Just as I was about to start writing I saw a note from Morgan Harper Nichols which said:
 
“When you start to feel
Like things should have
Been better this year,
Remember the mountains and valleys that got you here
 
They are no accidents
And those moments were not in vain
You are not the same
 
You have grown and you are growing
You are breathing, you are living
You are wrapped in endless, boundless grace, and things will get better
There’s more to you than yesterday.”
 
This felt quite apt as I had just been contemplating the nature of endurism, which I’d been reading about in an article by Teal Swan. She writes about this as staying in a situation that is against your best interests because there is a perception of powerlessness – specifically there is a perception that there is no way to make an improvement to the situation.
 
This week I have spent time with some amazing people who are enduring in so many aspects of life. I’ve been deeply struck and moved by the lack of dignity and support available for those people in our society who become unable to physically care for themselves. So much responsibility is placed on those closest to them, regardless of how physically able they are themselves.
 
Some of that responsibility is self driven, from a perceived lack of choices. So when I read Teal’s words of advice to “make a decision to get out of any holding pattern in your life rather than passively wait for change” it resonated. Her recommendation is to evaluate decisions from the perspective of imagining how we might feel looking back on those decisions after we are dead. And to become as aware as possible of the positive and negative consequences of those decisions before we make them.
 
I can see through observing others this week in a holding pattern, I too have been in a holding pattern when it comes to parenting versus my career, and I can feel that the time is now right to break free of it.
 
Holding patterns are not bad or good inherently. As Morgan Harper Nichols said above, we have grown and we are growing. Life never stands still in all aspects.
 
I may have been in a holding pattern with regards my career in some ways for a good few years now; I haven’t actively pursued anything other than my goals as a parent, my personal health and wellbeing and my personal authenticity and growth. Yet, as a result, I am far from the same person that exited the corporate world when my children were young.
 
What may appear as a juxtaposition to Teal’s words about passively waiting for change, were words I read from Brad Spencer that also resonated:
 
“In our modern Society it may sound crazy to let go of control, but the ancient masters knew that it is often better to let nature take its course instead of try to control things. Everything is vibration and a calm, peaceful mind creates a vibration that allows for perfect harmony to manifest in our world. Take our hands off the wheel for a while and allow the world to shape itself.”
 
In truth I do not see these as contradictory, I see them as complimentary. There is a time for passivity, and a time for action. In creating anything new or any kind of change, it’s a process. That process usually begins with observation, with noticing what is and what isn’t, with what is wanted and what is unwanted.
 
There are so many facets to our lives, it would make sense that each one is in varying stages and degrees of reinvention. Certainly as I read Teal’s words about breaking free of holding patterns, it was the career aspect of my life that stepped forward, other aspects are a different phases and not calling me to make decisions.
 
What I have noticed is it’s the first time in a long time I’ve felt so called to action on that front, and – crucially - the timing feels right, not forced from any kind of panic. It is more that I have a sense that the career butterfly has emerged from its chrysalis and is drying its wings. It’s just the right time.
 
If I were to look back at this moment in time from my death and decide to take no action, I can only imagine many more negative ramifications than positive ones. Every stage of life builds on the previous one and – as Brad Spencer says – “You can only go ahead once you’re ready to use what you’ve learned in the past to create a future”.
 
As I was reminded while watching The Second Best Marigold Hotel this week “There is no present like the time”, meaning – as the movie’s director said – “that things don’t go on forever, and what life actually is and what its possibilities are have to be seized”. The contradiction is that, as Judi Dench’s character says “How many new lives can we have?” and the answer is “As many as we like, while we can”. 
 
So what in your life has been waiting in the wings? What aspect has been in a bit of a holding pattern and has the time has come to take action? You have the power to navigate life's crossroads. Enduring through challenges isn't merely about resilience; it's about recognizing when the time is ripe to break free from stagnant situations. Embracing change is a deliberate choice, harnessing the wisdom gained through experience to propel yourself forward into the uncharted territories of personal evolution.
 
