and Leverage the Astonishing Power of Intuition, Flow and Kindness. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  "Strength does not come from the body. It comes from the will." - Mahatma Gandhi
All my life I wondered what I was here for. The question of “what is the purpose of life?” was on my mind from a young age and, at every turn, the answer eluded me. As a young teen training and competing in swimming events regularly, I thought the road to the Olympics was perhaps the path I was destined to pursue. But when I was told I had narrowly missed being chosen for the national squad one year, and if I could improve my time for the 100m breaststroke I’d be in with a chance, I seriously considered whether this was indeed my path. After a few months I decided it wasn’t. I'm definitely more motivated around others, there’s a kind of effervescence I feel when there is that synergy between like-minded and like-hearted people. Younger me loved swimming because I was part of a great team with a great coach. And when certain people left and the team dynamic changed, my heart was no longer in it. Then as I was approaching the end of my schooling and had to decide what to do next, I took the path of least resistance and went to university because – still unsure of my next move - it was the pragmatic choice. Some subjects I didn’t enjoy (advanced maths and statistics being good examples) and was really bad at, and others were a breeze and I liked them (like psychology and business studies). Still not really knowing what I wanted to do, I went for one last study option and pursued a postgraduate diploma in human resource management. From there I fell into jobs in recruitment and then finally customer services – well, customer complaints. There I found a niche championing improvements based on customer feedback, which was what led me to the field of customer service transformation, specializing in the intricacies of people and culture. Although the puzzle pieces of my professional journey were beginning to make more sense, I knew it wasn’t quite the right fit. Wherever my road was leading was still very unclear to me, it sat like a shadowy enigma in the background of my mind. And, as much as I couldn’t see my career path, I couldn’t see myself either. Decades spent attempting to meet others’ expectations and striving for perfection left me frustrated, I was yearning for more clarity about my true identity. But most importantly, at that point in my life there was one thing I was very clear on - and one purpose I had always known I wanted to fulfill – to be a mum. Younger me had envisaged that very clearly, I would meet someone, fall in love and we would have kids, happily ever after… well, not quite. To make a long story short, heartbreak, feelings of unworthiness, and a series of tumultuous relationships dulled that once vivid dreams. Multiple miscarriages became poignant chapters in my journey, leading to the birth of my children at the age of forty. Motherhood was a cracking open of the soul. My children are as different from each other as their parents are, yet a mix of us both; and both were demanding in their own ways. No longer was it possible to be superwoman and please everyone all of the time. Life put me under immense pressure at home and at work. As being a parent was the one thing I was clear about, it took center stage and the complexities of nurturing two individual beings in their growth became the focal point. While my commitment to allowing my children to be true to themselves was unwavering, the journey also drove me to some dark places. Coming face to face with those moments when you realise you sound or act just like your parents, in ways that you do not want to, reverberated in unexpected ways. It challenged me to confront unhelpful patterns and undergo a pretty intense motherhood boot camp Over the last decade I’ve learned extensively about trauma patterns, secure attachment and attunement, child development stages, toxic relationships, conflict management and wrangled with parts of myself until I came out of the wash clear enough to see. I emerged stronger, wiser and with something entirely new: boundaries. All that and I was still unclear about my purpose in terms of what service I might be to the wider world in this life. I started to take on some life coaching clients, which felt good but not entirely on point. Than one day, as if orchestrated by the universe, a moment of clarity dawned. Reading a description of a card depicting a compass, the words resonated deep within: "You are a Pathfinder guiding others on their journeys... Having followed your own path, you have evolved to embrace your gifts, establish your passions and desire to use them for the collective good..." Fifty-two years into my journey, the realisation struck – the struggle to see my path was, in fact, the path. The very challenges and uncertainties that seemed like detours were the transformative forces shaping me into a Pathfinder. Helping myself had became the cornerstone of being able to help others. As I embraced this idea of being a Pathfinder, I totally resonated with a commitment to leading others on a quest for their truth and authenticity, illuminating obscured aspects of their situations or relationships. It was a revelation that spoke to the very core of my being, a purpose that had been veiled until that moment of clarity. Yet, while I appreciate the independence of managing my workload and working one-on-one with clients, the synergy that arises from a great team is truly majestic. I find it puzzling when healthcare practitioners avoid discussing clients with each other for confidentiality reasons; I believe collaboration (with consent) could lead to a more holistic understanding and faster resolution of issues. Moving forward, I hold a vision of collaborating with like-minded and like-hearted individuals to achieve this kind of holistic approach through teamwork. As I reflect on the myriad struggles life presented, I am reminded of a recent experience at a group Family Constellations session I attended. I witnessed an older lady - who had been abused by her father from the time she was a baby – take back her power and see herself clearly for the first time. Despite the harrowing experiences, she recognised her survival and the strength that had blossomed in the aftermath of her struggles. While no one wishes such traumatic struggles upon anyone, it is a testament to human resilience. We have a remarkable capacity not only to endure but to transcend, rising above the challenges that life throws our way. This journey of self-discovery has illuminated for me the strength that arises from navigating life's struggles. Reflecting on our individual paths, let us recognize that our ability to transform challenges into strengths is a testament to our resilience. Together, we can navigate the intricate paths of life, supporting one another on our quests for truth, authenticity, and personal growth. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy From the Roots of Anger to the Blossoming of Healthy Boundaries, Embrace Your Real Self, Weave Words Like Wands - Confessions of a Sarcastic Perfectionist, An Open Letter to an Old Friend, Looking Back to See the Clues to Your Destiny and The Quiet Whisperings of Truth That Inspire Our Life. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  While working on a new website, I read something this week that gave me pause. It was an impactful reminder that clarity of thought sets the stage for what shows up in my life, to be transparent with my desires and focused in my pursuits – “Clear vision will guide you towards realizing your goals”.
Sometimes I get so embroiled in trying to make something happen, I forget this little golden nugget. I tend to pay heed when I read something that really resonates, so I parked my endeavors and reflected on some of the other words that had been popping out at me lately. I’ve been picking up on words that encourage me to spend more time in nature, to nurture my inner world, to foster my feminine qualities and take some space to reflect. There is a challenge that Chloe Couisins is offering with daily meditations that dwell upon cultivating qualities like creativity, nurturance, self love, our deep connection to mother Earth, abundance over flow and holding space for others. As soon as I looked at it, I knew that I’m feeling called to spend more time with my thoughts, or my not-thoughts, just my observance of the miracles of nature, and my deep gratitude for where I live and the life I am able to lead here with my kids growing up. I also felt called by Chloe’s words around creating more than enough though our passions and our creativity, fostering that deep desire of wanting to rather than having to. I recognised that the ability to nurture those seeds, that haven’t yet taken form, stems from the ability to nurture myself. As I was looking at the website as it is; it feels that it’s missing something vital. What I’ve developed, using the website as a canvas, represents the me that I am to an extent, it doesn’t quite fully capture that someone else I have become in recent years. Years ago I wrote Coming Out – Psychically Speaking and yet I haven’t really fully embraced and embodied many of the abilities that opened up in me back then. I use them intuitively all the time, but I lack the language to describe them in a way that feels me. I’m a real hybrid of the credible corporate people change and transformation, mixed in with a deep understanding of human psychology as we widely know and accept it, sitting alongside some intuitive skills that allow me to see things and knit things together for people that they had previously only sensed but couldn’t articulate. It’s interesting that bringing things to light for others is part of my talent, and yet it’s the very thing I’m struggling with for myself. So taking some time to cultivate those more intuitive aspects of myself, embracing the feminine, is what much of my journey these last few years points to. It’s about going with the path of least resistance, allowing feminine energy to flow through any situation without the need for force. This in turn then allows my creativity to move through when I am relaxed and present. I also took out my folder for a course I started a few years ago with Dr Jean Houston on Unlocking Your Quantum Powers, because deciding to press pause for a time on my website is far easier when I have something else with some structure – that is related to fostering my creativity - to focus on. One client last year had an epiphany when we were working together; he said he needed to spend more time in the quantum field contemplating what he wanted before taking action, rather than throwing lots against the wall and hoping something stuck. This is very much like the work I heard Dr Denis Waitley talk about years ago when recounting his time with the Olympic athletes, he got them to practice their performances over and over in their head, so by the time the starter’s whistle blew, they had lived that moment hundreds of times. But before that, there was a moment in each of those athletes’ lives – a moment that they knew, with absolute certainty – that they wanted to compete in the Olympics at the top of their sport. That clarity, certainty and conviction isn’t necessary to begin something. I can – and have – tried much from the smorgasbord of life. But there comes a time to step back, and contemplate which my favourite elements were, and how I might weave those together in a way that fosters my deep desire of wanting to rather than having to. Will you take the leap with me into the quantum field of possibilities? Are you ready to nurture your inner world and realise your desires and intentions? Let’s embrace our intuitive selves and weave a tapestry of authenticity, creativity and fulfillment. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How to Overcome Insecurities and Fears to Transform Your Life, How to Switch Between Your Life Roles With Grace and Ease, Presence Your True Needs, Talents and Desires to Step Into the State of Fullness, What Will It Take for You to Choose Happy? and Embracing the Feminine within All of Us. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  Each of us is held back in some way by our insecurities and self doubts. We let our limiting beliefs prevent us from pursuing the things that truly matter to us. Yet only through understanding our fears can we overcome them.
