When confronted with death, it always brings life into sharper focus I find. This time of year for me is traditionally one where memories of life and death meet together in great contrast. It’s the time when both my children were born, and the memories and circumstances of their births are always recalled in detail. But it’s also the time when my mum was in the final weeks of her life and the reliving of that time coexists alongside the happier memories.

I was listening to a podcast with one of the most celebrated and influential spoken word poets of our time, Andrea Gibson, on facing mortality. When Andrea was diagnosed with an aggressive form of ovarian cancer, all that was truly important in their life became all that was important, they stopped dwelling on the ifs, buts and maybes.

Their journey has been profound and transformative. Facing a fierce cancer diagnosis (that they had lived in fear of all their life due to family history), they describe a radical shift in perspective post investigative surgery. Andrea had spent her life in fear of dying and it has taken staring death in the face to really live.

Their worst fear had become real but, instead of fear, they felt a sudden acceptance and peace. The experience altered their perception of life and relationships, and fostered a deep appreciation and love for those around them. This newfound outlook led them to believe that every life event, even cancer or death, was part of their spiritual evolution. They found peace in surrendering to life's challenges, discovering that saying "yes" to difficulty could open doors to immense joy.

They learned to relax, give, focus on the present, and approach relationships with a sense of mystery, allowing the people closest to them to show up anew without past expectations. Additionally, they embraced things that had previously terrified them as a way to confront and overcome fear. Despite the possibility of imminent death, they express profound peace, happiness, clarity, and gratitude for life itself.

I also appreciated her saying “Sometimes people can navigate an illness like this with a lot of rage, for example. I don’t think that my way is necessarily better than that, because I’ve had plenty of rage in my life. Maybe that other person didn’t ever express anger or feel rage, and that could be the waking up for another individual.”

A good friend of mine also lost a close friend this week, it was (in some ways) beautiful to bear witness to as my friend described standing by her friend’s bedside to say their final goodbyes. There was a knowing that their friend’s consciousness was no longer fully inhabiting their body, and that there was a peaceful unfolding into the love beyond.

Grief, though, isn’t always about people dying, this time of year is also the wind down of the calendar year, and my solar year, it’s a season in which I traditionally find myself reflecting on whatever aspects of life are playing out within that and the things that have changed or need to change.

There is a lot that has altered, and more is upon me, with life circumstances changing as my kids grow and we move to a new part of town. But there’s also the inner journey and the unhealthy patterns that emerge under duress, the ongoing learning and growth that occurs as part of life’s opportunities to grow more into my potential.

Among all of that grief is a natural part of the cycle of change. I read a quote by Jamie Anderson the other day:

“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give but cannot. All that unspent love gathered up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.”

When I read this I was not sure I wholly agreed with that sentiment. Although part of me agreed it’s true at least some of the time, I think another part of grief is the regrets that are expressed. That said, regrets are about not loving ourselves or others in ways we could have and, since we can’t change the past, perhaps that too could be seen as love with no place to go.

And as I type, my grand-aunt’s family has gathered around her but she is not yet in a state of surrender. I certainly have regrets about not having made it over to Canada for a visit before this moment. When my grand-aunt and her family emigrated by ship back in the 1960s, there was no thought of regular visits. But thankfully airplanes made a relationship possible that I would never otherwise have known.

It always seemed very exciting to me when our Canadian relatives visited, I remember my grand-uncle’s baseball caps as a thing that represented a whole different world as no one in Scotland wore them back then. As I later emigrated to a different part of the world, I think it was in part inspired by those earlier relatives who had made new lives abroad.

But I would have loved to visit. My grandparents took a trip over there many decades ago before they died, and my parents followed suit some years later. Despite the distance, made smaller by today’s technology, our family’s ties and relationship has deepened – and that is in no small part due to the lady I like to think of as a strong matriarch. Energetically there is a part of me now with my grand-aunt by her bedside, and another part in the subliminal space in-between where I envisage her sitting atop a meadow looking over a lake contemplating her life.

