What Do You Want From Your Relationships - Time to Take an Inventory?

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By relationships here I am talking about all relationships; those I have with my children, clients, romantic relationships, friendships and so forth.

Something I read this last week, that really resonated with me, was talking about how most people treat their passions like side shows in their life and – as a result – do not feel free. It said “Instead of living authentic lives that align with our wants, needs, values and passions, we discipline ourselves instead to do what is uninspiring, irksome, boring or menial in pursuit of some reward or avoidance of some pain”.

The challenge was to write down a list of things I didn’t want to keep doing, situations I don’t want to experience, people I don’t want to see or spend time with, unhealthy foods I’ve been eating and negative thoughts I’ve been telling myself. As I did this, I was also diving deep into a module on relationships in an attachment theory course I’m studying.

I have shed some pretty unhealthy relationships these last couple of years, leaned a lot about my own needs, values, wants, desires, passions, talents, priorities and so forth, and how to have and hold healthy boundaries around these.
However, I am also aware that unhealthy patterns don’t just disappear overnight, I haven’t just instantly leapt from insecure attachment to secure attachment or from hyper attuned to others to a consistently more balanced attunement towards my inner world, it requires an ongoing commitment to keep learning from my circumstances and how I’m navigating life.

So I felt called to look again at my relationships and how things are shaking out as I am applying everything new I’m learning. Because really it’s not just about the people I want to see or spend time with, it’s also about what I want from each of those types of relationships.

With one friend, for example, I realise I’ve been investing too much in the potential of the relationship rather than the reality. In other circumstances this friendship could develop into a romantic partnership, so the boundaries have become a little blurred at times. It’s been time to pull back a little and reassess the place and priority they take in my life.

Talking to another friend of mine who has been navigating a post break up relationship with their ex over the last few years, they were saying that although they had tried to remain friends, the ex – who had since moved on and remarried – was clearly crossing old boundaries and my friend had had enough and felt disrespected.

Terri Cole, author of Boundary Boss, often talks about who we let into our VIP area. I think this is a good distinction to make for relationships that could be (or used to) be close but either current circumstances do not permit it or we don’t want that. Both my friend and I were approaching the same dilemma from different angles, but we both needed to adjust our level of intimacy and boundaries relative to those people.

Talking to another friend this week I was also reflecting on how I’d never really been taught about healthy relationships. In terms of romantic partnerships I was more taught that love was something mysterious and “you’ll just know” when it’s the right person.

But what I’ve come to realise now that I’ve been round the loop a fair few times, is that feeling of “just knowing” is more associated with a strong attraction which can be fuelled by many things from old trauma patterns to physical chemistry and everything in between.

The point that has been driven home to me in recent years is that compatibility is a much better predictor or longevity and healthy relationships. In the coursework I’ve been working through on Briana MacWilliams course, she provides a handy matrix for helping determine different dimensions of compatibility that most people value. I worked through an exercise to rate how much I personally value each of these dimensions, and what my beliefs and fears may be in relation to each one.

We were looking at factors such as:

• Domesticity – how well you both contribute to the day to day routines and necessary functions of the home
• Affection – the importance of physical affection outside of sexual connection
• Generosity – a willingness to be generous towards each other without feeling depleted, taken advantage of or manipulated

And aside of these, things like admiration, sexual chemistry, cultural backgrounds, future goals, intimacy needs, entertainment, intellectualism, humour and spirituality come up commonly. For me I’d add:

• Maturity – awareness of unhelpful behaviour patterns and an ability to work through conflict healthily

I’ve learned that there really are no right or wrong needs, values, priorities and so on, what’s important though is compatibility if I’m looking for health and longevity of a relationship.

And while that is relative to a relationship at the most intimate end of the scale, where an ability to hold each other in equal regard is all important, it also led me to think about my role as a parent in relationship with my children where – certainly the younger and more dependent on me they were – there is less reciprocation.

It was my birthday recently and several people lamented how hard it must be not having my children with me on my birthday (they were having summer holidays with their dad), I have to be honest and say “are you kidding???”

Until last year I was generally wholly responsible for my kids care 24/7, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. There was very little downtime, mainly when they were at school, but the rest of the time my attention was usually focused outwardly on them. I understand there are some people who take to this like a duck to water, but I was exhausted.

After years and years of trying to have children, and four failed pregnancies, the younger years when they were breastfeeding, then mobile, then issues like trying to integrate into kindergarten and schooling, discovering dyslexia and dealing with constant meltdowns, I was doubtless burnt out.

While I’m extremely glad I got to hold and navigate my children through their early childhood, as they enter adolescence it is certainly not without some measure of relief that there is now shared responsibility for their care and I get periods of time where I can focus more inwardly and on progressing my own life.

At the start of adolescence my kids are still wholly dependent on their parents, but as we all navigate the years ahead, adolescence will take them into adulthood where they will becomes wholly responsible for themselves.  My job is therefore to progressively give them more responsibility and help them become ready for that. And part of that is an almost constant redefining of boundaries, my own in regrd to my relationships with them included.

As we step more fully into this new year, where are each of your relationships relative to what you truly want from them? Are there people you no longer want to see or spend time with? And, of those you do, what changes can you make so that your individual needs more closely match with the demands of the relationship? For as my friend and I reminded each other “what we allow is what we will get”.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Learning the Fundamentals of More Healthy and Balanced Relationships, Are You Ready for More Healthy Relationships? Relationships are Just a Series of Moments – True Love Lies Within, How to Attract the Blissful Relationships You Actually Deserve and Great Relationships Happen When You Put You First. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.