For the first time in a while I had a couple of days this week where I didn’t have a lot of commitments, and so I had decided to meet up with a friend for a nice lunch and walk.

Of course we hadn’t seen each other in a while so we were busy catching up with each other about the latest things going on in our lives, while enjoying some yummy food and then taking a walk around the base of Mount Manganui, which looks directly out to sea.

It’s a beautiful spot, and I was busy simultaneously enjoying it and getting engrossed in conversation. So engrossed that I didn’t notice the gully on my right where the storm water naturally drains away, so my right foot went in there while the left side of my body kept moving forward, coming down on my knee and hand hard.

It was one of those moments where time seemed to slow, the fall itself indelibly etched in my mind’s eye. I recall thinking “oh crap, this is going to be bad and I can’t stop it” while watching my body fall forward and the various parts inevitably slamming against the ground. My next thought was not to move too quickly, just to let the shock wave pass through and then assess the damage.

Luckily everything was still moving and there were no sharp, searing pains anywhere, just some bad bruising and grazes. Slowly I stood up to walk and realised quite quickly that lying on a nearby bench was probably the best move as the world started swimming around me and nausea rose up.

Lying there on the bench, I was reflecting with my friend the irony of our conversation only minutes earlier. She had been reflecting on a conversation with her child, where her child had divulged that she never shows her true feelings to her friends. I could resonate with that, as I tend not to display vulnerability.

In fact it’s my growth edge at the moment. At the heart of it is self-protection, over the course of my life I developed mechanisms, such as judgment and perfectionism, to guard myself from feeling vulnerable, being hurt, or losing control. There’s also an internal battle going on between the part of me that is hypervigilant and defensive (protecting me from harm) and the part that is expansive, allowing, and creative. I know that opening up, being more vulnerable and compassionate, and embracing empathy will lead to a more harmonious relationships, but my inner critic and sentry is still in full force, driven by past patterns and fear of those repeating.

There’s no doubt that the fall was a wake up call to take the time to calm my nervous system. I had gotten into hyper mode lately, trying to sort out support for my kids’ needs at school and emotionally, while also trying to prepare for and navigate some formal negotiations, alongside the usual running of a household, evening school commitments and holding space for my next career moves. I just need to slow it all down a bit. 

While the part of me that is on high alert and hypervigilant serves a real purpose— protecting us from perceived threats or harm, it’s a natural defense mechanism designed to keep us safe – in my case it’s on overdrive, causing unnecessary stress, anxiety, and strain in situations where such intense vigilance is not needed. For more harmonious and fulfilling relationships, there’s a need to gradually integrate this protective mechanism with a softer, more compassionate, and accepting part of me.

This experience reminded me how easy it is to get swept up in the busyness of life, overextending ourselves and losing sight of the need to care for our well-being. We often fall into patterns of hypervigilance, constantly striving to protect ourselves from harm or control every aspect of our lives. But sometimes, these protective mechanisms become overbearing, leading to unnecessary stress and tension.

Perhaps this fall was a nudge to slow down, embrace vulnerability, and allow space for a more balanced, compassionate approach to life. As you reflect on your own journey, consider where you might be running on overdrive. Are there areas in your life where you're holding on too tightly, trying to protect yourself from perceived threats? What might happen if you let go, even just a little, and allowed yourself to be more open, more vulnerable, and more at ease?

Maybe it’s time to slow down, breathe deeply, and take in the proverbial roses—or in my case, the sea air.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Finding Balance: Making Big Changes Through Small Steps in a Complex Life, Making Room to Reflect – Why Processing Time Matters, The Art of Learning to Have and Hold Boundaries Healthily When Healing From Trauma Responses and Finding Your Balance. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

It has been thirty years since I was diagnosed with panic disorder; it was a major turning point in my life for many reasons. I was fresh out of university, struggling to find my path in life. Juggling three jobs, I was involved in an unhealthy relationship, after having my heart broken the year before, and had been involved in a car accident that led to another critical experience in my life on the witness stand in court.

One day, while sitting on a bus en route to meet my boyfriend at the time, I experienced (what I now know to be) a severe panic attack. I felt like my heart was going to explode and there was a vice-like sensation around my head. Desperate for air, I got off the bus and walked several miles to my destination. This episode left a lasting memory, particularly of lying in a cold dark cupboard at my boyfriend’s office for two hours before he could leave work. Once home, I was in bed for days with chest pains and nausea.

Trips to the doctor resulted in misdiagnosis and multiple courses of antibiotics, leading to bouts of candidiasis. I was at home for months, with very low energy and unable to work because every time I ventured out anywhere significant I’d get these episodes like I’d had on the bus. Without the internet, I turned to self-help books and tried an anti-candida diet inspired by Dee McCaffrey’s work on nutrition. I had wondered whether I might have myalgic encephalomyelitis (ME), otherwise then known as chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS), which is a serious and often long-lasting illness that keeps people from doing their usual activities.

A significant breakthrough came when a psychiatrist finally diagnosed my panic attacks. As I reflected on it back in 2019, in Want Better Health? Be Shrewd About Stress, this was back in the early 1990s, panic attacks were often dismissed as overreactions. And while ME and CFS are now recognised by the World Health Organisation, both being classified as diseases of the nervous system, neither were recognised as illnesses back then by “orthodox” medicine, and the psychiatrist had been rather scathing about this despite noting I was “clearly highly intelligent”.

Nevertheless, I discovered Christine Ingham’s book Panic Attacks which explained the anatomy of panic attacks and how to invoke the parasympathetic nervous system to switch out of fight-or-flight mode, leading to my recovery. I still recommend that book to others today.

Following my diagnosis, there was a trail of correspondence between the psychiatrist, the referring doctor at the hospital, and my regular doctor and I. As I wondered this week whether the impressions I was left with from that time reflected the reality, I dug out the correspondence and ran it through an AI engine, asking for an impression of the attitudes involved as a neutral observer.

Overall, it pegged the psychiatrist as being critical, judgmental, condescending and dismissive, with implied superiority. However, while I took it entirely personally at the time, I think the psychiatrist’s derision was pointed partly at the referring doctor (to whom his letter was written) for encouraging any notion of ME. He had taken “the unusual step” of copying me in, in an attempt to improve communications between me and my various medical advisors”. Unsurprisingly, it actually achieved the opposite.

Given that correspondence and my regular doctor’s response – which the AI noted as having an offhand attitude and making condescending remarks – I hadn’t been left with a false impression all those years ago. It fuelled an even greater determination to manage my own health, and out of it was born a stronger advocate for a more holistic approach to health.

This remains my attitude, but with it now is the desire to create a vision of a different future. It’s funny to think that the prevailing attitude I came across 30 years ago is but just a moment in time. What we think of as standard medical care changes constantly. My daughter was asking about convalescence hospitals, as there are a few old ones, now museums, which can be visited around New Zealand.

In my parent’s era, it was more common for people to be sent to one of those, rest and fresh air were a common prescription (and still the most sensible in many cases) but these days it’s all about micro surgeries and being in and out of hospital and back at work as fast as possible.

Nick Polizzi’s docu-series Remedy presents quite a compelling and concise history of healing that also explains why so many of us are feeling polarized around (what we refer to as) the conventional healthcare system in the western world. For many, it just isn’t cutting it.

So what is the alternative? It is a topic close to my heart. In the decades since that diagnosis I’ve been researching many aspects of health and healthcare in order to manage my own health and, in more recent years, that of my children.

Much of the last decade has been focused on raising them and learning more about developmental and inherited trauma, as I applied this to my own healing. I started my kids on homeopathic treatment at age 4 and 2. Before this, both had multiple prescriptions for antibiotics, but they haven’t needed any since.

My children are also no strangers to chiropractic care, predominantly to maintain a healthy nervous system, which also affects the immune system, and to ensure proper posture to prevent future issues. They are chronically out of alignment from sitting at school desks all day and using devices at other times. Overall though, apart from seasonal colds and flus – which are part of the body’s natural process – their health and well-being have greatly improved from a more holistic approach.

Along the way I’ve tried and come across many alternative approaches to health, and it’s the stories of those practitioners and their clients that interest me. I am in the process of starting to more formally research the varying approaches to healthcare around the world, in Western societies and beyond, to curate stories, investigate similarities and weave together the commonalities and create a vision for our future healthcare.

Imagine our current orthodox healthcare systems as a building on the right. I’m not interested in taking on that renovation project. Instead, I envision drawing a picture of an entirely different building on the left and bringing it to life with stories of places that already embody this vision. I see myself bringing people together, weaving ideas, spotting patterns, collaborating, and lending insight through my writing.

Reflecting on my journey, I’ve recently realized just how my career and life experiences have uniquely equipped me for the task of researching and creating such a vision. My background in driving sustainable strategic people change, managing large teams and complex projects, and aligning business objectives with cultural transformation has provided me with invaluable skills and insights in understanding what it takes to create systemic changes.

I’m always interested in people’s stories, and I’d love to hear from you if or someone you know can point me in the direction of people and organizations out there who are doing things more holistically. If you have a story to share or an organisation you admire for its different approach, please get in touch. Let's weave together a vision for a healthcare system that truly serves us all.

In my 2019 article, I emphasized the importance of taking personal responsibility for our health. There isn't a one-size-fits-all solution for everyone; instead, we each need to find what feels right for us at any given time. I echo the same now.

I encourage you to reflect on your own journey and consider how your experiences have shaped your approach to health and well-being. What insights have you gained along the way? How have these experiences influenced your understanding of what it means to live fully? Share your stories and thoughts, and let's learn from each other's paths as we work towards a more holistic vision for our future. Embrace life fully, recognizing the finite nature of our time here, and reclaim your power—your autonomy over your body, mind, and spirit. By doing so, you can live more authentically and richly.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Listening to the Signs – My Road to Health, You Have Amazing Options When it comes to Healthcare, Tuning In to Our Children’s Health (page 64) and Wake Up to the Truth About Healthcare and Healing. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

Talking to a friend about their career, they were saying how they’ve really changed tact these last few years. Whereas they used to be who they felt was expected of them in their role, now they bring much more of themselves to the workplace and feel happier to walk away (if there is a mismatch in expectations) and happier overall.

At the same time I saw a podcast interviewing Chip Conley about reclaiming our middle years as a time of regenerative possibilities “a time to activate our capacities for renewal and let our souls lead the dance”.  Certainly it’s common to go through life with aspirations to get good grades, get a good job, meet the love of your life and have children… only for many to discover they still feel unfulfilled – whether they were successful in those things or not.

Then I noticed something along a similar theme when reading about the New Moon on 9 February, which was reminding me that the only expectations I need to live up to are my own. Having felt the weight of having to perform for people in my life at various points – to act the way they wanted me to act – there’s a chance to shed the layers of pretence and connect with my inner truth.

Now whether someone is in their midlife years, or whether there’s a New Moon, does not negate the point. In fact, I very much hope my children grow up knowing how to dance to the beat of their own drum, but I also know the many ways in which they are expected to conform and where those voices in my head that I now contend with also came from.

I noticed a good friend taking some time out to play an online game after we had lunch together one day, whereas I had gotten on with some work. When I asked about it, they just casually said they were having a moment of downtime. I realised right there how prevalent the narrative in my head is about the need to be productive – or perhaps even moreso – the desire to be seen to be productive.

The same is true when I’m talking to people, or writing for an audience, I am often trying to watch for any words, phrase or references that might put people off. Why? I mean, I don’t want to offend people, but if I talk about something that puts someone off – New Moon’s may be a case in point – then really they’re not my kind of people.

And the more I trying to appeal to a broader range of people, the more I continue to perpetuate the myth that I don’t fit in, or don’t belong.

How did it all begin? As it does for most of us, in childhood, trying to please parents, teachers, coaches etc, because those people were critical to my survival back then, so the neural pathways and patterns started to form. Preferring harmony, I mainly acted the way others wanted because it was easier to go along with it than create confrontation.

However, feeling like I always have to be “on” for others leads to a disconnect from my authentic self, it creates anxiety and unease.

Coming back to the New Moon energies for me this week, it has the capacity to amplify any hidden negative feelings about my work that could be compromising my potential for success. While astrology isn’t predictive (it simply gives us an understanding of the influences at play, it’s then up to us how we use that energy) this is a theme that has been coming up for me a lot in recent weeks.

It went on to say the wisest words:

“The only way you can change the things you’re unhappy about is by acknowledging them and being clear about what it is that needs to change. It’s so much easier to work with things that are in your field of awareness rather than having them subconsciously sabotaging your life.”

“Gosh” I thought, “this is exactly what I’ve been trying to teach the kids lately”. They came home tetchy with each other one day and it quickly became clear there was some misdirected anger going on. The things that were triggering are things that would normally wash over. I asked “Is there something bugging you that you don’t feel able to talk about?”

As young adolescents, they haven’t yet quite developed the cognitive processing capacity to name the nuances of how they are feeling. And they most definitely don’t want to betray others by breaking confidences or sharing the details of sensitive information, nor would I expect them to.

However I do want them to learn to recognise when they feel bad, and where they are feeling it in their body. And to take an active part in feeling into and releasing that feeling whether through writing, drawing, dancing, sport – anything that allows them some creative expression rather than squashing everything down.

What I’ve learned over the years is that ignored, suppressed and denied emotions tend to come out sidewards – whether through sibling fights or overreacting to friends’ comments, sleepless nights, limited attention spans or getting sick, to name a few. It’s much healthier to encourage them to work through things and to lead by example.

So while serendipitously prompted by various conversations and a bit of astrological information, I know it’s important for me to look at my own unhealthy patterns, the things that are making me feel bad because I’m in some way compromising and suppressing the true me. The constant need to “look like I’m productive” and to “fit in” are just examples that are active within me right now.

Both are examples I became conscious of quite some time ago and have already consciously worked on many times. Creating new neural pathways – especially ones that kick in as an alternative to those well worn ones from childhood that are associated with our flight and fight response – is an ongoing practice.

What patterns and expectations are you carrying from the past? Embrace the wisdom of acknowledging and clarifying what needs to change. Share your reflections with someone you trust or journal them.  Let’s collectively move towards a space where authenticity takes precedence over society’s expectations.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Normal Is Dysfunctional That Is the Growth Opportunity, Expand Your Emotional Vocabulary to Get Your Real Needs Met, Here Is How to Recognise and Overcome Your True Fears, Who Are You? Introduce the Remarkable Human Behind the Roles You Play and Make the Choice to Feel Better About Yourself and Your Life. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

Sometimes there is just no getting around it, one task at a time, one way or another, I just have to roll up my sleeves and get stuck in.

And if I have to knuckle down to some tasks or work I’d rather not be doing, then the messages that have really been reinforced to me this week are:

• Sense check the work is aligned with my goals or aspirations. Does it reflect who I am now and who I want to become?
• Take the time to consider the choices I have first. Is this a task that actually needs to happen? By when? By who?
• If I am doing something for someone else on a regular basis that they are perfectly capable of doing themselves, then stop, it is keeping us both small
• Work on things I’m most passionate about as we tend to excel most when the hard work is meaningful and enjoyable to us
• If I must do things I don’t enjoy, try and learn something from them so I can grow
• When I have choices, do something that excites me, something I would do even if it doesn’t pay money
• Look before I leap, take a breath before taking action, do work in the quantum field of my imagination, visualizing what I want as an end result before wading in

The last time I had to enter the rental market was in 2006 when I arrived here in my new country. Back then I could just walk into a rental agency, the agent showed me four or five properties that met my criteria, and I chose the one that I loved.

The one I chose represented so many aspects of the benefits of moving here at that time, larger homes and gardens were standard back then, compared to the high density housing of the UK. So, while it wasn’t lavish, I relished having a home with the kind of space I could only have dreamed of living in before I emigrated.

These days everything is online and every advert says “do not text or call”. There is a link to press if you’d like to view a property, another if you’d like to put an application in. Neither of these appears to gain instant traction, so a steep learning curve has ensued.

Although I rent my current property, I just sort of fell into it through a friend. While I am grateful for that, it ticked all our boxes at the time - it was a safe and tidy place to live without having to wade through the arduous and competitive processes of the market itself – it doesn’t really reflect who we are now.

As I thought back to my experiences of 2006, I reflected on the rental I took then and realised I have the same opportunity now to be discerning and look for a place that represents the “us” that we are growing into. Despite the competition, I’ve realised that – while the market is moving quickly and properties are getting snapped up - there are also fresh properties coming online every week.

A lot of my personal growth journey has been about looking before I leap, taking a breath before taking action, doing work in the quantum field of my mind, visualizing what I want as an end result before wading in, but there comes a time when the work has to be done.

I don’t need to jump at just anywhere this red hot second though, there are more properties becoming available each week in the area I want to move to, and I have a great rental and credit record, no pets, so I should be a solid candidate for the places I apply to.

Therefore, with my gran’s words “what’s for you won’t go by you” in my mind, there’s probably a few weeks to sift through various options. There’s a real chance to get into the kind of place I really feel at home in, somewhere that not only feels safe and comfortable, but that I love, and provides the space to grow into the next stage of our journey.

