A couple of months back my life was sent into a tailspin and I knew that in order to level out and keep moving forwards I had to deliberately focus on things that were going to help rather than hinder me. This is really no different than everyday life, but when something dramatically different happens it’s a lot easier to notice the dynamics at play because they are more exaggerated.

When I saw renowned author, coach and speaker Tony Robbins being interviewed last week, he described this really well.  “Whether we feel pain or love depends on three things: our state, our story and our strategy”:

• State is about my focus
• Story is about the meanings I attach to things
• Strategy is about the action I take

He makes the point that these are all decisions, things that we can control, but we each tend towards patterns which can be helpful or unhelpful. When asked which of the three would give the best returns, while acknowledging all three are interconnected and changing any one will change the other two, his choice would be changing our state of being, our focus.

“People have habitual patterns of focus. For example, do you look at what you have or what’s missing? Do you look at what you can, or can’t, control? Do you focus mainly on the past, the present or the future? Clearly when you focus on what you have, what you can control and the present those are more empowering choices than the alternatives.”

That is his key point, that we each have choices. I may have subconscious patterns, but as Tony says:
“Inside of you, there are parts of you that are incredibly gracious and generous, but there is also a part that is selfish. We all have loving parts and not so loving parts, playful parts and boring parts, courageous parts and fearful parts”.

Then he said poignantly:

“The real question is not Who are you?

The real question is Which part of you is in charge right now?”

In fact, Tony firmly believes he doesn’t change people; he just gets them to put another part of themselves in charge.

So as I was facing the end of my relationship, I knew I had to be careful about which parts of myself I put in charge. Especially since an issue I’d been contemplating for a long time, re-establishing my career, suddenly became more urgent.

What I’m here to do has been a nagging question in my life for as long as I can remember. In school and going to university, choosing which subjects to study, starting my career and looking for jobs, I just couldn’t see anything that felt like the right fit.

I distinctly remember when I immigrated to New Zealand in 2006, it was the year I saw the movie The Secret which helped me awaken to the power I had within me to change my life, but I still had no clue what I was meant to be doing with my life. All I knew was that I wanted to start a family and time was ticking.

So I made the best decision I could at that point and took a job which – while it didn’t light me up in the way I wanted – gave me some security while I set up home with my now ex-partner, and we started a family.

Having finally got the family I so desired, I found that juggling that and my work life was too much, and left the field of corporate change and transformation six years ago to take a more hands-on role with my kids. Bringing up my kids (with a strong desire for them to be an authentic expression of their best self), has proven to be a personal development bootcamp for me.

As Lisa Marchiano puts it “You’re going to project your stuff on your kids. There is no way that you are going to get through any amount of time with your children and not meet those parts of yourself you cut off and sent backstage”. So as I’ve undertaken the journey to me, this question of “what comes next?” has been ever present.

There is no doubt I’ve become extremely passionate about helping others undertake their own journey. Uncovering why I subconsciously chose certain patterns of state, story and strategy – and learning to make different choices – has been revolutionary for me.

As people have contacted me over the years to ask for my advice, I realised that helping others uncover their own blocks and make positive shifts in their lives would be really fulfilling. The question on my mind has been, how? Then last year someone said to me they could see hypnosis being a good healing modality for me to learn.

I wasn’t entirely convinced about the idea of practicing hypnosis. My connotation with it goes back to some sessions I had in my early twenties. I remember the lady having a falsely soothing voice, and I can recall falling asleep during the sessions; I didn’t consider them effective.

Then, when my attention was so abruptly returned to  this notion of “what next” in my career a couple of months ago, I knew it was a pivotal point that could see me sucked back down that same old corporate road if I didn’t choose a more self loving focus.  

There are a lot of feelings to process at the ending of a relationship, I couldn’t just shove them down and soldier on regardless. So I set to work in the same way I have over the last few years as I’ve processed grief from my childhood, grief from my mother passing and uncovering the patterns of beliefs and behaviours that no longer serve my highest interests.

