I’ll readily admit, it’s a little embarrassing to attest to some of the poor behaviours I’ve put up with from various quarters and I certainly never saw myself as a victim. My self image is one of strength, I definitely have a strong “I’ll show you” voice within, and I would say that to most people who know me
I am a strong person. The message I got growing up – and still get from society - is that showing weakness or vulnerability is unwise.

But not all parts of me were in agreement. Heck not all parts of me are in agreement, there are still plenty of times I am filled with self doubt. Being me isn’t easy. And I have to say right up front a huge thank you to my closet friends for being a safe place to lay down my inner fears these last few years, those parts of me that chorus things like “I don’t deserve this/I deserve this”, “but what if I’m wrong?”, “can I do this?”, or “who am I to even try?”.

And thank goodness for those other parts of me that say “there is no deserve, just accept it or reject it, that is my choice”, “I know this is my truth”, “of course I can do this, it wouldn’t have occurred to me otherwise” and “who am I not to try?”

I am so glad I finally tuned in and listened to myself, my inner knowing, and figured out what was going on within me. I can only describe it as discovering all the false beliefs I took on in order to fit in.

There are some overt things that come to mind, like growing up believing marriage is forever and then getting divorced...twice. Which led me to understand that I know it is far more important to me that I am with the right person for me than to stick with someone who is incompatible for the rest of my life.

But the more covert things were the tricky suckers. It was those self depreciating and self limiting beliefs that I was even in denial of, or oblivious to, or ashamed of, that I really had to become aware of in order to stop doing things like attracting incompatible partners, or colleagues.

So in conversation this week with a truly amazing young person who has been getting bullied by a group of students at school, I wondered what to say that could possibly be of any help.

As an adult there have been some gnarly and embarrassing moments in my career that have really tested me, and pushed for me to develop strong boundaries, just as I experienced many of those same kinds of moments in personal relationships. Being bullied though? No way, it just did not fit with my self image at all.

Or did it? Well, it depends on which part of my self image I was looking at. If it was the part of me that took pride in sorting out that mean boy who was picking on my brother when I was young, then no it did not fit with that. If it was the part of me that knocked on the door of the Head of the school to whistle blow on the weapons being carried by dozens of students that day in order to fight a rival school, then no it did not fit with that either.

As a kid, the only time I remember being beat down and not standing up was when I was about age five and some older girls, who were supposed to be walking me to school, told me I had to pray into this parking post we were walking past, which I thought was stupid, but I did it anyway out of fear. That and, of course, the authority figures in my life to whom I was taught to be deferential. That was survival.

Yet as an adult who had started to discern between my indoctrinated beliefs and my true knowing, I became conscious that I still saw myself as the tough person, the one who was not going to let anyone else get the better of me or anyone I felt obliged to defend.

But in truth I had certainly pivoted in my early twenties and began to doubt myself when I was rejected by someone I’d been deeply in love with. That was definitely a point from which I more clearly attracted people into my life who highlighted the parts if me that were not so sure about how worthy I was of anything.

So there has been a lot of water under the bridge when it comes to having confidence in who I am and how to deal with people who are essentially bullies. “But how to use that to help someone else?” I wondered, it just seemed like a lot to try and convey.

When I tried to distil down what I’ve learned about how to navigate my way with bullies, here is what it looks like:

• Don’t get drawn in but stand my ground. “Be a grey stone” I was once advised, which is to say, don’t give away anything emotional. Stand straight, shoulders back, hips squared and look them in the eye before turning back to what I was doing before interrupted.
• Circle back when the emotional charge has died down (which may be a day or two later) and speak to my boundaries, recognising that the other/s might have a different viewpoint, but never-the-less stating how I see things and what I will/won’t accept. There have been times I have had to use others, even a lawyer, to do this, it depends on the severity of the situation.

However, that is what things look like on the surface after having done inner work to reclaim my self esteem and self confidence and learning good boundary skills. Underneath there is still an initial feeling of shock that this person/these people can accuse me of something I am not or did not do – knowing that they know this.

