Having had my share of unhappy relationships, both personally and some professionally, I’ve reflected a lot on the question of how to attract better relationships; ones that nourish rather than deplete me.

The key, I’ve decided, is in that word deserve and there are two angles to that.

The first is like mine, going about my life for years believing that - since I was attracting poor situations and behaviours - it must just be as good as it gets. I felt that, clearly on some level, I must be undeserving, or unlucky, or this is simply how life is.

The other angle, if I look at it from the perspective of some of the self centred people and circumstances I seem to have attracted, is that clearly there are people who go about their life fundamentally believing that others exist to serve their needs, the deserving manifests as a sense of entitlement without any conscience or consideration towards the rights and feelings of those others.

Of course there are all shades of grey in between these two angles, but it demonstrates a spectrum of sorts, along which people sit.

So, with this in mind, I was reading an article by Teal Swan about people who experience some sort of dishonour in their relationships (which inevitably stems from their childhood experiences) and come out with an attitude of wanting to be accepted “no matter what”. This effectively makes them the aggressor, perpetuating dysfunctional behaviour, and expecting unconditional love from another “no matter what” they do/don’t do or who they are/aren’t.

The juicy bit for me, was when Teal explained:
“It is important to beware that when we first get into relationships, we often do so by hiding the parts of ourselves that got us rejected before. But this means we are selling someone on something that isn’t the full truth of us. It is guaranteed that sooner or later, we will either bring out or switch into the part of us that we were hiding. And the other person will feel duped.”

She says that the what in “no matter what” is actually very specific; it is a specific thing, or multiple specific things that we need someone to want and value. The answer involves the very things about us that were rejected, not accepted, pushed away, unwanted, not valued, disapproved of and/or unloved.

Teal asserts “By figuring out what that specific thing is, we can improve our own relationship with that thing and then we can go about finding conscious and direct ways for that thing to be accepted, included, wanted, valued, appreciated and loved in compatible ways i.e. finding people who do want that. People, who can accept, include, value, appreciate and love that.”

So the real question, she says, is:

“Who is the me that I need people to want? Or what about me do I need people to want?”

This struck me in its simplicity, it makes so much sense.

In A Triumph of Authenticity - Can You Embrace the Totality of Your Being? I shared that I wrote in my journal, quite some time ago, “Imagine what it might feel like to be with a person who takes an interest in me, in what I think, do or feel, or someone who offers to do things for me, or someone who does stuff with pleasing me in mind.”

That had kicked off some soul searching about the aspects of myself I had rejected along life’s path. So instead I imagined a life in which I reflected and embraced the totality of who I am, especially in the way I interact with others. Today I am deeply grateful for my closest confidants who know and love me as the curious, deep thinker I am, which was the example I talked about.

But another aspect of me that has come to light recently, after having been shoved in a dark closest for too long, is the part of me that really likes to take my own sweet time going about things. As opposed to feeling constantly harangued and rushed, which actually triggers me into flight/fight or – most often - freeze.

When I took my kids away a couple of weeks ago, we rented a holiday home for the week in a beautiful area we had never visited before. It was lovely to just get up in the morning and take our time getting ready, deciding whether we wanted to go somewhere or not, or just hang out and relax.

When I think back to my childhood, rushing here and there was just part and parcel of life that involved school, training (I swam competitively), family commitments, and friends and so on. Really, I feel we live in a society that values productivity above all else, yet I find I am far more productive given space to allow my creative thoughts to wander untethered across the vast fields of possibilities in my mind.

Having and holding healthy boundaries has been revolutionary, to uncover my boundaries was a process, answering questions about my needs and desires. But this was a new angle, that helped me cross reference and sense check how I’m putting myself across.

I was laughing with some friends about the irony of all that I’ve attracted into my life in recent weeks, after saying how new relationships were not top of my agenda, in fact not particularly even on my radar, yet all that the universe seems to have served up is guidance about relationships in various guises.

That probably makes a huge amount of sense given I’m on the cusp of re-establishing my career and no doubt making many more new contacts and forging relationships in the months and years ahead.

