As someone who sought approval as a way to feel safe, disagreement with others has always felt very unsafe to me. So getting comfortable with another person’s opinion that is contrary to mine – especially if it is about me – has been quite a journey.

Tony Robbins says “Whether we feel pain or love depends on three things: our story, our strategy and our state; and changing any one will change the other two”.

I had a big story going on about other people’s opinions and what they meant for me. A recent email from Lisa Romano really sums up the worst of the story, she said:

“If you are like most people, you've been pushed around by somebody who thought they had a right to control, manipulate, harass, devalue or minimize you. Perhaps this person was a parent, a sibling, a partner, a friend, or a boss you have known. Whatever your unique experience and circumstance, most likely having someone try to make you feel bad about yourself may have worked to some degree. 

Again, if you're like most people and you are not a raging narcissist, chances are when someone you knew pushed your buttons, for a moment you may have wondered if what this person was saying was true. If this person accused you of something you were not guilty of, or if they deliberately gaslit you, blameshifted, and messed with your head, there may have been a moment where you questioned your reality.”

Lisa is an expert on codependency and narcissistic abuse, so she is used to working with people who seem to attract experiences like this to the degree it’s a pattern in at least one their relationships; thus reinforcing a painful story.

She says “Many of us can get caught up trying to get an abusive person to admit what they've done, but it never works. All an abusive person will do is deny, pretend, and gaslight you even further...and if you don't quit trying to find resolution, an abusive person will discard you, or worse.”

This is precisely the sort of intensive personal growth bootcamp I have attracted into my life a few times, ultimately I believe to help me let go of the need for approval. And to allow others to have their own opinions – be what they may – without it taking up my whole time and attention.

Rebbeca Zung says that when she was dealing with two covert narcissists in her professional life, this is precisely how she felt. She says:

“It's a constant siege.  You're always feeling like you're under attack, always on the defensive, like you can never get ahead. They are always lining up the flying monkeys, not providing the documents they are supposed to, ignoring the court orders and getting away with it; lying, lying and more lying and everyone seems to be believing them.”

And now, on a more macro level, I find myself living in times where people are becoming more polarized. Those unvaccinated in New Zealand face a life of exclusion from the December third when the government begin a new system. A key part of this is the introduction of vaccine certificates which will be digitally recorded, stored and shared on a national system.

The Prime Minister, Jacinda Ardern, when asked whether New Zealand would ever follow Austria's example of mandating the vaccination for everybody, was quoted in a national newspaper this week as saying " No. It is just not something we would do."

And yet, as part of the new vaccine certificate system, businesses are incentivized to deal only with vaccinated people in a very clear way. Businesses that choose to deal with unvaccinated people face restrictions in how they operate. Businesses will be also given verification apps to ensure that those people vaccinated have had both initial shots and 6 monthly booster shots in order to still qualify as “vaccinated”.

For those who haven’t got these, there will be access to groceries and emergency medical services, everything else will be either off the table or restricted depending on what alert level the country is in.

For example, the local swim school (at an outdoor pool) says people over the age of twelve must be double vaccinated and this, apparently, is across the board with all swim schools and teaching complexes in New Zealand. If the child is under the age of twelve and parents are not double vaccinated, then children must be dropped off and parents will not allowed to enter the premises.

A post I have previously mentioned came to mind again when I read this “Kind of weird I have to explain this, but taking things away from people until they agree to do what you say isn’t giving them a choice, it’s punishing them until they concede to your demands. Normally we would refer to this type of behaviour as manipulation and abuse”.

So on the macro level, choosing to remain unvaccinated at this stage may be the greatest challenge yet in integrating others’ opinions. Big story, feels painful right?

How do I change the story? In the context of the broader picture I understand there has to be division before there is unity, and all is well. In the words of Abraham Hicks “This isn’t about what you do or don’t do. You either line up with taking it and take it, or you line up with not taking it and don’t. Just don’t decide not to take it and push against – or decide to take it and push against – because it is the pushing against that takes your freedom and your wellbeing and your joy”

What feels right for me might change, at each decision point I’ll be leaning towards the path of least resistance. Each to their own without a need for assertion I say, some people are more afraid of the vaccine than the illness, others are the opposite, and others still are afraid of neither or both. Remember the old adage “A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still”.

