 Hello old friend
Many years have passed since we last talked, but I have thought of you often along the way. As I wonder how life has unfolded for you, I reflect on the many lessons I have learned since we were last together. I have learned that life is a series of moments, and that there is only ever is the present moment and what we make of it. I have learned to become more consciously aware of my thoughts and feelings, and use them to guide me to my best life. I have learned the fruitlessness of trying to control people and circumstances in order for me to be happy. I still recall the meltdown I had in the destruction and removal of the old cast iron bath. I have learned that you can never be good enough to make someone else happy. Happiness is an inside out job. I have learned that my only job is to reach for the feeling of wellbeing in any given moment. I have learned that life is not meant to be spent largely in pain in order to gain; pain should be a fleeting moment of contrast upon which you act selfishly to find your own harmony. I have learned that unless you are feeling your own harmony, you have nothing useful to give anyone anyway. I have learned that our children come knowing their harmony, and how to find it, and that we unwittingly – in our intentions to teach them how to be good and fit in - cut them off from who they really are. I have learned that parenting teaches many rich lessons. I have learned that children are focused consciousness, learning how to operate in a physical world. I have learned it takes the first 21 years of our life to operate fully in our body, from a physical, emotional and mental perspective. I have learned that most people are unaware of the stages and needs of children in each phase of development. I have learned that the irony of learning to live in a physical body in a physical world, is we have to then rediscover our true eternal nature, our connectedness and our wellbeing, which is not physical. I have learned that there is a hard way to do things, and an easy way. You can either live life from the outside in, mapping your path to every goal, taking determined action; or you can live life from the inside out, making your feeling of wellbeing the most important goal you ever have, trusting that all you desire will be brought to you in a series of unplannable steps. I have learned that you will always have all the money you need, and that you do not need to sacrifice in order to have it. I have learned that people who are hurt can do hurtful things in seeking their healing. Yet I understand we would never attract hurt unless it was a reflection of our own state of being too. I have learned that we each are part of a whole, connected, with our every thought and action affecting each other and the greater consciousness. I have learned that most people seem completely unaware of their connection to everything else, and I have learned to orientate to those who feel their connection most strongly. I have learned that being in love is something that happens when someone reflects back to you the love your inner being has for you. I have learned that every feeling is a reflection of our state of connection or disconnection. I have learned that every physical manifestation is also a reflection of that same inner state. There is no single illness with a physical cause, only physical patterns. Look deeper. I have learned that the only marriage vow that would make sense is the one that gives each person the freedom to be who they are, even if that means being somewhere else, with someone else in a future moment. I have learned that there is a diamond in all of us, a beautiful light that shines when we are connected with our true source of wellbeing. I have learned not to balk at that which some call God. While the idea of any separate entity who can exact judgment or impose anything upon any one being does not ring true, it’s the universal lessons taught by the teachers exalted that resonate. I have learned there is no one truth, only the truth that rings true for you, the truth which leads you on a path to your own wellbeing. I have learned that I am a most imperfect being who constantly needs to practice all the lessons I have learned. I have learned that I can interpret the greater energy I sense, and to trust the messages that reveal themselves. I have learned to embrace that strange phenomenon and the fact that it makes me kind of weird. I have learned that you may be in bondage to pain my friend, and I hold for you a space in which you can surrender to the wellbeing that wants to prevail. It requires less strength and has much to offer. Do not be scared, fear is a function of the mind only. I have learned that learning about life and living it in the best way possible is what interests me most. My wish for you, is to discover a truth that helps you find your own way to your best life. You deserve kindness. You deserve happiness. I reflect back to you what you gave me. With love always.
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 Last week an old friend got in touch, he and his partner had a baby about a year ago, and they are totally miserable. Of course they love their child, who is the shining beacon in an otherwise pretty dreary landscape, but they have lost a sense of themselves and each other.
