I have been contemplating a question that someone asked me this week “How can I trust myself enough to put away my doubts and share what I’ve learned?” because I can relate to it deeply. Particularly when she went on to say “I do share, but I hold back. I know things, but don’t want to look like a know it all.”

I have read so many good quotes about using my voice, here is a link to just a few, but I would sum up the overriding message as your voice is important. This rings true. Just listening to the voices in the last year about white privilege, and the swathe of new language that has become more commonplace as a result, talking about acts of micro aggression, subtle acts of exclusion and psychological safety has opened up huge growth potential inside me.

The factor that is of most importance to me when I start thinking about how to share, is that it’s my authentic voice I’m putting out there. And, when I’m listening to someone else, it’s an authentic voice I want to hear. I use the word heart in the title interchangeably with authentic in this case.

About a year ago someone said “you talk too much” and I felt badly wounded, right in my chest, it was heavy, and my throat constricted. Context is everything of course; this was an experienced person trying to mediate a conversation between me and a loved one.

They were right though, I did some introspective, exploratory and healing work around it at the time and when I heard it again a few weeks ago – instead of feeling wounded – it was a reminder “ah, yes, I do talk too much from my head”. It is usually in defense, I need instead to intentionally focus my awareness into my heart space.

For example, last weekend was our kids’ school fair, it was not a comfortable day for me, and I had all sorts of stories in my head about why this was the case.

While how I hear my authentic voice isn’t the focus of this week’s musing, I do cover it in some of the article links I’ve included at the bottom. As Michael Beckwith sums up nicely “Ask the right questions. Instead of What’s wrong and who is to blame? ask What is trying to emerge? What gift is trying to be born in my life?”

When I did some introspective and exploratory enquiry, it took me to a different place entirely than my head’s stories. I went back to some unhelpful thought and behavioural patterns that stemmed from the place in my childhood when a sibling was born and I adopted all sorts of unhelpful beliefs about responsibility and putting the needs of others before my own.

It was a good reminder to me to share from my authentic heart space and not my (usually) defensive head space. This is the first step to overcoming any doubt about what I am sharing.

The next step is whether the person I’m sharing with is actually open to hearing what I have to share. I’ll be honest, as I started to really redefine my own world view, or paradigm about life, the very people I wanted to understand and accept it were the very people who were largely responsible for shaping my behaviours as I grew up.

It’s not that I necessarily wanted them to accept my view as their own (especially since a central theme of my authentic paradigm is that there’s no one truth, we each hold within us our own truth), it was more that I wanted to feel validated in having my own worldview that was different to theirs.

There was some wonderful advice that speaks to this, again given by Michael Beckwith when I was listening to him being interviewed a while back:

“If you have a loved one who is ill and resistant to thoughts you have about their wellbeing, all you can do is love them. Until they ask you a question you’re trespassing on their paradigm.”

While the question obviously related to someone being ill, I felt the answer was very universal. I’ve learned it’s worth asking first whether people are open to hearing my thoughts. And if they are not, and I’m still very attached to them, well that’s an indication that I have something to work on.

A final Michael quote from the same interview, same topic, that I love is “People would rather hear a vision than a rant”. That is good advice that also helps me re-tune from my head to my heart.

I can’t remember where I’ve heard it, and it would be from several sources, but there is also another  great piece of advice about changing the pack I run with if my friends and family chronically frustrate me, or make me sad, or depressed because of our differences in opinion.

As a general statement, most of my family aren’t into diving in the depths like me. I still love them and I haven’t abandoned them – nor will I intentionally abandon myself again. I have a set of friends with whom I can happily explore depths together, which has come about from being brave enough to share with people my authentic ideas and emerging beliefs, like attracts like.

As I publish the lessons I learn on the journey to me, an act of vulnerability in itself, I don’t have any expectations about what happens as a result. I do feel if what I have gone through and have learned from it can help others, I have an obligation to share it, which is where I found the courage to begin. But again, like attracts like, and it’s an indication to me that there are many others in the world who explore the same depths I do.

