How to Fulfil Your Long Desired Yearning for Belonging

Image by sare7 from Pixabay

I was contemplating this idea of belonging as I took a walk along the beach, and wondered whether in order to feel a sense of belonging we have to first belong to ourselves?

Reflecting on my own life I recognised how I had flitted between relationships, jobs and places. Often simultaneously I stayed too long with people and places I had outgrown, due to an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and loyalty and a fear of starting over.

Certainly I have started over often enough now to know everything is possible. But I also remember years ago when I worked in the Railways in the UK, working alongside people who had been there their whole life. To me it was obvious that there were also those of us who were cycling through but I did feel a yearning for that feeling of belonging.

So I thought I’d look at this more deeply by working through the approval exercise I talked about in How to Attract People Who Love You the Way You Are: Accept and Approve of Yourself. I did this to become more aware of the subconscious benefits to being alone/not belonging that rang true for me. Here was the list I came up with:

• Perhaps I did not come to belong to “what is”, perhaps I came to create a new place of belonging
  
• Knowing what I don’t want has helped me to define more of what I do want
  
• If I don’t belong I can criticise without feeling a sense of responsibility (!)
  
• There are fewer expectations on me
  
• I can remain more fluid, free to go where my energy wants to
  
• I can avoid conflict more easily (!)
  
• I can keep my energy pulled inward
  
• I can avoid creating appropriate structures and support that would enable me to get my gifts and talents out into the world
  
• I don’t have to get to know the needs and concerns of too many people because then I would feel responsible for helping fix them (!)
  
• I don’t have to learn the cultural norms of groups or communities and engage within them, which feels like an energy drain
  

There were a few ah-ha moments in there, and I can also see a lot of these are just old stories relating to and arising from the people pleasing, codependent, poor boundaried me. Due to my misguided beliefs about relationships arising out of my childhood and younger years, I gave my all in a handful of situations throughout life that just about drained my life force.

So I turned to my favourite resource on dysfunctional patterns to look for some ideas about how to more forward and embrace a sense of belonging, some of which I have already adopted, here is what resonated:

• Get to know the needs and concerns of those around me, appreciating the value of just listening and understanding over giving advice and solving problems (this actually feels like a weight lifted off my shoulders)
  
• Volunteer my skills and talents for the benefit of a group
  
• Cultivate relationships with particular physical environments and “sacred” spots that serve to ground me
  
• Foster a deep connection with myself, checking in frequently to notice and name feelings, needs and desires (so I’m “with” myself)
  
• Develop a capacity to share these with others in a way that allows them to see/feel me 
  
• Grow the ability to ask for support in ways that help others understand exactly what I need from them and how they might give that to me
  
• Cultivate the ability to recognise and appreciate the many ways people extend connection and care even when they feel somewhat foreign or superficial to me
  

This week I’ve been doing a 5-day study challenge with Briana MacWilliam on courageous communications. This has been a well worthwhile endeavour to really embed some of the skills I’ve been learning in recent years around communicating boundaries and how different things are important for people with different attachment styles (depending on how much closeness or distance they need in order to feel safe).

So yes, there has been and is ongoing work involved, but each time I have the courage to approach things in new ways – especially when I am willing to get vulnerable about my own feelings and communicate those in a way that are authentic rather than defensive, while being mindful and adapting to how such emotional honesty might land – a little bit more of the inner me starts to shine outward.

The more of me that shines from the inside out, the more chance I give others to see and accept the real me, which is what, I believe, will fulfil the long desired yearning for belonging.

For those who, like me, who feel that they don’t belong, I will share a few words about the deeper truth of this as written by Claire Zammit and Katherine Woodward Johnson in relation to actualising belonging:

• I deeply care about others and making a contribution that is of benefit to the whole
  
• I am a unique and essential citizen, my contribution and authentic self expression is essential to the wellbeing of all
  
• I am a pioneer, venturing into uncharted territory as a leader and trailblazer
  

So what benefits are there/have there been for you in not belonging? And are you ready to let us see you and help you build a world in which you can be authentic and accepted for who you really are?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Loneliness – Meet the Most Important Person in Your Life, Are You Ready for More Healthy Relationships?, Expand Your Emotional Vocabulary to Get Your Real Needs Met, How Living Your Passions Fully Combats Feeling Lonely, Is It Time to Let Go of the Idea That You Are Needed? Embrace Being Wanted and Learning the Fundamentals of More Healthy and Balanced Relationships. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.