“I spent too long wanting what was taken from me and not what I was given.” King Caspian, The Dawn Treader

As I watched this movie with my daughters, after we had read C.S.Lewis’s infamous Narnia Chronicles, I knew these were not words spoken in the original book, and yet they were so perfectly on point.

This week I’ve been staring straight into the eyes of resentment, which Teal Swan describes as “a soup of different emotions all associated with being treated unfairly; it is one of the strongest hooks that anchors a person to the past”.

As I listened to my own internal dialogue about the way I had just spoken to someone, I realised that what I was hearing was a defence. If I had been putting my point across to a judge or jury, I’m pretty sure they would have sympathy for me, perhaps even granted me a pardon.

However, I thought to myself, I am not in front of an objective judge or jury; I am having a subjective experience. Both I and the other person were communicating from a perspective that was so wrapped in our own entire life stories that – try as we each might – it would be hard for either to understand without a long, drawn out autopsy.

It was a familiar realisation that I’m no longer playing the survival game I played as a child, when I was forced to explain my actions and learned to use words to rationalise out everything in my experience. This is a silent begging for recognition of the right to my own views, wrapped up in the angry indignation and resentment at being treated as I was a child.

This game no longer serves me, it gives my power away (the power of my own discernment, my own decision making) to the person I’m speaking to. In fact, I realise, this is not a game I can ever win, even if it was an old survival strategy that was relevant, is surviving winning at life?

And the fact is, I’m holding onto old resentments, wanting the respect that was taken from me rather than respecting who I have become in spite of it all.  

Resentment is a complex and deep rooted emotion, and I knew that while I certainly harboured resentments in my life, I also needed to explore the ancestral ties to some of those feelings too. For, perhaps like you, I had inherited certain philosophies and beliefs about life and people that already carried the stench of resentment right from the outset.

So I was excited to be in a Family Constellation session facilitated by a good friend of mine this week. I’m always blown away by how quickly I can switch my focus to the wider quantum field of energy in these sessions; it’s a powerful way to connect with those (usually hurt) parts of me that need to be seen as well broader sense of who I am unencumbered by my experiences in this physical body.

This session did not disappoint. The question I brought to the field was one seeking clarity on why I turn my emotions in on myself.  With a chronic shoulder pain, which signals holding back emotions, a recent kidney stone and a also a fibroid growing in my womb (both growths signalling the suppression of anger and resentment to the extent the body creates a physical demonstration of the feelings), it felt important for me to get a broader perspective than just the thoughts in my head, I also needed to consider the emotional stories I’d inherited.

So with proxies chosen for Control and Emotion, we were underway. It was a fascinating exchange: Emotion was happily waving about like a tree in the wind and wanted to hug Control (when Control was frozen and very closed to an interaction). As Control softened, Emotion wanted to create distance, it was an interesting dance.

As I entered the field, not knowing what I was a proxy for, I wanted to keep both at a safe distance and could feel myself like a sentry on guard. This was particularly true when Control hid behind Emotion; I was extremely uncomfortable and paid Emotion zero attention because I was on high alert for Control. Once I had Control back in my sights I then felt more curiosity about Emotion. And when Emotion moved away, I felt a grief for not having gotten closer.

At this point I discovered that I was a proxy for my reproductive system. I could sense though that this wasn’t just about my reproductive system, in fact, there was way more trauma coming through from previous generations. As Control and Emotion worked together more it allowed the Reproductive System to disengage, to retire.

Not only has it done the amazing job of producing two children, it has been much wiser than me and processed my suppressed feelings on my behalf for as long as I can remember.  All be it, this has manifested in many things that – on the face of it – I would not have asked for. But my body has been trying to get my attention in the only way it knew how to.

This highlights my womb has always been in a state of alert and actually does better when the stressors are known, if all seems calm I actually go into a state of hyper vigilance on the look out for control, to the point of completely ignoring my emotions.

Then came this feeling of utter shock, as it hit me that I (Reproductive System) was no longer required and I felt lost, not knowing what I was to do. The others in the field described me as if I were suffering from PTSD at this point. That is precisely how I felt, as if I were staring across a fallen battlefield; I was numb.

Wrapping me in a warm cloak, I was aware that my facilitator friend was asking me to sit down, and lean against Control and Emotion for support. I have no idea how long I stayed there, it felt like a long time.

But then I had the most sublime experience. It was as if, on the floor before me, a pool of light opened up, it was in the shape of a heart. It was a nurturing, healing light, full of love and warmth and compassion. Within that light came the answer I was looking for, that my womb – now free of its reproductive duties and being honoured and unshackled from its role as guardian of my resentment, overwhelm and other emotions – was now the portal to this light, taking its rightful place as the seat of creative power within my being.

