Looking Back to See the Clues to Your Destiny

Novelist Mary H K Choi writes in Emergency Contact “Penny believed with her whole heart that there were moments - crucial instances - that defined who someone was going to be. There were clues or signs, and you didn't want to miss them.” 

In my search for purpose, I notice there are many signs that give me insights when I choose to see them.

I was at a parent education talk last week about the changes kids go through in their ninth or tenth year. It’s a significant time in child development terms, a big step into the world of critical enquiry and independence, leaving the realm of imagination behind and being more concerned with their sense of I.

In the course of the talk, Heinrich Schliemann (a pioneer in the field of archaeology in the 1800’s) was mentioned in relation to his discovery of Troy. This had been an obsession of his since the age of nine. In the book Encountering the Self: Transformation and Destiny in the Ninth Year, Hermann Koepke talks of Schliemann as an example (among many others) of how a fateful encounter at that crucial age defines a destiny.

This got me intrigued as – when asked what we remembered about our own childhoods at that age - I drew a blank. I have many memories that span the range of those early school years, but I’d struggle to place them in any age order and nothing immediately sprang to mind as significant.

Yet a few days later, as I was driving somewhere, suddenly a memory popped into my head. It was me emphatically stating to my mum that my aunt was not allowed to tell me what to do (I’m guessing she obviously had), stipulating only my parents were allowed to do that. While I clearly recognised my dependence on them for survival at that age, I also knew I was not giving them a lifetime pass.

Mum used to paint a picture of my toddler years defined by the statement “I will do it my own self”. Independence, more accurately freedom, was of innate importance. So I suspect it is no coincidence that almost forty years on I’m writing about liberating the true self from the shroud of values and beliefs I’d come to see as my own after having to don them for so many years.

Neither is it coincidence that I was attracted to a fiercely self oriented and stubborn partner, I had a lot of learning to do on the topic of pleasing others and self worth. I suspect that it is also no coincidence that both our children hold tightly to the independence and freedom that is their heritage and birthright.
It makes life interesting as a parent as I cannot allow them complete freedom within our society or our family unit. To function out in the world they have to be able to respect other people’s boundaries; to take a no. So one of my greatest challenges is walking that line between having a few carefully selected boundaries, the absolutes, while also allowing them to feel into their freedom as often as possible.

What makes it such a challenge is society’s little advocate in my head, the critical voice I heard through the years of rigid control that characterized the typical childhood of my time and place. The wrangle between that voice (have you ever caught yourself sounding just like your parents?) and the awareness of my true inner voice, the one that was always there but spent years being snuffled (have you ever listened to that one? Do you know how to?), results in quite divergent behaviour at times.

I’ve realised my inner critic predominantly offers two voices, one is judgment, the other takes my empathic awareness and turns it against me. It makes judgments of people and situations all the time, the same judgments I heard over and over as I was growing up: the rights and wrongs of the world, the way things should be.  This voice makes me feel angry. Of course my inner voice makes no such judgments and knows there is no right or wrong, only what is right for me right and right for you in any given moment of time.

The other voice is always making me aware of how others feel often before I’ve even figured out how I feel; it makes me think it’s the right thing to do to put other people first. In short, my inner critic makes me feel guilty about putting my own needs first and prefers that I just appear helpful to others rather than rock the boat. 

A friend was asking me whether the reason I rewrite and rewrite emails before pressing send (in response to a person with a particular authority, or a company or other organisation) is because I want to avoid upsetting people. Yes, sort of.

Reshaping my words though is more about my underlying desire to be heard. I know if I run with the critical voice in my head, the one that is angry or feels guilty, then the words create harm, so I look to reshape them into something that will inspire and uplift towards the solution I seek.

Writing is where I tend to get it right; it's a focused form of thought. Opening my mouth to talk, however, is a bit of a gamble. Like being mama in the house at the end of the day when everyone is tired, well, that's the part that needs filtered.

I know the origins of that voice were about keeping me out of trouble, helping me fit in; in short it was – in its intention - about protecting me and keeping me from harm. But the voice needs an upgrade, because the reality is I was born with my own inner voice and it has lots to say, lots that needs to be heard.

Now that I have found my inner voice, I recognise the clues to my destiny much more easily. To hear it, I have made room to listen. I’ve practiced a daily meditation over a number of years now, and I take regular time out in nature to contemplate and hear what I have to say.

What about you? Can you hear your inner voice? What clues does it provide when looking back? What are the clues to your destiny?

​If enjoyed this you might enjoy What You Give Your Attention to Is Your Greatest Contribution, Have Fun Not Knowing What You Want to Offer the World and Finding Your Purpose – the Magic of Those Who Believe in You. If would like a fresh perspective on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me with an outline of your circumstances or click here for further information, I love to help. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.