If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy What to Do if You Feel Trapped By Your Circumstances, How to Break Free of Addictive Relationship Patterns, Honour Your Story but Free Yourself of Its Shackles, Break Free: The Honour, Privilege, Exhaustion and Horror of Being Mum and Autonomy – Break Free of Money Fears. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

As I was having lunch with a friend this week she was telling me about a broadcast she had watched with Pam Gregory, all about who you want to be this time next year. This piqued my interest because it’s not what I want to achieve or do, it’s about the kind of person I want to be.
 
This made for some interesting lunchtime conversation around the table. One person wanted to focus more on their self care and on having better boundaries, another wanted to be more present with the people they love more of the time without losing themselves, and I said wanted to feel more relaxed overall.
 
Given I’ve just moved home this might not be too hard comparing year on year but, in general, I want to feel my nervous system activated less often. It’s like the title of Richard Carlson’s book Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff and It’s All Small Stuff.
 
What I’ve discovered over the years is that knowing something like that in my mind isn’t sufficient to change my body’s responses. For years as kids we are surrounded by adults who have sufficient dominion over our lives that who we want to be often pales in comparison to who parents, teachers, coaches, friends, and other caregivers and influential leaders – especially as depicted in music and on our screens thin we should be.
 
So we grow up essentially trying to fit that mold or pretending that we do. That creates neurobiology that is so entrenched by the time we reach adulthood, it’s hard to change. Hard, not impossible, but it does require a lot of conscious focus as I have talked about in articles like Are the People You Surround Yourself With a Match to What You Want From Life? and Your Childhood Is Not Your Fault but It Is Your Responsibility.

But now I have a goal of being relaxed, that too adds another dimension to my decisions. The last time I moved house I don’t think I stopped until the house was fully unpacked and everything was just how I wanted it. In fact, it was pretty much all done and dusted in under two weeks.
 
This time I’m pacing myself. For example, quite aside of unpacking, my commitment to reflect on my personal growth and publish my weekly reflections is non-negotiable in my life. If I haven’t started writing it by publishing day, it usually becomes my main priority and focus. Not today. I woke up, got the kids ready and dropped them off, took a walk on the beach had lunch with a loved one and then caught up with some family.
 
Only now, late afternoon, am I reflecting on what’s captured my imagination this week. And in all of that the house had remained pretty much as it was when I awoke. I may unpack some boxes this evening, I may not.
 
I know some people take this approach quite naturally, but my strong preference is for a clutter free environment and my pattern of behaviour when unpacking is usually to work solidly for hours until the job is done. Having a lot of clutter makes me anxious and stressed, so teaching my body to take time out and relax while surrounded by temporary chaos is very much a conscious practice.
 
So who do you want to be this time next year? Do you have a desire to become a better version of yourself, to focus not just on personal achievements but on inner transformation? What can you do to support your evolution towards that? And what deeply ingrained patterns will you need to break free of in order to achieve your goals?
 
If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy When the Thing That Binds You is the Road to Freedom, What Are Our Thought Patterns Really Doing for Us?, Draw Solitude Around You Like a Warm Blanket - Get To Know Yourself and Who Are You Not to Pursue Your Dreams? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

My friend asked me today whether I was getting excited about my pending house move. While it’s only days away there are a lot of moving parts to making it happen and so I’m not sure I feel more than a glimmer of excitement at this point, it’s like a tiny flicker of light at the end of the tunnel.
 
That made me think about this time of year generally. The last couple of months have been crazy busy, house move aside, with the promise of the seasonal respite just on the horizon, it’s a familiar feeling. I don’t know if it’s because the birth of my children and my own birth all coincide with this time of year also, but the turning of the year has always felt like a potent time for me when it comes to reflection and new beginnings and creative energy.
 
