I am alone on Christmas Day for the first time in my life, but I will say that I am not lonely.

Instead, I feel a strange sense of spending time with someone that I have felt awkward with for too long – me. It used to be that I could barely stand to spend any time with me; it was a concept so foreign that I would even say I was afraid to be alone.

Today as I sat on the beach by myself, I no longer feel that fear. A memory sprang up of sitting alone in a park in Sweden after a break up long ago. It was a beautiful summer’s day, and the park was busy with families and couples and people connecting. I sat in the grass among them feeling conspicuous, anxious, thinking “I could do this; I can be on my own”.

And for a while, a short while, I was. I had some time to connect in with myself, but I gave it up without having found any of the real answers I was looking for. There were possibilities laid at my door: join Al Gore’s ranks in Aussie, creating awareness about climate change; head to an African country to volunteer my services with an organisation I knew of through a leadership development programme I had worked with; or forego those and satisfy the internal clock that was ticking oh so loudly.

Making a conscious decision, I chose the opportunity to start a family. Not that it was easy, I had to earn an income and I had turned away from those other possibilities not yet knowing this me I had only just become aware of. At the time it was with a heavy heart that I turned back back to what had been tried and tested for me in a career sense.

And the starting a family part took a further three years, and two more miscarriages. But finally I satisfied that internal clock that had, in some ways, distracted me further from who I am. Because being codependent in my relationship style, knowing nothing else, I turned my back on that me I had a brief dalliance with.

I regret nothing though, it has been my honour to birth and raise such beautiful people into the world, and I enjoy seeing who they are becoming. And their birth was also my rebirth in many ways.

My closest friends called me a doormat in reference to what became in those years afterward. While that was rather jarring to hear, at one time I would have raged with indignation at such a statement, I am grateful to have such honest friends. “How did a strong, independent woman like me become a doormat?” I wondered. It is a long story and not one for the telling now, but as I slowly became reacquainted with the me that I am, being a doormat was never going to be sustainable.

I listened to Jim Carrey talk about his role playing Andy Kaufman in Jim & Andy: The Great Beyond, and I was struck by his analogy between the way a pearl is formed and the way people take on a persona that is different to their inherent self.

He said that no matter what masterpiece we create to hide the parts of us we don’t feel are acceptable – in his case it was the comedic guise he took on - at some point we have to put the real us out there.
Otherwise, for him, it was an empty existence, all that fame and wealth meant nothing when hiding from himself.

I can understand that, I’ve longed to be seen and valued for so much of my life, yet I am the one who rejected parts of myself I didn’t feel were acceptable. Of course, a lot of this rejection was subconscious and part of the normal childhood adapting to fit in.

I certainly know who I had become. In the words of Lisa Romano, people who are codependent in their relationship style “feel better when rescuing, fixing and managing the poor choices of others”. And, she says “abandonment issues keep us stuck in the past, we worry, we are not true to ourselves because we are too busy trying to be what we think others need us to be and we often deny our needs for the sake of others and feel invisible in our relationships”.

To sum up the desires driving me, I wished for peace, fun, love, to feel enough and to feel seen.
But who is this me I so utterly rejected? That is who I completely lost sight of, the person my heart longed to be accepted.

As someone who loves to learn, to explore ideas, to be in my inner world and connect with others through emotional and spiritual awareness, it is bewildering to look back now and see just how much I had rejected those part of myself.

I bought into the idea that in order to be an acceptable daughter, employee, partner and mother I had to do it all or die trying. I would always do all the things I felt were expected of me and then – if there was time or (more importantly) energy - I could do the things I love.

My beliefs were also so compromised it’s ridiculous. Why should I have been afraid to explore that broader part of me that knows so much more than I ever learned from a school teacher, a doctor or a minister? Was I really so threatened by mainstream narrative and the narrow range of vision of those around me at times throughout my life?

I see now that it has often been from a very contained and restrained place of pleasing others I have looked out through eyes and into the world over the years.

I will be forever grateful for the blunt lessons that called me back from the fog. For no matter how well I kept the house, no matter how well I ran the finances, no matter how well I did in my career, no matter how well I looked after the kids and nurtured them through emotionally trying times, no matter how well I anticipated and took care of everyone’s needs, it was never enough.

There was always some criticism; the windows needed cleaning, or the way I had cooked the meal wasn’t right, or the meal itself wasn’t right, or the groceries I purchased weren’t right, or the hotel I had booked wasn’t good enough. The list was endless.

