My dad and I have been watching the Star Wars movies in chronological order this week. What I love about it is the focus on “The Force” which, to me, is a fairly accurate representation of how all life is created, how things manifest and how it is all connected.

It makes me chuckle that so many of the characters in the movie (and people watching it) think of it The Force as a fictional or imaginary thing only.

What I also love about the movies is that the battles never seem truly over. It’s a great reminder that – on this physical plane – we are never really done. Good never truly “wins” over bad because they are two sides of the same coin, which is continually flipping over and over; where one story ends another begins.

With each spin of the coin, each new chapter, each new book, perhaps we learn more. However, as I learn more, I also discover that what I don’t know becomes clearer, vaster, and it seems infinite. Feeling into “the force”/my intuition/centre of peace/heart centre/divine consciousness perhaps, seems to me a very sensible way to navigate life.

Regardless of what one believes, when meditating and contemplating from a point of stillness, it is quite simply far easier to reach good, solid decisions than it is when I act in anger, fear or resentment, or some other form of unhelpful emotion.

So much of life is reflected to us in movies, good and bad. The weather here in New Zealand has been so bad this week that another movie we watched was the new one starring Tom Hanks, A Man Called Otto, which was an excellent portrayal of the good and bad in ordinary life.

One octogenarian’s review I thought was rather poignant “I can be a curmudgeon, not an intentional one but one worn down by constant change and a slipping away of one’s past. Life’s successes and tragedies form us all if we make the distance and Tom Hanks showed how a once young man in love can change into an Otto today”.

I really resonated with his comment that “the drab setting and snow were brightened by the one thing we are all craving – kindness”.

Yes I see, hear and sense meaning in everything. Some people say I over analyse, but I am happy to trust that I will probably never know the vast majority of meanings. Life has presented me with enough information though, many times over, to know that the things that eventually come together in my life are most often a series of unexplained, unpredicted chain of events that leads me to trust in following my intuition, major or minor.

Just today I was driving to a garden centre and, as I passed by another one on the way, I felt an intuitive tug towards it but carried on with my original plan as the one I was passing is often really busy. A few miles down the road I hit traffic and, after the queue not moving for some time, turned around and went back to the one I had passed.

Because it was so rainy, the place was actually pretty empty, so we ate a delicious lunch (the cafe had a much better variety of food than the one we had been heading for) and I got the two houseplants I was after with ease (after thinking the other garden centre would be better stocked).

I could have sat there in that queue of traffic for another ten minutes, or longer, but instead I decided to go with the flow, and follow my intuition back to the other garden centre; and I’m really glad I did. I know it’s a benign example, but there are so many of these in every day.

I suspect there are many examples of where we talk ourselves into things or out of things, which start to then become harder and harder because they are bucking our flow. Like Tom Hanks as Otto trying to commit suicide three times, each attempt foiled by unsuspecting neighbours who give him an opportunity to live his last weeks/months on Earth embracing life and feeling more completion, in the bosom of kind neighbours and warm friendships, before naturally passing on.

In particular, his neighbour Marisol makes a huge impression on him. In a life where he sees so many things are “idiotic” and so many people acting like “idiots”, Marisol is persistent, relentlessly kind and unexpectedly emotionally honest, forcing him to take a hard look at how he is acting.

I can’t help but feel we make life hard for ourselves by so often “trying to do the right thing” rather than feeling into what is right for us in that moment. More and more I embrace the saying my gran repeated many times “what’s for you won’t go by you”, more and more I trust in that Force, flow and serendipitous moments.

Where in your life can you see examples of this? What are your intuitive nudges telling you? Is it time to leverage the astonishing power of your intuition, flow and kindness (towards yourself as much as others)? May we all be a Marisol and have a Marisol in our lives, and may The Force be felt by all.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy You Deserve Kindness, Be Fluid – How to Go with Your Own Flow, How to Use Your Intuition With Confidence in Business and in Life, Choose Kindness, Forget the Shoulds of Life and Focus on What Inspires Instead, Let Us Hear Your Unique Perspective – But Be Kind and Be Wise and How Would It Feel to Have More Ease, Joy and Flow in Your Life? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I was doing a short workshop on self leadership this week that provided a couple of ah-ha moments.  This was about how I approach my life and lead myself, which is also usually an indicator of how we lead all other aspects of our life (including our families, or teams of people).

Facilitated by Yvette Rose, the workshop posed some interesting questions that I thought it worth sharing:

“Who was the leader in your house? (meaning who set the rules/tone)

In my case it was my mum. Yvette talked about her dad’s “it’s my way of the highway” attitude that I resonated with and think many people recognise.