As someone brought up to value honesty - and passionate about self-honesty and authenticity - it has been a rude awakening that not everyone else is. It’s startling to realise the crazy, nasty behaviours I saw played out in TV dramas, comic books or in movies, sadly really exist in the world I live in.

And doing the work to reclaim my self esteem and confidence wasn’t an overnight thing, so for someone who is facing a bully who hasn’t done their inner work and may be completely identified with parts of themselves they don’t see as strong or brave, just looking the bully in the eye and asserting their body language in the moment is huge in itself.

I know when my body is in flight, fight, freeze or fold, projecting something that looks like assertiveness rather than passive or aggressive behaviour is a monumental challenge. However, it’s one to overcome. It’s a hard thing, but as Glennon Doyle says “we can do hard things”.

Truly.

And that is what led me to ask of this young person how confident they are that:

• This will pass, there will come a point when this episode in their life is in the rear view mirror

• They can do this, they have it within them to face this hard thing

That is the part that is lacking right now of course, the confidence, because they haven’t yet had to overcome something like this challenge. But they can and they will.

Because when I think about the life of a human, and I think of all these amazing early milestones humans make, like learning an extremely complex system of language, or learning how to walk, or swim, none of us just gave up because it was too hard.

I watch my daughters at times really struggle with the fortitude required to conquer things that don’t come naturally to them, one in particular thinks she should be able to master things on a first attempt.

That just isn’t real life, and neither is it very satisfying.

Hard is what sits at the edges of my comfort zone. Some things in life I’ve made harder for myself than needs be, but I’ve worked through it none the less. And everything hard is eventually in the rear view mirror. There is a saying when bringing up children that “the days and long but the years are short”, I think the same applies to adversity.

When in the mist of adversity it feels endless, gruelling. I realised this week that I shall never forget the milestones in relation to the restrictions imposed in the last couple of years, and oppression surrounding those, as they have absolutely run in parallel to the same felt within my personal life.

In fact, the New Zealand vaccine pass system was introduced right around the same time I was doing my utmost to extract myself from a very toxic situation. Then last week, as the government finally announced that they were scrapping the system, that very same day I finally got an agreement in principle that will bring an end to the noxious personal circumstances I’ve been living in.

When things get bad I look to history and I see the ebb and flow of human atrocities and I know that everything passes. I also know I can deal with hard things. Why? Because whether I’ve screamed at the top of my lungs or in silence “I can’t do this anymore” I have. And I’m still here. And each time I face an adversity I know there are many more who are in worse situations and they too have survived.

More than that, way more than that, those who have used those circumstances to fuel their growth, and to shine their inner light, those are the people who have given me the courage to take the next step and do the next right thing.

So this is my message to those who are facing challenges they think they can’t overcome. You can and will. Let no one keep you down, you can do this, let your inner light shine and it will not only make your own life a little lighter and brighter, it will give courage to others around you too.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy What Is Holding You Back? Reclaim Your Worth, Your Love, Your Power, The People Who Hurt Us Are Vehicles for Our Growth, Clear the Fog of Trauma to See the Magnificence of Your Being, Be Compassionate and Curious to Live Your Best Life and How Do I Honour What I Believe and Care Less What You Think? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I know what it is to be with someone who values me, and know what it is to be with someone who values only what I can do for them, and I know the difference; the heartbreaking, devastating difference.

“You were the only one who couldn’t see he didn’t value you hon” my friend said. “You are wrong” I told her “My heart broke every day”.

Being with someone so locked in their own pain, unaware even of their wound, projecting the pain back on me – always – is an absolute mind bender. I was brought up to be honest and to value honesty, and when someone blatantly lies, projects back their own poor behaviour directly at me and leaves me in no doubt as to their disdain it is shocking.

It is so shocking because it is said with such conviction that I begin to doubt myself. So many instances and in so many ways, all the while busy, so busy and distracted by life, too busy to have the space to step back and take proper note of it all and see what was actually happening – until I did.