I was doing an interesting exercise with Evette Rose this week on boosting my prosperity vibration. She asked what my definition of prosperity is, what I need to hear/feel/know in order to feel prosperous and asked where in my life I already feel prosperous. That was a lovely reflection as generally I have good health, I experience a lot of love in my life through my children, partner, friends and family, I live in a beautiful environment, I usually have a good balance of time to myself, I have money in the bank and access to healthy food, water and nature. None of these things came about by accident, the way I currently live began as all things do, with an intention. Then followed the work to bring these things about, which certainly involved recognizing and overcoming many fears. I’ve learned along the way that nothing is impossible, but if I lapse into pessimism and negativity based on my present or past circumstances, I run the risk of perpetuating more of the things I don’t want. I’ve learned it’s important to calm my emotions , to remember that things tend to come more easily when I’m in a positive state of being which I miss out on when I’m stuck in a negative perspective. I’ve learned that it’s better to work with the flow of events rather than against them, and sometimes that means disengaging from conflict with others or my own frustration if my ambitions aren’t playing out smoothly, and focusing on my mental and emotional state of being. When I say I’ve learned these things, it’s like learning – knowing – that certain foods are good for us and others are toxic even though they may taste oh so good at the time. It’s easy to slip back into bad habits. And that is exactly what I’d done just last week as I observed myself simmering with frustration about different aspects of my parenting role while on a trip. I had an accumulation of stress from the usual rounds of busy end of year events, intensified with a house move, so I recognised I needed a bit of self compassion and I needed to put a more positive part of my psyche in the driving seat – especially when I felt some heart flutters (I get stress related arrhythmia). All it took in this instance was some reflection and journaling to reframe my thoughts and I felt like a weight had been lifted. My hearbeat went back to its regular rhythm and I enjoyed the rest of the trip. But when I came home, instead of taking some time for self care, I kept on “doing” and of course ended up with inflammation and congestion – my body’s way of saying “slow down”. The learning is an ongoing daily process of applying what I’ve come to know when I’ve often tripped up and slipped back into bad habits. The next area of my life to expand into is my career, and when Evette asked “How do you feel when you picture prosperity?” in relation to this I could immediately feel the fear of the stress associated with my previous career. There still exists a fear of being overcome with the stress of losing myself. Yet finding me is the very thing I’ve worked towards quite deliberately over the last 9 years. I need faith to continue on my path but it goes hand-in-hand with the knowledge I’ve gained and I’m feeling ready to contribute more to the world around me. I understand my fears, my body and nervous system in particular has much experience of me pushing through doing lots of things I don’t really want to be doing, particularly in relation to past income. The work I did previously held a certain amount of me that allowed the most authentic parts to shine on occasion, but it was too often overshadowed by parts that really are not me at all. Yet I know I’m wiser now. Just as I’ve developed more solid boundaries in my personal relationships, the same is true of professional ones. There is zero need for me to expend energy trying to be anything other than exactly who I am, doing exactly what I want to do. Talking to a cousin yesterday who is at a slightly later stage of life, I realised yet again that life is too short not to do the things we love. I am passionate about rather a mixed bunch of things, from helping others (who are willing to go deep and want to help themselves) through change and transitions at all stages of life, including those who are dying, through to an avid interest in developing new systems of healthcare and education. My life experiences have led me to accumulating a lot of knowledge and interest in all those things and I feel life is too short not to just embrace it all and do everything I can do while I can. Yet, at the same time, I recognise my existing commitments as a parent and my absolute desire to continue with that valuable role in my life. The time feels absolutely right to step forward n some way, and certainly I have no intention of being held by my insecurities and self doubts. In what area of your life is it time to step forwards? Can you recognise some of the limiting beliefs that are preventing you from pursuing the things that truly matter? And are you prepared to devote some time to understanding your fears so you can overcome them? If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Here Is How to Recognise and Overcome Your True Fears, How Is Your Ability to Connect With Abundance Right Now?, Are You Getting Distracted From Who You Came to Be This Life? and Let Yourself Fly. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  I was listening to a lady recount the day she changed her relationship with money. She had gone to a seminar and watched as a guy took a wad of notes from his wallet and asked them to look at the money that was there. She felt repulsed and began to wonder if this had been a waste of her time and money, she had thought this wasn’t in the least bit spiritual, which is what she had wanted.
But the man challenged her – the whole audience – about the thoughts and feelings that had arisen in them as he had asked them to look at that wad of money he was holding. He asked them to imagine how different those thoughts and feelings would be if – instead of a pile of money – he’d brought out his 5 year old grandson and asked the audience to admire him instead of cash. He was simply and powerfully pointing to how our inner narrative can repel or attract things. This spurred on a thought within me about the thoughts, feelings and intentions I hold towards everything I’m doing/focusing on in life – or deliberately ignoring and therefore passively focusing on - in my life. Everything from sharing these musings each week about my personal growth journey, to the swims and walks I take, the parenting role I hold, the various other relationships I have with people, things like my health, money and the roles and purpose I have in life. It led to a bit of a shake up about where my time and attention are focused and the intentions I hold towards these things. I wondered that I had not really revisited my intent towards these things in quite some time, life got busy and I got distracted. I find there is never a better time than when something creeps into my awareness and wants to be seen to address it. To ignore it is to stagnate really. I also took the time to really look back at this time last year and where I stand in relation to all these things in my life today. I recalled the course I was doing at the time on psychological and neurological attachment patterns, and Briana MacWilliam’s words came to mind: “When we are in the throes of attachment hunger, we don’t prioritise compatibility of values and beliefs because they don’t feel so immediate to our existential survival, but they are of course vital to the long term success of any relationship... Once you (get clear on your own priorities and) clean up your communications, you might realise a lot of what has held important relationships together was an attachment narrative trying to relive and revise an old wound. Once you tend that wound you realise that was the purpose of the whole relationship and you can lovingly let it go.” This speaks to a huge part of the personal growth journey I’ve been on in recent years, and I felt quite gratified as I looked back on the work I was doing a year ago and seeing how far I’d come. I feel far more grounded within myself, there is far more spaciousness around my thoughts and my closest relationships are now far more compatible with aligned values, beliefs and aspirations. I thought about my intentions in that regards and vowed to continue the good work, determined to role model healthy behaviours for my kids. Taking stock also increased my gratitude for the people in my life, and my confidence that I’m now attracting more harmonious relationships, which had been a goal of mine for a long time. I've been on a huge growth journey both mentally, emotionally and spiritually since leaving the corporate world in 2014, and have continued publishing my life lessons weekly. That now amounts to rather a large body of work (of almost 500 articles) and I thought about how my personal growth has started shifting lately more from personal empowerment (which has been the theme of the vast majority of what I’ve written) to life purpose. I will probably continue with a few coaching spots I would also like to work on some think tanks around the creation of new healthcare and education systems. I enjoy working with people in every transition of life, even death is one I've been called to walk with people on these last few years in some rather beautiful experiences. I'm creating and contemplating in my imagination the possibilities for expansion, and the creative clay with which I'm presenting myself to the world – my website – will no doubt evolve to reflect the vibrational beacon of who I am and what I offer: authenticity. There is also the other intention I have been cultivating recently, which is a desire to become more relaxed in my body more of the time. Some questions I read this week from Brad Spencer, that help with this thinking are: “What brings you joy? Should you be content? When was the last time you felt completely at ease? Why? Are you able to follow your passion/s?” Again, I’ve travelled a long way on this one, especially as my relationships have become more harmonious, but I’ve yet to apply these same principles to career expansion, so I’m both excited and somewhat terrified at the prospect, but I trust that my intentions are healthy and I’ll be fine. What about you, how might your awareness of your intentions influence the way you approach your relationships, career, health, finances and personal growth moving forwards? If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Leverage the Astonishing Power of Intuition, Flow and Kindness, How to Receive and Be More Confident in Your Needs, Desires and Opinions, Explore Your Limitless Potential, Is It Time to Break Free of That Holding Pattern You’ve Been In? and Life – Will You Take the Easy Way or the Hard Way? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  My friend asked me today whether I was getting excited about my pending house move. While it’s only days away there are a lot of moving parts to making it happen and so I’m not sure I feel more than a glimmer of excitement at this point, it’s like a tiny flicker of light at the end of the tunnel.
That made me think about this time of year generally. The last couple of months have been crazy busy, house move aside, with the promise of the seasonal respite just on the horizon, it’s a familiar feeling. I don’t know if it’s because the birth of my children and my own birth all coincide with this time of year also, but the turning of the year has always felt like a potent time for me when it comes to reflection and new beginnings and creative energy. I was reflecting on how I could get from where I am now (which is this crazy busy part, full of duties and obligations of parenthood) to a place of feeling more relaxed while standing in my power, when I was reminded that creative endeavors have the power to rejuvenate. A few years ago, when I was talking to the kids’ healthcare practitioner about after-school activities, and how my kids were totally wrung out after school, she reminded me that doing things we love can give us more energy when we don’t feel obligated to do it. So when I read words that were focused on being enthusiastic about a new endeavour and “having the energy to carry it through” I thought immediately of a project I’ve been working on and have had to lay down a few times in order to carry out my other responsibilities. Then I looked back at this time last year and reflected on how far I’d come despite the start/stop nature of it, and decided things are actually going pretty well. Here is the thing, I have very little to show for my endeavours right now, but I know how much inner reflection, personal growth work and creative thinking has gone on and I feel very much more aligned and able to carry out my future vision and plans than I did this time last year. It’s like the house I’ve watched being built across from the back of where I’m living, for months there was just an empty site, then there were materials delivered to the site and still nothing happened for many more months. Presumably in the background there were plans being drawn up, finances getting aligned, legalities to navigate, workers to line up and so forth. Finally foundations were dug and laid, and slowly a frame went up. At first I thought from the frame it was going to be a single level house, but over time it became apparent that not only was it going to be a double story building, there are some other interesting expansive features that have resulted in quite an impressive build. Even now, the owners are not yet in, there is much work to be done now on the inside, those finishing touches before they get to live in it and make it their home. And so it is with many creative endeavors I find, I need to cultivate the right motivation and qualities, to tap into my creativity, passion and ambition to succeed. And if that needs to happens over months, years or decades, I now realise that is okay. At times it feels like motherhood has been a massive divergence from living my life purpose, or even in getting clear about what that was. But in truth it’s probably been more like the cracking open of the nut that needed to take seed in order to grow. Taking brave steps towards a future that lies only in my imagination – and even then is only partly apparently – feels a bit like when Bilbo Baggins remarked in The Lord of the Rings “It’s a dangerous business, going out your front door”. Sometimes I have to push myself to take those small steps towards my vision and goals, and sometimes I don’t when I could, but that is okay, slow and steady often wins the race. What about you, what are you compelled to do? What excites you most? Are you aware of how to access your own creative potential? Or willing to push yourself towards your objectives? If not, perhaps just learning those skills is the first step. Whatever it is, if you’ve been hesitating to move forwards, make the most of the seasonal reflection and downtime coming up to revisit your dreams, and take that first brave step towards a deeply meaningful and fulfilling life. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Who Are You Not to Pursue Your Dreams? You Know What’s Best for You, So Stop Giving Your Power Away, Trust That It’s Absolutely Okay to Not Know Where You’re Going, Life of Your Dreams? and Give Yourself the Gift of Presence to Relieve the Torture of Stress. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  Having reflected on a brand relaunch I attended recently, I started to think more deeply about my personal brand. In many ways my career has been about helping organisations become more aligned with the kind of brand they want to cultivate with their customers.