I’m in no doubt that all the inner work I’ve done will pay dividends and help me recognise which relationships are compatible and which are incompatible. Especially without feeling the need to morph into someone else and to have the courage to let the incompatible ones go regardless of the opportunities i might be afraid I’ll miss.

I have learned the hard way, if there are red flags, pay attention. If someone seems unreasonable one time, fine, if it happens with regularity, they aren’t going to change. And if they treat other people badly, you won’t be the exception forever even if you are now.  

Watching other friends struggle in relationships where they are treated in ways that are far from blissful and are certainly not deserved, I can now appreciate how my closest friends felt watching me from the sidelines for years. Of course it’s also now gratifying for them to watch me step into authenticity.

One of my dearest friends told me the other day “How inspiring you are at this juncture Shona, I see you just going from strength to strength...Just love witnessing this bud beginning to bloom”.

That is what I want for everyone else too. We are all buds waiting to bloom, whether we are the oppressor or suppressed, people are in pain. Incompatible relationships serve to help us see ourselves just the same as compatible ones do, but they are more painful. Let’s stop the pain, and learn to attract the blissful relationships you actually deserve.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Simplify Your Life to Be Accepted and Loved as Your Authentic Self, Does Your Heart Long to Be Accepted for Being Just You?, Ask No One to Be Different So That You Can Feel Good, What Do the People in Your Life Have to Teach (Good and Bad)? and How Do I Honour What I Believe and Care Less What You Think? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I happened upon something I wrote in my journal quite some time ago “Imagine what it might feel like to be with a person who takes an interest in me, in what I think, do or feel, or someone who offers to do things for me, or someone who does stuff with pleasing me in mind.”

To be fair, these days I have close friends who reflect these things back to me, and I can’t deny I’ve experienced times in other relationships like this. However, I can also see the ways in which I’ve rejected myself over the decades and how that has been reflected back also.

A good friend recently asked what my wish list would be for a relationship; I responded that not only would I want someone who could deal with the totality of who I am but who would want to. This, I realise, starts with me being able to embrace the totality of who I am. If I can’t, if I reject parts of myself, then I’m unlikely to express them fully or positively and be embraced for them.

That got me wondering about the different aspects of myself that I’ve invited rejection around throughout my life. I don’t mean the one off comments, but patterns.

One glaringly obvious trait I seem to have done of good job of inviting rejection around is my deep, reflective nature. Most people I come across simply can’t do deep to the degree I do, some find it intimidating, others too serious or too intense.

My mum used to joke that I was born asking “why”. There were lots of things she would try to answer, but if I questioned her actions, authority, decisions or beliefs that was where I would meet a dead end - as many kids do – with the phrase “because I said so”. Enter stage left obedience, self doubt and people pleasing characteristics.

The breadth and depth in my perception of life is, I think, largely driven by my felt experience of life being about far more than that which my physical senses recognise. This kind of conversation was a non starter in my childhood home. Both my parents had rejected the religion of their childhoods and, along with it, any interest or discussion about the spiritual aspects of life.

In some ways this was to my benefit as it really sent me on a journey of discovery. When I was working in Spain during the summer of 1991, my dad jokingly asked in a letter “So, have you figured out the meaning of life yet?” In short, at age nineteen, no, I hadn’t. But figuring out the meaning behind so many aspects of life is something I revel in.

I’ve since come to understand we are all different expressions of one thing, one energy – love, if you will - split and fractured in a bid to get to know itself, and ultimately seeking unity. This I see reflected in human existence where people reject parts of themselves and each other, yet I figure we are all connected and so what I reject in you, I reject in me.

I also believe every action creates a reaction and those ripples across the cosmic pond are all connected. So there isn’t a single thing I couldn’t wonder “why” about. It could be as simple as a mix up in an order, a physical ailment, an unhelpful conversation, a run in with another, or government decisions, or even natural disasters. On the other side of the coin, it could be an unexpected gift, an achievement, a compliment or an amazing holiday; the “why” of it all is fascinating, even if it’s only obvious in retrospect.