I knew when it came to money, I had to go wider and focus more generally on abundance and its associated energies of love, compassion, joy, connection, adventure, play, laughter, invention and imagination as I wrote about in How Is Your Ability to Connect With Abundance Right Now?

Then, this week as I looked at a Diploma in Clinical Hypnosis with renewed interest, things finally clicked into place.

On my own journey to me, as I’ve so often written about, I’ve used various techniques to uncover and heal the emotional traumas that had remained stuck within me, long after the mental, physical, emotional events that had caused the trauma had ceased to be an issue.

It suddenly occurred to me that the common factor in the various techniques I use is this act of what I call going within which involves quieting the thinking mind and going into a state of deep relaxation where it feels safe to explore past issues, in other words, what I use is self hypnosis. It was a light bulb moment!

I’d gotten stuck with a story in my head about what hypnosis was, and – while acknowledging it as a powerful modality - was not completely aligned with the idea of using it to help others until I realised it is actually my own go-to medium all along. It’s no wonder someone suggested it to me as modality to use to help others.

As Tony said, change my state, story or strategy and the results start to change, everything has lined up.

I can see now why for so much of my life I just couldn’t see what I was meant to be doing; I was lined up with problem rather than the solution. And because I can see that is so normal in our world, and that there is a growing desire for change, this presents a huge opportunity to help others who are seeking that change in themselves.

It seems fortuitous that with the launch of We Rise Up (which I suspect will become another movie of its moment), the focus has moved in the last fifteen years from using personal empowerment for personal success to a redefining of what success looks like - creating new models and structures in society that work for all people, creatures and the planet.

Where in your life are you lined up with the problem rather than the solution? What parts of you are in the driving seat? Let’s find the most loving, courageous and compassionate parts of you and put them in charge of defining and driving success in your life and watch your deepest yearnings finally be fulfilled.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Normal Is Dysfunctional That Is the Growth Opportunity, Reclaim the Sweet Spot of Being in Your Element, What If The Thing You Dread Is Actually Your Dreams Trying to Unfold? Clear the Fog of Trauma to See the Magnificence of Your Being, and What’s Your Relationship with Money? … And a simple technique to improve it. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I’ve been pondering this expression about being in my element. It’s something I would explain as a joyous state of being, and would describe someone in this way when I can see they are totally immersed in the moment and at peace with themselves, a real sweet spot to be in.

When reading a book with my kids about a club of young teenagers who always end up investigating and solving local mysteries, the main character was reflecting on her gymnastics class in this way. She had been nervous about her estranged father coming to watch her but got so caught up in the class that she forgot all about him being there until the end.

She observed that each of her friends had different things they were drawn to or did that they got totally immersed in and enjoyed to the same effect.

Being in my element is something I aspire to, but it’s also something I’m aware I’m not a lot of the time. When I am in that state of being, not only does it feel really energising and joyful, I hear myself better and all sorts of wonderfully wise insights op into my head. When I’m not in my element I usually find I’m worrying, planning or otherwise distracted.

I heard an excellent insight into these different aspects of myself when listening to Teal Swan talk about insomnia, she said:

“When you are living your waking life, you have two points of perspective.  You are your eternal self-essence, which many call the soul.  And you are also your temporal human self that you call by your name.  Your level of comfort in this life emotionally is all about the vibrational difference between these two perspectives.  The farther the vibrational difference is between these two perspectives, the less energy is actually available to your physical embodiment”. 

Interestingly, she said “In the moment of sleep, unconsciously your two points of perspective join so there is no vibrational difference between them.  There is no tug of war going on between them and thus, immediately, more energy is available to your physical body.  Most people experience sleep as refreshing because of that fact.  Technically, a person would not need to sleep if they could find a way to consciously prevent their two perspectives from splitting while they are awake.  This is why many yogis and meditation masters do not need sleep.  Alas, most people are not capable of that in waking life, so we experience a need for sleep.”