We had a long conversation, which then caused me to reflect on my own experience of those initial years. Like any bad experience, I had simply shut the off the details, packed them into a box labeled “never to be repeated” and focused elsewhere. But now I dived back into the memories, yes, they were pretty horrific. I think it’s mostly because we are in a transition time as a race. The era of equal rights has ushered in and now we are trying to figure out what on earth that means when it comes to having children. For my part, I just figured that I had to do the pregnancy and breast feeding part, but all else was fair game. I totally believe we can be, do, and have anything we want. As a child of the 70’s I was taught to value equal opportunity, in fact I’d say I expected it, even though it wasn’t what was typically modeled in households where most women stayed at home and men went out to work. Certainly there was no way I was going to put up with anything less than being treated as an equal. Then I met the world as an adult. My first clue to the true nature of this era that ushered in equality should have been the grossly skewed distribution of chores around the home, the same in every relationship I have had. I know there are men out there who love to clean and keep home, but you are the minority. I recall reading an article a number of years ago citing that, while most women now work outside the home, in most cases women do around 80% of the chores at home, or more. This isn’t about bagging men. These are changing times and we are all trying to find our place. We are coming out of the age of superwomen. When I say ‘super’, I mean haggard, wrung out women, running in circles trying to prove they can be and do everything. Urgh. When I met my partner, and we both wanted children, I’m not sure why I had this picture in my head of parenthood as something that we could share equally. Before kids he was keen to take time off and be the one at home, and then along came our first daughter and – while he would never admit it – that idea ran for the hills never to be seen again. Yes I can be and do anything, but motherhood? Grueling. Amazing. Relentless. Joyous. It will literally and metaphorically turn you inside out. I really thought a parent was a parent. Sure, a man can’t physically carry and squeeze a baby out of his body, nor can he naturally feed them, but in all other aspects I just figured we could share. Let me not skip too quickly past the bit about birthing and breastfeeding though, it was hideous in many ways. The story of my children’s births had much to teach, but breastfeeding was a complete surprise. I recall a few weeks into my journey with my first daughter counting in amazement at the cumulative 10 hours of feeding in a day. It locks you in. I had a picture in my head that babies would take a good feed then go and sleep for a few hours, or laugh and giggle and start to explore the world. Instead I found the on/off feeding from the breast meant there was no handing over of baby for any length of time. Even when it came time to return to work, it was all about getting back for the bedtime feed. Of course we can choose to feed our kids from a bottle, but when you are approaching parenthood with a baby growing in your tummy that has been so long awaited and hard won, then you get bombarded with all the ‘evidence’ abut what is best (natural birth and natural feeding are expected), I kind of felt obligated to at least give it a go. With that comes baby griping, most have some form of it in those early months as their burgeoning digestive systems get used to processing their milk. As they are crying and even screaming, you wonder if it’s something you are doing or not doing and it can just about drive you crazy. There’s sleep patterns that can tie you up in knots, and the warning not to let them sleep on their fronts. It’s daunting. Frankly, I was glad to get back to work in many ways by the time my daughter was 8 months old. I remember saying I was a much better mother for working, even though I was in a soul sucking job that expected much and reaped little. It was not fun. Before kids I had a successful corporate career, watched television in the evening to zone out, had time to do gardening and home improvements, and was used to having café lunches on the weekend. I expected to have no time to myself, but had no real concept of what that truly meant. Suddenly I was this mother machine that seemed to be needed 24/7 and I really resented it. I couldn’t resent my baby, with each passing day our daughter would do something we would consider miraculous and we would bask in the glory of that. But I would look sidewards at my partner, watching TV on the couch, going to work and doing stuff around the house and garden and resent the hell out of (what appeared to be) the lesser change to his world. My friend’s partner yells at him, I can relate. I can look back now, more objectively, and say that I just wasn’t feeling heard. It all felt so unfair. It was relentless, tedious, exhausting and I just needed him to listen, to understand. I’m not sure it’s possible. Men see women as having gotten what we wanted – equal rights. Certainly that drove me nuts, my partner casting the desires of previous generations upon me, as if I had put it on my xmas list for Santa and now was reaping what I’d sown. How could he blame me for something previous generations had fought for? How could I blame the previous generations? How could I blame him? All the while we needed my income, and I resented that too. Not that I wanted to take on the role of motherhood and apple pie at home, you could go stick the pie where the sun doesn’t shine as far as I was concerned. I’ve never viewed motherhood as my raison d’être, my children are the fruits of my life, not my reason for it. That is the crux of where I was stuck, the wee woman at home picture felt like I was saying this was the reason I existed, when I know there’s so much more to me and wanted an acknowledgement of that. Yet here I am, my daughter is 6 years old and at school now. Her sister turned 4 last year, siblings is a whole other subject, don’t be lured into thinking they need friends! Siblings are there for your children to learn conflict management, think about it carefully… I jest and, yet, not. I have skipped over the constant sibling battleground, the meltdowns and tantrums and many other things that have unwittingly consumed my attention in these last few years. Because, despite the intensity, it has to be one of the best opportunities for growth and insight you ever get, this parenting gig. Our kids make us want to be better. From the minute mine were born I knew what I wanted for them, above all else, was to allow them to be who they are. That meant I had to figure out who I am. Before I figured that out, I balked at most aspects of being mum. But going on that journey has released me from a lot of my old perceptions and beliefs that held me back. Despite studying child psychology at uni, despite having continued to learn and grow throughout adulthood, absorbing all the material out there on temperaments and gender differences, the biggest surprise has been the genuine difference in the role of mum and dad, and the