How did you respond to that?

I responded by trying my best to be as good as possible to avoid any wrath or punishment.

How did you experience your ability to step into leadership as a child?

I would often fear having my desires belittled or attacked and, instead, I started to feel more responsible for how my parents felt instead of how I felt. As an adolescent I took on more leadership roles through my swimming and school activities, looking back I had an over-developed sense of responsibility.

In relationship to that response you had as a child towards the leadership in the home, how did that influence your ability to lead later in life?

I got burnt out, trying to please others too much. I didn’t really know myself, nor have any boundaries as I didn’t know what my wants, needs and desires truly were. I always wanted to get ahead of any criticism and hated feedback, trying to micromanage the feelings of everyone around me.

What does being a good leader mean to you?

It means setting a good example, having good boundaries, being respectful, being kind, letting others take responsibility for themselves, communicating clearly and authentically.

What leadership qualities do you possess?

I have great vision, a strategic mindset, I’m a team player and I follow through on my word. I have been busy learning about developing healthy boundaries and how to communicate with emotional intelligence.

What are you good at in your life?

My organisational skills, ability to see under the surface, see patterns, analyse and empathise with what is going on for people on a psychological and emotional level; and I understand how developmental trauma impacts people’s psyche and behaviours. I have good business acumen and try to show up as the best version of me possible in all my relationships, particularly as a parent.

Where in your life would you like to be a better leader?

I’d like to be more mindful of only giving advice when it’s asked for. And perhaps on a personal level in self leading as I transition into a new phase of my career. I’m journeying towards aligning my inner and outer worlds in every area of my life.

How have you failed to achieve this?

I’ve been distracted and on a road to recovery from some pretty toxic patterns in my life.

What step can you take today to correct this?

I think it’s a case of continually reminding myself of the positives, the life lessons, and consciously applying all I’ve learned about my how to bring more of myself into the world while honouring others and where they are at.

An article by Briana MacWilliams also caught my eye this week. She was talking about breaking free of toxic relationship patterns, and recommends that we strengthen our connections with loving supporters, and commit to connecting back in with ourselves, before we try to break free. Otherwise, she says “you will feel physical withdrawal and go running back to repeat the cycle”.

It was an interesting piece describing the role of naturally occurring dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin and adrenaline in our bodies (and how they interact when simultaneously attracted to and threatened by someone), saying the addiction can be every bit as intense as, for example, a cocaine addiction.

It was a good reminder that recovery and discovery time is actually important in order to strengthen the relationship between me and me. 

Where in your life do you feel you have a fear of leading?

Yvette’s answer here was about bringing out more of herself in social situations as, once people discover what she does for a living, socialising can often turn into work. For me, I can see this could become a similar challenge and I’m mindful of incorporating more fun and adventure into my life as I also lean forwards into the next phase of my career.

What would happen if you fully stepped into leadership?

There is possibly also a lingering fear of getting too wrapped up in whatever I’m doing and losing myself again. And there is another part of me that draws a blank at this question, as if I’m in freeze mode.

Is that how you felt in childhood in response to your individuality?

Yes. I suspect as a child a degree of my sovereign self went into a kind of stasis , so when I try to imagine “me” with a fully integrated inner and outer world I still draw a bit of a blank.

What do you need to embrace in life to be a better leader?

Continuing to embrace the path of thawing out and integrating my inner and outer worlds, along with developing the skills to do that.

Who or what can you not control in your life?

What other people think, do or feel. Also situations and circumstances around me are often outside my control. Many of these things I can influence, but the only thing I can control is my reactions to people and circumstances.

What are you willing to commit to today in order to make what you want as a leader a reality?

I commit to investigating and working through the stasis/freeze/thaw and allowing the fullest expression of myself to engage with the world in a meaningful way. I also commit to only giving advice when it is asked for, and even then in the context of my own experience.

Yvette then had me acknowledge the difference between leading and feeling too much responsibility, the difference between leading and feeling attacked and the difference between leading and being in a freeze state. It was interesting to bring those into my awareness.

She also talked about how, as we look around at the moment, it can feel like a “shit show” playing out on the world stage. Her solution for that would be to have each leader get a psychologist or a life coach so they could stop taking out their “mum and dad stuff” on the rest of the world. While that would be amazing, she also recognised the only thing we can control is ourselves.