In essence then, I understand that when I can align these two perspectives I’m in my element. And I’ve been very aware of many messages this week prompting me to do just that. 

I’ve been following the We Rise Up online summit, which appealed to me after I watched a couple of short introductory videos with Tony Robbins and Alanis Morissette talking, and as Alberto Villoldo’s The Four Winds organisation seems to be the organiser, it felt like it could be an interesting mix of perspectives.

Tony was talking about self love and how to hard in this fear climate it can be for people to connect to our unique selves. He talked about immersing yourself in the experiences you want, since a belief is a poor substitute for an experience, so spending time with people who are connected to love, and doing acts of love to attract that.

Teal has been talking to this lately too. She says “The opposite of fear is love, so we cannot fear and love at the same time”. She suggests focusing on someone else’s problems out of love as an anecdote to fear, and says laughter is an expression of love and therefore also an anecdote to fear or even just appreciating the smell of coffee or flowers is an anecdote to fear.

Most critically she astutely pointed out “And in the absence of fear our world opens up to new possibilities; possibilities that did not exist while we were in the vibration of fear”.

She talks about taking ownership to love people, places and things as a part of ourselves. Encouraging me to think of myself as a steward since all the things I call mine will be left behind when I die anyway.

Not having huge chunks of time to be able to watch all the speakers in the We Rise Up Summit, I’ve been listening to short snippets of each once the kids are asleep, and finding the speakers I resonate with the most. It’s been great for discovering people I hadn’t come across before.

What I am finding is I’m feeling very drawn to those speakers who seem completely in their element while sharing their stories and experiences. On day one I was enthralled with Kyle Cease who exudes a kind of bizarre combination of easy going energy alongside being completely excited about life and how to get the best of it. He said, rather perceptively, “When you listen to your heart, your mind gets scared because it can only see what you’ll lose, it can’t see what you’ll gain”.

On day two I discovered Miki Agrawal and was captivated by her energy which again was this strange mix of comfortable in her own skin alongside an athlete’s energy of “let’s get out there and do this thing”.  And I was interested in her story of how she brought the period underwear concept to fruition, and her views on feminism.

I also listened to a podcast with Briana Saussy about The Sacred Arts and Raising a Star Child which was interesting especially since she talked about the elements of Capricorn in one of her stories, which is the sign I was born under. But what was I particularly struck with was her coining the phrase sacred arts to describe with appropriate reverence the ancient wisdom traditions that have too often been sidelined as woo woo and nonsense in the last couple of centuries.

Which takes me to another little corner of my life that I’ve been able to delve into a bit, a book about The Five Elements by Dondi Dahlin. I’d been relishing the thought of reading of this since I heard Donna Eden (Dondi’s mother) talk about how she had seen these five elements alive in people’s energy fields long before she had understood the ancient Chinese system.

Chinese physicians and scholars theorised that he universe is composed of forces represented by water, wood, fire, earth and metal. They proposed that human behaviour, emotions and health are influenced by these elements and people’s personalities can be distinguished by them.  

Having learned a myriad of systems to understand human behaviour over the last few decades, it’s fair to say I’m a bit over trying to dissect and categorise simplistically (or in the case of some of these archetypal systems not so simplistically), recognising what a unique cocktail each and every one of us are.  

However, I have enormous respect for Donna Eden’s capabilities to see energy flowing in and around people, creatures and things. There’s nothing I would love more than to have this type of vision for something I feel but mostly cannot see.

The exception to this is when the aforementioned two perspectives – the eternal self-essence and the temporal human self – are aligned and I’m in my element. If I set the intention I get glimpses of colour and movement in an extremely subtle and somewhat vague way, but it’s nowhere near the level of depth and clarity with which Donna sees.

So I was eager when the book finally arrived to see what new wisdom it would impart. I’m only part way through reading about the water element so far, but boy do I recognise a lot of myself in there:
“The rhythm of waters is slower paced than others; they need space and time to resonate with their own rhythm.”