There is wealth of mixed feelings inside me right now, sitting alongside grief and what feels like an almost perpetual state of tiredness, stress and overwhelm. While I’m disappointed and embarrassed in not having made it over there all these years, I’m also in awe of the fortitude and generosity my grand-aunt demonstrated both because of and in spite of her own childhood hardships, the journey they made to start a new life, and the connection she maintained with and through the family despite the distance.

I will also feel relief for her when that final surrender comes, and I feel richer for the knowledge and love she imparted over the years. Having lost my own grandparents nearly forty years ago, her stories have helped me understand them and myself more, and I have also developed relationships within her family too that add another level of love and belonging to my life.

What I notice is that no feeling is an island, and grief is a good example of that. Whether it’s bad news or regrets of my own, or someone close to me passing, it’s always a mixture of blessings, some feel good and some feel bad. The point is to feel them all, I think, and to learn from what we can - for that is how we best honour ourselves, the things and the people we grieve.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Reconnect With Loved Ones to Gain Some Perspective on Life, Even in Grief There Are lessons to Be Learned, Celebrate Often the Ways in Which You Are More Than Good Enough, Pain as a Powerful Catalyst for Self Awareness and Growth and Sit With Your Sorrow, Wait as It Reveals the Lessons It Offers. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Sometimes there is just no getting around it, one task at a time, one way or another, I just have to roll up my sleeves and get stuck in.

And if I have to knuckle down to some tasks or work I’d rather not be doing, then the messages that have really been reinforced to me this week are:

• Sense check the work is aligned with my goals or aspirations. Does it reflect who I am now and who I want to become?
• Take the time to consider the choices I have first. Is this a task that actually needs to happen? By when? By who?
• If I am doing something for someone else on a regular basis that they are perfectly capable of doing themselves, then stop, it is keeping us both small
• Work on things I’m most passionate about as we tend to excel most when the hard work is meaningful and enjoyable to us
• If I must do things I don’t enjoy, try and learn something from them so I can grow
• When I have choices, do something that excites me, something I would do even if it doesn’t pay money
• Look before I leap, take a breath before taking action, do work in the quantum field of my imagination, visualizing what I want as an end result before wading in

The last time I had to enter the rental market was in 2006 when I arrived here in my new country. Back then I could just walk into a rental agency, the agent showed me four or five properties that met my criteria, and I chose the one that I loved.

The one I chose represented so many aspects of the benefits of moving here at that time, larger homes and gardens were standard back then, compared to the high density housing of the UK. So, while it wasn’t lavish, I relished having a home with the kind of space I could only have dreamed of living in before I emigrated.

These days everything is online and every advert says “do not text or call”. There is a link to press if you’d like to view a property, another if you’d like to put an application in. Neither of these appears to gain instant traction, so a steep learning curve has ensued.

Although I rent my current property, I just sort of fell into it through a friend. While I am grateful for that, it ticked all our boxes at the time - it was a safe and tidy place to live without having to wade through the arduous and competitive processes of the market itself – it doesn’t really reflect who we are now.

As I thought back to my experiences of 2006, I reflected on the rental I took then and realised I have the same opportunity now to be discerning and look for a place that represents the “us” that we are growing into. Despite the competition, I’ve realised that – while the market is moving quickly and properties are getting snapped up - there are also fresh properties coming online every week.

A lot of my personal growth journey has been about looking before I leap, taking a breath before taking action, doing work in the quantum field of my mind, visualizing what I want as an end result before wading in, but there comes a time when the work has to be done.

I don’t need to jump at just anywhere this red hot second though, there are more properties becoming available each week in the area I want to move to, and I have a great rental and credit record, no pets, so I should be a solid candidate for the places I apply to.

Therefore, with my gran’s words “what’s for you won’t go by you” in my mind, there’s probably a few weeks to sift through various options. There’s a real chance to get into the kind of place I really feel at home in, somewhere that not only feels safe and comfortable, but that I love, and provides the space to grow into the next stage of our journey.

I have had to do a quick study of the market, learn the art of renting afresh and I have to make full applications for places just in order to get a viewing. In itself, that hasn’t been fun. But, as I learned from Annette Noontil years ago, if you must do things you don’t enjoy, try and learn something from them so you can grow.

This is what I also taught my kids a few years ago about overwhelming tasks, like emptying the dishwasher when they are tired, just start somewhere and keep doing one thing at a time, they soon learned the art of stacking and unloading to best effect.

And the other thing Annette taught me was that if I’m doing something for someone else on a regular basis that they are perfectly capable of doing themselves, kids included, then stop. Doing other people’s responsibilities isn’t doing them a favour, it is stifling them and prohibiting their growth.

But in this case, finding a home is my responsibility and it is as overwhelming as it is meaningful, so this last week has been about just jumping in and starting somewhere, and I’ve learned a lot.

Coincidently, despite seventeen years having passed, and me moving a three-hour drive from where I originally located in 2006, much to my surprise I came across that very same agent here renting properties. I took this as a good omen.

So not only have a knuckled down to a task I dreaded, I’m actually now quite excited about the possibilities it affords.

I also read a reminder this week encouraging me to work on things I’m most passionate about as we tend to excel most when the hard work is meaningful and enjoyable to us. Where we live is most definitely meaningful to us and, I was also thinking about a young family member of mine struggling with subjects they’ve chosen at school, to which this equally applies.

I think about the choices my own kids will make in the coming years and I say “Find something that excites you, something you would do even if it doesn’t pay money. This is the way you become the best at what you do, then people can’t help but pay you for your work.”

Sure, sometimes there are tasks we just have to knuckle down to because of the outcomes we want, but taking the time to consider the choices we have first is critical to our future happiness.

What tasks are you doing – or about to do – that you might not enjoy? Check if they align with your goals, assess their necessity and priority, delegate when possible, learn from disliked tasks, prioritize passions, choose excitement over monetary gain, and visualize outcomes before acting.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Give Yourself Permission to Live Life in Alignment With Your True Nature, You Know What’s Best for You, So Stop Giving Your Power Away, Live ‘what is’ – Choose This Moment, An Open Letter to an Old Friend and Switch Focus to Get Unstuck. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

This is one of those life lessons I never enjoy, but I know from repeated experiences now that the feeling in my solar plexus of immediate retraction and tension – like a kick in the guts – is one that is going to be transformative in one way or another.

This week my landlord gave me notice they're moving in, as they have sold their main home, and I only have two months to find somewhere else and move. With the holiday season fast approaching, and receiving the email out of the blue, my nervous system went into fight or flight mode instantly.

To the outside world I had retreated, I shared the news with my close friends and then became very quiet for some hours as I absorbed the blow and began to process it. My mind was a blank, as my prefrontal cortex had shut down, which is generally what happens when we get a shock. 

In classic terms, the body senses danger – as if a tiger is about to strike – and gets our limbs ready to take action. The desire to take action was definitely there, overwhelming I observed, but there was no physical action to be taken so my mind seemed to swim around in useless circles.

And yet, somewhere within, there was a voice saying “It’s okay, you’ve dealt with this before, you know things are always working out even when you can’t see it yet, trust it will be okay”. This is the voice of experience.

Over the years there have been many kick in the gut moments that have forever changed the course of my life. When job restructures have happened and redundancies arisen, relationships have ended, people have abused their position and privilege, or people close to me have been diagnosed terminally ill or died. All of it comes as a shock, and yet here I am, I have survived it all and am somehow more as a result.

Serendipitously I had read a reminder just the day before I got the news that - like any upheaval or abrupt change - there is a sudden and jarring shift brought on by unpleasant and unexpected life events. But what I’ve learned is that I don't need to be scared, change is good. I was reminded that its abrupt aspect makes it something that is usually seen as negative but change often happens unexpectedly.

I was able to see the smaller, immediate blessings of the timing of the news. I’d just been for a walk on the beach, having spent the day catching up on some things that I’d been waiting to press forwards on. If I’d have received the news the day before, when life was in a more frazzled mode, it would have been tougher to receive.