So long as I was for him and not against him, so long as I fed his need to feel important then all was well in our world. I was his emotional regulation.

But don’t dare to crtitise, don’t dare to ask a simple, reasonable request. For anything that required any more was met with nothing less than non committal, often deflecting responses. That was at best. At worst it would be like standing in the direct line of staccato machine gun fire while all the oxygen was sucked from the room.

Though now and again, after a long time usually, an occasional request might be met, intermittent reward psychologists call it. It keeps the nervous system on alert the whole time, nerves become frayed and the rewards so few and far between it creates more desire than regular rewards ever can. It is cruel and dispassionate, a power play designed to keep its perpetrator feeling in control.

It is manipulation, not necessarily conscious, though the perpetrator is not unaware how appropriate their behaviour is, they just feel entitled to that which they take. What is wanted is positive attention and, like the toddler they once were, now dressed in an adult body and clothing, they rage and tantrum if their needs are not met and everything is your fault. Negative attention is better than no attention.

Really, I only asked him to clear up the cushions he’d scattered, or pack his own suitcase the next time we went away. That was the one that ended it, the “final straw”.

“He didn’t pack his own things?” my friend asked in awe. “I’ll tell you how that began, long ago” I responded. “When we met I wasn’t working and the first few times we went away, I would have packed while he was at work, just to be nice. He would have been grateful, and it would at first have been one of those things that was simply nice to do for someone.”

Then, it became not only an expectation but an entitlement. Proving how good I am, proving my value, as heartbreaking as it was, it was familiar. These were the fruits of my own wounds, and those had been there long before we met.

Yet on the inside a part of me knew, always knew, my worth. “You were born worthy” I hear Sarah Blondin’s voice. I know. Yet, child me did not get that memo. I understood I had to be good “or else”, to do as I was told. Oh I raged and protested at times like children do, but relatively little in comparison to what I felt on the inside.

I know. My children rage, I let them. I let them express all those big feelings in a world that wants to suppress their experiences and their feelings. They had lots of rage at times and when they were younger, they had the most awful meltdowns.

After being cooped up once in the car driving fast along a highway, back from a holiday, my daughter lost all control when she discovered the cake she hadn’t finished on our last stop was safely locked away in the back of the car, unable to be reached. Having no capacity for rational thought, and with me driving and unable to solidly be there for her, she was unable to regulate her emotions and threw her bottle of milk square between the seats in frustration; it hit the windscreen.

After a few miles I was able to pull off the highway and stop. Then I was able to go take my daughter in my arms and just hold her until she calmed.

My visiting parents, who had also been held hostage in the car during all this, were shocked. It was plain to my mum that this wasn’t a one off, my calm and steady approach told her this had happened before. She worried – genuinely I think – that if I didn’t take this in hand then I would soon have a grown teenager on my hands raging at me. My dad asked how I could stomach it.

As I’ve often quoted, in the words of Dr Gabor Maté “It is often not our children’s behaviour, but our inability to tolerate their negative responses that creates difficulties. The only thing the parent needs to gain control over is our own anxiety and lack of self control.”

My parents were anxious, little wonder, it was not a comfortable experience, and keen for me to discipline my child so that she would behave. That is what they had been taught, and that is what they taught me.

But I knew that “behaving” meant suppressing feelings. It meant that at the very time my child had gone into flight or fight mode – which is, in essence, our body signalling that it feels under threat – I would further threaten them. Me. Who is the one person in their whole world whose job it is to make them feel safe.

No. Let me correct that. My children have two parents, but I was the one in this case who had the day to day responsibility for my children, I was the one with whom they had and have a strong attachment bond.

So when I would feel my anxiety well up in response to some of my kids behaviours in those early years, just as Dr Gabor Maté had observed, I had to learn to calm my own nervous system first. It took a huge amount of emotional energy and focus.