This is far from the life and world in which I was brought up, which was far more focused on physical outputs and productivity, manners, rules and convention, and intellectual pursuits so long as they were related to something mainstream. Therefore my deep nature isn’t one I embraced within myself, in some ways I felt like something was wrong with me for not just accepting life at face value and I always aspired to be more carefree.

So it’s no surprise I attracted relationships where my depth of wonder and conclusions about life and its serendipities was not generally appreciated. Yet I can see I’m not alone. The global wellness industry, including spiritual self care, had apparently grown to $4 trillion in 2020, so there are obviously a lot of people out there who think along similar lines to me.

Recently I was having a conversation with an old friend who told me they just can’t do so much deep. For me, it was a mark of my progress to recognise this wasn’t a rejection of me, and nor did I feel I had to bend to another’s shape; it was simply a mismatch of preferences and traits, all of which are valid and valuable in their own ways.

I think it was Abraham-Hicks I once heard warning against getting too prescriptive about how what I want in life is delivered. If I desire that another person be a particular way, I am setting myself up for failure as I don’t control others or circumstances and it is not necessary to, nor is it healthy. Instead if I just imagine what I do want in my life without assigning it to any particular person or circumstance, and imagine having it, I’ll be far more successful.

So instead I imagine a life in which I reflect and embrace the totality of who I am in the way I interact with others, having and holding healthy boundaries. Accepting life at face value is no longer something I aspire to, although I trust in life at this level because I have faith that everything in the wider context is always working out and evolving, and that assuredness comes from my deeper curiosity and understanding. 

Today I am deeply grateful for my closest confidants who know and love me as the curious, deep thinker that I am, and who can not only go the rounds of introspection and speculation about the why’s and wherefore’s of life but can drive their own conversations in that regard. I am also grateful for those in my life who live life on a lighter note, but who also enjoy embracing the depths from time to time when in my company. Life is a lovely mix of all of it and I look forward to more.

What aspects of yourself have you rejected along life’s path? Can you imagine how it would feel to embrace the totality of your being and have others reflect that back to you? It would certainly be a real triumph for authenticity and a sure fire way of living your best life.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How Do I Honour What I Believe and Care Less What You Think?, How to Receive and Be More Confident in Your Needs, Desires and Opinions, Embrace Your Authentic Self, Shed the Toxic People in Your Life and How Living Your Passions Fully Combats Feeling Lonely. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Perhaps you do not understand
This thing you think funny, where it will land?
It hits a spot deep down inside
I feel myself recoil, wanting to hide
If I tell you my story will you then comprehend?
Or will what is between us lie cold on the floor my friend?
 
Too deep, too much, I hear you say
Well, that no longer touches me, no longer holds any sway
For all my life I have made myself small
Bent and shrunk my shape instead of standing tall
So serious, you say, lighten up
Take a chill pill, relax Buttercup
Yours is the drum beat of a familiar song
One where the other tries to make me wrong
Wrong for standing up for what I believe
Yet in my heart I grieve
For do you not see when you make fun of another
It is not comical, it is denigration of your sister or brother
 
This time it was female anatomy
Inviting shame not flattery
Others have found it funny you say
That may be, but perhaps they are misguided in the same way?
The young girl that I was, was warned of this crap
Mother told me, “beware, men want nothing but sex, it’s a trap”
That young girl was fed a lie in a way
But the young boy that was you also fell prey
You were taught to belittle and laugh at another
To joke about that which would otherwise flourish and flower
Stuck in old patterns we grew up to the beat of the same drum
But let’s set aside what was taught by uncle, dad or mum
We can be different and break the chain
Not be the one that keeps on dealing out endless pain
Revise what is funny, if it comes at the expense of another
It hurts us all, sister and brother
Compassion is where it truly is at
Anything else will simply fall flat
 
Well... that is my truth, I have no real wish to make you wrong
For in my having a go we are singing the same song
I have to laugh at myself ranting and raving
Indignation at being made to feel wrong created a craving
I only wish for you to understand
Where what you found funny would actually land
You are me and I am you
Reflections of the other in some insane human brew
Perhaps it is time to take another peep
At something in which I’d rather steep
“Each to their own” I hear myself say
Let’s find some fun in something we both see as play
For when I allow myself to let go and laugh
Especially at myself on this crazy path
I find we are more alike than I’d often own
But when I do, my heart feels like it has come home
 