Can you see the opportunity in answering the questions posed in relation to yourself? Make a start today to become the unwavering and genuine leader of your own life.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy In What Unseen Ways Are You Abandoning Your Own Free Will?, Be the Change You Want to See, Have the Courage to Follow Your Heart (and Let Your Kids Do the Same) and Do You Always Express Your True Feelings?To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

This week the theme seems to have been “you can’t please everyone”, which is pretty apt for someone like me who has been learning about and practicing more healthy boundaries and communication in recent years.

It is school summer holidays here and, for the first time in a few years, we have overseas visitors back again in New Zealand. For my children and I, that heralds the start of long anticipated catch ups with loved ones.

My kids have grown a lot since we last had anyone here for an extended period but, as they have gotten older, it hasn’t really gotten any easier to figure out what to do with our days.

Each child is as different from the other as they are from me, and - add other loved ones into that equation - it feels like I’m sitting a practical exam after completing a people pleasers anonymous course.

Both my kids are highly sensitive as well as strong willed but in entirely different ways. So one gets highly anxious in crowded indoor spaces like climbing centres, bowling, shopping malls and so forth, whereas the other has those things as top activities on their list. The other gets thrown into a tailspin around loud or startling noises, so the movie theatre is a no-go which – predictably – is the other’s
preferred indoor activity.

Outdoors seems like an alien planet to them most of the time. I love the beach, my kids prefer trees, but even those are of little interest these days. When they were small kids we could be lost for hours in the woodland while they created fantastical worlds seen only in the imagination. Near any body of water they’d inevitably end up in it and needing the change of clothes always kept in the car for that reason.

These days it seems that the only things of interest are screen time and friends. Going for a walk is like suggesting an hour of torture. What New Zealand has to offer is the great outdoors. Lacking the thousands of years of human history of the UK where I grew up, there are not swathes of places of interest like grand houses, castles, museums and theme parks to tempt.

Yet, with visitors who have come to spend quality time with us and enjoy our summer, it’s hardly an attractive proposition to sit in the house while the children are zoned out doing their own thing.

Now do not take this as me saying that the kids get to dictate what we all do, that is not the case but it is a factor. The reactions to doing things other than their default are as varied as everything else, one gets quiet and withdrawn, the others gets loud, vocal and sometimes downright rude.

I’ve noticed adults aren’t much better and, in many cases, just expect the children to do whatever they are told. This isn’t how I have brought up my children. I want them to know and be who they are, to know their own needs, wants and desires, yet also to have some respect and consideration for the same in others.

A friend of mine said they can envisage my kids at age 25 all wild and free, but in a deeply understanding “knowing themselves and what lights them up” way, and reckons what I’m doing in the meantime is trying to give them a safe space in which to grow into that. It is certainly the aim, but that requires continually shifting strong but negotiable boundaries as their development occurs.

As I try to navigate this, and the interaction and reactions from others whose needs, wants and desires are often entirely different again, the basic question I have to ask myself in all this is “what do I need and want right now?”

It’s in taking care of that I start to break old habits. Making sure that amid the navigation of my children’s needs and that of others, I am taking the time for some basic self care. When I do not have visitors, I meditate daily, read, sometimes take a nap, walk at the beach often, do yoga and swim regularly.

Now I may not be able to achieve all of that while I have visitors, but I have to retain some of it in order to strike a balance. First recharge me, and then I have the resources for others.

The best way I have found of making nice memories with such a diverse and often conflicting range of needs and wants is to let each person (including the children) have their own preference in rotation, within reason (clearly an adrenaline sport might not be the best idea for an elderly relative, for example). There are likely many more ways of solving the same problems and I would love to hear what works for you when dealing with conflicting desires among people.

Do you attempt to please everyone and lose yourself? Do you still gravitate towards pleasing certain people in certain situations in order to avoid anxiety, unpleasantness or even conflict? Or have you developed a secure enough sense of who you are and what you need to be able to cater to that as well as holding the needs and desires of others that you care about in high regard?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How to Fulfil Your Long Desired Yearning for Belonging, Start With the Self and the Rest Will Take Care of Its-Self, Embrace Your Sensitivity Rather than Have to Protect Yourself from the World and Great Relationships Happen When You Put You First. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

By relationships here I am talking about all relationships; those I have with my children, clients, romantic relationships, friendships and so forth.

Something I read this last week, that really resonated with me, was talking about how most people treat their passions like side shows in their life and – as a result – do not feel free. It said “Instead of living authentic lives that align with our wants, needs, values and passions, we discipline ourselves instead to do what is uninspiring, irksome, boring or menial in pursuit of some reward or avoidance of some pain”.