I love to hear people’s comments and get emails with other’s stories, or asking my opinion, it all adds depth and new dimension to my own journey, as well as a sense of belonging and being seen. All of that gives me more confidence to be me while around family or others that I’m not so attuned with.

After six years of publishing these articles, I’m now realising I’m very comfortable writing and sharing my innermost thoughts and feelings. And it is no surprise that a small challenge arose from the lips of another who questioned how comfortable I felt using my voice.

At first I was thinking “well I publish my innermost thoughts ever week so I think I’m pretty comfortable”, then I let my energy sit and sink to my heart space and I heard another thought “yes, but are you as comfortable with actually speaking in a physical sense?”

That led to two separate pieces of advice that have all serendipitously come about. One was to regularly sing in front of the mirror to have fun and start to feel safe using my voice. The other was a variation on the theme, stretching the comfort zone somewhat, and to start a podcast.

While I haven’t decided where I am going in that sense, something a good friend of mine said a while back has stuck “I wish other people could hear you speak. When I read your articles I can hear your voice, I know your self depreciating humour, and wonder if others might read the articles as more serious in tone.”

At this stage, it’s all sitting there as a seed of an idea, but the point is that there are many ways to share. I listened to a podcast this week with LaRayla Gaston talking about the ways in which she shares the lessons life had taught her, which is through showing love in action – buying homeless people a coffee or a meal.

LaRayla did not have an easy upbringing, but her grandmother lavished so much love and kindness on her, she wanted to share that, because that is what had sustained her heart. When her grandmother died it was a catalyst to share her legacy.

And, as with the earlier discussion about sharing my opinions with others, LaRayla’s advice was not to be attached to the outcome. She offers things to people, they don’t always accept, and she accepts that with grace, or in her uniquely LaRayla style says “I’ll catch you next time Boo”.

When I contemplate the ways in which the heart’s voice can be shared, though words and actions, it’s really obvious to me that there is not just something for everyone but something I can learn from everyone, in many wonderful ways.

For those who have felt at times invisible, or powerless, or not enough, or too much, or unworthy, or not wanted, or not important, or different, or inferior, or wrong, or alone, or bad, or deprived, or worthless, or a failure, or a burden, or crazy, or that you don’t belong, or you’re not important, or you don’t matter, or you’re not safe – we need to hear your heart’s voice so that we can all heal and grow together.
 
If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Kneel at the Doorway of Your Heart to Usher the Dawn of a New Era, You See What Happens When You Learn to Speak Your Truth, Let Us Hear Your Unique Perspective – But Be Kind and Be Wise, How to Stand in Your Truth and Be Heard Without a Fight and Be an Evolutionary (Rather Than a Revolutionary). To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

When the kids and I first met the character Reyna Avila Ramirez Arellano in Rick Riordan’s Heroes of Olympus series, it was the observation of her by another character that really struck me, because it could have been someone describing me for most of my life:

“Annabeth recognised something else in her face too – in the hard set of her mouth and the deliberate way she raised her chin like she was ready to accept any challenge. Reyna was forcing a look of courage while holding back a mixture of hopefulness and worry and fear that she couldn’t show in public.”

Later, in the Trials of Apollo series, she reflects, as I have reflected in recent years:

“My whole life I’ve been living with other people’s expectations of who and what I‘m supposed to be...But you showed me how ridiculous the whole situation was. That’s what healed my heart, being able to laugh at myself again, at my stupid ideas about destiny and fate...That allowed me to break free. I don’t need to wear anybody else’s label. I need time to just be me, to find out who I am.”

As I have been on this journey to me, I have uncovered quite a few self destructive beliefs that have been lurking in the shadows of my mind, driving my thoughts and actions like a hidden force,

When I get triggered about something in my life, I take this as a signal to explore those hidden beliefs and bring them into the light of day for a good shake down.

This week I retuned to do some work using Brandon’s Bays Emotional Journey process when I could feel myself getting irritated by a sense of giving too much to others.