“Doesn’t want to waste time talking about silly stuff or watching things on TV that don’t seem to have much meaning”

“Would rather not talk at all than make small talk. But share something meaningful, sincere and earnest and let her dive deep into your words so she can discover something new and you’ll have a friend for life.”

“Waters can get stuck in fear and limitations... If a Water person is fearful of stepping forwards as her best self, you can help her by simplifying the steps she needs to take and reminding her when she forgets.”

And I recognised in this all the messages life had been delivering to me about consciously making an effort to focus on love and not fear.

In fact, in her latest communications around powerlessness, Teal Swan hit the nail on the head with “When you’re the kind of person who is prone to worry, you try to prevent pain by trying to figure out everything in advance. But the problem with that is you can’t see most of the things that will be available to you at the future time you are worried about”.

And there can be a lot to get worried about. From the big stuff (overpopulation, pandemic disease, refugeeism and climate change) that I talked about in Why the Integration of Feelings and Logic Will Save the Human Race, to the active micro trauma I experience in day to day living, summarised in Your Childhood Is Not Your Fault but It Is Your Responsibility.

In all of it, the thing I have control over is how I show up each and every moment of each and every day. My presence, my awareness, my attitude and my reactions determine whether I am in my element or I’m spiralling, triggered into trauma states.

So this idea of being in or out of my element has taken on new depth this week as I have actively sought to focus on being more present, more active in loving gestures and actions and more grateful for the things in my life that are going well, big and small.  I notice when I do this, life flows more easily and feels less heavy. I also have more to give others.

Now, more than ever, seems the time to focus on being in our element as much of our time as possible, whatever that means for each of us. Each moment of alignment with the love that we are radiates that out into our world; a world full of people, creatures and things that flourish with each kindness, each triumph and moments of unrestrained laughter, feeling seen, feeling a sense of belonging and ease to name just a few of the outpourings from the over-spilling cup you are when in your element.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Your Soul Wants You to Soar, Let Yourself Fly, How Is Your Ability to Connect With Abundance Right Now? Empower Yourself - When a Difficult Reaction Sends You Into a Tailspin, Take Heart - It Takes Courage and Tenacity to Step Into Your Power, Are You Yearning to Be Accepted for the Truly Strange Person You Are? and Overcome the Greatest Human Fear – Be the True You. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

This week I have been clearing through boxes and boxes of old paperwork and sentimental things I’d had stored in the attic for – in some cases - decades. It’s been a journey that has been cathartic and very insightful.

It’s obvious to me that some of the criteria I had previously used in deciding whether to keep things related to the time and energy I had spent on them. Some of it was good energy, some not. Too much of the piles of things “I might need at some point” were about defending positions, decisions or actions should they ever be revisited, a real echo of the defensive child part of me within.  

While I haven’t watched or read a huge amount of Marie Kondō, I certainly heard her famous phrase ringing in my ears “Does this give me a spark of joy?”

This physical task and these physical boxes seem to me a good metaphor for all my life’s baggage, and the ways in which I’d been unintentionally buying into scarcity – a lack of faith in my right to make my own decisions and have my own opinions, that I’m not worthy somehow, that it’s not safe to let go of the defenses I’ve built around me to name a few.

When I hear the word abundance my mind automatically takes me to thoughts about money. And while money is certainly an indicator, I’ve had quite a few reminders lately that how money flows to and from me is just one part of a much bigger – and more meaningful – field of energy.

Rha Goddess, in her audio programme Making Money, Making Change, subtitled Build Your Business, Make a Profit and Serve the World, talks about the economies of Love, Truth and We. About a new level of generosity that is sourced from something different than obligation and pressure. She also cites the existing Economy of Scarcity “which invites this obligatory giving as a way to prove you’re a good person; which is painful”. I can attest to that.

For Rha it’s about how we attract, how we earn and how we spend.  She sees the opportunity to do that in ways that actually forward and further more love, generosity and communal wealth. Her priority is to contribute to economies that are life-giving, where people can thrive and prosper; economies that carry dignity, honour and respect at their centre.