My own personal journey has been about living life on the outside aligned with my inner world - the internal vision, values, beliefs, talents, passions and so forth that I hold - so that the things I care most deeply about are the things I get to express authentically in the world. Now I help others do the same. For many, the word brand belongs with a marketing function, and a rebrand will typically involve some of the senior folks in an organisation, the people who have more strategic roles, and this usually happens when the organisation wants to change something about the way they are perceived in the market. The vision and values of an organisation are clearly linked in with this, as should everything else be in an organisation – from the language and visuals used to attract and recruit new employees, through to the types of questions being asked and evaluations being used to ensure the right kind of people both are attracted to and retained by the organisation over the longer term. The experience customers have with the organisation, be it a service or product they use, or person or bit of technology they interact with, or a billboard they see, should be aligned with and embodied by the direction setters’ strategic thinking about how they want the organisation to be perceived. If a company values diversity and inclusion, for example, I should see this in the people who represent the company; I should experience inclusion within the company if I work for them, or in interacting with the company as a potential associate or client. If a business wants to appear relevant to the next generation, it needs to employ people who also want to be relevant to (and are interested in) the next generation. So that those people dress, talk and act in ways that both honour their own authenticity and generation while connecting with the younger age bracket. If an organisation provides a particular service or product, then it needs to live and breathe those services and products internally. For example, if a training and development company isn’t training and developing its own people, and being led from the front by the key decision makers demonstrating their own commitment to continuous growth and learning, it all smacks of a certain lack of commitment and sincerity. In reality, most people (employees and customers alike) confuse brand with nothing more than a new “strap line”, colour palette, visuals, and fonts. Tremendous amounts of work and money go into new livery, shop fronts, uniforms, leaflets, websites and so forth but little else of substance happens. At the event I was attending, I got to hear about the new strap line and I got to see the new look, but I had expected reassurances about maintaining all the things that we loved about their work, while showcasing some of the newer and cutting edge things coming down the line. I listened to a case study about the return on investment a client got from using this company’s products and then we split into conversation groups about issues we were currently facing in the workplace which, while valid, didn’t seem to obviously connect in with the re-brand’s key focus. None of this is unusual, and nor was it uninteresting or unproductive, but I mourned the opportunity to really be captivated by the brand and excited about its future and the ways in which I might be able to leverage and promote it in my own business. That said, there’s never actually any opportunity wasted. As I listened to all the discussion at the event I was attending, it helped me really gain clarity on what I love. While I used to thrive on coming in and giving organisations a great shake down, to see what was on-brand and what wasn’t, what it actually helped me orientate towards was getting really clear on my own personal brand. Nine years ago, I set out on the deliberate journey to align my outer and inner worlds. I worked hard to identify my own passions, needs, talents, beliefs and so forth, as well as shake out all the unhelpful skeletons in my own closet; many of the unhelpful and dysfunctional ways of perceiving things and reacting. Along the way I learned new communication skills to hold and communicate my personal boundaries, I learned new ways to deal with high conflict personalities and I learned a great deal more about the human psyche and trauma, among many other useful things. I now need to relook at what I present to the world through my online presence, the way I speak about “what I do” when people ask and any other aspects needed to attract more of the people and things I really enjoy getting engaged with. While I might be able to see where other people or organisations are out of synch with what they say they stand for, I also want to make darn sure I’m in alignment and that my own personal brand shines through in that way more often than not. On any given day, I know different parts of me can be in the driving seat depending on what else is happening in my life, and old unhelpful stories come up. It’s my job to recognise those for what they are and shift to a more productive state, which is something I can now do with more and more ease. I know that I want to help others’ align their outer and inner worlds so that they are able to gain clarity, inner peace, wisdom and confidence to achieve whatever their essential or authentic self wants to achieve, I also know I have to do that from a place of groundedness and profound insight. While I genuinely love helping people discover their unique gifts, talents and contributions - and helping them uncover and move past any roadblocks to achieving their goals in all areas of their life - I can only do that if I am living the same way. Because I so highly value that perspective, being in a place of alignment is a must do for me, it’s as important as breathing. And the results for me are becoming evident in the many life changes that have occurred along the way. There are some new circumstances and people that I’ve attracted in recent years, and some old ones I had to let go of, in order to be more “me”. What about you, are your outer and inner worlds on the same page? Is your personal brand one that actually exudes the real essence of who you are rather than some other version of you that you shaped yourself into in order to be accepted long ago? Do you truly attract “your” kind of people into your life, or are you always stuck in a dynamic of having to prove yourself to key figures? If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Who is in the Driving Seat – My Ego or My True Self?, Trust That It’s Absolutely Okay to Not Know Where You’re Going, Ways to Reach for Growth Rather Than Reacting With Old Conditioned Constriction, Put Mature Parts of You in the Driving Seat for Better Results and Are the Most Loving, Courageous and Compassionate Parts of You in the Driving Seat? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  If I see, read or hear a phrase that really puts words to something I already feel or have experienced – whether or not it’s contained within a book, movie, someone’s belief, forecast or something I don’t otherwise resonate with - I capture it and weave it into the tapestry of “me”. It gives me greater clarity on who I am and my journey in this life.
It can be as simple as picking up a random book and reading a random sentence then interpreting how it may apply to any current dilemmas. As I’m on the move at the moment visiting family and friends, I haven’t had a lot of time or space for reading, reflection and contemplation. But even just scrolling through and keeping my email inbox tidy, a few things have popped out at me. It was fun scanning through some astrological and tarot reading promotional emails. In my experience some people throw out the baby with the bathwater when it comes to anything prophetic. Whereas I take what resonates and ditch the rest. That is the hack, it’s my quick way to my truth. Words like “A new chapter is about to unfold”, “Life is a series of ebb and flow. As one chapter ends another begins” and “You’re at a pivotal moment in your life where you have an opportunity to unveil the deeper meaning to everything you’ve gone through thus far” really hit home. I certainly feel myself on the brink of a new creative era and endeavours, I’ve been moving through a transit period as I have revisited the country where I was born and caught up with many of the people in my life who I love and grew up with. The question that I’ve been asked time and again over the last month is “So what are you doing now/going to do next?” While I write, coach and parent, what comes next still remains elusive; I had been hoping I’d gain some clarity while on the move. To that end, I’m attuned to any words that help me find clarity and direction. Here are some questions that stood out among many of the things I’ve scanned while keeping my inbox tidy:
But there were many many other words that caught my attention in just the last few days. Here is a conglomeration that describes perfectly who I am and the journey so far: I aspire to being a better parent, spouse and, most importantly, an emotionally mature person. I seek to be kind, loving and compassionate. Family will always come first. We have been taught to give our power away to circumstances and tend to believe we only feel good when something good happens. This creates a dangerous loop as it is our emotional state that manifests our circumstances, not the other way around. My instinctive reaction is to control my emotional responses, keep my feelings under lock and key, and view things objectively. However this outward stability can mask deep pain and anxiety within. Rather than repressing emotions, which leads to poor health and depression, I am learning to let down my guard to allow myself to rely on the support of others. The goal is also to learn to share some of the responsibilities I place on my shoulders with others. Through this, and showing my vulnerabilities, I have released many negative emotional patterns and unconscious fears. Much of my focus has been on developing empathy, self love and openness to dissolve walls put up to protect myself and find greater closeness with loved ones. The main goal of maintaining peace and prosperity, which includes maintaining peace in and around people I love and care about, will always be assisting people in identifying what they are experiencing and determining how to address bad feelings. The same applies to me, this wisdom has been acquired through personal experience and empathy. I have an innate understanding of the human condition and communication, which allows me to sense the mood and body language of others simply by looking at them or chatting to them briefly. I also have an ability to change personality and style effortlessly, to blend in with social surroundings. While that may serve me well in some situations it also means I can (and have) explain(ed) everything away with inventive excuses, keeping the heavy emotions of past mistakes at bay. So I have had to learn to confront difficult and uncomfortable things head on, often shining the light of reason on them to soften the blow. But I’ve also learned to allow my own intuitive gifts to connect to my divinity. My interests are varied and I am generally a quick study. Because of this, change is very important as I hate feeling “stuck”. I want to experience every flavour life has to offer. Gifted with an impressive way with words, I am able to excel in any area of life which relies on the power of language. And it is true that I am also a natural peace maker. Justice wants us to take responsibility for what we’ve done, or for what others have done to us. While many of us would confess to avoiding responsibility, even fewer will admit to taking on blame we don’t deserve. This is certainly true when I look back and observe the patterns of anxious attachment attracting avoidant attachment and the people pleaser/rescuer attracting those with narcissistic traits. Therefore I have had to learn to tell it as it is, to myself at the very least – no filters, spins or extraneous details. They say the truth hurts but also promise “it will set you free”. I can attest that this is true, now I know and love myself far more for who I really am, and am more attracted to those who appreciate that without me having to twist myself into different shapes to fit. Probably as a result of all that, I can understand and sympathise with the pain of others and reach out to those in need. I resonate with igniting our inner light, allowing our inner wisdom to steer us in understanding meaning and applying it to our voyage of self exploration and personal development. I am told that what makes me special is the unique way I approach everything I do with imagination and originality. Because of this I am told I will succeed in any artistic endeavour, such as writing, designing, dance, illustration or any vocation that requires you to inspire others. I can only hope this is true, but as it caught my attention, I have recorded it here. Everything I’ve captured here about myself is actually taken from phrases given in those various quickfire promotional emails to me this week. I’m simply using this as an illustration to demonstrate that we do not need to be master of our own words, we only need to be master of our hearts and minds, and it’s perfectly okay to use others’ words to help us gain greater clarity and understanding of ourselves and our journey. So what about you, is there anything contained in here that resonates for you? Would it help to perhaps capture some of the words you read/see/hear that could give you clarity on questions that remain unanswered for you? Give it a try this week and let me know what captures your attention. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How to Use Your Intuition With Confidence in Business and in Life, Leverage the Astonishing Power of Intuition, Flow and Kindness, Overwhelm? Worry? Lack of Confidence? Parts Work and Its Importance to Your Growth and What to Do if You Feel Trapped By Your Circumstances. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  Image by congerdesign from Pixabay I realised this week that I treat so much I embark on as I would a career, be it my relationships, my health, parenting or something I do to make money. I want to get the best I can from everything, I want it to lead somewhere, mean something.