And should I take time to self care, that always attracted unwanted attention. Comments in a tone that were decidedly divisive and designed to ensure I knew that it was not acceptable for me to sit and read my book for half an hour, or go for walk along the beach in the middle of the day, or invite friends or family over or to stay for any length of time to name a few.

All of these things were absolute gifts, because they caused me to get angry and to stand up for myself, albeit carrying a great deal of grief at not feeling seen or valued for who I am. Well, now the constraints are gone. I am alone and I feel relief.

And a little awkwardness at denying and disowning the authentic parts of me, that would so fascinate me in others, for so long. As I have begun to know myself more, I say “Hello world, here I am” and it is on those terms you will meet me.

I have learned the valuable lesson that I can never be good enough to please other people all of the time. The number one person I need to respect is my self, a self that I am thoroughly enjoying getting reacquainted with and reclaiming.

Over this holiday season, are you able to take a little time to become aware of parts of yourself that you may be rejecting in order to feel accepted? In your heart, might you even want to become reacquainted with the you that you were born to be? After all, if we are not being ourselves then who is the person that is living your life other than an illusion?

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Who Are You Protecting? Why Telling Your Story Is Powerful, Normal Is Dysfunctional That Is the Growth Opportunity, Your Childhood Is Not Your Fault but It Will Be Your Limitation and Resentment, the Family Business. Are You Willing to Let It Go? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I was sitting outside the theatre recently, unable to go in and watch my child perform due to the new restrictions here. I had sent a plea to the theatre owners as – under the new restrictions – they could have chosen to waive the requirement for a My Vaccine Pass but didn’t.

A friend in the same situation said “Shall we stage a protest?” My response, she decided, was pretty zen. I had decided to wait outside peacefully as I suspect the owners are more scared of the virus than the vaccination, and I am the opposite. And I didn’t think I was going to overcome their fears by further protesting, any more than they were overcoming mine through segregation and exclusion.

Honestly that response may have come from divine inspiration because all I feel is exhausted. It’s hard sometimes to avoid getting caught up in the constant bid for my attention that many things in daily life compete for.

We then sat talking about my separation and some issues going on at school for the kids. There is a lot going on. And yet, if I constantly allow myself to get dragged down rabbit holes, I am detracting from the bigger picture and just getting stuck longer and longer in a reality that is well past its expiry date. “What do I want my future to look like?” I wondered.

As I said in Be Purposeful in Your Focus - Your Glass Is Actually Still Half Full once I start contemplating and appreciating the things that are going well in my life, I get on a roll and realise that my glass is well and truly more full than empty. From there it is easier to get into visualising the future because my heart is more open.

So it is an ongoing practice, particularly at this time: to actively find things to appreciate in the present and get into visualising the future.

Luckily the weather had been great last week and I had managed a few walks at the beach. I sat imagining what kind of house I will have once I have finally sorted out the details of how to disentangle my assets. I’d love a little cottage, shabby chic furnishings, with just enough room inside for the kids and I to have our own spaces and enough garden around it that my neighbours can’t hear me sneeze.

Also, a sustainable lifestyle really appeals to me, particularly in terms of power, water and as many food products as I can manage. I have lived in a couple of houses where water was collected from the roof when it rained, and it provided all the water needs for the household, I’ve always thought that is far more sensible than a huge infrastructure that takes the water further from its natural state.

As I was sitting there contemplating and – frankly – delighting in the idea of creating a home space that reflects who I am, I noticed a lady walking her dog along the shore. The dog was having a fantastic time bounding in and out the waves, and eventually the lady walked over to say hello and we each recognised the Scottish accent we heard from the other.

There are more Scots out of Scotland than in, that is for sure, and I tend to find those of my native tongue very friendly; as was the case on this occasion too. And, as is often the way with me, within seconds we were connecting and sharing stories about what was going on for each of us at a deep heart level at this time.

We were both lamenting that, despite the current restrictions in New Zealand, we were experiencing something quite beautiful, and something that was not often available when we each lived in Scotland – warmth and sunshine on the beach beside a sparkling blue ocean.

When my mum died four years ago she said her one regret was that she wouldn’t feel the warmth of the sun on her back again as she sat on the beach, so every time I’m able to experience that I feel a huge sense of gratitude.

All of this contributed to an overwhelming sense of wellbeing that has carried on each time I manage to get back to the beach and my daydream picks up right where it left off, creating a new home and life where I am able to be more of who I am.

My big lesson right now is to see what I don’t want as a pivot point only, not to waste any more effort than necessary on spinning my wheels in the sinking sand. Fighting against something just gives it more energy and power, and fear is certainly not something I want to perpetuate.

