I was thinking about a website I’d seen that I really liked; it was essentially someone offering coaching. The vibe was great; the whole way the service had been pitched used a very authentic, easy style. My first thought was “I’d like to adopt that vibe when I finally figure out what I have to offer the world.”

When I think back to the times in my life I had to pull together a resume, I had to dig deep. I didn’t recognise my true talents. It took a long time to figure out who I really am, not because that was particularly hard, I just hadn’t been focused on it. I’d been so absorbed in doing my best at everything I had no idea where my natural gifts lay.

It’s been a joy to since explore and uncover who I am, and look at myself in different ways.

So as I contemplated this question about what I have to offer the world, I realised it’s not what we have to offer that is important, it’s what we want to offer that is the question. When I think back to those resumes I’ve written in my life, I remember how tempting it was to include each and every marketable success; yet there were some of those I had no wish to repeat.

Like the time I led a very hands-on project for months, developing a customer response and tracking system, requiring many bespoke technological changes to the off-the-shelf product (which the company then included as new features in their offering to others). While the project was successful, it was grueling, and I had no wish to repeat it.

After so many years of trying to do my best at everything, now I appreciate - while I have some great things to offer - there are also many other things others can do more easily and they enjoy them. Leading a technological project would certainly not feature on my list.

So I then wondered, “What would I like to offer?” I know I feel compelled to help people, I’m drawn to the challenge of finding some words that might inspire someone to move forwards when they are feeling stuck. But what I want to offer in relation to that, changes often; sometimes it’s just sharing my perspective through a conversation or an article, sometimes it’s more involved.

I realised I’m just not ready to land on any answers yet, I don’t want to be pinned down; I’m enjoying exploring, browsing and playing, I want to keep it fluid. And I know that is okay, I’m having fun. I might be ready to land in a day, a month or a year – it might not be for several more years (or ever) – it doesn’t matter.

I used to get frustrated, wondering “where is this all taking me?” In fact, I’d feel that I needed to know exactly where I was going. The big realization about what I would like to offer the world is that I’m genuinely feeling comfortable not knowing right now; the answer can change on a daily basis. In fact, I’d go so far as to say I’m more than just comfortable, I’m actually excited about all future possibilities.

When I was young my gran often used the phrase “what’s for you won’t go by you”, while I always believed that in the big scheme of things this was true, I didn’t trust in it day to day. Finally though I’ve got the message, just go with the flow and enjoy it all.

I know life has this amazing habit of unfolding in ways I just couldn’t have planned or even imagined. When I look back at the times in my life where I’ve felt stuck: in relationships, jobs, places, or situations; it all seems like such a short ride in hindsight.

Instead of worrying about where life might lead me, I decided to live life more in the moment. Really, with the summer school holidays there was no choice. I’ve been throwing myself into whatever I am doing and enjoying things. The more I do that, the happier I’ve been and the more I seem inclined to trust things will work out as they always do.

I’m not saying I won’t face challenges, but since those are the very things that have always led me to better places in my life I just need to remember that when they arise, challenges are a gift.

What matters is I’m enjoying the ride and because I know what I enjoy and what I’m good at, and I get to practice it in many different guises as I go. Even if I do land on something in particular I want to offer the world, it will no doubt evolve again in search of more personal growth, and that will be okay too.

Life feels permanent but it’s an illusion. Everything from our relationships and our jobs, to our minds and bodies, it’s all temporary. Life moves on and it takes us with it, giving us opportunities to change, to drown, to thrive, to transition from one to the next. The key is being awake enough to our own life to see the opportunities when they arise.

So forget about what you want to offer the world, just have fun doing whatever you are interested in and enjoy each and every day as it comes.
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If you enjoyed this you might also enjoy Finding Your Purpose – the Magic of Those Who Believe in You. If you feel stuck in the weeds and would like a fresh perspective on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me with an outline of your circumstances or click here for further information, I love to help. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

I walked into a cafe yesterday, taking a break mid way through a long drive. My children and two of their grandparents were with me; we had been away together and the kids had been up late the night before.  The car journey was a little taxing, as you might imagine, and the break was a welcome relief from being cooped up with tired, grumpy kids.

