 I subscribe to the power of the present moment, that there is in fact only this moment in which you have any control, right now. Resisting the present moment causes you to feel bad, embracing it allows good feelings to flow. Yes I subscribe to it, but I still struggle to consistently breathe it into my life.
This week I am adjusting how I feel about being a school mum, let’s say it’s not exactly what I picture for my life. I say adjusting because my initial reactions were of resistance. Resistance is futile of course. In this present moment I cannot change the entire system of school holidays, I have no control over the teacher to whom I pass over my child to each day and I cannot change, right in this instant, the needs and expectations the school has of parents. Yes, I know I have choices about educating my child, I have chosen the path of least resistance, the path which best fits our wish list; though it is not a perfect fit. Would I want it to be? It makes sense to me that we chose this life for its challenges, they are what point us in the direction of what we truly want. Let’s face it, would good feel so good if we didn’t experience anything unwanted? But let’s get this in balance. Those who live, say, a 30/70 balance between noticing the unwanted things in their life and embracing the present moment, we would consider masters at this. Most of us are far from mastership and tip the opposite balance. I am not talking about accepting things in your life that are unwanted, I am talking about the futility of resisting what is already there in your experience. For me to stand and resist the present consequences of past decisions is dumb. From that point I can’t create a different future, I will only perpetuate more of the same. This is subtle but important. For me to chunter about the additional 12 weeks a year (yes that is how many weeks of school holidays there are) that I will be looking after my kids will fill some with horror, but there it is. That has, in the world of homecare and then kindergarten, been 12 weeks of the year where previously I have had some time to myself. It is a small amount of time in which I have solitude, when I go inward and seek out the creative expression of who I am and write it upon these pages. It is the sustenance that bore the fruits of children. Understand the distinction; my children are the fruits of my life, not the sustenance. They, and all that they bring to my life, are also the greatest teachers. It is one thing to figure out who you really are and why you are here, it is another to live that in an integrated way. The challenges of being a school parent, the expectations of participation and support that go far beyond the school gate, are opportunities for me to practice all I have learned in a very condensed way. Once I understand something, I just want it to work, but I also have to let go of a lifetime of habits. So I can choose to see these circumstances as a bind, or I can choose to take a broader perspective. I can choose to focus on the things that I interpret as unwanted in my life (less time to myself and controlling people), or I can choose to focus on the very best aspects of that situation and those people, together with the many, many welcome features of my life. Every challenge I have faced in the past has deepened my understanding of myself and the world in which we live. Every challenge has propelled me forwards, to a life far beyond what I imagined. This is the moment of saying, enough, there is too much momentum in these thoughts I have about this situation, it is not serving me and it never will, time to change. Of course a car travelling at 100kms going in one direction cannot suddenly do a U-turn and head in the other, first I have to sooth the thoughts. I am not going to go from feeling suffocated by a circumstance to suddenly feeling empowered. There is a process in the middle of slowing the momentum and starting to seed another direction. Having my children stay home means there is no starter pistol that goes off in the morning, it’s a far more relaxed start to the day. As any school mum knows, getting your kids there on time is a major feat - if they also happen to be dressed, have lunch and all other expected accoutrements, well that is icing on the cake. It means we all get an opportunity to go with the flow, something rare these days with ‘to do’ lists abounding, probably get out more in nature, which I love. I also get to see the best of my kids more often, instead of the spent, tired, ones I usually pick up. Yes, there are certainly opportunities in the time we shall spend together. I am not so blind as to miss that my children will be grown in the blink of an eye. The implied vision of a more solitary life elicited by bemoaning present circumstances most certainly falls into the category of “be careful for you wish for”. The inner expression of me will find its way, it always has. Can you read how much more soothing these words are? If you apply this principle to your own less than ideal circumstances, you can change their momentum. Remember, if we knew all the answers, we would be done. Life is to be lived now, with all of its challenges. Only you can choose whether to allow those to keep you stuck or to propel you forwards to your best life. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. You can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You. With thanks always to those teachings that always provide a path to clarity when I am feeling stuck in the mist, my personal favourites are Abraham Hicks and Eckhart Tolle.
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 “How could she” my head raged, I could feel tears stinging in my eyes. Blown off completely and the journey hadn’t even gotten underway. “It’s not good enough” I murmured to myself walking past the parked cars. My head was spinning, had that conversation even taken place?
As I got in the car, the anger welled up inside me. Driving home an email was already being scripted in my head, tears flowing alternately with more words of anger. By some grace, somewhere inside I knew I had catapulted out of the present moment and into a vortex of destruction. But the pull to write the email was too strong. I knew it should wait, but I started typing. Each word crafted to convey the indignance I was feeling. In the moment of feeling powerless, this felt better, I was taking back power and climbing the emotional scale at least. Then, the voice inside cut through, the recipient’s name got deleted. No use sending it right now anyway, she wouldn’t pick it up for hours. I would only stew, no doubt regretting things I had missed or wanted to say differently. Resolved to send it later, I saved it as a draft. Finally, I put the DVD in the player and began my weekly yoga session. With Kim Eng lulling me into the present moment, the pull of the anger began to dissipate. By the end of the first posture I felt more clarity. “Of course she is pushing me away”, I thought, “She must also be overwhelmed; almost 30 new children to look after and they are all out in the bush each day.” The bush, the fresh air making them tired. Then I see it more clearly; it’s not the bush. Immediately a whole other draft starts to form in my mind, giving context to the anxieties playing out at home for these young children. Tuckman’s model of group development came to mind: forming, storming, norming, performing. My daughter’s words ring in my head “Everyone is bossing me”, classic storming. A helpful guide for anxious parents like me. Would it be helpful? I wondered, or am I teaching them to suck eggs? Then back to the present moment, breathing, more yoga postures. Only recently I realised what a gift I had for words, and a gift for weaving together the threads often unseen all around. When a question arises, I withdraw inwards, find my inner peace and the answer often emerges. More yoga postures follow, an anticipation starting to build about the writing that is about to flow. Soon afterwards, the ‘helpful’ guide for parents is dispatched and the original draft email deleted. A win, I feel elated. Anger still comes, it even had a lot of momentum this time, yet I rode the wave and tore myself away. Yet if I’m honest, my ‘helpful’ guide still had conditions attached, I still wanted an outcome from it, albeit a softer one. I was seeking validation and input. The email I got in reply was one of outward gratitude, yet reflected my own underlying energy, not quite firing on all cylinders. Then it struck me that the things that rile me the most arise out of the expectations I put on people. Expectations that are born out of things that seem natural to me, like good communication, giving people context and taking them on a journey. Our gifts are often so obvious we miss them. A discussion with the principal of my daughter’s school recently had left me feeling out of sorts. When I pointed out a lot of parental anxiety could be avoided just by tweaking the language that was being used about a particular topic, I felt quite patronized when she enthusiastically remarked how good my suggested phrase sounded as an alternative. But I quickly came to realise, through the conversations that have taken place since, she was not patronizing me at all; the alternative phrase hadn’t ever crossed their mind. So a helpful parental handout was born; that one unconditional, I had no attachment to an outcome and was seeking nothing in return. Then as I wrote this article, and the words started to flow, I finally came into full alignment with myself; mind, heart and spirit all flowing together. Afterwards I wrote a follow up email to the response I got, this time from an unconditional place. Next time (for I am sure there will be one) I shall wait longer, until I know I am firing on all cylinders, to press send. There is still a voice in me that says “Who do you think you are?” but I now also hear another voice, one that knows who I am. I like the version of me who can give from an unconditional place much better, that version inspires and uplifts. If you can become aware of the things that make you angry, over time that awareness will drive you to new, more healthy and productive behaviours. More than that, it will give you a gift; it will teach you more about who you are, your natural talents revealed. I have to write now, or to speak the things I sense so strongly. The need is as strong as the need to breathe. When I can’t express myself from a point of alignment, I feel suffocated. Perhaps in a moment of anger you will ask what it is teaching you about who you really are. You were born with talents and traits that are so uniquely you, can you imagine what your world would be like if you were fully expressing them? Use your anger to point you to your gifts, the momentum of your life will change as your reason for being begins to emerge. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. You can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  I heard a story recently about a teacher who got her students to bring in potatoes. The task was to etch on each the name of the person or people who had wronged them and the hurt it had caused. Each student was then asked to put all their potatoes in a sack and carry it around for a week, it could sit beside them when they were eating or sleeping, but they had to carry it everywhere it went.
