I have been reading Florence Grace by author Tracey Rees, a saga set in the Victorian era. Someone who endorsed it said “the whole book feels so very wise, as if it contains half the answers to life”, I concur, it really did feel like that. I find the truths of life get reflected in many ways, and relish it when they turn up in stories.

Life can present us with all sorts of challenges, certainly my own has been full of ups and downs and yet I wouldn’t change any of it. In this story, when Florrie’s Cornish grandmother dies leaving her an orphan, she is taken in by the other side of her family she never knew and leaves the hardworking Cornish life she has grown up with to be reshaped as a lady into London society.

Although only a young teenager, she and her tempestuous cousin Turlington are immediately drawn to one another. Over the years they grow ever closer as she matures but, as cousins, their grandfather forbids any relationship. And so begins a secret affair until their grandfather dies with unexpected consequences, upon which Turlingon spirals back into drink, darkness and disappearing; as has been his pattern when he hits upon life’s challenges. Florence reflects:

Suddenly I remembered a sunlit morning years ago, waiting impatiently for Old Rilla to come home so I could tell her of meeting (the brothers) Sanderson and Turlington at the dance in Truro and ask her what it all meant.

“When life wants you to take a step forward, she had said, when it wants you to learn something, it sends you love...

Love is a strange and mystical force. It leads you down avenues you would never otherwise tread. It is always – always – about so much more than the coming together of two people. If we want a life we listen”.

Well I was learning and the lessons were hard, I remembered something else she said “It is not for the faint hearted. Love is no storybook emotion. It is like the sea. It is the most beautiful thing there is but it also has the potential to destroy everything. It takes lives, changes lives, beguiles us and lures us and disappoints us. It breaks hearts. It can send you mad. To think love and marriage are the same thing is like thinking the sea and a bucket of water are the same”.

As she has some space and reflects on their relationship she comes to understand how she loses herself around Turlington. Theirs was no harmonious union that would enrich them both, it was more of a compelling force that seemed to want to consume until they could do nothing but implode.

Throughout the book, Florence has flashes of insight about people and their character as she meets them, much as I do. And, at times, she meets people that she instantly recognises as kindred spirits, as do I. Eventually she comes to her knowing and decides to return to her life in Cornwall, she tells Old Rilla:

When I first saw Turlington again in London my soul whispered to me then, Kindred, it said. And something about that word – I was not even sure what it meant then – made me trust him. I thought my heart was safe with him.

“What else did it say, was it only kindred?” asked Old Rilla.

“No, it said kindred then it said broken and lonely. Oh.”

Old Rilla waved her hand as if dispersing midges. “The beginning, middle and end of it, all there in those three words. How could you ever be safe with someone broken and lonely? Yet how could you ever have avoided what happened since he was kindred?”

I was young, I agreed, I had no wisdom.

She shook her head ”Even then, there is no wisdom can protect you from the people you were sent here to love, nor the lessons you were meant to learn. Not every love story has a happy ending. It makes it no less a love story for all that. The next time Kindred comes knocking at your door – and it will – you will have no say in the matter”.

I frowned, promising myself I would never let myself believe that feeling of destiny again. In fact, if I ever felt t again, I would run as far away as possible.

As time goes on Florence reconciles herself and, in her heart, wishes Turlington well from afar as she pursues a new life back in Cornwall on her own terms.

In my own life I have also been drawn to relationships that felt kindred, and this led me to question my intuition. When the lessons life wanted me to learn were about my own unhelpful tendencies and patterns of behaviour (hyper attunement to others, anxious attachment, codependency etc) there was a time when I lost my trust in my own judgment, including my intuition. 

But as I look back, the other words that came up as first impressions of the kindred people I was drawn to, were words like “trouble”, “misunderstood”, “cool/distant”, “uncompromising” and “self centred”. I can see how all of these were ultimately helpful in my stepping forwards and learning things like self respect, self care, self love, healthy boundaries and how to self regulate.

Over time I have rebuilt a better faith in my judgment and I now trust my intuition again. Yes there were times I stayed in the story longer than needs be, but I wouldn’t change any of it for the lessons I learned and the gifts I have, my children included.

