What Makes You Feel Uncomfortable and Is It a Growth Opportunity?

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I’ve noticed lately how sarcastic I have been and suspect it’s because I revisited my roots in the UK recently, sarcasm and self depreciation were definitely two tenets of my upbringing. Fortunately my partner finds my commentary quite amusing most of the time but when I made a comment about something being nice recently and he asked “Are you being serious?” I thought perhaps it’s time to be a bit more mindful of getting those old patterns back under control.

Then I was listening to an interview with Maggie Smith, author of the poem Good Bones that went viral in 2016, being interviewed about her memoir called You Could Make This Place Beautiful. She was being asked about what inspires her to write and she was saying that she often hears, sees, smells, touches or tastes something that captures her attention and notes it down. Later when she revisits it, the things she writes about that naturally snowball from that initial thought are often things that make her uncomfortable.

My sarcasm and self depreciation are such things.

But I was quite literally immersed in a culture of these for a long time. They’re so familiar and comfortable, so easy to slip into it, yet really sarcasm is a very passive aggressive way of poking fun and criticizing and self depreciation can keep people small.

That said it has been many years since sarcasm was my predominant mode of communication, having spent a long time living with someone where - if I ever delivered a mere whiff of anything remotely critical - it wouldn’t go well if I was sarcastic, so then I learned to remain silent much of the time. This does nothing to help create healthy boundaries.  

I also have a difficult relationship with self depreciation. While trying to make oneself, your abilities or your achievements seem less important, seems to be the accepted modus operandi in many cultures, it doesn’t actually make it easy to speak confidently or feel as confident about any of those things.

That lack of confidence again feeds into poor boundaries, one of the biggest unhealthy patterns I’ve been learning to overcome in recent years. It also feeds into difficulties in promoting the kind of help I can offer people; the skills, abilities and experience that can make a difference in other’s lives.

It’s interesting to reflect on these things that seemed so natural when I was growing up, and the ways in which those habits really keep me from fully, healthily and confidently expressing myself and living my best life. And also how many people I may have inadvertently insulted along the way?

One analogy Maggie Smith made was how all these versions of us are still in there, like a set of Russian dolls. The goal is to integrate them so they are a unified whole rather than warring factions. Since I find it uncomfortable to confront my sarcasm, it tells me I haven’t achieved the kind of inner peace I’d like with that part of me.

The same when it comes to any self depreciating behaviour. It is the fear of being seen to display opposite behaviours – like being seen as cocky, overbearing or, worst of all, bigheaded – that drives me to the opposite end of the spectrum. It would be more balanced to cultivate a healthy sense of confidence and have humility.

Further on in her interview, Maggie was talking about life as a single parent and main caregiver and was asked about the lessons she’d learned from the breakdown of her marriage and whether her reflections in writing her memoirs had led her to imagine the type of partner and relationship she would now like.

As she was responding, a younger version of me resonated with her when she talked about preferring to live separately to another partner as – while she is solely responsible for the house and kids that gives her clarity in what she is responsible for and doesn’t allow resentment to occur.

That was exactly how I had felt too a couple of years ago, but it makes for a lonely existence. Maggie said she doesn’t trust that her unhealthy caregiving patterns not to kick in again. That is great recognition and honesty. However, it also helped me see that this was an area of my own life that once upon a time would have also made me uncomfortable.

Nowadays, after doing work on learning about and cultivating secure attachment, learning about my own needs, wants and desires, learning about boundaries and how to hold conversations to communicate about them and hold them, now I feel more comfortable and confident about cohabiting again in the future.

What I also feel very comfortable with is feeling uncomfortable. I see it as a sign that there is something juicy for me to look at. It doesn’t mean I’ll be able to leap right in and change my response at the outset, but it does indicate there’s something for me to look at, perhaps some skills I need to learn, or risks I need to take in order to grow and live my best life.

In the last few weeks, what are the sorts of things that have come up for you and made you feel uncomfortable? Why do they make you uncomfortable? If you could wave a magic wand would you like to feel more confident about that? Perhaps life is presenting you with an invaluable growth opportunity, will you take it?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How Would It Feel to Have More Ease, Joy and Flow in Your Life?, The Almighty Growth Opportunity in Dealing With Emotionally Unavailable People, Are You Willing to Take Your Sovereignty While Allowing Other People Theirs? and Normal Is Dysfunctional That Is the Growth Opportunity. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.