Without all that distraction and burden, it is freed up energy available to support my creative expression and growth. As I continued to watch this pool of light I saw within it a DNA strand unwind and reconfigure, this represented not only a different possible future for me, but for my children, and theirs.

Next I saw a Phoenix rising and, as I continued to watch, the Phoenix became a She Wolf. As I watched the She Wolf standing proudly in this light, the facilitator friend (who knew nothing of the vision I was having) came along and serendipitously put a proxy directly on the pool of light. This was a proxy for me; my reproductive self watched on in delight.

The feeling of that experience is one I have shared with a few people already, and it is still with me. If you have ever experienced moments of grace like this you will know what I mean. But if you have not I can only wish the same for you, for they are sublime beyond anything you can simply see with your eyes, smell with your nose, taste with your tongue, touch with your hands or hear with your ears. This pure essence can only be felt in your heart.

It certainly has provided a wonderful experience to help me switch over from focusing on what was taken away from me and, instead, focus on what I have been given instead, a whole new lease of life. What is it you feel has or is being taken from you? And what possibilities, gifts or opportunities have arisen as a result?

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Kneel at the Doorway of Your Heart to Usher the Dawn of a New Era, Do You Need to Heal Your Boundaries?, Do You Really Know the Different Parts of You? and Get in Touch With What You Want for Your Future – Recognise Your Brain Is Dwelling in the Past. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

It seems to me that more and more people are becoming less identified with their thoughts and the self, and more aware of their connection to something much greater. At first I wondered whether it was because that is what had been happening to me over a number of years, a bit like when I’d want something as a child and then I’d suddenly start seeing that thing all over the place.

However, listening to Scott Shute , the Head of LinkedIn’s Mindfulness and Compassion Programe, he was citing the growth of mindfulness practices in recent years. He was saying there was only 5% of Americans who practiced some kind of mindfulness just a few short years ago, compared to a growing 15% today, and many more who are familiar with the term and have tried mindfulness practices.

Dr Jean Houston talks about how we are at the end of one era but not quite in the new era, rather we are standing on the precipice and she invites us to leap across the chasm. In Jean’s terms we are moving out of the era of the “local human” and into the era of the “quantum human”.

I certainly feel called to help usher in this new era. A world in which people are more aware of the thoughts and feelings that define their boundaries and, simultaneously, connection to all else, is the one I came for, the one I champion.

Jean says “speak like angels and use words like wands”. In my view, C.S.Lewis was a master at this. When he writes in The Magician’s Nephew, the prequel to The Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe about the birth of a new world, Narnia, it gives me goosebumps.

The children discover a place, a wood between worlds, where everything is peaceful and calm. This place is a portal to many worlds and they find themselves in a new world unborn. When they arrive there is nothing, just blackness, no stars, no sound, no sense of anything. They are naturally drawn to sing to keep themselves cheerful and sane and, after a while, they hear another sound...

“In the darkness something was happening at last. A voice had begun to sing...it seemed to come from all directions at once...its lower notes were deep enough to be the voice of the earth herself. There were no words. There was hardly even a tune. But it was, beyond comparison, the most beautiful noise ever heard.”

“Then two wonders happened at the same moment. One was that the voice was suddenly joined by other voices; more voices than you could possibly count. They were in harmony with it, but far higher up the scale: cold, tingling, silvery voices. The second wonder was that the blackness overhead, all at once, was blazing with stars...single stars, constellations, and planets, brighter and bigger than any in our world.”

“If you had seen and heard it, you would be quite certain that it was the stars themselves which were singing, and that it was the first voice, the deep one, which had made them appear and made them sing.”

“The voice on the earth was now louder and more triumphant; but the voices in the sky, after singing loudly with it for a time, began to get fainter... far away, and down near the horizon the sky began to turn grey. A light wind, very fresh, began to stir. The sky, in that one place, grew slowly and steadily paler. You could see the shapes of hills standing up dark against it.  All the time the voice went on singing.”

“The eastern sky changed from white to pink and from pink to gold. The voice rose and rose, till all the air was shaking with it. And just as it swelled to the mightiest and most glorious sound it had produced, the sun arose.”

This revealed the singer, the mighty Aslan, the creator of this land. He went on singing in a more gentle, rippling lilt, creating grass, plants and trees, and then the song changed once more, it became far wilder and – from this – the first creatures appeared. 

As I think about Jean’s proposition to leap across the chasm and cling to the ledge of a new era, I think of those children sitting in the darkness breathing life where once there was nothing and witnessing a whole new world appear.

I think of the cumbersome impossibility of trying to disentangle and reengineer the outdated societal systems we live with, and instead I imagine those behind me, my face to the new era, listening intently to the voices that are singing it into creation. That is where my attention must lie, and where my own voice must ring out.

