I’ve always believed in the inherent goodness of people and, although I learned about different personality types and behavioural styles in my early adulthood, I always assumed people were generally fair minded and want to do the right thing by others.
I knew there were exceptions of course, when I studied psychology we learned about mental illnesses and behavioural disorders and I sort of assigned any mal-intent to that minority. Many years ago when I heard someone say “People don’t do things to you, they do things for themselves” it rang true. As a result, when I’ve been hurt I have tried not to take it too personally, choosing instead to seek to understand what pain might be driving that poor behaviour, and excused too much of it as a result. In close relationships I would see a person’s true potential, believe I could help them reach it, and want to help fix the problems. The issue with that is it assumes that person can also see just how encumbered they are with unhelpful beliefs (that drive some gnarly behavioural patterns causing problems in their life), and wants to embark on a journey to reach their potential. Frankly, who needs that uninvited though? It’s like saying “you are not good enough as you are”. I’ve learned that kind of journey needs to be entirely self motivated. It’s not my business to try to help anyone who hasn’t asked for help. But, I also don’t need to put up with poor behaviours just because I might understand where they are driven from. And, believe me, I’ve put up with a lot of poor behaviours from others in my life. I clearly had my own journey to go on and my focus shifted years ago from blaming others and circumstances for any unhappiness, to looking within to my beliefs, behaviours and what I’m allowing from others. This week I have been listening to a series of experts being interviewed on the topic of toxic relationships, a term I haven’t particularly thought much about until this point. But it’s added another layer of realisation in terms of how I allow others to treat me. Therapist Briana MacWilliam explains that a toxic relationship is one where “a person discounts the other person as autonomous from themselves and treats them as poorly as they treat themselves on the inside”. She goes on to explain this can mean dismissing someone’s feelings and degrading their character – the key being that it is a pattern of behaviour not just a one-off. When she talked about different forms of relationship attachment styles, the one she described as an “anxious attachment” (or an open heart) rang true for the me I was before I started my inner work:
Many of the discussions in the conference centred on narcissistic behaviours, certainly one I’ve had the misfortune of encountering a number of times. I used to hear the term narcissist and think of it rather like a cliché, but as I have lived through various toxic relationships I’ve begun to recognise just how common this is – and how ill equipped I was to recognise and deal with narcissistic behaviours. Dr Les Carter is quick to point out narcissistic behaviours can be plotted on a spectrum. At one end of the spectrum there is healthy narcissism, a positive sense of self that is in alignment with the greater good. At the other end of the spectrum there is more destructive narcissism characterised by a consistent pattern of grandiose attitudes and behaviours. As Dr Carter mentions, it is perfectly normal for people to display thoughtless, selfish behaviour once in a while, it’s the recurring pattern of that behaviour that causes toxic relationships. If someone acts that way, say, twenty percent of the time, that’s obviously quite different from someone who acts that way eighty percent of the time. He says “Narcissists bring out the worst in us, wearing you down over time. Their desire to be in control puts you in the inferior position and you’re on the receiving end of a lot of criticism, gas lighting (denial, lies, smoke and mirrors), second guessing and –over time – a building sense of frustration, tension and confusion”. He goes on to explain “You want collaboration in a relationship, they see it as a competition to stay superior. They need to be admired; other people are their potential supply to build up their fragile egos. They whittle away at your dignity, your reasoning and mock your emotions. They want to eliminate your free will.” Now all this kind of talk sounded much too fantastical to me because it elicits a picture in my head of a person sitting in a room strategising all the ways in which they could consciously entrap me. Whereas in reality I’ve found it’s more a set of subconscious behaviours driven by deep insecurities and shame. And people with these behavioural patterns are not interested in anything but their own truth. I can see the wasted hours and energy I have spent trying to get other people (who seem bound and determined to dismiss, demean and belittle me) to try to see my perspective. When Dr Carter said “Don’t even attempt to make them think differently, there is only one opinion that matters and it isn’t yours” I realised just how true that is. Other tell-tale signs Dr Carter cited that I recognise from experience:
Then Lisa Romano talked about another common red flag, a pattern of someone getting enraged when you try to raise an issue with them in a civil manner. I have experienced this frequently; there is simply no space for considering another’s opinion, whereas in a healthy relationship there is give and take and mutual respect. I first came across Lisa last year when I read her story in The Road Back to Me and My Road Beyond the Codependent Divorce. Her story is very compelling as it charts her childhood experiences through to her adult relationships, where cause and effect can clearly be seen. Circling back to Briana MacWilliam’s definition of a toxic relationship, about treating others “as poorly as they treat themselves on the inside”, Lisa’s story demonstrates exactly how the way a person treats themselves on the inside comes about in those early childhood and adolescent years. When I read Lisa’s story, I felt grateful I hadn’t had her experiences. Yet when I reflected on my own childhood experiences, I realised that other people heard my story and thought in the same terms (grateful they hadn’t led my life). My experiences have led me to some very unhealthy entanglements as an adult. I have been in at least two so-called romantic relationships like this, and also had a toxic relationship with a work colleague which fell into this category. I am realizing that I kept making the same mistakes over and over, excusing poor behaviour towards myself and to others, trying to get them to see me, trying to get them to acknowledge my intentions and contributions, trying to get them to accept that I am entitled to an opinion that differs from theirs and trying to even just get them to care. Because I could see those people so clearly, I wanted them to see me. But now I know they were not capable (without awareness and desire to change) of seeing me as anything other than a source to feed their own fragile ego. While there has been a silver lining in my relationships with people who display these toxic characteristics, I often tried to stick with them in the hope they would see the light and change and finally give me the respect and/or love I deserved to feel (or at least respect my right to my own opinions). Meanwhile my own confidence and self esteem would get eroded and I would begin to question my own validity. The silver lining for me is the intensity to which I’ve experienced these things was what prodded me into taking my own journey to self healing. Here are the things I’ve learned I needed to do to detoxify and rebuild my sense of self worth and self esteem:
And the absolute worst thing about toxic relationships I’ve found is they are hard to recognise when in them. It’s so confusing because the other person is always deflecting blame. But it’s simple really, with that person do you mostly feel good or bad, love or fear (p.s. I would never admit to being afraid, but my body said otherwise with my nervous system on constant high alert and my tummy constantly churning)? You deserve respectful communication, to feel seen and heard, to have give/take. You can forgive one-off transgressions but not a pattern. Go detoxify, you deserve it. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Do You Need to Heal Your Boundaries?, Your Mind Will Try to Protect You By Resisting Your Healthy Boundaries, Empower Yourself - When a Difficult Reaction Sends You Into a Tailspin, Are You Overly Responsible? Actually Seeing Yourself Through Fresh Eyes, Overcome the Greatest Human Fear – Be the True You and What I Love About Being With Narcissistic People. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.
2 Comments
Claire
10/24/2021 18:39:15
Wonderfully accurate and touching as always Shona.
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Shona
10/24/2021 21:04:04
Thanks Claire!
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