The challenge was to write down a list of things I didn’t want to keep doing, situations I don’t want to experience, people I don’t want to see or spend time with, unhealthy foods I’ve been eating and negative thoughts I’ve been telling myself. As I did this, I was also diving deep into a module on relationships in an attachment theory course I’m studying.

I have shed some pretty unhealthy relationships these last couple of years, leaned a lot about my own needs, values, wants, desires, passions, talents, priorities and so forth, and how to have and hold healthy boundaries around these.
However, I am also aware that unhealthy patterns don’t just disappear overnight, I haven’t just instantly leapt from insecure attachment to secure attachment or from hyper attuned to others to a consistently more balanced attunement towards my inner world, it requires an ongoing commitment to keep learning from my circumstances and how I’m navigating life.

So I felt called to look again at my relationships and how things are shaking out as I am applying everything new I’m learning. Because really it’s not just about the people I want to see or spend time with, it’s also about what I want from each of those types of relationships.

With one friend, for example, I realise I’ve been investing too much in the potential of the relationship rather than the reality. In other circumstances this friendship could develop into a romantic partnership, so the boundaries have become a little blurred at times. It’s been time to pull back a little and reassess the place and priority they take in my life.

Talking to another friend of mine who has been navigating a post break up relationship with their ex over the last few years, they were saying that although they had tried to remain friends, the ex – who had since moved on and remarried – was clearly crossing old boundaries and my friend had had enough and felt disrespected.

Terri Cole, author of Boundary Boss, often talks about who we let into our VIP area. I think this is a good distinction to make for relationships that could be (or used to) be close but either current circumstances do not permit it or we don’t want that. Both my friend and I were approaching the same dilemma from different angles, but we both needed to adjust our level of intimacy and boundaries relative to those people.

Talking to another friend this week I was also reflecting on how I’d never really been taught about healthy relationships. In terms of romantic partnerships I was more taught that love was something mysterious and “you’ll just know” when it’s the right person.

But what I’ve come to realise now that I’ve been round the loop a fair few times, is that feeling of “just knowing” is more associated with a strong attraction which can be fuelled by many things from old trauma patterns to physical chemistry and everything in between.

The point that has been driven home to me in recent years is that compatibility is a much better predictor or longevity and healthy relationships. In the coursework I’ve been working through on Briana MacWilliams course, she provides a handy matrix for helping determine different dimensions of compatibility that most people value. I worked through an exercise to rate how much I personally value each of these dimensions, and what my beliefs and fears may be in relation to each one.

We were looking at factors such as:

• Domesticity – how well you both contribute to the day to day routines and necessary functions of the home
• Affection – the importance of physical affection outside of sexual connection
• Generosity – a willingness to be generous towards each other without feeling depleted, taken advantage of or manipulated

And aside of these, things like admiration, sexual chemistry, cultural backgrounds, future goals, intimacy needs, entertainment, intellectualism, humour and spirituality come up commonly. For me I’d add:

• Maturity – awareness of unhelpful behaviour patterns and an ability to work through conflict healthily

I’ve learned that there really are no right or wrong needs, values, priorities and so on, what’s important though is compatibility if I’m looking for health and longevity of a relationship.

And while that is relative to a relationship at the most intimate end of the scale, where an ability to hold each other in equal regard is all important, it also led me to think about my role as a parent in relationship with my children where – certainly the younger and more dependent on me they were – there is less reciprocation.

It was my birthday recently and several people lamented how hard it must be not having my children with me on my birthday (they were having summer holidays with their dad), I have to be honest and say “are you kidding???”

Until last year I was generally wholly responsible for my kids care 24/7, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. There was very little downtime, mainly when they were at school, but the rest of the time my attention was usually focused outwardly on them. I understand there are some people who take to this like a duck to water, but I was exhausted.

After years and years of trying to have children, and four failed pregnancies, the younger years when they were breastfeeding, then mobile, then issues like trying to integrate into kindergarten and schooling, discovering dyslexia and dealing with constant meltdowns, I was doubtless burnt out.

While I’m extremely glad I got to hold and navigate my children through their early childhood, as they enter adolescence it is certainly not without some measure of relief that there is now shared responsibility for their care and I get periods of time where I can focus more inwardly and on progressing my own life.

At the start of adolescence my kids are still wholly dependent on their parents, but as we all navigate the years ahead, adolescence will take them into adulthood where they will becomes wholly responsible for themselves.  My job is therefore to progressively give them more responsibility and help them become ready for that. And part of that is an almost constant redefining of boundaries, my own in regrd to my relationships with them included.

