I was talking with a good friend a while back now about the time in my life when my grandmother died, and promptly burst into tears. While I’m known to cry watching a sad movie or hearing a sad story, my own life is usually something I can talk about quite freely, especially in retrospect, so I was quite taken aback at the wave of emotion I felt thirty five years on.
My friend asked what my grandmother had represented in my life, a great question. “Kindness” I replied. This memory came back to me today when I was talking with the wonderful lady who used to look after my kids when they were only babies and I had to go back to work. If it couldn’t be my arms they were in, I wanted them in familiar, loving arms each day; and we were very fortunate to find just the right person. Living with her own daughter and grandchildren, my kids soon embraced her and her family as an extension of their own; and she became known affectionately as Nana. Although both her family and ours moved out of town before the kids reached school age, we have kept in touch and she comes to visit once a year. Sharing with someone about her upcoming visit, they were remarking how lovely it is to keep in touch like that, and quite rare. She explained that the part of herself she gives to her own grandchildren, she also gave to the children who were in her care, and so they have remained in her heart. As she was explaining this, I felt that connection with my own grandmother. I wasn’t just hearing her words, I was feeling the way my Gran made me feel and I understood very well the gift my children have with her in their lives. Instantaneously I was transported back to the feeling of arriving at Gran’s house on a Saturday to the warmth and smell of pancakes being made on the griddle, the thrill of making my own pancake man, and the challenge of creating something more than a smooshed up blob with raisin eyes. Having someone in my life who embraced me with love and showed me nothing but kindness was a gift beyond measure. No one can take away the way it felt to be with Gran. My kids are very fortunate because, on both sides of their family, they also have doting grandparents, so they are getting a triple dose of something that is beautifully potent. In this journey to me, my drive for authenticity, I talk often about the layers of self limiting beliefs I’ve adopted over the years, and those I observe in others. Most of these beliefs boil down to some version of “I am not worthy”. However these special people in our life, whether grandparents or others who have chosen to give us a piece of their heart, they beat the drum of something else entirely. It’s a beat that speaks to my self worth in a language that knows no words, but my body recognises it. Watching an episode of Grey’s Anatomy last night, one of the characters was talking about finally meeting her real mother after being abandoned as a baby. In that one meeting, there was a moment where she reached over to touch her mother’s hand in empathy, and her mother drew away from her. She couldn’t understand why she kept replaying that moment, trite in the scheme of things, over and over in her head. The therapist looked at her and said “you were five days old when your mother abandoned you, when she drew her hand away from you as an adult, it wasn’t trite. In that moment your body remembered the pain you felt in being separated from her all those years ago.” I think, for most of us, there are so many moments of pain in our lives, and they add up to many self limiting beliefs, but there are also the moments of love, and these are the moments to cherish and to replay to find our way back to self love and self worth. Even if we weren’t still in touch with my kid’s adopted Nana, the love she gave them would still be part of them. But for them to become consciously aware of that as they grow, and build on the relationship, is certainly a wonderful gift. Thinking about that, and the love I felt from my own Gran, made me think about whose lives I have and could gift that to. There is one very obvious answer that is easy to miss, and that is the gift of unconditional love towards me. Instead of a voice in my head that is an echo of all the critical voices, I wonder how many more people I can gift love to if I can learn to love myself in that way? What about you, who showed you unconditional love? How did it feel? And do you – or could you – gift it to yourself in honour of those who gifted it to you? If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Your Childhood Is Not Your Fault but It Will Be Your Limitation …Until You Take Responsibility to Heal. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog
0 Comments
Stepping into authenticity isn’t, I find, always as easy as I’d like it to be. For a start, my authentic self was not evident at all to me at the outset of my conscious journey towards it; there was just a deep knowing that the way I was playing into the world was not authentic.