That doesn’t mean everything I do is on track or on topic, sometimes I have to graze my way through half of life’s options to find what is most “me” and I have taken plenty of wrong turns but it’s all good information. I had been asking Anne Macnaughtan about the difference between job and work versus career matters, as I noticed they are positioned in different houses astrologically. I think I was being intuitively led to ponder my own path as I am transitioning from one life phase to another. She said that a career path is different from what we do on a daily basis in order to earn money. The sixth house is the house of hard work and the tenth house is what a person is ultimately striving for. My main job in recent years has been that of motherhood, which I came into late on. Day to day it is often not a job I’ve relished; I can find the domesticity, schooling, expectation and behavioural management mundane and tedious. However, with a longer term objective of growing humans who truly know who they are - and respect others for their uniqueness also - I relish much of their emotional, spiritual and psychological development. That is the aspect of it that is more like a career. Entering parenthood I had anticipated more help with the aspects I see as more of a job, but now I find myself at a juncture where there is regular respite and this makes me more determined than ever to focus more of my attention on things that are meaningful and fulfilling. Prior to motherhood, a great deal of my career had been spent on doing the groundwork to a number of corporate transformation programs that had great visions of transforming customer experiences by changing the hearts and minds, skills, systems and processes within various organisations. On every occasion, within a year or two, the organisations were in a cyclical cost cutting mode and “luxuries” like transforming their customer experiences (which were arguably longer term investments, a bit like parenthood) were ditched, trading short term gain for longer term pain in my humble opinion. What I’m saying is that I’m done giving the majority of my time and energy to things that aren’t sustainable or meaningful in some way, I’m looking for more joy in the day to day work of my end goals; life is about the journey after all, not the destination. Annette Noontil – in Your Body is the Barometer of Your Soul - acknowledges a soul is happy when it keeps evolving. She encourages that we organize our time by applying our skills (whether that means sharing our knowledge through speech or actually performing a skill), but warns that if we are putting out too much without learning from it we will deplete our energy. That has been a saving grace for me through years of parenting, relationships that weren’t quite right, jobs that weren’t quite “me” and so on, I have learned much and grown from each and every experience. Now I’m ready to employ everything I’ve learned so far to embark on experiences that I can enjoy for a much higher proportion of the time. In Sir Ken Robinson and Lou Aronica’s book Finding Your Element: How To Discover Your Talents and Passions and Transform Your Life, they talk about the point where talent and passion meet being where we feel most inspired, most ‘at home’ in our self. This sounds like good advice to me, one without the other can be painful. I was doing an exercise recently that gave me a good lens through which to identify – among other aspects - my talents. The kinds of things I identified are:
As to what I’m most passionate about, when I was answering questions posed by Janet Attwood, author of The Passion Test a while back, I realised I have a real passion for authenticity. So I set about defining my top five passions as:
It is where I can apply my talents to these passions I’ll feel most “me” and get the most joy from whatever I’m striving towards in life. What about you, is it time to cherish and treat your life – or aspects of your life - as more of a career than a job? Where do your natural talents lie? And what are you truly passionate about? Identifying these could be the key to a more fulfilling life. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy What Value Are You Adding to the Currencies in Your Life?, How Living Your Passions Fully Combats Feeling Lonely, Profit, Purpose and Personal Fulfillment Can Thrive Together - A Remarkable New Organisational Construct, What is the purpose of YOUR life? And Value Your Uniqueness. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  I have spent many years of my career doing what others saw as useful in me, rather than what I wanted to do myself. The problem was I never really knew what I wanted to do, so I would just get pulled from pillar to post doing what others thought I would be good at.
Now this isn’t necessarily a bad strategy, it certainly helped me discern what I don’t want, but it only narrows the field to a point where there are still more possibilities than I could ever explore. Now with the benefit of experience and hindsight I can see that what is most important, is knowing who I am and presencing that in the world, following any intuitive nudges I get about which direction to take next. I always envied those people who knew what they wanted from early on. Right back to the days of seeing a career counselor at school, to choose which subjects to study, there were people who knew what they wanted and didn’t want. That said, there was also a standard list of careers that got presented, as if life consisted only of these limited choices. The realms of teaching, engineering, railways, banking, office work and human resources were my heritage, and – in those days – technology was in its burgeoning stages as a brand new study option in higher education for those who felt called to computer programming. None of it really inspired me, which is why I ended up with a bit of a “pick and mix” degree in science – which consisted of a range of topics from psychology (which I loved) to mathematics (which I hated and failed miserably at several times) to business studies (which I aced). To be fair I think I really only went to university because the infamous Margaret Thatcher’s government was funding higher education and it seemed easier to carry on than leave. However, after a postgraduate diploma in human resource management (or personnel management as it was called back then), I finally entered the workforce proper. Along the way I had had many part time and casual jobs to fund my social life while I studied, and most of those were face to face customer service type roles in various industries. But when I presented myself to recruitment agencies in the hope of finding something to get started, they saw my qualifications in human resources and wanted me in recruitment. Despite it having a heavy sales component, which I hated, I ended up working for three different firms in that industry before finally getting on track with something more me. That period in my life was coupled with a huge amount of self driven personal development. I read my way through so many books of the era, which were really driven by the “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t – you’re right” (Henry Ford) approach, which emphasizes how much attitude determines success or failure. It also emphasizes having a goal (and thus assuming knowing what one wants to do) – which I didn’t. I then landed a customer complaints management role and found that, while I was well equipped for the day to day practicalities from the various jobs I’d had through university, what I was really drawn to was driving change and transformation from the feedback that was received from customers. I ended up doing this on various projects on behalf of the owning group of the company I started in, and in industry bodies. Along the way it became obvious that the people component of change is where my real talents and enthusiasm lay. I was involved in a number of large transformation programs across different organisations and industries, until eventually I became disillusioned by the constant changing tides of company ownership and shareholder focus, along with school playground type antics in the management structures that most often led to any meaningful change never really getting off the ground. This came simultaneously with the intense years of birthing and parenting small children, which began the next huge phase of personal growth in my life. I realised that when up against the grain, it wasn’t enough to simply have a good attitude. Conscious awareness of thoughts, goals and such forth seemed very distant when in a place of chronic stress. What came to the fore were constantly self sabotaging patterns and so began the years of study on what causes those and how to overcome them. This has been a deep dive into psychology, consciousness, trauma, relationships and human potential at a deeper level than ever before. And as my children are getting more independent I have been asking “what now?” Really I have felt no surer in some ways than I did sitting outside the career counsellor’s office when I was thirteen years old. Of course, that is not entirely true. The journey evidenced by these weekly musings for the last eight years points to a thorough examination of life and how I show up in all my aspects. It’s compass has been pointed in the direction of revealing authentic desire versus conditioned responses. I take in information from the world around me like a sponge and use it like a game of warmer-colder where one person gives the other players directions to an object in temperature words depending on how close to the object they are. I resonate strongly with Ross Caligiuri’s words “If you feel like you don’t fit into the world you inherited it is because you were born to help create a new one”. I resonated with Briana McWilliam’s words about how much I value talking about ideas versus issues of the mundane, and I resonate with so many aspects of the main character, who is a writer, in the latest Tracey Rees novel I’m reading. Not that I see myself writing anything so Goliath as a book at this point, but to be able to explore and ponder ideas, yes, and in writing, yes, that is me certainly. And I start to wonder, do I need a name for what I want to do at this stage? Perhaps it’s only something I will see so clearly in the rear view mirror? Like my degree at university, I like doing a bit of a pick and mix in life. I like learning new things about myself, the world and the way we all interact. I like pondering ideas and applying the thoughts in new ways, to new things. I love helping people and I adore the ways in which we can evolve and transform and how nothing seems to change day to day, but look back a year or two or twenty and the whole world has tilted on its axis. I doubt a single moment has been wasted on this meandering journey of mine, each step leads to another, and sometimes there’s a sidestep, but it all adds up of that I am sure. It’s all useful and in the service of whatever I’m doing at the time. I’m at the beginning of life’s most fun and productive years, those between fifty and eighty where a lot of the years of striving are behind me. The soil has been created, planted, harvested and dug over afresh. The question is what shall grow now? I feel far more at peace now in my life not knowing where I’m going, yet surer of who I am and having the faith to trust that if I follow what feels right for me, I’m on the right path. That is the part that was missing all those years ago as I meandered, it was a journey of getting to know myself. So what about you? Do you know yourself well enough to presence those parts of you in the world that you wish to put to use, rather than be swayed by someone else’s plans for you? How comfortable are you in following the serendipities and things that feel right? Can you trust that it’s absolutely okay to not know where you’re going? If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Do You Want to Make a Heartfelt Change to Your Career?, How Do You Know When You Are the Best and Highest Version of Yourself?, Who Do You Need to Become in Order to Realise Your Dreams? and What Possibilities Can You Get Excited About Right Now in Your Life? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  I have been reading Florence Grace by author Tracey Rees, a saga set in the Victorian era. Someone who endorsed it said “the whole book feels so very wise, as if it contains half the answers to life”, I concur, it really did feel like that. I find the truths of life get reflected in many ways, and relish it when they turn up in stories.