The first thing I saw in the cafe was a sign saying “Whatever is happening right now, be thankful” or something to that effect.

Funnily enough it was a great reminder of what I’d been practicing the whole time we had been away. In another mood, one where my feelings were being dictated by everything I was experiencing, I’d likely have hated that sign and wanted to make a rude gesture; at least in my head.

As it was, I’d been practicing just being in the moment. Not every moment, I’m a long way off that, but a handful of moments throughout the day when I remember to pay attention to the here and now rather than being caught up in my head. It is often said “the days are long but the years are short”. I can vouch for feeling this way any time I am doing something I’m not enjoying, particularly if I let myself get caught up in the kids’ drama.

If, in any single moment, I am contemplating more than that very moment in all its glory, I’m increasing my timeline right there, no wonder it’s said the days are long. Like if the kids are fighting or asking to watch TV, there is always a subtext going on in my head “why can’t they just get along?”, “why did I get involved instead of letting them sort it out?”, “are my kids going to spend their entire summer holidays watching TV?” or even “am I failing my kids?”

That subtext is taking me out of what is actually happening. I take the moment, obscure the moment with my thoughts and then get caught up in my worries, serving no purpose whatsoever except to keep me stuck.

And if I am not focused on whatever is actually happening in the here and now, and looking for the things to be thankful for, it’s no wonder the years are short because there are so few moments of true presence in order to truly appreciate and feel like I’m progressing.

Yet if I can be in the moment, this is when everything is happening. This is when I’m at my most happy, when I feel I am progressing.

Let me give you an example, at one point in the last week we took the kids to the swimming pools. After the palaver of getting everyone up, fed and ready, then getting us there, I was looking forward to my swim. While the kids and their grandparents played in the other pools, I took a lane in the big pool and swam up and down for about twenty minutes.

As often happens when I’m swimming, there are many moments I become aware that I’m thinking about something, usually something that is fruitlessly going around and around in my head. When I become aware I’m doing that, I switch focus to the ripples on the floor of the pool sparkling in the sunshine and that makes me smile.

It makes me smile because – in that moment - I remember how lucky I am.  There I was on holiday with some of my family, my kids were happy and well looked after, and I was looking after my body and enjoying the process of going up and down the pool. Everything was going well.

Just a couple of weeks ago, we were having friends over for a barbecue and – because they were running late - I decided to put something in the car ahead of a journey I was making the next day. It was because of that I discovered the battery in my car was completely flat; an inside light had been left on.

Sure, it was a little hectic for a while with our friends’ late arrival coinciding with the arrival of the guy from the AA, but it was a whole lot better than what could have happened. The next day I was due to pick up my dad from the airport, a few hours’ drive away, had I of woken up to discover a dead battery as I was in a rush to leave the next morning it would have been pretty stressful.

So as my friend was profusely apologizing for their rather late arrival, I was just as profusely thankful that they had been late, it had saved me a whole lot of anxiety. Coming into the moment, I was really grateful for the way things had worked out.

The same when I stopped at that cafe. Although the atmosphere in the car had been a little tense, we’d had a great time on the holiday. The weather had been great, there was plenty to do and see, the place was lovely, everyone had gotten along well and the weather was now overcast for heading home, perfect for driving.

To top it off, the cafe was clean and bustling, the service and food were great and there was a kid’s play park right outside. Without getting caught up in the kids’ temporary drama, I was indeed thankful my life is pretty great.

That is just the thing, each time I pay attention to whatever is happening in the moment, life is not only better than the obscure version of whatever issues I had started to play in my mind, there is always a lot to be thankful for.

