I was listening to Tami Simon interview Shannon Kaiser this week, and she was talking about how the contrast of life points to our growth. This lady was talking my language because I truly believe our challenges are there to assist our expansion.

When I was quite young, I remember having this thought that, logically, how could I appreciate something good if I had never experienced something bad? So I really felt there was a purpose to this life of duality we live on Earth.

Good and bad, male and female, chaos and order, turmoil and peace, black and white and so on, all of it and a lot more are a spectrum of our dynamic and ever changing experiences in life.

I was talking to a dear friend this morning about balance. She has been sculpting on the topic recently and it’s deeply resonated with her because it’s a topic she feels really challenged by. As a busy mum and someone who runs twice-weekly art workshops for kids in her local area, trying to fit seventeen hours and more of study into her already hectic week has been a real challenge.

Getting an opportunity to outwardly express how she inwardly feels contending with the day-to-day struggles has been a glorious process of unwinding. It is part of a structured study programme exploring a wide range of creative processes, and she was saying at the outset some of her work felt manic, fractured and incoherent, “not very good”. I suspect it is all truly reflective of the layers within, it’s taken a while to really tune into and land in her creative space.

This was resonant with other conversations I’d had this week with busy mums. For me, being creative is something I have to make space for. Like my friend, if I try to tap into something out the blue I just get all the static and noise that bubbles beneath the surface of my day-to-day existence of school runs, organising play dates, sports and activities, grocery shopping, making dinner, washing and the ever-present need for attention to name a few.

It’s that there is a feeling of constantly being “on standby” and the need to create a large bubble of space in which to safely land in the middle and tune into what is really wanting to be seen or felt. It’s all very well to take an hour to go for a walk, or to take a yoga class or meditate, but real landing spaces where I can power down my vigilance to what’s going on “out there” and tune into “in here” for any length of time are like solid gold.

And yet, as I just said to another friend, a busy dad, the days are long and the years are short. My children will grow up and then I’ll be left hopefully cherishing the memories of the activities and things we did together, and the noise of all the more intense and monotonous things will fade as I feel into and appreciate the contrasting expansiveness of having more and more time to myself.

Of course in the meantime I meditate, walk, swim and write as regular practices, as a way of acknowledging the world within me and giving permission to myself to explore. Sometimes I get that same chaotic static as my friend initially experienced, but by making these practices a regular feature in my life, I can usually get past this quite quickly.

But listening to Tammi talk to Shannon Kaiser about her new book Return to You, I did reflect on some of the other challenges in my life.

As my dear friend said to me this morning (when I was relaying the details of life in my new home, and just how much joy I had gotten from buying my new “contemporary light green metallic” electric kettle and toaster) “I can imagine just how liberating that felt after feeling trapped for so long. There was no one else you had to consult about it, or justify it to, you could just do it and not worry about the repercussions”.

While not the topic of this article, it is certainly true that many things have conspired to keep me feeling trapped for a long time, and I am most definitely still getting used to the idea of freedom and enjoying these little moments of getting to really feel into it, the contrast makes it all the more delicious.

Another thing that can challenge me is loneliness. Over the years I have often felt lonely; not feeling seen, understood or valued. On the flip side this makes it all the sweeter when I have good company and I really appreciate the wonderful friends I have all the more for the many positive things they bring to my life.

All of this is not to bypass the feelings I have, but to simply observe them and appreciate what life is teaching me about those aspects of myself. Neither do I need to hold myself in bondage to what I’m feeling, which I have often had a tendency to do, staying in unhealthy situations and relationships for too long out of a misguided sense of loyalty, duty or obligation.

But these are all points for growth and expansion, and all my experiences are a perfect match – if I choose to see them this way - to calling me forwards towards my best life, and basking in appreciation at the other end of the spectrum.

So what about you, what challenges do you face in life? Are you able to feel into what life would be like if the opposite were true? Remember it’s in experiencing the contrasts of life we move towards our growth and expansion.

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I was talking to someone this week who was feeling the way I think many people feel from time to time: overworked and under recognised. I certainly knew the feeling, and I also know the trap I often used to fall in – and still do at times – when I’d look at those closest to me and start wondering why they aren’t:
a) helping, and
b) making me feel more appreciated.