In this world  between worlds, I think the heart is the quiet stillness – C.S. Lewis’s wood between the worlds – and in it we find the portal to our quantum self, and thus this new era.

Sarah Blondin describes this portal as having an umbilical chord to the divine (or greater intelligence or whatever word you feel most comfortable using for something bigger than ourselves). To cultivate this she says:

“It is practice and it is discipline. The heart knows its worth and needs to smell the sincerity on your breath and glimpse earnestness in your eyes, it needs to know you are kneeling at the doorway of your heart”.

I recognise in my own journey the many divine experiences I had by sheer grace in the year before my mum died. Since then I have been busy working to unshackle myself from my story so far, to unpeel the layers of experiences that have generated self limiting beliefs, unhealthy relationship patterns and chronic health conditions.

But, as Jean Houston says, this is the local human. There is a broader part of me – the higher self, the quantum human – that knows no such shackles. While recognising and honouring the challenges as the local human, it feels time to turn my attention more to the part of me I’ve always been aware of, but not lately been so focused upon.

As Jean describes beautifully, this is the part of me that says “I lure you with love into the universe and I pour myself into you”.

At this dawning of a new era, I feel it’s important to look into the shadows of that local human to free myself of unnecessary burden, but equally as important to practice sensing into that broader part of me that notices the serendipities of life lining up in so many subtle ways.

That broader part of me knows, expects even, to co-create this new era of human evolution with many others and the universe itself.  As Sarah Blondin asks, so I would ask you, how much time are you spending kneeling at the doorway of your heart? How much time in your day do you nurture that quiet stillness within you? Let us usher in this new era together.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How Can I Create a Better World?, Be an Evolutionary (Rather Than a Revolutionary), Base Your Actions on Love Not Fear, and What Do You Want The Prevailing Global Culture to Look Like? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

One of my top goals or priorities in life right now, as has been the case for a while, is to come into the fullness of who I am. To allow that to happen, I have been focused on my physical and emotional health, a peeling back of all the layers of stuff that I have taken on throughout my life.

It is not until I started this process that I have gained an appreciation for just how much stuff a person can accumulate.

I began by looking at the things that triggered me, I observed the thoughts in my head and started to see the underlying beliefs that percolated beneath, a lot of them not even actually congruent with what - in the present day - I have more consciously come to believe.

Instead, when I was triggered about something, I was most often flung back to a point in my childhood. This became most obvious when I’d be reacting to something the kids had done and I’d find myself sounding just like one of my own parents on autopilot.

This last few weeks I’ve been feeling physically out of sorts, the reason why became apparent when my left kidney started aching painfully and kept me from sleep, then I could feel a stone moving down through the ureter across my abdomen the next day, and finally its release and relief the following day.

Metaphysically kidney stones represent repressed or suppressed anger and resentment, crystallising physically as a stone. Reflecting upon this deeply, and acknowledging the voices in my head of late, I could see that (as the lockdown had progressed) I’d slipped back into some old thought patterns, pointing to some healing that needs attended to.

Clearly, as Dr Jean Housten would say, I had not been doing my internal housekeeping. This was quite true, and I can see in hindsight where these thought patterns started gaining momentum and turning me sour so to speak.

Anger is a great indicator that my personal boundaries have been violated.  By boundaries I mean the things I like and dislike, what is right for me, what is wrong for me, how I let myself be treated by others. In effect, my personal boundaries are what uniquely define and separate me from everything else.

“Signs of unhealthy boundaries”, says Teal Swan, “are saying no when you mean yes (or vice versa), feeling guilty when you say no, acting against your integrity and values to please others, or not speaking up when you have something to say, and so on.”

Through the personal work I had done to date, I recognised myself as having weak personal boundaries growing up, and a pattern of eventually exploding in anger as a way to affirm myself long after they had been overstepped. While I had done quite a bit of work in this area, I wanted to do a thorough spring clean, to “blow smoke on where I begin and others end” as one of my good friends said.

For this I’d highly recommend Yvette Rose’s book Healing Your Boundaries, it was an easy and insightful read and helped me put words to things that I had long since felt and been unable to express in a way that felt comfortable and empowering.

After the kidney stone had passed I awoke the next morning to read what dreams I had recorded the night before (I often jot these down half asleep through the night) and found an intriguing statement I had written:

Our greatest weaknesses can be exploited and used against us in an orchestra of our own demise.

I had no recall of writing this, but I knew instinctively it was referencing the kidney stone that had passed, and the broader picture of what it meant. Who does the exploiting? I do. Without addressing my now unhealthy childhood (emotional or physical) survival strategies, and asserting firm boundaries calmly, I am creating my own demise.