Life can present us with all sorts of challenges, certainly my own has been full of ups and downs and yet I wouldn’t change any of it. In this story, when Florrie’s Cornish grandmother dies leaving her an orphan, she is taken in by the other side of her family she never knew and leaves the hardworking Cornish life she has grown up with to be reshaped as a lady into London society. Although only a young teenager, she and her tempestuous cousin Turlington are immediately drawn to one another. Over the years they grow ever closer as she matures but, as cousins, their grandfather forbids any relationship. And so begins a secret affair until their grandfather dies with unexpected consequences, upon which Turlingon spirals back into drink, darkness and disappearing; as has been his pattern when he hits upon life’s challenges. Florence reflects: Suddenly I remembered a sunlit morning years ago, waiting impatiently for Old Rilla to come home so I could tell her of meeting (the brothers) Sanderson and Turlington at the dance in Truro and ask her what it all meant. “When life wants you to take a step forward, she had said, when it wants you to learn something, it sends you love... Love is a strange and mystical force. It leads you down avenues you would never otherwise tread. It is always – always – about so much more than the coming together of two people. If we want a life we listen”. Well I was learning and the lessons were hard, I remembered something else she said “It is not for the faint hearted. Love is no storybook emotion. It is like the sea. It is the most beautiful thing there is but it also has the potential to destroy everything. It takes lives, changes lives, beguiles us and lures us and disappoints us. It breaks hearts. It can send you mad. To think love and marriage are the same thing is like thinking the sea and a bucket of water are the same”. As she has some space and reflects on their relationship she comes to understand how she loses herself around Turlington. Theirs was no harmonious union that would enrich them both, it was more of a compelling force that seemed to want to consume until they could do nothing but implode. Throughout the book, Florence has flashes of insight about people and their character as she meets them, much as I do. And, at times, she meets people that she instantly recognises as kindred spirits, as do I. Eventually she comes to her knowing and decides to return to her life in Cornwall, she tells Old Rilla: When I first saw Turlington again in London my soul whispered to me then, Kindred, it said. And something about that word – I was not even sure what it meant then – made me trust him. I thought my heart was safe with him. “What else did it say, was it only kindred?” asked Old Rilla. “No, it said kindred then it said broken and lonely. Oh.” Old Rilla waved her hand as if dispersing midges. “The beginning, middle and end of it, all there in those three words. How could you ever be safe with someone broken and lonely? Yet how could you ever have avoided what happened since he was kindred?” I was young, I agreed, I had no wisdom. She shook her head ”Even then, there is no wisdom can protect you from the people you were sent here to love, nor the lessons you were meant to learn. Not every love story has a happy ending. It makes it no less a love story for all that. The next time Kindred comes knocking at your door – and it will – you will have no say in the matter”. I frowned, promising myself I would never let myself believe that feeling of destiny again. In fact, if I ever felt t again, I would run as far away as possible. As time goes on Florence reconciles herself and, in her heart, wishes Turlington well from afar as she pursues a new life back in Cornwall on her own terms. In my own life I have also been drawn to relationships that felt kindred, and this led me to question my intuition. When the lessons life wanted me to learn were about my own unhelpful tendencies and patterns of behaviour (hyper attunement to others, anxious attachment, codependency etc) there was a time when I lost my trust in my own judgment, including my intuition. But as I look back, the other words that came up as first impressions of the kindred people I was drawn to, were words like “trouble”, “misunderstood”, “cool/distant”, “uncompromising” and “self centred”. I can see how all of these were ultimately helpful in my stepping forwards and learning things like self respect, self care, self love, healthy boundaries and how to self regulate. Over time I have rebuilt a better faith in my judgment and I now trust my intuition again. Yes there were times I stayed in the story longer than needs be, but I wouldn’t change any of it for the lessons I learned and the gifts I have, my children included. It did make me smile when, in the postscript of the novel (set a few years later), kindred does indeed come knocking again: A stranger comes to call “Do I not need any help?” he wonders. I do not. There is work to be done certainly, but there are three of us living here already to do it. However, the stranger is beautiful. I hesitate. I look into his eyes and see constellations there, my head swims a little. I am taken by an unaccountable longing to put my arms around him; somehow I know what it would feel to hold him. A gentle man. Warm. Kindred. I know this feeling. I know instinct is one thing, reality another. I know nothing about him – whether he is married, whether he drinks, if he has a hidden temper. I should thank him, decline and offer some food for his journey. Instead, I follow my heart. It’s the only way to live a life. “Would you like to come in?” I ask. That was a beautiful way to end the story, a valuable reminder that when life sends you love, if you want to live a life, trust it and follow your destiny. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Step in the Direction of Your Destiny, How to Live in Conscious Self Awareness in the World, Embrace Compassion Over Combat to Step Into Your True Power, Are You Willing to Take Your Sovereignty While Allowing Other People Theirs? and Looking Back to See the Clues to Your Destiny. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  Talking with a friend of mine this week, they made a comment about what a useless mess they used to be, perhaps still are. I asked “Whose voice is that that tells you that you were/are a useless mess?”
They replied “No one”. I persisted “When does it remind you of? From your youngest years did anyone ever say anything like that?” Straight away they recalled a teacher who did. She had only lasted a term at their school but said my then seven year old friend’s cutting was abysmal and their story was preposterous and could never happen. Interesting isn't it, I find the voices in our head that are less than loving are never our own, their roots are usually in that first seven years. Buying into them then was a matter of survival, yet they shape our sense of self for years My friend had never spared that teacher one thought until now, and yet she had shaped a narrative that had run unconsciously throughout their life. Reflecting my friend said “Actually she was like that with everyone, obviously a very unhappy lady. When you work out someone is like that with everyone you can step back”. While that is true of an adult brain that can rationalise, my friend at age seven could not, therein lies the rub. When we start to wire these beliefs in our heads, we are too young for rational thought, there is no stepping back, and so we begin to buy into things that aren't true about ourselves. This then attracts more "evidence" to match those beliefs. My friend had a list of bosses and partners that had echoed those words over the years. When someone tells them how useless they are, that's their current day version of the teacher. It's no truer now than it was then. But it feels like it could be true because it's so deeply embedded in there. Herein lays the very roots of psychology. It's only as we get older we might become conscious of these things, my friend can clearly see it has been a convenient way of others controlling them, yet that old voice persists at times. Which is a perfect examples of how there are at least two parts of us, often conflicting, operating simultaneously. I pointed out to my friend, who had gone on in detail to tell me why those bosses were wrong “Look at all those perfect points of evidence you can find for not being useless. Yet there is still the voice that says I'm useless which is where we began this conversation, with you thinking you were a useless mess in your early teens, throughout life and perhaps even now”. Let me give you an example of my own. I made a conscious decision back in 2016 not to rush back into any kind of work outside the home after I finished a consulting job. I knew I just needed to be home and present in mind for the kids and if I worked elsewhere it would compromise that. When I went through a separation, I again made the conscious decision to use some of the capital from the house sale to live on so I could continue to be there for the kids and then gradually, over a number of years, start taking on more work. I also knew – and still do - I just needed the space and time to be kind to myself and start to feel in control of my life. Despite all that there is a constant and persistent voice in my head that says I should be out there getting work, I need to be earning more income and so forth, that sometimes gets reflected in questions from others about my plans. Then there's that more peaceful, loving inner knowing that says "It's all good, everything is perfectly on track, be gentle and keep following your intuition, what's for you won't go by you". The words should and need are big clues that this is old patterns. There's nothing I feel inspired towards other than what I'm doing, but I have the productivity bug well wired in there. As it's a constant in my head and I keep pushing it away, I decided to tune and really listen to it. When I gave it the floor in a meditative state, I noticed the voice is very persistent. It’s worried, irrational, pacing, scared I'm going to run out of money and not be able to feed myself or the children. It even used words like "Are you a woose?" These are the voices of my early childhood. Now I know from both study and experience that voice isn't going away, it's hard wired in there, thinking it's keeping me "safe". Which is was in my childhood, I knew what needed to be done to stop the grownups getting at me. There's no overriding it, "the work" of growing is to become aware of it, befriend it, thank it for trying to keep me safe, and repurpose it. It's a process that takes time and persistence, but it can be done. There's dozens of parts of us like that we are largely unaware of except through bad feelings when we are down on ourselves. Yet it's the essence of who we show up as and what's running the show. And hence my friend had attracted boss after boss or partner that thinks they are useless, because there's a big part of them thought that might actually be true contrary to all the evidence. When I coach people, I know it's useless helping them define goals and visions for their life unless they're willing to become the person of their visions. People have to feel like they are “enough” (and not useless, for example) to pull those things off, that is the growth challenge. Unless we do the work to befriend that part of us we think isn't enough and consciously work on reframing that, we are less likely to realise our dreams. It’s so critical to me helping myself and helping others, I certainly would not take on a client who couldn't understand this concept and be accountable for working with those saboteur parts of themselves. But as a friend, that is a whole other challenge, to see the potential in people, to sometimes even be privy to the saboteur parts of them, and yet to embrace them and love them as they are. As I mentioned previously, Briana MacWilliam makes an excellent point that unrealized potential can be as much of a soul purpose as realized potential can. For someone as committed to the growth path as I am, that in itself is a growth challenge for me personally to accept in those I love. I was listening to an interview this week with author Bruce Tift about his new book Already Free: Buddhism Meets Psychotherapy on the Road to Liberation. It was an interesting and helpful reminder of the freedom that is already inherent in our existence. He says that by focusing always on the present (in which there are no problems from the more Fruitional Buddhist view) we ignore the patterns of unhelpful thoughts or behaviours that can only be revealed through taking a more Developmental view of our experience over linear time. And, to the contrary, by looking at this idea that we aren’t whole or can’t be present or free until we have dealt with all these patterns is equally unhelpful because in any one moment we have the ability to be fully present and loving and loving and whole. So in that sense, it’s for me helpful to be switching between these two perspectives in ways that enhance the experience wherever I am or whomever I am with. Because while it is true that my friend has this unhelpful narrative, it is for my friend to whether this is something they would like to work with or not. Meanwhile, my friend is still the same person I adored before we talked about this narrative, I just understand them a bit better now and it adds to the complex picture of our frailties, strengths and humanity. So where in your life have you noticed some of these unhelpful narratives? Is it time to give these parts of you the floor and really listen so you can reshape the narrative into something more helpful, or are you happy as you are? If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Do You Really Know the Different Parts of You? How to Live in Conscious Self Awareness in the World, How to Surrender to the More Loving Inner Self, Life Really Does Support Your Deepest Desires (And How to Access Its Support) and Should We Abandon Happiness as the Impossible Dream? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  Listening to Lynn Twist talk to Tammi Simon this week, she said that the more she herself suffered the more her perspective shifted from helping people to serving people. As a recovering people pleaser and fixer, I can relate to this. Her view is that helping suggests the other is weak, fixing conveys they are powerless whereas serving acknowledges they are whole.
