​The Art of Learning to Have and Hold Boundaries Healthily When Healing From Trauma Responses

Image by Val_Smir from Pixabay

Emerging from years of work to change old patterns is a fascinating and often frustrating journey. These patterns, which once served a rational purpose, can become maladaptive as life evolves. For years, my wiring often led me to initially take a passive approach, expressing my feelings only when reaching a tipping point.

Anger fueled my confidence in speaking up, as did a sense of injustice or speaking on behalf of others. In nervous system terms, this is known as the fawning and then fighting responses. While I have been working on speaking up earlier and expressing boundaries more clearly and calmly, the “how” often catches me out; anger and injustice are hard habits to kick.

Several insights resonated with me this week:

• “Some people have lived their whole lives on watch, waiting for the next crisis to strike. These assaults often come from people we love the most - harsh judgments, limiting expectations, and limited views have all been heaped onto us. You've been fighting off these assaults for long enough.” I recognized this years ago, but it took many more years of attracting the same to finally set boundaries and learn how to hold them.
• “If your first response to a personal attack is to push back, you should switch to a disengagement strategy. Sometimes standing up for yourself means standing down.” While this resonates with my experience of reaching a tipping point, the words “standing down” resonated in terms of calming my nervous system. But I certainly don’t want to revert to my old pattern of keeping quiet just to maintain peace.
• “It's difficult to go out and accomplish something productive if you're always fending off impending attacks.” Yes! And not just productivity, it makes it extremely difficult for any kind of creativity to flow or to listen to our intuition.

Seeing boundary-setting as an act of nurturing my own well-being and the health of my relationships has certainly been pivotal. It has involved healing a lot of old trauma, which has led to many changes in the landscape of my life—in terms of who is in it, where and how I live, and many other factors. But I wondered, “How does standing down marry up with asserting boundaries?” Over time, I’ve learned a few key strategies:

1. Step Back and Assess: Instead of immediately reacting to perceived threats or attacks, I now choose to step back and assess the situation calmly. When I feel triggered, I take a moment to pause and breathe. I ask myself if the situation truly warrants my internal reaction. If not, I know it’s an old wound that needs tending to. Then I consider whether my present situation requires a response and, if so, what kind of response is appropriate. This happened just this week when there was a miscommunication over a meeting time. As I was sitting, waiting for the person to arrive, feelings of “they don’t care” and abandonment set in. It was immediately obvious to me that this was an overreaction and that I had an old wound to attend to. Tending old wounds is key to recovering from old patterns. It's too much to capture here, but I’ll list some other articles at the end that go into it more.
2. Choose Battles Wisely: I know standing down doesn't mean ignoring my boundaries but, instead, choosing not to engage in every battle. Setting my boundaries with kindness and understanding, both towards myself and others, helps diffuse potential conflicts and reduces the emotional toll on me. A good litmus test is to consider whether something I’m being asked to do, or something someone else is doing, is causing pain, resentment, or other discomfort (in this situation today, not because it’s triggering old wounds).
3. Prioritize Energy: I aim to prioritize my energy and focus on issues that truly matter by keeping my long-term well-being and goals in mind. Not every situation requires a response, which is a complete change of behavior for me. Sometimes, letting minor things go can reduce stress and help me maintain a sense of peace (again, using the litmus test of whether this present situation is creating pain, resentment, or other discomfort).
4. Calm the Nervous System: I also work on techniques to calm my nervous system. Practices like deep breathing, mindfulness, tapping, meditation, and grounding exercises help me shift out of fight mode and respond more thoughtfully.

Letting Go of Control and Embracing Softness

Letting go of the need to control every aspect of my environment has been another important lesson for me. I have a tendency to micromanage, which is a trauma response that arose out of a need for control. It was my safety strategy. However, it is also true that my authentic self does not like to be controlled by anyone, and this independence has been integral to my growth, expansion, and success. So, it’s about not throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

Rather, my learning now is about receiving and easing into my softness while also maintaining my independence. My aim is to trust that things can unfold naturally without my constant intervention. I’m learning to be gentle with myself, understanding that shifting from a defensive mode to a more relaxed state is a process, and it’s okay to take it one step at a time. Here are some of the strategies I use:

1. Identify Non-Negotiable Boundaries: As above, I’ve identified which boundaries are non-negotiable and which ones I can be more flexible with. This helps me focus on what really matters without feeling the need to control everything. I practice speaking up about my boundaries early on, but in a calm and measured way. This prevents situations from escalating and helps me maintain my peace.
2. Delegate and Trust: This is a tough one for me! Deciding which areas truly require my attention and control, and which can be delegated or allowed to unfold naturally, is also part of the process. Patience isn’t easily found in a triggered state, but consciously focusing on delegating helps conserve my energy for what matters most. Working on building trust in others' abilities to handle tasks is a work in progress... I start with small tasks and gradually increase as I see positive results. This reduces my need to micromanage.
3. Use Positive Affirmations: I find this a bit cliché, but affirmations to reinforce my goals can be useful, such as: "I am in control of my actions and reactions," "I trust others to handle tasks," and "I am independent and expansive." But to really buy in, I first make a list of examples of things I’ve done (no matter how small) that demonstrate I can do it.
4. Continuous Self-Assessment: Assessing how my approach to boundaries and control actually affects my well-being is a continual process. I try to find the right balance, and to be kind to myself when I feel the urge to control everything. Acknowledging that this is a trauma response and giving myself grace as I work on changing this pattern helps.
5. Writing and Visualizing: Writing down my thoughts and feelings helps me process emotions and gain clarity on my goals and progress. I often use the emotions wheel to name what I’m feeling inside. I also practice visualizing myself as calm, in control, and independent in meditations as a tool to guide my actions.
6. Therapeutic Approaches: I’ve explored many therapeutic approaches, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and somatic experiencing, to work through trauma responses and develop healthier coping mechanisms. Different approaches have helped at different times.
7. Engage in Nurturing Activities: Participating in activities that encourage me to ease into my softness, such as spending time in nature, creative activities, or engaging in nurturing self-care practices, is quite pivotal.
8. Stay Grounded in Core Values: Regularly reminding myself of my core values and what truly makes me feel expansive and independent helps me stay grounded in my authentic self while letting go of the need for excessive control. Talking to my closest friends, my partner, or a therapist about the journey provides support, offers perspective, and helps me stay true to my goals. I have one friend in particular with a phenomenal memory and, when I’ve told her my goals or ah ha moments, she can often pull them out of her memory banks at just the right moment – sometimes years later - to remind me and keep me on track.
9. Celebrate Small Steps: Acknowledging and celebrating the small steps I take towards balancing control and independence, recognizing my progress, and using it as motivation to keep moving forward isn’t something I’m particularly good at, but I know it’s important. Embracing my vulnerabilities and recognizing the strength that comes from being my authentic self has been a powerful part of this journey.

In embracing the art of setting boundaries while healing from trauma responses, and learning to relinquish the need for micromanagement in favor of embracing my softness, it’s a profound journey with lots of ups and downs, self-discovery and healing. It has taught me the importance of assessing situations calmly, choosing my battles wisely, and prioritizing my well-being. Balancing my independence while cultivating trust in others and myself, I continue to evolve and find balance.

As you reflect on your own journey, consider the patterns in your life—how do you approach setting boundaries? Are there areas where you might benefit from letting go of control and embracing a softer approach? Challenge yourself to explore these questions, for within them lies the path to deeper self-awareness and growth.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy You Don’t Need to Be Perfect to Make a Breakthrough, Change Unhealthy Reactions, Parts Work and Its Importance to Your Growth, Heal Your Past Hurts To Help You Fulfill Your Potential, and Who Do You Need to Become in Order to Realise Your Dreams? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.