What I discovered in the process is that giving too much stems, for me, from this subconscious idea I’m not enough. My true state is actually receptivity, openness and warmth and the guidance (that came from a deeper part of myself) was to remember I am not the personality or the experiences, but the benefactor of the growth that arises out of those.

In fact, the wisest part of me said “You are love itself and there’s always enough love, in fact that’s all there is.”

Another aspect of my hidden belief structure that I had been experiencing lately was a sense of feeling under-valued, unseen and under-used in my gifts and capacities. What I uncovered in the process is my true nature, which is radiance, standing in my own power. I can choose to combat and play small, or compassion to play big; to see others as comrades not combatants.

In this scenario the wisest part of me said “Be expansive. There are many things that you know you know, live those.” I understood that I must have compassion for myself and others to grow beyond this unhelpful belief pattern.

I have also been reading another beautiful (fictional) book by Anthony Doerr called All the Light We Cannot See that weaves together the backdrop of the lives of a young orphaned German boy who was eventually drafted into the Hitler Youth at the age of twelve or thirteen, and a young blind girl who lives in France with her widowed father.

The story slowly wraps its way towards a point in which they briefly meet in occupied France just before liberation. It then continues to unfold into the years following the war into the present day, demonstrating how those events became so interwoven into the lives of the sister of the German soldier (who did not survive) and the French girl (who lived to a ripe old age) and her family.

It was nothing sort of tragic, as I am sure it must truly be for anyone directly touched by the ravages of war, regardless of side there appears to emerge only tortured souls. In this I felt the utmost compassion and the sense that these two enemies were kindred spirits who had found themselves wrapped up in circumstances beyond their control.

While I’m not wading in that extreme of life, I certainly find myself unconsciously creating us and them scenarios, both in my personal life and as I look out into the world.

For a completely different kind of example, I’ll use the recent Harry and Meghan interview with Oprah. This sort of hyped razzmatazz is not my usual fodder, I don’t tend to actively follow any kind of current affairs or news, but I'm like a little meerkat who pops my head above ground every now and then to get a gauge on what's going on out in the magical mist called the media.

Growing up in the UK in the 1970’s and 1980’s, Charles and Diana's wedding, the births of their sons and Diana's death, were all moments I remember well because of the vast media storm that accompanied them. Not least I recall the haunted faces of the two young boys made to walk behind their mother’s casket in the funeral procession.

All I know of Harry and Meghan is what the media lines have fed us for last few years, which my dad aptly summed up after he exclaimed “You watched the interview!” by words like self serving, egotistical and manipulative.

That's exactly why I listened to it, I like to hear and see people speak directly because it gives me a much better gauge on what is going on than a third party account.

I had also read a book by one of my favourite fictional authors, Lucinda Riley, a year or so ago that was based around the British royal family and a huge cover up that stemmed back decades to the early part of the twentieth century. It was all about the 'old firm' and the security services that surround the family.

While it was a captivating story, the most interesting aspect lay not in the fiction but the facts around the book finally reaching print.  

As a young author she had much interest in the book when it was first written. It even had a publishing deal but the deal got withdrawn and all doors were closed. It is only several decades later and after the successful publication of later books, it finally reached print.  I'm guessing the fiction was too close to the truth.

This idea of the velvet curtain has always intrigued me. So I found Harry in particular interesting in the interview, although Meghan I think was better able to explain how it works.

It gave me pause as I thought about what it must be like to be born into that machine, to not know a world any different.

Now what is their agenda? Well that's an all-sided question. Certainly I start with the media who have had some very strong opinions on Ms Markle. I don't know her from Adam, and she could be a sociopathic narcissist for all I know, but I wanted to hear her voice. And she made some very interesting points.

As for Oprah, I like her. Does she have her own agenda? Sure. Don't we all? The only thing I felt about Oprah's interviewing was that it missed something quite key. While she fully explored the racist component about why little Archie wouldn't become a Prince, it missed completely exploring the idea that it could be because she was a divorcee, something that has caused so many issues within the royals.

