“We’ll take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne.” Robert Burns

As a Scot, each New Year is traditionally met with a rousing rendition of this famous song. There is a pause before we leap into the future, and this pause is the now in which we can honour the present and past.

While it’s often a time we remember those no longer with us, it’s also a time to reflect on those challenges we have weathered, risen to and risen up from. It’s a time to look upon others with kindness, ourselves too.

I have to say this year seems to be at its end in the blink of an eye, yet it has taken me through my first full year without mum in the world. It has also brought both my children to new places in their development and they have changed and grown in so many ways.

As a family we have literally been out in the world more, having travelled together a few times. My partner’s business has matured and grown, with more of his creative efforts in the homes around the Bay.

I followed my inspiration earlier in the year to approach Tiny Buddha, a place online I love, and now my own work is published on this and other platforms. That means there are more of my insights out there in the world, having reached and helped more people.

In terms of my wellbeing, I’m experimenting more with fresh and raw foods, especially after getting my hands in the soil and taking on the garden this year. I’m also regularly back in the pool after a 30 year absence, and
I’m getting better at making conscious choices that honour my authentic self.

Even although there has been nothing monumental, unlike last year with mum’s illness and death, it’s been quite a year.

And while I look back on some of the year’s challenges and successes, I also am aware of the many people around me going through some tough times of their own at the moment.

Like a mother with her newborn baby, challenged by not being able to move for hours at a time while breastfeeding and not being able to be there for her older child in the way she would like to. This is aside of the physically demanding aspects of feeding and having to carry a baby everywhere, all underpinned with inadequate sleep.

There is a man who has finally found someone to love and who loves him, but she has been ill. Doctors think her liver may not last another two years. While she has outlived the opinions of the medical world before, it’s a lot to process and he has retreated within himself.

I know a lady who has had the courage to leave a marriage, that wasn’t honouring her needs, and is struggling to navigate the ongoing relationship necessary for their children.

There is another man whose ex partner has died; a lovely lady, taken too early from the world by cancer. His sadness and grief are deepened by regrets about the relationship they had, wishing he had been more attentive when they had been together. 

As someone who is always looking for words to uplift or inspire when people are looking for a perspective on a situation in their lives, I also know there are times when there is nothing I can say that won’t sound trite.

In these situations the people I know are just trying to live through their moments of grief, anger, frustration and guilt among the many other emotions. I know each of them will find their way through the tough times and be somehow more for it, hopefully with some kindness from others and towards themselves.

That is the word I particularly like from Auld Lang Syne, kindness. We all deserve kindness. No matter how well we feel we have done, or how poorly. No matter whether it’s towards others or ourselves – in fact, it has to start with ourselves in order for us to give it fully to others.

For example, I know I am often tougher on myself than anyone else could ever be, and spend far too much of my life worrying about the past or future rather than just being kind to myself in the present. 

Cogito, ergo sum is a Latin philosophical proposition by René Descartes usually translated into English as "I think, therefore I am". A friend sent me a photo yesterday of a clever twist by Gemma Correll that resonated “I over think, therefore I am anxious”.

Interestingly I then started to over-think the statement, rather unkindly berating myself for over-thinking and wondering what I needed to do to rid myself of this habit. Then I realised that is a negative spiral, I had to remind myself I was already on the trail of this one. In fact, as I said above, I’m getting better and better at bringing conscious awareness to my thoughts and making different choices.

Whatever the year 2018 has been to you, take this moment to reflect on it. Sip and savour each part for just a little while and be kind to yourself while you’re doing it; give credit where it’s due. While next year will soon be upon us, look how far you’ve come and where you are right at present. Take a cup of kindness for auld lang syne and for the here and now.

If you’d like a fresh perspective (and only that, it’s not advice you have to take or act upon) on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me or click here for further information. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

If someone said to you that over-effort was indoctrinated in you and, over time, it’s confiscated your sense of joy, how does that make you feel?

For many of us, having being brought up in societies that value productivity and extrovert behaviours, it’s a statement of truth. Certainly it is for me, although I hadn’t thought about it in terms of my sense of joy; it makes sense, but seems sad.

The point is amplified when I think in terms of lining up with my life purpose and all the things I really want in my future. I am aware over-effort creates a stressed, striving version of me, whereas going with the flow creates a more relaxed version. I also know from experience I am more likely to notice the little serendipities that connect the dots to my best life when I am in a relaxed, easier frame of mind.

Therefore, I know ease is my aim. Yet it kind of freaks me out, I’m not confident in my ability to just relax these days.

