​Devote Your Attention to Ways You Impact Others and How You’re Truly Treated

Image by Annette Meyer from Pixabay

“There’s a man out there who will tell you that she’s crazy, emotionally unstable, and aggressive. There’s also a man who will say he’s never felt more appreciated and respected, that she has created the safest space for him, and that being around her makes him feel nurtured, cared for, and at peace. Believe them both.

You get the woman you take care of, whatever you give her, she will reflect back to you. If you show up in confusion, gaslight her, or are hot and cold, of course she’ll seem like a lunatic. However, if you show up with clarity, know how to lead, and make this a safe space, you’ll see a totally different woman.”

I read this quote from Chris Perry this week, and it resonated with me on a couple of levels. Firstly, because I’ve been both those women and, secondly, because I now know that I get to choose how I show up, regardless of who I am with.

In our lives, we get to choose the people who are important to us. Unfortunately, because we don’t get to choose this so much as children and - and depending on the indoctrination we get around the role family plays in our life - it’s common to feel that there are certain people we are obligated to.

But there are always choices, sometimes extremely hard ones. Whether we feel duty bound by marriage, birth, children or other reasons, we do get to choose how close we let others get, and our reactions.

When Chris Perry says “whatever you give her, she will reflect back to you” I hear the truth in it, because life has shown me time and again, it will reflect back what I’m putting out and what I’m allowing.

In terms of relationships, for all sorts of reasons most of us end up with some really unhelpful belief patterns that seem hardwired in there. Unseen, yet running the show: I’m not worthy, I don’t belong, I’m stupid, I’m too much, I’m not enough, I’m alone, I’m afraid… the list goes on.

These arise in childhood before our conscious memories; they are our ways of interpreting the world depending on many factors, including our earliest experiences and our natural personalities. We aren’t aware that these are then hard wired into our neurobiology, and so our sense of felt safety and “normal” are set in relation to these.

That means we may not always be attracted to compatible or healthy relationships. With chemistry running the show, many people often find themselves entangled with another person who – if they really could look at them objectively – shares many traits with the parent, sibling or other key person from their childhood with whom there feels something outstanding.

It’s like a subconscious do-over, “if I can get this person (I’m attracted to) to love me, then at last I will feel complete and whole”.

I have gone through many of these kinds of relationships in my life, resulting in a prolonged crescendo of something that was very much like the first relationship Chris Perry describes. Remaining in that relationship out of the aforementioned sense of obligation, I found different ways to cope at different times. 

In the main, I was so busy in my role as a parent, and on eking time out for self care (despite the aggravation it caused), that I managed to simply miss or ignore a lot of behaviours that I should have addressed. Often I was too distracted to pick up on a lot of things that were really unhealthy. I didn’t actually step back to take a look at the picture properly. And I didn’t want to, because I prioritized being able to bring up my kids and knew that, if I looked too closely, things would have to change.

That decision was taken for me though, but by then I had done enough introspection and was far enough along the road as an observer in my life, to be able to take a really epic growth journey when moving on.

I realised this week just how far I’ve come when I’d been deliberating over whether to and how to respond to a tricky communication I’d received. This contained some matters that did need addressing, while also muddied with some spurious statements and old arguments. I decided to cover those with an acknowledgement that it’s clear we maintain differing perspectives on certain matters, which is to be expected given our unique viewpoints and experiences.

Brianna MacWilliam taught me a couple of years ago how to assess and heal my conflict style in relationships, to help stop a spiral before it begins. I am still in the phase of consciously applying what I learned; it hasn’t become my default yet, which is no surprise after a lifetime of reacting in other ways.

The rest of my response I kept neutral, sharing facts and observations, and this can be hard work because my wiring draws me towards wanting to get on the battlefield and “stand up for myself”. Whereas, in this situation I’ve learned that the most effective way to do that is by ensuring my communications are devoid of judgments and emotive language, while sticking to the key points I need to address.

Later that day I then drew a card (which I love doing each day as a way to connect with my intuition), it depicted a sword front and centre, with mountains and clouds below. On either side of the cross-guard hung two scales, equally balanced. The card, The Scales, is rich with imagery as the sword is adorned with a deep purple scarf wrapped once around the blade, as if caught flying in the wind from high in the east to low on the west, giving the effect of it wearing a sash. There is also a red thorny rose twisted around the hilt and blade.

This card shows up in a reading when there is some doubt over the right course of action, or to remind us that what we do now will have an effect in the future. I was in no doubt the card symbolized the thorny interaction I had been deliberating, and confirmed my intuition in terms of dealing with it in a balanced way. It was powerful symbolism, one that will stay with me, reminding me to draw on my experience from past battles and make wiser judgments to pave the way for harmony.

What has changed here is not, in Chris Perry’s terms, the way someone is with me. What has changed is the way I am in relationship to the people in my life. This is both in terms of how I treat people, and what I will accept from them.

What about you, are there recurring patterns in your interactions with others? What beliefs or past experiences might be influencing these patterns? How do you show up in your relationships, and what impact does this have on the dynamics? By exploring these questions with honesty and openness, we can uncover valuable insights that guide us towards deeper self-awareness and more fulfilling connections with those around us.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy What Do You Want From Your Relationships - Time to Take an Inventory?, How to Let Go of Your Attachment to Your Feelings, Expectations and Beliefs, Embrace Your Authentic Self, Shed the Toxic People in Your Life, Intention Is the Key to Transforming Your Life and Normal Is Dysfunctional That Is the Growth Opportunity. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.