I have had to do a quick study of the market, learn the art of renting afresh and I have to make full applications for places just in order to get a viewing. In itself, that hasn’t been fun. But, as I learned from Annette Noontil years ago, if you must do things you don’t enjoy, try and learn something from them so you can grow.

This is what I also taught my kids a few years ago about overwhelming tasks, like emptying the dishwasher when they are tired, just start somewhere and keep doing one thing at a time, they soon learned the art of stacking and unloading to best effect.

And the other thing Annette taught me was that if I’m doing something for someone else on a regular basis that they are perfectly capable of doing themselves, kids included, then stop. Doing other people’s responsibilities isn’t doing them a favour, it is stifling them and prohibiting their growth.

But in this case, finding a home is my responsibility and it is as overwhelming as it is meaningful, so this last week has been about just jumping in and starting somewhere, and I’ve learned a lot.

Coincidently, despite seventeen years having passed, and me moving a three-hour drive from where I originally located in 2006, much to my surprise I came across that very same agent here renting properties. I took this as a good omen.

So not only have a knuckled down to a task I dreaded, I’m actually now quite excited about the possibilities it affords.

I also read a reminder this week encouraging me to work on things I’m most passionate about as we tend to excel most when the hard work is meaningful and enjoyable to us. Where we live is most definitely meaningful to us and, I was also thinking about a young family member of mine struggling with subjects they’ve chosen at school, to which this equally applies.

I think about the choices my own kids will make in the coming years and I say “Find something that excites you, something you would do even if it doesn’t pay money. This is the way you become the best at what you do, then people can’t help but pay you for your work.”

Sure, sometimes there are tasks we just have to knuckle down to because of the outcomes we want, but taking the time to consider the choices we have first is critical to our future happiness.

What tasks are you doing – or about to do – that you might not enjoy? Check if they align with your goals, assess their necessity and priority, delegate when possible, learn from disliked tasks, prioritize passions, choose excitement over monetary gain, and visualize outcomes before acting.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Give Yourself Permission to Live Life in Alignment With Your True Nature, You Know What’s Best for You, So Stop Giving Your Power Away, Live ‘what is’ – Choose This Moment, An Open Letter to an Old Friend and Switch Focus to Get Unstuck. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

A friend of mine recently set an intention to take exquisite care of herself, and that word exquisite really grabbed my attention: its meaning pertains to something extremely beautiful and intensely felt. I love it because it sets the bar far higher than a general statement about taking care of oneself.

Since it was mentioned last week I’ve been sitting with the idea, and yesterday I got a true taste of what it really means for me. In short, the more I take care of myself on all levels, the more grateful I feel, and then I feel lighter, happier and am more focused and productive with less effort.

For the first time in a long while I had a massage booked in and, as I was driving to my appointment, I began to appreciate just what a beautiful day it was. The sun was out and the sky was cobalt blue, an aberration in the midst of an otherwise rainy week.

Driving along I noticed how green the hills around me looked and I started to talk to my body (in my head) as if it were another person. I expect a lot of my body and so I was thanking it for all that it holds for me and apologizing I hadn’t been for a massage in some time. As I lay on the massage table, I tuned into my body and the hour that followed was most definitely a practice in appreciation for the very apparent strain and tension that I had put upon my body and was now being unwound.

I know that a lot of that strain and tension doesn’t just come from the physical expectations I put on myself, but also the mental and emotional pressures that accumulate in various places throughout my body. As such, I try to be mindful of the foods I’m eating, the environments I put myself in and the thoughts and feelings I entertain.

My friend was asking me about how to stop the constant churning and spiraling of thoughts that go through our heads at busy or stressful times. I’m most definitely not immune to those, but find it has really helped me to be able to disassociate myself from those thoughts and become a curious observer of them.

This is a skill definitely made easier having practiced meditation regularly for a number of years, but starting with journaling is also a good tool, or anything out in nature where I can connect with Earth’s natural rhythms. All of that helps me become conscious of my thoughts and more curious about them. I’ve got enough experience to know that my thoughts and, therefore, feelings, directly correlate to which part of me is currently in the driving seat, and I have enough wisdom to know I can switch drivers.

Over the weekend I had gotten into a bit of a spiral with my favourite person to hang out with being temporarily in another continent and time zone. I knew it wouldn’t serve me to stay in a funk about it, and in many ways I was relishing some focused me-time. I took a moment to notice the gap I was feeling, I talked about it briefly with some friends, wrote about it in my journal, and really felt into and explored what was going on for me.

In my inner work over the years I’ve dealt with abandonment trauma and how it has showed up in my life in various ways, and spent the time needed in integrating those experiences within my psyche so these situations don’t continue to throw me for a loop. While this was a much healthier situation, there were definitely shades of those old feelings rising up, so I took the time to acknowledge them and get myself into a better space.

However, after my massage, I was far from unhelpful thoughts spiraling, quite the opposite. I was basking in appreciation of such an exquisite massage and thought I’d take advantage of that momentum and headed to the beach for a walk.

Because I was in such a good place mentally, emotionally and physically, I was able to really take in and appreciate the beauty of my surroundings and all the people, birds and dogs that were also sharing that space. While my walks on the beach are also a regular practice in appreciation for me, there are times when my energy isn’t quite so open and expansive; I’m sometimes there simply in need of a big breath of fresh air.

However, yesterday’s walk was exquisite. I was warm, protected against any sun damage, and able to walk freely alongside the ocean and appreciate the sparkling sunlight dancing on the waves, and the sea as it rushed in over my feet a number of times. As I looked out to the horizon I saw the island one of my children’s classes will soon be camping on, and imagined how lovely it will be in such glorious weather.

I left a voice drop for my favourite person telling them what I appreciate about having them in my life, and how much I’m looking forward to reconnecting when they return. But I also appreciate how much life has given each of us in the time apart; it truly has been a blessing in many ways.

Things had aligned yesterday to such an extent that I even had time for swim at my local outdoor pool later on with my friend. It really was a beautiful day that filled me up in so many ways. When I sat down to do some creative, yet technical, work I’d been putting off for a long time, it flowed with more clarity and ease than I could have hoped for.
When I awoke this morning, a daily calendar reminder flashed up to jog my memory to take a moment to tune into what receiving feels like, and to appreciate the decisions I’ve made that support my wellbeing. Immediately yesterday’s experiences came to mind (and were felt in my body)  and with ease I added so many more things to my list.

As I reflect, I can see that there are times I am simply in rescue mode. I take my beach walks or go for a swim because it’s all I can do in that moment to simply show up. What I get out of these things is often a much needed out-breath, but the more present I can be to the practice of appreciating things like my body, my situation, my people, my surroundings and my own wellbeing, the more exquisite care I can take of me and them.

What about you, what do you do to take care of yourself and is it exquisite? How can you adopt an extremely beautiful and intensely felt approach to self care in your life so that you feel lighter, happier, more open yet more focused and productive with less effort?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Self Care – When You Should Put Your Needs First, Start With the Self and the Rest Will Take Care of Its-Self, Why Do Some People Seem so Self Absorbed and Not Care About Others?, Make Choices That Will Have the Most Positive Impact in Your Life and Meditation – the Cornerstone to Your Success. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

One of the book’s Dr Gabor Mate has written is called When the Body Says No. I saw a short post by Organisational Psychologist Lisa Zigarmi last week that sums up the premise quite well, she said:

"We often forget that there is a whole other intelligence system available to us outside our minds. It's called the body. When making choices, leaders can forget to consult other intelligence systems like their body and emotions. These elegant systems are constantly ready to give us meaningful information, if we're open to listening. Modern conditioning has made leading a thinking-only endeavor. What if you heeded your body and emotional data too? Could you make more accurate decisions or aligned choices?”

While Gabor presents the reader with examples and evidence that relates to quite serious and chronic illness that results from continually ignoring these elegant systems, these days I appreciate the wisdom in listening far sooner than I have in the past.

At the moment I’m oversees with my children, visiting family and friends that they have only once met before in their lives and, even then, under rather sad circumstances. Aside of being long past overdue on connecting in with these wonderful people and places myself, I wanted my kids to know this side of their family and gain a deeper sense of their heritage.

However, after an extremely busy ten days – a holiday within the holiday – I am wrung out. A run of check-in’s/checkout’s, cheerleading my tired kids though a few tours, navigating unfamiliar transport systems, and a whole lot of driving, I have a sore head from all the tight muscles around my shoulders and neck, and frankly feel a bit nauseas.

As I woke up this morning and, as happens when arriving back from a holiday (even when it’s within another holiday), was confronted by many things I need to do, I groaned and realised it’s time to make some decisions because I can’t do it all; and certainly not all at once.

Although I only have a week left before I head back to the land I now call home, my body is saying “please relax, slow down, and take some time for some self care”.

So rather than shoe horn in many more things I would like to do, and many more catch ups with the people I have so enjoyed reconnecting with, I have to admit that we are all tired and –even if we left today - we have actually had a wonderful trip that has already met the expectations and desires that I had for it.

And as I sat here reflecting on what lessons I’d learned this week, and thinking “gosh I’d better get typing as I haven’t missed a week’s reflection in over eight years” I realised that this too is playing its part in the overwhelm, which is not its purpose.

So this week is short and sweet, I recognise these days that I can’t do everything and don’t want to. I want to make choices that will have the most positive impact on my (and my children’s) lives. What I’m choosing is a nice family lunch and a therapeutic massage tomorrow, as well as giving myself a few days to get through the things that will have to happen in order for my kids and I to travel home next week – rather than trying to get it all done now.

What about you? Are you busy trying to push through, or are you taking the time to tune into your body and emotions and really consider the choices that will have the most positive impact on your life overall?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Your Mind Will Try to Protect You By Resisting Your Healthy Boundaries, Walking the Line – When to Make Decisions for Our Kids, Who Cares How You Feel? and Stay or Go? Awesome Ways to Make a Breakthrough.  To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

For those of us who tend to worry about what others think, whether we will or have upset someone, whether the work we have done is or was or will be good enough, whether we are, in fact, good enough in ourselves – whether we are worthy, deserving beings of others’ time, attention or admiration – perhaps it is time to turn the tables and ask ourselves that question: is this (person/situation) good enough for me?

Lost in another captivating Tracey Rees novel this week, I read those words as one character challenged another to ask herself that question in every moment of a date she was going on. The challenge dropped into my psyche the way just the right lens does when the optometrist is doing a refraction test and suddenly everything on the board in front of me becomes very clear.

An old acquaintance read one of my musings this week and encouraged me to keep following my heart. They believe that by doing so, this makes the world a better place, as do I. It reminded me of one of the dimensions of compatibility that Briana MacWilliam talks about on her courses – having unconditional regard for another person.

She defines this as having appreciation for someone because you believe in who they are, regardless of what they give you. And you believe that in simply being who they are, they contribute to the good of humankind and you like being around their energy.

I can honestly say that this is a quality I look for and attract in most friendships, yet, I’ve allowed its absence in many of my romantic relationships. As I’ve mentioned a few times recently, it’s our subconscious mind that is in charge of our instant biochemical attraction to someone.

As it is much more primal and in charge of our emotions, this allows us to become attracted to people who fit its definition of love, which is largely driven by what it felt like to be at home (in childhood) and be around our siblings and parents growing up.

Most of us experienced conditional love that has painful associations that then lie at the root of problems in our love relationships.  We might subconsciously form the belief that love hurts, that it’s a roller-coaster, or that it’s a chase. Or we might be conditioned to expect let down, or have low standards for how people show up for us in our lives. 

I always felt growing up that life is far more relative than the absolute rights and wrongs I was taught. And that those rules were shaping me into someone that was not entirely me, and pressing parts of me into an oblivion that I have slowly started to uncover and unravel as life has taught me some harsh lessons.

Often in romantic relationships I’ve perhaps unsurprisingly attracted people who also wanted me to fit their shape of what was right for them and – perhaps because I was used to doing it – that is what I often did. I still catch myself doing it at times and then I rebel in all sorts of covert ways, maybe in being overly analytical, psychoanalyzing people and situations in order to understand and cope with them.

Not so long ago I found myself apologizing to a friend who, in other circumstances, may have been more of a romantic relationship. But I had found myself psychoanalyzing their situation uninvited and it was creating resentment. The truth was I was probably doing it because I had become resentful of the energy imbalance in the relationship; I was overinvested and insecure, giving too much, and trying to rationalise out the imbalance.

In other words, I was not receiving what I needed from the relationship so I was feeling that I was not good enough and doubling down my efforts to be more, do more, give more. All this instead of presencing my needs, taking the reaction to that as information about whether and how to proceed with the relationship, and recognizing that it was not good enough for me in the form it had taken.

Old habits die hard, but when I read that question and asked whether this relationship was good enough for me, I realised straight away that it is not, and the many ways in which I’d given away my own boundaries in a repeat of the times previously when I’d unconsciously followed the same pattern.

This isn’t about assigning absolute levels of worthiness to individual beings, it’s about wherever they are/the situation is in relation to my priories and needs. We are all different and inherently worthy, it’s simply about finding a match rather than trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.

I have to say, relationships are both an art and science, and they can’t be forced. It would be like forcing a flower to open, destroying its beauty in the process.

Yes it is hard to walk away from something that is a part match, because those parts that are compatible and do feel good are alluring for a time. But as Glennon Doyle says, once we imagine more for ourselves there is no going back; to stay is to become bitter and sick and live in quiet desperation.

This is as applicable in romantic relationships as it is in a career, or any close friendship or relationship. If I haven’t been clear about what my needs are, that is down to me to presence them, but understanding that it is no one’s duty to meet them, that is their choice.

I am now committed to a path where, if I’ve presented my needs, and that situation or person cannot or will not meet them, then it is up to me to reposition that relationship accordingly (for example, a potential mate may become a friend or an acquaintance, a potential career may become a short consulting assignment etc) or walk away.

So ask yourself, if you worry about what others think, whether you will or have upset someone, whether the work you have done is or was or will be good enough, whether you are, in fact, good enough in yourself, what covert ways do you go about getting your needs met? And how does this usually work out for you? Perhaps it is time to turn the tables and ask yourself that question: is this (person/situation) good enough for me?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy  I Am Enough, Trust That It’s Absolutely Okay to Not Know Where You’re Going, How Do You Know When You Are the Best and Highest Version of Yourself?, Which Dimensions of Compatibility Are Most Important to You?  and How to Appreciate Our Differences Enough to Admire and Want to Embrace Them. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I was drawn by a simple exercise this week, when asked “What did it feel like to be at home (in childhood) and what did it feel like to be around your siblings and parents growing up?” The output of this is our subconscious definition of love, of what feels normal for “home”.

In her article on Why Relationships Hurt, Teal Swan says “If you really think about it, I bet you could come up with a description of what your perfect relationship would feel like. The relationship you consciously want would be unconditionally loving and supportive, intimate and fun. But no matter what you do, you can’t find that relationship. It’s like you are cursed. You keep ending up with partners who make you feel, unloved, unsupported, undervalued, unseen and stressed”.

She makes the point that it’s our subconscious mind, the one that is in charge of our instant biochemical attraction to someone, which is much more primal and in charge of our emotions, which only allows us to become attracted to someone who fits its definition of love. “For many of us” she says “home was a mix of good feelings and bad feelings, but it’s the painful associations that we have with home that cause the problems in our love relationships”. 

I have had a plaque up on my bookcase for a few years that says “Home is our haven, a happy place where we are supported and encouraged, a place where we are loved and can love” so I always knew what my perfect relationship would look like. But certainly going through Teal’s exercise and then looking back at the past and present relationships where there was/is emotional attachment, specifically the negative qualities, the truth of Teal’s premise quickly revealed itself.

She says that becoming aware of our emotional drives is the first step towards becoming vigilant about the partners we choose, and it clears up the confusion we feel in our current relationships by allowing us to see the dynamics for what they are. The more awareness we have about something, the easier it is to make changes according to that expanded awareness.

Recently I have been mentally and emotionally tussling over a close friend who really struggles to express their feelings about anything or anyone, they are what could be termed emotionally unavailable.

It is unusual for me to have friends like this, more often my friend space is the one in which I’ve always taken my emotions to be untangled and brought into awareness, especially close friends. However, this friendship involves some of that biochemical attraction and thus has the potential to be rather entangled.

As I have learned more about healthy boundaries these last few years, one of the key things that sticks with me from Terri Cole’s teachings is her concept of the VIP (very important people) area at your metaphorical table. It’s about placing people “at your table” according to the levels of trust, intimacy and attention they have earned.

Now that was a new concept to me. Family members and those people I had developed love relationships with (based on our biochemical attraction) were historically granted automatic access to the VIP area without any thought to earning trust or healthy boundaries whatsoever.

So it has been an interesting experience to review all my past and present close relationships through a lens of more conscious awareness of the painful associations I have with “home” that cause the problems in my love life.

Specifically a pattern that creates a familiar ache to me is that of attracting emotionally unavailable people. This involves me on a quest to get that person to trust and love me enough that they feel safe to express their true feelings. And then, rather contradictorily, I want those people to see and nurture the real me rather than continue to treat me as a well they drain in order to fill themselves up.

Another friend of mine, who also has a history of over giving in relationships and then left feeling, unseen, undervalued and disrespected, was also likening our love relationships to wells that we try to fill with our love and knowing so that ultimately we can finally see the reflection of our self in those waters i.e. that we are seeking validation through giving to others.