I can remember days long past on the beach during summer holidays with nothing to do but swim, go for walks and lounge in the sun. So I know it’s possible for me to switch off.

Yet, with two young kids in the picture, the aforementioned indoctrination into over-effort and my attentive nature, I know achieving a state of ease will take focus and commitment. I can feel the adrenaline coursing through my system and I can visualize the over-efforting me tapping my proverbial fingers wanting to use it.

A friend of mine had her second accident within the space of a week, running around town trying to get things done while her kids were being looked after elsewhere. I can relate, I always have a reserve list of things I’d like to get done if the kids are otherwise occupied. Often though, less is more.

Yesterday was a classic example of over-effort. With the kids at home and wrapped up in their own world happily occupied, instead of just being I was busy doing. There were groceries to put away, two loads of washing to do and invoices for my partner’s business; just the usual day to day stuff. But I also wanted to get the pool up for the rest of the summer months.

When it came time to cook dinner, I could hardly stand in the kitchen as my back kept going into spasms and my head was throbbing; I’d totally overdone things. Then, after supper, we took the kids for a drive to a nearby neighbourhod where a whole street has gone out of their way to decorate the gardens and houses for the festive season.

While it was exciting for the kids, it was busy and noisy, and the flashing lights did nothing to help that headache I’d developed. Instead of ease I seemed to have opted for every opposite choice I could have possibly made.

Today I resolved to do better and, although I had the linen cupboard in my sights for a clean up, I opted to do something for myself instead. At first I did my daily meditation, and fell asleep. Then, as I scanned through some of the enlightening and uplifting videos I like to watch, after a while that all felt like too much effort as well; so I just closed my eyes and fell asleep again.

The kids are on holiday for the whole summer. When they are at school I usually think of that as my moments of solitude which I use for contemplation, personal growth and writing. When they are at home, because they need my attention, I think of that as the time I catch up on projects around the house or garden while they play. This summer I think I’ll just cast aside my M.O. and play too.

I created a bubble around this first week with no plans so the kids can defrag, but now I know I desperately need to do that too. The rest of the holidays are more social, with several sets of visitors coming and two short trips in the pipeline, all quite fun in light of the freedom from the binds of our usual routine.

So really it’s the perfect time to embrace that inner child of mine and learn what ease feels like again; more importantly, to rediscover a sense of joy. I’ve realised that in running around being busy, I could actually miss the main event – my best life, the one I came to live.

Can you imagine your world with more ease and joy in it? What about the people around you?

So let’s do less and be more, let’s ease in 2019 together.

​If you’d like a fresh perspective (and only that, it’s not advice you have to take or act upon) on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me or click here for further information. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

The art of putting yourself first sometimes means saying “No”, and sometimes it means facing fears and saying “Yes”. To discover more, read on...

​Published in Soul Analyse

A better sense of self-awareness brings its own reward. Swiftly shifting your attention to what you have accomplished in the past year awakens your can-do attitude and gets you back in touch with your innate ability to make things happen in the year to come. But you need to prioritize self-care first. Read more here.

Published in HavingTime.com

Life is like a mirror, it keeps reflecting back to me what I need to see about myself in order to grow and keep on purpose.

Now what I have just said in that one sentence took me decades to learn. For years, if I was upset with someone then it was about something they were doing to me. Now I know it’s reflecting back something I’m doing to myself.

My whole life I have sought my purpose, only to realise the whole time I’ve been totally on purpose. Life is unfolding the way it should; I’ve learned the lessons I needed to learn to grow to this point. There was even a time when I wondered whether having kids was my purpose because I wanted them so instinctively and so much.

Prior to having kids, my partner and I liked to squeeze every last minute out of each day. There were always things to be done around the house, or the garden, there were places to visit and people to catch up with. On holiday we wanted to make the most of each destination. When working we are both fully focused, quite high energy people.

Being productive has been drummed into us both in our lives. It’s been about making the most of life out there but that has come at the cost of our inner lives.

I, at least, knew I had an inner life. I was a letter-writer and journal writer when I was younger, and I used to (and still do) have best friends that I’d share my deepest thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams with. But as I grew up and took on the responsibilities of a home, career and family, that time for inner digestion, observation and insight became less and less.

Bringing kids into the world helped take me back to my own starting point, the place before I began being marinated in the juices of our society; indoctrinated into a normal life (by western society’s standards), the busy life. 

In her first couple of years my eldest daughter would wake up through the night wanting fed, wanting the mummy time she missed during the day while I was working. By the time she was three she was far more vocal and demonstrative about that, each evening turning into a nightmare of meltdowns and anxiety.