While it’s healthy to consider others’ feelings and circumstances, it is not healthy to consider them above my own. I was always abandoning myself to satisfy others until I finally learned about healthy boundaries and some strategies around implementing them.

I heard a snippet from Teal Swan this week that was examining the word healing, because by saying that something needs healed is to make it wrong, and therefore creates resistance to it. The key, she said, was integration.

I think this is the key when it comes to others’ opinions too.

As I said in How to Reclaim Your Freedom Instead of Feeling Trapped the commonality in this issue is freedom, which I discerned by zooming out of the issues and looking at people’s differing fears and motivations and taking a broader view.

Despite the emotional entanglement of my approval seeking habit, one positive was that it also taught me to reconcile contrasting views. Conflicting viewpoints drive me to go wide and deep to reconcile what I am hearing but doesn't resonate. The point of commonality is what I’m always looking for, what is in within what is being said or felt that I (inner me) can agree with? It taught me that – on one level - I am not you and you are not me and yet – on another level - we are one.

This is about integration, a good strategy. I can hold that your opinion is valid and – at the same time – mine is also. In the past I have always known this, but in the words of a friend of mine, the gold for them this week is knowing they can have a different point of view to another and not need to change it (or what they are doing) in order to please someone else.

All of this though is much easier when my state of being is in a place of love rather than pain as Tony put it. In Learning to Surrender, Sarah Blondin says “The more we constrict, the more worry and burden we pick up along the way. The denser we become, the more we sink like rocks to the bottom of our river. We then ground ourselves in the turbulent waters rather than allowing ourselves to be carried to the cool, calm waters”.

The words I hear when I tune in from a more relaxed state are “Let go”, and imagining myself being carried along in a stream helps to let go of worry, let go of others’ expectations, let go of others’ opinions and let go of seeking others’ approval.

In order to honour what you believe, what can you change right now about the story, strategy or your state of being in order to care less about what others think?
 
If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy What If The Thing You Dread Is Actually Your Dreams Trying to Unfold?, When Life Is Uncertain It Feels Good to Take a Positive Step, Ask No One to Be Different So That You Can Feel Good, What Do the People in Your Life Have to Teach (Good and Bad)? and Reclaim the Sweet Spot of Being in Your Element. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I’ve been thinking a lot about freedom this week, and out of interest I asked my (soon to turn teen) niece what her definition of freedom was. She responded “the feeling of relief and the feeling that nothing is holding you back in life”.

I couldn’t have defined it better if I had tried. I have heard others define it by conditions that need to exist, rather than as a feeling. But I have read accounts of people who have lived in the absolute worst of human conditions – such as the Auschwitz-Birkenau concentration camps - who still felt freer than others who would appear to be privileged and yet feel trapped.

Freedom has come up for me both on a micro and macro level, with global restrictions in place and whole swathes of people becoming polarized against one another. And I am pondering this on both levels.

When someone asked me recently about some undesirable conditions I had lived with in my life, and why I had put up with them for so long, I responded that once I became aware of my situation I had made a choice and – while staying within it for a certain amount of time – had chosen to focus on the positive aspects.

Yet, as I wrote about a few years ago in Why Does She Stay? … and What Makes You So Different?  it can so often be the case that people are unaware that they have a choice. Lack of confidence, shame, a misplaced sense of duty - all some version of fear – and all have a familiar resonance with feelings from childhood.

For me these feelings drew more experiences that led me to wonder thoughts like “perhaps what I seek is a fantasy, perhaps this is just what life is”. I wrote at the time:

“She stays because she’s rooted in fear, what is known seems safer somehow that what is unknown. The same as why the other s(he) is violent to begin with, or why you stay in that job you hate, or stick with that diet you loathe, or with that person you don’t love, it’s all rooted in fear. Life will often present you with BIG things, like near misses, disease or death, because it knows you need dislodged to get out your comfort zone and show you that you can do it…

So you can wait for the slam dunk, or you can start to see the fear for what it is. It’s a thought. And thoughts can be changed. You just need to start reaching for better feeling thoughts”

It’s fear that takes our sense of freedom.