It did make me smile when, in the postscript of the novel (set a few years later), kindred does indeed come knocking again:

A stranger comes to call “Do I not need any help?” he wonders.

I do not. There is work to be done certainly, but there are three of us living here already to do it. However, the stranger is beautiful. I hesitate. I look into his eyes and see constellations there, my head swims a little. I am taken by an unaccountable longing to put my arms around him; somehow I know what it would feel to hold him.

A gentle man. Warm. Kindred.

I know this feeling. I know instinct is one thing, reality another. I know nothing about him – whether he is married, whether he drinks, if he has a hidden temper. I should thank him, decline and offer some food for his journey. Instead, I follow my heart. It’s the only way to live a life. “Would you like to come in?” I ask.

That was a beautiful way to end the story, a valuable reminder that when life sends you love, if you want to live a life, trust it and follow your destiny.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Step in the Direction of Your Destiny, How to Live in Conscious Self Awareness in the World, Embrace Compassion Over Combat to Step Into Your True Power, Are You Willing to Take Your Sovereignty While Allowing Other People Theirs? and Looking Back to See the Clues to Your Destiny.  To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Image by Oleg Gamulinskii from Pixabay

Talking with a friend of mine this week, they made a comment about what a useless mess they used to be, perhaps still are. I asked “Whose voice is that that tells you that you were/are a useless mess?”

They replied “No one”.

I persisted “When does it remind you of? From your youngest years did anyone ever say anything like that?”

Straight away they recalled a teacher who did. She had only lasted a term at their school but said my then seven year old friend’s cutting was abysmal and their story was preposterous and could never happen. 

Interesting isn't it, I find the voices in our head that are less than loving are never our own, their roots are usually in that first seven years. Buying into them then was a matter of survival, yet they shape our sense of self for years

My friend had never spared that teacher one thought until now, and yet she had shaped a narrative that had run unconsciously throughout their life. 

Reflecting my friend said “Actually she was like that with everyone, obviously a very unhappy lady. When you work out someone is like that with everyone you can step back”.

While that is true of an adult brain that can rationalise, my friend at age seven could not, therein lies the rub. When we start to wire these beliefs in our heads, we are too young for rational thought, there is no stepping back, and so we begin to buy into things that aren't true about ourselves.

This then attracts more "evidence" to match those beliefs. My friend had a list of bosses and partners that had echoed those words over the years. When someone tells them how useless they are, that's their current day version of the teacher. It's no truer now than it was then. But it feels like it could be true because it's so deeply embedded in there. Herein lays the very roots of psychology.

It's only as we get older we might become conscious of these things, my friend can clearly see it has been a convenient way of others controlling them, yet that old voice persists at times. Which is a perfect examples of how there are at least two parts of us, often conflicting, operating simultaneously.

I pointed out to my friend, who had gone on in detail to tell me why those bosses were wrong “Look at all those perfect points of evidence you can find for not being useless. Yet there is still the voice that says I'm useless which is where we began this conversation, with you thinking you were a useless mess in your early teens, throughout life and perhaps even now”.

Let me give you an example of my own. I made a conscious decision back in 2016 not to rush back into any kind of work outside the home after I finished a consulting job. I knew I just needed to be home and present in mind for the kids and if I worked elsewhere it would compromise that.

When I went through a separation, I again made the conscious decision to use some of the capital from the house sale to live on so I could continue to be there for the kids and then gradually, over a number of years, start taking on more work. I also knew – and still do - I just needed the space and time to be kind to myself and start to feel in control of my life.

Despite all that there is a constant and persistent voice in my head that says I should be out there getting work, I need to be earning more income and so forth, that sometimes gets reflected in questions from others about my plans. Then there's that more peaceful, loving inner knowing that says "It's all good, everything is perfectly on track, be gentle and keep following your intuition, what's for you won't go by you".

The words should and need are big clues that this is old patterns. There's nothing I feel inspired towards other than what I'm doing, but I have the productivity bug well wired in there. As it's a constant in my head and I keep pushing it away, I decided to tune and really listen to it.

When I gave it the floor in a meditative state, I noticed the voice is very persistent. It’s worried, irrational, pacing, scared I'm going to run out of money and not be able to feed myself or the children. It even used words like "Are you a woose?"  These are the voices of my early childhood.

Now I know from both study and experience that voice isn't going away, it's hard wired in there, thinking it's keeping me "safe". Which is was in my childhood, I knew what needed to be done to stop the grownups getting at me. There's no overriding it, "the work" of growing is to become aware of it, befriend it, thank it for trying to keep me safe, and repurpose it. It's a process that takes time and persistence, but it can be done.

There's dozens of parts of us like that we are largely unaware of except through bad feelings when we are down on ourselves. Yet it's the essence of who we show up as and what's running the show. And hence my friend had attracted boss after boss or partner that thinks they are useless, because there's a big part of them thought that might actually be true contrary to all the evidence.

When I coach people, I know it's useless helping them define goals and visions for their life unless they're willing to become the person of their visions. People have to feel like they are “enough” (and not useless, for example) to pull those things off, that is the growth challenge. Unless we do the work to befriend that part of us we think isn't enough and consciously work on reframing that, we are less likely to realise our dreams. 

It’s so critical to me helping myself and helping others, I certainly would not take on a client who couldn't understand this concept and be accountable for working with those saboteur parts of themselves. But as a friend, that is a whole other challenge, to see the potential in people, to sometimes even be privy to the saboteur parts of them, and yet to embrace them and love them as they are.

As I mentioned previously, Briana MacWilliam makes an excellent point that unrealized potential can be as much of a soul purpose as realized potential can. For someone as committed to the growth path as I am, that in itself is a growth challenge for me personally to accept in those I love.

I was listening to an interview this week with author Bruce Tift about his new book Already Free: Buddhism Meets Psychotherapy on the Road to Liberation. It was an interesting and helpful reminder of the freedom that is already inherent in our existence.

He says that by focusing always on the present (in which there are no problems from the more Fruitional Buddhist view) we ignore the patterns of unhelpful thoughts or behaviours that can only be revealed through taking a more Developmental view of our experience over linear time. And, to the contrary, by looking at this idea that we aren’t whole or can’t be present or free until we have dealt with all these patterns is equally unhelpful because in any one moment we have the ability to be fully present and loving and loving and whole.

So in that sense, it’s for me helpful to be switching between these two perspectives in ways that enhance the experience wherever I am or whomever I am with. Because while it is true that my friend has this unhelpful narrative, it is for my friend to whether this is something they would like to work with or not.

Meanwhile, my friend is still the same person I adored before we talked about this narrative, I just understand them a bit better now and it adds to the complex picture of our frailties, strengths and humanity.

So where in your life have you noticed some of these unhelpful narratives? Is it time to give these parts of you the floor and really listen so you can reshape the narrative into something more helpful, or are you happy as you are?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Do You Really Know the Different Parts of You? How to Live in Conscious Self Awareness in the World, How to Surrender to the More Loving Inner Self, Life Really Does Support Your Deepest Desires (And How to Access Its Support) and Should We Abandon Happiness as the Impossible Dream?  To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Someone asked me this week what it really means to surrender to one’s inner self and how to do it - and since the divinity within them is the same within me - how to know what their divinity is. Interesting and deep questions.

I did respond that those answers are inside them, but I can share my own experience and interpretation.

For me it’s been about learning to recognise the learned unhealthy reactions and insecurities I have versus my true inner voice. My thoughts of that learned inner voice, sometimes called the inner critic, can feel frenetic, rigid, obsessive, sharp etc. Whereas my true inner voice, my eternal self, my divinity if you will, is calm, peaceful and loving.

As I was sharing that I thought about the voice in my head that keeps telling me I should be building my business more, straight away it made me smile as I thought about how obviously it’s my inner critic. Perhaps I have some work to do to get that part of me on board with taking my time, going at my own pace and acting on inspiration, which is what the quieter, calmer, more loving voice is guiding me towards.

When I identify voices like this, I ask “where in my childhood do I recognise that voice from?” and thus begins the process of self awareness, usually some reframing and – depending on how persistent the voice is – a need for more inner somatic work that helps rewire my nervous system’s response to a need for safety.

The question about our divinity started with a supposition that the divinity within them is the same within me. My personal belief is that this is not the case. For sure I believe we are all part of one thing, interconnected. However, I belief that each person, each animal, each tangible and intangible thing here on Earth and in our universe, is its own unique expression of that thing.

That is why I would point people back to themselves for answers. Sure take inspiration from others, absorb what resonates within you (in the sense of it resonates with your calm and loving inner voice rather than the inner critic). But be discerning because each of us – from our innate gifts and talents, to our experiences – are all different and unique.

Sometimes we are so wrapped up in that inner critic, so identified with it, we just can’t see the wood from the trees. I have a dear friend like this who is kind and gentle; giving by nature, but constantly gives away so much of themselves that they perhaps then gets taken advantage of and it makes them ill. They believe it must be no more than they deserve, that maybe they are just not meant to be happy.

I can identify with this from my own experiences of the past, but it’s just not true, our life experience is determined by the ways in which we choose to view it. I know that first hand. Time and again we hear from those who, in the extremes of life, chose to be survivors rather than victims as they share with us their personal experiences and thoughts.

I’ve been going back through some of my own personal development journals and files of late, synthesizing what I’ve learned so I can crystallise what’s relevant into a teachable format, particularly around boundaries and communication.

I came across an exercise from three years ago where I had to list how I know my boundaries are being overstepped in a relationship, and then I had to prioritize them. At the time I was able to look at the relationship I was in and articulate the ways in which I felt my boundaries were being overstepped, for example, when my personal beliefs and priorities were under attack.

It was refreshing to read through the list knowing that none of these things are now true in my life, and neither would I now subscribe to any relationship that so compromised my own boundaries. I’m now clear on where my boundaries are, and equipped to be able to hold them in equal regard to others. I know when it’s worthwhile working through differences, and I know when it’s time to walk away.

I understand how I became susceptible to such an enormous suppression and compromise of my true self because I learned to hear and to differentiate the voices in my head. How did I learn this? I learned to tune in. Firstly through meditation, just observing my thoughts and letting them go. The more I observed and let go, the more I was able to observe in an increasingly detached way at will.

Then as Eckhart Tolle says “Who then was this me observing?”, I made space for my eternal self to become more known, to hear the whispers of my soul and get glimpses of that divine spark within that knows why I chose to come here and what I wanted from this life.

It’s not been an easy journey and in many ways I’d say that listening to my inner voice is not yet second nature, I’m still at the ‘consciously reframing and reacting differently’ stage in many aspects of my life. But for the first time in a long time – in ever perhaps – I feel like I can fully breathe in life and what it has to offer in ways that are unique to me.

Where the inner critic screams “more more, faster faster, do do”, my calmer, loving, more peaceful voice says “There is no hurry; all is well, everything is as it should be”.

Truly, far from the teachings of my youth, I have learned the true meaning of the word faith for myself. I have every faith that what’s for me won’t go by me, and if I miss it the first time because I’m so trapped in my inner critic’s voice, it will come back around again, and again, and again.

Surrender is no more than a choice, the choice in any given moment about which voice we are choosing to pay heed to.

So where does this resonate with your inner voice? Is it the loving voice or the inner critic? And in what ways can you start to lift your life’s experience by surrendering to that more loving, calm and peaceful part of you?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy What to Do if You Feel Trapped By Your Circumstances, Surrender to Your Inner Self, Meditation – the Cornerstone to Your Success, What Possibilities Can You Get Excited About Right Now in Your Life? and Are You Ready for More Healthy Relationships?

Sometimes I feel like an absolute mess. That I’ve learned nothing, that I know nothing, that I have nothing. Other times I feel like I’ve got it all together. That I am surrounded by so many good friends, that I am so blessed to have my children and to know love in my life, and that I have so much to offer and am lucky to live in such a beautiful place.

Probably I cycle round all these feelings, and so many more, many times in every day. If I’m really honest the first set of thoughts and feelings might often take centre stage, but not as much as they used to, and that’s progress.

Life can be hard sometimes, and I am a master at making it harder for myself because of what goes on in my head. It’s not my fault, many of these thoughts took root and were reinforced long before I was ever capable of rationalising, but it is my responsibility.

One of my friends said how she was feeling lonely and empty in a moment of reflection, circumstances in her life altered slightly, I could relate to lonely. Less so these days maybe, though I still feel it at certain times in each day, it’s less so than in the past, so I’m winning, I’m self abandoning less.

This is life. We all want to feel good; it motivates most of our actions, arguably all of them, but sometimes we do things that make an aspect of us that is outdated, and unhealthy, feel good. There are parts of me that want to keep me safe, and they arise from wonderful intentions and usually beat the very old, well worn tracks of reactions learned long, long ago.

For example, the kids’ school might ask for me to consider doing something differently than I’ve already indicated, and my first inner reaction is anger “You are not going to tell me what to do”, I might be triggered a 7/8 out of 10.

Giving thanks to my inner security guard, I self regulate then smile inwardly and challenge myself more calmly “The decision is still yours, but what if they have a point? You are a grown woman now, you have no need to defend yourself, just treat their request as new information. Is this new information helpful? Does it change the decision?”

One of my close friends might make a comment that I receive as a threat to our relationship, I maybe feel a sucker punch to my solar plexus, or an ache in my heart, or my throat closing up. So I sit with it until my eyes adjust to the darkness I’ve descended into. I wait. Is this a real threat or is this old insecurities, old associations?

I question my adequacy many times in every hour, am I good enough? In reality I’m an over compensator, I’ve probably got advanced qualifications in terms of skills and experience in whatever I’m feeling inadequate about.

Life isn’t always kind, it’s not always easy, and human systems (of education, of government, of health, of economy) tend act in ways that lead us to believe we have less power than we realise, so that fuels my anger and inadequacy in almost equal proportions. Until I step back, disengage from any resistance and simply turn in a different direction, to what I can control - me, my inner dialogue, my world view.

Becoming consciously aware of that has been the single most rewarding thing |I’ve done in my life. Except it is no one thing, it’s a practice, and ongoing discipline of being curious, of challenging, of unravelling, of learning new ways to operate and, with that, to feel.

I don’t imagine life will ever be peachy all the time, that doesn’t seem what life here on Earth is all about. I realised early on that if I never had bad experiences I’d never appreciate the good stuff. But I just don’t need to get so stuck in unhelpful patterns.

“Joy is a constant” I hear Mathew McConaughey say to in a motivational speech, he differentiates it from happiness. Yes, I think so, joy is always there in each moment we tune in to feel it.

Even in the heat or the heart of a troubling moment, like I had this week as I was confronted with a rather defensive and nasty response to a question I’d asked someone. I sat with it, and I found joy in recognising this old pattern, these old dynamics belonging to someone else.

I felt joy in the freedom from this dynamic and recognised that my ability to choose a different response was right there at the turn of a dial. In my head, a vision of the noise of this old pattern just getting tuned out, like changing a TV station when we used to tune them through the aerial on our roof, and right there on the next channel was carefree joy.

It didn’t happen overnight. I didn’t just decide to change channels and – poof – magically there was joy in my life. I had to learn the skills of tuning in and out, I had to learn many things, including recognising and building confidence in who I am and what I need and that I am deserving.

Or I could just have continued to go through life pleasing others and not myself, but that was killing me, literally. Slowly, chronically, my health was getting worse, my mental state was not good and emotionally I was shut down on many levels. Now I’m living, feeling more, communicating more with myself.

I can tell you that does many things, but among them is increasing my self respect, and my self worth. Among them is feeling better about life many more times in each day.

Choose to feel better about your life. Learn to tune in and to re-tune where needed. Trust me, life is just better.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Ask No One to Be Different So That You Can Feel Good, What or Who Reminds You of How Good it Feels to Feel Good? Take Back Your Power - Only One Thing Need Change for You to Feel Good and How to Feel Good (Despite Your Kids, Employees or Coworkers). To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.