Weave Words Like Wands - Confessions of a Sarcastic Perfectionist

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One of the things I’ve really been noticing lately are some of my less desirable traits. On the one hand, since it’s symptomatic of being around people I can be myself with, albeit it under stress, it is a huge boon since I’ve actively been on a personal growth journey for many years with a specific aim of expressing myself authentically. On the other hand, it’s a bit disconcerting to see all the worst parts of myself so clearly.

I mean, connection is all important to us humans as a social species interdependent on one another for survival. Any scary thought of being less than desirable to others is, therefore, understandable when put in the context of psychological survival.

But, on the other hand, to that perfectionist part of me that wanted to avoid “getting in trouble” or any kind of criticism, it still feels very uncomfortable to own those parts of me that can piss people off.

One of the things I have to remember is that most traits have their good and bad points and, when under stress, generally the more negative aspects of a trait come to the fore. One of those that comes most readily to mind is the quips that spew forth regularly when I’m around loved ones.

I was reading an article in which British actor and comedian Ricky Gervais was talking about the Brit’s propensity to “take the piss”. He said “We use irony as liberally as prepositions in every day speech. We tease our friends. We use sarcasm as a shield and a weapon. We avoid sincerity until it’s absolutely necessary. We mercilessly take the piss out of people we like or dislike basically. And ourselves.”

That part is very important. He reckons “Our brashness and swagger is laden with equal portions of self depreciation. This is our license to hand it out. It can be perceived as nasty if the recipients aren’t used to it, but it’s play fighting essentially. It’s almost a sign of affection if we like you, and ego bursting if we don’t.” Of course you have to be able to read the body language, tone, context and facial expressions to know which is which.

One of my all time favourite TV shows was House starring (another great actor and comedian) Hugh Laurie as Dr Gregory House. What I particularly loved was how House’s team would come together to solve medical mysteries. But House’s character was heavily sarcastic, which is a trait I can really relate to from growing up in the West of Scotland.

In one scene, House (talking about a patient) says “He did, however, get hit by a bullet. Just mentioning it.” One of his team, Cameron, responds “He was shot?” To which House inevitably comes back sarcastically with “No. Someone threw a bullet at him.”

As Hanan Parvez says, “Sarcasm is not good or bad, but it’s certainly a passive aggressive form of humour. On the one hand you have to be quick-witted, possesses strong observational skills and figure out how to point to the absurdity/obviousness/redundancy with creativity. It requires social intelligence, courage (since you risk offence each time) and strength of mind.

On the flip side you are making people look like an idiot, and people – like House – who’ve adopted sarcasm as a personality trait often feel contempt towards “the idiots” around them, but are too intelligent to be direct with the aggression.”

I agree with Hanan in that I find the more I trust someone – and vice versa – the more positive deposits are in our emotional bank accounts, and those cancel out any harm the sarcasm might unintentionally inflict. Certainly the Scot in me still enjoys the occasional verbal sparring when someone responds in like, it makes the conversation spicy and entertaining.

Not to mention that scientists have also shown that expressing sarcasm- or receiving sarcasm from trusted others – increases creativity without elevating conflict.

What I find it that, under stress, the sarcasm I use tends to lack the good natured light heartedness it might otherwise. Like anything, I have to be able to observe myself – or at least pick up cues from others – when the intensity is a bit much and needs dialed back.

It can, Hanan says, “in times of low self esteem, be used to boost self worth but it’s at another person’s expense and people don’t forget how you make them feel”.

That is the part that is important to me. As mentioned previously, I liked the challenge Dr Jean Houston sets “To use our words like wands”. I want to create magic not mayhem. So if I see a look of hurt or confusion in someone’s expression as I throw another quip their way, I know without doubt I need to be far more conscious and deliberately positive about what is coming out of my mouth.

Another aspect of my personality that can create moments of me wincing, when I observe it, is my discerning nature. Under stress, discernment can morph into judgment. As Michael Mamas wrote “To overcome being judgemental and to become discerning, you much find balance in yourself”.

It’s like this, I like what I like, and for good reason. It’s taken me a lifetime to figure out the foods that work for me, the most efficient way to hang my clothes on the line and a multitude of other variables that we have choices about in every day life.

Over the last couple of years I’ve lived without any other adult, it’s been the first time in my life that I have had such freedom over everything from décor and furnishings, the time I get up and go to bed each day, through to the way the food is cooked, or dishes stacked.

Then along comes another adult, and the thoughts and appreciation for the bigger things in life – like love and companionship – get put to the test as I start to see myself through their eyes in day to day life. Thankfully it’s not a person who thinks there is a right and wrong way to do things, only a way that works or doesn’t work for each of us.

But it’s entertaining and amazing how the way a vacuum chord is wound can raise questions in my head about how much I want to compromise in my life. How – despite my own beliefs in there not being right or wrong ways for doing things – I want to keep doing them my way. That in itself is fine, but I can see I need to let other people – especially my children – find their own right ways that work for them.

Personal growth comes in all guises, in the good, bad and the ugly. Some days, especially when I think of my own foibles, I think “why would anyone want to be around me?” It’s not always fun to see myself through others’ eyes, but it is helpful. That applies as much to the good as the bad, which can also be difficult to hear and own.

Bizarrely enough, when we essentially hear about all the things we are doing wrong as kids, it’s easy to make ourselves wrong and believe we aren’t good people, worthy of love. This becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy as we grow into adulthood. So recognising and reminding ourselves of our strengths is as important as working on those other things that go haywire and show up as weaknesses under stress.

What are the aspects of your own personality that you can be proud of and which are those that require a bit more attention in order to flourish in the way you’d like? Let’s strive together to use our words like wands so that, rather than rather than creating unintentional mayhem, we create magic in our relationships.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Make Choices That Will Have the Most Positive Impact in Your Life, Reclaim Your Personal Freedoms: The Path to Empowerment Amid Alluring Promises, Leaders Who Walk the Talk and Are Interested in People and Self Empowerment and Is It Time to Break Free of That Holding Pattern You’ve Been In? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.