If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy some of my other poems, or articles like How Do I Honour What I Believe and Care Less What You Think?, How to Receive and Be More Confident in Your Needs, Desires and Opinions, Embrace Your Authentic Self, Shed the Toxic People in Your Life and How Living Your Passions Fully Combats Feeling Lonely. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

A friend of mine was relating what a beautiful New Year’s Eve she had had with a few special friends and they each chose a word for 2022, which got me thinking about my own word for 2022. Simplicity was the one I landed on, and it’s certainly come through as a theme this week in my life.

Many years ago, a mentor of mine talked about the need to make space and let go of things in order for the new to arise. I thought about this again when I read a recent observation from Teal Swan that most people are so overwhelmed and stressed out right now, managing the multitude of interconnected elements of their lives, that they are stretched to the limit.

It’s her view that a mass move towards simplification will happen naturally, out of sheer necessity, as people are pushed to the distress/overwhelm breaking point. She says “At its essence, to simplify is to strip away the nonessential; so as to be able to put your focus, time, energy and action on the things that matter the very most to you”.

Having had the last week of the year to myself, which is the most me-time I have had in years, I really got a definite sense of how burdened I can feel by my usual day-to-day responsibilities. Of course, being in the middle of a separation also brings its own complexities and thus opportunities to simplify, as well as the social restrictions imposed by governments and the opportunities to simplify that exist around that.

Certainly during lockdowns I have used the time to go through all my physical belongings and radically declutter, especially the boxes of stuff in my attic. I’m also looking forward to the split of households to let go of even more. I have found simplifying physical things to be cathartic and relatively straight forward, and therefore a good place to start.

But lockdowns have also given me the opportunity to get a felt sense of release from social obligations, and I have very clearly noticed the areas in my life where I was doing things out of a sense of duty only, and have begun to set healthier boundaries around these.

Teal’s advice is “In order to simplify, you have to be completely honest with yourself and others about your values and how they are prioritised. No person can tell you what your values should be because no one can tell you what should be most important to you.”

That said, I can – at times - find it tricky to distinguish what I do actually value from unhealthy embedded beliefs. Many unhelpful beliefs still lurk from childhood experiences that led to ingrained people pleasing behaviours, enmeshment trauma, codependent ways of relating and perfectionism to name a few.

Yet, as much as experiences with people can create complexity on many levels, I suspect is it only through interacting with people that I will also get more clarity on what else I have to simplify within me, and it would certainly be a lonely experience without other people in my life.

A friend of mine sent me a photo of something he had read which he thought would appeal to me, I think it’s from A Course in Miracles:

“To hold a grievance is to let the ego rule your mind. No one alone can judge the ego truly. Yet when two or more join together in searching for truth, the ego can no longer defend its lack of content. Our union is therefore the way to renounce the ego.”

As I said a few years ago in The People Who Hurt Us Are Vehicles for Our Growth: “It’s no coincidence that we form relationships with people who trigger us. We are drawn to people who are – in some way – a match to our own issues, and they both challenge us and help us heal and grow.”

So much of my personal growth has come from recognising the dysfunctional thoughts, beliefs and behaviours I had cultivated. And, as I have grown, my friendships and relationships have changed, attracting new challenges. I get a strong sense that there is still more to clear out.

Someone was telling me that one of the first things people learn in AA is “keep it simple”. We had been discussing various concepts and I jokingly said “why would I use 200 words when 2000 will do”, acknowledging I have a tendency to delve deep into things which can lose a lot of people.

Words have been my go-to for so long, keeping me safe in the same way a buffer of any kind creates space between me and being hurt, it’s a hard habit to break despite it fuelling a sense that I am too much for other people.

But words are just one facet of it, feelings and insecurities are another. I became conscious this week in dealing with a shy person that I have a propensity to overshare my own feelings in order to attempt to make them feel safer to express their own feelings. But if I’m honest with myself, I don’t give people enough space to actually do that, scared of the silence that brings an opportunity for rejection.

