One of the things I’ve really been noticing lately are some of my less desirable traits. On the one hand, since it’s symptomatic of being around people I can be myself with, albeit it under stress, it is a huge boon since I’ve actively been on a personal growth journey for many years with a specific aim of expressing myself authentically. On the other hand, it’s a bit disconcerting to see all the worst parts of myself so clearly.

I mean, connection is all important to us humans as a social species interdependent on one another for survival. Any scary thought of being less than desirable to others is, therefore, understandable when put in the context of psychological survival.

But, on the other hand, to that perfectionist part of me that wanted to avoid “getting in trouble” or any kind of criticism, it still feels very uncomfortable to own those parts of me that can piss people off.

One of the things I have to remember is that most traits have their good and bad points and, when under stress, generally the more negative aspects of a trait come to the fore. One of those that comes most readily to mind is the quips that spew forth regularly when I’m around loved ones.

I was reading an article in which British actor and comedian Ricky Gervais was talking about the Brit’s propensity to “take the piss”. He said “We use irony as liberally as prepositions in every day speech. We tease our friends. We use sarcasm as a shield and a weapon. We avoid sincerity until it’s absolutely necessary. We mercilessly take the piss out of people we like or dislike basically. And ourselves.”

That part is very important. He reckons “Our brashness and swagger is laden with equal portions of self depreciation. This is our license to hand it out. It can be perceived as nasty if the recipients aren’t used to it, but it’s play fighting essentially. It’s almost a sign of affection if we like you, and ego bursting if we don’t.” Of course you have to be able to read the body language, tone, context and facial expressions to know which is which.

One of my all time favourite TV shows was House starring (another great actor and comedian) Hugh Laurie as Dr Gregory House. What I particularly loved was how House’s team would come together to solve medical mysteries. But House’s character was heavily sarcastic, which is a trait I can really relate to from growing up in the West of Scotland.

In one scene, House (talking about a patient) says “He did, however, get hit by a bullet. Just mentioning it.” One of his team, Cameron, responds “He was shot?” To which House inevitably comes back sarcastically with “No. Someone threw a bullet at him.”

As Hanan Parvez says, “Sarcasm is not good or bad, but it’s certainly a passive aggressive form of humour. On the one hand you have to be quick-witted, possesses strong observational skills and figure out how to point to the absurdity/obviousness/redundancy with creativity. It requires social intelligence, courage (since you risk offence each time) and strength of mind.

On the flip side you are making people look like an idiot, and people – like House – who’ve adopted sarcasm as a personality trait often feel contempt towards “the idiots” around them, but are too intelligent to be direct with the aggression.”

I agree with Hanan in that I find the more I trust someone – and vice versa – the more positive deposits are in our emotional bank accounts, and those cancel out any harm the sarcasm might unintentionally inflict. Certainly the Scot in me still enjoys the occasional verbal sparring when someone responds in like, it makes the conversation spicy and entertaining.

Not to mention that scientists have also shown that expressing sarcasm- or receiving sarcasm from trusted others – increases creativity without elevating conflict.

What I find it that, under stress, the sarcasm I use tends to lack the good natured light heartedness it might otherwise. Like anything, I have to be able to observe myself – or at least pick up cues from others – when the intensity is a bit much and needs dialed back.

It can, Hanan says, “in times of low self esteem, be used to boost self worth but it’s at another person’s expense and people don’t forget how you make them feel”.

That is the part that is important to me. As mentioned previously, I liked the challenge Dr Jean Houston sets “To use our words like wands”. I want to create magic not mayhem. So if I see a look of hurt or confusion in someone’s expression as I throw another quip their way, I know without doubt I need to be far more conscious and deliberately positive about what is coming out of my mouth.

Another aspect of my personality that can create moments of me wincing, when I observe it, is my discerning nature. Under stress, discernment can morph into judgment. As Michael Mamas wrote “To overcome being judgemental and to become discerning, you much find balance in yourself”.

It’s like this, I like what I like, and for good reason. It’s taken me a lifetime to figure out the foods that work for me, the most efficient way to hang my clothes on the line and a multitude of other variables that we have choices about in every day life.

Over the last couple of years I’ve lived without any other adult, it’s been the first time in my life that I have had such freedom over everything from décor and furnishings, the time I get up and go to bed each day, through to the way the food is cooked, or dishes stacked.

Then along comes another adult, and the thoughts and appreciation for the bigger things in life – like love and companionship – get put to the test as I start to see myself through their eyes in day to day life. Thankfully it’s not a person who thinks there is a right and wrong way to do things, only a way that works or doesn’t work for each of us.

But it’s entertaining and amazing how the way a vacuum chord is wound can raise questions in my head about how much I want to compromise in my life. How – despite my own beliefs in there not being right or wrong ways for doing things – I want to keep doing them my way. That in itself is fine, but I can see I need to let other people – especially my children – find their own right ways that work for them.

Personal growth comes in all guises, in the good, bad and the ugly. Some days, especially when I think of my own foibles, I think “why would anyone want to be around me?” It’s not always fun to see myself through others’ eyes, but it is helpful. That applies as much to the good as the bad, which can also be difficult to hear and own.

Bizarrely enough, when we essentially hear about all the things we are doing wrong as kids, it’s easy to make ourselves wrong and believe we aren’t good people, worthy of love. This becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy as we grow into adulthood. So recognising and reminding ourselves of our strengths is as important as working on those other things that go haywire and show up as weaknesses under stress.

What are the aspects of your own personality that you can be proud of and which are those that require a bit more attention in order to flourish in the way you’d like? Let’s strive together to use our words like wands so that, rather than rather than creating unintentional mayhem, we create magic in our relationships.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Make Choices That Will Have the Most Positive Impact in Your Life, Reclaim Your Personal Freedoms: The Path to Empowerment Amid Alluring Promises, Leaders Who Walk the Talk and Are Interested in People and Self Empowerment and Is It Time to Break Free of That Holding Pattern You’ve Been In? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 

Each of us is held back in some way by our insecurities and self doubts. We let our limiting beliefs prevent us from pursuing the things that truly matter to us. Yet only through understanding our fears can we overcome them.

I was doing an interesting exercise with Evette Rose this week on boosting my prosperity vibration. She asked what my definition of prosperity is, what I need to hear/feel/know in order to feel prosperous and asked where in my life I already feel prosperous.

That was a lovely reflection as generally I have good health, I experience a lot of love in my life through my children, partner, friends and family, I live in a beautiful environment, I usually have a good balance of time to myself, I have money in the bank and access to healthy food, water and nature.

None of these things came about by accident, the way I currently live began as all things do, with an intention. Then followed the work to bring these things about, which certainly involved recognizing and overcoming many fears.

I’ve learned along the way that nothing is impossible, but if I lapse into pessimism and negativity based on my present or past circumstances, I run the risk of perpetuating more of the things I don’t want.

I’ve learned it’s important to calm my emotions , to remember that things tend to come more easily when I’m in a positive state of being which I miss out on when I’m stuck in a negative perspective.

I’ve learned that it’s better to work with the flow of events rather than against them, and sometimes that means disengaging from conflict with others or my own frustration if my ambitions aren’t playing out smoothly, and focusing on my mental and emotional state of being.

When I say I’ve learned these things, it’s like learning – knowing – that certain foods are good for us and others are toxic even though they may taste oh so good at the time. It’s easy to slip back into bad habits.

And that is exactly what I’d done just last week as I observed myself simmering with frustration about different aspects of my parenting role while on a trip. I had an accumulation of stress from the usual rounds of busy end of year events, intensified with a house move, so I recognised I needed a bit of self compassion and I needed to put a more positive part of my psyche in the driving seat – especially when I felt some heart flutters (I get stress related arrhythmia).

