Empowering Reflections: Lessons on Finding Your Voice From Adversity

Image by Dean Moriarty from Pixabay

When I read something that really resonates with me, I have a journal that I capture that sentence or paragraph in. These words help me to understand parts of myself or my life in ways I haven’t been able to, they capture the essence of what I have also experienced or believe to be true. Some books I can consume and write nothing, even although I enjoy them, but reading Belinda Alexandra’s memoirs have resulted in many more journal entries than I’ve written in quite a while.

Belinda is one of my favorite novelists, and her latest book delves into the aftermath of a traumatic event that deeply impacted her life. It is interwoven with the stories of her family and ancestors that have inspired and Emboldened her.

Reading about Belinda's recovery process, I couldn't help but notice parallels with my own experiences.

When I wrote Who Are You Protecting? Why Telling Your Story Is Powerful I explored the reluctance many of us feel to share our experiences, even though doing so can be profoundly liberating. We often fail to realise that those around us may be enduring similar struggles in silence. Yet, it's these very patterns of secrecy and shame that perpetuate societal issues, underscoring the importance of bringing our stories into the light.

In that post, I shared how seemingly ordinary childhood experiences left me hyper-attuned to others, overly sensitive to criticism, and a perfectionist, especially in times of stress. While adaptive in some contexts, these traits proved detrimental to my relationships. Becoming a parent made it clear I needed to address certain aspects of myself, particularly my lack of healthy boundaries.

However, it wasn't until I weathered an unexpected separation and the accompanying trauma a few years ago that I truly began to grasp the lessons I needed to learn. Dealing with the legal system to reach agreements was an experience I wouldn't wish upon anyone. While legal advice is essential, I highly recommend mediation with neutral third parties whenever possible. My sense of justice and fairness was severely tested during this time as I received correspondence upon correspondence that appeared completely lacking in acknowledging my rights far less my opinions.

One of my favorite insights from Belinda's book is when she describes how, out of her traumatic situation, she became her own best and truest friend for life. "No one will stand up for me better than me," she writes. "The only person guaranteed to be in my life forever is me." This resonated deeply with me. Loved ones may come and go, and professionals may have their own agendas, but the only constant in my life is me. No one can represent me like I can, now that I know myself better.

Getting to know myself took time, energy and the willingness to keep learning. It requires being an observer in my own head, heart and body. As Belinda astutely observes, few are willing to undertake this introspective journey, preferring instead to distract themselves from confronting who they truly are – “as if they are afraid of what they might find”.

That is no wonder really, since we rejected parts of ourselves unconsciously as kids because they didn’t “fit in” to the family dynamic. Thus we have an unexplored but lurking fear that those parts of us are in some way dangerous to our survival. Yet, it's precisely in these moments of self-confrontation that we uncover our authenticity. As Belinda aptly puts it, "the more grounded I feel within myself, the less vulnerable I feel with others."

Among the most common insidious subconscious thought patterns among us humans are "I'm not worthy" and "I'm not good enough." These thoughts hinder us when dealing with people who lack empathy and compassion, and have an attitude of grandiosity or self-entitlement. I had to learn to back myself, understanding that I can't always rely on others to approve of what I do.

Somewhere in my mind I had thought that all people would be fair when confronted with rational and reasonable explanations, because that is how life was for me growing up. While I might not have been instantly seen or heard, if I really wanted something I presented an argument and was often acknowledged. Yet life has taught me since that many more people than I would have guessed are literally out for themselves regardless of the cost to others. Some feed on the explanations I was so used to needing to present.

As Belinda shared insights gleaned from her research for one of her novels, she suggests that life’s setbacks often harbor the very lessons we need to fulfill our ultimate purpose. While I wouldn’t wish traumatic experiences upon anyone, I've found solace in the opportunities they open for self-discovery and growth, and developing resilience and confidence in the face of adversity.

When Belinda talked about "people who – due to their own perverse and disordered psychology – delight in seeing us fail," I had my own experiences to draw upon. Learning to back myself, and recognising situations and people that are unhealthy, were important lessons to learn.

I encourage you to share your story with someone you trust, embracing vulnerability and authenticity. Reflect on moments of adversity or trauma that have shaped your journey. Consider how these experiences have impacted your relationship with yourself and others. Are there aspects of yourself you've hesitated to confront? By embracing self-awareness and compassion, it not only fosters personal growth and resilience, but it also paves the way for future generations to be more authentic.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Overwhelm? Worry? Lack of Confidence? Parts Work and Its Importance to Your Growth, Presence Your True Needs, Talents and Desires to Step Into the State of Fullness, A Useful Hack to Gain Clarity From the Things That Capture Your Attention and It’s Time to Get Savvy With That Thing Called Love. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.