And there I was, unsupported, dealing with children and with other adults who never learned healthy emotional regulation. Too many stuff it all down, others blow up and project it out.

To my friends, to others I worked with and who knew me in different arenas I was and am a strong, capable woman. I always knew this. Always. Even when I lived with someone who could not see my value nor would ever acknowledge it.

Even when faced with burn out from the conflicting demands of my career and very young children, or the regular awful meltdowns that carried on into those early school years having young kids with (at that time undiagnosed) dyslexic tendencies who struggled so much in the school system that they came home wiped and seeking emotional balance, or the hands on support to help their dad get set up and run his own business, or then the cruel depleting death of my mum.

I was the rock for everyone, and managed to manifest some rocks of my own, with kidney stones entering the landscape of my health.

And faced with all of this, amid entitlement and derision, I continued with a steely determination to figure out who I am beneath the suppressed emotions and dysfunctional beliefs. I rediscovered my inner knowing. I took the time while the children were at school to explore my passions:

• Becoming me, exploring the knowing versus the beliefs. Encouraging and coaching my kids to be an authentic expression of themselves and helping others (who want help) do the same
• Exploring the interconnectedness of everything and the clues that gives us in our lives about fulfilling our potential while simultaneously living symbiotically with everyone and everything
• Leveraging the power of intentionality, wonder and faith
• I love psychology, neuroscience, sociology, anthropology and other social and behavioural sciences. But I also love philosophy, the wisdom traditions, epigenetics, quantum physics, the science of consciousness and where these things converge with sacred science. In short I like to make sense of the natural world and also enjoy all the therapies rooted in observations of the natural world and wisdom passed down through the ages.
• Reading, writing, beach walks, walks in nature, time with friends

Small drops, tiny scoops, step by step. I’d study free content, read books, I was resourceful as I eked out time between my child care and domestic responsibilities. Never encouraged, always disparaged.

But my inner knowing grew. And, when at last he led me to therapy “to fix me”, I then became more aware of the dynamics not just within me but between us. I then started to track the lies, the hypocrisy, the spite and controlling behaviours. I began to stand on solid ground again rather than feeling caught in a flush system swirling around and around.

Yes I know what it is to be with someone who values me, and know what it is to be with someone who values only what I can do for them, and I know the difference; the heartbreaking, devastating difference.

There are so many chapters to this story, so many aspects to speak to, so much I could share and relate. But for now, the thing I have learned is that my heart did not break, it can hurt but it never can nor will break. My heart is full of love and, at worst, someone else trying to exert their will over me can obscure me from feeling that if I am unwise and look outside of myself for validation and love.

What a huge gift that is in a way. When kept from something, the will to find it and reclaim it grows stronger. The more it is denied, the stronger the desire becomes. We have seen this in many ways across society in the last two years.

So what are you being held back from and what can you do to reclaim your worth, your love, your power and the full potential of your life?

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy The People Who Hurt Us Are Vehicles for Our Growth, Clear the Fog of Trauma to See the Magnificence of Your Being, Be Compassionate and Curious to Live Your Best Life, What I Love About Being With Narcissistic People and How Do I Honour What I Believe and Care Less What You Think? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

“Just because it’s common doesn’t make it right” I said. I was talking to a lawyer about a response she was composing for a client. Her client had been acting in accordance with initial good faith agreements between the parties involved while, instead of just saying they had changed their mind, the other party had been denying there had ever been any agreements.

Not only that, but rather than addressing anything directly, the other party had started accusing her client of excessive expenditures never made, threatening to cut off finances and being verbally abusive on a number of occasions, with many examples of petty, spiteful and dishonest behaviours.

Her client had wanted to address these directly along with the evidence that had been carefully documented through emails, texts, social media trails, recorded conversations and others who could confirm what had actually taken place.

The lawyer seemed reluctant, she said “We are trying to reach agreement; I like to keep emotions out of it, stick to the facts and just focus on the deal. Going down that road will just piss off the other party”.