Whereas, being attracted to those wells because of their potential rather than the reality is like sitting on the edges, shouting down encouraging instructions towards the switches that will surely fill their wells, but they simply just flap around in the bottom like a fish out of water, and we pour our love in anyway.

In our conscious knowing my friend and I agree this is unrealistic, unfair and unnecessary because, when we need no one to fill our cup, we stop going to the well. There is no need for someone to do x so I can feel y. That's the point we say "this isn't a compatible match" and move on rather than trying to keep flogging the same looking for a different response.

My friend and I, deep thinkers as we are, also took this into the arena of the degree to which someone is self contained versus dependant on others. But we agreed that, in general terms, the human experience is designed for interdependence, we see ourselves relationally through others and are wired for connection and security in those relationships for our survival.

Her view is that healthy may look something more like “Unless I can see that your well is full and plentiful, I ask nothing of you, because I realise how unfair of me it is to show up in all of my ability to know, and expect you to reach the same knowing as me, so that I can drink from your well”. We both also agree it’s important therefore to fill our own wells rather than expecting someone else to.

For me this has been a journey of self awareness and self respect. Using my knowing to fill up my own well with commitment to self care (which translates in my life as things like regular meditation, swims, beach walks, yoga, reading and so forth) and self respect (which has been about increasing self awareness, committing to self growth, defining and learning to hold boundaries, and learning to pick and choose where – and if – people sit at my table). 

Consciously moving people to different positions at my table has been a process of deciding how much of my personal thoughts and feelings I share with them, how often I interact with them and in what ways, and – in some cases – stopping any interaction at all. This hasn’t and isn’t always an easy process, but it is necessary and empowering, it is what strengthens my new found self respect and self love which – ultimately – attracts more of the kinds of people I consciously want in my life and the home I wish to create.

So who is sitting in the VIP area in your life right now? Are they people who are draining your well and causing you pain? Or are they the kind of people who enhance your feeling of wellness, who amplify all the best parts of you and your experience? And what can you do today to start shifting towards that more positive dynamic?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy When Life Sends You Love Go Follow Your Destiny, You Deserve Kindness, Should We Abandon Happiness as the Impossible Dream? What or Who Reminds You of How Good it Feels to Feel Good? and Surrender to Your Inner Self.  To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

A couple of friends and I were discussing our health this week, and I was reflecting how much better I had felt these last few years since deliberately undertaking a healing journey to address the migraines, kidney stones, crazy menstrual symptoms and a few more chronic issue issues that seemed to plague me.

One of my friends said “I credit Anne (my osteopath) for that; she was the one who quietly challenged you to put yourself and your health first”. As I reflected on it, she was right, Anne had been the gentle messenger that seemed to speak directly to a part of me that knew she was right and could broker no disagreement.

The key here are the words quiet and gentle.

Anne is neither confrontational and nor does she go around-the-houses; she just quietly and gently says things like “I think your body would really appreciate if it got some regular movement” and “I think your body might appreciate a break from sugar and wheat”. 

These weren’t random or generic health recommendations, they were things that I had been periodically considering and waylaying for some time, probably at those moments when I would hear what my body was trying to communicate and my mind would quickly file in the “to do later” basket due to the constant feeling of overwhelm.

However, hearing them reflected from the outside and given a voice had a big impact, and led to me taking up swimming again and also switching out my diet to foods I know work better for me several years ago now.

I’m not saying these things were the root cause of all my ailments, it’s simply what my body needed in order to stay steady on the course and not spring any more leaks, so to speak. She was also the person to whom I turned when I was looking for a homeopath, and that led me to Heilkunst and trauma therapy, which is what has really got into the meat of addressing a lot of these ailments that I no longer experience.

While the same recommendations had come from other sources at other times, what cut through was Anne’s ability to connect with and recognise the quiet whisperings of my body’s needs and desires without engaging my mind.

My mind noticed, it even attempted – rather lamely – to list some excuses, but within minutes of leaving the appointments I would already know it had lost the battle and now was the time to take inspired action.

I find there are many different voices within me, often fighting to be heard. Some of the most poignant words that demonstrate this were spoken in Our Warring Self Versus Our Infinite Self by Sarah Blondin. Sarah is another person who is able, in her own quiet and gentle way, to speak directly to the soul’s yearning. I guess that is because what she shares through her podcasts and meditations is just that, her own deep conversations with her inner being.

She describes “our warring self” as “The part of you that hides under the surface, that surprises you when she shows her teeth. The part you deny, push away, pretend does not live there. She is your darkness, the one who dwells in the shallow waters of your being. She is in every one of us. She rides up on the back of your righteous ego, she feeds on ideas that you deserve more, better, different. She lurks in the thoughts and emotions that keep you small. Such intensity and emotion is powerful, palpable; weak in root but alluring in force.”

Conversely, “our infinite self” she describes as “The soft one, tender, always tender. She comes when you ask for help. She comes when you fill your lungs with a conscious breath. She is able to withstand the storms. She catches the furious pain of others, the difficult experiences you face, the things that make you want to fight, and she cradles them, swaddles them in unconditional love over and over. She is the bottomless source of light and love, she is your essence. Pure and wise she lives in your greatest depths”.

And then Sarah goes on to say “She is shelved beside the one who wars. They stand within you, both hands open, a choice. One serves where the other severs, one heals where the other wounds. It takes great strength and determination to choose the soft one when you are in the fire. Yet nothing will suffer more than you if you continue to choose war. They are two polar energies, forces living within you, a choice for you to make at every triggering moment in your life.”

I have given you a snapshot here of her words in this piece, but most poignantly she wraps up in saying “You are capable of being both but please choose wisely for the quality of your life and love depends on it”.

Like Sarah, I can hear the whisperings of my own body and soul when I allow my mind to be still enough to hear them.

In the year my mum slipped away from us with a sudden and aggressive cancer, I found solace in nature. Listening to the rustle of leaves, the twittering of birds, the rhythm of waves lapping on the shore, the solid assurity of tides coming in and tides going out, the sun setting, the sun rising, and the seasons coming and going. As much as the landscape of my world was changing with my mum slipping from the scene, so much went on.

This can seem cruel when losing a loved one, but it also provided somewhat of a solidity to keep going on myself. It was in those quiet moments in nature that everything from the sea to the clouds seemed to whisper quiet truths from my heart to my head, into conscious awareness, about everything from the nature of life and its meaning, to little actions that could make a difference for mum in her final days.

The same was true when the government here in New Zealand, who has only this week finally let go of COVID19 vaccine mandates, overstepped its reach last year and created a segregated society that displaced many of its critical workers, divided families and impinged on day to day lives in ways that I simply could not have imagined a year or so beforehand.

While not everyone could go to the local library to get out a book, swim at the local outdoor pool, go to university, learn to drive or meet friends at a cafe, everyone could still experience nature. And sure enough, while we lived in a world where the punitive actions did not match the evidence, the sun continued to come up and set each day, the tides kept coming in and out, the birds kept twittering and that solid backdrop of Mother Nature continued whispering messages when I connected in with it.

Whether it’s the kind and gentle words of a friend, or the words that seem to come on the wind rustling through leaves as you walk in the woods, the quiet whisperings of truth that inspire are well worth noticing, for they are the truths that inspire our best life.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Give Yourself Permission to Live Life in Alignment With Your True Nature, Rejoicing in Who You Are, Is Your Experience With Religion Stopping You Exploring Your Inner World?, Rediscovering the Language of Nature, Meditation – the Cornerstone to Your Success, Saying Goodbye, The Miracle of Water, and Taking Your Own Space. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

To some people it might be really obvious what emotions like resentment and frustration have to do with boundaries; to me, it wasn’t. I had never heard of healthy boundaries until a couple of years ago.
Boundaries can be defined by my personal happiness, desires, needs and personal truth.
 
Like many people growing up, I was allowed these things so long as they fit with the family and societal view of “the right way to do things”, which is to say I only felt I could be myself in so far as that fit with what others thought was okay. Anything that fell outside these parameters was considered anywhere from unsuitable to downright dangerous.
 
It has taken me a long time, and a lot of heartache and pain, to understand that who I am – my thoughts, feelings, beliefs, desires, values etc – is absolutely fine to be. In fact, not only is it fine, it is both necessary to my own wellbeing and to the complex contrast and symbiosis of all beings in our world.
 
But it takes a bit of sifting to figure out exactly who I am at times. That list I mentioned - my thoughts, feelings, beliefs, desires, values etc – is a real mix of my innate thoughts, feelings, beliefs, desires, values versus those I have learned. And to add further complexity it’s not at all always obvious which is which.
 
Last week, when I had been reading an article about building relationships in a paradigm of compatibility versus compromise, the bones of this sentence really stuck with me “When you build your relationships on the foundation of compatibility, you don’t believe in giving in when it comes to anything in a relationship that will cause you to feel resentment, frustration or pain; or that will compromise your sense of personal wellbeing”.
 
Having learned a fair degree of information about boundaries over the last couple of years, it struck me that these emotions are a good litmus test of both where my boundaries are and when they are not being honoured. I learned early on that anger is a sign of transgressed boundaries, but I wanted an early warning sign not an ambulance at the bottom of a cliff, and that sentence does a pretty good job of summing it up.
 
The thing I’ve really learned about boundaries is that they are mine to hold rather more than something other’s cross. Generally speaking, if I have and hold healthy boundaries then others don’t get the opportunity to stomp on them.
 
I worked through a great example of this on a course last weekend using a NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) technique for making changes at a fundamental level.
 
We were asked to think of something that kept triggering us, and the trainer had just been talking about a client who was in high avoidance when it came to dealing with letters and emails, she literally had hundreds and thousands of each unopened. It turned out the client had been through a nasty divorce in the past and, every time she received a nasty letter or email, she had what the trainer called an “unresourceful” emotional reaction – which eventually led to complete avoidance all together of opening any emails or letters.
 
With that example resonating for me, I looked at my own triggers around receiving unwelcome texts and emails. Another course participant took me through the logical levels, looking at the behaviours that typically accompanied the receipt of unwelcome texts and emails.
 
I could recognise the way my body behaved in reaction to these easily: outwardly I shut down, snapping at those who try to connect with me in that moment. Inwardly my mind starts swimming, my tummy clenches, my chest tightens, my throat constricts and my jaw tenses, sometimes I might start shaking. Then eventually I notice my head, neck and shoulders all ache as I am constantly ruminating and that leads to chronic headaches, migraines and other unwelcome health issues including kidney stones.  
 
These behaviours, all indicative of a dysregulated state, have of course become a habit over time. It is a learned response to unwelcome and chronic attempts of another to exert control, accusations, lies, blame and so forth. As a close friend of mine put it, it had become a habit to feel “terrified, angry and f#cked off” in these situations.
 
We then looked at the beliefs that sit beneath these habits and behaviours, which sound a bit like this is in my psyche: “this is a threat I need to keep under close watch at all times”, “they are trying to hurt me”, “this is a threat I have to respond to immediately”.
 
So this part of me, that believes these things and behaves in those ways, what does it value? It values safety, it values the truth. And who am I identifying as in that moment, what part of me is in the driving seat? The victim, I realise.
 
As Tony Robbins says “Inside of you, there are parts of you that are incredibly gracious and generous, but there is also a part that is selfish. We all have loving parts and not so loving parts, playful parts and boring parts, courageous parts and fearful parts”. Then he said poignantly “The real question is not Who are you? The real question is Which part of you is in charge right now?”

Identifying as a victim is clearly not a resourceful place to act from, so we worked from there, what identity would be more helpful? Empowered, it would be much more resourceful if I could put an empowered part of me in the driving seat in these situations.

So then I looked at what values the more empowered me holds. In that state, I value being intentional with my attention. I also value my truth and that of others, and I value my boundaries and those of others.

In terms of beliefs, in that more empowered state or identity, I trust that I will always be in the right place at the right time for my desired growth. I trust that, in life, I can hold my intentions above anything malignant or distracting.

In order to hold that, it would be helpful to develop a habit of intentional visioning, being forward looking – not in a “what if...” ruminating kind of way – in a resourceful, empowered “what I imagine for my life” kind of way.

To create that habit I have to change a few behaviours. Here is where the rubber meets the road. If I make this too big a stretch I’m more likely to fail to create the desired habits. Instead I opted to integrate setting my intentions alongside another habit I already have well established. Each night when I write in my gratitude journal, I now set my intentions for the following day.

And I separate out my intentions into things that are for me to focus on, versus things I leave up to the serendipities of life, in a place of trust that things are always working out. For example, today it was my intention to be present with my children. It is school holidays and we are enjoying quality time together. It’s also my intention that our house sale goes smoothly but, having done all I can do in order to make that happen, I can now set that aside today and trust it will unfold as it’s meant to.

I also meditate daily, so I’ve integrated my intentions with that practice, allowing my attention to be directed there at the start of the practice as a touchstone. Having done those things, when I now imagine receiving a gnarly text or an email, it feels that I can do that from a more empowered standpoint. It’s a process.

As I said in How to Take Things as They Come When You Have Learned Not to Trust, when Lisa Romano’s clients ask her "When will I feel better? When will I no longer be reactive? When will I feel peaceful? When will I gain back my self-confidence?" And she responds “The truth is, healing takes time and it takes mental toughness training to undo the psychological as well as neurological issues chronic abuse creates over time. There is no quick fix” this is where the rubber meets the road.

Establishing better boundaries is a day by day process of noticing when you would benefit from taking a different tack – the indicators being the unresourceful feelings like resentment, frustration and other types of pain – and then figuring out new ways of approaching things. So when you next feel resentment, frustration or pain, or anything that will compromise your sense of personal wellbeing, what will you do differently?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How Do I Honour What I Believe and Care Less What You Think? , Are the Most Loving, Courageous and Compassionate Parts of You in the Driving Seat?, Your Mind Will Try to Protect You By Resisting Your Healthy Boundaries, Do You Need to Heal Your Boundaries? and Give Yourself Permission to Live Life in Alignment With Your True Nature. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

A friend of mine gave me some well meaning advice to “Take things as they come”. This means to deal with things as they happen without planning for them, and do what feels right with a composed state of mind. This sounds like an excellent goal, but I also know that reaching that goal requires a lot of practice when someone has learned the hard way not to trust others.

I recalled this week one of the clearest memories I have of first experiencing what now seems to be popularly termed gaslighting. This is when someone is psychologically manipulated into doubting their own sanity.

I was twenty years old when a driver coming from the opposite direction crossed the central line and ran into the car I was driving, glancing off and hitting the car behind me before flipping and landing on its roof.  No one was seriously injured thankfully, but I did have whiplash and bruising.

Months later, as the driver of the oncoming vehicle disputed causing the accident, my cousin – who had been my passenger that night – and the guy in the vehicle behind us were all called to testify in court as to the circumstances of the crash. I remember my cousin being terrified, and me being the strong one saying “It will be fine, just tell it as it happened, we didn’t do anything wrong”.

My mother had strict morals, and honesty was one of them. As a child I was punished severely for telling lies. Once I recall spending two pence change, from whatever I’d  been sent to the shops for – bread I think - on a piece of bubblegum. When I got home and tried to say I’d lost the money, my mum came down hard. I recall the exact words as I was being punished “This isn’t because you bought the bubblegum, it’s because you lied about it”.

We were not allowed in the courtroom as the others each gave evidence, so when my cousin came back to the waiting area visibly shaken and upset, I was most definitely feeling far more nervous than I was letting on. That was my stance then and now, be strong and if I don’t feel it, fake it.

I stood in the stand and started to give my recount of that night when the accident occurred. The guy’s lawyer, the one who had hit us in the oncoming vehicle, said to me in a rather austere tone “I put it to you Miss Keachie that you were the one who crossed the central line and hit my client’s oncoming vehicle”.

Unprepared for such an accusation, an outright lie, I was in shock and blurted something like “I bloody well did not”. Then the judge reprimanded me for swearing – another thing I’d been punished for as a child. I didn’t know it then but I was in full flight or fight mode, more accurately freeze mode, and completely lost for words and shaking. It was all I could do not to break down and cry right there in the witness box.

I discovered afterwards that the defendant, the man who had crashed into us, was on his way home from a night shift and had fallen asleep at the wheel. He pleaded not guilty in the hopes of avoiding prosecution as he was training to be a driving instructor and his career would be ended before it had begun with this kind of conviction.

That is when I really realised for the first time that not everyone had been brought up with the same morals. To lie under oath seemed so huge to me that I was quite in disbelief the defendant and his lawyer had the gall to do it.

But still I held tight to my beliefs, I was wired to.

Recently another lawyer I’ve been working with told me that she sees this common pattern between parties where one shoots off wild accusations, or twists the truth, to get what they want and the other wants to spell out the truth in the hopes that the other party will see reason and capitulate.

Her view is that it’s a waste of time with that kind of person. I agree, though it took me a long time to see it.
Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic and, according to Ike Allen and Ande Anderson of Avaiya University, “Signs that someone is gaslighting you might include:

• Denial of your recollection of events
  
• Refusal to consider your point of view
• Calling you crazy or overly sensitive when you voice concerns
• Or twisting what happened to shift the blame to you”.