This was simply an exercise in demonstrating the sheer burden of carrying all those negative emotions. The act of forgiveness does not mean you condone the actions that took place; it is an act of kindness towards yourself, an act of self love. Of course, many of us move beyond blaming others into the realm of blaming ourselves. Knowing we attract and create all our own experiences, who else can we blame? Blame is a fruitless emotion. There are only experiences to learn from, and you can only learn from experience, so let’s embrace the learning. Lately I have been thinking a lot about some of the younger people in my life who are beginning to grow up. In human development terms, as we enter our twenties, we begin to see the bigger picture of our lives a lot more clearly. Before this we are progressively climbing the mountain, seeing a little further with each year. Parents often wonder when they should stop parenting, it is then. In their early twenties your child has undergone their physical, emotional and intellectual development, each phase allowing them to climb the mountain a little further, to see more of life than purely their own needs. At this stage, they are atop the mountain. However, all along that journey, they can always feel within. So as ‘grown ups’ it is our job to help our children recognise and embrace their inner voice, their inner knowing. Teach them how to fish and they will never go hungry, teach them to tune in to themselves and they will never falter. Yet this is not the experience most of us have had. The default upbringing is to be treated as an empty vessel who must listen to those who know better. Parents, teachers, coaches, leaders, all fallible human beings with their own huge sack of potatoes that they are carrying like a ten ton weight. Well, let’s recognise that, and forgive ourselves. There is no lesson here for our younger generations, other than our example. Thinking about the younger people in my own life, there are a range of circumstances that they have had to deal with, some wonderful experiences and some outright horrific ones. This is called life, it’s the contrast that allows us to choose our preferences. My own less-than-perfect etch on the fabric of time has led me to a place of simply accepting the misdeeds of others as actions from a place of pain or disempowerment. I’ve come to realise that the one desire we all have is to feel happy, and any act is in response to that desire and the empowerment we feel. I see it when my kids come home from school, if one of them has had a hard time; they take it out on the other. That doesn’t make their action right, but knowing that anger feels better being ignored, at least they are moving in the right direction on the emotional scale. Those who are repeatedly exposed to repugnant experiences as children, who are powerless, are the ones who have the more marked responses later in life. But for most of us, we still carry some form of hurt that subconsciously attracts more of the same until we stand back and see the pattern for what it is. It is time to forgive ourselves, and others, for ourselves. To open up to the love that is our true nature, and to find that sense of who we are, which is always enough. It is from this vantage point we can start to live the best version of our lives. Forgiveness need not be an outward act, but it is always an inward one. It’s a shift in our own feelings towards something or someone, an act of letting the clouds roll on and the sun begin to fill you with warmth and light. So who do you need to forgive? Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. You can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  Every physical injury or ailment you have has an emotional cause, there are no exceptions.
It took a while for this to really sink in with me, even although I’ve known for years that our thoughts (and – moreover - the emotions attached to them) become things in our lives. None of this is new news; people like Louise Hay (author and now publishing house giant) and Lise Bourbeau and have been writing about it for years. Healers like Caroline Myss and others, dating back thousands of years, have practiced it intuitively. Yet most of us still look to the physical for the root cause, mainly because that is what modern medicine caters for. Yet if you consider what is being taught, it may in fact make sense to you. For example, I notice that my back aches at the end of each day and – for years – I’ve carried tension in my shoulders. Why do I lose power so easily in those areas? Well, the area of my spine where I get back ache (between the waist and neck) denotes an emotional insecurity. Lise Bourbeau’s book says “Doing is a way of expressing and receiving love, your expectations of others are high and, when not met, you feel you have a lot on your back.” The advice on this is to stop believing that you need to expend your energies to ensure others’ happiness. When you want to give to others, give purely for the pleasure of giving as you don’t need to be the emotional support for anyone. My inner knowing acknowledges this, hence articles like Making How You Feel More Important than What Others Think. Practicing it, well, that will require practice! You can see how easily it comes about, especially with young children in the frame, but as I said in the article, put your own life belt on first. Shoulders are similar; pain signifies a feeling of being emotionally burdened. In focusing on keeping others happy you fail to reach out and grasp your own happiness. Liberate yourself by allowing others to live their own lives and make their own mistakes. It’s not that your body is saying slow down, it’s about doing things out of love rather than a misguided sense of obligation. For every single ache and ailment, you will find that people have observed common patterns over millennia. By recognizing these patterns, you can begin to take action on the real root causes. When a friend of mine recently died of kidney failure, it made complete sense to me (knowing her story) that the emotional cause of that is repressed anger. As the kidney’s help maintain the balance and pressure of fluids in the body, it’s a clear message that there’s an emotional imbalance. There is an underlying belief that life is unfair that basically results in a sense of powerlessness. Another person I know experienced a collapsed lung and, while quite common in their physical demographic, the emotional indicators resonate. As air is our primary life force, it makes sense that any lung issues relate to depression of some sort – a feeling of being suffocated by someone or a situation that is keeping you from the life force you need. The more serious the problem, the more critical the message. In the case of a lung disorder like that, your body is telling you to take a deep breath of life. To experience the wonder and passion that is your life, and to realise that only you have the power to smother the fire within you or allow your surroundings to smother you. Change your perceptions about who is in the driving seat of your life. We learn many things about what is socially acceptable, none of them really serve us, and so it is time to let them go. More easily said than done, I know. However, recognizing these important underlying causes is a really great first step. At the very least, it will help you to recognise some of the beliefs that you have. Beliefs are simply repeated thought patterns, but they are often difficult to articulate as they run like a background programme in our psyche. Most stem from our early years, and are not even likely to be rational interpretations of your experiences. A common example is the child who repeatedly watches their parents argue and split up, who may then interpret that (and hold the belief) that all relationships are bad – and unconsciously trigger similar results in their own life. Whereas, if you can use the information that is already out there to start to look at some of your unhelpful beliefs, you can begin to build more helpful thought patterns instead. However, if the explanations for your ailments or injuries don’t resonate, trust that. You are your own best advisor. In short though, when it comes to listening to your body, all roads lead to appreciating and allowing the real you to emerge and take centre stage. To love yourself, and to look after yourself, as the priority. With thanks to the wealth of literature, healers and teachers out there, in particular Lise Bourbeau’s wisdom on the particular ailments mentioned here. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. You can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  How much we have to learn about life when we watch our children, especially when it comes to finding balance. Last week I looked on as mine played joyfully with their friends, who were visiting for a couple of days in the school break.
As was inevitable, at first the energy was high, but after a while they all hit the proverbial wall. I talked to them about having a break from each other, but – unassisted – they were unable to do it, it’s as if they were socially magnetized. In truth, they were. Their energy had momentum, and it was spiraling like the destructive vortex of a tornado. At the school our kids attend, there is a rhythm to the day, it ebbs and flows with more socially engaging activities followed by quieter, more introspective time. As I sat with four children in the car, who looked so visibly exhausted, the sense of this really struck me. There had been no ebb and flow in the visit; instead they had continuously been riding a big wave. In some respects, TV and other devices take care of this in many households. However, since these devices are not encouraged as part of our children’s schooling (for good reason, the obvious one being because it doesn’t actually relax the mind at all), it wasn’t an option available to the kids. But I realise now that I hadn’t really prepared any other options. All we are looking to do is to break the momentum of those active social connections, just for a little downtime. It can be naps, reading, going for a walk, drawing, puzzles, or any other activity that just allows for a bit more inward processing. It helps keep the kids on an even keel, less tantrums and meltdowns are necessary for rebalancing. They just need time to process all that they are learning, from the more physical aspects of becoming upright and interacting in our world, to the emotional aspects and social intricacies of relationships with friends and others are they grow older. In tandem, I have also been feeling somewhat overwhelmed with the world of play dates and the social aspects of a school community. I laughed with my wonderful friend who was visiting about the irony of me having just written an article about opening your heart, and the angst I was feeling over a particular invite. We chewed on this subject of saying no quite a bit, which spurned another article about making how you feel more important than what others think. Then today I was reminded of a recent blog I wrote, not even that long ago, about following your impulses. How quickly I forget my own advice! It is part of what I love about the process of writing, which flows so easily when I am in tune with myself and wisdom resounds. When I’m out of synch, confusion abounds in my life and gives me plenty of examples to draw on later. Suffice to say, as my mentor then reminded me, if the invite makes you feel inspired, if it’s uplifting and feels right, go for it. If not, if confusion abounds, or you are feeling overwhelmed, it’s not in anyone’s interests to accept at this point. Yes, finding our own balance is as important as helping our kids find theirs. You will also find the two are usually so interlinked that when you make your choices from a place of inspiration, everything just ebbs and flows with ease. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. You can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You.  Being able to say no and feel good about it is a topic I’ve chewed on a fair bit lately. I have such admiration for people who are completely comfortable with making their own needs a priority. Though I have to confess, I have always felt the need to make other people feel good, it’s the uplifter in me, so I struggle with this.
Yet I know deep down that doing things in order to please others is really only satisfying if you feel good in the process. In essence, you cannot help someone feel better by you feeling worse. Not long ago I listened as someone, who also struggled with this, sought advice. The response really got me thinking, it was a distinction between empathy and compassion. Basically the crux of the advice was to ensure that you feel good at all times, not allow yourself to get sucked into the emotional drama. Do whatever it takes to feel good (even if that means saying no), then you are of most service to yourself and others. I had once said no to an old friend who died recently and it made me revisit the feelings of guilt I’d had. It had been difficult for me to say no at the time, she was seeking refuge from an unhealthy relationship and was looking for somewhere to stay so she could rebuild her life with her young child. Having her stay would have been the wrong thing for our family, so I offered help in other ways. While our lives remained separate, our life stages out of synch, we stayed in touch. To my knowledge, she bore no grudge toward me. I could see how important it was for her to etch out a new community, to make a new life for her child, all of which she went on to manage without much of any help from me except a few words of encouragement. In hindsight, had I allowed myself to get drawn into the emotion of it all at the time, I’m not sure my first daughter would ever have been born; she was pregnancy number five in a long campaign to try and start a family under already stressful circumstances. My friend could not have forecast that illness would end her time here a few short years later, but life works out in ways we can’t predict. While she won’t get to see her child grow up, she has created a safe harbor for her to continue to grow and flourish. You see, my friend was whole, not broken, as we all are. It was not necessary for me to rush in and save her. She had her own resources and out of difficult circumstances she rose and grew stronger in spirit. Guilt (or any other negative emotion) is only a feeling that arises when your head is not aligned with your heart, your inner knowing. My conditioning led me to question my motives as being selfish. Yet if you don’t put you first, who will? Too often we hang our own wellbeing on the actions of others. Even if they can temporarily satisfy us, it is not a permanent solution. Your own wellbeing comes from within; putting your own lifebelt on first is a great analogy to remember when it comes to creating a healthy life. We cannot control what others think about us, whether we do good deeds or conform to others requests or not. Focusing on how we feel is only true control we have. Whether it’s the big things in life, as it was for my old friend, or just day to day stuff, the same principle applies. Another close friend of mine was sharing examples of staff she has hired, then gotten drawn into their dramas to her detriment. Being sensitive to others’ feelings, we both have a strong desire to lift them, yet know people can only do this for themselves. Saying no to others and yes to yourself can be hard, but the consequences are much harder on your own wellbeing as your own experience will no doubt attest. The physical results that show up as a result of compromising our own desires can range from simple headaches to full blow diseases. It is why the number one regret of the dying is living to the beat of another’s drum. Instead of zeroing in on who others are not, or who you are not, focus on the wholeness of who we all are. Kindness and compassion go hand in hand, they are both best experienced when you can focus on your own wholeness, and let the good feelings flow. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. You can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You. |
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