“In the Economy of Love” Rha says, “I’m tapped into a more prosperous supply. When I’m giving from that place – a well sourced and well resourced place – I can be more generous. The giving contributes to my expansion as opposed to my contraction”.

“In the Economy of Truth, I’m accountable and responsible for the choices and decisions I make and the impact they have on me and others. I’m willing to see where I’m a part of the solution and where I’m part of the problem. I’m willing to be actively engaged around moving to places that enable me to be more a part of the solution than a part of the problem.”

“In the Economy of We, it’s a story of us. It’s the fact that we are not on an island unto ourselves. We have seven billion neighbours that we share space, air, water and energy with. How do we do this together so I’m not dominating, obliterating or subjugating you? How do I expand you? How do I contribute to you? How do I uplift you? How do we work in ways that make the pipe bigger and the world better, which we have all had a hand in and an active role to play?”

I love this way of looking at my life and the world I live in, it provides a compass for my personal and work existence. I can see clearly the areas where I’ve been acting out of obligation and in accordance with unhelpful beliefs that no longer serve me. I’ve been doing the work to build my self esteem and healthier boundaries and will continue to do so.

Dr Sue Morter agrees true abundance reveals itself through love, compassion, joy, connection, adventure, play, laughter, invention and imagination. She encourages her clients to reconnect with the memories of abundance in their life in order to stir up and reactivate those more positive and potent energies within.

Rha, who is a sought-after entrepreneurial soul couch, also recognises that people hold core beliefs that hold them back from abundance. Beliefs such as:

1. There is not enough to go around
2. I am not worthy, I don’t deserve it
3. It’s not safe for me to stand out
4. I am afraid of what it’s going to take, what am I going to have to trade?
5. I might become corrupted or changed or compromised
6. The moral dilemma of capitalism generally

In a podcast Making Money, Making Change, she talks about healing our relationship with capitalism by separating the culture of capitalism from the principles of economy. She also talks about healing the original experiences that created the other dysfunctional beliefs.

I read a clear example, written by Heather Shumaker, author of It’s OK not to share…And Other Renegade Rules for Raising Competent and Compassionate Kids, of how these types of beliefs come about and where we typically constrain abundance in our society. She says:

“I’m all for cultivating generosity in our kids. It’s our job to help our children deepen their care and awareness of others. But the way we generally approach sharing backfires…

Here’s a typical scenario involving preschoolers: One child is busily engaged with a toy when a new child comes up and wants it. A nearby adult says “Be nice and share your toys” or “Give Ella the pony. You’ve had it a long time”.

What happens? The child is forced to give something up and her play is interrupted. She learns that sharing feels bad. It’s the parent here who’s sharing, not the child.

Traditional sharing expects young kids to give up something the instant someone else demands it. Instead of you saying “Five more minutes and then its Ella’s turn” teach your kids to say “You can have it when I’m done”.

This teaches positive assertiveness. It helps kids stand up for themselves and learn to set boundaries with other kids. What a terrific life skill. How many of us adults have trouble saying “no”? The best part of all is when the first child willingly hands over the toy it’s a joyous moment for both kids. That’s the moment when your child experiences the rush of good feelings that comes from being kind to others. It’s true generosity.”

So, as I see it, there is this idea that the person we arrived as gets sort of parked, frozen, and layer upon layer of self limiting beliefs are added that we adopt in order to be accepted within our family, and our society.

But as Rha Goddess says “The question is, are those beliefs what you want to believe? As you sit in that belief, does it empower you?” And, most importantly “Would you be open to an upgrade (of these beliefs)?

Not to suggest that changing our beliefs is easy, but it can be done with awareness, practice and persistence.  Dr Morter believes “Those ideas of inadequacy and insufficiency were part of the plan, that you would then conquer them, rise above them, and remember the masterful being of abundance that you truly are”.

Rha asks “In your time to think (over the last eighteen months), have you recognised that you do have power? Have you recognised that there are things that are important to you? Have you recognised that you do matter? That the choices you make matter, that the decisions you operate from matter?”

And she continues…”That the things that have happened to you matter, and that it all shapes the way in which we see ourselves and the degree to which we believe anything is possible or not possible in our reality? Step one is to consider the possibility that you can actually do something about it. But if you really want to change the game, you must embrace the fact that you’re a creator.”

I also like Dr Sue Morter’s audio meditation on money miracles with Marci Shimoff, which is worth a listen. I enjoy bringing memories of abundance back into my awareness, memories of playing as a child out in the street where we lived, for example, where I was free to connect, laugh and imagine as I was climbing the street lights to cross over garage rooftops and find new hiding places.

It always resonates with me when Dr Morter then says in her lovely mellow voice:
“This life is mine; I am generating this entire experience so that I might fully reveal in my own true abundance. I reveal as love, compassion and joy. I reveal as connection and adventure, I reveal knowing that all I need is right here and will rise up to meet me the moment I engage, that everything is in my favour. This is the world of abundance.”

Is it time for you to clear out some of those old boxes of beliefs stored in the attic of your mind and create space for some new beliefs that serve you with abundance?

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Clear the Fog of Trauma to See the Magnificence of Your Being, What’s Your Relationship with Money? … And a simple technique to improve it, Put Money in its Place, Autonomy – Break Free of Money Fears and How Dead Does the Horse Need to Be to Want to Get Off? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

With all the parenting advice I’ve read and heard, which has a wealth of information about understanding the different developments stages and what is needed at each, and how to manage my kids undesirable behaviour, there seems to be one huge piece missing and that is about how to manage myself.

No one forewarned me that, as Lisa Marchiano puts it “You’re going to project your stuff on your kids. There is no way that you are going to get through any amount of time with your children and not meet those parts of yourself you cut off and sent backstage (the aspects of yourself that are unconscious but we see in others, our blind spots)”. It just brings up so much discomfort and pain.

The inherited patterns of behaviour in parents that children react to, and unwittingly develop patterns in response to, are essential for survival in childhood but become unhealthy patterns later in life; and will certainly get passed on unless the cycle is broken.

The best description I’ve seen of these is in James Redfield’s The Celestine Prophecy, he describes four archetypes (on a scale of aggressive to passive) that are “control strategies we each develop in order to stop others’ draining our energy”. I summarised these more in Normal Is Dysfunctional - That Is the Growth Opportunity.

The thing is, normal developmental trauma arises from normal parenting and remains largely unseen precisely because it is deemed normal. Yet it creates power struggles and destruction; it creates disease, chronic pain and illness; and it stunts individual and collective abilities to address systemic issues within relationships and society.

That is the ultimate challenge of parenthood, the ultimate responsibility, to recognise and break the cycles of dysfunction that are still very much alive.

Amy McCready of Positive Parenting Solutions says “Children have two major needs: attention and power. And if they are not getting positive attention and positive opportunities to make their own choices they will settle for negative attention and ways to gain a feeling of personal power”.

Not only that, the lack of positive attention or opportunity to express personal needs and desires is precisely what leads to the kind of dysfunction that is prevalent in society today.

Yet we live in a society of distraction – parents distracted by devices and responsibilities. Not to mention the pass-the-parcel of before/after school care, split families/housing.  Men and women, whether parents or not, really struggle in relationships today with break ups rates higher than ever before. Where in all of that, I wonder, are we allowing for and compelling attention on our kids’ development?

Relationship expert Terry Real says that the traditional walls for men and women in a patriarchal culture are changing, but are far from changed – and those traditional walls preclude intimacy.  As Raine Eisler said “It’s an old fashioned word, but patriarchy really means dominion (power over) instead of power with.”

I was sent one of Constance Hall’s blog post’s this week that demonstrates how patriarchy is still very active and it really resonated for me. Her main point was that every consenting partnership should consist of two adults whose working hours are equal regardless of whether they are paid or unpaid work.