While I could see the sense in that, I said “But isn’t that precisely what the other party is doing? Meanwhile they are not being confronted with the evidence of their lies and are actually dictating the narrative while not even coming close to a fair deal”. She responded “It’s just tactics, I see it all the time, and it washes over me mostly”.

“Yes,” I said “But just because it happens all the time does not make it right”.

This reminded me of an interview I heard last year with a national politician I used to work with. In retaliation for whistle blowing he found himself personally attacked through revelations of his private life. He commented on how affairs were rife in Parliament and said “While I’m not saying it was right, it was all part of the game, it was the accepted norm”.

I used to see this often in corporate cultures too where behaviours that would not be misplaced in a school playground would often come to the fore wrapped in a professional gloss.

It puts me in mind of a talk I once attended with author John Parsons, whose most popular book is about keeping children safe online. He points to this tendency for us to look at online games as being a separate reality that exists outside of ours where it’s okay to kill people because “it’s not real”. Yet the themes and narratives of the games are played by real people, through real interactions.  

Just as they are in the legal system, or the political system, or any other system I could care to mention.

It’s as if we live in a society where the fundamental traits that create cooperation, cohesion, compassion and a more joyful and peaceful existence, are just swept aside in a bid for power and control. What happens in the legal arena, the political arena, the corporate arena and the online world, are just examples of sub sections of our culture that are somehow seen as less real and just a game making quite deplorable behaviours somehow okay.

As I had been contemplating all this I opened up my Insight Timer app to listen to a Sarah Blondin meditation and the quote “What you allow is what will continue” popped up on my screen.

There are many people who help those at the receiving end of toxic behaviours, but who is holding those responsible for them accountable? Archbishop Desmond Tutu once said, “There comes a point when we need to stop just pulling people out the river. We need to go upstream and find out why they are falling in”.

When author, philanthropist and activist Glennon Doyle started looking upstream, she learned that where there is great suffering, there is often great profit. Now when she encounters someone struggling to stay afloat she knows not only to ask “How can I help you right now” but, once they are safe, to also ask “What institution or person is benefitting from your suffering?” which is how she became an activist.

At what point do we stand up and say, actually, our legal system isn’t working, our political system isn’t working, our corporate cultures don’t work, these online gaming systems don’t work, nothing big and institutional works, it’s simply breeding grounds for the power hungry and the worst of human behaviours get perpetuated.

Another interesting point Glennon  makes, when asked about why she refers to god as a she, and whether she believes god is female, she says “I don’t. I think it’s ridiculous to think of god as anything that could be gendered, but as long as women continue to be undervalued and abused and controlled here on Earth I’ll keep using it.”

She makes a point worthy of exploration. It does seem that these covert power plays, that are rife in our society, do play nicely into suppressing females in many ways – though not exclusively by any means.

I can certainly attest that, as someone who was very independent (financially and otherwise), it was extremely hard for me to forego that in order to look after my children. When I met their father he had talked about being a stay-at-home dad initially, but isn’t something that appealed so much when up close and personal with the tasks of daily child rearing and domesticity.

I too had wanted to give our children that gift of my attention they needed but, as the main breadwinner at the time, it wasn’t feasible. Nonetheless with a baby and toddler at home wanting my attention all night long after being farmed out all day – albeit to a beautiful and loving soul who looked after them well – I was soon in the burn out zone and knew something had to give.

Moving to another part of the country where house prices were more affordable meant being able to be with the kids in the ways that they needed.  However it also meant moving away from the opportunity for me to earn income in the way I had previously.

The last 15 years of my paid career were spent in senior management roles working for large organisations advising on and leading strategic people changes to enable transformation to their customer experience. These roles are few and far between in New Zealand as a whole, but generally not available where I now live.

In the meantime I helped the children’s father establish and run his business, which is now thriving. My personal intention in returning to work, when the children were old enough, was to use some of my previous skills and experience to work more directly with individuals.  