I had a job that carried a high level of responsibility, it was normal to be responding to emails at ten o’clock at night and ordering groceries online in between emails while travelling to work. I used to wake up at two or three in the morning as my brain would thaw and I’d remember something I was supposed to do or I’d think of a solution to an issue and get up and make lists of more things to do to keep the wheels turning.

Meanwhile I could be in a meeting at work and suddenly realise my daughter’s dummy was stuck down the front of my bra, or mentally be adding something to the mummy list of things I needed to buy or do for my daughter. Life was all out there. My engagement with the outer world was so high it left zero time for inner reflection.

Watching my daughter’s distraught behaviour each night, I heard the call loudly and clearly. It wasn’t about managing her behaviour, her behaviour was mirroring exactly how I felt on the inside.

So stepping out of the corporate arena and into the role of ,first, kindergarten and now school mum has also been enlightening. Having moved to a new area, knowing we were on this journey through kindergarten and school together with many other families, we determined to make an effort to get to know people.

After-school playdates and activities, while loved by my kids, were also their undoing. It was all too much. I had to pull the car over one day on the way out of the school because my daughter was having a horrific meltdown in the back and had unbuckled herself and was climbing out the vehicle while it was moving, absolutely beside herself. After that, we withdrew from anything extracurricular.

It’s been hard to look in that mirror. The mirror of a person who loves engaging with the world in so many ways, but simply needs a greater balance between that and time to absorb it all; digest, regurgitate, learn and grow.

I sometimes feel sad for my children because I have no desire or capacity to home school, so the only alternative is to put them into the education system. By their nature, systems restrict freedom, they do not allow for individuals going with their own flow.

And because school hours take my kids to the outer edge of their capacity to have their attention out there, I become the mean mummy who says no to much desired play dates and other things they’d like to explore.

So I’ve had to make that stand for their inner life, because the evidence that it is needed is obvious.

Now and again we test the waters and I agree to let one of them attend a play date, event or activity, or agree to look after another child during their usual downtime. Each time I see the meltdowns, the disrupted sleeping patterns for days on end, the sniping and lack of patience, and it reminds me that less is more.

We are on the right track by continuing to disengage in what others might think of as normal levels of activities, balance is required.

The temptation to do more is always there, yet it’s in just being more that the answer lies.

This is what my children have taught me. When I make the time to tune into my inner self, to let inspiration arise, to recognise and take advantage of the serendipities, things go more smoothly, and we expand and grow in a gentler way.

The more that we seek in the doing, comes so much more easily in the being.

As my eldest child is growing, I am seeing her anxieties lessen and her confidence grow; I see more of the beaming, thoughtful child who happily skips along. This too is a mirror.

I was in the classroom helping with some handcraft a while back and one of my daughter’s school friends asked whether she could have a play date on a school day. My daughter just shrugged and said, “Mm, nah, too tired, we do play dates in the holidays”.

Now I accept we are all quite different. Some of us need more inner reflection time versus social engagement, for others it’s tipped the other way. But I do know western society, among others, is currently wired to keep our attention outward.

I now know my purpose, thanks to my kids, it is about bringing conscious awareness into my life, and therefore (by default) onto Earth. The reason I know this is because, due to the necessary periods of downtime my kids needed, I am now consciously aware of my inner world; my thoughts, feelings, intuition and connection to all other things.

But, as I’ve said, that didn’t happen overnight, it’s been a journey that got sharply honed in its focus from the moment I had kids and got pushed to breaking point. I wished I had been able to see what is now so clear without having to be pushed so far, but when we are being slowly cooked we don’t always realise it.

So ask yourself, what is my life mirroring to me? Take some time this holiday season to reflect and hear your inner voice; that is what will help lead you to your best life.

​If you’d like a fresh perspective (and only that, it’s not advice you have to take or act upon) on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me or click here for further information. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.
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A friend was asking me the other day about whether I thought her partner’s negativity was holding her back. These are thoughts I’ve succumbed to myself, many a time, thinking someone else was holding me back from my best life.

Feeling held back is – in itself – a negative experience. There are many guises of negativity, it can come in the form of doubts, rejection, disappointment, worry, irritation, impatience, anger, fear, hatred, abandonment, shame, anxiety, despair or depression – and many things in between.

I often catch myself thinking that being the hands-on parent in our family is holding me back. I’m the one who takes responsibility for the day to day care of my kids, the relationship with their school and any other activities we get involved in.

I was talking to another parent the other day who does some amazing craftwork. We were talking about that feeling of putting your own self on hold as we bring young children into the world. There is an inner nudge we can feel from our creative flow wanting to express itself, meanwhile we are caught up washing dishes or some other drudge.

Yet when I really challenge myself on that line of thinking, its tosh. Sure, I’m not a person who thrives on doing housework, but I am the best person to look after my kids. I’m insightful about what they need and thoughtful about what we do, even if that means bucking the system at times.

It’s not a one way street either, far from it. It was my daughter’s birthday the other day and I was reflecting on how my life had changed since I gave birth to her. The changes are monumental and all for the better. This parenting gig may be one intense ride but I’ve travelled light years towards my own authenticity; for that I am hugely grateful.

In my friend’s case, she has been focused on catching her own negative thinking and trying to be grateful for all she has in her life, trusting that the ‘more’ she wants will unfold when its ready to. Meanwhile her partner is focused on (what he sees as) the realities of life; the market; their bank balance, how much is earned, that sort of thing.

It is not uncommon to be out of sync with at least some (if not most) of the people in our life as we grow and change, especially when conscious awareness of old habits is arising. When I started on my own journey to me, my partner was similarly focused on life’s practicalities. I’ve found it’s better not to fuel the negativity by pointing it out.

In fact, being grateful for what you have and trusting the future will unfold as its meant to can frustrate the heck out of someone else who is looking at the bank balance; I know as that has been me at times and it can feel like denial. Perhaps it’s better just to be grateful and trusting without trying to force the same approach on someone else who isn’t ready for it.

One thing I have found works well, though, is to dream together. My partner and I can often be at different places on journey, but when we dream together we find common ground. What sort of house would we ideally like to live in, where would we ideally like to live, what education or lifestyle would be ideal for our kids, where we would like to take our kids on holiday, what would we each ideally like to do with our lives, and so on.

But I do understand where my friend was coming from. I’ve often felt others (such as parents, partners, children, friends, bosses, colleagues; the list is endless) are holding me back.

I find it particularly interesting when I observe negative emotions coming from someone under the pretext of having my best interests at heart, especially when they genuinely think they do have my best interests at heart.

Again I’ve been guilty of this myself many times, but it’s really more about how I feel about what they are wanting or doing, which is simply an opinion. We each are our own best judge about what’s best for us.

Someone else was telling me this week about a person who is being abusive towards them. They had determined to ignore further attempts to draw them in (thus not fuelling the negative), focusing instead on the life they want to create for themselves.

This made me reflect on the many wasted hours I have spent fuelling arguments and conflict in my own life in a bid to convince another person to see my point of view. It would have been far better – and less painful – to not get drawn in; ignore the bait and focus, instead, on the things I do want.  

I’ve come to realise that life is a mirror, so if someone else’s opinions or actions are upsetting me I know the situation is reflecting something back that I need to learn in order to move on; often that lesson is about my own self worth.

Regardless of the circumstances I have found myself in, the answer is always the same, focusing blame on another person just isn’t helpful. That is not to say that I condone any form of abuse (be it emotional or physical). But I know that, whatever I’m experiencing, by putting me first everything else will fall into place.

This is easier said than done, especially with my empathic tendencies. How I make other people feel is something I really notice and care about. I’ve also become aware it’s something I can lose clarity on when I’m under stress; I can be hard on myself and hear or see things that others never even thought or felt.  

It can be quite tricky to see what’s going on in your specific situation unless you can stand back and take an objective look at it. Regularly taking time to become aware of your thoughts and feelings (conscious awareness) helps with this. Talking to someone who isn’t embroiled in your day to day life, and who understand and supports your objectives can also help immensely.

But the best tool I’ve found to date, is to become inquisitive about everything. Be interested in what life is pointing to, undoubtedly there are always clues to your best life right in front of your eyes. Question not who is holding you back, but in what way are you holding yourself back? That is the key to your best life.

If you liked this article you might like How Would Life Be Different if You Believed in Yourself?, Put Money in its Place, What Do the People in Your Life Have to Teach (Good and Bad)?, Why Resenting Your Parents is Healthy, Why Does She Stay? … and What Makes You So Different?, or Great Relationships Happen When You Put You First

If you’d like a fresh perspective (and only that, it’s not advice you have to take or act upon) on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me or click here for further information. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Just like any goal, living your best life – or riding a wave - requires focus and perseverance. At first you might find yourself back in the murky waters now and again, but keep practicing and soon you too will be riding the waves of your best life... Read more

​Published in Having Time

“If a child lives with criticism he learns to condemn, if a child lives with hostility he learns to fight….if a child lives with encouragement he learns confidence, if a child lives with praise he learns to appreciate…” from the poem Children Learn What They Live  by Dorothy Law Nolte

Browsing through a local gift shop in my late teens, I purchased a little pocket card with this poem on it. At some point I attached it to magnet and it’s been a permanent fixture on my fridge ever since.

This week I shared the little card with a friend when we were talking about three things that feed love – attention, appreciation and affection. I had been observing how confronting I often find initiating the latter two, particularly when I’m dealing with adults. In the spirit of Dorothy Law Nolte’s poem, it’s easy to see these as shadows of my childhood.

Shadows are the things we don’t feel good about, the things we shy away from. But by shining a light into the shadows, we often find there is nothing there to be afraid of anymore, it frees us up to uncover and embrace our authentic selves.  

For example, having been brought up in a culture known for its stoicism, it’s no surprise to me that I struggle with initiating appreciation and affection. As I’ve gotten older I’ve become good at picking up on others’ cues, if I meet people who are appreciative or affectionate, it is easier to return this. Otherwise I tend not to even think about it.

After reading the Dorothy Law Nolte poem, my friend flicked me a pointed quote by Ken Keyes Jr in return:

“You are not responsible for the programming you picked up in childhood. However, as an adult, you are one hundred percent responsible for fixing it.”

She asked for my thoughts and I’m wholeheartedly with Mr Keyes on this point. What I wanted to explore was where I am on my journey with appreciation and affection and what – if anything – I wanted to fix. 

While I’ve gone a long way to breaking bad habits, I’ve probably not yet embraced some of these healthier ones. Just because I’ve stopped being as critical in my life doesn’t mean I’ve embraced the art of appreciation and just because I recognise I’m not physically expressive doesn’t mean I’m suddenly hugging everyone I meet.

I was reading an article recently on why someone hated shows of affection and had no desire to overcome it. They were quite adamant there was no childhood trauma; one parent in particular had been quite demonstrative in the hug department. I could understand their perspective and, of course, it’s their choice whether they want to work on becoming more affectionate.

I personally feel if an issue has made itself aware to us, then there’s something about it we need to learn – even if that is simply self love and acceptance so we can drop the defence.

I shared with the writer that I also had a huggie parent, the problem wasn’t the lack of hugs I’d been offered. In retrospect I think it was the sense of hypocrisy I felt between affection and judgments and expectations about my behaviour (and, thus, lack of acceptance of the real me) that repelled me. This is, of course, what most of us call a normal childhood and why we tend to have shadows as a result.

While I’m generally quite adept at reciprocating affection these days, I do acknowledge there are times where I just need to withdraw within and recharge. Generally speaking that is about honouring my authentic self and needs. Knowing that, overall I’m now pretty comfortable with the levels of affection I share with others,

Appreciation though is a different matter. I remember – back in my management training days – hearing someone say “catch them doing it right.” While that resonated, it has also made me aware that I have high expectations of myself and – by extension – others.

Yet how can I expect someone to enjoy doing something for me if I take it for granted and don’t appreciate it?
And how can I expect someone else to appreciate me for a task I don’t even appreciate doing?

For example, I pursued my quest to start a family with relentless determination but often feel trapped in the day to day grind of looking after them and the household. The voice in my head sounds like I’m doing things under sufferance. Not surprisingly it sounds just like my mother’s, when I’d listen to her rant to herself, as I was growing up.

Looking at this through fresh lenses, I understand who my kids are and what they need in order to just be better than anyone else. That is what drives me as a parent, holding a space for them to be who they are. I’m not perfect, far from it, but I’m attentive and thoughtful in my role and that is what I need to appreciate in myself and my choices when I start to feel like I’ve trapped myself in some homemaking hell.

Rather than undertake these tasks with an attitude of resentment, a childhood shadow, I can consider them afresh and appreciate the deep commitment I have to honouring my needs and my children’s needs. After all, I’m unlikely to attract any appreciation if I’m mumbling and grumbling about something. If I can appreciate myself, it creates emotional space for me to appreciate the efforts of others also and vice versa. 

No matter how far I have come on the journey to me, there always seems to be something new to look at, shadows that still lurk. These days I look at them with interest and inquiry rather than fear or dread.

Dorothy Law Nolte says “If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness”. And so as we each practice shining a light on the shadows of our childhood to take an honest look, we gain insight and confidence and take another step towards our own truth into a bright new world.

If you’d like a fresh perspective (and only that, it’s not advice you have to take or act upon) on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me or click here for further information. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.