Instead of looking at another and getting disgruntled, resentful even, that they are not doing enough or appreciating me enough, I started to consider whether I was doing enough for myself. And so that was the question I posed to this person too “Are you mad at them or are you really just mad at yourself because you’re not talking the time to honour your own needs?”

It brought to mind an ex partner who used to often feel resentful that, when he was out working, I would be doing a yoga class, or going for a swim. What he failed to see in that moment was not only the myriad of things I did do to contribute to our life together but, perhaps more importantly, that he needed to take better care of his own needs rather than focusing on what I was doing or not doing for myself.

The discussion also triggered some old wounds for me around the parenting role. Early on in my children’s lives, when I was still working in my corporate career, I remember reading an agony aunt type response in a magazine to a woman who was complaining that she had been ditched by a friend of hers the minute her children had come along.

In essence, she was complaining about the lack of attention and time her old friend had to give and was feeling very put out. The response did not pull any punches, it was centred around enlightening this childless woman about the rigours of family life and just how little time and energy her old friend would be having for herself right at this point, never mind for anything else.

I could see quite plainly how someone would feel left out in that situation and, while the response was centred on what this woman could be offering her old friend rather than complaining, I did think it was time for her to move on and find other people who were more aligned and able to prioritise socialising with friends without children involved.

In my life it wasn’t that I had friends who couldn’t understand nor value the parenting role, instead I had a partner who simply couldn’t see – or perhaps acknowledge – just how all-consuming parenting is when there are dependent children at home.

I was still a bit blinkered at the time to the level of unhealthy and dysfunctional patterns between us and, in an attempt to prove my worth, kept a diary of my time for a week both out of curiosity and defence. Most hands-on parents won’t be surprised to know that there are somewhere in-between 70 and 90 hours of my week regularly focused on childcare or domestic responsibilities.

Even if you share those responsibilities with someone else, that is still a lot on top of other responsibilities outside of the home. In fact, for me it was a major triumph to fit in a yoga session each week, and go for a swim or a walk, but it was also essential for my sanity and wellbeing. As was taking the time to learn about dysfunctional patterns and healthy boundaries.

I think if most people count up how much time they spend in front of a screen (not working) each week, they would be surprised. I gave up TV years ago to free up some of my attention to direct inward and get to know who I am, what I am thinking and feeling amid the constant and often torrid seas of parenting. It was so all-consuming something needed to give.

And now that I am at a point in my life where I am having little doses of time without having responsibility for my kids 24/7, I can attest even more fervently to the all-consuming nature of parenting.

This Easter weekend my kids are away with their dad and I’ve had three whole days to myself. In that time I’ve achieved more in terms of settling into our new home than I have in the two weeks prior that we have been here.

Last night I put a garage-full of boxes up in the attic and finished the job late. The night before I tried on boxes full of clothes that have sat in my wardrobe untouched for a long time, it’s been years since I got to play dress-up. I finally got the chance to Marie Kondo my stuff and put satisfying bundles in the recycle pile while rediscovering the joys of old favourites.

I absolutely adore being able to focus my attention on something until I am done with it. I love diving deep and exploring a thought until I’ve reached a conclusion, or physically doing a task and having the pleasure of accomplishing it at my own pace, to my own satisfaction. That is what I have been able to do this weekend.

Whereas, when my kids are around, everything is start-stop-switch attention and focus and it can be as exhausting as it is rewarding. Frankly, when I am in that mode, and feel like my flow is constantly interrupted; I can only marvel that I achieve anything at all.

Whether amid the chaos, or having time to actually land within myself, these days I can appreciate just how important it is to make time to honour my own needs. What about you, are you stewing in resentment or teetering dangerously close to it? What do you need to do to honour your own needs?

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I’ve just been for a walk at the beach, the first in a week as I’ve been busy moving house, moving lives. This has been a long anticipated moment, after cohabiting with my ex partner for over eight months for largely financial reasons. My friend asked “How does it feel to be in your own place?” I responded that I hadn’t yet landed enough to feel, my nervous system hasn’t yet got the memo that all is now well and it can relax, there still seems so much to do.

It’s a beautiful sunny autumnal day here, there are only a few white fluffy clouds in the sky, although it’s windy at the beach and the paragliders were out making the most of the conditions. As I watched one paraglider start the laborious process of pulling in his sail, I thought how well it represented the process I’d gone through earlier today to rein in my focus.