Then I was listening to Katherine Woodward Thomas talk about a pivotal moment in her life when she was sharing her intention for a major change in her life and her friend said “I’m going to hold that intention with you and for you if you give me permission to hold you accountable for being who you need to be in order for that to happen”. Now, many years on and having achieved and surpassed that original intention, when she wants something she takes the time to envisage it in her five senses, to see how it feels, tastes, smells, sounds and looks in her body, and if it feels right she asks “How will I need to grow in order to receive this? What or who will I need to let go of? And what is my next step?” While she is a proponent of who we are becoming rather than what we are healing, preferring to focus on the future rather than the past, she fully recognises that “A critical part of what we need in order to achieve different outcomes is to look at who we are being. What beliefs do we hold? What is our world view? That is where we get stunted if we don’t know the consciousness we are speaking from”. One of the things Katherine is well known for is her book and teachings about Conscious Uncoupling. She says “Your next coupling will reflect how well you uncoupled from your last partner, how you’ve learned, expanded or grown – or not”. That can of course be applied to career roles, other roles we hold such as parents, community members as well as friends and partnerships. A few years before my last relationship ended I chose to become more aware of the patterns that had repeated again and again in my life across different areas and the consciousness I was speaking from. Katherine’s joint publication with Claire Zammit on the unhelpful patterns at play in my psyche continues to be one of the most useful resources in my work. But that also opened up a sense of grief, for who I had been, fully identified with the fake self that was created though early relational wounding, which is another way of saying many of these patterns emanate unconsciously from early childhood. A Buddist monk once told Lynn Twist that “Grieving is medicine for the attachment, when the grieving is done all that is left is love”. I think this applies to all grieving, be it someone we love who dies, a relationship that has ended, or the person we used to be. Underneath all this though there is a “me” that is absolute and unchanging. It’s not the me I identified with most of my life, but it’s the me who inwardly reflects back whether I am at peace or out of sorts. Caverly Morgan, whose practice included 8 years of training in a silent Zen monastery, challenges us to recognise who we are in the timeless sense. One of the best exercises she found to demonstrate and feel into this unchanging part of ourselves, is to get into a meditative state and then bring to mind who we were at age 5, how that felt, and then once we have a good sense of that do the same in 5 year increments. Then look for the common “me” at all those ages. I’ll confess the first time I did this I kept tapping into “anxious me”. However, Dr Laura Berman talks about “finding your home frequency” by first grounding ourselves and then thinking of a time in our life when you felt pure, unadulterated, all-is-right-with-the-world joy. Go into that scene as if it’s happening right now and you are experiencing it firsthand (not watching it happen) and notice what the sensations in your body are. If I do that exercise in the 5 year increments I get a profound sense of the timeless me. Uncovering my authentic self is an ongoing journey, sorting through many of those unhealthy patterns, figuring out what my own needs, wants and values are, learning the skills and capacities to hold boundaries and communicate those, and recognizing and handing insecurity in myself and others with compassion. And, as Katherine Woodward-Thomas says “We don’t become ourselves by ourselves. We all need support to become ourselves fully. We all need health in our relational field, people who are holding us and uplifting us and can help us to realise the higher purpose of our soul’s calling”. But that is also another lesson, recognizing that I am choosing that for myself. In the past I would often be attracted to people for their potential, and hang onto some of those golden moments of glimpsing it in relationships early on, and then get disappointed when they didn’t realise their potential. Briana MacWilliam makes an excellent point that unrealized potential can be as much of a soul purpose as realized potential can. Thus it’s been an important lesson to me to serve only those who are not only asking, but in ways that support the degree to which they are willing to become who they need to become in order to realise their desires. And that is also part of the grief process for me, letting go of my attachment to other people’s potential and loving both myself and them for who we are right now, in this very moment. Because it’s from here that I am not resisting myself, and I can embrace the journey to becoming who I need to be to realise my desires. So who is the you that is showing up right now? Do you love that you? And who is it that you need to become in order to achieve your desires in life? How will you need to grow in order to receive this? What or who will you need to let go of? And what is your next step? If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Life of Your Dreams? How Would Life Be Different if You Believed in Yourself? Be Purposeful in Your Focus - Your Glass Is Actually Still Half Full, Dreams May Be Free but They Are Also Essential to Progress and Make the Invisible Visible - Celebrate the Gold in Your Emotional Reactions. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  This week brought an end to a busy period for me over our summer, where my attention has been focused outward and I haven’t had a lot of time to think about either my present circumstances or my future hopes and dreams.
The first thing that happened was I fell into a slump, the reality of where I am versus where I want to be hitting me like a juggernaut. Sometimes it’s easier to keep busy and just not think about “what is”, but then that line of thought spiralled me into grieving for the decades of my life where I’d done just that. It's like author Edith Eger talked about in relation to the concentration camps, when she was imprisoned her focus was on survival and keeping her soul in the light. When released she became imprisoned in the darkness of her mind until she finally grieved and processed what had happened in the camp. I have a close friend that shows me frequently, inadvertently through their own situation, a reflection of the prison I'd put myself in for many years. Also, given their generous and kind nature, they unconsciously illustrate to me the ridiculousness of people like us subjugating to others who take advantage of that nature without getting our own needs met, nor receiving any reciprocation of respect or kindness. That looking glass is there in my life to – among other things I’m sure - allow me to grieve for my own poor choices that I made in the past. That, coupled with the loss of distraction, and I felt quite depressed at the landscape of my current reality. Heaviness had set in across my chest and I found myself ruminating about “what is” and “where to next”. Currently I sit in an in-between space in my life, in between shaking out the things I don’t want and attracting all the things I do want. I’m very aware as I transition into a new phase of my existence I’m journeying towards aligning my inner and outer worlds in every area of my life. More and more I embrace the saying my gran repeated many times “what’s for you won’t go by you”, more and more I have absolute trust in the flow and serendipity of life. However, it is hard to be in the flow of life when I’m spending too much time noticing that my “reality” isn’t what I’d like. It’s like one minute lying back with my lifebelt on just enjoying the trip downstream, then the next deciding it’s all down to me to get where I need to go and struggling against the current to get to the bank and exit the river and do it all on foot. To stay in the flow I have to make “now” fun, give myself something to be excited about. I was reminded by another friend of my own inner voice speaking about a year ago when I had to start negotiating the time my children would spend at their father’s house versus mine: "Use this time (without children) not to fulfil tasks and be productive but to fill your heart. If you will fill your heart it will change your vibe and the rumination will naturally drop away". I’d been drawn to an article this week about unique ways to start having fun, but when I did some of those I was still stuck in my spiral and it really just pointed me back to the things that are currently not in my life that need their own time to manifest. However, there were some great ways in there to uncover your heart’s true desires. It reminded me of the saying: “If you want to know where your heart is, look where your mind goes when it wanders”. So my friend jumped in with a little bucket list exercise, and once I’d laid out the big stuff (my vocation and intimate relationships) that need their own time to become evident and for me to be in the right heart space, it cleared the way for ideas to come up around some of the things I can do now or at least plan to do in the near future. For example, I am booked to travel and see family overseas this year and, although I will have my children with me, it also provides an opportunity to catch up with some dear friends I haven’t seen in many years. I’d like to travel there more often in future, once in seventeen years has in no way been enough so I’m excited about this second trip. That of course led to a discussion about travel and all the places in the world we would like to see, some of which I could certainly plan in the next few years. Then we got on to talking about perhaps going to some kind of retreat, or going to see one or two of my favourite teachers at a live event, something to directly nurture my spiritual side. And inevitably this opened up a much wider realm of possibilities for all sorts of things I might want to pursue right now, from a wardrobe revamp to other things I want to study and learn about. As we batted ideas back and forth, it sparked some light into my life again and I do feel more excited about the possibilities that lie in the present. Sometimes it’s just not possible to make certain dreams come true this very second. However, in order to enjoy life and to be in the right frame of mind, heart space and open to receive when things do line up, perhaps it is time to consider what possibilities there are that you can get excited about in your life right now? If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Have Fun Not Knowing What You Want to Offer the World, Meditation – the Cornerstone to Your Success, How to Withstand the Assault of Self Doubt and Go After Your Dreams and When Life Is Getting You Down – How to Lift Yourself Up. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  As I have approached this new year, I’ve received an abundance of guidance around the introspective process of contemplating and stocktaking my life. While I’ve had some deep and insightful conversations with my friends and with myself when meditating and journaling, the most helpful exercise has been in recognising what my true fears are around success.
With those exposed, it is then easier for me to address whatever is holding me back. I was reminded of this simple concept when reading There Is No Such Thing as a Fear of Success and this straightforward exercise was offered to help uncover the real issues: “Close your eyes and imagine achieving what you want. Let yourself play it out. See how that achievement changes or doesn’t change each different sector of your life and your relationship with each different person, thing and place in your life. See what your mind tells you is the reality of what will happen as a result of achieving what you want. Then answer the question: If I achieve what I want, what bad thing would it mean or what bad thing would happen?” I knew straight away that the things I want the most in my career and personal life also bring with them a fear of losing me again. As a child I felt that my needs, wants and desires were not a priority, there were always others to consider. Most often I was concerned about maintaining peace, and thus was concerned about how others would react to whatever was happening in the environment or what I was doing, I usually tread carefully and tried to manage all of that. When I really wanted something that was not a given, I knew I had to fight hard for it, I also knew I was disturbing that peace. My nervous system was therefore generally in a chronic state of anxiety and – when I really wanted something – I would go into fight mode to go after it. Day-to-day I’d be acutely aware of and actively managing the emotional environment around me, which was exhausting, and felt the only way to get my needs met was to leverage the inner energy that came with the build up of anger at those needs being ignored most of the time. This became a way of being in the world as I grew. When I first struck out on my own as an adult, it was to move in with my partner at the time. Inevitably there were compromises and – although the number of people in the household was less – there was now another person and extended family whose needs and expectations formed part of the picture. No more than in parenthood did my propensity to manage the emotional environment around me become stretched to the limit. I thought I’d have had breaks and respite from parenting, but those only occurred when I was out working in my career. It wasn’t a low responsibility type of deal, quite the opposite. Eventually I became burnt out. Other than a few periods in my life where I’ve had the opportunity to take a number of months out from the merry go round, I haven’t had my fill of me-time and certainly haven’t had enough of it on a consistent basis. I never mastered the art of having me and having others. While I have experienced all that taken to extremes in recent years, I also finally recognised the dysfunctional patterning in it all, and started to learn about healthy boundaries, about healthy ways of communicating my needs, wants and desires, and the many and various ways to regulate my nervous system and recognise when anxiety and old wiring are in the driving seat. I’m free of the obligations that came with a prolonged, unhealthy, (less than) romantic relationship, but I do still have obligations to my children, to making a livelihood and I feel an obligation not to lock myself away from commitment and connection to others. Quite the opposite, I’d like to be a living example to my kids of healthy relationships and commitments in action. Still. I have no template for having me and having that. Intellectually I trust that I’ve done the work, I’ve started to reap the benefits in many areas of my life, but I have no template of that trust within my body. The old associations between romantic relationships, career and loss of me time are still hard wired in my nervous system. There’s no way through this other than conscious, active management moment to moment, to create new, healthier, neural pathways over time. The first step to achieving this is recognising those old associations then, as Teal says in her article, “once you have that answer, the real work is about addressing that fear or that unwanted thing directly because that is the real problem, not the getting of what you do want”. I’ve started that work more actively now, firstly with this free guided meditation on calming my fears that you can download. But as you head into this new year, when you consider the deepest yearnings on your wish list, can you start by identifying what is it that is really getting in the way of your achieving those things? Once you have identified the obstacles, then your real work can begin. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Overcome the Greatest Human Fear – Be the True You, How to Fulfil Your Long Desired Yearning for Belonging , There is Nothing to Fear, Base Your Actions on Love Not Fear, Autonomy – Break Free of Money Fears and Be Fearless - Let No One Cast Shadow on Your Light. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  As I head into the new year, traditionally a time of reflection and resolutions, what I am reflecting on is not to jump into a resolution list of “shoulds”. Some things take time to percolate; there are often other pieces outside my control that need to move into place before inspired action can be taken.
