Shed the Layers of Pretence - What Does it Truly Mean to Be You?

Image by Andreas from Pixabay

Talking to a friend about their career, they were saying how they’ve really changed tact these last few years. Whereas they used to be who they felt was expected of them in their role, now they bring much more of themselves to the workplace and feel happier to walk away (if there is a mismatch in expectations) and happier overall.

At the same time I saw a podcast interviewing Chip Conley about reclaiming our middle years as a time of regenerative possibilities “a time to activate our capacities for renewal and let our souls lead the dance”.  Certainly it’s common to go through life with aspirations to get good grades, get a good job, meet the love of your life and have children… only for many to discover they still feel unfulfilled – whether they were successful in those things or not.

Then I noticed something along a similar theme when reading about the New Moon on 9 February, which was reminding me that the only expectations I need to live up to are my own. Having felt the weight of having to perform for people in my life at various points – to act the way they wanted me to act – there’s a chance to shed the layers of pretence and connect with my inner truth.

Now whether someone is in their midlife years, or whether there’s a New Moon, does not negate the point. In fact, I very much hope my children grow up knowing how to dance to the beat of their own drum, but I also know the many ways in which they are expected to conform and where those voices in my head that I now contend with also came from.

I noticed a good friend taking some time out to play an online game after we had lunch together one day, whereas I had gotten on with some work. When I asked about it, they just casually said they were having a moment of downtime. I realised right there how prevalent the narrative in my head is about the need to be productive – or perhaps even moreso – the desire to be seen to be productive.

The same is true when I’m talking to people, or writing for an audience, I am often trying to watch for any words, phrase or references that might put people off. Why? I mean, I don’t want to offend people, but if I talk about something that puts someone off – New Moon’s may be a case in point – then really they’re not my kind of people.

And the more I trying to appeal to a broader range of people, the more I continue to perpetuate the myth that I don’t fit in, or don’t belong.

How did it all begin? As it does for most of us, in childhood, trying to please parents, teachers, coaches etc, because those people were critical to my survival back then, so the neural pathways and patterns started to form. Preferring harmony, I mainly acted the way others wanted because it was easier to go along with it than create confrontation.

However, feeling like I always have to be “on” for others leads to a disconnect from my authentic self, it creates anxiety and unease.

Coming back to the New Moon energies for me this week, it has the capacity to amplify any hidden negative feelings about my work that could be compromising my potential for success. While astrology isn’t predictive (it simply gives us an understanding of the influences at play, it’s then up to us how we use that energy) this is a theme that has been coming up for me a lot in recent weeks.

It went on to say the wisest words:

“The only way you can change the things you’re unhappy about is by acknowledging them and being clear about what it is that needs to change. It’s so much easier to work with things that are in your field of awareness rather than having them subconsciously sabotaging your life.”

“Gosh” I thought, “this is exactly what I’ve been trying to teach the kids lately”. They came home tetchy with each other one day and it quickly became clear there was some misdirected anger going on. The things that were triggering are things that would normally wash over. I asked “Is there something bugging you that you don’t feel able to talk about?”

As young adolescents, they haven’t yet quite developed the cognitive processing capacity to name the nuances of how they are feeling. And they most definitely don’t want to betray others by breaking confidences or sharing the details of sensitive information, nor would I expect them to.

However I do want them to learn to recognise when they feel bad, and where they are feeling it in their body. And to take an active part in feeling into and releasing that feeling whether through writing, drawing, dancing, sport – anything that allows them some creative expression rather than squashing everything down.

What I’ve learned over the years is that ignored, suppressed and denied emotions tend to come out sidewards – whether through sibling fights or overreacting to friends’ comments, sleepless nights, limited attention spans or getting sick, to name a few. It’s much healthier to encourage them to work through things and to lead by example.

So while serendipitously prompted by various conversations and a bit of astrological information, I know it’s important for me to look at my own unhealthy patterns, the things that are making me feel bad because I’m in some way compromising and suppressing the true me. The constant need to “look like I’m productive” and to “fit in” are just examples that are active within me right now.

Both are examples I became conscious of quite some time ago and have already consciously worked on many times. Creating new neural pathways – especially ones that kick in as an alternative to those well worn ones from childhood that are associated with our flight and fight response – is an ongoing practice.

What patterns and expectations are you carrying from the past? Embrace the wisdom of acknowledging and clarifying what needs to change. Share your reflections with someone you trust or journal them.  Let’s collectively move towards a space where authenticity takes precedence over society’s expectations.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Normal Is Dysfunctional That Is the Growth Opportunity, Expand Your Emotional Vocabulary to Get Your Real Needs Met, Here Is How to Recognise and Overcome Your True Fears, Who Are You? Introduce the Remarkable Human Behind the Roles You Play and Make the Choice to Feel Better About Yourself and Your Life. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.