Even now I don’t hold a clear vision of what my authenticity looks like in its entirety. It is more like it’s being revealed to me little by little, like bandages slowly being peeled away. This week has been no exception. As we returned from a family vacation, my youngest daughter struggled to reground herself and has had a few nasty tantrums. This was exacerbated by a return to school, not something she was relishing. Now nasty tantrums were not something that I would have dared to express as a child. Like many of you, demonstrating my anger was simply not an option; instead I swallowed it and occasionally punched the concrete wall in my bedroom in frustration. As I became a teenager I would express my frustrations verbally and had arguments (yelling matches) with my parents. I say to my daughter when she is frazzled and gets in this state “it is okay to express your anger, but not to throw things and hit people.” Yet, I actually have no template for what that looks like. I revert to yelling, threats and defending myself when I’m really pushed, which I’ll admit can happen when I have several projectiles thrown at me by a screaming banshee. This, of course, is not the authentic role model I’d like to be. When I searched for answers on dealing with tantrums in school age kids I was dismayed by the standard responses, which are basically about control and suppression. Then I found a great question and answer example by Dr Laura Markham, author of the Peaceful Parenting series, which really resonated. It simply felt like the right approach for me. Not that changing my approach to anything after nearly half a century is an easy task, but at least now I have a template for what authenticity looks like. I can attempt to role model for my daughter what a healthy expression of anger looks like rather than meeting her with my suppressed adult self or my unleashed child self (neither of which are pretty). Interestingly, as this was all coming to a head, my whole abdominal area went into non-specific painful spasms for about two days. It was quite unnerving, as if my body was practically insisting that I address an emotional imbalance within myself, which it was of course. Once I equated the pain with all the anger I’d gotten into a habit of swallowing, and had pursued a solution, the pain disappeared. The other issue that my body communicated about was through locking up my neck muscles. Upon returning from our vacation, I hit the ground running with all the unpacking, grocery shopping, end of month accounts, bills and tax returns to catch up on. After the first few days my neck and shoulders felt tight, then (since I didn’t let up on activity I felt I had to do) I woke up to find I couldn’t turn my head to the right without a great deal of difficulty. As Lise Bourbeau points out, whether the pain is more predominant when I nod my head yes or no, determines whether I should be saying yes or no (to whatever is active in that moment) and it’s my stubbornness and inflexibility that is the obstacle to making the appropriate decision. It became obvious to me I should be saying no to more of the inauthentic activity and yes to the authentic parts of me that want enough space to express themselves. Of course it can be hard to say no. I’d watched Rob Herring’s amazing Need to Grow environmental documentary and been inspired by the vertical planting and other techniques in there for growing more of our own food. I believe fervently in nature’s supreme intelligence and so a return to more natural solutions that harness and mimic nature itself have my vote. However, my authentic self was quick to point out the magnitude of me replanting and taking on more work in the garden. There was a very definite part of me that felt an obligation to get on and do it, and do it all myself if needs be. There was another (more authentic) part that was encouraging me to take things slower, reminding me of the enormity of parenting and the other responsibilities I have in life without needing to spend many hours in the garden. “Just continue to buy local organic produce” that authentic voice said, “anything else is too much right now”. True. Saying yes to unexpressed you means paying attention to what your mind, heart and body are actually saying. It won’t necessarily unveil your authentic self overnight, but little by little (with practice and persistence) the unexpressed you will start to express itself. So what is your authentic self saying today? If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy some of my other articles like: Embody Your Spirituality – a Healing Journey, Learn to See What Is in Plain Sight, Leverage Your Feelings to Find Your Authentic Self, Be an Evolutionary (Rather Than a Revolutionary). To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog ...Until You Take Responsibility to Heal A few weeks ago I was listening to an extremely moving TEDx talk by Mataio Brown whose own childhood had been less than idyllic. He said “Your childhood trauma is not your fault, but your healing is your responsibility” and my heart sang loudly in response; I feel this speaks to the very core of what is needed to evolve individually and collectively right now.