I’m in the early days of setting up my coaching business and had met with a client not long before the house move to gather lots of information that I hadn’t yet had time to distill into something clear and crisp. So, since the kids are with their dad today, I thought I’d take the opportunity of some headspace to do just that.

After figuring out which box my notes were in, I then began the process of pulling in my energy and focus to wrap my head around everything I’d captured over a number of occasions. It really did feel like I had been up there among the clouds just like the paraglider, and now I was standing on the ground having to pull myself in piece by piece. And just when I thought I’d got a hold of it, suddenly a strong gust would pull me in a different direction.

After about an hour of this I began to feel that I was able to navigate what I was doing with much more ease and focus. Finally I was able to block out the chaotic scene of unopened boxes around me, and stop thinking about what else needs to be done. Sound familiar?

The irony is that one of the things my client and I had been discussing was overwhelm. When he first started out in business, it took a while to get used to the vacillating sense of not enough work one moment, and too much the next.

We had talked through the upsides to the sense of overwhelm, which my client had described as part of an internal healthy check and balance system, and one he has developed helpful coping mechanisms to manage, such as writing lists and breaking things down into steps. And we had talked about how to reframe things when that feeling of overwhelm is upon us.

Serendipitously that next day I saw a post on LinkedIn called How to Reframe Your Thoughts When You’re Overwhelmed. The examples were:

• “There’s no way I’ll get this all done” to “I can do this one step at a time”
• “I don’t know where to start” to “I’ve prioritised before and I can do it again”
• “I’m not qualified to do this work” to “I am smart and capable”

So as I sat on the beach, after having consolidated our discussions into something more streamline and tangible, I thought about what overwhelm actually feels like in my body. Other than the aching, arms, neck and shoulder muscles I’ve felt this week, as I had said to my friend, I hadn’t really had time to think about how I feel.

At this point I became aware of a sense that that something over my left shoulder was wanting attention. It was more of an energetic nagging kind of feeling rather than anything physical that was there.

I wondered what that might be, as it was similar to the tugging sensation I used to get at night in the temporary welcome silence between switching off the TV and devices before dropping off to sleep when I worked in the corporate world. So I simply imagined this nagging feeling as a person who could give me an answer and I asked “who are you and what are you trying to tell me?”

In my imagination came an answer “I am a part of you that you have temporarily abandoned”. That made sense given the context. “What do I need to do to reintegrate you?” I asked. “Just focus upon me” came the reply.

And as I sat there on the beach having this conversation with myself and focusing my awareness into that space outside me and over my left shoulder, I became more aware of my breathing, more aware of my surroundings, and of the waves that seemed to be pressing across the tops of each other in a motion that reminded me of the way a massage therapist smoothes out tight and tired muscles with a rippling movement.

Back in my body, back in conscious awareness of my life and where I am, with gratitude for my beautiful surroundings and new place to call home. I no longer felt overwhelmed, I feel I have everything in hand, I just needed to remind myself of the bigger picture and then zoom into what was happening on a more micro level so I could focus on the next right thing on my path.

One of the benefits that client had mentioned of having me as a coach was “the work you do to quieten the minds of the directors and managers to allow them to create strategic direction that fits with their purpose and values”. This reminded me again of my busy corporate career and the mentor I had engaged for that same purpose.

The truth is though, that while I and others can certainly create space and questions that allow for someone to switch gear and come back to themselves for a while, note that it is about coming back to oneself. The answers are not out there, they are inside. And whether it’s an imaginary conversation with myself, or one assisted by another human being, it’s all about that continual flight and landing on my own unique path.

​Allow overwhelm to be part of your vital check and balance system, take its steer and come back into yourself to discover what your next right step might be.
 
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Glennon Doyle tells the story about challenging a preacher (who had been talking about the “sins” of homosexuality and abortion), who (after much discussion) finally responded with “What you say makes sense in the ways of the world. But God’s ways are not our ways. You must not lean on your own understanding. Faith is about trusting.”

She realised that he wanted her to believe that trusting him was trusting God. She says very pointedly “My heart and mind are my connections to God. If I shut those down, I’d be trusting the men who led the church instead of trusting God”.

I was confronted by this same dynamic myself a few weeks ago when two brave or foolish people knocked on my door to tell me about their God. They asked if I believed in God the Heavenly Father. I replied “If you mean in the sense of some hierarchy where God is separate from me then no. If you mean in the sense that I am, you are, that tree and all that is, is a projection of something you want to call God then, sure, I can go with that.”

