I realised this week that I treat so much I embark on as I would a career, be it my relationships, my health, parenting or something I do to make money. I want to get the best I can from everything, I want it to lead somewhere, mean something.

That doesn’t mean everything I do is on track or on topic, sometimes I have to graze my way through half of life’s options to find what is most “me” and I have taken plenty of wrong turns but it’s all good information.

I had been asking Anne Macnaughtan about the difference between job and work versus career matters, as I noticed they are positioned in different houses astrologically. I think I was being intuitively led to ponder my own path as I am transitioning from one life phase to another. She said that a career path is different from what we do on a daily basis in order to earn money. The sixth house is the house of hard work and the tenth house is what a person is ultimately striving for.

My main job in recent years has been that of motherhood, which I came into late on. Day to day it is often not a job I’ve relished; I can find the domesticity, schooling, expectation and behavioural management mundane and tedious. However, with a longer term objective of growing humans who truly know who they are - and respect others for their uniqueness also - I relish much of their emotional, spiritual and psychological development. That is the aspect of it that is more like a career.

Entering parenthood I had anticipated more help with the aspects I see as more of a job, but now I find myself at a juncture where there is regular respite and this makes me more determined than ever to focus more of my attention on things that are meaningful and fulfilling.

Prior to motherhood, a great deal of my career had been spent on doing the groundwork to a number of corporate transformation programs that had great visions of transforming customer experiences by changing the hearts and minds, skills, systems and processes within various organisations.

On every occasion, within a year or two, the organisations were in a cyclical cost cutting mode and “luxuries” like transforming their customer experiences (which were arguably longer term investments, a bit like parenthood) were ditched, trading short term gain for longer term pain in my humble opinion.

What I’m saying is that I’m done giving the majority of my time and energy to things that aren’t sustainable or meaningful in some way, I’m looking for more joy in the day to day work of my end goals;  life is about the journey after all, not the destination.

Annette Noontil – in Your Body is the Barometer of Your Soul - acknowledges a soul is happy when it keeps evolving. She encourages that we organize our time by applying our skills (whether that means sharing our knowledge through speech or actually performing a skill), but warns that if we are putting out too much without learning from it we will deplete our energy.

That has been a saving grace for me through years of parenting, relationships that weren’t quite right, jobs that weren’t quite “me” and so on, I have learned much and grown from each and every experience. Now I’m ready to employ everything I’ve learned so far to embark on experiences that I can enjoy for a much higher proportion of the time.

In Sir Ken Robinson and Lou Aronica’s book Finding Your Element: How To Discover Your Talents and Passions and Transform Your Life, they talk about the point where talent and passion meet being where we feel most inspired, most ‘at home’ in our self.

This sounds like good advice to me, one without the other can be painful. I was doing an exercise recently that gave me a good lens through which to identify – among other aspects - my talents.  The kinds of things I identified are:

• grasping underlying principles and integrating perspectives
• strategizing, giving structure to reach distant goals dictated by a strong vision
• foresight, using insights to deal with complexity and ambiguity
• composing, using whatever is to hand to get a harmonious result
• making sure things are taken care of so others can feel comfortable, involved and succeed
• interpersonal sensitivity, supporting whatever allows the unfolding of a person

As to what I’m most passionate about, when I was answering questions posed by Janet Attwood, author of The Passion Test a while back, I realised I have a real passion for authenticity. So I set about defining my top five passions as:

1. Being the full authentic expression of myself; and helping others discover their own unique authentic expression
2. Being with my children in their full authentic connection and being a space in which they can express their authentic selves and respect others’ uniqueness
3. Recognising the body as a litmus test of how close or how far to that authentic expression I am  and the patterns, illness and disease that show up within it when I’m not
4. Creating structures in society that thrive on and enhance people being their full authentic expressions of themselves
5. The inherent connection I have to all of life, and the idea of thriving on that and enhancing others and things because of that connection

It is where I can apply my talents to these passions I’ll feel most “me” and get the most joy from whatever I’m striving towards in life.

What about you, is it time to cherish and treat your life – or aspects of your life - as more of a career than a job? Where do your natural talents lie? And what are you truly passionate about? Identifying these could be the key to a more fulfilling life.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy What Value Are You Adding to the Currencies in Your Life?, How Living Your Passions Fully Combats Feeling Lonely, Profit, Purpose and Personal Fulfillment Can Thrive Together - A Remarkable New Organisational Construct, What is the purpose of YOUR life? And Value Your Uniqueness. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

I was listening to Melissa Bernstein, cofounder of Melissa and Doug toys, being interviewed this week and she said something about friendships that I thought was really profound. Now in her late fifties, she said she hadn’t really enjoyed any close friendships (outside of her marriage) until the last few years, and the main reason for that is it was only recently she allowed herself to be vulnerable enough to cultivate relationships outside her family.