With such extremes playing out both in my personal life and society at large, my focus and attention can go back and forth many times in each day. But always I am aware of bringing my focus back to the wanted rather than the unwanted. My dreams. Dreams are free, but they are also essential to making progress.

It’s my hope that you will each take a little time this holiday season to step away from the things that keep you spinning your wheels and revisit and cultivate your dreams. If there was ever a time this world needed dreamers, it’s now. It is time to create the kind of future we all deserve.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Could a Broader Perspective Benefit Us All Right Now?. Reclaim the Sweet Spot of Being in Your Element, What If The Thing You Dread Is Actually Your Dreams Trying to Unfold?, When Life Is Uncertain It Feels Good to Take a Positive Step, Ask No One to Be Different So That You Can Feel Good and Empower Yourself - When a Difficult Reaction Sends You Into a Tailspin. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

As someone who has had the misfortune to be intimately involved, both personally and professionally, with a few characters who use manipulation and control tactics such as gaslighting, triangulating, lying, invalidation, minimisation, moving the goal posts (and so the list goes on), I have learned not only to develop and hold healthy boundaries – but to take notice when my gut tells me the ground on which I’m standing suddenly feels less solid beneath my feet.

I feel like that right now in relation to the environment here in New Zealand around COVID19 restrictions and what I’m seeing happen elsewhere.

Attending a parent’s evening at the kids’ school this week, one of the important topics up for discussion was how we promote inclusion around the issue of vaccination status as some fractures are beginning to rear their ugly heads in reflection of what is going on in society at large. To put this into further context, I am talking about a class of nine-year-olds, where playground and classroom talk really should not be focused on these adult issues and themes.

I imagine this is particularly difficult for any teacher whose only basis for getting a vaccination themselves was in order to keep their job (all teachers in New Zealand were given a matter of only weeks’ notice to become fully vaccinated or leave).

In another post I saw from a professional contact of mine, who runs a customer experience consultancy business, she was recounting a story of an elderly gentleman who had entered a store that required a My Vaccine Pass. Upon advising he did not have one, the clerk frantically and loudly pointed him to the door and ushered him out.

She was making a plea to service providers to give their teams guidance on how to say “No we can’t serve you” without humiliating their fellow citizens.

I responded “I suspect these are fear driven responses and, until we are able to address the fears, it will be hard to avoid this”.

At the parent’s evening I heard parents respond with fears from two polarised perspectives. One was fearful of masks not being worn in the classroom because her father had been in intensive care being treated with COVID19, whereas another parent’s father and mother had both suffered strokes within a week of having the vaccine administered.

In New Zealand the government announced the My Vaccine Pass a matter of weeks ago and, from the third of December, many venues and facilities became inaccessible to those who cannot show this. To qualify for one you have to be fully vaccinated and have a booster (at this stage) every 6 months, though I suspect New Zealand will follow suit with other countries who now recommend a booster every 3 months as it’s becoming less effective.

The recent mandates have left many workers without jobs and many citizens unable to access services, facilities (like swimming pools and libraries), and education unless they get behind the governments drive to fully vaccinate.

Now, until recently, we in New Zealand have been relatively sheltered from COVID19 which, I suspect, has perhaps made many of our citizens even more fearful of the virus. The whole of Auckland (population 1.7 million) has been on lockdown since August when the Delta variant took hold. The Prime Minister has been promising to open it up again at 90% vaccination rates.

Vaccination is touted (and now mandated) as the key to social and personal freedoms.

Despite this, COVID19 has spread but - to put it in perspective, we are talking (as of 12 December 2021) about 6738 active cases in the whole country (population 5 million). My gut tells me the measures are way out of kilter with the actual threat. So I took a good look at some of the statistics around the world to see what’s actually been happening and gain some perspective. Was I being too glib?

I will quote the UK figures as it’s been one of the most impacted countries, and is also my country of birth where I have lots of family and friends who have shared their stories over the last year and more. Here is what I found...

Looking at the stats taken from https://www.worldometers.info/coronavirus/ total active cases in the UK right now are 1,171,000 (of 69 million population). So 1.7% of the UK population have currently tested positive for COVID19.

Now while this is a particularly tricky coronavirus, it is a coronavirus nonetheless; one of the most common causes of cold and flu symptoms worldwide for centuries. 1.7% of the population having it doesn't sound that extraordinary to me.

The total accumulated cases in the UK since the start of the pandemic is 10,771,444. This means 15.6% of the population have tested positive for COVID19 at some point.

