Would your kids, niece or nephew, or anyone else look at you and think you were happy? Would they aspire to a life like yours? Are you happy?

I recently asked an older teenager whether there was anything she was particularly looking forward to in her future years. Her response was – since she doesn’t want kids – she can’t really see past forty (as in, nothing appealed beyond that age).

It made me think about whether those of us past forty make it look attractive in any way. I don’t mean whether we think we are happy, that was my first (and likely defensive) thought pattern. I started to think about my life, the things I’m grateful for and found that I was almost going through this process of persuasion to an extent, feeling I ought to be happy because my life is pretty great.

What I mean is whether I actually feel happy most of the time and therefore project happiness to those around me? If I could hook up a mood-o-meter that took a pulse check on how I was feeling every few minutes throughout the day, I thought about where I’d sit on the scales:

• Mostly stressed or relaxed?
• Mostly distracted or present?
• Mostly negative or positive?
• Mostly unhappy or happy?

And is happy or unhappy a combination of the first three? Certainly they seem like fairly good indicators. There are lots of other categories I could probably name, but these ones provide enough contrast to help me see that – while I still have room for growth - I’ve made a definite shift towards the descriptions on the right these last few years.

What has created the shift for me is tuning into what I’m thinking and feeling more often.
When I think of my life before conscious awareness of my thoughts and feelings, ouch, it was ugly and I was most definitely not happy. I can totally see why someone like me, just running on default, wasn’t radiating anything anyone else would have aspired to.

Like most people, I was all wadded up with thoughts and beliefs that I had inherited from my childhood. Over the years these thoughts and beliefs that had once served a purpose (usually they were keeping me in the good books of adults around me) were no longer serving me at all. The true gift of my adulthood has been the space and freedom to explore who I am, and what I truly think and feel about things.

Just fifteen minutes a day meditating has given me an increasingly conscious awareness of my thoughts and feelings in many given moments, so it’s created a lot of positive change in my life. That said, while it would be great to be relaxed, present, positive, and radiate peace and contentment all the time, I do still get tripped up.

For example, with chores to be done around the house, especially at breakfast or dinner time, there is no doubt my kids get little attention as I juggle between their chatter or requests and preparing food or clearing up, while also often managing other communication with the adults in my life at the same time.

Making it through the period between school pick up and the kids’ bedtime in a relaxed mood can be challenging to say the least. I often find myself saying to the kids “I can only focus on one thing at a time” or “how many pairs of hands do I have?”

It is often said women can multitask, but I find if I’m trying to split my attention is creates tension. And, although I am an optimistic person, my kids certainly hear the word “no” on an all too frequent basis.

So as I contemplate this outside-in view of whether I am any kind of a role model for happiness, it is a bit of wake up call. Even though my life has changed considerably, my kids still get the best and worst of me. It’s obvious that there are still pinch points in my day that don’t feel so great because I get overwhelmed.

This is never truer than when I am mulling over something that happened and dwelling on what I should have done (or what I wished someone else would have done) or I’m thinking about something like imminent chores and their delicately balanced sequence in order to meet some deadline like getting the kids to school or to bed.

Regurgitating the past and obsessing about the future are hard habits to break I find, despite knowing that things always work out and – most often – in ways I could never have planned. Today is yesterday’s dreams, like the beautiful family that I dreamed of – striven for – for many years. It wasn’t the obsessing and planning and worrying that got me there, instead it was a series of unplanned moments that I would call serendipities or coincidences that finally brought it all about.

I have a lifetime full of examples like that, the unforeseen things that happened in the lead up to landing jobs, or meeting partners, or other opportunities. In spite of these examples I often forget all about them and  obsess, worrying about what I should be doing in order to make things happen; noticing things aren’t where I’d like them to be, rather than just trusting a dream will work out when I take inspired steps as they arise.

The answer, then, seems to lie in continuing to practice conscious awareness of my thoughts so I can:

• remind myself to let go of the need to do just for the sake of activity rather than inspired progress, recalling the examples of the things that have taken care of themselves in the past.
• focus on honouring what I say to my kids “do one thing at a time” and give that thing my full attention.

I know a lot of people feel like they’ve tried and failed at meditation because they keep thinking. But I have discovered that noticing my thoughts is actually the point. I have become increasingly aware of how unlikely I am to be either stressed or negative if I can truly bring myself into the present. 

There are a whole host of apps out there to help if you don’t know where to start. Just a quick Google search on the topic immediately brings up suggestions like Headspace, Calm and Smiling Mind, but there are also an abundance of guided meditations on You Tube.

Personally I just sit with my eyes closed in a quiet space for fifteen minutes each day and listen to the sound of nature, constantly refocusing on the sounds as I notice thoughts creeping in that I then let go of.

​Whatever the method, I figure the way to be more happy, and radiate that happiness, is to live more of my life in the moment.

If you can connect more with the present, it will help you become less detracted, more relaxed and more positive – in short, happier. The happier you are within, the more you’ll radiate it outward, and the more infectious that happiness will become. A world infected with happiness, now that does sound attractive!

​If you feel stuck in the weeds and would like a fresh perspective on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me with an outline of your circumstances or click here for further information, I love to help. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog

That is why we are here, I believe, in this life. Not to do stuff that holds no meaning, and to do more, and still more. It’s about exploring and contributing our ideas, that is what adds to this world… read more

Published in Having Time

Over the last few years I’ve focused on taking control of my life, so that I could rediscover and anchor in a more authentic standpoint. But I still find that there is a part of me that wants to please others.

While it can be hard going against the grain in society, my natural disposition had been forced to go against itself much of my life in order to fit in. All that had resulted in was my misery and illness.

So in the end, what is harder, to make a stand for who I am? Or to submit, fitting into someone else’s ideas of who I should be?

Often I espouse many contrary views, particularly in favour of evolving our systems in society (education, healthcare, government and so on). But I don’t go against the grain for the fun of it, if anything it’s uncomfortable. What is more uncomfortable though, suffocating in fact, is constantly putting others’ needs ahead of my own – and those of my children – just so I’m not rocking the boat.

For example, when my eldest daughter was transitioning to school, we were encouraged to take time out and do early pickups, especially if there was an out-of-school activity like swimming lessons to attend. Tired kids were not welcome in class. I felt this was quite an enlightened approach and applauded the focus on our children’s wellbeing, albeit because it made life easier in the classroom.

Two years on, the school has completely changed its tact on attendance, with focus on meeting the Ministry of Education’s more rigid stance around justified and unjustified absences. As my youngest child is now transitioning to school, I have decided to stick with the plan that worked, picking the kids up early for swimming lessons.

I must admit, I look forward to the point in time when I can pick up my kids at the end of a school day and find they occasionally still have energy for more activity. Right now they don’t, they want – and need - to go home and unwind.

It’s just not comfortable being the one to buck the trend. Some people seem to manage it with ease, but not me. I’m a people pleaser by nature, so going against the grain takes practice. Like anything new, it feels awkward and my biggest challenge is letting go of defense. These kinds of scenarios are just ripe for me to turn into a crusade.

But making a drama out of a difference of opinion isn’t the best way forward either. One of my friends reckons I’m not a pain-in-the-ass parent (as I dubbed myself during a recent conversation about this; I have a rather self depreciating form of humour), just someone who has healthy boundaries and is not afraid to let them show. This was kind of her, but I know I can be like a dog with a bone at times.

Getting good with anything new takes time and application. And because I’m not comfortable with it, things can be a bit clunky at first. Like when I went to pick up the kids early this week and my youngest daughter was covered from head to foot in wet sand and we had to get her changed. This meant my eldest child was then late getting picked up and, as a result, had become aware of something fun she was missing at the end of her school lesson. So she burst into tears and fixated on it, crying and crying all the way to the swimming pool, screaming that she didn’t want to go.

You can imagine, these are the points at which I wonder why I bother. But I also know how ugly the scene gets if I acquiesce, so I keep true to the decisions I’ve made and look for ways to make things easier.

There is this thought in my head though, and I hear it from others in different guises, that if everything is going wrong at times like this then I must be doing something wrong. But my mind can play tricks, working against me, like society’s little advocate in my head.

So I often sense check the decisions I’ve made, were they result of an overactive mind playing into society’s expectations, or were they the result of something more intuitive, orientated to my wellbeing?

I know I’m in my mind when I’m feeling bad, and I know I’ll never get clarity from that position. So I set it all to one side like I did the other day, and I got my daughter to focus on eating her sandwich instead and I focused on how good it was going to feel diving into the pool in the lane next to the kids and having a swim while they were learning.

Of course the kids had a great time and really enjoyed their swimming lessons in the end, they have made strides in their confidence and technique this term. It’s a skill that can’t be underrated when we essentially just live on a huge island surrounded by water with many lakes, rivers and streams within it.

And I had a great time too, unwinding after the drama of the early pickup. From that perspective I was able to get clarity, and was able to trust that – for now – we are on track.

Yes, it may be a bit uncomfortable organizing early pickups with the teachers at school, but so long as I don’t start demonizing their intentions so I can feel better – or berating them because I feel a lack of support - it’s all good. Instead I focus on the things I’m grateful for, like the appreciation I feel for the depth of care they show towards my children’s education and development.

I have discovered there is no need to make someone else wrong in order for me to be right, that is just another hang-up of society’s conditioning. It’s the very hang-up that is the root of every conflict that ever existed. Instead I now recognise there is only ever differing opinions, and thank goodness for that. If we all thought and felt the same way life would be very dull and predictable.

So what situation keeps calling to you? What’s your inner voice got to say that wants to be heard? Is it time to go against the grain outwardly to go with the flow inwardly?

​I try to imagine a world full of people going with their own flow, listening to their own inner voice. I think it would be a world filled with more energetic, positively charged, passionate people and that is definitely the kind of world I want to live in.
 
If you feel stuck in the weeds and would like a fresh perspective on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me with an outline of your circumstances or click here for further information, I love to help. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I know for me to truly connect with others, even my kids, or to connect with my creativity, I first need to connect with myself. When I do that I get a feeling of wellbeing, I’m less distracted and more open to opportunities to enjoy life.

​The summer school holidays have just ended here and gave me many opportunities to observe myself in states of connection and disconnection as you might imagine. There have been good times and bad, but on balance I’d say it’s been mostly good.

There were certainly days though that reminded me of when I used to work in the corporate arena. When it got to ten o’clock at night and I’d finally get a moment to myself and know I had missed something. That said, these days I do know what it is I’m missing, it’s the inner voice I can so easily hear when I’m connected to my own wellbeing.

​While I’ve been managing to meditate and go for regular swims, it’s the days when I made choices that worked for all of us that went best; instead of days where I set aside my own needs and then felt like I was making a sacrifice for others.

Like one day when my kids were low in energy and I had organised a playdate at an indoor trampoline park with one of the girl’s friends. I had ignored my intuition to meet somewhere in nature and to organize something separate for my youngest child. It turned out to be an awful experience with lots of infighting and the younger sibling getting ditched by the older ones, so there was more and more upset as the afternoon progressed.

In addition to dealing with the fall-out of this dynamic, I found myself in this echoey, noisy warehouse of a place on a really hot day with nothing but an occasional breeze from outside to cool down. It was hard to hear the other parent, especially with the constant interruptions to sooth frazzled kids, which was a shame as we often have some interesting exchanges.

As serendipity would have it, an Eckhart Tolle quote came through came through on email that night “Ask yourself is there joy, ease and lightness in what I am doing? If time is perceived as a burden or struggle it’s covering up the present moment.” This was precisely what had resulted in the mix of good and bad experiences. So I resolved to maintain my focus on the present moment and follow my intuition so we could enjoy more of our time together.

Then, the next day had been relatively low key and my kids were still playing happily together in the late afternoon. This is unusual as they are generally too exhausted at that end of the day and start fighting with each other. So, as the day was cooling to a more welcoming heat, I took advantage of the good moods and weather and we went to the beach for a late afternoon swim and some fish and chips for dinner.

When we arrived I immediately felt excited and happy to be there, completely well in my being. I had a great time splashing in the waves with the kids and my eldest daughter rated it as one of her favourite summer holiday experiences. It was wonderful, everything worked out well.

But I discovered things can still go well in more challenging circumstances. The other day we stopped at the grocery store to buy a few things for dinner on the way to a park where we were having a picnic. One of my kids came in with me, the other stayed in the car with their grandparent. As soon as we got back outside, my daughter started having a hissy fit because I had said no to having a treat before lunch. There was no reasoning with her; she had jumped into the proverbial well with no way to go but down.

As hissy fits go with that particular child, my best maneuver was to stick close yet not respond as it tends to further antagonize; the less verbal communication the better. I find that if I’m disconnected from my own feelings of wellbeing, I react badly and compound the ill feelings that are running riot in the moment.

As she started in on her hissy fit I had a choice: to push against her reaction which, experience has taught me, is like supersizing the depth of the well; or I can maintain my position calmly and be ready with a nice hug when she sploshes to the bottom and wants to get out again. I chose the latter.

While it wasn’t a great experience sitting in the driver’s seat of a parked up car, holding a child who had lost the plot for twenty minutes, I just focused on watching the people passing by as a distraction and maintained my sense of calm. This also had a positive knock on effect to the others in the car at the time, and we were all able to go on afterwards and enjoy our picnic.

Then today, although there have been a number of appointments to attend and it’s been a busy day, I’ve just been outside to reconnect with the whole cosmos. It’s a beautiful clear night and I can hear the nighttime movement of the cicadas’ symphony playing the in the trees; their chirping is a fantastic backdrop to the boundless sky filled with so much life and wonder. It’s so peaceful and – with everyone else asleep – I finally get time to just be.

This is the stuff I love, delving deep to contemplate the universe and then coming up for air to see the stars. That is when I know I’m connected to my wellbeing.

Yes, life can be busy, but if we don’t connect into our wellbeing it can pass us by all too quickly and in not a great way. No matter what is going on in your life, take as many moments as you can to observe what is happening – something that becomes infinitely easier if you practice short meditations regularly. It doesn’t mean that every moment will suddenly become great, but the good will more easily outweigh the things that throw you out of whack.

The more we are each connected to our wellbeing, the better decisions we make and the better life becomes. The better life becomes, the better it is for all of us; so let’s take time to focus on connecting as many times in each day as we can.

​If you feel stuck in the weeds and would like a fresh perspective on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me with an outline of your circumstances or click here for further information, I love to help. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog

I was talking to someone last week about the funerals they have attended, and how they often feel it’s quite sad listening to a eulogy that simply says something along the lines of “he loved his family, worked hard and liked to go bowling with his friends.” I guess they were contemplating their own mortality and contribution.

We are more than the sum of our actions of course, who we are lives on in others. But I understand what they were meaning. What do we contribute to Earth, to humankind, while we are here? That will depend on where our attention has been focused.

Gilbert Keith Chesterton once said “I am not absentminded. It is the presence of mind that makes me unaware of everything else.” This reminds me of Eckhart Tolle talking about the term Mind-ful-ness, and how it implies of the opposite of its intent.

But I do agree that if I let my mind take the driving seat in my life, my greatest contribution would likely be a huge amount of misplaced worry about many things past, present and future and I would associate effort with achievement.

Instead I’ve become aware of what is going on in my mind, I’ve become the observer as Mr Tolle says. Over time, and with increasing awareness, I’ve made room for another part of me in the driving seat, a part of me that seems to understand who I really am a lot better than my mind.

I could call that part the soul, spirit, inner voice, inner knowing or intuition. But it’s a part of me that knows - no matter what has happened, is happening or will happen in future – everything is always working out for me.

Even in the worst of times, it is always pointing me in the direction of my best life. For example, when relationships have ended, or people have been ill or died, or jobs have been made redundant. Out of everything that has ever happened in my life, I can point to how those things that have made me stronger, happier, and more authentic about what I want in life and who I am.

That inner voice takes any bad or good feelings that accompany the thoughts in my mind, and it uses them as fuel to attempt to move forwards. Pain and joy, they are two sides of the same coin.

So rather than wait for hindsight to learn what good has come out of the things that feel bad, I take comfort in knowing something will. Instead of being completely engulfed by the emotions, rallying against the feeling that life is in some way unfair, there is a part of me that is simply interested in what is arising out of each situation.

I’ve become curious. I’ve sought out the observations of those who have been observers before me, who have seen the patterns in human suffering – both physical and emotional – and taken note of what they mean. I’ve tested their observations against that inner part of me who often seems to rally in agreement.

“That resonates” I say when I feel like I’ve hit upon a truth.

It’s one thing to become aware of our thoughts, it is another to use them and shape them to propel us in the direction of our best life. That step is about tapping into the ideas we have, the things that occur to us that can be done differently, better, in a more fun way.

An idea is the start of a creation, an expansion of who we are and what we have discovered or achieved. It is evolution, it is growth, and it is legacy and contribution.

We often shrink away from our ideas, they remain a fleeting thought hanging out in the ether somewhere awaiting someone to take a hold of them with enough drive and conviction so as to bring them to life.

I’m not just talking about ideas like inventing something, it might just be creative ideas on planting or cooking, or which clothes go with what. We all have ideas, but do you have conviction in your ideas? Enough to give them your attention often, and to share them with the world (or at least one other person)?

Or do you listen to the voice in your head that tells you that you are not good enough, that your idea won’t be good enough or of interest to anyone?

I think that is a voice that comes from childhood. I’ve watched (and experienced) the way we come into society. Babies and young children are generally treated as empty vessels that require filling. Yet if you spend any time with a youngster you will know that is not true.

But when the people we love and depend on keep giving us messages about them knowing better, it takes a toll in the form of our self esteem. The voices of doubt in our head are just echoes of this, and because they are there we prove to ourselves again and again that the voice is right.

Observe that voice, is it relevant? Or are there things you’ve actually been successful at in your life? Perhaps you are worth something after all? Perhaps there is no maybe about it, perhaps if you were born then you have a contribution to make?

It might be a small contribution, like the difference you make in the life of a child.

My grandad was a straight up kind of a guy; kind, helpful and honest. He helped a lot of people, especially young lads getting into soccer as he was a scout and loved the game. My dad also embodied those characteristics and has helped a lot of people to manage other people with integrity and kindness in the workplace. Today my nephew sites him as the person he admires the most in his life,so no doubt he will emulate those traits and help more people through his life.

Really none of this is a small contribution.

As I observed my own thoughts and doubts about putting my writing out into the world, I realised it didn’t matter whether some people agreed or disagreed, it’s all just an opinion; what matters is if it helps one person to make a difference for the better in their life.

So I pay attention to my life, to what happens in it, what I think and feel about it, I observe and I share with others. I learn and grow and I share this with others too.

Whether you deliberately focus your attention or not, whatever you are paying attention to will be your greatest contribution. So you may as well make it something positive, and something you enjoy. Each of us has something to contribute, something that comes naturally, that we enjoy being or doing. Imagine our world full of people deliberately focusing their attention on those things, how cool would that be?

If you feel stuck in the weeds and would like a fresh perspective on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me with an outline of your circumstances or click here for further information, I love to help. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.