Image by Larisa Koshkina from Pixabay

A good friend of mine asked how I could both feel a lack of confidence in myself and yet have had a successful corporate career. It’s an interesting question and one many people might resonate with. The answer for me is quite simple; I never really brought all of me to the workplace, just the parts I was confident would be accepted.

But, as I often say, I wanted to learn how to learn to live life from the inside out, rather than keep parts of me packed away that I deemed “unacceptable” in some way. When I left my corporate career I moved cities, changed my lifestyle and my predominant focus was on the job of raising my kids, it still is.

Along the way I have listened, read, studied, analysed and absorbed huge amounts of information on the human psyche and really taken a good look at that inner world of mine whose entire landscape looked so different to my outer world nine years ago. I have regularly shared all that I’ve learned in a bid to find my true voice, and to presence the “real me” in the world.

Tomorrow I am taking a trip back to that city I left all those years ago. While I have done some consulting and coaching over that time, for the first time in nine years I will be attending a corporate type event there to support someone close to me. It’s a strange feeling, not at all negative, quite the opposite; I’m looking forward to it.

I’m curious to see how the conversations flow and how I feel. Incidentally someone mentioned to me earlier today about focusing on receiving – as me, the authentic essence of who I am rather than a version of me I deem acceptable. Well that can only happen if I presence the whole of me.

A small thing that used to regularly happen in my old roles, my skin would often get flushed when I was talking to someone I didn’t know, or directly to a group of people, the feel inside was “who am I to say this?”. I would also commonly see it in other people in interviews and other high stakes situations, but for me it was an indicator of the level of comfort I felt in my own skin.

I was knowledgeable and experienced in my arena, and I was knowledgeable about personality types, style preferences and the many other facets of human psychology and motivation that had been commonly dissected and prolifically written about in the last fifty years or more but there was so much more I sensed and felt.

As I listened to Tami Simon, Founder and CEO of Sounds True – a large, successful multimedia publisher – talk about her tussle with the phrase “spiritual entrepreneurship” I recognised that one of the biggest mismatches within me back then was not just my reluctance to talk about the context in which I see, approach and navigate life, but I lacked the understanding and the language with which to draw it out and discuss it on any level far less one integrated with my work.

Yet in the intervening years, many of my deep dives into learning have been on the topic of energy. Back in my corporate days, when asked, I simply stated my belief that we are all part of one energy coming into and out of form. This was an incredibly ambiguous understanding of life, and was something more just as a felt experience. Since then I have learned much more on how to harness my energy and find it an endlessly fascinating subject regardless of whether it’s scientific, experiential or anecdotal in nature.

The other major aspect about people I had a more of a sense for back then but, again, lacked the knowledge and experience to put it into useful language, is the outdated, dysfunctional and destructive patterns of behaviour that often occur between people whether in work, personal or other types of interdependent relationships.

Really I was “in it” all back then, I was living the dysfunctional patterns, I was sucked into a world that had me competing for energy, and only by being “in it” intensely for an extended period of time was I able to fully grasp the understanding of it all when I finally decided enough was enough.

What I wanted was to be and have all of me understood, seen and present, for that to be good enough and not too much. In order to do that I had to understand myself, then I had to learn skills to presence those parts of me that I’d kept hidden, and put the dysfunctional parts of me that were no longer serving a purpose in their rightful place – the past.

Just this week I had been talking to my partner about updating his bio on a particular website and we were contemplating the wording around the presence he brings to the learning arena when he facilities leadership development courses. A recent participant in one of his courses had been talking about this, and how comfortable they had felt in his presence in being able to open up and learn and share.

This is because he is so comfortable with himself, the materials and the technology (which can often go wrong) that there’s very little focus on his inner world, he is able to be more fully present on the learners’ side of the fence. That is the comfort level I want to feel within myself and embody when around others.

In fact one of the principles Tami Simon was talking about was Leading with Presence. She took some time to define what she meant by the state of presence and started by defining what it feels like to her when she is with someone who is embodying presence:

“There’s an openness, a spaciousness, a welcome anything quality about them, both grounded and big at the same time – big as in receptive, anything could be said or shared. There’s a feeling of care, their hearts are present, and a type of immediate generosity, they’re not distracted, they’re not sketchy, they’re not trying to convince me of something and , also, it’s attractive, it’s a quality I want to be around, it soothes me, helps bring out my best, I feel connected.”

She makes the point that we can be these people who embody presence for the people we work with, and when we do we bring out the best in other people “Being in presence, acting from presence, creating from presence is tremendously rewarding. We experience ourselves as undivided, we are in the moment, fully engaged, it feels good, we feel good. It feels substantial.”

That is exactly where I set my compass when I exited the corporate world in that city all those years ago, and now as I revisit I can feel just how far I have come on that journey. I don’t think I’m comfortably operating there “out in the world” consistently by any means, it’s more like I was transplanted and the shoots are now emerging.

I am now in a state of curiosity rather than fear, and I know I have the skills to stand in my authenticity and navigate whatever life throws my way. It might be that my conversations start out a bit clunky, but with time and continuing curiosity in others I know that my own confidence will grow. 

What about you? Are your inner and outer worlds in alignment? Are you able to return to a state of presence time and again? If so, what advice do you have for others? And – if not – what can you do to experience yourself as less divided, in the moment, fully engaged, and substantial?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Live ‘what is’ – Choose This Moment, Meditation – the Cornerstone to Your Success, Give Yourself the Gift of Presence to Relieve the Torture of Stress, Presence Your True Needs, Talents and Desires to Step Into the State of Fullness, You Will Flourish When You Take Alone Time to Hear Your Heart and Normal Is Dysfunctional That Is the Growth Opportunity. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I’ve noticed lately how sarcastic I have been and suspect it’s because I revisited my roots in the UK recently, sarcasm and self depreciation were definitely two tenets of my upbringing. Fortunately my partner finds my commentary quite amusing most of the time but when I made a comment about something being nice recently and he asked “Are you being serious?” I thought perhaps it’s time to be a bit more mindful of getting those old patterns back under control.

Then I was listening to an interview with Maggie Smith, author of the poem Good Bones that went viral in 2016, being interviewed about her memoir called You Could Make This Place Beautiful. She was being asked about what inspires her to write and she was saying that she often hears, sees, smells, touches or tastes something that captures her attention and notes it down. Later when she revisits it, the things she writes about that naturally snowball from that initial thought are often things that make her uncomfortable.

My sarcasm and self depreciation are such things.

But I was quite literally immersed in a culture of these for a long time. They’re so familiar and comfortable, so easy to slip into it, yet really sarcasm is a very passive aggressive way of poking fun and criticizing and self depreciation can keep people small.

That said it has been many years since sarcasm was my predominant mode of communication, having spent a long time living with someone where - if I ever delivered a mere whiff of anything remotely critical - it wouldn’t go well if I was sarcastic, so then I learned to remain silent much of the time. This does nothing to help create healthy boundaries.  

I also have a difficult relationship with self depreciation. While trying to make oneself, your abilities or your achievements seem less important, seems to be the accepted modus operandi in many cultures, it doesn’t actually make it easy to speak confidently or feel as confident about any of those things.

That lack of confidence again feeds into poor boundaries, one of the biggest unhealthy patterns I’ve been learning to overcome in recent years. It also feeds into difficulties in promoting the kind of help I can offer people; the skills, abilities and experience that can make a difference in other’s lives.

It’s interesting to reflect on these things that seemed so natural when I was growing up, and the ways in which those habits really keep me from fully, healthily and confidently expressing myself and living my best life. And also how many people I may have inadvertently insulted along the way?

One analogy Maggie Smith made was how all these versions of us are still in there, like a set of Russian dolls. The goal is to integrate them so they are a unified whole rather than warring factions. Since I find it uncomfortable to confront my sarcasm, it tells me I haven’t achieved the kind of inner peace I’d like with that part of me.

The same when it comes to any self depreciating behaviour. It is the fear of being seen to display opposite behaviours – like being seen as cocky, overbearing or, worst of all, bigheaded – that drives me to the opposite end of the spectrum. It would be more balanced to cultivate a healthy sense of confidence and have humility.

Further on in her interview, Maggie was talking about life as a single parent and main caregiver and was asked about the lessons she’d learned from the breakdown of her marriage and whether her reflections in writing her memoirs had led her to imagine the type of partner and relationship she would now like.

As she was responding, a younger version of me resonated with her when she talked about preferring to live separately to another partner as – while she is solely responsible for the house and kids that gives her clarity in what she is responsible for and doesn’t allow resentment to occur.

That was exactly how I had felt too a couple of years ago, but it makes for a lonely existence. Maggie said she doesn’t trust that her unhealthy caregiving patterns not to kick in again. That is great recognition and honesty. However, it also helped me see that this was an area of my own life that once upon a time would have also made me uncomfortable.

Nowadays, after doing work on learning about and cultivating secure attachment, learning about my own needs, wants and desires, learning about boundaries and how to hold conversations to communicate about them and hold them, now I feel more comfortable and confident about cohabiting again in the future.

What I also feel very comfortable with is feeling uncomfortable. I see it as a sign that there is something juicy for me to look at. It doesn’t mean I’ll be able to leap right in and change my response at the outset, but it does indicate there’s something for me to look at, perhaps some skills I need to learn, or risks I need to take in order to grow and live my best life.

In the last few weeks, what are the sorts of things that have come up for you and made you feel uncomfortable? Why do they make you uncomfortable? If you could wave a magic wand would you like to feel more confident about that? Perhaps life is presenting you with an invaluable growth opportunity, will you take it?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How Would It Feel to Have More Ease, Joy and Flow in Your Life?, The Almighty Growth Opportunity in Dealing With Emotionally Unavailable People, Are You Willing to Take Your Sovereignty While Allowing Other People Theirs? and Normal Is Dysfunctional That Is the Growth Opportunity. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

One of the things I’ve really been struggling lately is shifting gears between the different areas of my life, and being able to be fully present in each one. I had heard once that men find it easier to compartmentalize than women but, whether it’s true or not, I don’t think compartmentalizing is the answer.

I think of it like stuffing all the toys back into the toy box and forgetting they’re there. In fact one definition of compartmentalizing is it’s a form of psychological defence mechanism in which thoughts and feelings that seem to conflict are kept separate or isolated from each other in the mind.

Those with post traumatic stress disorder may use compartmentalizing as a way to separate positive and negative aspects of themselves – though in truth we all tend to be a conglomeration of parts with different (and often conflicting) beliefs about ourselves and the world. Our stress levels and psychological state often determine which part of us in the driving seat and which narratives we have playing in our head.

For me it’s all about the different roles I play in life, and how I shift between them with ease and grace. With my kids living between two residences, there are days when I’m fully in school mum mode, and other days when the practicalities of drop offs, pick-ups, pack lunches and homework are not my responsibility. For any parent, though, they will understand that doesn’t mean I can fully shift out of parenting mode.

In my kids absence this last couple of days I’ve still been contending with applications for secondary education, juggling dental appointments, planning and organizing for upcoming birthdays, holidays and so forth, as well as hearing downloads of their day and giving advice and cheering on where necessary.

Then there’s me in my role as partner, sometimes it’s just us, other times it’s us and the kids, and those can be quite different modes energetically. That’s aside of socializing with friends which again can be alone, with my partner of the kids or both, and then there’s me-time.

Me time can be the things I do that are about self care, health and wellbeing, or it can be about focusing on sculpting what comes next in my career, whether it’s study, contemplation, or exploration and trying out different things.

It’s in my nature to get fully engrossed in what I’m doing, particularly in that last part where I’m sculpting and in the process of creation; I suspect I could get endlessly lost in there. Yet it’s inevitable that none of the toys from each of these boxes are ever fully locked away in my heart or mind. But crossing from one to the other and back again can take a tremendous amount of energy, particularly if it involves some of my least favoured tasks and commitments.

And in the very serendipitous way it does, life has presented me with reminders of antidotes – from two different sources this week – that have the potential to help me manage these gears changes with more grace and ease.

The first was in a podcast about reverse meditation with Andrew Holecek. It reminded me that the key to ease is to sit with the pain. I think of it as symbolically sitting down at the kitchen table with those uncomfortable feelings embodied as a part of me sitting across from me with a cup of tea, while I look them right in the eye and listen good to what they have to say.

Andrew says that “When we are being invited – and sometimes even pushed – out of our comfort zones, this is where the rubber meets the road, it’s where growth really takes place”.

He points out that meditation, much like sport, can mean many things to many different people. There is a level of calming the mind, which is often referred to as mindfulness, but it offers so much more and “we are invited to go much further, so much deeper, where we can say yes to whatever arises”. 

He cites Krishnamurti who – when he was allegedly asked in the latter stages of his life after 70 something years of teaching – “What is the secret to your unflappable contentment?” he responded “I don’t mind what happens”. I think this is a beautiful reminder to lean into what is unwanted and see what it has to offer as a lesson for growth.

Andrew’s approach has developed over the years after first being introduced to the principles of it over a quarter century ago in a three-year retreat which was a traditional training in the Tiebetan Buddist curriculum. He says his confidence and conviction really comes from his direct personal experience because, although he has done exhaustive literature analysis and study in other traditions also, his real confidence comes from intensive exposure and practice.

I think this is true of all of us, if I put into practice the things that resonate with me then I become an advocate of them. Isn't it bliss the way our essence just pulls in what's in alignment with our unique vibration?

The second great antidote to my discomfort came from finally reading through some material from Claire Zammit that I’ve had for a few years now, about learning the meta skills that catalyze the functional skills of writing, coaching, facilitation, leading etc - learning what really makes the difference between someone solid in these skills versus those people who really seem to crack others open and light them up with (what appears from the outside to be) a magical ability to generate ideas, connections and catalyze breakthroughs that inspire awe.

I find Claire interesting because she came into her present work having been a solid coach and then doing a PhD to understand what makes that difference between someone good and someone phenomenal. In her research she interviewed and got to know many successful people. I think that may have been how she met Dr Jean Houston whose Quantum Powers course I did through Claire’s company Feminine Power a few years ago.

Jean is in her late 80s now, she did her apprenticeship with the iconic anthropologist Margaret Mead, and she met all sorts of interesting people like Einstein. She's been working in the field of human potential for half a century and really gets the science behind quantum transformation.

All of this lends to the depth and resonance I feel in Claire’s work, where she talks about the fundamental underpinning of all meta skills, the skill to be present and to create space to allow for meaningful interaction. She says "There is really no such thing as a resistant client or resistant group, what there is, is the absence of a space of depth for transformation to happen".

Hers is a three-part process to cultivate presence, and one of those is also a three-part process on where your attention lies. She recommends that firstly you bring your attention into you, bringing awareness into yourself, breathing down into your belly. Then you take your attention out to the edges of the room, becoming aware of the space in and around you and, only then, your attention goes onto the other person (or people). She also recommends imagining you are communicating deeply, belly breath to belly breath.

Well that is my one paragraph take on what obviously has more nuances when learned and practiced.

When I reflect on these antidotes to the stress I’ve found in changing gears, I have heard similar things presented in different ways from different sources at different points in my life, but these two just clicked into place nicely this week and were good reminders to lean into what I was feeling and how to create space within and around me to connect with others.

What about you, do you struggle in shifting gears between the different people and areas of your life? If so, what practices could you start or revisit in order to cultivate more of a sense of spaciousness and ease around those gear changes?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Shift Focus and Make Time for You, Want Better Health? Be Shrewd About Stress, Meditation – the Cornerstone to Your Success, How to Make Me-Time a Top Priority  and Meditation 2.0 – The Road to Enlightenment? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Having to make a tough decision this week to say goodbye to our cat, a most faithful and loving companion over the last seventeen years, I was mulling over all the options and their repercussions. Simultaneously I was thinking through the best way to approach it with the kids and how to walk with them through the grief process, particularly since they were at their other home at the time.

Reflecting on the ways the kids handled themselves in previous times when faced with loss and change, my partner asked whether I ever give myself credit for the way I handle things?

Then listening to a podcast with Friedemann Schaub on Becoming the Empowered Leader of Your Own Mind, I was again drawn to look at some of the internal narratives going on in my head. I was constantly searching for the ways I could have done things differently, been better, rather than cutting myself a break and recognizing that my cat had had a long and happy life. Even in the last few years when she had been declining in health, she hadn’t suffered and was – until last week when she got really sick – a happy and vibrant cat.

Friedemann was asked how he had overcome his own inner critic, the often subconscious narrative that can determine our quality of life through our emotional state and wellbeing. He pointed to our inner essence and how, even though we can connect with this at times and feel into the fullness of ourselves and know we are enough, this is like a GPS system that we – as the drivers of our lives – can ignore.  

He talked about the way we speak to ourselves and make decisions through our subconscious and conscious minds and likened the narrative to the way we were spoken to growing up. Schaub pointed out that we often speak to and think of our loved ones in ways we ourselves would benefit from, yet we retain the harshest of the voices as our own inner critic, mostly in our subconscious mind.

In overcoming this, aside of learning how to tune in and hear what we are actually saying to ourselves, it’s also about reprogramming the voice, about learning to appreciate those qualities, decisions and actions that validate our inherent “enoughness”.

I could hear the similarity between what he was pointing to and what my partner had asked me, and I could also see the pervasive way I’m tough on myself, and expect a lot – probably too much most of the time. Despite knowing I can’t be everything to everyone, I admit that the narratives running my thought processes still expect that when left unchecked.

I like serendipities, and I like Friedemann’s pragmatism, I liked his practice of taking time out on a daily basis to recognise the many ways in which I am already good enough. To his point, it’s not all weighted on singular big decisions either, it’s about recognising the many unseen decisions we make every day that point to more of our “enoughness”.

Recognizing where we are being enough is only one aspect of retraining the inner critic to an inner cheerleader. Not feeling that we are enough is just one narrative, apparently one of the most common narratives, but there are many and can all coexist: being too much, being different, being a burden, being alone, being crazy, being a failure and so on. All narratives that don’t serve our wellbeing.

So I’ve created a reminder each day on my phone to take a moment to reflect on and appreciate the decisions I’ve made that day that support my wellbeing. I know just how harmful the stress created by my inner critic can be to my health, and it’s down to me to change that narrative and adjust my own expectations of myself.

As I say that I’m busy typing this reflection aware that I’m feeling guilty about the time it’s taking away from being present with my partner today, despite the fact he is cheering me on. I still have this awareness of other people’s emotional landscapes and desires and a narrative in my head about fulfilling those and I’ve been beating myself up for not getting this done at an earlier opportunity.

Despite the irrationality of that, given the busy week I’ve had, I know it is all a delicate balance and I will take the time later today to appreciate that I have kept my commitment to myself in reflecting and typing up the week’s growth opportunities. I will also take the opportunity to reflect on the many lovely moments I have had with my partner this week.

The irony is, if there was one teacher in my life that modeled being enough, it was my cat. Cats universally seem to just exude enoughness and mine was no exception. She would simply eat, drink, go out for a mosey around, come sit on my lap or take herself off for a nap elsewhere in a cozy spot whenever she felt like it.

In what ways is your inner critic being constantly harsh on you?  If you were someone you love, what would you tell yourself instead? Is time to perhaps recognise all the ways in which you are already good enough and deliberately practice retraining your inner critic into an inner cheerleader?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Value Your Uniqueness, Make the Choice to Feel Better About Yourself and Your Life, An Open Letter to an Old Friend, Here Is a New Paradigm - Ask “Is This Good Enough for ME?” and I Am Enough.  To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Listening to a broadcast with Evette Rose earlier today on Finding Yourself Again, she said something that really resonated. It was along the lines of “To reconnect back to ourselves, our identity, who we are, what we want, what we need and what we like, requires some alone time. All these aspects of self become deeply challenged, influenced and tainted when our focus is so challenged just trying to cope, there’s no energy for it to be redirected back to us”.

Having just returned from an extended trip with my children, visiting friends and family who live so far away, it has been around two months since I last had any meaningful alone time. I’m talking about time that did not have anything or anyone scheduled into it and had no purpose other than to reconnect with myself.

I felt this all the more acutely because on the first day that I was set to have some time to myself, one of my offspring was sick and had to stay home from school. That is when it really hit me just how much I had been hanging on, awaiting that precious time. Thankfully, the day after she was well enough to go back to school and the kids were also staying at their dad’s that night. At last, a treasured twenty four hours with no plans.

I used the time to journal, to meditate, to take a walk on the beach and to connect in with my inner self. While doing so a conversation I had with my brother on the trip popped into my head. I had been reflecting on a strong personality I’d come across on my travels and how they like to be in control in order to remain confident and secure. He chuckled and asked who that might remind me of, and I conceded, smiling “Yes, yes, it takes one to know one, I know”.

Years ago my mum called me a control freak when I was making sandwiches for a picnic and she asked what she could do to help. While I’m generally a very organized person, I’m not great at assigning tasks to others in the moment, especially with two young kids in the background who also simultaneously wanted my attention. My brain seems to get overwhelmed and I freeze up, it’s easier just to work through things on my own.

I realised then that the very thing I had a pattern of trying to control was my own overwhelm.

During Evette’s broadcast she asked lots of questions like “Who are you (top three descriptions)? What are your strengths/weaknesses? What are your values? What gives you a sense of purpose/impact/meaning?” and so forth.

My sense of purpose has been on my mind forever but, certainly with the big trip, it’s been in focus as people have asked me time and again what I’m doing these days. Of the possibilities that exist, I am conscious that many of the choices are still a few years away since much of my time is still wrapped up in parenting. Yet many people have pointed out to me that I already make a difference in the way that I parent.

Over the years I have become increasingly aware how much productivity and economic contribution from adults is prized and expected above all else, I was very good at those things in my corporate life. Yet there are many others forms of contribution required this world in order for humanity to thrive, parenting being just one.

Really when I think about my sense of purpose it’s about being of service using my core strengths to help people connect in some way to their personal power and face psychological, emotional or spiritual challenges. It’s also about how we evolve the systems in society that are no longer serving us. How to help though, in ways that are uniquely me, is the (mainly elusive) question?

I liken this to walking through gardens and looking at a bed of flowers. Except in this case the flowers might be metaphorical careers, like writers or those who help people one on one, like coaches and psychotherapists. I identify with each “bed” a little, but not entirely. Instead I feel like I’m somewhere in a bed that is being cultivated and I just need time, nutrition and space enough to hold my sense of self long enough to pop through the surface and grow.

So when Evette asked about fears I thought instantly that my greatest fear is probably losing space that is already in short supply, space for connecting to myself and contemplating. I have a contemplative personality, a sensitivity I have run roughshod over in this society that values productivity.

I also fear the unknown at times. I wonder how can I define what I have to offer so it more closely matches who I am? How will I connect to my tribe? And so forth.

But when she asked what kind of person I want to be? What kind of people I admire and how can I cultivate these qualities? I knew straight away I want to be relaxed, at peace, trusting and trusted, helpful, inspired and inspiring. The most important quality is that connection to me.

I realise that overcoming my fears is a question of maintaining healthy boundaries around my “me” time, to allow the time to find myself again – over and over.  It’s as simple as that. Not easy, because life is busy and we have to make choices. As difficult as it can be, as much as I don’t like to let others down, I am starting to choose “me” more, because when I do it all flows from there.

Listening to a  beautiful podcast the other day with Belinda Womack, it had some great reminders of the massive support that's there seemingly shifting everything subtly behind the scenes in favour of my best and highest outcomes.  When I look in the rear view mirror and see how things lined up for me in the past, I can easily see the vast amount of things I didn't and couldn't have personally foreseen or planned. 

And I know deeply within my fibers that when I feel connected to me I see those signs and hear my inner guidance much more clearly. Where inspiration flows I shall follow the symbols, signs and furiously ride the wave from that standpoint rather than swimming against the tide. All of it stems from connecting into me.

What about you, what areas of your life would benefit from more “me” time? And how will you make this a priority?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Shift Focus and Make Time for You, You Will Flourish When You Take Alone Time to Hear Your Heart, The Power of Time Out This Holiday Season - Reconnect With the Real You and What to Do if You Feel Trapped By Your Circumstances.  To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

“What’s for you won’t go by you” is an old Scots’ phrase that my gran used to repeat often. It always resonated for me, and so I know not to ever regret decisions I’ve made in life because, one way or another, what is meant to be will be.

As I headed back to my adopted land with my children from a busy, month long trip to reconnect with family and friends in the land of my birth, I was thinking that - first and foremost - I must come home to myself. In reconnecting with others I found aspects of me there, and felt sated where I found them.

But it also feels like parts of me are still missing, I cannot say what they are, but I will only find them when alone. I need to reconnect with me, and my life in New Zealand allows for that, in many ways it is a simpler life and closer to nature.

Meanwhile there is the familiar grief, encompassing the usual feelings of returning from a long awaited vacation, but also more than that. There is a nagging thought “Why did I move quite so far from all that I knew and those that I loved all those years ago?”

It’s not that I regret moving from the place I was born, and it’s that not that I don’t love the place I’ve moved to, just that those worlds are quite so far from each other. As Helen Keller said “What we once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us”.

In perfect timing – and by coincidence as I was reading text from an unrelated email - I saw the words “It is too late to alter this circumstance, you must move on. Worrying is useless since you can't alter anything”. There was the truth I needed to hear, the one that put the ache in my heart into context.

Of course it won’t be true forever, but right now it is, and I trust that that this means it also serves a purpose beyond providing stability for the children. There will be ways, likely many ways, in which being where I am right now serves me. What that helped me do though was face “what is” instead of resisting it, and wishing I could change something I can’t.

But I am not going to bypass my feelings, I feel sorrow, of that there is no doubt. And I feel gratitude for the grieving process because that means there is something wonderful I miss, and that means there was – and still is – a lot of love for the people and land of my birth.

Henry David Thoreau said “Never smother your sorrow, but tend and cherish it ‘til it comes to have a separate and integral interest”. So I shall sit with my feelings as if I’m sitting with someone of great interest, and I shall open up to what they might actually be pointing to beyond that which may seem obvious.

What I’m searching for is a new perspective they might have to offer, or a seed of some new thought that will help me in my journey ahead. As if to affirm my process I received an email about spiritual bypassing this morning and Danielle LaPorte said:

“Spiritual bypassing is when you put a spiritual spin on a negative to avoid uncomfortable feelings. Before you find the gift in the pain, you have to face the pain in the gift”.

What that will reveal I have yet to discover. I will intentionally journal about it, and set aside time to ponder and process it, until I feel it is done and I have integrated the decision I made with the fabric of me.

In the not-too-distant past I did this with a bad relationship and, by not just diving on into another relationship, I learned the joy and benefits of being on my own for a while. I leaned about the unhealthy thought and behaviour patterns I’d been playing out time and again in attracting unhealthy relationships. I sat with my pain, I honoured it and I learned about boundaries, secure attachment, self love and authentic communication.

Instead of looking for people, things, circumstances outside of myself to take away my pain, I looked upon it as a teacher and learned the lessons it had to share. As a result, my life and particularly my primary relationship, is so much richer and healthier for having done so. 

Where is there sorrow in your life that you haven’t really dealt with? In what ways might that be affecting you? Is it time to get curious, sit down with the pain and see what lessons it has to offer, and the ways it might enhance the quality of your life in doing so?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Mankind’s Great Summons: Turn Your Pain Into Medicine and Heal the World, Reconnect With Loved Ones to Gain Some Perspective on Life, The Inevitable Pain of Returning to Love After Years of Abandoning Yourself and Pain as a Powerful Catalyst for Self Awareness and Growth.  To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

If I see, read or hear a phrase that really puts words to something I already feel or have experienced – whether or not it’s contained within a book, movie, someone’s belief, forecast or something I don’t otherwise resonate with - I capture it and weave it into the tapestry of “me”. It gives me greater clarity on who I am and my journey in this life.

It can be as simple as picking up a random book and reading a random sentence then interpreting how it may apply to any current dilemmas. As I’m on the move at the moment visiting family and friends, I haven’t had a lot of time or space for reading, reflection and contemplation. But even just scrolling through and keeping my email inbox tidy, a few things have popped out at me.

It was fun scanning through some astrological and tarot reading promotional emails. In my experience some people throw out the baby with the bathwater when it comes to anything prophetic.  Whereas I take what resonates and ditch the rest. That is the hack, it’s my quick way to my truth.

Words like “A new chapter is about to unfold”, “Life is a series of ebb and flow. As one chapter ends another begins” and “You’re at a pivotal moment in your life where you have an opportunity to unveil the deeper meaning to everything you’ve gone through thus far” really hit home.

I certainly feel myself on the brink of a new creative era and endeavours, I’ve been moving through a transit period as I have revisited the country where I was born and caught up with many of the people in my life who I love and grew up with. The question that I’ve been asked time and again over the last month is “So what are you doing now/going to do next?” While I write, coach and parent, what comes next still remains elusive; I had been hoping I’d gain some clarity while on the move.

To that end, I’m attuned to any words that help me find clarity and direction. Here are some questions that stood out among many of the things I’ve scanned while keeping my inbox tidy:

• What do you think would make you happy?
• Do you have a sense of accomplishment? Could you give me a sense of accomplishment?
• What might you do to make your life me complete?
• Is there already completeness or goodness in your life that you can’t see or appreciate?

But there were many many other words that caught my attention in just the last few days. Here is a conglomeration that describes perfectly who I am and the journey so far:

I aspire to being a better parent, spouse and, most importantly, an emotionally mature person. I seek to be kind, loving and compassionate. Family will always come first.

We have been taught to give our power away to circumstances and tend to believe we only feel good when something good happens. This creates a dangerous loop as it is our emotional state that manifests our circumstances, not the other way around.

My instinctive reaction is to control my emotional responses, keep my feelings under lock and key, and view things objectively. However this outward stability can mask deep pain and anxiety within. Rather than repressing emotions, which leads to poor health and depression, I am learning to let down my guard to allow myself to rely on the support of others.

The goal is also to learn to share some of the responsibilities I place on my shoulders with others. Through this, and showing my vulnerabilities, I have released many negative emotional patterns and unconscious fears. Much of my focus has been on developing empathy, self love and openness to dissolve walls put up to protect myself and find greater closeness with loved ones.

The main goal of maintaining peace and prosperity, which includes maintaining peace in and around people I love and care about, will always be assisting people in identifying what they are experiencing and determining how to address bad feelings. The same applies to me, this wisdom has been acquired through personal experience and empathy.

I have an innate understanding of the human condition and communication, which allows me to sense the mood and body language of others simply by looking at them or chatting to them briefly. I also have an ability to change personality and style effortlessly, to blend in with social surroundings. While that may serve me well in some situations it also means I can (and have) explain(ed) everything away with inventive excuses, keeping the heavy emotions of past mistakes at bay.

So I have had to learn to confront difficult and uncomfortable things head on, often shining the light of reason on them to soften the blow. But I’ve also learned to allow my own intuitive gifts to connect to my divinity.

My interests are varied and I am generally a quick study. Because of this, change is very important as I hate feeling “stuck”. I want to experience every flavour life has to offer. Gifted with an impressive way with words, I am able to excel in any area of life which relies on the power of language. And it is true that I am also a natural peace maker.

Justice wants us to take responsibility for what we’ve done, or for what others have done to us. While many of us would confess to avoiding responsibility, even fewer will admit to taking on blame we don’t deserve. This is certainly true when I look back and observe the patterns of anxious attachment attracting avoidant attachment and the people pleaser/rescuer attracting those with narcissistic traits.

Therefore I have had to learn to tell it as it is, to myself at the very least – no filters, spins or extraneous details. They say the truth hurts but also promise “it will set you free”. I can attest that this is true, now I know and love myself far more for who I really am, and am more attracted to those who appreciate that without me having to twist myself into different shapes to fit.

Probably as a result of all that, I can understand and sympathise with the pain of others and reach out to those in need. I resonate with igniting our inner light, allowing our inner wisdom to steer us in understanding meaning and applying it to our voyage of self exploration and personal development.

I am told that what makes me special is the unique way I approach everything I do with imagination and originality. Because of this I am told I will succeed in any artistic endeavour, such as writing, designing, dance, illustration or any vocation that requires you to inspire others. I can only hope this is true, but as it caught my attention, I have recorded it here.

Everything I’ve captured here about myself is actually taken from phrases given in those various quickfire promotional emails to me this week. I’m simply using this as an illustration to demonstrate that we do not need to be master of our own words, we only need to be master of our hearts and minds, and it’s perfectly okay to use others’ words to help us gain greater clarity and understanding of ourselves and our journey.

So what about you, is there anything contained in here that resonates for you? Would it help to perhaps capture some of the words you read/see/hear that could give you clarity on questions that remain unanswered for you? Give it a try this week and let me know what captures your attention.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How to Use Your Intuition With Confidence in Business and in Life, Leverage the Astonishing Power of Intuition, Flow and Kindness, Overwhelm? Worry? Lack of Confidence? Parts Work and Its Importance to Your Growth and What to Do if You Feel Trapped By Your Circumstances.  To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

One of the book’s Dr Gabor Mate has written is called When the Body Says No. I saw a short post by Organisational Psychologist Lisa Zigarmi last week that sums up the premise quite well, she said:

"We often forget that there is a whole other intelligence system available to us outside our minds. It's called the body. When making choices, leaders can forget to consult other intelligence systems like their body and emotions. These elegant systems are constantly ready to give us meaningful information, if we're open to listening. Modern conditioning has made leading a thinking-only endeavor. What if you heeded your body and emotional data too? Could you make more accurate decisions or aligned choices?”

While Gabor presents the reader with examples and evidence that relates to quite serious and chronic illness that results from continually ignoring these elegant systems, these days I appreciate the wisdom in listening far sooner than I have in the past.

At the moment I’m oversees with my children, visiting family and friends that they have only once met before in their lives and, even then, under rather sad circumstances. Aside of being long past overdue on connecting in with these wonderful people and places myself, I wanted my kids to know this side of their family and gain a deeper sense of their heritage.

However, after an extremely busy ten days – a holiday within the holiday – I am wrung out. A run of check-in’s/checkout’s, cheerleading my tired kids though a few tours, navigating unfamiliar transport systems, and a whole lot of driving, I have a sore head from all the tight muscles around my shoulders and neck, and frankly feel a bit nauseas.

As I woke up this morning and, as happens when arriving back from a holiday (even when it’s within another holiday), was confronted by many things I need to do, I groaned and realised it’s time to make some decisions because I can’t do it all; and certainly not all at once.

Although I only have a week left before I head back to the land I now call home, my body is saying “please relax, slow down, and take some time for some self care”.

So rather than shoe horn in many more things I would like to do, and many more catch ups with the people I have so enjoyed reconnecting with, I have to admit that we are all tired and –even if we left today - we have actually had a wonderful trip that has already met the expectations and desires that I had for it.

And as I sat here reflecting on what lessons I’d learned this week, and thinking “gosh I’d better get typing as I haven’t missed a week’s reflection in over eight years” I realised that this too is playing its part in the overwhelm, which is not its purpose.

So this week is short and sweet, I recognise these days that I can’t do everything and don’t want to. I want to make choices that will have the most positive impact on my (and my children’s) lives. What I’m choosing is a nice family lunch and a therapeutic massage tomorrow, as well as giving myself a few days to get through the things that will have to happen in order for my kids and I to travel home next week – rather than trying to get it all done now.

What about you? Are you busy trying to push through, or are you taking the time to tune into your body and emotions and really consider the choices that will have the most positive impact on your life overall?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Your Mind Will Try to Protect You By Resisting Your Healthy Boundaries, Walking the Line – When to Make Decisions for Our Kids, Who Cares How You Feel? and Stay or Go? Awesome Ways to Make a Breakthrough.  To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

Less than a week into a month-long car rental agreement, a tiny stone hit the windscreen and an immediate twenty inch crack developed across the driver’s side. I sighed internally as I had rented and paid for excess insurance via a broker, which was the cheapest way of doing it, so I knew it wasn’t going to be a simple process.

I had to return the car and swap it for another, pay the rental company for a new windscreen and claim it back from the broker’s insurance. Then as I was driving to the rental company the satellite navigation sent me on a very convoluted route that took twice as long as the most direct one would have. Being unused to driving a manual transmission for many years now, I was getting stressed as the roads narrowed and twisted and the driving was quite taxing as I changed up and down gears.

I was thoroughly fed up and then I had the thought that perhaps this whole palaver had served a purpose. As I traverse through life I often find that the things that happen that seem annoying, frustrating, painful even, can turn out to have rather lovely silver linings.

In this case that became apparent as soon as I arrived at the rental company’s front desk. The rental assistant had been expecting me and asked whether I’d mind an automatic transmission; I melted with relief. Quite what the UK’s obsession is with manual gears I cannot fathom, but automatics are in the minority. Although I drove with a stick for seventeen years, I’ve since driven seventeen years in automatics, and I choose ease over active gear grinding any day.

The car I have been given now is so intuitive, smooth and easy to drive. Yes it would have been lovely to have had that as my rental from the outset, but perhaps I needed reminding of the luxuries I take for granted. Whatever the reason I certainly feel extremely grateful, particularly as I am taking my children on holiday with their family this week and have lots of hours of driving ahead of me.

As I look back on many of the circumstances of my life, whether as benign as this example, or more poignant – as in the troubled journey I had in eventually having children – I have found that life has its ebbs and flows. Having deliberately reflected on many of these scenarios in my life, I have developed an absolute faith that (regardless of whether it is clear to me in the moment) life always seems to be working out for me.

In the case of my children, they are pregnancies five and six. It was not a straight forward process, with blighted embryos each time prior, something the experts said would only happen once and couldn’t explain. Starting with the first pregnancy when I was 24 years old, it took until I was 38 before my first child was born. But I believe I have made a better mother (albeit it an often very tired one) for the wait.

I’m perhaps more grateful, more considered and more patient than I might otherwise have been, and I underwent a lot of personal growth and became steadier in many ways (financial, health and so forth) in the intervening years.

Where I find it most challenging to explain my faith that bad things turn out for the greater good is when it comes to people suffering and dying. No one wants to lose a loved one, nor see them suffer, but none the less it happens with regularity.

There is nothing as certain as death in our life, and it can be heartbreaking to hear people’s stories about those who they have lost or who are in pain. Certainly having experienced it myself several times, I don’t wish that on anyone. However, we all know the stories of people triumphing over adversity, and I do think that that philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche was onto something when he said “To live is to suffer. To survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.”

And as Linda Bray recounts “There is an ancient tribal proverb I once heard in India. It says that before we can see properly we must first shed tears to clear the way.” It did certainly occur to me growing up that in order to truly know something was good I had to experience what bad felt like.

Now in my fifties with many trials, tribulations and tragedies behind me, and no doubt many more ahead, I am grateful that life presents me with the whole spectrum of experiences from desolation to joy. It gives me a depth of understanding and compassion I would have otherwise lacked, and I generally accept the frustrating, painful and downright difficult experiences I have with more grace.

What about you? Where are the moments in your life that you can point to the silver linings, the times when the bad things turn out to be for the greater good?

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy What Do the People in Your Life Have to Teach (Good and Bad)?, How Would Life Be Different if You Believed in Yourself?, The Inevitable Pain of Returning to Love After Years of Abandoning Yourself and Leverage the Astonishing Power of Intuition, Flow and Kindness.  To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

A few years ago I recall writing about relationships as a series of moments, and this is very much how my life feels at present. On another continent, visiting friends and family I haven’t seen in many years, I’m experiencing some beautiful but fleeting reconnections.

I left my homeland seventeen years ago, and have been back only once in that time when I lost my mum, that was six years ago. I vowed then not to leave it so long, life had gotten in the way and I wanted my children to know this part of their roots and know the people that are part of their story.

We had planned to make this trip back in 2020 and, of course, with pandemic restrictions we – like most other people on the planet – had to put those plans on hold. So there has been a long period of anticipation, plans made and unmade. And so as plans long held in abeyance come to fruition I am revelling in the moments of reconnection.

Then, just like that, they are gone and a state of grief sets in. Why had I chosen to leave these wonderful people? I may not have had the greatest success in my life when it came to romantic relationships, but friends I tended to choose well, and I had already been blessed with a large and lovely family. Visiting with those I’ve stayed in touch with over the years is an absolute joy.

And it’s so deliciously easy, resuming conversations as though the intervening years hadn’t transpired, meeting children who have been born and grown, getting reacquainted and sharing our joys and woes. I miss these people, my people, and as many more long anticipated moments are coming and going I am pondering on the decisions I have made, the life I have in my new home.

I also miss the good friends and loved ones that live in that land, and whom and look forward to seeing again when I return. As I mused on this with my partner, who is one of those from whom I am apart right now, I was reflecting on how very lucky I am really to have all these wonderful people in my life.

He reminded me that life is just a series of moments, and the good thing is that we get to plan more. “Good or bad, life passes and things change” he said, I couldn’t agree more. What remains consistent is my love for those people in my life, whether I see them on a daily basis or not more than once in many years, my connection to and with them remains and – for that – I am grateful.

This land from which I hailed also remains. Once upon a time it was on my doorstep, with its entirety of consumer choices and long and rich history etched in places one can visit on rainy days. While I’m enjoying it now, I know it too will soon be half a world away once more. But then I think of the relative simplicity of the life to which I am returning, the one where I take my regular beach walks and commune with nature, and feel blessed to have all of this in my life.

What about you? Who are the people and places in your life who have meant so much to you? Are there moments of connection and reconnection you have planned so you can savour the anticipation and then reflect upon the richness afterwards? It really is an exercise in gratitude for me, taking time out of my normal routines, and it’s giving me a greater perspective and appreciation for all that I have in my life.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Relationships are Just a Series of Moments – True Love Lies Within, Give Yourself the Gift of Presence to Relieve the Torture of Stress, What or Who Do You Call Home and Is It Your Happy Place? and An Open Letter to an Old Friend.  To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

We are now twelve thousand miles from the place I usually live, which has caused me to muse on the meaning of the word home. Technically I have returned to what could also be called home, which is the country I was born and brought up in, and lived for the first few decades of my life.

As we flew here I became acutely aware, as the journey progressed, of this planet we call home. In the years of COVID19 restrictions I was feeling decidedly cut off from other people and places, so it was a joy to traverse much of the planet from the air and - with the aid of the now readily available satellite communications – give regular updates to my loved ones about where on the planet we now were.

Starting in the Antipodes, we made our way over Indonesia, south eastern Asia, and India, where I have spent some time. Then we moved on into the Middle East before landing in the United Arab Emirates. The temperature at 5.30 in the morning was 33 degrees and, as the sun came up, I could only see the golden top of the Gevora Hotel; the Burj Khalifa was hidden in the fog.

I find it fascinating watching the maps on the plane that show which parts of the world the sun is illuminating at any point in time, and it gives me the sense that life on our planet is always in motion. As we headed over southern and eastern Europe and on into western Europe I could feel a sense of growing familiarity with the lands and places of my earlier years.

But is this physical perspective actually what I consider to be home? Part of it perhaps.

When overwhelmed, from the time she was able to talk, my eldest child has often said “I want to go home”.  This may sound sensible enough, but when she said it - more often than not – she already was at home in the sense of meaning “the house in which we live”.

As a parent, like any other, I learned to discern what my kids meant through non verbal means from their earliest days as babies. What I quickly ascertained was that she was referring to the much broader place from whence she came, pre physical existence, where human trials and tribulations are seen from a much lighter and broader perspective.

Regardless of beliefs on that topic, I think the more distance we have from anything, the more perspective we can gain without getting lost in the intensity of the moment. It truly is a case of seeing the wood from the trees. So is this more spiritual definition my true north when it comes to defining home?

Certainly there are times I too feel life would be easier if I could just let go of its cumbersome impossibility. Of course, I recognise that now as very apt. If I’m seeing something as impossible, it is. Letting go of unwieldy concerns for me is a process of gaining perspective upon them. I have to give myself permission to really sit down with my worst fears and hear them out before I can have space to entertain any other perspectives.

This, though, is a psychological struggle. Teal Swan says “For many of us the home (that we grew up in) was a mix of good feelings and bad feelings, but it’s the painful associations that we have with home that cause the problems in our love relationships.” That sense of home is driven by our biochemical and neurological wiring, which is where my worst fear often stem from, the outdated inner voices of a childhood long gone.

Psychologically and emotionally, after a deliberate personal growth journey, many of those earlier unhelpful inner voices that had continued to drive my subconscious narrative for far too long are now more at peace. This means that the people I attract and am attracted to, are not simply replays of old dynamics any longer. I am no longer subconsciously seeking a “do over” to try and evoke different outcomes to assuage any feelings of lack of worth, differences or belonging.

In essence, for the most part, I am no longer seeking permission to be me.

And that means that - in terms of those people, creatures and places that take up the majority of my time and attention on a daily basis – there is a far closer alignment to what I would call my starting point, my spiritual perspective. 

This is when I am truly at home and at peace, when my outer and inner worlds are all in harmony and alignment. As per the sign in my lounge, at last “Home is my haven, a happy place where I am supported and encouraged, a place where I am loved and can love”. I feel truly blessed now for the people and circumstances of my life.

What about you, what is your definition of home? And is it a happy one which provides you with a sense of being supported and encouraged? Where you can love and be loved for exactly who you truly are?

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How to Make Home a Happy Place Where You Are Loved, Supported and Encouraged, Where Talent Meets Passion: Cherish Your Life as a Career? and Give Yourself the Gift of Presence to Relieve the Torture of Stress.  To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

I was reading an old post from Eryka Stanton this week and it inspired me to sense check how I am showing up in the world, am I really owning all of who I am?

Her particular post really resonates with me as the things she reminds me to own are very much me: to own that I am different, a deep feeler and thinker, tuned into a different frequency, sensing things others don’t, that I’m done having meaningless conversations and holding myself back.

She also reminded me that it is okay if my family doesn’t get me or if the world judges me, or if I want to dance barefoot upon the earth and gaze endlessly at the stars. One of her most powerful reminders is:

“You have come a long way to be who you are. So own it. Own all of it.”

As I’ve been packing and getting organised for a big oversees trip to visit friends and family at the opposite side of the world for the first time in six years, it’s interesting to reflect back upon who I was when I last visited.

I was a daughter losing her mother, a partner cast adrift and a mother keeping her young children close while also trying to support many others along the way. I had changed significantly from the time previous when I had left those shores, because my whole world view had changed and come sharply into focus; everything was now seen as part of a much broader picture, all interconnected.

After losing mum, one of the biggest teachers in my life, I started to really get down to the business of figuring out what the inner critic in me had to say. How it was linked to outdated patterns of thoughts and behaviours that were no longer serving me, what my real needs, wants, desires, talents, gifts and so on are, and how to presence these through developing healthy boundaries and getting much braver and better at communicating them.

As I am getting ready to embark on this journey back to my once homeland again, Eryka’s words were a timely check in. In a new, healthier place now, I notice how I’m taking space I need to get things organised; I’m owning that I need that space. I’m also noticing that it’s still not easy, balancing what I need with what I want and what others need and want.

My daughter is mirroring this back to me in her life too. In her last week of school term she was a bit run down, she was losing her voice, which wasn’t ideal as she was leading a welcome song and narrating a play to honor the coming of Matariki. In the first half of her holidays she wanted to have an extended sleepover with her close friend, what she needed of course was rest. Inevitably her body has now said no to any more activity on her behalf as it rebalances from her having overridden her own best interests. 

It is always a tricky balance between meeting our needs and desires and, ultimately, everything is a trade off. I find my body will make sure I get my needs met when I’m not listening, even if it means developing uncomfortable chronic symptoms or flooring me with some healing reaction. But it’s interesting when I had a bit of a deeper look at how I’m faring with my boundaries under stress as I try to get things done before I go, I can see that when I’m under stress is when I have a tendency to revisit old patterns.

As I’ve traversed this week I’m noticing my mind wants to jump on anything that comes my way and treat it as urgent, even when that isn’t necessary. I’ve noticed that I’m treating others’ wants and desires – not even necessarily their needs – as if they are my priority. It’s as if my psyche has lost the ability to discern and see clearly and it’s taking quite a bit of self discipline and active management to recognise and treat things that come my way in the healthiest way possible.  

And that is okay. Owning who I am is also about recognising the old patterns when they come up and seeing them for what they are. I have to remind myself that I can stand down, relax and lean into being who I am without having to prove myself worthy to anyone.

To recognise our own wants, desires, talents and needs often takes a lot of observation, discipline and persistence. Learning to presence them in relationships with others takes even more so. You have come a long way to be who you are, so own it; own all of it. As Eryka Stanton says “The world needs you to be exactly as you are. You hold the balance in this crazy world.”

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Explore, Uncover and Show Your Real Needs and Desires to Be Happy , Embody Your Spirituality – a Healing Journey, Are You Ready for More Healthy Relationships? and How to Let Go of Your Attachment to Your Feelings, Expectations and Beliefs. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

Last night I had some solitude for the first time in a while, I was feeling tired so I decided to catch up on some Grey’s Anatomy rather than do anything active. Now finished its nineteenth series, I’ve always loved the episode wrap-up/ voice over at the end when the character Meredith Grey reflects on life’s lessons.

She said “When we don’t feel heard or validated it can be easy to forget that we aren’t actually alone. There’s a difference between being alone and feeling lonely. Sometimes being alone is the only way we can hear our own hearts trying to communicate what it is that we actually want, what we need, and who we love. Then we can move through this world with better communication when we actually have something important to say, and be crystal clear when we do.”

For most of my life being alone was a scary prospect, now I deeply value the times I get to spend with myself.  After having completed one of Briana MacWilliam’s Attachment 101 courses last year, I now understand far more about the dynamics of why that used to be so scary to me, and why I feel far more secure in the times I’m alone.

Dr. Gabor Maté says “Attachment is the first priority of living things. It is only when there is some release from this preoccupation that maturation can occur. In plants, the roots must first take hold for growth to commence and bearing fruit to become a possibility. For children, the ultimate agenda of becoming viable as a separate being can take over only when their needs are met for attachment, for nurturing contact and for being able to depend on the relationship unconditionally”.

He goes on to say that few parents – and even fewer experts – understand this intuitively, “When I became a parent, one thoughtful father (who did understand this) said to me that he saw the world seemed absolutely convinced that we must actively form our children’s characters rather than simply create an environment in which they can develop and thrive.”

“Nobody seemed to get that if you give them the loving connection they need, they will flourish. The key to activating maturation is to take care of the attachment needs of the child. To foster independence we must first foster dependence; to promote individuation we must first provide a sense of belonging and unity; to help a child separate we must assume responsibility for first keeping the child close.”

This rings true for me, having grown up in a world that certainly told me - and held me accountable for -  becoming the kind of person it required me to be. That world comprised of my parents, their parents and heritage, our wider family and friends, teachers, religious doctrines, sports coaches, doctors, the government, TV, movies, the media and so on.

Listening to a podcast this week interviewing Tony Schwartz and Kimberly Manns about their audio learning program The Reckoning, I also resonated with their description that our personality types are really a collection of our many parts. The parts – which we all recognise (think of the times you might say “there’s a part of me that thinks/feels…”) – arise out of defense. We want to be shown a sense of value or worthiness and so these parts are what develop in response to the expectations put upon as we grow.

One of the earliest messages I remember receiving was that I didn’t belong, I was on my own, and it was terrifying. As a three year old I recall arriving at the hospital with my dad to visit my mum and new baby brother. I recall my feelings of enthusiasm as I pushed the car door open, this was my moment, I was to become the responsible big sister.

Unfortunately the hospital rules did not allow children onto the ward, so I was left alone on the stairwell. It was one of those which had a platform between sets of steps that changed directions, the platform being large enough to have a little waiting area on it looking up at the doors and corridor between two wards; one of which my mum and new brother were in.

Dad had no choice but to leave me there with a nurse, who only stayed momentarily. So I sat listening as footsteps would approach the doors to the wards and people would occasionally come and go. I was alone and I – in my three year old brain – assimilated the experience as abandonment. I was highly anxious, but I developed a mask because I had to be the responsible big sister and that was my new role.

There was a part of me that presented the highly independent, responsible, confident, big sister to the world at large, but there was also another part of me that later sought through my primary attachment relationships (i.e. my romantic relationships) the sense of safety and belonging that I had left on that stairwell.

Briana says “Attachment styles are the instinctual blueprint, the wiring in the survival part of our brains, that determine how much closeness or distance we need to feel that our survival needs are met. Depending on the extent to which the parenting we received was supportive and loving versus critical and demeaning, many of us grow up with insecure attachment styles”.

Attachment styles can be thought of in the sense of whether we behave in ways that are highly avoidant or highly anxious; with those who are low in both avoidance and anxiety being considered more secure in themselves. There are many ways and layers with which to define this but through my life, and in my primary attachment relationships, I would often fall into what’s popularly called “the anxious –avoidant trap”.

This is where person with anxious attachment (me in my unconscious “wired” still 3-year old state) moves towards intimacy, and the person with avoidant attachment (various romantic partners) moved away from intimacy to regain their space. Life had taken me on a journey in which I then kept attracting people with the opposite attachment style.

This made me feel needy, and when they pulled away, abandoned all over again. I recall one incident, over twenty years ago now, where an ex partner of mine that I lived with was going out on a Sunday night. I broke down in tears as he left, and sat sobbing my heart out on the other side of the front door for a long time after he had gone.

He had only gone out to pursue a hobby, he returned of course, and over time those Sunday evenings became the beginning of the journey to me.  I started doing Brandon Bays’ Journey work, it became cherished time to hear my own heart communicate what it is that I actually wanted, what I needed, and who I loved.

I discovered my first love had to be me and – while I didn’t naturally take space, the closer I was to someone the more available I became – I eventually learned the value of taking and giving space over time.

Over the years I have sat down with many other parts of myself that once served a rational survival purpose and I’ve entered into new relationships with them, honouring the important role they had once served and reframing them so that I could mature.

In Gabor’s words, I had to meet my own needs to feel secure attachment and – to the point from Grey’s Anatomy - so I can move through this world with better communication when I actually have something important to say, and be crystal clear when I do.

There have been many teachers who have helped me along the way, and many of the best have been the unwitting antagonists in my life story, the ones with whom I felt a great deal of pain. But it was this pain that drove me to seek out the wise words and understanding that I have heard and applied over the years from many quarters.

The journey is ongoing, but it is mine to direct. And taking the time to regularly hear what is in my heart is a huge part of that practice.

How do you feel in the times you are left to your own devices, without distraction? Are you comfortable hearing your inner thoughts and feeling your emotions? Would it be of value to you to be able to move through this world with better communication when you actually have something important to say, and be crystal clear when you do?

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How to Let Go of Your Attachment to Your Feelings, Expectations and Beliefs, Meditation – the Cornerstone to Your Success, How to Deal With Not Being Liked – Those People Who Do Not Treat You Well, How Do I Know When a Relationship Is Healthy? and Do We Need to Better Understand the Pivotal Role of Parenting to Evolve?  To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

I realised this week that I treat so much I embark on as I would a career, be it my relationships, my health, parenting or something I do to make money. I want to get the best I can from everything, I want it to lead somewhere, mean something.

That doesn’t mean everything I do is on track or on topic, sometimes I have to graze my way through half of life’s options to find what is most “me” and I have taken plenty of wrong turns but it’s all good information.

I had been asking Anne Macnaughtan about the difference between job and work versus career matters, as I noticed they are positioned in different houses astrologically. I think I was being intuitively led to ponder my own path as I am transitioning from one life phase to another. She said that a career path is different from what we do on a daily basis in order to earn money. The sixth house is the house of hard work and the tenth house is what a person is ultimately striving for.

My main job in recent years has been that of motherhood, which I came into late on. Day to day it is often not a job I’ve relished; I can find the domesticity, schooling, expectation and behavioural management mundane and tedious. However, with a longer term objective of growing humans who truly know who they are - and respect others for their uniqueness also - I relish much of their emotional, spiritual and psychological development. That is the aspect of it that is more like a career.

Entering parenthood I had anticipated more help with the aspects I see as more of a job, but now I find myself at a juncture where there is regular respite and this makes me more determined than ever to focus more of my attention on things that are meaningful and fulfilling.

Prior to motherhood, a great deal of my career had been spent on doing the groundwork to a number of corporate transformation programs that had great visions of transforming customer experiences by changing the hearts and minds, skills, systems and processes within various organisations.

On every occasion, within a year or two, the organisations were in a cyclical cost cutting mode and “luxuries” like transforming their customer experiences (which were arguably longer term investments, a bit like parenthood) were ditched, trading short term gain for longer term pain in my humble opinion.

What I’m saying is that I’m done giving the majority of my time and energy to things that aren’t sustainable or meaningful in some way, I’m looking for more joy in the day to day work of my end goals;  life is about the journey after all, not the destination.

Annette Noontil – in Your Body is the Barometer of Your Soul - acknowledges a soul is happy when it keeps evolving. She encourages that we organize our time by applying our skills (whether that means sharing our knowledge through speech or actually performing a skill), but warns that if we are putting out too much without learning from it we will deplete our energy.

That has been a saving grace for me through years of parenting, relationships that weren’t quite right, jobs that weren’t quite “me” and so on, I have learned much and grown from each and every experience. Now I’m ready to employ everything I’ve learned so far to embark on experiences that I can enjoy for a much higher proportion of the time.

In Sir Ken Robinson and Lou Aronica’s book Finding Your Element: How To Discover Your Talents and Passions and Transform Your Life, they talk about the point where talent and passion meet being where we feel most inspired, most ‘at home’ in our self.

This sounds like good advice to me, one without the other can be painful. I was doing an exercise recently that gave me a good lens through which to identify – among other aspects - my talents.  The kinds of things I identified are:

• grasping underlying principles and integrating perspectives
• strategizing, giving structure to reach distant goals dictated by a strong vision
• foresight, using insights to deal with complexity and ambiguity
• composing, using whatever is to hand to get a harmonious result
• making sure things are taken care of so others can feel comfortable, involved and succeed
• interpersonal sensitivity, supporting whatever allows the unfolding of a person

As to what I’m most passionate about, when I was answering questions posed by Janet Attwood, author of The Passion Test a while back, I realised I have a real passion for authenticity. So I set about defining my top five passions as:

1. Being the full authentic expression of myself; and helping others discover their own unique authentic expression
2. Being with my children in their full authentic connection and being a space in which they can express their authentic selves and respect others’ uniqueness
3. Recognising the body as a litmus test of how close or how far to that authentic expression I am  and the patterns, illness and disease that show up within it when I’m not
4. Creating structures in society that thrive on and enhance people being their full authentic expressions of themselves
5. The inherent connection I have to all of life, and the idea of thriving on that and enhancing others and things because of that connection

It is where I can apply my talents to these passions I’ll feel most “me” and get the most joy from whatever I’m striving towards in life.

What about you, is it time to cherish and treat your life – or aspects of your life - as more of a career than a job? Where do your natural talents lie? And what are you truly passionate about? Identifying these could be the key to a more fulfilling life.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy What Value Are You Adding to the Currencies in Your Life?, How Living Your Passions Fully Combats Feeling Lonely, Profit, Purpose and Personal Fulfillment Can Thrive Together - A Remarkable New Organisational Construct, What is the purpose of YOUR life? And Value Your Uniqueness. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

I was listening to Melissa Bernstein, cofounder of Melissa and Doug toys, being interviewed this week and she said something about friendships that I thought was really profound. Now in her late fifties, she said she hadn’t really enjoyed any close friendships (outside of her marriage) until the last few years, and the main reason for that is it was only recently she allowed herself to be vulnerable enough to cultivate relationships outside her family.

That struck me as a really great definition of the close friendships I cultivate, the ones that thrive and endure are the ones in which I feel I can be my true self – which has really been my most vulnerable self. The parts of me that I’ve been taught may not be accepted if I presence them in the world, for fear I might look weak or selfish or other traits which may be frowned upon and not accepted.

Growing up there are generally parts of us that we hide away, out of survival instinct, in order to fit into the family unit and societal norms around us. Growing up in the west of Scotland, sectarianism was rife for example. In recent years, differences have become more pronounced with the rise of social media and global environment and climate challenges, the COVID19 pandemic, power and governance issues and emerging technologies. Opinions seem to have become more polarized and certain values or beliefs unwise to express unless they align with the mainstream narrative.

But what I am talking about, aside of my opinions on such matters, are things like whether and how I might express my emotions. Was it safe to express anger, fear, hope, happiness, or sadness at all? Never mind in the various shades and forms these emotions come in. In a recent novel I read, set back in the height of coal mining era, I was reminded how entire communities adopted deferential attitudes about what could be achieved and what they could become.

It reminds me of the “crabs in a bucket” mentality. A crab placed alone in a bucket will easily climb out and escape, but when you place it in the bucket with a few other crabs, this interesting phenomenon occurs: One at a time, as the crabs try to escape, other crabs will pull them back down to their misery and the group's collective demise.

Wherever I picked up my inner narratives, after years of practicing mindfulness, I’m now very aware of the voices in my head that act just like those crabs to collectively keep me constrained.  I have all sorts of voices about my limitations, what expectations there are on me, what might happen if I should presence my beliefs, desires, opinions etc in the world. Conversely I’ve also become acutely aware of what those beliefs, needs, desires and so on actually are.

And, more than that, over the last number of years I have started to be open about those with friends I could trust being vulnerable with. Like the fictional novel I read of the young lad from an old coal mining town destined to repeat his family’s role in the small community he didn’t feel he belonged to, he started to slowly find kin. People of like mind and heart, oddities like him, supported him and believed in him to become who he wanted to be.

For my own part there were many years when I’d keep attracting people, who were more like those who had contributed to my earlier narratives, in a subconscious bid to try to get them change their mind; to approve of me, support me. And the pain of that rejection felt so familiar I tricked myself for a long time into believing that is how it is supposed to be.

Now I am surrounded by a carefully curated group of people in my life who tick the boxes on Sasha Tozzi’s list of Choose people who:

• Choose you
• Ask how you are
• See you
• Let you be you
• Feel good to your nervous system
• You can breathe easily around
• You don’t need to perform for
• Are good for your mental health
• Want to see you win
• Don’t try to control you

The level of vulnerability – meaning the parts of authentic me that I express – with people depends on whether there are seated at my V.I.P table or have the potential to be. That also applies to where I invest my time and energy, because I know whatever I give the majority of my attention to will be my greatest contribution in life, good or bad.

As I embark on a new romantic relationship in my life, this also brings with it all the characters that feature prominently in my partner’s life. It’s been a good check in on my own growth and boundaries as I meet new people and assess how compatible I am with them and where to invest my energy according to Sasha’s little check list. Although intentional, I can’t express how grateful I am to have met someone who is also mindful of their own healthy boundaries and who cultivates relationships in a similar way.

Ultimately it comes down to whether I spend time with people who drain my energy or boost my energy. At worst I want to spend time with those where there is a neutral net effect, where the energy flow back and forth is pretty equal. At best, I love those times and people with whom my energy gets amplified and expanded due to a mutually positive focus.

Those who constantly drain my energy I either no longer engage with or – if I have to – I have some very strong boundaries around how and when we interact. As time goes on this gets easier and easier to manage as I’m supported by more and more people who are more “me”.

What about you? Are the people you surround yourself with more aligned with old narratives or the more authentic you? Are you able to be vulnerable with them and feel positively supported? Who boosts or drains your energy? Are you being helped or hindered in living your best life?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy I Am Enough, Are the People You Surround Yourself With a Match to What You Want From Life? Is It Time to Really Embrace, Enjoy and Embody Your Sexual Truth? Choose Kindness and  How to Deal With Not Being Liked – Those People Who Do Not Treat You Well. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

Let’s get the quick quip out the way; I’m not talking about loading up on the processed carbs until I have to unbutton my jeans just to get comfortable…I’m talking about coming into the fullness of who we are.

A friend commented that she can’t really remember a time when she felt in her fullness or even fully in her body. Fullness is defined as the state of being complete or whole, but if I use those terms I can’t help but wonder if that points to some deficiency, and I’m making myself feel wrong for simply being the best me I know how to be right now.

The idea that there are many parts to our psyche has roots in various schools of thought from Gestalt Theory and Internal Family Systems through to Jungian archetypal work. In her Completion Process, Teal Swan refers to the parts of us that we have denied, suppressed or disowned. The work is about identifying and reclaiming those parts, integrating them along with all our other parts.

For example, as a child there was a part of me that liked to sing, but I was told none of our family has good voices so we don’t sing. The part of me that likes to sing sat in the shadows for a very long time, not confident in airing my voice unless it was hidden among a larger crowd or in moments of solitude where no one else was around to hear.

Now in my fifties I realise that, while I may not be able to belt out a tune the way Aretha Franklin or Freddie Mercury could, my voice isn’t terrible. So now I make the effort to sing a few lyrics in front of others now and again when I’m being asked how a tune goes or I just have a particular song stuck in my head.

But there are many parts to my psyche that can present a more or less confident persona to the world, certainly there were many messages growing up (received through the family and society) about how I should behave. Therefore it’s those parts of me that I have denied, suppressed or disowned that I want to reclaim in order to embody the fullness of who I am.

Tony Robbins talks in terms of questioning which part of us is in the driving seat of our life, at any one time, and learning how to put the most resourceful parts there. I like this idea because there are certainly times when I will default into my less confident small child mode rather than the adult me who knows I can overcome and give things a go.

What I'm really passionate about is helping people live their most authentic life. I believe the more integrated the parts of our psyche are, the more aligned our outer and inner worlds are, and the better this world becomes to contribute to and live in. So rediscovering and reintegrating all the parts of me that were in some way quashed or ignored has become an ongoing commitment.

I guess for this reason I was attracted to a new group Briana MacWilliam set up recently which I took to be about love and ambition and presencing more of the feminine parts of our psyche in the world. This intrigues me as, having had a successful career in the corporate world and then having switched tracks to focus on bringing up my children, now my kids are growing up I want to be of service to the wider world.

That said, I have zero desire to return to the patriarchal corporate world and want to bring in more of the authentic and feminine energy I’ve been learning to cultivate within me. Although I’ve been coaching, learned a tremendous amount about developmental trauma, and published my personal reflections and lessons over the last eight years, I’ve yet to receive clarity on what the way forward is in my life from here.

This was another frustration my friend and I have in common, we both have much more clarity on what we don’t want, but as to what we do want, this has yet to become clear. And the trick in the meantime is to focus on things that are nourishing and fulfilling which distract us from the blank we are drawing on our way forward into the next phase of our careers and life.

But one thing I have come to trust over the years is that there is little point in investing energy and time into things that haven’t arisen from a point of clarity or inspiration. Any time in my life when I try to force things, I might achieve whatever I’m trying to do, but it doesn’t leave me feeling like I’m fulfilled.

Which really is where this meandering thought began, to step into the fullness of oneself has a lot to do with feeling fulfilled, and actually one is the precursor to the other. When I am presencing my true needs, talents and desires in the world, I am much more likely to feel fulfilled than when I’m sacrificing or disregarding them.

And so I have concluded that in order for me to step into the fullness of who I am, it means focusing on and embracing those aspects of my life that feel fully me while remaining open to clues about those aspects that don’t yet feel in alignment.

Where in your life do you feel fulfilled? And which aspects of you feel in alignment with your true needs, desires, talents and gifts?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy  Overwhelm? Worry? Lack of Confidence? Parts Work and Its Importance to Your Growth, Heal Your Past Hurts To Help You Fulfill Your Potential, Take Back Your Power - Only One Thing Need Change for You to Feel Good, Life Really Does Support Your Deepest Desires (And How to Access Its Support) and  Should We Abandon Happiness as the Impossible Dream? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

Hypernovelty is a term I was reading about this week in relation to the profound changes in our modern era brought about by technological progress, such as artificial intelligence, automation, and the increasing interconnectedness of societies through digital networks, which have ushered in a new era of rapid information exchange, transforming how we live, work, and interact.

In an article from Teal Swan, she was suggesting that – like many things - there are benefits we reap from this and there are also consequences we will face as a result of doing this. The example she gives is of the Internet facilitating the expansion of human consciousness in remarkable ways, rejoicing in the many gifts that it has given to the human race.

“Let the Internet enrich your life, do not let the Internet become a way to escape your life”

Her plea is that we not forget that we have come here to live our physical lives and let our direct experiences be the platform for what we ultimately become. Our attention matters, so she is reminding us to give our attention to the things that make our life better.

This reminded me of a quote I heard many years ago that resonated so much I wrote it in the front of my journal at the time “whatever you give the majority of your attention to will be your greatest contribution”.

It’s not just my own attention that I am aware of, but where my kids are placing their attention too. I’ve noticed there is a huge gap between where childhood imaginative games are prevalent, and the era where young adults are able to move around and interact out in the world more independently, that many fill with technology.

Up until the age of maybe nine, my kids regularly liked to turn our house into some fantastical world, the more people involved the better. My eldest daughter reminded me the other day of “the circus” performance she and many of her classmates put together one school holidays down in our local reserve.

About six or seven other parents and I were involved in transporting our kids there, providing a shared morning tea and generally being an enthusiastic audience for the various “acts” our kids had concocted and practiced with very little costume assistance and a huge dose of imagination. There were acrobats, clowns, gazelles, an elephant and a tiger.

But now, as they enter that time beyond childhood and not yet in adulthood, it’s more usual to see them lost in their devices, playing games remotely with friends or watching funny or useful video clips by the dozen. When I turn to the past and look back on my own childhood, I realise that things were not that different in some ways. It was an age where I’d sit in my room, or a friend’s room and chat, listen to music, read books or go and hang out at the local shopping mall.

What is different is the sheer amount of “entertainment” and content available to us all digitally. I agree with Teal, it is so easy to plug our consciousness into this alternative reality. To her point, the brain is so amazed by this influx of information that it can:

• forget to receive and interpret signals of hunger and thirst (my eldest child often forgets to eat) and
  
• fall in love with hypernovelty so quickly that people will prioritize social media and digital content and forgo one to one offline interhuman connection (my kids are often “too tired” to go out and “just want to relax” on their devices).
  

And I’ll be honest, I’m tired also. After years of being the lone manager and cheerleader of the tidy up squad following the grand adventures the kids would have, that seemed to involve the contents of most of our cupboards, or preparing picnics and organizing catch ups across multiple people and locations, it’s far easier for me to let the kids get their fix of critical thinking, decision making, creativity and social interaction virtually while I try to navigate responsibilities and live life.

Connecting with other adults socially and professionally, trying to move forwards in preparedness for expanding on a life beyond dependent children and a return to more of a career focus, is often easier facilitated digitally also. This now looms on the horizon more prominently than it has in many years, and yet it seems I’m now an entirely different person figuring out how to operate in an entirely different world.

It is easy to become overwhelmed and, in many ways, conducting our lives online to a great extent, without leaving the house, seems very enticing and, dare I say, safer. This can be an illusion I know.

One of my kids got invited to “hang out” with a friend of hers, who has moved to a new school and is meeting up with some of their new school friends on a weekend. Beyond my child’s immediate friend, neither she nor I know that friend’s friends. And they are all tweens wanting to “hang out” with really nowhere to go except their local playground and shopping centre, which is not in our local area. In truth, this is no different to what kids of this age were doing forty years ago when I was a tween.

If I don’t let my child do these kinds of things, taking sensible precautions, how can she learn how to navigate the real world? When I think back, I was “out in the real world” playing with friends on our street way back at the age of three, I was running errands to the local shops way back from the age of five or six, I was walking to and from school, attending activities and participating in clubs all throughout my younger years.

I knew how to cross a road, assess other people, avoid dodgy routes and generally assess risks “out there” from a very young age. In contrast my kids live in a much more insular world which has the illusion of being more scary and bigger perhaps because of this connection through various digital pathways.

There are no easy answers, I find, except when I remember that both the kids and I have an internal connection to something much more relevant – our intuition, our unique personal guidance. Taking time to meditate on a daily basis has helped me hugely in becoming far more consciously aware of my own inner thoughts and desires on any matter.

And taking regular time in nature is another way to quickly recalibrate and find my inner truth and inner peace among the day to day harried nature of life. A walk along the shoreline is a priority in my life at least two or three times a week, along with many other aspects of self care like yoga, swimming and meeting face to face with friends.

When I start to think about my kids growing and worry about technology and find myself thinking “well, now we have the technology I know my children can call me and vice versa if they need to, I also remember they too have an inner guidance system, their own intuition. And that is what I teach by example, remembering I somehow managed to navigate life without having a constant digital tether.

The important things for me to remember in this world of overwhelm and hypernovelty, is that we each have our own access to answers within us. Answers to “what is best for me right now” don’t require a Google search or a check in with Suri. Consciously seeking my own answers is an opportunity for me to find ways to meet my needs and wants that are healthier than meeting them while tuning out and letting algorithms and search engines take over. This is the balance I want my kids to learn really.

Our lives and attention are becoming fast consumed with various forms of digital technology. How can you use this as a way to enrich your life rather than as a way to escape from it? Where and when in your life has overwhelm allowed hypernovelty to take the driving seat? Is it perhaps relevant to take a little time out to tune in a bit more to your inner world, and seek your own unique answers to living your best life?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy  Meditation – the Cornerstone to Your Success, What You Give Your Attention to Is Your Greatest Contribution, The Internal Shift You Need to Help Solve the Social Dilemma, Focus Your Attention, Do You Abandon Yourself in Order to Make Others Happy? and  What Possibilities Can You Get Excited About Right Now in Your Life?  To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

This week is the busiest I’ve had in a while. Normally, when the kids stay with their dad, I take time to catch up with some friends and relish in a bit of solitude. However, this rhythm that has been my life for most of the last year, is like anything, subject to change.

Life moves on. Sometimes it’s something or someone who lands in our world quite unexpectedly; at other times the changes are so subtle that they are upon us before we really notice. But for a while now, I’ve recognised that change is afoot, my temporary resting place cruising down a river whose landscape seemed unchanging has served its purpose, and now the scenery is starting to look quite different.

Part of me wants to cling to a branch and try to retrace my journey back upstream, to the life that had become comfortable. Another part of me – the more expansive part - is happier to go where the flow takes me and is quite comfortable with the possibilities emerging.

And so it is, life’s ebb and flow will continue, I can go with it or resist it. On this occasion, as has been the case on so many others, it’s not just one area of my life that is in transition. In my professional life, nothing has outwardly changed, but on the inside the landscapes, desires, and motivation are becoming clearer all the time.

In my personal life, I’m at the beginning of the journey to intentionally integrate with another over time. With lots of possible future scenarios in mind, it can be tempting to get lost trying to figure out the when and the how, rather than just focusing on the what and trusting that the when and how will
become clearer as we progress along the river of life while enjoying the now.

A dear friend was relating to me how they had envisaged themselves in their current home for the rest of their life. Now there is a possibility for great change and they are trying out future potential scenarios like an array of clothing in a store, checking to see what might fit and what won’t, becoming simultaneously daunted and excited about the opportunities potential change presents.

Also, my eldest child is staring down the barrel at transitioning from earlier school years, where she has been very comfortably in a routine with the same group of kids from kindergarten, out into a much bigger world. There is a default path, which seems daunting to her, but there are also many other possibilities, and it really comes down to what her priorities are.

Sometimes I see only one way ahead in my life when in fact many exist. I might start getting fixed ideas about needing a certain sized house with a particular number, of bedrooms, for example, and then I start to worry about what that might cost in the area we live and whether it is affordable.  Instead of identifying a solution (size of house etc), I’d be much better served holding an intention for something that more generally accommodates the need for everyone to have space to defrag, create, and rest which allows life to continue with ease.

I find when I become fixated on particular scenarios, I become very closed off to anything else. I’ll never forget trying to agree on a schedule with someone who wanted to do something on a Sunday, that I couldn’t accommodate whilst meeting my own needs. We became locked in a no-win situation because we focused on the outcome rather than the problem. It took another person to facilitate and suggest another day of the week that worked for both of us. All along, it wasn’t so much about the specific day for the other individual, it was more about needing an extra day in the schedule, but they hadn’t presenced their needs and I hadn’t asked because I was so fixed on defending my own position.

Time after time, situations have changed, people have arrived in my life - or exited – yet I often experience the grief that arises from our impermanent nature even although time after time I know things have a habit of growing in ways I wouldn’t want to change.

Eckhart Tolle tells the story captured in Edward Fitzgerald's (1852) story Solomon's Seal:

“One day Solomon decided to humble Benaiah Ben Yehoyada, his most trusted minister. He said to him, “Benaiah, there is a certain ring that I want you to bring to me. I wish to wear it for Sukkot which gives you six months to find it.”

“If it exists anywhere on earth, your majesty,” replied Benaiah, “I will find it and bring it to you, but what makes the ring so special?”

“It has magic powers,” answered the king. “If a happy man looks at it, he becomes sad, and if a sad man looks at it, he becomes happy.” Solomon knew that no such ring existed in the world, but he wished to give his minister a little taste of humility.

Spring passed and then summer, and still Benaiah had no idea where he could find the ring. On the night before Sukkot, he decided to take a walk in one of the poorest quarters of Jerusalem. He passed by a merchant who had begun to set out the day’s wares on a shabby carpet.

“Have you by any chance heard of a magic ring that makes the happy wearer forget his joy and the broken-hearted wearer forget his sorrows?” asked Benaiah. He watched the grandfather take a plain gold ring from his carpet and engrave something on it.

When Benaiah read the words on the ring, his face broke out in a wide smile. That night the entire city welcomed in the holiday of Sukkot with great festivity. “Well, my friend,” said Solomon, “have you found what I sent you after?” All the ministers laughed and Solomon himself smiled.

To everyone’s surprise, Benaiah held up a small gold ring and declared, “Here it is, your majesty!” As soon as Solomon read the inscription, the smile vanished from his face.

The jeweler had written three Hebrew letters on the gold band: gimel, zayin, yud, which began the words “Gam zeh ya’avor” — “This too shall pass.” At that moment Solomon realized that all his wisdom and fabulous wealth and tremendous power were but fleeting things, for one day he would be nothing but dust.”

Eckhart also points to the story of the Zen Master whose only response was always "Is that so?" which shows the good that comes through inner non-resistance to events, that is to say, being at one with what happens. There is another story of a man whose comment was invariably a laconic "Maybe" illustrating the wisdom of non-judgment, and the story of the ring points to the fact of impermanence which, when recognized, leads to non-attachment. Non-resistance, non-judgment, and non-attachment are said to be the three aspects of true freedom and enlightened living.

There does great wisdom indeed in embracing impermanence, yet despite its inevitability it is definitely something that is an ongoing practice for me. But I cannot argue that yesterday is gone, tomorrow may never come and so there is only now in its glorious impermanence.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy  Embracing Impermanence to Find Your Happy Future, Give Yourself the Gift of Presence to Relieve the Torture of Stress and Explore, Uncover and Show Your Real Needs and Desires to Be Happy . To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

On my wall I have a reminder that the road to interdependence means that instead of being continually being focused on the wants, needs or problems of others in order to gain approval, feel worthy and/or in control of the outcomes (to avoid dealing with my own emotional pain), I would do well to:

• Respect people for where they are at – nobody needs to be saved
  
• Resist the urge to solve others’ problems and give unsolicited advice, which can rob others of their dignity
  
• Resist the urge to do for others what they can do for themselves, which robs them of the opportunity to take responsibility and grow
  

This also means teaching my kids to look inside themselves for answers and caring for myself so others will respect me (because I’ve respected myself).

Rescuing others has been a way of being most of my life, which was born from a childhood fear of disappointing others, a common pattern apparently.

It’s so tempting when I see or read something that I think would be useful or enlightening for someone I know and love, not to pass it on.

Just this morning I was reading Evette Rose’s book on Metaphysical Anatomy about the emotional causes of a particular autoimmune disorder on behalf of someone I love, who had asked me to do so. As I was reading this paragraph struck me:

“You suppressed your truth and your boundaries, leaving you unable to discern when situations are becoming unhealthy or even abusive. The longer you stay in an abusive environment, the more acceptable it becomes. Your circumstances become normalized and you feel comfortable being uncomfortable”.

It struck me because it’s exactly what I had done myself in previous relationships, although I manifest a different set of symptoms physically than those I was reading about in this case. However, as I read it I also thought immediately of another close friend who is in that kind of environment right now. The urge to share the words I was reading was quite strong.

Then I thought about Glennon Doyle’s advice in Untamed where she talks about those moments when it’s time to “be in” something:

“I stayed in my addictions until I knew. I stayed in my marriage until I knew. I stayed in my religion until I knew. Just like I stayed in my pain and shame until I knew. And now I know…
I will not stay ever again in a room or conversation or relationship or institution that requires me to abandon myself. When my body tells me the truth I’ll believe it, I’ll trust myself….
But for others to my left or my right who must stay, I’ll send them my strength and solidarity and then I will slowly, deliberately and lightly walk away… because it’s that time for them, because they have to know what love and freedom and god are not before they know what they are”.

I know it’s my friend’s time to “be in” his less than ideal situation, it’s his time to stay.

And I also heed Michael Beckwith’s advice when someone asked him if we have a loved one who is “in it” and/or who is ill, and they are resistant to our thoughts about their wellbeing, what should we do? His advice was “All you can do is love them. Until they ask you a question you are trespassing on their paradigm. Just love them in the meantime so they aren’t resistant to you”.

He makes the point that there is always a breakdown before there is a breakthrough, and I have come to see the wisdom in all of this over the years. So for now I send my friend my strength, solidarity and love.

I am grateful for the friends I do have that are on the same conscious journey, it does make it easier to compare notes. Although sometimes we are the antagonist in each others’ stories for that very reason of mutual unwinding of old patterns, which can be pretty dicey in the uncomfortable heated moments of big feelings being expressed.

Recently a close friend and I did just that dance with each other twice in one month, the energy being discharged between us was pretty phenomenal as we were right in the heat of old patterns of feeling unseen, mistrusted, or unheard. Thankfully we were able – with good ongoing conversation – to wade our way through what was going on for each of us.

Truly, it was not my friend’s fault that I was rattled, nor mine for her, our reactions were overreactions in the circumstances, and each of us knew that meant we had triggered some old patterns that ran deep, back in our childhood selves. That is the beauty of the conscious unwinding of old patterns, and it brought us closer together as we each resolved our own inner conflict.

The reminder that the road to interdependence, the most healthy way of being in relationship with others, means that whenever I feel the urge to “help” I have to stop and listen to what is going on for me before taking any action. I don’t always manage it, but I’m getting better at it with practice, and it always reveals something that wants to be seen and understood within me.

Where are you along this path? Do you feel compelled to step in and give advice or help others? Perhaps this article has created that compulsion to share with a particular someone who could do with heeding its lesson. My reaction now would be to look in the mirror and wonder where or why I might be trying to gain approval, feel worthy and/or in control of the outcomes in to avoid dealing with my own unresolved pain - for that is what I think the urge is really all about.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy  Your Childhood Is Not Your Fault but It Will Be Your Limitation, Get Emotionally Healthy - Is It Time to Break the Chain of Pain?, Who Do You Need to Become in Order to Realise Your Dreams?, Does Your Heart Long to Be Accepted for Being Just You? and The Inevitable Pain of Returning to Love After Years of Abandoning Yourself. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Here in New Zealand, as in many places throughout the world, it’s Mother’s Day. As I receive good wishes and gifts from my own children, and see and hear the delights of such from other friends who are also mothers, along with a beautiful appreciation of my role as a mother from a burgeoning relationship, I have felt called to also contemplate the deeper meaning of the term mother.

The mother that resides within and for all of us.

The mother consciousness, as defined by author Sarah Durham Wilson, says “you are perfect exactly the way you are. Every breath you take is a gift to the world. There is nothing you could do to make me stop loving you. I will always be here. I will pick you up when you fall down. Go after every dream. I’m right here, I love you.”

She talks about the archetypal journey from maiden to mother, which I think men can also relate to through their own childhood and inner child. Her journey work starts with meditating with that young child, the little girl (or boy) inside who has been waiting to be mothered for a very long time.

Sarah makes the point that patriarchalised mothers don’t have the energy and the fortitude to be the primordial femme. The patriarchy just bleeds into everything and becomes programming “this life is hard… don’t even try…stay small, you’ll be protected…” and then there is that look “that makes you feel you’ll never be good enough, she will never approve of me”.

Therefore, in seeking to connect with the primordial mother energy, my first job was to sit in meditation with the maiden, the little girl inside who had been waiting to be mothered. And I started the practice of hearing her, heading into the underworld and making reparations. And then, as Sarah says so sublimely, “you start to forgive and release, to alchemise maiden pain into mother wisdom. The pain becomes the medicine”.

It truly does. My childhood may not have been perfect, but my relationship with my mother was everything I needed in order to grow into the person I’ve become today, I wouldn’t change a thing. As I reflect back on my female lineage, mum may often have led with the sharp side of her sword, but it ultimately helped define my edges as I journeyed through life.

She also taught me the value of being present in sickness, of drawing on my own reserves, of trusting my own judgment and of allowing others to be who they are. Her mother, my gran, taught me the value in being alone, of not needing to furnish anyone with an explanation for what my own needs and desires are, to simply live them. And my dad’s mum – though long gone – is with me always and immortalized in her gentle energy that remains with me and her wise saying “what’s for you won’t go by you”.

Mothering my inner child has helped integrate a great deal of unhelpful patterns and behaviours, which had been helpful as a child but had become outdated and no longer served me, with the parts of myself that I had suppressed, denied and disowned over the years. I can’t say the journey is at an end, for that will come with my last breath, but I’m in a much healthier place than I have ever been.

In terms of the journey from Sarah Durham Wilson’s perspective, she says that once we have mastered alchemizing our pain into medicine, then we meet the cherishing mother – the opposite of the patriarchal consciousness:

“We have to practice going inward and meeting the cherishing mother until it becomes closer and closer to how we talk to ourselves and how we talk to others. The work is to see ourselves through the great mother’s eyes, which is to see ourselves with an incredible amount of love”.

Being a mother who vowed when my children were born that they would be allowed to become simply who they are – while respecting others for who they are – I’ve had a lot of practice at feeling into the cherishing mother when I am interacting with them. However, intention and reality are not always the same and so sometimes I fail at this, but I never lose sight of the aim.

And in many respects that is becoming much easier now that I am easier on myself, now that I am connecting to myself more and more through the cherishing mother.

From Sarah’s perspective, this is when we move into mother work. “We learn to build an inner model of the mother we needed when we were little, and the woman our world needs us to be now”. The last step is then to bring that energy to the surface, to the world.

As I sat down to write this today, I thought about where I am in life right now. I am an active mother of beautiful children, and of my inner child. The act of mothering the three of us is time consuming and important, especially for them as they move through their adolescent years and into their teens. It is the most important focus in my life at this point.

But I am also moving closer to bringing that energy out into the world. Contemplating what to write this morning, I felt called to another mother, Mother Nature, in order to feel into the thread that wanted unraveled in this contemplation. And in seeking direction from that calm, gentle lapping of the waves on the shore as I walked along the beach, I found what I wanted on this special mothering Sunday.

“Mothering” says Sarah, “in the way of the great mother caring for us as her children. Like a deep nurturing, a deep protection, a deep unconditional love”.

I hope that you will take the time to mother yourself, to sit down with your wounds and to love them through this mothering energy. It is time for us to bring kindness, compassion and love right back to the heart of where it is needed, beating inside our chests and radiating out into the world.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy  Should We Abandon Happiness as the Impossible Dream?, How Does Who You Say I Love You to Heal the World?, The Quiet Whisperings of Truth That Inspire Our Life, The People Who Hurt Us Are Vehicles for Our Growth and Be the Change You Want to See. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Image by StockSnap from Pixabay

I know this sounds like an easy question, but as someone who has often accepted far less from relationships of every kind than I should have in my life, I can honestly say it’s actually a very strange sensation to develop healthy relationships at first. It doesn’t feel right, and can even feel a bit like a red flag.

As it’s our subconscious mind that is in charge of our instant biochemical attraction to people, this means we become attracted to those who fit its definition of what feels right. The subconscious is largely driven by what it felt like to be at home (in childhood) and be around our siblings and parents growing up.

Given that most of us experienced conditional love we might then subconsciously form beliefs such as: relationships hurt, they are a roller-coaster, or that it’s a chase. Or we might be conditioned to expect let down, or have low standards for how people show up for us in our lives.

For quite some time I have been studying and scrutinizing relationships of all kinds, both personal and professional. The aim has been to really get better at having more healthy relationships, rather than giving away too much of myself or pulling back and not participating.

I have learned a whole lot about my own needs, values, desires, priorities, and how to have healthy boundaries with others. Recently a lot of my learning has been through personal relationships, but the lessons are equally applicable to the professional relationships I have now, those and in the past and those I will have in the future.

I read a quote from coach and therapist Briana MacWilliam, who teaches Attachment in Adult Relationships which, while she is talking predominantly about romantic partnerships, I think captures the essence of the difference between what is unhealthy and what is healthy in all types of relationships. She says:

“A soulmate relationship is powerful and important, and primarily intended for soul growth. They may be passionate and fiery, and have a sense of urgency about them. Thus, there is an antagonistic quality to them. 

Ascended partnerships, however, while still passionate, are less antagonistic. There is no sense of urgency, rather a feeling of coming home (to yourself). Of course, there is still soulful expansion, but the curriculum changes. You come together as partners to experience your relationships as an inspiration for purposeful work.”
Healthy relationships can feel strange at first precisely because they lack the unhealthy components of relationships that serve only to perpetuate feelings of lack and antagonism.

In a friendship I am forging at the moment, it has utterly lacked the qualities that many prior relationships have. For me those have been about things like: needing to win the other person over by ticking their boxes, not presencing my needs, coming on too strongly, convincing them of my right to have my own opinions (and that those are worthy) and the sense of challenge in proving all of that as well as not being too self important to relate to anyone. All those have the hallmark of taking a square peg and making it work in a round hole. So when I realised that, in this case, the hole was square, it all seemed too easy.

This is precisely the same conversation I had with one of my kids earlier in the week when they asked whether I thought they were “high maintenance”. After an exploratory conversation around this, I discovered that what was being pointed to in this instance was their quirky sense of humour and deep thinking nature. By the end of our conversation, my daughter had reframed “high maintenance” as “incompatible with certain people” especially those who like more conventional and surface type interactions.

It sounds so simple, to seek relationships where we have a lot in common with people, or our strengths and talents are welcomed and compatible, and yet I realise in retrospect that I have been chasing the subconscious challenge of being accepted for who I am among people who are simply as incompatible as those I grew up around.

Amid this sense of “all too easy” ease in the building of my newest friendships, I am consciously aware that my lack of usual angst is a good thing, and have stuck with it. The reward for doing so is beautifully burgeoning relationships that feel in the realms of “together we can be/do/learn more” in a healthy and satisfying way. Certainly my nervous system appreciates the difference and that opens up the channels for creativity and growth as never before. It feels like the brakes are off.

So how many of your relationships feel like a good fit for you? And in which are you striving to presence yourself and become accepted for who you really are? Is it time to seek relationships where you have a lot in common with people, or your strengths and talents are welcomed and compatible, so that you can accelerate your growth and expansion in life?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy  Are You Ready for More Healthy Relationships? How Would It Feel to Have More Ease, Joy and Flow in Your Life? Learning the Fundamentals of More Healthy and Balanced Relationships, How to Surrender to the More Loving Inner Self and What Do You Want From Your Relationships - Time to Take an Inventory? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

For those of us who tend to worry about what others think, whether we will or have upset someone, whether the work we have done is or was or will be good enough, whether we are, in fact, good enough in ourselves – whether we are worthy, deserving beings of others’ time, attention or admiration – perhaps it is time to turn the tables and ask ourselves that question: is this (person/situation) good enough for me?

Lost in another captivating Tracey Rees novel this week, I read those words as one character challenged another to ask herself that question in every moment of a date she was going on. The challenge dropped into my psyche the way just the right lens does when the optometrist is doing a refraction test and suddenly everything on the board in front of me becomes very clear.

An old acquaintance read one of my musings this week and encouraged me to keep following my heart. They believe that by doing so, this makes the world a better place, as do I. It reminded me of one of the dimensions of compatibility that Briana MacWilliam talks about on her courses – having unconditional regard for another person.

She defines this as having appreciation for someone because you believe in who they are, regardless of what they give you. And you believe that in simply being who they are, they contribute to the good of humankind and you like being around their energy.

I can honestly say that this is a quality I look for and attract in most friendships, yet, I’ve allowed its absence in many of my romantic relationships. As I’ve mentioned a few times recently, it’s our subconscious mind that is in charge of our instant biochemical attraction to someone.

As it is much more primal and in charge of our emotions, this allows us to become attracted to people who fit its definition of love, which is largely driven by what it felt like to be at home (in childhood) and be around our siblings and parents growing up.

Most of us experienced conditional love that has painful associations that then lie at the root of problems in our love relationships.  We might subconsciously form the belief that love hurts, that it’s a roller-coaster, or that it’s a chase. Or we might be conditioned to expect let down, or have low standards for how people show up for us in our lives. 

I always felt growing up that life is far more relative than the absolute rights and wrongs I was taught. And that those rules were shaping me into someone that was not entirely me, and pressing parts of me into an oblivion that I have slowly started to uncover and unravel as life has taught me some harsh lessons.

Often in romantic relationships I’ve perhaps unsurprisingly attracted people who also wanted me to fit their shape of what was right for them and – perhaps because I was used to doing it – that is what I often did. I still catch myself doing it at times and then I rebel in all sorts of covert ways, maybe in being overly analytical, psychoanalyzing people and situations in order to understand and cope with them.

Not so long ago I found myself apologizing to a friend who, in other circumstances, may have been more of a romantic relationship. But I had found myself psychoanalyzing their situation uninvited and it was creating resentment. The truth was I was probably doing it because I had become resentful of the energy imbalance in the relationship; I was overinvested and insecure, giving too much, and trying to rationalise out the imbalance.

In other words, I was not receiving what I needed from the relationship so I was feeling that I was not good enough and doubling down my efforts to be more, do more, give more. All this instead of presencing my needs, taking the reaction to that as information about whether and how to proceed with the relationship, and recognizing that it was not good enough for me in the form it had taken.

Old habits die hard, but when I read that question and asked whether this relationship was good enough for me, I realised straight away that it is not, and the many ways in which I’d given away my own boundaries in a repeat of the times previously when I’d unconsciously followed the same pattern.

This isn’t about assigning absolute levels of worthiness to individual beings, it’s about wherever they are/the situation is in relation to my priories and needs. We are all different and inherently worthy, it’s simply about finding a match rather than trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.

I have to say, relationships are both an art and science, and they can’t be forced. It would be like forcing a flower to open, destroying its beauty in the process.

Yes it is hard to walk away from something that is a part match, because those parts that are compatible and do feel good are alluring for a time. But as Glennon Doyle says, once we imagine more for ourselves there is no going back; to stay is to become bitter and sick and live in quiet desperation.

This is as applicable in romantic relationships as it is in a career, or any close friendship or relationship. If I haven’t been clear about what my needs are, that is down to me to presence them, but understanding that it is no one’s duty to meet them, that is their choice.

I am now committed to a path where, if I’ve presented my needs, and that situation or person cannot or will not meet them, then it is up to me to reposition that relationship accordingly (for example, a potential mate may become a friend or an acquaintance, a potential career may become a short consulting assignment etc) or walk away.

So ask yourself, if you worry about what others think, whether you will or have upset someone, whether the work you have done is or was or will be good enough, whether you are, in fact, good enough in yourself, what covert ways do you go about getting your needs met? And how does this usually work out for you? Perhaps it is time to turn the tables and ask yourself that question: is this (person/situation) good enough for me?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy  I Am Enough, Trust That It’s Absolutely Okay to Not Know Where You’re Going, How Do You Know When You Are the Best and Highest Version of Yourself?, Which Dimensions of Compatibility Are Most Important to You?  and How to Appreciate Our Differences Enough to Admire and Want to Embrace Them. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

“Having clear boundaries means that we are in touch with the healthy, loving part of ourselves to know what does and does not work for our higher good, and to choose accordingly.” ~Michael Mirdad

Over the last few years I’ve been doing a lot of work around boundaries, identifying my own needs, wants and desires and learning the skills of communicating and holding them in a healthy way. However, it wasn’t until my boundaries around sex were a bit challenged that I realised I had been unquestioningly operating from a paradigm of “sex belongs in a committed relationship” for as long as I can remember.

This paradigm had not resulted in good experiences or entirely healthy or fulfilling relationships. I twisted my priorities, compromised in ways that are not for my higher good across many of my needs and beliefs, shamed myself and tried to shape those significant others in fruitless attempts to fit “the whole of me” into this version of life.

Even if there was great sexual chemistry and intimacy, there was always other dimensions of me packed away painfully unable to fully express themselves, if at all, within the confines of those “committed relationships”. But there were also times when I found myself compatible with people in other areas and entered into a full romantic relationship with them, even although there really was no chemistry.

This was not a paradigm that allowed for free expression. It was constricting, there was always over-compromise and incompatibility.

I was brought up to believe that love was a feeling, one “you will just know when you feel it”. It turns out that “feeling” of attraction is a biochemical response, based on the neurobiology being wired through the years our childhood where our home life and relationships with our siblings and parents becomes our subconscious definition of love. For most of us this love was conditional.

This was reinforced in movies and TV, this mythical feeling seemed to have people do all sorts of major life changing things for love. So giving away parts of myself, not having all my needs met, wasn’t even a conscious concern, my biochemical reactions were running the show. That didn’t mean I didn’t feel the pain of having parts of myself locked away, it just meant I was used to that feeling, it felt normal.

Now I know the best relationships are the ones which are built on compatibility, and there are so many dimensions to that. It's far more than just whether you're friends and have chemistry, which is how I would have defined a good relationship up until the last few years.

Compatibility is multi dimensional, and there are a few models out there that attempt to define the various dimensions. But really we get to decide what is important and to what degree. These are things like values and beliefs, sexual chemistry, emotional intimacy, humour, interests, future goals, spirituality, affection, financial beliefs, how well you both contribute to the day to day routines and necessary functions of the home, how safe your nervous system/body feels around the other person, and even appreciating someone because you believe in who they are, regardless of what they give you, you like being around their energy.

I’m an ideas person, I have big ideas about the ways in which our world will evolve, and yet in very few of my relationships have I experienced people who “get me” in that way. Most often I was disregarded for my talents and capacity for ideas and steered more towards what I could bring to the table practically. I didn’t presence myself in that way, I was used to it, it was normal in my childhood home and the society I was brought up among. And that is just one way in which I’ve over-compromised.

In her first novel Amy Snow, set in the early Victorian era of high society England, Tracey Rees captures beautifully the kind of attitudes that perpetuated female oppression that were still evident in my own childhood; and still exist in many places in the world today.

The novel centres around Amy Snow, named for the bank of snow she was abandoned on as a baby. Amy was found by eight-year-old Aurelia Vennaway, the only heir of Lord and Lady Vennaway. It is through Aurelia’s stubborn wanting that Amy is allowed to remain in their home, brought up by the servants and despised by the masters. Aurelia, however, treats her as a little sister; she is Amy’s only advocate and becomes the light of her life and centre of her existence.

When Aurelia dies of illness in her twenties, the now seventeen-year-old Amy must leave her so called home and go on a journey of discovery to seek her own identity and place in the world. Aurelia has left her a trail to follow that exposes Amy to more people, places, ideas and ideals, giving her choices beyond her upbringing. It is through this journey that there are so many parallels with any of us who are making our way in the world – whether for the first time or starting over…again.

This paragraph, expressed by Aurelia’s mother – Lady Vennaway - captures something of the attitudes I was brought up regarding sex:

“She had loved every moment with him she told me. More than anything she had loved their coupling – in the hay loft behind the dairy! She felt her soul flood with light, so she said. I stopped her there, I would listen to no more. I had extensive experience of these things after all, and her suggestion that it could be enjoyable was obscene. Profane!”

But the young heiress had found her own way in these matters, despite not marrying due to her illness, and advises Amy posthumously through letters of a love affair she had:

“I pray for you that you might experience what I felt, when you are ready and the time is right. It was as soft and silky as the twilight and as luminous as the stars. It felt as though the whole world was ordering itself around me. I felt I were drinking him in through my fingers, palms, lips…absorbing every inch to store in my memory. There was a fever to it, Amy, that was greater than I could have imagined. It felt ancient. It felt sacred. I am still marveling, years later, at the wonder of it and that it is so forbidden.”

As Amy starts out on her journey she meets two very different men, one she falls in love with, the other she is rather duped by in a way that “offends her sensibilities”. Again, I could relate to this from the kind of men I was warned about growing up:

“Thinking of Quentin Garland’s shameless usage of me makes my skin crawl. I feel so horribly stupid when I remember all the moments that my instincts told me the truth and I barely noticed, so bedazzled was I by the elegant figure he cut. I felt honoured and validated by his attentions when I was in low spirits, when I felt like an outcast, yet it was all mixed up in a sense that something wasn’t right. My instincts whispered to me but my insecurities made me deaf to them….By what right did he decide that my life, my heart, my future might be employed to serve his interests! Despicable regard for humanity!”

One of the people Amy has met on her journey is the indomitable and rather formidable elderly Mrs  Riversthorpe. She sets Amy straight:

“Pfff, sensibilities! Amy, you were born into disgrace and have been treated as such most of your life… You’re a young woman travelling alone in a society that reviles independence in a woman, you invite censure and misunderstanding! You can’t afford sensibilities!

I was young when I was seduced by a scoundrel who abandoned me.. A similar thing had happened a few years earlier to another young lady of my acquaintance. She killed herself for the shame of it…Clearly I made a different choice, anyone who would rather be dead than disgraced s a fool…

That was sixty five years ago. They have not all been easy years, they have not all been pretty, and they were filled with trials, but they were my years – all mine – and no one can tell me I should not have had them.

I have been talked about, you may believe it. Many of the stories are true, and many are not. That is the way of it when you step outside the cage. But I will not deign to correct a single one of them. So here you are, you find me not respectable but powerful, which is a different thing altogether.”

I suspect we all need a Mrs Riversthorpe in our lives to set our priorities straight. Now that I have weeded out this limiting belief that was taught to me but actually doesn't belong to me, that sex has to be part of a committed relationship, I am on a different track. I have a different view of it.

After a long, hard look I’ve discovered that my own truth is as long as I feel like I can delight in someone - and vice versa - with reverence, then that is what matters most. There has to be attraction, desire and respect. 

I am sad that I allowed the oppression that “sex only belongs in a committed relationship” brought, instead of allowing myself full and free expression. But I am wiser now, softer, more relaxed and in myself.

This part of me says I need not commit myself to a relationship if it were to mean giving away other parts of myself, I am free to express those also, I just need to sit people at my table accordingly. The other part was an illusion, a constriction of society’s making, a mother trying to do the right thing protecting her daughter’s virtue.

But I was never flighty of nature, I was always as deep as the ocean, there was never any real need to protect. Instead it created alarm, stagnation, held me back. I know pleasure and I know pain, I am now free to choose the former where there is attraction, desire and reverence. There is sanctity and healing to be found here in the empowerment and full expression of oneself in the embodied form.

There has been grief that it has taken me so long to learn this, but also gratitude that I finally have. If I can borrow from Tracey Rees for one final quote as Amy comes to the journey’s end that Aurelia set out for her, and she burns her letters to ensure her secrets remain so:

“My own chronicles too I set alight, the pages that I have covered with heartache and memories… they flare and flourish and suddenly they are gone. I say farewell to that whole part of my life. I shed my misfortunes in the fire, they do not define me. And in this way I claim another blank canvas on which to paint my identity – and my future.”

What I have come to believe is that sex is sacred, it is ancient, empowering, healing and should be treated as such. But the only relationship I need to be committed to is the one with myself. What is your relationship with your sexuality? And is it one that limits you or does it set you free?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy  Should We Abandon Happiness as the Impossible Dream? Do You Need to Change Your Narrative Around Sexuality? Relationships are Just a Series of Moments – True Love Lies Within and How Do You Know When You Are the Best and Highest Version of Yourself? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I have spent many years of my career doing what others saw as useful in me, rather than what I wanted to do myself. The problem was I never really knew what I wanted to do, so I would just get pulled from pillar to post doing what others thought I would be good at.

Now this isn’t necessarily a bad strategy, it certainly helped me discern what I don’t want, but it only narrows the field to a point where there are still more possibilities than I could ever explore. Now with the benefit of experience and hindsight I can see that what is most important, is knowing who I am and presencing that in the world, following any intuitive nudges I get about which direction to take next.

I always envied those people who knew what they wanted from early on. Right back to the days of seeing a career counselor at school, to choose which subjects to study, there were people who knew what they wanted and didn’t want.

That said, there was also a standard list of careers that got presented, as if life consisted only of these limited choices. The realms of teaching, engineering, railways, banking, office work and human resources were my heritage, and – in those days – technology was in its burgeoning stages as a brand new study option in higher education for those who felt called to computer programming.

None of it really inspired me, which is why I ended up with a bit of a “pick and mix” degree in science – which consisted of a range of topics from psychology (which I loved) to mathematics (which I hated and failed miserably at several times) to business studies (which I aced). To be fair I think I really only went to university because the infamous Margaret Thatcher’s government was funding higher education and it seemed easier to carry on than leave.

However, after a postgraduate diploma in human resource management (or personnel management as it was called back then), I finally entered the workforce proper. Along the way I had had many part time and casual jobs to fund my social life while I studied, and most of those were face to face customer service type roles in various industries.

But when I presented myself to recruitment agencies in the hope of finding something to get started, they saw my qualifications in human resources and wanted me in recruitment. Despite it having a heavy sales component, which I hated, I ended up working for three different firms in that industry before finally getting on track with something more me.

That period in my life was coupled with a huge amount of self driven personal development. I read my way through so many books of the era, which were really driven by the “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t – you’re right”  (Henry Ford) approach, which emphasizes how much attitude determines success or failure. It also emphasizes having a goal (and thus assuming knowing what one wants to do) – which I didn’t.

I then landed a customer complaints management role and found that, while I was well equipped for the day to day practicalities from the various jobs I’d had through university, what I was really drawn to was driving change and transformation from the feedback that was received from customers. I ended up doing this on various projects on behalf of the owning group of the company I started in, and in industry bodies.

Along the way it became obvious that the people component of change is where my real talents and enthusiasm lay. I was involved in a number of large transformation programs across different organisations and industries, until eventually I became disillusioned by the constant changing tides of company ownership and shareholder focus, along with school playground type antics in the management structures that most often led to any meaningful change never really getting off the ground.

This came simultaneously with the intense years of birthing and parenting small children, which began the next huge phase of personal growth in my life. I realised that when up against the grain, it wasn’t enough to simply have a good attitude. Conscious awareness of thoughts, goals and such forth seemed very distant when in a place of chronic stress. What came to the fore were constantly self sabotaging patterns and so began the years of study on what causes those and how to overcome them.

This has been a deep dive into psychology, consciousness, trauma, relationships and human potential at a deeper level than ever before. And as my children are getting more independent I have been asking “what now?” Really I have felt no surer in some ways than I did sitting outside the career counsellor’s office when I was thirteen years old.

Of course, that is not entirely true. The journey evidenced by these weekly musings for the last eight years points to a thorough examination of life and how I show up in all my aspects. It’s compass has been pointed in the direction of revealing authentic desire versus conditioned responses. I take in information from the world around me like a sponge and use it like a game of warmer-colder where one person gives the other players directions to an object in temperature words depending on how close to the object they are.

I resonate strongly with Ross Caligiuri’s words “If you feel like you don’t fit into the world you inherited it is because you were born to help create a new one”. I resonated with Briana McWilliam’s words about how much I value talking about ideas versus issues of the mundane, and I resonate with so many aspects of the main character, who is a writer, in the latest Tracey Rees novel I’m reading.

Not that I see myself writing anything so Goliath as a book at this point, but to be able to explore and ponder ideas, yes, and in writing, yes, that is me certainly. And I start to wonder, do I need a name for what I want to do at this stage? Perhaps it’s only something I will see so clearly in the rear view mirror?

Like my degree at university, I like doing a bit of a pick and mix in life. I like learning new things about myself, the world and the way we all interact. I like pondering ideas and applying the thoughts in new ways, to new things. I love helping people and I adore the ways in which we can evolve and transform and how nothing seems to change day to day, but look back a year or two or twenty and the whole world has tilted on its axis.

I doubt a single moment has been wasted on this meandering journey of mine, each step leads to another, and sometimes there’s a sidestep, but it all adds up of that I am sure. It’s all useful and in the service of whatever I’m doing at the time.

I’m at the beginning of life’s most fun and productive years, those between fifty and eighty where a lot of the years of striving are behind me. The soil has been created, planted, harvested and dug over afresh. The question is what shall grow now?

I feel far more at peace now in my life not knowing where I’m going, yet surer of who I am and having the faith to trust that if I follow what feels right for me, I’m on the right path. That is the part that was missing all those years ago as I meandered, it was a journey of getting to know myself.

So what about you? Do you know yourself well enough to presence those parts of you in the world that you wish to put to use, rather than be swayed by someone else’s plans for you? How comfortable are you in following the serendipities and things that feel right? Can you trust that it’s absolutely okay to not know where you’re going?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Do You Want to Make a Heartfelt Change to Your Career?, How Do You Know When You Are the Best and Highest Version of Yourself?, Who Do You Need to Become in Order to Realise Your Dreams?  and What Possibilities Can You Get Excited About Right Now in Your Life? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I’ve been having some beautiful conversations this week on compatibility in relationships and some major insights into my own drivers and patterns that have – until now – led me towards some very incompatible partners.

As I talked about in How to Make Home a Happy Place Where You Are Loved, Supported and Encouraged, it’s our subconscious mind that is in charge of our instant biochemical attraction to someone. As it is much more primal and in charge of our emotions, this allows us to become attracted to someone who fits its definition of love, which is largely driven by what it felt like to be at home (in childhood) and be around our siblings and parents growing up.

Most of us experienced conditional love that has painful associations which cause the problems in our love relationships.  We might subconsciously form the belief that love hurts, that it’s a roller-coaster, that it’s a chase. Or we might be conditioned to expect let down, or have low standards for how people show up for us in our lives. 

Not appreciating any of this as I ventured into womanhood, my only guidance to the question “How do I know if I'm in love?" was that it is a feeling "you will just know". This was reinforced in movies and TV, and this mythical feeling seemed to have people do all sorts of major life changing things for love. So giving away parts of myself, not having all my needs met, wasn’t even a conscious concern, my biochemical reactions were running the show.

As I gained more experience in the mirror of my relationships, I started to define successful love relationships as having two components: chemistry and friendship. Even then, I ended up committing to relationships that really only ever had one of those at best.

I was pondering the definition of a good friend a little yesterday, and concluded that friendship is as subjective as chemistry, and dependant on our personal experiences and priorities. It can also be very multidimensional – like I may have certain fun friends, others to ponder my ideas and deep thoughts with, others to engage in certain activities with and so forth.

Last year when I was doing a course on Attachment Theory with Briana MacWilliam, she talked about the different dimensions of relationship compatibility. We looked at values and beliefs, as well as things like sexual chemistry, emotional intimacy, humour, interests, future goals and spirituality. Other dimensions were introduced that I hadn’t thought about before:

• Unconditional Regard – appreciation for someone because you believe in who they are, regardless of what they give you. And you believe that by being who they are they contribute to the good of humankind, and you like being around their energy
  
• Domesticity – how well you both contribute to the day to day routines and necessary functions of the home. Affection – the importance of physical affection, outside of sexual intercourse or behaviours
• Intellectualism – how much you like talking about ideas versus issues of the mundane
• Generosity – a willingness to be generous in the relationship and towards each other without feeling depleted, manipulated or taken advantage of
• Cultural influences – the impact of culture and tradition (and potentially intersecting systems of oppression) on you and your partner

And I added in a few of my own around financial beliefs, maturity (the degree to which we each take responsibility for our own reactions and behaviours, lean into any conflict and are willing to grow personally) and the degree to which my body/nervous system feels safe.

This gives me a much clearer picture, and also plays into that pondering about the definition of a good friend and the concept about where people sit at my table. It really all comes down to compatibility. And if I was going to live in the same house and share a life with another person again I'd want that compatibility to be high.

By the same token, there's nothing wrong with incompatibility if it's your soul's calling to growth, but I will attest it is often a painful way to grow. After 50 years of incompatibilities I'm grateful for the resultant lessons, but personally I’m happy to try out something more compatible now.

There are different ideas on dimensions of compatibility used in various approaches and captured in different studies, it’s worth doing a search to have a look through and see which resonate most with you if the ones mentioned here aren’t capturing your needs.

While Briana’s purpose was to make me think about what aspects in a relationship are most important to me, it is not a blueprint for a partner so much as an aide to look at the different dimensions of a current/possible partnership and get very clear on where I may automatically be giving parts of myself away instead of making conscious, thought out choices.

As mentioned, Giving away parts of myself is a concept I am familiar with in love partnerships. I had never thought of any of it in a logical way, it was just a case of following the feeling. The consequences, as Robin Norwood opens with in her 1985 book Women Who Love too Much:

• When being in love means being in pain
  
• When most of our conversations with intimate friends are about him, his problems, his thoughts, his feelings – and nearly all our sentences start with “he…”
  
• When we excuse his moodiness, bad temper, indifference, put-downs or problems due to an unhappy childhood and we try to become his therapist
  
• When we read a self help book and underline all the passages we think would help him
  
• When we don’t like his basic characteristics, values and behaviours but we put up with them thinking that if we are attractive and loving enough he will want to change for us
  
• When our relationship jeopordises our emotional wellbeing and perhaps even our physical health and safety
  

All these are things I have experienced and all are signs of giving too much, because what I am giving away is parts of myself, my own wants, needs and desires. When I looked at Briana's compatibility dimensions, and added a few of my own, and the degree to which each is important, it soon became clear just how much I'd been compromising myself in so many areas.

Especially when I look at things such as how much I enjoy talking about ideas versus issues of the mundane, and appreciating someone because you believe in who they are regardless of what they give you. Being an ideas person myself, while it's not so important to me to match with another ideas person, it is important that they hold my ideas in high regard.

And yet in very few of my relationships have I experienced people who “get me” in that way. Most often I would find I was disregarded for my talents and capacity for ideas and steered more towards what I could bring to the table practically. This is a reflection also of my childhood experiences.

That then got me thinking about what it might be like to be with someone with big ideas of their own, maybe a humanitarian type, or ecologist, someone with ideas and ideals about something bigger than themselves. I'd certainly love to be around more thinkers, movers and shakers who want to change the world.

I can see now that being led by that biochemistry in the past (which arises from our subconscious childhood wiring) thinking that's "love" and therefore make everything else work, really suppressed so many parts of me. Something I’m no longer willing to do.

So what about you, which relationships are regularly causing you to feel constricted and unhappy? What parts of yourself are you unconsciously giving away? And is it time to look more closely at the various different dimensions of compatibility and how important they are to you?  

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How to Let Go of Your Attachment to Your Feelings, Expectations and Beliefs, What Resentment, Frustration and Pain Have to Do With Your Boundaries, Draw Solitude Around You Like a Warm Blanket - Get To Know Yourself and What Do You Want From Your Relationships - Time to Take an Inventory? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.