With a special interest in the field of trauma and how it impacts on human potential, I have been on a very personal journey of study and self growth and have amassed a large body of published work in the years since I left my corporate career. Training in clinical hypnotherapy was how I had planned to re-enter the workforce and make a living.

But with the urgency of a separation, and the introduction of restrictions in the educational sector as well as mandates in the healthcare sector, I instead decided to combine all my previous experience to provide business coaching, contracting and consulting to businesses.

What that means though, is that - in addition to the initial period of financial uncertainly while establishing a business and hours obviously restricted within school hours and term time - being full-time carer of our children put me at a financial disadvantage both during the relationship and post separation.

Given that it will likely take at least 12-18 months to establish a stable income history to enable a home loan to be secured, house price rises and loan restrictions could make this an impossible goal. In the meantime, my share of the equity from the sale of our family home will diminish as it will be needed in order to pay for living costs. This is a common scenario facing women everywhere.

Then when you add to that some of these common underhand tactics being played out between parties in the legal system, it’s not hard to see where Glennon Doyle’s conclusions have come from.

I for one intend to ensure that I fully express what life is like from within these sorts of unjust scenarios, and what I have and can learn from them, in the hope that by sharing it brings into the light what lives in our shadows and plays over time and time again. Only through examining the toxicity that we allow and learning new ways of approaching things, will we start to foster the kind of cooperation, cohesion, compassion and a more joyful and peaceful existence that we all deserve.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How to Find the Courage to Let Us Hear Your Heart’s Voice, Kneel at the Doorway of Your Heart to Usher the Dawn of a New Era, You See What Happens When You Learn to Speak Your Truth, Let Us Hear Your Unique Perspective – But Be Kind and Be Wise, How to Stand in Your Truth and Be Heard Without a Fight and Be an Evolutionary (Rather Than a Revolutionary). To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

This week I listened to a meditation on Attracting Your Soul Mate. I’ve had access to this for quite some time and have never felt compelled to listen to it before. As I heard the words “the person who is the best, highest, most compatible and committed person for you” I became acutely aware of something often referred to as my point of attraction.

The law of attraction became more widely known back in 2006 after Rhonda Byrne released The Secret, but it was very much associated with manifesting material things. However, as it’s based on a universal principle, it’s something I’ve inevitably become more acquainted with over the years of personal growth and development. One thing I know for sure is that in order for me to experience something I want, I have to be an energetic match to it.

For instance, just to demonstrate the point, if I wanted to build an amazing career as a popstar then I’d really have to believe that was possible in order for it to actually eventuate. In my case, while I might have occasionally dreamt of the glamorous life of a popstar when I was younger, all parts of me were not at all in alignment with this.

I didn’t believe I had a good voice, nor did I believe I had what it would take to be that one-in-a-million who makes it to the big time, and nor did I really believe in my heart that kind of life would be as glamorous as it’s sometimes portrayed. In fact I thought it would be hideous to be under such public scrutiny all the time.

So that right there is some pretty big resistance to this fleeting dream, and at the very heart of why I’ll never wake up one day to find I’m a top selling artist singing on stages around the world. However, would I like to attract a career that reflects the best and highest version of me? Heck yes!

And yet… I hesitate, because what I’ve discovered is this universe has some very backhanded and uncomfortable ways of delivering my desires. If I dream instead about teaching and leading and speaking on stages, for example, and my point of attraction isn’t a match, but I truly truly desire it, well then I’m going to get an opportunity to become a match. It just may not be a very comfortable opportunity.

It did strike me earlier in the week when reading what Teal Swan had to say about comfort zones and taking risks, life is rather like a bowling alley. Instead of seeing wanted and unwanted as a polarity, I saw them more as two sides of a bowling lane. There is a comfort zone in the middle, but the ball can go off to (either) side at any time. In life, both are a call to growth and expansion, whether it’s inspiring and exciting or it’s scary and awful very much depends on how much of a match I am to where I want to go.

