​Empower Your Mind: Uncover and Transform Unhealthy Narratives in Your Head

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Lately I’ve become increasingly aware of thoughts in my head that just seem to be playing in a loop in the background; ruminating over my position on something deeply important to me. I know this has been a pattern for some time years and I started to get curious about the thoughts that had preceded these ones, at a time when this present issue didn’t exist.

There have inevitably been various forms of disparity with people who were in a position of influence in my life - previous bosses, colleagues, partners, friends and my parents. But I recognised that the prevalent narrative in my head goes beyond a healthy dialogue (and the thoughts that might lead up to that, or follow it) that takes place when people don’t agree.

I tend to jump forward in my head, predicting the varying interactions, emotional reactions, arguments and possible outcomes and playing over past conversations in an attempt to prepare for these by playing them out in my head, sometimes for months.

Then I came across an exercise I’d done a few years ago about my beliefs and – at the time – I’d written “Without approval (of those I care about) life is not worth living”. Wow, had I really believed that only a few short years ago?

I suspect that belief was an upgrade on a previous belief which would have sounded far more like “Without approval (from anyone influential) life is not worth living”. While the thoughts themselves are logical and helpful should I ever need to have these conversations, the constant replaying of them, adapting them, honing them, is far less healthy. It is a sign of hypervigilance that needs addressed because the circumstances don’t warrant that level of alertness and attention.

This points to old trauma and patterns of behaviour that would once have made sense, and supported my survival, but are now outdated. Ultimately about justifying my existence, my right to have my own opinion, needs, desires and so on. It’s as if I am unwittingly learning lines in a play that I might never act in, but by practicing so much I’m far more likely to attract and repeat these scenarios.

Something else I’d written in my journal around the same time popped out at me:

“The central tenet of my thoughts so far pertains to the arising of conscious awareness. Can people be regularly present with their inner thoughts and not experience the broader context of life? I would find that hard to believe. Regularly practicing meditation has brought me to that observation platform, firstly of my inner world and its self defeating programs as well as the capacity for change and transformation.

Secondly, it has brought me to the doorway of everything else unseen that lies beyond. Energy, metaphysical, spirit, god, name it what you will, within it a certain truth exists that opens the mind to an inescapable truth: I am the creator of my own reality, as are you.

It’s this idea, this knowing, I think that first has to reawaken. Once awake, once conscious of oneself and the oneness of all life, that is the point from which each person can start to look within at their own truths and guidance.

It seems to me though, that while the greatest and most truthful guidance lies within us, it is almost universally subverted by the fears we have each learned on our journey. As we reawaken to who we are, there is work to be done to recognise and heal the emotional signature of self limiting beliefs (the emotional signature arising from our earliest memories stored in our bodies and subconscious minds).”

It reminded me of an interview I’d listened to with Alexandra Roxo about her new book Dare to Feel, where she had come to similar conclusions. There are valid reasons why we sometimes guard our hearts. Yet when we keep them closed, we diminish our capacity to live life to its fullest. Alexandra Roxo has a gift for helping people "meet the difficult places" within us, to heal and open our hearts and "dare to feel" the emotions that were once too painful or overwhelming.

She recalls the great teacher Sally Kempton, talking about how we need to have meditated for quite a few years to have a certain amount of self-awareness and the ability to have a witness mindset at the same time.

This is where you have those moments where you’re witnessing, “Wow, I have fallen into the depths of shame. I’m [lying] on my bedroom floor crying right now. Wow, I’m very curious. I’m watching. I’m feeling.” And that’s not always possible to have that little bit of distance between us and our emotions. It takes a lot of practice.

Alexandra feels that it is the ability to hold some sort of a witness mindset and state based on some sort of a contemplative practice, which then allows us to actually stay with the feeling. When we are just starting out on the path, we don’t have that. So we probably shouldn’t really dive so deep into things, into our feelings, or into some of these human parts, on our own until we have established that level of awareness and ability.

So this was one of those moments where I’m witnessing “Wow, do I really think on some level that there’s a need to justifying my existence still with people who have an influence in my life?” For a start, I’ve done a lot of work on boundaries and juggling in my life in the last few years, in terms of who sits where at my VIP table.

So many of the disparities that occur are between me and people who I know care about me, and hold my best interests as equal to their own. Occasionally I have to spar with people for whom that is not that case, and I recognise more clearly now that some people really do not care about anything other than their own opinions and desires, regardless of the cost to others.

So I took my ruminating thoughts and looked at how it made me feel obsessively justifying myself like that – overwhelmed, unfocused, stressed, tired, pressured, annoyed, frustrated, provoked, let down disrespected, insignificant and anxious. And I looked at the kinds of feelings that would be counter to that – energetic, focused, excited, joyful, curious, empowered, trusting, peaceful, accepted, courageous, creative, valued, successful, inspired and proud.

Then I thought about the people and circumstances in my life that evoked those feelings and it evoked memories of the people who had believed in me in some way, who have supported me, championed me, taught me and helped me progress in life.

So now, as an antidote to the unhelpful, ruminating thoughts, when I consciously catch them, I’m taking the time to remember those others who believed in me, more than I believed in myself, and the feelings that invoked. And by – what feels like - some magical alchemy, this lifts the heavy feelings and I can breathe more easily and think more clearly from a healthy perspective.

This is often referred to as cognitive reframing or cognitive restructuring. By intentionally replacing negative or unhealthy narratives with more positive, empowering ones, we can gradually rewire our brain to default to healthier thought patterns. The goal isn't to ignore or suppress negative thoughts and emotions but rather to acknowledge them and actively choose more constructive ways of thinking and responding.

By examining our inner landscapes with compassion and curiosity, we can uncover hidden truths, release old wounds, and embrace the fullness of our being. Consider the beliefs, thought patterns, and emotions that shape your daily life. Are there any recurring themes or behaviours that might be rooted in past traumas or outdated beliefs? What steps can you take to cultivate greater self-awareness, emotional resilience, and inner peace?

Perhaps, like me, you've found solace in practices like meditation or insightful conversations with others. Or maybe you're just beginning to explore these avenues of self-discovery. Wherever you are on your journey, know that each messy moment offers an opportunity for growth and transformation. May we all dare to feel, dare to heal, and dare to live authentically, one mindful step at a time.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Who Do You Need to Become in Order to Realise Your Dreams? , What Resentment, Frustration and Pain Have to Do With Your Boundaries, Who Are You? Introduce the Remarkable Human Behind the Roles You Play , How to Attract People Who Love You the Way You Are: Accept and Approve of Yourself and How to Fulfil Your Long Desired Yearning for Belonging. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.