Overwhelm? Worry? Lack of Confidence? Parts Work and Its Importance to Your Growth

Image by Oleg Gamulinskii from Pixabay

Talking with a friend of mine this week, they made a comment about what a useless mess they used to be, perhaps still are. I asked “Whose voice is that that tells you that you were/are a useless mess?”

They replied “No one”.

I persisted “When does it remind you of? From your youngest years did anyone ever say anything like that?”

Straight away they recalled a teacher who did. She had only lasted a term at their school but said my then seven year old friend’s cutting was abysmal and their story was preposterous and could never happen. 

Interesting isn't it, I find the voices in our head that are less than loving are never our own, their roots are usually in that first seven years. Buying into them then was a matter of survival, yet they shape our sense of self for years

My friend had never spared that teacher one thought until now, and yet she had shaped a narrative that had run unconsciously throughout their life. 

Reflecting my friend said “Actually she was like that with everyone, obviously a very unhappy lady. When you work out someone is like that with everyone you can step back”.

While that is true of an adult brain that can rationalise, my friend at age seven could not, therein lies the rub. When we start to wire these beliefs in our heads, we are too young for rational thought, there is no stepping back, and so we begin to buy into things that aren't true about ourselves.

This then attracts more "evidence" to match those beliefs. My friend had a list of bosses and partners that had echoed those words over the years. When someone tells them how useless they are, that's their current day version of the teacher. It's no truer now than it was then. But it feels like it could be true because it's so deeply embedded in there. Herein lays the very roots of psychology.

It's only as we get older we might become conscious of these things, my friend can clearly see it has been a convenient way of others controlling them, yet that old voice persists at times. Which is a perfect examples of how there are at least two parts of us, often conflicting, operating simultaneously.

I pointed out to my friend, who had gone on in detail to tell me why those bosses were wrong “Look at all those perfect points of evidence you can find for not being useless. Yet there is still the voice that says I'm useless which is where we began this conversation, with you thinking you were a useless mess in your early teens, throughout life and perhaps even now”.

Let me give you an example of my own. I made a conscious decision back in 2016 not to rush back into any kind of work outside the home after I finished a consulting job. I knew I just needed to be home and present in mind for the kids and if I worked elsewhere it would compromise that.

When I went through a separation, I again made the conscious decision to use some of the capital from the house sale to live on so I could continue to be there for the kids and then gradually, over a number of years, start taking on more work. I also knew – and still do - I just needed the space and time to be kind to myself and start to feel in control of my life.

Despite all that there is a constant and persistent voice in my head that says I should be out there getting work, I need to be earning more income and so forth, that sometimes gets reflected in questions from others about my plans. Then there's that more peaceful, loving inner knowing that says "It's all good, everything is perfectly on track, be gentle and keep following your intuition, what's for you won't go by you".

The words should and need are big clues that this is old patterns. There's nothing I feel inspired towards other than what I'm doing, but I have the productivity bug well wired in there. As it's a constant in my head and I keep pushing it away, I decided to tune and really listen to it.

When I gave it the floor in a meditative state, I noticed the voice is very persistent. It’s worried, irrational, pacing, scared I'm going to run out of money and not be able to feed myself or the children. It even used words like "Are you a woose?"  These are the voices of my early childhood.

Now I know from both study and experience that voice isn't going away, it's hard wired in there, thinking it's keeping me "safe". Which is was in my childhood, I knew what needed to be done to stop the grownups getting at me. There's no overriding it, "the work" of growing is to become aware of it, befriend it, thank it for trying to keep me safe, and repurpose it. It's a process that takes time and persistence, but it can be done.

There's dozens of parts of us like that we are largely unaware of except through bad feelings when we are down on ourselves. Yet it's the essence of who we show up as and what's running the show. And hence my friend had attracted boss after boss or partner that thinks they are useless, because there's a big part of them thought that might actually be true contrary to all the evidence.

When I coach people, I know it's useless helping them define goals and visions for their life unless they're willing to become the person of their visions. People have to feel like they are “enough” (and not useless, for example) to pull those things off, that is the growth challenge. Unless we do the work to befriend that part of us we think isn't enough and consciously work on reframing that, we are less likely to realise our dreams. 

It’s so critical to me helping myself and helping others, I certainly would not take on a client who couldn't understand this concept and be accountable for working with those saboteur parts of themselves. But as a friend, that is a whole other challenge, to see the potential in people, to sometimes even be privy to the saboteur parts of them, and yet to embrace them and love them as they are.

As I mentioned previously, Briana MacWilliam makes an excellent point that unrealized potential can be as much of a soul purpose as realized potential can. For someone as committed to the growth path as I am, that in itself is a growth challenge for me personally to accept in those I love.

I was listening to an interview this week with author Bruce Tift about his new book Already Free: Buddhism Meets Psychotherapy on the Road to Liberation. It was an interesting and helpful reminder of the freedom that is already inherent in our existence.

He says that by focusing always on the present (in which there are no problems from the more Fruitional Buddhist view) we ignore the patterns of unhelpful thoughts or behaviours that can only be revealed through taking a more Developmental view of our experience over linear time. And, to the contrary, by looking at this idea that we aren’t whole or can’t be present or free until we have dealt with all these patterns is equally unhelpful because in any one moment we have the ability to be fully present and loving and loving and whole.

So in that sense, it’s for me helpful to be switching between these two perspectives in ways that enhance the experience wherever I am or whomever I am with. Because while it is true that my friend has this unhelpful narrative, it is for my friend to whether this is something they would like to work with or not.

Meanwhile, my friend is still the same person I adored before we talked about this narrative, I just understand them a bit better now and it adds to the complex picture of our frailties, strengths and humanity.

So where in your life have you noticed some of these unhelpful narratives? Is it time to give these parts of you the floor and really listen so you can reshape the narrative into something more helpful, or are you happy as you are?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Do You Really Know the Different Parts of You? How to Live in Conscious Self Awareness in the World, How to Surrender to the More Loving Inner Self, Life Really Does Support Your Deepest Desires (And How to Access Its Support) and Should We Abandon Happiness as the Impossible Dream?  To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.