I was reflecting on how I could get from where I am now (which is this crazy busy part, full of duties and obligations of parenthood) to a place of feeling more relaxed while standing in my power, when I was reminded that creative endeavors have the power to rejuvenate.
 
A few years ago, when I was talking to the kids’ healthcare practitioner about after-school activities, and how my kids were totally wrung out after school, she reminded me that doing things we love can give us more energy when we don’t feel obligated to do it.
 
So when I read words that were focused on being enthusiastic about a new endeavour and “having the energy to carry it through” I thought immediately of a project I’ve been working on and have had to lay down a few times in order to carry out my other responsibilities. Then I looked back at this time last year and reflected on how far I’d come despite the start/stop nature of it, and decided things are actually going pretty well.
 
Here is the thing, I have very little to show for my endeavours right now, but I know how much inner reflection, personal growth work and creative thinking has gone on and I feel very much more aligned and able to carry out my future vision and plans than I did this time last year.
 
It’s like the house I’ve watched being built across from the back of where I’m living, for months there was just an empty site, then there were materials delivered to the site and still nothing happened for many more months. Presumably in the background there were plans being drawn up, finances getting aligned, legalities to navigate, workers to line up and so forth.
 
Finally foundations were dug and laid, and slowly a frame went up. At first I thought from the frame it was going to be a single level house, but over time it became apparent that not only was it going to be a double story building, there are some other interesting expansive features that have resulted in quite an impressive build. Even now, the owners are not yet in, there is much work to be done now on the inside, those finishing touches before they get to live in it and make it their home.
 
And so it is with many creative endeavors I find, I need to cultivate the right motivation and qualities, to tap into my creativity, passion and ambition to succeed. And if that needs to happens over months, years or decades, I now realise that is okay.
 
At times it feels like motherhood has been a massive divergence from living my life purpose, or even in getting clear about what that was. But in truth it’s probably been more like the cracking open of the nut that needed to take seed in order to grow.

Taking brave steps towards a future that lies only in my imagination – and even then is only partly apparently – feels a bit like when Bilbo Baggins remarked in The Lord of the Rings “It’s a dangerous business, going out your front door”. Sometimes I have to push myself to take those small steps towards my vision and goals, and sometimes I don’t when I could, but that is okay, slow and steady often wins the race.
 
What about you, what are you compelled to do? What excites you most? Are you aware of how to access your own creative potential? Or willing to push yourself towards your objectives? If not, perhaps just learning those skills is the first step. Whatever it is, if you’ve been hesitating to move forwards, make the most of the seasonal reflection and downtime coming up to revisit your dreams, and take that first brave step towards a deeply meaningful and fulfilling life.
 
If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Who Are You Not to Pursue Your Dreams? You Know What’s Best for You, So Stop Giving Your Power Away, Trust That It’s Absolutely Okay to Not Know Where You’re Going, Life of Your Dreams? and Give Yourself the Gift of Presence to Relieve the Torture of Stress. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

“My hope for you is that you become the fullest expression of yourself.
 
This is the road to maturity.
 
I want you to know you can do hard things and facing bad feelings won't kill you, in fact it's the key to your best life.
 
The day you realise:

• you take full responsibility for your own feelings, without blame, shame or guilt being placed on others, and
• you let others have their own feelings without judgments or taking on any needless blame

 
is the day you are available to fulfill your potential and become the most authentic version of you.
 
After a hard day, take responsibility for your feelings and deal with life, it will make you stronger and more mature than any substance, drink, device or other distraction will.
 
Feel your feelings, name them, and own them. Every day.
 
Don't tap out. And if you do, be kind to yourself. Those who succeed in maturing into the fullest expression of themselves keep failing and keep getting back up.
 
The world needs more mature people. You can do this. I love you.”
 
I wrote this for my children, but it has been my personal mission for some time and my highest hope for humanity in this next period of human evolution.
 