My last relationship was a startling example of just how mismatched I was to my strong desire to be myself. In my head I pictured that as being with a person with whom I would feel at one with myself. I was not a match to a kind and inspiring relationship because I was not kind nor inspiring towards myself.

In fact I had a whole heap of self doubts, low self esteem, and a number of dysfunctional beliefs and enmeshment trauma standing between me and the dream in my head. In short, I had no clear view of who I truly was in order to be at one with that. And I ignored the many signs that pointed to this not being a relationship in which I could find my way to feeling at one with myself in a kind and inspiring way.

Due to my lack of awareness and unwillingness to listen to my inner voice (which ignored many warning signs), summed as being fear driven (fear of missing the opportunity to start a family) rather than love driven, the bowling ball had fallen on the side of the alley that meant I was in for a bumpy ride. But to give the universe its credit, it delivered the perfect match to all my desires in terms of the growth and expansion that needed to occur.

Growing up I thought of relationships as a search to find a part of me that was missing, the yin to my yang. In fact, I had my wedding ring engraved with the yin and yang sign all around it to symbolize just that.

What I didn’t realise then, was that I am a whole person, yin and yang. I didn’t know that I had fragmented myself into many parts as I was growing up and – in an attempt to gather all the parts of me back together that I had denied, disowned or suppressed – I was attracting do-overs of all my earlier challenges in a subconscious attempt to get a different outcome.

The parts of me that saw the light of day were those that have been encouraged, loved, applauded even, the rest were kept in the shadows where even I wouldn’t look too closely. And I’m talking about simple things like productivity; human productivity is valued more highly than humans being, contemplating, and observing and so on. Yet I am someone who flourishes when I have lots of time to just be.

All parts of my identity have been shaped by both my outer and inner world. I am acutely aware that I have been steeping in a patriarchal, misogynistic, racist, sex-biased (and many more prejudices, to which we appear to have now added vaccine status) societal soup.

I am aware of how these many prejudices and dysfunctional ways of relating inadvertently (certainly from my parents’ point of view) led to my many unhelpful beliefs about myself about whether I was a worthy human, whether I was enough, or crazy or different and so on. And, what I had to be to be loveable.

It’s been a long journey back to me. But as I was listening to this idea of attracting a person with whom I feel the deepest sense of belonging, companionship, wholeness, love and joy, the person who is the best and highest and most compatible and committed person for me, this no longer seems out of reach or unrealistic.

It no longer feels like I’m a half of a whole seeking to complete myself through another. I feel more that I’m a person who is whole, who has shone the lights on my shadows and reintegrated parts of myself I’d long since rejected. I know the journey is not over, but I no longer feel at war with myself, I feel more largely at peace.

And so I feel excited at what I might now attract into my life as this feeling of peaceful incubation wants to merge with another part of me that feels more like the nature of the sun, a large frission of energy that is ever expanding.

It’s like there’s been a shift from “a half plus a half equals a whole” to “a whole plus a whole equals more than the sum of its parts” That would apply as much to a mate, as to a friendship, or a working situation or anything I engage in.

Does that mean I’m the best and highest version of myself? Unlikely, for while there is breath still in me I imagine I will keep growing and expanding. But I do feel whole, I do feel authentic, I do have the skills now to hold healthy boundaries, and the skills to notice when there are incompatibilities and how to address those.

I’m no longer scared of what I might attract into my life, I’m excited to see what comes next. I also know that, regardless which side of the bowling alley the ball falls, whether my experiences were planned or unplanned, I have the strength and courage to grow through and become more.

What about you, how confident do you feel about whether you are attracting the best relationships, friendships, career, life that match the highest version of yourself?

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How to Attract the Blissful Relationships You Actually Deserve, A Triumph of Authenticity - Can You Embrace the Totality of Your Being?, Simplify Your Life to Be Accepted and Loved as Your Authentic Self, Does Your Heart Long to Be Accepted for Being Just You? and How Do I Honour What I Believe and Care Less What You Think? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog