What I unconsciously learned as I grew in this world was to allow what was going on around me to dictate how I was feeling; this – of course – directly affected the quality of my life.

Being empathic, it would only take someone else’s bad or sad mood to throw me into a spin or the doldrums. Or a bad weather day or some news item to affect how I was feeling and, therefore, the attitude and approach I took to life.

I recall at one point on my corporate management journey going on a course about managing absenteeism and I’ll never forget the phrase “It might not be their fault, but it is their responsibility”. The whole idea being that we didn’t need to make someone feel bad about having to take time off of work, we could be compassionate, but we should also be holding to the boundaries set out in their employment contract around absences unless there were extenuating circumstances.

That idea stuck with me, and as I have evolved through my broader journey in life I can see that it might not be my fault that someone I’ve been dealing with has had a bad day, or is even a toxic personality, or that it has rained five days in a row, but it is my responsibility to manage my own mood and responses.

When I started regularly meditating nine years ago, I began to see that there are different layers within me. That I can observe my thoughts is indicative of another layer of consciousness doing the observing, that I am also identified with. Therefore I am both the thoughts and the observer.

Meditation, contrary to popular belief, is about observing my thoughts, and practicing letting them go rather than getting caught up in them. After practicing this in mediation, it began to happen more in my day to day life. I’d be caught up in some drama unfolding with my children, and suddenly I’d get a clear view of my thoughts and behaviour in the moment and be able to adjust it.

For a while this felt quite schizophrenic, but more and more it became normal practice for me to reframe my thoughts and behaviour in the moment. I began to see life around me as a mirror of what what going on inside me, and would look at any patterns with deep interest and started to get to know my inner self more intimately.

This is particularly true of the moments where I was (and still am) triggered into “flight or fight” mode, which can actually look like fight, flight, freeze and fold. My ability to step away and observe is almost always there, but my ability to reframe my experience in the moment is not, quite simply because my prefrontal cortex is closed for business until my nervous system naturally begins to relax (this can take a number of hours) or I take responsibility for regulating it.

Having experienced panic attacks in my life, and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) symptoms, learning how to manage my inner world became a priority for me. I didn’t want to just survive these episodes, I wanted to learn how to notice their onset and avert them.

Shifting to a calm centre, I’ve found, isn’t just a matter of deciding to, or saying a few mantras, it’s a very active process of self discovery, learning new skills and practice, practice, practice.

Even after all the inner work I’ve done:

• Uncovering parts of myself in conflict with each other (you might relate to it through conversations with a friend along the lines of “there’s a part of me that wants to earn more, but there’s another part of me that doesn’t believe I can” and so forth),
• Reframing the narrative going on so these parts are not creating inner conflict,
• Learning what I really value and believe in and creating healthy boundaries around that
• Learning the skills to hold and communicate those with others

Even after all that and more, things still come up to tip me off balance. It’s definitely an ongoing practice, but the intensity and the ability to regulate my body’s reactions is steadily getting better and better. Things are way less intense.

And here is another tool that I never thought I’d ever use – ChatGPT. If you ever need a neutral third party to take a look at your inner dialogue, or dialogue with others, I think it’s great, I wish I’d have had it when dealing with protracted, toxic legal correspondence a few years ago.

Just recently I was dealing with an email from my kid’s school, going back and forth about an action plan, I was querying the need for one and read the words “All good. Don’t complete one, not a problem” as a passive aggressive response and felt a bit annoyed. So I copied the whole email trail (minus identifying details, I don’t want those in the collective bucket of digital swill) and asked ChatGPT to tell me its
interpretation of the tone of this correspondence.

It felt the tone of the whole correspondence was accommodating of my individual views and quite collaborative. Knowing my Scots heritage, and how my own experiences with sarcasm have shaped my inner landscape, I recognised that I may – or may not – be misreading the tone. Either way, it would not have made for a constructive response if I had adopted the latter attitude.

So I drafted a response, asked ChatGPT whether that was straightforward, calm and rational and in keeping with the constructive discussion so far. It responds instantly, even with reams of information, and can suggest improvements if you ask it to.

While I reflect on my journey from allowing external circumstances to dictate the quality of my life to becoming the calm centre of my own experience, I can’t help but appreciate the transformative power of self-discovery and resilience. It’s a continuous process of learning, practicing new skills and actively engaging in the art of reframing thoughts and behaviours.

As you continue your own journey of self-discovery and resilience, consider embracing the support and insights available to you. Remember, it's not just about surviving but thriving, and every step you take towards a calm center contributes to a more fulfilling and empowered life.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Empower Yourself - When a Difficult Reaction Sends You Into a Tailspin, Do You Need to Heal Your Boundaries?, Change Unhealthy Reactions, Your Mind Will Try to Protect You By Resisting Your Healthy Boundaries and Expand Your Emotional Vocabulary to Get Your Real Needs Met. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

For much of the last couple of decades of my life I have, by necessity, been somewhat of a lone wolf. To use some UK slang, it’s been “heads down, bums up” in the parenting department in particular, while initially juggling a corporate career and then laterally navigating a particularly gnarly separation and dealing with life post-split with kids living between two homes.

Now that I’ve spent the time examining and integrating those experiences, a huge amount of personal growth has taken place and I have started to attract healthier relationships in all walks of life and feel quite settled and supported by people who understand and accept me more deeply.

In short, there’s more space to turn towards my purpose. So when a close friend of mine was facilitating a public Family Constellations session and it was my turn to look at what I wanted to dive deeper into, I was explaining how torn I feel about how to progress. In particular I have been resisting the coaching work I’ve been doing, and am good at.

Having asked me about the things I had been contemplating and wrangling with, I then expressed my deepest desire to be part of a team – a healthy, functional team –she expressed her surprise that the lone wolf wanted to run with a pack.

My friend has not known me in the times I’ve thrived as part of a work team. The last team I worked and flourished with was fourteen years ago. We were a small team, working on a large transformational project we all very much believed in. Each of us had very different personalities, with varying strengths, values and beliefs, but there was respect and trust and we were usually able to navigate tricky issues and come out stronger.

While I now have a burgeoning team mate in my personal life, many of life’s lessons in the “heads down, bums up” phase of my life were attached to learning healthy boundaries. The teachers of those lessons of course came in the shape of both personal and professional unhealthy relationships and team dynamics.

So it was profoundly interesting to have those solo versus collaborative parts of me represented by others in the Family Constellations work. It helped me to see the intricacies of what I was feeling far more clearly.

I'm definitely more motivated around others, there’s a kind of effervescence I feel when there is that synergy between like-minded and like-hearted people. It's why younger me loved swimming; I was part of a great team with a great coach. It's got a lot to do with why I left too, certain people left and the team dynamic changed, my heart was no longer in it.

Don’t get me wrong, I like the independence of managing my own workload and work times, and I like working with my clients’ one on one, but the more that comes from a great team is majestic. It's why I always loved medical dramas like House and Private Practice as they worked together in teams to help people. Private Practice was a great example of individual specialists working with their patients and clients, but they would discuss case loads and look for the synergies.

I always look at one of my healthcare practitioners sideward when they say they don't discuss clients with each other to protect confidentiality, I think they're missing a trick. I would love it if my various healthcare providers sat around the table to look at me more holistically; I can well imagine issues getting understood and ironed out far faster.

My friend thinks I’d make a wonderful Family Constellations facilitator, but that’s not what I feel called to. I love turning up as a participant, doing my part representing for others, but I haven't got the inclination to organise or facilitate in anything in that field. I love my own work, and prefer to refer people to other practitioners who specialize in things I don’t when needed – and wouldn’t that be all the better if it were in collaboration?

Having also mentioned I have a hankering to be involved in some sort of think tank around evolving education and healthcare, my friend also recommended a place called Heart Place Hospital who holistically resource frontline healthcare and educational professionals. I had a good poke around their website and they look to be doing some fantastic work.

It certainly piqued my interest, if somewhere like Heart Place Hospital developed a large enough reach - or if there were enough versions of this type of service with a big enough reach collectively - then those clients would be exactly the right kinds of people to sit down with, along with holistic and alternative healthcare and educational practitioners, to create a vision of a different future; that's the bit I'd love to be part of.

My various experiences have taught me that, while a team of people collaborating can most definitely achieve more than the sum of its parts, knowing my own interests, values, skill set, strengths, experience, gifts, beliefs and limitations are really important when contemplating being part of a team. For any collaboration to work it’s important to be clear about my role and that of others, and have healthy boundaries around it.

As this all played out in the Family Constellations session, I got to see more clearly that, while the part of me that works with clients loves collaboration, there’s also very distinctly a part of me that enjoys and needs time alone to recharge and practice self care, and that is okay.

Oftentimes in the past I’ve lost myself to the teams I’ve been a part of, giving far too much without taking time to recharge my own batteries. Some people can do that with just a good night’s sleep, but for me – especially while juggling so many roles in my life – it’s important to have time to contemplate, meditate, keep fit and healthy and spend time relaxing in my own company as well as with friends and loved ones.

Are there areas where you thrive as a lone wolf, and others where you yearn to be part of a team? Remember, the power of collaboration lies not only in achieving more together but also in understanding and honouring our individual needs and strengths. Here’s to creating a world where we can all thrive – whether as lone wolves, team players, or a harmonious blend of both. Together let’s continue exploring the transformative potential of collaboration in our personal and professional lives.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Do You Want to Make a Heartfelt Change to Your Career?, Weave Words Like Wands - Confessions of a Sarcastic Perfectionist, Break Free: The Honour, Privilege, Exhaustion and Horror of Being Mum, Is the Role for Managers Redundant in Today’s World?, What or Who Reminds You of How Good it Feels to Feel Good? and Embrace Your Authentic Self, Shed the Toxic People in Your Life. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

Talking to a friend about their career, they were saying how they’ve really changed tact these last few years. Whereas they used to be who they felt was expected of them in their role, now they bring much more of themselves to the workplace and feel happier to walk away (if there is a mismatch in expectations) and happier overall.

At the same time I saw a podcast interviewing Chip Conley about reclaiming our middle years as a time of regenerative possibilities “a time to activate our capacities for renewal and let our souls lead the dance”.  Certainly it’s common to go through life with aspirations to get good grades, get a good job, meet the love of your life and have children… only for many to discover they still feel unfulfilled – whether they were successful in those things or not.

Then I noticed something along a similar theme when reading about the New Moon on 9 February, which was reminding me that the only expectations I need to live up to are my own. Having felt the weight of having to perform for people in my life at various points – to act the way they wanted me to act – there’s a chance to shed the layers of pretence and connect with my inner truth.

Now whether someone is in their midlife years, or whether there’s a New Moon, does not negate the point. In fact, I very much hope my children grow up knowing how to dance to the beat of their own drum, but I also know the many ways in which they are expected to conform and where those voices in my head that I now contend with also came from.

I noticed a good friend taking some time out to play an online game after we had lunch together one day, whereas I had gotten on with some work. When I asked about it, they just casually said they were having a moment of downtime. I realised right there how prevalent the narrative in my head is about the need to be productive – or perhaps even moreso – the desire to be seen to be productive.

The same is true when I’m talking to people, or writing for an audience, I am often trying to watch for any words, phrase or references that might put people off. Why? I mean, I don’t want to offend people, but if I talk about something that puts someone off – New Moon’s may be a case in point – then really they’re not my kind of people.

And the more I trying to appeal to a broader range of people, the more I continue to perpetuate the myth that I don’t fit in, or don’t belong.

How did it all begin? As it does for most of us, in childhood, trying to please parents, teachers, coaches etc, because those people were critical to my survival back then, so the neural pathways and patterns started to form. Preferring harmony, I mainly acted the way others wanted because it was easier to go along with it than create confrontation.

However, feeling like I always have to be “on” for others leads to a disconnect from my authentic self, it creates anxiety and unease.

Coming back to the New Moon energies for me this week, it has the capacity to amplify any hidden negative feelings about my work that could be compromising my potential for success. While astrology isn’t predictive (it simply gives us an understanding of the influences at play, it’s then up to us how we use that energy) this is a theme that has been coming up for me a lot in recent weeks.

It went on to say the wisest words:

“The only way you can change the things you’re unhappy about is by acknowledging them and being clear about what it is that needs to change. It’s so much easier to work with things that are in your field of awareness rather than having them subconsciously sabotaging your life.”

“Gosh” I thought, “this is exactly what I’ve been trying to teach the kids lately”. They came home tetchy with each other one day and it quickly became clear there was some misdirected anger going on. The things that were triggering are things that would normally wash over. I asked “Is there something bugging you that you don’t feel able to talk about?”

As young adolescents, they haven’t yet quite developed the cognitive processing capacity to name the nuances of how they are feeling. And they most definitely don’t want to betray others by breaking confidences or sharing the details of sensitive information, nor would I expect them to.

However I do want them to learn to recognise when they feel bad, and where they are feeling it in their body. And to take an active part in feeling into and releasing that feeling whether through writing, drawing, dancing, sport – anything that allows them some creative expression rather than squashing everything down.

What I’ve learned over the years is that ignored, suppressed and denied emotions tend to come out sidewards – whether through sibling fights or overreacting to friends’ comments, sleepless nights, limited attention spans or getting sick, to name a few. It’s much healthier to encourage them to work through things and to lead by example.

So while serendipitously prompted by various conversations and a bit of astrological information, I know it’s important for me to look at my own unhealthy patterns, the things that are making me feel bad because I’m in some way compromising and suppressing the true me. The constant need to “look like I’m productive” and to “fit in” are just examples that are active within me right now.

Both are examples I became conscious of quite some time ago and have already consciously worked on many times. Creating new neural pathways – especially ones that kick in as an alternative to those well worn ones from childhood that are associated with our flight and fight response – is an ongoing practice.

What patterns and expectations are you carrying from the past? Embrace the wisdom of acknowledging and clarifying what needs to change. Share your reflections with someone you trust or journal them.  Let’s collectively move towards a space where authenticity takes precedence over society’s expectations.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Normal Is Dysfunctional That Is the Growth Opportunity, Expand Your Emotional Vocabulary to Get Your Real Needs Met, Here Is How to Recognise and Overcome Your True Fears, Who Are You? Introduce the Remarkable Human Behind the Roles You Play and Make the Choice to Feel Better About Yourself and Your Life. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

While working on a new website, I read something this week that gave me pause. It was an impactful reminder that clarity of thought sets the stage for what shows up in my life, to be transparent with my desires and focused in my pursuits – “Clear vision will guide you towards realizing your goals”.

Sometimes I get so embroiled in trying to make something happen, I forget this little golden nugget. I tend to pay heed when I read something that really resonates, so I parked my endeavors and reflected on some of the other words that had been popping out at me lately.

I’ve been picking up on words that encourage me to spend more time in nature, to nurture my inner world, to foster my feminine qualities and take some space to reflect.

There is a challenge that Chloe Couisins is offering with daily meditations that dwell upon cultivating qualities like creativity, nurturance, self love, our deep connection to mother Earth, abundance over flow and holding space for others. As soon as I looked at it, I knew that I’m feeling called to spend more time with my thoughts, or my not-thoughts, just my observance of the miracles of nature, and my deep gratitude for where I live and the life I am able to lead here with my kids growing up.

I also felt called by Chloe’s words around creating more than enough though our passions and our creativity, fostering that deep desire of wanting to rather than having to. I recognised that the ability to nurture those seeds, that haven’t yet taken form, stems from the ability to nurture myself.

As I was looking at the website as it is; it feels that it’s missing something vital. What I’ve developed, using the website as a canvas, represents the me that I am to an extent, it doesn’t quite fully capture that someone else I have become in recent years.

Years ago I wrote Coming Out – Psychically Speaking and yet I haven’t really fully embraced and embodied many of the abilities that opened up in me back then. I use them intuitively all the time, but I lack the language to describe them in a way that feels me.

I’m a real hybrid of the credible corporate people change and transformation, mixed in with a deep understanding of human psychology as we widely know and accept it, sitting alongside some intuitive skills that allow me to see things and knit things together for people that they had previously only sensed but couldn’t articulate.

It’s interesting that bringing things to light for others is part of my talent, and yet it’s the very thing I’m struggling with for myself.

So taking some time to cultivate those more intuitive aspects of myself, embracing the feminine, is what much of my journey these last few years points to.

It’s about going with the path of least resistance, allowing feminine energy to flow through any situation without the need for force. This in turn then allows my creativity to move through when I am relaxed and present.

I also took out my folder for a course I started a few years ago with Dr Jean Houston on Unlocking Your Quantum Powers, because deciding to press pause for a time on my website is far easier when I have something else with some structure – that is related to fostering my creativity - to focus on.

One client last year had an epiphany when we were working together; he said he needed to spend more time in the quantum field contemplating what he wanted before taking action, rather than throwing lots against the wall and hoping something stuck.

This is very much like the work I heard Dr Denis Waitley talk about years ago when recounting his time with the Olympic athletes, he got them to practice their performances over and over in their head, so by the time the starter’s whistle blew, they had lived that moment hundreds of times. But before that, there was a moment in each of those athletes’ lives – a moment that they knew, with absolute certainty – that they wanted to compete in the Olympics at the top of their sport.

That clarity, certainty and conviction isn’t necessary to begin something. I can – and have – tried much from the smorgasbord of life. But there comes a time to step back, and contemplate which my favourite elements were, and how I might weave those together in a way that fosters my deep desire of wanting to rather than having to.

Will you take the leap with me into the quantum field of possibilities? Are you ready to nurture your inner world and realise your desires and intentions? Let’s embrace our intuitive selves and weave a tapestry of authenticity, creativity and fulfillment.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How to Overcome Insecurities and Fears to Transform Your Life, How to Switch Between Your Life Roles With Grace and Ease, Presence Your True Needs, Talents and Desires to Step Into the State of Fullness, What Will It Take for You to Choose Happy? and Embracing the Feminine within All of Us. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.