I was listening to Lisa Romano talk about Our Soul’s Growth and how conditioned we are for constriction rather than expansion. She says “Self-efficacy, self-individualisation, personal growth and cultivating a success mindset – in spite of any lack we have been conditioned to believe in – are the only path our Soul will ever be concerned with”.
 
Earlier I had been talking to someone whose partner had been the victim of terrible abuse in their younger years, an all too common story. They did not want to talk about their trials; they just wanted to forget them. Again, this is very common.
 
Unfortunately though, these hurts – whether physical, mental and/or emotional – do affect us in one way or another. In this case the person concerned is extremely angry as a predominant state, and – knowing that acting in anger is not an acceptable way to behave – constantly tries to tune out in order to manage it.
 
But even those of us who don’t have stories of what we would consider terrible childhood abuse, carry neurological wiring relating to our younger years that may not be serving us as we grow. Lisa refers to a discourteous interaction with an abrupt and seemingly uncaring shop assistant, as an example, which may trigger subconscious memories of the way a sibling treated us, and our hard wired reaction could lead to a response in the moment that we are less than proud of.
 
I can relate to this. I recall a camera shop owner in Tenerife trying to get me to pay a higher price than I had agreed and I literally exploded at the guy and pretty much cleared the shop. After all the haggling, he then started backtracking and trying to add extras and telling me I had agreed to something I hadn’t. Having being brought up with strong morals around truth telling and harsh punishment for lies, in essence the child in me over reacted and I was mortified at having acted that way – especially in public.
 
Yet when I feel into that example, it’s all about the conditioned constriction I felt and had been conditioned to operate within my younger years. Not that it’s a bad thing to be taught good morals, but often my side of the story was swept aside and – as the elder one – I had to take responsibility. It left me feeling that my voice was unheard and unimportant.
 
So now, in similar situations, when I notice I’m over reacting, that is my soul’s call to expansion.
 
And I have found that this is the first and most important way to reach for growth, simply by being able to notice. That in itself has been transformational as I said in Change Unhealthy Reactions. When I am triggered, the pull to satisfy the lust of my usual reaction is strong. That is my neurobiology.

But if I satisfy that hunger, although it feels momentarily delicious, victorious and powerful, I begin to see that - what could have just been a passing storm - I have now spun into an out of control cyclone. Instead, if I can ride the urge without reacting, I discover it is fleeting.

I can also attest that until I learned to observe my reactions without being consumed by them, I was a slave to them. Making a lame promise to just observe in the triggered moment doesn’t work, because when I was triggered my prefrontal cortex – the rational part of my brain – was closed for business.

Instead, I took up a short 15 minute daily meditation, practicing noticing my thoughts and letting them go. This naturally expanded to other times when I’d suddenly catch myself in the middle of ranting at the kids to tidy up, for example, and started to adjust my reactions in ways that were more productive.

I noticed way back when I was involved in corporate change and transformation, people will often comply out of fear when others are angry or in a dominant position, but it’s short lived and – if they feel they can’t openly defy – they will find covert ways to do so. The same applies in parenting I have found, and any other human relationship. Finding a mutually agreeable way forward always leads to the best outcome.

From noticing my thoughts and taking a different tact, I was able to change a lot right there. But I have also noticed there are triggers that seem to reappear like perennial weeds, and those require a bit more focus in order to stop them coming up so often. Those are the ones tied to strong unhelpful beliefs like “I’m not enough” or “I’m not worthy” and so on.

This is deep work, but it is also deeply satisfying to reap the results as my soul’s desire for expansion has taken hold and become the new way of approaching life. I’m no longer the constricted child, except by my own making. I accepted the challenge to overcome that neurobiology and reach for responses that are more in alignment with my full potential.

In what ways are you constricting your growth and what could you do to start to turn the tide and reach for expansion instead?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Your Childhood Is Not Your Fault but It Is Your Responsibility, Your Childhood Is Not Your Fault but It Will Be Your Limitation, Clear the Fog of Trauma to See the Magnificence of Your Being, Are the Most Loving, Courageous and Compassionate Parts of You in the Driving Seat?, Do You Need to Heal Your Boundaries? and Give Yourself Permission to Live Life in Alignment With Your True Nature. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

To some people it might be really obvious what emotions like resentment and frustration have to do with boundaries; to me, it wasn’t. I had never heard of healthy boundaries until a couple of years ago.
Boundaries can be defined by my personal happiness, desires, needs and personal truth.
 
Like many people growing up, I was allowed these things so long as they fit with the family and societal view of “the right way to do things”, which is to say I only felt I could be myself in so far as that fit with what others thought was okay. Anything that fell outside these parameters was considered anywhere from unsuitable to downright dangerous.
 
It has taken me a long time, and a lot of heartache and pain, to understand that who I am – my thoughts, feelings, beliefs, desires, values etc – is absolutely fine to be. In fact, not only is it fine, it is both necessary to my own wellbeing and to the complex contrast and symbiosis of all beings in our world.
 
But it takes a bit of sifting to figure out exactly who I am at times. That list I mentioned - my thoughts, feelings, beliefs, desires, values etc – is a real mix of my innate thoughts, feelings, beliefs, desires, values versus those I have learned. And to add further complexity it’s not at all always obvious which is which.
 
Last week, when I had been reading an article about building relationships in a paradigm of compatibility versus compromise, the bones of this sentence really stuck with me “When you build your relationships on the foundation of compatibility, you don’t believe in giving in when it comes to anything in a relationship that will cause you to feel resentment, frustration or pain; or that will compromise your sense of personal wellbeing”.
 
Having learned a fair degree of information about boundaries over the last couple of years, it struck me that these emotions are a good litmus test of both where my boundaries are and when they are not being honoured. I learned early on that anger is a sign of transgressed boundaries, but I wanted an early warning sign not an ambulance at the bottom of a cliff, and that sentence does a pretty good job of summing it up.
 
The thing I’ve really learned about boundaries is that they are mine to hold rather more than something other’s cross. Generally speaking, if I have and hold healthy boundaries then others don’t get the opportunity to stomp on them.
 
I worked through a great example of this on a course last weekend using a NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) technique for making changes at a fundamental level.
 
We were asked to think of something that kept triggering us, and the trainer had just been talking about a client who was in high avoidance when it came to dealing with letters and emails, she literally had hundreds and thousands of each unopened. It turned out the client had been through a nasty divorce in the past and, every time she received a nasty letter or email, she had what the trainer called an “unresourceful” emotional reaction – which eventually led to complete avoidance all together of opening any emails or letters.
 
With that example resonating for me, I looked at my own triggers around receiving unwelcome texts and emails. Another course participant took me through the logical levels, looking at the behaviours that typically accompanied the receipt of unwelcome texts and emails.
 
I could recognise the way my body behaved in reaction to these easily: outwardly I shut down, snapping at those who try to connect with me in that moment. Inwardly my mind starts swimming, my tummy clenches, my chest tightens, my throat constricts and my jaw tenses, sometimes I might start shaking. Then eventually I notice my head, neck and shoulders all ache as I am constantly ruminating and that leads to chronic headaches, migraines and other unwelcome health issues including kidney stones.  
 
These behaviours, all indicative of a dysregulated state, have of course become a habit over time. It is a learned response to unwelcome and chronic attempts of another to exert control, accusations, lies, blame and so forth. As a close friend of mine put it, it had become a habit to feel “terrified, angry and f#cked off” in these situations.
 
We then looked at the beliefs that sit beneath these habits and behaviours, which sound a bit like this is in my psyche: “this is a threat I need to keep under close watch at all times”, “they are trying to hurt me”, “this is a threat I have to respond to immediately”.
 
So this part of me, that believes these things and behaves in those ways, what does it value? It values safety, it values the truth. And who am I identifying as in that moment, what part of me is in the driving seat? The victim, I realise.
 
As Tony Robbins says “Inside of you, there are parts of you that are incredibly gracious and generous, but there is also a part that is selfish. We all have loving parts and not so loving parts, playful parts and boring parts, courageous parts and fearful parts”. Then he said poignantly “The real question is not Who are you? The real question is Which part of you is in charge right now?”

Identifying as a victim is clearly not a resourceful place to act from, so we worked from there, what identity would be more helpful? Empowered, it would be much more resourceful if I could put an empowered part of me in the driving seat in these situations.

So then I looked at what values the more empowered me holds. In that state, I value being intentional with my attention. I also value my truth and that of others, and I value my boundaries and those of others.

In terms of beliefs, in that more empowered state or identity, I trust that I will always be in the right place at the right time for my desired growth. I trust that, in life, I can hold my intentions above anything malignant or distracting.

In order to hold that, it would be helpful to develop a habit of intentional visioning, being forward looking – not in a “what if...” ruminating kind of way – in a resourceful, empowered “what I imagine for my life” kind of way.

To create that habit I have to change a few behaviours. Here is where the rubber meets the road. If I make this too big a stretch I’m more likely to fail to create the desired habits. Instead I opted to integrate setting my intentions alongside another habit I already have well established. Each night when I write in my gratitude journal, I now set my intentions for the following day.

And I separate out my intentions into things that are for me to focus on, versus things I leave up to the serendipities of life, in a place of trust that things are always working out. For example, today it was my intention to be present with my children. It is school holidays and we are enjoying quality time together. It’s also my intention that our house sale goes smoothly but, having done all I can do in order to make that happen, I can now set that aside today and trust it will unfold as it’s meant to.

I also meditate daily, so I’ve integrated my intentions with that practice, allowing my attention to be directed there at the start of the practice as a touchstone. Having done those things, when I now imagine receiving a gnarly text or an email, it feels that I can do that from a more empowered standpoint. It’s a process.

As I said in How to Take Things as They Come When You Have Learned Not to Trust, when Lisa Romano’s clients ask her "When will I feel better? When will I no longer be reactive? When will I feel peaceful? When will I gain back my self-confidence?" And she responds “The truth is, healing takes time and it takes mental toughness training to undo the psychological as well as neurological issues chronic abuse creates over time. There is no quick fix” this is where the rubber meets the road.

Establishing better boundaries is a day by day process of noticing when you would benefit from taking a different tack – the indicators being the unresourceful feelings like resentment, frustration and other types of pain – and then figuring out new ways of approaching things. So when you next feel resentment, frustration or pain, or anything that will compromise your sense of personal wellbeing, what will you do differently?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How Do I Honour What I Believe and Care Less What You Think? , Are the Most Loving, Courageous and Compassionate Parts of You in the Driving Seat?, Your Mind Will Try to Protect You By Resisting Your Healthy Boundaries, Do You Need to Heal Your Boundaries? and Give Yourself Permission to Live Life in Alignment With Your True Nature. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I was reading Tapas Dwivedi’s words on How to Get Comfortable Being Alone and they really spoke to me. My ex and I separated a year ago and it's only been in the last three months, when I was finally able to move into my own place, that I've at last had the periods of solitude I've needed to start to come back to myself.

I call it my in-between space, and I am in no hurry to leave it. Tapas’ description of solitude as a duvet feels so apt. I often wonder how many people there are living this way. Not just in the world, but even in my own neighbourhood. And I also wonder how many more are surrounded by people who are lonelier than those of us living alone.

If I can paraphrase my favourite words from his article it is these:

“In the raw moments of loneliness that succeed a breakup or bereavement, when we have nowhere to run, we encounter our true self; like I did. And it was scary. It felt like sitting in the corner of a dungeon with a chain locked around my ankle as a stranger towered over me. I wanted to run away, but there was nowhere good enough to run to.
I realised what a shell of a person I was now that my ex-wife had left me... But I was starting to get to know myself from a brand new perspective. Solitude has the power to teach us about ourselves. It is the gym where we must go to train.”

As a consequence of his experience he advocates solitude as a practice for everyone and concludes “Soon you will get to know the most interesting person you have ever met. One who will always be with you no matter what else you lose”.

Now I’m not sure if I would consider myself the most interesting person I’ve met, but I can’t deny the wisdom in his words that I am the only one who will always be with me no matter what or who I lose. So it makes a good deal of sense to get to know and befriend myself. I have to be the one I can rely on to see me, to advocate for me, and to hold and heal me through the hard times.

That has been my biggest lesson these last few years, starting to understand how to have and hold healthy boundaries. As I said to a friend of mine, having kids separates the mature from the immature, we either choose to grow up or we don’t. And I certainly no longer had the capacity to pander to persistent immaturity in an adult – in me or anyone else. 

After full time responsibility for my children most of their lives, separation has proved a somewhat welcome opportunity to hand over some of that responsibility and have a little balance restored in my life. Not that I would have chosen this upheaval for my children, but if they get more quality time with their other parent then that is a good thing. 

It certainly is strange indeed to have motherhood change so dramatically and so suddenly though. Accepting my kids are not going to get consistency in terms of limitations, routines and parenting styles and continually redirecting them back to the other parent when they are there, instead of rescuing them all, is the biggest change.

Otherwise it's nice to have some space to myself and then good to have the children back again. And while I have that space I sink into my solitude like the deliciousness that it is. When the time is right I trust I'll feel the urge to break out this chrysalis-like state, but right now I'm enjoying reacquainting myself with that person who, as Tapas’ said, has been living in the basement all these years.

It’s not easy, particularly when reckoning with the me who abandoned myself for so long. My friend wrote a beautiful prose yesterday that feels so apt:

“To love someone long-term is to attend a thousand funerals of the people they used to be. The people they're too exhausted to be any longer. The people they don't recognize inside themselves anymore. The people they grew out of, the people they never ended up growing into. It takes commitment and respect for the other to not let yourself succumb to your own one thousand deaths.”

To love and respect others fully, without giving away me, is to love and respect myself just as fiercely.

I read an article by Teal Swan this morning talking about the difference between relationships founded in compromise rather than compatibility. She says “Compromise means we settle conflict or reach alignment by way of mutual concession. In essence we believe it’s loving to concede something of value”.

Whereas compatibility is where coexistence is beneficial and adds to the wellbeing of both. She says “It is about creating the right arrangements with people and putting people in the right place in your life according to their and your personal boundaries (personal feelings, thoughts, desires, needs, behaviours, truths etc)”.

As Teal points out, often when we are in conflict with another person, it is because we are operating from two different paradigms. One believes in compromise and the other doesn’t and so you are pulling in different directions for a solution, enhancing the feeling of unworkability on both sides.

What I love about this contrast is it’s shone a spotlight for me on a more conscious way of being in relationships to anyone. As I begin to feel into who I am and what my personal feelings, thoughts, desires, needs, behaviours, truths etc are, it gives me clarity on how to proceed more successfully in creating compatible relationships of every kind.

As Teal says “

“When you build your relationships on the foundation of compatibility, you don’t believe in giving in when it comes to anything in a relationship that will cause you to feel resentment, frustration or pain; or that will compromise your sense of personal wellbeing. You don’t believe in mutual sacrifice.

You don’t believe that balance in a relationship is about meeting half way. Instead, you believe that loving someone means making sure they are not in pain. And them loving you means making sure that you are not in pain, even if that means that you cannot be with a person in a certain relationship arrangement because of it.

Therefore, you also don’t believe in having your own singular happiness at heart. But you don’t believe in sacrificing your singular happiness for the sake of the other person’s happiness either. And you believe that in order for a person to be right and good, they must be willing to look at the incompatibilities that are causing pain and be willing to find a different, more compatible arrangement for you both. You believe in symbiosis rather than give and take.”

With that paradigm in mind, as I alternatively retreat under my blanket of solitude these days versus when I have roles to perform, part of this transformation in the cocoon is very much a revaluation and reorientation of the way I interact with the world and what I will and won’t accept.

Like Tapas, I believe everyone would benefit from periods of solitude in order to get clarity on what parts of us have been living in the basement for years, and who we would like to show up as in the world today. If this sounds like a yearning you have, in what ways could you draw solitude around you like a warm blanket to get to know yourself better?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Give Yourself Permission to Live Life in Alignment With Your True Nature, How Blissful Would It Be to Abandon Your Life Load?, How Living Your Passions Fully Combats Feeling Lonely, Loneliness – Meet the Most Important Person in Your Life, Does Your Heart Long to Be Accepted for Being Just You? and Meditation – the Cornerstone to Your Success. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

A friend of mine gave me some well meaning advice to “Take things as they come”. This means to deal with things as they happen without planning for them, and do what feels right with a composed state of mind. This sounds like an excellent goal, but I also know that reaching that goal requires a lot of practice when someone has learned the hard way not to trust others.

I recalled this week one of the clearest memories I have of first experiencing what now seems to be popularly termed gaslighting. This is when someone is psychologically manipulated into doubting their own sanity.

I was twenty years old when a driver coming from the opposite direction crossed the central line and ran into the car I was driving, glancing off and hitting the car behind me before flipping and landing on its roof.  No one was seriously injured thankfully, but I did have whiplash and bruising.

Months later, as the driver of the oncoming vehicle disputed causing the accident, my cousin – who had been my passenger that night – and the guy in the vehicle behind us were all called to testify in court as to the circumstances of the crash. I remember my cousin being terrified, and me being the strong one saying “It will be fine, just tell it as it happened, we didn’t do anything wrong”.

My mother had strict morals, and honesty was one of them. As a child I was punished severely for telling lies. Once I recall spending two pence change, from whatever I’d  been sent to the shops for – bread I think - on a piece of bubblegum. When I got home and tried to say I’d lost the money, my mum came down hard. I recall the exact words as I was being punished “This isn’t because you bought the bubblegum, it’s because you lied about it”.

We were not allowed in the courtroom as the others each gave evidence, so when my cousin came back to the waiting area visibly shaken and upset, I was most definitely feeling far more nervous than I was letting on. That was my stance then and now, be strong and if I don’t feel it, fake it.

I stood in the stand and started to give my recount of that night when the accident occurred. The guy’s lawyer, the one who had hit us in the oncoming vehicle, said to me in a rather austere tone “I put it to you Miss Keachie that you were the one who crossed the central line and hit my client’s oncoming vehicle”.

Unprepared for such an accusation, an outright lie, I was in shock and blurted something like “I bloody well did not”. Then the judge reprimanded me for swearing – another thing I’d been punished for as a child. I didn’t know it then but I was in full flight or fight mode, more accurately freeze mode, and completely lost for words and shaking. It was all I could do not to break down and cry right there in the witness box.

I discovered afterwards that the defendant, the man who had crashed into us, was on his way home from a night shift and had fallen asleep at the wheel. He pleaded not guilty in the hopes of avoiding prosecution as he was training to be a driving instructor and his career would be ended before it had begun with this kind of conviction.

That is when I really realised for the first time that not everyone had been brought up with the same morals. To lie under oath seemed so huge to me that I was quite in disbelief the defendant and his lawyer had the gall to do it.

But still I held tight to my beliefs, I was wired to.

Recently another lawyer I’ve been working with told me that she sees this common pattern between parties where one shoots off wild accusations, or twists the truth, to get what they want and the other wants to spell out the truth in the hopes that the other party will see reason and capitulate.

Her view is that it’s a waste of time with that kind of person. I agree, though it took me a long time to see it.
Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic and, according to Ike Allen and Ande Anderson of Avaiya University, “Signs that someone is gaslighting you might include:

• Denial of your recollection of events
  
• Refusal to consider your point of view
• Calling you crazy or overly sensitive when you voice concerns
• Or twisting what happened to shift the blame to you”.

Often in order to reinforce this manipulation, those gaslighting use a tactic called triangulation. Triangulation happens when one or both of the people involved in the conflict try to pull a third person into the dynamic, often with the goal of deflecting some of the tension, creating another conflict to take the spotlight off the original issue and reinforcing their sense of rightness or superiority.

Author and coach Lisa Romano, who was the victim of gaslighting and narcissistic abuse for many years, says “If you are the target of a narcissistic person and are experiencing triangulation, what’s happening on the outside is that the narcissist is talking to rational people who, in their heads, think there must be some rational reason this person is so upset. They do not understand that they are dealing with someone who sees themselves as a victim and is causing triangulation as an insurance policy”.

When Lisa went to therapy with her ex husband he was like a different person. She would think “If only you were like this at home we wouldn’t be here”.

She says we see it often in the court system when someone is exaggerating claims, or just outright lying and warns “You have to be careful as there are some judges who fall for this, thinking this must be pretty bad if this person is so upset”.

Lisa discovered there is little understanding that, when it comes to people with high conflict personalities, you have to take that rationale and throw it out the window. People on the outside of this dynamic are not learning about narcissism or codependency and don’t understand when you tell them “This is what I’m dealing with…. I can’t trust this person” or “This person is different when there is no audience”, it makes you sound crazy.

Even within those relationships, and I have had the misfortune to experience a few in my career and in personal relationships, it took decades for me to realise that my default wiring of “There must be some misunderstanding here, let me explain..” would always be fruitless. The high conflict person appears to have no conscience and simply wants their own way.

Worse, as Lisa says “If you stay in these relationships, soon enough you will feel that you are losing it, and suffer from self doubt, anxiety, rumination, depression, chronic stress and eventually have a nervous breakdown and/or develop serious health issues. All the while the people you love will wonder if you’re the one who is causing the problems as you’re so highly anxious and perhaps even seem neurotic”.

So when that lawyer said to me that the truth is a waste of time with that kind of person, while I agree, I can also see that the truth - the facts - are incredibly important. They are the solid ground upon which to stand in a world where another would have you believe an entirely different reality.

In the corporate world we used to calls this ACE, an Arse Covering Exercise. But when it comes to manipulation and especially gaslighting I’ve found it’s incredibly important just for my sanity.

Lisa relates “Your reaction to a narcissist's abuse will be the focus of their attention. When you react to it, they use your normal healthy reaction as proof that you're crazy, and that you should not trust your perceptions. As they remain calm, observing your natural emotional response to abuse, you begin to doubt your reaction is valid. Reactive abuse is a weapon narcissists use against their victims for the purpose of controlling their minds from the inside out”.

Lisa admits that, upon reflection, there were times when the way she reacted to this was nasty and snarky. She says there were even occasions she could have characterized her own reactions as abusive. This is what I would call “letting someone get a rise out of you”, they basically succeed in winding up their victim.

As her healthy self-doubt got lost in the emotional abuse she endured as a child and as an adult, she wondered:
"Maybe they are right. Maybe I am just a negative person. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I am too much. Maybe I have no right to feel this way. Maybe I should not react so strongly to their passive aggressiveness. Maybe the silent treatment is not so bad. Maybe their criticisms are meant to help me. Maybe my desire to feel closer to them is unrealistic. Maybe I should just shut up! Maybe I should not make such a big deal out of catching them in another lie. At least they don't hit me...”

After episodes like these, she would remain in emotional hangovers for days, weeks, and sometimes months, which I could relate to. She had no clue what reactive abuse was, or how a narcissistic person used their victim's reaction to maintain mind control. 

So “No”, I thought when challenged by the lawyer, the explanations of the facts and the truth aren't for the perpetrator, it has long since been recognised they are not interested in those and have no conscience. They are for the lawyers and, ultimately, a judge, hopefully all reasonable people who are able to give sensible advice and make sensible decisions. 

However, as my first experience with the driver’s lawyer in the courtroom showed, the perpetrators even have their own professional flying monkeys. I’ve also experienced this in recent years where I still somehow remained shocked that a professional would use the same gaslighting tactics in order to win their client’s case.

There is no denying that it has taken me a long time and enough distance and perspective to see the behaviours and the patterns so clearly. And until I had some distance from it there was no doubt my inner instinct was always to respond "You misunderstand, here's where I'm coming from" in the hopes that somewhere a penny would drop and the crazy-making would cease.

And back to that friend of mine who gave me some well meaning advice to “Take things as they come”, well, I’m getting there but it’s not an overnight thing.

Lisa’s clients ask her "When will I feel better? When will I no longer be reactive? When will I feel peaceful? When will I gain back my self-confidence?" And she responds “The truth is, healing takes time and it takes mental toughness training to undo the psychological as well as neurological issues chronic abuse creates over time. There is no quick fix”.

That is why online videos, podcasts, courses, books and so forth are so valuable as they provide easily accessible platforms that give people who have been the target of narcissistic attacks an opportunity to educate themselves and others. And the more I have studied this advice I can see it’s universal and the road to recovery requires consistent practice.

Here are some things that I have done, as summed up by attorney Rebecca Zung, to start regaining a sense of power:

1. First, start creating some boundaries.  Even if they are tiny.  Then enforce them with all your might.
   
2. Second, start to notice when they get emotional.  Start even observing their emotions out loud to them by saying things like "I see that you are upset."  It will start to help you distance yourself from the situation and start to see the situation as an observer. This is the part where I like to record the facts.
   
3. Third, start to notice your own triggers.  Observe. Do not under any circumstances show your emotions to them if possible. Pretend like you’re reporting the news.  Never explain, justify or overshare.
   
4. Fourth, journal your feelings onto paper.  Put it all out there. Allow yourself the grace to feel yourself to feel your emotions. The only way out is through. Then burn it if you have to.
   
5. Lastly, gather a very close inner circle of a super supportive group of trustworthy people around you who will help you maintain sanity, build you up and gain confidence daily.  
   

I hope you have never had to, and will never have to, experience these kind of attacks on your personal opinion, needs, desires, credibility and, frankly, sanity. However this pattern of playing for top down control is one of the most prevalent patterns in our world today, playing out not just in relationships between two people but on a much wider scale through governments and media.

If you ever wonder how seemingly intelligent and successful people fall victim to these kinds of tactics, or feel ashamed that you have yourself, there is an excellent podcast series by Tiffany Reese that a friend recommended to me called Something Was Wrong. In 2018 Tiffany launched her award-winning podcast which tells the stories of various abuse survivors, and aims to validate victims and educate the public on important topics such as emotional, physical or sexual abuse, coercive control and gaslighting.

But be reassured by these final words from Lisa Romano ” Today, I have learned to discern wolves from sheep, lions from kittens, and bears from earthworms. This is me, acknowledging danger and staying mentally strong and connected to my divine guidance system in spite of potential predators”. In short, Lisa learned to trust herself again, as am I, which lends nicely to being able to take things as they come while being savvy to – rather than gaslit by - the toxic patterns that are more common than you might realise.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Embrace Your Authentic Self, Shed the Toxic People in Your Life, Could a Broader Perspective Benefit Us All Right Now?, Why Do Some People Seem so Self Absorbed and Not Care About Others?, Clear the Fog of Trauma to See the Magnificence of Your Being, In What Unseen Ways Are You Abandoning Your Own Free Will?, From Frustrating to Fantastic – How Do We Get Organisations to Meet Our Needs?, Overcome the Greatest Human Fear – Be the True You, Resentment, the Family Business. Are You Willing to Let It Go? and What I Love About Being With Narcissistic People. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Last week my kids were watching the Kim Possible movie. It’s about a teenage spy who feels overshadowed by a new agent. She loses her identity as “being the best” and doesn’t know who she is anymore. Her mum says “You are who you have always been, you’re still Kim Possible”.

The same day I read a quote from Glennon Doyle “Ask a women who she is and she will tell you who she loves, who she serves and what she does – I am a wife/sister/friend/career woman. The fact that we define ourselves by our roles is what makes us untethered and afraid. If a woman defines herself as a wife, what happens when her partner leaves? Or the kids go to college? Or the company folds?”

I observe the same regardless of gender, our roles in relation to others seem to define our very sense of self.
Perhaps having been through many changes in my life that have redefined the roles I’ve played within relationships and careers and other arenas, it has helped me to see the qualities that make me uniquely me:

• I am always curious about why people behave the way they do
  
• I am always curious about life, energy and creation beyond the physical senses
  
• I am always curious about the interconnectedness of everything on our planet, seen and unseen, understood and misunderstood, and beyond
  
• I am always looking for ways to best express my thoughts and feelings
  
• I am generally kind, sensitive, thoughtful and generous in nature
  
• I am a person of my word, and take promises and responsibilities very seriously
  
• I enjoy being around people who evoke my curiosity and evolve my worldview
  
• I prefer quality over quantity
  
• I love being out in nature, especially near the ocean and other bodies of water
  
• I trust in the process of change and transformation - in all its guises. I’ve seen it from a retrospective standpoint enough to welcome it in and embrace it even though it’s usually not the most pleasant experience
  
• And I am well aware that I am not everyone’s cup of tea
  

There are times when different parts of me take the lead, and those parts are not always defined by healthy behaviors, yet they were all born from healthy reactions that – at the time – served me. I’ve had to look at these parts of me, the behavioural patterns that may no longer serve and observe, question and make different choices in order to create healthier patterns.

As a result there are times I can be fiercely independent and at other times codependent. There are times when I am centered and confident, and others when I am anxious or in flight or fight mode. There are times when I’m deep and serious and others when I’m carefree and playful. There are times I am extremely introverted and closed off from the world, and others when I am open and social and really quite extrovert. There are times when I’m present and times when I’m distracted. I’m human.

You might like me, you might not. You might like me one minute and hate me the next. My job is to learn to be okay with that rather than bend my shape to fit something you might like and lose myself again in the process. I’m always coming back to myself, and that happens more frequently and with a stronger pull these days if I veer off course.
I listened to someone express their opinion on something recently, who felt the need to preface it with these words:

“Things do not seem to me to always match the popular narrative. We are living in a time where people are being silenced and alternative opinions are being monitored for questioning the narratives pushed to the public. It is a time of living in fear of ridicule, judgment and social persecution.

Even if I wanted to share my most honest insights about the global and collective energies I would likely be censored, deplatformed or trolled. I am aware I have to filter much of what I have to say, to be careful with my wording so as not to offend others. Yet ultimately I am not trying to convince anyone of anything, I am not attached to anyone needing to believe my truth as their own.”

I feel the truth of where they were coming from. In so many ways, aspects of this world seem to be going backwards. While I firmly believe this is actually part of a process of “turning up the heat” on the things that really need to change, I also believe that the thing that will see us through is getting a clearer view on who we each authentically are.

I read an email from Brianna MacWilliam yesterday “Oprah once said that the greatest discovery of all time is that a person can change his future by merely changing his attitude, which I personally found really inspiring. But she left out one really crucial part – how damn hard it can be to change your attitude when so much that compels our thoughts, feelings and behaviours is largely unconscious, and therefore beyond our awareness and control. That is of course, until you become aware. Then a whole lot more falls within the bounds of your control”.

I believe the key to human evolution right now lies in this bit of work, becoming aware of who we each truly are. The ability to define our qualities and talents and anchor ourselves in that, to observe our thoughts and our reactions and figure out which part of us is in the driving seat and whether it is serving us, this is the key to a kinder, more empowering world. So who are you? Go ahead and introduce yourself to the remarkable human behind the roles that you currently play and anchor yourself in that.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Introducing the Authentic You, Take a Small Break from Your Life to Restart from Your Authentic Core, Leverage Your Feelings to Find Your Authentic Self, Want Better Health? Be Shrewd About Stress, Change Unhealthy Reactions, Meditation – the Cornerstone to Your Success and Do You Always Express Your True Feelings? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.