That struck me as a really great definition of the close friendships I cultivate, the ones that thrive and endure are the ones in which I feel I can be my true self – which has really been my most vulnerable self. The parts of me that I’ve been taught may not be accepted if I presence them in the world, for fear I might look weak or selfish or other traits which may be frowned upon and not accepted.

Growing up there are generally parts of us that we hide away, out of survival instinct, in order to fit into the family unit and societal norms around us. Growing up in the west of Scotland, sectarianism was rife for example. In recent years, differences have become more pronounced with the rise of social media and global environment and climate challenges, the COVID19 pandemic, power and governance issues and emerging technologies. Opinions seem to have become more polarized and certain values or beliefs unwise to express unless they align with the mainstream narrative.

But what I am talking about, aside of my opinions on such matters, are things like whether and how I might express my emotions. Was it safe to express anger, fear, hope, happiness, or sadness at all? Never mind in the various shades and forms these emotions come in. In a recent novel I read, set back in the height of coal mining era, I was reminded how entire communities adopted deferential attitudes about what could be achieved and what they could become.

It reminds me of the “crabs in a bucket” mentality. A crab placed alone in a bucket will easily climb out and escape, but when you place it in the bucket with a few other crabs, this interesting phenomenon occurs: One at a time, as the crabs try to escape, other crabs will pull them back down to their misery and the group's collective demise.

Wherever I picked up my inner narratives, after years of practicing mindfulness, I’m now very aware of the voices in my head that act just like those crabs to collectively keep me constrained.  I have all sorts of voices about my limitations, what expectations there are on me, what might happen if I should presence my beliefs, desires, opinions etc in the world. Conversely I’ve also become acutely aware of what those beliefs, needs, desires and so on actually are.

And, more than that, over the last number of years I have started to be open about those with friends I could trust being vulnerable with. Like the fictional novel I read of the young lad from an old coal mining town destined to repeat his family’s role in the small community he didn’t feel he belonged to, he started to slowly find kin. People of like mind and heart, oddities like him, supported him and believed in him to become who he wanted to be.

For my own part there were many years when I’d keep attracting people, who were more like those who had contributed to my earlier narratives, in a subconscious bid to try to get them change their mind; to approve of me, support me. And the pain of that rejection felt so familiar I tricked myself for a long time into believing that is how it is supposed to be.

Now I am surrounded by a carefully curated group of people in my life who tick the boxes on Sasha Tozzi’s list of Choose people who:

• Choose you
• Ask how you are
• See you
• Let you be you
• Feel good to your nervous system
• You can breathe easily around
• You don’t need to perform for
• Are good for your mental health
• Want to see you win
• Don’t try to control you

The level of vulnerability – meaning the parts of authentic me that I express – with people depends on whether there are seated at my V.I.P table or have the potential to be. That also applies to where I invest my time and energy, because I know whatever I give the majority of my attention to will be my greatest contribution in life, good or bad.

As I embark on a new romantic relationship in my life, this also brings with it all the characters that feature prominently in my partner’s life. It’s been a good check in on my own growth and boundaries as I meet new people and assess how compatible I am with them and where to invest my energy according to Sasha’s little check list. Although intentional, I can’t express how grateful I am to have met someone who is also mindful of their own healthy boundaries and who cultivates relationships in a similar way.

Ultimately it comes down to whether I spend time with people who drain my energy or boost my energy. At worst I want to spend time with those where there is a neutral net effect, where the energy flow back and forth is pretty equal. At best, I love those times and people with whom my energy gets amplified and expanded due to a mutually positive focus.

Those who constantly drain my energy I either no longer engage with or – if I have to – I have some very strong boundaries around how and when we interact. As time goes on this gets easier and easier to manage as I’m supported by more and more people who are more “me”.

What about you? Are the people you surround yourself with more aligned with old narratives or the more authentic you? Are you able to be vulnerable with them and feel positively supported? Who boosts or drains your energy? Are you being helped or hindered in living your best life?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy I Am Enough, Are the People You Surround Yourself With a Match to What You Want From Life? Is It Time to Really Embrace, Enjoy and Embody Your Sexual Truth? Choose Kindness and  How to Deal With Not Being Liked – Those People Who Do Not Treat You Well. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

Let’s get the quick quip out the way; I’m not talking about loading up on the processed carbs until I have to unbutton my jeans just to get comfortable…I’m talking about coming into the fullness of who we are.

A friend commented that she can’t really remember a time when she felt in her fullness or even fully in her body. Fullness is defined as the state of being complete or whole, but if I use those terms I can’t help but wonder if that points to some deficiency, and I’m making myself feel wrong for simply being the best me I know how to be right now.

The idea that there are many parts to our psyche has roots in various schools of thought from Gestalt Theory and Internal Family Systems through to Jungian archetypal work. In her Completion Process, Teal Swan refers to the parts of us that we have denied, suppressed or disowned. The work is about identifying and reclaiming those parts, integrating them along with all our other parts.

For example, as a child there was a part of me that liked to sing, but I was told none of our family has good voices so we don’t sing. The part of me that likes to sing sat in the shadows for a very long time, not confident in airing my voice unless it was hidden among a larger crowd or in moments of solitude where no one else was around to hear.

Now in my fifties I realise that, while I may not be able to belt out a tune the way Aretha Franklin or Freddie Mercury could, my voice isn’t terrible. So now I make the effort to sing a few lyrics in front of others now and again when I’m being asked how a tune goes or I just have a particular song stuck in my head.

But there are many parts to my psyche that can present a more or less confident persona to the world, certainly there were many messages growing up (received through the family and society) about how I should behave. Therefore it’s those parts of me that I have denied, suppressed or disowned that I want to reclaim in order to embody the fullness of who I am.

Tony Robbins talks in terms of questioning which part of us is in the driving seat of our life, at any one time, and learning how to put the most resourceful parts there. I like this idea because there are certainly times when I will default into my less confident small child mode rather than the adult me who knows I can overcome and give things a go.

What I'm really passionate about is helping people live their most authentic life. I believe the more integrated the parts of our psyche are, the more aligned our outer and inner worlds are, and the better this world becomes to contribute to and live in. So rediscovering and reintegrating all the parts of me that were in some way quashed or ignored has become an ongoing commitment.

I guess for this reason I was attracted to a new group Briana MacWilliam set up recently which I took to be about love and ambition and presencing more of the feminine parts of our psyche in the world. This intrigues me as, having had a successful career in the corporate world and then having switched tracks to focus on bringing up my children, now my kids are growing up I want to be of service to the wider world.

That said, I have zero desire to return to the patriarchal corporate world and want to bring in more of the authentic and feminine energy I’ve been learning to cultivate within me. Although I’ve been coaching, learned a tremendous amount about developmental trauma, and published my personal reflections and lessons over the last eight years, I’ve yet to receive clarity on what the way forward is in my life from here.

This was another frustration my friend and I have in common, we both have much more clarity on what we don’t want, but as to what we do want, this has yet to become clear. And the trick in the meantime is to focus on things that are nourishing and fulfilling which distract us from the blank we are drawing on our way forward into the next phase of our careers and life.

But one thing I have come to trust over the years is that there is little point in investing energy and time into things that haven’t arisen from a point of clarity or inspiration. Any time in my life when I try to force things, I might achieve whatever I’m trying to do, but it doesn’t leave me feeling like I’m fulfilled.

Which really is where this meandering thought began, to step into the fullness of oneself has a lot to do with feeling fulfilled, and actually one is the precursor to the other. When I am presencing my true needs, talents and desires in the world, I am much more likely to feel fulfilled than when I’m sacrificing or disregarding them.

And so I have concluded that in order for me to step into the fullness of who I am, it means focusing on and embracing those aspects of my life that feel fully me while remaining open to clues about those aspects that don’t yet feel in alignment.

Where in your life do you feel fulfilled? And which aspects of you feel in alignment with your true needs, desires, talents and gifts?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy  Overwhelm? Worry? Lack of Confidence? Parts Work and Its Importance to Your Growth, Heal Your Past Hurts To Help You Fulfill Your Potential, Take Back Your Power - Only One Thing Need Change for You to Feel Good, Life Really Does Support Your Deepest Desires (And How to Access Its Support) and  Should We Abandon Happiness as the Impossible Dream? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

Hypernovelty is a term I was reading about this week in relation to the profound changes in our modern era brought about by technological progress, such as artificial intelligence, automation, and the increasing interconnectedness of societies through digital networks, which have ushered in a new era of rapid information exchange, transforming how we live, work, and interact.

In an article from Teal Swan, she was suggesting that – like many things - there are benefits we reap from this and there are also consequences we will face as a result of doing this. The example she gives is of the Internet facilitating the expansion of human consciousness in remarkable ways, rejoicing in the many gifts that it has given to the human race.

“Let the Internet enrich your life, do not let the Internet become a way to escape your life”

Her plea is that we not forget that we have come here to live our physical lives and let our direct experiences be the platform for what we ultimately become. Our attention matters, so she is reminding us to give our attention to the things that make our life better.

This reminded me of a quote I heard many years ago that resonated so much I wrote it in the front of my journal at the time “whatever you give the majority of your attention to will be your greatest contribution”.

It’s not just my own attention that I am aware of, but where my kids are placing their attention too. I’ve noticed there is a huge gap between where childhood imaginative games are prevalent, and the era where young adults are able to move around and interact out in the world more independently, that many fill with technology.