Often in order to reinforce this manipulation, those gaslighting use a tactic called triangulation. Triangulation happens when one or both of the people involved in the conflict try to pull a third person into the dynamic, often with the goal of deflecting some of the tension, creating another conflict to take the spotlight off the original issue and reinforcing their sense of rightness or superiority.

Author and coach Lisa Romano, who was the victim of gaslighting and narcissistic abuse for many years, says “If you are the target of a narcissistic person and are experiencing triangulation, what’s happening on the outside is that the narcissist is talking to rational people who, in their heads, think there must be some rational reason this person is so upset. They do not understand that they are dealing with someone who sees themselves as a victim and is causing triangulation as an insurance policy”.

When Lisa went to therapy with her ex husband he was like a different person. She would think “If only you were like this at home we wouldn’t be here”.

She says we see it often in the court system when someone is exaggerating claims, or just outright lying and warns “You have to be careful as there are some judges who fall for this, thinking this must be pretty bad if this person is so upset”.

Lisa discovered there is little understanding that, when it comes to people with high conflict personalities, you have to take that rationale and throw it out the window. People on the outside of this dynamic are not learning about narcissism or codependency and don’t understand when you tell them “This is what I’m dealing with…. I can’t trust this person” or “This person is different when there is no audience”, it makes you sound crazy.

Even within those relationships, and I have had the misfortune to experience a few in my career and in personal relationships, it took decades for me to realise that my default wiring of “There must be some misunderstanding here, let me explain..” would always be fruitless. The high conflict person appears to have no conscience and simply wants their own way.

Worse, as Lisa says “If you stay in these relationships, soon enough you will feel that you are losing it, and suffer from self doubt, anxiety, rumination, depression, chronic stress and eventually have a nervous breakdown and/or develop serious health issues. All the while the people you love will wonder if you’re the one who is causing the problems as you’re so highly anxious and perhaps even seem neurotic”.

So when that lawyer said to me that the truth is a waste of time with that kind of person, while I agree, I can also see that the truth - the facts - are incredibly important. They are the solid ground upon which to stand in a world where another would have you believe an entirely different reality.

In the corporate world we used to calls this ACE, an Arse Covering Exercise. But when it comes to manipulation and especially gaslighting I’ve found it’s incredibly important just for my sanity.

Lisa relates “Your reaction to a narcissist's abuse will be the focus of their attention. When you react to it, they use your normal healthy reaction as proof that you're crazy, and that you should not trust your perceptions. As they remain calm, observing your natural emotional response to abuse, you begin to doubt your reaction is valid. Reactive abuse is a weapon narcissists use against their victims for the purpose of controlling their minds from the inside out”.

Lisa admits that, upon reflection, there were times when the way she reacted to this was nasty and snarky. She says there were even occasions she could have characterized her own reactions as abusive. This is what I would call “letting someone get a rise out of you”, they basically succeed in winding up their victim.

As her healthy self-doubt got lost in the emotional abuse she endured as a child and as an adult, she wondered:
"Maybe they are right. Maybe I am just a negative person. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I am too much. Maybe I have no right to feel this way. Maybe I should not react so strongly to their passive aggressiveness. Maybe the silent treatment is not so bad. Maybe their criticisms are meant to help me. Maybe my desire to feel closer to them is unrealistic. Maybe I should just shut up! Maybe I should not make such a big deal out of catching them in another lie. At least they don't hit me...”

After episodes like these, she would remain in emotional hangovers for days, weeks, and sometimes months, which I could relate to. She had no clue what reactive abuse was, or how a narcissistic person used their victim's reaction to maintain mind control. 

So “No”, I thought when challenged by the lawyer, the explanations of the facts and the truth aren't for the perpetrator, it has long since been recognised they are not interested in those and have no conscience. They are for the lawyers and, ultimately, a judge, hopefully all reasonable people who are able to give sensible advice and make sensible decisions. 

However, as my first experience with the driver’s lawyer in the courtroom showed, the perpetrators even have their own professional flying monkeys. I’ve also experienced this in recent years where I still somehow remained shocked that a professional would use the same gaslighting tactics in order to win their client’s case.

There is no denying that it has taken me a long time and enough distance and perspective to see the behaviours and the patterns so clearly. And until I had some distance from it there was no doubt my inner instinct was always to respond "You misunderstand, here's where I'm coming from" in the hopes that somewhere a penny would drop and the crazy-making would cease.

And back to that friend of mine who gave me some well meaning advice to “Take things as they come”, well, I’m getting there but it’s not an overnight thing.

Lisa’s clients ask her "When will I feel better? When will I no longer be reactive? When will I feel peaceful? When will I gain back my self-confidence?" And she responds “The truth is, healing takes time and it takes mental toughness training to undo the psychological as well as neurological issues chronic abuse creates over time. There is no quick fix”.

That is why online videos, podcasts, courses, books and so forth are so valuable as they provide easily accessible platforms that give people who have been the target of narcissistic attacks an opportunity to educate themselves and others. And the more I have studied this advice I can see it’s universal and the road to recovery requires consistent practice.

Here are some things that I have done, as summed up by attorney Rebecca Zung, to start regaining a sense of power:

1. First, start creating some boundaries.  Even if they are tiny.  Then enforce them with all your might.
   
2. Second, start to notice when they get emotional.  Start even observing their emotions out loud to them by saying things like "I see that you are upset."  It will start to help you distance yourself from the situation and start to see the situation as an observer. This is the part where I like to record the facts.
   
3. Third, start to notice your own triggers.  Observe. Do not under any circumstances show your emotions to them if possible. Pretend like you’re reporting the news.  Never explain, justify or overshare.
   
4. Fourth, journal your feelings onto paper.  Put it all out there. Allow yourself the grace to feel yourself to feel your emotions. The only way out is through. Then burn it if you have to.
   
5. Lastly, gather a very close inner circle of a super supportive group of trustworthy people around you who will help you maintain sanity, build you up and gain confidence daily.  
   

I hope you have never had to, and will never have to, experience these kind of attacks on your personal opinion, needs, desires, credibility and, frankly, sanity. However this pattern of playing for top down control is one of the most prevalent patterns in our world today, playing out not just in relationships between two people but on a much wider scale through governments and media.

If you ever wonder how seemingly intelligent and successful people fall victim to these kinds of tactics, or feel ashamed that you have yourself, there is an excellent podcast series by Tiffany Reese that a friend recommended to me called Something Was Wrong. In 2018 Tiffany launched her award-winning podcast which tells the stories of various abuse survivors, and aims to validate victims and educate the public on important topics such as emotional, physical or sexual abuse, coercive control and gaslighting.

But be reassured by these final words from Lisa Romano ” Today, I have learned to discern wolves from sheep, lions from kittens, and bears from earthworms. This is me, acknowledging danger and staying mentally strong and connected to my divine guidance system in spite of potential predators”. In short, Lisa learned to trust herself again, as am I, which lends nicely to being able to take things as they come while being savvy to – rather than gaslit by - the toxic patterns that are more common than you might realise.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Embrace Your Authentic Self, Shed the Toxic People in Your Life, Could a Broader Perspective Benefit Us All Right Now?, Why Do Some People Seem so Self Absorbed and Not Care About Others?, Clear the Fog of Trauma to See the Magnificence of Your Being, In What Unseen Ways Are You Abandoning Your Own Free Will?, From Frustrating to Fantastic – How Do We Get Organisations to Meet Our Needs?, Overcome the Greatest Human Fear – Be the True You, Resentment, the Family Business. Are You Willing to Let It Go? and What I Love About Being With Narcissistic People. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Image by Ri Butov from Pixabay

A friend of mine sent me a link to a Luke Chlebowicz video to cheer me up one day. Luke is a life coach and posts all sorts of empowering material, but this one was of him dancing around his lounge with a huge smile on his face, which made me laugh. To make my friend smile, I decided to reciprocate with a video of some “no cares” dancing around my own lounge. It was such fun.

It reminded me of another post I’d seen on Happiness Chemicals – And How to Hack Them. This appears to be a common image in various guises online, though it’s unclear who the original schematic should be attributed to. But it lays out the four main happiness chemicals:

• Dopamine – the reward chemical
• Oxytocin – the love hormone
• Serotonin – the mood stabilizer
• Endorphin – the painkiller

And gives examples of things people can do naturally to boost their mood. According to the British Science Association, dance has been scientifically proven to reduce levels of cortisol caused by chronic stress. It also causes the brain to release dopamine and endorphins. So although it might seem counter intuitive this kind of activity can help with relaxation as well as being a great mood booster.

It certainly works for me; I’ve been dancing around my lounge since I was a teen watching playbacks of Flashdance over and over. But if dancing isn’t your thing, any exercise or just listening to feel good music, or watching rousing movies can really help.

Even catching up on clips from the Jubilee Concert in the UK last weekend was fun. Adam Lambert opened with Queen, taking me back to seeing them play live back in 2013 and how the atmosphere of a crowd like that is nothing short of pure elation.

I’ve certainly been more mindful of taking care of myself as I have navigated some tough times over the last year. Amid a constant barrage of unreasonable demands, false accusations and gaslighting it can be easy to lose sight of the good things in life. Being more intentional about all the things that keep me sane and stable has been a must for me: regularly meditating, taking beach walks, swimming and making time for friends.

It would be easy to look to others to fill the gaps inside, but that is a temporary fix, and has often led to me giving away too much of my own power and settling for less than I deserve. At this point in my life it is my priority to feel like I’m standing on solid ground.

Another way of releasing frustration can be to scream my lungs out when driving along rural highways. To be fair, the scream can be let loose anywhere, but if I did that at home at least four or five neighbours would investigate so it’s much more liberating when no one can hear. Rae Oliver writes a good article on Scream Therapy but I can attest to the benefits of discharging my nervous system in this cathartic way.

In fact I encourage my kids to do the same, not in reaction to one another in the moment, which can be addictive and unhelpful, but in a more of a controlled release as we are driving.

There is another component that has come into life lately though, that old saying about “dance as if no one is watching and sing as though no one is listening” hits the nail on the head. I had a friend from the UK who video called one morning. I was sitting in my dressing gown, hadn’t yet had a showered and declined the call sending him a text “Can’t possibly answer a video call right now, I’m sitting in bed with greasy hair etc”.

Then I thought “Mm, what does it matter?” and so I called him back and we had a good old catch up and laughed about my hair. Being authentic is important to me, having bent my shape to fit others for a lot of my life and reaped the (painful) consequences of abandoning myself, so extending it to my appearance is a bold step, backed by an inner self confidence.

The journey to me has been an inside out job, it has involved identifying what’s triggering me in the moment, and going back to the roots of a trigger when I have spotted unhealthy patterns. It has involved cutting ties and learning new habits, and healthier, more self caring ways of being authentic. And it’s not a journey at its end, but it’s a journey that has put me on a path that feels more akin to one I intended for this life.

Inevitably though there are moments when life seems heavy, and it’s down to me to lift myself up.  When life is getting you down, what are the ways in which you lift yourself up?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Meditation – the Cornerstone to Your Success, Want Better Health? Be Shrewd About Stress, I Am a Recovering Approval Seeker and Control Freak, Whose Energy Is This Anyway? Stop Taking on Board How Others Are Feeling and Loneliness – Meet the Most Important Person in Your Life. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I’ve just been for a walk at the beach, the first in a week as I’ve been busy moving house, moving lives. This has been a long anticipated moment, after cohabiting with my ex partner for over eight months for largely financial reasons. My friend asked “How does it feel to be in your own place?” I responded that I hadn’t yet landed enough to feel, my nervous system hasn’t yet got the memo that all is now well and it can relax, there still seems so much to do.

It’s a beautiful sunny autumnal day here, there are only a few white fluffy clouds in the sky, although it’s windy at the beach and the paragliders were out making the most of the conditions. As I watched one paraglider start the laborious process of pulling in his sail, I thought how well it represented the process I’d gone through earlier today to rein in my focus.

I’m in the early days of setting up my coaching business and had met with a client not long before the house move to gather lots of information that I hadn’t yet had time to distill into something clear and crisp. So, since the kids are with their dad today, I thought I’d take the opportunity of some headspace to do just that.

After figuring out which box my notes were in, I then began the process of pulling in my energy and focus to wrap my head around everything I’d captured over a number of occasions. It really did feel like I had been up there among the clouds just like the paraglider, and now I was standing on the ground having to pull myself in piece by piece. And just when I thought I’d got a hold of it, suddenly a strong gust would pull me in a different direction.

After about an hour of this I began to feel that I was able to navigate what I was doing with much more ease and focus. Finally I was able to block out the chaotic scene of unopened boxes around me, and stop thinking about what else needs to be done. Sound familiar?

The irony is that one of the things my client and I had been discussing was overwhelm. When he first started out in business, it took a while to get used to the vacillating sense of not enough work one moment, and too much the next.

We had talked through the upsides to the sense of overwhelm, which my client had described as part of an internal healthy check and balance system, and one he has developed helpful coping mechanisms to manage, such as writing lists and breaking things down into steps. And we had talked about how to reframe things when that feeling of overwhelm is upon us.

Serendipitously that next day I saw a post on LinkedIn called How to Reframe Your Thoughts When You’re Overwhelmed. The examples were:

• “There’s no way I’ll get this all done” to “I can do this one step at a time”
• “I don’t know where to start” to “I’ve prioritised before and I can do it again”
• “I’m not qualified to do this work” to “I am smart and capable”

So as I sat on the beach, after having consolidated our discussions into something more streamline and tangible, I thought about what overwhelm actually feels like in my body. Other than the aching, arms, neck and shoulder muscles I’ve felt this week, as I had said to my friend, I hadn’t really had time to think about how I feel.

At this point I became aware of a sense that that something over my left shoulder was wanting attention. It was more of an energetic nagging kind of feeling rather than anything physical that was there.

I wondered what that might be, as it was similar to the tugging sensation I used to get at night in the temporary welcome silence between switching off the TV and devices before dropping off to sleep when I worked in the corporate world. So I simply imagined this nagging feeling as a person who could give me an answer and I asked “who are you and what are you trying to tell me?”

In my imagination came an answer “I am a part of you that you have temporarily abandoned”. That made sense given the context. “What do I need to do to reintegrate you?” I asked. “Just focus upon me” came the reply.

And as I sat there on the beach having this conversation with myself and focusing my awareness into that space outside me and over my left shoulder, I became more aware of my breathing, more aware of my surroundings, and of the waves that seemed to be pressing across the tops of each other in a motion that reminded me of the way a massage therapist smoothes out tight and tired muscles with a rippling movement.

Back in my body, back in conscious awareness of my life and where I am, with gratitude for my beautiful surroundings and new place to call home. I no longer felt overwhelmed, I feel I have everything in hand, I just needed to remind myself of the bigger picture and then zoom into what was happening on a more micro level so I could focus on the next right thing on my path.

One of the benefits that client had mentioned of having me as a coach was “the work you do to quieten the minds of the directors and managers to allow them to create strategic direction that fits with their purpose and values”. This reminded me again of my busy corporate career and the mentor I had engaged for that same purpose.

The truth is though, that while I and others can certainly create space and questions that allow for someone to switch gear and come back to themselves for a while, note that it is about coming back to oneself. The answers are not out there, they are inside. And whether it’s an imaginary conversation with myself, or one assisted by another human being, it’s all about that continual flight and landing on my own unique path.

​Allow overwhelm to be part of your vital check and balance system, take its steer and come back into yourself to discover what your next right step might be.
 
If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Simplify Your Life to Be Accepted and Loved as Your Authentic Self, Focus Not on What Was Taken but Embrace What Was Given, Life Really Does Support Your Deepest Desires (And How to Access Its Support) and Take a Small Break from Your Life to Restart from Your Authentic Core. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

As someone who has had the misfortune to be intimately involved, both personally and professionally, with a few characters who use manipulation and control tactics such as gaslighting, triangulating, lying, invalidation, minimisation, moving the goal posts (and so the list goes on), I have learned not only to develop and hold healthy boundaries – but to take notice when my gut tells me the ground on which I’m standing suddenly feels less solid beneath my feet.

I feel like that right now in relation to the environment here in New Zealand around COVID19 restrictions and what I’m seeing happen elsewhere.

Attending a parent’s evening at the kids’ school this week, one of the important topics up for discussion was how we promote inclusion around the issue of vaccination status as some fractures are beginning to rear their ugly heads in reflection of what is going on in society at large. To put this into further context, I am talking about a class of nine-year-olds, where playground and classroom talk really should not be focused on these adult issues and themes.

I imagine this is particularly difficult for any teacher whose only basis for getting a vaccination themselves was in order to keep their job (all teachers in New Zealand were given a matter of only weeks’ notice to become fully vaccinated or leave).

In another post I saw from a professional contact of mine, who runs a customer experience consultancy business, she was recounting a story of an elderly gentleman who had entered a store that required a My Vaccine Pass. Upon advising he did not have one, the clerk frantically and loudly pointed him to the door and ushered him out.

She was making a plea to service providers to give their teams guidance on how to say “No we can’t serve you” without humiliating their fellow citizens.

I responded “I suspect these are fear driven responses and, until we are able to address the fears, it will be hard to avoid this”.