The man at my doorstop heard not a word, he was so intent on selling me his own beliefs; that there is both a God the Heavenly Father and God the Heavenly mother. And when I moved to respond to this again with my own view, he asked where I got this from.

I replied “From within me, it is what I know to be true for me”. Then he started to aggressively come at me with these words “Which book did you read this in? Who taught you this? We have been taught false beliefs”.
“Mm” I thought “How ridiculous that you think you are offering anything different. You are not interested in me having my own inner relationship with that which you call God, all you are interested in is me believing what you tell me”.

At this point I stated that, while I’m happy to have a conversation on the topic, I wasn’t happy to have someone come to my doorstep to force feed me their own views and attack my own beliefs; and abruptly shut the door.

Then this week I was talking to someone who was feeling very torn. Their long-standing therapist had told them – despite their strong desires around finding a new partner and making money – that this wasn’t their life path.

I started to get quite agitated on their behalf as I listened to the story. From my own journey through life there is one thing that stands out to me as a guide, and that is the desire for something healthy is a sure-fire signal to go after it.

The question of whether these are healthy desires is a valid one of course. If what the therapist was saying was some form of “You would be wise to proceed with caution in terms of attracting a mate because you have some inner work to do, and who you attract right now may not line up with your highest and best potential, let’s at least do some work on healthy boundaries first” I could understand it.

If the therapist was saying “Hey, remember you have issues with using spending as a coping mechanism and tend to get yourself deeply in debt, let’s work on some healthy financial goals first” or similar, then great. But this was a flat out “No, you are not destined for a mate and money this life”.

I was incredulous that someone who has a yearning for a deeper connection with another, and who would like not to have to worry about money, was being led to believe that this was simply not in their escrow and – worse – feeling bad for wanting those things and left wondering what to believe.

Then I realised that it is really not so long ago I too had no idea what to believe anymore. I remember all too well the point in my mid thirties suddenly realising that I was trying to be so perfect; to be everything for everyone else I actually had no idea who I was.

In her book Untamed: Stop Pleasing Start Living Glennon sums up my own experience quite well when she talks about how returning to ourselves is confusing at first. She says “It’s not as simple as listening for the voices inside of us. Because sometimes the voices inside of us, which we’ve assumed speak the Truth, are just the voices of human beings who told us what to believe; it’s our indoctrination.”

Going on from there she acknowledges “Some of the hardest and most important work of our lives is learning to separate the voices of teachers from wisdom, propaganda from truth, fear from love and – in her earlier example – the voices of God’s self-appointed representatives from the voices of God Herself”.

My own journey was not an overnight one, but I absolutely can discern between my intuition and knowing and the more fearful indoctrinated beliefs and propaganda. As Sarah Blondin puts it, the first step is to sit down in the stillness and listen. But getting from confusion to clarity is a process, and requires practice.

I heard a broadcast by Neil Oliver recently, another person who has learned to listen to his inner knowing and question things, and he quoted the phrase “the truth shall set you free”.

That got me thinking, the truth can be painful. On the journey from confusion to clarity, which is ongoing given that there are often many hidden agendas even in the most benign crevices of day to day life, there have been many “ah ha” moments.

That first moment when I realise that something or someone in my world is not as I believe it to be, everything becomes disorientated, and the ground beneath my feet no longer feels solid. I can get angry, go through stages of grief and then, of course, there is fear and shame and guilt for having been gullible in some way.

As a coach I am aware that it is my job to equip people to hear and believe in their own inner guidance and wisdom, and to discern their truth from their fears. I will not be the one running their business, or living their life. As a wise lady said to me recently “You are not meant to be their crutches, you are meant to hand them their crutches and make them aware – even give them a push – celebrate when they no longer need them”.

Having been taught from childhood (as most of us are) to look outside ourselves for answers (I only have to think of the New Zeeland Government’s approach to managing COVID19 and positioning themselves as “the one source of truth” to see blatant examples of this everywhere), I know that along my journey there are many people I have overly relied upon for advice and support in the absence of inner clarity and confidence.

But therein lays the key. The goal is to gain that. With inner clarity and confidence no one will be able to tell you what to believe, they can only help lead you to what you already know.

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