As I head into the new year, traditionally a time of reflection and resolutions, what I am reflecting on is not to jump into a resolution list of “shoulds”. Some things take time to percolate; there are often other pieces outside my control that need to move into place before inspired action can be taken.

On a recent trip to the South Island I caught up with a good friend that I haven’t seen in a couple of years. We originally met in the aftermath of our corporate careers, in their slow disentanglement from consulting work that appeared soul destroying. For a while it seemed like a sticky spider’s web that just could not be escaped.

With much more creative and fulfilling aspirations for our lives, it did feel for a good few years that we each were a bit lost as to which direction should come next. What was so lovely about catching up was to now witness the huge leap forward that has happened in their life.

From the realms of corporate strategy and marketing, that did nothing to light a fire within them, I now see my friend revelling in an amazing multi-room art space they have created in a large tin shed at the back of their house for over 40 local children to come each week and simply explore. It also regularly attracts local adults for a bit of art therapy.

As we were talking I was struck by how things have a habit of falling into place at the right moments in life. After seeing them struggle for a number of years and face one challenge after another, this move had opened doors with grace and ease, everything seemed to show up at just the right time.

This was a useful reminder as I play with what might come next for me.

“I should get on and rebuild my career “I find myself thinking. That is the voice within me that is sort of saying “come on, this has been on your to-do list for a while and you haven’t done it yet, get a move on”. Yet, while it is on my to-do list, it’s in that category of “when I’m ready and things have lined up”.

In the absence of the inspiration to act, in the wise words of Grand Pabbie in Frozen 2, “all one can do is the next right thing”. Right now I’m mainly studying, learning and exploring. This is a time to ponder, dreaming up ideas on how best to use the many strings on my burgeoning bow. There are so many opportunities to help people who are seeking it that it can be hard to know where to begin, though my intuition tells me - as always - begin within.

Having been in the midst of major transitions in my own life, it is easy to see when I step back that some things are not to be rushed. It’s about following the inspiration when it takes hold, trusting that things will fall into place in their own perfect timing.

“Where does that trust come from?” I was once asked. Perhaps it is innate but certainly it is supported by the benefit of hindsight. The further through life I go, the more evidence I gather for this faith in life to provide opportunities and happenstance just at the right times and in ways I could never have predicted.

When I look back on how important people, pivotal opportunities and circumstances came into my life, I most often couldn’t have planned those if I had tried.

Talking with another friend who, like me, can become very quickly and intensely attached to people, ideas or situations that feel right to us, we were both acknowledging the huge growth we are undergoing as we learn to allow the slower moving parts of life to move into place of their own accord.

I’ve just started reading a novel at the moment with this very theme at its heart. Three women from different generations become unlikely friends in a chance meeting that helps them deal with the next stage of their lives. This is the very fabric of life it seems.

My gran used to say “what’s for you won’t go by you”, and I have taken heart in this many times in my life. I am often philosophical about things that look like losses on the surface, yet turn out to be blessings in the long run.

One thing is for sure, this life is ours to make of it what we will. Identifying what I yearn for is a step I can take, I can become conscious of that which has perhaps been rattling around inside me unacknowledged. It is a step within my control, though it’s often aided and prompted by just the right questions or thoughts shared from others.

So what is on your mental to-do list that still needs time to percolate? Is there any inspired action you could take in that direction? And rather than continually berate yourself for not having moved in that direction, what else is there you can focus on in the meantime with ease and grace that will make you feel you are moving forwards?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Life of Your Dreams?, Want More Energy, Clarity and Time?, Dreams May Be Free but They Are Also Essential to Progress, The Power of Time Out This Holiday Season - Reconnect With the Real You, Follow Your Heart: Everything is Possible in 2017 and Take a Small Break from Your Life to Restart from Your Authentic Core. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

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I was contemplating this idea of belonging as I took a walk along the beach, and wondered whether in order to feel a sense of belonging we have to first belong to ourselves?

Reflecting on my own life I recognised how I had flitted between relationships, jobs and places. Often simultaneously I stayed too long with people and places I had outgrown, due to an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and loyalty and a fear of starting over.

Certainly I have started over often enough now to know everything is possible. But I also remember years ago when I worked in the Railways in the UK, working alongside people who had been there their whole life. To me it was obvious that there were also those of us who were cycling through but I did feel a yearning for that feeling of belonging.

So I thought I’d look at this more deeply by working through the approval exercise I talked about in How to Attract People Who Love You the Way You Are: Accept and Approve of Yourself. I did this to become more aware of the subconscious benefits to being alone/not belonging that rang true for me. Here was the list I came up with:

• Perhaps I did not come to belong to “what is”, perhaps I came to create a new place of belonging
  
• Knowing what I don’t want has helped me to define more of what I do want
  
• If I don’t belong I can criticise without feeling a sense of responsibility (!)
  
• There are fewer expectations on me
  
• I can remain more fluid, free to go where my energy wants to
  
• I can avoid conflict more easily (!)
  
• I can keep my energy pulled inward
  
• I can avoid creating appropriate structures and support that would enable me to get my gifts and talents out into the world
  
• I don’t have to get to know the needs and concerns of too many people because then I would feel responsible for helping fix them (!)
  
• I don’t have to learn the cultural norms of groups or communities and engage within them, which feels like an energy drain
  

There were a few ah-ha moments in there, and I can also see a lot of these are just old stories relating to and arising from the people pleasing, codependent, poor boundaried me. Due to my misguided beliefs about relationships arising out of my childhood and younger years, I gave my all in a handful of situations throughout life that just about drained my life force.

So I turned to my favourite resource on dysfunctional patterns to look for some ideas about how to more forward and embrace a sense of belonging, some of which I have already adopted, here is what resonated:

• Get to know the needs and concerns of those around me, appreciating the value of just listening and understanding over giving advice and solving problems (this actually feels like a weight lifted off my shoulders)
  
• Volunteer my skills and talents for the benefit of a group
  
• Cultivate relationships with particular physical environments and “sacred” spots that serve to ground me
  
• Foster a deep connection with myself, checking in frequently to notice and name feelings, needs and desires (so I’m “with” myself)
  
• Develop a capacity to share these with others in a way that allows them to see/feel me 
  
• Grow the ability to ask for support in ways that help others understand exactly what I need from them and how they might give that to me
  
• Cultivate the ability to recognise and appreciate the many ways people extend connection and care even when they feel somewhat foreign or superficial to me
  

This week I’ve been doing a 5-day study challenge with Briana MacWilliam on courageous communications. This has been a well worthwhile endeavour to really embed some of the skills I’ve been learning in recent years around communicating boundaries and how different things are important for people with different attachment styles (depending on how much closeness or distance they need in order to feel safe).

So yes, there has been and is ongoing work involved, but each time I have the courage to approach things in new ways – especially when I am willing to get vulnerable about my own feelings and communicate those in a way that are authentic rather than defensive, while being mindful and adapting to how such emotional honesty might land – a little bit more of the inner me starts to shine outward.

The more of me that shines from the inside out, the more chance I give others to see and accept the real me, which is what, I believe, will fulfil the long desired yearning for belonging.

For those who, like me, who feel that they don’t belong, I will share a few words about the deeper truth of this as written by Claire Zammit and Katherine Woodward Johnson in relation to actualising belonging:

• I deeply care about others and making a contribution that is of benefit to the whole
  
• I am a unique and essential citizen, my contribution and authentic self expression is essential to the wellbeing of all
  
• I am a pioneer, venturing into uncharted territory as a leader and trailblazer
  

So what benefits are there/have there been for you in not belonging? And are you ready to let us see you and help you build a world in which you can be authentic and accepted for who you really are?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Loneliness – Meet the Most Important Person in Your Life, Are You Ready for More Healthy Relationships?, Expand Your Emotional Vocabulary to Get Your Real Needs Met, How Living Your Passions Fully Combats Feeling Lonely, Is It Time to Let Go of the Idea That You Are Needed? Embrace Being Wanted and Learning the Fundamentals of More Healthy and Balanced Relationships. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

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In a recent text conversation with a good friend of mine, they commented “you are very intense”.
Now that is something I’ve always taken as a criticism rather than a compliment, and tears welled up in my eyes. I let the conversation meander in a different direction after that, but I have done sufficient personal work - and know my friend well enough - to know that what I was experiencing was an overreaction.

In the circumstances, I intuitively knew that what my friend what saying was in reaction to my analytical nature and it was code for “I don’t want to dive into to this right now”. But my head was swimming and I felt sucker punched, although the conversation moved on I didn’t, I was frozen in that moment internally.

And when there is an overreaction like that, I know that it’s an old wound that hasn’t been tended to. I made a mental note to work through and process whatever wanted to be seen.

There’s many ways to process old wounds, but a couple of days later I was reading an article that was talking about the fastest way to line up with people who hold intense positive focus towards us.
The premise is, to experience people who see us as perfect the way we are, we have to first see ourselves that way.

It made the point that spiritual people are often some of the least likely to engage in relationships like this as, in general, we are obsessively committed to the path of self improvement. I could relate to this. And it did make sense to me that to “improve” myself means being focused on my shortcomings, which is a negative bias.

The answer therefore is to actively practice self approval towards who I am in this moment, as if nothing will ever change about me for the rest of my life. Teal’s article suggests that every morning when I first wake up, pick one thing I don’t accept or approve of about myself. The challenge is then to think outside the box (and elicit help if needed) to write a large list of things that make me feel better about that aspect of myself and even approve of it.

The example given in the article is around being “emotionally unstable” but I could see this would be an excellent way for me to reorientate myself in relation to this aspect of me that is “intense”.

In truth, I know that the part of me that is curious about why people think, feel and act the way they do, is inherent in my nature. It’s so much a part of who I am that I cannot separate myself from it, and the reason it felt like a sucker punch is because it felt like a rejection of who I am.

So I started to write my list of reasons that make me feel better about this “intense” aspect of myself:

• I’m a good person to know if you want help analysing your inner world
  
• This curiosity is what allows me to help others fulfil their potential (should they seek to) and do my work
  
• The more I understand people’s motives and triggers, the better I can orient myself in the relationship
  
• It makes me more self aware and willing to grow from experiences
  
• It means I’m always learning and growing, which feels good to me
  

Then I ran dry, so I turned to my trusty resource from Claire Zammit and Katherine Woodward Thomas which takes a deep dive into the kinds of unhelpful belief patterns that often live within us. In here I felt this “I’m too intense” was akin to “I’m too much” and the following statements helped me lean into this aspect of myself:

• This gives me the opportunity to name, witness and welcome all my feelings, needs and desires and expand my capacity to hold and contain the entirety of who I am (this feels pivotal and right on cue for where my life is at)
  
• It allows me the opportunity to expand my capacity to receive support and sponsorships from others
  
• It enables me to expand my sphere of influence by taking on large projects that match my energy level, gifts and talents
  
• It affords me the ability to navigate the balance between my full self expression and the impact I’m having on others, learning to tune in to others and read the effect I’m having on them so I can ensure my intention is being served (this relates particularly well to the example with my friend who just wasn’t ready to look at anything more deeply)
  
• I am intelligent and highly competent
  
• I have highly developed professional skills
  
• I am resourceful and able to make things happen
  
• I’m able to hold vast amounts of responsibility
  
• I’m capable of earning a lot of money
  
• The full expression of my gifts, talents and knowing is beneficial to the wellbeing of all
  
• I can receive the full power and force of who I am and unleash that into the world
  
• The fulfilment of my needs and desires is necessary to my complete expansion (this feels like a truth statement)
  
• I am that aspect of the power and presence of the creator which is deep enough and wide enough to contain the entirety of my inner experiences
  
• I welcome in all my thoughts, feelings, needs and desires, they are not too much for me
  

I will admit that many of these at the latter end of the list feel like I’m looking at a job description with big shoes to fill. It feels possible, it makes sense, yet it’s also more than a little nerve-wracking. I guess that is the gap between where I am and full self expression. But it also feels that to disapprove of this aspect of myself is to deny an aspect of creation that intended to be this intense, so best I get on board!

When I spoke to my friend after I’d processed this, straight away they encouraged me not to see this aspect of myself as a negative, In truth, they actually felt it was more of a positive trait than anything.

Would you like to line up more with people who hold a positive focus towards you? To experience people who accept you just the way you are, you have to accept yourself that way also. So which aspects of yourself would you and others benefit from you working on some self acceptance and approval?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy What Happens When You Accept Yourself And Stop Seeking Approval?, The People Who Hurt Us Are Vehicles for Our Growth, Believe In Yourself Even if You Feel No One Else Does, When Life Is Getting You Down – How to Lift Yourself Up and How to Receive More Love, Appreciation and Respect. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I was talking recently with a friend of mine about relationships. Their current relationship is not really honouring them well, and they were musing how – once the job of raising children was done – they might just go live alone and have a pet Labrador for company.

On one level I could relate, I will confess to saying something similar myself not so long ago. And while certainly some time alone to recoup and restore is healthy, I would hate to give up on relationships because of my prior poor choices, or for my friend to either. It seems by far the better choice to learn from the experiences, and change my perspective while also learning healthier boundaries and how to hold them.

A while back I listened to a meditation about finding your soul mate and I realised as I listened just how far I had convinced myself that maybe I wasn’t meant to have that kind of connection with someone. But these words really captured for me the essence of what that kind of relationship would mean and rekindled the desire to be open to it....

“Imagine what it will be like when you first recognise another person as the best, most committed and most compatible person for you, the person designed specifically for you. See or feel how it will be as you become aware that they have recognised you also and – in doing so – both of you have found home.

Even if you don’t feel worthy, the reality is this person was made for you and belongs with you and wants only you.
Feel yourself willingly and wantingly surrendering to that magnetic pull because of how badly you want each other. Imagine what it will be like to feel the heat of their body next to yours and how it will be to touch them and know that they’re there and there to stay.

Sense what it will be like to join your lives together and to feel the kind of love and commitment that can only be shared by someone who you belong with and who belongs with you.

What does it feel like and smell like and look like and taste like to be matched and partnered with this person who is the highest and best and most compatible person in the world for you?

What does it feel like to not have to put any effort into getting them to like you? They love you so much, there is nothing better to them than being with you. That is what they choose fully and with all of their being. Feel the unbreakable security of a connection like that.”

Now I will admit that I don’t think there is just one person for each of us on the planet, we are each dynamic beings with the ability to change at any time, and we do, and therefore who we are attracted to and who we attract can change.

But in the pursuit of recognising my own insecurities, unhealthy patterns, working through the lessons, learning new ways of relating and putting the best parts on me in the driving seat, it makes absolute sense to me that I would therefore attract healthier relationships.

It certainly helped me become more determined not to “settle for” again, because being in a relationship with the wrong person can be far more painful and lonely than not being in one at all. The one sentence in the meditation about not having to effort in order for people to like me, is very relevant to my people pleasing and codependency tendencies and habits I’d developed over the course of my life.

The more aware I am of unhealthy patterns that have played out in the past, the more I have learned from them, the more secure I am inside because I am no longer looking externally so much for validation.  

I’m also very aware these days of the difference between love and attraction. What I mistook for love in the past was actually just strong attraction, and those were not all healthy, loving relationships that is for sure.

Teal Swan says that what stands between us and great relationships – the reasons we attract unhealthy ones – are pain, trauma patterns and incompatibility.

Each of these are huge topics on their own, but I certainly came to realise that just having awareness that I am worthy of great relationships was a giant leap forward because I’d often be overly loyal and gotten into and stayed in relationships that weren’t working.

Luckily I always attracted pretty healthy friendships, but oftentimes have attracted a mix of good and bad (and awful) when it came to working or romantic relationships. Owning my part in those was worth its weight in gold.

Also learning from what I did different when it came to friendships was interesting, that is an area where I’ve always had better definitions around boundaries and been less “attached”. Yesterday I was with eighteen other women as we honoured a friend celebrating her milestone birthday.

These were all women who are aware of their stuff and on their healing journeys. The birthday girl went round us all and said how she met each one of us and what we mean to her. It was sweet and a really lovely example of how we get different things from different people. No one person can be everything but each should honour us in some way with mutual respect and flow of energy.

What relationships do you struggle with? Which relationships honour and enrich you versus those that seem to deplete? Is it time to honour yourself and let some loose? Recognising that on fifteenth of November this year we welcomed the eight billionth person alive at this time on the planet, there are a lot of people to be in relationship with, why not choose those most compatible with our best selves?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy It’s Time to Get Savvy With That Thing Called Love, Explore, Uncover and Show Your Real Needs and Desires to Be Happy, The Ways in Which You Think You Are Being Helpful but You Are Not, The Inevitable Pain of Returning to Love After Years of Abandoning Yourself, Relationships are Just a Series of Moments – True Love Lies Within, How to Receive More Love, Appreciation and Respect, What Is Holding You Back? Reclaim Your Worth, Your Love, Your Power  and How Does Who You Say I Love You to Heal the World? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.