All it took in this instance was some reflection and journaling to reframe my thoughts and I felt like a weight had been lifted. My hearbeat went back to its regular rhythm and I enjoyed the rest of the trip. But when I came home, instead of taking some time for self care, I kept on “doing” and of course ended up with inflammation and congestion – my body’s way of saying “slow down”.

The learning is an ongoing daily process of applying what I’ve come to know when I’ve often tripped up and slipped back into bad habits.

The next area of my life to expand into is my career, and when Evette asked “How do you feel when you picture prosperity?” in relation to this I could immediately feel the fear of the stress associated with my previous career.

There still exists a fear of being overcome with the stress of losing myself. Yet finding me is the very thing I’ve worked towards quite deliberately over the last 9 years. I need faith to continue on my path but it goes hand-in-hand with the knowledge I’ve gained and I’m feeling ready to contribute more to the world around me.

I understand my fears, my body and nervous system in particular has much experience of me pushing through doing lots of things I don’t really want to be doing, particularly in relation to past income. The work I did previously held a certain amount of me that allowed the most authentic parts to shine on occasion, but it was too often overshadowed by parts that really are not me at all.

Yet I know I’m wiser now. Just as I’ve developed more solid boundaries in my personal relationships, the same is true of professional ones. There is zero need for me to expend energy trying to be anything other than exactly who I am, doing exactly what I want to do.

Talking to a cousin yesterday who is at a slightly later stage of life, I realised yet again that  life is too short not to do the things we love. I am passionate about rather a mixed bunch of things, from helping others (who are willing to go deep and want to help themselves) through change and transitions at all stages of life, including those who are dying, through to an avid interest in developing new systems of healthcare and education.

My life experiences have led me to accumulating a lot of knowledge and interest in all those things and I feel life is too short not to just embrace it all and do everything I can do while I can. Yet, at the same time, I recognise my existing commitments as a parent and my absolute desire to continue with that valuable role in my life.

The time feels absolutely right to step forward n some way, and certainly I have no intention of being held by my insecurities and self doubts. In what area of your life is it time to step forwards? Can you recognise some of the limiting beliefs that are preventing you from pursuing the things that truly matter? And are you prepared to devote some time to understanding your fears so you can overcome them?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Here Is How to Recognise and Overcome Your True Fears, How Is Your Ability to Connect With Abundance Right Now?, Are You Getting Distracted From Who You Came to Be This Life? and Let Yourself Fly. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I was reading some articles about dominant themes for 2024, one cited destruction lust as the primary theme. This means to be consumed, even at a subconscious level, with the desire for destruction of that which a person perceives to be against their best interests.

It said that “over the course of history, what you see is that when a society feels frustrated and failed enough by the very society they live in, they tend to elect and/or support a leader that promises to create drastic change and fulfill their destruction lust regarding whatever is causing them that frustration and pain.

And these leaders, who are poised to satisfy this destruction lust, are the very ones who instead bring about negative change motivated by self-interest rather than positive change motivated by actual care for the people.

These leaders exploit and manipulate the people’s pain and subsequent destruction lust for their own personal agendas. Throughout history, people have fallen into this trap again and again because the relief that destruction promises, blinds them to the consequences. And what it often takes to get elected, is the exact opposite of what the people actually need.”

It’s interesting as a recent article in Time Magazine talks about how globally more voters than ever in history will head to the polls in at least 64 countries (plus the European Union), representing a combined population of about 49% of the people in the world that are meant to be holding national elections, the results of which – for many – will prove consequential for years to come. 

In New Zealand we will certainly be seeing the ramifications of the 2020 election in which the Labour Party won a historic victory, being the first party to form a majority government in the MMP era, for many years to come. It is not unsurprising the pendulum swung in the opposite direction last year when the national election then saw the worst defeat of a sitting government since the introduction of the MMP system; with Labour losing almost half their electoral seats in Parliament.