Total deaths in the UK (attributed to COVID19) since the start of the pandemic are 146,387, which is 0.21% of the UK population.

So only 15.6% of the UK population has actually caught this virus since the start of the pandemic and 0.21% have died.

Someone I know who lives there said to me the other day "I dread to think where we would be without the vaccine, this virus is doubling every two to three days!”

I responded “Let's look at that, where would you - a healthy individual (who has barely ever had flu, never mind the common cold nor any other respiratory issues) - be?  If you were in proximity to the virus, as you probably have been on many occasions, would you even catch it? Probably not. And if you did catch it, what are the chances of dying from it? Very little, odds are you would recover”.

Then I saw a post from Esther Jacobs on LinkedIn, citing the example of a flight from South Africa to the Netherlands (where you have to show proof of a vaccine or a negative test) which demonstrates why vaccinations themselves do not stop the spread. All passengers were detained for testing on arrival in the Netherlands, 61 of them testing positive for COVID19, which means a lot of vaccinated people are carrying the virus without knowing it.

Now that I am looking more widely, I’ll share the global figures.

Total cases (of COVID19) since the start of the pandemic are 269,917,935 (3.86% of the human population) of which 5,316,825 i.e. 1.97% have died (i.e. 0.076% of the total global population).
By far and away the vast majority of people do not catch the virus and, of those who does, the vast majority recover. So why all this fear and panic? Why all the stringent measures?

Have vaccines slowed down the virus any? It is one year ago since the first Pfizer vaccine was administered to a 90-year-old grandmother in the UK. Prior to that, according to the same data source, using 4 Dec 2020 as a reference point (pre vaccine), globally 1,626,314 had died at that point, out of a total of 67,120,936 cases i.e. 2.42% (which is 0.02% of the global population).

Of course I know it’s a particularly nasty virus and not one I’d want to catch anymore than I want to catch any virus particularly. Of course it's incredibly sad that people die from this virus or suffer symptoms of long COVID19, but I wanted to gain some perspective.

It's hard to tell what impact vaccines have had. The first variant of the virus appeared in September 2020, months before vaccines started to roll out (from Dec of 2020) and it is unknown what the virus's natural path could have looked like. Certainly enough modeling was done to scare people into complying with public health measures and positioning vaccines as the silver bullet to social freedoms.

Vaccines that are entirely new technology, different from any vaccines used before, and on the market and in people's arms in record speed. The vaccines are losing effectiveness by the day as the virus mutates and people are being asked to have more shots more frequently.

I particularly like an article written by Guy Hatchard PhD who has applied in depth critical thinking on the topic and has been in correspondence with the government’s closest advisors here around the management of the virus over the last year or more, and until the last few months.

One of his key concerns is the lack of any mandatory reporting about vaccine side effects. He says “The failure to alert the public that there was a measureable and significant risk to vaccination was compounded by false government assurances that there was no risk… Public perception of safety (of the vaccines) has become so entrenched that individuals posting about their adverse reactions on social media are often mercilessly trolled”.  

As I said to my friend in the UK “The bottom line is that, while this is a particularly nasty virus, and while there is certainly some truth in what you're being fed and regurgitating, it is not the whole truth and it's most certainly not in context or unbiased”.

When I look at this reasoning about wanting to avoid an overload the health system, for example, sure there was an initial influx last year, doctors were baffled dealing with something new and it took everyone by surprise.

But where is the load being accounted for in administering millions of vaccine doses and tests? Vaccines that are becoming less effective. And where is the tracking of the load being created by vaccine side effects?

And if there's such a load on the health systems, why aren't governments investing in and promoting good healthy eating and lifestyle practices that support and boost healthy immune systems? Where is the investment in effective treatments?

Why are perfectly healthy people being penalised when unhealthy people - so long as they're vaccinated - get to walk around spreading the virus? And all of this in the context of barely a dent on the overall global population.

I don’t mean to trivialize this by any means, but if someone would have told me a couple of years ago that we would all be walking around wearing masks and segregating our society into vaccinated and unvaccinated in response to a global pandemic, with people losing their jobs and access to facilities and services for non compliance, I would have imagined a scenario where a good proportion of my friends and family had died.

But it just doesn’t bear out in the facts.

Meanwhile, what is very obvious, is pharmaceutical companies are making some good money, and creating some great repeat business. Governments have people divided and distracted, so I have to wonder if it’s worth checking what other legislation is going through at the speed of light while people are all looking elsewhere.