What do you have to be thankful for right now?
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If you feel stuck in the weeds and would like a fresh perspective on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me with an outline of your circumstances or click here for further information, I love to help. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Many years ago now I heard someone recount words of Mother Teresa’s that really stuck with me “I was once asked why I don’t participate in anti-war demonstrations, I said that I will never do that. But as soon as you have a pro-peace rally I’ll be there.”

I was reminded of this as I was reading something similar to my kids this week. They are learning that it is much more powerful to talk about what they do want rather than what they don’t want, yet it is much more common for people to generally focus on the latter.

For example, when we were having people over at New Year’s, I talked to the kids beforehand about a few ground rules as we were expecting to have nine excited children in the house as well as all their parents. My eldest daughter wanted to write the rules down so we could read them to everyone, and the first draft was a no list.

• No playing in the bedrooms
• No leaving the property/garden
• No more than a two or three kids on the trampoline or in the pool at a time

That didn’t sound like much fun to me, so I asked her how we could write a more positive list. We took each one in turn and ended up with:

• Everyone is welcome to play in the lounge and garden areas
• Let’s stay within the property so we know where everyone is
• Let’s take turns to play on the tramp or in the pool with just a few people at a time so everyone can enjoy themselves

I don’t think we came up with the best alternatives possible, but we did manage to turn the action verbs around to create more positive mental pictures of what we did want rather than what we did not want.

That is, of course, the crux of the issue. Words create images in our mind; we can’t help but visualize a green elephant when we read or hear the words “green elephant”.  If I talk about not leaving the property, I can immediately see myself walking away from it.

This imagery makes it harder for us to do the right thing. Our body becomes geared for the action we have created a mental image of, so then we have to work harder to actually do the right things.

It is an eye opening exercise to simply start to noticing this phenomenon in society, it’s pervasive. Becoming aware of my own language is also an interesting experience.

I first really tried to focus on this when the kids just started becoming mobile, so you would think I’d be pretty adept at it now. Yet just this morning when my daughter woke up early I told her “do not get out of bed again please”, instead of just saying “stay in bed please.”

The other aspect of this is – in saying things from a negative standpoint – the receivers constantly feel their sense of freedom being eroded and become more resistant. Whereas when we focus on the more positive language, this is less of an issue.

Like any habit though, awareness is key. I catch myself doing it more and make a conscious effort to change it; especially since I know positive language is far more effective and keeps things flowing.

But it’s not just about positive and negative language in terms of things we should or should not do. My partner is a shocker when it comes to choosing his words. If taken on face value, he is the kind of guy you might peg as chauvinistic, and perhaps a bigot. Yet much of what he says comes more from a compulsion to push people’s buttons.

That said, while he may never have initially had any reason for his prejudices, over the years those words have found their evidence as all words do. If, for example, I think dogs are dirty animals, I will notice those examples around me that support this which is how we develop beliefs. Most of us never stop to question the initial premise as we are often unaware of where it comes from.

As with all of our thinking, it begins in our early childhood. And without any conscious intervention it continues on throughout our life gathering more and more evidence to support it. In my partner’s case I don’t have to look far to see where he inherited his enjoyment of winding people up and his prejudices.

Thankfully though my partner is consciously aware of his prejudices and, on the rare occasions he entertains a more serious conversation on the topic, he displays much more objectivity than his annoying wind-up statements would lead anyone to believe.   

This compulsion to wind people up arose from a frustration in expressing himself, which in recent years was diagnosed as ADHD and possible dyslexia. Often feeling invisible in a social setting because of this struggle to express himself verbally, he took the route of wind up merchant instead.

That said, even though his motivation is to provoke and push people’s buttons, just as in the examples I gave about our New Year’s get together, the words create imagery that is then hard for his brain to get past. So it is really only when the line of thinking is challenged in a non-confrontational way that his thinking opens up.

It is something that is becoming increasing important to him having brought two daughters into the world. He doesn’t want his deliberately provoking and inflammatory comments about females to become their reality.