real need kids have for both those roles in different ways at different times. I resisted being ‘mum’ for a long time, all the while naturally being the one who considers how the kids are feeling given any level of activity, being the one who plays nurse, being the one who plans and packs for any type of activity, being the one who naturally thinks about what clothes are needed in each wardrobe, what equipment is needed, what food is needed, whose birthday is coming up, what gifts to buy for xmas… the list is endless. From the psychology of what is going on with everyone at home, and the growing friendships at school, to the practical daily needs and, of course, empathy, mums just seem to be better wired. When I finally let go last year of this concept that I needed to be out earning, and gave myself permission to just go with the flow, it finally opened up the space for me to be me and for my partner to find his flow. I’m not saying all mums need to let go of earning. What I had built a career on was, as I said, soul sucking, I didn’t want to do it anymore. What I discovered I love to do – writing – wasn’t something I had the time nor energy to put towards building a career out of. I just wanted to do it and let the other part figure itself out naturally over time. Letting go of the need to earn allowed me the tiny bit of space I needed to pursue what I love at the same time as being the best mum I can be (and running the household and supporting my partner’s new business). Figure out what you need, without hanging your happiness on others. The best way to help those around you, is to get your own lifebelt on first. That is it, my best advice, is figure out who you are, then let go of all that you are not. It will allow others to be who they are and fill any gaps that arise in the process of you letting go. Parenthood is long haul, a marathon that most undertake without any training and find themselves fairly quickly hitting a wall. I have no idea why being a mum and all that means has been such a surprise really, but I wouldn’t change it. Parenthood is a journey, it can turn you inside out and tear you apart if you let it, or you can choose to be kind to yourself and those around you. I vote for kind. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  This year seems to be the year. So many people, who have been dissatisfied with their lot for a while, now seem to be breaking through into the anticipation and belief of a better life. Yet others appear to be moving forwards from those first tentative steps, now growing in confidence, it’s a beautiful thing to watch.
Just today I got a link from someone I know who was undertaking a survey to get an appreciation of the demand for a long-cherished idea they have for a business. Instantly I felt this cheer inside, not so much for the service being offered, but for yet another person following their dreams. In an email this week, a close friend let me know she still has her dream of moving out of the city held firmly in her sights, and yet another was telling me of a writing course she is doing, fanning the flame of an amazing talent that has sat in the shadows too long. My own partner woke up to a realization of his talents this week; played back to him from a tiling supplier who had an ah-ha moment, “ah, you’re a bathroom renovator” he said “there’s only one other in town”. Indeed, a far cry from the shaky start last year, wondering if he was good enough to move from glazier to transforming people’s homes (those of us who have seen his work over the years had no doubt). A few weeks ago I heard from a guy who connected with some of the initial articles I wrote in 2015, he was telling me that he now believes so much in what he’s doing, he’s going to strike out on his own this year. People just seem to be emerging and it’s a really wonderful thing to see. My partner’s parents are now booking in an oft talked about big trip abroad. Even my parents seem to finally be on the track towards getting the new kitchen dad has wanted now for many years. Small things can make us really happy! As I was putting my 4-year-old to bed tonight, I asked “What am I going to write about this week?” and she replied “Just wait and see mama”. That was half the problem, and why I was consulting my 4-year-old directly, normally I just wait and see what arises that inspires me, and go with it. This week was so busy though it was difficult to see the woods from the trees. Then, as she was drifting off to sleep, my mind wandered to the email I had got earlier today with the survey, and I got that familiar tingly feeling of true inspiration. It’s got to be one of the best benefits of putting your own story out there, others start to share theirs. It certainly fuels my desire to keep on dancing to my own tune. There were too many years of rocking up to dreary workplaces, bursting with people desperate to be seen as fitting the mold, sharing very little – if anything – of their true self. It was a grey, soul-sucking world. I like this world much better, people reaching in and starting to figure out what their own desires actually are, who they are and opening up to the possibility they can be that in the world, they can have whatever it is they actually want and the world will be all the better for it. There was a family who arrived at our school last year, they had been travelling for a while and felt it was time to perhaps settle as their oldest child was starting school. 9 months on they are on the move again, good on them. You try something and, if it doesn’t work, try something else. Tuning in to who you are is no small feat if you are embroiled in a big, sticky, tangled mess of commitments, expectations, and decades of choices to please others. It is entirely possible though, and not that hard, it’s just one step at a time. It’s so obvious to me now when someone is stressed out, tuned out of their own inner desires. I can see it and feel it just in their demeanor. Colds, headaches, stomach bugs, all just symptoms of a life that is too much, off track and not aligned with what you really want. Money must be one of the biggest fears that stops people from pursuing their dreams. As I was reflecting with my partner tonight, when he remarked that something was “too expensive”, money shows up for whatever you prioritise. That is a bigger conversation of course, just don’t let it be your excuse for remaining in misery. Thank you to those who continue to share their stories, it’s so inspiring, and I will continue to cheer you on from the depths of my soul. One person following their dreams, whether it be a new kitchen or a new life, is more powerful than hundreds who just keep their head down. Each time someone ‘goes for it’ the world becomes a better place. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  I’m not talking about the band, it’s more the sentiment. Until the last few years my life had been so entrenched in the machine, the constructs of society that shape us in ways that we innately feel don’t work, yet outwardly learn to adopt – I’m talking about the likes of the economic machine, the educational machine, the political machine, the health care machine and so on; things that create limitation for us in so many everyday ways.
I didn’t understand this rage I felt inside at times, it’s so big, so pervasive; instead I blamed whatever happen to tip me over the edge at the time, usually people and relationships. Here’s the thing, freedom is our basis of life. We inherently know this, and anything that detracts from it makes us feel some shade of grey. In fact each and every emotion could be graded on a scale of how much of our own power or freedom we are feeling; it’s no mistake that Abraham Hicks refers to it as your ‘inner guidance system’. In a conversation with another really insightful woman yesterday, I was reminded about the connection between our spiritual and physical selves. The point that was being made was more directly to do with the role of a parent when a child is feeling powerless, exhibited in many ways from violent outbursts to stunned mullet. It was her observation that children are completely infused in their parents’ philosophies, at a deeply unconscious and somewhat semi-conscious level, and so if I (as a parent) am not in agreement with the way society is approaching all the traditional constructs of education, health care, business and so on, when my children meet these things head on, they are likely to respond negatively to anything that seems ‘off’ to them. Well that is good news in the sense that they recognise things that feel off to them, though I think much of that is their own inherent inner sense of freedom anyway and because it is how we evolve. However, the way we respond to what we observe is what makes all the difference. If my children respond negatively, I know enough about life to recognise pushing against anything simply adds more fuel to it. We only have to look at the various Political shenanigans around the world to realise how pushing against an undesired status quo can result – at least short term – in a more painful (and even ridiculous in some cases) outcome. It has become evident that the smart way to build a bridge to a more evolved world is simply to orientate yourself to the most evolved parts of the one we live in, and ignore as much of the rest of it as possible. As Mother Teresa said “I will never attend an anti-war rally; if you have a peace rally, invite me”. Last year when my daughter left her soothing, mild-mannered kindergarten teacher and was met by a no-nonsense school teacher she balked. I remember saying “well honey, if you want to get the best out of your teacher, you have to see the best in her”. Wise words that I clearly needed to hear as inwardly I was also balking at the lack of parent communication – and I’m smart enough to know my daughter will pick up on that subconsciously at least. It takes me a while to get good with things though, I’m not pretending I flip from doom and gloom to butterflies and rainbows in an instant. It also doesn’t mean I roll over and just accept what is. It means I deliberately seek out the best way for me to feel my own power. Like last year when I finally let go of the need to earn an income. It took a while, years and years, and it wasn't with anyone's support, quite the opposite. But it was yet another hat I had felt I needed to wear, and I have too many hats; it was time to hone in on the ones that were most meaningful. I had felt trapped by the need to be a breadwinner in the house and it was detracting from what was really important. Interestingly, my partner simultaneously decided he wanted to strike out on his own, and that gap in our household finances has been rapidly filling in. Now I wear a business support hat instead, which works much better with the parenting hat and the relationship hat. All that is to say that what is most important, what I place above all else, is a conscious awareness of who I am being, this person who wears all these hats. Any time I start to feel rage against the machine, it diffuses more quickly these days, it seems such a waste of energy. I am reminded I’m here to build a bridge, so I refocus my thoughts. Building a bridge is easy when I take one thought at a time and take as broad a perspective as possible. As I do, things seem to come into my life that just open up other thoughts and opportunities and – before you know it – life has evolved. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You. |
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