Up until the age of maybe nine, my kids regularly liked to turn our house into some fantastical world, the more people involved the better. My eldest daughter reminded me the other day of “the circus” performance she and many of her classmates put together one school holidays down in our local reserve.

About six or seven other parents and I were involved in transporting our kids there, providing a shared morning tea and generally being an enthusiastic audience for the various “acts” our kids had concocted and practiced with very little costume assistance and a huge dose of imagination. There were acrobats, clowns, gazelles, an elephant and a tiger.

But now, as they enter that time beyond childhood and not yet in adulthood, it’s more usual to see them lost in their devices, playing games remotely with friends or watching funny or useful video clips by the dozen. When I turn to the past and look back on my own childhood, I realise that things were not that different in some ways. It was an age where I’d sit in my room, or a friend’s room and chat, listen to music, read books or go and hang out at the local shopping mall.

What is different is the sheer amount of “entertainment” and content available to us all digitally. I agree with Teal, it is so easy to plug our consciousness into this alternative reality. To her point, the brain is so amazed by this influx of information that it can:

• forget to receive and interpret signals of hunger and thirst (my eldest child often forgets to eat) and
  
• fall in love with hypernovelty so quickly that people will prioritize social media and digital content and forgo one to one offline interhuman connection (my kids are often “too tired” to go out and “just want to relax” on their devices).
  

And I’ll be honest, I’m tired also. After years of being the lone manager and cheerleader of the tidy up squad following the grand adventures the kids would have, that seemed to involve the contents of most of our cupboards, or preparing picnics and organizing catch ups across multiple people and locations, it’s far easier for me to let the kids get their fix of critical thinking, decision making, creativity and social interaction virtually while I try to navigate responsibilities and live life.

Connecting with other adults socially and professionally, trying to move forwards in preparedness for expanding on a life beyond dependent children and a return to more of a career focus, is often easier facilitated digitally also. This now looms on the horizon more prominently than it has in many years, and yet it seems I’m now an entirely different person figuring out how to operate in an entirely different world.

It is easy to become overwhelmed and, in many ways, conducting our lives online to a great extent, without leaving the house, seems very enticing and, dare I say, safer. This can be an illusion I know.

One of my kids got invited to “hang out” with a friend of hers, who has moved to a new school and is meeting up with some of their new school friends on a weekend. Beyond my child’s immediate friend, neither she nor I know that friend’s friends. And they are all tweens wanting to “hang out” with really nowhere to go except their local playground and shopping centre, which is not in our local area. In truth, this is no different to what kids of this age were doing forty years ago when I was a tween.

If I don’t let my child do these kinds of things, taking sensible precautions, how can she learn how to navigate the real world? When I think back, I was “out in the real world” playing with friends on our street way back at the age of three, I was running errands to the local shops way back from the age of five or six, I was walking to and from school, attending activities and participating in clubs all throughout my younger years.

I knew how to cross a road, assess other people, avoid dodgy routes and generally assess risks “out there” from a very young age. In contrast my kids live in a much more insular world which has the illusion of being more scary and bigger perhaps because of this connection through various digital pathways.

There are no easy answers, I find, except when I remember that both the kids and I have an internal connection to something much more relevant – our intuition, our unique personal guidance. Taking time to meditate on a daily basis has helped me hugely in becoming far more consciously aware of my own inner thoughts and desires on any matter.

And taking regular time in nature is another way to quickly recalibrate and find my inner truth and inner peace among the day to day harried nature of life. A walk along the shoreline is a priority in my life at least two or three times a week, along with many other aspects of self care like yoga, swimming and meeting face to face with friends.

When I start to think about my kids growing and worry about technology and find myself thinking “well, now we have the technology I know my children can call me and vice versa if they need to, I also remember they too have an inner guidance system, their own intuition. And that is what I teach by example, remembering I somehow managed to navigate life without having a constant digital tether.

The important things for me to remember in this world of overwhelm and hypernovelty, is that we each have our own access to answers within us. Answers to “what is best for me right now” don’t require a Google search or a check in with Suri. Consciously seeking my own answers is an opportunity for me to find ways to meet my needs and wants that are healthier than meeting them while tuning out and letting algorithms and search engines take over. This is the balance I want my kids to learn really.

Our lives and attention are becoming fast consumed with various forms of digital technology. How can you use this as a way to enrich your life rather than as a way to escape from it? Where and when in your life has overwhelm allowed hypernovelty to take the driving seat? Is it perhaps relevant to take a little time out to tune in a bit more to your inner world, and seek your own unique answers to living your best life?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy  Meditation – the Cornerstone to Your Success, What You Give Your Attention to Is Your Greatest Contribution, The Internal Shift You Need to Help Solve the Social Dilemma, Focus Your Attention, Do You Abandon Yourself in Order to Make Others Happy? and  What Possibilities Can You Get Excited About Right Now in Your Life?  To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.