What really struck me, as I was applying some critical thinking to whether and whom to vote for last year, was how the left/right arguments were so dominant and distracting. When plotting where political parties sit on a continuum, there appears little notice or credence to the other axis that represents a continuum between personal power and a nanny state.

After the complete loss of many personal freedoms during Jacinda Arden’s time in power, it was something I personally paid a lot of attention to. As far as I can see, fear drove many of the supporters of her party’s decisions to fall in behind them without critical questions being raised.

When I wrote Is It Time to Break Free of That Holding Pattern You’ve Been In? there was a recommendation to evaluate decisions from the perspective of imagining how we might feel looking back on those decisions after we are dead. And to become as aware as possible of the positive and negative consequences of those decisions before we make them.

In the article about 2024, it was suggested that it will be a pivotal year and decisions will play such a big role that decision making is a contender for the dominant theme.

It says ”When it comes to making decisions this year, each and every one of us must gather all the information possible, without only seeking information that confirms our biases. We must also deeply know our values.”
Knowing my values hasn’t always been easy to articulate. Among things I value most deeply - and believe in vehemently - are human potential and personal empowerment. I like the article’s reminder to share inspiring and heartwarming stories and post beautiful images that remind people of the magic of life on Earth. Human potential may not always be obvious and yet it is always there, ready to be unleashed through the making of intentional choices and purposeful decisions. This, it suggests, is the antidote to the desire for destruction.

I can well believe it. I think one thing we humans all share is a strong desire for freedom of choice. From Mel Gibson’s well known movie battle cry “Freedom!” as William Wallace in the movie Braveheart, through to  Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning, books and movies – fiction and non-fiction – abound with the theme of our human capacity when our freedom is thwarted.

Years ago I commented (in a company I worked for) on how marvelous it would be if we could repurpose every person in our call centres, give them the freedom to bring their own values, talents and gifts to work every day in order to best serve the company’s main goals and aspirations. The response was interesting; it flushed out fears of how people would take advantage and couldn’t be trusted.

Perhaps. I have read about various experiments where people have been given freedoms they had wanted and abused them, but those experiments then show what is only logic – when faced with the natural consequences of their choices (rather than society’s punitive consequences) over the longer term - behaviours changed and people become more responsible and accountable.

I believe in the potential of human beings to achieve great things, to recognise their interconnectedness and act with cumulative effects in mind. I believe good decision making requires people to practice making decisions full stop, we will make bad decisions along the way, but we will learn.

As mentioned, throughout history, people have fallen into the trap again and again of following, electing and/or support a leader that promises to create drastic change and fulfill their destruction lust regarding whatever is causing them that frustration and pain, heedless of the consequences.

These are patterns that we can see when we step back. To be able to do this, I need space and time to think and contemplate. What space and time to contemplate do most people take in today’s world? As we move forward and we are faced with decisions about which leaders to follow and support, especially when they promise drastic change, it will be more vital than ever to be able to step back and really critically examine all of those promises and consequences and not just be blinded be people promising to take away pain points.

So how well can you articulate your own values? Where are the pain points in your own life that could blind you to making good decisions? And where and when can you make regular time in your life for reflection and contemplation so that you are able to maintain a broader perspective?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Leverage the Astonishing Power of Intuition, Flow and Kindness, How to Receive and Be More Confident in Your Needs, Desires and Opinions, Explore Your Limitless Potential, Is It Time to Break Free of That Holding Pattern You’ve Been In? and Life – Will You Take the Easy Way or the Hard Way? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I was listening to a lady recount the day she changed her relationship with money. She had gone to a seminar and watched as a guy took a wad of notes from his wallet and asked them to look at the money that was there. She felt repulsed and began to wonder if this had been a waste of her time and money, she had thought this wasn’t in the least bit spiritual, which is what she had wanted.

But the man challenged her – the whole audience – about the thoughts and feelings that had arisen in them as he had asked them to look at that wad of money he was holding. He asked them to imagine how different those thoughts and feelings would be if – instead of a pile of money – he’d brought out his 5 year old grandson and asked the audience to admire him instead of cash.

He was simply and powerfully pointing to how our inner narrative can repel or attract things.

This spurred on a thought within me about the thoughts, feelings and intentions I hold towards everything I’m doing/focusing on in life – or deliberately ignoring and therefore passively focusing on - in my life. Everything from sharing these musings each week about my personal growth journey, to the swims and walks I take, the parenting role I hold, the various other relationships I have with people, things like my health, money and the roles and purpose I have in life.

It led to a bit of a shake up about where my time and attention are focused and the intentions I hold towards these things. I wondered that I had not really revisited my intent towards these things in quite some time, life got busy and I got distracted. I find there is never a better time than when something creeps into my awareness and wants to be seen to address it. To ignore it is to stagnate really.

I also took the time to really look back at this time last year and where I stand in relation to all these things in my life today. I recalled the course I was doing at the time on psychological and neurological attachment patterns, and Briana MacWilliam’s words came to mind:

“When we are in the throes of attachment hunger, we don’t prioritise compatibility of values and beliefs because they don’t feel so immediate to our existential survival, but they are of course vital to the long term success of any relationship... Once you (get clear on your own priorities and) clean up your communications, you might realise a lot of what has held important relationships together was an attachment narrative trying to relive and revise an old wound. Once you tend that wound you realise that was the purpose of the whole relationship and you can lovingly let it go.”

This speaks to a huge part of the personal growth journey I’ve been on in recent years, and I felt quite gratified as I looked back on the work I was doing a year ago and seeing how far I’d come. I feel far more grounded within myself, there is far more spaciousness around my thoughts and my closest relationships are now far more compatible with aligned values, beliefs and aspirations.

I thought about my intentions in that regards and vowed to continue the good work, determined to role model healthy behaviours for my kids. Taking stock also increased my gratitude for the people in my life, and my confidence that I’m now attracting more harmonious relationships, which had been a goal of mine for a long time.

I've been on a huge growth journey both mentally, emotionally and spiritually since leaving the corporate world in 2014, and have continued publishing my life lessons weekly. That now amounts to rather a large body of work (of almost 500 articles) and I thought about how my personal growth has started shifting lately more from personal empowerment (which has been the theme of the vast majority of what I’ve written) to life purpose.

I will probably continue with a few coaching spots I would also like to work on some think tanks around the creation of new healthcare and education systems. I enjoy working with people in every transition of life, even death is one I've been called to walk with people on these last few years in some rather beautiful experiences.

I'm creating and contemplating in my imagination the possibilities for expansion, and the creative clay with which I'm presenting myself to the world – my website – will no doubt evolve to reflect the vibrational beacon of who I am and what I offer: authenticity.

There is also the other intention I have been cultivating recently, which is a desire to become more relaxed in my body more of the time. Some questions I read this week from Brad Spencer, that help with this thinking are: “What brings you joy? Should you be content? When was the last time you felt completely at ease? Why? Are you able to follow your passion/s?”

Again, I’ve travelled a long way on this one, especially as my relationships have become more harmonious, but I’ve yet to apply these same principles to career expansion, so I’m both excited and somewhat terrified at the prospect, but I trust that my intentions are healthy and I’ll be fine.

What about you, how might your awareness of your intentions influence the way you approach your relationships, career, health, finances and personal growth moving forwards?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Leverage the Astonishing Power of Intuition, Flow and Kindness, How to Receive and Be More Confident in Your Needs, Desires and Opinions, Explore Your Limitless Potential, Is It Time to Break Free of That Holding Pattern You’ve Been In? and Life – Will You Take the Easy Way or the Hard Way? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.