Over the course of my life, any time I became aware that I was entrenched in circumstances that really weren’t serving me, I usually moved on. But after decades of repeating the same experiences –the same theme with variations on the story and people – I finally started seeing patterns.

This led me to look in the mirror and start to wonder who I was showing up as that kept attracting these same sorts of themes. In turn this led to a juicy and oftentimes uncomfortable perpetual journey of self reflection, awareness and growth.

And so it is I find myself in 2021 with all aspects of my life in movement. Some feel good, some feel not so good, but only in the moment; I feel strongly it’s all okay in the now and it’s all headed in the right direction. Some of it is within my control, some of it isn’t. My reaction to my changing circumstances though is completely within my control.

I was listening to the words of Abraham Hicks this week, who was speaking on Government Control (well worth a listen for anyone currently feeling somewhat constrained at the moment) but it spoke equally to me on the topic of feeling trapped in any way:

“You think nothing comes if you don’t fight for it and we say it comes in spite of your fighting for it. All individuals have the power to feel good and to be free. But when you turn your power over to anybody and say that they need to do something different before you can feel better, you are in trouble because you cannot control them. No one has the ability to take your freedom from you, and no one does when you know that. And until you do, a 2-year old can entrap you.”

Strong words.

In another response to someone, who was deliberating whether to have a vaccine, Abraham Hicks said:

“We are not saying to you that you can give away your freedoms and like it, we are saying to you that you are giving away your freedoms in ways you don’t even know.

This isn’t about what you do or don’t do. You either line up with taking it and take it, or you line up with not taking it and don’t. Just don’t decide not to take it and push against – or decide to take it and push against – because it is the pushing against that takes your freedom and your wellbeing and your joy.

Every time you push against anything you give away freedom and alignment with who you are. But there is so much more evolution and expansion than the decision you are making.”

This pondering has led me to realise that, despite some obvious disagreements over the issues of the COVID19 vaccines, on both sides of that argument people are seeking freedom.

Some, who have always placed their faith in the medical systems and never experienced anything negative as a result – or may in fact feel they owe their physical wellbeing entirely to medical interventions – have had no issues taking the recommended course of action from their governments.

Others, who have had negative experiences of pharmaceuticals and/or the medical system, are understandably wary – or in some cases downright fearful – of the recommended course of action and mandates.

I personally feel the same way about my body as I do about my levels of conscious awareness of my thoughts in recent years, in that I am far more attuned and aware of what my body wants and needs than I was in the past. It does not sit at all well with me that anyone except me should think they are qualified to tell me what my body wants and needs.

Talking with a friend of mine in another country this week about the mandates here in New Zealand for teachers and healthcare works to have had their first jab by 15 November, or not be allowed to continue in their roles, I mentioned a post I had seen which said “Kind of weird I have to explain this, but taking things away from people until they agree to do what you say isn’t giving them a choice, it’s punishing them until they concede to your demands. Normally we would refer to this type of behaviour as manipulation and abuse”.

He was telling me that – after having had a bad reaction to a flu vaccination many years ago – he personally would rather take his chances with his immune system. However, given restrictions on travel and a close family member’s deteriorating health (nothing to do with the virus), he felt he needed to go get the vaccine so he was in a position to get on a plane at a moment’s notice.

Now, while this is far from ideal in terms of “conditions” relating to personal freedoms, it’s an excellent example of what Abraham Hicks is pointing to; and indeed what my niece said so eloquently.

When faced with a choice, choose the one that gives you the most relief.

And for each person, that will result in different choices. Honour that. Some people will choose to vaccinate over losing their job, some will choose to walk away from their job. Others will choose to abstain from seeing their loved ones, while others will choose to vaccinate in order to travel or be allowed in care homes and so on.