As we step more fully into this new year, where are each of your relationships relative to what you truly want from them? Are there people you no longer want to see or spend time with? And, of those you do, what changes can you make so that your individual needs more closely match with the demands of the relationship? For as my friend and I reminded each other “what we allow is what we will get”.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Learning the Fundamentals of More Healthy and Balanced Relationships, Are You Ready for More Healthy Relationships? Relationships are Just a Series of Moments – True Love Lies Within, How to Attract the Blissful Relationships You Actually Deserve and Great Relationships Happen When You Put You First. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Image by Shazib Nadeem from Pixabay

As I have approached this new year, I’ve received an abundance of guidance around the introspective process of contemplating and stocktaking my life. While I’ve had some deep and insightful conversations with my friends and with myself when meditating and journaling, the most helpful exercise has been in recognising what my true fears are around success.

With those exposed, it is then easier for me to address whatever is holding me back.

I was reminded of this simple concept when reading There Is No Such Thing as a Fear of Success and this straightforward exercise was offered to help uncover the real issues:

“Close your eyes and imagine achieving what you want. Let yourself play it out. See how that achievement changes or doesn’t change each different sector of your life and your relationship with each different person, thing and place in your life. See what your mind tells you is the reality of what will happen as a result of achieving what you want. Then answer the question: If I achieve what I want, what bad thing would it mean or what bad thing would happen?”

I knew straight away that the things I want the most in my career and personal life also bring with them a fear of losing me again.

As a child I felt that my needs, wants and desires were not a priority, there were always others to consider. Most often I was concerned about maintaining peace, and thus was concerned about how others would react to whatever was happening in the environment or what I was doing, I usually tread carefully and tried to manage all of that. When I really wanted something that was not a given, I knew I had to fight hard for it, I also knew I was disturbing that peace.
My nervous system was therefore generally in a chronic state of anxiety and – when I really wanted something – I would go into fight mode to go after it. Day-to-day I’d be acutely aware of and actively managing the emotional environment around me, which was exhausting, and felt the only way to get my needs met was to leverage the inner energy that came with the build up of anger at those needs being ignored most of the time.

This became a way of being in the world as I grew. When I first struck out on my own as an adult, it was to move in with my partner at the time. Inevitably there were compromises and – although the number of people in the household was less – there was now another person and extended family whose needs and expectations formed part of the picture.

No more than in parenthood did my propensity to manage the emotional environment around me become stretched to the limit. I thought I’d have had breaks and respite from parenting, but those only occurred when I was out working in my career. It wasn’t a low responsibility type of deal, quite the opposite. Eventually I became burnt out.

Other than a few periods in my life where I’ve had the opportunity to take a number of months out from the merry go round, I haven’t had my fill of me-time and certainly haven’t had enough of it on a consistent basis. I never mastered the art of having me and having others.

While I have experienced all that taken to extremes in recent years, I also finally recognised the dysfunctional patterning in it all, and started to learn about healthy boundaries, about healthy ways of communicating my needs, wants and desires, and the many and various ways to regulate my nervous system and recognise when anxiety and old wiring are in the driving seat.

I’m free of the obligations that came with a prolonged, unhealthy, (less than) romantic relationship, but I do still have obligations to my children, to making a livelihood and I feel an obligation not to lock myself away from commitment and connection to others. Quite the opposite, I’d like to be a living example to my kids of healthy relationships and commitments in action.

Still. I have no template for having me and having that.

Intellectually I trust that I’ve done the work, I’ve started to reap the benefits in many areas of my life, but I have no template of that trust within my body. The old associations between romantic relationships, career and loss of me time are still hard wired in my nervous system. There’s no way through this other than conscious, active management moment to moment, to create new, healthier, neural pathways over time.

The first step to achieving this is recognising those old associations then, as Teal says in her article, “once you have that answer, the real work is about addressing that fear or that unwanted thing directly because that is the real problem, not the getting of what you do want”.

I’ve started that work more actively now, firstly with this free guided meditation on calming my fears that you can download.

But as you head into this new year, when you consider the deepest yearnings on your wish list, can you start by identifying what is it that is really getting in the way of your achieving those things? Once you have identified the obstacles, then your real work can begin.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Overcome the Greatest Human Fear – Be the True You, How to Fulfil Your Long Desired Yearning for Belonging , There is Nothing to Fear, Base Your Actions on Love Not Fear, Autonomy – Break Free of Money Fears and Be Fearless - Let No One Cast Shadow on Your Light. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.