​From Exhaustion to Empowerment: Healing the Negative Associations of Giving

Image by ColdwellPro from Pixabay

I was doing an exercise as part of Evette Rose’s Healing Your Boundaries course, which asked us to write down a list of things we enjoy doing for others and a list of things we resent doing. As I started to contemplate things I do for others, I began to question if I enjoy doing anything. I know there are things I don’t mind doing, and I do them because they are reasonable and align with my deeper values around relationships. But enjoy?

There was also a section that dealt with overcompensated boundaries, where people say “yes” all the time regardless of whether they want to do what is being asked, and conversely, say “no” all the time without giving the other person a chance to explain what they need or what kind of support is required. Both are trauma responses, where we have learned it’s safer to say yes or no all the time to feel safe.

It was interesting doing the course after first reading the accompanying book back in early 2020. At the time, I hadn’t even really begun to define my own boundaries, and I was not in a situation where my boundaries were respected, even if they were articulated.

It was useful then, at the start of my boundary journey, to understand why I had developed into a fairly boundary-less giver. But it was extremely useful to go through the course again, after having done a lot more work on boundaries these last few years, and deal with all the negative associations I have, given my history as an over-giver.

Then I read an article from Teal Swan on Empty Nesters which made me reconsider whether I might even be a natural giver, or if that was a trauma response from childhood. When I read, “Do you feel that you were called to be in a support role? To do all the things that parenting requires, such as caretaking, managing, relationship skills, organisation, focusing on others, structuring, communicating, educating, providing affection, anticipating needs and fulfilling them, behavioral management, supporting, guiding, protecting, nurturing, devoting yourself, etc.” I thought, “Mmm, do I feel called to that?”

True, later in the article she talks about how one of the most common things to experience in this transition is tiredness, if not absolute exhaustion. She says that tiredness needs to be tended to, not bulldozed. Exhaustion is certainly how I feel, not just after years of parenting, but including parenting.  

Then I reflected on how I'm part of another growing group - the part-empty nesters. When the kids we cared for so much 24/7 are now living between two homes due to separation. Two houses, two different sets of values; one not fully recognising the need for their emotional processing. Courts, not trauma-informed, focus mainly on physical abuse and overlook other crucial aspects. Yet as a parent, we want the highest level of care for our kids, not just the minimal standard the system deems acceptable.

Many of the points in the Empty Nesters article resonate with this situation, which is great. But there are also numerous other dynamics in "split living empty nesting": letting go of control, trusting in the higher plan for their life, teaching them how to self-manage at a much younger age, and dealing with resentment, exhaustion, trauma from the past, and overgiving, among others.

Then I watched the movie 3000 Years of Longing and when I heard lead actress Tilda Swinton say "I was like a prisoner emerging from the dungeon into the sunlight. I expanded into the space of my own life", I knew that shaking off these negative associations with giving is what would make me feel this way entirely.

I thought about my pattern of lifelong over-giving and something else Teal wrote: “For many empty nesters, their actual calling and actual purpose is to be in a support role. This is what drives them. It is what they can’t not do. Their purpose for being is to give their energy to something or someone that needs it and can take it and use it.”

I also felt the familiar tug of calling when she asked, “The real question for you to answer is: Do I want to use these skills and be in a new and different support role? Do I want to use these skills I have on something new or not? What you have to offer is very much needed and very much matters. So don’t slip into the illusion that you don’t matter anymore. Different things are now in need of what you have to give.”

Evette encourages us to focus on doing for others things that make us happy and joyful without feeling that we are losing our energy or time (they should energise us). She mentions how “Acts of goodwill should leave that warm feeling in your heart and you will know 100% that you don’t want anything in return. And even when you do these acts, always have boundaries with yourself, know and recognize your limits.”

I recall flying back from the UK after a quick two-day visit to see my mum, who was in the final stages of cancer at the time. I was utterly exhausted. The kids were young then, and their nana was able to look after them for five days while I undertook the grueling journey. Yet, as exhausted as I was, I couldn’t help but want to assist a poor lady who had become very sick and disoriented somewhere after Dubai.

It was the job of the flight attendants to help her, and they did, but she was on her own, so I sat with her and mainly just provided a sense of comfort in knowing someone was there and keeping an eye on her.

As a parent of young kids, part of my job was often tending sickness. Having been badly let down at times by the medical system, I had educated and trained myself over the years in understanding how phenomenal a healer our own body is, particularly when we can calm our mind and emotions. I learned that there was generally no need to rush to the doctor at the first sign of a fever, nor vomiting, as both – while distressing – are usually healing reactions. The best thing we can often offer is a sense of calm and confidence to help someone regulate their nerves and let their body do its thing.

As this memory popped into my head, a flood of others followed, and I recognized the truth in what Teal had said: “It is what they can’t not do.” This realisation prompted me to deeply consider my relationship with giving. Have I been giving from a place of genuine desire, or has it been a conditioned response rooted in trauma?

Reflecting on this question has been crucial in my journey of healing and boundary-setting. I encourage you to take a moment and ask yourself: Is your giving healthy and joyful, or is it a reaction to past experiences? Understanding the nature of your giving can be transformative, offering you the opportunity to heal and redefine your boundaries. It’s an essential step in ensuring that your acts of kindness nourish both you and those you care for.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Win-Win-Win Giving, You Know What’s Best for You, So Stop Giving Your Power Away, From Lone Wolf to Team Player - Navigating the Symphony of Collaboration in Life, Devote Your Attention to Ways You Impact Others and How You’re Truly Treated and Normal Is Dysfunctional That Is the Growth Opportunity. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.