The kids’ rhyme that says “sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me” does not ring true for me. Words can and do have great power. It’s better to offer a gift with kind words than a criticism. Another great quote of Mother Teresa’s is “Kind words can be short and easy to speak but their echoes are truly endless.” The opposite is also true.

So let’s choose our words wisely and have them work for us, rather than against us, supporting us in our best lives.

​With thanks to my partner for letting me share some of his story to help others. If you feel stuck in the weeds and would like a fresh perspective on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me with an outline of your circumstances or click here for further information, I love to help. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

In the latter part of the year the theme that kept coming through for me was about relaxing more, getting into a place where I could be open to the serendipities. I wasn’t sure I could even remember how to be like that anymore with two young kids to care for.

But with the pressure of the school day out of the equation for six weeks, life is much more fluid. I’m finding moments where I’m grinning to myself because I’m, well, happy.

The other morning my kids were deeply involved in putting together the new Lego sets their grandad had given them, and I was busy trying to catch up on some work around the house at the same time as responding to all their questions and demands.

I had intended to go for a swim at the local pool to get my body moving and clear my head because I’d spent six hours driving the car the day before. But before I knew it, several hours had gone by. With my dad visiting I was mindful of getting us all out the house at some point to enjoy some of the New Zealand summer.

So I had a decision to make: should I postpone the swim in a bid to get out everyone out the house, or should I postpone getting everyone out of the house to have a swim? With the pool closing early that day, I decided to opt for the latter and put my own needs first.

As it transpired I was back within the hour and the kids and their grandad were still engrossed in Lego; although they had also prepared a picnic in my absence. Meanwhile I had happily swam up and down the pool watching the dappled sunlight reflected on the bottom, grinning to myself as I took each breath; it felt great to take care of my own needs.

I also thought of the many times in the past where I put others’ needs before my own. The many lunchtimes I could have put to personal use at work instead of eating on the go and working through. The numbers of times I have visited people, or had them staying at my house, and not taken the time to even just stretch out my muscles or have a quiet moment to meditate or read a book.

Having kids took taking care of others’ needs to a whole new level. So I grinned to myself again on that day I took a swim as I walked along the beach in the afternoon while the kids made sandcastles with their grandad. These moments have given me the chance to reflect on the wonderful time we are having.

I am enjoying the fluidity and have wondered how much of that I can retain once school goes back. Over the last few years I have had to dial back on a tremendous amount of activity in order to help both my kids’ wellbeing and my own sanity.

School generally takes the kids to the outer edges of their capacity to interact with the world. One child withdraws within, eventually bursting with the force of a volcano, and the other explodes into tirades at the drop of a hat. Both need lots of downtime, so any laissez faire attitude I had about social activity when they initially started school quickly got reigned in.

It also means quite regimented bedtimes in order to arrive at school before the bell rings in the mornings; their natural inclination would be to go to bed later and get up later.  This means we are always pushing against our natural rhythm and desire for more social activity in order to just attend school.

However, as they are getting older I can see their stamina developing and know we will be able to get more fluid over time. I am mindful of allowing their strength and stamina to increase naturally in the way a young shoot does as it grows, I don’t want them to become hardened on the outside at the cost of obscuring what’s on the inside.

By the same token, I don’t want to be so rigid about protecting their space that I’m limiting their growth. Neither do I want to feel like I’m making a sacrifice and becoming a martyr, which is where I have felt myself drawn on many an occasion; all because I’ve previously opted to put others needs before mine too many times.

But this summer I’ve taken the brakes off and let the days unfold as they want to, and it is giving me a good sense of where the kids are up to and a glimpse of the possibilities ahead. That in itself makes me smile, we are slowly edging our way towards more flow.

In the meantime, I am stepping out on the right foot in 2019 and making it a priority to put my own needs first more of the time. What about you? As 2019 gets underway, will you prioritise your wellbeing so you too can be more relaxed and be open to the serendipities that lead to your best life?

​If you feel stuck in the weeds and would like a fresh perspective on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me with an outline of your circumstances or click here for further information, I love to help. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog