How to Attract People Who Love You the Way You Are: Accept and Approve of Yourself

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

In a recent text conversation with a good friend of mine, they commented “you are very intense”.
Now that is something I’ve always taken as a criticism rather than a compliment, and tears welled up in my eyes. I let the conversation meander in a different direction after that, but I have done sufficient personal work - and know my friend well enough - to know that what I was experiencing was an overreaction.

In the circumstances, I intuitively knew that what my friend what saying was in reaction to my analytical nature and it was code for “I don’t want to dive into to this right now”. But my head was swimming and I felt sucker punched, although the conversation moved on I didn’t, I was frozen in that moment internally.

And when there is an overreaction like that, I know that it’s an old wound that hasn’t been tended to. I made a mental note to work through and process whatever wanted to be seen.

There’s many ways to process old wounds, but a couple of days later I was reading an article that was talking about the fastest way to line up with people who hold intense positive focus towards us.
The premise is, to experience people who see us as perfect the way we are, we have to first see ourselves that way.

It made the point that spiritual people are often some of the least likely to engage in relationships like this as, in general, we are obsessively committed to the path of self improvement. I could relate to this. And it did make sense to me that to “improve” myself means being focused on my shortcomings, which is a negative bias.

The answer therefore is to actively practice self approval towards who I am in this moment, as if nothing will ever change about me for the rest of my life. Teal’s article suggests that every morning when I first wake up, pick one thing I don’t accept or approve of about myself. The challenge is then to think outside the box (and elicit help if needed) to write a large list of things that make me feel better about that aspect of myself and even approve of it.

The example given in the article is around being “emotionally unstable” but I could see this would be an excellent way for me to reorientate myself in relation to this aspect of me that is “intense”.

In truth, I know that the part of me that is curious about why people think, feel and act the way they do, is inherent in my nature. It’s so much a part of who I am that I cannot separate myself from it, and the reason it felt like a sucker punch is because it felt like a rejection of who I am.

So I started to write my list of reasons that make me feel better about this “intense” aspect of myself:

• I’m a good person to know if you want help analysing your inner world
  
• This curiosity is what allows me to help others fulfil their potential (should they seek to) and do my work
  
• The more I understand people’s motives and triggers, the better I can orient myself in the relationship
  
• It makes me more self aware and willing to grow from experiences
  
• It means I’m always learning and growing, which feels good to me
  

Then I ran dry, so I turned to my trusty resource from Claire Zammit and Katherine Woodward Thomas which takes a deep dive into the kinds of unhelpful belief patterns that often live within us. In here I felt this “I’m too intense” was akin to “I’m too much” and the following statements helped me lean into this aspect of myself:

• This gives me the opportunity to name, witness and welcome all my feelings, needs and desires and expand my capacity to hold and contain the entirety of who I am (this feels pivotal and right on cue for where my life is at)
  
• It allows me the opportunity to expand my capacity to receive support and sponsorships from others
  
• It enables me to expand my sphere of influence by taking on large projects that match my energy level, gifts and talents
  
• It affords me the ability to navigate the balance between my full self expression and the impact I’m having on others, learning to tune in to others and read the effect I’m having on them so I can ensure my intention is being served (this relates particularly well to the example with my friend who just wasn’t ready to look at anything more deeply)
  
• I am intelligent and highly competent
  
• I have highly developed professional skills
  
• I am resourceful and able to make things happen
  
• I’m able to hold vast amounts of responsibility
  
• I’m capable of earning a lot of money
  
• The full expression of my gifts, talents and knowing is beneficial to the wellbeing of all
  
• I can receive the full power and force of who I am and unleash that into the world
  
• The fulfilment of my needs and desires is necessary to my complete expansion (this feels like a truth statement)
  
• I am that aspect of the power and presence of the creator which is deep enough and wide enough to contain the entirety of my inner experiences
  
• I welcome in all my thoughts, feelings, needs and desires, they are not too much for me
  

I will admit that many of these at the latter end of the list feel like I’m looking at a job description with big shoes to fill. It feels possible, it makes sense, yet it’s also more than a little nerve-wracking. I guess that is the gap between where I am and full self expression. But it also feels that to disapprove of this aspect of myself is to deny an aspect of creation that intended to be this intense, so best I get on board!

When I spoke to my friend after I’d processed this, straight away they encouraged me not to see this aspect of myself as a negative, In truth, they actually felt it was more of a positive trait than anything.

Would you like to line up more with people who hold a positive focus towards you? To experience people who accept you just the way you are, you have to accept yourself that way also. So which aspects of yourself would you and others benefit from you working on some self acceptance and approval?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy What Happens When You Accept Yourself And Stop Seeking Approval?, The People Who Hurt Us Are Vehicles for Our Growth, Believe In Yourself Even if You Feel No One Else Does, When Life Is Getting You Down – How to Lift Yourself Up and How to Receive More Love, Appreciation and Respect. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.