I also notice that when I share something with someone about my own feelings (when it’s actually their feelings I’m interested in) instead of asking them the question directly, it’s possibly because I am scared about seeming too needy. This is another dysfunctional pattern arising from old hurts and old habits.

The next lines in that excerpt from A Course in Miracles are quite beautiful, it says “The truth in both of us is beyond the ego. You believe that without the ego, all would be chaos. Yet I assure you that without the ego, all would be love”. In simple terms that translates to me as worrying about something makes it worse, trust is paramount.

So to simplify my life from an emotional standpoint, I have to continue to be radically honest with myself about my motives in the way I interact. I then have to learn new skills and practice them, which is likely to be kind of clunky at first. That creates another fear in itself, of looking stupid or inviting rejection. Rejection of a false self is one thing, rejection of my true self is quite another.

And yet, another possibility exists. That is the possibility that by simplifying on every level of my being, and by offering up my authentic self in each interaction, my true self will not only be accepted, it will be loved.

A simple truth occurs to me at this point, is it not better to lose those people who reject my authentic self than to continue to feed the illusion of the false self in order to not lose those people? This has come at a huge cost – my happiness. And, on the flip side, what would it feel like to attract into my life those who resonate with the true expression of who I am?

Yes simplicity on every level is the way to go in 2022 for me.

What would benefit from the process of simplifying in your life? Is it time to strip away the nonessential; so as to be able to put your focus, time, energy and action on the things that matter the very most to you, and to be accepted and loved for more of who you truly are?

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How Do I Honour What I Believe and Care Less What You Think?, How to Receive and Be More Confident in Your Needs, Desires and Opinions, Embrace Your Authentic Self, Shed the Toxic People in Your Life and How Living Your Passions Fully Combats Feeling Lonely. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog

A whole week to myself, I haven’t had so much me-time in over fifteen years, and it’s been an absolute tonic.

One of my friends asked, as we headed into 2022, what my objectives are. On the cusp of my fiftieth birthday, it really feels like I am stepping into the second part of my life which – in many ways – will be quite contrary to the first part. As much as the first half century amounted to giving away my personal power, the second half is about fully embodying and embracing my personal power and settling for nothing less than I deserve in all respects.

Those are some great words, but as another friend said in frustration of her own personal growth journey “how?”

Setting an intention is one thing but making it happen requires a mixture of new skills, awareness, patience and fortitude. I happened to be listening to a video from Brianna McWilliams, a therapist who specialises in helping those with insecure attachment styles, talking about three things needed to get the best from relationships of all kinds, from personal to professional.

She says that, particularly for people pleasers with an open heart attachment style, it’s about:

• Learning to receive (rather than just give)
• Learning to have and hold good boundaries
• Learning to self advocate (express my opinion and own the fullness of who I am)

She makes the point that “People pleasers don’t know how to receive because they don’t want to be burdensome or dependant on another person’s generosity; because generally that generosity has come at a cost in the past and makes us suspicious. So remaining in a giving position keeps us in control but also makes us thoroughly unavailable”.

In situations when others offer to do something for me and I say “It’s okay thanks, I’ve got it”, she says that it isn’t about whether I’m capable of the task, it’s about letting other people in to be able to show their appreciation and love.

“Okay” I thought, that’s one objective then. Certainly when I hear someone offering to do something for me, it might take quite a bit of practice to allow them to. Because also attached to this is the desire for perfection. Again, not because I personally value perfection – in fact I would argue there is no such thing – but because striving for it was always a way to get ahead of any critics.

As a wise friend said “strive for progression not perfection”. To progress, I recognise I am so independent that it would be wise to ask my closest confidants to help me become aware at times when I am shutting people out from opportunities to contribute to my life.

When it comes to boundaries, I’m already on the right track. That said, I hadn’t heard about having personal boundaries until fairly recently in the scheme of things, and I still have a way to go, especially on being really specific about what I want – I still have a tendency to be too vague and accommodating.

This is particularly true of people who tell me what they are going to do (rather than ask me) when it is something that involves me, which I still find a little jarring. The trick is, I believe, is to respond as if they had asked my opinion and be very specific in stating my own preferences. People who act like this, I’ve found, are generally as poor at knowing and stating their own boundaries as I am, but come at it from a position of entitlement rather than subservience.

“Boundaries are guidelines for how someone relates the self to the rest of the world. They are rules of conduct built out of a mix of beliefs, opinions, attitudes, past experiences and social learning. Personal boundaries operate in two directions, affecting both the incoming and outgoing interactions between people. Personal boundaries help to define an individual by outlining likes and dislikes and what is right for them personally or wrong for them personally. Defining these things helps us to know how we will and won’t allow ourselves to be treated by others”  - Teal Swan

There are some great resources out there for learning this skill, my go-to is Boundary Boss by Terri Cole, an amazing book, and this podcast is a fantastic introduction to the topic. There are many other resources, the inimitable Teal Swan has taught a lot about boundaries from a number of perspectives and is great to listen to or read, and Yvette Rose also has her own slant.

As an objective, while I have had a good introduction to this concept and some good practice, I still have a way to go in mastering this skill. Again, trusted confidants and mentors are those I rely upon with my vulnerabilities around this.

Lastly there is self advocacy, an interesting topic. One example Brianna gave was about expressing a personal opinion, particularly if it’s contrary to an expert or mainstream opinion. Anyone who knows me knows that I have little difficulty in doing this. However, what they may not know is the whole twisted inner landscape that goes with it.

As another friend, also a recovering people pleaser, said “That’s fecking hard to do without wondering if you’ll hurt someone or worrying about what people’s opinions are etc”. Indeed. Not caring what someone thinks or feels is not where I want to head, but I don’t want to abandon myself in the process of trying to fulfil others’ desires, that is the unhealthy part.

And of course self advocacy is also about putting oneself forward, something I have an opportunity to relook at right now as I orientate myself towards making an independent income again. I have had a bad habit of making myself seem smaller to avoid looking too big for my boots. In fact I’ve probably constricted so much I’ve been rattling around inside my proverbial boots, lost in the darkness for years.

In my alone time this week, my inner voice reminded me to breathe life into the fullness of who I am. I’m not just a writer, or a pursuer and facilitator of personal growth, or an all-things strategically people related business consultant I’m all those things and more.     

In fact, these beautiful words came to me:
“You are a life that has known itself in pieces, and the pain of holding those pieces apart from themselves, but at the same time you are the life of everything in synchronicity. There is only love and resistance to love, that is everything. If you let go - you will see that the pieces cannot do anything but integrate when in the flow, they only fracture in resistance”.

I recognise the truth of that in all of us. It relates directly to what Tony Robbins said “Inside of you, there are parts of you that are incredibly gracious and generous, but there is also a part that is selfish. We all have loving parts and not so loving parts, playful parts and boring parts, courageous parts and fearful parts”.

Then he said poignantly, “The real question is not Who are you? The real question is Which part of you is in charge right now?”

So when it comes to self advocacy, I think it’s as much about putting on my big girl pants and being brave as I go about breaking the old patterns of staying small. I believe we each have a lot to offer and it can be many things to many people. I certainly would like to do a little bit of this and a little bit of that, it keeps my life interesting and fulfilling.

As I was reminded this week, looking back on 2021, if all that happened was that I just feel a bit better about myself, or I became clearer about what I truly need to be happy and healthy or I uncovered some of the things that truly matter to me and have taken steps towards living according to them, then – as Teal Swan says - “Congratulations you have attuned yourself to the bigger picture”.

Evolution, growth and inner work are journeys that require time, commitment and effort. So as you step into 2022, in what ways can you learn how to receive more? And what steps can you take towards becoming more confident around asserting your own needs, desires and opinions? This world is not only waiting for you to step into the fullness of who you are, it needs us each to do this. Let us take small steps together.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How Do I Honour What I Believe and Care Less What You Think?. Your Mind Will Try to Protect You By Resisting Your Healthy Boundaries, Empower Yourself - When a Difficult Reaction Sends You Into a Tailspin, Do You Need to Heal Your Boundaries? and How Living Your Passions Fully Combats Feeling Lonely. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.