I’m aware that many of my boundary issues arise from the relationship I had with my mother growing up. It was not an untypical parent-child relationship, she was a strongly opinionated lady who had strict views on our behaviour and morals and it did not serve me in my younger years to argue if I felt any differently.

It would have been my mother’s birthday this week if she were still here, I’ve seen firsthand what illness can do to a person’s body. While she had no interest in the metaphysical herself, I can see quite clearly how life experiences weigh upon a person and create terrible suffering.

I have no such desire to suffer. I feel it is important that I get this sacred vessel of mine, the body in which I reside for my time here in this life, into as healthy a state as possible, for there is much to do.

Earth is awakening to a new level of consciousness, and I am committed to building that bridge to a new era in enlightened human life. It seems to me that we are all so much more than we see, and it is time to see with new eyes, to hear with our hearts and to move towards our best life.

Do you have unhealthy boundaries that you need to heal?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Do You Really Know the Different Parts of You?, Change Unhealthy Reactions and Get in Touch With What You Want for Your Future – Recognise Your Brain Is Dwelling in the Past. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

The thought occurred to me, who am I without my story?

The reason it occurred to me was because I was working with someone who can intuitively feel trauma and stuck energy within a body, and work to clear it. We were talking about a time in my life, long ago, when I had my heart shattered and my self esteem suffered badly; with many unhealthy self depreciating thought patterns arising. This had then led to many more unwanted things like an unhealthy relationship, panic disorder and a car accident.

The healer said he could remove that trauma and all its associated effects from my body and asked whether I would like him to. There is a big part of me who would love to just shrug off any chains that shackle me in an instant; to be immediately free of the effects of any of those harder experiences. 

The fact is though, I really wasn’t yet ready to let go of that part of my story. I got a vision in my head of a hand delving deep into a murky pond and wrenching a weed from the bottom; it stirred up everything else in its wake.

What I seek, more than just ridding myself of all trauma, is a conscious unwinding of all of it. I have a desire to peel back the layers gently, in reverence, one at a time, and create someone more whole in the process as I described in Take Your Broken Pieces and Make a Beautiful Life.

I think of who we show up as in the world like the layers of an onion, with layer upon layer of experiences that occur in our lives because of the meaning we have associated with our earliest events. As Dr Gabor Mate says in Shattered Minds “Of all the environments the one that most profoundly shapes the human personality is the invisible one: the emotional atmosphere in which the child lives during the early critical years of brain development.”

Margaret Mahler, child psychologist and researcher, further explains “To the infant, the world reveals itself in the image of its parents: in eye contact, intensity of glance, body language, tone of voice and, above all, in the day to day joy or emotional fatigue exhibited in the presence of the child.”

I’m aware therefore that I began receiving signals and making unconscious meaning of this world (and myself within it) from all these non-verbal signals long before I could even talk. It is no surprise then, as I heard a therapist say in the Transcendence 2 series, that the most commonly held beliefs we have are:

• I’m not good enough
• I’m not important
• Mistakes and failures are bad
• If I make a mistake or fail, I’ll be rejected

And so, as I came to see life through my unique lenses (a veritable cocktail of things like genes, disposition, and experiences), my experiences served to further perpetuate and instil whatever beliefs I had first formed. While it is reassuring to know that this is exactly as every human does, I find it’s also startling to realise that is quite separate from my parents’ (good) intentions and it was all well in motion before I started to more consciously become aware of myself.

As I peel back the layers, I reconcile the emotions and unhelpful beliefs and come to a deeper understanding of who I am and how to move forward without being shackled to that part of the story. And that is the real key I think, it’s not that my story changes, it’s how it lives within me that changes.

A friend suggested writing each emotional or physical trauma in my life, and the meaning I had made of each, on separate pieces of paper, then creating a beautiful box and placing all the pieces inside. Finally, with love, gift the box to the elements and let nature take its course. I like this idea symbolically, but however it happens, the tethers must be cut in order for me to come into the fullness of who I am.

It is also not just a story of triumph over trauma and challenge; it is a life that has (and has had) many beautiful people and wonderful experiences that have filled me with hope and light over the years. They too are part of the fabric of who I am, as I have talked about in articles like Who Showed You Unconditional Love?

As I cut the attachments to the things that keep me weighed down, I must also learn to use the positive experiences as wind beneath my wings. All of this is part of the experience of enlightenment in every sense of the word.

Each of us will feel called to unshackle ourselves in different ways, but unshackle we must if we are to truly fly.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Take Back Your Power - Only One Thing Need Change for You to Feel Good, Do You Really Know the Different Parts of You?, Change Unhealthy Reactions and Get in Touch With What You Want for Your Future – Recognise Your Brain Is Dwelling in the Past. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.