There was no doubt that a part of me was definitely freaking out, especially with the responsibility for my dependant kids, but I have a deep knowing that all things work out. I thought about the absolute worst case scenario – putting things in storage and living in temporary accommodation for a while – which isn’t desirable by a long way, but it beats living in a car or the streets.

The key, I knew, is in how I responded. Chaotic or unpredictable energy flows in and out of all our lives, but I’ve learned it’s important to try to let events unfold naturally. And, most importantly, this type of energy can actually be connected with the idea that with unpredictability comes exciting, unforeseen possibilities.

The only immediate action I took was to inquire about the availability of movers at that tricky time of year, because the only certain thing is that we need to get our things out of the house and clean it by the date we have been given. 

The housing market here is like many other places around the world with interest rates going up and making home loan repayments unaffordable to many people. As a consequence, the cost of renting is going up too.

With interest rates on home loans going up, conversely there are less people willing to buy and house prices are becoming more within reach than they have in the last few years. So there may be an opportunity to get back in on the market.

My mind then wandered over the next couple of days and I began to get clearer thoughts. Of course I’ve had a look at what properties there are for rent and for sale, but the words of author and seasoned business leader Ken Blanchard rang in my ears. When asked how he starts each day he responded “with quiet time”.

Over the years, as I have learned to regularly practice meditation and observe the thoughts in my mind, I too have began to place an extremely high value on the premise of “doing nothing” first. I guess that is where old adages like “look before you leap” and “measure twice, cut once” come from.

Of course, there is the flip side where I could procrastinate and do nothing for too long, but that is unlikely; it’s not in my wiring. What I am pointing to is about taking a breath, letting my body come out of fight and flight, and weighing up my options. Regardless of where and how I move, there are pros and cons. The fact is I have to move, that I'm not in control of, but everything else I am.

I can’t bring this particular story to a conclusion on exactly why it’s the best thing that could have happened, but I know that whether it’s because it leads to my kids being closer to school, or getting back on the housing ladder, or me springboarding my business or all of those things and/or something else entirely, it will lead to something better.

Why? Because that has been the pattern my whole life. Like a game of snakes and ladders, sometimes change leads to leaps forward, sometimes life takes a temporary slide backwards, but always through changes I’ve grown, and – ultimately – I’m happier and more confident today than at any other time in my life. And that, I believe, is how it should be; always changing, always growing.

What about you? Can you think back to the times in your own life where you’ve received some news that has felt like a kick in the guts? In what ways has it pushed you towards your potential? As chaotic or unpredictable energy flows in and out of all our lives, let’s consciously connect it with the idea that with unpredictability comes exciting, unforeseen possibilities that turn out to be the best thing that could have happened.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy How to Take Control of Those Curve Balls, How to Stop Yourself Getting Sucked Into Negative Experiences, Reclaim the Sweet Spot of Being in Your Element and Life – Will You Take the Easy Way or the Hard Way?. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

A friend of mine recently set an intention to take exquisite care of herself, and that word exquisite really grabbed my attention: its meaning pertains to something extremely beautiful and intensely felt. I love it because it sets the bar far higher than a general statement about taking care of oneself.

Since it was mentioned last week I’ve been sitting with the idea, and yesterday I got a true taste of what it really means for me. In short, the more I take care of myself on all levels, the more grateful I feel, and then I feel lighter, happier and am more focused and productive with less effort.

For the first time in a long while I had a massage booked in and, as I was driving to my appointment, I began to appreciate just what a beautiful day it was. The sun was out and the sky was cobalt blue, an aberration in the midst of an otherwise rainy week.

Driving along I noticed how green the hills around me looked and I started to talk to my body (in my head) as if it were another person. I expect a lot of my body and so I was thanking it for all that it holds for me and apologizing I hadn’t been for a massage in some time. As I lay on the massage table, I tuned into my body and the hour that followed was most definitely a practice in appreciation for the very apparent strain and tension that I had put upon my body and was now being unwound.