And remember the statement from the Abraham Hicks’ excerpt on Government control “When you turn your power over to anybody and say that they need to do something different before you can feel better, you are in trouble because you cannot control them”.

I think that's the essence of our experience here perhaps, to know ourselves in this oppression so that we can come into the fullest expressions of ourselves. It seems to me, there has never before been a time when so many are governed by so few, and the desire for freedom, be it personal, social, racial, gender identity, economic, health, education or whatever, there is a rising desire for freedom world over.

Esther Hicks said, “My only hope is that ‘what is’ becomes so evident to people that it fuels their desire for freedom”. Ultimately I believe I can and will achieve freedom from the micro and macro situations in my life that oftentimes constrain me, but I’m human, and it’s fair to say I spend more time dwelling on and dissecting ‘what is’ instead of focusing on ‘what I want’ to be.

And that is okay. Even in my resistance, my fighting, ultimately what is so desired will come in spite of my fighting it.

As I was swimming up the lane on my back yesterday I looked at the cobalt blue sky and shining sun beyond the mass of grey and white clouds drifting past. And as I watched the sky I saw it as a beautiful metaphor for this thing called freedom.

Freedom is the basis of life, it is always there like the cobalt blue sky and shining sun, regardless of what is blocking it from view. I can fight against the clouds, or the tilt of the earth, but ultimately they will continue on as they always have, my situation in relation to those is only temporary.

And so that is how I choose to see any obstruction to my freedom.

“Those who feel all powerful, who think they can control the outcome of your experience and others, don’t and can’t” is the final Abraham Hicks quote I’ll share. I choose to see those people or institutions like clouds in the sky. And, just as I do in my meditation each day with my thoughts, I take my attention from those clouds and let them drift on by.

In what ways do you feel your freedom being taken right now? Are there alternative ways of looking at the situation, perhaps as clouds in the sky, which feel better to you? And in what other thoughts or decisions are you able to find relief?

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy When Life Is Uncertain It Feels Good to Take a Positive Step, Ask No One to Be Different So That You Can Feel Good, What Do the People in Your Life Have to Teach (Good and Bad)? and Reclaim the Sweet Spot of Being in Your Element. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Someone who knows me, and occasionally reads my articles, recently commented on her surprise at the vulnerability she reads within them and how much they resonate. She sees me as someone more settled in myself than she feels within herself.

While that may be true, I responded that I have a carefully cultivated armour and it’s one of the reasons I enjoy sharing my writing, it gives a glimpse of what is going on underneath. But it is a great reminder for me to relook at the way I present to the world, especially since the first thing anyone sees when they look at my website is the line “Living Life from the Inside Out”.

A therapist who once worked with me commented on how stoic I can often appear and yet I am deeply sensitive within. Of course, my posture depends on who and what I am dealing with. If I feel safe I can be open and highly responsive, but if I am feeling threatened my jaw will set and I become very unresponsive.

It comes from the need for stoicism as I was growing up. Childhood patterns get passed from generation to generation if left unchecked as I talked about a few years ago in Your Childhood Is Not Your Fault but It Will Be Your Limitation. So the need for me to delve within and figure out who I authentically am was palpable by the time I had my own children.

I read once that in adulthood we attract into our lives people who in some way mirror those early challenges, as a subconscious way of seeking a do-over. The problem with that is, by adulthood, much of those traits I’d subconsciously developed as a temporary defence had by then created well worn neural pathways in my body.

My reactions to similar circumstances were, in effect, automatically the same as in childhood. Only perhaps I felt able to express more of what I’d had to hold back as a youngster. In essence, I was stuck in some pretty dysfunctional patterns and stances.

And it has been quite a journey since, figuring that out and learning new skills to counter the effects of having become hyper attuned to how others feel, codependent in my relationships and constantly striving for perfection among other things. Learning healthy boundaries and how to hold them has become revolutionary for me.

Not knowing healthy boundaries as a child, I had no idea I was even entitled to them. My parents had a solid marriage and seemed to love and respect each other very much, and I always imagined that being in a relationship was the place to find that validation, love and respect I was seeking.