I have had a look on the parliamentary website for proposed legislation and submission dates. There has been an interesting array of legislation slipping through here, from our water systems to artificial intelligence, all with extremely short submission deadlines.

But now I am venturing into another territory, the possible motives behind the government and media manipulation and control tactics. This has the potential to create more fear and, since I know no further facts around it nor have any real perspective on it at the moment – and certainly no control over it – it’s not where my focus lies.
​
For now it is only clear to me that the fear mongering around this is disproportionate to the facts, as perhaps are the public measure in place and the extraordinary drive to vaccinate. It has certainly quelled any unbalanced fears in relation to “what if” I catch the virus, or what if anyone around me has it.

Regardless of where you stand on the issue of vaccination, is it worth the time to take a broader perspective right now to help alleviate any fears you many have in relation to this topical issue? And, if not this issue, what else is taking centre stage in your life that might benefit from a broader perspective?

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Be Purposeful in Your Focus - Your Glass Is Actually Still Half Full, How to Reclaim Your Freedom Instead of Feeling Trapped, When Life Is Uncertain It Feels Good to Take a Positive Step, How Do I Honour What I Believe and Care Less What You Think?  and Empower Yourself - When a Difficult Reaction Sends You Into a Tailspin. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I know it’s become a bit of a cliché, but I recognised this week just how much my attention has been focused on the things in my life that cause me pain. That causes me to feel stuck, which is simply frustrating and unhelpful.

Yet it’s not the whole picture. In New Zealand it’s the start of summer and the water is getting warmer, it really is quite beautiful. I went for a walk along the shore earlier and, as I was walking along with the waves lapping over my ankles contemplating what life has taught me this week, I thought about some of the things that had gone well for me.

Understand, probably like you, there are plenty of things in my week that drained my energy. Between navigating a long term relationship break up, and more government restrictions, I don’t think my life has ever been so challenging.

But as I walked along the shoreline appreciating the sun glinting on the water and the cobalt blue of the sky, my inner voice prompted me to dwell awhile in the things that are going just fine. When life is so challenging it makes the contrast between what is going well and what is not even stronger.

So I started to reflect back on my week, a week in which certain my attention had been diverted to one or two things that screamed loudly, and I realised in that moment with the waves lapping just how reassuring the timelessness of nature is. No matter what is going on in my life, the tide continues to come in and out, the sun continues to rise and the sand and sea continue to get warmer beneath my feet. 

And lucky me, it was the third time I had made it to the beach for a short walk, giving my nervous system a chance to find its equilibrium and my mind to let go of its worries and drift and contemplate, even if it was only for ten minutes.

I then purposefully thought back over the week. I thought about how much lighter I’d felt last weekend when my daughter’s party fell on a day that her dad was looking after her. For the first time, it wasn’t me who was wholly responsible for making her day special, it was liberating.

I’d been able to relax and enjoy catching up with some of the other parents as they came to collect their kids. In fact, because of another child’s party, I also spent a lovely late afternoon at the local park after school one day having a picnic and chatting with friends while the kids ran around playing their games. The weather had been perfect, warm and cloudy but with a gentle breeze.

Friends from far flung places checked in on me this week to see how I’m doing, letting me know they care, which was heart warming. I’d also had amazing support from other friends to help tackle the metaphorical fires that had consumed so much of my attention, which was worth its weight in gold.

Then when nipping to the shops before 3 December (when many businesses here became off limits to those without full vaccination certificates), I got great reductions on some gifts that were on my kids’ wish list; the sale happened to start that day.

I was even thrilled when, on one day that was forecast rain, it was instead warm, dry and windy at the outset and I managed to get three loads of washing out and dried before the heavens opened. And when I ordered our groceries this week, the supermarket send a surprise chiller bag full of goodies as a thank you for our custom.

Once I started contemplating the things that had gone well, and the ones I’ve shared here were only really a start, I got on a roll and realised that my glass is well and truly more full than empty. From there it was easy to get into visualising the future because my heart felt open and no longer stuck.
And that really was – and always is – the aim, particularly at this time: to stay out of fear and get into visualising the future.

So where is your focus? When you recognise where your mind is dwelling, can you purposefully switch focus to the think through the things that are going well for you to allow you to more clearly see there is a better future calling?

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Reclaim the Sweet Spot of Being in Your Element, What If The Thing You Dread Is Actually Your Dreams Trying to Unfold?, When Life Is Uncertain It Feels Good to Take a Positive Step, Ask No One to Be Different So That You Can Feel Good and Empower Yourself - When a Difficult Reaction Sends You Into a Tailspin. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.​