I deliberated for quite a while about including the word trauma after childhood in the title but decided to leave it out. In my experience, people tend to associate the word trauma with things like physical and sexual abuse, warfare and life threatening illnesses to name a few. While these are unarguably traumatic and horrendous, most of us experience emotional and psychological trauma on some level that comes as part of a normal childhood. This is often caused completely subconsciously by well meaning parents, who themselves have grown in a form reflecting their own childhood. However, I feel this is an era where are becoming aware of these cycles and have a responsibility to break them. Trauma can arise from any event or situation that overwhelms a person’s ability to cope. This can range from issues with the way a parents interacts, to childhood illnesses, injuries and accidents, developmental trauma, exposure to violence and chronic stress to name a few. A trauma is a deeply distressing or disturbing experience, so it makes sense to me that – especially as helpless babies and young infants beginning to interact with the world – it would be traumatizing to feel rejected in any way. For example, Dr Gabor Mate talks about certain disruptions in the attachment process leading to developmental trauma. To put that in plain English, I am talking about the job I might have to go to, which places my attention elsewhere, not on my infant seeking far more connection than I am able to give him or her. Or the constant distraction of a device and countless other things in this day and age when there is far more screaming for my attention than I am capable of giving. Then there are the inherited patterns of behaviour in our parents that we react to, and unwittingly develop patterns in response to. These are essential for our survival in childhood but become unhealthy patterns later in life, and will certainly pass on unless we take action. The best description I’ve seen of these is in James Redfield’s The Celestine Prophecy, he describes control strategies that we each develop in order to stop others draining our energy. These sit on a scale of aggressive to passive and he describes four archetypes; it’s often easiest if you start by taking a look at which strategies your parents employed:
Each of these are linked with the corresponding strategies that created them, and that they create. For example, Intimidators create Poor Me’s appealing for mercy, or, the child will endure until they are old enough and big enough to fight back, creating another Intimidator, and so the cycle continues. To break the cycle I have to become aware of the strategies I employ, and those being used by others around me. As James Redfield’s characters say, a person cannot play these strategies unless we play the matching drama. While the answer lies in becoming a more detached observer of our own interactions, rather than getting pulled into the drama, and calling out what is actually happening, this is something that requires learning and practicing new skills that I will talk about later. While I found these archetypes of how humans interact exceptionally useful, Jen Peters points out the many ways in which unhealed childhood trauma manifests:
This list is by no means exhaustive, but it gives an indication of the common types of ways in which childhood trauma can limit us in adulthood if we let it. Yet when I take responsibility for my shortcomings and seek to heal them, I break a cycle that has been repeating uninterrupted for thousands of years. I become less encumbered, more connected, happier and more able to fulfill my potential. I become the very best version of me, and the best partner, best mum, best friend, best sister, the best of me reflects into all my relationships. Circling back to the inspirational Mataio Brown telling his story in the TEDx talk, whose first memory of Christmas was as a three year old witnessing his father beat his mother half to death with the Christmas tree, he now says this of his father "That man who was my childhood monster, I now see his pain and loving him releases me to be the father for my children that I wanted". This is an excellent example of what Tony Robbins means when he says “Heal the boy and the man will appear”. Mataio could have become another generation of monster, or he could have played the Poor Me drama his whole life, instead he now campaigns with the slogan "She is not your rehab” and advocates for awareness and a healthier approach to childhood trauma. I agree wholeheartedly, and I also think you could easily widen the scope in the broader sense of trauma and say “your partner/your children are not your rehabilitation centre". As I’ve said before, whether psychologically, emotionally or physically The People Who Hurt Us Are Vehicles for Our Growth. There are many things in this world that need to change: poverty, having access to education for all and the way we treat the planet to name a few of the big ones. But I am swimming upstream until I take responsibility for my own healing. I realised life is not about having, life is about being, being who I truly am; not the misshapen version I’d become. Like most people, I would go to work to just exist, albeit it in a nicer lifestyle than that which I’d grown up in. It is easy to get distracted by the glittery baubles of day to day living, but they soon lose their sparkle yet require the money wheel to keep spinning anyway. Becoming the observer of my own life, consciously aware of what is really tripping me up, is one of the most fundamental skills I have learned; and that is a whole lot easier when I take regular time out to meditate. The other skill that helps me take ownership of my part in all of it, is building my energy through appreciation of the beauty and awe of intelligent design that abounds on this planet; in people, animals and our environment. The alternative, the default setting we have developed, is to steal energy from others, winning points in rounds of interactions. It is some time since Newton told us that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Well, here it is, this is what our actions and reactions among each other have come to look like after generations of just living on the wheel, acting and reacting subconsciously. There are many ways to heal childhood trauma, but the common thread between most that are successful is to recognise and learn from the emotions we have locked inside us. My own approach has been to deal with one issue at a time, starting with whatever is my biggest block or trigger in the moment, including what’s happening on a physical level with my body. I sometimes self heal using techniques and practices I’ve learned like The Completion Process, other times I use healthcare practitioners to help. I have some trusted confidantes that willingly dive into issues with me when they are raw and we keep each other honest, looking for the lessons rather than to blame, and I have a mentor that keeps me focused on the big picture. This is not easy, it is not quick work, but it is everything. Be the you that you are destined to become, you are not just destined to take from this Earth and provide for your family, get off that wheel. Until you feel connected to yourself you are cut off from your connection to everything else. You are here to be somebody, so wake up and be that person, this world needs you. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy some of my other articles like: Embody Your Spirituality – a Healing Journey, Learn to See What Is in Plain Sight, Leverage Your Feelings to Find Your Authentic Self, Be an Evolutionary (Rather Than a Revolutionary). To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog What I’ve found over my years of investigation as someone who is self motivated to maintain my own health, is that there are a rich choice of alternatives to conventional medicines out there. In my experience, everything has its place, and with an open and curious mind, and a holistic approach to health, the goal of feeling well, having energy and vitality is entirely achievable. In Want Better Health? Be Shrewd About Stress, I mentioned there have been many times in my life that I couldn’t find satisfactory answers from medical doctors. This is not to say there is no place for conventional medicine, on the contrary, but it is only one avenue among a great many. An example, close to my heart, was when I was trying to conceive and kept having miscarriages. I got told that Blighted Embryo’s (a cause of miscarriage) only generally happened once and were rare twice. Yet this happened to me on four occasions. Ultimately the response from doctors was a shrugging of the shoulders and not having any answers. In the end, I found success in conceiving and delivering healthy babies when a couple of factors converged. The first was finally finding myself in a place where it was possible to forget about conceiving, since we had exhausted all natural and medical avenues and were on the wait list for IVF treatment. The second was a referral from someone, who had also had trouble conceiving, to an alternative health practitioner. The practitioner had earned the nickname of baby doctor from his clients, and I sighed at the thought of going to see this guy who was a herbalist and used iridology to assist in diagnosis. As I suspected, I came away with recommendations for radically changing my diet (not high on my list of habits to change) and herbs. With nothing to lose I did as I was advised and – to my great delight - was pregnant with my first child the next month. The same happened with my second child. Looking back on my notes of that first appointment, I can see he also picked up (just by looking at my eyes), the injury I sustained to my lower back when I was young, and a sluggish left kidney (which later produced a kidney stone) though I’ll admit I paid no attention to that issue at the time. It is often the case that people explore alternatives to standard medical care when they are unable to find answers, and find their way back to more ancient wisdom and systems of healing. In the process people begin to gain a deeper understanding of their bodies and what is necessary for healing to occur. This is called the wounded healer phenomenon, a term first coined by Carl Jung. In Wake Up to the Truth About Healthcare and Healing, I noted that people often accept that when they go to see their doctor (or go into hospital) with chronic conditions they are likely not going to come out cured, they are going to come out with more medicine. This may temporarily ease the condition rather than cure it, but is likely to be creating deeper issues. For example, my partner has chronic back pain, many trips to the doctor later they are still just as unaware of the cause or how to fix it and have told him his only option is pain management. His job is physical, so this means committing to decades of potent painkillers such as Tramadol. These painkillers cause huge degradation to the internal environment of our bodies, ultimately creating breeding grounds for far more serious conditions. Aspirin on its own, as a more benign example, has the effect of weakening the mucous membranes on the stomach wall and prone to resulting in an ulcer if taken over a long period. Yet if a very similar painkiller is taken on its own in a natural form, like the herb