Unfortunately an early experience of heartbreak catapulted me into a new level of unworthiness, attracting a series of relationships that went from less-than-healthy to downright unhealthy over time. It wasn’t until confronted by an unhealthy professional relationship when my kids were only babies, together with the challenges of parenthood, that I finally became determined enough to relook at my whole way of thinking.

There is no doubt I have found it extremely challenging at various times in my life to live and work with people who see themselves, their contribution, their value, and their worth as greater than mine. If I’m honest, it’s was hard to comprehend actually, that anyone could feel and act that way towards another human being.

Almost as though that was a story that belonged to other times, not something in the modern day world among reasonable people, in a society that recognises the equality of human rights. And yet, patterns of superiority exist within many people as evidenced world over and are precisely what my own unhealthy patterns attracted at various times.

From my experience of living or working with people who like to make me feel small so that they can feel big, I have since realised it is within my power to shine brightly and not allow their thoughts and actions to dim that light.

In general I am conscious that I exude an air of confidence which reflects how I feel about life in the broader sense: that everything works out for the greater good eventually. I will only share my worries beyond my inner circle in hindsight, once any emotional charge has passed and I can comment on them from a place of insight and confidence.

The key I think is to have an inner circle, dependable people in my life that I can safely be vulnerable with. And even with those people it has taken a lot for me to share what may actually be going on in my life. Facing the truth of how I’ve allowed myself to be treated by different people at different times was a hard thing to do.

I always refuse to think of myself as a victim, as I imagine most people must, because it is no way to live. And the last thing I could think of as desirable is having people pity me, or try to convince me to do something I’m not ready to do.

When I have found myself living in circumstances that make me feel powerless and trapped, yet have felt - for whatever reason – I could not immediately change my circumstances, the only bearable option left was to change the way I thought about those circumstances in order to feel more empowered.

But with persistence and focus, I feel closer than ever to my authentic nature and not afraid to reveal it. Perhaps it is that I am now feeling more settled in myself that shows up, rather than the old armour, but it is certainly a great reminder to reveal what’s going on inside a bit more when I’m with other people.

So how do you show up in your life? Is what is revealed on the outside a reflection of your authentic inner world? Is it time for you to realise it is within your power to shine brightly? And, in fact, that is not only what you are destined to do but it is what the people and world around you will benefit from the most.
​
If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Do You Need to Heal Your Boundaries?, Who Are You Protecting? Why Telling Your Story Is Powerful, What to Do if You Feel Trapped By Your Circumstances, Your Childhood Is Not Your Fault but It Will Be Your Limitation and Overcome the Greatest Human Fear – Be the True You. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Over the course of my life I noticed I had developed a habit of second guessing myself, I was also constantly ruminating over past conversations and trying to get ahead of any future conflict, as well as feeling like I had brain fog a lot of the time.

In short, I had allowed the essence of who I am to be slowly overshadowed because my attention was always way more focused on pleasing others and what other people thought of who I am.
I was doing an inner healing process this week that involved imagining taking out any hooks that people have into me. The hooks represent other people’s expectations, responsibilities laid at my door that were never my responsibilities to take.

The process starts with imagining one parent and then the other, giving back everything that is theirs, knowing they too don’t need to carry responsibilities that are not their own, they can give back whatever is not theirs too, and so on down through the generations like a ripple effect.

Then I imagined doing it with other people in my life, going back through those who put expectations and responsibilities on my shoulders that belonged to them, not me. Once I started this process is was very easy to feel from the weight of the memory just who had hooks in me and who didn’t.

While this sounds quite abstract, some tangible examples of how these hooks show up are: being constantly questioned in a disdainful tone on my expenditure while the questioner is off spending with little accountability; or having how I spend my time frequently remarked upon scornfully by someone who does as they please; or having my contribution continually belittled and dismissed by someone who is quick to build themselves up.