I know that a lot of that strain and tension doesn’t just come from the physical expectations I put on myself, but also the mental and emotional pressures that accumulate in various places throughout my body. As such, I try to be mindful of the foods I’m eating, the environments I put myself in and the thoughts and feelings I entertain.

My friend was asking me about how to stop the constant churning and spiraling of thoughts that go through our heads at busy or stressful times. I’m most definitely not immune to those, but find it has really helped me to be able to disassociate myself from those thoughts and become a curious observer of them.

This is a skill definitely made easier having practiced meditation regularly for a number of years, but starting with journaling is also a good tool, or anything out in nature where I can connect with Earth’s natural rhythms. All of that helps me become conscious of my thoughts and more curious about them. I’ve got enough experience to know that my thoughts and, therefore, feelings, directly correlate to which part of me is currently in the driving seat, and I have enough wisdom to know I can switch drivers.

Over the weekend I had gotten into a bit of a spiral with my favourite person to hang out with being temporarily in another continent and time zone. I knew it wouldn’t serve me to stay in a funk about it, and in many ways I was relishing some focused me-time. I took a moment to notice the gap I was feeling, I talked about it briefly with some friends, wrote about it in my journal, and really felt into and explored what was going on for me.

In my inner work over the years I’ve dealt with abandonment trauma and how it has showed up in my life in various ways, and spent the time needed in integrating those experiences within my psyche so these situations don’t continue to throw me for a loop. While this was a much healthier situation, there were definitely shades of those old feelings rising up, so I took the time to acknowledge them and get myself into a better space.

However, after my massage, I was far from unhelpful thoughts spiraling, quite the opposite. I was basking in appreciation of such an exquisite massage and thought I’d take advantage of that momentum and headed to the beach for a walk.

Because I was in such a good place mentally, emotionally and physically, I was able to really take in and appreciate the beauty of my surroundings and all the people, birds and dogs that were also sharing that space. While my walks on the beach are also a regular practice in appreciation for me, there are times when my energy isn’t quite so open and expansive; I’m sometimes there simply in need of a big breath of fresh air.

However, yesterday’s walk was exquisite. I was warm, protected against any sun damage, and able to walk freely alongside the ocean and appreciate the sparkling sunlight dancing on the waves, and the sea as it rushed in over my feet a number of times. As I looked out to the horizon I saw the island one of my children’s classes will soon be camping on, and imagined how lovely it will be in such glorious weather.

I left a voice drop for my favourite person telling them what I appreciate about having them in my life, and how much I’m looking forward to reconnecting when they return. But I also appreciate how much life has given each of us in the time apart; it truly has been a blessing in many ways.

Things had aligned yesterday to such an extent that I even had time for swim at my local outdoor pool later on with my friend. It really was a beautiful day that filled me up in so many ways. When I sat down to do some creative, yet technical, work I’d been putting off for a long time, it flowed with more clarity and ease than I could have hoped for.
When I awoke this morning, a daily calendar reminder flashed up to jog my memory to take a moment to tune into what receiving feels like, and to appreciate the decisions I’ve made that support my wellbeing. Immediately yesterday’s experiences came to mind (and were felt in my body)  and with ease I added so many more things to my list.

As I reflect, I can see that there are times I am simply in rescue mode. I take my beach walks or go for a swim because it’s all I can do in that moment to simply show up. What I get out of these things is often a much needed out-breath, but the more present I can be to the practice of appreciating things like my body, my situation, my people, my surroundings and my own wellbeing, the more exquisite care I can take of me and them.

What about you, what do you do to take care of yourself and is it exquisite? How can you adopt an extremely beautiful and intensely felt approach to self care in your life so that you feel lighter, happier, more open yet more focused and productive with less effort?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Self Care – When You Should Put Your Needs First, Start With the Self and the Rest Will Take Care of Its-Self, Why Do Some People Seem so Self Absorbed and Not Care About Others?, Make Choices That Will Have the Most Positive Impact in Your Life and Meditation – the Cornerstone to Your Success. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.