The original has a sort of angry rant feel to it, yet she makes some really good points, so here is a version with the emotional charge toned down a bit:

“The thing about not doing your share of house work or child rearing is that is more insidious than a simple “I can’t be bothered”; domestic responsibilities do not disappear.

Children do not raise themselves. Housework doesn’t do itself.
 
Every time you sit on the toilet, eat food from a clean plate, watch on with pride while your fed, educated children smile, it’s because someone has put in effort for you to receive that privilege. And if it wasn’t you, it was someone doing your share.

Remember that expecting someone else to do your workload is oppressive. It’s saying “you can have equal rights only when you’ve met the basic needs of others”.

Support each other because domestic duties are about so much more than clean sheets, it’s about respect and showing your kids what is and what isn’t a healthy way to care for themselves.”

I think that is a great message, but there is another side to it, which is the person who allows that to happen. I know because I am one of those people who has too often taken more than my fair share of responsibility and felt overwhelmed and overburdened and then resented the heck out of it.

This represents a typical narcissistic/codependent relationship, which is also typical of the type of normal dysfunction I refer to earlier in the piece. Trauma expert Pete Walker describes this as the most common relational hybrid. Terry Real describes the same blueprint as grandiosity versus inferiority/shame-based and is the most prevalent pattern he sees in relationships also.

“While women can show up as narcissistic”, he says “it is more common for men to be this way”.

Terry’s view is that we don’t value relational skills in a patriarchal culture. He goes on to say “We code relationship as feminine and we do to intimacy what we do to many things feminine: we idealise it in principle and we devalue it in fact”.

I know this reality well. Having worked since I was fifteen, first through school and university and then in a corporate career, I know what working long hours and having high levels of responsibility looks like.  What I didn’t know was what motherhood looked like.

At first I saw my corporate career as a welcome temporary escape from the monotony of those early childrearing years, but then it became clear that regardless of how I felt (which with a baby and toddler was starting to look more like burnout), my children needed me at home.

There was a piece I wrote describing a typical night after getting home from work, and one day I will publish it, because it heralded the start of this journey to me, but for now I’ll just share my concluding thoughts that night:

I know it’s too much. I know my child is telling me this. Yes, as exhausted as I am, as distracted by work, the long arduous and unfulfilling hours of work, it’s time. Time to uncover what the heart and soul desire, for all of us.

Six months on from that I published my first blog and have done so ever week since, recording the deliberate journey to a more authentic me, which included balking and rallying against this idea of my own feminine nature and role as a mother.

I was raised in an era where I was brought up to believe that women can do anything men do. But as a friend of mine said beautifully “that overlooks the essence of the feminine, the need to find her own rhythm and inner desires in her own time and in her own reflection”.

We had been having a discussion about the government’s financial support for parents with low income. I find it infuriating that - on one hand - our law (through Property Relationship law) recognizes that a stay-at-home parent is equal to a full time job, yet the government will not support a stay at home parent of school age kids unless they are at least in part time work.

When I recently tracked how many hours of my week are dedicated to childcare and domestic duties, it was seventy hours on a typical school week and ninety on a non school week. Bear in mind school weeks typically only represent 180 days (allowing for ten days where at least one child is sick), how many employers are happy with employees only working half the year?

Recognising that encouragement of women into the workforce was an attempt to stop the judgements of not only solo mothers but women in jobs, it was however done in the context of patriarchal structures.

Quite aside of keeping the toilets clean and putting food on the table, the job as taxi driver, chief attention giver, boundary holder and referee, the role and responsibility of a parent can be all consuming.

One night when my kids’ father and I were talking, our youngest daughter came into the room and asked for my help with something. I thought then that this is precisely what being a mum looks like, constantly being interrupted and on duty. And those interruptions can range from an innocuous “how do I spell...?” through to world-war-three erupting in the lounge.

In fact, I find distraction my biggest challenge in parenting. If I am distracted, there is no connection, and the constant pull on my attention triggers responses that are less than optimal for my kids.

As the primary caregiver, my attention being on the kids is just a part of the job when they are around, from the minute they wake up to the minute they go to sleep. Adapting that attention as they grow to help them towards independence is also part of the job, but that’s on a continuum; in development terms though kids are in their teens before they can healthily handle longer periods of more independence.

So while going to work as soon as kids are in school is encouraged, to me it’s not okay to be required to work on top of the typical seventy hours of attention required on the home and kids in order to receive financial help. 

Before the world of COVID19 restrictions we had been on a family holiday in Hawaii. In conversation with the retail assistants, hotel staff and restaurant workers, it became clear that working two jobs to support their families was necessary, and this was women who had partners who also worked.

What kind of quality parenting can people give in these scenarios?

Terry Real is quick to point out that both men and women are knocked out of real intimacy and connection with themselves and others from childhood. Citing the work of Jean Baker Miller and Carol Gilligan at the Stone Centre, he says:

• “Young women are knocked out of real, honest connection at the edge of womanhood. They stop telling the truth and instead they move into – as Carol Gilligan puts it - “the tyranny of the nice and kind”; they lose their voice. It’s changing but it still needs a lot of work”. And
• “Boys are knocked out of authentic connection much younger, by the time they enter kindergarten they’ve already internalised the code to be invulnerable. What research tells us is they are no less emotional or sensitive than girls at that age but they’re less expressive. They’ve learned to keep their mouths shut, to wall it off”.

The problem is, as author, research professor and social expert Brené Brown has taught us, we connect through vulnerability. Terry believes that “While Millennial’s (thankfully) are different, the rest of us are still suffering under the old codes. Leading men and women into real intimacy is synonymous with leading men out of patriarchy.”

In Why the Integration of Feelings and Logic Will Save the Human Race I quote Teal Swan as saying “The restoration of balance within the human race is not about decreasing masculine power while increasing feminine power...it is about both rising to power simultaneously”.

I particularly like the short article from psychologist Shari Derkson that explains the aspects of masculine and feminine and what integrating them within ourselves might look like.

She says “There is a movement towards inviting more feminine aspects into our lives, states of being, rather than doing; such as through stillness, meditation and tapping into our intuition and creative processes. Equally, it is important for both male and females to develop the more masculine qualities of rational and logical ability, clear non-attached thought and problem solving etc.”

James French, who works with rescue animals and cultivated The Trust Technique, demonstrates through his work how lack of connection in humans (and propensity towards dominion or power over instead of power with) shows up just the same in animals as it does in children.  

James says "Any animal displaying fear, aggression, anxiety etc is a sign of an over-thinking state, but when brought into a peaceful state you can connect through more positive imagining/feeling states instead”.  

What I love is his observation that sensitivity in animals or people doesn’t change, it just transforms from positive sensitivity (the feelings of connection, joy, love) to negative sensitivity (the feelings of fear, shame, guilt). This could equally be applied to children.

“As a child”, as Dr Gabor Maté explains, “we are born feeling our connection to our parents and we are reliant on them for survival. Being rejected by them in any way, big or small, is devastating. So when we are rejected, we have a choice, to reject them or reject ourselves (or more likely parts of ourselves). But we can’t reject them as our survival depends upon them.”

Luckily the skills needed for connection with children, and with each other, are skills that can be learned. Terry Real makes the point “There’s skills in learning to connect to yourself and others. There’s skill in learning to love yourself. There’s a skill in learning good boundaries. And there are skills in learning how to stand up for yourself with love and respond with generosity instead of defensiveness.”

Changing the way we see parenting is pivotal, but that requires first a change in who we are as individuals. To begin to recognise our dysfunctional stances and structures and perhaps to look at them through more integrated eyes that include more of the aspects of our true nature without the walls we have erected around us in response to our own childhoods.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Clear the Fog of Trauma to See the Magnificence of Your Being, How Dead Does the Horse Need to Be to Want to Get Off?,  Womanhood: A Story of Our Time and Embracing the Feminine within All of Us. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.