That said, does it serve the needs of our society to dismantle white supremacy and white privilege, absolutely.

While talking about it with family and friends afterwards reminded me of the kind of polarisation I looked at in The Internal Shift You Need to Help Solve the Social Dilemma, it was, I felt, probably one of the most true-to-life looks behind the velvet curtain that I've ever had, even if (like everything in life) it was serving multiple agendas. I understand my call to watch it was an extra layer of my learning around compassion at the moment.

In every crevice I am finding compassion; from the echoes of the ravages of war, through to something as distant to me as the media swirl surrounding royals, and as personal as those deep shadows etched on my own soul. The message is clear, embrace compassion over combat and step into your true power.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Be Compassionate and Curious to Live Your Best Life, What Do You Want The Prevailing Global Culture to Look Like?, How You Are Complicit in the Oppression of Others, Let Us Hear Your Unique Perspective – But Be Kind and Be Wise and Be an Evolutionary (Rather Than a Revolutionary). To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

Heck no!

I remember being struck by a conversation I had with one of my nieces a couple of years ago when we were talking about what she saw herself doing with her life. She wasn’t particularly inspired by the lives of adults in our society, whom she viewed as quite stressed and harried most of the time.

It was a fair point, one that gave me pause. It reminded me of a little plaque I bought years ago when visiting the California Redwoods, it says “We don’t inherit the earth from our ancestors, we borrow it from our children.” While that is an obvious reference to our ecosystem, as a mother it also makes sense to me in the context of our emotional ecosystem.

I decided I am going to be an example either way, good or bad; I can either be an example to aspire to, or one to run from.

This came up again when I asked another of my beautiful nieces what she would give if she could gift one thing to every person in the world. Happiness was her answer. I then started to think about what happiness is.

What immediately came to my mind were the things that keep me from feeling happy - the stories in my head, the meaning I assign to everything that happens in my life.

What I did inherit from my ancestors are a lot of those stories, and they are not stories I necessarily want to gift my children.

I saw an advert yesterday for a course that was about helping kids and teenagers look at their inner critic. One of the exercises involves filling in the thought bubbles above a monster’s head about all the things I think I’m no good at. Where do those voices come from?

Mostly those voices in my head are ones both deliberately and inadvertently planted there by my parents and other influential adults as I grew up, no doubt echoing the voices of their parents and so on. There were certainly things they wanted to teach me about life, what they deemed good values and behaviours, but what I actually took to heart about those might not be the same as the intention behind them.

To give an obvious example, a friend of mine recalled an incident this week that happened when she was a little girl, when she (and a little boy she was playing with) were being naturally curious about body parts. Her grandmother’s reaction created shame by the bucketful and she was reflecting on the magnitude of how that had contributed to how she felt about herself.

I also recall my mum sharing with me (many times) the story of overhearing her older brother’s friends talking about girls in a derogatory way. The key messages I took out of that story were multilayered, from the obvious intent “do not open yourself to be the topic of that kind of conversation” to the many others about having sex out of wedlock, and the general disgust towards the male sexual psyche.

But aside of these examples that shape body image and attitudes towards sex, there are many more examples of the ways in which my attitudes towards myself and other people have been shaped. In every minute of every day there are thoughts running through my head that have probably coursed through the minds of my ancestors for generations.

What I have found though is that the feelings I have about those thoughts, when I bring them into conscious awareness, are usually a good litmus test as to whether they represent my truth, are these thoughts a fit for my authentic self? Do these thoughts make me happy?

To stick with the example I gave about beliefs around sexual relationships, and then put that with my own life experiences of going on to have multiple failed relationships, marriages and pregnancies. I can see just how much the swathe of inherited beliefs about myself and the world actually played into those so called failures.

What is more true to say is that each led me towards more authenticity, and when my inner world is not at odds with itself, the chance for happiness is so much greater.

When I asked my niece how the gift of happiness could be achieved she talked about looking beyond ourselves and others, and being kind to ourselves. Beyond those stories, that’s the work right there, the goal to pursue to attain the (not so) impossible dream.

Of course it’s not as simple as just deciding not to buy into those stories. I can’t just tell myself I don’t believe the story in my mind because it has a lot of supporting evidence accumulated over a number of years.  But if it’s a story that is making me miserable in some way, it’s an indication that my mind and heart are not in alignment.

Recently I was asking my homeopath whether there was a remedy concoction she could recommend for headaches. She made the point there is no one cure-all as headaches carry a message, and the remedy would depend on the cause. But once I pause to listen to the message that in itself will usually sort out the headache.

She did go on to say that there is nothing I need to do/sort out, just come into my heart space. It is no coincidence my chiropractor also recommended coming into my heart space to feel the love within myself rather than pinging all over the place intellectually seeking solutions to satisfy my inner critic.
I’m often in my head. To set my mind at ease and tune into my heart’s voice, this is a practice that can be achieved in many ways, but it is a practice, it requires – well – practice.

One of the best ways I find to tune into my heart space is getting out in nature; I particularly like walking along the ocean shore, whereas my partner is more a fan of the forest. Just sitting listening to the chirruping cicadas and birds in our garden can be enough to bring me into the present moment, or even just looking around the room I’m in through fresh eyes.

Certainly I would be far less present if I also hadn’t learned to practise daily meditation. Presence is the core point of Eckhart Tolle’s teachings, some of my favourite quotes of his are:

• “People don’t realise that now is all there ever is. There is no past or future except as memory or anticipation in your mind.”
• “Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment.”
• “The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it.”
• “Anything you resent and react to strongly in another is also in you.”

I’ve come to recognise that when the same themes emerge in my negative stories about life and people, these are old patterns there that are no longer serving me and need to be brought into the light of more conscious awareness and deactivated. Some of my favourite techniques for that deep work are Brandon Bay’s Journey Work and Teal Swan’s Completion Process and Part’s Work, among others.

But there are also many more moments when it’s less about doing anything and just being in appreciation, learning to tune into my heart and the love that dwells within me for me, my life and all life in general. A quick fix is often the soothing tones of a Sarah Blondin meditation, Loving and Listening to Yourself is a great one.

So coming back to this idea of happiness as an impossible dream, no, I know happiness is always there beyond the “triggered and distracted” pattern of life. In the quiet of a moment when I allow myself to be still and be present and open my heart to all that is good in my world, and even to love those things that don’t always feel so good, they are all pointing the way, that is where happiness lies.

​If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Are You Getting Distracted From Who You Came to Be This Life?, What to Do if You Feel Trapped By Your Circumstances, How to Break Free of Addictive Relationship Patterns and You Don’t Need to Be Perfect to Make a Breakthrough. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.

A few times in the last week I’ve been triggered by communications I’ve received and my mind has gone into overdrive compiling responses.

I know enough now, and generally have enough restraint, not to react when I’m triggered. This is eloquently summed up by Teal Swan in her article on criticism when she says “Be aware that the reactivity that spirals us into criticism is always a by-product of trauma we have suffered. It is indicative of the ways that we have been hurt. If we tend to that hurt, we will be less reactive and become less critical. Our opinions will then be wanted and received well by others.”

Tending to that hurt is the bigger part, as I talked through in How to Stand in Your Truth and Be Heard Without a Fight. I think of it like doing the groundwork before a new construction project can take place.

By the same token, I want to express my perspective and to hear that of others. As Teal says “We need feedback, our growth and awareness depends on it…

But feedback falls into two distinct camps:

• Criticism
• Your individual and honest perspective or experience

Criticism is often done in a state of reactivity when we are in a state of defense, it has no regard for whether the person on the other end is receptive”.

She makes the point that there is really no such thing as constructive criticism “The more the person you are criticizing feels compelled to defend their value, the less capable they are of absorbing what they are hearing.”

Then she goes on to say “We have to be aware of why we feel the need to share our opinion. And even if we have good intentions, we must still ask ourselves if - despite the good intentions- we are harming the other person with our critique.”

I thought these were really good questions as I worked my way through the fire consuming me, not wishing to leave my relationships in the burnt ashes of my reactions.

Relationships are important to me, but I also often have a tendency to put other people’s needs before my own, and to rush in quickly to prove my worth, which I covered in How to Break Free of Addictive Relationship Patterns. So I have to look with real curiosity at what’s actually going on in each situation.

What was triggering me this time were some communications from the kids’ school that opened up an old wound. A wise person once gave me an analogy of putting our hurts into the manure pile versus the freezer, the manure pile being preferable as it fades to nothing over time. But this wound had obviously been bunged in the freezer, unattended, since it stung just as sharply as if it were fresh.

Anything that requires or encourages extracurricular activity throws me into a spin, since my kids have well and truly had enough in the process of just attending school each day. By the same token, I’m a person who attended school without any real issues while also managing a few extracurricular things and, later, an all-encompassing training program as a competitive swimmer.

I prided myself on my resilience and strength (part of perfectionist tendencies designed to prove my self worth and avoid the harsh criticism and punishment), and still laugh/cry at the memory of me pulling my daughter’s dummy out of my bra in the middle of a corporate meeting, wondering what it was that kept itching my skin.

So when receiving various communications this week contradicting the school’s own philosophies (zealously encouraging our kids into extracurricular sports activities and daily violin practice), on top of extensive requests for my personal participation in fundraising activities, meanwhile hearing a comment made to the whole parent group that was clearly criticising my individual decision on pursue external remedial support for my kids to help them work with their brain instead of against it, triggered me in gasket-blowing ways.

It created a surge of feelings comprising being overwhelmed by contradictions, criticised, disregarded and undermined. The little girl inside me whose thoughts and feelings were unimportant to the adults making decisions, who had to strategise to canvass and rationalise my opinions, and get my needs and desires met, swung into full counter attack and defense mode.

I observed all this. I struggled between the part of me that that wanted to lash out at those whose words poked at all my old wounds, and the part of me that wanted those people to simply understand the unintentional ways in which their words have landed.

I want people to understand what it feels like when your kids have different wiring, unseen and yet overwhelming. I especially want those who are charged with the care of my children during their time at school to know this. If I go further with this, what I deeply desire is an educational approach that caters to the neurodiversity and differing talents of all children.

But I also know that, while those who educate my children during school hours care about them, there are another twenty five or more other unique kids in the class to cater to – quite aside of the teachers they report to, the school board, the Education department and the many other stakeholders involved. I know that those who educate my kids also have their own rich perspectives, and most likely their own wounds. I know that in order to be truly heard, I will have to be kind, to tread softly.

I recognise people don’t make me feel a certain way, I simply feel what I feel in reaction to what they are saying because of my own unique circumstances, experiences and disposition.

So, while tending to that wounded part of me - the groundwork that has to happen before I share anything - I have asked myself many times:

• Why do I want to share my perspective?
• How can I share it in a way that is not going to harm? In a way that is not likely to invoke a defense response?

I have reworked my response many times in my head; continually refocusing within myself to hand the talking stick to my heart; the warrior self versus the infinite self. Early in the week, in a more peaceful moment, my inner voice spoke its truth plainly. It took another few days to get my mind aligned in order to proceed without the criticisms that wanted to work their way in there.

All along the way I kept asking myself whether any response was required at all.

In the end, I did send one because – as I’ve said - I deeply desire an educational approach that caters to the neurodiversity and differing talents of all children. So I believe it is important to voice our perspective in the current environment to create the seeds of awareness that may one day spout into positive changes.

I received a response thanking me for my insights and also for seeing what the teachers are contending with, and with – I felt – a genuinely hopeful interest in seeing where the approach I’m taking with my kids leads.

I have a perspective that is different and valuable and so do you. But be kind to yourself and to others, and be wise in your ways of sharing. Tell us your story in a way we can hear it, so it can benefit the growth of the whole.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Change Unhealthy Reactions, How to Stop Being Triggered by What Other People Think and Honour Your Story but Free Yourself of Its Shackles. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.