As I have started to see this more objectively, there is a grief within me that I have allowed others to treat me this way over the years. It’s not as though I was entirely submissive and allowed these sorts of things to go unchallenged, but more the feeling inside of wanting to be seen, to be recognised and accepted for the person that I am.

The sorts of adaptations I made in my life, to gain the love and approval of those who I was dependent on, were: becoming a perfectionist, anticipating others’ needs, and taking on too much of other people’s responsibilities to name a few.

But, as Terri Cole says, there is a fine line between being loving and generous versus giving/doing from a place of need to feel valued, recognised or loved. Over the years that approval seeking behaviour has caused me to align with others who are more narcissistic and demand approval, control and compliance. It’s like a subconscious do-over, repeating patterns from childhood in the hope of a different outcome.

Lisa Romano states this false premise well when talking about her own experiences:

“As an adult, this pattern remained active. I continued to automatically operate on the premise that in order to feel good enough, someone out there had to say so. My saviour was out there somewhere and – one day – if I could finally figure out how to change myself enough, I would feel good enough.”

Of course this can go on throughout life without any conscious awareness. But in my case I have become aware, acutely aware, and have been determined to take back my own power.

When I was picturing myself as a young child, I realised that this need to change myself in order to feel good enough was driven by that younger version of me; it was my child-self’s survival mechanism. Yet, if that were one of my own children I would be telling them, finding ways to show them, that they were born good enough, there’s nothing they need to say, do or be in order for them to receive my love.

Having kids has been a revelation of personal insights and growth. That they need not say, do or be anything different than who they are has been like a driving force in how I approach my role as a mother. I even have a sign on our wall saying “Simply Be Who You Are”. But I also know the many times in each day that I sail dangerously close to waters that speak the language of “in order for you to be accepted in this family/school/relationship you must do this”.

I have (and continue to) examine all my expectations of my kids, the expectations others have of them, and how these are conveyed, all through the lenses of “does this allow them to be who they are without causing harm to others”.  Even that, I know, is a restraining step beyond “simply being who you are”. What does harm look like?

Am I going to stand by and let one of my kids take a long turn on something I can see the other child is desperate to play with? Is that causing the other child harm? Frankly no, it’s teaching them boundaries and patience, but I had certainly been wired to share regardless of whether or not I had finished.

Am I going to stand by if one of my kids starts hitting the other? Or manipulating the other? No, physical, psychological and emotional abuse all cross the line and need me to step in and help them navigate.

Am I great at doing all these things on a consistent basis? Pretty good, and I’m getting better and better all the time. I put in conscious effort to turn the tide from my default responses. When the kids first started expressing themselves in ways that triggered me (and it’s fair to say that happened from the get-go, with nightly screaming from 7-11pm daily for months with my first child for no obvious reason) it was more than a little wearing.

Why make all this effort for my own kids and neglect that child within me? It didn’t make sense. And, besides, I realised it’s not just about who I am being towards my children, it’s about who I am being when I am around my children. For example, if I pass off controlling behaviour from other people towards me as normal in their presence, what silent messages are they taking in?

So defining my own boundaries and learning how to hold them with grace has been top of my agenda as they have grown, both with them and others around me. And by doing that, and learning that I am enough already, I don’t need to prove myself on that front, I am also honouring that younger me as the grown adult who can now take a different, healthier stance.

I also realise that there is nothing to fear except fear itself. My survival no longer depends on those around me. I am an adult who can choose a new mindset, a less encumbered mindset without the hooks of others.

If you are someone who second guesses themselves all the time, constantly feel like you have brain fog and ruminate over past conversations and try to get ahead of any future issues, perhaps it’s time to take a good hard look at who has what hooks in you? Remember, you were born good enough, be fearless, and let no one cast shadow on your light.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Embrace Your Authentic Self, Shed the Toxic People in Your Life, Do You Need to Heal Your Boundaries?, Empower Yourself - When a Difficult Reaction Sends You Into a Tailspin, Are You Overly Responsible? Actually Seeing Yourself Through Fresh Eyes, and Overcome the Greatest Human Fear – Be the True You. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.