 In pursuit of happiness, I’ve almost always been afraid of change, yet been more afraid of standing still; something inside driving me forwards. Moving to another country, then to the other side of the world, leaving relationships, leaving jobs, leaving the corporate realm altogether, having a family, reconciling family relationships, the list goes on. There are no regrets in any of that but when everything else has been stripped away, there comes a point you have to look in the mirror. I could continue to chew my way through excuses and point to certain people and circumstances as my source of dissatisfaction, but I have too much awareness to do that anymore. While it is true that I am happier than I’ve ever been, I think it’s fair to say I still wouldn’t describe my underlying state as happy. It’s not that I expect butterflies and rainbows 24/7 but, in this journey to me, my awareness of what I think and feel is now so acute that the gap (between indoctrinated-by-the-world-me and unadulterated me) is more painful and more obvious than it was before I got rid of all the distractions. My underlying state is too often at dis-ease with ‘what is’. It’s this melancholy that blocks me on so many levels, but certainly from an overall state of happiness. For anyone undertaking a spiritual journey, this will seem really obvious, yet our internal thought patterns do not generally disappear in a moment of grace never to return. Unless we suffer some catastrophic event, most of us have some hard yards to do. That has never been so obvious to me as it is now. Yesterday I had a migraine, fairly mild with visual disturbance and a vice-like feeling around my head. It was a school-day so the temptation to take the kids to school while I had a rest was strong, but neither of them were on top form either. So instead I decided to bite the bullet and we all stayed home. I spent most of the day in a state of observation, since I lacked the energy for much of anything else. There were many moments in the day I wished for the peace and solitude I’d normally have on a school day, but there were also some beautiful moments watching the kids embroiled in their creative endeavours. Later in the day when my partner arrived home early, we all took a short walk in a nearby wooded area and the kids had fun in the mud at the stream while we took in the sounds of nature all around and enjoyed some sunshine. We had a nice time, something more to appreciate. So today, once I had dropped the kids off at school, I sat and thought “okay Shona, here is the peace you were wanting, the peace that you bemoaned yesterday. Now what?” And I realised just how bad I still felt. Now I can point to lots of things that might explain that away, and anyone who knows me would likely be kind enough to help, especially since my mum passed away recently. However, the only person who is inside my head is me. And I have full awareness of the garbage going on in there. That spew train has years and years of momentum. Delving into anything on board the spew train will only give it more energy. I’ve done it to death, enough of it is documented in my articles to give you the gist (see What Are Negative Thought Patterns Doing for Us as a recent example). It’s probably not that different to your own spew train. I recognise it for what it is, just old patterns, old imagery that is chugging along on new fuel. Yet there will never be a shortage of fuel because we are wired for growth, and experiencing dissatisfaction is part of our propulsion system. But if I only use that energy to fuel the old thought patterns the dissatisfaction just worsens. So what to do about it, this default habit that most of us find ourselves in? How do I use the fuel to get a different, more healthy, train out of the station? Appreciation feels much better than dissatisfaction. But I have no mental template for that, the switch to living in a state of appreciation rather than a state of dissatisfaction. That train isn’t anywhere near built yet. There have been fleeting trips upon such a train in my life, so I know what it feels like. You too can likely recall memories of riding high in a new relationship, or a new job, or the attainment of some goal you’d been focusing on. But how do we make that our way of being rather than it feel like a fleeting ride at some Disneyland Park? How do we create an appreciation train and get it out the station? I suspect there are as many answers as there are people asking the question. I know that what calls me is words. While limited, words are our most focused way of thinking, and thinking is the tool of our creation. So I have started to write out my future as if it was today, I am writing in a way that depicts not just my circumstances as I want them to be, but also my thoughts as I want them to be. I am writing my future and rewiring my brain, so it can help rather than hinder. It’s said it takes 21 days to form a habit, but I suspect I will have to go on rewriting and rewiring my thought patterns by focusing daily on my life through these appreciation lenses. I have already noticed thoughts in my head making excuses about why I can’t write about that today. But you know, I suspect once I get some momentum going on the appreciation train it won’t seem that hard at all, and I will have changed my underlying state to one that makes me feel happier a lot more of the time. And who doesn’t want that? I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others if they inspire, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.
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 To be fair I’m not just talking about porn here, but it probably grabbed your attention and what is written may make you think about the topic a bit differently; or not.
In response to From Desires of the Flesh to Deep Connection a reader felt that it was perhaps necessary to acknowledge that the desire for porn was real in order to transcend it, and asked for my thoughts. The word ‘real’ in there invoked a memory of sitting, (bizarrely) in a corporate management pow wow, listening to a young woman recite to us a poem she had written. The poem had conjured up images and feelings about the human body that felt more real to me than anything in the porn genre. She had written a poem about her post partum body, and all its glorious details and changes as they had related to each of the memories of the miracles that had occurred. The images she wove were those of the body being honoured as a map of that singular best example we have of co-creation on the planet today. You can imagine this gaggle of senior managers from a well known corporate brand all assembling for their usual run down on the month just gone, steeling in anticipation of the budgetary presentation and the like, cringing at the thought of what some well-meaning person may have dreamt up as a ‘fun’ part of the meeting this time. And here comes forward this young woman, laying it all bare in words, being real. Her voice had a nervous edge, and we all wondered what was about to be said. Although nervous, she projected strongly as she sank into her subject and recited to us verse after verse honouring her stretch marks as though each were a tender babe in itself to be held to the bosom. The whole audience was gripped and moved, if I knew who she was or where you could hear her poem I’d share it in a heartbeat. I remember no context for that particular diversion that day, I suspect someone had just heard it and thought it bold, brave and moving, so decided to include it for its inspirational qualities. And it was inspirational. I contrast that with something else I heard said once about a wife’s postpartum body “looks like a pound of mince mate, lucky if I can touch the sides”. Which do we want our sons and daughters to hear? As someone who has birthed two children into the world, I would not trade my body for the one I had at 19. I love the story my body has to tell about my journey, and to deny that is to deny who I am. To compete with an image of some nubile chick who is pretending to be in ecstasy in return for money would be insanity. If I’m being asked, then my observation is that porn is clever as it’s designed to appear as a simple tool of instant gratification, but its images speak to something deeper. It seems to play to the male ego and cuts off communication to the soul, invoking feelings of domination and submission and perpetuating the images of a dying patriarchal society. But bigger issues aside, on an individual level the question is whether that instant gratification leaves a feeling of love and fulfillment in your heart, or whether it leaves only loneliness or some other feelings of lacking? This is where each one of us has our own truth. If it takes you closer to happiness, then in your book it’s good, if it doesn’t then perhaps rethink. The fact that it proliferates in our time seems to me an indication not of its popularity, but of the desperation (not of the consumers) of those who wish to perpetuate the patriarchy that did not work and cannot lead us to a more enlightened and loving future. We think in images, and those we conjure up from within – especially those attached to strong positive emotions – are the most powerful tools of creation that exist. But we have become a world of lazy thinkers. Video makes it ever-easier to embed images in our minds rather than create those of our own imagination. Instead of focusing on the images presented to you externally, what if you took the time to focus on and create images of the best reality you could imagine for yourself? A friend of mine related her experience of intimacy once her partner had stopped viewing porn, she described him as more present, more attentive, and even more loving. Indeed to have your partner honour your body in the way the young woman’s poem did would be amazing, but that begins with each of us honouring ourselves. It does make me think about the images we hold in our common psyche of beauty generally. I tell my kids “beauty shines from within” but I have to really challenge myself on that to ensure I’m living in a way that reinforces that message. It’s not just about porn though, you could apply any of these principles to make up, food, cigarettes, drugs, clothes, or the multitude of things that are designed to make you look or feel better; do they? Do they make you feel better about your true authentic self? Do you even know your true self never mind loving who you are? Recently my partner exclaimed “wouldn’t it be great if you could just trade your body in for a younger version?” I paused and said “No. Think about the miracle our body is, grown from practically nothing visible to the eye. It weathers a lot, and it tells us quite pointedly that we need to change our attitude when we are not listening to our inner voice.” Now, don’t get the wisdom that flows through me mixed up with the Shona Keachie my partner actually lives with. I knew that I spoke that message because I needed to hear it. Needless to say that happened only a day or so before my kidney stone lesson, talk about needing to clear blockages! Coming back to the original question that was posed, do we need to acknowledge our desires in order to transcend them? Absolutely. Bringing awareness to the thoughts and emotions that reside within us is crucial. Understanding where those thoughts and images are seeded from is also extremely helpful. Volumes of images that are viewed externally, especially if they invoke emotions, will sadly seed quite well when there are no internal images in their place. So who is truly creating your reality? Is it you, or is it others/hype whom you have allowed to creep into your consciousness and become ‘real’? Forget about whether porn or anything else is good or bad, we need to learn to take hold of our own thoughts again. If we can relearn to appreciate the person that we are, the body we each have, and the circumstances we find ourselves in, we can start to feel good again about ourselves and others. Now wouldn’t that be something? I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others if they inspire, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  Lately I’ve heard a few things that have taken me from a place of “pah, political correctness gone mad” to a deeper understanding of our intrinsic connectedness.
Firstly there’s the podium girls and the grid girls, my partner mentioned internationally sports were pulling the plug on these types of roles. Then the next day there was a moment as we arrived home to our little suburban street, to witness the teenage girl across the road washing her car to the thumping sound of some totally demeaning rap lyrics blasting out from her stereo. I had my white middle aged suburban mom moment in my head, and the contrast to my ‘oh-so-cool’ younger years (those who know me may dispute this, but we shall just go with it for the contrast). I let it sit, “am I just getting older I wondered?” Well, yes, there is that, the wisdom of age. But it brought to mind another conversation I’d had with a friend recently about sex in long term relationships. With the demands of jobs and/or parenthood, this becomes a grey and dismal area for many. She was talking about the evolution of porn from magazines to video, and what that was creating in our society today. I’m going to join this up, as I did in my own head, with some interesting insights I’d gotten from reading about some ancient Vedic cultures. We are basically talking about the power of imagery. We create our reality with our thoughts, but we don’t imagine words, we imagine images. So those who can conjure images that stick in our minds – be it you, or someone in society that can create common images in the now or enduringly – have a powerful influence in our present reality. The issue is that most of us are unaware of both the inherited and learned images that play such a major part in how we perceive the world on a day to day basis. Sure, most acknowledge this to an extent with the marketing of brands that proliferate in our modern world. But then there have been many more powerful images than that. As I was reminded recently, a really common one is the white Caucasian Jesus. Given he hailed from the Middle East, the likelihood of this image being false is extremely high when you apply some common sense. Not wishing to offend by the next leap in my thinking, but the issue of false images brings me back to the conversation we were having about porn. The truth is, whether in a magazine or on the screen, the images that are projected have very little to do with what the vast majority would actually consider to entice intimacy. Sex is something that is only a part of a whole, especially in a long term relationship. If isolated it’s – at its best - a bit of sweaty bump and grind that leads to hopefully one person having at least a very fleeting moment of pleasure. At its worst, it’s damaging the connectedness rather than strengthening it. As my friend said, there’s no 1-2-3 in the bedroom that can even come close to the love felt when her man comes home and says “you sit down love, I’ll clear up the kitchen”. Interestingly my youngest daughter kept taking Gary Chapman’s ‘5 Love Languages’ book off the shelf and leaving it around lately. She cannot read but she likes the big loveheart picture on the front and so imagines it must be about something good. I haven’t read that book in years (possibly even decades), but its principles stuck with me from the first time I flipped its pages. The simple premise behind it is that we all express and feel love in different ways. For certain, not everyone would put any real weight on their partner recognizing their efforts in the kitchen, nor relieving them of those efforts. It’s not to say that we don’t all appreciate someone taking up the slack for us from time to time (or someone giving us a hug… or spending one on one time with us… or noticing our efforts and appreciating them rather than berating and criticizing… or even lavishing us with gifts), it’s more that each of us have a different pathway to love, so these things will mean more or less to you depending on your ‘love language’. Leading on from last week’s article on what our thought patterns are really doing for us, one of the most important points to note are the images the thought patterns create in your head, and to question whether these images are healthy or not, are they images that create feelings of love? Sure, we all had some version of damage that came from our childhood, but what about all these external images that we openly subject ourselves to? What are the lyrics of the songs you’re listening to? What are the TV programmers you are watching saying to you about life? What is the news you are reading telling you? What are the games you are playing doing? Don’t underestimate the power of images that get conjured. Each image that desensitizes us to crime, violence or hatred, or engenders fear or aggression is a step away from love and connection. What images must that teenage girl have in her head, for her to think she is being cool listening to that crap? The urge to walk across and tell her she was worth more than the picture being painted by her music was internalized. She doesn’t know me from a bar of soap, so rather than come off as a moralizing old bag, I trust she will hear her lessons when she is ready for them. However, it was obviously my time to hear them, and to wake up to more of the falsehoods that surround us and stand in our way of the deep connectedness that lies within us. The point is that the desires of the flesh are deeply connected to all our other interactions and connectedness. Listening to the demeaning lyrics of a song creates images in your head, reading or watching porn, watching TV, reading news, playing games… on and on… do exactly the same. The question we each have to ask ourselves – and our children as they emerge into young adulthood - is whether these images are pathways to love and connectedness or quite the opposite? I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others if they inspire, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  “What the…?” my eyes flew wide open, the pain having just seared through my side. “This doesn’t seem right” was my next thought, as I dialed the national health helpline, who – after a few pointed questions - dispatched an ambulance. 8 hours and several episodes of birthing-like pain and tests later, the diagnosis, a kidney stone.
Now I could dwell on the physical level of what causes of kidney stones but, if you want to avoid them, drink lots of water to flush out any fragments before they get a chance to form. No, I was more interested in the real cause; what I was thinking, feeling etc to cause something that really got my attention. I’m pretty healthy as a rule but, if I’m honest, I knew I’d been in a bit of a funk lately. With almost two months of looking after the kids, meaning little ‘me’ time (it’s our summer holidays here), mum dying and a mammoth trip to the other side of the world with us all in tow, I had gotten caught up in some rather unhelpful thought patterns. Thankfully I’ve been in the habit of taking 15 minutes each day to meditate for a couple of years now, so, despite the chaos around me, I was at least aware of the nonsense that filled my head. I just didn’t think it was as serious as all that to indulge in it for a while. I’m not talking about anything much different to what is probably planted in most people’s heads. For example, I was brought up in an environment where it was important that I tidied up after myself. So, as a mother of two little ones, and a partner who does not object to a bit of mothering himself, I often find myself tidying up after everyone and resenting the heck out it. On the face of it, you would think this fairly harmless. But think about it logically. I start resenting the kids for doing their tidying, where does that take me, they are young kids after all? That road can too easily lead to anger or apathy, depending on what I decide to do about it. Neither healthy. As for my partner, well, when you get on the vibe of resenting your nearest and dearest, that can quickly spiral into a whole load of other thoughts on the same wavelength – whether the thoughts even relate specifically to that relationship is irrelevant. In fact, when you get on that wavelength, bang, practically everything you ever thought or felt in relation to resentment in a relationship gets served up in one sonic energy boom into your consciousness. The next thing you know, “that is it, the relationship is over, it’s a matter of principle, being treated like that!!”reverberates through you. Thankfully I didn’t go there, I just birthed a kidney stone instead. A painful reminder that what I am thinking and feeling is entirely at my will. I can be right or I can be well. Talking to a friend of mine recently, she was recounting some pretty upsetting interactions with her very much grown up daughter that had taken place over the holidays. Her daughter doesn’t like being yelled at, it has its roots in her childhood as it does for all of us. So, long story short, someone yelled and ba-boom, out spews this tirade that had very little to do with the actual conversation at hand. What followed was a dramatic exit and weeks of awkward interactions that left everyone bruised and never really got resolved. Old thought patterns are very seductive; their old familiar feeling makes them nestle right back on in there, in their spurious self-righteous indignation. Let’s take apart this example, shine some common sense onto it. Being tidy, is it worth losing the people I love over? More importantly, is it worth losing my self-love? All those hours of feeling bad, harbouring those unhelpful thoughts? I’m not saying let’s all go to hell in a handcart and live in some stinking mess of our own creation. Oh, did you hear that? That is exactly what we could consider we are doing as a human race on the much bigger planetary level. That is probably what I am feeling more, truth be told. This man-made world of ours that I seek to keep so tidy, throwing away mountains of rubbish each year, giving away mountains of consumable toys, having to continually upkeep houses that last only decades, cars that last much less, all of which is such a gross waste of energy. Instead of loving and appreciating the planet we live in, living with it and all of the natural resources it provides us symbiotically, we rip into it, like a child ripping into a Michelangelo masterpiece to use it in a creation of its own. “Look at us, we are so clever” we think, “so technologically advanced”. Yes I do like to be tidy, “tidy house, tidy mind”. But was I really created to tidy my environment constantly? Or is that just a result of the man-made society we have constructed? Big questions over being tidy. And so they should be, we have to start thinking beyond our powerfully embedded self-absorbing, self-defeating thought patterns. Sure, I could beat the drum of being tidy so loudly that my partner and kids submit and take on their own self-absorbed energy about the whole issue. Or I could go and find someone really tidy to sate the little tidiness ego inside. Or I can see all of this for the distraction it is. I was not created to tidy, I am absolutely sure when I worked out a blueprint for this life on the planet, I did not specify tidying up after everyone as my purpose, or any part of the deal. It’s more likely I specified feeling the flow of the eternal wellbeing and love that exists as important. So when I get these fairly trite examples in my life, and they get louder and louder until they manifest in the absolute agony of a kidney stone, I get the clarity I need to knock me out of that funk. Back up the truck a bit, with the school year in sight I had started to turn my thoughts back to what I wanted to focus on this year. I had actually recognized that I needed to let the love in. I read a book recently where an older man was talking about the animals of our planet (even ‘dangerous’ ones) generally nurturing, rather than harming, children in need. He cited a child’s most dominant state of love as the reason. Yet we adults live more in a dominant state of fear and aggression, and so we elicit the same from our surroundings. This really made sense to me, and resonated deeply. So what to do about the little ‘tidy’ drum beating? Or the ‘being shouted at’ drum, or whatever montage of drums we each have going on distracting us from the most important message of all – to love ourselves? We have to start beating the drum of love, it is that simple. When I think back to my thoughts leading up to the kidney stone, it seems quite pertinent that I had just had a conversation with my mentor who said “just take it on then, let love be your predominant state”. And so in my quiet moments, the ones where I was going to dive into doing something (like tidying up…) I began stepping aside for 5 minutes of relaxation instead, I had a conversation in my head that said “come on in love, take a look around, feel free to have a clean out, let’s get rid of anything unhelpful”. So what do I take from that? Well, for a start, I’d probably recommend adding on something like “gently” to that intent if it resonates! However, thanks to that kidney stone, despite its pain, the contrasting outcome is a sharp clarity. And I should add that the love came, in the form of some amazing friends and family, and most importantly, the peace within. So I urge you to keep even what you’d consider benign thoughts on your watch list. As you become aware of them, reach for the love instead. That doesn’t mean you let everyone walk all over you, just that you start to look at the world through a different pair of lenses that can only see the most loving action for you to take. I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others if they inspire, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You. |
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