Meadowsweet, the constituents in that counteract that particular side effect. When my children then came along, I found myself at the doctor’s surgery more than I liked. In that first four years my kids had already been prescribed antibiotics at least once a year for relatively minor chest and skin infections, so I decided to focus on the more natural healing methods I’d come across over the years. As I said in Want Better Health? Be Shrewd About Stress, my journey around health and healthcare has been a long and windy road over a number of decades. I’ve tried many different types of healthcare by many different healthcare practitioners, and read and researched a whole lot more. There was an article in the Telegraph last year in the UK, about their Royal Family’s commitment to holistic health, which then went on to do a bit of a spot poll online that probably demonstrates the split in attitudes I come across in others quite well:
I do find, however, many of the greatest skeptics and cynics, while vocal and crude in their opinions, have simply not been put in a position where they’ve yet needed to go beyond the bounds of the medical and surgical treatments on offer via their publicly funded or subsidized doctor. Recently I was told by a cynic that homeopathy could, in fact, be dangerous. I suspect they meant in the sense that they believe it’s no more than a placebo and thus an absence of ‘proper’ healthcare. For my part, I think the only thing that's dangerous is when people stop thinking for themselves and put their health in someone else's hands. Personally I find homeopathy extremely effective, especially now that I have found a Heilkunst practitioner, which refers to the more comprehensive system of healthcare homeopathy’s founder, Dr Hahnemann, developed. I’m finding it has a very real and impactful way of unraveling the various traumas and indignities my body has weathered over the years. In an article in the Huff Post in December 2017, Dana Ullman observed that skeptics and cynics spread a lot of misinformation. He found it remarkable that many skeptics of homeopathy actually say that there is “no research” that has shown homeopathic medicines work. Such statements are false, and yet, these assertions are common in the media and even in some peer-review articles. Misstatements and misinformation on homeopathy are predictable because this system of medicine provides a viable and significant threat to economic interests in medicine, let alone to the very philosophy and worldview of biomedicine. In fact Dr. Luc Montagnier, the French virologist who won the Nobel Prize in 2008 for discovering the AIDS virus, set out to disprove homeopathic medicine and then surprised the scientific community with his strong support for it after his findings. In an interview published in Science magazine of December 24, 2010, he said “I can’t say that homeopathy is right in everything. What I can say now is that the high dilutions (used in homeopathy) are right. High dilutions of something are not nothing (i.e. not placebos). They are water structures which mimic the original molecules.” The answers are not found in Biochemistry therefore, they are found in Physics. Putting aside homeopathy, it is wise to consider the broader history of human healthcare (Wake Up to the Truth About Healthcare and Healing), take the anthropologists view, which was largely based on herbal remedies. Herbs and fungi used to form around a quarter each of our diets, along with plants and animals. This gave us the required nutrients in a form that kept us healthy. As we focused more on just the plants and animals we've eroded our natural healthcare plan. After all my own research and experience I came to the conclusion that the focus exclusively on pharmaceuticals in the world of conventional medicine and mainstream media is money driven. No one is looking for cures; they're creating symptoms and things to soothe symptoms. This was no clearer to me than when my mum was diagnosed in 2017 with late stage bowel cancer. Like many of the baby boomer generation, steeped in the beliefs of the era that biochemical medicine and doctors alone are to be trusted, she was not to be dissuaded from her path. Now, everyone dies, I accept this, so not everyone is going to be saved. However, I was completely stunned that in the valuable months while she underwent tests and awaited results, there was not a single recommendation or reference to her diet. Setting aside any skepticism about any other healing modality, the concept that what we eat has the ability to harm or heal is almost universally accepted. When I watched an episode of the docu-series Remedy about cancer, there was general agreement among the various practitioners that an integrated approach is probably best. One thing that stuck with me from that programme was the comments about those people who choose the solely natural route and then die, like Steve Jobs. As one practitioner commented, people die from the conventional treatment all the time (and in great numbers), and yet everyone seems to accept that. Chemotherapy started from the use of mustard gas in WW1, they started using it and getting successes in the 1940’s, so after WW2 the electrical and nuclear industries got into the medical game. I just can’t get my head around a concept that basically nukes our bodies, it is so drastic and – while it does prolong some lives – it often has devastating effects. In the Transcendence docu-series, Chris Wark’s story of beating cancer through breaking negative thoughts and emotions, and using the power of nutrition is remarkable. He talks about how the fear alone (created from being told you have cancer) creates an internal environment in your body conducive to perpetuating the cancer. Out of fear he booked chemo, but never showed up. Instead he got busy creating better lifestyle habits, predominantly raising his thinking and nutrition. Every time fear would creep in, he’d have to catch it really quickly so those emotions didn’t rule him; instead he used gratitude to focus more positively. A later Remedy episode talked about The Gonzalez Protocol: a proven, evidence-based, all-natural method that is achieving extraordinary results on both early and late stage cancer cases. The late Dr. Nicholas Gonzalez was the pioneer who brought this forgotten method back into practice. He was ridiculed, called a quack, and lived under constant threat of having his medical license taken away, or worse, but he believed in this protocol so strongly (he had healed hundreds of cancer patients with it) that he never stopped until his death a few years ago. Luckily, his work has been carried forward by his colleague Dr. Linda Isaacs who continues to save lives to this day. There was a patient of his called Ann that reminded me of my mum’s situation. She had gone to Dr. Gonzalez with late stage pancreatic cancer after being given 3 months to live by modern oncologists. Unlike mum, twenty years on she was sharing her story. What I liked about Ann’s story was her recount of going to see an Oncologist and refusing to book in for treatment after hearing what he had to say. He had told her that he was recommending chemotherapy in order to give her maybe another 15 months; this is pretty much what my mum had been told too. When she refused the treatment he said very aggressively “woman, this is your best shot, without it you will die!” She stood up and replied “doctor, we are all going to die!” When she walked out, the nurses (who had all overheard) stood up and clapped her. When I was in hospital for a minor procedure a couple of years ago, I was talking to the various and many nurses I encountered about my thoughts on the inadequacies of the public medical system, feeling quite sorry for those who feel called to provide care and healing within it. Without exception, they all expressed similar views, opening up to me with their stories. It was quite interesting to hear about how many of these medical professionals turn to alternative methods of healing in their home. Far from discounting alternative medicines and modalities, it’s that they are not funded, trained or allowed to recommend anything other than the conventional methods and pharmaceuticals available within their workplaces. What is really exciting are the advances the scientific community have made just in the last ten years when it comes to explaining some of these other modalities, with the fields of Epigenetics and Quantum Physics really leading the way. Anyone who hasn’t explored the latest research is out of date. One of the really cool talks I heard lately was a Sound’s True podcast with Mark Wolynn on becoming aware of inherited family trauma. As part of his studies Mark had worked with German Psychotherapist Bert Hellinger, who is known for his pioneering work with Family Constellations. Family Constellations is one of those modalities that really sounds like woo-woo. According to Hellinger, one way we can express our family lineage is by unconsciously carrying the pain of previous generations so that it might have a chance to heal through us. The thing I liked about Mark Wolynn’s podcast is his scientific explanation as to why that makes sense. As mentioned above in relation to Dr. Luc Montagnier (the Nobel Prize winner in 2008), who surprised the scientific community with his strong support for homeopathic medicine, these latest discoveries are not always welcomed and many (even in the scientific field) still resist the findings, vigorously expressing oppositional views. You will find that there is disagreement among experts on both sides of the argument, because all anyone really has is an opinion based on what they currently know. What most people (even the experts) know is often misinformed, outdated and, certainly, always changing. There is so much information and so many choices out there; I’ve only touched on a few. Every day I get new emails going deeper into other areas. Just this morning I got an email from The Shift Network about a free online summit on Sound Healing and one from sacredscience.com promoting a free 12-day event called Regain Your Brian, with world renowned doctors and neuroscientists exploring enlightened ways to reverse mental decline and think about Alzheimer’s, dementia and all forms of cognitive decline differently. At the end of the day, my only plea in all of this is to think for yourself when it comes to your health. I believe there is no one right answer for any of us; only what you feel is right for you in this moment. Embrace life, knowing that our time here in this body is limited, and take back your power – the sovereignty over your own body, mind and spirit - in order to live it as well and as fully as possible. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy some of my other health related articles. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog |
This is a two-step sign-up process, you will have to verify your subscription by clicking the link in the email you should receive after clicking this 'Subscribe' button. If you do not receive the email please check your Junk mail.
By signing up you will only receive emails from shonakeachie.com related to Shona's Blog and you can unsubscribe at any time, thank you. Please note if you are using the Google Chrome browser and want to subscribe to the RSS Feed you will first need to get an RSS plugin from the Chrome Store.
|