At the parent’s evening I heard parents respond with fears from two polarised perspectives. One was fearful of masks not being worn in the classroom because her father had been in intensive care being treated with COVID19, whereas another parent’s father and mother had both suffered strokes within a week of having the vaccine administered.

In New Zealand the government announced the My Vaccine Pass a matter of weeks ago and, from the third of December, many venues and facilities became inaccessible to those who cannot show this. To qualify for one you have to be fully vaccinated and have a booster (at this stage) every 6 months, though I suspect New Zealand will follow suit with other countries who now recommend a booster every 3 months as it’s becoming less effective.

The recent mandates have left many workers without jobs and many citizens unable to access services, facilities (like swimming pools and libraries), and education unless they get behind the governments drive to fully vaccinate.

Now, until recently, we in New Zealand have been relatively sheltered from COVID19 which, I suspect, has perhaps made many of our citizens even more fearful of the virus. The whole of Auckland (population 1.7 million) has been on lockdown since August when the Delta variant took hold. The Prime Minister has been promising to open it up again at 90% vaccination rates.

Vaccination is touted (and now mandated) as the key to social and personal freedoms.

Despite this, COVID19 has spread but - to put it in perspective, we are talking (as of 12 December 2021) about 6738 active cases in the whole country (population 5 million). My gut tells me the measures are way out of kilter with the actual threat. So I took a good look at some of the statistics around the world to see what’s actually been happening and gain some perspective. Was I being too glib?

I will quote the UK figures as it’s been one of the most impacted countries, and is also my country of birth where I have lots of family and friends who have shared their stories over the last year and more. Here is what I found...

Looking at the stats taken from https://www.worldometers.info/coronavirus/ total active cases in the UK right now are 1,171,000 (of 69 million population). So 1.7% of the UK population have currently tested positive for COVID19.

Now while this is a particularly tricky coronavirus, it is a coronavirus nonetheless; one of the most common causes of cold and flu symptoms worldwide for centuries. 1.7% of the population having it doesn't sound that extraordinary to me.

The total accumulated cases in the UK since the start of the pandemic is 10,771,444. This means 15.6% of the population have tested positive for COVID19 at some point.

Total deaths in the UK (attributed to COVID19) since the start of the pandemic are 146,387, which is 0.21% of the UK population.

So only 15.6% of the UK population has actually caught this virus since the start of the pandemic and 0.21% have died.

Someone I know who lives there said to me the other day "I dread to think where we would be without the vaccine, this virus is doubling every two to three days!”

I responded “Let's look at that, where would you - a healthy individual (who has barely ever had flu, never mind the common cold nor any other respiratory issues) - be?  If you were in proximity to the virus, as you probably have been on many occasions, would you even catch it? Probably not. And if you did catch it, what are the chances of dying from it? Very little, odds are you would recover”.

Then I saw a post from Esther Jacobs on LinkedIn, citing the example of a flight from South Africa to the Netherlands (where you have to show proof of a vaccine or a negative test) which demonstrates why vaccinations themselves do not stop the spread. All passengers were detained for testing on arrival in the Netherlands, 61 of them testing positive for COVID19, which means a lot of vaccinated people are carrying the virus without knowing it.

Now that I am looking more widely, I’ll share the global figures.

Total cases (of COVID19) since the start of the pandemic are 269,917,935 (3.86% of the human population) of which 5,316,825 i.e. 1.97% have died (i.e. 0.076% of the total global population).
By far and away the vast majority of people do not catch the virus and, of those who does, the vast majority recover. So why all this fear and panic? Why all the stringent measures?

Have vaccines slowed down the virus any? It is one year ago since the first Pfizer vaccine was administered to a 90-year-old grandmother in the UK. Prior to that, according to the same data source, using 4 Dec 2020 as a reference point (pre vaccine), globally 1,626,314 had died at that point, out of a total of 67,120,936 cases i.e. 2.42% (which is 0.02% of the global population).

Of course I know it’s a particularly nasty virus and not one I’d want to catch anymore than I want to catch any virus particularly. Of course it's incredibly sad that people die from this virus or suffer symptoms of long COVID19, but I wanted to gain some perspective.

It's hard to tell what impact vaccines have had. The first variant of the virus appeared in September 2020, months before vaccines started to roll out (from Dec of 2020) and it is unknown what the virus's natural path could have looked like. Certainly enough modeling was done to scare people into complying with public health measures and positioning vaccines as the silver bullet to social freedoms.

Vaccines that are entirely new technology, different from any vaccines used before, and on the market and in people's arms in record speed. The vaccines are losing effectiveness by the day as the virus mutates and people are being asked to have more shots more frequently.

I particularly like an article written by Guy Hatchard PhD who has applied in depth critical thinking on the topic and has been in correspondence with the government’s closest advisors here around the management of the virus over the last year or more, and until the last few months.

One of his key concerns is the lack of any mandatory reporting about vaccine side effects. He says “The failure to alert the public that there was a measureable and significant risk to vaccination was compounded by false government assurances that there was no risk… Public perception of safety (of the vaccines) has become so entrenched that individuals posting about their adverse reactions on social media are often mercilessly trolled”.  

As I said to my friend in the UK “The bottom line is that, while this is a particularly nasty virus, and while there is certainly some truth in what you're being fed and regurgitating, it is not the whole truth and it's most certainly not in context or unbiased”.

When I look at this reasoning about wanting to avoid an overload the health system, for example, sure there was an initial influx last year, doctors were baffled dealing with something new and it took everyone by surprise.

But where is the load being accounted for in administering millions of vaccine doses and tests? Vaccines that are becoming less effective. And where is the tracking of the load being created by vaccine side effects?

And if there's such a load on the health systems, why aren't governments investing in and promoting good healthy eating and lifestyle practices that support and boost healthy immune systems? Where is the investment in effective treatments?

Why are perfectly healthy people being penalised when unhealthy people - so long as they're vaccinated - get to walk around spreading the virus? And all of this in the context of barely a dent on the overall global population.

I don’t mean to trivialize this by any means, but if someone would have told me a couple of years ago that we would all be walking around wearing masks and segregating our society into vaccinated and unvaccinated in response to a global pandemic, with people losing their jobs and access to facilities and services for non compliance, I would have imagined a scenario where a good proportion of my friends and family had died.

But it just doesn’t bear out in the facts.

Meanwhile, what is very obvious, is pharmaceutical companies are making some good money, and creating some great repeat business. Governments have people divided and distracted, so I have to wonder if it’s worth checking what other legislation is going through at the speed of light while people are all looking elsewhere.

I have had a look on the parliamentary website for proposed legislation and submission dates. There has been an interesting array of legislation slipping through here, from our water systems to artificial intelligence, all with extremely short submission deadlines.

But now I am venturing into another territory, the possible motives behind the government and media manipulation and control tactics. This has the potential to create more fear and, since I know no further facts around it nor have any real perspective on it at the moment – and certainly no control over it – it’s not where my focus lies.
​
For now it is only clear to me that the fear mongering around this is disproportionate to the facts, as perhaps are the public measure in place and the extraordinary drive to vaccinate. It has certainly quelled any unbalanced fears in relation to “what if” I catch the virus, or what if anyone around me has it.

Regardless of where you stand on the issue of vaccination, is it worth the time to take a broader perspective right now to help alleviate any fears you many have in relation to this topical issue? And, if not this issue, what else is taking centre stage in your life that might benefit from a broader perspective?

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Be Purposeful in Your Focus - Your Glass Is Actually Still Half Full, How to Reclaim Your Freedom Instead of Feeling Trapped, When Life Is Uncertain It Feels Good to Take a Positive Step, How Do I Honour What I Believe and Care Less What You Think?  and Empower Yourself - When a Difficult Reaction Sends You Into a Tailspin. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I’ve always believed in the inherent goodness of people and, although I learned about different personality types and behavioural styles in my early adulthood, I always assumed people were generally fair minded and want to do the right thing by others.

I knew there were exceptions of course, when I studied psychology we learned about mental illnesses and behavioural disorders and I sort of assigned any mal-intent to that minority. Many years ago when I heard someone say “People don’t do things to you, they do things for themselves” it rang true.

As a result, when I’ve been hurt I have tried not to take it too personally, choosing instead to seek to understand what pain might be driving that poor behaviour, and excused too much of it as a result. In close relationships I would see a person’s true potential, believe I could help them reach it, and want to help fix the problems.

The issue with that is it assumes that person can also see just how encumbered they are with unhelpful beliefs (that drive some gnarly behavioural patterns causing problems in their life), and wants to embark on a journey to reach their potential. Frankly, who needs that uninvited though? It’s like saying “you are not good enough as you are”.

I’ve learned that kind of journey needs to be entirely self motivated. It’s not my business to try to help anyone who hasn’t asked for help. But, I also don’t need to put up with poor behaviours just because I might understand where they are driven from. And, believe me, I’ve put up with a lot of poor behaviours from others in my life.

I clearly had my own journey to go on and my focus shifted years ago from blaming others and circumstances for any unhappiness, to looking within to my beliefs, behaviours and what I’m allowing from others.

This week I have been listening to a series of experts being interviewed on the topic of toxic relationships, a term I haven’t particularly thought much about until this point. But it’s added another layer of realisation in terms of how I allow others to treat me.

Therapist Briana MacWilliam explains that a toxic relationship is one where “a person discounts the other person as autonomous from themselves and treats them as poorly as they treat themselves on the inside”. She goes on to explain this can mean dismissing someone’s feelings and degrading their character – the key being that it is a pattern of behaviour not just a one-off.

When she talked about different forms of relationship attachment styles, the one she described as an “anxious attachment” (or an open heart) rang true for the me I was before I started my inner work:

• I have been accustomed to a lack of love in my romantic relationships and fallen into people-pleasing mode.
• I have tended to give too much, and wait around too long for the reciprocation of loving feelings.
• I have taken on more than the Lion's Share of the responsibility, guilt, and blame in any relationship because I think if I am responsible for something going wrong, it must be within my power to fix it.
• I have had low self-esteem and struggled with feelings of unworthiness.
• Deep down, I have believed I have to earn love and approval and so have been drawn to partners that are “challenging” or “edgy,” that make me work for it.
• By being over-helpful, I have perhaps subconsciously tried to make myself indispensable to partners, the underlying invisible premise being “If they need me, they won’t leave me”. But this is a double edged sword; working so hard, I then question whether or not they really love me for me…(and struggled with knowing who the “real” me was too).
•  I have tended to get lost in the potential of the relationship, rather than the reality of it.

• But the hardest thing is I’ve usually attracted others with insecure attachment styles, who don’t appreciate me and take my generosity for granted.

Many of the discussions in the conference centred on narcissistic behaviours, certainly one I’ve had the misfortune of encountering a number of times. I used to hear the term narcissist and think of it rather like a cliché, but as I have lived through various toxic relationships I’ve begun to recognise just how common this is – and how ill equipped I was to recognise and deal with narcissistic behaviours.

Dr Les Carter is quick to point out narcissistic behaviours can be plotted on a spectrum. At one end of the spectrum there is healthy narcissism, a positive sense of self that is in alignment with the greater good. At the other end of the spectrum there is more destructive narcissism characterised by a consistent pattern of grandiose attitudes and behaviours.

As Dr Carter mentions, it is perfectly normal for people to display thoughtless, selfish behaviour once in a while, it’s the recurring pattern of that behaviour that causes toxic relationships. If someone acts that way, say, twenty percent of the time, that’s obviously quite different from someone who acts that way eighty percent of the time.

He says “Narcissists bring out the worst in us, wearing you down over time. Their desire to be in control puts you in the inferior position and you’re on the receiving end of a lot of criticism, gas lighting (denial, lies, smoke and mirrors), second guessing and –over time – a building sense of frustration, tension and confusion”.

He goes on to explain “You want collaboration in a relationship, they see it as a competition to stay superior. They need to be admired; other people are their potential supply to build up their fragile egos. They whittle away at your dignity, your reasoning and mock your emotions. They want to eliminate your free will.”

Now all this kind of talk sounded much too fantastical to me because it elicits a picture in my head of a person sitting in a room strategising all the ways in which they could consciously entrap me. Whereas in reality I’ve found it’s more a set of subconscious behaviours driven by deep insecurities and shame. And people with these behavioural patterns are not interested in anything but their own truth.

I can see the wasted hours and energy I have spent trying to get other people (who seem bound and determined to dismiss, demean and belittle me) to try to see my perspective. When Dr Carter said “Don’t even attempt to make them think differently, there is only one opinion that matters and it isn’t yours” I realised just how true that is. 

Other tell-tale signs Dr Carter cited that I recognise from experience:

• No empathy – narcissists don’t identify with the feelings or emotions of others, so they don’t care who they hurt to get what they need
• A sense of entitlement – narcissists and other toxic personalities have a sense of entitlement when it comes to their needs always coming first
• Walking on eggshells –erratic behaviours and responses; not knowing from day to day what their mood will be or what you will need to do to appease them.

Then Lisa Romano talked about another common red flag, a pattern of someone getting enraged when you try to raise an issue with them in a civil manner. I have experienced this frequently; there is simply no space for considering another’s opinion, whereas in a healthy relationship there is give and take and mutual respect.

I first came across Lisa last year when I read her story in The Road Back to Me and My Road Beyond the Codependent Divorce. Her story is very compelling as it charts her childhood experiences through to her adult relationships, where cause and effect can clearly be seen.

Circling back to Briana MacWilliam’s definition of a toxic relationship, about treating others “as poorly as they treat themselves on the inside”, Lisa’s story demonstrates exactly how the way a person treats themselves on the inside comes about in those early childhood and adolescent years.

When I read Lisa’s story, I felt grateful I hadn’t had her experiences. Yet when I reflected on my own childhood experiences, I realised that other people heard my story and thought in the same terms (grateful they hadn’t led my life).

My experiences have led me to some very unhealthy entanglements as an adult. I have been in at least two so-called romantic relationships like this, and also had a toxic relationship with a work colleague which fell into this category.

I am realizing that I kept making the same mistakes over and over, excusing poor behaviour towards myself and to others, trying to get them to see me, trying to get them to acknowledge my intentions and contributions, trying to get them to accept that I am entitled to an opinion that differs from theirs and trying to even just get them to care.

Because I could see those people so clearly, I wanted them to see me. But now I know they were not capable (without awareness and desire to change) of seeing me as anything other than a source to feed their own fragile ego.

While there has been a silver lining in my relationships with people who display these toxic characteristics, I often tried to stick with them in the hope they would see the light and change and finally give me the respect and/or love I deserved to feel (or at least respect my right to my own opinions). Meanwhile my own confidence and self esteem would get eroded and I would begin to question my own validity.

The silver lining for me is the intensity to which I’ve experienced these things was what prodded me into taking my own journey to self healing. Here are the things I’ve learned I needed to do to detoxify and rebuild my sense of self worth and self esteem:

1. Self Care – Michelle Farris said “if someone is not ready to leave a toxic relationship, at least try to get them to focus on self care. A good night’s sleep, exercise, seeing friends and having fun”. There are many aspects of self care that I have had to stand up for in toxic relationships, even though it makes me feel like a twisted car wreck inside. It sounds ridiculous to some people to have arguments about spending an extra $4 on a free range chicken as opposed to a factory farmed one, or taking care of my body by seeing a health practitioner, or receiving bitter complaints about friends or family members visiting (and making the atmosphere more than a little awkward when they do). And while experiencing intensive disdain towards my healthy choices, I have been more than accommodating of their choices that I would personally consider unhealthy and damaging. The respect went one way, but I saw that hypocrisy for what it was and stood determined to take care of myself despite the emotional backlash that ensued.
2. Healthy Boundaries – If, like me until a year or so ago, you don’t even really know what this term means, that is a big red flag to go check it out. There were a lot of speakers at the conference talking on this topic, but I personally got a lot of out of Terri Cole’s book Boundary Boss. All three of these points interlink, and I have become much more adept at self care by learning better boundaries and by learning to become less reactive.
3. Become Non-Reactive – As Dr Carter said, the behaviour of toxic people is wearing and it leads to a lot of anger and resentment among other strong emotions. Plus there is that persistent desire to try to convince someone who is being toxic towards me that I deserve fairness, that I am a good person and so on. He recommends “no pleading, no coaxing and no convincing, it’s going into their territory, this person is not interested in anything but their own truth”. Instead he recommends taking a stance of “I understand our opinions differ, none the less that s what I am going to do anyway” Lisa Romano pointed out that “you can’t have something different until l you do something different”. As I said, I had a lot of experience of trying to convince others of my good intentions and trying to get them to see my viewpoint. An old colleague took exception to me and would regularly challenge and belittle my opinions in meetings, and just as regularly I would take her aside for a discussion afterwards. We would get locked in conversations for hours and it became utterly exhausting. In hindsight I can see how fruitless that was, my attention and energy would have benefitted by being directed elsewhere and dealing with her in a more direct way.

​And the absolute worst thing about toxic relationships I’ve found is they are hard to recognise when in them. It’s so confusing because the other person is always deflecting blame.

But it’s simple really, with that person do you mostly feel good or bad, love or fear (p.s. I would never admit to being afraid, but my body said otherwise with my nervous system on constant high alert and my tummy constantly churning)? You deserve respectful communication, to feel seen and heard, to have give/take. You can forgive one-off transgressions but not a pattern. Go detoxify, you deserve it.
​
If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Do You Need to Heal Your Boundaries?, Your Mind Will Try to Protect You By Resisting Your Healthy Boundaries, Empower Yourself - When a Difficult Reaction Sends You Into a Tailspin, Are You Overly Responsible? Actually Seeing Yourself Through Fresh Eyes, Overcome the Greatest Human Fear – Be the True You and What I Love About Being With Narcissistic People. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

This week I have been clearing through boxes and boxes of old paperwork and sentimental things I’d had stored in the attic for – in some cases - decades. It’s been a journey that has been cathartic and very insightful.

It’s obvious to me that some of the criteria I had previously used in deciding whether to keep things related to the time and energy I had spent on them. Some of it was good energy, some not. Too much of the piles of things “I might need at some point” were about defending positions, decisions or actions should they ever be revisited, a real echo of the defensive child part of me within.  

While I haven’t watched or read a huge amount of Marie Kondō, I certainly heard her famous phrase ringing in my ears “Does this give me a spark of joy?”

This physical task and these physical boxes seem to me a good metaphor for all my life’s baggage, and the ways in which I’d been unintentionally buying into scarcity – a lack of faith in my right to make my own decisions and have my own opinions, that I’m not worthy somehow, that it’s not safe to let go of the defenses I’ve built around me to name a few.

When I hear the word abundance my mind automatically takes me to thoughts about money. And while money is certainly an indicator, I’ve had quite a few reminders lately that how money flows to and from me is just one part of a much bigger – and more meaningful – field of energy.

Rha Goddess, in her audio programme Making Money, Making Change, subtitled Build Your Business, Make a Profit and Serve the World, talks about the economies of Love, Truth and We. About a new level of generosity that is sourced from something different than obligation and pressure. She also cites the existing Economy of Scarcity “which invites this obligatory giving as a way to prove you’re a good person; which is painful”. I can attest to that.

For Rha it’s about how we attract, how we earn and how we spend.  She sees the opportunity to do that in ways that actually forward and further more love, generosity and communal wealth. Her priority is to contribute to economies that are life-giving, where people can thrive and prosper; economies that carry dignity, honour and respect at their centre.

“In the Economy of Love” Rha says, “I’m tapped into a more prosperous supply. When I’m giving from that place – a well sourced and well resourced place – I can be more generous. The giving contributes to my expansion as opposed to my contraction”.

“In the Economy of Truth, I’m accountable and responsible for the choices and decisions I make and the impact they have on me and others. I’m willing to see where I’m a part of the solution and where I’m part of the problem. I’m willing to be actively engaged around moving to places that enable me to be more a part of the solution than a part of the problem.”

“In the Economy of We, it’s a story of us. It’s the fact that we are not on an island unto ourselves. We have seven billion neighbours that we share space, air, water and energy with. How do we do this together so I’m not dominating, obliterating or subjugating you? How do I expand you? How do I contribute to you? How do I uplift you? How do we work in ways that make the pipe bigger and the world better, which we have all had a hand in and an active role to play?”

I love this way of looking at my life and the world I live in, it provides a compass for my personal and work existence. I can see clearly the areas where I’ve been acting out of obligation and in accordance with unhelpful beliefs that no longer serve me. I’ve been doing the work to build my self esteem and healthier boundaries and will continue to do so.

Dr Sue Morter agrees true abundance reveals itself through love, compassion, joy, connection, adventure, play, laughter, invention and imagination. She encourages her clients to reconnect with the memories of abundance in their life in order to stir up and reactivate those more positive and potent energies within.

Rha, who is a sought-after entrepreneurial soul couch, also recognises that people hold core beliefs that hold them back from abundance. Beliefs such as:

1. There is not enough to go around
2. I am not worthy, I don’t deserve it
3. It’s not safe for me to stand out
4. I am afraid of what it’s going to take, what am I going to have to trade?
5. I might become corrupted or changed or compromised
6. The moral dilemma of capitalism generally

In a podcast Making Money, Making Change, she talks about healing our relationship with capitalism by separating the culture of capitalism from the principles of economy. She also talks about healing the original experiences that created the other dysfunctional beliefs.

I read a clear example, written by Heather Shumaker, author of It’s OK not to share…And Other Renegade Rules for Raising Competent and Compassionate Kids, of how these types of beliefs come about and where we typically constrain abundance in our society. She says:

“I’m all for cultivating generosity in our kids. It’s our job to help our children deepen their care and awareness of others. But the way we generally approach sharing backfires…

Here’s a typical scenario involving preschoolers: One child is busily engaged with a toy when a new child comes up and wants it. A nearby adult says “Be nice and share your toys” or “Give Ella the pony. You’ve had it a long time”.

What happens? The child is forced to give something up and her play is interrupted. She learns that sharing feels bad. It’s the parent here who’s sharing, not the child.

Traditional sharing expects young kids to give up something the instant someone else demands it. Instead of you saying “Five more minutes and then its Ella’s turn” teach your kids to say “You can have it when I’m done”.

This teaches positive assertiveness. It helps kids stand up for themselves and learn to set boundaries with other kids. What a terrific life skill. How many of us adults have trouble saying “no”? The best part of all is when the first child willingly hands over the toy it’s a joyous moment for both kids. That’s the moment when your child experiences the rush of good feelings that comes from being kind to others. It’s true generosity.”

So, as I see it, there is this idea that the person we arrived as gets sort of parked, frozen, and layer upon layer of self limiting beliefs are added that we adopt in order to be accepted within our family, and our society.

But as Rha Goddess says “The question is, are those beliefs what you want to believe? As you sit in that belief, does it empower you?” And, most importantly “Would you be open to an upgrade (of these beliefs)?

Not to suggest that changing our beliefs is easy, but it can be done with awareness, practice and persistence.  Dr Morter believes “Those ideas of inadequacy and insufficiency were part of the plan, that you would then conquer them, rise above them, and remember the masterful being of abundance that you truly are”.

Rha asks “In your time to think (over the last eighteen months), have you recognised that you do have power? Have you recognised that there are things that are important to you? Have you recognised that you do matter? That the choices you make matter, that the decisions you operate from matter?”

And she continues…”That the things that have happened to you matter, and that it all shapes the way in which we see ourselves and the degree to which we believe anything is possible or not possible in our reality? Step one is to consider the possibility that you can actually do something about it. But if you really want to change the game, you must embrace the fact that you’re a creator.”

I also like Dr Sue Morter’s audio meditation on money miracles with Marci Shimoff, which is worth a listen. I enjoy bringing memories of abundance back into my awareness, memories of playing as a child out in the street where we lived, for example, where I was free to connect, laugh and imagine as I was climbing the street lights to cross over garage rooftops and find new hiding places.

It always resonates with me when Dr Morter then says in her lovely mellow voice:
“This life is mine; I am generating this entire experience so that I might fully reveal in my own true abundance. I reveal as love, compassion and joy. I reveal as connection and adventure, I reveal knowing that all I need is right here and will rise up to meet me the moment I engage, that everything is in my favour. This is the world of abundance.”

Is it time for you to clear out some of those old boxes of beliefs stored in the attic of your mind and create space for some new beliefs that serve you with abundance?

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Clear the Fog of Trauma to See the Magnificence of Your Being, What’s Your Relationship with Money? … And a simple technique to improve it, Put Money in its Place, Autonomy – Break Free of Money Fears and How Dead Does the Horse Need to Be to Want to Get Off? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

A while back I started some intensive chiropractic work in a bid to see if I could unwind some of the chronic pain I experience in my right shoulder, having tried a few other avenues unsuccessfully.

While I can appreciate its effectiveness in unblocking my nervous system (every session is filled with satisfying releases of tension along my spine and in other parts of my body), I’ve also become aware that the pain I experience cannot be attributed to a single event so it’s not so easy to let go of, it’s more like peeling away the layers of an onion.

If I had had an accident that had created pain, treatment like this could ease it relatively quickly. But when the cause is more a series of events that could be physical, mental and/or emotional, the path is less clear. Worse, I have a suspicion that the events are not necessarily relegated to past experiences, they may well be current day thoughts, actions or feelings that I’m (as yet) unaware of as being related.

To this end I asked the chiropractor whether she knew anyone locally who does somatic therapy/retraining. Somatic therapies are ones in which the body (the soma) is the guide, and the key is connecting the physical symptoms with a conscious narrative and feelings.

This led to an interesting observation on her part about common patterns she sees in bodies and the biggest issue she observes in the pursuit of getting back to a fully reset/healthy state (for want of a better expression). That is that people don’t make time to fully process their feelings, she says, so they get stored like another layer on the metaphorical onion.

As a person who has tended to be very in my head as opposed to my body, I have only recently begun to appreciate what she means. Until a few years ago, feeling what was happening in my body was generally secondary to me, and very unconscious, my body needed to be talking very loudly indeed to hear it.

But as I’ve begun to regularly meditate I’ve definitely become more aware of the connections between my mind, body and emotions. A key piece of advice I’ve heard from many quarters is, when I’m triggered about something, focus on where I’m feeling it in my body.

This has a couple of benefits, one is I start to become aware of patterns within me, the second is it brings my attention back into my body and calms my nervous system.

There are some great visuals out there that show what’s happening in a body when particular emotions are felt. In this Bright Side article it shows how emotions like happiness, love, anger, anxiety, depression, fear, disgust, shame, pride, contempt and jealousy show up in our systems in terms of blood flow and the effects.

For example, it says “when we are frightened, the blood literally drains from our face, making us pale. This happens thanks to the autonomic nervous system, the flight-or-fight control system. When we face a trigger, blood vessels pinch off the flow to our face and extremities, sending blood to our muscles and body so we are ready for either flight or fight”.

As someone who internalises a lot of my emotions, I’m aware that my nervous system has been in flight or fight mode for much of my life. And instead of taking the time to actually feel that, as the chiropractor pointed to, it was more that the baseline feeling within my body was a state of anxiety.

But to give a specific example, just the other day I read a negative personal comment condemning my perspective. The first thing I was aware of was a feeling akin to a general anaesthetic being pumped into me. The feeling started in my tummy and washed up and around my chest, and my thinking brain shut down. I felt startled, frozen.

Without attaching too much of a story to it, because every emotion comes with a story, I was aware on the edges of my consciousness that there was a familiarity to this feeling, but I just wanted to be present to what was actually happening in my body. My mind wanted to jump in and solve this; in short it wanted to keep me safe.

But what was obvious was that the well worn path for my norm in this kind of situation was to either push it down and get on with something more productive, or to start getting indignant and angry about it to propel me into action.

At this point, despite the allure, I resisted taking that well worn path, the chiro’s words still freshly ringing in my ears, and I just sat with the feeling and let it intensify while remembering to breath into where I was feeling it the most. It was uncomfortable, painful even, I can understand why I wanted to avoid feeling this feeling.

But after a few minutes of just leaning into it, like being hit by a wave, it started to subside. I could feel the ebb as feeling returned to the rest of my body and my brain started to come back online. I knew instantly that this reaction was an echo of unfair criticism directed at me as a child.

But as Glennon Doyle said “When we give ourselves permission to stop being the obedient daughter, we become the responsible adult”. I did not need to respond from the wounded child. This was not a person who was genuinely seeking to understand my personal conclusions, there was nothing to answer to, and so I let it go. For once, my body need not add another layer, weighing me down further.

As I was sharing this observation with my partner, we reflected on the many times in each day when we each might each feel discomfort or pain, and we push it to the side out of habit, not allowing ourselves to actually feel what is going on.

Traffic, that is something that pushes my partner’s buttons, and he spends a lot of time driving in it. Learning where that tension comes from (the narrative in his head), and how to healthily disperse it, is the optimal way forward.  

And that is what appeals to me about somatic therapy as it connects the psyche with the body, looking at cause and effect and how to approach things differently. Despite pioneers like the Peter Levine working in this field for decades now, it is still a relatively uncommon discipline among therapists.

But that is not to say that I can’t make progress. Just as I did the other day, if I use my body’s signals to tune into what else I have stored there in a bid not to feel the pain in the moment, there is much to be learned.

It occurs to me that our bodies’ carry a wealth of information, far more than our minds can consciously process. As such, learning to read our body’s signals can make an excellent doorway into our personal and collective growth.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Take Your Broken Pieces and Make a Beautiful Life, Learn to See What Is in Plain Sight, Want Better Health? Be Shrewd About Stress, What is Your Body Telling You? and Why You Should Consciously Engage in Body Talk. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I was listening to an interview with Amy Scher this week, author of How to Heal Yourself When No One Else Can, and while her experiences and conclusions were so familiar to me she reframed them in a way that I hadn’t considered before.

In talking about her experiences in healing herself from an autoimmune disease, which she was unable to do until she started looking beyond the physical landscape at her inner world, she said “I sometimes feel like there’s missing piece we’re not talking about, which is the greatest fear that we have is the fear of being who we really are.”

Interestingly, as I am finishing off a dive into the world of narcissistic traits, a description Wendy Behary gave as representative of a childhood in Disarming the Narcissist also caught my attention:

“The most popular proposal for the typical origins of narcissism is that the child grew up feeling conditionally loved, meaning that love was based upon performance.

This could come about through a number of scenarios. One might be where the child was criticised by one parent, who made them feel that whatever they did was not really good enough, whereas the other parent may then have doted on, overprotected or used them as a surrogate spouse.

The end result is a child not loved for who he or she was, not guided nor encouraged in the discovery of their true inclinations, never held in the arms of a caregiver who would make them feel completely safe and unquestionable cherished.”

Whether narcissistic traits or people pleasing ones like those I developed, I suspect they all come from conditional love in childhood.

Over the years, with deliberate inquiry, I’ve started to make the links and connections back to those childhood perceptions I had about the need to defend my position, the need to be perfect, the guilt and blame I felt when things went wrong.

Being triggered is a regular occurrence for me. I still take far too much upon my shoulders.

There are times when I find myself longing for acceptance, validation, recognition of who I am, what I need, feel and achieve. There is a longing for support and connection, a need to feel safe to be vulnerable.

All of that is grounded in fear, a fear of putting the real me, the one who was berated as a child, out there to get hurt.

When I watched a SuperSoul Session with Oprah and Gary Zukov a couple of years ago, he made a statement that has stayed with me “Authentic power is the ability to distinguish within you the difference between love and fear, and choose love no matter what it happening inside of you or outside of you.”

This has helped me realise that in order to fully express who I am there is a need to be vulnerable. I have to take responsibility for who I am being, how I am limiting myself and what I am receiving in this world, because I am not a helpless child anymore, I am an adult who can make different choices.
 
As Amy Scher described when asked how she responds to people who bristle at the idea that our thoughts, beliefs and emotions affect our physical landscape:
 
“I had doctors who asked Are you under stress? And I was even mad at them for that. There was nothing worse for me than something being my fault. In fact I spent so much of my life not wanting anything to be my fault that one day I just decided to play devil’s advocate and thought What if it is my fault? What if I did unconsciously in some way play some part in the manifestation of my illness?”
 
And the conclusion it led her to, I think, is really powerful:
 
“What does that say about me except I’m human? And when I surrendered to the idea that in some shape or form I could have contributed to where I was, I stopped resisting and bristling against the thing that could help me.
 
I discovered that some of the patterns in my life were crushing my spirit, and when a spirit is crushed it has an effect on the physical body. And interestingly, some of those patterns come back to the fear of it being my fault. I was a people pleaser, I didn’t like anyone to be upset and I was a perfectionist. I had completely irrational expectations of myself.”
 
What she goes on to say, I have profoundly felt the truth of in my own life too:
 
“I lived in deep fear of being who I really was. So I had started to contract myself and by contracting who I am, I contracted my body, my energy systems and my emotions.”
 
I didn’t think of it as being in fear of being me, I just saw it as being a good person, the good girl, the good member of society I’d been taught to be. I had learned to feel comfortable in the discomfort of that skin, never really looking at those parts of me that I’d disowned or suppressed.
 
When I look back at, say, the panic attacks I had in my early twenties, I can relate to this idea of bristling when a doctor asks about stress. I took pride in being strong and resilient. But if I am honest, I can see in retrospect that I was not in a good place, I’d been through a painful breakup, and I believed I was unworthy of the kind of love I longed for.
 
With the benefit of hindsight, as scary as it to be vulnerable, I can definitely attest it’s far better than a life half lived, always hiding what I’d really rather say, do or be – even from myself at times. That is why I decided on the journey to me, to take each of these things that show up as less than desirable in my life, or that really trigger me, and to take the time to make the connections with the ways in which old thought patterns might still be at play.

Once I identify the patterns, bringing them into the light of conscious awareness, I work on them in many ways, shapes and forms as I talk about in Want More Energy, Clarity and Time?

What about you? What was it like growing up in your home? What were the expectations and values? What was it you had to work hard to maintain? In what ways have some of those things possibly shown up in your life to your detriment? How did you promise to yourself you’d be different if you have kids? Is it time to overcome your greatest fear and embrace who you truly are?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy When the Thing That Binds You is the Road to Freedom , Risk Your Friendships More in Order to Be Fully Loved, What Support Are You Blocking Yourself From Receiving? and What I Love About Being With Narcissistic People. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

As 2020 draws to a close, I was reflecting on a piece of news an old colleague of mine had posted about a lovely surprise holiday her husband had booked to a tropical location at the end of next year. Probably like many people, I am unsure whether that kind of travel will be possible again by then, but I started to wonder whether that was even the right question to be asking myself.

In his article 15 Great Quotes on the Importance of Asking the Right Question Mitch Ditkoff states how, as a consultant, he continues to be astounded by how few organisations have any kind of process to press pause, reflect and make sure they are coming up with the right questions. 

Setting aside questions about COVID19 itself for now, I started to think back to those early lockdowns, when much of the world seemed to stand still. It was a time when we as a family got to pause, reflect and take stock.

I can understand people wanting to get back to holidays and social activities, but what did that pause shed light on? There were reports of Venice’s canals running clearer, the clearest they’ve been in sixty years. An article in Science Direct sadly concluded (after research looking at the effects on the environment during the first global lockdowns) “Coronavirus itself is Earth’s vaccine and we humans are the virus”.

Talk of holidays and “getting back to normal” evokes in me a sense of frustration. I’m going to ignore the expression “the new normal” for the moment, because that seems to be more associated with control and fear, and that is not the kind of future I’m envisaging. But this idea of life going back to the way it was before the global pandemic seems ridiculous to me.

It has amplified so many issues about our environment and our social, political, economic, technological and personal challenges that it is a time in history ripe for change.

But having witnessed the relatively quick return to a lack of human connection between commuters in London after terrorist attacks in the early part of the millennium, I know how quickly distraction sets in.

During the lockdown here back in March through May, I revelled in being able to stroll out my front door and walk peacefully through our neighbourhood. But as soon as the restrictions were lessened, road traffic increased and the peaceful walks became crowded with road noise and traffic fumes, so now I have to get in my car to drive elsewhere if I want to take a peaceful walk.

I loved that my car did not get its tank refilled for over two months, it weighs on me that I consume fossil fuels. Yet, like many people around the world, I have commitments that would be extremely difficult to meet without running a vehicle. How can I find ways to change this?

How many governments and major political parties right now are even thinking about the lessons this crisis has taught us and have evolution on their agenda?

That said, I know my most effective voting takes place through the money I spend and the things I give my attention to. So where am I placing my attention? What am I spending money on? Am I using my resources in a way that would encourage the kind of change and transformation that could be for the benefit of not just me or my family, but for all of humankind, the creatures and the living planet on which we all reside?

I learned this year that I have white privilege. What other privileges do I hold? How can I give other people the benefit of my privileges? How can I help dismantle the systems of oppression within myself and for others?

I also learned from The Social Dilemma documentary that social media is six times more effective at spreading false news. Since conspiracy theories have abounded in 2020, I’ve watched friends and family become polarized on important topics to a degree that neither side seems able to hear the other.

I’ve had to ask myself, am I using social media as a tool? Or am I letting it demand my attention and manipulate my thinking? And where is my own resistance to hearing others’ opinions?
 
I learned that, in a time when our country faced a health risk, our government cut off the supply to my chosen form of healthcare and made only pharmaceuticals available. What can I do to ensure I maintain a freedom of choice in my healthcare even in times of crisis?

I learned that I was absolutely spot-on in my self assessment that I am not cut out to home school my children. Yet being able to give them and their schoolwork such individual attention led me to asking the right questions that uncovered their neurodiversity, and still more questions to find the right support and training so they can flourish. I wonder how I can support all children in their uniqueness to flourish?

I learned the importance of self sustainability. With panic buying, a lack of groceries and no access to garden supplies, keeping emergency supplies and a variety of fresh things to eat growing in our garden became more important. It highlighted all the problems I had known about with mono-farming and the way we currently source goods and services from around the world. What more can I do with our budget to encourage local and organic businesses?

I learned that reconnecting with my partner and children was simultaneously challenging and liberating. It brought about a huge amount of personal change in terms of consciously shaking off old beliefs and behavioural patterns that weren’t serving us. Where to next on that I wondered?

And then I got one of Claire Zammit’s emails that asked seven power questions:

• Where in your life have you most felt like yourself this past year?
• What have been the greatest challenges you’ve overcome?
• What can you acknowledge about yourself and your strengths?
• What is it time to let go of in your life?
• What is it time for forgive yourself for?
• What is it time to forgive others for?
• What are the old patterns that it’s time to release?

It reminded me that, while I have learned a lot about myself this year, the road ahead lies wide open for me to keep learning.  

2020 is a year that I think of as catalysing. It has led me to ask more questions than it has produced in terms of answers. I’m always impatient for change, and I know as I look back change will probably seem quicker than it feels right now.

Am I asking the right questions I wonder? So long as I keep taking time to pause and reflect on the bigger picture of my own life, I’m confident the right questions will arise.

The question is, with holiday season almost upon us at the end of this landmark year, what are the right questions for you to ask yourself right now?

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Change the World One Day at a Time, Want to Make the World a Better Place? Tune In, What Value Are You Adding to the Currencies in Your Life?, How You Are Complicit in the Oppression of Others, You See What Happens When Leaders Are Not Grown Up on the Inside and The Internal Shift You Need to Help Solve the Social Dilemma. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

This is a question that came up for me this week, and I will tell you how. But I also thought it was an interesting question to ask given how topical giving and receiving is for many people around the world at this time of year across various cultures.

Of course I am not talking about those horrid itchy socks Auntie sends every year. This is about examining my beliefs so I am open to receive all that is helpful to me on this journey of life.

The question came up when I went to an appointment with a chiropractor I hadn’t seen before. I thought I’d try something new to see if I could get any relief for the tension in my right shoulder that is often there.

I figure that at some point, along my inner journey back to authentic me, I will address the layers that are keeping my shoulder bound. Since there is nothing structurally wrong, it’s more likely related to an unhelpful thought pattern or belief (or multiple layers of unhelpful beliefs).

The chiropractor took one look at me and described what she was seeing: locked up at the pelvis, twisted on my left hand side, and that crosses over in a common pattern of tension up through my right shoulder and neck.

I explained some inner work I had done around my shoulder which revealed some emotional trauma as a baby (having to suck up or rein in my feelings when being weaned onto a rubber teat at two weeks old) and there is some past life memories there that I am aware of relating to being badly beaten for the knowledge I possessed.

This, I guess, made her feel comfortable talking to me on a metaphysical level. She explained her own understanding of the pattern she was seeing. What she told me was that we often receive an imprint of our mother’s nervous system from our time in the womb, and then when we are born our will is usually shaped by the role models around us, so our ideas about masculine and feminine often come from our mother and father, for example.

Metaphysically the left side of the body relates to the feminine and the right side to the masculine. So as she saw my left hip twisted inwards (in a defensive/protective type posture) it’s a physical representation of the feminine blocking the masculine.

The question to ask myself, therefore, is “what do I currently believe about receiving support from the masculine?” and “where am I blocking myself from receiving support?” Knowing, of course that I have aspects of both masculine and feminine within me, and I may be blocking myself from internal support and/or external support that would naturally come to me if I was open to receiving it.

Because I am a writer, I just starting writing out the response. It was fascinating to look at how my beliefs have been shaped through my experiences with my own parents, siblings, partners and other important males like coaches and grandparents.

As I sifted through memories of mum relating to me her opinions and experiences of men, the story of overhearing my uncle’s teenage friends talking about girls, for example, I was aware of little alerts getting flagged in my system. Perhaps I haven’t been as trusting of aspects of masculinity as I would otherwise have been.

I also took a look at the most enlightened and encompassing definition of masculine that I could find, I wanted to know what a fully embodied expression of masculine could look like. Devine masculine represents action, direction, movement, responsibility, strength, focus, fatherhood, the sun, generosity, encouragement, material abundance, clarity, intellect, transformation and growth.

I can certainly see, for example, being the eldest living child in my family, responsibility is something I do well, maybe too well. Maybe I even have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and don’t always let others take responsibility for themselves. This is especially important for me as my kids grow and I let go.

While there is undoubtedly more support I am blocking myself from receiving, becoming aware of where I’m blocking it is the first step to unblocking it. There are a myriad of way to change the emotional signature of my beliefs by revisiting these early memories, as I talk about in Want More Energy, Clarity and Time? but it all starts of awareness.   

In diving deeper into my associations with the masculine, I also became aware of some of the wonderful support I’ve received from men over the years.

I don’t have many memories of my grandad, he died when I was fourteen, but I do remember him taking my brother and me to feed horses at a local estate. He didn’t have a lot to say, my grandad, but there was a quiet solidity about him, like a space in which I could just safely stand as who I was without judgment of any kind. And his gentle example of feeding the giant horses helped overcome fears I had inherited from my parents’ who were not animal lovers.

There were also my swim coaches, my diving coach and the lovely gentleman who worked with me in the travel centre in one of my student’s jobs. Those guys were in my corner, and my dedication and success was their reward. They were there to show me how to give others a hand up in life, to pass on what I know.

While I feel like I have only just begun my journey of uncovering the helpful and unhelpful beliefs I have around receiving support from the masculine, it also feels like an important perspective to share. In what areas are you blocking yourself from receiving?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy What Value Are You Adding to the Currencies in Your Life? How to Live in Conscious Self Awareness in the World and You Don’t Need to Be Perfect to Make a Breakthrough. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

One topic my partner and I have often butted heads on, in the many years we have been together, is my propensity to engage in alternative ways to maintain my health and wellbeing that don’t involve a GP’s prescription pad.

While I eat fairly healthily, practice meditation and take exercise regularly, don’t partake in any of the modern habits of drinking coffee or alcohol, and use various therapies as and when I need them, he is the opposite.

We are very much opposites in many ways, but for some reason this one seems to needle him more than any other and – in turn – his reaction inflames me. What I discovered this week was the reason it triggers me so much is not actually any of the reasons I had pinned it on.

My mind had placed its bets on all the usual things that trigger me around healthcare. Amid the most stringent levels of restrictions here in New Zealand I wrote to our Prime Minister advocating for access to my customary homeopathic remedies, rather than being restricted to pharmaceuticals, for me it’s important to have freedom of choice.

But from that line of thought, anger spirals me down the path of political greed, money and pharmaceutical control and off into the realms of patriarchal oppression, which is not exactly productive when trying to resolve differences between my partner and I.

When I finally dropped into my heart space to explore what my inner sense of self had to say about it, the voice was much softer, and hurt. It said “I don’t want begrudging acceptance of my priorities; I want support and encouragement to be the best me I can be”.

I decided to sit with this and go deeper, because unlike many of the issues that rise up from my subconscious, opposition to pursuing alternative forms of healthcare doesn’t have any obvious link into my upbringing prior to my early twenties, which is when I first pursued it.

After really allowing myself to feel the way I had after our last argument about it, with my eyes closed, I then looked into the blank movie screen in my mind – a technique I first learned from Brandon Bays many years ago. It doesn’t involve searching conscious memories; it’s more about being in a deeply relaxed state and waiting for an image to appear once I asked myself when I had first felt like this.

To start with I just got vague images: a pinafore dress, a stripy top. It was me somewhere between the ages of five to seven; I had my glasses on so I must have been at least five. Those glasses were the standard issue British National Health Service glasses of the day.

While I was glad the colour range in the late nineteen seventies had expanded from the iconic plastic tortoiseshell rims, they were still limited, and I felt totally frumpy in them. That brought with it a flood of memories, the “money doesn’t grow on trees” and “there’s not enough so don’t ask” messages.

A swathe of memories related to practical clothing and footwear then came flooding into my mind, in particular this really lovely pair of navy blue leather school shoes that I really wanted but had to settle for the cheaper clumpy black ones instead.

Then there was the hideous hand knitted red aviator-style hat with small navy pom poms all over it, like one of those velcro hat-and-ball games, that I was told to wear under pain of death. And the pink brocade rubber swim hat with chin strap I was made to adorn when I first started training with the speed squad, looking like something out of a nineteen fifties synchronised swimming musical.

The list of examples that made me feel embarrassed and dowdy seemed to go on, and they all pointed to a feeling of “I’m not worth it”. And while healthcare outside of the National Health Service had never really been an issue I’d had to contend with, I certainly knew that anything deemed self indulgent was derided.

That has stuck with me, to the point that, after several whiplash injuries in my twenties, when the Osteopath told me (when I was around age thirty) he had done all he could and recommended ongoing massage therapy to manage the aches and pains, I felt guilty and self indulgent about booking a treatment.

Logically I understand the context of all these messages I had been given in my childhood. Both my parents had grown up in post war Britain, and rations were in place most of their childhood. My mum’s dad died when she was age seven and my gran was a single working mother the whole time she was growing up. Times had been tough, and – in contrast – my life was really pretty darn comfortable.

However, as a little kid who felt my light being dimmed in all these unfashionable, frumpy things that I wasn’t given any choice in, I just felt that I was not worth any extravagance.

This is one of the reasons, later in my thirties when I received a big bonus cheque from work and had no debts to pay, I took that money and carefully chose myself one of the most extravagant things I could imagine, a delicious big diamond solitaire ring, which I wore for many years.

Suffice to say, the ring did not heal me, nor did the holidays or all the clothes and other material choices I’ve had the privilege to make since, apparently still inside was the voice of a little girl who was sad because she didn’t feel worth it.

As an adult, I have come to know each and every human is born worthy; it is not something we have to earn. But that part of me hadn’t got the memo. Of course, once uncovered, I went through a process in order to soothe and heal that particular emotional signature, the same one I described in How to Heal the Past so You Can Live Your Best Present.

Listening to the beautiful Sarah Blondin this week, she reminded me that we are taught to search for our worth, taught to find ways to prove our value, by people who were lost to their own given worth too.  She says “in all of your searching and all of your gaining, you are simply uncovering what has been here all along waiting for you to discover”.

As to my partner, what lies behind his issues around this topic is for him to uncover, but if my own experience is anything to go by, I can be pretty certain it isn’t any of the things that we argued about.
For my own part, I hear Sarah’s challenge “How would your life be different, dear one, if you could remember you are worthy, as you have always been?” and her insight “it is in the moment we stop trying to prove that we learn how to receive”. Profound.

It’s interesting that it took someone trying to govern how I manage my health and wellbeing to flush out that little voice that still lived within me, but I’m glad it did because it now allows me to live more authentically.

My dream is that each human recognize and reclaim the sovereignty of their own soul, heal the emotional signature of all their childhood wounds and inherited trauma that tells them they are anything less than the beautiful, whole souls they are. We are all worthy and deserving of that.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Reclaim the Sovereignty of Your Soul, How to Heal the Past so You Can Live Your Best Present, How Relaxed About Your Own Differences Are You? and Take Your Broken Pieces and Make a Beautiful Life. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

“The wound is the place the light enters you.” Rumi

I saw this flash up in one of the Transcendence 2 episodes about emotional healing, which I had been watching fresh from the heat of an argument.  I’m not going to pretend that I let the light in and had an epiphany at this point, the feelings of the trauma recreated in the argument were still flowing through me and I was basically distracting my mind by watching.

It’s important to point out the word re-created here. I’ve moved past the phase in my life where I’m completely identified with any self limiting thought patterns for any length of time, I’ve stopped labouring on points of principle and right and wrong. But on a bad day, and in the heat of an argument, yes siree, I report for rewind and repeat duty.

Thankfully it doesn’t take long for conscious awareness to kick in, and I realise the details of the argument are not important. What is important to me is to recognise the pattern, and uncover what about the whole interaction poked at an old wound and caused the flare up into automatic pilot.  I try to use each opportunity as a chance to at least let the light in retrospectively.

In that moment, however, I was just too exhausted to do anything more than recognise that this was exactly what had happened. The self righteous voices in my head disappeared and I vowed to look at it afresh when I had the energy, clearly there was some work to be done.

I do wonder sometimes if I will ever be free enough of the encumbering patterns to live life as my kintsugi-ed essential self. Kintsugi is a traditional Japanese art that uses a precious metal (liquid gold or silver dusted with powdered gold) to bring together the pieces of a broken pottery item and at the same time enhance the breaks.

As I’ve said many times, those unhealthy thought patterns really came about from my early childhood, in the process of my making meaning about how to be loved and to survive. I know I came into this life with an expectation of growth and expansion, so I look at the process of taking on those thoughts (which started out as helpful forty years ago), recognising they are no longer helpful, then healing and integrating them, in a similar way to kintsugi.

In a bid to quantify this in some way, earlier today I drew out what I called the pain body. The inspiration came to me after watching an energy healer do work on moving stuck energy in a couple of peoples’ biofield. As she worked through their fields, identifying and clearing traumas, it was very clear that both people viewed trauma differently.

Unlike the healer, I know both these people well. One, who I know to be highly sensitive, empathic and more likely to assign meaning to events, had a significantly larger amount of stuck energy in their field. The other, who tends to be more present in their body, had relatively little stuck energy.

There were also no real surprises in their fields, as both had previously talked about the issues that came up. The surprise was that those issues were stuck in there because of the depth of emotion that had been felt and meaning assigned to them by the individual.

I created a picture in my head of my own biofield projecting out around me with the significant events in my life reflected in it. Within my body I saw the beliefs, the repeated thought patterns, which I had developed as a result of making meaning of these events and their potential to cause disease. While many of my beliefs will have had their origins in the time before conscious thought or memory, the stuck patterns will have reflected themselves in later life events anyway and are likely quite visible.

So I first listed out all the significant events I could think of year by year. This ran to three pages. I thought about the two people whose biofield I’d witnessed being cleared and imagined if I were like the second person, and did not feel so much around me, I’d likely have less than a page.

The usefulness in this thought was really only in appreciating how different we all are. We all carry unwanted baggage around with us, but I have high sensory sensitivity, am an empath and meaning maker by nature so my baggage cart was so full I could not even see myself behind it when I started becoming aware of all this on the journey to me.

“The worst predator is our thoughts” says Dawson Church. If you feel any sort of discomfort that is a sure sign you have emotional baggage. Then one of the other presenters in Transcendence 2 asked “Is there someone you haven’t forgiven?” and I know the answer to that in most cases is me. I am very good at forgiving others, but seem to have unreasonably high standards for myself.

This week, after a nostalgic conversation with an old friend, it took me back to a time in my childhood when I was less encumbered, it was nice to feel into that and get a good look at the girl pushing the baggage cart. It’s a useful technique to imagine a conversation between present day me and child me, because I find it a lot easier to forgive myself in hindsight.

My friend was encouraging my writing and it got me to thinking about some of the other people in my life that have really cheered me on and believed in me, even when I didn’t believe in myself. As I result I decided to get in touch with my first swim coach and share with him what his belief in me had meant through the years, only to discover that he had sadly died back in July of 2018.

I lost touch with him in my twenties, and had kicked myself for not getting in touch with him in 2016 when I wrote Magic Happens When You Believe in People. Bill Tinney was the kind of man everyone only had good things to say about, and he took time out his busy schedule to break things down for me so I could perfect my technique.

After I had exchanged a couple of emails with his son, I walked out onto our deck to take a look at the night sky and, would you believe it, I saw a shooting star. I like to think that was Bill acknowledging he had heard and understood, and was still cheering me on.

I figure if I am going to look at what is encumbering me, I should also look at the good stuff: the things that went well in my life, the helpful beliefs I held, the happy moments and the people who believed in me, those are the parts that are worth dwelling on. In fact, these are the very things I need to expand on to get in a better feeling place more of the time

I’ll finish up with a quote from BrightVibes “Stop being ashamed of how many times you have fallen, and start being proud of how many times you have got up.” No matter how broken, the willingness to take ownership of and examine our broken pieces allows the light to enter and the wound to be healed and integrated into a stronger, less encumbered and more expanded you.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Great Relationships Happen When You Put You First, Do You Really Know the Different Parts of You?, Change Unhealthy Reactions and Get in Touch With What You Want for Your Future – Recognise Your Brain Is Dwelling in the Past. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

The only way to be at ease with the world around me, is to be at ease with the world within me; which feels like a big job at times. It never ceases to amaze me how I might face the same circumstances as hundreds – thousands, or even millions – of other people and yet the range of responses to those circumstances is as varied as the people involved or even just observing.

Right now there is an excellent example of this globally with around a billion kids on the planet, who usually attend school, finding themselves at home with parents like me who are suddenly expected to home school on top of everything else. Or are we?

As I contemplated this whole arena of my kids learning at home during lock down, knowing I have actively considered and rejected the idea of home schooling for my family many times, my mind wandered to what my legal obligations actually are at this time.

After a few Google searches, I could find no answers. It reminded me of when my curiosity led me to investigate what our legal obligations are around attendance, how it is recorded and what actually constitutes a red flag. I like transparency and, instead, what I seemed to find is smoke and mirrors.

If I feel there is an expectation set around me delivering something, I get triggered. As a recovering perfectionist and people pleaser, this homeschooling stuff It is right on target to test me. This is the crux of what I mean about becoming at ease with my inner world, the felt expectation is a narrative I created about the outer world.

And while it is likely there are people in political power and the educational arena that have their own agenda and are indeed driving those expectations, I also recognise the opportunity that home schooling gives me at this time.

The fact is, my kids need some sort of attention, many times in each day; for my youngest it is a great deal of the day. I have choices: I can determinedly plough on with what I’m trying to achieve for myself, I can sweep aside all of that and just focus on my children, or I can manage some of both those things. The key for me is the word manage.

I need a plan; I had one in fact before we ever went into lockdown. I knew it was a prime opportunity to teach my kids how to get involved more in looking after themselves and the home they live in, there is also quite a number of card games and board games that largely get ignored in our house that I could see would be useful additions to managing the family dynamic.

Device time is a non starter for us, we already conducted that human experiment and came out the other side as I talked about in What Addiction Has to Teach Us on the Pathway to Joy. We certainly did not want to be cooped up with two frazzled kids, but I could see this was an opportunity for us to connect more as a family and cultivate respectful communication and compassion for one another.

What about school work? In its doses. There are things my kids are drawn to, and things they hate, this feels like the time to focus on what they are drawn to.

A good friend shared with me the words her child’s school had sent about accessing online learning materials throughout the lockdown; they were salve to my soul:

“The work on the Distance Learning site are suggestions only. It is up to individuals families to decide how much of the work their children complete. They are not intended to place undue stress on your family at this time.”

It was as if a weight lifted from my shoulders and my heart had space to breathe. I needed to hear that.

While it wasn’t directly from my own kids’ school, with the flight or fight response within me now set at ease, common sense and rational thought did manage to kick in. If that had come from a school in our country, it is the answer I had been seeking.

The communication went on like an enchanting, deeply resonant song drawing me in:

“Don't worry about your child regressing in school. Every single child is in this boat and they all will be okay. When we are back in the classroom, we will focus on their learning and meet their educational needs. Teachers are experts at this!

Don't pick fights with your children because they don't want to do any activities. Don't scream at your children for not following the timetable. Don't insist on 2 hours of learning time if they are resisting it. See if you can make learning fun through their play.

Over the coming weeks, you may see an increase in behaviour issues with your children. Whether it's anxiety, or anger, or protests that they can't do normal things - it will happen. You will potentially see more meltdowns, tantrums, and oppositional behaviour. This is normal and expected under these circumstances.

What children need right now is to feel comforted and loved. To feel like it is all going to be okay.”

In short, this kind of heart-felt communication set the perfectionist and people pleaser in me at ease. I felt understood, I felt my children were understood; I felt validated. I recognised that this is exactly the kind of communication I need to write to myself more often.

While this is a deep process of conscious learning for me, I also recognise there are many parents who don’t have these same triggers. They may be adopting the home school curriculum and that works well for them and their family, or they may wholeheartedly take an entirely different direction without even a thought or a care for what anyone thinks or expects.

My triggers are not necessarily your triggers, but you can be sure if you are feeling ill at ease in the world right now you are being triggered by something. Become aware of the narratives in your head, this is your opportunity to do something about them, it does not serve you to be in a chronic flight or fight state.

Yes, there is a new virus out there. Someone you know or someone you care about may even have died, and this – like all death – is hard for those left trying to figure out who they are in the world without that loved one. However, most people will not catch nor die from the virus; I know the more robust my immune system, the more likely I am to remain healthy. Nothing compromises a human immune system quicker than fear (check out Want Better Health? Be Shrewd About Stress for more information on that).

The chances are that you, like me, are faced with the challenges, and therefore opportunities, these movement restrictions have created. This is life calling you to become unencumbered of ideas and beliefs that may have served you once, but no longer do. Dive into the narratives, and really challenge yourself on whether those narratives help or hinder you.

Becoming at ease with our inner world is the key to being at ease in the world around us.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Is This the Opportunity of a Lifetime?, Are You Overlooking the Obvious Opportunities in Your Life? and What to Do if You Feel Trapped By Your Circumstances. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I got an email today from someone in lockdown who is struggling to see any of the positive aspects in her life. It is serendipitous as I’d just been ruminating on the messages life has sent me over the years that I’d completely missed.

In hindsight I can see that some things I disregard or push away are the things I need to embrace. In fact, all the things in my life that feel uncomfortable, stressful or painful are all telling me something important.

The general thought pattern in my head goes like this “The thing I feel most inspired towards/want the most is X (fill in the blank), this particular issue has nothing to do with that and it doesn’t inspire me so I’m not going to focus on it.” In fact, it is fair to say I usually feel it would be easier to focus on all the other, less important, things if only I could have the one thing I desired the most first.

That blank (the thing I feel more inspired towards/want the most in my life) has been different things for me at different times. It’s not something that usually changes on a daily basis, but rather something that becomes an overarching or dominant theme for an extended period of time. And the longer I don’t have it, the more strongly I want it and the more I think about it, yearn for it and feel its absence.

As I was reminded by Claire Zammit in her Unlock Your Feminine Power talk recently, I do have aspirations in all areas of my life, and it is often helpful to focus on something of less importance in order to create some positive momentum.

There is no greater example of this in my life than when I wanted to start a family. After years of trying and four unsuccessful pregnancies, as I describe in Food for Your Best Life, it was only when I felt I’d done all I could and decided instead to focus on my overall health and wellbeing the way forward presented itself.

However, this is obviously not a lesson easily learned for me as I still have a tendency to focus on my main desire to the exclusion of all else. Yet when I turn to the other areas in my life that need attention, and are usually easier to get traction on, I get so much positive momentum. Usually, in hindsight, I see they were all intrinsically linked like a magic code to unlocking my deeper desire.

I’ll give you some examples. Despite my experiences that led to finally having the family I had dreamed of, I had gotten off track with my diet after the kids arrived. For a number of years I knew my body fitness and health needed some attention but it was not my dominant theme. My dominant theme was about uncovering my life’s purpose.

I allowed myself the excuses of a busy work life and a busy home life, and had argued in my mind that I could get through until about age sixty without making drastic changes, by then I’d have the time and energy to focus on it as the kids would be grown.

Then a couple of years ago life decided it had enough of my crappy excuses and sent some stronger messages as I contended with my first kidney stone, which I wrote about in What Are Our Thought Patterns Really Doing for Us?

I knew the changes that I wanted to make, I wanted to take up swimming again and eat a diet that resembled something consistently closer to nature rather than anything processed. Having given my mind permission to ignore this until I was sixty, my body rebelled.

My body had decided instead that my mid-forties were more suitable and delivered me some straight forward calls to action through my osteopath as I wrote about in Get Moving to Get Moving: Where Physical Exercise Fits into the Soul Journey and Listening to the Signs – My Road to Health.

In the midst of this I realised my life’s purpose - as discussed in How My Kids Helped Me Find My Purpose (and it is not them) – and my deepest desire then evolved into a desire to understand how to live my life’s purpose, how to be of service in the here and now.

Meanwhile the relationship I have with my partner is another example of an area of my life that was (and is) important to me, and it wanted its time in the sun despite my attention being focused on how to live my life’s purpose. As this year got underway, having come out of the long summer school holidays here in the southern hemisphere and an extended visit from a family member drawing to a close, I was ready for a big out breath; finally some time to myself.

However, only four days later my partner had an accident. Instead of out working, he found himself at home, incapacitated, for a few months. To give this context, he is a person who likes to be productive and enjoys being out and about serving his customers, meanwhile I enjoy the solitude that (and the kids being at school) brings.

This happened before our country was particularly concerned about the spread of COVID19 and a month before lockdown. I won’t deny that I had my moment of anguished “why me?” and “are you kidding me?” cries to the universe. My partner and I had not spent that much time alone together since before the kids were born and, while it required some major mental shifts on both our parts, it was a true gift.

Now, in light of the lock down, it has actually turned out to be such a blessing. That time together enabled us to be on a more solid footing together before the kids got added to the 24/7 environment.  As I described in Is This the Opportunity of a Lifetime? It is allowing us to work on our whole family dynamic and relationships.

Would I have chosen any of these things? The answer would be an emphatic no. However, I cannot deny that these are all areas of my life that are flourishing as a result of giving them some positive attention. That being the key, I think, they are all now receiving my positive attention rather than the negative light I saw them in beforehand.

Another area of my life coming to light, that I have been pushing away for some time, is about creative expression. I decided the other day that – while we are all in isolation together – I have to find a project I can work on in snatches that gives me an outlet for expressing that deeper part of me. The obvious answer, since I love to explore and focus my thoughts through writing is to write a book (or at least start one); something many people have suggested.

This idea is one I have never really felt inspired towards, but when I consider how uninspired I was about improving my health and relationships, and how well that has turned out, I’m thinking it’s an idea at least worthy of consideration since it keeps coming up.

It also tackles another area that I’ve been ignoring, and that is taking time for myself when the rest of the family are around. If ever there was a prime opportunity for cultivating that it is now.

There is a quote by Rumi “what you seek, is seeking you”, so what is seeking you right now? What challenges are you facing, and therefore what opportunities are staring you right in the face? If ever there was a time to really confront the obvious, it is now.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy in Life Really Does Support Your Deepest Desires (And How to Access Its Support) or What to Do if You Feel Trapped By Your Circumstances. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

As a parent, two issues that I have really struggled with, and been out of synch with my partner on, are TV and processed foods. From early on I noticed my kids seemed to exhibit addictive behaviour around these two things.

What does addictive behaviour look like? There is never enough TV or so called treats, there are long drawn and often violent reactions to the withdrawal of these things, a constant longing for them to the exclusion of other, healthier, alternatives (like a trip to the park, or a good meal), and frankly there is a lack of motivation and connection to life. 

But I don’t think the issue is the TV or processed foods; I believe the issue is why they are drawn to them. The same could be said of any addiction. As a society, it seems that certain things (take drugs as an example) are vilified and criminalized even, while other potentially (more) harmful and addictive things (like cigarettes, alcohol, TV, social media etc) are legal and commonplace.

This week I was talking to someone who is in the process of firmly drawing some boundaries around the behaviours she will accept from an alcoholic partner. She understands where the desire to numb likely comes from; it is a result of a family history and trauma most of us would agree was horrific.

However, Dr Gabor Maté, a Hungarian-born Canadian physician (and Jewish survivor of the Holocaust) says of childhood trauma “yes this includes terrible events such as sexual exploitation, violence etc, but it also refers to any set of events that, over time, impose more pain on the child than his or her sensitive organism can process and discharge.

Trauma can occur when parents are too stressed, too distracted, too depressed, too beset by economic worry, too isolated etc to respond to a sensitive child’s need to be seen, emotionally held, heard, validated, made to feel secure. Thus, this is the kind of pain that also occurs in normal, happy, childhoods.”

I can easily see why my kids would have felt the need to soothe themselves using TV or treats, in a world where I – as a normal parent in this day and age – went to work and they spent most of their days in another person’s home with someone who (albeit lovely and loving) was not their mother. And when I was around them I was certainly stressed and distracted a lot of the time.

In Beyond Drugs: The Universal Experience of Addiction, Dr Gabor Maté says “addiction is neither a choice nor an inherited disease, but a psychological and physiological response to painful life experiences.”

Most addicted people use no drugs at all… Addiction is manifested in any behaviour a person craves,  finds temporary relief or pleasure in but suffers negative consequences as a result of and yet has difficulty giving up…It can encompass any human behaviour from work to shopping, sex to eating, extreme sports to TV to compulsive internet use, the list is endless.”

When Maté asks his patients what their addictive focus gives them, universally the answers are about coping with stress, escaping emotional pain, giving peace of mind, a sense of control or connection with others.

As I said in Our Sensitive Souls, “For those of us that are sensitive in our temperament, Maté’s work may lend some interesting insights to assist in healing the scars that run deep in our psyche. In an increasingly frenetic world, where overstimulation abounds, we have a job to do in helping ourselves and our children understand and nurture our strengths”.

To do this job well, I also have to understand the coping mechanisms, soothers or addictions, which have nestled into the cracks. Becoming aware of what I do, what my partner does and what the kids do in order to tune out/zone out/escape reality is a vitally important step in being able to meet life head on and find emotional balance.

Talking with someone else this week, who has a grandchild diagnosed with ADHD (Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder), I can see how it has served me to give in to my children’s desire for more screen time because, honestly, dealing with the constant emotional tantrums and outbursts is exhausting and screen time provides a welcome reprieve.

However, it does not help my kids to be present, nor happy, in the world around them. It doesn’t help them to find ways to regulate their emotions, build resilience, connect with other people and build relationships and patience, As Simon Sinek says in this clip about the Millennial Generation, where will they find real joy?

The same is true of any addiction. If I can’t find my way through pain without tuning out or numbing myself against it, what chance do I have of finding real joy in my life? And what does that mean for the people around me?

These words came to me “I love all your broken pieces, but I can't live with you treating me like I'm the one who broke you. When you learn to recognise and love those jagged edges the way I do, then we can live in love.” Addiction causes pain to those around us, the ones we supposedly love.

Any addiction points to pain, which points to childhood coping mechanisms that require healing. Recognising and dealing with the consequences of our childhood trauma seems to me to be the most important thing we can collectively do to open the pathway to more joy.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy The People Who Hurt Us Are Vehicles for Our Growth, Learn to See What Is in Plain Sight and Leverage Your Feelings to Find Your Authentic Self. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog