A few years ago I recall writing about relationships as a series of moments, and this is very much how my life feels at present. On another continent, visiting friends and family I haven’t seen in many years, I’m experiencing some beautiful but fleeting reconnections.

I left my homeland seventeen years ago, and have been back only once in that time when I lost my mum, that was six years ago. I vowed then not to leave it so long, life had gotten in the way and I wanted my children to know this part of their roots and know the people that are part of their story.

We had planned to make this trip back in 2020 and, of course, with pandemic restrictions we – like most other people on the planet – had to put those plans on hold. So there has been a long period of anticipation, plans made and unmade. And so as plans long held in abeyance come to fruition I am revelling in the moments of reconnection.

Then, just like that, they are gone and a state of grief sets in. Why had I chosen to leave these wonderful people? I may not have had the greatest success in my life when it came to romantic relationships, but friends I tended to choose well, and I had already been blessed with a large and lovely family. Visiting with those I’ve stayed in touch with over the years is an absolute joy.

And it’s so deliciously easy, resuming conversations as though the intervening years hadn’t transpired, meeting children who have been born and grown, getting reacquainted and sharing our joys and woes. I miss these people, my people, and as many more long anticipated moments are coming and going I am pondering on the decisions I have made, the life I have in my new home.

I also miss the good friends and loved ones that live in that land, and whom and look forward to seeing again when I return. As I mused on this with my partner, who is one of those from whom I am apart right now, I was reflecting on how very lucky I am really to have all these wonderful people in my life.

He reminded me that life is just a series of moments, and the good thing is that we get to plan more. “Good or bad, life passes and things change” he said, I couldn’t agree more. What remains consistent is my love for those people in my life, whether I see them on a daily basis or not more than once in many years, my connection to and with them remains and – for that – I am grateful.

This land from which I hailed also remains. Once upon a time it was on my doorstep, with its entirety of consumer choices and long and rich history etched in places one can visit on rainy days. While I’m enjoying it now, I know it too will soon be half a world away once more. But then I think of the relative simplicity of the life to which I am returning, the one where I take my regular beach walks and commune with nature, and feel blessed to have all of this in my life.

What about you? Who are the people and places in your life who have meant so much to you? Are there moments of connection and reconnection you have planned so you can savour the anticipation and then reflect upon the richness afterwards? It really is an exercise in gratitude for me, taking time out of my normal routines, and it’s giving me a greater perspective and appreciation for all that I have in my life.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Relationships are Just a Series of Moments – True Love Lies Within, Give Yourself the Gift of Presence to Relieve the Torture of Stress, What or Who Do You Call Home and Is It Your Happy Place? and An Open Letter to an Old Friend.  To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

We are now twelve thousand miles from the place I usually live, which has caused me to muse on the meaning of the word home. Technically I have returned to what could also be called home, which is the country I was born and brought up in, and lived for the first few decades of my life.

As we flew here I became acutely aware, as the journey progressed, of this planet we call home. In the years of COVID19 restrictions I was feeling decidedly cut off from other people and places, so it was a joy to traverse much of the planet from the air and - with the aid of the now readily available satellite communications – give regular updates to my loved ones about where on the planet we now were.

Starting in the Antipodes, we made our way over Indonesia, south eastern Asia, and India, where I have spent some time. Then we moved on into the Middle East before landing in the United Arab Emirates. The temperature at 5.30 in the morning was 33 degrees and, as the sun came up, I could only see the golden top of the Gevora Hotel; the Burj Khalifa was hidden in the fog.

I find it fascinating watching the maps on the plane that show which parts of the world the sun is illuminating at any point in time, and it gives me the sense that life on our planet is always in motion. As we headed over southern and eastern Europe and on into western Europe I could feel a sense of growing familiarity with the lands and places of my earlier years.

But is this physical perspective actually what I consider to be home? Part of it perhaps.

When overwhelmed, from the time she was able to talk, my eldest child has often said “I want to go home”.  This may sound sensible enough, but when she said it - more often than not – she already was at home in the sense of meaning “the house in which we live”.

As a parent, like any other, I learned to discern what my kids meant through non verbal means from their earliest days as babies. What I quickly ascertained was that she was referring to the much broader place from whence she came, pre physical existence, where human trials and tribulations are seen from a much lighter and broader perspective.

Regardless of beliefs on that topic, I think the more distance we have from anything, the more perspective we can gain without getting lost in the intensity of the moment. It truly is a case of seeing the wood from the trees. So is this more spiritual definition my true north when it comes to defining home?

Certainly there are times I too feel life would be easier if I could just let go of its cumbersome impossibility. Of course, I recognise that now as very apt. If I’m seeing something as impossible, it is. Letting go of unwieldy concerns for me is a process of gaining perspective upon them. I have to give myself permission to really sit down with my worst fears and hear them out before I can have space to entertain any other perspectives.

This, though, is a psychological struggle. Teal Swan says “For many of us the home (that we grew up in) was a mix of good feelings and bad feelings, but it’s the painful associations that we have with home that cause the problems in our love relationships.” That sense of home is driven by our biochemical and neurological wiring, which is where my worst fear often stem from, the outdated inner voices of a childhood long gone.

Psychologically and emotionally, after a deliberate personal growth journey, many of those earlier unhelpful inner voices that had continued to drive my subconscious narrative for far too long are now more at peace. This means that the people I attract and am attracted to, are not simply replays of old dynamics any longer. I am no longer subconsciously seeking a “do over” to try and evoke different outcomes to assuage any feelings of lack of worth, differences or belonging.

In essence, for the most part, I am no longer seeking permission to be me.

And that means that - in terms of those people, creatures and places that take up the majority of my time and attention on a daily basis – there is a far closer alignment to what I would call my starting point, my spiritual perspective. 

This is when I am truly at home and at peace, when my outer and inner worlds are all in harmony and alignment. As per the sign in my lounge, at last “Home is my haven, a happy place where I am supported and encouraged, a place where I am loved and can love”. I feel truly blessed now for the people and circumstances of my life.

What about you, what is your definition of home? And is it a happy one which provides you with a sense of being supported and encouraged? Where you can love and be loved for exactly who you truly are?

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How to Make Home a Happy Place Where You Are Loved, Supported and Encouraged, Where Talent Meets Passion: Cherish Your Life as a Career? and Give Yourself the Gift of Presence to Relieve the Torture of Stress.  To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

I was reading an old post from Eryka Stanton this week and it inspired me to sense check how I am showing up in the world, am I really owning all of who I am?

Her particular post really resonates with me as the things she reminds me to own are very much me: to own that I am different, a deep feeler and thinker, tuned into a different frequency, sensing things others don’t, that I’m done having meaningless conversations and holding myself back.

She also reminded me that it is okay if my family doesn’t get me or if the world judges me, or if I want to dance barefoot upon the earth and gaze endlessly at the stars. One of her most powerful reminders is:

“You have come a long way to be who you are. So own it. Own all of it.”

As I’ve been packing and getting organised for a big oversees trip to visit friends and family at the opposite side of the world for the first time in six years, it’s interesting to reflect back upon who I was when I last visited.

I was a daughter losing her mother, a partner cast adrift and a mother keeping her young children close while also trying to support many others along the way. I had changed significantly from the time previous when I had left those shores, because my whole world view had changed and come sharply into focus; everything was now seen as part of a much broader picture, all interconnected.

After losing mum, one of the biggest teachers in my life, I started to really get down to the business of figuring out what the inner critic in me had to say. How it was linked to outdated patterns of thoughts and behaviours that were no longer serving me, what my real needs, wants, desires, talents, gifts and so on are, and how to presence these through developing healthy boundaries and getting much braver and better at communicating them.

As I am getting ready to embark on this journey back to my once homeland again, Eryka’s words were a timely check in. In a new, healthier place now, I notice how I’m taking space I need to get things organised; I’m owning that I need that space. I’m also noticing that it’s still not easy, balancing what I need with what I want and what others need and want.

My daughter is mirroring this back to me in her life too. In her last week of school term she was a bit run down, she was losing her voice, which wasn’t ideal as she was leading a welcome song and narrating a play to honor the coming of Matariki. In the first half of her holidays she wanted to have an extended sleepover with her close friend, what she needed of course was rest. Inevitably her body has now said no to any more activity on her behalf as it rebalances from her having overridden her own best interests. 

It is always a tricky balance between meeting our needs and desires and, ultimately, everything is a trade off. I find my body will make sure I get my needs met when I’m not listening, even if it means developing uncomfortable chronic symptoms or flooring me with some healing reaction. But it’s interesting when I had a bit of a deeper look at how I’m faring with my boundaries under stress as I try to get things done before I go, I can see that when I’m under stress is when I have a tendency to revisit old patterns.

As I’ve traversed this week I’m noticing my mind wants to jump on anything that comes my way and treat it as urgent, even when that isn’t necessary. I’ve noticed that I’m treating others’ wants and desires – not even necessarily their needs – as if they are my priority. It’s as if my psyche has lost the ability to discern and see clearly and it’s taking quite a bit of self discipline and active management to recognise and treat things that come my way in the healthiest way possible.  

And that is okay. Owning who I am is also about recognising the old patterns when they come up and seeing them for what they are. I have to remind myself that I can stand down, relax and lean into being who I am without having to prove myself worthy to anyone.

To recognise our own wants, desires, talents and needs often takes a lot of observation, discipline and persistence. Learning to presence them in relationships with others takes even more so. You have come a long way to be who you are, so own it; own all of it. As Eryka Stanton says “The world needs you to be exactly as you are. You hold the balance in this crazy world.”

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Explore, Uncover and Show Your Real Needs and Desires to Be Happy , Embody Your Spirituality – a Healing Journey, Are You Ready for More Healthy Relationships? and How to Let Go of Your Attachment to Your Feelings, Expectations and Beliefs. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

Last night I had some solitude for the first time in a while, I was feeling tired so I decided to catch up on some Grey’s Anatomy rather than do anything active. Now finished its nineteenth series, I’ve always loved the episode wrap-up/ voice over at the end when the character Meredith Grey reflects on life’s lessons.

She said “When we don’t feel heard or validated it can be easy to forget that we aren’t actually alone. There’s a difference between being alone and feeling lonely. Sometimes being alone is the only way we can hear our own hearts trying to communicate what it is that we actually want, what we need, and who we love. Then we can move through this world with better communication when we actually have something important to say, and be crystal clear when we do.”

For most of my life being alone was a scary prospect, now I deeply value the times I get to spend with myself.  After having completed one of Briana MacWilliam’s Attachment 101 courses last year, I now understand far more about the dynamics of why that used to be so scary to me, and why I feel far more secure in the times I’m alone.

Dr. Gabor Maté says “Attachment is the first priority of living things. It is only when there is some release from this preoccupation that maturation can occur. In plants, the roots must first take hold for growth to commence and bearing fruit to become a possibility. For children, the ultimate agenda of becoming viable as a separate being can take over only when their needs are met for attachment, for nurturing contact and for being able to depend on the relationship unconditionally”.

He goes on to say that few parents – and even fewer experts – understand this intuitively, “When I became a parent, one thoughtful father (who did understand this) said to me that he saw the world seemed absolutely convinced that we must actively form our children’s characters rather than simply create an environment in which they can develop and thrive.”

“Nobody seemed to get that if you give them the loving connection they need, they will flourish. The key to activating maturation is to take care of the attachment needs of the child. To foster independence we must first foster dependence; to promote individuation we must first provide a sense of belonging and unity; to help a child separate we must assume responsibility for first keeping the child close.”

This rings true for me, having grown up in a world that certainly told me - and held me accountable for -  becoming the kind of person it required me to be. That world comprised of my parents, their parents and heritage, our wider family and friends, teachers, religious doctrines, sports coaches, doctors, the government, TV, movies, the media and so on.

Listening to a podcast this week interviewing Tony Schwartz and Kimberly Manns about their audio learning program The Reckoning, I also resonated with their description that our personality types are really a collection of our many parts. The parts – which we all recognise (think of the times you might say “there’s a part of me that thinks/feels…”) – arise out of defense. We want to be shown a sense of value or worthiness and so these parts are what develop in response to the expectations put upon as we grow.

One of the earliest messages I remember receiving was that I didn’t belong, I was on my own, and it was terrifying. As a three year old I recall arriving at the hospital with my dad to visit my mum and new baby brother. I recall my feelings of enthusiasm as I pushed the car door open, this was my moment, I was to become the responsible big sister.

Unfortunately the hospital rules did not allow children onto the ward, so I was left alone on the stairwell. It was one of those which had a platform between sets of steps that changed directions, the platform being large enough to have a little waiting area on it looking up at the doors and corridor between two wards; one of which my mum and new brother were in.

Dad had no choice but to leave me there with a nurse, who only stayed momentarily. So I sat listening as footsteps would approach the doors to the wards and people would occasionally come and go. I was alone and I – in my three year old brain – assimilated the experience as abandonment. I was highly anxious, but I developed a mask because I had to be the responsible big sister and that was my new role.

There was a part of me that presented the highly independent, responsible, confident, big sister to the world at large, but there was also another part of me that later sought through my primary attachment relationships (i.e. my romantic relationships) the sense of safety and belonging that I had left on that stairwell.

Briana says “Attachment styles are the instinctual blueprint, the wiring in the survival part of our brains, that determine how much closeness or distance we need to feel that our survival needs are met. Depending on the extent to which the parenting we received was supportive and loving versus critical and demeaning, many of us grow up with insecure attachment styles”.

Attachment styles can be thought of in the sense of whether we behave in ways that are highly avoidant or highly anxious; with those who are low in both avoidance and anxiety being considered more secure in themselves. There are many ways and layers with which to define this but through my life, and in my primary attachment relationships, I would often fall into what’s popularly called “the anxious –avoidant trap”.

This is where person with anxious attachment (me in my unconscious “wired” still 3-year old state) moves towards intimacy, and the person with avoidant attachment (various romantic partners) moved away from intimacy to regain their space. Life had taken me on a journey in which I then kept attracting people with the opposite attachment style.

This made me feel needy, and when they pulled away, abandoned all over again. I recall one incident, over twenty years ago now, where an ex partner of mine that I lived with was going out on a Sunday night. I broke down in tears as he left, and sat sobbing my heart out on the other side of the front door for a long time after he had gone.

He had only gone out to pursue a hobby, he returned of course, and over time those Sunday evenings became the beginning of the journey to me.  I started doing Brandon Bays’ Journey work, it became cherished time to hear my own heart communicate what it is that I actually wanted, what I needed, and who I loved.

I discovered my first love had to be me and – while I didn’t naturally take space, the closer I was to someone the more available I became – I eventually learned the value of taking and giving space over time.

Over the years I have sat down with many other parts of myself that once served a rational survival purpose and I’ve entered into new relationships with them, honouring the important role they had once served and reframing them so that I could mature.

In Gabor’s words, I had to meet my own needs to feel secure attachment and – to the point from Grey’s Anatomy - so I can move through this world with better communication when I actually have something important to say, and be crystal clear when I do.

There have been many teachers who have helped me along the way, and many of the best have been the unwitting antagonists in my life story, the ones with whom I felt a great deal of pain. But it was this pain that drove me to seek out the wise words and understanding that I have heard and applied over the years from many quarters.

The journey is ongoing, but it is mine to direct. And taking the time to regularly hear what is in my heart is a huge part of that practice.

How do you feel in the times you are left to your own devices, without distraction? Are you comfortable hearing your inner thoughts and feeling your emotions? Would it be of value to you to be able to move through this world with better communication when you actually have something important to say, and be crystal clear when you do?

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How to Let Go of Your Attachment to Your Feelings, Expectations and Beliefs, Meditation – the Cornerstone to Your Success, How to Deal With Not Being Liked – Those People Who Do Not Treat You Well, How Do I Know When a Relationship Is Healthy? and Do We Need to Better Understand the Pivotal Role of Parenting to Evolve?  To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

I realised this week that I treat so much I embark on as I would a career, be it my relationships, my health, parenting or something I do to make money. I want to get the best I can from everything, I want it to lead somewhere, mean something.

That doesn’t mean everything I do is on track or on topic, sometimes I have to graze my way through half of life’s options to find what is most “me” and I have taken plenty of wrong turns but it’s all good information.

I had been asking Anne Macnaughtan about the difference between job and work versus career matters, as I noticed they are positioned in different houses astrologically. I think I was being intuitively led to ponder my own path as I am transitioning from one life phase to another. She said that a career path is different from what we do on a daily basis in order to earn money. The sixth house is the house of hard work and the tenth house is what a person is ultimately striving for.

My main job in recent years has been that of motherhood, which I came into late on. Day to day it is often not a job I’ve relished; I can find the domesticity, schooling, expectation and behavioural management mundane and tedious. However, with a longer term objective of growing humans who truly know who they are - and respect others for their uniqueness also - I relish much of their emotional, spiritual and psychological development. That is the aspect of it that is more like a career.

Entering parenthood I had anticipated more help with the aspects I see as more of a job, but now I find myself at a juncture where there is regular respite and this makes me more determined than ever to focus more of my attention on things that are meaningful and fulfilling.

Prior to motherhood, a great deal of my career had been spent on doing the groundwork to a number of corporate transformation programs that had great visions of transforming customer experiences by changing the hearts and minds, skills, systems and processes within various organisations.

On every occasion, within a year or two, the organisations were in a cyclical cost cutting mode and “luxuries” like transforming their customer experiences (which were arguably longer term investments, a bit like parenthood) were ditched, trading short term gain for longer term pain in my humble opinion.

What I’m saying is that I’m done giving the majority of my time and energy to things that aren’t sustainable or meaningful in some way, I’m looking for more joy in the day to day work of my end goals;  life is about the journey after all, not the destination.

Annette Noontil – in Your Body is the Barometer of Your Soul - acknowledges a soul is happy when it keeps evolving. She encourages that we organize our time by applying our skills (whether that means sharing our knowledge through speech or actually performing a skill), but warns that if we are putting out too much without learning from it we will deplete our energy.

That has been a saving grace for me through years of parenting, relationships that weren’t quite right, jobs that weren’t quite “me” and so on, I have learned much and grown from each and every experience. Now I’m ready to employ everything I’ve learned so far to embark on experiences that I can enjoy for a much higher proportion of the time.

In Sir Ken Robinson and Lou Aronica’s book Finding Your Element: How To Discover Your Talents and Passions and Transform Your Life, they talk about the point where talent and passion meet being where we feel most inspired, most ‘at home’ in our self.

This sounds like good advice to me, one without the other can be painful. I was doing an exercise recently that gave me a good lens through which to identify – among other aspects - my talents.  The kinds of things I identified are:

• grasping underlying principles and integrating perspectives
• strategizing, giving structure to reach distant goals dictated by a strong vision
• foresight, using insights to deal with complexity and ambiguity
• composing, using whatever is to hand to get a harmonious result
• making sure things are taken care of so others can feel comfortable, involved and succeed
• interpersonal sensitivity, supporting whatever allows the unfolding of a person

As to what I’m most passionate about, when I was answering questions posed by Janet Attwood, author of The Passion Test a while back, I realised I have a real passion for authenticity. So I set about defining my top five passions as:

1. Being the full authentic expression of myself; and helping others discover their own unique authentic expression
2. Being with my children in their full authentic connection and being a space in which they can express their authentic selves and respect others’ uniqueness
3. Recognising the body as a litmus test of how close or how far to that authentic expression I am  and the patterns, illness and disease that show up within it when I’m not
4. Creating structures in society that thrive on and enhance people being their full authentic expressions of themselves
5. The inherent connection I have to all of life, and the idea of thriving on that and enhancing others and things because of that connection

It is where I can apply my talents to these passions I’ll feel most “me” and get the most joy from whatever I’m striving towards in life.

What about you, is it time to cherish and treat your life – or aspects of your life - as more of a career than a job? Where do your natural talents lie? And what are you truly passionate about? Identifying these could be the key to a more fulfilling life.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy What Value Are You Adding to the Currencies in Your Life?, How Living Your Passions Fully Combats Feeling Lonely, Profit, Purpose and Personal Fulfillment Can Thrive Together - A Remarkable New Organisational Construct, What is the purpose of YOUR life? And Value Your Uniqueness. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

I was listening to Melissa Bernstein, cofounder of Melissa and Doug toys, being interviewed this week and she said something about friendships that I thought was really profound. Now in her late fifties, she said she hadn’t really enjoyed any close friendships (outside of her marriage) until the last few years, and the main reason for that is it was only recently she allowed herself to be vulnerable enough to cultivate relationships outside her family.

That struck me as a really great definition of the close friendships I cultivate, the ones that thrive and endure are the ones in which I feel I can be my true self – which has really been my most vulnerable self. The parts of me that I’ve been taught may not be accepted if I presence them in the world, for fear I might look weak or selfish or other traits which may be frowned upon and not accepted.

Growing up there are generally parts of us that we hide away, out of survival instinct, in order to fit into the family unit and societal norms around us. Growing up in the west of Scotland, sectarianism was rife for example. In recent years, differences have become more pronounced with the rise of social media and global environment and climate challenges, the COVID19 pandemic, power and governance issues and emerging technologies. Opinions seem to have become more polarized and certain values or beliefs unwise to express unless they align with the mainstream narrative.

But what I am talking about, aside of my opinions on such matters, are things like whether and how I might express my emotions. Was it safe to express anger, fear, hope, happiness, or sadness at all? Never mind in the various shades and forms these emotions come in. In a recent novel I read, set back in the height of coal mining era, I was reminded how entire communities adopted deferential attitudes about what could be achieved and what they could become.

It reminds me of the “crabs in a bucket” mentality. A crab placed alone in a bucket will easily climb out and escape, but when you place it in the bucket with a few other crabs, this interesting phenomenon occurs: One at a time, as the crabs try to escape, other crabs will pull them back down to their misery and the group's collective demise.

Wherever I picked up my inner narratives, after years of practicing mindfulness, I’m now very aware of the voices in my head that act just like those crabs to collectively keep me constrained.  I have all sorts of voices about my limitations, what expectations there are on me, what might happen if I should presence my beliefs, desires, opinions etc in the world. Conversely I’ve also become acutely aware of what those beliefs, needs, desires and so on actually are.

And, more than that, over the last number of years I have started to be open about those with friends I could trust being vulnerable with. Like the fictional novel I read of the young lad from an old coal mining town destined to repeat his family’s role in the small community he didn’t feel he belonged to, he started to slowly find kin. People of like mind and heart, oddities like him, supported him and believed in him to become who he wanted to be.

For my own part there were many years when I’d keep attracting people, who were more like those who had contributed to my earlier narratives, in a subconscious bid to try to get them change their mind; to approve of me, support me. And the pain of that rejection felt so familiar I tricked myself for a long time into believing that is how it is supposed to be.

Now I am surrounded by a carefully curated group of people in my life who tick the boxes on Sasha Tozzi’s list of Choose people who:

• Choose you
• Ask how you are
• See you
• Let you be you
• Feel good to your nervous system
• You can breathe easily around
• You don’t need to perform for
• Are good for your mental health
• Want to see you win
• Don’t try to control you

The level of vulnerability – meaning the parts of authentic me that I express – with people depends on whether there are seated at my V.I.P table or have the potential to be. That also applies to where I invest my time and energy, because I know whatever I give the majority of my attention to will be my greatest contribution in life, good or bad.

As I embark on a new romantic relationship in my life, this also brings with it all the characters that feature prominently in my partner’s life. It’s been a good check in on my own growth and boundaries as I meet new people and assess how compatible I am with them and where to invest my energy according to Sasha’s little check list. Although intentional, I can’t express how grateful I am to have met someone who is also mindful of their own healthy boundaries and who cultivates relationships in a similar way.

Ultimately it comes down to whether I spend time with people who drain my energy or boost my energy. At worst I want to spend time with those where there is a neutral net effect, where the energy flow back and forth is pretty equal. At best, I love those times and people with whom my energy gets amplified and expanded due to a mutually positive focus.

Those who constantly drain my energy I either no longer engage with or – if I have to – I have some very strong boundaries around how and when we interact. As time goes on this gets easier and easier to manage as I’m supported by more and more people who are more “me”.

What about you? Are the people you surround yourself with more aligned with old narratives or the more authentic you? Are you able to be vulnerable with them and feel positively supported? Who boosts or drains your energy? Are you being helped or hindered in living your best life?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy I Am Enough, Are the People You Surround Yourself With a Match to What You Want From Life? Is It Time to Really Embrace, Enjoy and Embody Your Sexual Truth? Choose Kindness and  How to Deal With Not Being Liked – Those People Who Do Not Treat You Well. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

Let’s get the quick quip out the way; I’m not talking about loading up on the processed carbs until I have to unbutton my jeans just to get comfortable…I’m talking about coming into the fullness of who we are.

A friend commented that she can’t really remember a time when she felt in her fullness or even fully in her body. Fullness is defined as the state of being complete or whole, but if I use those terms I can’t help but wonder if that points to some deficiency, and I’m making myself feel wrong for simply being the best me I know how to be right now.

The idea that there are many parts to our psyche has roots in various schools of thought from Gestalt Theory and Internal Family Systems through to Jungian archetypal work. In her Completion Process, Teal Swan refers to the parts of us that we have denied, suppressed or disowned. The work is about identifying and reclaiming those parts, integrating them along with all our other parts.

For example, as a child there was a part of me that liked to sing, but I was told none of our family has good voices so we don’t sing. The part of me that likes to sing sat in the shadows for a very long time, not confident in airing my voice unless it was hidden among a larger crowd or in moments of solitude where no one else was around to hear.

Now in my fifties I realise that, while I may not be able to belt out a tune the way Aretha Franklin or Freddie Mercury could, my voice isn’t terrible. So now I make the effort to sing a few lyrics in front of others now and again when I’m being asked how a tune goes or I just have a particular song stuck in my head.

But there are many parts to my psyche that can present a more or less confident persona to the world, certainly there were many messages growing up (received through the family and society) about how I should behave. Therefore it’s those parts of me that I have denied, suppressed or disowned that I want to reclaim in order to embody the fullness of who I am.

Tony Robbins talks in terms of questioning which part of us is in the driving seat of our life, at any one time, and learning how to put the most resourceful parts there. I like this idea because there are certainly times when I will default into my less confident small child mode rather than the adult me who knows I can overcome and give things a go.

What I'm really passionate about is helping people live their most authentic life. I believe the more integrated the parts of our psyche are, the more aligned our outer and inner worlds are, and the better this world becomes to contribute to and live in. So rediscovering and reintegrating all the parts of me that were in some way quashed or ignored has become an ongoing commitment.

I guess for this reason I was attracted to a new group Briana MacWilliam set up recently which I took to be about love and ambition and presencing more of the feminine parts of our psyche in the world. This intrigues me as, having had a successful career in the corporate world and then having switched tracks to focus on bringing up my children, now my kids are growing up I want to be of service to the wider world.

That said, I have zero desire to return to the patriarchal corporate world and want to bring in more of the authentic and feminine energy I’ve been learning to cultivate within me. Although I’ve been coaching, learned a tremendous amount about developmental trauma, and published my personal reflections and lessons over the last eight years, I’ve yet to receive clarity on what the way forward is in my life from here.

This was another frustration my friend and I have in common, we both have much more clarity on what we don’t want, but as to what we do want, this has yet to become clear. And the trick in the meantime is to focus on things that are nourishing and fulfilling which distract us from the blank we are drawing on our way forward into the next phase of our careers and life.

But one thing I have come to trust over the years is that there is little point in investing energy and time into things that haven’t arisen from a point of clarity or inspiration. Any time in my life when I try to force things, I might achieve whatever I’m trying to do, but it doesn’t leave me feeling like I’m fulfilled.

Which really is where this meandering thought began, to step into the fullness of oneself has a lot to do with feeling fulfilled, and actually one is the precursor to the other. When I am presencing my true needs, talents and desires in the world, I am much more likely to feel fulfilled than when I’m sacrificing or disregarding them.

And so I have concluded that in order for me to step into the fullness of who I am, it means focusing on and embracing those aspects of my life that feel fully me while remaining open to clues about those aspects that don’t yet feel in alignment.

Where in your life do you feel fulfilled? And which aspects of you feel in alignment with your true needs, desires, talents and gifts?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy  Overwhelm? Worry? Lack of Confidence? Parts Work and Its Importance to Your Growth, Heal Your Past Hurts To Help You Fulfill Your Potential, Take Back Your Power - Only One Thing Need Change for You to Feel Good, Life Really Does Support Your Deepest Desires (And How to Access Its Support) and  Should We Abandon Happiness as the Impossible Dream? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

Hypernovelty is a term I was reading about this week in relation to the profound changes in our modern era brought about by technological progress, such as artificial intelligence, automation, and the increasing interconnectedness of societies through digital networks, which have ushered in a new era of rapid information exchange, transforming how we live, work, and interact.

In an article from Teal Swan, she was suggesting that – like many things - there are benefits we reap from this and there are also consequences we will face as a result of doing this. The example she gives is of the Internet facilitating the expansion of human consciousness in remarkable ways, rejoicing in the many gifts that it has given to the human race.

“Let the Internet enrich your life, do not let the Internet become a way to escape your life”

Her plea is that we not forget that we have come here to live our physical lives and let our direct experiences be the platform for what we ultimately become. Our attention matters, so she is reminding us to give our attention to the things that make our life better.

This reminded me of a quote I heard many years ago that resonated so much I wrote it in the front of my journal at the time “whatever you give the majority of your attention to will be your greatest contribution”.

It’s not just my own attention that I am aware of, but where my kids are placing their attention too. I’ve noticed there is a huge gap between where childhood imaginative games are prevalent, and the era where young adults are able to move around and interact out in the world more independently, that many fill with technology.

Up until the age of maybe nine, my kids regularly liked to turn our house into some fantastical world, the more people involved the better. My eldest daughter reminded me the other day of “the circus” performance she and many of her classmates put together one school holidays down in our local reserve.

About six or seven other parents and I were involved in transporting our kids there, providing a shared morning tea and generally being an enthusiastic audience for the various “acts” our kids had concocted and practiced with very little costume assistance and a huge dose of imagination. There were acrobats, clowns, gazelles, an elephant and a tiger.

But now, as they enter that time beyond childhood and not yet in adulthood, it’s more usual to see them lost in their devices, playing games remotely with friends or watching funny or useful video clips by the dozen. When I turn to the past and look back on my own childhood, I realise that things were not that different in some ways. It was an age where I’d sit in my room, or a friend’s room and chat, listen to music, read books or go and hang out at the local shopping mall.

What is different is the sheer amount of “entertainment” and content available to us all digitally. I agree with Teal, it is so easy to plug our consciousness into this alternative reality. To her point, the brain is so amazed by this influx of information that it can:

• forget to receive and interpret signals of hunger and thirst (my eldest child often forgets to eat) and
  
• fall in love with hypernovelty so quickly that people will prioritize social media and digital content and forgo one to one offline interhuman connection (my kids are often “too tired” to go out and “just want to relax” on their devices).
  

And I’ll be honest, I’m tired also. After years of being the lone manager and cheerleader of the tidy up squad following the grand adventures the kids would have, that seemed to involve the contents of most of our cupboards, or preparing picnics and organizing catch ups across multiple people and locations, it’s far easier for me to let the kids get their fix of critical thinking, decision making, creativity and social interaction virtually while I try to navigate responsibilities and live life.

Connecting with other adults socially and professionally, trying to move forwards in preparedness for expanding on a life beyond dependent children and a return to more of a career focus, is often easier facilitated digitally also. This now looms on the horizon more prominently than it has in many years, and yet it seems I’m now an entirely different person figuring out how to operate in an entirely different world.

It is easy to become overwhelmed and, in many ways, conducting our lives online to a great extent, without leaving the house, seems very enticing and, dare I say, safer. This can be an illusion I know.

One of my kids got invited to “hang out” with a friend of hers, who has moved to a new school and is meeting up with some of their new school friends on a weekend. Beyond my child’s immediate friend, neither she nor I know that friend’s friends. And they are all tweens wanting to “hang out” with really nowhere to go except their local playground and shopping centre, which is not in our local area. In truth, this is no different to what kids of this age were doing forty years ago when I was a tween.

If I don’t let my child do these kinds of things, taking sensible precautions, how can she learn how to navigate the real world? When I think back, I was “out in the real world” playing with friends on our street way back at the age of three, I was running errands to the local shops way back from the age of five or six, I was walking to and from school, attending activities and participating in clubs all throughout my younger years.

I knew how to cross a road, assess other people, avoid dodgy routes and generally assess risks “out there” from a very young age. In contrast my kids live in a much more insular world which has the illusion of being more scary and bigger perhaps because of this connection through various digital pathways.

There are no easy answers, I find, except when I remember that both the kids and I have an internal connection to something much more relevant – our intuition, our unique personal guidance. Taking time to meditate on a daily basis has helped me hugely in becoming far more consciously aware of my own inner thoughts and desires on any matter.

And taking regular time in nature is another way to quickly recalibrate and find my inner truth and inner peace among the day to day harried nature of life. A walk along the shoreline is a priority in my life at least two or three times a week, along with many other aspects of self care like yoga, swimming and meeting face to face with friends.

When I start to think about my kids growing and worry about technology and find myself thinking “well, now we have the technology I know my children can call me and vice versa if they need to, I also remember they too have an inner guidance system, their own intuition. And that is what I teach by example, remembering I somehow managed to navigate life without having a constant digital tether.

The important things for me to remember in this world of overwhelm and hypernovelty, is that we each have our own access to answers within us. Answers to “what is best for me right now” don’t require a Google search or a check in with Suri. Consciously seeking my own answers is an opportunity for me to find ways to meet my needs and wants that are healthier than meeting them while tuning out and letting algorithms and search engines take over. This is the balance I want my kids to learn really.

Our lives and attention are becoming fast consumed with various forms of digital technology. How can you use this as a way to enrich your life rather than as a way to escape from it? Where and when in your life has overwhelm allowed hypernovelty to take the driving seat? Is it perhaps relevant to take a little time out to tune in a bit more to your inner world, and seek your own unique answers to living your best life?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy  Meditation – the Cornerstone to Your Success, What You Give Your Attention to Is Your Greatest Contribution, The Internal Shift You Need to Help Solve the Social Dilemma, Focus Your Attention, Do You Abandon Yourself in Order to Make Others Happy? and  What Possibilities Can You Get Excited About Right Now in Your Life?  To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

This week is the busiest I’ve had in a while. Normally, when the kids stay with their dad, I take time to catch up with some friends and relish in a bit of solitude. However, this rhythm that has been my life for most of the last year, is like anything, subject to change.

Life moves on. Sometimes it’s something or someone who lands in our world quite unexpectedly; at other times the changes are so subtle that they are upon us before we really notice. But for a while now, I’ve recognised that change is afoot, my temporary resting place cruising down a river whose landscape seemed unchanging has served its purpose, and now the scenery is starting to look quite different.

Part of me wants to cling to a branch and try to retrace my journey back upstream, to the life that had become comfortable. Another part of me – the more expansive part - is happier to go where the flow takes me and is quite comfortable with the possibilities emerging.

And so it is, life’s ebb and flow will continue, I can go with it or resist it. On this occasion, as has been the case on so many others, it’s not just one area of my life that is in transition. In my professional life, nothing has outwardly changed, but on the inside the landscapes, desires, and motivation are becoming clearer all the time.

In my personal life, I’m at the beginning of the journey to intentionally integrate with another over time. With lots of possible future scenarios in mind, it can be tempting to get lost trying to figure out the when and the how, rather than just focusing on the what and trusting that the when and how will
become clearer as we progress along the river of life while enjoying the now.

A dear friend was relating to me how they had envisaged themselves in their current home for the rest of their life. Now there is a possibility for great change and they are trying out future potential scenarios like an array of clothing in a store, checking to see what might fit and what won’t, becoming simultaneously daunted and excited about the opportunities potential change presents.

Also, my eldest child is staring down the barrel at transitioning from earlier school years, where she has been very comfortably in a routine with the same group of kids from kindergarten, out into a much bigger world. There is a default path, which seems daunting to her, but there are also many other possibilities, and it really comes down to what her priorities are.

Sometimes I see only one way ahead in my life when in fact many exist. I might start getting fixed ideas about needing a certain sized house with a particular number, of bedrooms, for example, and then I start to worry about what that might cost in the area we live and whether it is affordable.  Instead of identifying a solution (size of house etc), I’d be much better served holding an intention for something that more generally accommodates the need for everyone to have space to defrag, create, and rest which allows life to continue with ease.

I find when I become fixated on particular scenarios, I become very closed off to anything else. I’ll never forget trying to agree on a schedule with someone who wanted to do something on a Sunday, that I couldn’t accommodate whilst meeting my own needs. We became locked in a no-win situation because we focused on the outcome rather than the problem. It took another person to facilitate and suggest another day of the week that worked for both of us. All along, it wasn’t so much about the specific day for the other individual, it was more about needing an extra day in the schedule, but they hadn’t presenced their needs and I hadn’t asked because I was so fixed on defending my own position.

Time after time, situations have changed, people have arrived in my life - or exited – yet I often experience the grief that arises from our impermanent nature even although time after time I know things have a habit of growing in ways I wouldn’t want to change.

Eckhart Tolle tells the story captured in Edward Fitzgerald's (1852) story Solomon's Seal:

“One day Solomon decided to humble Benaiah Ben Yehoyada, his most trusted minister. He said to him, “Benaiah, there is a certain ring that I want you to bring to me. I wish to wear it for Sukkot which gives you six months to find it.”

“If it exists anywhere on earth, your majesty,” replied Benaiah, “I will find it and bring it to you, but what makes the ring so special?”

“It has magic powers,” answered the king. “If a happy man looks at it, he becomes sad, and if a sad man looks at it, he becomes happy.” Solomon knew that no such ring existed in the world, but he wished to give his minister a little taste of humility.

Spring passed and then summer, and still Benaiah had no idea where he could find the ring. On the night before Sukkot, he decided to take a walk in one of the poorest quarters of Jerusalem. He passed by a merchant who had begun to set out the day’s wares on a shabby carpet.

“Have you by any chance heard of a magic ring that makes the happy wearer forget his joy and the broken-hearted wearer forget his sorrows?” asked Benaiah. He watched the grandfather take a plain gold ring from his carpet and engrave something on it.

When Benaiah read the words on the ring, his face broke out in a wide smile. That night the entire city welcomed in the holiday of Sukkot with great festivity. “Well, my friend,” said Solomon, “have you found what I sent you after?” All the ministers laughed and Solomon himself smiled.

To everyone’s surprise, Benaiah held up a small gold ring and declared, “Here it is, your majesty!” As soon as Solomon read the inscription, the smile vanished from his face.

The jeweler had written three Hebrew letters on the gold band: gimel, zayin, yud, which began the words “Gam zeh ya’avor” — “This too shall pass.” At that moment Solomon realized that all his wisdom and fabulous wealth and tremendous power were but fleeting things, for one day he would be nothing but dust.”

Eckhart also points to the story of the Zen Master whose only response was always "Is that so?" which shows the good that comes through inner non-resistance to events, that is to say, being at one with what happens. There is another story of a man whose comment was invariably a laconic "Maybe" illustrating the wisdom of non-judgment, and the story of the ring points to the fact of impermanence which, when recognized, leads to non-attachment. Non-resistance, non-judgment, and non-attachment are said to be the three aspects of true freedom and enlightened living.

There does great wisdom indeed in embracing impermanence, yet despite its inevitability it is definitely something that is an ongoing practice for me. But I cannot argue that yesterday is gone, tomorrow may never come and so there is only now in its glorious impermanence.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy  Embracing Impermanence to Find Your Happy Future, Give Yourself the Gift of Presence to Relieve the Torture of Stress and Explore, Uncover and Show Your Real Needs and Desires to Be Happy . To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

On my wall I have a reminder that the road to interdependence means that instead of being continually being focused on the wants, needs or problems of others in order to gain approval, feel worthy and/or in control of the outcomes (to avoid dealing with my own emotional pain), I would do well to:

• Respect people for where they are at – nobody needs to be saved
  
• Resist the urge to solve others’ problems and give unsolicited advice, which can rob others of their dignity
  
• Resist the urge to do for others what they can do for themselves, which robs them of the opportunity to take responsibility and grow
  

This also means teaching my kids to look inside themselves for answers and caring for myself so others will respect me (because I’ve respected myself).

Rescuing others has been a way of being most of my life, which was born from a childhood fear of disappointing others, a common pattern apparently.

It’s so tempting when I see or read something that I think would be useful or enlightening for someone I know and love, not to pass it on.

Just this morning I was reading Evette Rose’s book on Metaphysical Anatomy about the emotional causes of a particular autoimmune disorder on behalf of someone I love, who had asked me to do so. As I was reading this paragraph struck me:

“You suppressed your truth and your boundaries, leaving you unable to discern when situations are becoming unhealthy or even abusive. The longer you stay in an abusive environment, the more acceptable it becomes. Your circumstances become normalized and you feel comfortable being uncomfortable”.

It struck me because it’s exactly what I had done myself in previous relationships, although I manifest a different set of symptoms physically than those I was reading about in this case. However, as I read it I also thought immediately of another close friend who is in that kind of environment right now. The urge to share the words I was reading was quite strong.

Then I thought about Glennon Doyle’s advice in Untamed where she talks about those moments when it’s time to “be in” something:

“I stayed in my addictions until I knew. I stayed in my marriage until I knew. I stayed in my religion until I knew. Just like I stayed in my pain and shame until I knew. And now I know…
I will not stay ever again in a room or conversation or relationship or institution that requires me to abandon myself. When my body tells me the truth I’ll believe it, I’ll trust myself….
But for others to my left or my right who must stay, I’ll send them my strength and solidarity and then I will slowly, deliberately and lightly walk away… because it’s that time for them, because they have to know what love and freedom and god are not before they know what they are”.

I know it’s my friend’s time to “be in” his less than ideal situation, it’s his time to stay.

And I also heed Michael Beckwith’s advice when someone asked him if we have a loved one who is “in it” and/or who is ill, and they are resistant to our thoughts about their wellbeing, what should we do? His advice was “All you can do is love them. Until they ask you a question you are trespassing on their paradigm. Just love them in the meantime so they aren’t resistant to you”.

He makes the point that there is always a breakdown before there is a breakthrough, and I have come to see the wisdom in all of this over the years. So for now I send my friend my strength, solidarity and love.

I am grateful for the friends I do have that are on the same conscious journey, it does make it easier to compare notes. Although sometimes we are the antagonist in each others’ stories for that very reason of mutual unwinding of old patterns, which can be pretty dicey in the uncomfortable heated moments of big feelings being expressed.

Recently a close friend and I did just that dance with each other twice in one month, the energy being discharged between us was pretty phenomenal as we were right in the heat of old patterns of feeling unseen, mistrusted, or unheard. Thankfully we were able – with good ongoing conversation – to wade our way through what was going on for each of us.

Truly, it was not my friend’s fault that I was rattled, nor mine for her, our reactions were overreactions in the circumstances, and each of us knew that meant we had triggered some old patterns that ran deep, back in our childhood selves. That is the beauty of the conscious unwinding of old patterns, and it brought us closer together as we each resolved our own inner conflict.

The reminder that the road to interdependence, the most healthy way of being in relationship with others, means that whenever I feel the urge to “help” I have to stop and listen to what is going on for me before taking any action. I don’t always manage it, but I’m getting better at it with practice, and it always reveals something that wants to be seen and understood within me.

Where are you along this path? Do you feel compelled to step in and give advice or help others? Perhaps this article has created that compulsion to share with a particular someone who could do with heeding its lesson. My reaction now would be to look in the mirror and wonder where or why I might be trying to gain approval, feel worthy and/or in control of the outcomes in to avoid dealing with my own unresolved pain - for that is what I think the urge is really all about.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy  Your Childhood Is Not Your Fault but It Will Be Your Limitation, Get Emotionally Healthy - Is It Time to Break the Chain of Pain?, Who Do You Need to Become in Order to Realise Your Dreams?, Does Your Heart Long to Be Accepted for Being Just You? and The Inevitable Pain of Returning to Love After Years of Abandoning Yourself. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Here in New Zealand, as in many places throughout the world, it’s Mother’s Day. As I receive good wishes and gifts from my own children, and see and hear the delights of such from other friends who are also mothers, along with a beautiful appreciation of my role as a mother from a burgeoning relationship, I have felt called to also contemplate the deeper meaning of the term mother.

The mother that resides within and for all of us.

The mother consciousness, as defined by author Sarah Durham Wilson, says “you are perfect exactly the way you are. Every breath you take is a gift to the world. There is nothing you could do to make me stop loving you. I will always be here. I will pick you up when you fall down. Go after every dream. I’m right here, I love you.”

She talks about the archetypal journey from maiden to mother, which I think men can also relate to through their own childhood and inner child. Her journey work starts with meditating with that young child, the little girl (or boy) inside who has been waiting to be mothered for a very long time.

Sarah makes the point that patriarchalised mothers don’t have the energy and the fortitude to be the primordial femme. The patriarchy just bleeds into everything and becomes programming “this life is hard… don’t even try…stay small, you’ll be protected…” and then there is that look “that makes you feel you’ll never be good enough, she will never approve of me”.

Therefore, in seeking to connect with the primordial mother energy, my first job was to sit in meditation with the maiden, the little girl inside who had been waiting to be mothered. And I started the practice of hearing her, heading into the underworld and making reparations. And then, as Sarah says so sublimely, “you start to forgive and release, to alchemise maiden pain into mother wisdom. The pain becomes the medicine”.

It truly does. My childhood may not have been perfect, but my relationship with my mother was everything I needed in order to grow into the person I’ve become today, I wouldn’t change a thing. As I reflect back on my female lineage, mum may often have led with the sharp side of her sword, but it ultimately helped define my edges as I journeyed through life.

She also taught me the value of being present in sickness, of drawing on my own reserves, of trusting my own judgment and of allowing others to be who they are. Her mother, my gran, taught me the value in being alone, of not needing to furnish anyone with an explanation for what my own needs and desires are, to simply live them. And my dad’s mum – though long gone – is with me always and immortalized in her gentle energy that remains with me and her wise saying “what’s for you won’t go by you”.

Mothering my inner child has helped integrate a great deal of unhelpful patterns and behaviours, which had been helpful as a child but had become outdated and no longer served me, with the parts of myself that I had suppressed, denied and disowned over the years. I can’t say the journey is at an end, for that will come with my last breath, but I’m in a much healthier place than I have ever been.

In terms of the journey from Sarah Durham Wilson’s perspective, she says that once we have mastered alchemizing our pain into medicine, then we meet the cherishing mother – the opposite of the patriarchal consciousness:

“We have to practice going inward and meeting the cherishing mother until it becomes closer and closer to how we talk to ourselves and how we talk to others. The work is to see ourselves through the great mother’s eyes, which is to see ourselves with an incredible amount of love”.

Being a mother who vowed when my children were born that they would be allowed to become simply who they are – while respecting others for who they are – I’ve had a lot of practice at feeling into the cherishing mother when I am interacting with them. However, intention and reality are not always the same and so sometimes I fail at this, but I never lose sight of the aim.

And in many respects that is becoming much easier now that I am easier on myself, now that I am connecting to myself more and more through the cherishing mother.

From Sarah’s perspective, this is when we move into mother work. “We learn to build an inner model of the mother we needed when we were little, and the woman our world needs us to be now”. The last step is then to bring that energy to the surface, to the world.

As I sat down to write this today, I thought about where I am in life right now. I am an active mother of beautiful children, and of my inner child. The act of mothering the three of us is time consuming and important, especially for them as they move through their adolescent years and into their teens. It is the most important focus in my life at this point.

But I am also moving closer to bringing that energy out into the world. Contemplating what to write this morning, I felt called to another mother, Mother Nature, in order to feel into the thread that wanted unraveled in this contemplation. And in seeking direction from that calm, gentle lapping of the waves on the shore as I walked along the beach, I found what I wanted on this special mothering Sunday.

“Mothering” says Sarah, “in the way of the great mother caring for us as her children. Like a deep nurturing, a deep protection, a deep unconditional love”.

I hope that you will take the time to mother yourself, to sit down with your wounds and to love them through this mothering energy. It is time for us to bring kindness, compassion and love right back to the heart of where it is needed, beating inside our chests and radiating out into the world.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy  Should We Abandon Happiness as the Impossible Dream?, How Does Who You Say I Love You to Heal the World?, The Quiet Whisperings of Truth That Inspire Our Life, The People Who Hurt Us Are Vehicles for Our Growth and Be the Change You Want to See. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Image by StockSnap from Pixabay

I know this sounds like an easy question, but as someone who has often accepted far less from relationships of every kind than I should have in my life, I can honestly say it’s actually a very strange sensation to develop healthy relationships at first. It doesn’t feel right, and can even feel a bit like a red flag.

As it’s our subconscious mind that is in charge of our instant biochemical attraction to people, this means we become attracted to those who fit its definition of what feels right. The subconscious is largely driven by what it felt like to be at home (in childhood) and be around our siblings and parents growing up.

Given that most of us experienced conditional love we might then subconsciously form beliefs such as: relationships hurt, they are a roller-coaster, or that it’s a chase. Or we might be conditioned to expect let down, or have low standards for how people show up for us in our lives.

For quite some time I have been studying and scrutinizing relationships of all kinds, both personal and professional. The aim has been to really get better at having more healthy relationships, rather than giving away too much of myself or pulling back and not participating.

I have learned a whole lot about my own needs, values, desires, priorities, and how to have healthy boundaries with others. Recently a lot of my learning has been through personal relationships, but the lessons are equally applicable to the professional relationships I have now, those and in the past and those I will have in the future.

I read a quote from coach and therapist Briana MacWilliam, who teaches Attachment in Adult Relationships which, while she is talking predominantly about romantic partnerships, I think captures the essence of the difference between what is unhealthy and what is healthy in all types of relationships. She says:

“A soulmate relationship is powerful and important, and primarily intended for soul growth. They may be passionate and fiery, and have a sense of urgency about them. Thus, there is an antagonistic quality to them. 

Ascended partnerships, however, while still passionate, are less antagonistic. There is no sense of urgency, rather a feeling of coming home (to yourself). Of course, there is still soulful expansion, but the curriculum changes. You come together as partners to experience your relationships as an inspiration for purposeful work.”
Healthy relationships can feel strange at first precisely because they lack the unhealthy components of relationships that serve only to perpetuate feelings of lack and antagonism.

In a friendship I am forging at the moment, it has utterly lacked the qualities that many prior relationships have. For me those have been about things like: needing to win the other person over by ticking their boxes, not presencing my needs, coming on too strongly, convincing them of my right to have my own opinions (and that those are worthy) and the sense of challenge in proving all of that as well as not being too self important to relate to anyone. All those have the hallmark of taking a square peg and making it work in a round hole. So when I realised that, in this case, the hole was square, it all seemed too easy.

This is precisely the same conversation I had with one of my kids earlier in the week when they asked whether I thought they were “high maintenance”. After an exploratory conversation around this, I discovered that what was being pointed to in this instance was their quirky sense of humour and deep thinking nature. By the end of our conversation, my daughter had reframed “high maintenance” as “incompatible with certain people” especially those who like more conventional and surface type interactions.

It sounds so simple, to seek relationships where we have a lot in common with people, or our strengths and talents are welcomed and compatible, and yet I realise in retrospect that I have been chasing the subconscious challenge of being accepted for who I am among people who are simply as incompatible as those I grew up around.

Amid this sense of “all too easy” ease in the building of my newest friendships, I am consciously aware that my lack of usual angst is a good thing, and have stuck with it. The reward for doing so is beautifully burgeoning relationships that feel in the realms of “together we can be/do/learn more” in a healthy and satisfying way. Certainly my nervous system appreciates the difference and that opens up the channels for creativity and growth as never before. It feels like the brakes are off.

So how many of your relationships feel like a good fit for you? And in which are you striving to presence yourself and become accepted for who you really are? Is it time to seek relationships where you have a lot in common with people, or your strengths and talents are welcomed and compatible, so that you can accelerate your growth and expansion in life?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy  Are You Ready for More Healthy Relationships? How Would It Feel to Have More Ease, Joy and Flow in Your Life? Learning the Fundamentals of More Healthy and Balanced Relationships, How to Surrender to the More Loving Inner Self and What Do You Want From Your Relationships - Time to Take an Inventory? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

For those of us who tend to worry about what others think, whether we will or have upset someone, whether the work we have done is or was or will be good enough, whether we are, in fact, good enough in ourselves – whether we are worthy, deserving beings of others’ time, attention or admiration – perhaps it is time to turn the tables and ask ourselves that question: is this (person/situation) good enough for me?

Lost in another captivating Tracey Rees novel this week, I read those words as one character challenged another to ask herself that question in every moment of a date she was going on. The challenge dropped into my psyche the way just the right lens does when the optometrist is doing a refraction test and suddenly everything on the board in front of me becomes very clear.

An old acquaintance read one of my musings this week and encouraged me to keep following my heart. They believe that by doing so, this makes the world a better place, as do I. It reminded me of one of the dimensions of compatibility that Briana MacWilliam talks about on her courses – having unconditional regard for another person.

She defines this as having appreciation for someone because you believe in who they are, regardless of what they give you. And you believe that in simply being who they are, they contribute to the good of humankind and you like being around their energy.

I can honestly say that this is a quality I look for and attract in most friendships, yet, I’ve allowed its absence in many of my romantic relationships. As I’ve mentioned a few times recently, it’s our subconscious mind that is in charge of our instant biochemical attraction to someone.

As it is much more primal and in charge of our emotions, this allows us to become attracted to people who fit its definition of love, which is largely driven by what it felt like to be at home (in childhood) and be around our siblings and parents growing up.

Most of us experienced conditional love that has painful associations that then lie at the root of problems in our love relationships.  We might subconsciously form the belief that love hurts, that it’s a roller-coaster, or that it’s a chase. Or we might be conditioned to expect let down, or have low standards for how people show up for us in our lives. 

I always felt growing up that life is far more relative than the absolute rights and wrongs I was taught. And that those rules were shaping me into someone that was not entirely me, and pressing parts of me into an oblivion that I have slowly started to uncover and unravel as life has taught me some harsh lessons.

Often in romantic relationships I’ve perhaps unsurprisingly attracted people who also wanted me to fit their shape of what was right for them and – perhaps because I was used to doing it – that is what I often did. I still catch myself doing it at times and then I rebel in all sorts of covert ways, maybe in being overly analytical, psychoanalyzing people and situations in order to understand and cope with them.

Not so long ago I found myself apologizing to a friend who, in other circumstances, may have been more of a romantic relationship. But I had found myself psychoanalyzing their situation uninvited and it was creating resentment. The truth was I was probably doing it because I had become resentful of the energy imbalance in the relationship; I was overinvested and insecure, giving too much, and trying to rationalise out the imbalance.

In other words, I was not receiving what I needed from the relationship so I was feeling that I was not good enough and doubling down my efforts to be more, do more, give more. All this instead of presencing my needs, taking the reaction to that as information about whether and how to proceed with the relationship, and recognizing that it was not good enough for me in the form it had taken.

Old habits die hard, but when I read that question and asked whether this relationship was good enough for me, I realised straight away that it is not, and the many ways in which I’d given away my own boundaries in a repeat of the times previously when I’d unconsciously followed the same pattern.

This isn’t about assigning absolute levels of worthiness to individual beings, it’s about wherever they are/the situation is in relation to my priories and needs. We are all different and inherently worthy, it’s simply about finding a match rather than trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.

I have to say, relationships are both an art and science, and they can’t be forced. It would be like forcing a flower to open, destroying its beauty in the process.

Yes it is hard to walk away from something that is a part match, because those parts that are compatible and do feel good are alluring for a time. But as Glennon Doyle says, once we imagine more for ourselves there is no going back; to stay is to become bitter and sick and live in quiet desperation.

This is as applicable in romantic relationships as it is in a career, or any close friendship or relationship. If I haven’t been clear about what my needs are, that is down to me to presence them, but understanding that it is no one’s duty to meet them, that is their choice.

I am now committed to a path where, if I’ve presented my needs, and that situation or person cannot or will not meet them, then it is up to me to reposition that relationship accordingly (for example, a potential mate may become a friend or an acquaintance, a potential career may become a short consulting assignment etc) or walk away.

So ask yourself, if you worry about what others think, whether you will or have upset someone, whether the work you have done is or was or will be good enough, whether you are, in fact, good enough in yourself, what covert ways do you go about getting your needs met? And how does this usually work out for you? Perhaps it is time to turn the tables and ask yourself that question: is this (person/situation) good enough for me?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy  I Am Enough, Trust That It’s Absolutely Okay to Not Know Where You’re Going, How Do You Know When You Are the Best and Highest Version of Yourself?, Which Dimensions of Compatibility Are Most Important to You?  and How to Appreciate Our Differences Enough to Admire and Want to Embrace Them. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

“Having clear boundaries means that we are in touch with the healthy, loving part of ourselves to know what does and does not work for our higher good, and to choose accordingly.” ~Michael Mirdad

Over the last few years I’ve been doing a lot of work around boundaries, identifying my own needs, wants and desires and learning the skills of communicating and holding them in a healthy way. However, it wasn’t until my boundaries around sex were a bit challenged that I realised I had been unquestioningly operating from a paradigm of “sex belongs in a committed relationship” for as long as I can remember.

This paradigm had not resulted in good experiences or entirely healthy or fulfilling relationships. I twisted my priorities, compromised in ways that are not for my higher good across many of my needs and beliefs, shamed myself and tried to shape those significant others in fruitless attempts to fit “the whole of me” into this version of life.

Even if there was great sexual chemistry and intimacy, there was always other dimensions of me packed away painfully unable to fully express themselves, if at all, within the confines of those “committed relationships”. But there were also times when I found myself compatible with people in other areas and entered into a full romantic relationship with them, even although there really was no chemistry.

This was not a paradigm that allowed for free expression. It was constricting, there was always over-compromise and incompatibility.

I was brought up to believe that love was a feeling, one “you will just know when you feel it”. It turns out that “feeling” of attraction is a biochemical response, based on the neurobiology being wired through the years our childhood where our home life and relationships with our siblings and parents becomes our subconscious definition of love. For most of us this love was conditional.

This was reinforced in movies and TV, this mythical feeling seemed to have people do all sorts of major life changing things for love. So giving away parts of myself, not having all my needs met, wasn’t even a conscious concern, my biochemical reactions were running the show. That didn’t mean I didn’t feel the pain of having parts of myself locked away, it just meant I was used to that feeling, it felt normal.

Now I know the best relationships are the ones which are built on compatibility, and there are so many dimensions to that. It's far more than just whether you're friends and have chemistry, which is how I would have defined a good relationship up until the last few years.

Compatibility is multi dimensional, and there are a few models out there that attempt to define the various dimensions. But really we get to decide what is important and to what degree. These are things like values and beliefs, sexual chemistry, emotional intimacy, humour, interests, future goals, spirituality, affection, financial beliefs, how well you both contribute to the day to day routines and necessary functions of the home, how safe your nervous system/body feels around the other person, and even appreciating someone because you believe in who they are, regardless of what they give you, you like being around their energy.

I’m an ideas person, I have big ideas about the ways in which our world will evolve, and yet in very few of my relationships have I experienced people who “get me” in that way. Most often I was disregarded for my talents and capacity for ideas and steered more towards what I could bring to the table practically. I didn’t presence myself in that way, I was used to it, it was normal in my childhood home and the society I was brought up among. And that is just one way in which I’ve over-compromised.

In her first novel Amy Snow, set in the early Victorian era of high society England, Tracey Rees captures beautifully the kind of attitudes that perpetuated female oppression that were still evident in my own childhood; and still exist in many places in the world today.

The novel centres around Amy Snow, named for the bank of snow she was abandoned on as a baby. Amy was found by eight-year-old Aurelia Vennaway, the only heir of Lord and Lady Vennaway. It is through Aurelia’s stubborn wanting that Amy is allowed to remain in their home, brought up by the servants and despised by the masters. Aurelia, however, treats her as a little sister; she is Amy’s only advocate and becomes the light of her life and centre of her existence.

When Aurelia dies of illness in her twenties, the now seventeen-year-old Amy must leave her so called home and go on a journey of discovery to seek her own identity and place in the world. Aurelia has left her a trail to follow that exposes Amy to more people, places, ideas and ideals, giving her choices beyond her upbringing. It is through this journey that there are so many parallels with any of us who are making our way in the world – whether for the first time or starting over…again.

This paragraph, expressed by Aurelia’s mother – Lady Vennaway - captures something of the attitudes I was brought up regarding sex:

“She had loved every moment with him she told me. More than anything she had loved their coupling – in the hay loft behind the dairy! She felt her soul flood with light, so she said. I stopped her there, I would listen to no more. I had extensive experience of these things after all, and her suggestion that it could be enjoyable was obscene. Profane!”

But the young heiress had found her own way in these matters, despite not marrying due to her illness, and advises Amy posthumously through letters of a love affair she had:

“I pray for you that you might experience what I felt, when you are ready and the time is right. It was as soft and silky as the twilight and as luminous as the stars. It felt as though the whole world was ordering itself around me. I felt I were drinking him in through my fingers, palms, lips…absorbing every inch to store in my memory. There was a fever to it, Amy, that was greater than I could have imagined. It felt ancient. It felt sacred. I am still marveling, years later, at the wonder of it and that it is so forbidden.”

As Amy starts out on her journey she meets two very different men, one she falls in love with, the other she is rather duped by in a way that “offends her sensibilities”. Again, I could relate to this from the kind of men I was warned about growing up:

“Thinking of Quentin Garland’s shameless usage of me makes my skin crawl. I feel so horribly stupid when I remember all the moments that my instincts told me the truth and I barely noticed, so bedazzled was I by the elegant figure he cut. I felt honoured and validated by his attentions when I was in low spirits, when I felt like an outcast, yet it was all mixed up in a sense that something wasn’t right. My instincts whispered to me but my insecurities made me deaf to them….By what right did he decide that my life, my heart, my future might be employed to serve his interests! Despicable regard for humanity!”

One of the people Amy has met on her journey is the indomitable and rather formidable elderly Mrs  Riversthorpe. She sets Amy straight:

“Pfff, sensibilities! Amy, you were born into disgrace and have been treated as such most of your life… You’re a young woman travelling alone in a society that reviles independence in a woman, you invite censure and misunderstanding! You can’t afford sensibilities!

I was young when I was seduced by a scoundrel who abandoned me.. A similar thing had happened a few years earlier to another young lady of my acquaintance. She killed herself for the shame of it…Clearly I made a different choice, anyone who would rather be dead than disgraced s a fool…

That was sixty five years ago. They have not all been easy years, they have not all been pretty, and they were filled with trials, but they were my years – all mine – and no one can tell me I should not have had them.

I have been talked about, you may believe it. Many of the stories are true, and many are not. That is the way of it when you step outside the cage. But I will not deign to correct a single one of them. So here you are, you find me not respectable but powerful, which is a different thing altogether.”

I suspect we all need a Mrs Riversthorpe in our lives to set our priorities straight. Now that I have weeded out this limiting belief that was taught to me but actually doesn't belong to me, that sex has to be part of a committed relationship, I am on a different track. I have a different view of it.

After a long, hard look I’ve discovered that my own truth is as long as I feel like I can delight in someone - and vice versa - with reverence, then that is what matters most. There has to be attraction, desire and respect. 

I am sad that I allowed the oppression that “sex only belongs in a committed relationship” brought, instead of allowing myself full and free expression. But I am wiser now, softer, more relaxed and in myself.

This part of me says I need not commit myself to a relationship if it were to mean giving away other parts of myself, I am free to express those also, I just need to sit people at my table accordingly. The other part was an illusion, a constriction of society’s making, a mother trying to do the right thing protecting her daughter’s virtue.

But I was never flighty of nature, I was always as deep as the ocean, there was never any real need to protect. Instead it created alarm, stagnation, held me back. I know pleasure and I know pain, I am now free to choose the former where there is attraction, desire and reverence. There is sanctity and healing to be found here in the empowerment and full expression of oneself in the embodied form.

There has been grief that it has taken me so long to learn this, but also gratitude that I finally have. If I can borrow from Tracey Rees for one final quote as Amy comes to the journey’s end that Aurelia set out for her, and she burns her letters to ensure her secrets remain so:

“My own chronicles too I set alight, the pages that I have covered with heartache and memories… they flare and flourish and suddenly they are gone. I say farewell to that whole part of my life. I shed my misfortunes in the fire, they do not define me. And in this way I claim another blank canvas on which to paint my identity – and my future.”

What I have come to believe is that sex is sacred, it is ancient, empowering, healing and should be treated as such. But the only relationship I need to be committed to is the one with myself. What is your relationship with your sexuality? And is it one that limits you or does it set you free?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy  Should We Abandon Happiness as the Impossible Dream? Do You Need to Change Your Narrative Around Sexuality? Relationships are Just a Series of Moments – True Love Lies Within and How Do You Know When You Are the Best and Highest Version of Yourself? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I have spent many years of my career doing what others saw as useful in me, rather than what I wanted to do myself. The problem was I never really knew what I wanted to do, so I would just get pulled from pillar to post doing what others thought I would be good at.

Now this isn’t necessarily a bad strategy, it certainly helped me discern what I don’t want, but it only narrows the field to a point where there are still more possibilities than I could ever explore. Now with the benefit of experience and hindsight I can see that what is most important, is knowing who I am and presencing that in the world, following any intuitive nudges I get about which direction to take next.

I always envied those people who knew what they wanted from early on. Right back to the days of seeing a career counselor at school, to choose which subjects to study, there were people who knew what they wanted and didn’t want.

That said, there was also a standard list of careers that got presented, as if life consisted only of these limited choices. The realms of teaching, engineering, railways, banking, office work and human resources were my heritage, and – in those days – technology was in its burgeoning stages as a brand new study option in higher education for those who felt called to computer programming.

None of it really inspired me, which is why I ended up with a bit of a “pick and mix” degree in science – which consisted of a range of topics from psychology (which I loved) to mathematics (which I hated and failed miserably at several times) to business studies (which I aced). To be fair I think I really only went to university because the infamous Margaret Thatcher’s government was funding higher education and it seemed easier to carry on than leave.

However, after a postgraduate diploma in human resource management (or personnel management as it was called back then), I finally entered the workforce proper. Along the way I had had many part time and casual jobs to fund my social life while I studied, and most of those were face to face customer service type roles in various industries.

But when I presented myself to recruitment agencies in the hope of finding something to get started, they saw my qualifications in human resources and wanted me in recruitment. Despite it having a heavy sales component, which I hated, I ended up working for three different firms in that industry before finally getting on track with something more me.

That period in my life was coupled with a huge amount of self driven personal development. I read my way through so many books of the era, which were really driven by the “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t – you’re right”  (Henry Ford) approach, which emphasizes how much attitude determines success or failure. It also emphasizes having a goal (and thus assuming knowing what one wants to do) – which I didn’t.

I then landed a customer complaints management role and found that, while I was well equipped for the day to day practicalities from the various jobs I’d had through university, what I was really drawn to was driving change and transformation from the feedback that was received from customers. I ended up doing this on various projects on behalf of the owning group of the company I started in, and in industry bodies.

Along the way it became obvious that the people component of change is where my real talents and enthusiasm lay. I was involved in a number of large transformation programs across different organisations and industries, until eventually I became disillusioned by the constant changing tides of company ownership and shareholder focus, along with school playground type antics in the management structures that most often led to any meaningful change never really getting off the ground.

This came simultaneously with the intense years of birthing and parenting small children, which began the next huge phase of personal growth in my life. I realised that when up against the grain, it wasn’t enough to simply have a good attitude. Conscious awareness of thoughts, goals and such forth seemed very distant when in a place of chronic stress. What came to the fore were constantly self sabotaging patterns and so began the years of study on what causes those and how to overcome them.

This has been a deep dive into psychology, consciousness, trauma, relationships and human potential at a deeper level than ever before. And as my children are getting more independent I have been asking “what now?” Really I have felt no surer in some ways than I did sitting outside the career counsellor’s office when I was thirteen years old.

Of course, that is not entirely true. The journey evidenced by these weekly musings for the last eight years points to a thorough examination of life and how I show up in all my aspects. It’s compass has been pointed in the direction of revealing authentic desire versus conditioned responses. I take in information from the world around me like a sponge and use it like a game of warmer-colder where one person gives the other players directions to an object in temperature words depending on how close to the object they are.

I resonate strongly with Ross Caligiuri’s words “If you feel like you don’t fit into the world you inherited it is because you were born to help create a new one”. I resonated with Briana McWilliam’s words about how much I value talking about ideas versus issues of the mundane, and I resonate with so many aspects of the main character, who is a writer, in the latest Tracey Rees novel I’m reading.

Not that I see myself writing anything so Goliath as a book at this point, but to be able to explore and ponder ideas, yes, and in writing, yes, that is me certainly. And I start to wonder, do I need a name for what I want to do at this stage? Perhaps it’s only something I will see so clearly in the rear view mirror?

Like my degree at university, I like doing a bit of a pick and mix in life. I like learning new things about myself, the world and the way we all interact. I like pondering ideas and applying the thoughts in new ways, to new things. I love helping people and I adore the ways in which we can evolve and transform and how nothing seems to change day to day, but look back a year or two or twenty and the whole world has tilted on its axis.

I doubt a single moment has been wasted on this meandering journey of mine, each step leads to another, and sometimes there’s a sidestep, but it all adds up of that I am sure. It’s all useful and in the service of whatever I’m doing at the time.

I’m at the beginning of life’s most fun and productive years, those between fifty and eighty where a lot of the years of striving are behind me. The soil has been created, planted, harvested and dug over afresh. The question is what shall grow now?

I feel far more at peace now in my life not knowing where I’m going, yet surer of who I am and having the faith to trust that if I follow what feels right for me, I’m on the right path. That is the part that was missing all those years ago as I meandered, it was a journey of getting to know myself.

So what about you? Do you know yourself well enough to presence those parts of you in the world that you wish to put to use, rather than be swayed by someone else’s plans for you? How comfortable are you in following the serendipities and things that feel right? Can you trust that it’s absolutely okay to not know where you’re going?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Do You Want to Make a Heartfelt Change to Your Career?, How Do You Know When You Are the Best and Highest Version of Yourself?, Who Do You Need to Become in Order to Realise Your Dreams?  and What Possibilities Can You Get Excited About Right Now in Your Life? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I’ve been having some beautiful conversations this week on compatibility in relationships and some major insights into my own drivers and patterns that have – until now – led me towards some very incompatible partners.

As I talked about in How to Make Home a Happy Place Where You Are Loved, Supported and Encouraged, it’s our subconscious mind that is in charge of our instant biochemical attraction to someone. As it is much more primal and in charge of our emotions, this allows us to become attracted to someone who fits its definition of love, which is largely driven by what it felt like to be at home (in childhood) and be around our siblings and parents growing up.

Most of us experienced conditional love that has painful associations which cause the problems in our love relationships.  We might subconsciously form the belief that love hurts, that it’s a roller-coaster, that it’s a chase. Or we might be conditioned to expect let down, or have low standards for how people show up for us in our lives. 

Not appreciating any of this as I ventured into womanhood, my only guidance to the question “How do I know if I'm in love?" was that it is a feeling "you will just know". This was reinforced in movies and TV, and this mythical feeling seemed to have people do all sorts of major life changing things for love. So giving away parts of myself, not having all my needs met, wasn’t even a conscious concern, my biochemical reactions were running the show.

As I gained more experience in the mirror of my relationships, I started to define successful love relationships as having two components: chemistry and friendship. Even then, I ended up committing to relationships that really only ever had one of those at best.

I was pondering the definition of a good friend a little yesterday, and concluded that friendship is as subjective as chemistry, and dependant on our personal experiences and priorities. It can also be very multidimensional – like I may have certain fun friends, others to ponder my ideas and deep thoughts with, others to engage in certain activities with and so forth.

Last year when I was doing a course on Attachment Theory with Briana MacWilliam, she talked about the different dimensions of relationship compatibility. We looked at values and beliefs, as well as things like sexual chemistry, emotional intimacy, humour, interests, future goals and spirituality. Other dimensions were introduced that I hadn’t thought about before:

• Unconditional Regard – appreciation for someone because you believe in who they are, regardless of what they give you. And you believe that by being who they are they contribute to the good of humankind, and you like being around their energy
  
• Domesticity – how well you both contribute to the day to day routines and necessary functions of the home. Affection – the importance of physical affection, outside of sexual intercourse or behaviours
• Intellectualism – how much you like talking about ideas versus issues of the mundane
• Generosity – a willingness to be generous in the relationship and towards each other without feeling depleted, manipulated or taken advantage of
• Cultural influences – the impact of culture and tradition (and potentially intersecting systems of oppression) on you and your partner

And I added in a few of my own around financial beliefs, maturity (the degree to which we each take responsibility for our own reactions and behaviours, lean into any conflict and are willing to grow personally) and the degree to which my body/nervous system feels safe.

This gives me a much clearer picture, and also plays into that pondering about the definition of a good friend and the concept about where people sit at my table. It really all comes down to compatibility. And if I was going to live in the same house and share a life with another person again I'd want that compatibility to be high.

By the same token, there's nothing wrong with incompatibility if it's your soul's calling to growth, but I will attest it is often a painful way to grow. After 50 years of incompatibilities I'm grateful for the resultant lessons, but personally I’m happy to try out something more compatible now.

There are different ideas on dimensions of compatibility used in various approaches and captured in different studies, it’s worth doing a search to have a look through and see which resonate most with you if the ones mentioned here aren’t capturing your needs.

While Briana’s purpose was to make me think about what aspects in a relationship are most important to me, it is not a blueprint for a partner so much as an aide to look at the different dimensions of a current/possible partnership and get very clear on where I may automatically be giving parts of myself away instead of making conscious, thought out choices.

As mentioned, Giving away parts of myself is a concept I am familiar with in love partnerships. I had never thought of any of it in a logical way, it was just a case of following the feeling. The consequences, as Robin Norwood opens with in her 1985 book Women Who Love too Much:

• When being in love means being in pain
  
• When most of our conversations with intimate friends are about him, his problems, his thoughts, his feelings – and nearly all our sentences start with “he…”
  
• When we excuse his moodiness, bad temper, indifference, put-downs or problems due to an unhappy childhood and we try to become his therapist
  
• When we read a self help book and underline all the passages we think would help him
  
• When we don’t like his basic characteristics, values and behaviours but we put up with them thinking that if we are attractive and loving enough he will want to change for us
  
• When our relationship jeopordises our emotional wellbeing and perhaps even our physical health and safety
  

All these are things I have experienced and all are signs of giving too much, because what I am giving away is parts of myself, my own wants, needs and desires. When I looked at Briana's compatibility dimensions, and added a few of my own, and the degree to which each is important, it soon became clear just how much I'd been compromising myself in so many areas.

Especially when I look at things such as how much I enjoy talking about ideas versus issues of the mundane, and appreciating someone because you believe in who they are regardless of what they give you. Being an ideas person myself, while it's not so important to me to match with another ideas person, it is important that they hold my ideas in high regard.

And yet in very few of my relationships have I experienced people who “get me” in that way. Most often I would find I was disregarded for my talents and capacity for ideas and steered more towards what I could bring to the table practically. This is a reflection also of my childhood experiences.

That then got me thinking about what it might be like to be with someone with big ideas of their own, maybe a humanitarian type, or ecologist, someone with ideas and ideals about something bigger than themselves. I'd certainly love to be around more thinkers, movers and shakers who want to change the world.

I can see now that being led by that biochemistry in the past (which arises from our subconscious childhood wiring) thinking that's "love" and therefore make everything else work, really suppressed so many parts of me. Something I’m no longer willing to do.

So what about you, which relationships are regularly causing you to feel constricted and unhappy? What parts of yourself are you unconsciously giving away? And is it time to look more closely at the various different dimensions of compatibility and how important they are to you?  

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How to Let Go of Your Attachment to Your Feelings, Expectations and Beliefs, What Resentment, Frustration and Pain Have to Do With Your Boundaries, Draw Solitude Around You Like a Warm Blanket - Get To Know Yourself and What Do You Want From Your Relationships - Time to Take an Inventory? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I was drawn by a simple exercise this week, when asked “What did it feel like to be at home (in childhood) and what did it feel like to be around your siblings and parents growing up?” The output of this is our subconscious definition of love, of what feels normal for “home”.

In her article on Why Relationships Hurt, Teal Swan says “If you really think about it, I bet you could come up with a description of what your perfect relationship would feel like. The relationship you consciously want would be unconditionally loving and supportive, intimate and fun. But no matter what you do, you can’t find that relationship. It’s like you are cursed. You keep ending up with partners who make you feel, unloved, unsupported, undervalued, unseen and stressed”.

She makes the point that it’s our subconscious mind, the one that is in charge of our instant biochemical attraction to someone, which is much more primal and in charge of our emotions, which only allows us to become attracted to someone who fits its definition of love. “For many of us” she says “home was a mix of good feelings and bad feelings, but it’s the painful associations that we have with home that cause the problems in our love relationships”. 

I have had a plaque up on my bookcase for a few years that says “Home is our haven, a happy place where we are supported and encouraged, a place where we are loved and can love” so I always knew what my perfect relationship would look like. But certainly going through Teal’s exercise and then looking back at the past and present relationships where there was/is emotional attachment, specifically the negative qualities, the truth of Teal’s premise quickly revealed itself.

She says that becoming aware of our emotional drives is the first step towards becoming vigilant about the partners we choose, and it clears up the confusion we feel in our current relationships by allowing us to see the dynamics for what they are. The more awareness we have about something, the easier it is to make changes according to that expanded awareness.

Recently I have been mentally and emotionally tussling over a close friend who really struggles to express their feelings about anything or anyone, they are what could be termed emotionally unavailable.

It is unusual for me to have friends like this, more often my friend space is the one in which I’ve always taken my emotions to be untangled and brought into awareness, especially close friends. However, this friendship involves some of that biochemical attraction and thus has the potential to be rather entangled.

As I have learned more about healthy boundaries these last few years, one of the key things that sticks with me from Terri Cole’s teachings is her concept of the VIP (very important people) area at your metaphorical table. It’s about placing people “at your table” according to the levels of trust, intimacy and attention they have earned.

Now that was a new concept to me. Family members and those people I had developed love relationships with (based on our biochemical attraction) were historically granted automatic access to the VIP area without any thought to earning trust or healthy boundaries whatsoever.

So it has been an interesting experience to review all my past and present close relationships through a lens of more conscious awareness of the painful associations I have with “home” that cause the problems in my love life.

Specifically a pattern that creates a familiar ache to me is that of attracting emotionally unavailable people. This involves me on a quest to get that person to trust and love me enough that they feel safe to express their true feelings. And then, rather contradictorily, I want those people to see and nurture the real me rather than continue to treat me as a well they drain in order to fill themselves up.

Another friend of mine, who also has a history of over giving in relationships and then left feeling, unseen, undervalued and disrespected, was also likening our love relationships to wells that we try to fill with our love and knowing so that ultimately we can finally see the reflection of our self in those waters i.e. that we are seeking validation through giving to others.

Whereas, being attracted to those wells because of their potential rather than the reality is like sitting on the edges, shouting down encouraging instructions towards the switches that will surely fill their wells, but they simply just flap around in the bottom like a fish out of water, and we pour our love in anyway.

In our conscious knowing my friend and I agree this is unrealistic, unfair and unnecessary because, when we need no one to fill our cup, we stop going to the well. There is no need for someone to do x so I can feel y. That's the point we say "this isn't a compatible match" and move on rather than trying to keep flogging the same looking for a different response.

My friend and I, deep thinkers as we are, also took this into the arena of the degree to which someone is self contained versus dependant on others. But we agreed that, in general terms, the human experience is designed for interdependence, we see ourselves relationally through others and are wired for connection and security in those relationships for our survival.

Her view is that healthy may look something more like “Unless I can see that your well is full and plentiful, I ask nothing of you, because I realise how unfair of me it is to show up in all of my ability to know, and expect you to reach the same knowing as me, so that I can drink from your well”. We both also agree it’s important therefore to fill our own wells rather than expecting someone else to.

For me this has been a journey of self awareness and self respect. Using my knowing to fill up my own well with commitment to self care (which translates in my life as things like regular meditation, swims, beach walks, yoga, reading and so forth) and self respect (which has been about increasing self awareness, committing to self growth, defining and learning to hold boundaries, and learning to pick and choose where – and if – people sit at my table). 

Consciously moving people to different positions at my table has been a process of deciding how much of my personal thoughts and feelings I share with them, how often I interact with them and in what ways, and – in some cases – stopping any interaction at all. This hasn’t and isn’t always an easy process, but it is necessary and empowering, it is what strengthens my new found self respect and self love which – ultimately – attracts more of the kinds of people I consciously want in my life and the home I wish to create.

So who is sitting in the VIP area in your life right now? Are they people who are draining your well and causing you pain? Or are they the kind of people who enhance your feeling of wellness, who amplify all the best parts of you and your experience? And what can you do today to start shifting towards that more positive dynamic?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy When Life Sends You Love Go Follow Your Destiny, You Deserve Kindness, Should We Abandon Happiness as the Impossible Dream? What or Who Reminds You of How Good it Feels to Feel Good? and Surrender to Your Inner Self.  To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I have been reading Florence Grace by author Tracey Rees, a saga set in the Victorian era. Someone who endorsed it said “the whole book feels so very wise, as if it contains half the answers to life”, I concur, it really did feel like that. I find the truths of life get reflected in many ways, and relish it when they turn up in stories.

Life can present us with all sorts of challenges, certainly my own has been full of ups and downs and yet I wouldn’t change any of it. In this story, when Florrie’s Cornish grandmother dies leaving her an orphan, she is taken in by the other side of her family she never knew and leaves the hardworking Cornish life she has grown up with to be reshaped as a lady into London society.

Although only a young teenager, she and her tempestuous cousin Turlington are immediately drawn to one another. Over the years they grow ever closer as she matures but, as cousins, their grandfather forbids any relationship. And so begins a secret affair until their grandfather dies with unexpected consequences, upon which Turlingon spirals back into drink, darkness and disappearing; as has been his pattern when he hits upon life’s challenges. Florence reflects:

Suddenly I remembered a sunlit morning years ago, waiting impatiently for Old Rilla to come home so I could tell her of meeting (the brothers) Sanderson and Turlington at the dance in Truro and ask her what it all meant.

“When life wants you to take a step forward, she had said, when it wants you to learn something, it sends you love...

Love is a strange and mystical force. It leads you down avenues you would never otherwise tread. It is always – always – about so much more than the coming together of two people. If we want a life we listen”.

Well I was learning and the lessons were hard, I remembered something else she said “It is not for the faint hearted. Love is no storybook emotion. It is like the sea. It is the most beautiful thing there is but it also has the potential to destroy everything. It takes lives, changes lives, beguiles us and lures us and disappoints us. It breaks hearts. It can send you mad. To think love and marriage are the same thing is like thinking the sea and a bucket of water are the same”.

As she has some space and reflects on their relationship she comes to understand how she loses herself around Turlington. Theirs was no harmonious union that would enrich them both, it was more of a compelling force that seemed to want to consume until they could do nothing but implode.

Throughout the book, Florence has flashes of insight about people and their character as she meets them, much as I do. And, at times, she meets people that she instantly recognises as kindred spirits, as do I. Eventually she comes to her knowing and decides to return to her life in Cornwall, she tells Old Rilla:

When I first saw Turlington again in London my soul whispered to me then, Kindred, it said. And something about that word – I was not even sure what it meant then – made me trust him. I thought my heart was safe with him.

“What else did it say, was it only kindred?” asked Old Rilla.

“No, it said kindred then it said broken and lonely. Oh.”

Old Rilla waved her hand as if dispersing midges. “The beginning, middle and end of it, all there in those three words. How could you ever be safe with someone broken and lonely? Yet how could you ever have avoided what happened since he was kindred?”

I was young, I agreed, I had no wisdom.

She shook her head ”Even then, there is no wisdom can protect you from the people you were sent here to love, nor the lessons you were meant to learn. Not every love story has a happy ending. It makes it no less a love story for all that. The next time Kindred comes knocking at your door – and it will – you will have no say in the matter”.

I frowned, promising myself I would never let myself believe that feeling of destiny again. In fact, if I ever felt t again, I would run as far away as possible.

As time goes on Florence reconciles herself and, in her heart, wishes Turlington well from afar as she pursues a new life back in Cornwall on her own terms.

In my own life I have also been drawn to relationships that felt kindred, and this led me to question my intuition. When the lessons life wanted me to learn were about my own unhelpful tendencies and patterns of behaviour (hyper attunement to others, anxious attachment, codependency etc) there was a time when I lost my trust in my own judgment, including my intuition. 

But as I look back, the other words that came up as first impressions of the kindred people I was drawn to, were words like “trouble”, “misunderstood”, “cool/distant”, “uncompromising” and “self centred”. I can see how all of these were ultimately helpful in my stepping forwards and learning things like self respect, self care, self love, healthy boundaries and how to self regulate.

Over time I have rebuilt a better faith in my judgment and I now trust my intuition again. Yes there were times I stayed in the story longer than needs be, but I wouldn’t change any of it for the lessons I learned and the gifts I have, my children included.

It did make me smile when, in the postscript of the novel (set a few years later), kindred does indeed come knocking again:

A stranger comes to call “Do I not need any help?” he wonders.

I do not. There is work to be done certainly, but there are three of us living here already to do it. However, the stranger is beautiful. I hesitate. I look into his eyes and see constellations there, my head swims a little. I am taken by an unaccountable longing to put my arms around him; somehow I know what it would feel to hold him.

A gentle man. Warm. Kindred.

I know this feeling. I know instinct is one thing, reality another. I know nothing about him – whether he is married, whether he drinks, if he has a hidden temper. I should thank him, decline and offer some food for his journey. Instead, I follow my heart. It’s the only way to live a life. “Would you like to come in?” I ask.

That was a beautiful way to end the story, a valuable reminder that when life sends you love, if you want to live a life, trust it and follow your destiny.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Step in the Direction of Your Destiny, How to Live in Conscious Self Awareness in the World, Embrace Compassion Over Combat to Step Into Your True Power, Are You Willing to Take Your Sovereignty While Allowing Other People Theirs? and Looking Back to See the Clues to Your Destiny.  To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Image by Oleg Gamulinskii from Pixabay

Talking with a friend of mine this week, they made a comment about what a useless mess they used to be, perhaps still are. I asked “Whose voice is that that tells you that you were/are a useless mess?”

They replied “No one”.

I persisted “When does it remind you of? From your youngest years did anyone ever say anything like that?”

Straight away they recalled a teacher who did. She had only lasted a term at their school but said my then seven year old friend’s cutting was abysmal and their story was preposterous and could never happen. 

Interesting isn't it, I find the voices in our head that are less than loving are never our own, their roots are usually in that first seven years. Buying into them then was a matter of survival, yet they shape our sense of self for years

My friend had never spared that teacher one thought until now, and yet she had shaped a narrative that had run unconsciously throughout their life. 

Reflecting my friend said “Actually she was like that with everyone, obviously a very unhappy lady. When you work out someone is like that with everyone you can step back”.

While that is true of an adult brain that can rationalise, my friend at age seven could not, therein lies the rub. When we start to wire these beliefs in our heads, we are too young for rational thought, there is no stepping back, and so we begin to buy into things that aren't true about ourselves.

This then attracts more "evidence" to match those beliefs. My friend had a list of bosses and partners that had echoed those words over the years. When someone tells them how useless they are, that's their current day version of the teacher. It's no truer now than it was then. But it feels like it could be true because it's so deeply embedded in there. Herein lays the very roots of psychology.

It's only as we get older we might become conscious of these things, my friend can clearly see it has been a convenient way of others controlling them, yet that old voice persists at times. Which is a perfect examples of how there are at least two parts of us, often conflicting, operating simultaneously.

I pointed out to my friend, who had gone on in detail to tell me why those bosses were wrong “Look at all those perfect points of evidence you can find for not being useless. Yet there is still the voice that says I'm useless which is where we began this conversation, with you thinking you were a useless mess in your early teens, throughout life and perhaps even now”.

Let me give you an example of my own. I made a conscious decision back in 2016 not to rush back into any kind of work outside the home after I finished a consulting job. I knew I just needed to be home and present in mind for the kids and if I worked elsewhere it would compromise that.

When I went through a separation, I again made the conscious decision to use some of the capital from the house sale to live on so I could continue to be there for the kids and then gradually, over a number of years, start taking on more work. I also knew – and still do - I just needed the space and time to be kind to myself and start to feel in control of my life.

Despite all that there is a constant and persistent voice in my head that says I should be out there getting work, I need to be earning more income and so forth, that sometimes gets reflected in questions from others about my plans. Then there's that more peaceful, loving inner knowing that says "It's all good, everything is perfectly on track, be gentle and keep following your intuition, what's for you won't go by you".

The words should and need are big clues that this is old patterns. There's nothing I feel inspired towards other than what I'm doing, but I have the productivity bug well wired in there. As it's a constant in my head and I keep pushing it away, I decided to tune and really listen to it.

When I gave it the floor in a meditative state, I noticed the voice is very persistent. It’s worried, irrational, pacing, scared I'm going to run out of money and not be able to feed myself or the children. It even used words like "Are you a woose?"  These are the voices of my early childhood.

Now I know from both study and experience that voice isn't going away, it's hard wired in there, thinking it's keeping me "safe". Which is was in my childhood, I knew what needed to be done to stop the grownups getting at me. There's no overriding it, "the work" of growing is to become aware of it, befriend it, thank it for trying to keep me safe, and repurpose it. It's a process that takes time and persistence, but it can be done.

There's dozens of parts of us like that we are largely unaware of except through bad feelings when we are down on ourselves. Yet it's the essence of who we show up as and what's running the show. And hence my friend had attracted boss after boss or partner that thinks they are useless, because there's a big part of them thought that might actually be true contrary to all the evidence.

When I coach people, I know it's useless helping them define goals and visions for their life unless they're willing to become the person of their visions. People have to feel like they are “enough” (and not useless, for example) to pull those things off, that is the growth challenge. Unless we do the work to befriend that part of us we think isn't enough and consciously work on reframing that, we are less likely to realise our dreams. 

It’s so critical to me helping myself and helping others, I certainly would not take on a client who couldn't understand this concept and be accountable for working with those saboteur parts of themselves. But as a friend, that is a whole other challenge, to see the potential in people, to sometimes even be privy to the saboteur parts of them, and yet to embrace them and love them as they are.

As I mentioned previously, Briana MacWilliam makes an excellent point that unrealized potential can be as much of a soul purpose as realized potential can. For someone as committed to the growth path as I am, that in itself is a growth challenge for me personally to accept in those I love.

I was listening to an interview this week with author Bruce Tift about his new book Already Free: Buddhism Meets Psychotherapy on the Road to Liberation. It was an interesting and helpful reminder of the freedom that is already inherent in our existence.

He says that by focusing always on the present (in which there are no problems from the more Fruitional Buddhist view) we ignore the patterns of unhelpful thoughts or behaviours that can only be revealed through taking a more Developmental view of our experience over linear time. And, to the contrary, by looking at this idea that we aren’t whole or can’t be present or free until we have dealt with all these patterns is equally unhelpful because in any one moment we have the ability to be fully present and loving and loving and whole.

So in that sense, it’s for me helpful to be switching between these two perspectives in ways that enhance the experience wherever I am or whomever I am with. Because while it is true that my friend has this unhelpful narrative, it is for my friend to whether this is something they would like to work with or not.

Meanwhile, my friend is still the same person I adored before we talked about this narrative, I just understand them a bit better now and it adds to the complex picture of our frailties, strengths and humanity.

So where in your life have you noticed some of these unhelpful narratives? Is it time to give these parts of you the floor and really listen so you can reshape the narrative into something more helpful, or are you happy as you are?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Do You Really Know the Different Parts of You? How to Live in Conscious Self Awareness in the World, How to Surrender to the More Loving Inner Self, Life Really Does Support Your Deepest Desires (And How to Access Its Support) and Should We Abandon Happiness as the Impossible Dream?  To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Someone asked me this week what it really means to surrender to one’s inner self and how to do it - and since the divinity within them is the same within me - how to know what their divinity is. Interesting and deep questions.

I did respond that those answers are inside them, but I can share my own experience and interpretation.

For me it’s been about learning to recognise the learned unhealthy reactions and insecurities I have versus my true inner voice. My thoughts of that learned inner voice, sometimes called the inner critic, can feel frenetic, rigid, obsessive, sharp etc. Whereas my true inner voice, my eternal self, my divinity if you will, is calm, peaceful and loving.

As I was sharing that I thought about the voice in my head that keeps telling me I should be building my business more, straight away it made me smile as I thought about how obviously it’s my inner critic. Perhaps I have some work to do to get that part of me on board with taking my time, going at my own pace and acting on inspiration, which is what the quieter, calmer, more loving voice is guiding me towards.

When I identify voices like this, I ask “where in my childhood do I recognise that voice from?” and thus begins the process of self awareness, usually some reframing and – depending on how persistent the voice is – a need for more inner somatic work that helps rewire my nervous system’s response to a need for safety.

The question about our divinity started with a supposition that the divinity within them is the same within me. My personal belief is that this is not the case. For sure I believe we are all part of one thing, interconnected. However, I belief that each person, each animal, each tangible and intangible thing here on Earth and in our universe, is its own unique expression of that thing.

That is why I would point people back to themselves for answers. Sure take inspiration from others, absorb what resonates within you (in the sense of it resonates with your calm and loving inner voice rather than the inner critic). But be discerning because each of us – from our innate gifts and talents, to our experiences – are all different and unique.

Sometimes we are so wrapped up in that inner critic, so identified with it, we just can’t see the wood from the trees. I have a dear friend like this who is kind and gentle; giving by nature, but constantly gives away so much of themselves that they perhaps then gets taken advantage of and it makes them ill. They believe it must be no more than they deserve, that maybe they are just not meant to be happy.

I can identify with this from my own experiences of the past, but it’s just not true, our life experience is determined by the ways in which we choose to view it. I know that first hand. Time and again we hear from those who, in the extremes of life, chose to be survivors rather than victims as they share with us their personal experiences and thoughts.

I’ve been going back through some of my own personal development journals and files of late, synthesizing what I’ve learned so I can crystallise what’s relevant into a teachable format, particularly around boundaries and communication.

I came across an exercise from three years ago where I had to list how I know my boundaries are being overstepped in a relationship, and then I had to prioritize them. At the time I was able to look at the relationship I was in and articulate the ways in which I felt my boundaries were being overstepped, for example, when my personal beliefs and priorities were under attack.

It was refreshing to read through the list knowing that none of these things are now true in my life, and neither would I now subscribe to any relationship that so compromised my own boundaries. I’m now clear on where my boundaries are, and equipped to be able to hold them in equal regard to others. I know when it’s worthwhile working through differences, and I know when it’s time to walk away.

I understand how I became susceptible to such an enormous suppression and compromise of my true self because I learned to hear and to differentiate the voices in my head. How did I learn this? I learned to tune in. Firstly through meditation, just observing my thoughts and letting them go. The more I observed and let go, the more I was able to observe in an increasingly detached way at will.

Then as Eckhart Tolle says “Who then was this me observing?”, I made space for my eternal self to become more known, to hear the whispers of my soul and get glimpses of that divine spark within that knows why I chose to come here and what I wanted from this life.

It’s not been an easy journey and in many ways I’d say that listening to my inner voice is not yet second nature, I’m still at the ‘consciously reframing and reacting differently’ stage in many aspects of my life. But for the first time in a long time – in ever perhaps – I feel like I can fully breathe in life and what it has to offer in ways that are unique to me.

Where the inner critic screams “more more, faster faster, do do”, my calmer, loving, more peaceful voice says “There is no hurry; all is well, everything is as it should be”.

Truly, far from the teachings of my youth, I have learned the true meaning of the word faith for myself. I have every faith that what’s for me won’t go by me, and if I miss it the first time because I’m so trapped in my inner critic’s voice, it will come back around again, and again, and again.

Surrender is no more than a choice, the choice in any given moment about which voice we are choosing to pay heed to.

So where does this resonate with your inner voice? Is it the loving voice or the inner critic? And in what ways can you start to lift your life’s experience by surrendering to that more loving, calm and peaceful part of you?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy What to Do if You Feel Trapped By Your Circumstances, Surrender to Your Inner Self, Meditation – the Cornerstone to Your Success, What Possibilities Can You Get Excited About Right Now in Your Life? and Are You Ready for More Healthy Relationships?

Sometimes I feel like an absolute mess. That I’ve learned nothing, that I know nothing, that I have nothing. Other times I feel like I’ve got it all together. That I am surrounded by so many good friends, that I am so blessed to have my children and to know love in my life, and that I have so much to offer and am lucky to live in such a beautiful place.

Probably I cycle round all these feelings, and so many more, many times in every day. If I’m really honest the first set of thoughts and feelings might often take centre stage, but not as much as they used to, and that’s progress.

Life can be hard sometimes, and I am a master at making it harder for myself because of what goes on in my head. It’s not my fault, many of these thoughts took root and were reinforced long before I was ever capable of rationalising, but it is my responsibility.

One of my friends said how she was feeling lonely and empty in a moment of reflection, circumstances in her life altered slightly, I could relate to lonely. Less so these days maybe, though I still feel it at certain times in each day, it’s less so than in the past, so I’m winning, I’m self abandoning less.

This is life. We all want to feel good; it motivates most of our actions, arguably all of them, but sometimes we do things that make an aspect of us that is outdated, and unhealthy, feel good. There are parts of me that want to keep me safe, and they arise from wonderful intentions and usually beat the very old, well worn tracks of reactions learned long, long ago.

For example, the kids’ school might ask for me to consider doing something differently than I’ve already indicated, and my first inner reaction is anger “You are not going to tell me what to do”, I might be triggered a 7/8 out of 10.

Giving thanks to my inner security guard, I self regulate then smile inwardly and challenge myself more calmly “The decision is still yours, but what if they have a point? You are a grown woman now, you have no need to defend yourself, just treat their request as new information. Is this new information helpful? Does it change the decision?”

One of my close friends might make a comment that I receive as a threat to our relationship, I maybe feel a sucker punch to my solar plexus, or an ache in my heart, or my throat closing up. So I sit with it until my eyes adjust to the darkness I’ve descended into. I wait. Is this a real threat or is this old insecurities, old associations?

I question my adequacy many times in every hour, am I good enough? In reality I’m an over compensator, I’ve probably got advanced qualifications in terms of skills and experience in whatever I’m feeling inadequate about.

Life isn’t always kind, it’s not always easy, and human systems (of education, of government, of health, of economy) tend act in ways that lead us to believe we have less power than we realise, so that fuels my anger and inadequacy in almost equal proportions. Until I step back, disengage from any resistance and simply turn in a different direction, to what I can control - me, my inner dialogue, my world view.

Becoming consciously aware of that has been the single most rewarding thing |I’ve done in my life. Except it is no one thing, it’s a practice, and ongoing discipline of being curious, of challenging, of unravelling, of learning new ways to operate and, with that, to feel.

I don’t imagine life will ever be peachy all the time, that doesn’t seem what life here on Earth is all about. I realised early on that if I never had bad experiences I’d never appreciate the good stuff. But I just don’t need to get so stuck in unhelpful patterns.

“Joy is a constant” I hear Mathew McConaughey say to in a motivational speech, he differentiates it from happiness. Yes, I think so, joy is always there in each moment we tune in to feel it.

Even in the heat or the heart of a troubling moment, like I had this week as I was confronted with a rather defensive and nasty response to a question I’d asked someone. I sat with it, and I found joy in recognising this old pattern, these old dynamics belonging to someone else.

I felt joy in the freedom from this dynamic and recognised that my ability to choose a different response was right there at the turn of a dial. In my head, a vision of the noise of this old pattern just getting tuned out, like changing a TV station when we used to tune them through the aerial on our roof, and right there on the next channel was carefree joy.

It didn’t happen overnight. I didn’t just decide to change channels and – poof – magically there was joy in my life. I had to learn the skills of tuning in and out, I had to learn many things, including recognising and building confidence in who I am and what I need and that I am deserving.

Or I could just have continued to go through life pleasing others and not myself, but that was killing me, literally. Slowly, chronically, my health was getting worse, my mental state was not good and emotionally I was shut down on many levels. Now I’m living, feeling more, communicating more with myself.

I can tell you that does many things, but among them is increasing my self respect, and my self worth. Among them is feeling better about life many more times in each day.

Choose to feel better about your life. Learn to tune in and to re-tune where needed. Trust me, life is just better.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Ask No One to Be Different So That You Can Feel Good, What or Who Reminds You of How Good it Feels to Feel Good? Take Back Your Power - Only One Thing Need Change for You to Feel Good and How to Feel Good (Despite Your Kids, Employees or Coworkers). To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Image by mbulalwanga81 from Pixabay

Listening to Lynn Twist talk to Tammi Simon this week, she said that the more she herself suffered the more her perspective shifted from helping people to serving people. As a recovering people pleaser and fixer, I can relate to this. Her view is that helping suggests the other is weak, fixing conveys they are powerless whereas serving acknowledges they are whole.

Then I was listening to Katherine Woodward Thomas talk about a pivotal moment in her life when she was sharing her intention for a major change in her life and her friend said “I’m going to hold that intention with you and for you if you give me permission to hold you accountable for being who you need to be in order for that to happen”.

Now, many years on and having achieved and surpassed that original intention, when she wants something she takes the time to envisage it in her five senses, to see how it feels, tastes, smells, sounds and looks in her body, and if it feels right she asks “How will I need to grow in order to receive this? What or who will I need to let go of? And what is my next step?”

While she is a proponent of who we are becoming rather than what we are healing, preferring to focus on the future rather than the past, she fully recognises that “A critical part of what we need in order to achieve different outcomes is to look at who we are being. What beliefs do we hold? What is our world view? That is where we get stunted if we don’t know the consciousness we are speaking from”.

One of the things Katherine is well known for is her book and teachings about Conscious Uncoupling. She says “Your next coupling will reflect how well you uncoupled from your last partner, how you’ve learned, expanded or grown – or not”. That can of course be applied to career roles, other roles we hold such as parents, community members as well as friends and partnerships.

A few years before my last relationship ended I chose to become more aware of the patterns that had repeated again and again in my life across different areas and the consciousness I was speaking from. Katherine’s joint publication with Claire Zammit on the unhelpful patterns at play in my psyche continues to be one of the most useful resources in my work.

But that also opened up a sense of grief, for who I had been, fully identified with the fake self that was created though early relational wounding, which is another way of saying many of these patterns emanate unconsciously from early childhood.

A Buddist monk once told Lynn Twist that “Grieving is medicine for the attachment, when the grieving is done all that is left is love”.  I think this applies to all grieving, be it someone we love who dies, a relationship that has ended, or the person we used to be.

Underneath all this though there is a “me” that is absolute and unchanging. It’s not the me I identified with most of my life, but it’s the me who inwardly reflects back whether I am at peace or out of sorts.

Caverly Morgan, whose practice included 8 years of training in a silent Zen monastery, challenges us to recognise who we are in the timeless sense. One of the best exercises she found to demonstrate and feel into this unchanging part of ourselves, is to get into a meditative state and then bring to mind who we were at age 5, how that felt, and then once we have a good sense of that do the same in 5 year increments. Then look for the common “me” at all those ages.

I’ll confess the first time I did this I kept tapping into “anxious me”. However, Dr Laura Berman talks about “finding your home frequency” by first grounding ourselves and then thinking of a time in our life when you felt pure, unadulterated, all-is-right-with-the-world joy. Go into that scene as if it’s happening right now and you are experiencing it firsthand (not watching it happen) and notice what the sensations in your body are. If I do that exercise in the 5 year increments I get a profound sense of the timeless me.

Uncovering my authentic self is an ongoing journey, sorting through many of those unhealthy patterns, figuring out what my own needs, wants and values are, learning the skills and capacities to hold boundaries and communicate those, and recognizing and handing insecurity in myself and others with compassion.

And, as Katherine Woodward-Thomas says “We don’t become ourselves by ourselves. We all need support to become ourselves fully. We all need health in our relational field, people who are holding us and uplifting us and can help us to realise the higher purpose of our soul’s calling”.

But that is also another lesson, recognizing that I am choosing that for myself. In the past I would often be attracted to people for their potential, and hang onto some of those golden moments of glimpsing it in relationships early on, and then get disappointed when they didn’t realise their potential. Briana MacWilliam makes an excellent point that unrealized potential can be as much of a soul purpose as realized potential can.

Thus it’s been an important lesson to me to serve only those who are not only asking, but in ways that support the degree to which they are willing to become who they need to become in order to realise their desires.

And that is also part of the grief process for me, letting go of my attachment to other people’s potential and loving both myself and them for who we are right now, in this very moment. Because it’s from here that I am not resisting myself, and I can embrace the journey to becoming who I need to be to realise my desires.

So who is the you that is showing up right now? Do you love that you? And who is it that you need to become in order to achieve your desires in life? How will you need to grow in order to receive this? What or who will you need to let go of? And what is your next step?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Life of Your Dreams? How Would Life Be Different if You Believed in Yourself? Be Purposeful in Your Focus - Your Glass Is Actually Still Half Full, Dreams May Be Free but They Are Also Essential to Progress and Make the Invisible Visible - Celebrate the Gold in Your Emotional Reactions. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I was reading my course notes on healing attachment wounds this week and marveling at the ways my attachment to certain feelings, expectations and beliefs shows up in my life through relationships.

While I learned about attachment theory at university many years ago, I’ve enjoyed this deep dive into understanding the neurological wiring and physiological responses the survival part of our brain drives depending on whether closeness or distance feels safer to us.

As Briana MacWilliams explains, this wiring is determined by the extent to which the parenting we received was supportive and loving versus critical and demeaning and many of us grow up with insecure attachment styles. That said, our wiring is malleable and will change if we meet the growth challenges. In other words, I can feel more secure by:

• understanding attachment wounds more
  
• recognising when I’m triggered
  
• learning to differentiate between what is reasonable and unreasonable
  
• developing better communication skills
  
• and meeting my own needs while also respecting those of others.
  

Attachment styles can be thought of in the sense of whether we behave in ways that are highly avoidant or highly anxious, with those who are low in both avoidance and anxiety being considered more secure in themselves. There are many ways and layers with which to define this, but broadly those with:

• anxious attachment tend to struggle with feelings of unworthiness, respond to a familiar type of emotional unavailability in partners, are terrified of abandonment, will do anything to preserve the relationship and tend to get stuck on potential and wind up settling for “the best they could hope for”. When they feel threatened they try to control the situation. In other words, this type will avoid anxiety by searching for temporary relief through an outside source. As Briana says, “It’s like putting numbing spray on a festering wound”.
  
• avoidant attachment tend to struggle with feelings of rejection and a fear of being consumed.  They believe that relationships come at the cost of personal freedom and need a lot of space. In other words, this type will avoid anxiety by being dismissive and cutting themselves off/withdrawing from outside sources. In Briana’s words “It’s like cutting off a whole limb to treat a minor abrasion”.
  
• disorganised/fearful avoidant attachment (who can be both highly avoidant and highly anxious) want love and connection but are also afraid it’s a façade, that they are being manipulated and used. They tend to be predictably unpredictable and to cut themselves off, dissociate and then attempt to reconnect. In Briana’s words “It’s like numbing a wound before cutting off the limb and then trying to sew it back on again”.
  
• secure attachment generally are open to new relationships, believing they meet people when the time is right. They are looking for shared values, goals and emotional honesty and know that compatibility is the true foundation for lasting relationships and connection.
  

One of my close friends and I often fall into what’s popularly called “the anxious –avoidant trap”. The person with anxious attachment (me in my unconscious “wired” state) moves towards intimacy, and the person with avoidant attachment (my friend) moves away from intimacy to regain their space. It’s been very useful to recognise this pattern, though in truth my friend is probably more wired with both anxiety and avoidance reactions.

It is perhaps a sign of rising to the growth challenges anxious attachment presents that I am able to now recognise this pattern and, despite loving them deeply, have no desire to be in a romantic relationship with them while they maintain such a fear of emotional intimacy. I’m quite happy to have them as just a friend.

I have noticed, however, just how often my old patterning can kick in and I feel quite hurt about something they have said or not said). When this happens I now take a look at the narrative in my head running those hurt feelings, and unearth whether these (generally) unspoken expectations are reasonable or unreasonable.

Once I shine a light on whatever is driving the narrative I often discover I’m being unreasonable with both myself and them, and old patterns and beliefs are running the show. I acknowledge that is not always the case, I have also learned the hard way to discern through other relationships when more toxic patterns emerge, like gaslighting, and then it’s time to disengage.

However, if I can see I’m being unreasonable, and old patterns and beliefs are at play, it provides a good opportunity for me to reframe the narrative in a more healthy way. I described one way to do that in What Resentment, Frustration and Pain Have to Do With Your Boundaries but there are many ways to do this and it’s been a matter of finding what works for me in which situations.

It’s with regularity lately though that I see that many of the painful feelings inside me are less about unearthed healthy boundaries, and more about a narrative that no longer serves me or that I actually even believe anymore.

Just this week in a conversation with my friend about something that happened many years ago, I felt that familiar pain arise and started to take stock. My whole “poor wee me” narrative was just one perspective, my friend had quite a different take, both wounds were fuelled by fear and had elicited our typical anxious/avoidant dance.

Then I realised there is no feeling they can elicit from me that isn’t simply a reflection of what is already within me. And it’s a choice as to which of those feelings, which of those expectations and beliefs driving those feelings, are actually true for me now.

I have no need to subjugate myself. That was a coping mechanism which, as Briana MacWilliam puts it, “was once the most functional way to get one’s needs met in a dysfunctional system or environment”.

More often than not, it’s a simple decision to take a more mature, more secure stance that shifts the feelings within me. It’s about holding true to the types of feelings I want to feel but letting go of attaching those to any particular person. That can also mean letting go of relationships with specific people entirely on occasion, but more often than not it just assigns them to a different category in my mind.

In this way I can see I’m actually not so quite “attached” to my feelings, expectations and beliefs are I thought I was. As I grow, emotional fragility becomes emotional intelligence, gullibility becomes adaptability, self abandonment becomes forgiveness, desperation becomes expression, smothering becomes nurturing, people pleasing becomes more healthy generosity and kindness and self depreciation becomes self reflection.

In what ways could you grow by reexamining and attaching new meaning to your feelings, expectations and beliefs?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy I Really Want to Go From Overwhelm to Clarity and Confidence, Ways to Reach for Growth Rather Than Reacting With Old Conditioned Constriction, Put Mature Parts of You in the Driving Seat for Better Results  and Overcome the Greatest Human Fear – Be the True You. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. With thanks to BrianaMacWilliam for the insights and guidance.

This week brought an end to a busy period for me over our summer, where my attention has been focused outward and I haven’t had a lot of time to think about either my present circumstances or my future hopes and dreams.

The first thing that happened was I fell into a slump, the reality of where I am versus where I want to be hitting me like a juggernaut. Sometimes it’s easier to keep busy and just not think about “what is”, but then that line of thought spiralled me into grieving for the decades of my life where I’d done just that.

It's like author Edith Eger talked about in relation to the concentration camps, when she was imprisoned her focus was on survival and keeping her soul in the light. When released she became imprisoned in the darkness of her mind until she finally grieved and processed what had happened in the camp.

I have a close friend that shows me frequently, inadvertently through their own situation, a reflection of the prison I'd put myself in for many years. Also, given their generous and kind nature, they unconsciously illustrate to me the ridiculousness of people like us subjugating to others who take advantage of that nature without getting our own needs met, nor receiving any reciprocation of respect or kindness.

That looking glass is there in my life to – among other things I’m sure - allow me to grieve for my own poor choices that I made in the past. That, coupled with the loss of distraction, and I felt quite depressed at the landscape of my current reality. Heaviness had set in across my chest and I found myself ruminating about “what is” and “where to next”.

Currently I sit in an in-between space in my life, in between shaking out the things I don’t want and attracting all the things I do want. I’m very aware as I transition into a new phase of my existence I’m journeying towards aligning my inner and outer worlds in every area of my life.

More and more I embrace the saying my gran repeated many times “what’s for you won’t go by you”, more and more I have absolute trust in the flow and serendipity of life.

However, it is hard to be in the flow of life when I’m spending too much time noticing that my “reality” isn’t what I’d like. It’s like one minute lying back with my lifebelt on just enjoying the trip downstream, then the next deciding it’s all down to me to get where I need to go and struggling against the current to get to the bank and exit the river and do it all on foot.

To stay in the flow I have to make “now” fun, give myself something to be excited about. I was reminded by another friend of my own inner voice speaking about a year ago when I had to start negotiating the time my children would spend at their father’s house versus mine:

"Use this time (without children) not to fulfil tasks and be productive but to fill your heart. If you will fill your heart it will change your vibe and the rumination will naturally drop away".

I’d been drawn to an article this week about unique ways to start having fun, but when I did some of those I was still stuck in my spiral and it really just pointed me back to the things that are currently not in my life that need their own time to manifest. However, there were some great ways in there to uncover your heart’s true desires. It reminded me of the saying:

“If you want to know where your heart is, look where your mind goes when it wanders”.

So my friend jumped in with a little bucket list exercise, and once I’d laid out the big stuff (my vocation and intimate relationships) that need their own time to become evident and for me to be in the right heart space, it cleared the way for ideas to come up around some of the things I can do now or at least plan to do in the near future.

For example, I am booked to travel and see family overseas this year and, although I will have my children with me, it also provides an opportunity to catch up with some dear friends I haven’t seen in many years. I’d like to travel there more often in future, once in seventeen years has in no way been enough so I’m excited about this second trip.

That of course led to a discussion about travel and all the places in the world we would like to see, some of which I could certainly plan in the next few years. Then we got on to talking about perhaps going to some kind of retreat, or going to see one or two of my favourite teachers at a live event, something to directly nurture my spiritual side.

And inevitably this opened up a much wider realm of possibilities for all sorts of things I might want to pursue right now, from a wardrobe revamp to other things I want to study and learn about.

As we batted ideas back and forth, it sparked some light into my life again and I do feel more excited about the possibilities that lie in the present.

Sometimes it’s just not possible to make certain dreams come true this very second. However, in order to enjoy life and to be in the right frame of mind, heart space and open to receive when things do line up, perhaps it is time to consider what possibilities there are that you can get excited about in your life right now?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Have Fun Not Knowing What You Want to Offer the World, Meditation – the Cornerstone to Your Success, How to Withstand the Assault of Self Doubt and Go After Your Dreams and When Life Is Getting You Down – How to Lift Yourself Up. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Recently I saw a post that stated “You are the average of the five nervous systems you spend the most time with”. This is a derivative of Jim Rohn’s assertion that “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with” but the principle still rings true for me.

When I exited an unhealthy relationship, in the months and years that followed both my osteopath and chiropractor observed the difference in my nervous system.

Author David Burkis said, when researching the science of social networks, he found that we are indeed influenced by the people around us but that influence doesn’t stop anywhere near the five people we spend the most time with. It’s far more dispersed and research suggests it includes people we haven’t even met yet.

He concluded “You’re not the average of the five people you surround yourself with. It’s way bigger than that. You’re the average of all the people who surround you. So take a look and make sure you’re in the right surroundings”.

As writer Maarten Van Doom points out “The people you surround yourself with:

• Shape who you are
  
• Determine which conversations dominate your attention
  
• And affect which attitudes and behaviours you are regularly exposed to”.
  

Burkis cites the example of putting on weight, when people we know put on weight we are more likely to also – and when friends of friends put on weight that also increases our likelihood of weight gain. Van Doom explores the question of trying to live well, and proposes that we surround ourselves with people we admire.

Sound advice given that research by social psychologist Dr McClelland of Harvard concluded “the people you habitually associate with determine as much as 95% of your success or failure in life”.

I know from my early years in an intense personal development programme, it can be easy to interpret that as material success, but experience has drawn me more to resonate with the following quote by Sasha Tozzi, which I have posted on my wall.

Choose people who:

• Choose you
  
• Ask how you are
  
• See you
  
• Let you be you
  
• Feel good to your nervous system
  
• You can breathe easily around
  
• You don’t need to perform for
  
• Are good for your mental health
  
• Want to see you win
  
• Don’t try to control you”
  

That isn’t necessarily the story in most people’s childhood, and that is where friends become incredibly important, certainly they were for me. Then, as I grew, and got involved in more romantic relationships and career dynamics, the people I were drawn to were often challenging.

Those challenges, as I now see them, were like unconscious do-overs of the early relationship dynamics that I wasn’t in control of. It would be oversimplifying things if I said I was subconsciously trying to prove my worthiness, but along the right lines.

In essence, I’ve metaphorically hit a lot of brick walls and bled out to grow on a soul level.

And as I sit in an in-between space in my life, in between shaking out the things I don’t want and attracting all the things I do want, I am feeling - by and large - pretty nurtured by the people I associate with these days.

But I am turning more towards the desire I have to help people navigate life from love rather than fear, taking them back to simplicity and reminding them to do the things they’ve forgotten. And I’m orientated to being with someone kind and secure in themselves, with whom I can feel the deepest sense of belonging, companionship, wholeness and love.

So this timely reminder about who I associate with is perhaps right on cue as a reminder to engage with others who already embody these things or have already attracted them into their own life. Others who inspire me and stretch my thinking in the direction I want to go.

As you think about your life, and the people you associate with, in what ways do they reflect the life you want to live? Are there boundaries that need strengthened? People who you perhaps need to let go? Others you might want to attract?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How to Attract People Who Love You the Way You Are: Accept and Approve of Yourself, What You Give Your Attention to Is Your Greatest Contribution, How to Withstand the Assault of Self Doubt and Go After Your Dreams, Stand in Your Own Truth and What Do You Want From Your Relationships - Time to Take an Inventory? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.