On a recent trip to the South Island I caught up with a good friend that I haven’t seen in a couple of years. We originally met in the aftermath of our corporate careers, in their slow disentanglement from consulting work that appeared soul destroying. For a while it seemed like a sticky spider’s web that just could not be escaped. With much more creative and fulfilling aspirations for our lives, it did feel for a good few years that we each were a bit lost as to which direction should come next. What was so lovely about catching up was to now witness the huge leap forward that has happened in their life. From the realms of corporate strategy and marketing, that did nothing to light a fire within them, I now see my friend revelling in an amazing multi-room art space they have created in a large tin shed at the back of their house for over 40 local children to come each week and simply explore. It also regularly attracts local adults for a bit of art therapy. As we were talking I was struck by how things have a habit of falling into place at the right moments in life. After seeing them struggle for a number of years and face one challenge after another, this move had opened doors with grace and ease, everything seemed to show up at just the right time. This was a useful reminder as I play with what might come next for me. “I should get on and rebuild my career “I find myself thinking. That is the voice within me that is sort of saying “come on, this has been on your to-do list for a while and you haven’t done it yet, get a move on”. Yet, while it is on my to-do list, it’s in that category of “when I’m ready and things have lined up”. In the absence of the inspiration to act, in the wise words of Grand Pabbie in Frozen 2, “all one can do is the next right thing”. Right now I’m mainly studying, learning and exploring. This is a time to ponder, dreaming up ideas on how best to use the many strings on my burgeoning bow. There are so many opportunities to help people who are seeking it that it can be hard to know where to begin, though my intuition tells me - as always - begin within. Having been in the midst of major transitions in my own life, it is easy to see when I step back that some things are not to be rushed. It’s about following the inspiration when it takes hold, trusting that things will fall into place in their own perfect timing. “Where does that trust come from?” I was once asked. Perhaps it is innate but certainly it is supported by the benefit of hindsight. The further through life I go, the more evidence I gather for this faith in life to provide opportunities and happenstance just at the right times and in ways I could never have predicted. When I look back on how important people, pivotal opportunities and circumstances came into my life, I most often couldn’t have planned those if I had tried. Talking with another friend who, like me, can become very quickly and intensely attached to people, ideas or situations that feel right to us, we were both acknowledging the huge growth we are undergoing as we learn to allow the slower moving parts of life to move into place of their own accord. I’ve just started reading a novel at the moment with this very theme at its heart. Three women from different generations become unlikely friends in a chance meeting that helps them deal with the next stage of their lives. This is the very fabric of life it seems. My gran used to say “what’s for you won’t go by you”, and I have taken heart in this many times in my life. I am often philosophical about things that look like losses on the surface, yet turn out to be blessings in the long run. One thing is for sure, this life is ours to make of it what we will. Identifying what I yearn for is a step I can take, I can become conscious of that which has perhaps been rattling around inside me unacknowledged. It is a step within my control, though it’s often aided and prompted by just the right questions or thoughts shared from others. So what is on your mental to-do list that still needs time to percolate? Is there any inspired action you could take in that direction? And rather than continually berate yourself for not having moved in that direction, what else is there you can focus on in the meantime with ease and grace that will make you feel you are moving forwards? If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Life of Your Dreams?, Want More Energy, Clarity and Time?, Dreams May Be Free but They Are Also Essential to Progress, The Power of Time Out This Holiday Season - Reconnect With the Real You, Follow Your Heart: Everything is Possible in 2017 and Take a Small Break from Your Life to Restart from Your Authentic Core. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  I was doing a class with Yvette Rose this week about rediscovering your brilliance, it gave me a very clear ah-ha moment.
Having been asked to think about a time when I wanted to do something very much, she asked us:
The example I chose was my recently rekindled desire to work with adolescents, inspired by the movie Freedom Writers. The initial emotions I felt were excited, purposeful, motivated, curious, hopeful and confident. Then, after the fear set in, I felt inadequate and lacking in confidence, wondering “Who am I to do this?” and “What if I mess up or get too involved?” I know where these voices of doubt come from, and the ah-ha was simply that my initial positive emotions were my inner compass, the voices of fear are actually echoes of the separate voices of doubt and apathy from other people. I can also see that their doubt, and apathy, had more to do with what they believed about themselves. However, I recognise that doubts are seeded there nonetheless, and my job is to learn to have more faith in my own inner compass and intuition than those doubts. I do not want to allow others’ self doubts and fears to become my limitations. I was taking my kids through Steven Covey’s Circles of Control exercise this week, drawn out as circles within circles, with what we control at the centre:
Everything outside of the outer circle is of little or no concern to us (and that will be a matter of personal interests). This is about controlling the things I can, which includes getting to grips with the voices of self doubt, and getting myself around more people who are involved in the things I’m interested in, and hearing their stories. It may also involve pursuing further education or qualifications, doing voluntary work or gaining some other experience as a stepping stone. Having been through some big changes in their lives, it was interesting to see where the kids put certain things. My daughter, for example, felt she has little or no control over her thoughts “they are just there” she said. It made me pause, as I suspect most adults believe that too since we apparently think around 70,000 thoughts a day, 80-90% of which are a repeat of yesterday’s thoughts. Psychologists call these thought patterns, and most of us have very self defeating thought patterns. Last week when I wrote Are You Willing to Take Your Sovereignty While Allowing Other People Theirs? I was reflecting on control patterns, these are patterns of behaviour between people, and are very much linked to our repeating thought patterns. Some of my predominant self defeating thought patterns are things like: I’m not enough, I don’t have..., I’m too much, I’m alone, I’m different, I’m unworthy and so on. Where did these thought patterns come from? I can see why my daughter believes “they are just there” because it’s not by conscious choice they are there, they are the voices of fear I talked about at the start, and they have been planted there subconsciously from childhood and reinforced over the years through voices of others. While (because of the repetition) these thoughts have well worn neural pathways in our brains, the good news is our brains are in fact malleable and our thoughts can be changed. It requires belief, focus and repetition. Rather than allowing my mind to work on automatic pilot, I have to catch these unhelpful thought patterns and flush them out. To change what is an unconscious process, I have to become conscious of it and really shine a light and question it as I did when I looked at my fear around working with adolescents, which were essentially fears about my own worth and capabilities. I then have to begin to reimagine it and continually practice new ways of thinking about the issue and coach myself through the fears. I’ve done this with almost everything I’ve gone after in my life that felt too audacious or scary. And in every case I’ve had far more to offer than I imagined possible at the outset. That’s not to say that no growth was required, in fact it was likely the growth opportunities that attracted me to begin with, but I don’t regret anything I’ve ever gone after for that reason, there was always something to learn. And it’s that cycle of stretching out of my comfort zone, learning and growing that has built the resilience and confidence that allows me to teach my kids these lessons with assurity. Is it scary? Yes. Heck yes. What’s more scary is a life half lived, a life of staying small and not going after the things I want, that my inner compass is clearly saying “yes” to. What is your inner compass saying yes to? And what thought patterns might be holding you back? Who do these fears really belong to? And what can you do today to help you reimagine a different future? If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Believe In Yourself Even if You Feel No One Else Does, What Are Our Thought Patterns Really Doing for Us?, Do You Need to Heal Your Boundaries?, Shine Your Inner Light - Let No One Keep You Down, Start From Where You Are, Now Go and Be Great, and Finding Your Purpose – the Magic of Those Who Believe in You. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  A friend of mine recently asked if I am happy. I considered this question and decided to answer honestly, no.
I realised that my first thought had been to massage the truth, because I sensed this honesty was going to create discomfort in the other person. Like when someone asks “how are you?” and I generally say “fine” even if something major is happening, because it is just part of a polite exchange. To say otherwise in a passing conversation would be to stop the flow, and perhaps over share details that I’d prefer to remain private, while make the other person feel uncomfortable or obliged in some way. Unless it’s a close friend, of course, who knows the context of what’s happening in my life at the time so it doesn’t require a whole dialogue to explain. That said, to ask “are you happy?” is not part of common polite exchange, it does imply a deeper interest in that person’s wellbeing. None the less, just as most parents want their kids to be healthy and happy, wanting the same for those other people we love around us is, I find, common. So in considering the question I thought “I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time, I certainly enjoy many of aspects of my life, but would I say I’m truly happy? Nope.” I was then inevitably asked what would make me happy, would it be relationships, work, lifestyle etc? In between the question and the answer – which was “I’ve come to understand no thing will make me happy, it’s an internal shift I suspect” – I considered the lifelong pattern of pursuing things that (once obtained) I assumed would leave me fulfilled. This had not happened. Chasing the things, the places, the people, even having a family, were illusions in some respects. It’s not that I don’t value those things, I do, but when I still feel unworthy, not enough, exhausted, insecure and so forth on the inside, it’s hard to feel happy. Happiness I think is state of being in harmony with myself while also being grateful for all the things in my life, it’s an inside out job. Otherwise I observe the things I’m grateful for from a vantage point of constant inner anxiety, so it always feels off somehow. I could point to things that have happened in my life and say “they/that made me unhappy” but that is not entirely true and it’s disempowering. Life may have brought me some really stink results at times, but the reason for that is really because of the inner anxiety. Not to excuse other people’s poor behaviours, but attracting them I feel is more a symptom than a cause, based on reactions wired from childhood. The way I feel on the inside isn’t even a rational result of early childhood experiences. As babies and toddlers we don’t have the ability to rationalise why we might not be getting the attention we need to attach and attune to our self and our own needs, we just assume states of being, unconscious inner voices of shame in not being enough, or being too much and so forth. Not to vilify parents, everyone tends to do their best with what they know. I found it extremely hard – and was in a heightened state of anxiety – when my baby was crying or unsettled and I just couldn’t figure out why, or when the calls for attention had been so relentless I’d just be crying out myself for some space. Back to the childhood development though, as my rational mind developed I could argue against those voices and did. When pushed too far I’d get angry at mistreatment, I know I’m enough and I’m worthy at a deeper level and (in my case) even at an intellectual level too. I can give myself lists of rational reasons why, I can read books or listen to others who validate my worth, but it doesn’t mean I feel it. That’s the bit to work on. Anxiety has been a very general and omnipresent feeling within me for as far back as I can remember. I would never have admitted that even to myself until recent years because – to do so – makes me feel vulnerable. It did not fit with my well developed image of confidence and success, a form of stoicism. Briana MacWilliam put this beautifully in a course I’m doing, she said “Anxiety can become this pervasive blanket feeling that tends to obscure the more subtle emotions beneath it because those feel scary and confusing.” Yet, as I wrote about in Expand Your Emotional Vocabulary to Get Your Real Needs Met it’s being able to tune into and give voice to those more subtle emotions that allows me to define my boundaries, that sense of self definition. And without boundaries, there’s not much for others to relate to. Pointedly, as Briana points out, “When there isn’t much to relate to, there isn’t stimulation or challenge enough to keep someone invested in a relationship because you have – in essence – become completely unavailable to them”. Brene Brown’s latest book Atlas of the Heart speaks directly to this also. She talks about workshops she did fifteen years ago as part of shame resilience research, and the participants were asked to list all the emotions they could recognise and name as they were experiencing them. Over the course of five years they collected this data from more than seven thousand people and the average number of emotions named across surveys was just three: happy, angry and sad. As she points out “Language is the portal to meaning making, connection, healing and self awareness. When we don’t have the language to talk about what we’re experiencing, our ability to make sense of what’s happening and share it with others is severely limited.” It’s the purpose and mission of Atlas of the Heart to help name and claim a broader emotional vocabulary. Boundaries are something I became aware of and started working on a couple of years ago, but as Briana points out “there is a strong need for acceptance and for everything to go well and no one be upset when you have an anxious attachment style” because the ultimate fear is of abandonment. I said to one friend (of my inner energetic state) it’s like sitting watching the lawn waiting for a mole to pop up so I can whack it back down and keep the lawn looking nice. Doing this course with Briana is really challenging me to think about and feel into what my own needs are to a degree I haven’t before, as well as giving me the tools and language to express them. She says “Your behaviours are geared up towards trying to smooth over conflicts or threats to the emotional equilibrium of relationships and in your social environment”. Breaking these habits first requires a whole new inner view of my needs and the ability to communicate them with calm confidence. One of the things I love about the work I’m doing is that it’s so thorough. By looking at things I don’t want, I can start to define the things I do want and the ability to frame these in such a way that’s emotionally honest rather than critical of another. This of course means being vulnerable, this is a huge step change for anyone with an insecure attachment style since each fears rejection. But it comes back time and again to knowing that what I’ve been doing (which is essentially self abandoning) ultimately hasn’t worked for me and only serves up my fears in the long run anyway. How can I possibly be happy when I’m not being me? When I’m not honouring my true needs and desires, and therefore not allowing anyone else to see, far less accept and love, the real me? This then is my mission, my goal, and I suspect happiness will be the natural result of realising it while also simultaneously appreciating those things and people I have in my life. What about you, is it your true self we get to meet in the world? How much unhappiness will it take to be vulnerable enough to explore, uncover and show your real needs and desires to the rest of us? And if that means there are some people around you who can’t work with those, that’s okay, it creates space for people who are more of a match to who you really are on the inside. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy So You Found Yourself… But Are You Actually Happy?, Hating Your Way to Happiness, Embracing Impermanence to Find Your Happy Future, How Much Are You Hanging Your Happiness on Others and What Will It Take for You to Choose Happy? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.  This week I’ve been contemplating taking on work outside home for the first time in almost seven years.
When I left my corporate career I knew I’d never return to work in the way I had done until then, yet I knew I’d gained a lot of skills and experience that I would no doubt put to good use at some future point. As I often recount, at that juncture in my life I simply felt my outer and inner world were not a match, I had a gnawing frustration I was not all me, yet I had no idea who or what that looked like. When my children came along I had become more determined to live the way I wanted them to, so when I left corporate life to spend more time with them, it was also with a steely determination to tune in and figure out who I really am, what I really like and what I really want out of life. Jungian analyst and author Dr James Hollis believes asking “What does my soul want of me?” to be one of the most important questions to ask ourselves if we want to live a fulfilled life. He says “This is especially imperative for people journeying into the second half of their lives”, something he’s explored in writing for almost thirty years. I haven’t quite been writing that long, but I have written continuously over the last seven years. In fact this is the three hundred and sixty first week of publishing my life lessons as I come home to more of me and learn to nurture my true nature. It’s been a big journey, one where I’ve looked into a lot of dark corners, faced a lot of fears, brought to light and merged together parts of myself that were in conflict. All the while the question on my mind has been “What comes next? What wants to find expression through me?” I had been thinking perhaps I’d move away from the business world altogether and work more one-on-one with individuals. The field of Customer Experience represents the output of an organisation. The issues, frustrations and customer complaints reflect the amount of collective dysfunction within an organisation, which in itself is fuelled by the dysfunction within individuals, particularly in leadership teams. Patrick Lencioni sums this up well in The Five Dysfunctions of a Team (a Leadership Fable) where he spells out the five most common dysfunctions as absence of trust, fear of conflict, lack of commitment, avoidance of accountability and inattention to results. Now that I am more trauma informed, I deeply understand how much of this directly maps back to how the human psyche is shaped by early childhood experiences in each individual, unknowingly influencing the way people show up – and often limit themselves – as adults. I was no exception with my perfectionist and people pleasing tendencies, I worked long and hard to do and be it all for everyone. There was one particularly competitive, controlling and manipulative colleague who really contributed to me eventually learning a valuable lesson, summed up well by an unattributed post I saw this week: “You absolutely have to become okay with not being liked. No matter how loving or kind you are, you will never people please your way into collective acceptances. You could be a whole ray of sunshine and people will hate you because they are used to rain.” I say eventually as it took many more years in a similarly intensive personal relationship to fully awaken to the level of trauma within my psyche and body. Being good was a childhood lesson my nervous system had learned well, and – as such – I carried extremely high levels of anxiety into adult relationships and interactions. That is something I have had to consciously learn to recognise in the moment and apply learned skills around having and holding healthy boundaries in order to move away from defensive states of being. In my corporate career I worked closely with people at all levels of business. From executives at a strategic level, to those at the coal face delivering the product or service, it became very obvious to me that true success comes from people being, well, authentic. That sums up in a nutshell what Patrick Lencioni was pointing to. Left unchallenged, the school bullies are still bullies, the nerds are still nerds, the rebels are still rebels and the compliant kids just become compliant adults. From the water cooler to the board room it could often be like a school playground. There are those who strut around acting entitled and superior and those who are repressed, with everything in between. All human dysfunctions come to the fore. Because I worked to transform the customer experience through people and cultures, I could clearly see what did not work. For example, I learned that job descriptions and key performance targets – even giving them lots of training and development or new systems or processes – doesn’t change their inner landscape. So between my own personal growth that needed to happen, and the collective dysfunction that I’d seen over and over in organisations getting in the way of meaningful and lasting change, I hadn’t expected I’d want to return to that world. In terms of living a fulfilled life, to Dr James Hollis’ point, what my soul had been yearning for was me to step into my full potential. I can’t say I’m all the way there yet, that feels like a lifelong journey, but I certainly feel like I’ve a stepped into a much healthier, more evolved version of myself. I know for sure that any future work I do with people and organisations must be based around one thing – authenticity – both from me and them. Talking to a business owner this week, who has several things they need help with, brought my lens into sharp focus. As I listened to the issues and tasks at hand, I started to mentally take on what they might look and feel like, some felt great, and others not so great. “Boundaries” I thought on a personal note, “this is hugely helpful in gaining clarity around the stuff I’m great at and enjoy, the real value-adding stuff that is a win-win, versus the kinds of things I’m might be proficient at but I really do not enjoy”. I started to think in terms of my skills and experience across three categories:
I know whatever I do has to be about the first category; it’s where I can really make a difference. But there is a lot in that middle category after decades of perfectionism and people pleasing, and I can get distracted and tripped up by taking on things just because I am capable of doing them, but then |I just end up demotivated and unhappy, and it shows. Then I remembered that a few years ago I went through my Linked In profile and purged dozens of skills endorsements I had for skills I really did not want to use again professionally, like contract management. Anything structured like that gives me a headache just thinking about it. I also similarly took out bullet points of achievements that I had no desire to recreate. That was hard to do because they were hard won, but made no sense to keep unless I wanted to invite more struggles. But I did keep all the ones that make my heart sing; those that centre around understanding people and their potential, writing, speaking, personal development, leadership development, communications, strategic planning, coaching and mentoring to name a few. In my thought process this brought me to a dilemma, how to succinctly convey this breadth and depth of skillset and experience with just the right flavour of me. The me who no longer gets driven by wiring that wants to please and perfect to the exclusion of my soul, but the me who is learning to dance to my soul’s rhythm. When I have done contracting or consulting work in the past I’ve just used my name, as I have on my website. But I got invited to a Soulful CEO circle a while back, and I immediately thought “Oh that name is amazing”, I could see the benefit of having a name that gets directly to the heart of matters. The bringing together of what is often seen as a juxtaposition – the sharp edge of business with the authentic resonance of the soul – is something that excites me. Having a real passion for authenticity, creating structures in society (whether a business or part of a larger system) that thrive on and enhance people being their full authentic expressions of themselves motivates me. As for a business name, I like Authentic Edge, or something similar, but the right thing will fall into place at the right time. I’m just blown away by the possibilities of getting back into something I thought I’d never go near again, and it’s really all down to tuning into and defining more of who I am and learning the skills I need to honour that. What about you? Does your career honour who you are on the inside? Does your role reflect the biggest version of your contribution you can imagine right now? In what ways could you shift focus to attract more of what would excite and empower you and deliver more of what you have to offer to the world at large? If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How Living Your Passions Fully Combats Feeling Lonely, Simplify Your Life to Be Accepted and Loved as Your Authentic Self, Want to Make the World a Better Place? Tune In, Ask No One to Be Different So That You Can Feel Good, What Do the People in Your Life Have to Teach (Good and Bad)? and How Do I Honour What I Believe and Care Less What You Think? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. |
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