I wrote it because they’re at an age and stage of curiosity about the things adults do, things that aren’t healthy, and particularly toxic and harmful to growing minds and bodies, like drinking and drugs and all the other things they can’t and shouldn’t do or try until they are older.
 
It made me think about what really is important, and certainly substance use isn’t something to be flippant or casual about. It's not something I do or support, but neither do I want to create big resistance to it, which will just make them more determined to try it because they see it in many places.
 
But toxic substances aside, I see many of our next generation tapped out on screens, not feeling their feelings. It’s the consumerist society; shopping and eating rubbish are in the quick dopamine hit category. Is that just a precursor?
 
We have a generation who have just been through a prolonged period of social isolation in their critical formative years of social and emotional development. Mental health issues are bound to be on the rise, and they are.
 
When I see what I saw in my own youth, the blatant hypocrisy of adults - be it in people I know, or on TV, or in the media, the hypocrisy of my youth alerts my nervous system “danger”, someone is trying to paint a distorted reality.
 
What comes to mind is “What you do speaks so loudly I cannot hear what you say”. Ralph Waldo Emerson's famous quote is as accurate and meaningful today as it was back in the 1800's. Many of us know it in its more generalized form: actions speak louder than words.
 
I am a truth teller and while those who have confused, undermined, disoriented and pulled the rug from under me in the past with their lies and hypocrisy have left an indelible mark on my life, that mark is now a reminder to ignore their nonsense and see through the distortion. 
 
But I also remember that to engage in unnecessary arguments is to shout at an empty boat. It is not necessary as I'm already standing on solid ground. 
 
What it boils down to for me as a parent is that it is natural for kids to be curious about things they see and hear about, particularly if they are not allowed those things. Making a big deal of it is only going to pique interest, but endorsing it isn’t the answer either.
 
For my own part, I try and practice what I preach, sometimes I fail, but I own it quickly these days. It’s not always been an easy journey; there have been some uncomfortable and downright painful moments over the years as life has reflected back to me aspects of myself through others that I need to look at.
 
My gran used to say “Oh to see ourselves as others see us”, which was a quote from a Burns’ poem where he essentially says in his fine Scots language is “To see ourselves as others see us would free us from many a blunder and foolish notion”. Over the years I have had those moments of seeing myself through others’ eyes, and it’s taught me not to judge others as much because I’ve been there myself.
 
So for all that, I am back where I started
 
“My hope for you is that you become the fullest expression of yourself.
 
This is the road to maturity.
 
I want you to know you can do hard things and facing bad feelings won't kill you, in fact it's the key to your best life.
 
The day you realise:

• you take full responsibility for your own feelings, without blame, shame or guilt being placed on others, and
• you let others have their own feelings without judgments or taking on any needless blame

 
is the day you are available to fulfill your potential and become the most authentic version of you.
 
After a hard day, take responsibility for your feelings and deal with life, it will make you stronger and more mature than any substance, drink, device or other distraction will.
 
Feel your feelings, name them, and own them. Every day.
 
Don't tap out. And if you do, be kind to yourself. Those who succeed in maturing into the fullest expression of themselves keep failing and keep getting back up.
 
The world needs more mature people. You can do this. I love you.”
 
If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How to Let Go of Your Attachment to Your Feelings, Expectations and Beliefs, Switch Focus to Get Unstuck,  Leverage Your Feelings to Find Your Authentic Self, How Exploring Mortality, Love, and Grief to Leads to Poignant and Profound Insights and Do You Always Express Your True Feelings? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I read a quote by Nicola Jane Hobbs this week who said:
“Growing up I never knew a relaxed woman, Successful women? Yes, Productive women? Plenty. Anxious and afraid and apologetic women? Heaps of them. But relaxed women? At ease women?  Women who aren’t afraid to take up space in the world? Women who prioritise rest and pleasure and joy? Women who give themselves unconditional permission to relax – without guilt, without apology, without feeling like they need to earn it? I’m not sure I’ve ever met a woman like that. But I would like to become one. I would like us all to become one.”

I’m sure many men would also resonate with aspects of that, and some women may not, but for me it was a take note moment that has led to a deeper reflection on navigating societal norms and parenting realities.

As my eldest born is crossing a Rubicon right now, traversing the road to her last years of required schooling, and we have been asked to write something for them. As I was doing that, I reflected on the archetype that is considered “normal” in our society.

I would describe it as the person who is physically very capable, who attends school and finds learning in the school system both enjoyable and fairly easy; someone who has their own opinions and can think for themselves once leaving the school system, yet doesn’t create waves within the system, in fact they shine as a beacon of the system’s success, passing exams and getting good comments from teachers because they are helpful and do not cause any issues or stress.

They are: compliant; have good manners, good attendance and good grades; are fully vaccinated; help when required; and grow up to make money for the systems. If they are female, they don’t show any aggression and, if they are male, they don’t show any emotions. Either way, show no weakness – with weakness defined as anything that doesn’t fall within the desirable archetype’s behaviours.

This norm is an aggregate of different aspects and, while there are no doubt people who can tick all those boxes, many fall outside of the norm in a least one or two aspects, and many can’t relate to any those things as being true and easy for them at all.  Most definitely “relaxed” is not a word I associate with any of it, and I suspect that is because many people are not being fully themselves in order to fit inside the norm.

So what I reflected for my eldest child is that it is my highest hope that they deeply discover what is true and authentic for them and live in accordance with that.

Then I was talking to a friend of a friend this week about the role of being a mother. Although I had become disenfranchised with the healthcare system in my early twenties, when it let me down in every way, it wasn’t until I became a mother that I well and truly butted up against the norms and systems, and it forced me into a choice to “come out” as me or continue to be so stressed and ill that I suffered a painful decline.

Again, I’m sure many men who have chosen to become full time parents may resonate with aspects of what I am about to say, but I can only speak from my own experience as a woman.

My first born was pregnancy number five, becoming a mum was not an easy road for me, but it was something innately felt I wanted and yearned for. What I had also envisaged was providing a stable home for my kids and bringing them up as a joint team. That did not happen.

Instead I birthed children and then realised that – while I am responsible for them – I do not have free rein to bring them up as I would like. In fact, I don’t even have the right to be a full time parent.

I think of it as miraculous that women can grow actual human beings inside us. After years of trying, I literally gave my
body and heart over to incubating and growing two new physical lives. Then, for the first six months, I watched in wonder and awe as their physical growth was entirely down to the milk my body produced.

As wondrous as it was, it was also grueling – especially being in my forties by then - and it literally sucked the life out of my physical and emotional reserves. There’s no recovery time, no spa break from being mum, and no community around to easily support each other in the way our species was designed to live.

I continued to feed my kids as they started eating solid food, and was fully responsible for their care and wellbeing for a decade. It wasn’t the team effort I had envisaged, instead it was a baptism of fire, coming up against every part of myself I’d denied and disowned and every mask I’d ever worn was ripped from my grasp.

When they started living part of the week with their father and part with me, it was both a welcome relief from the intensity and relentless nature of conscious hands on parenting, and an unequivocal stab to my heart. I fully support my children in having a relationship with their father, I always have, but I did not choose to – and never would have – given up half my time with my children as they are growing.

Of course that is only the physical hands-on time, it’s not that my parenting brain (which is concerned with their psychological, emotional and physical wellbeing, as well as all the events and commitments coming up) switches off. There are always things to organize and pitfalls to navigate.

My friend’s friend, who I have known for some time, has found herself working with women who are finding themselves navigating the legal system as they separate from partnerships that – if they weren’t toxic before - become toxic in the system. Having firsthand experience of this ourselves, it was an interesting and meaningful conversation.

She tells a story of the lawyer who was minimizing the role of a parenting in a mediation meeting. Being proud of her role as a parent, she pointedly asked the lawyer why she was trying to devalue the role. Then, as the ex spouse had a tantrum and left the room, she said to the lawyer words to the effect “Had he been parented with the kind of conscious care required to grow a mature adult, perhaps he wouldn’t be having a toddler tantrum right now”.

In this country, people who give up careers to look after children are supported in principle through a section of relationship law that recognises the economic inequity that causes (in terms of lost opportunity for career progression, building of retirement funds etc). However, in most cases it fails miserably to address the inequity and the stay-at-home parent is left floundering financially in comparison to their ex partner.

The government does not recognise parenting as a job in itself and only provide support for sole parents who are in other work or seeking other work.

Then I was trialing a questionnaire for a friend who is learning a new coaching technique, and it was all about motivation in your job. I considered doing this in relation to my coaching and consulting career, but decided instead I would do it with my role as a parent in mind.

I was asked about my top five positive emotions in regard to my job, and my top five negative emotions. The positive emotions all related to the honour and privilege it is to pave the way for little humans to grow in their journey of life. The negative emotions all relate to the sheer isolation and exhaustion of parenting in today’s society, and the requirements and expectations put on us by norms in government and healthcare systems especially.

I do not like “the nanny state” approach, I believe in the personal power and potential within all humans to be connected, conscious and responsible citizens. I particularly believe that it’s our entry into this world that can either cultivate a sense of this innate power or quash it altogether, leading to a win-lose mentality which is really a zero sum game.

We are all having fluoride added to our water here locally because the government “can’t trust” a portion of our society to use fluoride toothpaste regularly. Where does the intervention stop? I feel we are people being micromanaged on a vast scale using fear as the main tactic.

So in my reflections to my daughter I urged her – as I always do with my children - to be who they feel themselves to be. I’m not a renegade encouraging them to butt up against the systems, I want to be a relaxed woman remember, I can’t go to war and be relaxed.

I saw the Eight of Swords tarot card this week that depicts precisely what I’m pointing to. It depicts a woman who is bound and blindfolded, encircled by eight swords planted in the ground, that look like bars surrounding her. There are certainly methods for her to flee, but due to her blindness and tied arms, there is no way for her to do so securely.

Here was the advice given, wise words:
“Always remember that you have alternatives and that even being tied does not take away your power - the female has options, they're just not simple ones. Stop thinking or at least slow your thought process. The swords surrounding the woman represent the thoughts that are keeping her trapped and blinded to the truth of her circumstances. If you feel like your mind is racing and you can't slow down, take ten to fifteen minutes today to sit with your eyes closed and focus on just one thing. Whether it is your breathing or the sound of a fan in the room, focusing on something that is happening in the present moment will help you get out of your head so you can see things a little more clearly.”

I can see – clearly – what I don’t want, and I can orientate in a completely different direction. Some aspects of life are beyond my control and if I dwell on those too much I become frustrated and anxious. The best course of action is to focus on the one thing I do have control over, me.  

That is precisely where I encourage my children to focus, on themselves, their reactions and their inner world. And if they are casting their eyes and hearts to the future, envisage it as one where there are obvious and healthier alternatives to those that exist today. That is where my energy belongs, in the creation of the new, not fighting the old,
outdated things I cannot change.

While reflecting on societal norms and systems that confine individuals, particularly women, and the struggle faced in parenting and navigating these norms within predetermined archetypes and expectations, I advocate for authenticity.
What about you? Are you focusing on what you can control and envisioning a future with better alternatives, rather than being trapped by the limitations of existing systems? As author Scott Stabile says “Unlearn what you are not, and remember who you are... unlearn and remember… this is one path to freedom”.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy What to Do if You Feel Trapped By Your Circumstances, Do We Need to Better Understand the Pivotal Role of Parenting to Evolve?, Why Did I Not Know This About Parenthood?, You Have Amazing Options When it comes to Healthcare, Evolving Education, and Womanhood: A Story of Our Time. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.